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8/15: Crashing Busses, Allah Loves To Pre-Pay

• Well apparently Jerome Bettis caused a stir in Shittsburgh by saying he thinks head coach Bill Cowher will leave the team come season’s end. Of course Mark Madden, who doesn’t like Bettis to begin with, had a field day with this subject on his local radio show. I’ve been afraid to listen to any other local sports talk radio today; when it comes to the Steelers, Shittsburgh fans can rank right up there with Red Sox fans in terms of annoyance. Now I didn’t see the Sunday night football game (I forgot that it was even on), so I didn’t see the segment in question. However, I read what Jerome said, and frankly I don’t get the big deal. In a way, I think it would be good timing if Cowher called it a career and left at the end of the season. Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Wiz-something-or-other is going to be a leading candidate for a head coaching job in the NFL, and what better time to pass the torch?   • Well we can all rest safely; those Muslims that bought 600 pre-paid cell phones have had terrorism charges dropped against them. I heard that the reason given was that they were going to sell the phones for a profit in California or something. Okie dokie. Seeing how I remember reading years ago about some terrorist ring where bad guys would buy cartons of cigarettes in the Carolinas then sell them in places like Michigan, with the profit going to naughty things, I don’t blame any law enforcement agency for suspecting shenanigans whenever Abdul enters a store and says “give me, literally, all your phones.” I guess Allah doesn’t like flexible family plans.   • So this morning there was a pretty bad accident on this one interstate I drive to and from my way to work. I heard on the news that a tour bus went out of control and crashed into a concrete road median. Fortunately for me the exit I use to get on I-376 was right next to the accident, so my gridlock experience was minimal; no more than 5 minutes or so. The one good thing about an accident like this, besides not being involved in it, is that once you pass the scene there is absolutely no traffic to deal with. It feels like being shot out of cannon. One thing about this kinda bugged me though. Right by the accident there is a bridge, and in the early morning hours when the accident occurred the local media were all over that structure with their news vans and shit. On my way home that afternoon I noticed that one news vehicle was still there recording footage. Enough already, KDKA.   • I think what pisses me off most about hearing that billions upon billions of dollars are being wasted on Homeland Security aren't the iPods and beer-making equipment being purchased in the name of protecting the homeland. It’s that at my job I have to budget $70,000 for my department, and even though I am more than 15 percent under my expenses so far for the year (and come December, if I’m still around, I expect to be more than 20 percent under) and I’m not allowed to purchase a $150 scanner for my office because I haven't "adequately justified" the purchase to my asshole boss.   • After more than seven months of going through an 82-game season and four rounds of postseason play, I finally won the Stanley Cup in my NHL ’06 game after a 3-2 OT win against the Red Wings. One graphic I got a kick out of was after winning the Conference Finals seeing the players not want to touch that trophy (whatever the hell it's called), which in real life they also don’t touch out of superstition. Uh, hooray and stuff.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

1/16: Osama For President, Cuba For Surgeries

8:30 p.m.   • I forgot about this. On the drive to work this morning I noticed a truck with a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker stuck on its rear bumper and a Bush/Cheney decal on its back window. Cool, I guess. I see so many damn Kerry/Union bumper stickers around Shittsburgh it's not even funny. Well, it is but I digress. Anyway, this guy also had some label hung up on his truck. I don't think it was a sticker, but who knows -- it was 6:15 a.m. What did this sticker-thingy say? Tool. I'm pretty sure it was unintentional, but it still got a laugh out of me.   • So Mrs. kkk's boss at the pizza shop gave her a b-day card. It was a picture of a gorilla and on the inside he wrote "Happy MLK Day." This also got a laugh out of me.   • And I thought the Canadian health care system was supposed to be ideal. That's what the commies in my country always tell me.   1:45 p.m.  • And now it's time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This mom was pissed off because her adult son always talks about himself when they chat on the phone. The mom said that she's sick of hearing him talk about his truck, so if he can't converse (or something) then she should just say "bye." He took the latter and now she's upset. Speaking from personal experience, guys, the best way to piss a woman off isn't to disagree with them during a fight but rather agree with them.   Her: "THAT'S IT! I'M SLEEPING ON THE COUCH!" You: "OK."   Her: "THESE PLATES ARE STILL DIRTY!! YOU ARE NEVER WASHING DISHES AGAIN!!" You: "OK."   Her: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD FUCK MY BEST FRIEND!!! I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN!!!" You: "OK."   Detect a pattern here? And no, the pattern isn't that I'm a shitty husband. I know that already. 12:15 p.m.   • Barak Osama just took the first step to announce his presidential bid.     HE SPEAKS SO WELL!!!! Whatever. I know next-to-nothing about him, but it's obvious he's a pile of liberal dogshit wrapped up in a pretty bow. I just hope for his sake he doesn't make a campaign stop at Fort Marcy Park. Well, Hitlery probably won't off him just yet. He's so going to be her running mate. Man if that ticket wins, '08 is going to suck.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

3/21: A Vet Of Pet Roundups And Avoiding Accidents

Today we had to take Dessa to the vet. Having done this for about seven years now, the better half and I have devised an efficient way to round up whoever needs to go and get their shots. A while back I read somewhere that cats can understand a few words, and if this is indeed the case, “time to go to the vet” has to be one of those familiar phrases. Every time one of them has to go in the carrier, they all seem to have a sixth sense that something is up.   Most of the time when we get home from work, the three of them get up from the spots where they spent the day sleeping and meet us at the front door, hoping we will go into their feeding room and give them some Meow Mix. However, today JJ was under the dining room table, Dessa was under the living room coffee table, and Max was behind some chairs under the kitchen island. And none of them wanted to move. While Mrs. kkk rounded up the unlucky kitty, I went downstairs to get the carrier, which is large enough to comfortably fit a medium-sized dog. After getting confirmation that the target has been picked up, I picked up this contraption. This is when the fur hits the fan. The two cats that aren’t tied up make a beeline for underneath a bed, either in the master bedroom on the first floor or upstairs in the spare bedroom. The cat that is picked up tries to get away, but to no avail (usually – JJ can sometimes wrestle away if given enough space). Once we drop the contained cat into the carrier, they start immediately with the crying, like that’s going to make a difference. “You know, Max, we were going to take you to the vet for your rabies and distemper shots, but after that last whimper you convinced us otherwise.”   Fortunately, Dessa checked out with a clean bill of health, but she could have been in much worse shape on the trip back home. I’m a pretty defensive driver, and one thing I HATE is when another motorist is trying to direct you when they have no control on impending traffic. A good example of this is when you are at a stop light at a four-way intersection and want to turn left. Across from you is a motorist in the left lane of their two-lane road and is waving you on to turn. There’s just one problem: YOU CAN’T SEE WHAT IS COMING IN THE OTHER LANE! These people are the embodiment of liberalism. They have good intentions, but if you follow their path you will surely regret it.   Well, this sort of thing happened to me on the way home from the vet. While driving along the left lane of Rt. 30 West, which is a two-lane highway, I noticed this vehicle in the right lane that had its right blinker on and had slowed down to a near halt. As my eyes were focusing back on the road, I noticed the motorist was making a “waving” gesture, and suddenly I realized this person was probably letting someone pull out. I slammed on the brakes. There was no screeching or the smell of burnt rubber, but there might as well have been. Suddenly this old guy in a red four-door car pulled out in front of me and the bitch that had waved him out. Had I not stopped, I would have plowed into him head-on because he was trying to cross our two lanes to get on Rt. 30 East.   I wasn’t mad at him as much as I was pissed off at the person who said it was OK for him to pull out in oncoming traffic. It wasn’t worth shouting at this bitch because my windows were up and she was already halfway into her turn to the parking lot when I snapped out of my “Christ this could have been a bad accident” trance.   On a side note, while we were at the vet, I couldn’t help but laugh at this black lab that was freaked out by having to be in the vet’s waiting room. You could tell he didn’t want to be there because his tail was in-between his legs and he wasn’t walking but rather being slid across the linoleum floor by his owner. But when his owner took a seat, the dog sniffed the lady next to him, and just like that his tail was wagging and he was having a great time being petted. Of course with Dessa all she does is just sit there and pout in her carrier; even when we take her back home, she bolts out of the carrier and hides under a bed for a couple of hours. The two males we have aren’t as bad, but they won’t be mistaken for that black lab anytime in the near future.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

6/5: #92, Blue Collar PGA Tour

KKK's Top 103 Posters   Number 92: Swift Terror   Sure Swift Terror doesn’t post that much, if anymore, at TSM’s forums, but I know him personally so he gets a pimp on this list. Mr. Terror worked under me in 2002, and when he got promoted to the management level I was at we got to know each other better during some projects our groups worked together on. Well, the people working under us worked; I spent most of my day posting at TSM, which eventually pulled in my co-worker, too. In fact, we got along so well that we were groomsmen at each other’s weddings in the years that followed. A fellow right-winger, he likes cars and horror films, not to mention having a mother-in-law that would send shivers down … well, I better stop right now if I ever want his wife to let me back in their house again the next time I’m in the southwestern Ohio region.   And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.   From SFA Jack:   • The Blue Collar Comedy quartet just had their “final” movie on Comedy Central last night, and I was unimpressed. I’m normally a fan of their comedy (sans that television show), but this third special left something to be desired. I didn’t mind most of the material; my problem was that the event took place in Washington, D.C., which is one of the last places I’d want to see these guys perform at. Why don’t you just do a show in Manhattan or Berkley next? The first two specials may not have taken place in “redneck” havens like Georgia or Mississippi, but nevertheless the crowds helped make the viewing experience enjoyable. This crowd looked mostly like inside-the-beltway schmoes, and there was just something missing from this element. I think one reason I like these stand-up specials is that Jeff, Larry, Bill and Ron complement each other well, although I’d consider Bill to be the weak link of the four, since he seems to have a similar brand of material that Jeff has. If this is indeed the last time these four will appear together on a stage, then peace out. You can’t argue about the success this “blue collar” stuff has experienced.   • There have been a few good commercials airing as of late, which is unusual for me because normally I think television commercials either try too hard to be over the top or are just bland. Ever since they brought back their former mascot (or whatever that king guy was supposed to be), Burger King has had a number of good ads. Their most recent ad pimping a Texas Double Whopper is an enjoyable one for me, especially the full version. The song is cute, and I like how the commercial builds momentum until that van gets pushed into a dump truck. The second ad that has immediately won me over is for some hippie soft drink. I don’t know if it’s a Mountain Dew rip-off, or some extra- caffeinated version of this greenish goodness. The commercial is about a farmer who is building a bigger, meaner scarecrow to fend off, and even destroy, a variety of woodland animals trashing his crops, including … well, you’ll have to watch it to figure out the payoff. And while I’m on this subject, I really liked Taco Bell’s “Think Outside The Bun” campaign, but it’s time to put it out to the pasture. My jump the shark moment on this batch of ads came with those “toga” commercials.   • So ESPN is giving constant updates on Michelle Wie’s qualifying performance for the U.S. Open. Here’s my question: Is the PGA supposedly a “male” league? If not, then why even bother having a LPGA? Let’s just have everybody play in golf leagues and see who qualifies. I have nothing against Wie, and if she gets exemptions to play in tournaments just because it will bring in more people to watch the event, then more power to her. And goddamn is Jim Gray the wrong guy to sub host Jim Rome is Burning. He seems like a good-enough sideline reporter, but when it comes to this format, they should have went with an extra “Best of Mike and Mike” or something, which says a lot because even if that show was on at 6 p.m. rather than 6 a.m., it would still put me to sleep. UPDATE: After reading Swift Terror's latest blog entry, I guess the PGA is co-ed. This of course now means that the LPGA needs to rethink their closed-minded policies. AHHHHH, another ESPN update on Wie. This is more annoying than those "Chasing Bonds" updates that were run prior to Barry passing Ruth.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

7/27: #69, U.N. Deaths, Killer Mom Acquittals

KKK's Top 103 Posters   Number 69: Bob Barron   From his Saturday Night Live recaps that take longer to read than it would to actually watch this unfunny piece of crap program he reviews to his numerous pictures with celebrities...   (my personal favorite)   ...Bob is one of the more recognizable posters at this place. And how can he not be, considering he's had that hat longer than the Braves have been winning Division titles. I’ve talked to Bob via AIM for a few years now, and he’s a pretty nice kid. Not only is he a conservative student in a field of study (journalism) that is dominated by liberals (especially considering he goes to school in Canada), but also he’s a regular participant in my NFL Pick ‘em league. In fact, he was runner-up in KKK Bowl II. Now with all these nice things being said about him, the question is why is he ranked up so high (or "low," as the case may be) on this list? Well, Bob has the potential to capture a Top 20, or even a Top 10, spot, but the fact of the matter is, Bob, that you need some action. I know it’ll probably be a while before you experience it in the Real World, so by occupying the number 69 slot you can at least fulfill your wildest celeb fantasies on my list. Go to town big guy.         And now a word or four from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.   From Lovecraft231:   From The Real World’s Champion:   From EricMM:   From Cancer Marney:   Oh, and for all my expert panelists: the number 68 spot is being changed for reasons you’ll understand later when he turns up again.   • The Andrea Yates story just keeps getting better. Like I said before, it’s shit like this which makes people support the death penalty. I’m guessing she gets released from the crazy house in 5-10 years. I think what’s even more disgusting is that her ex-husband was complaining not because Andrea was now found innocent but because it took two juries to reach a not guilty verdict. He then griped about all the tax dollars being spent for the two trials. Maybe it indeed was best for these kids that they got killed relatively early on in their lives before their parents could do some real damage to them.   • So the United Nations decides to stick around in a war zone and several “observers” got killed by an Israeli rocket, prompting Kofi Annan to say that it appeared that Israel was targeting his people. Well Israel did say they were going to go after terrorists. When I first heard this my guess was that Hezbollah was probably moving closer to that U.N. outpost; a letter Glenn Beck read earlier today on his radio show confirmed my guess. According to this letter, one of the observers who eventually was killed in the strike said that the Israeli shelling they were experiencing had not been deliberate but due to a tactical necessity. Gee, terrorists moving toward civilians/non-aggressors in hopes of innocent lives being lost? That’s a newsflash.   • This has been a pretty depressing entry, what with moms getting off from killing their kids and the Mideast going to hell in a handbasket. However, there is some good news on the horizon; score one for the good guys in the eminent domain struggle. Fuck you Big Government. Fuck you Big Private Land Developer. Fuck you Five Communists on the Supreme Court.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

1/28: Getting The Most Mileage Out Of An Old Sing-A-Long

6 p.m.   • So I’m still in way over my head at the new job. Nothing surprising with that. However, this got a LOL moment for me. For last week’s trip she said for me to include the mileage it took to drive to the airport. Now I already got some per diem check, which was good enough for me. However, the boss also said to include mileage and the $4 parking toll Mrs. kkk had while waiting for my flight to arrive. (Part II of this story, which started on Saturday, will be arriving shortly – just like how my flights were last week.) The boss said to use the federal mileage rate – something like 45 cents per mile. And why did this make me laugh? Would you care to guess what the mileage rate was at my former place of employment? For every guess in the “comments” section I’ll let you know if the correct answer is “higher” or “lower.”   • Uncle Ted endorses a black man for prez. Some feminazi group says this:     At this point, do I really need to make a remark about pondering whether or not leaving someone in the back seat of a car to drown counts as "betrayal"?                                                                               Sure I do.                     Here's an oldie but goodie...     ...hit it.   99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You take one down, Your passenger drowns, 98 bottles of beer on the wall...   98 bottles of beer on the wall! 98 bottles of beer! You take one down, You hit the town, 97 bottles of beer on the wall...   97 bottles of beer on the wall 97 bottles of beer! If one of those bottles should happen to fall 96 bottles of beer on the wall...   96 bottles of beer on the wall! 96 bottles of beer! If one of those bottles should happen to fall Forget Mary Jo 'cause she's started to pall No need to report it, there's no need at all 95 bottles of beer on the wall...   95 hhashurhfajjfj AIIEEEE! 95 lkkldnfklsdnjsdvhdfw passh JDFWBA OKVKSN ogjekvirjverlkvuhjwrpihgw 94 dbjfjcovkerhjbchue...   94 bottle of beer on the wall 94 bottles of beer Take one done Pass it around 93 bottles of beer on the wall...   92 to bottles of beer on the wall 92 bottles of beer take one off give it to Hoff 91 bottles of beer on the wall...   91 bottles of beer on the wall 91 bottles of beer take one off give it to Hoff he-drives-off-a-bridge-IN-ANGER-and-leaves-his-campaign-staffer-in-the-back-seat-to-die-a-miserable-death 90 bottles of beer on the wall...   90 bottles of beer on the wall! 90 bottles of beer! Take a drink Watch a young girl sink 89 bottles of beer on the wall...   89 bottles of beer on the wall! 89 bottles of beer! Drink another and wait Let her suffocate 88 bottles of beer on the wall...   88 bottles of beer on the wall, 88 bottles of beer. Off a bridge you drove Blame it on Karl Rove 87 bottles of beer on the wall...   87 bottles of beer on the wall! 87 bottles of beer! Guzzle one quick, you drunken old mick, It's too late for Mary at Chappaquiddick 86 bottles of beer on the wall...   86 bottles of beer on the wall, 86 bottles of beer Your face is red This is a great thread 85 bottles of beer on the wall...   85 bottles of beer on the wall, 85 bottles of beer Drink n' guzzle Watch the bubbles 84 bottles of beer on the wall...   84 bottles of beer on the wall! 84 bottles of beer! Swill it on down, you miserable clown You couldn't possibly get elected anywhere but Massachusetts and at least the President managed to graduate from Harvard rather than being expelled twice for cheating on exams and oh he never cheated on his wife either or tried and failed to have sex with a woman while lying on a restaurant floor in a drunken stupor you disgusting morally leprous decrepit filthy scumbag 83 bottles of beer on the wall...   83 bottles of beer on the wall. 83 bottles of beer. Get so drunk and you'll soon feel no pain Bush is much worse than Saddam Hussein 83 bottles of beer on the wall...   82 bottles of beer on the wall. 82 bottles of beer. My brother Jack nailed chicks with no fear. If he didn't die, I'd have no career. 81 bottles of beer on the wall...   81 bottles of beer on the wall. 81 bottles of beer. People who listen to my speeches get no relief. My puppet Kerry was nearly commander-in-chief Chug one more while my kidney's functions fall 80 bottles of beer on the wall...   80 bottles of beer on the wall. 80 bottles of beer. Poor ol' Ted, his kid lost his leg. But he's a democrat and deserves to suffer, according to crazy Meg. 79 bottles of beer on the wall...   79 bottles of beer on the wall. 79 bottles of beer. Drug abuse, bootlegging, and cheating on women a lot Just another day here in Camelot Fuck you, we're rich and you're not 78 bottles of beer on the wall...   78 bottles of beer on the wall 78 bottles of beer Fucking christ, his head's the size of a deer! 77 bottles of beer on the wall....   77 bottles of beer on the wall. 77 bottles of beer. My voters I must scare, With threatened cuts to Medicare. 76 bottles of beer on the wall...   76 bottles of beer on the wall. 76 bottles of beer. Women's rights are a cause in which I place much stock. "Hey, baby, wanna see my bloated cock? "It's 2 inches long and hard as a rock" 75 bottles of beer on the wall...   75 bottles of beer on the wall, 76 bottles of beer Care about politics I do not, even so I'm always down to wreck on another Masshole. 74 bottles of beer on the wall...   74 bottles of beer on the wall. 74 bottles of beer. I hate to sound daft, But there's going to be a draft. 73 bottles of beer on the wall...   72 bottles of beer on the wall. 72 bottles of beer. At least I didn't kill her by driving into a tree. Did you know that my IQ was only 33? My face has a startling resemblance to my knee 71 bottles of beer on the wall...   73 bottles of beer on the wall. 73 bottles of beer. MikeSC had this number but Bush stole it you see Just like he does with the trust fund for Social Security 71 bottles of beer on the wall...   71 bottles of beer on the wall! 71 bottles of beer! Saddam Hussein has two dead sons Ted's son lost his leg and his three brothers were all killed one of his sisters died in a plane crash and his family lobotomized another so she wouldn't embarrass them so we should be kind and understandiiiiiiiiiiiiiing 70 bottles of beer on the wall...   70 bottles of beer on the wall. 70 bottles of beer. Did you notice that my numbers aren't uniform? You'd think I was writing my party's platform 69 bottles of beer on the wall...   69 bottles of beer on the wall, 69 bottles of beer Heh heh, uh heh heh, uh heh he heh 69...... 68 bottles of beer on the wall...   68 bottles of beer on the wall, 68 bottles of beer. Dubs is a democrat, and still thinks Ted's retarded and fat, 67 bottles of beer on the wall...   67 bottle of beer on the wall. 67 bottles of beer. I got here through the deaths of Jack, Bobby, and Joe Man, why couldn't I fuck Marilyn Monroe? We both drink like fish, don't ya know? 66 bottles of beer on the wall...   66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer Where the hell are my pants... .... And the girl... 65 bottles of beer on the wall...   65 bottles of beer on the wall! 65 bottles of beer! Take one down, don't pass it around Chug that motherfucker and reach for another With Uncle Ted, we're out on the town! Fuck it, we'll never get a fucking drink at this rate 64 bottles of beer on the wall...   64 bottles of beer on the wall, 64 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around I've fucked my state from my lofty perch Because my junior is Senator Lurch 63 bottles of beer on the wall...   63 bottles of beer on the wall, 63 bottles of beer, With fine English gin that my dad smuggled in, 62 bottles of beer on the wall...   62 bottles of beer on the wall. 62 bottles of beer. My face has become almost comically thick My nephew, well, he raped a chick I can't speak English worth a lick 61 bottles of beer on the wall...   61 bottles of beer on the wall, 61 bottles of beer, Put your sister in bed, take a pick to her head, 60 bottles of beer on the wall...   60 bottles of beer on the wall, 60 bottles of beer, Our Party's leadership is in trauma Good thing we have Osama bin Obama 59 bottles of beer on the wall...   59 bottles of beer on the wall. 59 bottles of beer. I don't like it when shotguns go "blam!" Did you know my boy Kerry served in Vietnam? Only thing I like more than liquor is a great big ham 58 bottles of beer on the wall...   58 bottles of beer on the wall, 58 bottles of beer. With all that I can muster This thread I will filibuster Because it's an assault on my character and America has a time-honored tradition of Democrats filibustering extreme things like civil rights...                                   Still filibustering...                                                       La la la...                                               So, how about those Red Sox?...                                           Is it last call yet?...                                           Wait, Robert "kkk" Byrd just offered a compromise? Well, shit. 57 bottles of beer on the wall...   57 bottles of beer on the wall, 57 bottles of beer. KKK's sure was the best, But let's not put this thread to rest, 56 bottles of beer on the wall...   56 bottles of beer on the wall, 56 bottles of beer Ted laughed at the girl from the shore, Let's watch Dubs post whore 55 bottles of beer on the wall...   55 bottles of beer on the wall, 55 bottles of beer We'll say Roberts' son looks like a dork So his daddy will end up like Robert Bork 54 bottles of beer on the wall...   54 bottles of beer on the wall, 54 bottles of beer I think alternative energies are great As long as they're away from my estate 53 bottles of beer on the wall...   53 bottles of beer on the wall. 53 bottles of beer. A bitch was trippin in Chappaquiddick Fuck I think my face was beaten with an ugly stick 52 bottles of beer on the wall...   52 bottles of beer on the wall 52 bottles of beer Public school is so dear to my heart But you know that my grandkids would never take part And I will fight vouchers, shoot 'em down with a dart Good schools are just for the rich, not the smart, Keep all the commoners nicely apart, But go on and vote for me when November starts, I've gone for six lines and still haven't used 'fart,' I've whittled hypocrisy down to an art...(whew, long one!) ...51 bottles of beer on the wall...   51 bottles of beer on the wall, 51 bottles of beer. In Robert Bork's America we'd have no civil right Which is why Robert's nomination we'll continue to fight 50 bottles of beer on the wall...   50 bottles of beer on the wall 50 bottles of beer I hope this doesn't sound odd But I could go for a waitress sandwich with Dodd 49 bottles of beer on the wall...   49 bottles of beer on the wall 49 bottles of beer Please don't be rude and yawn When I say Iraq is Bush's Vietnam 48 bottles of beer on the wall...   48 bottles of beer on the wall 48 bottles of beer If you think I've drunk a lot in life then you should see my ex-wife! 47 bottles of beer on the wall...   47 bottles of beer on the wall. 47 bottles of beer I love alternative energy and so should you just so long as it doesn't block my view 46 bottles of beer on the wall...   46 bottles of beer on the wall 46 bottles of beer I ate chips of paint made from lead Lord knows I'm not under fed The only thing bigger than my ego is my head I'm too fat to get chicks into bed My speech is worse than Hillbilly Jed I'm so worthless that I'd be better of dead 45 bottles of beer...   45 bottles of beet on the wall, 45 bottles of beer! Why did God take John and Rob Kennedy? Yet, I'll probably live 'till I'm 103? 44 bottles of beer on the wall...   44 bottles of beer on the wall 44 bottles of beer on the wall i'm drunk has hell know Mary Jo's dead 43 bottles of beer on the wall...   43 bottles of beer on the wall. 43 bottles of beer. Fuck you, I'm drinking. Cock smoker 42 bottles of beer on the wall...   41 bottles of beer on the wall 41 bottle of beer my pops hated jews now get me another brew 41 bottle of beer on the wall...   40 bottles of beer on the wall 40 bottles of beer Some call me a murderous drunken Mick But I wear, I drove off the bridge because she was sucking my dick After she drowned I went back to the party and drank till I was sick 39 bottles of beer on the wall...   39 bottles of beer on the wall 39 bottles of beer Ann Coulter wrote about me this week driving off a cliff But those records are sealed, since I'm a hypocritical stiff 38 bottles of beer on the wall...   38 bottles of beer on the wall, 38 bottles of beer It's really bad that a levee had to fail But I have a court nominee to nail 37 bottles of beer on the wall...   37 bottles of beer on the wall, 37 bottles of beer For all those drowned (during Katrinia) I'll yell at Bush for failing to react Woah, wait a second. How ironic is that? 36 bottles of beer on the wall...   36 bottles of beer on the wall. 36 bottles of beer. A nuclear energy industry is evil, really evil by far Even though it's killed fewer people than my car 35 bottles of beer on the wall...   35 bottles of beer on the wall 35 bottle of beer while right know i'm totally shitfaced my nephew Bobby is a total disgrace 34 bottles of beer on the wall...   34 bottles of beer on the wall 34 bottle of beer I'm babbling in front of a Chief Justice nominee All his legal answers don't matter to me I will still vote "no" because he's a facist Nazi Because I'm all about the working family 33 bottles of beer on the wall...   33 bottles of beer on the wall 33 bottle of beer This poster Matt Young I do not know But I wish he was in that car with me and Mary Jo 32 bottles of beer on the wall...   32 bottles of beer on the wall, 32 bottles of beer. I'll never mope, I've got an indulgence from the Pope. 31 bottles of beer on the wall...   31 bottles of beer on the wall. 31 bottles of beer I hate that Enron's collapse nearly made the economy crash Shame my dad did worse to get his cash 30 bottles of beer on the wall...   THIR - TY BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL THIR - TY BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL SEEK! LO - CATE! EX - TER - MIN - ATE! ALL RA - CES ARE IN - FE - RI -OR TO THE DAAAL - EKS! TWEN - TY - NINE BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL...   29 bottles of beer on the wall. 29 FUCKING BOTTLES OF BEER! WHAT THE HELL ARE THE HAWKS DOING? JESUS CHRIST, NO DAMNED POINT GUARDS? No...FUCK Ted Kennedy. THIS is BULLSHIT! 28 bottles of beer on the wall...   28 bottles of beer on the wall, 28 bottles of beer. Let's get this fucking thread over with because the same people posting here are complaining about Matt Young Appreciation Day SINCE THE HUMOR HERE IS SO STERLING AND GENIUS 3 27 bottles of beer on the wall...   27 bottles of beer on the wall. 27 bottles of beer. Greengrocer can't count too well. God knows what made Teddy's face swell. 26 bottles of beer on the wall...   26 bottles of beer on the wall. 26 bottles of beer. Perhaps Greengrocer needs a v-chip for this thread Because simply ignoring it by not clicking on its link must cause him dread Oh yeah -- the senior Masshole Senator -- I can't wait until he's dead 26 bottles of beer on the wall...   (assuming) 26 bottles of beer on the wall, (assuming) 26 bottles of beer. kkk forgot to subtract, The universe is constantly in a quantum state, Nothing can truly be called "knowable." Life is ephemal, fleeting; all men die. Subatomic particles wink in and out of existence, without purpose, without meaning. i bottles of beer on the wall...   26 bottles of beer on the wall. 26 bottles of beer. Thanks to my miscount, this order is distorted Good thing Ted's pro-choice, so my last post is aborted 25 bottles of beer on the wall...   25 bottles of beer on the wall. 25 bottles of beer. I tried to save a group from drowning with a friend and myself This joke can write itself:     24 bottles of beer on the wall...   24 bottles of beer on the wall 24 bottles of beer Harriet Miers would be a better nominee If she'd just go for a ride with me 23 bottles of beer on the wall...   23 bottles of beer on the wall 23 bottles of beer Though my liver is swelling and my BAC is gaining For a drunkard like me, this is only pregaming 22 bottles of beer on the wall...   0 bottles of beer on the wall 0 bottles of beer... you actually think that this drunken mick would let all this beer stay on the wall for this long?   22 bottles of beer on the wall. 22 bottles of beer. True, they were all gone, as fast as a comet But they're all back because I had to vomit 21 bottles of beer on the wall...   21 bottles of beer on the wall, 21 bottles of beer BLACKJACK MOTHERFUCKER! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 20 bottles of beer on the wall...   20 bottles of beer on the wall, 20 bottles of beer At least when I get drunk I DON'T FUCKING KILL PEOPLE YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT 19 bottles of beer on the wall...   19 bottles of beer on the wall, 19 bottles of beer This thread was never funny except for Grocer and Sandman's jabs Drawing a blank here, um... Jesus was really an A-rab 18 bottles of beer on the wall...   18 bottles of beer on the wall, 18 bottles of beer I said for the Supreme Court Democrats don't do a litmus test We look for candidates that are the very best 17 bottles of beer on the wall...   Aw hell, I need another brew for that last line of bullshit. 16 bottles of beer on the wall...   16 bottles of beer on the wall, 16 bottles of beer Fat blimp ruins land Whale brings shame to all people Shut his huge pie hole 15 bottles of beer on the wal...   15 bottles of beer on the wall, 15 bottles of beer! If one of those bottles should happen to fall Then you will see a fat man bawl 14 bottles of beer on the wall...   14 bottles of beer on the wall, 14 bottles of beer Bush lied about Iraq and we're keeping score And please ignore all of the things we said before 13 bottles of beer on the wall...   13 bottles of beer on the wall, 13 bottles of beer. Iraq is stockpiled with WMD and a hotbed for terror Wait, it's '05, not '98, so sorry for the error 12 bottles of beer on the wall...   12 bottles of beer on the wall, 12 bottles of beer Extremist Judge Al-lee-go doesn't think strip-searching a kid will scar her for life It's even worse than drowning someone who isn't your wife 11 bottles of beer on the wall...   11 bottles of beer on the wall, 11 bottles of beer. My children's book follows a day in my life, I get drunk before noon and then cheat on my wife. 10 bottles of beer on the wall...   10 bottles of beer on the wall! 10 bottles of beer! 10 year-old girl was strip-searched and it "scarred" her Oh how I wish they had let me guard her 9 bottles of beer on the wall...   9 bottles of beer on the wall, 9 bottles of beer. As I get drunk, I talked a lot louda, Er ah, er ah, Chowda, CHOWDA, CHOWDA 8 bottles of beer on the wall...   8 bottles of beer on the wall, 8 bottles of beer Smashed during hearings makes them so much better You can tell by my face getting redder 7 bottles of beer on the wall...   7 bottles of beer on the wall, 7 bottles of beer, These GOP scumbags are far-right extremists, But later this year they're still gonna cream us, EDIT: Uh, no 6 bottles of beer on the wall...   6 bottles of beer on the wall, 6 bottles of beer I make judges' wives drown in their tears And I don't have to drive or shift gears 5 bottles of beer on the wall...   5 bottles of beer on the wall, 5 bottles of beer! I've had fun treating Judge Alito like a prick Even though he could shut me up by saying, "Chappaquiddick," 4 bottles of beer on the wall...   4 bottles of beer on the wall 4 bottles of beer I'm bringing my children's book about Washington DC, to a 1st grad class It's too damn bad, I couldn't save Mary Jo's ass. 3 bottles of beer on the wall...   3 bottles of beer on the wall, 3 bottles of beer, 30-plus years of being a drunk fatto, Living in the depths of my dead brothers' shadow, 2 bottles of beer on the wall...   2 bottles of beer on the wall, 2 bottles of beer Now it's last call and the drinks are on me But you have to have a nice ass or size 34 D 1 more bottle of beer on the wall...   1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer The wall is bankrupt from what I can see Just like George W. Bush's economy No more bottles of beer on the wall!     I'm headed to the store, I'll be back.     Well, this isn't going to end well. Here we go again.   *Still preparing the Pete Rock remix.*

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

4/5: Joyful Cheerleaders, Depressed Classmates

• So the NCAA Women’s Final Four is over and done with. Go Maryland. Actually, I don’t care about women’s basketball on the collegiate level (or any other level for that matter), but if other people like watching it, and there's an audience for this market, then more power to them. I was watching some highlights this morning of the final game and something caught my eye. Schools have female cheerleaders for women’s sports? Odd. If I was a male athlete, I don’t know how I’d feel if every time I scored a basket a bunch of guys in matching outfits and pom poms sitting under the hoop would get up and dance around – not that there’s anything wrong with that mind you. Oh, and I am sincere when I say congratulations to Maryland for winning the women’s title – I don’t like college sports, but any team that beats Penn State or Duke is OK by me.   • Lovecraft is still waxing poetic on faux hippies, and he reminded me of a college experience. Back in 1998, before he became the first boss of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge was a Republican governor of Pennsylvania. Even though some of his critics, particularly the union crowd, dubbed him “One-Term Tom” he was for the most part a popular governor, and the Democrats really didn’t have anyone to go up against him for his re-election bid. The Democrats brought out some old guy by the name of Ivan Itkin who had no shot at beating Ridge. Itkin came to our school one night to do a taping for our student television crew, and I spoke with him afterward for an article in our school newspaper. He seemed like a nice guy, and although I had no intention of voting for him, I felt he genuinely believed what he was saying. Of course, this guy had no chance of winning; in fact, his campaign strategy was to go around in only a dozen or so counties pimping what he could do as the state's next governor. The problem was Pennsylvania has more than 60 counties. Granted some counties are bigger than others, but with a strategy like that, especially when your opponent is reasonably well-liked throughout the state, you are destined to lose.   After his television segment was over, and before I was about to talk with him, I was chatting with some blonde chick that was part of the student TV production crew. I was waiting for Itkin to arrive outside the studio, and she was waiting for a nearby elevator to come to our floor. For some reason she must have assumed I was a lib just like her because she began saying what a great guy Itkin was and how he’d make a great governor. Obviously, she hadn’t been reading up on current events, because even the more liberal media in the Shittburgh area were questioning Itkin’s chances of victory against Ridge. I had to break it to her that her guy had no shot of winning this election. When she asked why, I explained to her his pisspoor campaign strategy, lack of a war chest and the fact that the evil Republican governor wasn’t so bad, at least in the eyes of the Pennsylvania voters. At that moment she got a dejected look, the likes I have only seen in former blind dates when they realize that I’m the person they’re going to be spending an evening with, and said, “Oh, no. That means we’re going to have four more years of Governor Tom Ridge.” It was at that moment the elevator door opened, and as she walked into it and hit a floor button I said to her, “You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.” As the doors closed, you should have seen the look of fright and disgust on her face; you would have thought she had encountered the Anti-Christ, or, worse yet, George W. Bush.   • Oh, and for those who wondered what I did on my 30th birthday yesterday, here’s a quick rundown: Went to work, made a vet appointment for Max, who is having issues with going to the bathroom. Left work for a few hours to get him to an appointment slot that was available that day. (If you have a cat, particularly a male, who is struggling to urinate, get them checked out ASAP. Chances are it’s just a urinary tract infection, which is what Max has, but other times it could be more serious, and even life-threatening, as was the case with my in-law’s cat, who had his pee hole clogged up.) Went back to work. Ate at a ghetto all-you-can-eat pizza chain store called CiCi’s. (It’s one of those places I eat at every six months or so, and every time I do I swear I’m never going back. But then whenever I need to intake some more disgusting, greasy food I return and the cycle starts all over again.) Went grocery shopping (saved $40 off a $110 order for those keeping score at home). Picked up Max from the vet. Unloaded groceries. Laid in bed swearing that I’ll never go back to CiCi’s again. The End.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

5/18: Playoff Picks, Politics, Equality For All

• I love so-called experts on television. Sure the political ones are stupid because every little thing that happens in Washington, D.C., spells DOOM for one group of politicians and VICTORY for the other group of politicians. And what a shock: usually, it’s the party that the taking head is affiliated with that can do no wrong. The only thing worse than these nimrods are the sports “experts.” I remember a week or so ago when the New Jersey Nets beat the Miami Heat in Game 1 of the NBA Eastern Conference Semi-Finals that it was gloom and doom for the Heat. Even when Miami won Game 2 it didn’t matter because New Jersey now had the HOME COURT ADVANTAGE. So what did Miami do after this Game 1 loss? They proceeded to win the next four, beating the Nets in five games.   • Speaking of basketball, this is a weird postseason for me. I’m not really a “fan” of a team in any league, but once the playoffs start I’ll tune in and cheer for one or two teams. If they lose, it’s no big deal, and if they win, yay, I guess. For example, back in the 2002 MLB playoffs I was pulling for the California/Anaheim/Whatever-They-Were-Called-Back-Then Angels. There was no real reason for this; I just liked their team and some of the players. If they had lost to whoever they played (Bored, Alkeiper, help me out there) I would have found some way to go on. However, I must say that when the World Series started I was really pulling for the Angels, but that was because I didn’t want Barry Bonds to win a ring, along with Racist Dusty getting another championship under his belt. Oh, yeah. And I laughed at the end of Game 7 when Racist Dusty’s brat was crying after his dad lost the big game. Anyway, this year I’m in a bit of a pickle because I don’t know who I want to win in the NBA playoffs. I like the Pistons as a team, but I’m also a LeBron James fan. I also have no reason to hate the Shaq/Wade tandem, too. Over in the West I’ve pulled for the Spurs over the last few years, but also I think it’d be nice to see the Mavs or Suns to finally make to the Finals. Who should I pull for this year? I have no idea. Oh, and in the NHL I've been pulling for the Oilers since they went up on Detroit in the first round and the Hurricanes since the second round.   • Here is some more post-election stuff. Although nothing too exciting happened in my district, a few bigwigs in the Republican Party got beat in some of the more conservative sections of the state. Good. If you’re a member of a political party, you should focus more on your party’s primary rather than the general election. I can hear it now, “OMG you’re a Party hack!” Yeah, so what? Look, I may not like Arlen Specter as my U.S. Senator, but who am I going to vote for: a Liberal Republican or a Liberal, period? If I want a Republican out of office, I’ll get it done in the primary election; I’m not going to vote for someone I feel would be even worse in the general election. Now that’s not to say I will always vote Republican for Congress or President, but I doubt I’ll be voting Democrat anytime soon when it comes to the National level.   • You know what? In a normal world this would probably be worthy of my scorn, but fuck it; I salute you, sir. If you bitches want to protest outside of Augusta National come Master’s time because it’s an all-male club then no free baseball gloves or reduced drinks for you. Here’s a note to you feminazis: Not everything should be open to both sexes. You think a guy wants to hear his nagging wife or some other broad when he’s out on the golf course? Even though I’m not a golfer, I can imagine what playing 18 holes would be like when you’re being badgered each time you try to make a putt. “Why didn’t you do the dishes?” “Did you take the dog out for a walk?” “Do you know what your son did today?” “Oh no, I broke a nail with that chip shot!” To Augusta I say don’t budge an inch.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

2/21: A PA Pol's Poll

It’s funny. For as much bitching as I do with Shittsburgh and the state of Pennsylvania in general, I’m for the most part content with my state legislators.   My Rep is one of two Democrats I voted for in the ’04 election. James Casorio may be a Democrat, but he’s OK. Besides, he’s extremely popular in the area so it’s not like I have much of a choice in this matter. Generally, he’s not that bad, although he pissed me off a bit by supporting some hippie spending plan for the state’s environment that is nothing more than a waste of money.   My State Senator is another matter, and I’m glad to be one of the evil Neo-Cons or whatever we were called who booted out the former State Senator of this area last election. Bob Regola, who from what I read was a fairly conservative Democrat that turned Republican to have a run at my district’s former incumbent, some liberal weenie named Alan Kukovich who was a bum-chum of Governor Ed Rendell. You want to raise taxes? Fine. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, which is what it did.   Actually, there’s a funny story to my voting experience in ’04 regarding Regola/Kukovich. When the better half and I pulled up to the voting precinct, which was some local VFW, some pro-union clown standing by a pickup truck with a John Kerry bumper sticker on it got in our way. As we were heading into the voting room he tried to give Mrs. kkk and me some literature on Kukovich, which I outright refused and said to him that we were voting Regola. Fuck that shit. I’m not going to be intimidated by some schmoe letting us know who he wants us to vote for. He replied with some grumbling and started bitching about how Regola was the worst thing since the Anti-Christ (or George W. Bush). I then said, in a raised voice just a notch or two below a full-blown shout, “Kukovich can lick my nuts.”   I made this statement right when the better half opened the VFW’s front door, and when I turned around I saw the little old ladies manning the polls with a look of fright/disgust on their faces. Oh well. Politics is an ugly game.   Anyway, yesterday Regola sent me some questionnaire about my feelings on a number of issues. Now some of these letters are just fundraising tools, but this one was legit, especially since there is no card asking me how much I would like to give to the GOP. I thought I’d share the questions with you and my responses just to show how RIGHT-WING I really am. I just gave my response below; even if you graduated from a government school you should be able to figure out most, if not all, of the issues I was asked.   1) Keep the minimum wage at the federal rate. (Get another job if you don’t make enough money)   2) I don’t care if PA allows hunting on Sundays.   3) Spending caps are important to make sure that government lives within its means. This one was a bit tricky for me because I can understand having to borrow (look at our president -- ugh) but the other answer I couldn’t in good conscience approve because “Rely on the Governor and Legislature to establish budgets that meet the needs of the Commonwealth” was just too much, even for me.   4) I support photo ID requirements to vote, although really any form of ID would be fine by me. Of course, this is considered RACIST.   5) I have no opinion on casino gambling. (Building casinos won’t really help the region, and it will probably hurt it, but if idiots want to throw their money away, that’s up to them.)   6) Smoking bans are already too stringent.   7) Residents who order out-of-state wine shouldn’t have to deal with the PA Liquor Control Board. Basically, the only booze you can get in PA is through these state-run stores, and they’re a freaking joke to begin with.   8) I have no opinion on how PA is coping with terrorism. If they want to blow up Shittsburgh, let them.   9) Maintain existing growth and develop laws when it comes to open space preservation programs. (There was no entry for “cut funding” so I had to go with the status quo.)   10) Building a high-speed rail connection is a nice idea, but it will take about 100 years to create and make Boston’s “Big Dig” look like an impulse buy on a pack of gum while waiting in line at the grocery store.   So there you have it. Now if you will excuse me, I have some abortion clinics to bomb.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

1/11: What's In A Name?

12 a.m.   • So earlier this week the better half and I were driving home from work when she pulled out a piece of paper and asked for my opinion on a dozen possible names for girls should kkk jr. be a she. Good lord. Well, I tried my best to be good while she was announcing the names that made her “final cut,” and for the most part I was. Look, I know I’m going to get zero say in what this kid’s going to be named. I know this is all a dog and pony show. I know that, and I’m fine with it. However, the best part of this came after the names were read and I gave my answer. There was a pause and following exchange of words was made.   “Are you sure that’s your favorite name?”   “Yes.”   “You picked the same name as my mom.”   Wow. Imagine that. Mrs. kkk’s mom and I both picked the same name out of a dozen possibilities. What the are the chances of that happening – one in 12? Well you would think is the end of the great what-to-call-our-kid-if-she-sprouts-tits debate. I mean, that’s what I thought. After all, she had her list and two out of the three judges selected the same entry. Cased closed, right?   This evening during dinner, she pulled out another sheet of paper. Do I really need to say any more at this point? She's already got the name for a boy. Like this gender is going to be any different. In the end I really don't care. However, my only condition is that kkk jr. isn’t named after A TELEVISION OR MOVIE CHARACTER!

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

3/5: A Kohls Day Of Hell Shopping With Mrs. KKK

• Guys in long-term relationships will appreciate this one. So yesterday the better half and I were driving around to a few stores. We stopped in this place close to our house that recently opened up a Sam’s Club. The former highlight of this shopping plaza used to be a Wal-Mart, but it got moved down the road a bit and now a Sam’s Club was taking up the place. Don’t ask why they just didn’t build a Sam’s where the newer Wal-Mart was constructed; I’m not.   As we pulled in the plaza parking lot, I looked around to see if any new stores were being added to this place. One of them was a dollar store – I can’t remember its name. I mentioned this to Mrs. kkk, who then scolded me and said that store has always been there. I then pointed to the big banner on the building’s exterior that read, “Grand Opening” and was told “that didn’t matter because there has always been a dollar store there.” Yes dear.   Later on that day we went into Kohl’s because her one friend is about to pop out another kid. This of course means the better half is going to spend 30 minutes looking at every baby outfit in stock. I never understood getting new clothes for babies because they will be growing out of them soon enough, or they are going to throw up/crap/pee all over these over-priced outfits. As I stood there listening to some brat playing this “sing along” device, I knew it was time to head over to another part of the store. I said I was going over to the cooking section and high-tailed it out of there.   Although I bought some vacuum bags for food storage (25 percent off, baby) I was a bit disappointed that they were out of those space-saving storage containers. They’ve been pimped on TV as saving cabinet space and come in three different sizes. I bought some for the holiday season because they were on sale, and they were a pretty good buy. Before I had a plethora of food storage containers scattered throughout the place and I could never find the right lid or cover to fit the container I wanted to use. Fuck I’m getting old when I think this sort of thing is worthy of being typed up. Well, at least I’m not talking about my fiber intake and outtake … yet.   • I’m thinking of adding a new feature that will appear every now and then (re: when I get bored of writing my usual stupid shit). If you want my take on a topic/issue just shoot me off a PM. And, no, I don’t know if the doctor dropped me on my head when I was born, so that one is out of the way.   Blog Plugs   • When he’s not rewriting history, Bored gave his opinion on NCAAs conference tournaments: He doesn't like them. I don’t follow college sports, but I watch the NCAA March Madness tournament. If conferences want to have some hippie post-regular season tournament, then let them. If anything, these tournaments seem to be a nice tune-up for the big tournament, and plus if some bubble team underachieved a bit in the regular season, they have the opportunity to make up for it by winning their conference tournament. Regarding “home court” advantages some teams have, eh, I really don’t care. Rotate the settings, but let them play.   Oh, and I don’t care about this hippie World Baseball Tournament, so your lineup looks fine to me.   • Lovecraft321 may not agree with me on politics, but we can agree on making fun of college hippies. When I used to live at Sappy Valley, these types were always in the middle of any demonstration, from legalizing drugs to lifting the Cuba embargo, and often made for great entertainment. However, instead of calling them “hippies” I prefer the term “pseudo hippie.” Basically, a pseudo-hippie is someone who protests the policies of a certain country (think sweatshops in some third-world country) but then isn’t able to pick out that country on a map. Another sign of pseudo-hippiness is when one of these cretins drive their parent’s SUV to some “Save the Planet” concert, or, better yet, their denouncement of talk radio while encouraging others to listen to “Rage Against the Machine” for the latest insight on how we’re being screwed over by The Man. The next time you come across one of their stupid rallys/protests/etc., look for the “Free Mumia” group that always populates these endeavors; it’s like playing a real-life game of “Where’s Waldo?” My personal highlight of interacting with these people came when some ugly skank (Or was it a really thing, long-haired guy? Who knows.) handed me a flyer telling me why Mumia should be freed. I took it, shoved it down my pants, did a few wipes (my briefs served as an effective barrier between the paper and the nether regions) and gave it back to her/him/it.   And the reason there are only white hippies is because all the black ones got thrown in jail after getting busted for smoking a joint.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

3/20: Coughing Up Some Bad Movies

• Ah the joys of relationships. Several days ago the better half got a cold, which of course was passed onto me just in time for the weekend. So as I spent my leisure time sweating one minute and shivering the next, there was another perk to this condition. Whenever we go to bed, she sounds like Kyle’s cousin from "South Park." If I’m not listening to her gurgle excess phlegm, I am awakened to her hacking a lung out several times a night. Tonight should be a joy.   • Thanks to Hawk 34 for pointing out that the first AFRICIAN-AMERICAN TO QUALIFY FOR A NASCAR RACE IN 20 YEARS finished an impressive 38th. Perhaps if there was a police car following him throughout the race, he would have finished with a better time. Actually, I think this guy will feel like an outsider for quite a while. Not because he’s black, but rather because he sounds quite articulate. No, this isn’t another “He speaks so well!” backhanded compliment that's given to a black person trying to fit in white society; he’s probably the most well-spoken NASCAR driver I’ve heard since, well, ever. Then again I don’t follow NASCAR, so maybe there are some other yankees who haven’t mastered the Southern drawl yet.   • And Hollywood wonders why people aren’t going to movies. Susan Sarandon is slated to play Cindy Sheehan in some hippie movie. Whoever makes this piece of crap deserves to lose the untold millions it would cost to produce.   • About a week ago I saw some of “The Simple Life,” and had no words to describe the horror I saw. I didn’t think there could be anything to top this. I was wrong. The sad thing this guy probably has a SAT score above 1300. I like the “Blue Collar” stand-up and all, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to a theater and shelling out $8 to watch some guy say “Git-R-Done” for 90 minutes. It would be interesting, though, just to see who does buy tickets to this film.   • When the World Baseball Classic concludes tonight, there will only be two players from Major League Baseball on display – pitcher Akinori Otsuka and outfielder Ichiro Suzuki. Big deal. The Pirates would kill just to get a hold of the South African roster. Oh, yeah. Go Japan; fuck those commies. Unless any want to defect after the game – then welcome aboard.   • And while I’m talking about March Madness, I have to give the Women’s Tournament props. They finally got someone to dunk. Uh, great, I guess. Then again, my vertical leaves something to be desired. On an unrelated story, a few years back I ran an office March Madness pool at work; if memory serves, I got about 70 people to pony up $1 and fill out their brackets. While an enjoyable experience and overall morale booster, the best part came when some feminazi asked me why I wasn’t doing a pool for the women’s tournament. I think my response of “What a great idea, and you’d only have to charge a quarter entry fee instead of $1,” didn’t totally offend her, but my ears were warm for the next 20 minutes or so.   Check that. The best part came when the chick who won the contest told me if it was OK that her husband was the one who filled out her bracket. While I didn't care who filled out these forms, it was fun giving her a guilty conscience for the next few days, especially since she was someone who cared about other people's feelings and well-being. Sucker.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

3/26: My Favorite Baseball Card Designs

If you don’t read Bored’s blog, which deals mostly with sports stuff, especially when it comes to nostalgia-related matters, then get your hippie ass over there now. While I’m not one for debating who was more deserving of seventh place for the 1991 Cy Young award (I don't even know who won it -- Jack Morris?), he recently said something that struck a chord with me. When debating which multi-millionaire deserved the 2003 AL MVP award, he remarked, “And god damn do baseball cards suck now or what?”   Yes they do. And thanks for the idea.   As a kid, I loved collecting sports cards, particularly those dealing with baseball and football. In the 1980s and early 1990s I actively took part in this hobby. However, after around 1993 I stopped collecting, mostly because it seemed that the industry went from collecting for fun to collecting for money. Packs of cards that used to cost 50 cents for a pack of 15 (and that gum – blech) went up to several dollars for a pack of less than 10 cards. No thanks.   I never collected cards for the money; I collected out of nostalgia. Now that I’m older, I’m grateful that I’ve managed to hold onto these little pieces of memorabilia. A few months ago I opened up my collection and went through some boxes, just to see how the cards are holding up, and I couldn’t get myself away from shuffling through thousands upon thousands of these cards. The last time I did any sort of “inventory” on my cards was in the late 1990s, and one of these days I need to go back and re-organize these bad boys.   Like I said, most of my collecting was done during the 1980s and early 1990s, but I also have a few cards from the 1970s and 1960s that I picked up at various shows and hobby stores over the years. However, for me the 1980s and early 1990s were a great time for collecting baseball cards, and below is a list of my favorite designs of this era. Keep in mind I do just about everything in life half-assed, so I have no real criteria or rhyme or reason for some of the years I prefer. The only rule I set was to make each of my “Top 5” from a different company. The reason for this is there are a few designs I like with similar layouts, so that’s kind of like double-dipping to me (see the 1986 and 1991 Donruss brands below).   Without further ado, here is my Top 5. Keep in mind the rankings are determined by an extremely complicated win-share formula that if I showed you I'd have to kill you.   Number 5:     1988 Score   I didn’t collect a lot of this brand, which came out toward the end of my collecting days, but I always liked the 1988 year, mostly because of bright color schemes on the front. Plus I liked that little triangle at the bottom where the player’s name and position is, and there was that white frame around the player's image; those were some nice touches. I give this a 20 win-share.   Number 4:     1990 Donruss   I was never a fan of Donruss cards, although like I said above, they had a design scheme in 1986 that I liked, which was used again (sorta) in their 1991 set. However, I also dug their 1990 design, which seemed to be a drastic change from how they usually produced their cards. Donruss went with a base red color and an artsy font for names. In addition, the “speckles” used as an enhancer effectively broke up the solid background. I give this a 35 win-share.   Number 3:     1990 Upper Deck   I have a love-hate relationship with Upper Deck. When these cards came out on the market, it was an omen that my days of being involved with this hobby were numbered. These cards were pricier than what I had been used to collecting, and there weren’t as many cards per pack, but damn there some nice-looking designs. The 1989-1991 sets all pretty much looked the same, so I went with the 1990 brand because it had a simpler design than the other two years, and when you dealt with cards that looked this good, sometimes it’s best to keep it simple. I give this a 75 win-share.   Number 2:     1987 Topps   Topps was the big dog of card companies during this time, but I never really got into their designs; most of the time they just seemed stale. However, 1987 was an exception. That wooden background brought out the colorful box where the player’s name was printed. Also, it was a near-perfect complement to the team logo, which was at the top left corner of the card. I give this a 76 win-share. (Originally I had the Topps brand at number 3 and Upper Deck at number 2, but upon further review I couldn’t let the brand that helped bring about my disinterest in the industry lounge in the second slot.)   Number 1: 1984 Fleer:     By far my favorite baseball card design, and I really can’t explain why. There was no real color coordination for teams, like the 1987 Topps or 1988 Score cards. There wasn’t a fancy background, like the 1990 Donruss brand, and it certainly wasn’t made of the same quality as the 1991 Upper Deck set. However, the white background meshes perfectly with the blue bars, and the white and black text is a great combination, as is the placement of the team’s logo on the lower right corner. This gets a 10,000 win-share for me.   Like I said before, there were a few other cards that I liked which didn’t make the cut. They include, in no particular order:     1986 Donruss     1991 Donruss (note the resemblance in design, or at least there is one for me)     1989 Fleer     1982 Topps     1990 Topps.   In addition, there was a 1988 Classic Card series that for some reason I’ve always liked, and it dealt with Phil Nieko’s final year in the major leagues. There’s one card featuring him on the Indians, another card of him pitching for the Blue Jays and a final card of him finishing off his career where it started, with the Braves.     But baseball cards weren’t the only things I collected. There was also football, a topic I’ll cover in a future entry.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

4/14: White Trash Hitting The Wal

So I was listening to some sports-talk radio yesterday when I heard a commercial featuring a sound clip from Toby Keith's new album and the following voice-over: “White Trash With Money is now at Wal-Mart.” Sounds like somebody got their tax refund check. It’s funny to hear all this Wal-Mart hate, because if this corporation was really despised that much, they wouldn’t make so much money. Unlike an EVIL~ corporation like, say Exxon, there are a lot more businesses in the retail industry than the fuel industry. Also, how much of a schmoe do you have to be to despise Wal-Mart and the way they do business but shop there in order to save 4 cents off a bottle of shampoo?   I’m not a Wal-Mart hater, but I’m trying to think back to the last time I did any shopping at one of these stores. After much thought and reflection, I’m pretty sure the last time I bought something from Wal-Mart was this pseudo-vacuum in November of 2005 for the basement. Why the reason for my “defiance” of this company that will soon take over the world? Location might have something to do with it, but an even bigger reason is that I don’t want to be around all the white and ghetto trash that populate these stores. Have you seen the people that shop there? Of course you have; it’s Wal-Mart, after all. I think the highlight for me was one time when this kid, who was a few fries short of a happy meal, was throwing a fit over something stupid (all kids do) and his redneck parents proceeded to scream at him louder than he was yelling at them. I love it when the kids win in these parents vs. children fights; always pull for the up-and-comer hick rather than the established white trash.   How could I forget this encounter? Years back I was in a Wal-Mart electronics department when this angry customer caught my attention. Because I love hearing what other people get pissed off about I lingered in the DVD section to hear his complaint. Was he upset because the store wouldn’t return a defective DVD even though he had a receipt? No. Did an employee tell him to “fuck off” when he asked the customer service representative to open the locked video game case? Don’t think so. Here is what the problem was: This guy recently bought a regular television set – wasn’t flat screen, High-Def, Plasma or anything like that; just a regular TV. Well, apparently he wanted to return the television because he wasn’t satisfied with it; he gave no specific reason. However, instead of getting another television of equal or lesser value, he wanted one that was about $200 more expensive. No, he didn’t want to exchange his old television for the new one and pay the difference, he wanted the more expensive set for FREE. Of course, the poor teen-age clerk didn’t know what to say. Many people hear stories of stupid customers and think they can prepare themselves for the encounter, but when they actually experience this stupidity, many times they are like a deer in headlights. Well, after 2-3 managers were called in, nothing was resolved. The guy was getting more and more pissed and the employees had no idea what to do about the situation. That’s when the customer said something that got him into my Stupid Customer Hall of Fame on the first ballot: “Wal-Mart guarantees customer satisfaction!” I burst out laughing and had to walk away because I couldn’t take any more. I’m not sure how this incident got resolved, but if the guy did get new television, hopefully he was standing in a bucket of water while trying to figure out the best outlet to plug in his new prize.   I guess I shouldn't be too hard on the people that frequent Wal-Mart. After all, going there and seeing the dregs of society can really boost your spirits if you're feeling a bit down on yourself. Seeing how I haven’t had to get my fix in some time, I guess I’m doing pretty well with myself.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

6:14: Busting Budgets, Squatters And Balls

• So I’ve been listening to this financial guy on RIGHT-WING RADIO Dave Ramsey for a while now, and it’s a pretty enjoyable show. Basically, he talks to people about their money matters. I don’t learn much, if anything, from this program, but goddamn are some of his callers funny. There was one the other day that was great. This lady called and said that her and the hubby have more than $200,000 worth of student loan debt between them. The husband went to law school, passed the Bar exam and then became a stay-at-home dad once they produced a little crumb snatcher. Sorry, but when you go to law school you don’t get to be a stay-at-home anything unless it’s a private practice. But the best part was when Dave asked her what she did for a living. She said that she spent more than $100,000 for her Master’s Degree education. And just what was that Degree in? Non-profit Money Management. You can’t make this shit up.   • Is it any surprise that more than a billion of dollars worth of fraud is now coming to light in wake of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath? I’m surprised the amount is that low. In a way I feel for the faceless administrators and pencil pushers that gave away this money like it was water, but not the kind that strands you on your rooftop. After all, if they actually took their time to research each claim and determine whether it was legitimate or not, they would get the third degree for being cold-hearted and dragging their feet while dead bodies were piling up in the Superdome freezer.   • Darryl Hannah, in a show of protest or something, climbed up some tree to prevent a private property owner from getting rid of this hippie garden where illegals grew crops or something. God forbid this guy do what he wants with HIS property. This sounds like another case for the Supreme Court. I think the funniest thing from all of this is that with the Hollywood celebrities who came to the garden’s defense (Hannah, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ed Harris and Martin Sheen to name a few), you think they could have all chipped in and purchased the land with the $16 million price its owner was asking for. However, the biggest story in all of this is that the Los Angeles Times actually wrote something I agree with.   Now you don’t read stuff like this everyday from this commie publication. Whatever could be the reason for this turn to common sense -- could they be trying to put a somewhat normal face on this rag to prospective buyers? Nah.   • And with all the shit that Philadelphia is dealing with – crime, poverty, failing government schools – it’s nice to know they’re going to come down hard on a guy operating a cheesesteak place just because he has a “Speak English when ordering” sign.   • Wow. The Poland/Germany World Cup game is on and Poland is trying to eek out a 0-0 tie. This would be a win for them because one of their players got red-carded earlier in the game. In the 90th minute two German players, just a few feet away from Poland’s goal, took point-blank shots and hit the crossbar each time. Well this all doesn’t matter because as I’m typing this Germany just scored. Having played several games of soccer as a kid, I can say giving up a goal in the waning minutes of a tied game is probably one of the worst feelings you can get when playing this sport. Well that or unsuccessfully trapping a rock-hard ball with your inner thigh in freezing weather without wearing a jock strap. I think the worst thing about that whole experience was I couldn’t just kneel over and cry, even though I wanted to more than anything else at that moment in time. After I cleared the ball from my area I tried “walking” the pain off. Didn’t work. Not by a long shot.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

7/17: Wilbon Don't You Be My Neighbor

• Why do I watch this shit? So I had PTI on and Wilbon and LeBa-retard had a segment about Lance Armstrong’s joke at the ESPYs regarding some guy from that Brokeback Mountain movie. I didn’t bother watching the ESPYs because, well, I don’t give a shit about this stupid “awards” show, but they played the Armstrong joke about how it was odd that this actor was sitting in the front because he usually likes it in the rear. Get it? He played a homo. He takes it in the ass. Anyway, the PTI segment was about if this joke was offensive. Wilbon said something that made me laugh more than Armstrong’s joke, which did get a chuckle out of me. Wilbon said the joke was funny and not offensive. LeBa-retard countered with what if the homosexual community is offended by the statement. Wilbon then said that if that was the case then he’ll defer to the homos, but in the meantime he won’t. Hey dipshit, you either think something is offensive or not. If GLAAD or the Buttpluggers of America send out a press release bitching about how Armstrong is a homophobe, you don’t go “Well maybe it was offensive after all.” You either think something is offensive or it isn't. Then again, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised an ESPN talking head is talking out both sides of his ass.   • First a Ravens linebacker gets stabbed. Now a Cowboys safety gets shot. Who would have thought it'd be safer for these people to be out on the football field running into other grown men at full speed than it would be to be out in publc?   • I talked a while back about this house across from me that has been vacant for a while. Well last week we got new neighbors. Last Tuesday I saw them walking out of the house, and since I my mailbox is next to their house (all the block’s mailboxes are on one side of the road) and introduced myself. I offered my assistance if they needed and left. I really don’t care for neighbors. I have no problem with them, but the thing is I’ve learned that there are a lot of people in this world that want to be left alone. Sure I’m one of these anti-social assholes, but only to a point. I mean, I won’t tell my neighbors to fuck off if they say “hi” to me, but on the other hand I’m not one of these people that likes to engage in stupid small talk. Fortunately, this usually keeps most people away from me, but I digress. Jst about anywhere I lived I had to deal with people that wanted to be left alone, which is fine. When I was in Sappy Valley we were surrounded by college students that did their own things, which is to be expected. In Ohio I lived in a townhouse community and we had one neighbor that shared our front porch who we got along great with. The problem was whenever she moved out due to divorce we had two different sets of tenants that were … interesting. The first one was a guy and his teen-age daughter. He smoked nonstop and you could smell the smoke from his place in our downstairs bathroom. His daughter was a piece of work, too. A few times she BLASTED her stereo at all hours of the morning, and you could always hear her screaming and swearing at her old man. These people didn’t last a year before getting evicted. On the other side of me was this single mom with two spazoid kids and a little yapping dog. I remember the names of the two boys and dog: Matthew, Alex and Baby. How do I know this? Because the mom would always yell at them at the top of her lungs. While the better half hated hearing every little skirmish through our walls, I found it funny as hell. Then when her trucker boyfriend came over we usually heard them having sex, which I actually liked listening to. No, not because I’m some perverted voyeur, but rather because the moaning only lasted for about 20 seconds. I’m not going to brag about my performance in the sack because I’m humble like that, but if you’re an adult male getting poon on a regular basis, you need to last longer than half-a-minute. Goddamn.   After moving from Ohio to Pennsylvania, we lived in a duplex with this guy and his girlfriend. The guy was a redneck who was at least two months behind on his rent; I tried getting along with him at first. However, after a short while I just decided, “fuck it” and kept to myself. This place I live at now is good enough for me. I don’t talk to my one set of neighbors with the loudmouth dog, and I get along just fine with the old couple that lives on the other side of my property line. I have no idea how I’ll get along with these new people – from what my old neighbor told me, the husband’s a worker at some half-way house and the wife is a teacher at the local government school. The fact the wife’s a public school teacher tells me there’s probably at least one Democrat in that house; we’ll see when election season comes around and the political signs start getting placed in front yards. I wonder if they will react the same way the previous tenants of that house will should I put a “Rick Santorum,” “Lynn Swann” or “Tim Murphy” (our Republican incumbent Congressman) sign in our yard? (For those that don't remember, these people would always talk to Mrs. kkk, until we put out a "Bush 2004" sign in our yard after they, and a few other neighbors put out Kerry signs.)

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

5/10: Not Lighting Up The Silver Screen

8:30 p.m.   • Oh for Christ’s sake. I heard about this a year or so ago during a local RIGHT-WING RADIO show, and now they’re actually going through with this.     6:30 p.m.   • Swift Terror talked about George Lucas calling “Spiderman 3” silly. I consider myself a Star Wars mark. I don’t care about all the books that took place after “Return of the Jedi.” I don’t care that Luke Skywalker ran a Jedi school while Leia popped out a few Solo babies. (I also have both volumes of that “Clone Wars” animated cartoon, and I like it.) Give me Episodes VI, V and VI. OK, you know what? I’ll even take Episodes I, II and III. Sure the prequels aren’t nearly as good as the pre-sequels, or whatever you call them, but it’s like voting for your political party even if you don’t care too much for the candidate or rooting for your hometown team no matter who is on the roster. It’s a blind loyalty for better or for worse, but before Lucas calls any of the Spiderman movies “silly,” he needs to look at himself in the mirror and ask...     E’ zOmE pEePlE gOiN’ DiE~!?   Actually, the two lines that make me cringe are “Jar-Jar, you in some big doo-doo this time,” and “I don’t care what plant you’re from, that’s gotta hurt.” (I probably don’t have them as exact quotes, but they’re close enough.)   And regarding the Spiderman movies. I’m not a comic book guy, but from my limited experiences with this industry, my four favorite characters are the Punisher, Batman, Sgt. Rock and Spiderman. And the Spidey movies have been solid. My only complaint has been that in the second film it seemed every other minute had some chick screaming at the top of their lungs, which got annoying quick. Hey, it’s a guy with metal arms. AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! Look, some train is going to crash into a dead end. AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! Uh oh, there’s a big ball of energy coming from that abandoned building down by the river. AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! But this inconvenience was more than made up for with J. Jonah Jameson (being a journalism student I really appreciate this character), Bruce Campbell (again) and that brief homage to Director Sam Rami’s “Evildead” days in the operating room.   11 a.m.   • Pirates 0, Cubs 1     :lol: :lol:   What, you're expecting some sort of commentary like other people here do? I'm surprised they are only four games below .500; it's a shame that my one friend from Ohio may be visiting this summer, thus forcing me to possibly head over to PNC Park. The things I do for some people.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

7/1: Taking Out Drive-Thru Workers, Mohammad Mouse, Capt. America

8:30 p.m.   • Holy crap. I'm glad I don't work drive-thru anymore. I'd probably be killed. And Penn Hills is not that far from where I live.     It’s kinda funny because the reason young chicks work cashier jobs is to put a pretty face out there so men won’t be as likely to bitch about their order. And forget about saying “thank you,” just get my order right and I’m good.   10 a.m.   • So last night there was supposed to be some big “walk out” at the Pirates game to protest the fact that this team is bad. And what happened?       You want to send a real message to management? DON’T GO TO THE FUCKING GAMES! Hell, I bet a number of these protestors probably bought snacks from the refreshment stands. I feel for you people because putting your heart into a team with 14 consecutive years of losing must feel pretty bad, but the funny thing is despite all this suck the Pirates still make a profit. In a way, you got to respect that.   Pirates management. It’s a lot like Hitler.     Remember, the Steelers pretty much did jack shit for 40 years before winning four Super Bowls during the 1970s. Only 26 more years to go, Bucco fans.   9:45 a.m.   • A final update on Mohammad Mouse. Now this is how a series finale should be done.   Here's the video.     • You know, I actually think this isn’t such a bad idea.     When I worked at the Quickie Mart, it was about that time when we had to really start carding people or else the Anti-Tobacco Gestapo would be hitting us well-to-do cashiers with fines and shit. We were told that we had to card anyone that looked younger than 27. But you have to be only 18 to purchase tobacco? Didn’t matter. Our magic number was 27. And you can imagine how great this went over with our customers. My usual answer to the responses below were something like, “Because I was told to card anyone that didn’t look 27 because Joe Camel is making our kids smoke.”   “OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS?”   “DO I LOOK 18?”   “THIS IS SO STUPID!”   “WHY DO I HAVE TO SHOW YOU MY ID?!”   Now seriously, I ask you: What is so difficult about pulling out your driver’s license? I’ve done it before with no problem. Hell, whenever I go to purchase alcohol, I have my ID out by the time I get to the register, and I’m older than the big 2-7. If it’s the LAW that EVERYONE has to whip out ID in order to purchase booze, and it makes the lives of the many cashiers in the great state of Tennessee easier, then I say why not.   9:30 a.m.   • Remember that shit a while back about OMG Captian America is dead? Peep the final paragraph.  

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

2/2/06: Steeler Stuff

There are only a few more days until Super Bowl XL, and like every other Super Bowl since 1990 I haven't tuned in to the usual media hype. Sorry, but half-a-month's worth of coverage leading up to one game is just too much for anyone to endure. I understand it's the "Big Game" and all, but come on already. I personally like the one-week wait from the Conference Championship games to the Super Bowl whenever it's been done, but oh well. Life goes on.   As a southwestern Pennsylvania resident, I am more privy to the latest inside info regarding this year's AFC champ. Below are some Steeler-related newsbytes.   • Today marks an annual event in southwestern Pa.; Groundhog Day. This "holiday" takes place in a small town named Punxatony that bases a large chunk of its tourism revenue around a rodent, who if he sees his shadow means we all have to deal with six more weeks of winter.   Well this year when the townspeople gathered around this groundhog, who is named Punxatony Phil, they made sure to wrap him up in a Terrible Towel. Now for those that don't know, the Terrible Towel is one of those golden obnoxious rags that Steeler fans wave around during a game. This device was conceived back in 1975 by a local sportscaster, and if you defaced one of these things at Heinz Stadium you would be lucky to walk away without any broken limbs.   As Phil made this year's prediction (he saw his shadow by the way), he tinkled in the Terrible Towel wrapped around him; he must be a Seahawks fan, which is odd considering if seahawks actually existed, Phil would probably be viewed more as dinner than a four-legged meteorologist by the bird.   Of course, Phil could have also been wondering what in the hell these crazy people were doing to him.   • Some of the idiotic callers this week on my local sports radio stations have been goofing on the Seattle area. While it only took about a day for the "all that's up there is rain and coffee" jokes to get old, there was one diss that made me laugh. Several callers have made fun of the Seahawk franchise for their less-than-stellar history in regards to winning. In fact, this is the first time ever in the team's 30-year history that it has reached the Super Bowl. Of course, what these callers seem to forget is that before the 1970s the Steelers never won a damn thing. In fact, from 1933-1971 the Steelers finished the regular season with a .500 record only 12 times and made the postseason game once, which they lost. Seattle, on the other hand, from 1976-2004, finished with a .500 record 16 times and made the postseason seven times.   • I have heard for years that the Steelers travel well, meaning whenever the team goes on the road to play a game there is usually a decent amount of fans cheering them at the other team's stadium. This isn't hard for me to believe. Is it because the Steelers fostered a devout following during their 1970s run where they won four Super Bowls in six year? Maybe. However, I think a more accurate reason is because the southwest Pennsylvania region has had its population leave the area en masse over the years, and these transplanted Pittsburghers have set up residence elsewhere throughout the country.   Whether or not my theory is correct, I have noted that during the weeks leading up to postseason games at Cincinnati, Indianapolis and now Detroit, there have been businesses in all of these regions advertising their restaurants/bars/hotels. I didn't hear a Denver-based business advertise before the Conference Championship game, but that doesn't mean it happened. I'm sure this happens in other cities, but the only other NFL city I have ever lived near to was Cincinnati, and that was before the Marvin Lewis era.   • Whenever the Steelers make the playoffs, the local newspapers always go to town regarding team coverage. This makes sense after all since people will purchase $1.50 Sunday edition just for the pin-up poster found in the special Sports section. Well, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has also encouraged Steeler fans to submit photos to show their support for the home team, and some of these pictures are, well, you decide. Here are my "top" choices.   Here, here, here, and here   • Now you may be thinking that Shittsburgh is going crazy because the Steelers are headed to the Super Bowl for the first time in a decade. Wrong. Steeler fans are always nuts, even when the team has a losing record. Last summer, long before this NFL season's opening kickoff, a fan passed away and was laid out for viewing sitting on a recliner, dressed in black-and-gold pajamas and facing a television playing Steeler highlights. The TV remote was, of course, in his hand, and beer and cigarettes were nearby.   Then again, if one is to pass away, this isn't a bad way to go out.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

2/4/06: Publication Predicament

Many choices I make in life I try to base on “principle.” One of them is where I get my news. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OMG FAUX NEWS LOL2006! Drudge’s sirens, red headlines and DEVELOPING exclusives! RIGHT-WING RADIO! In this instance I'm not talking about these particular media outlets; I am instead referring to the local newspapers in my area. In the Shittsburgh region, there are two “major” daily publications: the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. The Post-Gazette is by far the more widely read of the two. It also happens to be a liberal rag.   There are a lot of reasons why I can’t stand the Post-Gazette. One example is back in the late 1990s when the region faced a referendum on whether to increase the county’s sales tax by a fraction of a percent in order to help fund new stadiums for the Steelers and Pirates. Of course the Post-Gazette was all for this. During the months leading up to the vote, there was story after story about how great this tax was going to be for the region. However, there was one thing the Post-Gazette never seemed to mention: the fact that the newspaper owned a minority share of the Pirates. It’s interesting that this little tidbit was rarely, if ever, mentioned when it should have been noted in nearly every article about this tax increase so the reader could know about a potential conflict of interest. Of course when the referendum crashed and burned, despite the Post-Gazette and other tax supporters warning that the Pirates were going to move to another state, the stadiums were built anyway with a different source of funding. While the excuse made by the Post-Gazette was that their share in the Pirates was small, would they be just as understanding to a politician who was in a similar situation? (The answer, by the way, is "no.")   Another memory I have of the Post-Gazette took place more than a decade ago. This time the paper wrote a favorable editorial about the doubling of a toll for a local expressway, stating that commuters using this road should pay for the convenience. A few weeks later these same people wrote a negative editorial about a local bank raising its ATM service fee. Now besides the fact that the first fee increase was done by the government and the second increase was done by a private institution, what’s the difference between the two increases? Both are “service-oriented” tolls that can be avoided by a consumer, and both were of a similar amount (something like 50 cents). One just happened to make an evil corporation richer while the other paid for more construction workers to stand around a gravel pit and play with big machines.   A more recent oldie-but-goldie came when the Post-Gazette weighed in on the Kelo v. New London case that went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. Basically, this was an eminent domain situation where the State wanted to take the homes of residents and give the land to a private developer. In their praising of this decision, it’s interesting to note how the Post-Gazette labeled three of the Justices who dissented as “conservative” yet don’t use any adjectives to describe the five communists that said it’s OK for the State to take a person’s land and give it to someone else who will, in theory, generate more tax revenue, thus contributing to the “greater good” of an area.   When I decided to subscribe to a local newspaper I did not want to become a regular customer of the left-wing Post-Gazette. I turned to the Tribune-Review, a much more conservative publication funded by the “George Soros of the right-wing” Richard Mellon Scaife. I didn’t care much about the actual news content I was buying since I read on the Internet most of the wire articles both newspapers use. All I wanted was a Sunday newspaper so I could clip coupons and look through weekly circulars.   I ordered a year’s subscription to the Trib, and the service I received during those 12 months was less-than-stellar. My subscription was for Sunday newspapers only, and for the year I was a subscriber I didn’t receive my publication in at least eight instances. When it came time to renew my subscription, I decided to wait and see if the Trib would contact me and offer me some sort of deal because I certainly wasn’t going to pay full price for this pisspoor service. (My original offer was a discounted “new customer” promotion.)   After my subscription expired, I received some extra issues in the weeks that followed, which was expected. Whenever I got stiffed on my Sunday newspaper, I let the Trib home office know about it and they’d give me a credit. Well, this past week, I got a letter from the Trib. Was it an special offer to renew my subscription? No.   It was a bill for two month’s worth of newspapers delivered to my house.   Curious about this bill, I called the Trib and was told by a customer service representative that my subscription ran out and this fee was for the newspapers I received that weren’t part of my subscription. She added that unless I called the Tib and specifically told them not to renew my subscription, that they would assume I wanted my subscription renewed. Now I have subscribed to at least a half-dozen news publications in my lifetime, and whenever I decided not to re-subscribe I didn't have to call and tell them of my decision. When my subscriptions ran out at these other places, I simply stopped getting their publications.   When I told this lady how could the Trib have known what I wanted to do in regards to my account, she said that sending issues to people that haven’t re-subscribed was company policy. I then told her that these Sunday newspapers stopped arriving at my house more than a month ago, thus showing me the Trib must have realized that I no longer wanted their service; otherwise, I would be still getting newspapers. I encountered an extended pause, followed by “I’m sorry,” to which I replied, “No, I’m sorry because the Tribune-Review will never have me as a regular subscriber again.”   Now what am I to do? Go to the liberal rag in town for my weekly coupons or stick with the right-wing tabloid that screwed me out of a few bucks? Well, unless I get a subscription deal from either publication, I will just drive down to a local business that sells newspapers (there are several located less than a mile from my house), and get whatever one is available.   This week, the Post-Gazette’s early Sunday edition is my coupon-clipper of choice. I’m still deciding on whether or not to read the editorial page, though.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

2/8/06: Millions Of Condoms, 10 Choice Jobs

• No wonder George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people –– look at how he was treated at Coretta Scott King’s funeral. Even though she was the dead one at this house of worship, it seemed that some of the speakers at the event were trying to bury the President of the United States. Culprit A was Rev. Joseph Lowry when he said, "We know now that there were no weapons of mass destruction over there. But Coretta knew, and we know, that there are weapons of misdirection right down here.” Culprit B was former president Jimmy Carter, who wasn’t much better by bringing up “secret wire tapping” along with racially charged drivel about Hurricane Katrina.   These two dipshits said what they did with the intention of belittling the president, who was seated nearby and had to take these insults with a smile. Didn’t these people learn anything from the Paul Wellstone memorial a few years ago? Keep the insults coming, I say, and watch Bush look like a sympathetic figure more and more each and every time.   • Here's what I don't get about Democrats. Hitlery is the latest lib to say that Republicans are playing the "fear card" of terrorism to win elections. And just what in the blue hell does your party do, senator? Whenever election season comes around, what exactly do you call saying that the GOP wants to starve children, throw the elderly in the gutter, pollute the planet, cut social security, slash Medicare, encourage hate crimes, among other things? I'll save my left-leaning friends the trouble of hitting the Fast Reply button and typing in "I call it the truth -- lolz."   • A list of the top 10 tech jobs was recently released, and after looking at this list I must agree with these rankings, considering I have no idea what most of the job titles mean.   • Monday Night Football is not only moving to a new station, but it's also getting a new announcing team. Replacing Al Michaels and John Madden will be Joe Theismann, Tony Kornheiser and Mike Tirico. Eh. Don't really care. I was probably one of the only people in this world that didn't mind the Sunday Night crew of Theismann, Mike Patrick and Paul Maguire, although it wouldn't have killed them to say a team they were commenting on was "average" or "not quite up to playoff caliber." Even though I have some issues with Michael Wilbon, I wouldn't mind having him replace Theismann in this lineup. This way we could listen for three hours of him and Kornheiser bicker back and forth, much like they do on “Pardon The Interruption.” However, I'd be sure to have the TV on mute whenever the Philadelphia Eagles are slated to appear during a telecast; the knob-slobbing of Donovan McNabb would be too much, even for Patrick to bear.   • The Brazilian government is planning on passing out 25 million condoms during the country's Carnival holiday, which is scheduled to start on February 25. Two things: 1) Even though the rate of failure among condoms is debated, let’s just assume for this instance that the failure rate is three percent. That means if you go to this festival, get a rubber from the government and do your thing, you could have one of the 750,000 that won’t stop your boys from getting out, or from anything else getting inside of you. 2) I wouldn’t eat government cheese, why would I slide something onto my winky that was given to me by the State?   • So there I was scouring the Internet looking for a photo of Britney Spears driving around with her kid sitting on her lap when I came across this blurb: “The paparazzi came to Britney Spears aid this week when the car which she was driving broke down on a busy road in Malibu. According to reports, Spears was driving her husband's Ferrari near her Malibu home when it suddenly cut out, leaving her stranded on a very busy highway.”   Her husband’s Ferrari? Uh-huh.   Oh, and here is that stupid picture.   • So USA Today is speaking out against those who are cowering in the face Muslims offended by cartoons. In a February 8 editorial titled, “Shameful Appeasement, the article says, “What's clear is that East and West are not just cultures apart, but centuries, and that certain elements of the Muslim world would like to drag us back into the Dark Ages. What is also clear is that the West's own leaders, both in Europe and the USA, as well as many of our own journalists, have been weak-spined when it comes to defending the principles of free expression that the artists in Denmark were exploring.”   Now after reading this editorial, you would think that USA Today would stand in solidarity with its Global Media brethren and show it’s readers what the fuss is all about with these drawings? In a February 7 USA Today’s Life section column, Deputy World Editor Jim Michaels said, "(At USA Today) we concluded that we could cover the issue comprehensively without republishing the cartoon, something clearly offensive to many Muslims. It's not censorship, self or otherwise.”   • And speaking of these offensives cartoons, I have come up with a way to bring everybody together on this issue. Maybe even Allah will chill out for a few minutes before getting mad at us infidels again.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

3/23: The Best of RIGHT-WING RADIO (Part IV)

And down the final stretch I come. For those that don't know I'm commenting on people I know from this hippie list. If you want to read parts I-III then go to 3/11, 3/10, and 3/8.   I saw number 51 Doug McIntyre on Dennis Miller's short-lived CNBC show, and I liked him whenever he was on that Varsity panel.   52-53: Never heard of 'em.   Never listened to number 54's Mitch Album's radio show, but I see/hear him from time-to-time. That's enough for me.   55-60: Now I'm cruising – most of the rest of this list will probably be local people that aren't local in my market.   The only exposure I have received from the occupiers of the 61 spot (Bob & Tom) is from their television commercials. That is enough for me.   I don't hate Thom Hartmann, who is at 62, because he's a commie. I hate him because he was one of the people that were part of the "new" WPTT, which as a result bumped Boortz. Bastards. I listened to him once for about 5 minutes, laughed and switched back to Rush.   63-76: It says Tom Sullivan fills in for Rush, but with the exception of Walter Williams, I change the channel when there are fill-in hosts.   Now we're getting somewhere. Number 77 Fred Honsberger is a guy I have listened to on KDKA since 1994. When I was away from Shittsburgh from '99-'03, one of the few things I missed from that place was his radio show. "Honzman" is a perfect example of how local radio can compete with the evil CLEAR CHANNELS of the world. It's simple. Have an entertaining show. Fred's program goes up against Hannity in my market, and if Honsberger is taking calls from stupid union workers who loathe the Wal-Marts of the world, there is nothing more entertaining for my ears. Ever since WPGB started up, Fred's show has become a bit more "newsy," which means a lot more boring interviews. When this happens, I usually turn on Mark Madden's local sports show (Yes, that Mark Madden) or, if I'm feeling lucky, turn on Hannity and pray he's worth listening to for the next 20 minutes or so.   The second Shittsburgher on this list is number 78, Jim Quinn (with part-time sidekick Rose). I remember listening to this guy as a kid when he was a Top 40 DJ on some pop radio station called B-94 with a guy named Banana Don. Then Quinn got canned over some sexual harassment lawsuit by this chick that used to read the news. He then got on the RIGHT-WING RADIO bandwagon in the early '90s, when the market wasn't as saturated. Since then he has carved out a nice little niche for himself in the morning, and when he moved to WPGB after being on another station for a decade, he got a few more stations to broadcast his morning show from in Pennsylvania, Ohio and West Virginia. The show itself isn't that great because most of what he does is read articles that other people wrote, but what else am I going to listen to early in the morning? Besides, he has this sound clip that he treats like Rush's old "caller abortions." It's the sound of someone ululating followed by an explosion; this sound clip was packaged as a key chain last year that was called the "Mobile Martyr," and yes, I bought one. The funny thing is this thing goes off whenever it wants, and there have been a few times I blew up a Palestinian youth when I didn’t mean to, much to the chagrin of some strangers around me.   Oh, and Quinn's old partner, Banana Don? He got canned a few years ago when Howard Stern moved to 93.7 FM.   79: Steve who? Next.   When I lived near Cincinnati, I didn't listen to number 80 Bill Cunningham, who was on WLW, a station I didn’t frequent (WKRC was my RIGHT-WING RADIO station of choice in Cincy), but I've heard him on Hannity's show as a guest, and I'd rather listen to Bill from 3-6 p.m. than Sean.   81-91: Dunno.   Like Cunningham, number 92 Mike McConnell was on WLW I didn't listen to him while living in Cincinnati. However, he also has this syndicated weekend show, and whenever I'm doing errands in the car, I make sure to tune him in. Good stuff.   93-95: Let’s skip Chip and friends.   The last person I know on this list is Bruce Williams (96), and I used to listen to him all the time while living in Sappy Valley. Basically, he's an old guy who gave all kinds of advice. My one former co-worker thought this would be an intellectual show, but in fact it was just the opposite. It was like Dr. Laura for people too cheap to get legitimate legal/financial assistance. There are two calls that I still remember after all these years. One dealt with a guy who wanted to buy a business from someone else (I think it was a pizza shop, but I’m not sure). He said that the seller claimed the business made a certain amount of money "on the books," which wasn't an impressive sum, but "off the books" it made a killing. He then asked Bruce if this was a good investment. Bruce responded with “So you’re going to take somebody’s word that his business, which is a failure on paper, makes money illegally?” Can’t remember what the caller said, but I don’t think he went with this investment opportunity. The other caller was some lady that got a $10,000 deposit in her bank account. She spent it all, and about a week later some bank from Canada told her the deposit was a mistake and that they wanted the money back. Bruce said to the lady, "Do you always spend money that's in your account which you didn't put there?" Her answer? "Yes."   97-100: The End.   Now there were a bunch of names off this list that were mentioned, but I don't feel like talking about any of them. Although I have to note that Lynn Cullen, a local Shittsburgh personality, isn't on this list -- so, WPTT, you took off Boortz, who's ranked NUMBER NINE on this list for someone who isn’t even featured? Go to hell, you joke of a radio station. Hell yeah I'm still bitter about this.   And also, why isn't Paul Harvey on this list?! The guy's more than 80 years old and is still pimping.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

5/30: Which Holiday Is King For Overindulging?

• For the longest time I always had Thanksgiving pegged as the one day of the year where gluttony was king. I think I’m starting to re-think this position after my Memorial Day cookout this year. A few weeks ago my local grocery store had specials on chicken, pork and steaks, so naturally I stocked up ($50+ worth of meat for less than $25 – w00t). Yesterday, with two charcoal grills going, I turned this dead flesh into beefy goodness. Not only did I eat myself sick, but also there are six chicken breasts, eight steaks and six chops in the refrigerator just waiting to be devoured. I’m glad I took today off from work, because I need the extra 24 hours before going back in order to digest everything I consumed. On a semi-related subject, some people are propane grillers while others are charcoal. For me, it has to be the latter. Not only do I not trust myself anywhere near a propane tank (I’m surprised I haven’t set my property on fire yet with the way I handle lighter fluid), but all that dirt and grit you get with charcoal is what makes the food all the more flavorful. When the better half and I bought this house, it came with an “installed” propane grill which hasn’t seen the light of day except for the few times the win has blown its cover off.   In regards to Sunday’s “redneck” cookout I talked about in my previous entry, I guess it went better than expected; especially since the crack-whore sister-in-law was there, along with the test-tube bunch. We arrived, ate and left: total time spent – two hours. Sadly, there’s one “normal” family that comes to this event, and they arrived just minutes before Mrs. kkk and I were leaving. The odd thing is that this family is having marriage trouble – the wife doesn’t even wear her wedding band – yet the other trolls that we meet at this get-together aren’t going to split up anytime soon. While on the subject of cookouts, I don’t understand the point of bringing anything other than dead animals to these functions. I will never touch a vegetable, sans corn on the cob, when the aroma of burgers, steaks or chicken lingers in the air. At the “family” cookout there was taco salad, potato salad and egg salad – none of which I touched. Hell, looking at this runny shit was bad enough. I guess the best way to describe this in-law cookout is to think back to that one joke Jeff Foxworthy made in one of those “Blue Collar Comedy” specials. He said the moment you get in your car from a family reunion you look at your wife and ask how you’re related to those people. You then go on to add, “That little one just ain’t right,” which, oddly enough, was what I was thinking Sunday after seeing one of the rug rats there attempt to play a trombone. Fortunately, I was able to leave before he was able to figure out which hole to blow into in order to create noise.   • The Indianapolis 500 has came and went, and this year Richard Petty, who said some not-so-nice things about women and racing, stirred up a bit of trouble. "I just don't think it's a sport for women," Petty said. "And so far, it's proved out. It's really not. It's good for them to come in. It gives us a lot of publicity: It gives them publicity. “But as far as being a real true racer, making a living out of it, it's kind of tough.” Chalk me up as one of those that wonder if he’s even heard of Danica Patrick. As long as women don’t get any special treatment, I don’t care who’s driving in those cars. I have also heard some grumblings since Patrick raced in last year's Indy 500 that the sport was pimping her over other drivers. Well no shit. Instead of bitching about this, all the male drivers ought to be thanking her for the added publicity. Oh, and when given the chance to respond to Petty’s comments, Patrick did the smart thing and didn’t say much about it. After all, I’m sure the ESPN PC machine will do all the dirty work for her.

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

6/15: Supermarket Scanner Spokesman

The last few trips to the grocery store were rather normal for me, and I was starting to get worried that my usually fun excursions to Giant Eagle were no more. Today let me know I still had my magic touch. While getting my personal shopping scanner (for those that don’t know what I’m talking about, look here) this couple was trying to get theirs turned on. The problem was they didn’t scan their Giant Eagle Advantage Card, which activates one of these scanners for you. As I began stocking up on grocery bags, I knew they would be asking me how I got mine activated. Sure enough, once I got my scanner started, they looked at me with the same look cavemen gave a companion who had just rubbed two sticks together for several hours and created this red, hot thing. After giving them a brief tutorial on the joys of the Giant Eagle’s Personal Shopper Scanner, I went off to do my shopping.   My first stop at the grocery store is always the produce section, which is where the better half usually buys some fruit that ends up spoiling because she never finishes what she starts. Since she wasn’t with me today, I was able to get some stuff on sale, so the eventual trip these perishable items will take into the garbage can won’t piss me off as much. While I was bagging some bananas this old guy just walks up to me and says, “Look at what these people (Giant Eagle) are trying to get away with.” He proceeded to tell me that even though Giant Eagle has a certain brand of potatoes “on sale,” two 5 lb bags for $5, there’s another brand right next to the “bargain” potatoes that were in 10 lb bags for $3.99. I responded, “Well maybe someone would just want to buy one 5 lb bag of potatoes for $2.50.” He then gave me this evil look left in a huff. Fuck you, you old bastard. I’m with you on the fact that people don’t read price labels all that carefully, but don’t get your diapers in a knot just because I dared exercise some independent thought that went above and beyond your “In my day during the Depression I could get a full tank of gas for a dime, and the station attendant would change my car’s oil and rotate my tires at no additional charge.” I actually like it when these old bastards complain about the cost of everything nowadays, because that’s the perfect time to remind them “in those days you only made a quarter a week.”   Finally, after I finished my shopping and was paying for everything at personal shopper checkout aisle, this other old guy began asking me about that scanner I used to ring up my groceries with. I proceeded to spend about five minutes explaining to him the same things I went over with the couple in the first paragraph. But hey, I don’t mind. Everyone’s got to learn sometime. And besides, doing acts of charity like showing someone how to use a scanner evens out (or at least I hope it does) the bad karma I accumulate for the other times when I’m a bastard.   Speaking of being nice, on the drive home from work today, there was another old guy who was trying to get into my lane from a parking lot next to me. Seeing how we were at a stoplight, I made the motion for him to get in front of me. When he did this, I saw what this old bastard had for bumper stickers. From right to left: “Kerry/Edwards,” “Seniors for Kerry,” and “I did NOT vote for Bush.” Had I only received this information beforehand he would have not had such an easy time of trying to get back on Rte 30. Actually, I feel sorry for people that get mad after seeing a pro-candidate bumper sticker for someone they wouldn’t vote for in a million years. When I had my Bush bumper sticker in my rear window back in ’04, I didn’t get any reaction, which surprised, and disappointed, me because I drive through some extremely pro-Democrat areas to and from Shittsburgh. I did have one guy give me a “thumbs up” however; he had a Bush sticker on his car, too. And while I’m talking about bumper stickers, I wonder if people will get the joke if I put a “Run Hillary Run” bumper sticker on the front of my car come 2008 should the Beast get the Democrat nomination?

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

 

6/18: Pulling The Trigger On #84

KKK's Top 103 Posters   Number 84: Crono T   Every now and then a poster comes around that changes everything, that rewrites all the rules. With the number 84 spot I proudly announce the emergence of one CronoT. Now I know what you're saying, "How in the hell did Crono make this oh-so-prestigious list?" The answer is simple. Not many people have been able to produce the kind of quality than our very own Mr. T used to. Let us take just a brief trip down memory lane.   -- Czech, I'm tired of your fucking power trip.   -- A fucking moron writes a GTA:SA "Walkthrough."   -- Commenting about the view-to-reply ratio of his threads. Example 1, Example 2, Example 3, Example 4, Example 5, and Example 6   -- Not being able to survive without TSM during Monday Night Raw.   -- Looking out for the welfare of our children by fighting televised obscenity.   -- Weeping over a very emotional flash movie.   -- Going after illegal video game distributors at your local mall.   -- Refusing to take part in America's civic duties.   -- When not bulking up by pushing shopping carts back into Wal-Mart stores, Crono was making fun of the Sony corporation for premature advertising.   While some are glad Crono is gone, I am not one of these people (although there are rumors that he has returned under a different name, however, it won't be the same). Hell, it's not everyday that someone on this list gets their very own entry. And if it wasn't for Crono T, I would have no idea what the "Frog Ending" means. So, with a tip of the cap and a moment of silence, let us take this time to remember a former cornerstone of our TSM family.           When you're good enough to get the Best Ending, the Frog Ending, and the Secret Ending, then we'll talk. Until then, keep on digging, Watson.   And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.   From SFA Jack:   From Porter:   From King of the 909:

kkktookmybabyaway

kkktookmybabyaway

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