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Rob E Dangerously

World's Worst Wrestling fantasy booking thread

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[We fade in to a man in a suit sitting in an office]


MAN IN SUIT: Hello, my name is Rob Edison, and I was the man who financed the wrestling program World's Worst Wrestling. Unfortunately, I also had an addiction to escorts. Therefore I have been unable to present our quality product to you people for awhile. I know there is concern since our number one rival in putting out pure crap is TNA Wrestling. But we can coexist with TNA.


[Dramatic pause]


EDISON: Now, some of you may be asking yourself "How could a man with money problems, who abandoned the mortgage on multiple high priced condos, and who enjoys almost-illegal sex for pay afford to put on this kind of program?".. I just got a nice paycheck courtesy of the Federal Stimulus. I'd like to thank my new friend, Senator Arlen Specter, for helping arrange this arrangement in exchange for a check totalling $2300. Having pro wrestling is vital for stimulating our economy, and paying off the IRS creditors who hound me like the ghoulish whores that they are. Now, let's go to ring side, at the WWW Splatterdome, located in scenic Gary, Indiana.. for some WWW action with our commentators, Tony Schiavone and Lee Marshall.


[Cut to a worn-down high school gym in front of a crowd of dozens, Schiavone and Marshall are in a set resembling the Nitro set with their backs to the action.]


TONY SCHIAVONE: Tony Schiavone here, and we're in the Splatterdome, for what should be the greatest wrestling program in quite some time.


LEE MARSHALL: That's what Tony, you see, we've got some great action tonight, as the vacant Heavyweight title will be unvacanted in the steel cage, as we will see Vladimir Kozlov, The Great Khali, and Kevin Nash in a three way match. Also, we'll have tons of other matches i'm sure, and why are the fans cheering?


[schiavone and Marshall look confused]


SCHIAVONE: I have no idea what is going on.. our monitors don't work, Lee.

MARSHALL: Does that mean we need to turn around?

SCHIAVONE: Fraid so, Lee.


[The commentators turn around, to see Sting slapping hands with fans and walking down the aisle]


MARSHALL: I think that's Sting.. We're 30 feet away from him, but I think it's Sting.


[sting walks into the ring and gets a mic]


STING: You people are total scum!


[The fans pop and cheer]


STING: Ok, i'm just going to stop pretending i'm a bad guy for a bit. I'm the TNA champion, and i'm wrestling the first match? Did the guy making the matches have pubes when I became a superstar? I'm frickin' Sting, and i'm wrestling some guy named Mike Knox? Who is Mike Knox?


[Mike Knox wanders down the aisle]


STING: Why is this shirtless lumberjack coming down the aisle? I'm frickin Sting!


Match: TNA Champion Sting v. Mike Knox

Knox defeated Sting by a disqualification at 2:16 when Kane wandered down to ringside, and threw a supernatural fireball at Knox, setting Knox's beard on fire.


SCHIAVONE: How about that, fans.. Kane just set that guy on fire. I think. I can't totally tell from our vantage point.

MARSHALL: Tony, do you think we should move our set down to ringside?

SCHIAVONE: And be around THOSE people? Do you WANT to be mugged, Lee?

MARSHALL: Um, Tony.. you're probably going to have your house protested by Al Sharpton now.


[We cut to the back where Mike Knox is being administered medical care]




[We cut to another part of the back, where Kevin Nash is drinking a Dasani, sitting in a lawn chair, talking on the phone]


NASH: Scott, just pay the toll and go on your way. You can't run tolls in Chicago any more. Wait..


[Kevin Nash throws his water bottle at the camera and we cut to Jack Swagger wandering through the back. Swagger is handed an envelope]


SWAGGER: Hmm.. "Dear Jack Swagger, I enjoy your work.. but I must tell you something.. i'm your father.." WHAT? NOOOO!


[swagger crumbles up the letter and throws it away and we cut back to the ring]


Match: Scott Steiner v. Samoa Joe

Steiner wins at 1:53 after Kurt Angle distracts Samoa Joe with a Baconator, and Steiner KOs Joe by hitting him with his bicep. Then after the match, Rick Steiner runs down to the ring.


RICK: Scott, Scott.. it's serious.. Chucky's back..

SCOTT: Chucky's not fucking real, Rick.

RICK: Then why doesn't my car work?

SCOTT: Did you fucking fill it up, bro?

RICK: Um.. maybe. But, Chucky probably made it not work.

SCOTT: Look Rick, you've been on this Chucky stuff for years. The School Board is sick of hearing it, i'm sick of hearing it.


[We cut to the back where we see Vladimir Kozlov working out. Then the Big Show is seen standing]


KOZLOV: Big Show, um.. why are you here?

BIG SHOW: I'm not booked tonight. So I just stand around other bad guys.


[We cut to the ring]


Match: Glacier v. Sid

Sid wins at 0:36 with a Powerbomb, only to be attacked by Booker T, for some reason.


[We cut to the back as Booker T is being led off]


BOOKER: SID! You call yourself the master and ruler of the world? I am the King of the Universe! and I just dethroned your ass!


[We cut back to the ring as the steel cage is being put up]


[We cut back to the back, as Meng is walking through the back, and he is confronted by the Barbarian.]


THE BARBARIAN: Meng, bro.. what's your secret about the car dealerships? I need some quick money, dude..

MENG: Bro, topsay reakingbay ayfabekay..


[The Cat walks up]


THE CAT: Barby, bro, you breaking the code?



[Meng karate chops the Barbarian, The Cat kicks the Barbarian, and Meng applies the Tongan Death Grip]




[We cut to a carnival scene]


"Hizello, I aizm Kizarn--"


[Kizarny is thrown into a table by Sabu, and the scene is broken up. We cut to the ring]


"The following match is a cage match three-way, and the first man out of the cage will be victorious.. introducing first.. from Soviet Russia, Vladimir Kozlov"


[Kozlov comes out to an indifferent reaction]


"Introducing next, from India, the Great Khali!"


[Khali walks down to ringside, and can't fit through the cagedoor]


"Um.. introducing last, from the Retirement Castle, Big Sexy Kevin Nash"


[Nash walks down to ringside, and then offers to steady the barred cage while Khali climbs the cage to enter the ring]


MARSHALL: Tony, the Great Khali may not be able to win this match

SCHIAVONE: Wow, he sure is large and slow.


Match for the Heavyweight title: Kevin Nash v. The Great Khali v. Vladimir Kozlov


Kevin Nash emerges victorious at 4:42 after quietly slipping out of the cage door while Khali had Kozlov in a boring nervehold.


After the match:


[Kevin Nash celebrates with the belt, but then we see Mike Adamle with a ring mic]


ADAMLE: Kevin Nash, you are not the real champ. I brought the real champ here with me. I brought HAWK HOGAN WITH ME


[Hulk Hogan walks out]


HOGAN: Nash, bro, you're not the Heavyweight champ, I'm the heavyweight champ. Don't you try taking what's mine!


[Then Vince Russo walks out]


RUSSO: Hey hey hey guys.. i'm the spawrtz entahtainment champ.. that's a lot better than your belts... I've got a chall--






[scott Hall enters the area]


HALL: Ey yo!


[Police swarm Hall and arrest him]


NASH: Scott, bro, did you just lead the police on a chase?

HALL: Maybe..


[Nash facepalms]


NASH: Guys, we need to settle this later. Ok.

HOGAN: Ok bro..



[Russo runs down to the ring, and enters. Then the Great Khali releases the nervehold, and chops Russo. Khali throws Russo into the cage as we fade to black]


Next show info


Dream Partners Match

Heavyweight Champion Kevin Nash and a partner v. Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan and a partner v. Sports Entertainment Champion Vince Russo and a partner


Meng and Ernest "The Cat" Miller v. The Barbarian and a partner

Rick and Scott Steiner v. a mystery team

ECW Champion Jack Swagger v. TNA Champion Sting

The Great Khali v. Vladimir Kozlov

Kane v. Booker T

Kizarny v. Sabu


And more!


From the WWW Splatterdome in scenic Gary, Indiana


I swear the cards will be longer if I either (a) get inspired or (b) get some wrestling sim. Leave comments/ideas/complaints

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Taped Live from the Splatterdome in Gary, Indiana. It's World's Worst Wrestling Splatterzone!


[We cut to the back, where Rob Van Dam is making a cameo]


VAN DAM: Hey.. dudes.. I just want to fill all of you in.. on the whole Sabu Kizarny thing.. uh.. Sabu hates carnies. It goes back for like a few decades. They took his money, he got his uncle to throw fire at them.. they retaliated.. it's.. it makes sense. Kizarny sucks, and so do carnies.


CAMERAMAN: Uh, Sabu talks now, why are you here?


VAN DAM: He has a sore throat, he's uh.. busy..


[The camera pans to the right, where the dressing room that says "SABU" on it has smoke pillowing out from under the crack]


[We cut to the ring, where Mike Adamle is in the ring.]


ADAMLE: Cary, Indiana.. you're about to be introduced to ADAMLE'S ARMY... this horde of superstars will allow for me to take over the World's Worst Wrestling. Introducing the musclar men of the army.. the Demolition Warriors, Smash and Animal!


[Demolition Smash and Road Warrior Animal walk down to the ring]


ADAMLE: And the general of Adamle's Army.. HEAVY MENTAL VAN HAMMER


[Van Hammer runs down to the ring carrying a guitar]


ADAMLE: I brought Hulk Hogan to the World's Worst Wrestling, but my army is my ultimate addition.. and soon General Van Hammer will be the champion of World's Worst Wrestling. Just as soon as he beats this opponent.


MATCH: Van Hammer v. Tito Santana

Santana wins at 1:31 in an upset after a flying forearm. Then Santana escapes the wrath of Adamle's Army as Hulk Hogan runs down to steal the spotlight save Tito. Hogan takes the mic afterwards.


HOGAN: Kevin Nash, brah.. you're no World Champion. I'm the World Champion. And we're going to settle this. Come out now!


[Kevin Nash doesn't show up]


HOGAN: Kevin Nash, where are you? Kevin!


[Hogan gets discouraged and leaves the ring.]

[We cut to the back where we see police leading Scott Hall out in cuffs from Sabu's lockerroom]


VAN DAM: Officer, I swear to you that Sabu is just a foreigner who doesn't know what's going on.

SABU: Brah, what's going on.

VAN DAM: Oh damnit..


[Kizarny shows up and then displays a shiny hypno coin]


KIZARNY: Kizarny cizommands yizou pizolice tizo arrizest Sizabu!!!!


[The Police arrest Sabu and RVD and start clubbing them, a closeup of the coin shows that it's really a commemorative gold coin]


MATCH: Kizarny v. Sabu

Kizarny wins by forfeit due to the arrest of Sabu.


[We cut to the back, where Kane is being interviewed by Vince from Shamwow]


VINCE: Vince here, with World's Worst Wrestling, the wrestling that's so bad, you know it's good, and i'm here with Kane. Kane, last week, you burned Mike Knox, why did you do that?

KANE: Vince, Mike Knox has what I have always wanted.

VINCE: A lumberjack beard? You know, that with my new brand of hairgel, the one that is making America hairy again, you two can get good hair aga---


[Kane locks his hand around Vince's throat]


KANE: You.. don't... underrrrstttaaannddd


[Kane throws a fireball at Vince and wanders off. We cut to the ring]


MATCH: Kane v. Booker T

Booker T wins by disqualification at 3:12 after Sid runs down to the ring to attack Booker. But then Kane attacks Sid. Only to have Snitsky run down to the ring to make the save for Sid. Running Booker and Kane out of the ring.


[We cut to the back where Jack Swagger is checking his e-mail on his phone]


SWAGGER: Hey, I've got a new e-mail. Let's see what it says. "Jack, I saw what you did last week. You know I am your father. You can't run forever. I will get into your life. Sincerel.." NOOOOOOOOO THIS CAN'T BE...


[swagger throws his phone down and walks off. We cut to the back where Sting is drinking coffee next to Tito Santana.]


STING: Tito, back in our day, wrestlers used realistic names. Names that we could see a normal person having. Tito Santana. Ric Flair. Barry Windham. But nowadays. Jack Swagger. The Great Khali. Mike Knox. Who believes that? These damn kids are the reason why the economy is in the crapper. They're just too irresponsible.


SANTANA: Uh.. Sting.. um.. nevermind man.


[We cut to the ring]


MATCH: Jack Swagger v. Sting

Sting wins by a DQ at 1:25 after a masked man comes in and attacks Sting, before giving Jack Swagger a note and walking off. Jack Swagger opens the note, screams, and tears it into pieces.


MATCH: The Great Khali v. Vladimir Kozlov

Cameras cut away from the match at 2:13 to cover a Kevin Nash backstage segment.


[Kevin Nash is sitting on a beanbag in shorts and a t-shirt. He gets up and looks to be making an important announcement.]


NASH: Hulk Hogan, I am the real champion. And I will give you a shot at my title. Just 2 weeks from now. We'll settle this. As for tonight, I've got my partner. You better be ready.


[Vince Russo walks up to the scene.]


RUSSO: Kevin, you're forgetting that i'm in this match too, but I got the guts here. I have a partner. He is one of the many men who I made a superstar. He is CUTE KIP!


[Cute Kip walks up]


KIP: Hey Kev, you got anything left in your cooler.

RUSSO: Uh, Kip, you're wrestling him tonight

KIP: So?


We cut back to the ring, where the Khali match is over. But Kane has walked out to confront the Great Khali. Then the Big Show also comes out and does nothing. But just before Kane can throw a fireball... Sid, Snitsky, and a bandaged Mike Knox run out to make the save.


MATCH: Meng and Ernest the Cat Miller v. The Barbarian and a partner

The Barbarian's partner is La Parka.. who quickly hits the Barbarian with a chair, and joins Meng and the Cat in a 3 on 1 beatdown.


[We cut to the back where Rick Steiner is talking to his brother]


RICK: I swear to you Scott, he's real, and he called me last night. We need protection. Now, ever notice that nobody in Chucky movies has a gun. You see, you need a gun to deal with him. I'm going to get you a concealed weapons permit, ok bro.

SCOTT: Rick, i'm pretty sure people shot Chucky in those MOVIES. They're movies. Chucky isn't real. I swear.


THE MATCH: The Steiner Brothers v. The American Males

The team of Buff Bagwell and Scotty Riggs came out to take on the Steiners, but then a masked man ran down to the ring to attack Rick Steiner, the man unmasks to reveal a Chucky mask, sending Steiner fleeing. While in the ring, Buff Bagwell turned heel on his partner, giving him a Buff Blockbuster and pinning him, giving the team of Buff Bagwell and Scott Steiner a surprise victory.


Meanwhile in the back, Rick Steiner flees into a dressing room as Chucky pursues him. Steiner is cornered and Chucky kicks the door down.. only for people in Jason and Freddy Krueger outfits to make the save.


The Main Event

The Dream Partners Match

Heavyweight Champion Kevin Nash and a partner v. Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan and a partner v. Sports Entertainment Champion Vince Russo and Cute Kip


Hulk Hogan came out and introduced his dream partner as his close personal friend, Dusty Rhodes.


Kevin Nash came out, and introduced his dream partner as his personal physician, Dr. Joseph Aomas (who kind of looks like Samoa Joe, only dressed up as a doctor)


As for the actual match, Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan had a show plodding brawl into the audience. Then Mickey Rourke ran down the aisle, hitting Cute Kip with a chair and taking his place on the apron. Then he stripped down to reveal wrestling tights, Russo tags him, mistaking him for Cute Kip, and then Rourke attacked Russo, slamming him, and hitting him with the Ram Jam. But then a confused and unobservant Dusty Rhodes hits Rourke with an elbowdrop and pins him, giving Hogan and Rhodes the victory.


As for the Hogan and Nash brawl, Scott Hall made a run-in wearing an orange jumpsuit, helping Nash doubleteam Hogan, before Ed Leslie and Brian Knobbs made the save. Kevin Nash got a ring mic.


NASH: Hogan, I got the match for you when we face off.. it'll be a..


NASH: Whaaat.. damnit Scott, don't DO that to me.. are you kidding?

HOGAN: I accept, brutha!


[Nash is facepalming as we fade to a promo for the next show]




We will fill the vacant WWW Tag Team titles, in a way not directly related to tag teams or a tournament.


-The Cat will face the Barbarian

-Meng and La Parka will face the team of Glacier and Scotty too Hotty

-Rick Steiner, Jason, and Freddy will face Chucky and two mystery partners

-Vince Russo and Cute Kip face Randy the Ram Robinson and a mystery partner

-Kane, The Big Show, Booker T and Stevie Ray face Mike Knox, Snitsky, The Great Khali, and Sid

-Sting faces Colin Delaney

-Adamle's Army (Van Hammer, Smash, and Animal) will face the team of Hugh Morrus, Test, and Tito Santana

-Jack Swagger will wrestle The Undertaker

-Kevin Nash and Scott Hall will face Hulk Hogan and Ed Leslie


The winners of these matches will wrestle in a battle royal, where the last two men in the ring will be crowned the Tag Team champions.


Also.. the PPV card..





Now we're rolling

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Sabu? You're drunk.


Garbage wrestling? Yes.

Creative, fun to watch, ahead of his time moves? Yes.

Entertaining matches with some of the biggest names of all time (including some notable world champions)? Yes.


I appreciate the effort, but surely, somewhere in the annals of wrestling history, you could have found someone worse than Sabu (even if he was arrested), right?

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Sabu? You're drunk.


Garbage wrestling? Yes.

Creative, fun to watch, ahead of his time moves? Yes.

Entertaining matches with some of the biggest names of all time (including some notable world champions)? Yes.


I appreciate the effort, but surely, somewhere in the annals of wrestling history, you could have found someone worse than Sabu to fill a card with 11 participants, right?


I don't think that he's going for bad wrestlers, necessarily. Part of it is taking workable talent and misusing them.

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You did notice that Sabu didn't wrestle, and that he was only wrestling someone due to a hatred of carnyfolk.


But it is kind of relieving that booking cards around Nash and Hogan works in 2009.. since I was doing it when I did WWW stuff in 2003 and 2004.


If I wanted pure crap, it wouldn't be as entertaining. And I would need to make sure that Nathan Jones and Rocky Mountain Thunder were still living.


Plus i'm a lazy bastard without TNM7, so I can't do 18 match crap-cards as easily

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I eventually noticed that he didn't wrestle. In hindsight, I think I missed the point, as I don't get the carny-folk thing. My initial argument after the arrested thing is moot if that's not what you were going for.


I have nothing to offer here.

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How does one NOT hate carnyfolk.. even if that hatred comes from the realization that the carnies screwed them over with their wit and ability to fool your dumbass.


Anyways, the bigger gripe is probably more on Swagger. I'll admit that.. I don't really watch Smackdown or ECW. But I'll check into it to make sure that Jack properly handles the realization that his father may be unveiled soon.

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