Who needs the pseudo-experts at this place with their fancy smancy win-share totals and minor-league reports when you've got Al kkkeiper here to give you the hook-up. Here's some baseball stuff that popped into my head in the last hour or so. You've been warned.
• The Houston Astros had a chance to get into the postseason, thanks to a late-season surge up the N.L. Central. They came up short in the last weekend of play, which made me curious as to how many one-run games they lost this year. I looked over their regular-season schedule and at a glance I counted 21. Zoinks. Ah hell, I might as well see how many one-run games the Astros won – 25. So that means they were 25-21 in one-run games. Um, well, they should have won some more. But how did St. Louis do in one-run games? Ah, hell. They were 22-27. Whatever, I’m not deleting all this exhaustive research I’ve conducted just because it makes no sense to my original point.
• Bye Racist Dusty. Perhaps you should go to a team that plays in warmer weather, such as Florida or Arizona. This way you can better utilize your black and Hispanic ballplayers.
• Now there’s talk about Roger Clemens taking naughty drugs. Don’t care. Like I said before, this who era in baseball is roided up, and let the accusations fly. I’m a Clemens fan, but Major League Baseball brought all of this upon itself.
• Ryan Howard for MVP. I don’t know who’s in contention for any of the other awards.
• Yesterday the Pirates played their final game for the 2006 season. Now I could make yet another joke about how this team sucks, but instead I’m going to give props to Freddy Sanchez for winning the N.L. batting title. From what I’ve seen of Freddy he played hard this season, which is amazing considering he had no reason to considering the team he was on. For God's sake the fans were popping wood because the team finished with a winning record for the first time ever at PNC Park; now that’s some high standards there. One thing that did surprise me is that the Pirates have had 25 batting titles, which is the most of any team. I watched the final three outs of Sunday’s 1-0 victory against the Reds, and it was nice to see Sanchez get the props he deserves, especially considering he didn’t get an opportunity to start until May. But enough of talking about this crap; let’s move onto real baseball teams that are still playing.
• I really don’t have a “favorite” baseball team. There are certain players I like, but in regards to actual franchises I’m indifferent to most of them. If you put a gun to my head and forced me to pick a team, I’d probably go with the St. Louis Cardinals – I don’t know why, I just like how that team is run. Whenever the MLB postseason starts up, I’ll pick a team or two and pull for them to win. It’s not big deal if they lose, and if they win I’ll say “yay” and move on with my life. The only exception to this rule is when there’s a team I don’t want to win, such as when Racist Dusty almost lead his Cubs to the 2003 World Series, or when Barry Bonds finally made it to the Fall Classic. I’ve only done this mini-bandwagon thing for a few years, and my track record has been OK. In 2001 I was pulling the Arizona Diamondbacks because I like Curt Schilling and wanted to see him get a championship. Plus I also felt bad for that Asian pitcher who gave up back-to-back game-ending home runs. In 2002 I was rooting for the Anaheim Angles, especially when they faced off against the San Francisco Giants in the World Series. Nothing brought me greater joy that year than seeing Racist Dusty’s brat cry after the Giants lost Game 7. I went with the Florida Marlins in 2003, mostly because they managed to beat Racist Dusty. In 2004 I didn’t want to see the Red Sox win it all because there was nothing more entertaining in sports talk radio than to year Boston fans dejected at their team falling short yet again, but c'est la vie. Last year was pretty much a wash because I didn’t care who won – the White Sox or Astros.
This year is pretty much a repeat of 2005. I don’t know much about any of the teams (as if I ever do), but if I have to pick a team I would probably go with the Yankees. Yeah, the EVIL EMPIRE. I think my main reason for wanting them to win is because I want Alex Rodriguez to win a championship and shut up all the A-Rod haters. Who will win this year? I dunno. The weird thing about the MLB playoffs is that five-game first-round. You could play a grueling 162-game schedule, and in just three games all that blood, sweat and tears will get flushed down the toilet. Then again, a seven-game series can end in as quickly as four games but oh well.
Without further ado, here is my playoff tree as to how I think this postseason will play out. Take this information, do the opposite of what I write and call your bookie.
NL PLAYOFFS:
St. Louis vs. San Diego. These two played last year in the first round, and the Cardinals handedly won. The Cards haven’t been playing well, and I’ll say the Padres will win in four.
Los Angeles vs. New York. The Mets haven’t played a meaningful game in months and have been without the services of Pedro Martinez for just as long. I seem to remember the Dodgers being on several hot and cold streaks this year. Oh what the hell – Dodgers in five.
Los Angeles vs. San Diego. When I was a kid I liked both the Dodgers and the Padres. I followed Los Angeles due to Fernando Valenzuela and because there was an old Mr. Ed episode that guest-starred several old-school Dodgers. Tony Gwynn is one of my all-time favorite players, so that explains my Padre love. Because the wild card teams have a legit shot at reaching the World Series, I’ll say Dodgers in four.
AL PLAYOFFS:
Oakland vs Minnesota. I have no clue who is on the A’s roster other than that Zito hippie and Jason Kendall (he is still there, right?). They never make it out of the first round, so I’ll go with Minnesota in five.
Detroit vs New York. Although my insisting the Tigers were “for real” is what probably led to their late-season collapse, I wasn’t intentionally trying to ruin this team. I always liked Jim Leyland, but I think the Tigers are going to be one of those “Boy we’re sure happy to be here” stories, so I’ll say New York sweeps the series.
Minnesota vs. New York. Small market vs. Big market. David vs. Goliath. Fuck that shit – I’m going with the owner who didn’t want to contract his team. Yankees in five.
WORLD SERIES:
Los Angeles vs. New York. Right. Like these two teams I picked are going to be around at this point – both will probably get swept in the first round. Nevertheless, Yankees in five.
• A few days ago I was ragging on Shittsburgh’s Port Authority because they were, once again, whining about how they would have to raise fares if they didn’t get more tax money to keep their inefficient public transportation system chugging along. In that same entry, I also goofed on how the Allegheny County Council wanted to pass a public smoking ban. Well, as I was driving through this pristine city on the way to pick up the better half from her job, I realized that I probably inhale more exhaust from these busses in a day than I inhale from second-hand smoke in a year. Should a tumor ever develop in my lung, I wonder if I could sue the Port Authority for having their pollution-spewing vehicles closer than 15 feet in front of me? (This proposed countywide smoking ban would prohibit anyone from smoking within 15 feet of businesses.) Hell, since these busses spit out more toxic emissions than my car, I feel they should have to be restricted to their very own road, and that road should also be an enclosed structure so those that choose to ride in these disgusting vehicles have to breathe in their own exhaust. Hey, it’s my right as a motorist not to inhale these toxic vapors; why should I have to end my life early because these lumbering contraptions freely pollute our publicly financed roads? But you know who are hardest hit by this pollution? The children. Well, maybe not mine since I don’t have any, but if I were to have a kkk Jr., he or she would be hardest hit for sure. Hey, if states can sue car manufactures for polluting the environment, why can’t I do the same to our local public officials?
• I don’t care if the way Australian scientists want to curb the growing Koala population is by planting a contraceptive between a female’s shoulder blades; I want to keep the image in my head of these scientists putting condoms on these cuddly bears. Why am I imaging this I have no idea, but it sure scares the hell out of me that I am doing so.
• Now the GOP is really on my shit list – just as I started to get into on-line betting these bitches want to outlaw me from using credit cards, checks and electronic fund transfers to pay my wagers. You guys need to stay out of my bedroom. Well, actually I don’t care if you’re in that room because nothing ever happens there, but don’t you dare set one foot into my computer room.
• I remember when Farm Aid was started it was to try and help small, family owned farms survive; a nice, populist cause if there ever was one. Now these concerts are encouraging us to eat organic shit? Either the original point of Farm Aid has gone away, or Willie Nelson, Neil Young and John Mellencamp have given up. I guess the next evolution of this concert will be to encourage everyone in attendance to write their Congressperson to encourage the banning of trans-fatty foods (unless this has already been done – I’m not hip on the latest goings-on at Farm Aid).
• Good for you Arnold for vetoing this stupid bill that would have given California’s electoral votes to the presidential candidate that gets the most popular votes of the country rather than the actual state itself. We’re not a democracy, we’re a representative republic; it’s not my fault government schools don’t teach this to our youth. Then again, it might be funny to actually let this bill pass because I’d love to see the leftists, who support this idea, backtrack when these 50+ electoral votes go to a Republican candidate rather than to the person running on the Democrat ticket who would be more likely to win this commie state’s popular vote.
• Fucking Democrats will do anything to get their power back. How else can you explain this?
Well, I guess there’s one other scenario that might be applicable in this instance – this guy is OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND (allegedly, of course). What the hell is wrong with people? I honestly don’t know how I can make a wisecrack that’s better than the actual article itself. I mean, I guess I could say that if Barney Frank was doing this there wouldn’t be a story, but that joke is nothing when matched up against this.
• This is why I can never can fully embrace my brethren from the North. Canada, I like you and all, but not only are you a bit too tilted toward the socialist side of things for my taste, but also your freedom of speech laws leave something to be desired.
So displaying a picture of an aborted fetus is considered obscene? Larry Flynt could have one with a strap-on hitting it doggy-style with another fetus that didn’t make it through the third trimester and there would be people down here in the States calling that art (especially a particular politician from Florida; allegedly, of course).
• Well of course those “Bumfights” videos made some teens go out and pummel a homeless person to death. I guess Lionel Tate’s lawyer now has a new client to defend.
• And speaking of rumbles, screw their actual chess matches, I want to see these two retards duke it out in the parking lot.
In high school I joined the chess club during my junior and senior years. Well, actually my friend and I signed up just to play in some day-long tournament that was held at our school once a year. Hey, it beat going to class. The first match of the day always had me pitted against a kid from another school who attended this event to get out of class, too. We'd talk more about sports than we played. I usually won those games because my opponent would lose his queen first. In my second match of the day I always played against some kid who knew what he was doing, and I would get my king handed to me in no time. I'd then play a match against someone dumb like me, followed by some uber-smart kid. We also had free cookies and drinks, so all in all it wasn't that bad a day. In fact, after our junior year about a dozen other kids like us who attended just to get out of a day’s worth of classes joined my friend and me in next year’s tournament. Funny thing is that some of these kids were pretty good chess players, which pissed off those who actually attended this club's regular meetings.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Although the lady who phoned in and said she was “afraid” that her husband wanted to teach their kid the alphabet at too early an age and the guy who asked if it was OK to watch horror movies with his four-year old son are both good candidates, they can't top this one. A woman called in and asked at what age her kids should learn that their dad is a convicted sex offender. When asked how old her kids were, the caller replied, “19 and 16.”
• Allegheny County executive board members (or whatever these people are called) have just passed a public smoking ban that is awaiting a signature from County Chief Executive President Dan Onorato. Here’s what I don’t get about this whole anti-smoking crusade. If puffing cancer sticks is so bad for you (and I’m not saying that it isn’t), then let’s just outright ban these things. I’m not a smoker. Never have been; never will. Well, there were a few times I would light up a Swisher Sweet during my college days, but that was because I needed something to keep me awake while I drove home from 16+ hours worth of work and classes. That Swishers’ tangy taste and aroma helped keep me alert enough so that I didn’t veer off the road and crash into a building. Other than that, I have never touched a cigarette/cigar. (I did consume chewing tobacco one night while drunk, but that’s another story for another time.) Cigarettes are a tax on the stupid, and if you want to smoke them, that’s your choice. I also think it should be the choice of business owners to decide for themselves whether or not to make their establishments a smoking or non-smoking facility. Yeah, I’ve heard the anti-smoking Gestapo say that a bar’s owner is putting the health of his or her customers and employees at risk. Patrons can frequent somewhere else, and employees can get another job. There’s a scale I use that measures how much freedom people should be allowed to have and how much regulation is required for “the greater good.” This issue of letting private businesses decide on giving them the choice of whether to be a smoking or non-smoking facility, or if Big Brother “knows what’s best” and forbids any kind of smoking in a business’ vicinity can play a role in whether or not I determine how much of a commie somebody is. Now if you think Big Brother “knows what’s best” in this situation, don't worry; I won’t necessarily label you a commie for this alone. I do see the other point of view in this debate; I just disagree with it. (By the way, if there is ever a law to outright ban tobacco, I wouldn't complain. Well that is other than knowing that "fat taxes" will be used to replace cigarette taxes, which will be gone as a result of banning tobacco products.)
The best part of this above-mentioned story is that smoking will be allowed to take place in a casino which will soon be sprouting up in the region. Now wait a second. I’ve never been to a casino, nor do I care to, but I’ve seen enough on television to know that quite a few people can fit into one of these places. And yet it’s OK to smoke HERE?! I’m striking up a local tone here because our piece of shit governor Edward Rendell thinks that the state will be better off if we allowed casinos to set up shop in Pennsylvania. My opinion on this matter is mostly indifferent. I don’t care if they get built, but then again I’m not a restaurant owner that will probably get screwed over if a casino gets built next to my business. But Fast Eddie is acting like these casinos will single handedly rejuvenate the state. It’s not. But by the time the idiots who support this initiative realize this, Swindell would already be out of office and headed toward greener pastures.
• Keeping up with the Nanny-State theme, I give this three years before the health Nazis try this sort of shit to Middle America. I can’t wait to see the excuses as to why we’re all a bunch of fatties when fast-food restaurants get banned. By the way, the government is all about limiting our choices for health reasons; hence smoking bans and soon-to-be “fat” bans. But why is it there’s one choice out there that actually kills life and is seemingly untouchable? *whistles and walks away*
• You know, if The Onion would write stuff like this...
...I might actually read what they produce. The sad thing about this is that it isn’t satire; it’s nonfiction. And since I’m talking about The Onion, the only thing I ever intentionally laughed at that was written by them was a story about an athlete blaming God for a loss.
• I heard on the radio today that the Pennsylvania Port Authority has fired its Harrisburg-based lobbying group (Harrisburg is PA’s state capital for the geographically challenged) for wasting money. Wow, when the Port Authority thinks you are wasting too much money, you know the situation is bad. And while I’m on this subject, I’ve been hearing rumblings from this bureaucracy that they need more money or else they’ll have to drastically increase fares. Of course, they can’t just get rid of routes that nobody attends or utilize smaller vehicles to take over these unpopulated stops. That would save money, and we sure as hell can’t have that. One solution I’ve heard is to raise the state gasoline tax by 10 cents per gallon. Let me get this straight. Mass transit is out of money. To get more money, Pennsylvania raises the gas tax. Mass transit relies heavily on gasoline. Mass transit has no money. Makes perfect sense to me. While we’re at it, let’s tax tires and vehicle windows.
• There’s a government school in Michigan that invited this German-based choir to sing at their school. However, there was one stipulation. No religious songs. What was this choir named? “Voices of Heaven.” And people wonder why I call these institutions “government” schools.
• But not everything is negative in this crazy world of ours. Paul Harvey said earlier today that a fellow Aussie is in negotiations to play the role of the late Steve Irwin in a movie about his life. Who’s this Aussie?
Russell Crowe.
Even though later reports deny this annoucement, I don't care. I so want this movie made. “See that croc there? What a beauty. They like to lay in the water and soak up the sun’s rays. But do you know what else they like to do?”
"Fightin!"
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 54: Cobain was Murdered
I like the guy, even though I didn’t actually speak to CWM until several years into my TSM posting. He's had an interesting selection of jobs, from his stint as a rugged lumberjack to being able to go to town with a store's slurpee machine (and don't forget about the other perks of working third-shift at a Quickie-Mart). Then there's the gnomes. Lots of gnomes. Oodles and oodles of gnomes. With the recent tensions between Mrs. kkk and our next-door neighbors, I wonder if CWM wouldn't mind taking his show on the road.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• OK, time to see if my Week 3 pickkks were the charm.
Carolina at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
Goddamn point spreads. Who’s the asshole who comes up with this shit? Oh, nevermind.
Chicago at Minnesota. Incorrect.
See my above post. I thought the Vikings would make this a close game, but not this close. Purple faggots.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh. Correct.
Nothing really much to say about this game other than that Shittsburgh fans are about to go into panic mode because the Steelers lost two close games to two teams that posted better regular-season records than they did last year. And it’s not going to get any easier with a game at San Diego after a Week 4 bye. To be fair, the Steelers had every chance to win this game against the Bengals, but that muffed punt return really hurt them. After hearing this play on the radio, my first thought was, “I wonder if Cowher misses Antwaan Randle El right about now." Sure he botched a few punts during his time with the Steelers, but he also broke a few for big plays.
Green Bay at Detroit. Correct.
OK, this exercise in futility isn’t funny anymore. I don’t know who will feel worse: Detroit at season’s end or the one or two teams who will probably get upset by the Lions this year.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis. Correct.
Remember what I said about the point spreads in the Carolina/Tampa Bay contest? I take that all back. Jacksonville had possession of the ball for how many minutes in the first half – 25? Damn. And they got beat nevertheless. On a Peyton Manning bootleg.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo. Incorrect.
How many yards rushing and passing did the Bills have over the Jets in this game? [119 yards to 73 and 306 yards to 182.] And they still lost. Figures that I picked them.
Tennessee at Miami. Correct.
Chalk up another point-spread win. And what happened to all that talk during training camp about Daunte Culpepper being unstoppable?
Washington at Houston. Correct.
Boy, what an impressive win. The Redskins should be proud of defeating such an AFC powerhouse. Is Cleveland on their schedule later in the year?
Baltimore at Cleveland. Incorrect.
I guess I could say that due to Cleveland playing the team-that-used-to-be-the-Browns I should have known this game would have been close. But that would have required me to look up past scores, and I’m too lazy for that.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle. Correct.
Poor Emily. He should get his daddy to yell at his receivers for dropping his passes. Actually, I got pissed toward the end when I learned that Seattle let their lead drop to less than 20 points. When you have the chance to lay a beat down on Emily, do so. Please. For the children.
Philadelphia at San Francisco. Correct.
The only thing that surprised me was the lack of McNabb knob-slobbing that took place afterward by Chris Berman and pals.
St. Louis at Arizona. Incorrect.
Two teams I know nothing about (as opposed to the other 30 franchises in the NFL ) playing a game I had no idea who was going to win.
Denver at New England. Incorrect.
Didn’t see the game. Was a bit surprised at the outcome. Denver seems to have the Patriots’ number.
Atlanta at New Orleans. Incorrect.
Hey, props to the Saints for being 3-0. I wonder how much returning to the Superdome really played a factor in this upset win. I might want to pull for this team, but I know that if they get anywhere near the playoffs the sappy media coverage will make me wish for Katrina to make a return to the Deep South.
Overall Score: 7-7. Cumulative Score: 24-22. Hooray for mediocrity +1.
• Yesterday I had a headache, but today was even better. I was at the office from 7 a.m.-3:30 p.m., which is the second consecutive weekend I have come in to work (last Saturday was one of those times, too). Like I have said before, even though the idea of putting in extra time seems like a real chore, I actually revel in it – that is once I drag myself out of bed, shower and drive in to work. Not only do I not have to worry about my idiot bosses or annoying co-workers, but also I get to wear shorts and skip shaving. Besides, thanks to these past two weekends, that four-day mini-vacation coming up on October 6 is looking pretty good. (Provided I stay around that long, but that’s another story for another time; I don’t like putting the cart in front of the horse.) The biggest question facing me today was when I should leave for home. You see, the Steelers were playing in Shittsburgh today, and my drive home would be greatly affected by post-game traffic if I left work too late. I had been paying attention with how the Steelers were faring in their game against the Bengals, and as 3:30 p.m. approached, I was feeling confident that the fans would stay until the game concluded sometime around 4 p.m. After all, the Steelers were ahead – what reason could people have to leave early? Oh, how about the two touchdowns scored off of stupid turnovers that put Cincinnati up 28-17 with nine minutes to go in the fourth quarter? When this dramatic turnaround happened, I got the hell out of there, fearing the gridlock I might be facing if I stayed later. Fortunately, the Steelers had a decent drive shortly after these two Bengal touchdowns and kicked a field goal, putting them within eight points of tying the game. Thanks to the Steelers keeping the game close, I had a smooth commute home. Despite this brief fear of possibly being surrounded by drunk, angry Steeler motorists on the way home from a divisional loss, this Sunday was much less eventful than last week’s, when the better half got into it with our neighbors.
Let me set the scene. It was around 8:30 p.m. and Mrs. kkk was in the cat’s room cleaning out their drinking fountain (we call this the “kids’ room” because this is where their food, water and two of their four litter boxes are placed). Suddenly, there was a lot of commotion coming from outside. For those that remember, our neighbors with the dog that won’t shut up apparently got free from her leash and was running around the neighborhood, stirring up every other canine that lives on our street. Some people were shouting at the top of their lungs for this dog to return home. As the better half looked out the one window to see what the hell was going on, the neighbor’s wife started yelling at her and said, “If you want a show, I’ll give you a show,” and pulled up her shirt. She then gave Mrs. kkk the finger. This should have some interesting developments down the road.
• So a few nights ago I decided to play on-line poker for money. I went to one place, plucked down $50 and went to work. It’s weird that when you’re not playing for fake chips and instead using actual money that you earned those 2-8 off-suite hands don’t look as appealing as they once did. I spent about 5 minutes folding before I got my first winning hand, 6-6. I then started to bluff, raise and call my way to increasing my bank account by a whopping $18 – hey, when you’re playing 50-cent/$1 blinds, you can’t expect to start raking in the six-figure jackpots right away. So with a $50 deposit, I expanded my poker empire to a whopping $68. I was on a hot streak, baby. Nothing could stop me. That was until I went to a table where the people actually knew what they were doing. Five minutes and several hands later my $68 turned to $39; that’s when I knew it was time to take my ball and go home for the night. I still have no clue as to what I’m doing, and I really don’t care either. Just let me have my fun.
• There’s this show on the TLC channel about this family from Arkansas with 16 kids. I thought I couldn’t see anything worse than that until tonight when TLC aired a show featuring a guy with three wives. Jesus Christ, one is bad enough – but three?! Boy did the redneck stereotypes flow freely throughout this bunch. I can’t wait to see how the six or so kids who live in this house turn out (although I think a compound would be a more accurate description of their living residence).
I must have slept in an awkward position last night because I woke up early this morning with one of those nagging headaches. You know, the kind that isn’t quite up to “throbbing” status, but yet it is persistent enough to make you feel like doing nothing – and even when you are doing nothing, it is not as fun as it should be because you have that little pounding going on up there in your cranium (sort of like what you are experiencing right now reading this entry). Since I couldn’t go back to sleep, I began some channel surfing. It’s always interesting to do this once in a while during a part of the day when you are not normally accustomed to watching television; I guess it is a chance to see what those people that are usually up with nothing to do in the wee-hours of the morning have at their disposal for entertainment. As a kid I always used to love staying up late on Sunday nights when I didn’t have to go to school Monday. I don’t know why; the night just seemed so … different. Oh well.
While going through various channels, I came across some profile story of Kathie Lee Gifford. I never had a problem with this chick, but then again I never watched her show with Regis. I’m sure reading my stories about the better half and the cats are annoying enough; I’d imagine having to hear about someone’s two kids on a daily basis would be worse. Still though, I’m not going to badmouth her. The only thing that disturbed me during this show was when she said that a person once called and asked her to make a CD filled with inspirational songs. Her response to this guy was that she would “pray on it,” and then she actually did so. Pray on it? Whenever someone says shit like that I get a little scared. I mean, what exactly do you do when you pray on something like this? “Uh, hi, God. I know you’re up there doing your thing – starting hurricanes, bringing life into this world, waiting for Allah to raise his pocket aces (boy is he going to be mad when you bust out your queen-high straight; and she isn't even wearing a burka), but I was wondering if you could help me out in this bind. No, I’m not asking for your assistance with a cancer-stricken family member. I’m also not wishing you to give me the resolve to leave my cheating scumbag husband. The reason I’m calling you today is because this guy wants me to sing on this album that will undoubtedly be popular with Middle America and bring in a bunch of money. What should I do?” Yeesh.
After watching this show I flipped through a few more channels and came across this A&E Biography on the "Brady Bunch" television show. Why in the hell did I watch this? Oh, I know: to learn that Cousin Oliver did the voice of Michelangelo in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I haven’t seen the sequels, but I really liked the first movie. In fact, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” was one of the few films I watched multiple times in the theater. That and “Weekend at Bernie’s.” (Don’t ask why, because I couldn’t give you an answer.) However, I was a Raphael fan, so I still say fuck Cousin Oliver for single-handedly ruining the “Brady Bunch.” Sure the show was probably crapping out at around this point in the series, but it’s easier, and more fun, to put all of the blame on some kid with glasses and a bowl haircut. Speaking of the “Brady Bunch,” years ago I remember Eve Plumb, the chick who played Jan, on a talk show, and when taking questions from the audience some girl asked Eve if she could do her infamous “Marsha Marsha Marsha” line. Wow, was Eve an asshole to that audience member. Her reply went something like, “Why don’t you just say it again since you obviously know how it goes.” Eve then started pimping her hippie artwork. Listen here, bitch, I get that you are probably sick of people you’ve never seen before approaching you and asking you to do a line or two from your years as Jan Brady, but that’s part of the deal you signed up for all those years ago while your 15 minutes of fame were ticking away. And now you want us to buy your shitty paintings. What you should have done during this talk show is mention how it’s been decades since your “Brady Bunch” stint and that you are always asked to say lines from this brief period of your life, adding how tiresome this can get at times. Then look at that audience member, give a wink and simply say those three repeated words your fans want to hear. Maybe then you would have been able to sell off some of your retarded art.
Side note: the actor who played Oliver is also born on the same day I was, just 12 years earlier. Weird.
My final stop on the channel surfing express came when I stumbled across C-Span’s “Washington Journal.” The reason I stopped here was because something caught my eye – it was the contact information listed at the bottom of the screen telling you what phone numbers to call to get on the show. During the Clinton Administration, C-Span started this gay policy where if you were a certain ideology you had to call a certain number to comment on the air. (RIGHT-WING MEDIA said this was because too many callers were getting through ragging on Bill Clinton.) Well, now the numbers are still segregated, but instead of “Democrats,” “Republicans,” and “Independents,” the phone numbers they had listed were “If you support Democrats,” “If you support the President,” and “Independents.” What about Republicans who don’t support the President? OMG MAINSTREAMLIBERALBIAS! I have no idea when this new phone number listing started. (I can't remember the last time I watched this show for more than three minutes.) The real reason I wanted to bring up “Washington Journal” is to reminisce about my all-time favorite moment on this show. Years ago when Newt Gingrich was still Speaker of the House, C-Span had this reporter on talking about some political issue of the day. This lady was obviously a liberal and had that holier-than-thou smugness many journalists have when covering politics; that kind of sideline jeering that no matter what a politician does it is the wrong decision and children will die. Anyway, this lady had something wrong with her teeth; I can't remember if she was wearing braces or if there was some wiring around her mouth, but it was obvious that she had spent quite a bit of time at a dentist’s office. This prompted an old lady to call in and berate this journalist for saying mean things about Newt. The caller then made a remark about this journalist’s teeth and hung up. In one fell swoop, some 80-year old from a red state shut up both the reporter (she looked like she was about to cry) and the “Washington Journal” host. Were the caller’s remarks mean-spirited? Sure. But they were also funny as hell.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 55: Bps21
I don’t talk to Bps, but that doesn’t mean I hate him. Back in the day whenever I used to pay attention to pro wrestling, I would read those “One and Only Raw Threads” that would sprout up each Monday, and I would be amazed that almost every post written by Bps seemed to be a negative, smart-ass critique of the action taking place on television. Did I mention that I liked reading these posts? He also took some of this attitude with him when he posted in other subjects, and when you have me going, “Wow. This guy is really jaded,” you know you're doing something right.
And now a word from the expert panel to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Cancer Marney:
• One of the most common lines in the journalism world is “Dog bites man, no story; Man bites dog, story.” Well is it any surprise that this article made the AP wire?
• Once again ol’ Pale Face has put one over on the hippie Indians.
In some odd way, this reminds me of a place near where I live called "Lakeview Inn." What was the reason for this place's name? Why, because there was a huge lake behind this hotel, and this was a popular place for couples to hold their wedding receptions; the lake supposedly provided some nice scenic shots for newlyweds getting their pictures taken. (I wouldn't know however because my overpriced wedding event was at a place down the road called Mountainview Inn. No, there weren't any mountains out back.) Anyway, a few years ago the owner of Lakeview was told that he either had to drain the lake or make some major environmental upgrades to it (don't ask). His decision? To drain the lake. Oh, but he still calls his place "Lakeview" even though there's nothing more than a bunch of weeds growing where the water used to be. What has this got to do with the above-mentioned Indians? Haven't got a clue.
• Tiger Woods is pissed because some tabloid has linked pictures of his wife to pornography sites. Well, at least his wife is/was a model – that's better viewing than watching Jackie Chan in a porno. No wonder he doesn’t like other people doing his stunts. (I won't even comment on the end-of-credit outtakes.)
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This lady calls in and says that after having three dates with this guy they went to get married. However, the Catholic Church told them they refused to marry the lovebirds and they ended up getting "divorced." They have been together now for six years and when the host asked if they have had sex, the caller said, “yes,” because the Church said it was OK. Actually, the caller clarified this by saying that her boyfriend said that someone from the Church told him that this was permissible.
OK, time to see how I did this week with my NFL pickkks.
Buffalo at Miami. Correct.
Well, I was wrong about Miami winning, but I was predicting a close win for the Dolphins and went with the Bills. And since I’m going by point spreads I win. Yippie.
Carolina at Minnesota. Correct.
I predicted another upset by the Vikings, and I was right, thanks to a bone-head play on a Carolina fourth-quarter punt return, or lack thereof. I saw the Vikings play the Steelers in the preseason and was impressed with them, so in a way I’m pulling for this team.
Cleveland at Cincinnati. Correct.
Was there any doubt? I was flipping between this game and the Giants/Eagles contest, and I was fortunate enough to be watching when that Cleveland defender leveled Chad Johnson. I wonder if Chad is going to mark up on his scorecard that this week went to the opposing defense?
Detroit at Chicago. Wrong.
Roy Williams, how could you do this to me? YOU GAURANTEED A WIN THIS WEEK! I went with the Lions based solely on your promise of a victory against a team that is better than yours in every aspect of the game and yet you continue to let me down. How can I ever take you seriously ever again, Roy? I mean, it’s stupid how close I came this week from predicting 14 correct games, and thanks to you this dream was shattered into a thousand shards. If I can’t trust the predictions of a wide receiver that has done jack shit in his NFL career, whom can I trust? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at you the same way after this game, Roy. I’m sorry, but once you take advantage of my trusting nature, I’m worse than a bride who was jilted at the altar. You’re going to have to earn my respect after your boldface lying about how the Lions were going to come out of Week 2 with a 1-1 record, but sadly I don’t think you’ll be able to do that for quite some time. I want you to remember this moment, Roy. Remember how you let down the dozens of people who took your so-called ironclad lock of win. Remember your team’s inability to perform on the field. Remember this moment, Roy, as when you hit rock bottom. That is until you strap up those pads for next week’s game and the cycle of futility begins again.
Houston at Indianapolis. Correct.
This isn’t really fair. I hope for the Texans’ sake they are able to play better against mediocre opponents.
New Orleans at Green Bay. Correct.
New Orleans is 2-0 against bad teams. I guess that’s better than being 1-1 or 0-2. I can’t wait until they start playing some good teams so we can squash all the talk about the Saints being a playoff contender.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia. Wrong.
Son of a bitch. I watched the first half of this game and was impressed with the Eagles play, and then they go and piss it all away in the fourth quarter. On top of that, Emily Manning and Plaxico Burress showed some stones and pulled out the victory. Having seen Plex play in Shittsburgh, I always felt he had talent. However, there is a moment that will I will forever remember him by. After the Steelers lost to the Patriots in the AFC Conference Championship in 2004-2005 season, while Burress was complaining in the locker room about not getting the ball enough (despite him dropping a touchdown-scoring pass), fellow receiver Hines Ward was crying and promising a trip to the Super Bowl next year. Now which player do you think the Steeler fans supported and which player do you think they wanted to see head out of town?
Oakland at Baltimore. Wrong.
Man, not only is Oakland bad, they can’t even score those meaningless end-of-game touchdowns while the other team is just sitting back and letting the clock run down.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta. Wrong.
Is Atlanta really that improved from last y ear, or did Tampa Bay really drop off that much from 2005?
Arizona at Seattle. Correct.
Seattle and the NFC West is like Indianapolis and the AFC South. These divisional victories should count as half-wins or something.
St. Louis at San Francisco. Wrong.
I have no idea about the Rams. I was hoping they would build off their home win last week, but I was wrong on this one. I will manage to get some sleep tonight. I’m not sure how, but I will.
Kansas City at Denver. Wrong.
Denver won. Yippie. They didn’t win by double-digits. Shit.
New England at N.Y. Jets. Wrong.
I watched this game on television, and it’s amazing how the Patriots were able to move on the Jets even with no receivers. Also, those two touchdown catches by the New York receivers were fun to watch, and it even gave me hope that this could be the AFC’s version of the Giants/Eagles game from earlier in the day. Of course I was hoping for the Jets to pull within 6 points; I didn’t care if they won this game or not.
Tennessee at San Diego. Correct.
I asked what would be the larger number – the Chargers final score or Philip Rivers’ pass attempts. Score: 40. Pass Attempts: 35.
Washington at Dallas. Wrong.
I was wrong on this one because I though the game would be closer. Now we get to see the sports media over-hype Terrell Owens’ finger injury and ponder time and time again if he will or will not play in Philadelphia a few weeks from now. Goodie.
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville. Correct.
Now I get to hear the tales of woe from the local sports idiots in my neck of the woods. The Steelers played a team that is like them in many ways. The Steelers played a team that was 12-4 last year. The Steelers played a team that beat them at home in the regular season last year. This defeat shouldn’t have been a surprise. One thing I took note of was the ESPN announcers talk regarding Byron Leftwich and his self-described inability to run, especially considering his race and the position he plays.
I never saw Byron Leftwich as a black quarterback, ever … ever…
Is it OK for me to play quarterback, even though I have trouble scrambling out of the pocket?
Overall Score: 8-8. Cumulative Score: 17-15. Hooray for mediocrity.
• So it was late Saturday night and I was flipping through channels looking for something worthwhile to watch. I then stumbled across this “Black.White.” show on FX. Now I had seen previews for this thing, and it was about this black family who got painted white and this white family who got painted black. I guess the purpose of this stupid idea was for each family to walk a mile (or a month) in the other family's shoes and learn about racial harmony and all that other gay stuff. I had no intention of watching this shit, but you'll take what you can get when it’s late at night and you don’t feel like moving from the couch.
Holy fuck is this an awful show.
I watched the season finale, and thank God I skipped to the end of this stupid show. Although I was off in my over/under prediction on how long it would be before one of the white people were branded a RACIST by one of the the ni—, err, someone from the African-American family (I had my money on the second half of the show; the father got hit with the “R” word in the first half hour), there was still plenty of insanity to keep me entertained. One highlight for me was the 17-year old white chick that was in tears because the people in her urban poetry class (or whatever those stupid groups are call who try to sound like Digable Planets) were tearing apart her poems. I could comment more about the goofy white mom who was trying to understand why the troubled black youth from the other family was anti-social, but I have to get to the best part of this show.
I mentioned the black family had a teen-age son. I guess he’s running afoul of the law or something. Now I don’t know exactly what went on in previous episodes, nor do I care to find out, but this kid’s parents were worried that he was going down the wrong path. So what did they do? The took him to the Museum of Tolerance.
The Museum of Tolerance.
The Museum of Mother Fucking Tolerance.
For the South Park fans out there who remember Lemiwinks and Mr. Slave fist appearance, yes, there is such a thing as the Museum of Tolerance. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself. I will never brush aside anything Trey Parker Matt and Stone ever put into their shows again. I’m now convinced that my idiot boss is a crab person.
Anyway, if you ever stumble across this “Black.White.” show, do yourself a favor and just watch the season finale so you can witness for yourself the Museum of Tolerance. And if you should ever pay a visit to the Museum of Tolerance, find out for me if they have a smoking section.
• Speaking of tolerance, a while back I goofed on my pals from across the Pond because a British theme park was going to have a “Muslim Day.” I laughed too soon. My favorite parts from this article:
Great, so now we have to chalk up waiting in long lines for a roller coaster ride as one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male. In addition, how can "the cries of Allahu Akbar would be heard everywhere" when there are no infidels allowed in the park during the Great Muslim Adventure Day?
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This Mexican chick calls and says that she is divorced with two kids – ages 6 and 4. She then said that she’s been divorced for 4 years. When the host asks why was she knocked up at the same time she was splitting up with the ex, the caller responds, “Because his parents told him to leave me.” She then complains that he never visits his kids and when the subject of her moving back to her parents' house is brought up, the caller says she can never go back because her two kids (ages 6 and 4) told her that they want to have their own place.
Runner-up: This 13-year old boy called and said that he has this girl “friend” that is overweight and has no self-esteem. All the boys in school like this girl’s mom who “parties and gets down” with this kid’s friends at her house and at various school functions.
• So Bill Clinton said a few words at Ann Richards’ funeral, and afterward Richards’ daughter thanked him for, and I quote, "all the great times that you shared with our mom." Sigh. Anyway, here’s something to ponder: if Ann would have just defeated W. in that governor’s race so many moons ago, just imagine what the world might be like today. And I’m sure you commies out there reading this are probably having different thoughts than me right now. You’re probably thinking about unnecessary wars and record deficits. I’m thinking about Al Gore being in a second term with Hitlery getting primed (more so than she is now) to take over the White House in ’08. One person’s heaven is another person’s hell, I guess.
• I know dick about college football, but these last two weeks have been great. First it was Penn State getting crushed by Notre Dame a week ago, and now today Michigan manhandled the Irish by a score of 47-21. Woo-hoo. Two teams I hate. Two weeks with one of them getting a beat down. But hey, the Nittany Lions sure showed those Youngstown State Penguins today, beating them 37-3.
• Some guy named Michael Kuhnhausen hired a hit man (allegedly, of course) that attacked his estranged wife with a claw hammer as she entered her house. The woman then strangled to death her attacker. But wait, it gets better. Inside a backpack the hit man had with him was a day planner that had the entry, “Call Mike, Get letter.” If you’re going to get someone to off your wife, I think it would be in your best interests to look for someone who didn’t clean up spooge at the porn shop you are employed at.
• So the FDA doesn’t want me to eat spinach because it could possibly contain E. coli -- now do you hippies understand my reasoning behind my “All authority must be questioned” response Political Compass question? Sometimes Big Brother really does know what’s good for you.
• Artic seals are now being found in North Carolina. Maybe those global-warming people have a point. Then again, wouldn't that mean the water is getting colder? Or is that because the ice caps are melting, making the oceans chillier? Ah hell, I've lost track what is and isn't a result of global warming.
• There seems to be a brouhaha going on in Europe about models that are “too thin.” First there was a stink at some stupid Madrid fashion show, and now Britain is getting in on the action. I never understood people in the fashion industry find 80-pound women walking up and down some runway to be appealing to the eyes. Watching chicks that make Laura Flynn Boyle look like Rosie O’ Donnell doesn’t make me want to buy the latest fashions from Paris. Then again, most of these fashion designers are queer anyway, so it’s not like they know what constitutes a good-looking woman. Give me a regular-sized, normal-looking chick wearing jeans and a t-shirt with some sports logo on the front over some string bean with tits smaller than my knuckles wearing a backless outfit that’s exposing her ribs to anyone unlucky enough to pass her by.
And speaking of Ms. Boyle, I found this tidbit from Wikipedia:
Guess Laura wasn't thin enough.
• The other day this lady from Comcast called and asked if I would like to take part in a survey. Normally I don’t pick up the phone when it comes to telemarketers, and I hang up on them without a second thought if one manages to slip past my Caller I.D. However, I have a soft spot in my heart for these survey people. First off, they’re not trying to sell me anything. Secondly, if I give them my input chances are the company they work for might cater more to my interests. Thirdly, I used to work as one of these phone survey people. Granted my time of employment at this profession was just seven hours, but it was seven hours nevertheless. When I moved to Sappy Valley in early 1999, I needed a job right away to pay the rent. I saw an ad for phone interviewers, and I figured this would be an easy way to earn a few dollars, especially since the ad mentioned the people we were to be interviewing had already agreed to take part. Of course I was outright lied to in the interview when I asked, still a bit wary about the “arranged interviews” part of that classified, if there would be any cold calling. I was told “no,” but when I sat down by my phone I was given a sheet of names and numbers. No cold-calling my ass. I gave it a go, but after my first day’s six-hour shift and one hour into my second day of work I had enough and left. There were pre-arranged interviews that some people were doing, but most of us were doing this cold-calling shit. It was then that I realized many people (or to put it more precisely, two out of every hundred) don’t like taking phone surveys.
When this Comcast lady called, I asked her right away how long this was going to take. I added that I didn’t really care; I just wanted an idea of how long I’d be on the phone. This question, at least in my personal experience, usually results in a customer hang-up, and I could tell this lady was hesitant to tell me. After answering some basic multiple-choice questions from the script that she was rushing to get through, we went our separate ways; me to exercise, her to probably get rejected by 49 other people before finding that next person willing to let her know how many times in a month he or she orders premium movies from Comcast’s On Demand service (my answer to this question was, of course, “no,” because I’m a cheap bastard). One thing that took me by surprise though was the question of where do movies first become available after they leave the theater – on DVD for sale, on DVD for rent, on premium channels, or on pay-per-view/On Demand services. I thought movies, for the most part, came out on pay-per-view or on HBO before heading to Best Buy, but I guess I was wrong considering the next question this lady asked went something like, “If recently released movies came out on On Demand before they were made available for sale or renting would you be more/less likely to order it On Demand.” Oh well. Hopefully my responses to this survey will results in Comcast scrapping its pay-per-view services and instead giving all Digital Cable subscribers fresh-from-the-theater box-office features in the “Free Movies” section of On Demand. Then again maybe not.
• No matter who you are, there’s always a bigger dog in the yard.
That show of his is one of those programs where if I’m channel surfing and come across it I’ll watch it for a few minutes before moving on. Sometimes I’ll watch them catch some crackhead, but most of the time after five minutes I’m asking myself, “Why do I have this on?” Another program I treat in a similar fashion is that “Miami Ink” show. It’s about some Florida tattoo shop and we get to see these people get paid for defiling willing patrons. Actually, from the shows I’ve seen, many of the customers have rather touching reasons for wanting various tattoos inked onto them. One person wanted to remember her father. Another wanted a portrait of his son, while a lady got one of her kid who died too soon. I’m sure this store also gets its share of drunks who will wake up the next day wondering how they got a grim reaper holding a can of beer on their shoulder blade, but there’s probably a reason why these ink sessions don’t make it on the air.
While I’m on the subjects of tattoos, I’m rather indifferent to them. If you want to brand yourself, then go for it. As for me, I have marked up my body enough; I don’t need to pay someone to do it for me. There’s that scar I got on my right thigh when I was a kid chasing pigeons just outside the Carnegie Museum. Then I have that marking on my left which reminded me as a pre-teen not to go biking on those sloped curbs. How I didn’t break any bones from that incident is beyond me.
Speaking of breaking bones, I’ve been pretty lucky in this regard, too. The only time my idiotic behavior resulted in a cast or splint when I tried to slide uphill into a coiled-up garden hose that was acting as first base in a backyard baseball game. Not only did I dislocate my right middle and ring finger knuckles, but I was also called out. To make matters worse, a day or so later I was playing some Capture the Flag-like game late at night and unknowingly hid in a patch of poison ivy. That was not a fun summer vacation, especially since all this happened just one week before my junior year of high school. But if this is the worst I have done to my body when it came to doing stupid shit as a kid, then I consider myself extremely fortunate.
• This story caught my attention because I was born on the year he escaped and began living his second life. Yeah he had a real "mental" condition. That's why he was able to evade the law for three decades. Fuck him. And what is up with stabbing someone to death in 1964 and then being eligible for parole in 1980? Yet another reason you need to off anyone trying to harm you or someone you care about – you sure as fuck aren’t going to get any assistance from the State in this matter.
• I just found an update on the Dog situation. I guess I could joke about how Mr. Dog jumped bail, but what really got the big LOL was the bolded part of the article below. It’s nice to know that the Mexican government cares about at least of their own crossing the U.S. border. Now how about you guys doing something about the million-plus other people from your shit hole of a country that do the same thing every year? Oh well, at least the Dog family has some fresh material for sweeps.
• If you don’t know what I’m doing, go read Sunday's entry. These predictions were made before the Sunday games, and I’m not going to change them based on opening weekend results.
Holy divisional matchups, Batman. Indianapolis at Jacksonville, New England at Miami, Philadelphia at Washington and Denver at San Diego. There’s also Atlanta at Tampa Bay, Baltimore at Kansas City and New York at Carolina. As much as I want to see Emily Manning crushed again by Carolina, Indianapolis at Jacksonville always seems to produce a good contest.
This is like Week 14, only in reverse. Shittsburgh at Carolina looks to be a safe bet, and Kansas City at San Diego could have playoff implications. However, I’m afraid that Philadelphia at New York might get the green light due to media market reasons. Fuck that. I’m going with Kansas City at San Diego because of my East Coast bias.
Baltimore at Shittsburgh usually produces a physical game. If Atlanta can somehow be in the playoff picture, their match with Carolina could be interesting. New England at Jacksonville would be a repeat of last year’s Wild Card game. Cincinnati at Denver and San Diego at Seattle look are my finalists. I’ll go with Cincinnati at Denver.
This will be tricky. Some good teams could be resting starters and some so-so teams will be in the fight for their playoff lives. Jacksonville at Kansas City, Miami at Indianapolis, Shittsburgh at Cincinnati stand out the most for me this week. Gotta go divisional once again: Shittsburgh at Cincinnati.
• Speaking of predictions, let's see how well I fared with my Week 1 picks.
Miami at Shittsburgh. Wrong.
I love how after the Steelers fumbled near the goal line after a nine-minute, 16-play drive they then responded with an 80+ yard touchdown pass on the first play of their next possession.
Atlanta at Carolina. Correct.
Good thing I wasn't sure with which divisional foe has Vick's number.
Baltimore at Tampa Bay. Wrong
I'm going to pretend this game never happened.
Buffalo at New England. Wrong.
The Pats won, but didn't cover.
Cincinnati at Kansas City. Wrong.
This one hurt almost as much as that Trent Green hit. And while I'm on this subject, I wonder if all the Cincinnati fans who bitched about the "dirty" hit on Carson Palmer last year in the playoffs will say anything about the cheap shot given to the Chiefs quarterback.
Denver at St. Louis. Wrong.
Great job by new Rams defensive coordinator Jim Haslet.
New Orleans at Cleveland. Correct.
Let the Bush blow jobs begin.
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee. Correct.
Was there any doubt?
Philadelphia at Houston. Correct.
I wonder who ESPN will suck off more this year? Reggie Bush or Donovan McNabb?
Seattle at Detroit. Wrong.
Wow. I don't now if Detroit played tough or if Seattle just continued sucking at Ford Field.
Chicago at Green Bay. Correct.
I said that I was smelling upset, but the only things "upset" were Packer fans. Good thing I try not to follow my nose.
Dallas at Jacksonville. Wrong.
Good game. Bad pick.
San Francisco at Arizona. Correct.
That late 49er field goal made quite an impact on this week's pick 'em contest.
Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants. Correct.
I don't know where I saw the Mannings more -- on the field or in the commercials.
Minnesota at Washington. Correct.
One of the few upset picks I got right.
San Diego at Oakland. Correct.
My favorite "Black Hole" fan is the guy in the Vader outfit. If I paid to watch my favorite team put up this big a stinker, I'd wear a mask, too.
Overall score: 9-7. I guess this would get me into the playoffs some years.
Today is a somber occasion for the New York/New England area. Thanks to some events beyond the control of many Northeasterners, this brave group of folks must join together today to cope with and possibly overcome the day’s tragic events.
But enough of talking about the New England Patriots trading wide receiver Deion Branch to the Seattle Seahawks for a 2007 draft pick.
Today marks the five-year anniversary of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Now it would be convenient for me to say how this event affected my worldview, but it really did not. On this day five years ago I woke up at around 10-10:30 a.m., ate breakfast, did a few odds and ends around my Middletown, Ohio, townhouse, and then went to peruse on-line job listings, among a few other Internet-related Web sites that unemployed men frequent with when they’re home alone (ain’t nothing like playing on-line backgammon in your underwear). As I turned on the radio to listen to Rush, I knew something was not right; a newscast was being aired, and it was well past the top-of-the-hour news update. For several minutes I didn’t know what was going on and was impatiently waiting for either Drudge’s Web site (I still had dialup at the time) or the radio news to tell me that a couple of airplanes had crashed into the World Trade Center. When I finally heard what happened, I didn’t gasp, cry or feel like we were in a state of WWIII. Even when I had the television news on later that day and saw those politicians in D.C. break out into song, I rolled my eyes over how phony this “spontaneous” moment seemed. (I can’t remember what they were singing – either “God Bless America” or “America the Beautiful.”) I guess all this makes me a terrorist. I wasn’t cheering for more American deaths, but I didn’t have a life-changing moment during this day. Oh well, at least I wasn’t laughing at people jumping from the Twin Towers.
The odd thing about 9/11 is that while it didn’t really affect me all that much, it was the exact opposite for the better half. Ever since we met in 1997, we were polar opposites when it came to current events. I was the cynical newsy curmudgeon who was hooting and hollering on Election Night as Bush stole won his first presidential term -- OMGSELECTEDNOTELECTEDLOL2000! She was the one who would take charge of the remote control when I would step away for a moment and turn to the Cartoon Network so she could watch “Angry Beavers,” or that stupid “Rocco’s Modern Life.” We didn’t talk politics and she didn’t vote. She didn’t mind Bill Clinton as president, but she knew nothing about him other than he got a hummer from some intern in the Oval Office. When 9/11 hit, it changed her outlook on life. She didn’t break down and start wailing like someone being “saved” at a Baptist church, but I could tell there was some uneasiness (well, more so than usual – you’d be the same if you had to live with me in sin). Yes, she was one of those people who went out and bought an American flag days after this terrorist attack. In fact, the flag she bought was so damn big it was too heavy for its holder and couldn’t stand upright on our front steps. She also bought one of those car ribbon-sticker things that came out en masse shortly thereafter, which is still on her car today in all of its faded glory. In addition, she began paying attention to current events; it was weird to have her come home from classes and start asking me what I thought about a specific news story of the day.
Because five years have jaded me even more than I was back in 2001, I’m going to go back into the arkkkives and see what I wrote about this event shortly after it happened. From September 18, 2001:
If the 9/11 terrorist attacks made you re-think your life and what was really important to you, then cool. If it made you into a better person (or at least a “better person” by your definition), then rock on. However, if you were on the sideline wondering why you weren't feeling the same wave of “patriotism” because you didn’t buy a flag the day after 9/11, or if you skipped some “freedom rally” held a week or so after these attacks, don’t worry: you weren’t alone. For some of us, it takes a really unbelievable event to occur in order for our faith to be tested, like, say, the Pirates winning the World Series.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 56: Canadian Guitarist
A returning participant in my pick ‘em contest, he’s hoping to challenge C Dubya 04 and Vern Gagne for the NFC West Division title this year. Other than that I don’t know much about him. I do know that he works at Wal-Mart, and because he’s a self-professed hippie I can’t imagine he takes much joy in helping his employer take over the world. At least he checks out more than just the low-priced merchandise made in China while on the clock, and it doesn't matter what side of the register his chick of the day is standing at. Unfortunately he also thinks of other TSM posters while having sex, but hey, I don't care what he does to get his jollies as long as he submits his picks on time.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• It appears some big bad Democrats are getting their panties in a knot over this ABC "9/11" movie, or whatever the hell it’s going to be called. “Waaaah. It’s not fair. There’s stuff in this special that wasn’t true.” I’m surprised that former National Security Advisor Sandy Burglar didn’t just swipe the video of this production, stuff it down his pants and walk out of the editing room. Actually, I don’t really care about this “9/11” movie, and I’m not going to watch it. I wonder if the same people bitching about this special also had the same passion about that hippie “The Reagans” movie made a few years ago? I thought that abortion would have made for a great sitcom. You could have started this program in the same way as the “Dick Van Dyke” show where Mr. Van Dyke walks into his living room, only to trip over a stool. When Ronnie does the same, he can be shown accidentally pushing on The Button, triggering a nuclear explosion. I can hear the music now.
Daaaaa da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da da
BOOM!
I’d watch that. For about 10 seconds. But that’s better than my usual attention span when it comes to network television.
• Paris Hilton got busted for driving under the influence (allegedly, of course). Outside of her driving while drunk, I don’t see the big deal. Considering her body weight, I’m sure it doesn’t take much to get her tipsy. Hell, it’s not like she’s all that rational when she’s sober to begin with. I think you’re a shithead if you drive while drunk, but if you don’t injure anybody other than yourself then I won't wish death upon you.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This chick had been in a relationship with this guy for 20+ months. The guy couldn’t find steady work in California and thus moved back to him hometown in Colorado where he got a job with his cousin. The caller said she is trying to “make this work” but just gets laughed at by the boyfriend. I’m not sure if she actually asked a question, but I did hear her cry on one occasion during this call.
Runner up: This guy lived with this chick for three years, and she popped out a kid. They split up and he has said that ever since then she has gone downhill. And I quote: “She lost her job, she lost her car, she lost her Section 8 Housing…” I didn’t hear what he said next because I was laughing too loud to hear.
• As if I don't have enough retarded features, here's one more: My NFL Pickkks of the Week. What I will do is predict which NFL teams will win or cover the spread this week. I'll be using the same spreads as I use for my kkk Bowl contest; the spreads are posted early in the week, so some games (like the Dolphins/Steelers) may seem a bit off. Too bad. I need all the help I can get. All my picks take about five seconds to determine and my commentary under each game is my first thought upon seeing each match-up and the point spread given for that game.
Miami at Shittsburgh (3.5)
I'm not buying Miami being a Super Bowl contender just yet (the season hasn't even started yet), but with Big Ben out and a number of Steelers with nagging injuries I'm taking the Dolphins.
Atlanta at Carolina (5.5)
Is Carolina one of those teams that plays well against Vick, or was that Tampa Bay (or both)? Shit. Just in case I'll side with Atlanta.
Baltimore at Tampa Bay (3.5)
It'll take a week or two for McNair to get adjusted to being a Raven.
Buffalo at New England (8.5)
High point spread, and will New England experience a drop-off this year? It's Week 1 so I'll go with the Pats offense over the Bills defense.
Cincinnati at Kansas City (3.5)
Two good offenses. The Bengals have a linebacker suspended for the first few games, so I'll give the ball the the Chiefs running game, which will be a better defense against Carson Palmer then the Kansas City starting eleven on that particular side of the ball.
(3.5) Denver at St. Louis
The AFC West is tough enough. Denver needs to relish out-of-division games against last year's non-playoff teams.
New Orleans at Cleveland (3.5)
Reggie Bush will make a big run or two and Chris Berman will spooge all over his notes.
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee (3.5)
I have no idea about this one.
(4.5) Philadelphia at Houston
I'm pulling for Houston in this one, but McNabb will make a big throw or two and Tom Jackson will spooge all over his notes.
(6.5) Seattle at Detroit
Seattle is going to take its Super Bowl loss out on the Lions. Poor kitties.
(3.5) Chicago at Green Bay
For some reason I'm smelling upset, but I've also been smelling how Favre has been playing for the last year or two.
Dallas at Jacksonville (2.5)
This is going to be a fun game. I'm taking Dallas just because of the points. If the Cowboys lose then ESPN's jihad on T.O. will reach epidemic proportions.
San Francisco at Arizona (7.5)
I think the Cards will win, but not by a touchdown.
(3.5) Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants
MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS! MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS!! OMG IT'S THE MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS!!! Just when will they play against each other -- on special teams? I'm hoping Payton gets the best of his little sister.
Minnesota at Washington (4.5)
I'm sensing upset here.
(3.5) San Diego at Oakland
If Rivers plays bad against the Raiders, then the Bolts are in a world of trouble.
• Sure the Pirates suck, but there’s a silver lining around this dark cloud that has been above Shittsburgh for the past dozen-plus years. The Pirates are no longer in last place in the N.L. Central. And just who is currently occupying this division’s cellar? Why, it’s Racist Dusty and pals. If there’s one team or person out there that I want to see fail more than the Pirates, it’s Racist Dusty followed closely by Barry Bonds. Let’s go Bucs!
• This past weekend I was channel surfing and came across this special on a certain cable news network that makes all of us LOL in 2006. This hour-long program dealt with the cost of higher education and how much of a rip-off it is. During this broadcast we got to follow these middle-class parents who earned $125k/year and couldn’t afford to put their two daughters through college. Now this might have gotten a smidgen of sympathy from me had I heard that these kids also had jobs (they might have; I didn’t watch the entire special, but all signs pointed to “no” on this one), and when the father, who worked several jobs to try and pay for his daughters’ education, mentioned the prospect of his girls going to community college, he was greeted with laughter by his brats. While watching this family was aggravating enough, this special also highlighted the woes of some chick that burned through more than $100,000 in a quest for a Special Education Degree. When she got out of college she owed more than $80,000, and when asked how she was coping with this debt she talked about how all her friends buy retail-priced clothing while she has to look through a store’s BARGAIN RACK. She then began to cry.
• Yesterday featured the premiere of Katie Couric on the cBS Evening News. Don’t care. I don’t follow broadcast news, so why should I treat Katie any differently? I will defend her in one area though: I don’t remember NBC’s Brian Williams, ABC’s Charles Gibson or cBS’s Bob Schieffer being criticized for how they looked or what they wore.
• Oh man Allah’s going to be pissed:
Look at this head -- it's not even a real one chopped off from an unholy Westerner's neck.
• And there are those in the media who wonder why so many people hate them. Steve Irwin’s kids have just lost their father to a freak accident. One kid is eight-years old, the other one is two. Can we please refrain from headlines like "Kids of 'Crocodile Hunter' May Follow in His Footsteps" until these kids are old enough to, oh I don't know, be of legal age to work?
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This woman’s 18-year old daughter has had a continuous drug problem and wants to know if it would be a good idea if she should unknowingly sign up her daughter to take part in some nationally televised intervention program. What was the reason for the caller to take such drastic steps? Because three previous interventions with this kid have already failed.
• Steve Irwin has just died thanks to a stingray putting a barb through his chest. I always liked the Crocodile Hunter program, even though half the time the show was about a dozen guys lying down on a reptile as if it were a drunk hot chick at Mardi Gras. Too bad this attack didn’t happen to Jeff Corwin; last night I was watching some retarded “HUGE MONSTERS” show with him pretending dinosaurs or some other large extinct animals were chasing him. Christ was this show awful. I kept watching this piece of shit just for the sheer awfulness of it all.
• Speaking of trash, I saw one of Morgan Spurlock’s hippie “30 Days” episodes tonight. I wish Morgan would spend 30 days provoking stingrays in their natural habitat. OMG spending 30 days in jail sucks. No fucking shit, genius. That’s why you don’t BREAK THE LAW. I love it when some guilt-ridden do-gooder tries to tug at your heartstrings by producing something like this “30 Days” show and you end up spending 90 percent of the program either laughing out loud or saying, “And what exactly am I supposed to be feeling bad about, douche bag?”
• I don’t care about tennis, but God I loved how every ESPN pundit I paid attention to was predicting Agassi to beat this Becker hippie and go on to face Andy Roddick or other some guy I have never heard of before and will never hear of again. Andre, you had a great career. You made a buttload of cash. You seem to actually care about the human race. This makes you a better person than me. Now go and fuck Steffi Graf a whole bunch of times. Just don’t force your kids to play the sport you and your wife succeeded in for all those years.
• Michael Caine isn't happy with today's films. Here’s an excerpt from the article I linked to:
I’m not a Caine-hater or anything like that, but should someone who played a prominent role in…
…be in any kind of position to comment on the awfulness of Hollywood?
• And finally, what the hell is wrong with people?
And here is a picture of this raucous crowd.
Oh well, at least these people can probably point out Pluto on a chart of our solar system. That’s better than those pseudo-hippies who protest child labor conditions in some Asian or South American shoe factory but can’t find the country they’re bitching about on a map.
On Friday I talked about how the better half and I split the maintenance duties for our lawn, among other outdoor activities. I was going to talk about indoor cleaning responsibilities yesterday, but that damn Shittsburgh mayor just had to die from cancer Friday night, and I felt like talking about him instead. I swear one of these days I need to put my priorities in order.
I do most of the cooking and post-meal cleaning, but that’s because if I left washing dishes up to the better half she would use the dishwasher. I have a problem with dishwashers; I don’t know why (although this should provide some insight into my reasoning). I guess one reason is because dishwashers cross my laziness tolerance line. Nevertheless, most of the kitchen duties are mine, unless Mrs. kkk wants to bake cupcakes or something for a church event or some other get-together. I should note that my culinary skills don’t require much more than nuking veggies, cooking some meat in a skillet or putting something in the oven, so it’s not like I’m slaving away for several hours at some elaborate dish.
In regards to house cleaning, we have a weird system. Every few months the house will get cleaned, and most of the time it’s mostly done by just one of us. On Friday she cleaned most of the house while I was at work. However, the previous cleaning, which took place in early July, I spent an afternoon and evening running the vacuum cleaner and spraying chemicals all over the house. The last time we had a joint effort in cleaning up the house was this year’s Memorial Day weekend. Laundry duties are mostly separate because I don’t like running my clothes through the dryer at medium/high heat while Mrs. kkk does. However, if I’m washing my clothes and the better half’s hamper is full, then I’ll do a separate load or two with her stuff. I must say though that I completely stay away from washing the bedding; that’s all her.
So there you have it. Our “ying-yang” system has worked for seven-plus years now ever since we began living in sin. Funny enough, even though Jesus freaks and moralists decry couples cohabitating, I really don’t have a problem with it. If the couple is serious about their relationship, then I think they should see what living together and splitting household duties is like. Getting married is hectic enough, what with all the ceremony and reception planning (not to mention trying to pay this expensive date off afterward, but that’s another story for another time). Fighting over whose turn is it to take out the trash won’t help matters much to a newlywed couple when the honeymoon ends and real life begins (for the record, I’m the trash hauler). I also apply this “tryout” rule when it comes to child rearing. Before popping out a few demon seeds, how about adopting a dog or kitty (or two) from your local animal adoption agency and seeing what it’s like to be responsible for a life form that’s not as high-maintenance as a newborn baby?
Late last night I learned that Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O’Connor had passed away after a brief bout with a rare form of cancer that attacks the brain and spinal cord. He was 61 years old. I knew he was going to succumb to this sudden diagnosis, especially when the hospital he was at stopped providing updates to the media a few days ago. When it was announced Friday night that the mayor had died, it left a pit in my stomach that’s still there this morning. I don’t know the man, nor have I ever met him, but I’ve followed his public service career for years and always thought of him as a person of integrity. I may not have agreed with him on a number of issues, but many times in local politics you throw away party affiliation and support the better man (or woman, depending on the situation).
I think the saddest part of this story is that for years this guy had tried to be mayor, only losing in the Democrat primary each time to the incumbent Tom Murphy. In fact, during the 2001 mayoral election there were allegations that Murphy had some illegal backroom deal with the city’s firefighter’s union where he would give them a sweetheart contract if they would support his candidacy over O’Connor. Murphy ended up winning that election by just 699 votes. (Like I said before, it was a primary, but in this town the “general election” takes place in the Democrat primary.)
Whenever Murphy announced he would not seek another term in 2005, it was all but a formality that O’Connor would become the city’s next mayor. There were “elections” and “campaigns,” but everyone with half a brain knew Bob would end up winning. Even when he was on the campaign trail, it seemed that O’Connor was talking more about what he was going to do once elected rather than asking if he could have your vote so he could be elected. When O’Connor finally took the helm in January of 2006 he tried as much as he could to show he wasn’t going to squander the opportunity to head the city he loved. There were two early examples of his leadership in action. The first was successfully planning a post-Super Bowl downtown parade for the Steelers. Even though more than a 250,000 people came downtown to congratulate the Super Bowl champs, O’Connor and his administration made sure the event ran without a hitch, and from the reviews people gave afterwards, it appeared that O’Connor and his staff was for real. The second incident came in wake of a sniper scare. (I commented on this incident back in January.) At first there was concern of a person atop a building with a rifle looking for people to shoot, but in the end it turned out that it was just a maintenance worker hunting pigeons. However, the way the city police/fire/medical services handled this event during those hours when they didn’t know what they were up against showed to many in the area that this town was being managed differently than it had been in previous years. And O’Connor was out in the middle of the action overseeing this operation. One could say he was just being pomp, seeing that his first term was just under way, but if you heard him you could tell he wasn’t trying to be out in the limelight. He wanted to show the city, and the surrounding counties, that the buck was stopping with him. And it showed.
It’s a shame O’Connor didn’t win the Democrat primary back in ’01. If he had, Pittsburgh might be in better financial shape today. Sadly, we here in the southwestern Pennsylvania area will never get to know what O’Connor would have been fully capable of as mayor. RIP.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 57: El Santiaco
I know El mostly for his insight on movies and other entertainment-related material. Although I didn't care much for Donnie Darko, (the best part of the film for me was the line "I'm voting Dukakis"), he also likes Knight Rider and Hellboy in all of their check-your-brain-at-the-door goodness. In addition, we both agree that the best zombie is a slow-moving zombie. Speaking of zombie movies, I still don't get all the love for Shaun of the Dead. I bought it (on sale, of course) and laughed at a few parts, but that was about it. I guess you really have to be into the zombie genre in order to fully appreciate this movie. (I'm sure the same could be said about me and my love for "Don't be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood.")
• If you read yesterday’s entry, you probably caught the babble Psycho Princess and nl-asshole spewed out in regards to Mrs. kkk mowing the lawn instead of me performing this tedious chore. The shock. The horror. The outrage. This got me the thinking about other around-the-house duties the better half and I perform and who does what in this union of wedded bliss. Fifty-plus years ago the husband in a marriage was supposed to go out and bring home the bacon while the wife would cook, clean and take care of the kids. Fast-forward to 2006; this sort of role-playing is extinct for many households. What does the job arrangement look like at the kkk manor? Let’s take a gander.
When Mrs. kkk and I bought our little slice of the American dream, we came to an agreement that I would mow the lawn while she trimmed the edges of our property with the weed whacker. This way one person wouldn't spend an entire afternoon doing yardwork. The funny thing is for as much as I suck at weed whacking, I think she is even worse. Before she broke the first weed whacker by putting the wrong kind of fuel into its tank, she managed to strike me with that wire shit that actually does the cutting. (I could also mention the time she got pissed off and kicked the weed whacker across the back yard because it wouldn't start. Wait a second, I just did.) Because she probably weed whacks once for every six or seven times I mow the lawn, she’ll surprise me every now and then if she has a day off and feels motivated to romp around outside for a few hours.
There’s something else we agreed upon regarding outside work, and that involved planting flowers and other hippie shit. Basically the rule is I want no part of doing this. I don’t care what she does in regards to planting trees or removing shrubs. All I ask is that she not set fire to the property, hit a gas line, or do something that will require us to file a home owner’s insurance claim. When there’s a sizeable job that needs to be done, she’ll call on me to do the heavy lifting. Well, maybe not heavy. More like medium lifting. Take for example one of her summer’s big projects: removing two dozen cement blocks and several dozen bricks the previous owners had half-buried throughout the front and back yard. What is Mrs. kkk planning to do upon removal of these heavy slabs? I have no idea. All I know is that these blocks were a real bitch to transport. On the bright side at least we didn’t have to worry about hauling them beyond out driveway due to the fact her one boss took them for some project he was working on in his yard; one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Other fun duties we share include raking the leaves that fall from our one backyard tree every autumn season. We also take turns shoveling snow in the wintertime. Why do we take turns with the snow? Because each of us can’t stand the way the other person shovels. I prefer to start in the middle of the drive way and shovel “width-wise” in both directions, stacking snow on each of the driveway’s edges. Mrs. kkk prefers to just shovel in one direction and scoop all the snow off to one side. There are other duties that for one reason or another each of us exclusively performs. If there is a hornet's nest that needs gassed, she takes pleasure in destroying it; however, should there be a dead bird that flew into our back porch’s screen, I am the one who buries the carcass.
Well, that about covers all the work we do in regards the house's exterior. Tomorrow we'll see what each of us does indoors.
• So on Sunday the better half is having some sort of Tupperware party or whatever. I have no clue what the hell is going on, but she’s inviting some people over to buy some crappy houseware items and I’ll be confined to either to top floor or the basement. Whenever Mrs. kkk is expecting visitors she cleans up the house, and this upcoming event is no exception to this habit. To help her with the illusion that we’re not white trash, I decided to mow the lawn in preparation for her big brouhaha. Actually, I mowed the lawn today because the remains of Hurricane Earnesto are scheduled to make an appearance in the Mid-Atlantic region on Friday, and today would be the only time I would probably have in the next week or so to mow the lawn. Besides, I hate cutting the grass on a weekend; it takes away from the whole concept of doing nothing for a few days before going back to work. As I was preparing the lawnmower for another go around the kkk estate, I checked the amount of gas the mower had in the tank. There wasn’t a huge reserve, but I thought there would be enough to last one more mowing session.
I thought wrong.
Sonofabitch. I was about three-quarters finished with my mowing when the lawnmower began to sputter. I knew then that I’d be making a pit stop to the local Quickie Mart because the reserve gas can was empty. Since the better half mowed the lawn last time, she must have used up the last of the petrol. Oh well. I didn’t feel like using a credit card to pay for only two gallons of fuel, so I busted into the change jar and got out $3.50 in change to go along with the $2 cash in my wallet. Now I know what you’re thinking, “OMG he’s one of those ‘pays-with-change’ assholes.” Well, this time I was. However, I have a rule about paying with change. I try to make the transaction as easy as possible for the cashier because I HATED having someone just toss several dollars worth of quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies onto my workstation in order to pay for their purchase. I counted several times the $3.50 amount I had in just quarters, dimes and nickels (no pennies this time) and headed off to the local Quickie Mart.
As I pulled up to the store I stood by the entrance (out of the way of other customers mind you) to sort out this change once again. I put four quarters in one hand, along with ten dimes. I then put two dimes and six nickels on the other side of the quarters. In my other hand I had 20 nickels. I then went into the store and waited my turn. To my surprise there was only one cashier working during afternoon rush hour, but whatever. I approached him and said in a clear voice, “I’d like to prepay $5.50 for pump #3. I’m going to pay with $2 in bills and $3.50 in change.” I then put the four quarters on the counter. I followed it up with the 10 dimes followed by the 20 nickels and then the two dimes and six nickels. I had these coins spaced out so any right-thinking person could tell that I was trying to make the cashier’s job easer by separating the coins by type and in increments of $1 per pile. Hell, I was even telling this kid what I was doing as I was making my piles: “Here’s $1 in quarters, $1 in dimes, $1 in nickels and 50 cents in dimes and nickels.” So what does this asshole do? He takes all of the change, puts it into one big piles and asks, “Did you want to pay for this with exact change?”
Oh for fuck’s sake.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Today’s caller was a 28-year old chick that doesn’t know what to do about her husband. She has been married for eight years and has two kids. Recently she’s had concerns about the way her hubby has been acting, especially when a few days ago he got drunk at 4 p.m. and got verbally abusive with her when she told him they weren’t going to have sex. Oh, and also their one kid had a friend over for a play date at this time, too.
• So yesterday I got this pseudo-magazine in the mail that my local government school district publishes. As I was thumbing through it I got to a section where I was introduced to the new teachers at Norwin High School. Goddamn are these people young; at least three-fourths of them have to be in their low- to mid-20s (I can't remember a non-substitute teacher I had that was in his or her 30s, let alone 20s, during my school days). Most seem to be doing lower-grade subjects, which got me the thinking of a conversation I had with this chick back in Ohio about teacher’s pay.
This chick from my time in Ohio had a degree in elementary education, or something similar, and was looking for a job teaching these little brats. Somehow we got on the subject of teacher’s compensation. Genuinely curious about this subject I asked her if she thought she should be paid the same as a high-school professor. She said yes, and I asked why. She couldn’t give an answer, and when I compared her job of making sure everyone has a blankie for naptime to the 12th grade AP Science prof dealing with chemicals that could blow up the school he or she is teaching in, I could tell by the stare I was receiving that I was getting into trouble. Oh well. Too fucking bad.
• I don’t really care about the following article or the story it tells. I’m just surprised Utah has a Democrat elected to anything.
• This headline made me laugh: Bucs' Sanchez Has Something to Play For. You bet he does – to be good enough to get the hell off this team via a trade or free agency.
• The hell?
You mean to tell me Republicans were around back then? Damn. Oh, speaking of wacky weather, I had Hannity’s radio show on for a few minutes today (Why oh why did Salem Radio get rid of Dave Ramsey?) and he had a caller that said if Bush caused Hurricane Katrina last year, shouldn’t he get some credit for moving Hurricane Ernesto away from Florida? For some reason this made me laugh. I guess Bush’s decision to steer Ernesto away from the Sunshine State was because the hurricane was going to hit some white neighborhoods. Think about that before you go vote in this year’s elections. Should Democrats take control of Congress, W. is going to fuck some shit up for you Seaboard districts with next year’s wave of hurricanes. Hell, I’m sure he also has power over tornados, earthquakes and volcanoes, so even if you live away from a large body of water, be warned.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this ). We have a tie.
Caller A: This woman used to be married to this guy. They already had a few kids (I didn’t hear if they were through adoption or screwing), and then they adopted this girl. Well, it turns out her man was molesting the kid, and eventually he got busted. The happy couple has since split up, and the ex-hubby’s jail sentencing hearing is quickly approaching. This lady was asked by the State to appear and give some testimony as to what a bastard this guy was, but she’s not sure if she wants to do this. The reason? Because it might give her ex a longer sentence.
Caller B: This divorced mom, complete with 14-year old boy, started a relationship with this guy who was also the father of a 16-year old girl. One day the caller walked in on the kids having sex. Her question was how to keep these two kids away from each other.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 58: King PK
He’s a mod that likes fiddling with the folders, much to the chagrin of some posters. He’s also an ass when it comes to NFL teams being in the correct division. But goddamn do I love that Avatar.
• Well it’s been one year since Hurricane Katrina hit and we got to see the Great Society in all of its glory. And while journalists are commemorating the occasion with reflections of how heroic they were during this time last year in their reporting of mass rapes and cannibalism at the Superdome, it’s made me reflect and think of how lucky I am to be living near the Shittsburgh area.
Yeah, you heard me.
It’s hard for hurricanes to move in this far inland, and if Shittsburgh gets slammed, then I’m sure Philadelphia would be taken out first, which is a sacrifice I can deal with (wiping out Harrisburg when the state legislature is in session would be a bonus, too). I don’t think there are any nearby active volcanoes, and although we see a tornado every now and then we aren’t in Tornado Alley. The area doesn't face water shortages like the Desert Southwest, and it’s never too hot or too cold, at least when compared to Alaska and Florida. I guess nothing, not even bad weather, wants to stop by this neck of the woods. In fact, the only disasters I have to deal with around here are Democrats. Sure they may take my house via eminent domain (as probably would most Republicans), but at least I'd get "fair market" value and not be BUTT-fucked by my insurance company should a tornado touch down on my property line.
• So it looks like that guy who claimed to witness JonBenet Ramey’s death probably lied about his involvement with this case. Don’t care. Whenever there is a media storm like this I run for cover by watching DVDs and playing video games until it is safe to turn back on cable news. My only question in this whole fiasco is what the hell is up with those pants?
• This is why I hate it when "children" are mentioned in a story.
Who gives a shit? The man died. Would it have been better if this happened during rehearsal or something when nobody was around? Damn this acrobat. Why did you have to die in front of the CHILDREN?
• If this is indeed true, I’m surprised Amnesty International isn’t all up in a tizzy over this. After all, one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male is have him watch an animation of himself having gay sex with Satan.
• Now this is funny. However I’m a bit suspicious over the authenticity of this bathroom banter.
Bitch you knew your mic was on the whole time. No married woman says such things about her lesser half.
I’ve been on a customer kick as of late, so I might as well keep the trend going. Now normally bitching about stupid customers is what many former customers service representatives remember during their time at these go-nowhere jobs, but that isn’t always the case. I think one problem many customers have is that they always seem afraid to admit when they’re wrong or when they fuck up. One of my favorite customer exchanges came while working at the Quickie Mart. The store had an ATM and one afternoon a middle-aged woman went to use the services of this machine, which was one of those that you only had to swipe your card through rather than insert it into the machine. For some reason I caught the end of her transaction, and once her receipt was spit out she stood there in bewilderment for a few seconds. She then turned around to me and said, “The machine ate my card!” I replied, “No it didn’t.” When she asked, “How do you know?” I answered, “Because it can’t” and pointed to her one hand. It was at that time she looked down and saw that she was holding her ATM card. Now while many customers would probably get pissed off at this point, seeing how the lowly cashier had just “dissed” them, this lady just busted out laughing and did a variation of the “whoosh” gesture with her hand and the top of her head and left. If only more customers were like that. We all do dumb things every now and then, and if you can’t laugh at yourself then you can’t laugh any other people.
On the flip side of this spectrum are the asshole regular customers. There were many at the Quickie Mart, but one that really sticks out was “One and One Man.” This miserable old bastard always came in and would order a small coffee and a newspaper. Since a small coffee and newspaper was something like one dollar and change he would always walk by a register, say “one and one” and toss the money on the counter and proceed to make a fucking mess of sugar and creamer juice by the coffee station. Now all of this was tolerable enough, but one time he pissed me off for what he did to a co-worker of mine. To say that this kid was portly would be an understatement; he was a big boy. However, he was a nice guy, but for some reason customers always gave him shit; probably because of his girth or something equally lame. Well one day One and One Man came up to his register with just a coffee, and this kid asked him, in a polite and courteous way, “Did you already buy your newspaper today?” One and One Man snippily replied, “Did you eat?” which I managed to hear. This pissed me off, and the stare I shot at him from the time he said that until he walked out the door made him aware that I heard what he said. For the next week or two I was a bastard (well, at least more than I usually was) to One and One Man. I didn’t say anything to him, but rather I would just accept his money and return change in the same manner he would behave toward us who worked at the Quickie Mart. One Saturday morning he threw his money at me for his “one and one,” and I proceeded to throw his change right back at him, turn my back and walk away in one swift motion. He then began screaming and my co-worker (a different chick from my 8/28 entry) had to play damage control, which was nothing new considering she was the “good half” to our morning tandem. Of course One and One Man would return and return again, and I don’t think I ever said anything to him. Hopefully he’s dead by now.
• And now for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Some lady phones in and wants to know … actually, I don’t really know the reason for her call. All I was listening to was how she was unemployed and that she never gets along with the upper management at any of her places of employment. The problem, according to her, was the lack of support her bosses gave her when it came time to “back her up” with the employees she was supposed to supervise. You go girl. It sucks having to supervise people you had no part with during their hiring process. And yes, most upper managers are spineless, but that’s why they make the big bucks. However, when asked how many jobs she had worked the caller replied, “Three jobs in four months.” Goddamn, even I’m not that big of an insubordinate.
A while back I was talking about Lottery People and mentioned some of my fun exploits with this breed of customer. In one entry I mentioned how my Quickie-Mart’s management had two sets of rules: one set were rules that were flexible and another set that were rigid. The flexible rules were ones that our district managers would tell us we had to perform, but everyone never did, including our store manager. One such rule was not being allowed to accept anything bill denomination higher than $20. Sometimes when our manager who was one rank above our store manager was on the rag she’d bitch about us having too many $100 bills in our safe, but otherwise we would always accommodate our customers who would pay with a $50 or $100 bill.
Did I say “we”? I meant “everyone but me.” Below are my top three customer experiences with people wanting to pay for $10 worth of gas with a $100 bill, or something close to that nature.
3) I had this guy with some bratty kids come up to my register, and when he opened his wallet he handed me a $100 bill for $20 or so worth of gas. After telling him I couldn’t accept his currency due to store policy he said that he had no other way to pay for his order. I was calling bullshit on this one for two reasons. Reason A: When he opened his wallet I saw several credit cards. Reason B: When he opened his wallet, I noted a number of dollar bills in his wallet that were of acceptable denomination. Now we were told that if a customer couldn’t pay for his or her fuel, we were to take their driver’s license until they returned with payment. Naturally, I told him that if he was unable to pay for his order that I would need his license. He said, “You can look at it, but you’re not going to take it from me.” I responded with something like, “Well if you drive off this lot I am going to call the police and report a gray Buick with the plate numbers *I called them out while writing them down on a slip of paper* just drove off without paying." Surprise. He pulled out a $20 bill and paid for his purchase.
2) This guy came in to pay with a $50 bill and I said that I wasn’t allowed to accept anything over a $20. I then got one of my favorite customer lines. “Well where’s a sign that says this, huh?” I love it when a customer pulls this, because then I get to point out all the signs they missed on their way to the register. I pointed to the two signs at my counter, the two at my co-workers counter, the half-dozen or so that were posted throughout the store, the several that were posted by the entranceway, and the signs posted on EVERY ONE OF MY STORE’S EIGHT PUMPS. The customer wasn’t amused, but I sure as hell was.
1) Some guy tried to pay for his fuel with a $100 bill, which I told him I wasn’t allowed to accept. After he threw a fit for several minutes about how I had to accept this because it was “legal U.S. tender,” I told him that he could go the other cashier standing next to me because she’d probably accept your payment. I, on the other had, wouldn’t because that’s not our store policy and that I had been reprimanded before for accepting a $50 bill. (OK, so this was a lie. Big deal.) Instead of going to the other cashier, who had a deer in headlights look because I had dragged her into this mess, this guy threw a fit for a little while longer and asked for our company’s customer service number. I said it’s posted right outside the entrance door. He then went outside and pulled out his cell phone to call our 1-800 number and complain about me. One problem. He called the local phone number posted out by the door instead of calling the 1-800 number. I picked up our ringing phone and got to hear this guy say how he has been a loyal customer of our company for years and spends A LOT of money with us. He then said that a cashier at one of our stores was refusing him service because he wanted to pay with a $100 bill. You would think this guy would realize that he was talking to the cashier he interacted with just a few minutes ago, but he didn’t (I’m surprised he didn’t pick up on the background noise, like, say, ringing registers and all those other Quickie-Mart noises). I said the cashier was in the right and that they aren’t allowed to accept any bills higher than a $20 because it was a safety issue and that our store’s insurance carrier demands this policy be adhered to. I then added some bullshit about how there are these “mystery shoppers” who try to pay with $50 or $100 bills just to see if the cashier would accept the payment, and that if the cashier would accept these bills they would be fired. He bitched about something or other, hung up, went back into the store and paid for his purchase with a $20.
With these tales you may wonder why I would be such an asshole to customers? Well, 1) I am an asshole. 2) You need to entertain yourself somehow during an eight-hour shift.
