HD: An 8-man tag

[King Cucaracha 0]

"Thriller" by Fallout Boy hits. Red and blue lights splash across the stage as Baron Windels marches out and points to either side of himself, as MARV and MEL rush out, The Christ Air Express, hitting their leaping double high-five. The CAE's orange and blue ascending pyro rockets combine with Baron's orange descending one (thankfully aimed away from the guys on the stage) and all is right with the world. Melody Nerdly jogs out to join her team, followed out by a waving Tim Cash

BUFFER
The following eight man tag team contest is set for one fall! Introducing first. At a total combined weight of eight hundred and fifty five pounds. They are accompanied to the ring by MELODY NERDLY. First, the team of TIM CASH and BARON WINDELS, they are CITIZEN SOLDIERS... and their partners, MARV and MEL, THE CHRIST AAAIIIIIIRRR... EEEXXXPPRRREEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

The CAE hit the ring first and climb the turnbuckles to play to the crowd. Baron and Cash make a calmer walk to the ring, the kind Tim holding the ropes open for Melody.

COLE
What a fine selection of OAOAST talent!

COACH
Aka, buncha whitebread nice guys you like.

As the foursome exchange high-fives and, in the case of Cash, handshakes, boos begin to filter through the crowd. Not for the whitebread good guys, but for the equally white LANDON MADDIX, appearing on the stage with a microphone and his SWF OAOAST 6-Man ICTV title belt over his shoulder.

MADDIX
Guys. Good to see you out here. Now, I know a couple of weeks ago, you won your match with the Queen's team and I made it pretty clear on commentary that I was looking for some 8-man tag challengers out of that match. And I know that weeks before that, I stated to the world that Cucaracha Internacional would take on any challenge, from any eight man team, to prove that we are infact the best unit in the entire OAOAST. But, here's the thing. I went to go back and watch over your match, because even though you won, I remember thinking during the match, you weren't so much a four man team, as two two man teams together. And that's the kind of thing I notice as leader of the 8-Man Tag Team Champions. It bugged me. Thing is, my lousy DVR didn't record the show that week. Thank you, Best Buy. And when I went to watch the tape afterwards, the guys in the production truck said they didn't have any copies of it for some reason.

COLE
Gee, I wonder who to blame for that. Maybe the woman who's been going around burning any tape of her men losing!

COACH
That Best Of All The Queen's Men DVD is gonna be a bitch to compile.

MADDIX
With no footage to review, all I've got to go off is my memory and as I said, I don't remember being overly impressed. Infact, if anything, I was more impressed by your opponents... the Queen guys. So, tonight, I've set up a little match for you. A chance to impress me. If you guys can win in under five minutes, we'll give you a title shot at Zero Hour. But if not, then I guess I'll have to give it to the Queen and her guys. Best of luck.

Baron, Cash and The CAE talk this revelation over, looking confused.

MADDIX
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for their opponents, three thirds of the OAOAST 8-Man Tag Team Champions, three parts of the strongest unit in the OAOAST, reigning champions since way back in November of 2008...

The grand introduction is interrupted, though, as out onto the stage appears Megan Skye... and Megan Skye alone.

MADDIX
...accompanied by Megan Skye, I guess, ladies and gentlemen, JA...

Megan makes a cutting throat gesture.

MADDIX
Megan, honey, I'm kinda busy here. I'll be with you in a second. AS I WAS SAYING, JAMES BLO...

Megan makes the gesture again. Rolling his eyes, Landon turns around and realising he's in public, speaks through gritted teeth. Sadly, still loud enough for the microphone he neglects to discard to pick up.

MADDIX
What? What was it?

MEGAN
There's a problem.

MADDIX
(looking around nervously)
Uhm... where are the guys?

MEGAN
They're not coming.

MADDIX
What do you mean they're not coming!? You went to Australia with them and you got back okay. Oh. I see. Don't tell me, they were eaten by kangaroos! Great prank! Ha ha ha! You're a laugh a minute. Seriously though where are they?

MEGAN
Well, [i]somebody[/i] forgot to sort out their paperwork, so now, they can't get into the country.

MADDIX
What!? No no, that can't be right. I told you a couple of weeks ago we needed to get the visas sorted and you told me you were going to fax them over and I...

Landon slowly trails, his eyes widening.

MEGAN
Didn't check your [i]e-mails[/i], I [i]know[/i].

MELODY
Yeah, it's 2009 grampa, who even uses a 'fax machine' nowadays? Phff! What did ya do, write the paperwork on a 'typewriter'. Do you, like, work out of a museum?!

Processing all this news, Landon realises he's in the wrong, but does a good job of being annoyed with Megan anyway.

COLE
Cucaracha Internacional were over in Australia doing promotional work, ready for our show next week in Sydney and it looks like our foreign friends had some problems at the immigration desk!

MADDIX
Alright, fine. I'll be in the match! I'm no illegal alien! South Dakota, born and bred baby. Yee-ha! No visa problems here!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MADDIX
Don't boo me, I'm an American! Darn tootin'... and so forth. (turns to Megan) Find me three partners. Quick.

MEGAN
Way ahead of you. What a surprise.

As she mutters that line under her breath, Megan hands Landon a piece of paper.

MADDIX
Okay, well, my point still stands. You guys still have to win in under five minutes or I'm going to have to give the lovely Queen's group the first shot. Don't think you're getting off easy. And aside from me, you're going to be facing my three tag team partners...

Landon gives the big build-up, made bigger when he stops and just stares at the paper, squinting as if confused by the words he's reading.

MADDIX
My... partners? ... Wesley Price... [i]Chuck McChesney[/i]... and [b][i]"Burly" Billy Fergus[/i][/b]!? Who are these people!?

These people would be jobbers. And those jobbers walk out, filling Landon with even more despair as he's confronted by two skinny, pasty white bodies and the kinda pudgy, hairy body of Pinkerton. Landon looks over at Megan, who shrugs her shoulders and says "it's the best I could do", before WALKING OFF. Yes, she actually walks off and saddles Landon with the three geeks as he stands with arms open, wondering what the hell is going on.

COLE
This is FAR from the strongest unit in the OAOAST. In terms of strong units, this may be the IKEA of professional wrestling teams!

COACH
I swear that guy in the blue was one of the guys putting up the ring earlier. SWEAR IT.

Landon looks completely helpless and after realising there's no way out, he looks at his 'partners', who are all grouped in front of him as if waiting for instructions on what the hell to do. Landon angrily tells them to "get to the ring" and eventually follows.

COLE
Well this will be a test of Landon's leadership skills, for certain.

The three no-names with stupid names climb onto the apron, with Landon on the stops. He points at one of them and tells them to get in the ring, hands annoyed on his hips. And that one starts off with Tim Cash, for the amused team on the other side.


*DINGDINGDING*

Cash offers a handshake to the first rookie, Wesley Price. Which he accepts, causing Landon to angrily turn his back on the match.

COLE
At least wait until he gets beat before you flip out.

They circle and lock-up. Cash quickly goes behind on Wesley and takes him down in a waistlock. Cash floats over and applies a front facelock, before barrel rolling Wesley over and forcing his shoulders down...


1...



2...



Landon comes in and breaks the count.

COLE
Landon, clearly with no faith in his partner.

COACH
Can you blame him?

Cash seems as annoyed as Tim Cash can get and sportingly lets his opponent get back up. Another handshake is offered and Price goes to accept, as shouts of "KICK HIM!" echo from his corner... and the impressionable rookie does it, earning him a chorus of boos!

COACH
Now come on, how can you not say Landon's a great leader? It took him 20 seconds to get this kid clued in. 20 seconds!

Even Price looks surprised at what he just did and takes a moment to follow up. He hits Cash with a couple of forearms, before hitting the ropes. Cash ducks a clothesline though and fires off a Backbrain Wheelkick, felling young Wesley! Rolling to his feet, Cash makes the tag to Baron Windels. The big Texan helps Price up, then nails him with a Cowboy Bebop elbow! Baron then wrings the arm. Which is too much for Landon, running into the ring and breaking up the 'submission', then dragging Wesley over to the corner with him, so Chuck McChesney can tag in.

COLE
Let's see if this young man fares any better against The Lonestar Gunslinger.

After a peptalk from Landon, McChesney is fired up. So fired up that he lets out a semi-convincing warcry and charges across the ring. Unfortunately, he charges right into Baron Windels' boot to the face and is turned inside out.

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Landon holds his head in his hands.

COACH
This is completely unfair! Landon wasn't expecting this when he made this match, he had different opponents, people who could last five minutes... this shouldn't be happening!

COLE
If Landon and Cucaracha Internacional are so open to any challenge, what does it matter? Why does he not want to be facing Baron, Cash, MARV and MEL instead of All The Queen's Men?

COACH
...that's not the point!

Tag is made to MARV. He instantly tags to MEL, allowing five seconds to whip McChesney to the ropes. A double back elbow knocks him down. MARV then picks MEL up for a back suplex and jumps forward, causing all four legs to come down on McChesney with a modified double legdrop!! The Christ Air Express quickly roll back to their feet, catching Landon running towards them and causing him to take a u-turn back out of the ring.

MADDIX
...damnit, don't stand there staring at me, get in there!

"Burly" Billy does as he's told and runs into the ring.

Actually, 'run' probably isn't the word for it. He uses his momentum to move forward at a certain pace. MARV and MEL have plenty of time to catch onto the chubby jobber's arm and twist them with double arm wringers. Sandwiching his head with double elbow strikes, they twist away and connect with an enziguri/gamengiri combo, sandwiching him again! With Fergus dazed, they guide him off towards Baron, who comes off the top with the Flying Lariat!!

COLE
IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!!!!

Back up, McChesney and Price find themselves faced off with MARV and MEL respectively. They turn and go to hit the ropes, but run straight into each other, in a cartoonish manner.

COACH
...do you really think this is the best Megan could have found?

COLE
I think it's the best she [i]cared[/i] to find.

Landon watches on, resigned. Melody's team stand around watching McChesney and Price trying to help each other to their feet, waiting for her signal...


MELODY
(deep voice)
FINISH HIM.


MARV and MEL take McChesney and take him to the PEARLY GATES with a Flatliner/Enziguri!! Next to them, Baron dishes out the BRIGHAM YOUNG COCKTAIL, while Cash thinks about putting on the Midwest Sling to Fergus, but decides he's suffered enough.


1...



2...



3!!!!

*DINGDINGDING!*

COLE
And it looks like we've got ourselves number one contenders for Zero Hour.

COACH
Shenanigans!

With hands on hips, Landon purses his lips, UNIMPRESSED with this turn of events.

BUFFER
Your winners of the match, the team of BARON WINDELS, TIM CASH and THE CHRIST AIIIIIRRR EXPRESS!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

Baron leans over the ropes and opens up his arms, wondering if Landon is suitably impressed. Hands still on hips Landon just sadly turns and walks away, shaking his head.

COLE
Do you ever get the feeling Landon gets what he deserves sometimes?

COACH
How do you figure that?

COLE
Well, if he'd not told Megan he was going to do something and then not done it, maybe he might have provided a tougher five minutes, to stop Baron, Cash and The Christ Air Express from getting their title shot for whatever reason.

COACH
He doesn't want to stop them. He just wants to be sure they're a worthy enough team, that's all.

COLE
No favouritism shown at all to the Queen, of course, I see. Well either way, the strongest unit in the OAOAST will be tested at Zero Hour, work visas pending I suppose. Maybe Landon ought to mislay that paperwork a little longer.