HD: MD vs. Biff

[King Cucaracha 0]

I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!
When I come crashing down and its throbbing deep inside
I’ll leave you wetter than a flood tide
I gotta bend you over that’s how I like to ride!
I date a girl who whips my hide
And my 12 inches is my greatest pride
I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!

"Womanizer" by Britney Spears pumps through the arena, as Mister Dick pumps through the entrance. Sneering at the capacity crowd, Mr Dick flicks back his growing blond locks and gives the crowd a good look at his glistening abdominals.

BUFFER
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from San Antonio, Texas... weighing two hundred and thirty eight pounds. He is accompanied to the ring by MALAYSIA and represents THE DEADLY ALLIANCE... "THE HUMAN HARD ON"... MMMIIIIIIIIIIISSSSTTEEEERRRRRR... DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

The Phallic Phenom slides into the ring, guided by a gallon of baby oil. He goes to work on the ring canvas before getting to all fours, at which point Malaysia MOUNTS her man.

COLE
Mister Dick, no doubt about it, one of the best put together athletes in the OAOAST. But despite all that, it was near embarrassment at AngleSlam when he almost lost the Arm Wrestling Challenge to Biff Atlas.

[QUOTE=OAOAST ANGLESLAM 2009]Though he’s not dominating the Human Hard On, Biff is firm control of the contest. The possibility of a loss frightens Mister Dick deep into his heart. It forces him to exert all his might to battle back against Biff’s assault.

COLE
Like I said earlier, Biff used to be a powerlifter and body builder, strength has always ran in his blood.

COACH
Yeah, its just intelligence that is out to lunch.

“BIFF! BIFF! BIFF!” San Juan sings, giving Biff the added momentum he needs to push Mister Dick’s arm even closer to the table. Sweat rips a path across Mister Dick’s face, a product of his continual fretting over a loss. His worries are not unfounded; Biff continues to press his advantage, endangering Mister Dick’s hopes of a victory.

COLE
It could be over soon! And how would Mister Dick show his face to the rest of the Deadly Alliance if he lost this arm wrestling contest?

We may never know the answer to such a question due to a panic filled Mister Dick ripping his hands away from his foe. As the crowd boos, Biff looks at Mister Dick with confusion and a hint of anger. But, Mister Dick couldn’t care less about Biff’s emotions, and he leaps over the table to tackle the would-be super hero.

“BOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The two trade hands on the floor, with Malaysia loving every second of the furious fight. Biff is able to use his (super?) strength to shove Mister Dick away from him. They both rise to their feet, and continue their crazed slug fest. Mister Dick resorts to using knees to attack his opponent. But Biff’s strong midsection reflects the attack, and he comes back at Mister Dick with more power than ever.

COLE
Its broken down here in Puerto Rico!

Biff stands near the ropes ready to pounce upon Mister Dick. But the Cocky Prick moves much faster than his foe, and he strikes Biff in the face with a Stiff Kick. The blow upends Biff, and sends him toppling over the ring ropes. But much to his amazement and the fans’ he lands on his feet! Strangely Biff is tickled with delight and wonder at his soft and safe landing. Such a harmless fall can only be attributed.

BIFF
I….I…I…I CAN FLY!!!!!!!

That mantra is chanted by Biff as he runs up the entrance ramp, eager to share his good news with Vinny.[/QUOTE]

As the video recap ends, Biff Atlas is already halfway down to the ring, with no music to accompany him. The perils of being in gimmick limbo! The sounds of cheers make up somewhat for the music though as Biff marches confidently down the aisle.

BUFFER
And his opponent, from Venice Beach, California... weighing two hundred, twenty two pounds... BBIIIIIIIFFFFFFF... AAAATTLLLLLAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS!!!

COACH
So, lemme get this straight. Homeboy lives in fear, car drives past him, thinks he's got super-powers. Wins a match by accident, thinks he's got super-strength. Can't win an arm-wrestling contest, gets kicked over the top by the face, lands on his feet, thinks he can fly. Who the hell is in charge of employing these people!? Do we not have an IQ test at any point in the process? And if not, can we please start!?

Biff climbs the ring steps and stands on the middle rope outside, looking out at the crowd. His eyes then gaze down at the arena floor. Biff starts to get a little fidgety and his right leg begins to hover, thinking of climbing to the top... but Mister Dick walks over and he quickly gets down. The referee moves Mr Dick back, yelling at Biff.


*DINGDINGDING!*

COLE
So we've had the Arm Wrestling Challenge, now it's one on one.

Waving Biff towards him, Mister Dick jaws away, no loss of confidence. Getting up in Biff's face he gives him a shove. Biff lowers his head and starts shaking. Mister Dick gives him another shove and yells at Biff to "FLY AWAY", not realising that he's making Biff angry. After another shove, Mr. Dick just turns his back and mocks the crowd for cheering such a pathetic loser. But when he turns around, Biff hits the ropes and FLIES!!! with a crossbody block!

COLE
OH MY!


1...



2...



Kickout!

Scrambling to his feet, Mr Dick cuts an amazed Biff off with a boot to the gut and starts clubbing away at the back.

COLE
I can't believe it, he really flew!

COACH
Yeah, THREE FEET off the ground! Someone call Mulder and Scully.

Wild lefts and rights work Biff down to a knee, Mr Dick furious at being shown up and swiping at the air. Picking Biff up, he whips him to the ropes. Biff manages to duck a clothesline and wide-eyed, he FLIES!!! again... and gets caught.

COACH
Man, I think my Grampa could have jumped higher than that.

With disdain, Mr Dick executes a bodyslam on Biff. Flicking his hair gives Mr Dick a little more happiness and he slowly picks Biff back up, to deliver a second bodyslam. "WHO'S GOT THE POWER NOW?" he asks, as he drops down and starts doing push-ups, making kissy-faces at Malaysia.

COACH
Imagine being underneath that. Just imagine. Like being trapped underneath an earthquake simulator.

Mr Dick picks Biff up one more time and goes for a slow, deliberate bodyslam. But Biff slips out the back! Cursing, Mr Dick turns around and eats a right hand! A second! And a third! And with MD dazed, Biff rushes for the turnbuckles. Which confuses everybody, because Biff only makes it to the second rope outside before Mr Dick recovers and yanks him back in over the top. Biff is right back up though, hitting another series of punches. Again he heads for the top rope once The Cocky Prick is dazed. And again, he's dragged back in over the top before he can take flight.

COACH
You'd think if he could fly, he wouldn't need the top rope.

COLE
Well I don't think Biff is high on logic.

COACH
He's high on something. Gotta be.

Getting frustrated with his opponent, Mr Dick aims with a clothesline, but Biff ducks. Biff then dishes out a right hand. And a left. Then another right, before dropping Mr Dick with a clothesline! Getting the crowd behind him, Biff then exits the ring again and heads to the top.

COLE
Biff very drawn by that top rope tonight.

This time Biff makes it to the top and the crowd cheer just that, a true mark of what amounts to a success in Biff's career. Once he's on the top though, it takes Biff a second to get his balance. And before he can prove his powers of flight, Mr Dick shoves the referee out of his way and runs at Biff, using his Stiff Kick to knock Biff's foot out and CROTCH him on the top rope!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Mr Dick gets a warning from the referee about putting his hands on him, which he of course ignores. Hooking Biff up, he lifts him off the turnbuckles, carrying him to mid-ring with a delayed vertical suplex. Floats over into a cover...


1...



2...



Kickout!

Mr Dick gets into it with the referee again and backs him into a corner, threatening all kinds of unsavoury acts. That allows Biff to fight back to his feet, the fans still shockingly behind him as he powers up.

COLE
Mister Dick is taking his eye off the ball here.

After fully cussing out the referee, Mister Dick turns around to find Biff up and waiting, taking MD up onto his shoulders! Mister Dick manages to slip down the back though and club Biff in the back. Biff falls against the ropes and is lined up by Mister Dick, charging in with another Stiff Kick... but Biff ducks and MISTER DICK GETS CROTCHED ON THE TOP ROPE!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE
And that evens things up quite nicely!

COACH
No it doesn't. Mister Dick has FAR more surface area to be injured in that situation!

Falling off the ropes to the outside, Mr Dick hunches over in pain. Biff sees his opportunity and yet again, starts to climb the ropes. But after about halfway, he climbs back down and leaves the ring.

COACH
I guess he saw sense, finally.

Biff walks up behind Mr Dick, grabbing him by the hair and throwing him into the announce table. The Cocky Prick is then dumped onto the table by Biff, who rolls back inside and now decides to head to the top!

COLE
Wait... wait a minute. What the HELL is Biff doing!?

COACH
I dunno but he's gonna kill himself if he tries!

COLE
Come on Biff, don't do this!

The referee tries to talk Biff out of what is at least a ten foot leap, from about as high up. Biff makes the mistake of turning to the crowd for advice though and of course they cheer, giving Biff the impression they believe in him, when really they just wanna see something cool like somebody's body exploding like a watermelon.

COLE
If Biff tries this, he has offically lost his mind!

COACH
I'm calling late slip on that.

Biff reaches the top rope and looks out at Mr Dick... way out at Mr Dick. After some second thoughts, he then stands and prepares to fly! Malaysia finally realises Biff isn't playing around and runs over into Biff's path, trying to protect her man. But Biff doesn't care and getting his footing, he sets... and LEAPS...




...AND FALLS ABOUT SIX FEET SHORT, ONLY SAVED FROM CERTAIN DOOM BY LANDING ON MALAYSIA!!!!

"......BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Oh... well... we knew it was ill-advised.

COACH
Damn. I mean... I knew he was gonna miss, but... I didn't think he'd miss that bad.

Picking himself up, Biff looks around wondering what happened to his powers of flight to have... not flown. And in his distracted state, he gets blindsighted by Mister Dick, who wipes him out with a clothesline from behind. Looking up into the ring, Mr Dick sees the referee counting and quickly dives in, managing to beat the count just before 9. Biff isn't so lucky and the ref calls for the bell.


*DINGDINGDING!*

BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match as a result of a count-out... MISTER DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKK!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The Human Hard On sticks around just long enough to have his hand raised in victory, before snatching it away and going to check on Malaysia. She insists she's okay and actually seems to be enjoying what pain she might be in. But it's enough for Mister Dick to go back over and put the boots to Biff some more.

COLE
And now, Mister Dick's may have the win, but he doesn't seem to be done with Biff just yet.

Clubbing away at Biff, Mister Dick drags him up off the ringside mats. He gives him a couple more right hands, before aiming him towards the barricades. A camera man quickly gets out of harm's way, as Biff is whipped right towards him...



...BUT BIFF MANAGES TO 'JUMP' OVER THE RAIL AND LAND SAFELY ON THE OTHER SIDE!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
Hey! Biff saved himself!

Mister Dick's eyes bug out and so do Biff's, his flying powers apparantly restored! The Human Hard On rushes after Biff and goes to grab him, but Biff high-tails it and runs through the crowd, proclaiming his superpowers, leaving Mister Dick freaking out at ringside!!

COLE
Biff Atlas with another miracle escape! I don't know if I'd go so far as to claim he has superpowers, but one thing's for sure, his luck has done a complete 180!

COACH
That's the keyword alright, luck! He's lucky he didn't land right on his dome trying to put Mister Dick through our table and he's lucky he can still walk because he's running away!