King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted October 16, 2009 COLE Earlier this week, budding film student followed a... well, an 'interesting' subject, Biff Atlas. Let's take a look. [size=3][color="purple"][i][b]BIFF ATLAS: THE HERO WITHIN?[/b][/i][/color][/size] [i]A maybe or maybe not heroic story By Molly Nerdly[/i] [QUOTE=OAOAST ZERO HOUR, SCAFFOLD MATCH]Unaware to both Mister Dick and Biff is Malaysia wielding her trusty whip, climbing up the ladder. COLE Somebody has to get her down from there! She doesn'’t belong! Biff quickly becomes aware of her presence, but only because her whip takes a bite out of his backside. Coupled with Mister Dick kicking at his face and he’s in a miserable predicament. LASH! LASH! LASH! COLE Someone stop her! LASH! LASH! LASH! The whips cut through Biff’'s back, and weaken him severely. Joined with Mister Dick’s kicks this attack wreaks havoc on Biff’s grip. COACH Its gonna end soon! Finally Biff Atlas tumbles past Malaysia, beginning his unfortunate journey to the ring. But Biff spreads his "“wings"” and lets his graceful power of flight take over… SPLAAAAAAAAAAT! "“OHHHHHHHHHHHH!”" Apparently Biff’'s power of flight might have run into a bit of problem with a little thing called gravity. Biff lies face down on the canvas, motionless, breathless, and perhaps in a world of pain. BUFFFER Your winner….....MISTER DICK! The crowd lets their negative opinion be heard as Malaysia fondles the lower regions of the celebrating Mister Dick’s body. A referee slides into the ring to check on Biff'’s possibly injured condition. What he finds is Biff smiling in the face of defeat. "“I…I…I.....SURVIVED THE FALL! That fall should’ve killed me! But I’m alive! Do you know what this means? Can you imagine the possibilities? Invulnerability? Regeneration? I must tell Vinny!”" With those comments made, Biff makes a mad dash to the back to share his good news with Vinny.[/QUOTE] Watching this footage back on a TV monitor, Biff Atlas sits in deep thought. Molly's hand reaches and turns off the monitor and Biff snaps back to life. MOLLY (off-screen) So, watching that back... what do you feel? BIFF I feel... empowered. I mean, I didn't believe it at first myself. But the signs are all there. There have been just too many coincidences. Before, I was weak. Afraid. Cursed by luck. When I think back to those times, all those injuries I suffered in the ring. My foot seemed magnetically attracted to every crack and raised edge in the pavement. Papercuts would leave me bed-ridden for days on end. And now... I mean, the car, the fall from the ring, the scaffold... what other explanation can there be? I must have been blessed. MOLLY (off-screen) So, you believe that you have these powers, but you don't actually know what they are? BIFF Not yet. But when I finally do find out, then and only then can I really come to terms with the fate that has befallen me and try to discover my true purpose in life! MOLLY (off-screen) *clears throat* ...uhm, right, okay. Anyway. You want me to catch this on film, so you can be sure. What exactly have you got in mind? [COLOR=purple][b][size=3]~~~TEST 1: SHAPESHIFTING~~~[/size][/b][/COLOR] Stood outside of a women's bathroom, Biff Atlas holds an 8 by 10 picture of Mister Dick in his hand. A signed picture. So he's already $20 down. BIFF Okay, my theory is, that instead of it being speed or power that saved me, perhaps I merely morphed into something that could survive those situations. So I'm going to try it. I saw Malaysia go into here. If I look at this picture hard enough and concentrate hard enough, like I must have been concentrating during that fall off the scaffold, I can morph into Mister Dick and surprise her. Biff locks eyes with the pictures and starts to concentrate. Hard. MOLLY (off-screen) Wait... what do you mean "I must have been concentrating"? Surely if you [i]were[/i] concentrating, you'd know? Biff, now shaking, suddenly drops the picture. He turns to Molly and slicks back his hair. BIFF (southern drawl) Cram it already! Or else, I'll cram it for ya, with my giant hunk of man meat, ya hear? Dumb broad! Grabbing his not-quite so impressive man meat, Biff struts into the women's bathroom. For a moment, there's silence. Before, suddenly, a loud tinny thud. And then screams. *LASH* [i]"AAAHHHH!"[/i] *LASH* [i]"AAAHHHH!"[/i] *LASH* [i]"AAAHHHH! That's the good stuff baby, give it to The Dickman!"[/i] *LASH* [i]"AAAHHHH!"[/i] ... *FLUSH* MOLLY (off-screen) Oh dear. [COLOR=purple][b][size=3]~~~TEST 2: REGENERATION~~~[/size][/b][/COLOR] With his hair looking suspiciously wet and ruffled all of a sudden, Biff perseveres on. Now, in the parking lot BIFF Okay. It occurs to me now that I can still feel pain. MOLLY (off-screen) Mmm-hmm. BIFF And yet, I seem to suffer no long-lasting damage. Infact, I'll bet that if I slam my fist through this car window, I won't even leave a scar. Opening the driver door, Biff takes aim. MOLLY (off-screen) Are you sure about this? BIFF Trust me. MOLLY (off-screen) WAIT... Biff stops just short of punching the window, as Molly pulls up his shirt, revealing marks from where he'd been whipped. MOLLY (off-screen) You've already got scars! BIFF Where? Let me see! Biff arches his head around, trying to look over his shoulder at his own back. Sadly, he forgets about the car door. A passer-by accidently nudges it and it slams shut, trapping his arm with a thud. BIFF :O MOLLY (off-screen) Oh my goodness, are you okay! BIFF ...AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH... [COLOR=purple][b][size=3]~~~TEST 3: RESISTANCE TO ELECTRICITY~~~[/size][/b][/COLOR] As Morgan Nerdly stands patiently in line for coffee, Biff Atlas walks up behind her, tapping her on the shoulder with his heavily bandaged arm. BIFF Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that you are very undersized and not at all attractive. So, saying that, I thi... [b][color="#808080"]*ZZZAAAAAAAAPPP*[/COLOR][/b] BIFF ......BBLAAAARRGHGHAAHAGAHAGRRRHGHGHAAA!!!!! Zapped, Biff lays on the floor quivering. MOLLY (off-screen) What does that even have to do with falling off a scaffold and surviving? BIFF (in immense pain) I... don't... know. [COLOR=purple][b][size=3]~~~TEST 4: MAGNETISM MANIPULATION~~~[/size][/b][/COLOR] Movely very gingerly, Biff sits, flipping a coin. MOLLY (off-screen) So, I take it you've given up finally? Not a moment too soon. BIFF Given up!? Are you crazy!? Call. MOLLY (off-screen) Oh, uhm... BIFF Tails! Biff lets the coin hit the ground and it indeed comes up tails. BIFF That's the answer! I can control magnetic fields. Think about it. The car was metal. The scaffold was metal. MOLLY (off-screen) What about the car door thou... BIFF Tails! ...YES! As Biff goes to pick up the coin, he feels a twinge from the punishment he's taken. Molly picks it up for him, but then happens to inspect the coin. MOLLY (off-screen) Biff, this is a two-sided coin. The reason you keep guessing right is because both sides are tails and that's what you keep calling. BIFF Did I do that? MOLLY (off-screen) No! Suddenly, Officer Bosley walks up. BOSLEY HEY! Gimme back my coin punk! I need this to get girlies outta their clothes! Dumb bitches always call heads. BIFF Tell you what, I'll flip you for it. BOSLEY Okay, you call. Biff's eyes light up. BIFF Haha! TAILS! Bosley flips the coin... right into Biff's eye. BIFF .....AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! I'M BLIND!! Picking up his coin, Bosley strolls off, leaving a blinded Biff behind. [COLOR=purple][b][size=3]~~~TEST 5: TELEKA...OH WHAT'S THE POINT?~~~[/size][/b][/COLOR] Sulking, Biff sits and takes a sip of water, before adjusting his eyepatch. MOLLY (off-screen) And so, no closer to discovering his true superpower, or whether he even has any at all... or even if he is at the level of a normal human being, let alone a gifted one... Biff Atlas must continue to struggle with the dreams of grandeur and a lack of understanding for the concept of pure, dumb luck. This is Molly Nerdly, reporting. BIFF Is the number you're thinking of... fourty two? MOLLY (off-screen) No Biff. No. BIFF Damn. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
