HD: 3 Jade segments

[King Cucaracha 0]

It's a good job we've got so many cameras in so many locker rooms and it can't be constituted as spying in any way. Because now we're required in the locker room of Krista Isadora Duncan and assorted family. Alix isn't really family, but as good as and she's there to greet an actual member of family, Jade Rodez-Duncan, as she arrives with her bags fashionably late.

ALIX
Eeek! There's my little Champion!

Alix runs up and gives Jade a big and above all unexpected hug, squeezing the life out of the poor girl to the point that she almost drops the bag she's carrying. By the time Alix has prised herself off of Jade she's left with aching ribs and a cough, which she tries to hide out of courtesy. She sets her bag down, before glancing over at Krista, who sits on the luxurious brown leather couch only her dressing room could command, busy reading over a glossy celebrity magazine which we cannot name due to advertising laws!

JADE
Hi Mom.

KRISTA
(barely listening)
Oh, hey Stephen. How's the radio show going?

ALIX
She can't hear you sweetie. She's lost in goss'. It's great! I've already bagged a new widescreen TV and tickets to a West End show this weekend! Boy, is she gonna be pissed when she realises I'm not really Marilyn Monroe come back to life and just wanting to be loved by her, just her! Worth it. So worth it. Anysnickles, how are you feeling? Are you okay? Is everything good? Doin' okay? Everything kosher? Feelin' fine?

JADE
I'm a li...

ALIX
Just chill? Good in the hood? Killer awesome? Do go on.

JADE
...I'm a little sore, few bumps and bruises. Nothing too major,

ALIX
But you're still the champeen, ain'tcha! All those people who said you couldn't beat Malaysia, they were all wrong. Malaysia, Mr. Dick, Terry Taylor, Coach, Alix Maria Spezia, Las Vegas oddsmakers who were strangely unco-operative on the idea of betting on pro-wrestling, they were ALL wrong! All those people who said you didn't stand a chance against that kinky sex machine and that you'd get whipped so bad people'd be like "damn, when'd they bring back slavery but spare the blacks and round up all the cute blonde cheerleaders this time, does this mean all my favourite porn sites are gonna be gone or just be more extreme now", all those people were dead wrong! All those people who called you an epic failure who was bringing down the Duncan dynasty one embarrassing, poorly choreograped public appearance at a time, stinki...

JADE
Yeah, yeah, I get it.

ALIX
Forget dose fools, Jade! Forget dose fools so hard because they were wrong and you were right all along! You're awesome now! You're so awesome, even your uncle wins titles now, that's how awesome you are! You're so awesome, you can do anything! Why, I bet you could even get Bohemoth to date you now. Or, you could become, like, a world famous race jockey and win the big Derby! We could plan it together, Jade. We could plan it together and they'd never find the money.

JADE
I don't know about that.

ALIX
Trust me I got it all figured out, I've already found a horse so we just gotta get you some horse lessons...

JADE
No, I mean about Bohemoth.

ALIX
What!? Are you crazy? He's gotta be hot to trot for you now, you're a famous race jockey! I mean a Women's Champion! You beat Malaysia in a Street Fight, didn't ya hear? Also, also! You're the fourth most searched for celebrity on AskJeeves ever since I put out that rumour about the naked photos. Right? Remember? 'Heart' the internet. Those morons'll believe anything if it involves nudity or conspiracy theories. Also, didn't ya hear me earlier when I said I bet you could do anything now? Cause you could. You just gotta be super confident and super quick before your luck runs out and you're not awesome anymore.

JADE
What's that suppos...

ALIX
NO TIME TO TALK! TIME TO ACT! You gotta march right over there and get with that Big Bo thang! Seduce him while you're seductable! GO NOW! AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL HE'S LET YOU TOUCH HIS MUSCLES!!

Much to Jade's continuing confusion and shock, which to be fair she's learnt how to deal with by now without too much fuss, she finds herself being shoved out the door by Alix and having it slammed behind her. A couple of seconds pass, before Alix suddenly routes through Jade's bag, grabbing her Women's Title belt. Luckily Jade is still in shock and stood behind the door as Alix passes it to her.

JADE
Wait! What am I supposed to say?

ALIX
Improvise. And don't forget, you're awesome!

*SLAM!*

KRISTA
What was that?

ALIX
Nothing, nothing. Now, let's talk about that motor scooter for my underpriviledged students again, Miss Duncan. They'd like it to be pink...

Krista nods her head without listening, causing Alix to bounce up and down and clap her hands together like a playful child.

[King Cucaracha 0]

Have you ever noticed how everyone has their own dressing room? Have you ever noticed how many dressing rooms that makes? Have you ever noticed how we always end up in at least three of these dressing rooms per show, even if the people inside those locker rooms have no match and therefore don't need a locker room? Well, now we're outside the In Crowd's locker room. *shrugs* I dunno what to tell ya. Except of course that Jade Rodez-Duncan, the OAOAST Women's Champion, is stood outside it with her title belt in hand. Jade seems to have been standing by the door for a little while now and is busy trying to psyche herself up, unduly worried about how her clothes are fitting and what expression should be on her face when the door opens. If only she could summon up the courage to knock on the door.

JADE
Okay, you can do this. You're awesome. You're awesome.

Jade's fist hovers in front of the door... and drops sadly.

JADE
Who am I kidding?

Just as Jade's about to skulk off though, she jumps at the sight of TONY TOURETTES appearing next to him.

*KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK*

TONY
OPEN UP YA COCK SUCKING STAIN LICKER!!

Tony turns and gives Jade a genuinely warm smile, further throwing her off, before shuffling off down the hallway. Before Jade knows what's happening, she then finds herself face to face with BOHEMOTH, who has opened the door wondering what's going on.

JADE
OH! Oh... uhm, hey, uh... listen, that wasn't me, I...

BOHEMOTH
Deep breath. What did you want?

Jade takes that deep breath...

TONY
(off in the distance, having knocked another door)
...lemme in you faggot whore or I'll stick my cock in your nose an...

...and Jade, as instructed earlier, improvises.

JADE
My Mom and Alix are fighting... yeah... and, I just had to get out of there. So I was wondering... if maybe I could come in... and watch the show?

BOHEMOTH
I don't see why not. Go right in.

For a moment Jade is frozen to the spot, before she finally enters the locker room, hands by her side as if afraid to even touch anything. Bohemoth meanwhile calls over a passing by backstage hand.

BOHEMOTH
Any chance you can grab us some food? Thanks.

The worker hurries off busily, while Bo turns back inside to find Jade very carefully sitting down.

BOHEMOTH
So what's the fight about?

JADE
Oh, uh... horses.

BOHEMOTH
Right.

Bohemoth sits himself down and puts on the TV, with Jade still looking shocked to have gotten this far.

[King Cucaracha 0]

What's going on in the In Crowd locker room, I hear you cry!

No?

Well I'm gonna tell you anyway. Inside we find Jade Rodez-Duncan and Bohemoth, as we did earlier. The difference now, besides the big tray of fruit and vegetables (you don't become the Meterosexual Monster eating junk food after all) laid out on the table in front of them, is that Jade looks to have relaxed a little in the course of watching the show. The two even seem to be talking like old friends, which of course they are. As Bo loads up with some more healthy food, Jade affords herself a second to be shocked at how well things are going before smiling normally as she's spotted.

BOHEMOTH
So are you nervous?

JADE
Uhm... well, no, I mean I thought it might be a little awkward at first but I'm fine now thank you.

BOHEMOTH
I meant about the New Year's show.

JADE
:mellow:
Oh! Oh, of course!

Bohemoth can't help but chuckle under his breath, which even manages to put Jade at ease after her misunderstanding.

BOHEMOTH
Listen, honestly, I wouldn't worry about this Gauntlet Match if I were you. Let's face it, you've dealt with worse against Malaysia in a Street Fight and came out the other end. If you can beat her, I'm sure you can win this.

JADE
Well, thanks.

BOHEMOTH
I mean it. You've come a long way since you started out and you just don't know it. Plus, you're on a hot streak after Sunday. You shouldn't be worried by anything right now, everything's going your way.

JADE
Yeah. Yeah, it is!

Suddenly, a sense of confidence seems to come about from Jade. She even manages a smile as she reaches out and grabs a strawberry off the fruit plate. Bohemoth starts to watch the TV monitor again as she looks at the strawberry and takes a deep breath... before VERY slowly sliding it into her mouth. Unfortunately, her poor attempts at seduction go unnoticed as Bo stares ahead at the TV screen. Jade tries to be a little less subtle, but it still doesn't work. So she tries to get Bo's attention by clearing her throat...



...or, trying to.

BOHEMOTH
Steady on those.

Sage words of advice, but too late as Jade starts CHOKING! At first Bo is still oblivious, but as Jade's wheezing and coughing continues and she stands up, he finally wakes up.

BOHEMOTH
Jade, are you okay?

JADE
...
(points to throat)

BOHEMOTH
Okay, calm down, calm down.

Bohemoth springs into action and grabs a hold of Jade to give her the heimlich maneuver. Now, if you're thinking 'uh-oh, somebody's bound to walk in now', you'd be right, as sure enough the locker room door opens with impecable timing. And lo and behold, it's LEON RODEZ who walks in! The World Champion looks understandably surprised and stops in his tracks, just as Bo finally manages to dislodge the trapped strawberry from Jade's throat. After her initial relief, Jade looks up and sees her uncle and turns from bright blue to bright red.

LEON
Am I interrupting something?

Grabbing her title belt, Jade rushes out of the locker room in embarrassment, right past Leon.

BOHEMOTH
It's not what you think, she started choki...

LEON
:D

Bo stops in mid-apology and puts his hands on his hips, as the World Champion sees the funny side of the situation.

LEON
Oh man, THAT is going in the Christmas newsletter!