HD: CI segments

[King Cucaracha 0]

In order spread through the show, obviously.

 

 

Despite the Oriental decoration, there's no feng shui, relaxed zen or calming chi in the office of OAOAST President Josie Baker. Just more headaches and more paperwork, with some different scenery. And it's still an open door policy to any disgruntled OAOAST workers who want to barge in and disrupt her. Like, for example, Landon Maddix, who doesn't even bother knocking and catches Josie by surprise in a small, short moment of calm.

MADDIX
Josie, a moment of your time?

Landon, rather presumptiously, takes a seat on the edge of Josie's desk. A rather vexed Ms. Baker stands up and walks around in front.

JOSIE
Look, Landon, this whole 'level playing field' thing you seem to think we have, just because you're running the SWF and I'm running the OAOAST and you believe we've got some sort of common ground... it's not happening, okay? We're not buddy buddy, you don't have some special inside track with me. You are the employee and I am the employer. Understood?

MADDIX
You're feeling stressed out. I can tell. Don't worry, I get the same thing myself all the time.

Josie feels like banging her head against a brick wall, but thankfully restrains herself.

MADDIX
Here's the deal. I've been trying to get this little thing off the ground with my guys lately, a challenge laid out to the rest of the locker room. Four on four, anyone who thinks they're a stronger force than Cucaracha Internacional can go ahead and try to prove it. It's simple, but it's effective. Anyway, the problem is, I guess you must have not heard about it, being so busy as you are. We can't answer any of these challenges, because we're getting double booked! First you put Todd and James in some ladder match at School's Out, meaning we can't accept a challenge on Pay Per View. Then last week, you're putting Faqu in there with the World Champion, so we can't accept a challenge then either. Your priorities are a... little all over the place. Look, I run my own promotion too...

Josie groans under her breath.

MADDIX
...so I know how hard it is to keep everyone happy with booking conflicts. So I'm just laying it out there, just something to keep in mind, unless you really HAVE to, don't be putting my guys into situations that don't matter anymore. What's important to us is the eight mans.

JOSIE
I appreciate the clarification.

MADDIX
Not a problem. Always glad to help. So, what are the chances of finding us opponents for tonight?

JOSIE
Well, as it happens, you're in luck. I've got opponents ready and waiting.

Smiling, Landon doesn't seem to notice the tone of Josie's voice might not be leading to something he'll like.

JOSIE
You see, I've been meaning to talk to you about this eight man tag situation. Yeah. Very good idea. Not only is it great for unity... it's doing a great job of keeping those titles around your boys' waists, isn't it?

MADDIX
What do you mean by that?

JOSIE
Well, we can't have them defending the belts if they're in eight man tag matches, can we? Very crafty. Unfortunately, contrary to what you seem to think, nothing gets past me Landon.

Trying to look as offended as possible at these 'wild' accusations, Landon stands up off the desk.

JOSIE
You've not been defending titles on PPV, on TV and even the live event defences are drying up. And now both the US and 6-Man Titles are running close to their 30 days. I'm not having another International Championship on my hands. So, tonight, Cucaracha Internacional are going to be defending their titles.

MADDIX
:O
What? Why?

JOSIE
Were you not listening, I just explained exactly why!

MADDIX
But what about the eight man tag I asked for? You're just going to take my suggestion and toss it away, without even considering it?

JOSIE
Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. Now, if you could run along and pass the message on? I've got a lot of paperwork to be getting on with... I'm sure you understand.

Trying to come up with another arguement, Landon comes up short and ends up stomping out of the room in a huff. Josie sighs and goes back to her paperwork as the sound of footsteps and muttering gets fainter and fainter.

[King Cucaracha 0]

COLE
Our US Title match is up next, let's go back up to the ring.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the OAOAST UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP! In the ring, accompanied by BIFF ATLAS... from Brooklyn, New York. Weighing two hundred, twenty eight pounds... "THE DISCO DUCK"... VVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNYYYYYY... VVVAAAAAAAAALLLLLEEENNTTIIIIIIINNEEEEE!!!

Vinny breaks out the "Night Fever" dance, shrugging off Biff's eager attempts to tell him something.

COLE
A big opportunity tonight for Brooklyn, New York's only known disco fan.

"Oh No" by Mos Def, Nate Dogg, and Pharoah Monche hits and the first time Nate Dogg shouts "Oh No", a quick burst of pyro shoots up from both sides of the ramp, showering Todd Cortez in sparkles as he stands preparing to walk down the aisle.

BUFFER
And introducing his opponent. Weighing in tonight at two hundred and twenty six pounds... and representing Cucaracha Internacional... he is the reigning and defending OAOAST UNITED STATES CHAMPION... "THE URBAN LEGEND"... TTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODD... CCOOOOOORRRRRRRRTTEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Cortez climbs into the ring and stands on the turnbuckles, showing off the US Title to the Japanese fans. Still instant about trying to tell Vinny something, Biff is shooed from the ring by his tag partner, with more important things to worry about than Biff's insane superpower theories. Cortez hands the belt over to the referee and Vinny V gets a good look at it, before asking the referee to hold it in the air and using it as a makeshift disco ball, dancing underneath it!!

COACH
Oh yeah!

COLE
We've seen some disrespect and degredation for championship belts before and that's right up there.

COACH
Are you kidding? If Vinny wins tonight, I'm sure the belt will take pride of place, hanging over his dancefloor.


*DINGDINGDING!*

Vinny gets down to business and locks up with Cortez, grabbing a side headlock. The smile is wiped from Vinny's face though as Todd turns out of the headlock, sweeps the leg and kicks Vinny HARD in the spine! Rolling out of the ring Vinny calls a timeout.

COLE
That's what happens when you treat someone else's title belt as a disco ball... I assume, anyway... I don't imagine that's ever happened before, anywhere, ever.

Having worked the kinks out in his back, shrugging off Biff's attempts to help in the process, Vinny climbs back into the ring. He asks for another lock up, only to fake Cortez out and boot him in the gut instead. Vinny clubs Todd in the back before giving him a chop to the chest, suddenly feeling good again. Off the ropes, he knocks Todd down with a shoulder charge and proceeds to dance again!

COLE
Now is not the time for dancing, even if you are "The Disco Duck".

Vinny hits the ropes again, going up and over Cortez. Popping to his feet Cortez looks for a hiptoss, blocked by Valentine. After another ode to John Travolta, Vinny swings at Cortez with a clothesline. Cortez ducks though and rolls Vinny up...


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2...



No!

Vinny elbows Cortez down and tries a pin of his own...


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2...



No!

Shoving Cortez to the ropes, Vinny ducks his head and pays with a boot to the shoulder blade. He tries again with a clothesline but Cortez ducks again, waiting for Vinny to come back off the ropes and delivering a well-placed kick to the chest. With Vinny reeling, Todd delivers a clothesline off his own. And another, sending Vinny rolling to the floor again.

COLE
I think Cortez has had just about enough of Vinny's timeouts.

Biff comes over to advise Vinny again, just as Cortez leans out of the ring... and clocks their heads together!

COLE
A meeting of the... uhm... minds?

Pulled back onto the apron by Cortez, Valentine is nailed with a couple of right hands before the referee comes over. The moment's distraction allows Vinny to knee Cortez through the ropes and set him up, looking for a suplex to the floor. Cortez blocks the attempt and fights Valentine off, nailing him with some more shots. Staggered on the apron, Vinny holds onto the top rope hovering dangerously over the arena floor. One final right hand dislodges him... and luckily, Biff is there to come to Vinny's aid, catching Vinny in an electric chair as he falls off the apron.

COACH
Oh, the super strength!

COLE
The wha... please, don't you start!

Ungrateful, Vinny yells at Biff to put him down but he seems more amazed at having heroicly rescued someone and tries to stop his legs from wobbling while he carries Vinny to 'safety'. Cortez watches on, confused. Before eventually he tires of the cherade and runs across the ring, DIVING INTO BIFF WITH A PLANCHA THAT SENDS BIFF AND VINNY ON HIS SHOULDERS CRASHING BACK INTO THE BARRICADE!!!!!

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
All they're missing is a long overcoat and a hat and they'd make the perfect Scooby Doo villian.

Cortez untangles Valentine from Biff and throws him back into the ring, going for the pin...


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2...



Kickout!

Staggering away, hands in front of him, Vinny tries to buy some time but Cortez chases after him with a boot and sends him to the ropes. Knocking Vinny down with a back elbow, Todd turns away and follows up with a standing moonsault!


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2...



Kickout!

COLE
I have to say, Cortez taking this challenge in his stride, unlike Landon Maddix earlier.

COACH
Todd's a fighting champion. Landon wouldn't invest his time and knowledge into anything less.

COLE
I'm sure Todd appreciates every bit of it.

Vinny backs into a corner...


*SLAP!*

...and gets chopped!


*SLAP!*

...and again! Cortez then whips Vinny across the ring, but runs into a raised boot as he tries to follow up.

COLE
Oh, Vinny scores with a hard shot.

Out of the corner, Vinny delivers a swinging neckbreaker on the doubled up US Champion! He crawls on top and makes the cover...


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2...



Kickout!

Vinny shakes off the effects of the punishment he's been taking before attacking Cortez, clubbing him across the back as he tries to get up. Scoop and a slam puts Todd in position for Vinny to go up to the middle rope. He stands tall and jukes and jives a little, before driving the point of the elbow into the chest.

COLE
And Valentine starting to build some momentum. Any coincidence that Biff is still flat out on the floor? You decide.

Doing a little celebratory dance, Vinny waves Todd back to his feet. A boot doubles him up, Vinny off the ropes with a kneelift. Vinny then grabs Cortez in a gutwrench and attempts to turn him up inside down, setting up Blame It On The Boogie! But Todd rolls right over onto his feet and reverses on Vinny, elevating him onto a shoulder and rolling SNAKE EYES in the corner. Turning into the ropes, Cortez then catches Vinny staggering backwards with the HOLLOW POOOOOIIIIIINNTT!! Cover...


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2...



NO!

Cortez looks for the finish and sets Vinny up, looking for the RIOT ACT PLUS... NO! Vinny backdrops his way out of it!

COLE
Vinny dodged a bullet there and... wait a minute, what's this?

Motioning to the outside, Vinny calls very clearly for Biff to go and get him a steel chair. Still looking shaken up, Biff starts to walk around ringside to go grab a chair... but suddenly, he stops. To Vinny's confusion. A little more frantic, he waves at Biff to "put the pedal to the metal", but Biff wags his finger. And telling Vinny he has a "better idea", he goes back around the ring and starts to try and uproot the steel steps!

COLE
What is Biff doing?

COACH
I think Vinny's wondering the same thing.

Biff struggles to get the lower steps away but manages to, as Vinny watches on bemused. Deep breath, Biff summons on his (super?) strength and prepares to throw the steps into the ring... and freezes.

COLE
Uh-oh... I think Biff may have thrown his back out!

With Biff doubled up in pain, Vinny despairs before getting spun around by Cortez. Vinny throws a wild, instinctive right hand which Cortez ducks, jarring Valentine with the Crotch Droppah! Cortez then reels Vinny in and connects with the RIOT ACT PLUS~!~!~!#1#!~#!~, dead centre of the ring!!

COLE
Riot Act Plus, no Biff to save, this one is over!


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3!!!


*DINGDINGDING!*


BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match and STILL OAOAST United States Champion... TTOOOOOOOOOODD... CCOOOORRRRRTTEEEEZZZZ!!!

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

Vinny rolls out of the ring and he and Biff are left to help each other towards the back, one favouring his back and one favouring his neck. The US Champion remains in the ring and climbs the turnbuckles to salute the Japanese fans again.

COLE
And an impressive, successful title defence for the US Champ here in Tokyo!

Cortez steps off the turnbuckles and begins to turn away, when suddenly a figure hops the barricade! Sliding into the ring, the unnamed attacker then nails an unsuspecting Cortez from behind with a clothesline!!

COLE
Wait a minute, what the hell is this!?

COACH
Is that... that guy, we've been seeing these past few weeks? Tommy G?

COLE
It is! That's exactly who it is! But what is he doing here in Japan!?

As Todd picks himself up, Tommy G climbs onto the middle ring rope and waits for the US Champion to turn his way. 6'6" and 270, he amazes everybody by taking off and hooking Cortez in mid-air with a FLYING TORNADO DDT, planting Cortez right on his head!!

COLE
WOW! What a DDT that was... but WHY!?

Standing over Cortez, the mysterious Tommy G looks around the crowd before down at Cortez with a satisfied smile. Security and referees make their way out, causing Tommy G to casually leave the same way he came, back through the crowd, having sent whatever message he intended to send.

[King Cucaracha 0]

There's a bit of a hold up in the show, being caused by problems backstage. MARV and MEL, The Christ Air Express, stand in their ring gear ready to compete. But there's clearly a problem and they look around, impatiently waiting for someone or something. That someone might not be Josie Baker, who stomps over in a bad mood to sheepish reactions.

JOSIE
Where is he?

MARV
Dude, I dunno man. He said he'd be here.

MEL
Ya know, he might have gotten lost or something. Or his train might be late. I dunno.

JOSIE
This is [i]Japan[/i], the trains are never late! Unless he shows up in the next five minutes, you can kiss goodbye to your title shot. I'm sorry but the last thing I need is unreliability.

Laughter can be heard off screen. MARV and MEL's frustration turns to anger the moment they look over. Looking like the cats that got the cream, THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS stroll into shot, with Abdullah Abir Nerdly perhaps smiling the widest of the bunch.

ABDULLAH
Is there a problem here Ms. Baker? Oh, dear, what's the matter... missing someone perhaps? What a shame. Now, perhaps we can come to some sort of arrangement.

Before that arrangement can be spelled out, a tense Logan shoves in front of Abdullah pointing the finger at the CAE.

LOGAN
Face it, your boy cut and run.

ABDULLAH
Logan, please...

LOGAN
He finally figured out he was a loser, so here's hoping you two take the hint and go join him in obscurity real soon. We'll be happy to give you a kick in the right direction!

MARV
Oh yeah?

MARV and MEL have heard enough and jump Logan, leading to an all out slugfest between the two teams! Abdullah tries to get his guys to break it up but they're not listening.

JOSIE
SECURITY! Get them out of here! Get them out of here, now! All of them!

A ranks of OAOAST security pull The CAE and The Heavenly Rockers apart and try to pull them towards the exits. Abdullah runs behind trying to convince the security to use non-violent forms of control, as Josie watches on, arms folded.

COLE
Well I'm not sure what that means for our Six Man Tag Team Title match, because it was supposed to be The Christ Air Express and Jamie O'Hara challenging for the belts, I'm getting that confirmed right now in my ear. Apparantly, no sign of O'Hara and The Christ Air Express are now getting thrown out of the arena, along with The Heavenly Rockers!

COACH
That's what happens when you put your faith in a loser.

COLE
If it wasn't for The Heavenly Rockers and this ridiculous smear campaign they've been on, O'Hara would be here, I'm sure of that.

COACH
But instead he's hiding because he's embarrassed, is that what you're saying? Boy, we're really missing out by not having a guy like that around, huh?