10 p.m.
• I actually thought about saying this at my wedding just for a joke. Good thing I didn't or I wouldn't be alive today to tell this story. Then again I'm sure other people are saddened I didn't open my mouth for once.
8 p.m.
• It's official. Bill Cowher is no longer coaching the Steelers.
I'm sure there's some behind-the-scenes stuff going on, but this is probably as good-natured a departure as you're going to get in the NFL. I've talked about Cowher before, and while I contend the Steelers underachieved in regards to only reaching the Super Bowl twice under his tenure despite quite a few Conference Championship games, I have always thought him to be great at what he does. Sure there were quite a few big games where the other team's coach outclassed him in preparation and execution (New England in '05 comes to mind), but I'm sure any football fan would gladly endure all that heartbreak rather than look forward to that top draft pick year in and year out. I will add that I didn't like the fact he started Ben Roethlisberger in this season's Raiders contest after getting knocked out of a game the week before. Sure Roethlisberger play terrible and threw a few interceptions that were run back for touchdowns, but I didn't care about that; I was concerned for his health. That aside, I hope Cowher enjoys his time off. He's earned it. Oh, and from an August entry:
5:30 p.m.
• Just came back from the eye doctor, who dilated my pupils. Looking at the computer screen is ... interesting. Oh man, I am so on drugs right now. So what magazine was I looking at while in the waiting room? Highlights Magazine, baby. It's been years since I looked at a Goofus and Gallant cartoon. WTF happened? When I was a kid these cartoons had realistic drawings and funny escapades.
Now they're in color, look retarded and have stupid lines like. "Goofus slouches. Gallant sits up straight."
Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Goofus is cool.
8:30 a.m.
• Damn National Guard. Always getting in the way of migrant workers wanting to pick lettuce.
• And while I'm talking about south of the border.
Then at the end of the article I read this.
How about respecting that border thingy that separates the U.S. from your shithole of a country?
Well, 2006 is almost at an end and many people go out to celebrate the upcoming new year. I am not one of those people. New Year’s Eve never appealed to me, especially with all the drunken idiots out there. For years the better half and I have just stayed home and watched some movies. Speaking of movies, I saw “Glory Road” the other day. It was there. If you liked “Remember the Titans” (and I did), and if you like college basketball, then you’ll like “Glory Road.” One thing I never understood about these kinds of films – why is it the whites always end up acting like the black people in order to be “cool”? Fuck that shit. Us crackers can get down with the jiggiest of them. Well, OK, maybe not. But our hair isn’t as nappy. Yeah. Where was I? Oh, yeah. New Year’s Eve.
This is the time of year that many people reflect upon their lives and vow to make drastic changes to supposedly improve themselves. Like the December 31 partygoers, I am not one of these people. However, last year I did make resolution to start putting money away. After spending the last few years buying a house and paying for my wedding, it was time to build up that nest egg. Then earlier this year the better half told me that her financial problems were out of control. Since then I have taken control of the household finances, and so far we’re a little less than half-way to paying off her credit card debt, which isn’t too bad, considering she went through an employment change this year and for a little more than three months was making considerably less than she had been. Other than this issue, I don’t see any problems on the horizon for ’07. Hopefully, this debt I talked about can get erased by the end of 2007, but if it takes until early ’08 then I will be more than content.
Getting back to New Year’s Eve. I’m trying to think back to any wacky stories that I was involved in on previous December 31sts, but all that I’m coming up with were a few years when, as a kid, I went all-night bowling with my old man and some other people – a step-brother one year, a few friends the next, some people that I never saw before. Each time the old man got pissed off over something stupid and the night usually ended up with someone screaming or one of our “guests” destroying property (one kid bowled a ball into a plant container – don’t ask). There was another year, when I was of college age, when me and a few friends got stood up by this one chick who was supposed to give us directions to this party she was at, but instead she got drunk and forgot about us (or at least that’s how the story went). Hell, for the big 2000 celebration, I was living at Sappy Valley and watched the festivities in my apartment because Mrs. kkk was at her part-time food-service job. Even if she didn’t have to work that night, it really wouldn’t have mattered because I had to go to my job a few hours afterward for my 3-11 a.m. shift. That morning’s work was interesting because a graphic artist discovered that our organization wasn’t “Y2K” compliant. It wasn’t a big deal – some automated forms were dated 1/1/1900 rather than 1/1/2000, but it was still good for a laugh.
Well, that’s about it for 2006. See you all NEXT YEAR LOL2006(7)~!!!!!
• Well they say Famous deaths always come in threes. First was James Brown. Next was Gerald Ford. Who will be number three? Saddam Hussein?
Then again, that Peter Boyle hippie might have been number one in this trio. Who knows. Regarding the death of Ford, I never paid much attention to his presidency. I remember hearing on Rush’s show once some sub-host (either Tony Snow or Michael Medved) said he had the most vetos of any four-year president. He pardoned Nixon and lost to that doofus Jimmy Carter. He also played football. That’s all I got.
• Interesting. We named our most recent kitty acquisition Max, and there’s a weiner dog named Max that lives across from us. Interesting note: last winter (or was it two winters ago?) I was watching my Max looking out our front-door window and he had that look whenever a cat sees something outside like a bird or a bug. I looked out the window to see what caught his eye, and it was Max romping about outside. Suddenly, this stupid dog ran in front of a moving car, and for a second I thought I was going to witness the premature end to the neighborhoods dachshund. Forturnatly, the car wasn’t speeding and was able to stop before hitting the dog. Had this vehicle killed Max, I wouldn’t have blamed the driver for this one. I let the neighbors know of what had happened and unfortunately for Max he now spends most of his outside time on a leash next to his bigger canine companion. It’s a shame, too, because it was fun to throw snowballs at him as I went to get the mail and he did his pseudo-charge at me that would switch into to a full-fledged retreat the moment I turned around to face the ravenous beast. There were also times I remember Max romping about in my yard, and even up to my front door, much to the chagrin of my three kids.
Oh, yeah. Here’s the story that prompted me to type the above paragraph:
In every family there is at least one sect that gives gifts that make you say “WTF?” And I don’t mean “WTF” in terms of fruitcake or some other equally lame gift. I know I’ve talked about Mrs. kkk’s side of the family on more than one occasion and discussed how some branches of her family tree are … unique. However, there is this couple that I legitimately can’t stand. I know I’ve mentioned them before, but for those who haven’t had the opportunity to learn about this happy family from Day 1, here’s a recap:
Mrs. kkk’s one cousin married some near-toothless Mexican who already has several kids from a previous marriage that he does shit with. Both were part-time janitors when they decided to have kids. There’s one problem: the Mexican is sterile, so they went to the clinic to knock the chick up via turkey baster. Please keep in mind that by now they have already claimed bankruptcy once and collect welfare, among other wonderful gimmies from the government. Because kid number one was such a joy, they decided to have another test-tube baby. Oh, and these welfare pros have purchased their own house and have a new car. All on a part-time janitor’s salary. Oh, and the wife works for the State as a “maid.” She gets paid to “clean up” half of her aunt’s house. What she actually does is sit down and watch TV all day. Why did I say “half of her aunt’s house”? Well because another relative is supposed to clean up the other half.
While I was over my old man’s house the day before Christmas, the better half went to her aunt’s house, where she ran into this happy family of four. What did they give Mrs. kkk for a Christmas gift? A picture of her car from when it was near-totaled a few years back from some bitch in a SUV plowing into her from behind. Oh, and we got the latest installment of this family’s “newsletter.” Every word/space/etc. has been faithfully restored, except for the text in bold. The names have been changed to protect the pathetic. Or am I just saying that and the names are indeed real? Either way, enjoy.
For the last few years I have done my kkkhristmas shopping for the better half early into the season. Now for the first time in several years I avoided Black Friday and stayed away from those unbeatable deals found in the Sunday circulars. I figured this year I’ll do the shopping the Friday before Jesus' b-day when she’s out at her second job. So here’s a rundown of my thrill-packed day.
My workplace had its yearly holiday party, and for the third straight year I avoided it entirely. Fuck those people. Sorry, but I’m not about to break bread with a good number of these assholes, even if is just for show. If I don’t like you motherfucker I don’t like you, and the holiday season isn’t going to change that. If anything these Jew bastards should be happy they don’t have to spring for another meal at whatever cheap-ass restaurant they decided to hold this year’s lunch. Why am I talking about this? Because when everyone was out at this event, and then to an early exit home, I headed out to deliver some material to a mailing service and then thought I could get my kkkhristmas shopping done. Boy was I wrong.
My first stop was Best Buy. Holy Christ was traffic awful. In hindsight I should have known better because this shopping center is horribly laid out. I’ve stopped by this area before when I didn’t feel like going right back to work after dropping off my monthly mailing service parcels, but these times were during the non-holiday season. I should have known better, but whatever. After finally getting into Best Buy, I discovered that the store was ransacked and the shelves were nearly bare. Hell, I didn’t even know what I wanted to get the better half. However, I just spent 30 minutes in gridlock, so I HAD to get something. Let’s see, she has been nagging me about seeing the Underworld sequel. There we go. While I’m out in this area I might as well check out the nearby Target and Circuit City stores. Shit, nothing in either one of these stores. Might as well get the uber-Narnia 40-disc special edition since it’s only $7 more than the regular 15-disc non-uber-edition. Oh well, it got me out of the office for a few hours. I returned back to work for 10 minutes, finished what I had to and headed home.
On my way home from work I was stopped at a red light at a shitty intersection where the stop lights fuck the traffic up even worse than it would normally be. Hmm, there’s a Wal-Mart nearby, but it’s usually filled with black people. No joke: This store supposedly has one of the highest rates of theft in the region, and it was rumored that it would close up shop. Might as well give it a shot. Jesus Chrst, there are almost as many old/fat people in the store with those scooter devices than there are cars in the parking lot. LOL – this kid is yelling “I have to go potty” and the rest of the young’ins in this clan (3-4 more, at least) are now yelling the same thing with the parents about ready to have a meltdown. And I’ll say this about black people and shopping carts – they’re almost as bad driving those things as they are with their cars. And they aren’t insured driving either one. Or am I thinking about Mexicans? I spent about five minutes in this shithole and high-tailed it out of there. So it’s still been more than a year since I have actually purchased anything at Wal-Mart. It’s not that I’m a Wal-Mart hater. I'm an under-class hater, and Wal-Mart has plenty of them. Then again, going into one of these stores can make you feel much better about yourself, or it will sadden you seeing your fellow man in such pathetic condition. I guess it depends on what your mood is at the time. For me, seeing Wal-Mart customers is an uplifting experience, especially the ones with multiple kids who are waddling up and down the aisles complaining about the prices.
The rest of my trip home was uneventful, although the shitty weather, coupled with the holiday traffic, made driving for the entire day an adventure. Fortunately, I got home in one piece. I listened to some phone messages, did a few household odds and ends, and then got ready for my second excursion of kkkhristmas shopping. But now we’ll be in my (red)neck of the woods. My stomping grounds. My people. Whenever I make my rounds with retail shopping in this area, it consists of driving out to the mall/Best Buy because they are the farthest stores away from me. I then hit all the other stores on the way back home. First was the mall. Why do I even bother going to this place? None of these stores do anything for me. I don’t buy clothes or jewelry, so that wipes out at least half of the merchants there right off the bat. Hey, I’ll walk into Spencer’s and look at all the crap that I’ll never buy. What’s funny about Spencer’s is that I always see these teen-agers hanging out, but then there are always one or two old normal-looking patrons who are in the sex-card/humor section of the store. Heh. Well, I’m at the mall, I might as well buy some way over-priced calendars of kittens. Next year is coming up and we need calendars. And they’re kitties. Sure I can get them at half-price elsewhere, but I’m already here and getting a free look at the cashier’s rack. One sixteen-month calendar and a one-a-day calendar. They cost HOW much? Oh what the hell, it’s kkkhristmas.
As I’m typing, my female cat Dessa is taking a shit in the computer room’s litter box. How the hell can cats, after squeezing out a few logs, put their noses just centimeters away from their steaming fecal matter? Gag. Now she’s trying to cover up her load by scratching the nearby wall – USE THE LITTER. THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR! Oh, and this odor is going to linger for a while. Say, what better time to bring this entry to a close on such a riveting cliffhanger? But don't worry, tomorrow we'll have the exciting conclusion to tonight’s kkkhristmas shopping excursion.
• So I bought three $25 Target gift cards for my half-brother’s three kids. Long story short: He lives in Nebraska and is a doctor. He got divorced because his ex-wife is a psycho and I rarely talk to him. Not because I hate him, but he’s a DOCTOR with THREE KIDS. There’s more important things to do in life than call your little half-brother to talk about the Steelers/Pirates/Penguins. In fact, he was a groomsman at my wedding, and he’s one of the few people in my family that graduated an educational institution other than high school. Well, the better half and I bought these gift cards about two weeks ago, but as of yesterday morning they weren’t mailed out. Why is that? Because Mrs. kkk wants to put each one of them in a f’n gift box. Like my brother’s two kids that are 7-8 years old are going to give a shit. But no, we just have to have them in boxes. Well the better half went out this past weekend to the local dollar store to get these stupid boxes. Then she discovered that these boxes, when opened, were filled with mold and this brown shit. Did she take that as an omen that maybe gift boxes might not be necessary in this instance of gift-giving? Of course not. She went to several other stores to find these gift boxes, but nobody had what she was seeking. So yesterday afternoon she began to CRY because this holiday season wasn’t going how she wanted it to be. Seemingly every day when she’s not at her second job she’s doing something with her mom/niece/etc., whether it’s holiday shopping, going to some Christmas school concert, or whatever. And what would happen if Mrs. kkk would actually turn down one of these Christmas concerts or trips to the mall? She would feel guilty. So when she goes to all these events/errands, this means she has no time to do what she really wants to do for the holidays – baking cookies, sending out cards, buying gift boxes for gift cards from Target, etc. The good news is that she finally relented about those stupid gift boxes, and I’m happy to report that I mailed an envelope with the three gift cards enclosed, and they are on their way to Omaha.
But the fun doesn’t stop there. A few days ago I made a reference to re-gifting a Blockbuster card for a co-worker at the better half’s workplace and was given a rude awakening about the policy Blockbuster has regarding gift cards. After going to a nearby Blockbuster to find out how much shelf life our gift card had left, I found out that there was only a few days remaining(!). After informing the better half of this, she went out and bought a much cheaper gift card for her co-worker. The reason she went down on the price is that she’s getting a bad vibe from this person. It’s one of those cases where this person isn’t showing up for work half the time, and in a way I’m actually proud of her because Mrs. kkk is one of those people who just want everyone to like her. Normally the better half would be bending over backwards for every co-worker, cashier clerk and nearby motorist to approve of her existence, but after her last job I think she’s starting to become a bit jaded with seeking approval from anyone not her mother. Yay, I guess. Oddly enough, I could give a rat’s ass what my family thinks of me, let alone strangers, so perhaps there is some truth to that whole “opposites attract” thing.
• The Denver Nuggets just got Allen Iverson from the 76ers.
Bob Ryan on PTI this afternoon echoed my thoughts about this transaction. Denver now has a nice little team with two great scorers, but they still aren’t going anywhere near the NBA finals. I must say that I’ve never had a problem with Iverson. The guy plays hard and never seemed to really have a strong supporting cast. Sure he likes to shoot the ball, but that’s what he’s supposed to do. I’m sure he’d be a bastard to coach and all that, but I don’t care. I remember watching some playoff games where he would get brutalized while driving the lane, yet he would get up and do it again next time down the court. Oh well, he’s financially set for life, so I really don’t give a shit where he plays.
• I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You get an adjustable rate mortgage/subprime loan and you deserve what you get. I’m supposed to feel sorry for these people? Fuck that. Go blame your woes on George W. Bush.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 44: Vyce.
With Canadian Chick in the #45 slot, it’s only natural that this perv creeps up right next to her, even if she may now be a bit too old for his liking. Vyce and I have this special connection, and no it’s not because we spy on all the pre-teen girls in our neighborhoods. (I’m just kidding, we just check out the ones with the hot racks and ghetto booty.) Rather, we are both in professions that we are ideologically opposed to. For me, it’s being a journalism grad. For him, it’s having a law degree. Now while he is a bit more liberal than me on some issues (he sure loves them queers), I don’t think we’ve ever bickered over some current event, so I guess that makes him part of the Conservative Brigade or something, even though he can’t properly pull off my OMG FAUX NEWS shtick. But then again, who can?
And now a word or three from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Lovecraft:
From Cancer Marney:
From SFA Jack:
• While perusing these blogs I’ve noticed a number of “Best of 2006” entries and stuff. This got me the thinking. Being the innovator of ingenious blogging delights, I’ve decided to P. Diddy-ize this idea and add some funk to its trunk. Here’s the deal. I’ll do one of these types of entries, but I want you, my loyal readers, to provide the topics. So in this entry’s comment section, give me what you want “kkk's _____ of 2006” to consist of and I’ll post the results sometime this year whenever I'm too lazy to write a real entry. The “_____ of 2006” can be a “best” or “worst” subject. Also, my answer may not be a subject or event that actually happened this year. For example, if Lovecraft would ask “kkk’s best horror movie of 2006” I would respond “Pumpkinhead.” But kkk, “Pumpkinhead” took place in the ‘80s. I know. But I watched it this year and laughed my ass off at how awful it was. Besides, it was the first horror movie I watched this year that popped in my head, so too bad. So let’s see how well (or awful) this turns out, if at all.
• I heard about this fight between some players from the Denver Nuggets and New York Knicks.I watched some of it on television, and let me say this sure ain’t no Pacers/Pistons. Nobody was even lounging on the scorer's table! Amateurs. Because I generally tune out of the NBA regular season, I thought this would be a good time to see the standings and find out who’s doing what.
You got to be kidding. Boston is in first place in the Atlantic Division with a 10-13 record? The Knicks aren’t in last place (yet)? Without Ben Wallace Detroit is still in first. Orlando’s in first place in the Southeast Division and Atlanta isn’t in last place? Utah is 18-6 and first in the Northwest Division (eh, I guess someone has to win it)? Ah, that’s why everyone sucking the Suns’ collective wang – they’ve won 14 in a row. The Lakers don’t seem to be doing all that bad, either. San Antonio, Dallas and Houston all seem to be doing OK. Damn, Memphis: 5 wins, 19 losses.
There. Now you’re all caught up on the latest NBA news. I'd do the NHL but I'm even more clueless about that league, what with those wacky regular losses, overtime losses and shootout losses.
• So I’ve just put in nearly a 12-hour workday here at the office, and what has been on this entire time in the middle of December? Why, the AIR CONDITIONING! Now you may be thinking right now that I’m going to go off on a bitch-fest about how cold it is in building and stuff. Far from it. In fact, I love me a cold work environment. My reasons? Here they are in no particular order.
1) Cold rooms let you know you’re still alive. When I'm in a hotbox for eight hours doing white-collar work, I usually doze off about five to six hours into my day. And if you eat anything remotely filling for lunch, you’ll be snoozing in two hour’s tops.
2) When it’s cold outside, you feel the bite of a breeze whenever someone opens a nearby door, should you be near a building’s entrance or exit. When it’s hot outside, you smell people’s body odor, or, worse yet, feet. Good God does that make me want to throw up my lunch. I guess on the bright side if I throw up my lunch I won’t fall asleep from it later in the day.
3) When it’s hot outside, I’ve noticed that if you’re working in front of a computer you tend to get fatigued more, thus becoming more susceptible to headaches and other fun stuff. With the cold, you have a better chance of not feeling comatosed as your day goes by.
4) You actually have an excuse to use sick days. Snowing outside? Hear about a commuter’s nightmare on the morning news? Fuck that shit. I’m staying home. If you want me to come to work so bad, then pick me up, bitch.
5) When I’m doing the behind-the-desk thing, I like to get up and walk down the hall and back every now and then. When it’s hot I sometimes forget to do this until it’s too late and the eye fatigue kicks in. When it’s cold, getting up to circulate the ol’ blood flow is more likely to occur.
So there you have it. Five good reasons why it’s better to be chilly than sweltering at your workplace. Now granted I prefer sunny weather to snowy conditions, but that’s when I’m not earning my paycheck. Otherwise, crank up the AC.
• So Evan Bayh isn’t going to run for president. I’ll survive. Oddly enough, he is one of those Democrats I don’t mind, much like South Dakota’s one Senator Tim Johnson. However, the Indiana Senator has been moving up on my shit list over the last few years, so maybe after another couple of bad votes I might start saying, “kiss my ass” to him as well. Still, he’s no Hitlery.
• Time has just named “You” its Person of the Year. Nobody better say shit about my Top 103 Posters coutdown now.
Wow. I remember when they changed their title from “Man of the Year” to “Person of the Year.” OMG political correctness. Then, in 2001, instead of choosing “Osama bin Laden,” who, like it or not, made an impact on quite a few lives that year, Time pussied out and went with “Rudy Giulani. Then a couple years ago they had some stupid “Whistleblowers” on; I think they were all chicks, too. With all that being said, I have to say this has to be by far the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard (although those three non-person awardees that the above article cited in its third-to-last paragraph are right up there, too). Well, at least until the next time I read something stupid from the mainstreamliberalpress.
San Francisco at Seattle (9.5)
Normally I’d be going with Seattle, but they really haven’t been blowing out these NFC West teams like they have in the past. Go 49ers.
(3.5) Dallas at Atlanta
The Cowboys got blown out at home on NATIONAL TELEVISION and the Falcons won against the Buccaneers. I’ll stick with the Cowboys.
Cleveland at Baltimore (11.5)
I’m not sure what to do with this one. Sure the Ravens are way better than the Browns, but this is a divisional game. And AFC North rivalry games can be zany. However, the Bengals blew out the Browns a few weeks back, and the Steelers made up for their near-defeat at Cleveland by trouncing them weeks later. Yay Ravens.
Detroit at Green Bay (5.5)
It’ll probably be cold out. Detroit sucks.
Houston at New England (11.5)
Uh oh. The Pats are favored by nearly a dozen points against a crappy team. Now will they continue to struggle or will take their aggressions out against the Texans. I got burned with New England against Detroit. I’ll now side with the Texans in a blow-out game so I can bitch next week that I should have stuck with the Pats.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Tennessee
Uh oh. Another game I don’t have an initial feeling on. I’m in an upset mood: I’ll take the Titans.
Miami at Buffalo (1.5)
Miami shut out New England. I smell let-down game. But Buffalo is favored by only 1.5 at home? I’ll take the Dolphins in a last-second change of picks.
N.Y. Jets at Minnesota (3.5)
I’ve been hoping that the Vikings would be a break-out team this year, but it looks like they are just run-of-the-mill. I don’t know if I should take them because I’m guessing the Jets will flop these last few weeks. Drat. I’ll go with the Jets anyway.
Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants (5.5)
I’m so going with Philly in this one. I don't know why.
(3.5) Pittsburgh at Carolina
How the hell are the Steelers favored? I was going to pick them thinking that the Panthers would be the favored team. Now I don’t know what to do. I go with the Panthers.
Tampa Bay at Chicago (13.5)
I’ll hope the Bucs can score a late-game touchdown to bring the contest to within 13 points.
Washington at New Orleans (9.5)
Washington won a game or two lately, so I’ll hope they can score a late game touchdown to bring the contest to within 9 points.
(2.5) Denver at Arizona
Denver has been off as of late, but are they really that off to only be favored by less than three points? I’ll stick with them anyway.
Kansas City at San Diego (8.5)
Here’s hoping Kansas City can keep it close.
St. Louis at Oakland (2.5)
Oakland is favored? Give me the Rams.
Cincinnati at Indianapolis (3.5)
Hmm. Indy is slumping and Cincy is getting hot. Will this game spell impending doom for the Colts? I’m going to guess Indianapolis wakes up to the call and wins by more than a field goal. This is still the regular season, after all.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 45: Canadian Chick
There is quite a bit of testosterone when it comes to message boards that deal with pro wrestling, so whenever a female poster steps forward it’s like a needle pricking your thumb while goofing around in a stack of hay. Now while some females, when presented with this situation, may enjoy the attention, I’m sure there are others who dread the stalkish-like behavior they have to deal with. Having seen Canadian Chick do
I’m quite certain that not only can she blend in as being one of the guys (at least on the days where she’s not ragging it) but she could also probably pummel many of us with snap suplexes, half-nelsons or whatever those things are. Damaramu being first in line, of course.
And now a word or four from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
From Carnival:
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• While talking via AIM to one of my Internet chums, we got into a conversation about “what is love.” (Wow, that sounded gay.) To make a long story short, I was explaining to him then when tell someone that you love them, at that point you should expect to spend the rest of your life with that person. After all, if you “love” someone, then nothing should deter you from your one true soul mate. Perhaps I’m a little extreme when it comes to this subject, but I have always sparingly used the “l” word. Now of course I’ve said “I love that movie” or “I love that song,” but that’s not the same thing, in my opinion, when sitting next to someone you’ve been dating for a year or so and saying, “I love you.” In this context, I have said the “l” word twice in my life, although I only meant it once. The first time was with the first relationship I had that lasted longer than a trip to the amusement park or an all-night kegger. For months, the ex-better half kept saying how she “loved” me (God knows why), and I would say that I couldn’t reply back because I didn’t know if I felt the same. Sure I cared for her and all that shit, but I always prided myself in not faking my emotions. After a while, like a beaten POW, I relented after some stupid fight (I can’t remember what it was about), but we both knew I was just saying it to shut her up. Shortly after we broke up (she did the dumping, I was the dumpee, but it was only a matter of time before one of us pulled the plug on this go-nowhere relationship). A few years later when I met Mrs. kkk, I uttered the “l” word again, and so far it’s been nine-plus years, so I think I’m holding up my end of this bargain.
• David Duke calls the Holocaust a lie; would you expect anything different? I figure enough people are going to bitch about this, so why should I pile on when there’s plenty of other people to rag on, like that useless piece of shit Kofi Annan. Acutally, the holocaust denier I’m more concerned about is Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. One of these two Jew-haters will probably soon be able to launch a nuclear attack. The other one is a redneck. A follower to one of these two, in an effort to retaliate at you and your Jew passenger, will spit on your car’s windshield and wave a Confederate flag. A follower to the other nutjob will retaliate by blowing himself up. Oh, and by the way, how do we really know all those bodies were the result of concentration camps? Maybe some German hotel had a really good deal and too many Jews arrived, leaving many without coats out in the cold. Damn revisionist textbooks.
• The better half and I got into a disagreement over recently regifting a particular Christmas item, and no it wasn’t a fruitcake. A few years ago we got this $25 Blockbuster card; I can’t remember how or when we got this thing, but it has been posted on our kitchen corkboard for at least 18 months. We don’t go to Blockbuster, and the few times I thought of buying something from this store I could find the same products in better condition and at a cheaper price elsewhere. I don’t know what it is about renting movies; I just don’t like to do so. I’d rather just buy the thing at a cheap price and not feel rushed to return the movie by a certain time or end up paying late fees. Well Mrs. kkk was making some “movie gift pack” for a co-worker, and instead of going out and getting a gift card I suggested we just give this person our current Blockbuster card. It’s not like we spent any money from this piece of plastic, and it’s still in mint condition. What’s the big deal? Well after her bitching about this for a few minutes she finally relented and now we’re regifting. Oh well.
• About a week ago I noticed that Comcast’s On Demand service had available “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” Now this film premiered back when I worked at the theater almost 10 years ago, and it was one of those movies I’d walk in and watch for 15-20 minutes at a time, but I would never actually sit through an entire screening. I figured what the hell and watched it. Eh. I could have wasted 90 minutes doing something worse. Anyway, after seeing this film, and remembering its sequel, “I still know what you did last summer,” I wondered why more sequels of this franchise weren’t made. As I was in Target today looking around while the better half was shopping for that PERFECT Christmas card *gag* I came across this. Good God.
• Would the fact this event took place in San Francisco surprise anybody? I can't wait until the city government starts giving the homeless milk money, which of course will be spent on crack and booze.
• So much for safe sex.
Well the better half gave me one of my Christmas presents last night, and it sure was a surprise. We went to Heinz Hall last night for that evening's performance. For those that don’t know, Heinz Hall is a hoity toity place where NPR listeners and PBS viewers go to partake in all that artsy fartsy crap. So what was on the itinerary for that evening? The symphony? A choir performance? Ballet? Uh-uh.
Carlos f'n Mencia.
Even if you aren’t a fan of Mencia, to sit in a place like Heinz Hall and look around at a crowd that would normally be cleaning the establishment after hours than actually being paying customers was worth the price of admission alone, especially seeing all the senior citizen ushers who had to endure the three hours of foul language, raunchy humor and racial epithets being tossed about like candy. While some may not like Mencia’s humor or Comedy Central “Mind of Mencia” program, I enjoy much of his work, mainly because I’ve thought/voiced similar opinions many times in the past. I remember back in the mid-1990s I was watching a HBO stand-up act with some Mexican comedian, and to this day it was one of my favorite comedy specials of all-time. I never knew the guy’s name, and when I first saw “Mind of Mencia” a while back I began to wonder if this was the guy I saw a decade ago. Sure enough, a couple of months ago I saw this HBO special on Comedy Central and it was indeed Mencia.
I’m not one to go to concerts or events like these because, frankly, I’m a cheap bastard. What’s the point of paying money to see a band play one time when I can buy a CD and listen to the same song numerous times? Now granted there are people who like the concert experience, and if that’s your thing, then good for you. Me, I would rather listen to a song in the comfort of my home while typing on the computer. (I’ve got ACDC’s “If You Want Blood” concert CD playing as I’m currently typing.)
After dinner we were waiting for Heinz Hall’s auditorium doors to open, and let me tell you it was an … interesting … crowd we were standing alongside. It was weird being one of the older people at this place; most ticket holders looked to be college students, although there were a few old-timers scattered throughout. My favorite person was some guy with a hoodie whose back featured a picture of W. and read “Not my President.” Wonderful. Another type of patron that caught my eye were families attending this event with pre-teens. The hell? Oh well, it’s not my problem. However, I have to wonder if these parents knew what they were getting themselves into. Three hours worth of racial and sex humor is deemed quality family time? I can’t believe every family unit was aware of what was going to be presented on stage. In fact, there were a few people in my section who got up and left during the show – I guess the 59th time the word “nigger” or 97th time “fuck” was uttered was too much for them. Prudes.
Although I still know there are several Christmas gifts coming my way (the most recent South Park DVD, for example), this concert was a surprise. Hell, I didn’t even know this comedy tour was coming to Shittsburgh; it’s not like this area has been overrun by Mexicans … yet.
And down the final stretch I come:
Cleveland at Pittsburgh (7.5)
The Browns are riding high after an upset win against the Chiefs last week. Now they come to Shittsburgh to take on a divisional foe who they should have beaten a few weeks ago. Will they emerge victorious this week? I don't know, but I'll take them with that point spread the way it is.
(3.5) Atlanta at Tampa Bay
I'm helping out the Falcons in their attempt to reach the postseason. I know if I would have picked them, the Bucs would have defeated them, thus prompting me to say the following week, "Atlanta's late-season collapse is still alive and well, and I fell into the trap of thinking they'd win two in a row." This is why I'm picking Tampa Bay, so that way I don't have to say the above sentence in next week's entry.
Baltimore at Kansas City (2.5)
Kansas City is a tough place to play at, but the Ravens defense is a tough unit to run against. I guess I could look up the stats and see if this is actually true, but that would requre effort.
Buffalo at N.Y. Jets (4.5)
I never thought this game could have playoff implications this late in the season, but it does. Good for everyone involved. I'm taking the Bills due to the spread.
(1.5) Indianapolis at Jacksonville
The Jags have been off-and-on this year while the Colts have been a bit more consistent. With me taking Indy, perhaps this is the game in which Jacksonville gets over the hump.
Minnesota at Detroit (2.5)
The Vikings have been struggling as of late, although I wouldn't consider their woes to be that dire where the Lions are the favored team in this matchup.
(3.5) New England at Miami
Hmm, the Pats were nearly upset last week at home against Detroit. The Dolphins were defeated by the Jags at home. I'll go with New England to rebound against a divisional opponent.
New Orleans at Dallas (6.5)
I'm sure Dallas will win, but that spread. Well, the Cowboys have that defense. Plus they're at home. OK then.
N.Y. Giants at Carolina (3.5)
Each team has been inconsistent as of late, so it's a case of pick your poison. I'll take Carolina.
Oakland at Cincinnati (10.5)
I don't like that point spread, but Cincinnati is a lot different than Oakland weather-wise this time of the year.
(1.5) Philadelphia at Washington
I'll take my chances with Jeff Garcia, who I forgot was with the Eagles this year. I feel bad for the guy. Back in his San Francisco days, Terrell Owens made some homophobic remarks toward him and the national sports media didn't show a fraction of the outrage it had over T.O. and his feud with Donovan McNabb.
Tennessee at Houston (1.5)
Riding high off an upset win against the Colts, I'm sure the Titans will crash and burn here, but I'm a sucker for teams that score big wins the week before.
Green Bay at San Francisco (5.5)
I think the 49ers have a great shot at winning ... oh who am I kidding, I have no clue. I'm taking the Packers because of that point spread.
(3.5) Seattle at Arizona
I remember when Joe Bugel used to coach the Cardinals, Arizona would start out bad but come on strong late in the season and the "should Joe get fired?" talk would commence. This usually resulted in, "let's give him one more year because his players like him and they're playing hard to keep his job." Well Dennis Green ain't Joe Bugel. Not sure if that's an insult or compliment.
Denver at San Diego (7.5)
San Diego will probably win, but with that point spread I'll take divisional foe Denver.
(6.5) Chicago at St. Louis
I'll go with the Rams at home to make this competitive. I'm still getting flashbacks to the Bears/Cardinals Monday Night game earlier this year.
• Imagine you're a happily married woman who wanted to watch the sun set while sitting on your back porch. Now imagine opening your back door to this.
OK, now I don't know what would creep me out more: The fact your husband has chosen to have sex with the family dog, or the fact he chose to do this OUTSIDE ON YOUR BACK PORCH (allegedly, of course). Photos were taken by your wife of you having sex with the family dog. How, if you're the guy in this situation, can you possibly have a defense for this? You were drunk? The bitch was asking for it? I'm actually interested to see what the defense has to say with this one.
• Wow. Another story about how the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer, and this time it's on a global scale.
Still don’t care. Although I liked this part.
Assuming property and other things of worth are covered under "assets," my household is well in the top 10 percentile of the world’s richest adults. That means I’m oppressing the other 90 percent of this world. Awesome. Now if I can only get a Mexican to mow my lawn.
• Eh, I still prefer Affirmative Action bake sales.
• Boy did Neal Boortz had a field day with this story on his show today. That's all I can say about this one.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 46: Marvin is a Lunatic
Marvin is famous around these here parts for two things. 1) His love of high definition television. 2) Troubles with his love life. Rather than go into more detail about both, I’ll just point you over to a thread that has become synonymous with Marvin. If you haven’t made your way to this thread yet, do so. As for me, I’ve always had a soft spot for him. And while I’m on the subject of virgins looking to get laid, heed these words my poontang seekers: Don’t expect much going in because when a male virgin finally achieves penetration because it’ll only last 5-10 seconds. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience. Then again, I wasn’t wearing a rubber at the time. I might have lasted 20 seconds had my scimitar been properly sheathed. I wouldn’t have lasted twice as long because the latex would have dulled the sensation, but rather I wouldn’t have wanted to waste money on using a prophylactic for that short of time.
And now a word or five from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Black Lushus:
From EricMM:
From Carnival:
From SFAJack:
From Kingofthe909:
• Who needs “Survivor” or “Hogan Knows Best,” when you have the kind of reality programming that I married into? For those of you that are somewhat familiar with my in-law family tree, bear with me for three sentences while I bring others up-to-date. My 40-something-year-old sister-in-law is a crack whore. Well, meth/heroin addict would be a more accurate description, but I feel “crack whore” can be used as a universal term for “loser drug addict.” The crack whore’s oldest daughter lives with my mother-in-law and has “supposedly” been going to college for the last year-and-a-half. Well, this 19-year-old is now headed off to a drug rehab center for three months. Why is she doing this? Well because a few weeks ago the mother in-law busted the niece-in-law in a web of lies that’s not worth going into. The mother-in-law then said she was taking her name off the title to my nice-in-law’s car, thus making the niece-in-law fully responsible for her car’s insurance payments; payments that are also going to be at a much higher rate than before. After the niece-in-law stormed out to live with the crack whore for a week or two, she announced to the mother-in-law that she was addicted to “pain killers” (heroin is the more likely drug of choice), and has tried to “detox herself” several times over the past three years. *CoughbullshitCough*. I’m still expressing doubt she’s actually going to go to rehab, and if she does I doubt she’ll complete the full three months. Why do I seem express such joy in other people’s pain? Because it makes for great reality television – and you don’t even need the TV set! And since she will not supposedly be home for the holidays that also means one extra gift that doesn’t have to be purchased. Wait a second: that’s TWO gifts because I’m sure her on-again-off-again boyfriend won’t be paying a visit either. The sad thing is that I wish I could trade him for her in regards to being related to a person; he’s actually normal, except for his taste in women. Then again, the niece-in-law was his first sex partner, so I understand why he accepts the constant break-ups and other bullshit that applies to “young love.”
Why do I “hate” the niece-in-law? I really don’t hate her, but I do ignore her for the most part (perhaps another story for another time). I think the best part of this story will be when she’s 30-years old and working in some go-nowhere shithole, realizing everyday as she gets up for her dead-end job that she had a near-free-ride toward a college degree and pissed it all away. She had enough grants/inheritance/etc. given to her to pay for at least half of her four-year undergraduate education, and that didn’t include the various work-study programs she had been accepted for, too. Of course, she actually needed to attend these university jobs in order to get paid, but now I’m nitpicking.
Will she complete rehab? Will she go back to college? Will she graduate? Will she get knocked up? Will she get back with one of her fuck-buddies who recent went to jail for robbery and act as the get-away driver in his next caper? I have to tune in and find out. Well, maybe not “tune in;” just listen to what Mrs. kkk tells me after wrapping up the latest chat with her mother. Even though you never really know what to expect from the script that life provides you, I have a feeling this story will end up with the niece-in-law being a crack whore. Just like her mother. This of course means I’ve been watching a repeat all along. Well, maybe not a “repeat.” I think “spin-off” would be a more appropriate label.
• Here we go again. Another red diaper doper baby telling the rest of the country how their lives should be run … um, actually, I’ve always wondered how blind people figure out what bill denominations they are giving out during a purchase.
• I guess Playstation3s are in such high demand that even cops are killing people to get their hands on these things.
I’m a bit of an odd bird when it comes to my video game history. Hey, what better way to transition into something that could be worth a day’s entry, and maybe more? As a kid, video games were my passion. Well, maybe not my “passion,” but I sure played them enough. Even now I spend way too much time in front of a television or computer monitor killing some demon or scoring a go-ahead touchdown. Well it beats being out on the street causing trouble or spending quality time with the wife. Let’s take a stroll down my video game history, shall we?
The Atari 2600 was my first video game console, and of course I played the hell out of the poor thing. Later on when my first system went to video game heaven, it was replaced by an Atari 7800. However, I don’t recall a single 7800 game purchased other than Xevious. After my 2600 playing days were over, I moved on to the … hey, wait a minute. I still have my 2600/7800 games. What better time than now to look in my Rubbermaid container that’s in the walk-in closet in the room from where I am currently typing and take a trip down memory lane? There we go. Now it’s time to see my Atari 2600/7800 game collection and note that all the money spent on these games could have went to purchase Microsoft stock. I have these games ranked by the company that made them, or something of that nature. You'll figure it out.
Activision Games: Commando (I have two of this title. I must have broken or stolen one of them), Decathlon, Dolphin (more on this one below), Keystone Kapers (I always laughed when I made the cop duck because it looked like he was going to the bathroom; when I got a “best of Activision game” a year or two ago one of the first things I did was play this title and, sure enough, made the cop duck just so it looked like he was pinching a load), River Raid (loved this one, even though I was, and still am, terrible at it).
I have no idea what posse the following games were from. They were funky cartridges that were long, thin and black with a slanted top saying the game’s title. None of these have any artwork. Astroblast, Football, Kool-Aid Man (!), Soccer. Here’s a little more background on the above-mentioned football game. One Christmas my cousin had his uncle figure out how to control his team’s players, and I proceeded to get slaughtered something like 100-0. I got my revenge next year when I learned how to run and pass, but I think that was also the same Christmas when I got the air hockey table and my football glory was short-lived. While playing air hockey, my cousin was cheating (or something) and I was calling him on it. I think our house rules was that a player wasn’t allowed to go beyond the table’s middle stripe, and he was constantly violating this rule. I then proceeded to get yelled at by my mom and aunt for my enforcement of these ever-so-strict guidelines because I was beating him anyway (what I lacked in other facets of my life I more than make up for in air hockey, believe you me). My cousin said something smart-ass to me and I replied, “OK, DICK FACE!” and wailed my air-hockey paddle at him, much to the horror of all the adults that were in the room (except my dad; I think he found the whole thing funny as hell). Memories.
Imagic Games (the ones with a sorta slanted top and this fancy silver label): Cosmic Ark, Demon Attack.
EPYX Games (mostly white labels; I can’t describe these games any further than to point out I didn’t play these titles a lot): California Games, Sea Hunt, Summer Games, Winter Games.
US Games (white background label with a blue background with a white lettering to the cartridge’s top). Eggomania (I can’t begin to describe this one), Gopher, Name This Game (It was a contest and was sorta like a Sea Hunt-type game, only better; you had to fight off a shark that got faster with each passing level and this big, black octopus.)
Other: Amidar (I have no idea what this is but an ape, pig, painter and Indian with a bone in his nose are on the cover; I think I may have been a Pac-Man-like game where you had to fill a screen with something before the bad guys get you), Blueprint (no idea) and this cartridge with the label ripped off. I think it is “Frogger” because I know I had this game and can’t find it elsewhere. Now that I think about it, I know it’s “Frogger” because that game used to piss me off to the point where I got so mad I would take the game out of the console and BITE IT!!! Eventually the saliva dissolved/tore off the game’s label. What in God’s name is wrong with me?
Now time for the basic Atari cartridges: Adventure (you’re a square and have to fear the green/yellow/red dragons, unless you have the sword that looks like "-->"), Asteroids, Battlezone, Centipede (once I found out you were an elf with a hippie wand, my opinion of this game declined; I thought for quite a while you were in some cool spaceship blasting away), Berzerk, Combat, Defender, Donkey Kong, Golf, Joust (one of my favorites), Jungle Hunt, Kangaroo, Mousetrap, Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-Man, Real Sports Baseball, Space Invaders, Superman, Vanguard (I don’t remember much about this game other than it was one of my favorites), Video Pinball, Yars Revenge (loved that cover).
Hey, aside from Xevious I also had Choplifter for the 7800, along with Pole Position (or was it Pole Position II?)
Here’s another memory of the 2600: There were some games where if you got to a certain score you could win a prize if you took a picture of the game with a camera and mail it in. One of these titles was Activision’s Dolphin. As a kid I could never achieve this score (I think it was 100,000). Believe me, this was frustrating, especially since I really wanted that hippie Dolphin patch. Years and years later while a college student I dusted off my 7800 to play some old games. One of these games I put in the 7800 was Dolphin and began playing. And playing. And playing. It wasn’t until I was about 90 percent of the way through the game when I noticed how close I was to accomplishing what I gave up so long ago doing. Then the pressure hit. Although I lost a few dolphins to that bastard squid, I eventually beat the game. The best way I could describe the feeling is to compare it to that day when you are finally able to beat your old man in a one-on-one basketball game. So you’re now better than your father at something you spent years trying to best him at. Big deal. You don’t feel any different and your dad knows his glory days are behind him anyway, so it’s not like he cares much either.
One final note. Just to embarrass myself even more than I already do, I would like to say that I took pride in owning every game that was on the Pac-Man Fever album: Pac-Man, Frogger, Centipede, Donkey Kong, Asteroids, Defender, Mousetrap and Berzerk. And yes, I do remember them in order. However, I didn’t remember the actual titles to all the games, just the games they represented. Now if you will excuse me, I got a pocket full of quarters and I’m headed to the arcade.
I don’t even remember who won half of these games. This should be interesting.
(2.5) Miami at Detroit. Correct
I remember Detroit playing a good Thanksgiving Day game in previous years, even if they were having a shitty season. They even played well right out of the gate. However, Miami’s in the midst of “wait until next year” mode, when every player will be one year older, slower and more susceptible to injury.
Tampa Bay at Dallas (11.5). Incorrect.
Nuts, I thought I had a sleeper pick when this game first started. I then stopped watching and saw the final score later on. Ew.
Denver at Kansas City (1.5). Correct.
Because I don’t have the NFL Network, I have nothing to say about this one.
Arizona at Minnesota (6.5). Incorrect.
Damnit. Aside from those two freak plays that gave Arizona 14 points (a goal-line fumble return and punt/kick return if memory serves), this would have been a solid win.
(4.5) Carolina at Washington. Incorrect.
I can’t read either one of these teams worth shit.
Chicago at New England (3.5). Correct.
I pulled this win out by the skin of my teeth. I haven’t seen enough of Rex Grossman to pass judgment on whether or not to bench him, but he seemed good enough when the Bears were the talk of the league. I’d let him play through this slump.
(3.5) Cincinnati at Cleveland. Correct.
When Cleveland plays tough they certainly play tough. When the don’t they sure don’t.
Houston at N.Y. Jets (5.5). Correct.
I wonder how the local New York media is treating the Jets head coach now that he’s helped put his team in playoff contention? I heard in training camp/pre-season this guy was not the most media friendly coach in the league, which could spell trouble for a New York-based team if they are performing poorly.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Buffalo. Incorrect.
The Jags are yet another week-to-week team I can’t put my finger on. I guess those losses to Houston weren’t divisional rivalry flukes and part of a bigger problem..
New Orleans at Atlanta (3.5). Correct.
I predicted one of these teams to begin a late-season collapse. I have been looking at the wrong team all along. Then again, I haven’t expected much from the Falcons as of late anyway. And regarding Vick giving the “dirty bird” to booing fans – big deal. I have to wonder though if fans at this game will get Gloria Aldred to sue Vick for offending them?
(3.5) N.Y. Giants at Tennessee. Incorrect.
Ah man. I was on the wrong end of this fourth-quarter collapse. It was still funny anyway.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis (9.5). Correct.
Colts rookie running back Joseph Addai: 24 rushes, 174 yards, 4 touchdowns. I wonder how Edgerrin James likes playing in Arizona? Oh what the heck, I’ll look at his rushing stats for this year: 226 attempts, 695 yards, 3 touchdowns. Oh well, at least he’s paid. Hope he likes putting his body on the line for a bigger paycheck rather than playing for a championship.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (2.5). Correct.
This game pretty much shut everyone up in this area about playoff possibilities.
San Francisco at St. Louis (5.5). Correct.
The 49ers gave up the win, but they didn’t give it up by more than 5.5 points. Good enough for me.
Oakland at San Diego (13.5). Incorrect.
Nuts. The Chargers couldn’t blow the Raiders out twice in a season.
Green Bay at Seattle (10.5). Incorrect.
Damnit. Missed by half-a-point. Oh well.
This week’s record: 9-7.
Cumulative record: 87-89.
Hey, I’m only two games under .500 – Time to get creamed with my Week 13 picks. I just heard on the television that Cleveland has just gone up 7-0. Gulp.
Like I said in yesterday’s entry, I was getting ready for my first “real job” interview… aw sonofabitch. The NFL has some hippie Thursday night game. I guess tonight’s entry is time for this week’s pickkks.
Baltimore at Cincinnati (3.5)
I think Cincinnati will be up more for this game. In addition, the Bengals need this win more than the Ravens. However, I’ll take my chances with the underdog Ravens in this one.
Arizona at St. Louis (6.5)
Both teams have been stinking up the place as of late. The only reason I’m taking the Cardinals is that six-and-a-half point spread.
Atlanta at Washington (1.5)
Hmm. The Falcons are on the decline and the Redskins are … well, I have no idea. I might as well go with the devil I know and guess that the Redskins won’t be as bad as the Falcons this week.
(4.5) Dallas at N.Y. Giants
There’s turmoil in the Big Apple and now the national sports media is talking about T.O. and the fact they haven’t had anything to talk about regarding him. Shit. I don’t know how to go at this one. Dallas has to lose sometime, but the Giants are in some trouble themselves. I’ll go with Dallas.
Detroit at New England (13.5)
New England favored by two touchdowns? Against Detroit? At home? This is a steal.
(7.5) Indianapolis at Tennessee
The Titans have been playing tough, but the Colts usually blowout their weaker division foes.
Jacksonville at Miami (2.5)
I’m picking the Dolphins just so they’ll lose and this talk about “wait until next year” will be aborted while still in an early trimester.
(5.5) Kansas City at Cleveland
The Chiefs will continue their playoff push, and unlike last year they just might finish the job this time.
Minnesota at Chicago (9.5)
Divisional opponent. Chicago will probably win, but I’m hoping Minnesota will keep it close.
(1.5) N.Y. Jets at Green Bay
Both teams have played better than expected. Even though they are on the road, I’ll go with the team that’s improved more this year.
(5.5) San Diego at Buffalo
At first I was going to go with the Bills, but then I thought otherwise because I then got the hunch that this was going to be a letdown game for them. Besides, five-and-a-half points on the road doesn’t seem too bad for San Diego.
San Francisco at New Orleans (7.5)
The 49ers have been playing good for the past month, but I’ll take the Saints, even with the spread.
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh (7.5)
With some key injuries on the Steelers’ side of the ball, I’ll take the Buccaneers to either win or keep the game close. Besides, Tampa’s starting quarterback is from the Shittsburgh area; hey, if Roethlisberger gets hurt and Charlie Batch comes in that means two hometown products will be playing quarterback for each team in this one. Good for them.
Houston at Oakland (3.5)
Oakland’s been losing by close margins and now they’re favored. I’ll go with Houston.
Seattle at Denver (3.5)
Tough one here for me. It’s in Denver, but the Broncos are struggling a bit. I’ll take Seattle in this one.
(3.5) Carolina at Philadelphia
If McNabb was playing in this one I’d go with Philadelphia. However, he’s not. I’m not thrilled with the Panthers, but whenever Donovan went down last year so did his team.
Well today I had a job interview, and it went as I pretty much expected it to go. Do I anticipate a call from this place in the near future? No, but to tell the truth I never even expected to get called in at all. It’s funny, but for all the places in my life where I hoped for a call back, this was one where I shipped off my resume with the thought, “eh, whatever.” For anyone that has worked at a place where nametags and fryer experience were not necessities, the job interview can be a pretty intimidating place. Then again, a job interview doesn’t seem quite as intimidating when you’re already gainfully employed and have a steady source of legal income coming in.
I went to today’s interview for two reasons. 1) to use up a half-day’s worth of comp time I built up over this current pay period at my current job. 2) to polish my interviewing technique just in case I get called in by a place with a job that I really desire. I don’t want it to seem like I’m dissing the place I interviewed at today; that’s not the case. In fact, I must say that the human resources chick I dealt with at this place has by far been the best at her position at any organization I have ever interviewed at. Not only has she responded to every inquiry and request I had over the past week or two, but also she seemed to genuinely enjoy doing her job. Now I’ll be curious to see how she handles rejected employment candidates. But then again, I’m sure the people I interviewed with in the department that had the vacant employment position will have more to do with the sure-to-be unprofessional way this place handles rejected job candidates.
Like I said above, I treated today’s interview as a steppingstone for later encounters; think of this like a major-league player rehabilitating in the minors. My favorite part of these interviews is when you know you’re not going to be considered and they ask if you have “any questions.” I figure since I’ll never see these people again I might as well have some fun, and today’s encounter was no exception. I especially liked this paraphrased question I threw out, “With my resume in front of you, and with all that you have heard from me so far today, what do you think will be this position’s biggest challenge for me?” Talk about a deer in headlights. These people then talked for about five minutes and didn’t really say anything – kinda like my entries at this place.
I may go into more detail about this interview later, but what I really wanted to talk about was my first “real job” interview. I had recently moved to the State College, Pa., area in 1999 and was full of hope and optimism that I could find a good career- starting job. Boy was I naïve. Anyway, I forget when I first applied to a nearby newspaper called the Altoona Mirror, but it was sometime in the spring. The local minor-league baseball team, the Curve, was looking for a beat writer, and I sent in my resume, samples and all that other stuff. Time went by and nothing happened, but some time later I received a call from a gentleman named Joe Frollo. He was from the Mirror and asked if I would be interested about a copyeditor’s position that his publication was looking to fill. Seeing how I was still without a full-time job I immediately jumped at the opportunity to put my edumacation to good use. (I was working a seasonal third-shift job at a yearbook publishing company, and while I liked this position it wasn’t going to be around forever.)
So what happened at my first “real job” interview? Did I wow my soon-to-be bosses with accurate speling and good grammer? Tune in tomorrow to read the exciting conclusion!
• Uh-oh. Jesus at a Christmas festival. Egads. Actually, I think a better argument would be complaining about the commercialism of Christ’s birthday, but whatever. This reminds me of an episode of M*A*S*H* when Hawkeye and McEntire were trying to get some medical device and eventually ended up at a general’s press conference. After the general said some powder-puff remarks, our commie surgeons started asking what M*A*S*H* units weren’t properly equipped with devices that could help save soldiers. The reporters then began following up on this inquiry. Flustered, the general says, “This is a press conference. The last thing I want to do is answer a bunch of questions.” Not sure if this is relevant here, but it just popped into my mind.
• Former vice presidential candidate John Edwards doesn’t like Wal-Mart, even though his staffers don’t mind trying to get Playstation3s from the retail giant.
But that’s not what I want to talk about. This is funnier:
Maybe the reason limousine liberals don’t like Wal-Mart is because it doesn’t offer valet parking.
• So I was goofing around with Comcast's On Demand again and came across this gem of a movie called “Pumpkinhead.” Oh dear God. I’m not going to bother talking about the plot, so let me rip off what someone at IMDB said.
OK. First question. Who the hell would name a demon Pumpkinhead? Oddly enough, rather than looking like a pumpkin, this demon looked more like that thing from the Hellraiser movie that just roamed around in that hallway and fought the leading lady over that hippie cube toward the film’s climax. Pumpkinhead was one of those movies that was so bad I couldn’t stop watching. I will say that I liked how the guy who called up Pumpkinhead slowly turned into him, or whatever the hell it was he did. And at least the dog lived, or I think it did.
Oh, man. There are Pumpkinhead sequels? I’m sure they will appear On Demand in the next month or so.
I seem to remember last year when Katrina was still fresh in everybody’s minds hearing how we were headed to a new generation of hurricanes, thanks to global warming and George W. Bush. Why, they were going to be bigger and badder; super-sized even! Well, now it’s one year later, and where are these uber-hurricanes? Where’s Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in that god-awful annoying-as-fuck voice of his trying to make me feel guilty for driving to work rather than taking a dozen transfers in order to show up at my job after a five-hour commute courtesy of public transportation? Buck up enviro-weenies. There’s always next year.
While I’m on this subject I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. I’ve noticed during the last few years an AccuWeather meteorologist by the name of Joe Bastardi has made a few appearances on Sean Hannity’s radio show, among other places. Having worked at AccuWeather years ago, I’ve been around this guy. Now you may be expecting me to bring up some stories of how he sliced Asian children in half and drank their blood. Not quite. I will say that this guy is a horrible-ass writer. (I know. Pot. Kettle. Black. Fuck you.) Every morning I had to proofread this daily column of his that was posted on AccuWeather’s Web site. Holy fuck. If you people thought I rambled on and on and on and on, don’t EVER read his stuff. It was so bad that when I started working there I was told to just glance through it and just move it along because it wasn’t worth revising. Besides, there were a few hundred other clients that needed worked on, and those were of more importance than “WebJB,” which was the filename of Bastardi’s daily column.
Ha. I just went on Wikpedia and found this. No, I didn’t write it.
Actually, what I really want to bitch about regarding Bastardi was during my final weeks at AccuWeather. My boss knew I was leaving. No, I wasn’t burning any bridges. The better half had just been accepted to the University of Dayton and I let my boss know at least 4-5 months ahead of time that I was going to be leaving. During this time the other copyeditor on my shift got promoted, and the company had just hired this chick to take over her full-time slot. (I was a part-timer and my replacement didn’t get hired until 2-3 months later.) Now we were always busy, and I frequently stayed past my scheduled shift (getting paid, of course) to help her out. One of my selfless acts of charity was to edit WebJB. Every day. Ugh.
Not many women worked at AccuWeather during my time there, and couple that with the fact she wasn’t 300 lbs with five kids, this chick, who just graduated nearby Penn State University, was much more popular with the male meteorologists than I could have ever been. She of course knew this, and we actually had an inside joke going about my status as “phantom” copyeditor. Well, one day Bastardi came over to our station and began showering this chick with praise about what a great job she was doing and how his columns looked great. Never mind the fact I was reading those bastards every fucking day. When I went to ask Joe about a letter to the editor he wrote the other day in the local newspaper, he told me to shut up! You bitch. Needless to say, his WebJB columns weren’t as readable for the rest of my time there.
But I can’t be all that hard on Bastardi. After all, there were many days when he wore sweatpants to work. Respect due.
Spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.
Yesterday I was fiddling around with Comcast’s On Demand service and decided to check out this new horror section. While browsing through the selection of so-called horror movies, I figured what the hell and watched "Night of the Living Dead." Of course, this wasn’t the original black-and-white version. Instead, it was the crappy re-make that was done back in the late 1980s; why they decided to do this I have no idea. Hell, nobody really dies from zombies either. Now granted there were that many zombie-related deaths in the first one, but you'd figure with the remake they'd show a few humans getting eaten. Well, OK, that kid’s mom gets killed by her daughter, but that zombie-kill doesn’t count. And the ending was just plain dumb. First off, I liked the black guy in the original, and you felt bad when he got off’d. With Living Dead v. 2.0, he turns into a zombie and the chick who got killed in the original version is now the heroine. At least some things didn’t change. The film still took place in redneck-ville, and the sad thing is the producers did a pretty decent job of capturing the residents of the flyover portions of Pennsylvania.
I’m not a big zombie fan, and when it comes to the “of the Dead” set of movies, I have to say the original “Night of the Living Dead” was my favorite. “Day of the Dead” comes in second with “Dawn of the Dead” a distant third. I haven’t seen “Land of the Dead” yet, so as of right now I’m pretending it never happened. I started a thread a while back about why I don’t like “Dawn,” and my feelings on the matter haven’t changed much, if at all. In fact, I must reiterate the following:
A side note regarding “Day of the Dead,” back in the 1980s I had this friend who would always say, “Fucking ‘a, biggest piece of meat in the cave.” Once I saw “Day,” I finally got what he was talking about. Oh, and the one guy, I think he was the commander, reminded me of Eric Bischoff.
While watching last night’s movie, it got me the thinking. If zombies were to roam the streets, how would I react? Well, I probably wouldn’t bother boarding up the house. They’re going to get in anyway, so I should spend my energy elsewhere. Now, if I heard on the news about the zombie-fest from home and had a few hours to think about what to do, I might consider driving to my brother-in-law’s house. Not only is it a bigger house than mine, but he has guns and I’m sure he has an attic or something that can offer better protection. If this plan was deep-sixed, I’d try to get up in my pseudo-attic. The problem is I’d have to unscrew some ventilation fan in order to get up there. I’d also have to pray the zombies don’t pile upon each other because the ceiling is only a few feet above my head.
I think a better course of action would be to go into the either my basement’s fruit cellar or garage. The garage would be the less preferred of the two because while there is only one door to get in or out, I’m sure if enough zombies banged on the garage door they might eventually break in. And considering the car in the garage would be blocked the other care in driveway, I really wouldn’t be able to drive away. The fruit cellar would be a better barricading facility. There’s only one door, and I could put a pantry in front of it, too. The only problem is that there are no bathroom facilities, but oh well. The only problem with this shelter, like many other options, is that I would have no idea what’s going on in the outside world. Then again, if zombies were roaming about, I don’t think I’d want to know what’s going on. Any, yes, the cats would be in the fruit cellar with me and the better half.
• You know what’s offensive about the whole Kramer-saying-the-n-word-at-a-nightclub story? Not Kramer saying naughty words. The “offended’ audience members wanting money for the whole thing. And is it any shock that bottom-feeder Gloria Allred is representing the plaintiffs?
Wait a second, Kramer apologized to Jesse Jackson and Poo-face? Were they in the audience, too? N*ggas plz.
• I’m in a bit of a pickle. You see, I’ve been called many things in my life – asshole, sexist, Jew, fag, bad tipper. And those are some of the nicer labels thrown at me. Another title I've earned over the years is “hard to shop for.” If you buy me an article of clothing, I won’t wear it. And other than watching movies, playing video games and listening to music, I really don’t spend disposable income on anything else, and if you try to buy me one of these three things I either already own what you purchased, or I’ll never get around to play/watch/listen to whatever you got. It’s not because I’m some sort of snob, but rather because I’m generally content with my possessions. Yeah, it’s always nice to get more stuff, but I’m not going to go bonkers just because I don’t get latest John Madden football game during its launch date. Actually, I only did this once with the 2003 edition, and I haven’t even purchased the last two Madden games to come out. Anyway, the better half always bitches because she can never figure out what to get me for Christmas or my birthday. Gee, sorry to disappoint you, yet again; at least this time it's out of the bedroom. I’ll try to be more superficial and materialistic next year. Well this year she’s CONVINCED that she got me a gift I’ll never expect. The problem is I already know what it is. It’s the most recent South Park DVD to come out. How do I know this? Elementary. Basically, I saw her looking at it in a Thanksgiving Day circular, and when she said how much money she was getting off the regular price, I did 1+1 and came up with South Park Season 8. So should I be an asshole and tell her that I already know, or should I just keep my mouth shut. Actually, if she really wanted to surprise me she would get those James Bond DVDs that were just released, or Adobe Creative Suite 2 that is for sale at her workplace for just a fraction of its retail price.
And she seems so proud of being able to “stump” me this year.
Well Thanksgiving was harmless enough. No crack whore. No out-of-control teen niece-in-law. Just food. And lots of it. I’m generally a no-frills eater, and Turkey Day is no exception to this rule. Just give me turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and corn and I’m happy. I love yams, but they get in the way, as do green beans. As for the other shit that’s put out on our buffet spread, bah, I don’t care. Since the better half can’t eat poultry because it gets her sick, she always makes these veggie dishes that make me want to gag. This year her concoction involved several different kinds of peppers, onions and stringy green beans. She also made these hippie stuffed mushroom things, which weren’t much better. And guess who had to hold both containers in his lap during the drive to the in-laws? Yep.
After stuffing myself silly on this one day of the year where it’s OK to be a pig (I had three full plates worth of the goodness mentioned above; I was so sick afterward I couldn’t get up from the recliner), there is another tradition I have taken part in the last few years. That tradition is going out on Black Friday to be one of those idiots trying to get good deals at 6 a.m. Unfortunately, I did no such thing this year. There were some things I would have gobbled up like the food I had consumed the day before, but I made a promise to myself that the better half’s credit card debt comes first. Oh the sacrifices I make.
The funny thing about Black Friday is that with all the stupid stories I have about life at the Quickie Mart, the food-service industry and the theater, along the other day-to-day experiences I have encountered during my brief time on this planet, I really don’t have any Black Friday experiences worth telling. I think part of the reason is that because I’m a strapping young lad most people don’t try to trample over me in order to get to that $20 DVD player. I mean, I’ve heard people bitching while at Best Buy or Kohls trying to get a $5 toaster or $3 video game, but it was nothing worth repeating. Basically, whenever I’m in one of these situations I just stay in line and zone out because I know I’ll be standing around for quite a long time. In lieu of any worthwhile Black Friday stories, let me try and remember what I got last year at this time.
Best Buy: Hell, I don’t remember. Probably some DVDs.
Target: Some DVD’s, I think. I know that’s when I got Napoleon Dynamite and that Family Guy Stewie Special. Now for those that always label me a negative ninny, let me say that I’m not actually all that upset for dredging through the Black Friday mess for these two DVDs: one that was disappointing and the other that was a full-fledged piece of shit. In fact, I’m glad I bought Napoleon Dynamite at the price I did because otherwise I would have had to kill someone for paying a higher price for that garbage.
Kohls: Some “Scene It?” games, a food vacuum sucker thing, a mini fryer that’s been used all of one time, and some other shit I can’t remember.
Office Max: A shredder, these nice computer speakers and some work-related office supplies stuff. Call me an employee with a bad attitude if you want, but one thing I know how to do is keep my department’s costs down.
Mall: I don’t think I got anything.
GameStop: A few video games, Star Wars Battlefront being the one that jumps out. Oh, and NHL ’06 and Grand Turismo 3.
Wal-Mart: I think last year was when I got a vacuum “lite” for the basement. Not quite a “real” vacuum, but not a hand-held either. Still works rather well.
All in all, I remember saving several hundred dollars, so yes, missing out on this year’s Black Friday did take some willpower for me to accomplish. Good thing that “turkey dope” didn’t make me all that motivated to get up and go shopping the next day. Well, that and staying up until 4 a.m. playing video games. Oh, and did I mention that aside from the things I bought for Mrs. kkk, all of this shit was purchased for me? You people with the somewhat normal families and your holiday get-togethers: keep 'em. I want none of that shit.
Might as well get these out of the way first. Rest of the games will be coming later today:
(2.5) Miami at Detroit
Normally Detroit, no matter how shitty they are all season, seem to get up for this one time they are on national television, but I feel like ruining the Dolphins' winning streak by picking them instead.
Tampa Bay at Dallas (11.5)
Dallas will probably win, although this is could be a letdown week for them. Because of that, I'm going with the upset or a close Cowboys win.
Denver at Kansas City (1.5)
It's a divisional game, and it's pretty much a straight-up pick 'em. I'll go with the Chiefs for the heck of it.
Arizona at Minnesota (6.5)
I’m eyeing that point spread with caution, but I think the Vikings will be able to pull this one out.
(4.5) Carolina at Washington
Time for Carolina to do that second-half-of-season run, and I’m only a few weeks late in jumping on this train.
Chicago at New England (3.5)
I heard someone today mention this as a possible Super Bowl match-up. Or should I say rematch? That got me the thinking about the last time these two met in the Super Bowl, with Chicago crushing New England. I also remembered the two teams making music videos. Most every football fan from the 1980s remembers the Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle, but I also recall the Patriots song. I don’t remember much about it, but the chorus went something like, “New England, the Patriots and me,” or something like that. I actually preferred the Pats song over the Bears as a kid, and after re-watching both I remember why I liked it better. I'm a fag. Well, that and also because I think it satisfied my ADD. I also remember the New York Mets had a tune of their own, but the only thing I remember about that is some guy in the video treating several Met players like bobblehead dalls, and they beat him up. Ha. That guy was Joe Piscopo. Oh, yeah. I take the Patriots in this one; I think their defense will be too much for Rex Grossman.
(3.5) Cincinnati at Cleveland
The battle of Ohio. I think the Bengals will win and start a run for a Wild Card spot.
Houston at N.Y. Jets (5.5)
After a tough loss to the Bears and with the Texans coming in, I’d normally go with the Jets, but that point spread. Oh what the hell. I’ll take them anyway.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Buffalo
I’m a little surprised at this spread, which is why I’ll take the Jags on the road.
New Orleans at Atlanta (3.5)
Even though I think the Saints might be in the start of a predicted late-season fall, I can’t go with the Falcons with how shitty they have played as of late.
(3.5) N.Y. Giants at Tennessee
Like the Jacksonville game, the point spread surprises me. Then again, Tennessee can play a team tough. Nevertheless, I’ll go with the Giants on the road.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis (9.5)
First the Eagles lost McNabb. Now they face a Colts team that had its first loss of the season. I’ll take Indy, even with the spread.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (2.5)
If Baltimore wins, hopefully this will shut up the idiot Steeler fans who think the black and gold are still in playoff contention. This is a physical rivalry, but the Ravens play the Steelers good at home. Throw in McNair, and I’ll also throw in a few touchdown passes.
San Francisco at St. Louis (5.5)
San Francisco has been playing well as of late, and St. Louis has been screwing me over. Fuck the Rams.
Oakland at San Diego (13.5)
I don’t like that spread, and I’ve won with Oakland losing somewhat close games as of late. I think that streak ends with a blowout, especially with what happened the last time these two played earlier in the season.
Green Bay at Seattle (10.5)
I’m taking Seattle, and I STILL don’t know who is starting at quarterback and running back.
