CTS: Biff segment

[King Cucaracha 0]

COLE
We're back here in Chicago and, for some reason, there's a dumbell being brought to the ring.

As three trusty backstage workers carry the weight-lifting equipment to the ring, Biff Atlas marches proudly to the ring, not attempting to help the poor saps.

COLE
And not only that, they're bringing some weights out as well.

COACH
Har-har.

As the workers start setting up, Biff climbs into the ring in front of them.

BIFF
Ladies and gentlemen, for generations, people have been celebrated for their feats of strength. In Greek mythology, Atlas was ordered to carry the sky on his shoulders as punishment. Tonight, I, Biff Atlas, will carry on my shoulders these weights, not as punishment, but as proof, that I do infact possess super-powe...

Biff stops and looks around in a panic.

BIFF
...uhm... forget that last part!

COACH
Yeah, don't want to give away your secret Biff. Not like we haven't seen you discuss it on camera already.

COLE
Shh!

BIFF
The point is, I have challenged former world-class powerlifter Ken Pantera to a weight-lifting challenge, which is in no way connected with any sort of super-powers.

COACH
Good save.

COLE
I said [i]shh![/i]

Suddenly, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush hits, cutting Biff off. Shaking his head, out walks Ken Pantera, followed by Felix Strutter who can barely contain himself from laughing.

COLE
Well two weeks ago, we saw Ken Pantera and Felix Strutter put a beating on Team Heyross and Denzel Spencer and make a shocking reunion. But this stems back to three weeks ago, when Biff Atlas in his delusional state decided to challenge Pantera to a power-lifting contest, to I guess show Vinny Valentine he's not lying about his super-powers.

Pantera and Strutter enter the ring, Pantera looking down at the dumbell (the object, not Biff).

BIFF
Okay Ken. Good luck, you... might need it.

Pantera and Strutter look utterly confused, as Biff pulls out a packet of powder and starts dusting his hands ready for the first lift. Snatching the microphone, Strutter interrupts Biff mid-powdering.

STRUTTER
What in the hell are you doing?

BIFF
It's for better grip, get rid of the moisture.

STRUTTER
No, what the hell are you doing, [i]period[/i]? Are you seriously calling out Ken Pantera? For a weight-lifting contest!? You have gotta be the most clueless person in this building. And that's saying something. How about you just cut the crap, head to the back and don't even DARE to speak our names again. Huh?

Surprised at this confrontational talk, Biff looks Felix very seriously in the eye.

BIFF
Please... you don't want to talk to me this way. You don't know what I'm capable of.

STRUTTER
*scoffs*
Man, I had you all wrong. Here I thought you were delusional, when it turns out you're actually PATHETIC.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

STRUTTER
Look at you. You're a joke! You've been a joke your entire life! Well that's fine, I guess you can't help it. But how about you get something through your thick skull. Ken Pantera is no joke! This man is a powerhouse. He's a beast. And for the past few months, he's been stuck hanging around with losers like you and like Vinny Valentine. A disco dancer and a guy who's afraid of his own shadow.

"BIFF!"
"BIFF!"
"BIFF!"
"BIFF!"

COLE
Some of these people taking some exception to this browbeating from Felix Strutter.

STRUTTER
Ken Pantera is worth more than that. And I'm worth more than palling around with a couple of Jamaican dumbasses. You and Valentine dragged Ken Pantera down to your level. Those Jamaicans dragged me down to their level. And sometimes you've just got to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror and admit that you don't like where you're at and say it's time for a change! I'm a former International World Champion! Me and Ken, we were a force! Sooner or later we had to figure out what the problem was. We were dragged down by a couple of Jamaicans and two Americans. We had to go back to stage one, being the best team coming outta the best wrestling country in the world, Canada!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

STRUTTER
And we're not going to be have anchors like you tied around our ankles anymore.

Dropping the microphone, Strutter kicks at the pack of powder in Biff's hands, causing him to be blinded by a puff of white material!

COLE
Hey!

With Biff blinded Pantera attacks, clubbing Biff from behind and pounding him into the mat as Strutter tries to clear the dust away. The crowd jeer, as Pantera muscles Biff up and gets him up into a gorilla press, doing REPS with him before tossing him down to the mat!

COACH
Well I guess we know who wins the power-lifting challenge.

COLE
Come on. I'm no fan of Biff Atlas, but this is uncalled for!

Pantera drags Biff back up and lifts him onto his shoulders, as Strutter climbs the turnbuckles. He looks at the Chicago crowd, before hooking Biff up and bringing him off of Pantera with a HUGE DDT!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Big smile on his face, Strutter stands over Biff and raises Pantera's arm in the air.

COACH
Team Canada, making another statement.

Strutter and Pantera leave to the sound of boos as Biff lays hurt in the ring, his face still white with powder.