9:15 p.m.
• I’m sure there are a few things being left out of this story, but for now I’ll say go ahead and sue. Look, it’s rated R and the kid is 12. She wouldn’t be allowed to watch this film by herself in the theaters, so at the very least her parents/guardians should have been alerted ahead of time by the government school that this film was going to be shown.
Like I said above, I’m sure there is something being left out: they only saw some snippet of the movie that had no indication of which cowboy was pitching and which one was catching. Now that I think about it, my one horticulture teacher in high school played a few R-rated movies, but we were all 15-17 years of age, not 12. Actually, we had one black/Indian/whatever kid in our class who was a star on our basketball team, and there was a film playing where some kid gets stranded in the jungle and was being raised by monkeys. When there was a scene with several chips screaming, some kid (and no it wasn’t me) said to this kid “there’s your mom.” Ah, juvenile humor. Shit, who am I kidding, I’d laugh at that now. When I was a freshman in high school we had some Iranian-or-close-enough kid who got razzed by one of his friends in class during the first Gulf War when he was asked if his house got bombed last night. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. R-rated movies. Our high school (or was it middle school? Christ I can’t remember) played “The Goonies” as a pre-Christmas break assembly one year, and some parent got pissed off because it was “inappropriate.” Not sure what became of it, but we didn’t watch one of those “American Tale” movies the next year, which was the big rumor. I remember a few times as a kid when “Ghostbusters” was played, much to the chagrin of some parents. Wow, and to think back then the line, “This guy has no dick” was big shit.
• And speaking of R-rated movies, I HATED carding people at the theater, although it was amusing to ask a group of teens for a driver’s license and none of them would have one available, which was odd because someone had to drive them. I never really got a good response to this question. I didn’t really care if some 16-year old wanted to see “Scream” without mom or dad with him, but my Nazi managers would, so I had to do what I did to keep from getting nagged out. Besides, it’s not that hard to buy a PG-13 ticket and then slip into the R-rated film minutes later. Now where am I going with this? Who know, who cares.
• So JJ had to get a bath yesterday. I don’t know why the better half insists on washing him, because after a day or so he stinks again. There’s nothing you can do about it – that’s how he was made and that’s how he will be. But no, we humans try to defy nature. Well, yesterday JJ for some reason trotted into the bathroom right as Mrs. kkk was getting the shampoo and towels out. This gave us the chance to isolate him in the bathroom rather than chasing him all over the house. The second the door closed he knew the jig was up and began crying at the top of his lungs. Jesus Christ. He then began scurrying around the bathroom, like that would help. Once there was some water in the tub it was time for JJ to take his dip.
• I thought we were over nitpicking animated/G-rated movies after the “outrage” over “The Lion King” and its RACIST overtones, what with the evil hyenas being black and all, but apparently I was wrong. Now these family films are SEXIST. According to some hippie study, male characters outnumbered female characters 3-to-1 overall in the top-grossing G-rated films from 1990-2004. From the article: "Joe Kelly, co-founder of Dads & Daughters, said as much as he loves 'Toy Story,' the study made him think about the movie differently. The movie has a positive message about two characters - Tom Hanks' Woody and Tim Allen's Buzz Lightyear - overcoming their differences and working together, but it does have a flaw, Kelly said. 'It wasn't until the study that I went back and realized there's only one toy that's a female character, and it's Bo-Peep. She's standing at the window going, 'Oh, Woody, don't hurt yourself,'" Kelly said. "Not that I want 'Toy Story' to be changed. I don't think there should be any sort of gender formula. But there are other movies to be made with powerful messages featuring female characters.'
Well, whenever a kid's movie featuring a strong female character, see it a bunch of times in the theater and buy the 20 DVD versions that come out. Give movie studios a reason to make more of the same. And while you’re at it, go produce a study comparing the ratio of male-to-female evil characters on Lifetime Movies of the Week.
While there are too many men in kid’s movies, apparently there aren’t enough in the doll world. After a two-year absence, Ken is going back to Barbie. I’m not too keen on the life and times of dolls, but from what I read these two kids split up after more than 40 years of cohabitation (I'm surprised they last this long, what with Ken missing some essential parts to his male anatomy). To add insult to injury in this breakup, Barbie took off with a new Aussie mate named Blaine. But now Ken is back on the scene. What was he doing all this time? Well, according to the N.Y. Times, "Ken, heartbroken, traveled the world in search of himself, making stops in Europe and the Middle East, dabbling in Buddhism and Catholicism, teaching himself to cook and slowly weaning himself off a beach bum life."
I’ll say this: These toys have more back story than a number of movies I’ve recently seen.
Even though I’m poking fun at Barbie (and making fun of Ken’s inability to “poke” at Barbie, as well), I do feel pity for them. After all, with more and more kids avoiding toys that don’t need a microchip or URL, playing with dolls or action figures seems to be going the way of the dinosaur. I hate to sound like an old-timer, but back in my day, even though I spent way more time with my Atari 2600 than I should have, there was always a place in my heart for playing with my Star Wars action figures in the backyard.
• Look, I get that Democrats don’t like President Bush, but is it really necessary for Howard Dean to say things like “"All we ask is that we not turn into a country like Iran where the President can do anything he wants"? You are aware that in another in 2-3 more years Bush will be leaving the presidency forever. Now if he stays in the Oval Office past 2008 then I’ll join Howie and Harry Reid in calling for W.’s removal from office. But until then, can you please lay off the “dictator” talk; say he’s a miserable failure, say he sucks, say he doesn’t care about women, minorities and the poor, but please stop with whining about how we’re turning into some Third-World country where the person in charge stays that way until he A) dies, or B) is overthrown. Saying stuff like this only makes you guys look silly.
On second thought, keep up the good work.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 101: EricMM
I was on the fence a bit with whether or not to include Eric in this oh-so-prestigious list, but it's not because he’s a commie. In fact, there are a number of lefties at TSM (and at the Other Place) who I get along with just fine (or at least I think I do). However, Eric suffers from time-to-time with one of the more annoying traits some in his camp have – It’s the old “If you disagree with me then you’re just ignorant” syndrome. Hell, he nearly shit his drawers one time when he learned that I set the grass clippings from my yard out for the garbage man to pick up rather than using this precious Mother Earth resource as some sort of fuel-generating product to power windmills. However I shouldn’t be too negative on Eric because I think he’s just a product of his environment (pun intended); you can’t expect some greenie weenie to just change his colors overnight. And besides, we share some common ground on other issues, like, um, making fun of low-carb dieters. Oh, and we also like the Clone Wars cartoons. Also, he can crack a good joke every now and then, which is why in the end I decided to recycle my original thought of putting him on the list. So there you go, you little green bastard.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Carnival:
From SFAJack:
• Back in the ’88 Vice Presidential debate Lloyd Bentsen told Dan Quayle that he was “No Jack Kennedy.” Well, now Quayle is “No Lloyd Bentsen." That's because Quayle’s still alive. LOLZ. Actually, from what I remember and read about Lloyd, I’d gladly take him over just about every Democrat, and quite a few Republicans, that are in office today.
• Here’s something that’s getting on my nerves: the dipshits making jokes about people not being able to find OLN on their cable line-up so they can watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Like it’s so hard to go on the TV Guide channel and figure out what station the Mighty Ducks/Oilers game is on. I know humans are lazy and stupid, but jeez. And I say go OLN – just because ESPN has a stranglehold on sports programming doesn’t mean every league has to bend over for them. Is the NHL not getting as much exposure by choosing OLN over ESPN? Yes. But it’s not like they were getting monster ratings when they were on ESPN for all those years anyway.
• I'm watching the Ducks/Oilers Game 3 and right after the early 1st Period brawling when several members of the Ducks were in the penalty box, this Oilers fan has a sheet taped to the glass with the line, "I'd rather be golfing" in a bubble (that you see when comic characters are thinking) behind one of the players. I love hockey fans from Canada.
11 p.m.
• So Warrior was on Hannity and Colmes tonight. Do I need to say anything more? And good job Alan for defending the fans' right to boo during high school games against those two commies that you had on an earlier segment of the show. I can understand not wanting fans to swear and throw shit onto the field, but to not let people go "booo" during a free throw or a fourth-and-goal situation? Get out of here.
• I'm sure there's a Bill Clinton joke to be made here, but it's late and the KFC I had earlier tonight has me wanting to go on the disabled list. Why oh why do I think eating this shit is a good idea? And to make matters worse, I think I chipped a tooth way in the back. Eh, I don't use those ones anyway.
• So ESPN is doing these hippie "Day in the Life of" segments with athletes and I just saw one today featuring Jeff Garcia. Got married, eh? To a playmate no less. N*gga plz. I don't care if you like to toss the pigskin without a glove, but dude you're not fooling ANYONE with that performance.
10:30 p.m.
• Yeah, and then when the price of flags triple, these same people that want Old Glories made in the USA will bitch about the cost.
Yep. My state can't get so-called property tax reform in gear (which won't do anything for homeowners anyway), but we can work on this type of shit. Uh oh, I hope this doesn't make me a terrorist.
4 p.m.
• So I just got home from work and turned on ESPN, which just started an "Outside the Lines" story. What what it? Oh Christ, I missed the lead-in, but they're talking pardons, probably because of the Scooter Libby story mentioned below. Tim to hear about Willie Mays Aikens again.
For those that don't know, peep the Wik. For those too lazy, here's a rundown. Get it? Baseball, rundown? LOL2007.
Gag, I really hate this puff piece, which I have seen at least three times already. So you and Cal Ripken Jr. feel you served enough time? That's nice. Hey, don't want to be locked up until 2012? Here's hint. You ready? OK, here it is...
Don't sell crack to an undercover officer!
12:30 p.m.
• So W. just gave Scooter Libby a pseudo-pardon.
Whatever. Like I’ve said before when commenting on this situation, I don’t care. Of course I’m sure Democrats will say this is an OUTRAGE, but unless Libby is shares a cell with to Sandy “is that a classified document in your pants or are you just happy to see me” Burglar, I’m not paying attention. I previously commented that this is like the Republicans' Lewinsky-gate, but after seeing a few of Valerie Plame’s pics...
...I’d rather the roles were reversed and we were instead talking about Val giving oral pleasures. Yeah, I know she’s a whackjob, but it’s hard for her to bitch about “OMG MY TOP-SECRET COVER WAS EXPOSED” when her mouth is already full (or in my case, somewhat occupied).
8:45 a.m.
• So after mowing the lawn yesterday afternoon I noticed that there was still time to catch my niece-in-law’s championship softball game. I figured what the hell and went. Even though they lost by a score of 16-7, it was no worse than being in attendance at a Pirates game. And, oddly enough, her team was actually in the game –– except for that one inning where the other team scored 5 runs. And those other two innings where the other team scored 4 runs. Oh, and the parents weren't that bad. In fact, they were rather supportive –– even when someone on the other team made a good play.
Got home from work. Mowed the lawn. Attended some pee-wee sporting event. Makes me actually feel like an adult. Blech.
What is wrong with some people?
Yesterday afternoon I headed over to Kmart to pick up an early edition of a Sunday newspaper; I felt like browsing through the weekly circulars and coupons early. When I arrived, I took one newspaper and then scoped out which aisle would be the shortest wait. Even though this store had more than a dozen checkout lines, only three were in service. The first aisle had a line three deep, and the old lady with a number of clothing and cleaning items was in the midst of writing a check. The next open aisle wasn’t much better, but the third one looked to have the most promise. Even though there were about a half-dozen people occupying this aisle, they were one white-trash family, and their purchase didn’t look to be that big. Then of course the other three heathens from this clan brought their items up to the register. No problem, though. I scanned the magazine/booklet selection and started reading a “Cats for Dummies” booklet.
Whenever you have the opportunity, I recommend you start reading materials off the shelf while waiting in a long checkout line. Not only does it pass the time away, but if you’re lucky enough you can browse through the latest edition of the Weekly World News. Of course this line took much longer than I had expected, but it wasn’t a terrible wait. However, if I ever planned on making a quick purchase, I surely didn’t want to spend an inordinate amount of time waiting in line to make a simple transaction. I think that’s what pisses me off about waiting in lines sometimes. You stand there for what seems like an eternity while some old had tells the cashier she has “exact change” but then spends 20 minutes going through her purse to find it. Or, like in this situation, you’re stuck behind some redneck or ghetto family that has zero organization when it comes to paying for a bill that involved several children piling up anything they thought they could get away with on the conveyor belt. But I digress.
So of course my transaction took about 10 seconds to complete, and then I noticed this store had a special lottery/cigarette section where some lady was selling Instant Win lottery games to a customer. This intrigued me because this section’s service light wasn’t turned on. After this customer was taken care of, I approached the cashier and asked if I was to make a small purchase such as a newspaper if this lottery station would be able to make the transaction, so I wouldn’t have to wait in a long line. The reason I asked this is because I remember what it was like for stupid customer to just go up to an empty checkout line and expect someone to wait on them there. Well after I made this inquiry, the following conversation transpired.
“Yes, if you have a small purchase you can take it here or at the customer service desk if they’re not busy.”
“OK. Thanks. The reason I asked was because your register’s light wasn’t on, and I didn’t know if this was a full-time register or not. I don’t come in here that often and didn’t know Kmart’s policy on this sort of thing.”
“That’s not a nice thing to say!”
“What are you talking about?”
“You saying you don’t come in here often.”
”Well I don’t. Maybe if you guys had the lowest prices on your merchandise I’d come in more.”
“Just leave.”
“Fine. And you can kiss my ass on my way out.”
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with some people? I said I don’t come into Kmart all that often and you throw a shitfit? (And no, she wasn’t kidding when she said, “That’s not a nice thing to say!”) I have nothing against Kmart, but I wouldn’t buy my clothes there, and many times the products they offer are not the lowest price in the area. When I worked retail jobs and someone would make a smart-ass remark I’d just stand there straight-faced and say, “OK. Bye.” I don’t know if a customer is trying to be witty or serious when they tell a McDonald’s employee that “they sure could go for a Whopper,” (which happened to me a few times when I worked at the Golden Arches), but either way I just stand there and refused to play along. God I hate customers.
And Customer Service Workers aren’t much better.
Blog Plugs
• Bored decided to give the 1987 NL MVP award to Tim Raines. Who am I to stop him? I’m not that much into baseball to remember what happened 19 years ago, but I do agree that Tim Raines was an extremely under-appreciated player. I remember as a kid going through my baseball card collection, looking at Raines’ stats and wondering why his card wasn’t worth more money, according to that Beckett pricing guide. Oh, another guy who seemed to be a good player that didn’t seem to get enough props was Harold Baines – am I nuts or do I have a point with this one?
• I don’t follow pro wrestling anymore, but I do remember when Lance Storm made a comment on his Web site about the Death Valley Driver board. Thanks to Sensei John Kreese for bringing back this memory. I also agree that the Undertaker losing at his last Wrestlemania would give a tremendous rub to the person who scores the pinfall. The question is when exactly does a pro wrestler actually retire?
Yesterday I set up the events leading up to a party at a friend’s house back during my high school days. Now it’s time for the exciting conclusion.
When we got back to Jeff’s house, whose driveway was already filled with vehicles, we asked him why did he let people in already when we agreed not to until we got back from getting food. Unfortunately, we didn’t get all that coherent a response, considering he was already on the path to drunkenness. So all that planning of a cover charge and using Greg as a bouncer? Gone. When the first group of people rang the doorbell, Jeff had scurried over to the door and let them in before Greg could do anything. It was at this moment I decided to move a recliner up close to the living room television and just sit there and watch TV. If you ever saw that “South Park” episode with Christopher Reeve and Stem Cells, that’s pretty much how it went. I told everyone that, basically, I “was out” because I knew trouble was on the horizon.
A few hours later more people showed up. Then more. And more. In the early evening I was still planted in the living room watching television as uninvited guests populated this three-story suburban house. Because of a lack of available space, people were “forced” to join me in the living room. Since there isn’t a large contingent of Blue Jay fans where I lived, Game 6 of the World Series got switched over in favor of a Penguins game. It was around this time when some people began making fun of my choice to be a wallflower. “Boy, you really know how to have a good time,” was a common line thrown at me, but I just sat back and said “just wait.”
After a while I got up from my chair and decided to do a rough head count of people attending this gathering. After counting all just about everyone in the basement and the first floor, I totaled more than 80 people. I then went back to my chair. Shortly thereafter the fun really began. I forget the chick’s name, but suddenly I heard screaming from the second floor followed by some other shouting. From what I was told my one friend (I think it was Greg) was up on the second floor when he suddenly heard a commotion from Jeff’s parents’ bedroom. Suddenly, he saw a girl in her bra and panties trying to run out of the room only to be grabbed and dragged back in by 4-5 guys before being able to break out again and locking herself in a nearby bathroom. I should note that there was some consensual penetration going on as well -- Greg told me later that evening that he heard sounds in not only the parents' bedroom, but also in Jeff's and in his sister's rooms. In addition, he found a couple in a nearby broom closet going at it.
Right after this attempted rape, a few drunken idiots that got into a fight over something or other. When the one guy’s girlfriend tried to break up the scuffle, it only seemed to make matters worse. As the girl’s boyfriend stormed out he punched a neighbor’s fiberglass (or some other fancy material) mailbox, shattering it. At the same time someone else took their car and turfed up another neighbor’s yard, leaving several deep track marks in an otherwise impressive landscape design.
During the attempted rape and property damage, a few of my friends began noticing things ... missing from Jeff’s house. In all the action that took place, there were several ruffians that helped themselves to some items in the house. When it was all said and done, it was determined that several thousand dollars of property was stolen. Among the items I remembered that were taken included a set of golf clubs, several extension cords (?), a weed wacker (!), and a number of CDs, video games, video cassettes and sports memorabilia -- the most valuable of which being a football that was signed by the 1985 Chicago Bears team. Actually I should correct myself; the football wasn't stolen, someone just punted it from the backyard deck into the nearby woods. It turned up later, with all the signatures smeared beyond recognition.
As the night progressed, and the alcohol flowed, some of these uninvited guests began to get more physical, and several mini-scuffles broke out; all the while I was sitting in front of the television and watched the Blue Jays win their first World Series championship (I'm pretty sure the final out was when the Braves leadoff hitter -- Lofton? -- attempted a bunt and got out at first base). When 4 a.m. finally rolled around, virtually everyone had left. I decided to help Jeff try to clean up the house, especially since his parents would be back home Sunday. There were some things I couldn’t fix, such as the cigarette burn marks on a variety of furniture throughout the house. Knowing my limits of what I could repair, I decided to do the dishes. As I was cleaning off plates and glasses, that guy whose girlfriend tried to break up a fight that took place earlier that night got into another scuffle – this time with his girlfriend. After some shouting and the sound of flesh being smacked, I turned around to see the girlfriend in question fly through the air and hit her head up against the dining room table. Although she had blood coming out of her, she managed to pull her boyfriend’s earring out before getting tossed. It was about that time when I decided to go to sleep.
When I woke up at around 9 a.m., I looked around for Jeff, who was frantically mopping the basement floor in hopes of getting out the stench of smoke and booze. I asked him how it was going. We both laughed. After helping out with some more cleaning (and loaning Jeff $100 to give to the neighbor with the shattered mailbox), I had Don drive me back home. Of course when Jeff’s parents returned he had to fess up to what happened because, well, the furniture had irreversible damage, the house still smelled like smoke and the garage had a lot fewer items in it when compared to a few days ago. I don’t remember much of the fallout from this, although I know the police were involved, and the weed wacker and golf clubs were returned. As I look back at this event, I can’t help but laugh. Then again, this didn’t take place at my house.
For the longest time I always had summer pegged as my favorite month. After all, when you’re a kid, summer meant no school, unless you were a retard like me and had to attend summer school for two years because you were too lazy to study during the year’s other three seasons. However, as I got older, summer began to turn from being a paradise to one more of a bother. After all, when working in the “real world” there’s no three-month break, unless you work seasonally and collect unemployment. Also, in the Mid-Atlantic region summer usually brings humidity. Not the Deep South humidity mind you, but enough humidity to make me feel like shit after a while if I’m out in the sun. In addition, drivers seem to be worse during these months. I don’t know if it’s because preppie high school kids just got their new sports cars from daddy, or if people don’t prepare their vehicles for the summer months, resulting in more breakdowns on the road. Then again, since the price of gasoline rises during this time, maybe people just get more pissed off waiting at stoplights, burning precious fuel. Who knows and who cares – one thing is for certain, summer is no longer my favorite season.
This now begs the question: what season is my favorite? Well, winter is immediately crossed off the list. Sure there’s Christmas, but there’s also snow, ice, sleet and biting winds. In addition, the people I mentioned above who don’t prep their automobiles for the hazy summer months also don’t get their vehicles ready for the slick road conditions that occur from January through March. However, accidents during this time are to be expected, so when you hear of a 10-car pileup on the nearby interstate, you think to yourself that taking a personal day from work isn't such a bad idea. With summer and winter eliminated, I’m torn between spring and autumn as being my favorite month. Let me break each season down.
The plusses of spring for me include, in no particular order: 1) Saying good-bye to winter. 2) My favorite time for sports. Not only is Major League Baseball under way, but also the NBA and NHL playoffs are in full swing. You also have the NFL Draft, which gives any football junkie a quick fix. 3) The ability to wear shorts and loose t-shirts. The minuses of spring for me include, in no particular order: 1) Saying hello to rain, along with mowing the lawn. When the better half and I moved into this house, I didn’t take into account the fact I’d be mowing the property that came with it. Friday was my first mow of the year, and the result was two hours and four bags’ worth of clippings. Although I’ve had a pretty consistent opinion of illegal immigration, I began to re-think my position after the first time I had to go out and cut this shit. 2) The increased traffic, which I already mentioned above. 3) Nice weather that’s not too hot and not too cold. This is the time of the year when I open up all the windows and let the breeze cool down the house, rather than letting the central air do its thing.
The plusses of autumn for me include, in no particular order: 1) Saying hello to the NFL regular season and MLB playoffs. I guess I can mention that the NBA and NHL usually start around this time, but I really don’t care about either’s regular season. 2) Once again, the weather. The temperature isn’t yet cold, and after several months of hot and humid surroundings, it’s nice to turn off the central air and open up the windows, if only for a few weeks. The minuses of autumn: 1) While my days of mowing the lawn are numbered for the year around this time, there’s the raking of leaves, which always sucks. However, this is only a once-a-year occurrence, unlike the constant growing grass. 2) The dread of knowing that snow is right around the corner.
For the last few years I had always pegged myself as a “spring” person, although after looking at what I have just written, it seems to me that autumn would probably be my season of preference. The only real negative to autumn is knowing that winter is fast approaching in October than it is in April. Weird.
A while back I was talking about Lottery People and mentioned some of my fun exploits with this breed of customer. In one entry I mentioned how my Quickie-Mart’s management had two sets of rules: one set were rules that were flexible and another set that were rigid. The flexible rules were ones that our district managers would tell us we had to perform, but everyone never did, including our store manager. One such rule was not being allowed to accept anything bill denomination higher than $20. Sometimes when our manager who was one rank above our store manager was on the rag she’d bitch about us having too many $100 bills in our safe, but otherwise we would always accommodate our customers who would pay with a $50 or $100 bill.
Did I say “we”? I meant “everyone but me.” Below are my top three customer experiences with people wanting to pay for $10 worth of gas with a $100 bill, or something close to that nature.
3) I had this guy with some bratty kids come up to my register, and when he opened his wallet he handed me a $100 bill for $20 or so worth of gas. After telling him I couldn’t accept his currency due to store policy he said that he had no other way to pay for his order. I was calling bullshit on this one for two reasons. Reason A: When he opened his wallet I saw several credit cards. Reason B: When he opened his wallet, I noted a number of dollar bills in his wallet that were of acceptable denomination. Now we were told that if a customer couldn’t pay for his or her fuel, we were to take their driver’s license until they returned with payment. Naturally, I told him that if he was unable to pay for his order that I would need his license. He said, “You can look at it, but you’re not going to take it from me.” I responded with something like, “Well if you drive off this lot I am going to call the police and report a gray Buick with the plate numbers *I called them out while writing them down on a slip of paper* just drove off without paying." Surprise. He pulled out a $20 bill and paid for his purchase.
2) This guy came in to pay with a $50 bill and I said that I wasn’t allowed to accept anything over a $20. I then got one of my favorite customer lines. “Well where’s a sign that says this, huh?” I love it when a customer pulls this, because then I get to point out all the signs they missed on their way to the register. I pointed to the two signs at my counter, the two at my co-workers counter, the half-dozen or so that were posted throughout the store, the several that were posted by the entranceway, and the signs posted on EVERY ONE OF MY STORE’S EIGHT PUMPS. The customer wasn’t amused, but I sure as hell was.
1) Some guy tried to pay for his fuel with a $100 bill, which I told him I wasn’t allowed to accept. After he threw a fit for several minutes about how I had to accept this because it was “legal U.S. tender,” I told him that he could go the other cashier standing next to me because she’d probably accept your payment. I, on the other had, wouldn’t because that’s not our store policy and that I had been reprimanded before for accepting a $50 bill. (OK, so this was a lie. Big deal.) Instead of going to the other cashier, who had a deer in headlights look because I had dragged her into this mess, this guy threw a fit for a little while longer and asked for our company’s customer service number. I said it’s posted right outside the entrance door. He then went outside and pulled out his cell phone to call our 1-800 number and complain about me. One problem. He called the local phone number posted out by the door instead of calling the 1-800 number. I picked up our ringing phone and got to hear this guy say how he has been a loyal customer of our company for years and spends A LOT of money with us. He then said that a cashier at one of our stores was refusing him service because he wanted to pay with a $100 bill. You would think this guy would realize that he was talking to the cashier he interacted with just a few minutes ago, but he didn’t (I’m surprised he didn’t pick up on the background noise, like, say, ringing registers and all those other Quickie-Mart noises). I said the cashier was in the right and that they aren’t allowed to accept any bills higher than a $20 because it was a safety issue and that our store’s insurance carrier demands this policy be adhered to. I then added some bullshit about how there are these “mystery shoppers” who try to pay with $50 or $100 bills just to see if the cashier would accept the payment, and that if the cashier would accept these bills they would be fired. He bitched about something or other, hung up, went back into the store and paid for his purchase with a $20.
With these tales you may wonder why I would be such an asshole to customers? Well, 1) I am an asshole. 2) You need to entertain yourself somehow during an eight-hour shift.
7:30 p.m.
• Some hippie writer died.
I'm sure I never read any of his stuff, but what I took note of was that he wrote something to be released after he went up to that big newsroom in the sky.
Here's the column, for those that care.
After reading this I got the thinking: should I did from a road-rage incident (I had another one of these this morning) or a brawl at the grocery store (haven't had one of these for a while), what would my final words be? God forbid it be something on this blog. Actually, my 5:15 p.m. entry would sum things up just fine. The only thing I would add to it, however, is, "Damn, it's hotter than I expected down here."
5:15 p.m.
• This is why I love Jews. Seinfeld has how much money and he is still too cheap to pay some pesky commission? And the best part is that the plantiff is a Jew, too, and she wanted to get paid on a day where she didn't do any work.
• Well, I didn't win the Powerball jackpot, but I did learn something today. This one psycho bitch I work with is playing the lottery, but she is doing it herself and not taking part in the office pool. Now I want to win this thing more than ever.
• Say, did you all know that not only has Dick Cheney worked at Halliburton but also he shot some guy while hunting quail? Gee, I knew Dan wasn’t one of the best vice presidents out there, but did he really deserve to get shot for misspelling potato? Lolz. I guess the place where Cheney was hunting at ran out of young black males or something. Lolz2. I guess now he finally knows what it’s like to shoot another person, seeing how he skipped out on doing it in Vietnam. Lolz3. Quail? They should have been hunting "duck." Lolz4. The guy he shot was a lawyer, so it's not all that bad. Lolz5 Well, that covers what the late-night talk shows are going to talk about tonight. You heard ‘em here first, folks.
Maybe Hitlery will go with Cheney on his next hunting trip. No, that wasn't a joke. I really hope she does accompany him.
Anyway, I was listening to Hannity’s show on the way home, and for the first time in a while it was actually somewhat interesting. Well, at least the part where he played the audio of what reporters were asking the White House press guy. While there were some funny ones like “Will he resign over this?” and one reporter comparing the delayed announcement to the Katrina relief efforts, my personal favorite was “Would it have been more serious if the person he shot died?”
• Oh, and it appears that vice presidents aren’t the only ones who have hunting accidents.
• Well we now know the terrorists are Republican. Maybe their next stop will be ACLU headquarters.
• I finally got around to watching the “Wedding Crashers” yesterday. Eh. Comedies are tough for me to judge because I consider many of them to be unfunny. Comedy is a hard art to master, and it is so subjective. There were a few moments that got a chuckle out of me (Vince Vaughn's "quail hunting" bit now seems a little erie, given what just happened to Cheney), but did it have to be more than TWO HOURS long? Christ almighty, couldn’t they have wrapped up the story while at that post-wedding weekend retreat? I’m almost afraid to see the “UNCORKED” version, which will be painfully longer. I was also kind of disappointed the theatrical version didn’t include some “wedding crashers” at the end wedding.
• So Bonnie Bernstein has left the CBS’ NFL coverage because she has hit the glass ceiling in regards to her football reporting/announcing career. Good. I despise female sideline reporters, and Bonnie was no exception. Now give the job to some ex-player who can’t properly pronounce half the words he’s saying. Oh, and if there are any ideas to have Terry Bradshaw host Fox's NFL Pre-Game show in place of the departing James Brown, please scrap them now for the love of God.
• You know, I think I might like ESPN's Monday Night Football crew, what with Tirico being a perv and Kornheiser not being a total yes-man. All we need now is Joe Namath to replace Joe Theismann and bring Suzy Kolber up to the booth, and I'd watch this foursome even if the game they're announcing is the Cardinals at the 49ers.
8 p.m.
• Nothing all that exciting to report. The alleged baby's daddy of my out-of-control niece-in-law is probably going to get kicked out of his house. Damn Bush economy. I bet W. made him rack up those credit card bills, too.
• Go away, Brett Favre.
I haven't followed this story all that much, but there comes a time when a team has to look out for its future. These off-season "Will I or won't I return?" games have to eventually stop. And why the hell would the Packers let him go to a divisional opponent?
• Speaking of football, kkk Bowl VI will be announced sometime during the NFL preseason. I was seriously thinking of not holding this contest anymore, especially since I probably wouldn't have been able to update the standings each week. Thankfully, I'll be getting some help from the mods (or at least that's what I'm being told).
• Last week in the USA Weekend special insert found in many Sunday newspapers, there was an interesting story about why cats don't get treated better than dogs despite more people owning felines than canines.
Now I'm sure I don't need to bring up my affection for kitties, but I have no problem with dogs being higher up on the social ladder than cats. One reason cats are more often abandoned is that, like the author said, more people have cats than dogs. And because dogs are more in tune to a "pack" mentality, they would often be more devoted to their owners than cats. And regarding vet care, dogs should get better treatment. You don't see a K-9 kitty lunging after a robbery suspect. You don't see cats herding livestock. All a cat is really good for is killing rodents.
But in case you are thinking I have lost my kitty-loving ways, here's some more pics of the family.
8:30 p.m.
• Don't you know that placing bumper stickers on your care is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male?
Gee, I wonder who were making the complaints?
These are the MARINES~! Now I know we're in trouble. Thanks a lot, Terrorist-Elect Hussein Osama.
You know what pisses me off? When certain businesses that do nothing to improve their product over the years suddenly blame the Wal-Marts and Targets of the world for their misery. In my area there are three “major” grocery store chains: Foodland, Shop ‘n Save and Giant Eagle. My local Giant Eagle store is so much better in terms of price, cleanliness and variety of products than a nearby Shop ‘n Save. I shopped at the latter a few times and vowed never to return. (I don't have a Foodland within a short driving distance from my house, so they're out of this story.)
Now that my community is starting to grow, and bigger retail chains have begun to set up shop. Earlier this month a Target opened up next to Giant Eagle, and there has been a local controversy with a Mega-Wal-Mart trying to get built in the same area. After some legal battles, the Wal-Mart has been approved and will probably begin construction sometime in the near future. Because of this Wal-Mart being built, the Shop ‘n Save store has announced it will be closing at the end of April. Representatives from the store have cited the upcoming Wal-Mart as the main reason why they are folding up their tent.
Good.
Fuck you Shop ‘n Save. You aren’t being run out because of big, bad Wal-Mart. You’re being run out because your prices suck, your brand selection leaves something to be desired, and you have made no attempts to upgrade over the years. Giant Eagle has acknowledged the competition and is meeting it head on. The store has lowered prices on a number of items and has introduced a “personal shopper” program. I’ve talked about this system before, but for those that haven’t heard me describe it here we go.
You have to be a Giant Eagle “advantage card” member, and what you do is scan your card at this machine and pick up a scanning device. Basically what you do is ring up and bag your order as you go. I have said before that although you spend more time shopping due to scanning and putting stuff in your grocery bags, I love this system for a number of reasons. 1) You get to see how much your running tab is as you shop. 2) You can bag items that you normally store together; this saves a lot of time at home unpacking. 3) You don’t have to wait in line, and you don’t have to hear the cashiers complain to each other about how much longer their shift is.
Another thing Giant Eagle has introduced in the last year or so is a line of convenience stores. For every $50 you spend in groceries, you get 10 cents off a gallon of gasoline on an upcoming fuel purchase. Is there a huge savings? Not really. But every couple of months, it’s nice to get $1 off per gallon of gas when filling up at one of these “Get-Go” stations.
Will this Giant Eagle survive with the increased competition from Target and Wal-Mart? I hope so. I don’t hate Wal-Mart, and I do some shopping there, but I don’t shop for groceries. I think one of the reasons I refuse to is because I don’t want to wait in line for an hour just to buy food and other products that I can’t get at a grocery store. As for Shop ‘n Save (and I’m sure Foodland will go under, too, considering those stores are worse than Shop ‘n Save), good-bye and good riddance.
7:30 a.m.
• Pickkks for everyone.
Seattle @ Green Bay (8.5)
I think Green Bay will win the game, but not by eight points. Seattle 27, Green Bay 24.
Jacksonville @ New England (13.5)
As much as I want the Jags to win, I have a feeling all the talk about them being an "ideal winter opponent" will probably backfire. New England 31, Jacksonville 17.
San Diego @ Indianapolis (8.5)
I don't think Manning will have another bad game against the Chargers. I also heard Gates is listed as doubtful. Indianapolis 27, San Diego 10.
N.Y. Giants @ Dallas (7.5)
Instead of placing blame on Jessica Simpson, I think the Cowboys have other problems that deal with stuff on the field. But the real question for me in all this Jessica-gate nonsense is why did Romo bring a teammate with him on a vacation in which I probably wouldn't have left the luxury suite for three days? Then again, Simpson brings her parents with her everywhere she goes, so I guess that's worse. Oh, yeah. New York 27, Dallas 17.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 61: 2Gold
I don’t know why I like this guy, but I just do. He just seems … there. Hell, even Kotz likes him, and it’s in a non-sexual matter, too. Let’s see, he plays Madden video games, remembers that Tom Hanks movie about Dungeons & Dragons and doesn't mind buying tampons or care about being in threesomes. Now that's apathy.
And now a word or six from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Lovecraft:
From The Real World's Champion:
From Porter:
From Black Lushus:
From Carnival:
From Cancer Marney:
• So I went into the office today due to the fact I’d rather work alone without any distractions and take a weekday off – it’s like a buy-one-get-one-free in regards to being away from co-workers. Anyway, on my way home I was taking this one interstate that is pretty empty on the weekends. This wasn’t one of those times. As I was wondering which idiot crashed their SUV into someone else’s vehicle, I noticed that a passenger in the car behind me was waving a Terrible Towel. It was then I realized that the Steelers were playing a home game tonight. Shit. On the bright side, at least it’s a preseason game, so the drunken idiots won’t be out in full force as they would be come September. Fortunately, I was driving right as the Steeler gridlock was beginning to form. As I was driving outbound on another interstate, I saw inbound traffic backed up for at least several miles. Yet another reason why I don’t go to football games.
I remember my old man taking me to some Steeler preseason games back in the 1980s when I was a kid, and I think my disdain for attending football games began here. Every time a pass was thrown people around me would stand up and I couldn’t see a damn thing. The only two regular-season games I remember attending was a home opener against the Chiefs one year, which I think was Jack Lambert final game. All I remember about that game was some guy being helped off the field and the Steelers losing. My more recent memory was a better experience. It was a 1993 Monday Night Football game against the Buffalo Bills. My one friend’s dad had tickets for this game, and they brought me along. If memory serves, the Steelers put a whooping on the Bills, something like 24-3. The best moment came late in the game when I had my binoculars focused on Bills wide receiver Don Beebe, who made a pretty impressive catch, only to get smashed by a Steelers defenseman. In a split second, I saw this guy in a white uniform suddenly disappear from my sight only to be replaced by a black and gold blue. I had to put my binoculars down to see how far Beebe got moved, and I think he ended up somewhere out of bounds. Either way, it was a vicious hit.
Oh, another football moment came when I was a kid. It was some preseason game with my old man during the 1980s, and there was stop in the game for something or other. I looked at my dad and asked him “Where are the commercials?” How do I know that this happened? He reminds me of this every other time he talks to me.
• So those bastards at Citi pissed me off today. I have a Dividend card that gives me cash back – 5 percent for all grocery, gas and drug store purchases, 1 percent for everything else. Now I get a letter saying that starting in October my cash back for grocery, gas and drug stores will be 2 percent. But wait, I’ll be able to get 2 percent for all utility bills I put on my Citi card. Bastards. And why did they do this? Because, the letter claimed, they were doing what their customers wanted them to do. Yeah, right. Faggots.
• This is why I don’t donate money to political causes. I just saw a Rick Santorum television ad where he’s in some senior polka center talking about all the great things he does for old people. Who comes up with this shit? Oh well, at least it looks like he combed his hair in this ad, so that’s a plus. Gag. Now Ed Rendell is airing an ad. Go to hell you asshole. He’s bragging about not raising taxes this year – what about the previous years of your administration you piece of shit. Both of these ads were aired during the first half of the Steelers game against the Vikings. I guess focus groups indicate Steeler fans are stupid and will fall for these things. Now that’s a newsflash.
6:45 p.m.
• Oh no, RACISM~!
Oh fuck, now the invasion is headed to my neck of the woods.
Oh well, at least Al Keiper will be happy, especially when these hard-working invaders take his job of stat-keeping local minor league games for less pay, or at least less hot dogs/nachos/whatever the Scranton Mud Hens pay out. Yes, I know that's not a real team. I already whiffed in my 3 p.m. entry, so why not make up teams while I'm at it?
• Get a job hippies ... and then you can own your holy mecca or whatever.
Oh please let a developer turn this land into a Wal-Mart.
3 p.m.
• So the better half’s boss isn’t that bad a person for an academic idiot. If I had to work with someone with a Ph.D., it would be her boss. However, there are times when I just shake my head and go WTF. Peep these two stories from yesterday.
1) This woman is paying some guy $400 to shop for a Honda Prius. I told Mrs. kkk to let her boss know I’d do it for $375. Hell, for a steady paycheck I’d shop at the hippie organic store for her, too.
2) The better half works for some research project that doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. It’s some funded study that analyzes if sexual behaviors of crackheads are more risky than those that inject heroin, or something equally stupid. Anyway, the boss was freaking out because the amount of crazy people applying for interviews has faded a bit. There’s only so much you can do by posting flyers around town. Now, what would be the obvious solution? To advertise. Personally, I think putting an ad or three in the local city paper (you know, those publications free to the public that have newsstands at the grocery store/theater/street corner/etc. However, when the Mrs. suggested advertising in newspapers and the like her boss said no because then there would be “too many responses.” Well alrighty then.
7:15 a.m.
• So Barry B*nds is now the HOME RUN CHAMP OF THE WORLD~! Whatever. Did he take roids? Yeah. Did other people? Yeah. Is the homer total legit? Sure. I just don't like him. At least he lost in that World Series to the Angles a few years back. Wow, him losing and Racist Dusty in one swoop. That was a good night indeed.
10:15 p.m.
• Yeah, I know there's more to this story, but the lead paragraph just sounds funny to me.
9:15 p.m.
• So on the way home from work today we were driving through the black people part of the trip and went past some guy with a colorful jacket that featured patches of each NBA team sewed on. I didn’t notice it because I was too busy looking at traffic and shit, but Mrs. kkk did. The following conversation ensued. You can figure out who is who.
Hey look, it’s Jamal and the multi-colored robe.
Huh?
You know, Joseph and the multi-colored robe? From the Bible?
What?
You don’t know the story of Joseph and the multi-colored robe? The one where he gets sold into slavery by his brothers and they tear up his robe to show to their father?
The fuck?
*Goes on to tell the story up to the point where the robe is returned to dad*
Jesus Christ that’s depressing. Did Joseph at least get his revenge?
I don’t remember, but I think the story is about forgiveness.
Fuck that shit. I’d be pissed.
Well, his bones got returned back home with Moses.
I thought Moses didn’t make it back because God fucked him over about something.
That’s correct … sort of.
What exactly did Moses do?
He was trying to get water from hitting a rock. God said to do it one time and he did it twice.
That’s it?!
Yes. God said that showed a lack of faith on Moses’ behalf.
So he roams around in the desert for 40 fucking years, and God doesn’t believe he’s of faith? No wonder God’s a Jew.
What?
When it came time to pay the bill for Moses, God Jewed him, "Thanks for all your years of service, Moses, but you violated Page 490, Section XL, Article 4a, line 20 of our agreement. No promised land for you." If God tried to Jew me like that, I’d send all his people away to Detroit.
Why am I talking about the Bible with you?
Because you commented on Jamal’s mulit-colored coat.
THE END
That coat was pimp, too, what with the old Hawks logo. Jamal's, not Joseph's.
8:30 p.m.
• So earlier today I became one of “those customers.” I was going out for a few things, and I decided to get one of these new burrito things that Taco Bells was pimping. You know, the one with the “I’ll stop the world and melt with you” ads. Hey, it’s got meat, cheese and sour cream – can’t be all that bad. Problem is, when I approached the drive-thru I couldn’t remember what this product was called. No problem. There will probably be a sign or ad pimping this new item. No such luck – some hippie crap about putting chili on nachos. Now the drive-thru speaker lady is talking. Fuck. Scan that menu. It has to be on there. Nothing. Oh Christ, I have to say it.
“Can I get that burrito that’s been advertised a lot lately?”
“You mean the Cheesy Beefy Melt? Do you want that in a combo?”
Grilled stuffed burrito. Sonofabitch. Oh well, it was worth the humiliation. Well, I wasn't as bad as the old lady at the Burger King drive-thru years ago asking my co-worker if we had fish sticks or macaroni, among the dozen-plus other items we didn't have because she hadn't left her house since the Truman administration (it was a Lenten Friday -- God did those shifts suck).
• Swift Terror brought up Land of the Dead, and it finally forced me to think back to when I saw it a few months back. I liked it. I’m not what you consider a zombie movie fan. I have nothing against them, but I’m nowhere near a fanatic like some others are with this genre. Then again, if that’s what they like to see, then more power to them. Anyway, the whole “Dead” film series is mostly “eh” to me. “Night” was there, and it’s probably my favorite of the three. I never really cared for “Dawn,” and “Day” was OK. I remember as a kid a classmate always saying, “Fucking ‘a, biggest piece of meat in the cave,” and never knew where he got it from. So with this in mind, I always had “Land” pegged as one of those movies that I was in no hurry to see but wanted to get around to doing so before dying. Well now I can rest in peace, I guess. Wasn’t too bad. Yeah, it was a bit cheesy with the whole zombies-of-the-world-unite thing going, and I’m sure there’s some social commentary with the whole “Uniontown” thing that I missed because I’m an evil right-winger. However, there is an actual Uniontown about an hour or so from Shittsburgh, or whatever the city was called in the movie, so I’ll give this a pass.
• So the better half has been sporadically watching that Bret Michaels Flavor-of-Love rip-off every now and then, and this evening she had the FINAL DECISION EPISODE on. Long story short: this guy had to choose from the stripper and the psycho. Longer story shorter: Bret couldn’t decide between these two up until the very end, so he asked each if they wouldn’t mind sharing him with the other. The stripper said sure, the psycho said no. The psycho won. Jesus Christ how stupid can some people be? And if you’re looking for “true love,” wouldn’t you know before asking two chicks if they wouldn’t mind being part of a threesome? I just pray everyone on that show doesn’t vote.
• Al Gore got a Nobel Prize. Yay, and stuff.
What a prestigious award. Too bad Arafat’s dead – they could have been BFF.
• Uh oh, don’t you know that …well, whatever the hell is going on here…
…is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male?
8:30 p.m.
• So the better half was getting paranoid about some pinkish discharge yesterday (if I have to hear about this, so do you) and we moved up the scheduled doctor’s visit a week or so to today. Of couse the pink discharge couldn’t have been from getting prodded during her first visit (and everything else shooting out of her has been clear) but I digress. She rescheduled the appointment to 4:30 p.m. We went straight from work to this place and had 20 minutes to space. When we got to this office, which was on the second floor in some suite complex, I really had to go to the bathroom. Problem was, all the restrooms at this place were locked and this suite lost its key to the men’s room. I had to go down the hall and ask someone at that place for their key to the pisser. I could have walked down the road to a public facility and back because were waiting for 45 minutes. However, we were probably squeezed in so I wasn’t complaining. Shortly after we arrived this uppity bitch came in gabbing on her cell phone. When the receptionist asked her to turn off her cell phone because those devices interfere with the medical equipment, the bitch got an attitude and said, “Where does it say that?” The receptionist then pointed to the THREE SIGNS IN FRONT OF THE BITCH’S FACE THAT SAID “NO CELL PHONES – THEY INTERFERE WITH THE MONITOR EQUIPMENT.” I laughed loud enough to be noticed, and the bitch went over to the room’s one corner.
When it was finally the better half’s turn to be prodded, the tech person did her thing and it’s official: Mrs. kkk’s knocked up. The only surprise was that kkk jr. wasn’t as developed as initially thought, which meant the better half got tainted by me sometime in late November rather than in October. That just gives me a few more weeks of listening to the better half bitching about how much her back hurts from dragging around a living being inside of her. It also means that the gender is up for grabs. When we first went to the doctor’s office, she said that if Mrs. kkk got knocked up a while after having sex then there’s a good chance the kid will be a girl. This is because the girly sperm lives longer than the manly sperm. (I’m not saying this – that’s what I was told.) Then again, this makes sense because I’m sure the girl sperm probably nags the boy sperm to the point where the males don’t want to go on living.
It’s odd. The wife wants a boy while I’m actually more partial to a girl. I’m not sure why. Part of the reason is because I hate hunting and fishing, and I know jack shit about cars. If kkk jr. has a penis, he’d probably be looking to put it in some guy’s anus once puberty hits due to my un-manliness. Then again, the one thing I’m dreading about having a girl is … well, let me paraphrase these words from one of the better half’s friends, which sums up my fears perfectly. “With a boy you have to worry about one dick. With a girl, you have to worry about everyone’s dick.” However, all this aside, what’s freaking me out is if the baby will be healthy. I guess that’s better than not caring at all.
Awww, it has my nose.
Yesterday I gave my uninformed predictions about the AFC. Now it’s time to do the same with the NFC.
NFC EAST
I’ve been hearing about how this may be the toughest division in football. Is it? I have no idea. However, I know this will be the most entertaining division in football, especially with the ESPN crowd rushing to Donovan McNabb’s defense every time he throws an interception. I can hear Chris Berman blaming Terrell Owens already for all of McNabb’s problems. Anyway, I think Philly will finish in last place, followed by Emily Manning and the Giants. Every year it seems like a running back or two just breaks down right in front of our eyes due to wear and tear or age. This year I’m guessing it will happen to Tiki Barber. I have no rhyme or reason for this guess; I just think he will. Having said that, he’ll probably rush for 2,000 yards, which if that’s the case and my predictions are that off base, I hope Emily passes for 5,000 yards and wins the Super Bowl MVP award. I’ll give Washington the nod to win the division with the Cowboys coming in a close second.
NFC NORTH
Oh my God what a pathetic division. I feel for the Vikings in a way because this preseason has gone to shit for them, what with their top pick out with an ACL injury and that Robinson guy getting busted for drunk driving. If the Bears don’t win this division then they have no business being in the NFL. I’ll put Minnesota at number two because, despite all the stuff that’s happened to this team over the past year or so, they are still in a division with Detroit and Green Bay. Speaking of which, I'm guessing the Lions will come in third followed by the Packers just because. Does it really matter which team finishes 5-11 and which team finishes 4-12?
NFC SOUTH
I’ve liked what the Carolina Panthers have done over the past few years, and I’m predicting them to finish first once again. The Bucs will come in second, followed by the Falcons. While I’m on the subject of Atlanta, I don’t understand why some coaches feel it necessary to try and make scrambling quarterbacks into pocket passers. Let them do their thing, and if they have to retire a few years early so be it. I remember back when the Philadelphia Eagles tried to harness Randall Cunningham; what happened to their franchise quarterback? He got hurt in the pocket. New Orleans will get a lot of ESPN hype thanks to Mr. Bush, but they’ll still lose. The only difference is I’ll probably get sick of the Bush/Mario Williams comparisons by Week 4.
NFC WEST
No wonder Seattle always goes to the playoffs – look at this division. Spot any team six wins and they’ll get a wild-card entry at the very least. I got the Rams coming in second, even though I have no idea who is on that team. I’m sick of hearing each year how the Cardinals are a “sleeper pick” with all those wide receivers. You know why they have such good receiving stats? They’re always playing catch-up. You don't go three yards and a cloud of dust when you're trailing by 20 points by halftime. The 49ers will be better, but that’s just because they can’t get much worse.
2 p.m.
• So I was driving into work today and there was a radio commercial that caught my ears. Some of you may remember when I opined about a local restaurant chain and its stupid Frownie mascot. Well, this place is bringing back a promotion where if you order certain menu items you get a menu item of equal or lesser value free. No problem with that. However, the ad went something like, “Try a classic King’s dish like the new breakfast scramblers (or whatever the entrée was).” How can a “classic” dish be “new”? And I thought TNT’s “Instant Classics” were bad.
• Yeah, this is going to throw off Emily’s routine. I’m sure he doesn’t have ANY of these episodes on DVD.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 97: Reservior Kitty
The next poster on my list is really the cat’s meow – oh fuck you all, I’ve said worse. I really had no idea who Reservior Kitty was until Eddie Guerrero died, which I’m not sure if you, the TSM poster, were aware about in regards to his passing, especially if you get your Internet wrestling news from this place. I get that Eddie was a popular wrestler and all, but let’s just say that some people, well, overreacted a bit with his passing; jokes such as “The room is spinning,” “here comes the vomit” and “My whole family was depressed” were born from this unfortunate event. Oddly enough, when the news came out that Eddie died, I chose to keep my sarcastic mouth shut because a lot of people really did treat Eddie like a family member and I don’t want anyone cracking jokes at Paul Harvey (my Eddie Guerrero) when he finally goes to that big newsroom in the sky. However, I then saw a thread in the Music folder titled Songs that will make you think of Eddie Guerrero. I couldn’t take it anymore. A few of us decided to branch out and find out what other things made us thing of Eddie Guerrero, such as movies, pornography, books, and video games. Why do I mention all this? Because Mrs. Kitty was so kind as to take command of the computers and technology division, earning her a place on my list no matter what commie drivel she may think (and I’m sure she does since she personally knows Tyler). Also, I’m hoping that maybe by honoring her she’ll PM me some pics of her naughty bits or something. I guess it really is true that death can bring people closer together.
• They say the cool thing about baseball is that you never know what could happen each time you go to the ballpark, and that is true. Last night the Pirates played an 18-inning game against the Astros and won, thanks in part to a wild pitch that was thrown while the Astros were intentionally walking a batter. But here’s the kicker: apparently, this game should not have gone into extra innings. Earlier in the contest there was a play at the plate where the Pirates catches touched a runner with his glove, but he was holding the ball with his other hand. The hometown announcers said that should not have counted as an out, and since I don’t know the official rule on tagging someone I’ll just assume they’re correct.
I generally try to stay for any event I pay to attend, whether it is a movie or sporting event. There are a few exceptions. For example, if I invite someone to go to an event and they wish to leave a bit early, I’ll honor their request. But if it is up to me I wait until the final out is played or the ending credits roll. The only time I left a sporting event early was in 1990 during a Pirates/Dodgers game. For the first eight-and-a-half innings the Dodgers were getting the best of the Pirates and built up a hefty lead (something like 6-0) To make matters worse, the weather was awful, and there were several rain delays. I was at this game with a friend and my mom, and we all agreed to leave early and avoid the post-game traffic. We left at the top of the ninth, and by the time we made it to the car the Pirates were at bat. I remember being in a McDonald’s drive-thru when the Pirates scored the game-winning run and swore to myself right then and there that I would never leave another game early. A few years later I was at another ball game with my half-brother and a few other people. This time the Pirates were down by a handful of runs and played like shit for eight-and-a-half innings. While most people in the group were talking about leaving early, I suggested that we stick around; sure enough, the Pirates once again overcame a 5-6 run deficit and ended up winning the game. It was like déjà vu all over again.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 32: Hogan Made Wrestling
Even though he isn’t up-to-date on all the great white running backs of the NFL, it seems we both share an affection for Baldur’s Gate. (The PC game with Minsc and Boo, not the console version. Both games are solid in their own ways, but I lean toward Shadows of Amn.) He also shares an affinity with me for hating poor white trash. However, he doesn’t seem to care much for blogs, which makes me wonder what the hell he’s doing on this list in the first place. And talk about the power of premonition: from a post of mine in that “blog” thread I mentioned above.
6:30 p.m.
• OK. So I see this article on the wires.
No biggie. I wouldn't have even given this a second thought. After all, people are a crazy lot. However, below that article was this one.
Here was my favorite part.
And speaking of Valium, my out-of-control niece in law showed up for orientation at her hostess job that will probably last less than two weeks. She was with a few other people, and one of them is also a recovering drug addict who asked her, "So you're on methadone, too?" Well, that's one place I'll never eat at again. Pity, and the one time I went there before it was a good enough restaurant.
12 p.m.
• So the Frenchies have fast trains.
Great, now they can retreat faster than ever before.
• The Pirates beat the Astros 4-2 yesterday on Opening Day. But the Bucs were perfect at Minute Maid Park last year -- they didn't win a single game. Gee, maybe this really is year they turn everything around.
8:15 p.m.
• And just how many farting cows had to be raised in order to provide beef for this global warming Big Mac deal?
Next thing you know, we'll be producing gas that takes more energy to produce than it provides in better mileage over other Big Oil products. Uh, nevermind. For those of you that didn't get the last sentence, don't worry. It was corny anyway.
8 p.m.
• So someone I know in Ohio sent me the following e-mail:
Knowing that clicking on any the links he gave me in his e-mail would make for some interesting reading, I did so. I wasn't disappointed.
My response to the e-mail first sent to me:
7:30 p.m.
• So I was flipping through some channels today and came across a preview for some program that was done shortly after 9/11. The preview said something like, "provocative movie directors from around the world talk about the effects of the terror attacks on America.” Who was the director featured in this preview? Sean Penn. Wow, what a shock. This special is being aired on the Sundance channel.
• "Around the Horn" talked about this today. And all the panelists were OUTRAGED at these comments made by Cincinnati radio talk guy Bill Cunningham.
Sadly, J.A. Adande echoed the first thoughts in my head as I heard this story: Thank God he didn't say this about Ken Griffey Jr. If so, he'd be a RACIST~! Whatever. It was probably an off-the-cuff comment. I've heard much worse.
3 p.m.
• So the brother of one of my co-workers died and she’s taking the week off to do funeral stuff. This brought about a discussion between me and my co-worker in the next office about company policy during a death in the family. I contended that a person could get the day off without pay in these matters while my counterpart thought that these days off are with pay. I asked another co-worker about this topic and figured that she would give use the correct answer since her father passed away a few years ago. Her answer was this: Because she “didn’t abuse” this benefit prior, my idiot boss said she got to take her father’s funeral day off WITH pay. This of course brings up the question of “abuse.” How does one abuse a benefit such as this?
“Boss, I need Monday off because my dad died.”
“You used that excuse six months ago when your mom died. No day off for you.”
Of course, when my grandma died earlier this year, I had to stay later than my scheduled half-day off (which I used sick time to fill in the remaining four hours of that shift) because my idiot boss has no management skills and asked me to drive to a nearby Kinko’s to price-check on something that has nothing to do with my job. Here’s how this gem of a chat went down.
“kkk, I need you to go to Kinko’s and find out how much this proposal will cost with and without binding.”
“But I’m going to my grandmother’s viewing service now. It’s at 1 p.m. and it’s going to take me at least 30 minutes to get there (note: the time was 12:30).”
“Can you do it real quick?”
Now normally I jump at the chance to stay away from my family, but not at the expense of mingling with this fuckwad. But in the end it all worked out. I saved a half-hour of sick time that I used elsewhere, I got a nice story that will be going into my eventual resignation letter that will be sent out companywide and I stayed away from my family for an additional 30 minutes. T’was a good day, tater.
Oh, and just to show I’m not being a paranoid asshole about my workplace situation (well, not as big a paranoid asshole as I already am), my co-worker recently attended this multi-day event as his job title dictates. Now all this guy put down on his expense report was mileage and hotel expenses. No food, drink or other miscellaneous costs. The day after he submitted his form, our one boss asked him, “In what capacity were you in attendance at this event?” What really makes this hilarious is that my co-worker deals in sales, and he’s never allowed to go anywhere. Well, he’s “allowed,” but he has to foot the bill for everything. This despite having a budget for this sort of thing that he’s not allowed to use. But to be fair, I have a similar budge for my department that I wouldn’t be able to tap into even with a sledgehammer.
3 p.m.
• What a proud day for my people.
Then again, after it's all said and done, I'm sure each of them will be getting about $20.
I wonder if this incident was part of the HATE CRIME stats that are rising?
LOL at the BBC surprised at this news. Yeah, there's no racism at all up north. Somebody didn't see "Gangs of New York."
7:30 p.m.
• So Friday I talked about going to my first Pirates game since PNC Park was built. Actually, I think the last time I went to a Pirates game was in 1993, but whatever. No, wait. There was a game after that a few years later when my old man informed a group of us that due to being exposed to toxic chemicals he grew two added balls. What a night at the ball park that was. But I digress.
So we got there before the game started, but the problem was the two people coming from out-of-state were still in Shittsburgh traffic. I knew they would be. No problem. It’s not like I’m in any hurry to watch the Bucs. And of course, during the first inning, I hear via an outside speaker that the Cubs have already scored. Now that was a surprise. Our guests showed up and we headed to our seats. It was still the first inning, so I only wasted 1/9 of my ticket. No biggie.
My impressions? It was a ball park home to a shit team. Who cares? The better half actually liked the experience more than she, or I, thought. Then again, she was looking at just about everything around her BUT the actual play on the field. I guess that’s the point. And what is up with showing stock quotes on the narrow electronic marquees up around the stadium? One thing I will give props to is that the out-of-town scoreboard not only shows every other major-league contest but also who is on base and how many outs left in the current half-inning. I’m not sure how often this gets updated, but whatever.
Oh, yeah. The Pirates. Holy fuck are they awful. I don’t pay any attention to this team during the season, so I never really observe just how they accomplish losing season after losing season. Here’s the box score:
CHC (29-19) 2 1 1 1 3 1 0 3 0 12 19 0
PIT (22-26) 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 1 0 3 8 2
The Cubs scored in ALL but TWO innings. The Pirates had a runner on third with NO OUTS and couldn’t bring him in. The Cubs let Carlos Zambrano in the top of the seventh and brought in a relief pitcher in the bottom of the inning. Yeah, I know he’s a good hitting pitcher. And of course, when your pitcher goes FOUR FOR FIVE with TWO RBI, why not leave him out there? The Pirates clean-up hitter is hitting .220; the Cubs clean-up hitter (a former Pirate) is hitting .296 – that’s about all I need to say.
Then there was the pitching. For as bad as Zach Duke was in his 4 innings, he looked like an ace once Sean Burnett took the mound. This performance was so bad it was laughable – in fact, my one guest said by the 4th inning that, as an outsider, watching the Pirates play was an “interesting experience.” I think she said this around the time a ball was hit to the shortstop and after spending a few seconds pondering to throw the ball to second base (or was it third base? No matter) he decided to throw it to first, which was too little too late. Then there were the several botched double plays – I can’t remember what innings these took place in because it seemed the Cubs had multiple runners in scoring position each inning.
I will say this though: I never thought I’d say a $6 order of nachos is worth the price, but damn that was some good shit. Too bad I had to go to FOUR DIFFERENT STANDS before getting them. First stand? They didn’t sell them. Fortunately, I didn’t stay in line too long for that one. I went to the stand next to this one. After a 5-10 minute wait I discover they are out – in the bottom of the 5th. I then went two stands over to some fancy place. There’s a lady behind the register. Someone just left that register with food. I walk up and learn that she doesn’t sell nachos. But there are nachos behind her. She says to go to the middle of the stand. The hell? I go there. Guess what? In order to get nachos I have to GO BACK TO THE LADY I ORIGINALLY SPOKE TO. Good fucking Christ. Finally, I get to the next stand and buy my overpriced shit. Hey, I’m going to a MLB game – the food’s going to be expensive. For as cheap as I am I do spend the cash pretty freely at occasions like these. And after all that I have to reiterate – those nachos were good shit.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. The game. While I was away the Pirates scored a few runs, but by now it was 8-2. Yeah, there’s going to be a rally. One observation I made during the course of this game was that there were a number of Cubs fans, and nobody from Shittsburgh cared when they cheered their beloved Cubbies each time a run was scored, which was often. I remember back in ’90 when the Pirates played the Mets fans throwing popcorn on a Metropolitan fan when he and his kid cheered a big play by the visiting team. I remember a Pirates fan getting into a drunken brawl with a Braves fan in the ’92 NLCS. This game? Nothing. It’s like those Pirate fans in attendance knew their team sucked and the visiting fans had every right to clap, hoot and holler.
And if you can’t have fireworks on the field during the game, you can have them after the game is over. Uh, yay. Mrs. kkk loves fireworks. I’m indifferent. Here’s another PNC compliment: The seats are WAY more comfortable than the Reds stadium. And the vendors are nearly as annoying as those in Cincinnati. I’m also amazed that with this horrid economy people would pay $10 for parking and more than $6 for a giant hot dog. Damn you George W. Bush and your tax cuts for the rich.
8 p.m.
• So that's why Mark Madden hasn't been on the air the last few days.
I didn't make a comment here about Uncle Ted's condition because I have a feeling the minute I do karma is going to bite me in the ass ... hard. Good thing I had Mark to say it. Yeah, I know. It's cold in here. Brrrrrr.
Hmm, where I have heard this story before? I person on ESPN says some OFFENSIVE and nothing is done for days after the fact.
Oh fuck you all. "Longer look." Much like anything that takes place at ESPN, these faggot-ass cunts waited until a bunch of people who don't like Madden to begin with bitched.
So what if he goes after certain people -- are they untouchable? Yeah he's a pig. And that's why I listened to him several times a week.
OK, now that was funny. Wrestling fans, if you think he shilled for WCW back in the day, that's NOTHING compared to what he does with the Penguins.
So?
It's amazing. Whenever some conservative group with their panties in a wad complains about sex/violence/blacks on television/movies/radio we're always told by liberal elites to just not watch/listen to this stuff. But when it's something like Madden or Michael Savage it's HATE SPEECH. Oh well. And for the record, Madden is no conservative.
If the local Fox Sports Radio had any brains (and balls) they would hire Madden after his contract expires (he's still getting paid by ESPN). They probably won't, but I could be wrong.
