bigolsmitty

[Tommy 0]

Hey, how y'all doing? Name's Dudley, and I'm a foreman at a Toyota factory down here in Kentucky. What I want to talk about here is a guy you all know as bigolsmitty, but who I know as Smit Smitkowitz, my damn deadbeat stepson. Ever since I met his mother, Smit and me have never got on too good. Ain't nobody's fault, really. We just don't see eye to eye on too much, you know? Since he moved out, it ain't really been too much of a problem: I don't talk to him, he don't talk to me, and we get along just fine. But when those ice storms blew through here couple months ago, Smit's power got knocked clean out for a couple weeks and he had to come stay here with me and his mother. No big deal, right? He's family, so I didn't have no big problem with it.

 

Not sure if Smit's never shown you all any pictures of him, but he's balder than a baby's ass, okay? This ain't no accident. The son of a bitch--excuse my language--would be in the bathroom shaving his head a couple times a day. And damned if he didn't leave all that shaving cream and stubble drying in the sink. Think he'd lift a finger to clean it up? Nah, not Smit. In fact, the only thing I ever saw him do in two damn weeks was sit on the couch watching C-SPAN and looking at titty movies on his laptop. Oh, and eat. Pardon my French, but goddamn. That guy could eat like a damn bull elephant. Every time I put something in the fridge, it was gone 20 minutes later. He'd throw it in a sandwich, and go right back to watching his C-SPAN and looking at his titty movies. So one night me and Smit's mother went out to see a movie. We had both been big fans of King of Queens and enjoyed the actor Kevin James, so we figured we'd go see that Mall Cop he was in. Smit didn't want to go and I didn't want to pay for him, on account of all the money I was losing on feeding his lazy ass--excuse my language. My wife asks me if I want to grab something to eat while we're out, but I figure I'll just warm up some Hot Pockets when we get home--we do okay on money and everything, but I don't see no sense in paying for a hamburger when I got some perfectly good food back at the house. We step through the door and the whole damn place smells like Willie Nelson's beard, okay? There's smoke everywhere. I walk out to the living room to find Smit higher than giraffe pussy--pardon my language--and looking at his titty movies and blaring his damn C-SPAN. I notice that he's got pepperoni pizza Hot Pocket shit all over his face and hands. I would have put the guy through a damn wall if his mother hadn't been there. I had to run out to Arby's to get something to eat and to cool off a little. I didn't say two words to the bastard the rest of the time he was in my house. I've had prostate infections I'd sooner welcome back.

 

Smit, you're a bald bastard and a damn terrible stepson. I hate you.

[Obi Chris Kenobi 0]

Awesome. I'd buy your podcasts.

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

It's all true--I love you anyway.

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

Shit, Shower and Shave is souring his reputation.

[Art Sandusky 0]

Metal Ed 2.0?

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

A few inaccuracies:

 

a. Dudley is a foreman! But actually in construction.

b. My name, obv.

c. Dudley & I get along. He's alright.

d. Actually, my power was fine during the ice storm. Dudley & Mom's actually went out.

e. Just shave the ol' noggin every other day.

f. I get most of my news online, not from TV.

g. Not really into "titty movies."

h. I'm way too much of a health nut to eat Hot Pockets.

i. Finally, and most importantly, while that picture does kind of look like the real Dudley, his 'stache is a little more Rollie Fingers-esque.

[Smartly Pretty 0]

How come all the old Chris Simms posts are now advertisements for grills?

[Kinetic 0]

A few inaccuracies:

 

a. Dudley is a foreman! But actually in construction.

b. My name, obv.

c. Dudley & I get along. He's alright.

d. Actually, my power was fine during the ice storm. Dudley & Mom's actually went out.

e. Just shave the ol' noggin every other day.

f. I get most of my news online, not from TV.

g. Not really into "titty movies."

h. I'm way too much of a health nut to eat Hot Pockets.

i. Finally, and most importantly, while that picture does kind of look like the real Dudley, his 'stache is a little more Rollie Fingers-esque.

 

But all things considered, it was alarmingly accurate.

[Kinetic 0]

How come all the old Chris Simms posts are now advertisements for grills?

 

It bothered me that none of the Chris Simms posts made sense anymore after I switched the account to Randy Butts, so I edited all of the posts to link to non-consensual erotic fiction. When it was subsequently changed again to Jung Billz, I edited them to that grill ad you mentioned there. I haven't bothered doing that sort of thing with any of the other threads that my revolving door gimmick account has started.

[cobainwasmurdered 0]

A few inaccuracies:

 

 

g. Not really into "titty movies."

 

Freak.

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

A few inaccuracies:

 

a. Dudley is a foreman! But actually in construction.

b. My name, obv.

c. Dudley & I get along. He's alright.

d. Actually, my power was fine during the ice storm. Dudley & Mom's actually went out.

e. Just shave the ol' noggin every other day.

f. I get most of my news online, not from TV.

g. Not really into "titty movies."

h. I'm way too much of a health nut to eat Hot Pockets.

i. Finally, and most importantly, while that picture does kind of look like the real Dudley, his 'stache is a little more Rollie Fingers-esque.

 

But all things considered, it was alarmingly accurate.

 

It really was...I think my mom even likes King of Queens.

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

How come all the old Chris Simms posts are now advertisements for grills?

 

It bothered me that none of the Chris Simms posts made sense anymore after I switched the account to Randy Butts, so I edited all of the posts to link to non-consensual erotic fiction. When it was subsequently changed again to Jung Billz, I edited them to that grill ad you mentioned there. I haven't bothered doing that sort of thing with any of the other threads that my revolving door gimmick account has started.

 

Have you publicly acknowledged your ownership of that gimmick previously?

[Kinetic 0]

I was under the impression that it was common knowledge. I'm pretty sure that I've taken responsibility for Wilford Brimley, Chris Simms, and Jung Billz. Anyone curious enough could check the member display name history and connect the dots from there.

[cobainwasmurdered 0]

Kinetic's gimmicks are usually fairly obvious. He has a certain style.

[Kinetic 0]

Heavy on the words, light on the humor. That's how I roll.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

Bring back JungBillz

[Czech please! 0]

You basically are Jung Billz.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

Your mama.

[GIYGAS 0]

Dudley!

 

Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley, Dudley!

[Art Sandusky 0]

More like GAYGAS.

[PUT THAT DICK IN MY MOUTH! 0]

A few inaccuracies:

 

a. Dudley is a foreman! But actually in construction.

b. My name, obv.

c. Dudley & I get along. He's alright.

d. Actually, my power was fine during the ice storm. Dudley & Mom's actually went out.

e. Just shave the ol' noggin every other day.

f. I get most of my news online, not from TV.

g. Not really into "titty movies."

h. I'm way too much of a health nut to eat Hot Pockets.

i. Finally, and most importantly, while that picture does kind of look like the real Dudley, his 'stache is a little more Rollie Fingers-esque.

 

So you do enjoy getting "higher than giraffe pussy"?

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

Probably would but I can't.

[Kinetic 0]

Story of my life. I'd love to get as high as giraffe pussy right now, but there exists the vague possibility of some job calling me back and me ruining my life by failing a drug test. I went to apply for a job as a sign twirler this afternoon. You know, one of these people on the side of the road advertising tax services or pizza or what have you. 100 fucking people showed up. 100 fucking people! How is my application going to stand out there? I don't have any sign twirling experience. I've never dressed up like the Statue of Liberty or Uncle Sam or a piece of pizza. There's no way I get this job. I'm just a guy. But if I can get as high as giraffe pussy...I'm a superstar!