King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted January 17, 2009 COLE But we kick things off with the new number one contender in action! I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls! When I come crashing down and its throbbing deep inside I’ll leave you wetter than a flood tide I gotta bend you over that’s how I like to ride! I date a girl who whips my hide And my 12 inches is my greatest pride I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls! "Womanizer" pumps through the arena as Mister Dick pumps through the entrance with a big grin on his face. The newly named number one contender stands beneath a golden shower of pyro, seemingly in awe of his own genital proportions as he looks down. Not quite so impressed are the crowd, getting on Mr. Dick's case as he swaggers confidently down the aisle, stopping only to offer himself to a female fan in the aisleway. Which her other half doesn't take too kindly to of course. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, this is your opening contest of OAOAST HeldDOWN and is set for one fall! Introducing first, from San Antonio, Texas and weighing two hundred, thirty eight pounds... he represents The Deadly Alliance and is the Number One Contender to the World Heavyweight Championship... "THE HUMAN HARD ON"... MMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSTTEEEEEERRRRRRR... DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Sliding into the ring, Mr. Dick pounds the canvas with his eyes sinisterly fixed on the crowd. COLE And with Anglepalooza just nine days away, the title credentials of this man are going to be tested to their fullest by his former tag team partner. COACH Test nothing. This is just a warm-up. COLE Warm-up!? I tell you what, Baron Windels is one hell of a 'warm-up' in that case. He's beaten Mr. Dick before and he could certainly do it again. Mr. Dick confidently struts around the ring like the cock of the walk before a "PENCIL DICK" chant starts up and gets him all riled up. Just as riling are the cheers when "Thriller" by Fallout Boy hits. BUFFER And his opponent hails from San Antonio, Texas. He weighs two hundred and sixty five pounds and is "THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER"... BBAAAAAAARRRRRROOOOOOOOOONN... WWWWIIIIIIIIIIINNDDEEEEEELLLLLSSSSS!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Following the orange pyro rocket's descent into the stage, Baron Windels makes his way out. Infact the usually cheery Baron almost stalks through the entrance way with a scowl etched on his face as he stares at his former partner who's chewing absent mindedly on a stick of gum. Baron's walk to the ring and just as slow and determined. COLE No Melody Nerdly at Baron's side, more on that later in this broadcast. As Baron reaches the ringside area he stops and stares at Mr. Dick some more. Mr. Dick leans over the ropes jawing at his former partner, who just glares back before suddenly throwing up the longhorns, or the Nerdly RAWK hand signal if you prefer. COLE Boy, Baron looks focused and Mr. Dick may have bitten off more than he can chew tonight and if you say what you look like you're about to say in response to that you will regret it trust me. COACH No homo. Baron climbs the steps and enters the ring. Off comes the jacket, with the Stewie Griffin t-shirt sadly conspicuous by it's absence with Baron's serious attitude tonight. The Human Hard On looks on from the opposite corner unimpressed. COLE Here we go, the battle of the Gunslingers live on HeldDOWN and we thank you once again for joining us here tonight live on TSM. *DINGDINGDING!* As the bell sounds Mr. Dick suddenly gets a bit more serious, spitting out his gum. Of course he doesn't just spit it anywhere, instead aiming it in the direction of Michael Buffer as he leaves the ring. Referee Mike Chioda signals for them to 'get it on' and the two bulls square up in the middle of the ring in a staredown. COLE Sad to think that this time last year, these two were the Tag Team Champions of the world. COACH A year is a long time in wrestling Cole. The staredown inevitably escalates into words between the two. And words lead to physicality, as Mr. Dick shoves Baron in the chest! Baron wipes a hand across his face before responding by slugging Mr. Dick with a flurry of Texan right hands! The crowd go wild as the hard rights back MD into a corner and Baron doesn't stop there as he continues to swing away, taking out months of frustrations before the referee orders a break and an opening of the hand. Baron gives the clean break and whips Mr. Dick across the ring into the opposite turnbuckles. Hitting hard, Mr. Dick then stumbles out into another right hand and as he hits the deck he rolls on out of the ring waving it off. COLE Don't tell me Mister Dick has had enough already! Baron isn't hanging around to find out, exiting the ring and staying on the attack! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" COLE You can never have enough of a good thing they say and Mr. Dick getting punched in the mouth is definately a good thing! Looking dazed Mr. Dick staggers around ringside trying to get away. Baron catches up to him and whirls him around into a big right hand, then bounces Mr. Dick's face off the ring apron. Another right hand then connects and hard. Mr. Dick takes a spill into the timekeeper's table, improvising by attempting to use Buffer as a human shield as Windels slugs him again. COACH That's a lawsuit. COLE And you just know Buffer's gotta have a good lawyer. Pulling Mr. Dick away from the tables and innocent bystanders Baron throws him back inside where MD tries to call for a truce. Baron swats away the handshake and boots Mr. Dick in the gut, throwing him into the corner. Climbing to the middle rope Baron then raises a fist with a contemptful look on his face... "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" "FOUR!" "FIVE!" "SIX!" "SEVEN!" "EIGHT!" "NINE!" "TEN!" COLE Baron Windels is tanning the hide of his former tag team partner! COACH No he's not, he's punching him in the face with an illegal closed fist! Which is worse! Baron keeps his fist balled up and throws away wrestling conventions as he delivers an eleventh punch. And a twelfth, both measured. However, Mr. Dick suddenly pulls an ace from his sleeve by tipping Baron forwards and causing him to hit his head on the top turnbuckle as he crashes over the top rope and down to the arena floor with a thud!! "OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" The desperation move allows Mr. Dick to try and clear the cobwebs in the ring, while Baron lays in a heap on the floor. COLE Resourceful move from Mr. Dick that may have changed the tide of this match. But I tell you, if he didn't at the start, he sure knows he's in a fight by now. With the crowd's support Baron is able to drag himself up onto the apron slowly but surely. Mr. Dick comes over to meet him, clubbing him over the ropes with a couple of forearms. Chioda backs Mr. Dick off, but The Human Hard On shrugs past him and delivers a hard right hand of his own, dropping Baron back to the floor. COACH Oh, sure, get on Mr. Dick's case for one punch. Nevermind the fifty closed fists Baron's been throwing all match! Baron is pulled onto the apron by Mr. Dick, who brings his former partner in THE HARD WAY~! with a vertical suplex! Cover by MD... 1... 2... No! Starting to pull Baron up, Mr. Dick suddenly has second thoughts, instead mounting Baron and delivering some right hands. Mr. Dick then makes some typically crass gestures over his opponent's face before Baron shoves him off. Both men get to their feet with Baron striking first with some more Texas sized rights, forcing Mr. Dick to go to the eyes to halt the onslaught. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Grabbing Baron by the arm, Mr. Dick sends him off the ropes with an irish whip. Mr. Dick ducks his head for a backdrop which proves a mistake. Putting on the brakes, Baron delivers a forearm to the back, then hooks Mr. Dick up for his own vertical suplex! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" COLE What a momentum killer this could be for Mister Dick! COACH Don't lose faith yet Michael. Mister Dick ALWAYS rises to the occasion! As Mr. Dick stumbles to his feet, he falls into a corner. Baron lines him up and delivers a big clothesline against the turnbuckles that further knocks the wind out of Mr. Dick. Infact it's just the ropes holding the number one contender up as Baron whips the crowd up in support. The Lonestar Gunslinger delivers a short range elbow to Mr. Dick and then takes off into the ropes. As he rebounds though, Mr. Dick suddenly explodes... into life... and cuts Baron off with a STIFF Kick to the face!!! "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Oh, what a shot! With Baron down, Mr. Dick tries to capitalise with a quick cover... 1... 2... No! Despite the kickout Windels is in bad shape and Mr. Dick is able to apply a rear chinlock, buying himself some time. COLE This has been a physical battle, just as we expected from these former friends. As Mr. Dick lives up to his name with a needless fish-hooking of his opponent, we cut backstage to find OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion Leon Rodez in the In Crowd locker room, following the action closely on a TV monitor with his title belt hung up from the lockers beside him. COLE And there you see the World Heavyweight Champion watching on, scouting the man who will challenge him for that title in nine days time. And no doubt routing Baron on also. COACH Oh I'm sure he'd love Baron to do him a favour and injure Mr. Dick. COLE That's not really what I meant. COACH Sure it was, you can admit it. That nice-guy act he had going died with his relationship with Maggie. Mister Dick lets Baron go and delivers some forearms as Baron climbs to his feet. A knee doubles Baron up, Mr. Dick grabbing onto the waist of Baron's trunks and dragging him forward into a second knee. Finding himself near the ropes Mr. Dick then hangs the neck over the top and chokes Baron. "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" MR. DICK C'MON BARON... YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME... "FOUR!" "FIV..." Mr. Dick breaks the choke and gets in the referee's face briefly. He then hits the ropes and with Baron still hung up, a knee to the kidneys finds it's mark. COLE Nowhere for Baron to go on that one. Falling to his knees in pain Baron is placed in a headlock and caught with three short punches by Mr. Dick who then gives the fans the "UP YOURS". And gets about 60 in return. Not bothered, MD whips Baron to the ropes and connects with a standing dropkick! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! COACH Great extension on that dropkick. Don't worry, I'll call it since you won't. I got your media integrity right here bud! Mr. Dick swaggers around his fallen opponent a little, clearly delighting in the fact he's got Baron where he wants him. The Cocky Prick mocks the crowd for trying to get behind him and lifts Baron's arm up, letting it drop to the mat and mocking that he's 'gone limp'. Still laughing from that zinger Mr. Dick picks the legs and prepares to lower the boom and just be a dick. Before he can drop the headbutt though, Baron suddenly kicks out and forces MD away with his leg strength! Mr. Dick recovers coming off the ropes though and delivers a stomp which looks suspiciously low!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Come on referee, that's grounds for a disqualification surely! COACH Looked okay to me. Good firm kick to the midsection. COLE Look at Baron Windels writhing in pain and tell me with a straight face that stomp was in the midsection! The referee does call Mr. Dick on it but he's typically flippant to the ref and just brushes him off. He picks Baron up, slowly with Baron so rigid in pain, then delivers a Neckbreaker! Dusting his hands The Human Hard On hooks both legs, stacking Baron up... 1... 2... NO!! Mr. Dick looks frustrated and stalks around with hands on hips. In the meantime Baron fights to his feet. But Mr. Dick drops him with a clothesline and hooks him up again... 1... 2... NO! COLE It looks like Mister Dick may be getting a little frustrated at not being able to put his one time ally away. You think he's regretting signing up for this 'warm-up' now? COACH Hey, it ain't over yet and if Mr. Dick wins, imagine the confidence he's gonna have going into Anglepalooza. Not that he needs more confidence... COLE That's for sure. It's still a risk to his confidence, if you ask me. Picking Baron back up Mr. Dick scowls, starting to rough Baron up a bit. After messing up the hair he goes on to slap him upside the head a couple of times, just mocking his former partner. Mr. Dick then ducks down, looking for the inverted atomic drop to set up the Cock Shock... ...but it's Dickzilla who gets the shock as Baron captures him for a Backslide... COLE LOOK OUT! COACH NO! 1... 2... NO!! COLE Oh, he almost got caught right there! A quick boot stops Baron's fightback in it's tracks and Mr. Dick looks relieved before he uncorks a right hand. And another one. Mr. Dick then sets up an irish whip aiming Baron towards the corner, only for it to be reversed and to be sent into the turnbuckles himself. Summoning some strength, Baron charges and tells Mr. Dick to BITE MY SHINY METAL A... ...NO!! Mr. Dick moves and Baron's BUTT collides with the top turnbuckle instead! COLE Mister Dick with that well scouted, that used to be his move once upon a time. COACH Yeah, but when you're endowed like Mister Dick, why use your BUTT as a weapon when you can use your pride and joy? Looking to make good on that point Mr. Dick gets a run-up on Baron, pausing to go through a quick dick-cupping routine, brother! MD then charges and lunges with the BITE MY GIANT DI... ...CAUGHT!! COLE Oh my God! Taking a step out of the turnbuckles Baron manages to catch Mr. Dick in his arms to the amazement of all. Not least Dickzilla himself. And he carries him into the middle of the ring to deliver a Fallaway Slam!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COLE What a show of power from the true Lonestar Gunslinger, he just caught Mr. Dick in his arms! COACH Better than catching it in the face. COLE Would you stop!? Still hurting from the rigours of the match so far, Baron takes a few seconds, but does eventually crawl over to Mr. Dick and drape himself on top... 1... 2... SHOULDER UP! COLE Wow, only two, the number one contender just able to get that left shoulder up! COACH I'm sure Leon's loving this. Watching poor Mister Dick having to fight for his life while he sits and watches his ass grow like all World Champions do. COLE He wrestled just last week! COACH Oh, so he's done for the month now? Lazy ass World Champs... Baron hauls himself and Mr. Dick back up, both fatigued. Baron finds the strength to unload a right hand. And then another. And a third. The ref calls for him to open up the fist again, as Baron sends Mr. Dick off the ropes. Coming back, the number one contender is cut down by a big Lariat, Baron leaving his feet and almost taking Mr. Dick's head off in the process! With his opponent down Baron leaves the ring and starts to head to the top rope. COLE Baron Windels going up, it may be Clobberin' Time! Climbing back up, Mr. Dick unknowingly walks right into the path of the Top Rope Lariat! COLE Yes! Baron makes the cover, leg hooked... 1... 2... NO!! COACH Mr. Dick is one dick that just can't be beat! Now it's Baron who looks a little frustrated and he looks to the crowd for some inspiration, signalling that it's round-up time. COLE Here we go, Baron calling for the finish. COACH That doesn't mean anything. Just means he's a lame-ass show-pony. As Mr. Dick gets to his feet Baron lies in wait, sucking him into a front facelock looking for the Brigham Young Cocktail... ...but Mr. Dick counters with a back bodydrop! COACH See. Baron picks himself up as Mr. Dick comes off the ropes and gets STIFF... ...NO! Baron ducks the kick! Coming to a stop, Mr. Dick turns around into a boot to the gut and gets pulled back into the front facelock by Baron, who leaves the mat... but Mr. Dick counters again, shoving Baron backwards... ...and ALMOST into referee Mike Chioda in the corner! The ref cowers away from the collision as Baron barely puts the brakes on. Even though the referee isn't clattered, he is unsighted though, ALLOWING MR. DICK TO CAPITALISE WITH A LOWBLOW ON BARON!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" COLE WAIT A MINUTE! NO! As Baron hunches over, Mr. Dick pulls him onto his shoulders and throws him forward across the knees with the COCK BLOCK before Chioda knows what's happened! The crowd try to fill him in, but all Chioda sees when he turns around is Mr. Dick on top and demanding the count... 1... 2... 3!!!! *DINGDINGDING!* COACH And THAT's why he's the number one contender! COLE Damnit, this isn't right! BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match... MMMMMMIIIIIIISSSSSTTEEEEEERRRRR... DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Rolling out of the ring, Mr. Dick isn't hanging around for any inquiries into his win and leaves with his head and arms held high. In the ring Baron rolls around in pain, both from his stomach and lower. Mr. Dick smirks at getting away with the win and takes great joy in celebrating in a loud and aggressive manner in front of the fans in the aisle. COLE Mister Dick, thanks to a lowblow that went undetected by the referee, survives this match. He... COACH Yeah yeah, we know, he "STOLE ONE~!" Save it for the post-match investigation. Oh, wait, there ISN'T one, is there!? I guess that means we'll just have to give Mister Dick the win, huh? Another win on the way to the World Heavyweight Championship! Mr. Dick apprantly agrees, making the "belt motion" around his waist and an only slightly smaller "belt motion" around his dick. Laughing at Baron's misfortune as he rolls over and looks on from the ring, Mr. Dick raises his arms in victory once again. COLE I just hope this isn't a sign of things to come at Anglepalooza. Because we've just seen, Mister Dick will go to any lengths to get a victory. COACH You're right about one thing. Unlike you, Mister Dick WILL go to any lengths. COLE I dread to think what puns I'm going to have to put up with from you at Anglepalooza as well. *sigh* More HeldDOWN when we come back. [b]*COMMERCIAL BREAK*[/b] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted January 17, 2009 COLE Welcome back to OAOAST HeldDOWN, live from Manchester, New Hampshire. Before the break we saw the number one contender to the World Heayweight Title Mister Dick picking up a victory over former partner Baron Windels, although not without controversy. Standing by right now is our broadcast colleague Josh Matthews and he's with the World Champion. Cut to the In Crowd locker room to find Josh with Leon Rodez, World Title over his shoulder as he stands with hands on hips. MATTHEWS Leon, another win for Mister Dick tonight and more momentum going into next Sunday. Your thoughts? LEON Another win for Mister Dick. How can you guys can say that with a straight face, just goes to show the level of professionalism in the OAOAST. Because let's face it, it sounds ridiculous. There's a guy going around calling himself 'Mister Dick' and nobody bats an eyelid. That's professional wrestling for you I guess. You know, there's a lot of buzz lately about the guy. And rightly so. For nearly a year people have been asking, "why does he call himself Mister Dick?" Well the way I see it, there's three reasons. Leon puts one finger up on his right hand. LEON Reason one is he's incredibly annoying. From his obsession with his body, to the voice that could drown out a car alarm, to the ridiculous clothing he wears which I can only assume from how tight they fit were intended for teenage girls. Add to that the fact he's a complete jerk to everyone and he's just really, really annoying. More than that, he's irritating. Try as you might to ignore the guy, he just gets louder and more annoying until you've got no choice but to pay attention. All of which leads me to wonder why he didn't go with his initial idea for a new moniker, 'Jock-Itch'. Two fingers go up. LEON Second reason is he claims to be incredibly well endowed. A lot. You know, personal experience tells me that the guys who make the biggest deal about that kind of thing are over-compensating for something. I wouldn't be surprised if Mister Dick had an obscenely big rifle hung on the wall back at his ranch in Texas, or if he drove a sports car. All I know is, when Melody first heard the phrase "everything's bigger in Texas", she told me she thought it was ironic, that's all I'm gonna say on the matter. Three fingers up. LEON And third and finally, it's because there's no depths he won't stoop to in order to get what he wants. And at AnglePalooza, he wants this... (holds out belt)... which means I'm going to have to be on guard for every cheapshot, every lowblow, every dubious tactic there is in the book. Putting the belt back over his shoulder, Leon shakes his head. LEON If there's one consolation, I guess it's that Malaysia won't be at ringside with him. Lord knows the last thing I need is a Nerdly out there to distract me, right? MATTHEWS Indeed. LEON Although I think even my charms'd be lost there. And a night with her'd likely be more than my life's worth. But, I digress. The fact is we just saw that Malaysia or no Malaysia, Mister Dick's gonna break whatever rules he so chooses. And if I'm not careful, whether it's a knee in the groin or a foot on the ropes, I could get caught with something and three seconds later it'll be goodbye World Heavyweight Title. Well I'm determined not to let that happen. I've only just begun as World Champion. I'm barely even started making the mark I want to leave on this title. I said after I won the belt that I'd take on any challenger. Big, small, young, old... fair or foul. Mister Dick is a challenge. A different type of challenge. Am I worried by it? No. I'm wary of what he does, I'm aware of the lengths he'll go to. But it's just another challenge I've got to prepare for. And come Sunday night in Seattle, I'll be damned if Mister Dick's going to sneak one over on me like he's done to so many others. MATTHEWS Okay, Leon Rodez in defiant mood, he's ready to try and handle the Dick at AnglePalooza... LEON :huh: MATTHEWS ...let's send it back to ringside with Michael Cole and Coach! COLE Leon Rodez and Mister Dick for the World Heavyweight Championship, nine days away at AnglePalooza. And remember, we are just nine days away from the Lethal Rumble Match as well! Stay tuned to OAOAST.com for the latest news of the Lethal Rumble, official participants as they are announced. We've got our first announcements right now as it happens. And the first announcement, a big one for the rest of the Rumble field, because all FIVE members of Cucaracha Internacional are in. That's Six Man Tag Team Champions Nathaniel Black, James Blonde and Faqu, US Champion Todd Cortez and former World Champion Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix, all in the Lethal Rumble. COACH 5/30. I like those odds! COLE ...well when you put it that way it's not so great, but in a match where it's every man for himself, it could be a huge advantage for Cucaracha Internacional. Or, with recent tensions, it could go spectacularly wrong! In addition to that, one more name officially in the hat... Bohemoth, "The Meterosexual Monster", who at 6'7 and two hundred, eighty four pounds has to be considered one of the odds on favourites! More announcements in the coming days, stay tuned to OAOAST.com and make sure to tune in to Syndicated this week, Lethal Rumble Qualifying Matches to take place this weekend! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
