How big an asshole are you?

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

whoever has that arquette picture...youre an asshole...

 

lol...and..well..mission succeeded gentleman...little bastards got an early wakeup call

 

funny...its only for teeny bopper jesus freaks that i go the extra mile to be an asshole towards...they just bring out the worst in me

 

i think it was them telling me last saturday that since im catholic and not christian im going to hell

 

guess ill play chess with the pope then eh?

 

and yeah, ill agree with the prankster loosecannon says i am...

 

now, what to do tomorrow with all these fireworks

 

 

goodnite gentleman

[Guest Incandenza]

I'd say that's around 7 or 8 depending on how expensive the handbag was, but I'm more interested in how she never found out about crap in her handbag... or do you just mean she never found out you did it? If she thought it was somebody else and got mad at them for it and you never told the truth than I'd lean more towards the 8.

 

Couldn't tell ya on the quality of the purse, as I don't remember. And of course she discovered the turd, but I never heard from her about it, so I assume she did not link it to me. As far as I know, she didn't even know I was at that party. If she did, she never said anything to me.

 

 

 

My friend and I were walking by, and when I saw this, I just burst out laughing. Another homeless guy who was standing by said, "oh you think that’s funny huh?" And so I shrugged and said, "If I roll this quarter into the middle of the street, can I watch you scurry after it?" (An idea I borrowed from Nathaneal West’s The Day of the Locust.) He told me to fuck off and threatened to kick my ass. I laughed and walked away.

 

You're a dick.

[Guest RetroRob215]

I vary. If you piss me off I'll be a 10. If I don't have a problem with you I'll be a 1. Overall though, I guess I would give myself a 5-6. Anyone agree/disagree?

[Guest caboose]

I'm more of an AssHole in RealLife than on this board.

On the scale i'm about a 6.

My best AssHole story is probably delibrately deleting someones coursework from their computer cos they dissed my new haircut.

I admit the haircut was bad though.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

I'm a nine, on the board and not

[Guest Big McLargeHuge]

1 or 2 on the board. 7 or 8 offline.

[Guest Ravenbomb]

4, I think the only thing that's ass-hole-ish about me is that I'm sarcastic a lot (does that count?)

[Guest HBK16]

I'm probably like a 2 or 3. I am not a big asshole at all. Im pretty mellow.

[Guest Fook_Hing_Ho]

On the board, I'm not an asshole at all. But in real life, that's another story altogether.

 

Basically my assholiness comes from making blunt, mean spirited comments to shoot down innocent victims.

 

Eg. Girl: Do these jeans make me look fat?

Me: The jeans have nothing to do with it.

 

 

Suffice it to say, I get hit a lot. But I also get the admiration of drunken yahoos who would never have the balls to mouth off to anyone.

 

 

More examples

 

 

My friend and I got pulled over by the highway patrol, so we decided to have some fun with the pig. When he came to the car, my friend rolled down the window and said

"I bet you're here to offer us tickets to the highway patrolmen's ball."

I saw my opening and took it: "Idiot! You're thinking of the policemen's ball! Everyone knows highway patrolmen don't HAVE balls!" Luckily, the cop was able to take a joke.

 

 

About 5 years ago, went to Canada's Wonderland (amusement park for those who've never gone) and as my friend and I got off a roller coaster, we saw a few security guards huddled around a guy who had just started having a seizure. The toy cops were telling people to just move along, nothing to see here. Once again, my assholiness came into play:

::carnival huckster's voice:: "Come one come all and see the amazing shaking freak! No need to crowd, there's plenty of shits and giggles for everyone to enjoy!!!" Needless to say we were "kindly escorted" out of teh park.

 

So, on a scale of 1 to 10, what is my assholiness factor?

[Guest bps "The Truth" 21]

I'd say you are a 10.

 

But take it with a grain of salt...I'm an asshole...

[Guest Sandman9000]

Depends on the situation.

 

Normally, a 3 or 4.

 

But if I am dealing with an overly religious person, especially a white catholic, it skyrockets to 10.

 

But the look on their faces when you roll your eyes back, do the crucifix pose, look up, and start speaking in tounges is pricesless.

 

Well, once you reset your eyes and look at them.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

After reading all these posts here... LooseCannon, what the HELL is wrong with you?! I mean, nothing else even comes close... you mess with your friends, you mess with people who are not only hurt but already lesser off... I just don't understand how anyone could derive pleasure from doing such mean things.

 

I guess that's why I'm a 2, eh?

[Guest Nezbyte]

Fuck, Loosecannon, that was some of the funniest shit ive read ... EVER.

[Guest LooseCannon]

After reading all these posts here... LooseCannon, what the HELL is wrong with you?! I mean, nothing else even comes close... you mess with your friends, you mess with people who are not only hurt but already lesser off... I just don't understand how anyone could derive pleasure from doing such mean things.

 

I guess that's why I'm a 2, eh?

Well, to answer your question, most people view other people as fellow human beings deserving of dignity and respect. I don't. But please try to understand such behavior has come to be expected of me. I constantly feel this pressure to "top" myself, and it's very hard. You don't no how tiring this can be. So please, a little less of the judgemental remarks, and some more pity and compassion would be appreciated.

And to your other question. I have no idea why you are a 2. It sounds like an arbitrary guess to me.

 

And Fook Hing Ho, I would shake your hand if I could. That Canadian theme park story is genius. And fucking with the highway patrol? Man, I don't even have the balls for that. I'm assuming you didn't get out of the ticket or whatever?

[Guest Fook_Hing_Ho]

And Fook Hing Ho, I would shake your hand if I could. That Canadian theme park story is genius. And fucking with the highway patrol? Man, I don't even have the balls for that. I'm assuming you didn't get out of the ticket or whatever?

Luckily the cop had a sense of humour, or else I know I would have been in really deep shit.

 

As for shaking your hand, it would be an honour for me to shake the hand of the biggest asshole on this board today!

 

BTW, that homeless story really made me crack up. I'm gonna do that next time a bum yells at me.

[Guest AlwaysPissedOff]

Eh, the worst thing I've ever really did was piss on some Jehovah's Witnesses who woke me up at like 7 AM after a long night of drinking.

 

Personally, I'm hardly ever an asshole on here or in real life except when some really tries my patience like this jerkoff at a party 2 years ago. Needless to say, I almost got jailtime because the bastard's parents thought I instigated the entire thing and decided to file some bullshit charges.

[Guest LooseCannon]

So you got out of it? That is awesome. One time I was pulled over for speeding and the officer asked me why I wasn't wearing a seat belt, and I told her that I just took it off. So she says "what kind of an idiot do you think I am?" The perfect set-up. My instincts were telling me to tell her what kind of an idiot I thought she was. But it all happened so fast, and I chickened out. That's a shame that I'm going to have to live with however. The worse part is that I ended up getting a ticket for speeding and one for not having my seat belt on. I should have just let it rip. But that's what happens when you don't act like an asshole I guess. I've learned my lesson.

 

And the honor would be likewise.

[Guest LooseCannon]

Depends on the situation.

 

Normally, a 3 or 4.

 

But if I am dealing with an overly religious person, especially a white catholic, it skyrockets to 10.

 

But the look on their faces when you roll your eyes back, do the crucifix pose, look up, and start speaking in tounges is pricesless.

 

Well, once you reset your eyes and look at them.

I'm not going to say I've never ridiculed my fair share of bible thumpers, because I have. But my problem with this sort of thing is that somewhere in the sick, twisted minds of these lion-fodder whackos, they take perverse pleasure in being mocked for their beliefs. I mean, these are the sort of crazies that would love to actually die for their super-natural puppetmaster. It takes some of the joy out of offending them.

 

Also, having been raised Catholic, and despite being an atheist for the past six years, I find the singling out of Catholics to be somewhat offensive. Though I'll give you credit for the creativity of the scenario you described. I'm not sure I could do it without laughing and ruining it.

[Guest SupaTaft]

I hunt those who purposely choose to be homeless, such as hoboes, bums, and tramps. Those who purposely shun the stress of everyday life to ride the railways and steal jobs from people who try to make a living in a steady job. Mine is a highly trained and specialized trade, requiring the deepest commitment and a strong stomach. I am cleaning up America from the true scum of the Earth, hoboes.

 

Kinetic... Am I an Asshole? *drumroll begins*

 

SupaTaft

[Guest Syxx]

Man these people are really assholes, be an asshole to rich people, and snobby girls, but innocent homeless people who have enough problems as it is, nah you just dont do that, this is crazy.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

I fall into the category of a "defensive asshole". Normally, I'm just your typical nice guy, but if you wrong me somehow, watch out. I can get downright vicious, as I have the mentality of "hitting someone where it hurts" to make my point.

 

Case in point:

 

Years ago (either middle school or freshman year of high school), a kid who had been a friend suddenly thought he'd be cooler by insulting his buddies, and buddying up to a group of losers on the bus. As I'm sitting there talking with people, the kid (whom I grew up with), started making fun of my family. (One important note:He lived with his mother and stepfather, never knew his real dad, and was yet making fun of my family for some reason.) So he's like "Hey, there's your mom, working the corner...there's your dad laying in the gutter" or some such nonsense. So I turn around, stand up on the bus, and say "Yeah, you should talk. At least I know my real father!" I swear the kid nearly burst into tears.

 

Softmore year in high school I started dating this kids sister, who was a freshman. I basically got sick of the relationship after about 2 weeks of constantly finding notes in my locker, just basic girly "worship/clingy" stuff. Plus I started liking this other girl an awful lot. So instead of doing the traditional "I don't like you anymore", I just avoided her. Didn't take her calls, walked right by her in the hall...the best was that she was in a class with my new love interest, and the class was actually taught by my favorite teacher, who was a wrestling fan and gave me copies of the Observer every week. I used to go to his class, visit him, hit on the girl I liked, all while still "technically" going out with the other one. Finally, I got home one day to have her call my house and ask what was up. I told her bluntly that I liked the other girl a lot more. She responded by egging my house. I responded by kicking her brother down the stairs at school and telling him not to fuck with my property again. And when I started going out with the other girl (which was a long, sordid part of my high school career), I took opportunity to rub it in.

 

Speaking of the girl that I fell for, that era brought out some of the worst in me. We broke up during that summer, but I still had it bad for her. We returned to school in the fall, and all chances of winning her back were halted when she started going out with a freshman. A stupid, immature, dickhead freshman. One night, the girls sister, whom I was friends with, asked if I wanted to go to the football game, as her boyfriend was on the team. I agreed, hoping she'd bring her sister along, and she did...with the new boyfriend. This kid immediately made me want to kill him by aggressively putting his arm around my ex in the car, and making fun of her sister...calling her "a dumb cunt" for the way she drove. I honestly was ready to lunge over the seat and kill him, but the puppy dog eyes from my ex prevented that.

 

So we get to the game, and I make sure to tell my ex's sister's boyfriend (got it? lol) that the new boyfriend was making fun of her in the car. Meanwhile, my ex was sitting alone, as the little needledick was off flirting with girls from his class. He was on crutches for a broken ankle or some crap, so he was looking for sympathy. He was also looking for a beating. I went to use the phone in front of the school, and there he was with one of his buddies. He calls out to me "Hey, I know you still have it for my girlfriend, but get over it, because she's mine now!" I'm thinking "I'm one of the most popular kids in this school, and some little dick freshmen is getting in MY face?" I walk over to crippled boy, kick the crutches out from under him so that he falls on his ass, and cut a promo on him, saying he's no good for my ex and that his days in the school were numbered. My friend (the sisters boyfriend) comes out of the locker room, tells me to calm down...then HE goes off on the kid, saying that his ass is going to get beat by either me or him. The kid was so scared of the both of us that he refused to ride home with his g/f...so I did. And we almost got back together that night...almost.

 

That's just a few of my stories. I'm genuinely a nice guy, but if you set me off, watch out. I'm not sure what this would rate on the asshole scale (especially since I've revealed that I don't do these things often enough), but I'd love to find out.

[Guest Fook_Hing_Ho]

I'd give Zack a 7 or 8 on the asshole scale, basically because even I've never kicked the crutches out from under a kid...

 

BTW, does the fact that I found his asshole stories more funny than mean signify that I'm an even bigger asshole than he is?

[Guest chirs3]

I can only think of one or two occasions, and I'm not sure if either means I'm an asshole.

 

1) I punched a girl. Keep in mind I was about eight, and this girl (along with three guys) were doing everything in their power to piss me off on the busride home. They managed to get my shoes and my backpack, and were rifling through everything, and the person behind me was pulling my hair, so I finally stood up, whirled around, a popped him right in the eye. But it was a her.

 

I personally don't think that's assholish, because damnit, she deserved it, and I was eight. But almost everyone I know says if you hit a girl for any reason, you're an asshole. You guys judge it.

 

(she got a black eye... and I got my ass kicked)

 

2) This one I'm not sure of because it was an impulse, not planned or anything, stemming from boredom as well as wanting to be mean. I found out my first girlfriend had been cheating on me (several times), and it was a little while after we broke up. I was still bitter, mostly because I ended up as the BUTT of the joke. So I was on AIM when I saw her get on one of her accounts, which I forgot to take off my buddy list. She had used five different AIM accounts regularly at my house, so I had access to all of them, and I knew her email password. So when she got offline I signed on all of her accounts and deleted profiles, buddy lists, everything, then went and cleaned out her mailbox (with 45 or so new mails from her friends).

 

Edit: it's worth noting all her buddy lists had 200+ people.

 

Bah, let's face it. I'm not an asshole.

 

But some of the stories on this thread are golden.

[Guest Incandenza]

Nice to know that defecating in an ex-girlfriend's purse in a fit of drunken jealousy is small potatoes compared to some of the scum that populates this board.

[Guest AM The Kid]

I'm about a 5!

[Guest LooseCannon]

Nice to know that defecating in an ex-girlfriend's purse in a fit of drunken jealousy is small potatoes compared to some of the scum that populates this board.

I’m impressed with this brave, highly principled, and uncompromising stand for all that is RIGHT AND JUST~! (especially using a purse defecation story to do so)

 

Emile Zola would be so proud.

 

But seriously, having gotten some gratuitous sarcasm out of the way, I knew when I posted that I would be met with a certain level of disdain, and I had no intention of defending myself. But as much as it pains me to do so, and as much as I fear losing some asshole cred, I feel that I should for the sake of honesty clear up some things where I may have misrepresented myself. I’m not saying I’m a good person, and I’m not apologizing to anyone here for anything that I’ve done to others, but really, the shit I do is pretty harmless. Just harmless jokes, that I honestly feel pale in comparison to some of the shit others have done that has been legitimately harmful to others,

 

Most seem most upset by the story of the homeless, so I’ll talk about that. I’ve encountered quite a few homeless people before. Through much of high school, I actually volunteered my Saturdays in soup kitchens (I really hope this doesn’t affect the vitriol you may feel toward me. Half of the time I was forced to do it for a public service graduation requirement. But on the other hand I didn’t mind so much. I thought it was fun.) Nevertheless, this is about as thankless a thing to do there is. The homeless people certainly don’t thank you. No, they say things like "Fuck you asshole," or "This is horseshit." You see homeless people are by and large pretty fucking crazy. This is largely why they’re homeless. Even the more normal ones are unable to navigate the world in a socially appropriate manner. I imagine working with the homeless is much like being a prison guard. These people are just flat out nuts. They start fights with eachother, they are hostile to you, they threaten you with physical violence. I remember one time watching this one homeless guy spit in another volunteer’s face. And the volunteer just sat there and took it. I probably would have kicked the guy’s ass. Anyway, so I laugh at the homeless. I laugh at the crazies. A lot of people I’ve worked with do too. At any rate, even if I were inclined to, it’s difficult sometimes to see the homeless as human beings, when frankly they don’t act like it.

 

I never give a homeless person change. It’s a futile gesture. They will just use it to buy either crack or alcohol. This is absolutely true 99% of the time. And even if they do use the money for food, it doesn’t really make a difference, because by the next day, they’ll be in the same position, hungry again. All you really do is throw your money away, without helping them in any real way. But I treat homeless people just like I treat anyone else. Homeless people have no pride or dignity, and they know this. It’s a sore spot for them, and they try to claim whatever semblance of dignity that they can. Knowing that this is a sore spot for them, I exploit it for my own amusement. I treat them like animals without dignity or pride, like a mechanism that exists only to entertain me. This is how I treat others. If I know a girl has an eating disorder, I’ll suggest she’s gained weight. That’s just the way I am, and I don’t apologize for it. But see, in my mind, in my own special way, when I offer to roll a quarter down the street so that I can watch a homeless man scurry after it, I feel like I am treating him more like a human being than the countless others who just walk by and pretend like they don’t even see him. Maybe I’m wrong. But I could care less. So Hooray for me.

 

I'm sure I haven't restored your faith in humanity, but I'm sure it's nice to know that you're better than me, even though, even you have your "moments"

[Guest LooseCannon]

Here’s my report card, for the others that have posted in this thread.

I need to make this quick ‘cause it’s Friday and I’m already late for some shit.

 

Kinetic: Solid 6 for the email pilfering.

Flyboy: An 8, I’ll take his word on it, though his activity on this board wouldn’t seem to justify it.

Crandamaniac: Not enough to judge

Incandenza: Seems like a 6 or 7. Purse shitting. Admittedly tearing into anyone that he perceives as weak. Would need to know more to make a definitive assessment.

BPP: In comparison to other scores, he deserves a 6.

RetroRob: 6, if indeed you are a 10 when pissed off.

Caboose: Nails an 8, for disproportionate acts of revenge incited with little provocation.

1inchpunch: if he says he’s a 9, I believe him.

Ravenbomb: Sarcasm does indeed count, and can be a very nice tool if used indiscriminately. If that’s all you have, however, you do need to settle for a 4, maybe a 5, if you’re particularly annoying and obnoxious with it.

Fook Hing Ho: 8 or 9, I’m not sure. Shamelessly mocking someone in the throes of an epileptic fit and then bragging about it, is the sort of classlessness I admire.

BPS: If his message board incarnation is any similar to his real life persona, He’s probably a 7, but could be an 8.

Sandman: Story gets a 9. But probably overall a 4.

Nezbyte: Have no idea, but I appreciate his sense of humor.

AlwaysPissedOff: The act of pissing on Jehovah’s witnesses gets a 10. Otherwise looks to be somewhere in the 6-8 range.

SupaTaft: Though, you probably don’t really hunt down homeless people, but just saying that you do, especially in polite company earns a 7.

Syxx: Mistakes class war and what I like to call "keeping a bitch in the pocket" with being an asshole. Common mistake, but I have no basis to judge him on the asshole scale.

Zach Malibu: An interesting case. You start with a 7 for both mental and physical sadism, but lose 3 points for the infrequency with which you exercise your powers. Being a prep however you automatically qualify for 2 bonus points. Your apologetic tone costs you another point. I’m not sure whether I should add or subtract points for the interesting appoach of using your asshole powers for good rather than evil. So I’ll leave the score as is, which is a 5.

Chirs3: Your instincts are correct, if all that you say is true, you are not an asshole. Unfortunately I feel as though I lack the expertise to judge scores below a 5. I’d guess anywhere from 2-4, though.

Everyone else who claimed a score less than five and pretty much left it at that: This is absolutely impossible to judge as is. Perhaps you could give us some stories about how you spend your Christmases dressing up like Santa Claus and heading over to the local orphanage or something.

My apologies to anyone that may have been overlooked.

 

And if anyone is wondering what a perfect 10 is, that would be a man by the name of Mark Ames, the co-editor of an English language, Moscow based magazine called the eXile. This is a man who once impregnated a young lady, and when she wouldn’t get an abortion, he held her upside down by her ankles over his balcony and threatened to kill her if she didn’t get an abortion. He then bragged about it in his magazine column where the poor girl’s friends and family would read about it, thus humiliating her. He then, bragged about that in the book he co-authored The Exile: Sex, Drugs, and Libel in the new Russia (recommended reading and available on Amazon.com for those interested in serious study). He’s also turned down sex from attractive women just after she’s undressed, solely to get them to think there is something physically wrong with them. He also threw a pie made of horse sperm in the face of a reporter for the New York Times, solely because he didn’t like a few articles the guy had written. That and many other stories are the reason that Mark Ames, my fellow assholes, is the standard against which we are all judged.

 

Anyway I would not invite anyone to imitate any of these asshole stunts, and I certainly disclaim any responsibility for some of the more impressionable people who might read this, and who might think it's a good idea to emulate this behavior.

[Guest treble charged]

Zack, as someone who has had their cruthes taken away from them while they had a broken leg, I can safely say that you rate high on the ol' asshole scale.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Emile Zola would be so proud.

Who's Emile Zola?

 

Anyway, the reason I just gave a low rating and didn't give any examples is because I don't have any. I can give examples of cases where others were mean to me, but none where I have been out and out mean to somebody because I just can't do it. I'm a total pushover, and even though I'm quick with sarcasm I'd hardly call that being an asshole compared to the other posts in this thread.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Zack, as someone who has had their cruthes taken away from them while they had a broken leg, I can safely say that you rate high on the ol' asshole scale.

Yeah, the crutches thing was probably one of the worst things I did while in high school. But like I said, my assholishness is more of a defense mechanism than anything. I hate cocky little bastards who think they're hot shits (pretty funny considering I'm a prep, and most would percieve me that way, but I'm not like that at all.) I guess I was just sending a statement to the kid that he was in over his head.

 

I pretty much agree with LooseCannon's report card review of me. I'm just a nice guy who gets pushed to far sometimes, and yes, I tend to use my scheming, conniving ways to either stand up for myself/my friends moreso than to do it for kicks. I guess it's Bruce Banner syndrome. Normal, everyday nice guy, but when the stress level goes up, you're fucked.