• So the better half dragged me along to some dinner that her soon-to-be boss had set up. In case I haven’t talked about this before, Mrs. kkk quit her job in June because she couldn’t take all the petty office bullshit that occurs in white-collar world. From June through this month she is baby-sitting her niece and nephew during the day and working at a local pizza shop, which I have mentioned before, at night. The reason she decided to quit was that another person she met through her now-former job was starting up a new study (Mrs. kkk has a Masters in Clinical Psychology) and said she would love to have her join the team. With the experiences I have had in regards to people telling me that a job offer is forthcoming (see yesterday’s entry as an example), pardon me if I’m a bit skeptical about promises like these. Well it looks all but certain the better half will be starting this job September 1. Yesterday her boss wanted to get her and the other staff member to get together and talk about the upcoming project. I was brought along, too, for what reason I don’t know. Her future boss seems OK. Mrs. kkk has told me for months that even though this lady has a Ph.D. she’s not as flighty as most people that accumulate multiple academic degrees tend to be. For the most part I have to agree with the better half, although once you get those fancy-sounding pieces of paper you will always have that with you, especially when you pour sugar on your penne, thinking the jar is filled with Parmesan cheese.
My theory on people who spend more time trying to stay in academia instead of trying to get a job in the real world is that the more knowledge you acquire via textbooks written by people who can’t make a living outside of State U the more common sense you have to sacrifice. When I was in college, it was always amusing to see professors with BA’s, BS’s, MBA’s, Ph.D.’s, and everything else in-between stand there in silence when trying to figure out how to operate the classroom VCR. Most of the time the channel just needed to be switched over to “3” and you had to turn the “power” and “vcr/tv” buttons, but I guess you don’t learn these sort of things when you’re reading up on the cultural lifestyles of transsexual Asian-Americans during the 1950s, or some other equally obscure nice field of study.
• I heard about this earlier today. Spooky.
• That Karl Rove is a genius. Let’s face it Republicans, according to the polls, we aren’t doing so well, and the mid-term elections are only a few months away. So what does our Lord and Savior Jesus Rove do?
1) He gets a “moderate” Democrat by the name of Joe Lieberman to lose in his primary to this liberal who had the founder of the Daily Kos blog in his political commercials. Then he gets Lieberman to run as an Independent, and it’s quite possible that Joe can win in his state's general election.
2) Rove then gets a bunch of would-be terrorists (allegedly, of course) busted who wanted to blow up several airplanes that would be going from Britain to America. I’m sure Rove knows every time a terrorist boards a plane and uses focus groups to determine if it’s more beneficial for his boss if the plane turns into fiery wreckage or if Mohammad and friends get caught beforehand.
So not only does the Bush administration get to strike fear of an impending terrorist attack into the American public, but also Rove gets to expose the Democrat Party (even more than usual) as a bunch of pre-9/11 namby pambys with their heads buried in the sand regarding Muslims who want to chop our heads off. As an added bonus, if Lieberman wins as an Independent this means that the Democrats will have one less body in the Senate. In other words, if the GOP drops to 49 seats after this next election we will still retain a Senate majority. With “Independent” Jim Jeffords and Lieberman taking up two slots, the Democrats could also only get a maximum of 49 seats, which gives any tie-breaking votes to Dick Cheney.
Every time I think the Republicans are in trouble, Karl Rove always comes through in the clutch. Did you ever know that you’re my hero?
• Speaking of arrests, the other day Maurice Clarett got pulled over by the PO-lice, who found four loaded guns, a machete and a half empty bottle of vodka in his vehicle. When the cops tried to taser him for being unruly, they discovered that Clarett was also wearing a bullet-proof vest. Wow. I know it’s hard for a black man to drive in this RACIST society of ours, but it can’t be that dangerous as to equip yourself like you’re going to war, can it? I was watching Jim Rome’s ESPN show yesterday, and it was funny to see all the sub-hosts wondering who’s to blame for Clarett’s fall? Uh, did Ohio State put those guns in his vehicle? Did the NFL strap on that bullet-proof vest? Why I bet that Buckeye football coach drank half of that vodka. Oh and fuck all those people who say "this is a sad story." That piece of shit brought all of this upon himself; I find the whole thing funny as hell.
• While I’m on the subject of running backs that may never carry another pigskin in the NFL, things don’t look good for Jets halfback Curtis Martin. If his knees are indeed shot to hell, I hope he’s saved his money over the years and can retire in peace. He wasn’t all that flashy, but he certainly got the job done. I always thought it was weird that Martin was able to play under the radar despite being in the media capital of the world for all those years.
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This chick says that her and her boyfriend are trying to go about their relationship like any good Christian couple would. However, there is one problem. Before meeting “Mr. Right” this chick had another boyfriend, and one night they had sex. As a result, the guy gave her snatch herpes. She called because she didn't know if or when the right time would be to tell her current boyfriend of her medical condition.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 60: Prime Time Andrew Doyle
I’ve known Mr. Doyle through the years via my NFL pick ‘em contest, and he seems like an OK enough bloke. He’s from Down Under, and I’ve always liked Australians. He’s also been tempted to seek the services of a hooker right after his classes finish early, but he’s too cheap to pay the $140 for a half-hour of service. Money Over Bitches. My kind of guy.
• Yet another difference between men and women. A conversation the better half and I had a few days ago.
• There are certain professions that once you find a good person at his or her craft, you latch onto them for dear life. Some examples include those in the car repair and medical field. I’d also include veterinarians in this category, too. When our one kitty got sick a few years ago our vet at the time did nothing but say, “Well he probably has cancer,” and that was it. Infuriated with the lack of service we received, the better half went to another veterinarian that was nearby. Even though there was really nothing that could be done with our cat (he died a few months later after putting up one hell of a fight against medical conditions that couldn’t be cured, and it wasn’t cancer), we were, and will be, forever grateful for the care he received. As much as I like this vet, her receptionist/customer service representative staff could use an overhaul. They’re not rude or anything like that, but God are they stupid. Our one cat Max needs a special brand of food that is not available with the brands offered to the public. Last Tuesday I placed an order for a bag of dry food, since his supply was running low. We were told that they would call us when the order arrived. Well, yesterday (one week later) I called to inquire about the status of our order, and I was told that it had been at the office for several days. I don’t think Max minded though, considering we were feeding him soft food for the previous few days when his kibble ran out, much to the chagrin of his brother and sister. It’s bad enough we have to feed Max in a separate room of the house because the other two cats always want to eat his specialized cat food, but when he’s getting specialized SOFT food it’s like a revolt is taking place in our house.
Oh, and back to the staff at this vet clinic. I had to wait 10 minutes for them to ring up my order of two bags of specialized formula and one bag of another brand of dry cat food. These people couldn’t figure out how to ring up the price. And, yes, I do keep track of how long I’m waiting to pay for a bill at this place. I don’t get mad by having to wait; it’s just something to do to pass the time away. Another observation about this place: just about every cat that is brought in for examination is quiet and well behaved. When one of my three are in their carrier, which is big enough for a medium-sized dog, they never shut up on the way there, during the examination, and on the way home.
• And now time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Some lady says that her husband was told by a friend of his to put a note in the back pocket of his jeans that were going to be washed. That way the wife will pull it out while searching through the pockets before they went into the washing machine and read it. Well this stupid idea actually worked, and the guy wrote that he didn’t know if this marriage would last. The reason? Due to the wife’s lack of sexual desire.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 59: Fazzle
A three-year kkk Bowl vet with the Carolina Panthers, plus I remember seeing a picture of him surrounded by some cute chicks that were around his age. Good work. He’s also the second poster in a row on this list who has talked about paying for sex. Weird.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
• Something I had believed all my life has just been taken away from me. No, it's not blacks having the same voting rights as me (that news hit hard a few elections ago). It's Pluto no longer being classified as a planet. And to think there are actual people out there who debate this kind of shit.
• The hell? Normally it’s the dogs that are in front of their owners running in every which way.
• New York Slimes, please please please transfer Paul Krugman to Beijing. If some researcher can get three years in jail for “fraud,” Krugman will get at least 25 to life with his next economics-based column.
• While I’m on the Journalists-in-trouble kick, I don’t know why terrorists thought they could get anywhere by capturing cable television reporter Steve Centanni. What, did they think they now have a direct line to the White House? OMG FAUX NEWS LOL2006. Wait a second. There are people who seriously think this. Oops.
• So Forbes Magazine declares Milwaukee to the America’s drunkest city. I guess those people really do like to have some wine with that cheese.
• If you had any questions regarding my recent rant about lottery people, this should put those doubts to rest. Why bother to bold-face all the funny parts of this story?
I’ve been on a customer kick as of late, so I might as well keep the trend going. Now normally bitching about stupid customers is what many former customers service representatives remember during their time at these go-nowhere jobs, but that isn’t always the case. I think one problem many customers have is that they always seem afraid to admit when they’re wrong or when they fuck up. One of my favorite customer exchanges came while working at the Quickie Mart. The store had an ATM and one afternoon a middle-aged woman went to use the services of this machine, which was one of those that you only had to swipe your card through rather than insert it into the machine. For some reason I caught the end of her transaction, and once her receipt was spit out she stood there in bewilderment for a few seconds. She then turned around to me and said, “The machine ate my card!” I replied, “No it didn’t.” When she asked, “How do you know?” I answered, “Because it can’t” and pointed to her one hand. It was at that time she looked down and saw that she was holding her ATM card. Now while many customers would probably get pissed off at this point, seeing how the lowly cashier had just “dissed” them, this lady just busted out laughing and did a variation of the “whoosh” gesture with her hand and the top of her head and left. If only more customers were like that. We all do dumb things every now and then, and if you can’t laugh at yourself then you can’t laugh any other people.
On the flip side of this spectrum are the asshole regular customers. There were many at the Quickie Mart, but one that really sticks out was “One and One Man.” This miserable old bastard always came in and would order a small coffee and a newspaper. Since a small coffee and newspaper was something like one dollar and change he would always walk by a register, say “one and one” and toss the money on the counter and proceed to make a fucking mess of sugar and creamer juice by the coffee station. Now all of this was tolerable enough, but one time he pissed me off for what he did to a co-worker of mine. To say that this kid was portly would be an understatement; he was a big boy. However, he was a nice guy, but for some reason customers always gave him shit; probably because of his girth or something equally lame. Well one day One and One Man came up to his register with just a coffee, and this kid asked him, in a polite and courteous way, “Did you already buy your newspaper today?” One and One Man snippily replied, “Did you eat?” which I managed to hear. This pissed me off, and the stare I shot at him from the time he said that until he walked out the door made him aware that I heard what he said. For the next week or two I was a bastard (well, at least more than I usually was) to One and One Man. I didn’t say anything to him, but rather I would just accept his money and return change in the same manner he would behave toward us who worked at the Quickie Mart. One Saturday morning he threw his money at me for his “one and one,” and I proceeded to throw his change right back at him, turn my back and walk away in one swift motion. He then began screaming and my co-worker (a different chick from my 8/28 entry) had to play damage control, which was nothing new considering she was the “good half” to our morning tandem. Of course One and One Man would return and return again, and I don’t think I ever said anything to him. Hopefully he’s dead by now.
• And now for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Some lady phones in and wants to know … actually, I don’t really know the reason for her call. All I was listening to was how she was unemployed and that she never gets along with the upper management at any of her places of employment. The problem, according to her, was the lack of support her bosses gave her when it came time to “back her up” with the employees she was supposed to supervise. You go girl. It sucks having to supervise people you had no part with during their hiring process. And yes, most upper managers are spineless, but that’s why they make the big bucks. However, when asked how many jobs she had worked the caller replied, “Three jobs in four months.” Goddamn, even I’m not that big of an insubordinate.
• Sure the Pirates suck, but there’s a silver lining around this dark cloud that has been above Shittsburgh for the past dozen-plus years. The Pirates are no longer in last place in the N.L. Central. And just who is currently occupying this division’s cellar? Why, it’s Racist Dusty and pals. If there’s one team or person out there that I want to see fail more than the Pirates, it’s Racist Dusty followed closely by Barry Bonds. Let’s go Bucs!
• This past weekend I was channel surfing and came across this special on a certain cable news network that makes all of us LOL in 2006. This hour-long program dealt with the cost of higher education and how much of a rip-off it is. During this broadcast we got to follow these middle-class parents who earned $125k/year and couldn’t afford to put their two daughters through college. Now this might have gotten a smidgen of sympathy from me had I heard that these kids also had jobs (they might have; I didn’t watch the entire special, but all signs pointed to “no” on this one), and when the father, who worked several jobs to try and pay for his daughters’ education, mentioned the prospect of his girls going to community college, he was greeted with laughter by his brats. While watching this family was aggravating enough, this special also highlighted the woes of some chick that burned through more than $100,000 in a quest for a Special Education Degree. When she got out of college she owed more than $80,000, and when asked how she was coping with this debt she talked about how all her friends buy retail-priced clothing while she has to look through a store’s BARGAIN RACK. She then began to cry.
• Yesterday featured the premiere of Katie Couric on the cBS Evening News. Don’t care. I don’t follow broadcast news, so why should I treat Katie any differently? I will defend her in one area though: I don’t remember NBC’s Brian Williams, ABC’s Charles Gibson or cBS’s Bob Schieffer being criticized for how they looked or what they wore.
• Oh man Allah’s going to be pissed:
Look at this head -- it's not even a real one chopped off from an unholy Westerner's neck.
• And there are those in the media who wonder why so many people hate them. Steve Irwin’s kids have just lost their father to a freak accident. One kid is eight-years old, the other one is two. Can we please refrain from headlines like "Kids of 'Crocodile Hunter' May Follow in His Footsteps" until these kids are old enough to, oh I don't know, be of legal age to work?
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This woman’s 18-year old daughter has had a continuous drug problem and wants to know if it would be a good idea if she should unknowingly sign up her daughter to take part in some nationally televised intervention program. What was the reason for the caller to take such drastic steps? Because three previous interventions with this kid have already failed.
• So Bill Clinton said a few words at Ann Richards’ funeral, and afterward Richards’ daughter thanked him for, and I quote, "all the great times that you shared with our mom." Sigh. Anyway, here’s something to ponder: if Ann would have just defeated W. in that governor’s race so many moons ago, just imagine what the world might be like today. And I’m sure you commies out there reading this are probably having different thoughts than me right now. You’re probably thinking about unnecessary wars and record deficits. I’m thinking about Al Gore being in a second term with Hitlery getting primed (more so than she is now) to take over the White House in ’08. One person’s heaven is another person’s hell, I guess.
• I know dick about college football, but these last two weeks have been great. First it was Penn State getting crushed by Notre Dame a week ago, and now today Michigan manhandled the Irish by a score of 47-21. Woo-hoo. Two teams I hate. Two weeks with one of them getting a beat down. But hey, the Nittany Lions sure showed those Youngstown State Penguins today, beating them 37-3.
• Some guy named Michael Kuhnhausen hired a hit man (allegedly, of course) that attacked his estranged wife with a claw hammer as she entered her house. The woman then strangled to death her attacker. But wait, it gets better. Inside a backpack the hit man had with him was a day planner that had the entry, “Call Mike, Get letter.” If you’re going to get someone to off your wife, I think it would be in your best interests to look for someone who didn’t clean up spooge at the porn shop you are employed at.
• So the FDA doesn’t want me to eat spinach because it could possibly contain E. coli -- now do you hippies understand my reasoning behind my “All authority must be questioned” response Political Compass question? Sometimes Big Brother really does know what’s good for you.
• Artic seals are now being found in North Carolina. Maybe those global-warming people have a point. Then again, wouldn't that mean the water is getting colder? Or is that because the ice caps are melting, making the oceans chillier? Ah hell, I've lost track what is and isn't a result of global warming.
• There seems to be a brouhaha going on in Europe about models that are “too thin.” First there was a stink at some stupid Madrid fashion show, and now Britain is getting in on the action. I never understood people in the fashion industry find 80-pound women walking up and down some runway to be appealing to the eyes. Watching chicks that make Laura Flynn Boyle look like Rosie O’ Donnell doesn’t make me want to buy the latest fashions from Paris. Then again, most of these fashion designers are queer anyway, so it’s not like they know what constitutes a good-looking woman. Give me a regular-sized, normal-looking chick wearing jeans and a t-shirt with some sports logo on the front over some string bean with tits smaller than my knuckles wearing a backless outfit that’s exposing her ribs to anyone unlucky enough to pass her by.
And speaking of Ms. Boyle, I found this tidbit from Wikipedia:
Guess Laura wasn't thin enough.
• The other day this lady from Comcast called and asked if I would like to take part in a survey. Normally I don’t pick up the phone when it comes to telemarketers, and I hang up on them without a second thought if one manages to slip past my Caller I.D. However, I have a soft spot in my heart for these survey people. First off, they’re not trying to sell me anything. Secondly, if I give them my input chances are the company they work for might cater more to my interests. Thirdly, I used to work as one of these phone survey people. Granted my time of employment at this profession was just seven hours, but it was seven hours nevertheless. When I moved to Sappy Valley in early 1999, I needed a job right away to pay the rent. I saw an ad for phone interviewers, and I figured this would be an easy way to earn a few dollars, especially since the ad mentioned the people we were to be interviewing had already agreed to take part. Of course I was outright lied to in the interview when I asked, still a bit wary about the “arranged interviews” part of that classified, if there would be any cold calling. I was told “no,” but when I sat down by my phone I was given a sheet of names and numbers. No cold-calling my ass. I gave it a go, but after my first day’s six-hour shift and one hour into my second day of work I had enough and left. There were pre-arranged interviews that some people were doing, but most of us were doing this cold-calling shit. It was then that I realized many people (or to put it more precisely, two out of every hundred) don’t like taking phone surveys.
When this Comcast lady called, I asked her right away how long this was going to take. I added that I didn’t really care; I just wanted an idea of how long I’d be on the phone. This question, at least in my personal experience, usually results in a customer hang-up, and I could tell this lady was hesitant to tell me. After answering some basic multiple-choice questions from the script that she was rushing to get through, we went our separate ways; me to exercise, her to probably get rejected by 49 other people before finding that next person willing to let her know how many times in a month he or she orders premium movies from Comcast’s On Demand service (my answer to this question was, of course, “no,” because I’m a cheap bastard). One thing that took me by surprise though was the question of where do movies first become available after they leave the theater – on DVD for sale, on DVD for rent, on premium channels, or on pay-per-view/On Demand services. I thought movies, for the most part, came out on pay-per-view or on HBO before heading to Best Buy, but I guess I was wrong considering the next question this lady asked went something like, “If recently released movies came out on On Demand before they were made available for sale or renting would you be more/less likely to order it On Demand.” Oh well. Hopefully my responses to this survey will results in Comcast scrapping its pay-per-view services and instead giving all Digital Cable subscribers fresh-from-the-theater box-office features in the “Free Movies” section of On Demand. Then again maybe not.
OK, time to see how I did this week with my NFL pickkks.
Buffalo at Miami. Correct.
Well, I was wrong about Miami winning, but I was predicting a close win for the Dolphins and went with the Bills. And since I’m going by point spreads I win. Yippie.
Carolina at Minnesota. Correct.
I predicted another upset by the Vikings, and I was right, thanks to a bone-head play on a Carolina fourth-quarter punt return, or lack thereof. I saw the Vikings play the Steelers in the preseason and was impressed with them, so in a way I’m pulling for this team.
Cleveland at Cincinnati. Correct.
Was there any doubt? I was flipping between this game and the Giants/Eagles contest, and I was fortunate enough to be watching when that Cleveland defender leveled Chad Johnson. I wonder if Chad is going to mark up on his scorecard that this week went to the opposing defense?
Detroit at Chicago. Wrong.
Roy Williams, how could you do this to me? YOU GAURANTEED A WIN THIS WEEK! I went with the Lions based solely on your promise of a victory against a team that is better than yours in every aspect of the game and yet you continue to let me down. How can I ever take you seriously ever again, Roy? I mean, it’s stupid how close I came this week from predicting 14 correct games, and thanks to you this dream was shattered into a thousand shards. If I can’t trust the predictions of a wide receiver that has done jack shit in his NFL career, whom can I trust? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at you the same way after this game, Roy. I’m sorry, but once you take advantage of my trusting nature, I’m worse than a bride who was jilted at the altar. You’re going to have to earn my respect after your boldface lying about how the Lions were going to come out of Week 2 with a 1-1 record, but sadly I don’t think you’ll be able to do that for quite some time. I want you to remember this moment, Roy. Remember how you let down the dozens of people who took your so-called ironclad lock of win. Remember your team’s inability to perform on the field. Remember this moment, Roy, as when you hit rock bottom. That is until you strap up those pads for next week’s game and the cycle of futility begins again.
Houston at Indianapolis. Correct.
This isn’t really fair. I hope for the Texans’ sake they are able to play better against mediocre opponents.
New Orleans at Green Bay. Correct.
New Orleans is 2-0 against bad teams. I guess that’s better than being 1-1 or 0-2. I can’t wait until they start playing some good teams so we can squash all the talk about the Saints being a playoff contender.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia. Wrong.
Son of a bitch. I watched the first half of this game and was impressed with the Eagles play, and then they go and piss it all away in the fourth quarter. On top of that, Emily Manning and Plaxico Burress showed some stones and pulled out the victory. Having seen Plex play in Shittsburgh, I always felt he had talent. However, there is a moment that will I will forever remember him by. After the Steelers lost to the Patriots in the AFC Conference Championship in 2004-2005 season, while Burress was complaining in the locker room about not getting the ball enough (despite him dropping a touchdown-scoring pass), fellow receiver Hines Ward was crying and promising a trip to the Super Bowl next year. Now which player do you think the Steeler fans supported and which player do you think they wanted to see head out of town?
Oakland at Baltimore. Wrong.
Man, not only is Oakland bad, they can’t even score those meaningless end-of-game touchdowns while the other team is just sitting back and letting the clock run down.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta. Wrong.
Is Atlanta really that improved from last y ear, or did Tampa Bay really drop off that much from 2005?
Arizona at Seattle. Correct.
Seattle and the NFC West is like Indianapolis and the AFC South. These divisional victories should count as half-wins or something.
St. Louis at San Francisco. Wrong.
I have no idea about the Rams. I was hoping they would build off their home win last week, but I was wrong on this one. I will manage to get some sleep tonight. I’m not sure how, but I will.
Kansas City at Denver. Wrong.
Denver won. Yippie. They didn’t win by double-digits. Shit.
New England at N.Y. Jets. Wrong.
I watched this game on television, and it’s amazing how the Patriots were able to move on the Jets even with no receivers. Also, those two touchdown catches by the New York receivers were fun to watch, and it even gave me hope that this could be the AFC’s version of the Giants/Eagles game from earlier in the day. Of course I was hoping for the Jets to pull within 6 points; I didn’t care if they won this game or not.
Tennessee at San Diego. Correct.
I asked what would be the larger number – the Chargers final score or Philip Rivers’ pass attempts. Score: 40. Pass Attempts: 35.
Washington at Dallas. Wrong.
I was wrong on this one because I though the game would be closer. Now we get to see the sports media over-hype Terrell Owens’ finger injury and ponder time and time again if he will or will not play in Philadelphia a few weeks from now. Goodie.
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville. Correct.
Now I get to hear the tales of woe from the local sports idiots in my neck of the woods. The Steelers played a team that is like them in many ways. The Steelers played a team that was 12-4 last year. The Steelers played a team that beat them at home in the regular season last year. This defeat shouldn’t have been a surprise. One thing I took note of was the ESPN announcers talk regarding Byron Leftwich and his self-described inability to run, especially considering his race and the position he plays.
I never saw Byron Leftwich as a black quarterback, ever … ever…
Is it OK for me to play quarterback, even though I have trouble scrambling out of the pocket?
Overall Score: 8-8. Cumulative Score: 17-15. Hooray for mediocrity.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 55: Bps21
I don’t talk to Bps, but that doesn’t mean I hate him. Back in the day whenever I used to pay attention to pro wrestling, I would read those “One and Only Raw Threads” that would sprout up each Monday, and I would be amazed that almost every post written by Bps seemed to be a negative, smart-ass critique of the action taking place on television. Did I mention that I liked reading these posts? He also took some of this attitude with him when he posted in other subjects, and when you have me going, “Wow. This guy is really jaded,” you know you're doing something right.
And now a word from the expert panel to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Cancer Marney:
• One of the most common lines in the journalism world is “Dog bites man, no story; Man bites dog, story.” Well is it any surprise that this article made the AP wire?
• Once again ol’ Pale Face has put one over on the hippie Indians.
In some odd way, this reminds me of a place near where I live called "Lakeview Inn." What was the reason for this place's name? Why, because there was a huge lake behind this hotel, and this was a popular place for couples to hold their wedding receptions; the lake supposedly provided some nice scenic shots for newlyweds getting their pictures taken. (I wouldn't know however because my overpriced wedding event was at a place down the road called Mountainview Inn. No, there weren't any mountains out back.) Anyway, a few years ago the owner of Lakeview was told that he either had to drain the lake or make some major environmental upgrades to it (don't ask). His decision? To drain the lake. Oh, but he still calls his place "Lakeview" even though there's nothing more than a bunch of weeds growing where the water used to be. What has this got to do with the above-mentioned Indians? Haven't got a clue.
• Tiger Woods is pissed because some tabloid has linked pictures of his wife to pornography sites. Well, at least his wife is/was a model – that's better viewing than watching Jackie Chan in a porno. No wonder he doesn’t like other people doing his stunts. (I won't even comment on the end-of-credit outtakes.)
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This lady calls in and says that after having three dates with this guy they went to get married. However, the Catholic Church told them they refused to marry the lovebirds and they ended up getting "divorced." They have been together now for six years and when the host asked if they have had sex, the caller said, “yes,” because the Church said it was OK. Actually, the caller clarified this by saying that her boyfriend said that someone from the Church told him that this was permissible.
• Yesterday I had a headache, but today was even better. I was at the office from 7 a.m.-3:30 p.m., which is the second consecutive weekend I have come in to work (last Saturday was one of those times, too). Like I have said before, even though the idea of putting in extra time seems like a real chore, I actually revel in it – that is once I drag myself out of bed, shower and drive in to work. Not only do I not have to worry about my idiot bosses or annoying co-workers, but also I get to wear shorts and skip shaving. Besides, thanks to these past two weekends, that four-day mini-vacation coming up on October 6 is looking pretty good. (Provided I stay around that long, but that’s another story for another time; I don’t like putting the cart in front of the horse.) The biggest question facing me today was when I should leave for home. You see, the Steelers were playing in Shittsburgh today, and my drive home would be greatly affected by post-game traffic if I left work too late. I had been paying attention with how the Steelers were faring in their game against the Bengals, and as 3:30 p.m. approached, I was feeling confident that the fans would stay until the game concluded sometime around 4 p.m. After all, the Steelers were ahead – what reason could people have to leave early? Oh, how about the two touchdowns scored off of stupid turnovers that put Cincinnati up 28-17 with nine minutes to go in the fourth quarter? When this dramatic turnaround happened, I got the hell out of there, fearing the gridlock I might be facing if I stayed later. Fortunately, the Steelers had a decent drive shortly after these two Bengal touchdowns and kicked a field goal, putting them within eight points of tying the game. Thanks to the Steelers keeping the game close, I had a smooth commute home. Despite this brief fear of possibly being surrounded by drunk, angry Steeler motorists on the way home from a divisional loss, this Sunday was much less eventful than last week’s, when the better half got into it with our neighbors.
Let me set the scene. It was around 8:30 p.m. and Mrs. kkk was in the cat’s room cleaning out their drinking fountain (we call this the “kids’ room” because this is where their food, water and two of their four litter boxes are placed). Suddenly, there was a lot of commotion coming from outside. For those that remember, our neighbors with the dog that won’t shut up apparently got free from her leash and was running around the neighborhood, stirring up every other canine that lives on our street. Some people were shouting at the top of their lungs for this dog to return home. As the better half looked out the one window to see what the hell was going on, the neighbor’s wife started yelling at her and said, “If you want a show, I’ll give you a show,” and pulled up her shirt. She then gave Mrs. kkk the finger. This should have some interesting developments down the road.
• So a few nights ago I decided to play on-line poker for money. I went to one place, plucked down $50 and went to work. It’s weird that when you’re not playing for fake chips and instead using actual money that you earned those 2-8 off-suite hands don’t look as appealing as they once did. I spent about 5 minutes folding before I got my first winning hand, 6-6. I then started to bluff, raise and call my way to increasing my bank account by a whopping $18 – hey, when you’re playing 50-cent/$1 blinds, you can’t expect to start raking in the six-figure jackpots right away. So with a $50 deposit, I expanded my poker empire to a whopping $68. I was on a hot streak, baby. Nothing could stop me. That was until I went to a table where the people actually knew what they were doing. Five minutes and several hands later my $68 turned to $39; that’s when I knew it was time to take my ball and go home for the night. I still have no clue as to what I’m doing, and I really don’t care either. Just let me have my fun.
• There’s this show on the TLC channel about this family from Arkansas with 16 kids. I thought I couldn’t see anything worse than that until tonight when TLC aired a show featuring a guy with three wives. Jesus Christ, one is bad enough – but three?! Boy did the redneck stereotypes flow freely throughout this bunch. I can’t wait to see how the six or so kids who live in this house turn out (although I think a compound would be a more accurate description of their living residence).
• Fucking Democrats will do anything to get their power back. How else can you explain this?
Well, I guess there’s one other scenario that might be applicable in this instance – this guy is OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND (allegedly, of course). What the hell is wrong with people? I honestly don’t know how I can make a wisecrack that’s better than the actual article itself. I mean, I guess I could say that if Barney Frank was doing this there wouldn’t be a story, but that joke is nothing when matched up against this.
• This is why I can never can fully embrace my brethren from the North. Canada, I like you and all, but not only are you a bit too tilted toward the socialist side of things for my taste, but also your freedom of speech laws leave something to be desired.
So displaying a picture of an aborted fetus is considered obscene? Larry Flynt could have one with a strap-on hitting it doggy-style with another fetus that didn’t make it through the third trimester and there would be people down here in the States calling that art (especially a particular politician from Florida; allegedly, of course).
• Well of course those “Bumfights” videos made some teens go out and pummel a homeless person to death. I guess Lionel Tate’s lawyer now has a new client to defend.
• And speaking of rumbles, screw their actual chess matches, I want to see these two retards duke it out in the parking lot.
In high school I joined the chess club during my junior and senior years. Well, actually my friend and I signed up just to play in some day-long tournament that was held at our school once a year. Hey, it beat going to class. The first match of the day always had me pitted against a kid from another school who attended this event to get out of class, too. We'd talk more about sports than we played. I usually won those games because my opponent would lose his queen first. In my second match of the day I always played against some kid who knew what he was doing, and I would get my king handed to me in no time. I'd then play a match against someone dumb like me, followed by some uber-smart kid. We also had free cookies and drinks, so all in all it wasn't that bad a day. In fact, after our junior year about a dozen other kids like us who attended just to get out of a day’s worth of classes joined my friend and me in next year’s tournament. Funny thing is that some of these kids were pretty good chess players, which pissed off those who actually attended this club's regular meetings.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Although the lady who phoned in and said she was “afraid” that her husband wanted to teach their kid the alphabet at too early an age and the guy who asked if it was OK to watch horror movies with his four-year old son are both good candidates, they can't top this one. A woman called in and asked at what age her kids should learn that their dad is a convicted sex offender. When asked how old her kids were, the caller replied, “19 and 16.”
• If you read the crap I type at this place for any length of time, chances are you know for the most part where my political loyalties reside. Well despite all the negative press surrounding the GOP, there's one weapon the Party of the Jackass can't counter: Karl Rove. Karl Rove is my hero. Karl Rove has super powers. Karl Rove can suppress votes from urban districts in a single bound. And now my confidence is running at a high that hasn't been seen in months, thanks to this article. Here's how the story starts off:
And just why is Karl Rove upbeat? A few paragraphs down we get the answer...
While this may seem like an unflattering description of Karl Rove's state of mind, you have to read in-between the lines. It helps if you're a Party Ideologue like me and have your Karl Rove Decoder Ring. Look closer:
The voting machines are going to be rigged. I love you, Karl Rove.
• Speaking of Karl Rove, is it any coincidence that right after the Mark Foley scandal, the original "Mark Foley," former Masshole congressman, and same-sex page boinker extraordinaire, Gary Studds just bit the big one? (Please note I'm talking about death and not about some well-endowed intern.) Anyone care to wager on who made the arrangements to off this guy? That's right. I love Karl Rove almost as much as I love Halliburton.
• There's a reason I don't read so-called humor columns. Because many times straight-news stories carry more hilarity than a month's worth of Dave Barry essays. I bet Karl Rove was behind this, too, just as a warning to this girl's parents as to how they should vote in the upcoming election.
My favorite part of the article; a quote from Ms. Wilson.
And what about the Secret Service people that grilled her?
I'm not dangerous. I mean, look at what icon is in my entry _ it's a . I'm a very peace-loving person.
• Oh, yeah. My NFL picks for this week.
(1.5) Buffalo at Detroit
I say the Tigers reaching the World Series will fire up the Lions and lead them to victory -- or at least a one-point loss.
Carolina at Baltimore (3.5)
I heard Dan Morgan is out for the year. I like Dan.
(6.5) Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
Cincy will take their aggressions out on the Bucs.
Houston at Dallas (13.5)
Dallas will take their aggressions out on the Texans, and T.O. will take his aggressions out on the Cowboys' receivers coach.
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta (3.5)
I'm hoping my support of the Va-giants will result in a loss for the boys in blue.
(3.5) Philadelphia at New Orleans
For some reason this game has "letdown after a big win" vibe to it, but I'll still go with the favored team.
(3.5) Seattle at St. Louis
The Seahawks have been at the top of the NFC West mountain for a while now; until they get de-throned, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.
Tennessee at Washington (10.5)
The Titans lost by one point last week when the other team was favored by double digits. I am hoping this is the start of Tennessee losing a bunch of close games.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh (6.5)
Man, if the Steelers lose this week, I'm going to avoid all local sports talk for the rest of the regular season.
Miami at N.Y. Jets (2.5)
I find it funny that a pre-season Super Bowl contender now has the Jets being favored over them.
(10.5) San Diego at San Francisco
Another bad team Philip Rivers can fine-tune his skills with.
Oakland at Denver (15.5)
For the last few years, every time I thought Oakland might make a divisional game close I have been burned.
(11.5) Chicago at Arizona
Uh-oh. I have the Bears for this game. Something tells me their winning streak is in jeopardy.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 50 and 51: Darrylxlf/AndrewTS
Now I know what you’re thinking – why are these two grouped together? Let me explain. I’m pretty sure one of them lives Down Under while the other resides not too far from my residence. At least one of them is a rather conservative fellow, and at least one of them is a video game enthusiast. There’s just one problem. I can never remember which one is which, and I stopped trying to remember because it's a chore enough not to forget other things in life like "first pants then your shoes."
And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From SFA Jack:
From EricMM:
• Wow. For all those years I was The Man, unaware or indifferent to the plight of minorities everywhere. While I sat with my fellow fat cats griping about the horrors of affirmative action and racial quotas, we all reveled in sticking it to the poor and downtrodden – and if they were dark-colored or had an unpronounceable name, bonus points were awarded. Well now the tables are turning. The United States is expected to welcome its 300 millionth citizen any day now, and the data suggest that this person will most likely be an immigrant. Probably a Mexican. It's only a matter of time before my people are eradicated from the landscape and my lily-white neighborhood will be overrun by Pedros and Rodriguezes. Why couldn’t things go back to the way they were when the tired/poor/hungry masses trying to get in were Jews?
• If being overrun by darkies wasn’t bad enough, now when I’ve finally gotten into God’s good graces by no longer living in sin, I’m in the minority of households thanks to this ring on my left hand. Well maybe if all those people wouldn’t be getting divorces we married folk wouldn’t be in the minority. And the worst thing about this is that when I tried to explain to the better half that we’d be social oddballs by getting hitched, she didn’t share my sentiments.
• In case you missed it this weekend, the University of Miami kept true to their thug image by brawling with some hippie team I’ve never heard of before. And the smack wasn’t just on the field.
Yeah. WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE. From Florida International. If you let Florida International to walk all over you, who’s next – Temple? Damn, I don’t follow college football and even I know the Owls are lousy. And for the record, I heard those comment by Thomas and was thoroughly entertained. Good job.
• Speaking of college football, the BcS standings just came out. Don’t care. College football is a fucking joke. One of the largest sports industries in this country and they don’t even bother with a playoff. You people don’t want a playoff system? That’s cool. But don’t turn around and then have these endless, stupid debates over who really is number one and who should really be ranked number two. Win your conference. Win your gay bowl game against someone from another conference and let it end there. And whenever you want to determine a true national champion, give me a call.
• I was fiddling around with Wikipedia last night and stumbled upon Coolio because I had “It Takes a Thief” playing at the time. Why, Coolio, WHY!?
In addition to owning “It Takes a Thief,” I also have “Gangsta’s Paradise” and “My Soul.” While “Thief” is by far my favorite of the three; I never really liked “Paradise,” the album or the song. “My Soul” was much better than I thought it would be. And even though he appeared on the “Comeback Show,” I’m sure it couldn’t have been as awful as that abortion of a made-for-TNT-movie dealing with sharks. Holy fuck was that a terrible piece of programming. I must do a mea culpa though because whenever I read that he was a Lazarus Demon in “Charmed” I actually remembered that episode. And then for some reason unbeknownst to me, I recalled him being in the “Daredevil” DIRECTOR’S CUT DVD playing an oppressed black man. (But, then again, aren’t they all?) Not sure if he was in the original theatrical version; I didn't see it but I vaguely remember hearing that he wasn't during some special feature on the DVD.
• I began playing Diablo II again after a long, long hiatus. I returned to my barbarian character and am killing lots of baddies. I just started Act V, and if I’m still interested in this game after passing the normal difficulty level I might give another character a whirl. That’s all I got.
• Oh today has been a fun one. For starters, the better half has been sick the last few days, which of course means it’s my turn to get sick. I was expecting, and I received. Late last night my throat began getting sore, and this morning my voice was kaput. However, since this is a busy time at my job, I still got ready to go to work. Not only am I a trooper, but also I was hoping to infect the rest of the building – I’ll have to wait a week or so to see how successful Operation Spread the Germs turned out. But it only gets better from here. As I was driving to work on a dark, rainy road, I suddenly noticed this rather large truck (think those U-Hauls with $39.99/day painted on the side of them) that began to merge into my lane. It’s always nice to see your life flash before your eyes when a vehicle much larger than yours starts to make its way to the spot you’re currently occupying. Fortunately I slammed on the brakes and swerved out of the way. After laying on the horn for about a minute I wrote this asshole’s license plate down, called his employer after I got in to work and said some not-so-nice things. Then, in a weird twist of fate, I heard the following on my local RIGHT-WING RADIO station:
Wonderful. So maybe next time when I blast on my car's horn in hopes of not getting crushed to death, I'll know that the red diaper doper babies who allowed the blind/deaf/mute driver to control several tons' worth of vehicle made sure he or she wasn't a victim of employer discrimination.
• CNN aired footage of terrorist snipers trying to pick off American troops.
I guess I could ask why the CNN didn’t show, in order to bring to light the “unvarnished truth” about terrorists, Michael Berg’s beheading. I guess I could also ask why CNN, and the rest of the media, no longer show footage of airplanes going into the World Trade Center, or the video of people stuck in the Twin Towers jumping to their deaths. Fine. But now I’ll remind myself that CNN is the same cable news network that wouldn't show those Danish Mohammad cartoons.
• Well, at least there’s one front to the War on Terrorism that’s succeeding.
NBC is ready to cut.
Mercury News announces layoffs.
Inqurer, Daily News layoffs expected.
New York Times quarterly profit falls.
Even in these troubled times, it still pays to see the silver lining around a dark cloud. Courage, Medium-Large Media. Courage.
• A few years back I remember a bunch of liberals goofing on Bill O’Reilly for some adult-themed book he wrote called “Those Who Trespass.” It was naughty and supposedly had sex and violence jam-packed throughout this story. I said “supposedly” because I didn’t read this book and I don’t intend to. Not because I’d be offended by the graphic details but rather because I don’t care. Fast forward a few years to the present day. The battle for Virginia’s Senate seat has heated up when the Republican candidate, George Allen, made some RACIST remark to some guy from the other candidate’s staff. It was some goofy word for monkey, or was it “stupid dark person”? Hell, I don’t know, and once again I don’t care. I also heard that there have been some “questions” of Allen hanging a confederate flag 20 years ago or something. Once again, I don’t care. He may have also said the “n” word, too. Ohs nos.
Well now the tables have turned, or somthing. Turns out Allen’s opponent wrote some goofy books years ago and now these books are being used as political fodder. Haha.
But here’s my favorite part.
So Karl Rove wrote these books that are now being used against Webb. Rove must have gotten into his brain and typed out these passages while Webb was under his influence. And Rove also knew all this would happen years before the 2006 election. My n*gga.
• Below are my results from last week’s NFL pickkks.
Carolina at Cincinnati. Correct.
I knew Carolina would be in this game, even if it resulted in a “L.”
Detroit at N.Y. Jets. Correct.
Looks like my Tigers lose/Lions lose theory is bearing fruit. I may go with it again this week.
Green Bay at Miami. Correct.
Woo-hoo. Three-for-three. Wow is Miami laying a dud this year.
Jacksonville at Houston. Incorrect.
Damn. I couldn’t have been the only one wrong in this one.
New England at Buffalo. Correct.
The Pats are riding high, and the Bills are, well, not.
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
I thought the Eagles would bounce back from last week’s loss at New Orleans. Guess I was wrong.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta. Incorrect.
The local fans are already throwing Troy Polamalu under the bus for not “containing” Vick in overtime and instead going for the big hit, which he missed, and resulted in an Atlanta first down and eventually the game-winning field goal. Leave a brotha alone. I still can’t believe some of the idiot fans here were expecting this team to contend for another Super Bowl. They got a year older. They played a full-postseason (an extra quarter of a season). They lost some key free agents. And they have played a rough schedule. Granted they should have won at Atlanta, but when you go up against Jacksonville, Cincinnati and San Diego, in the regular season you’re not going to win all three of them.
San Diego at Kansas City. Incorrect.
Shit.
Denver at Cleveland. Correct.
Whenever you have a few picks not going your way you can always count on Cleveland to bail you out.
Arizona at Oakland. Incorrect.
First the Cardinals play good enough to lead the Bears after three quarters, and now they lose to this team? Perhaps Arizona is the worst NFL team this year.
Minnesota at Seattle. Correct.
Boy did Seattle get whipped at home. So much for this being a close Seahawk victory.
Washington at Indianapolis. Incorrect.
I at least thought the Redskins would show up for this one and keep the contest within single digits.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas. Correct.
The fans wanted Tony Romo. They got Tony Romo.
This week’s record: 7-6. Cumulative record: 47-53.
Why is it so much easier to lose ground rather than to make up ground?
• Well who didn’t see this one coming?
Wow, and he's not Catholic. Well he wouldn't be; the other guy isn't nine years old.
Oh did you now?
Just what the hell has gay marriage got to do with any of this shit? It sounds like to me the good reverend didn’t want to get hitched with you.
Lies. All lies. I’m sure they were talking about Bibles. Damn you liberal media.
I’m a bit of an odd bird when it comes to religion. On one hand some of the biggest hypocrites and two-faced shitbags I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting came from places of worship. On the other hand I strongly support people and their right to worship. I think the best way to describe my opinion on this subject is that the only thing I hate more than a Jesus freak shoving a Bible in my face is some atheist fuck who wants to hold an entire community hostage because of some harmless Nativity scene. I really don’t care about the Pat Robertsons or Jerry Falwells, but I think that’s because they get vilified enough by others in the media that I don’t feel like piling on. I save my bile for assholes like the Fascist Barry Lynn, who I’ve mentioned before is one of these separation-of-church-from-everything-remotely-public assholes that just flat out gets on my nerves. I love how some people’s concept of religious tolerance is forbidding 99 people to sing “Silent Night” at some school concert because one person isn’t Christian. To me, the tolerance would be that one person shutting up and letting the other 99 do their thing. It’s not like they’re taking turns sodomizing the heathen with a broomstick. And, yes, I practice what I preach. Even though I’m a confirmed Lutheran, I don’t consider myself a religious person. Hell, I don’t know if I’m even all that spiritual. Is there something up there or down below? I have no clue. But if I’m in a group that says a prayer before some meeting or event, I don’t go OMG QUIT TRYING TO SHOVE YOUR PURITAN VIEWS DOWN MY THROAT!!!! I just bow my head, close my eyes, and let the rest of the people around me do their thing. Now is that so goddamn hard?
• Oh what the hell now? I was never a Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy hater, but now he’s starting to get on my nerves a bit.
Oh no you didn’t.
A few days ago I mentioned hearing on Neal Boortz’s show a race-baiting political ad that took place in Atlanta. Now the commercial’s speakers claim the ad wasn’t inflammatory. Here are some highlights of the linked article.
OK. Now, let's go back to that ad’s message.
Yeah. I see no race-baiting there. Well, I wouldn’t if I was brought up in one of those inner-city government schools because I wouldn’t be able to read the text. Say, this gives me an idea, but first I have to take a trip down memory lane. Back in my college days, Pennsylvania’s governor at the time, Tom Ridge, was running for re-election, and the Democrats nominated a guy that makes Lynn Swann look like a serious gubernatorial contender. The guy’s name was Ivan Itkin, and he was a nice-enough person. The problem was he had no money in his campaign coffers, and he didn’t run the greatest of campaigns either. However, he managed to show up at our college’s television studio for a taped interview session. Of course, he didn’t realize that this recording was only going to be broadcast within our college dorm rooms; I think the broadcasting professor fibbed a little when telling him who was going to be watching this taped interview. But I digress.
After the interview concluded, I was waiting for Itkin to get the television makeup off his face so that I could ask him a few questions for our student newspaper. During that time I spoke with our broadcasting professor, who was a nice enough chick. There was one problem: Because I was studying print media, and she dealt with broadcast journalism, I don’t think she got the memo on what my political opinions were. You may find this hard to believe, but I wasn’t the most popular kid in college. I didn’t recite what Rush said in my classes in an attempt to throw my professors’ lesson plan off course, but I didn’t back down from a debate or snide liberal remarks, either. Well, this prof began talking to me about a local event that was making some waves, and I think she had assumed that I was on the same side of the topic as she was. She was wrong.
There was this community that wasn’t too far from where I lived, and some politicians were trying to “integrate” the community. In an effort to “diversify” this neighborhood, which had families who worked all their life in order to get where they were, the government was trying to relocate ghetto trash from the city to this corner of suburbia. Naturally, the residents of this community didn’t take too kindly to this effort and were trying to do everything in their power to stop this social experiment. I don’t blame these people one iota for doing so; the professor, on the other hand, did — and rather emphatically, too. Of course, when she said to me, “Can you believe these people (the current residents) would act this way?” I replied, “Yes, as would I.” Wrong answer. Thank God she wasn’t in charge of my grades for any of my classes. I then made some remark about how if people who want to give freeloaders something that should be earned, then these do-gooders should let these people move into their communities. Wrong answer again. Fortunately, Itkin came out from his makeup room to my rescue, and I went to ask him a few questions.
Yeah, I know. I’m a big ‘ol racist. Sorry folks, but this has nothing to do with race. It has to do with money. If you own a house, chances are it will be the biggest investment of your life. When your neighborhood becomes the focus of a social experiment where people who have not earned the property they were given suddenly get handed the American dream, it’s a sure bet the upkeep of their residence will be less than spectacular. Add a few more houses that will suffer from this condition, and just try to sell your property at the market value you think it’s worth. As a homeowner, I would fight tooth and nail if my local representatives tried that shit on my block. As long as my next-door neighbors don’t have a fleet of cars with cinder blocks as wheels parked out on their front lawn, I don’t care what race they are.
Anyway, the reason for this story is that in case I’m ever in this situation, I’ll simply take the commercial copy from those Hot-lanta race-baiters and reword it to suit my needs.
If this doesn’t work I’ll burn a lower-case “t” on a few lawns, telling them it’s “time to leave.”
Oh, and back to my Itkin story. After I spoke with this guy, I was by an elevator waiting to leave for the night. This makeup chick was waiting by the elevator, too. I was waiting for an elevator going down to the main floor where I would then head out to a nearby local bus stop while she was waiting for an elevator going up to her dorm. We struck up a conversation about Itkin, and this chick began saying what a nice man he was. I added, “too bad he has no chance of being elected.” Befuddled, I was asked why. After explaining to this journalism student several reasons why Ridge would be a two-term governor — 1) Bad campaign strategy, 2) No money, 3) Going against a popular governor — she got a depressed look on her face and said, as the elevator door opened for me, “Oh no, that means four more years of Governor Tom Ridge.” I replied, as the doors began to close, “You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.” As her jaw dropped and her look of horror turned into a look of disbelief, I gave her a parting wink.
I went two for two that night.
• Ever experience one of those moments when time seems to slow down or stand still? Many people tend to experience these sensations during a car accident or some other surreal event. Well, earlier today I went through such a feeling -- in the bathroom. I had just finished doing my business, and as I was getting myself adjusted to head out of the bathroom stall, my wedding ring slipped off my fingers. As the ring landed on the tile floor, it made a piercing “ping” sound and bounced back up several feet into the air. As I stood there dumbfounded I watched the ring spin in midair against a backdrop of a toilet in mid-flush. Fortunately for me, the ring was moving to the left. Had it been headed the other way, it would have landed in the flushing toilet, leaving me s.o.l. In those few seconds where I just stood there watching the ring take flight, everything seemed to move in slow motion. However, I knew that the moment I reached out, time would speed up by at least double. Sometimes you just have to thank your lucky stars fate didn’t bounce a certain way.
• For disappointed Republicans who are dreading the day Democrats re-take the Congress, keep this in mind. Had Cynthia McKinney not punched a police officer this year, there’s a good chance that she could have been a high-ranking member of the House of Representatives. Then again, I’m disappointed that she was defeated in her 2006 Democrat primary. After all, the person who is going to replace McKinney in the House of Representatives is just gong to be another Democrat politician. Cynthia McKinney was Cynthia Mcfreakin’Kinney. The conspiracy theories. The race-baiting. The hilarity. I, for one, am sad to see her go. But not to worry. There's always Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee, and that bitch who refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
• I normally don’t talk about pro wrestling, but my local media had some feature stories about Kurt Angle yesterday. When I used to follow wrestling back in the mid- to late-1990s Angle was always a favorite of mine. Not only was he a great wrestler, but he was also extremely entertaining out of the ring. However, what I always found funny was that while many people applauded his mic skills, back in the mid-‘90s he was hired as a local television sports reporter after his olympic fame. His broadcasts were so bad that they were the stuff of legend in the Shittsburgh market. Even though he flopped as a “reporter,” I’m sure he learned enough from his time doing spots for Fox News (the local affiliate, not everybody’s favorite cable news channel), and I’m sure this experience helped him when he chose to become a pro wrestler. I haven’t kept up with Angle’s career over the last few years, but I hope he's making choices that will benefit his health. Sadly, I don’t think he is.
Here are the articles. First the Tribune-Review:
Now the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette:
Might as well get these out of the way first. Rest of the games will be coming later today:
(2.5) Miami at Detroit
Normally Detroit, no matter how shitty they are all season, seem to get up for this one time they are on national television, but I feel like ruining the Dolphins' winning streak by picking them instead.
Tampa Bay at Dallas (11.5)
Dallas will probably win, although this is could be a letdown week for them. Because of that, I'm going with the upset or a close Cowboys win.
Denver at Kansas City (1.5)
It's a divisional game, and it's pretty much a straight-up pick 'em. I'll go with the Chiefs for the heck of it.
Arizona at Minnesota (6.5)
I’m eyeing that point spread with caution, but I think the Vikings will be able to pull this one out.
(4.5) Carolina at Washington
Time for Carolina to do that second-half-of-season run, and I’m only a few weeks late in jumping on this train.
Chicago at New England (3.5)
I heard someone today mention this as a possible Super Bowl match-up. Or should I say rematch? That got me the thinking about the last time these two met in the Super Bowl, with Chicago crushing New England. I also remembered the two teams making music videos. Most every football fan from the 1980s remembers the Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle, but I also recall the Patriots song. I don’t remember much about it, but the chorus went something like, “New England, the Patriots and me,” or something like that. I actually preferred the Pats song over the Bears as a kid, and after re-watching both I remember why I liked it better. I'm a fag. Well, that and also because I think it satisfied my ADD. I also remember the New York Mets had a tune of their own, but the only thing I remember about that is some guy in the video treating several Met players like bobblehead dalls, and they beat him up. Ha. That guy was Joe Piscopo. Oh, yeah. I take the Patriots in this one; I think their defense will be too much for Rex Grossman.
(3.5) Cincinnati at Cleveland
The battle of Ohio. I think the Bengals will win and start a run for a Wild Card spot.
Houston at N.Y. Jets (5.5)
After a tough loss to the Bears and with the Texans coming in, I’d normally go with the Jets, but that point spread. Oh what the hell. I’ll take them anyway.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Buffalo
I’m a little surprised at this spread, which is why I’ll take the Jags on the road.
New Orleans at Atlanta (3.5)
Even though I think the Saints might be in the start of a predicted late-season fall, I can’t go with the Falcons with how shitty they have played as of late.
(3.5) N.Y. Giants at Tennessee
Like the Jacksonville game, the point spread surprises me. Then again, Tennessee can play a team tough. Nevertheless, I’ll go with the Giants on the road.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis (9.5)
First the Eagles lost McNabb. Now they face a Colts team that had its first loss of the season. I’ll take Indy, even with the spread.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (2.5)
If Baltimore wins, hopefully this will shut up the idiot Steeler fans who think the black and gold are still in playoff contention. This is a physical rivalry, but the Ravens play the Steelers good at home. Throw in McNair, and I’ll also throw in a few touchdown passes.
San Francisco at St. Louis (5.5)
San Francisco has been playing well as of late, and St. Louis has been screwing me over. Fuck the Rams.
Oakland at San Diego (13.5)
I don’t like that spread, and I’ve won with Oakland losing somewhat close games as of late. I think that streak ends with a blowout, especially with what happened the last time these two played earlier in the season.
Green Bay at Seattle (10.5)
I’m taking Seattle, and I STILL don’t know who is starting at quarterback and running back.
Spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.
Yesterday I was fiddling around with Comcast’s On Demand service and decided to check out this new horror section. While browsing through the selection of so-called horror movies, I figured what the hell and watched "Night of the Living Dead." Of course, this wasn’t the original black-and-white version. Instead, it was the crappy re-make that was done back in the late 1980s; why they decided to do this I have no idea. Hell, nobody really dies from zombies either. Now granted there were that many zombie-related deaths in the first one, but you'd figure with the remake they'd show a few humans getting eaten. Well, OK, that kid’s mom gets killed by her daughter, but that zombie-kill doesn’t count. And the ending was just plain dumb. First off, I liked the black guy in the original, and you felt bad when he got off’d. With Living Dead v. 2.0, he turns into a zombie and the chick who got killed in the original version is now the heroine. At least some things didn’t change. The film still took place in redneck-ville, and the sad thing is the producers did a pretty decent job of capturing the residents of the flyover portions of Pennsylvania.
I’m not a big zombie fan, and when it comes to the “of the Dead” set of movies, I have to say the original “Night of the Living Dead” was my favorite. “Day of the Dead” comes in second with “Dawn of the Dead” a distant third. I haven’t seen “Land of the Dead” yet, so as of right now I’m pretending it never happened. I started a thread a while back about why I don’t like “Dawn,” and my feelings on the matter haven’t changed much, if at all. In fact, I must reiterate the following:
A side note regarding “Day of the Dead,” back in the 1980s I had this friend who would always say, “Fucking ‘a, biggest piece of meat in the cave.” Once I saw “Day,” I finally got what he was talking about. Oh, and the one guy, I think he was the commander, reminded me of Eric Bischoff.
While watching last night’s movie, it got me the thinking. If zombies were to roam the streets, how would I react? Well, I probably wouldn’t bother boarding up the house. They’re going to get in anyway, so I should spend my energy elsewhere. Now, if I heard on the news about the zombie-fest from home and had a few hours to think about what to do, I might consider driving to my brother-in-law’s house. Not only is it a bigger house than mine, but he has guns and I’m sure he has an attic or something that can offer better protection. If this plan was deep-sixed, I’d try to get up in my pseudo-attic. The problem is I’d have to unscrew some ventilation fan in order to get up there. I’d also have to pray the zombies don’t pile upon each other because the ceiling is only a few feet above my head.
I think a better course of action would be to go into the either my basement’s fruit cellar or garage. The garage would be the less preferred of the two because while there is only one door to get in or out, I’m sure if enough zombies banged on the garage door they might eventually break in. And considering the car in the garage would be blocked the other care in driveway, I really wouldn’t be able to drive away. The fruit cellar would be a better barricading facility. There’s only one door, and I could put a pantry in front of it, too. The only problem is that there are no bathroom facilities, but oh well. The only problem with this shelter, like many other options, is that I would have no idea what’s going on in the outside world. Then again, if zombies were roaming about, I don’t think I’d want to know what’s going on. Any, yes, the cats would be in the fruit cellar with me and the better half.
• Uh-oh. Jesus at a Christmas festival. Egads. Actually, I think a better argument would be complaining about the commercialism of Christ’s birthday, but whatever. This reminds me of an episode of M*A*S*H* when Hawkeye and McEntire were trying to get some medical device and eventually ended up at a general’s press conference. After the general said some powder-puff remarks, our commie surgeons started asking what M*A*S*H* units weren’t properly equipped with devices that could help save soldiers. The reporters then began following up on this inquiry. Flustered, the general says, “This is a press conference. The last thing I want to do is answer a bunch of questions.” Not sure if this is relevant here, but it just popped into my mind.
• Former vice presidential candidate John Edwards doesn’t like Wal-Mart, even though his staffers don’t mind trying to get Playstation3s from the retail giant.
But that’s not what I want to talk about. This is funnier:
Maybe the reason limousine liberals don’t like Wal-Mart is because it doesn’t offer valet parking.
• So I was goofing around with Comcast's On Demand again and came across this gem of a movie called “Pumpkinhead.” Oh dear God. I’m not going to bother talking about the plot, so let me rip off what someone at IMDB said.
OK. First question. Who the hell would name a demon Pumpkinhead? Oddly enough, rather than looking like a pumpkin, this demon looked more like that thing from the Hellraiser movie that just roamed around in that hallway and fought the leading lady over that hippie cube toward the film’s climax. Pumpkinhead was one of those movies that was so bad I couldn’t stop watching. I will say that I liked how the guy who called up Pumpkinhead slowly turned into him, or whatever the hell it was he did. And at least the dog lived, or I think it did.
Oh, man. There are Pumpkinhead sequels? I’m sure they will appear On Demand in the next month or so.
• Here we go again. Another red diaper doper baby telling the rest of the country how their lives should be run … um, actually, I’ve always wondered how blind people figure out what bill denominations they are giving out during a purchase.
• I guess Playstation3s are in such high demand that even cops are killing people to get their hands on these things.
I’m a bit of an odd bird when it comes to my video game history. Hey, what better way to transition into something that could be worth a day’s entry, and maybe more? As a kid, video games were my passion. Well, maybe not my “passion,” but I sure played them enough. Even now I spend way too much time in front of a television or computer monitor killing some demon or scoring a go-ahead touchdown. Well it beats being out on the street causing trouble or spending quality time with the wife. Let’s take a stroll down my video game history, shall we?
The Atari 2600 was my first video game console, and of course I played the hell out of the poor thing. Later on when my first system went to video game heaven, it was replaced by an Atari 7800. However, I don’t recall a single 7800 game purchased other than Xevious. After my 2600 playing days were over, I moved on to the … hey, wait a minute. I still have my 2600/7800 games. What better time than now to look in my Rubbermaid container that’s in the walk-in closet in the room from where I am currently typing and take a trip down memory lane? There we go. Now it’s time to see my Atari 2600/7800 game collection and note that all the money spent on these games could have went to purchase Microsoft stock. I have these games ranked by the company that made them, or something of that nature. You'll figure it out.
Activision Games: Commando (I have two of this title. I must have broken or stolen one of them), Decathlon, Dolphin (more on this one below), Keystone Kapers (I always laughed when I made the cop duck because it looked like he was going to the bathroom; when I got a “best of Activision game” a year or two ago one of the first things I did was play this title and, sure enough, made the cop duck just so it looked like he was pinching a load), River Raid (loved this one, even though I was, and still am, terrible at it).
I have no idea what posse the following games were from. They were funky cartridges that were long, thin and black with a slanted top saying the game’s title. None of these have any artwork. Astroblast, Football, Kool-Aid Man (!), Soccer. Here’s a little more background on the above-mentioned football game. One Christmas my cousin had his uncle figure out how to control his team’s players, and I proceeded to get slaughtered something like 100-0. I got my revenge next year when I learned how to run and pass, but I think that was also the same Christmas when I got the air hockey table and my football glory was short-lived. While playing air hockey, my cousin was cheating (or something) and I was calling him on it. I think our house rules was that a player wasn’t allowed to go beyond the table’s middle stripe, and he was constantly violating this rule. I then proceeded to get yelled at by my mom and aunt for my enforcement of these ever-so-strict guidelines because I was beating him anyway (what I lacked in other facets of my life I more than make up for in air hockey, believe you me). My cousin said something smart-ass to me and I replied, “OK, DICK FACE!” and wailed my air-hockey paddle at him, much to the horror of all the adults that were in the room (except my dad; I think he found the whole thing funny as hell). Memories.
Imagic Games (the ones with a sorta slanted top and this fancy silver label): Cosmic Ark, Demon Attack.
EPYX Games (mostly white labels; I can’t describe these games any further than to point out I didn’t play these titles a lot): California Games, Sea Hunt, Summer Games, Winter Games.
US Games (white background label with a blue background with a white lettering to the cartridge’s top). Eggomania (I can’t begin to describe this one), Gopher, Name This Game (It was a contest and was sorta like a Sea Hunt-type game, only better; you had to fight off a shark that got faster with each passing level and this big, black octopus.)
Other: Amidar (I have no idea what this is but an ape, pig, painter and Indian with a bone in his nose are on the cover; I think I may have been a Pac-Man-like game where you had to fill a screen with something before the bad guys get you), Blueprint (no idea) and this cartridge with the label ripped off. I think it is “Frogger” because I know I had this game and can’t find it elsewhere. Now that I think about it, I know it’s “Frogger” because that game used to piss me off to the point where I got so mad I would take the game out of the console and BITE IT!!! Eventually the saliva dissolved/tore off the game’s label. What in God’s name is wrong with me?
Now time for the basic Atari cartridges: Adventure (you’re a square and have to fear the green/yellow/red dragons, unless you have the sword that looks like "-->"), Asteroids, Battlezone, Centipede (once I found out you were an elf with a hippie wand, my opinion of this game declined; I thought for quite a while you were in some cool spaceship blasting away), Berzerk, Combat, Defender, Donkey Kong, Golf, Joust (one of my favorites), Jungle Hunt, Kangaroo, Mousetrap, Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-Man, Real Sports Baseball, Space Invaders, Superman, Vanguard (I don’t remember much about this game other than it was one of my favorites), Video Pinball, Yars Revenge (loved that cover).
Hey, aside from Xevious I also had Choplifter for the 7800, along with Pole Position (or was it Pole Position II?)
Here’s another memory of the 2600: There were some games where if you got to a certain score you could win a prize if you took a picture of the game with a camera and mail it in. One of these titles was Activision’s Dolphin. As a kid I could never achieve this score (I think it was 100,000). Believe me, this was frustrating, especially since I really wanted that hippie Dolphin patch. Years and years later while a college student I dusted off my 7800 to play some old games. One of these games I put in the 7800 was Dolphin and began playing. And playing. And playing. It wasn’t until I was about 90 percent of the way through the game when I noticed how close I was to accomplishing what I gave up so long ago doing. Then the pressure hit. Although I lost a few dolphins to that bastard squid, I eventually beat the game. The best way I could describe the feeling is to compare it to that day when you are finally able to beat your old man in a one-on-one basketball game. So you’re now better than your father at something you spent years trying to best him at. Big deal. You don’t feel any different and your dad knows his glory days are behind him anyway, so it’s not like he cares much either.
One final note. Just to embarrass myself even more than I already do, I would like to say that I took pride in owning every game that was on the Pac-Man Fever album: Pac-Man, Frogger, Centipede, Donkey Kong, Asteroids, Defender, Mousetrap and Berzerk. And yes, I do remember them in order. However, I didn’t remember the actual titles to all the games, just the games they represented. Now if you will excuse me, I got a pocket full of quarters and I’m headed to the arcade.
• Imagine you're a happily married woman who wanted to watch the sun set while sitting on your back porch. Now imagine opening your back door to this.
OK, now I don't know what would creep me out more: The fact your husband has chosen to have sex with the family dog, or the fact he chose to do this OUTSIDE ON YOUR BACK PORCH (allegedly, of course). Photos were taken by your wife of you having sex with the family dog. How, if you're the guy in this situation, can you possibly have a defense for this? You were drunk? The bitch was asking for it? I'm actually interested to see what the defense has to say with this one.
• Wow. Another story about how the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer, and this time it's on a global scale.
Still don’t care. Although I liked this part.
Assuming property and other things of worth are covered under "assets," my household is well in the top 10 percentile of the world’s richest adults. That means I’m oppressing the other 90 percent of this world. Awesome. Now if I can only get a Mexican to mow my lawn.
• Eh, I still prefer Affirmative Action bake sales.
• Boy did Neal Boortz had a field day with this story on his show today. That's all I can say about this one.
And down the final stretch I come:
Cleveland at Pittsburgh (7.5)
The Browns are riding high after an upset win against the Chiefs last week. Now they come to Shittsburgh to take on a divisional foe who they should have beaten a few weeks ago. Will they emerge victorious this week? I don't know, but I'll take them with that point spread the way it is.
(3.5) Atlanta at Tampa Bay
I'm helping out the Falcons in their attempt to reach the postseason. I know if I would have picked them, the Bucs would have defeated them, thus prompting me to say the following week, "Atlanta's late-season collapse is still alive and well, and I fell into the trap of thinking they'd win two in a row." This is why I'm picking Tampa Bay, so that way I don't have to say the above sentence in next week's entry.
Baltimore at Kansas City (2.5)
Kansas City is a tough place to play at, but the Ravens defense is a tough unit to run against. I guess I could look up the stats and see if this is actually true, but that would requre effort.
Buffalo at N.Y. Jets (4.5)
I never thought this game could have playoff implications this late in the season, but it does. Good for everyone involved. I'm taking the Bills due to the spread.
(1.5) Indianapolis at Jacksonville
The Jags have been off-and-on this year while the Colts have been a bit more consistent. With me taking Indy, perhaps this is the game in which Jacksonville gets over the hump.
Minnesota at Detroit (2.5)
The Vikings have been struggling as of late, although I wouldn't consider their woes to be that dire where the Lions are the favored team in this matchup.
(3.5) New England at Miami
Hmm, the Pats were nearly upset last week at home against Detroit. The Dolphins were defeated by the Jags at home. I'll go with New England to rebound against a divisional opponent.
New Orleans at Dallas (6.5)
I'm sure Dallas will win, but that spread. Well, the Cowboys have that defense. Plus they're at home. OK then.
N.Y. Giants at Carolina (3.5)
Each team has been inconsistent as of late, so it's a case of pick your poison. I'll take Carolina.
Oakland at Cincinnati (10.5)
I don't like that point spread, but Cincinnati is a lot different than Oakland weather-wise this time of the year.
(1.5) Philadelphia at Washington
I'll take my chances with Jeff Garcia, who I forgot was with the Eagles this year. I feel bad for the guy. Back in his San Francisco days, Terrell Owens made some homophobic remarks toward him and the national sports media didn't show a fraction of the outrage it had over T.O. and his feud with Donovan McNabb.
Tennessee at Houston (1.5)
Riding high off an upset win against the Colts, I'm sure the Titans will crash and burn here, but I'm a sucker for teams that score big wins the week before.
Green Bay at San Francisco (5.5)
I think the 49ers have a great shot at winning ... oh who am I kidding, I have no clue. I'm taking the Packers because of that point spread.
(3.5) Seattle at Arizona
I remember when Joe Bugel used to coach the Cardinals, Arizona would start out bad but come on strong late in the season and the "should Joe get fired?" talk would commence. This usually resulted in, "let's give him one more year because his players like him and they're playing hard to keep his job." Well Dennis Green ain't Joe Bugel. Not sure if that's an insult or compliment.
Denver at San Diego (7.5)
San Diego will probably win, but with that point spread I'll take divisional foe Denver.
(6.5) Chicago at St. Louis
I'll go with the Rams at home to make this competitive. I'm still getting flashbacks to the Bears/Cardinals Monday Night game earlier this year.
Well the better half gave me one of my Christmas presents last night, and it sure was a surprise. We went to Heinz Hall last night for that evening's performance. For those that don’t know, Heinz Hall is a hoity toity place where NPR listeners and PBS viewers go to partake in all that artsy fartsy crap. So what was on the itinerary for that evening? The symphony? A choir performance? Ballet? Uh-uh.
Carlos f'n Mencia.
Even if you aren’t a fan of Mencia, to sit in a place like Heinz Hall and look around at a crowd that would normally be cleaning the establishment after hours than actually being paying customers was worth the price of admission alone, especially seeing all the senior citizen ushers who had to endure the three hours of foul language, raunchy humor and racial epithets being tossed about like candy. While some may not like Mencia’s humor or Comedy Central “Mind of Mencia” program, I enjoy much of his work, mainly because I’ve thought/voiced similar opinions many times in the past. I remember back in the mid-1990s I was watching a HBO stand-up act with some Mexican comedian, and to this day it was one of my favorite comedy specials of all-time. I never knew the guy’s name, and when I first saw “Mind of Mencia” a while back I began to wonder if this was the guy I saw a decade ago. Sure enough, a couple of months ago I saw this HBO special on Comedy Central and it was indeed Mencia.
I’m not one to go to concerts or events like these because, frankly, I’m a cheap bastard. What’s the point of paying money to see a band play one time when I can buy a CD and listen to the same song numerous times? Now granted there are people who like the concert experience, and if that’s your thing, then good for you. Me, I would rather listen to a song in the comfort of my home while typing on the computer. (I’ve got ACDC’s “If You Want Blood” concert CD playing as I’m currently typing.)
After dinner we were waiting for Heinz Hall’s auditorium doors to open, and let me tell you it was an … interesting … crowd we were standing alongside. It was weird being one of the older people at this place; most ticket holders looked to be college students, although there were a few old-timers scattered throughout. My favorite person was some guy with a hoodie whose back featured a picture of W. and read “Not my President.” Wonderful. Another type of patron that caught my eye were families attending this event with pre-teens. The hell? Oh well, it’s not my problem. However, I have to wonder if these parents knew what they were getting themselves into. Three hours worth of racial and sex humor is deemed quality family time? I can’t believe every family unit was aware of what was going to be presented on stage. In fact, there were a few people in my section who got up and left during the show – I guess the 59th time the word “nigger” or 97th time “fuck” was uttered was too much for them. Prudes.
Although I still know there are several Christmas gifts coming my way (the most recent South Park DVD, for example), this concert was a surprise. Hell, I didn’t even know this comedy tour was coming to Shittsburgh; it’s not like this area has been overrun by Mexicans … yet.
