• Well the NFL draft is tomorrow, and if you are looking for a place that will give you all the latest news and insight to this annual event … well, then keep on looking. I like the NFL draft and all, but I’m not glued to the television set for the entire weekend because it’s on. Actually, I have no idea who any of these can't miss mega-star college players are. With that being said, I’ll be sure to tune in several times during the day to see who gets picked where; I might even have it on as background noise depending on what I’m doing around the house. However, I do have one thought about this year’s draft. I’m sure Reggie Bush is a fine athlete and all, but is he really the second coming of Christ? Better yet, is he really what the Houston Texans need at this time? Unless Bush can block with the strength of three linemen, I don’t think he’s going to help out the Texans with their biggest problem since entering the league – pass protection. But then again, if Houston doesn’t draft Bush, and trades down a few spots to let some other team get him and ends up with that offensive lineman that’s supposed to go real early and a few other early-round picks, I’m sure Chris Berman will say mean things about the Texans front office, and we can’t have that.
UPDATE: Uh, oh. I just saw on ESPN that it looks like the Texans are going to take that Williams guy with the first overall pick. Man, I wouldn't want to be Houston's General Manager tomorrow.
• For the last several weeks our one cat Max has had a urinary tract infection. Basically, what this means is that he’s spending half the day in a litter box trying to pee out whatever fluid is inside him. While this can be serious, especially if there is blockage (which he doesn’t have), the vet has said his condition isn’t too bad. At first we had him on some antibiotics, but they didn’t do the job. Now he’s on some stronger stuff, and we’re going to have to change his, and the other two cats’, diet. In other words, we’re going to have to buy some overpriced shit and a water-purifying machine. Now although Max is acting normal (or at as normal as he acts) he’s still making a beeline for the nearest litter box a dozen or so times per day. Last night as I laid in bed, our female cat Dessa hopped up and laid down between the better half and me; she always sleeps with us. Now sometimes Max jumps up on the bed, too, but the problem is Dessa doesn’t take kindly to him or our other cat, JJ. This results in Max usually just laying beside me, away from Dessa. Well, that was the case last night. However, at around 2:30 in the morning I felt this weight upon my upper body and this water on/around my collarbone. Problem was it wasn’t water – Max was peeing on me. Yep. I have no idea why the little bastard decided to relieve himself on top of me, but thank god he hardly had anything in him. Fortunately I woke up when he was finished and he quickly jumped off me; I don’t know what I would have done had I been awake when he decided to start. The good news, if there is any to come from this, is that I think he was aiming for a crevice in the comforter or something and none of the urine got on the bed, although my pillows are going to take a trip to the washing machine tonight (while dealing with this infection a few times he’s tried to pee on towels that were crumpled up on the floor, which has us thinking he didn’t have time to make it to a litter box and needed a makeshift toilet).
I guess it could have been worse. He could have been going number two. Or my mouth could have been open.
• So I was listening to some RIGHT-WING RADIO today, and I heard this gem from Nancy Pelosi, “We have two oil men in the White House … The logical follow up from that is $3/gallon gasoline. It is no accident. It is a cause and effect.” How the fuck did this bitch ever get elected. Oh, yeah. California.
• Swift Terror recently talked about getting some kid to mow his lawn (dude, your yard isn’t that big, you lazy piece of shit), and I would strongly advice against it. When the better half and I moved into our house in July of 2004, the old couple we bought the house from kept it in very good shape. Well, the upstairs bathroom looks like it is a relic from the 1970s, but that’s no big deal; those people had trouble going up stairs and didn't care much about that part of the house. Anyway, one thing they didn’t do anything about for a month or so was their yard, and frankly I don’t blame them. Anyway, when we moved in one of the things we had to get was a lawn mover – we had always rented and never had to deal with cutting grass. Our thinking was instead of buying a mower and weed whacker then having to move it along with our other furniture and belongings, we would just buy these products once everything else gets settled in.
Well, a day or so after everything was moved into the new house, and we were in the process of unpacking, this kid came up to our house and asked if we wanted our lawn mowed. I had to laugh because God only knows what the neighbors thought of our neglectful ways regarding lawn care. I said “oh what the heck,” and agreed to have the kid cut our lawn. After all, it would just be one thing out of the way and I could focus on settling in. The kid came over a day or so later on one of those mowers you drive instead of push. A short time later he was done and I paid him. Then I went outside and took a gander at what he did. Ugh. Uneven patches of grass were everywhere, the edges of the lawn weren’t trimmed and there was no consistent mowing pattern. I appreciate the entrepreneurship of this kid, but damn he did a shitty job. I will say however that something good came out of this – he motivated me to soon thereafter purchase some landscaping equipment of my own.
• A while back I gave my opinion of Talker Magazine's best of RIGHT-WING RADO list and one of the people I didn't (and couldn't) comment on was some guy named Dave Ramsey. Well, since I recently discovered WPIT in Shittsburgh, which carries his show in the afternoons, I now give him my seal of approval. Basically, he's a money-management guy. Nothing too exciting, but after listening to politics and sports discussion all day, this is a nice change of pace; he's like a younger Bruce Williams -- MUCH younger.
Oh, and on Ramsey's show today, he mentioned that 550 WKRC in Cincinnati, which carries his show from 10 p.m. - midnight is having an on-line poll asking who should take over the 9 a.m. - noon timeslot now open since Tony Snow left his radio show for other career opportunities. Even though I no longer live in the southwest Ohio region, I'm sure you all know who I voted for.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 28: Gert T
Along with being kkk Bowl I champ, Gert T shares a common bond with me and hawk34/choken/whoever. Whenever I speak of my time in Middletown, Ohio, he actually knows what I’m talking about. This is not a good thing. Then again, there’s something special about many of the experiences I had in this little southwestern Ohio city, such as this one.
It was an early summer evening and I had some of my cats out on their leashes exploring the front yard. Yes, they had leashes (I still have them, although they haven’t been used in years). Anyway, this black lady is walking down the street and the following conversation takes place.
Her: “You got any cigarettes?”
Me: “No.”
Her: “You got any alcohol?”
Me: “No.”
Her: “You got any weed?”
Me: “No.”
Her: “You no fun.”
Me: *Reels in cats before she tries to sell them for crack.*
She walked down the block and stopped to talk to these two black guys who pulled up next to her in their hooptie. Oh Middletown. What was I talking about again?
3 p.m.
• OK, so I work on the first floor of a three-floor building. A while back the owners of this building (their business is on the second floor) decided to remodel the first-floor bathrooms. It was ladies first, and for several weeks (Or was it more than a month? Who knows, who cares.) all the bitches on my floor had to walk up a floor in order to pinch a load. Trust me, if I were a chick I’d rather walk up and down a flight of stairs to pee than do my business in this men’s room. I always hold my breath when going in this room to pee due to the funk some of my floormates emanate while reading the newspaper when on the shitter. Well, now it’s the guy’s turn to be without a floor potty. Now I’m a man of rules. I recently scolded LessoninMachismo via PM for breaking the express lane’s 20 items or less code of conduct. I punch myself in the shoulder when I forget to put on my turn signal when changing lanes on a somewhat busy multi-lane road. But so far this week I’ve crept into the ladies room in the early morning whenever I have to go number one after drinking my two daily 8 oz. morning beverage – the two women on this floor don’t get in into after 8 a.m., and my early morning urination takes place well over an hour before any of them arrive. Out of consideration, I’ll sit down to do my business because a man’s penis is like a leaky fire hose. God only knows where the pee will fly once it makes its way out. That's why I like urinals. It's like going against a wall. If there's some side squirting, then chances are the porcelain wall will be able to catch it the wayward pee. Anyway, the last few mornings when I’ve snuck in the women's room I have seen that the toilet bowls had urine caked on them. This means one of two things: 1) the two chicks that use this bathroom have some squirting issues, or 2) the other guys who are too lazy to walk up a set of stairs to urinate spray and don’t clean up. Come on guys, if you’re going to use the ladies room, at least show some considerations for those that have no chance but to squat. And who says I’m not looking out for the ladies? Oh, and this crusty waste also means that this building's cleaning staff does jack shit, but I could have told you that already.
12:15 p.m.
• My workplace DSL is being moody today, so at around 11 a.m. I decided to give Dennis Miller's new radio show a listen instead of my usual morning program. Not bad. Not great. But not bad. This will definitely be playing (for as long as it's on the air) as a second option for my RIGHT-WING RADIO late-morning/early afternoon listening pleasure. I can't remember the last time I listened to Glenn Beck -- please note I'm not complaining about this.
8:15 a.m.
• This got a laugh out of me a few days ago. From Boortz's Web site
• So I was listening to Dr. Laura today and she was pimping some book about how feminism sucks or something; I wasn’t really paying attention. However, when she was reading some promo sheet about this chick’s other books I began listening and heard the following:
Like I said before, I really don’t care about this housewife/career woman shit, but the line about the laundry got a hearty laugh, because that is so the truth. At the kkk house, the better half has for years bitched about the way I fold the laundry towels, as if there’s some official way to fold them. Believe it or not, these bitch sessions got quite heated at times; all because I didn’t fold these things horizontally (or was it vertically?) – of course, if I don’t fold them they stay in the laundry basket for weeks at a time because she never gets around to doing them. Even if I knew how to “properly” fold them, I wouldn’t now just for spite.
Another point of contention at our residence deals with yard work. I hate moving the lawn, and for some reason Mrs. kkk thinks all men should revel in bagging weeds and playing with machines able to sever limbs in a flash. Last year, late in the “mowing season” she was bitching at me because I was putting off mowing the yard for a day or two (OK, maybe it was three), and she “threatened” to do it herself. I said “go ahead.” Not even five minutes had passed when she came back in. “I can’t start the lawn mower.” Equal rights my ass.
• What the hell is wrong with California?
There are times when I seriously question the sanity of my co-workers, but after reading stuff like this I realize it could always be worse (but not by much).
• Being part of a drive-by shooting that killed someone and lying about your role to a judge? Six months in jail. Talking about selling weed while serving your time? Eight years. I’m not a real sympathizer to those that get entangled in America’s “War on Drugs” (don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time), but this is too much, even for me.
8:30 p.m.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 29: Spaceman Spiff
He likes to talk about the Miami Dolphins, so it’s only appropriate he is this franchise in the kkk Bowl league, of which he’s a longtime member. He’s yet to make a postseason appearance, but he’s in a division where each of his opponents has made it to a kkk Bowl (Gert T in I, Barron in II and nl-asshole in III; oh man was that a dark day – I contemplated folding the league after that one). With all the parity in the NFL these days, perhaps Season V will be his year. I’ll also give Spiff credit for this: Over at the other place he came out defending the Supreme Communists of the United States and those five red diaper doper babies who said it was OK for the government to take property from private citizen A and give it to private citizen B, all so citizen B can generate more tax revenue for the local government, hence a “greater good” reason for the land-seizing. For Spiff to do this is the equivalent of swimming into the middle of a feeding frenzy and slicing your palms open.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From lovecraft:
From Cancer Marney:
8:30 p.m.
• Bloody hell?
When I heard this earlier this morning I figured it was either a misinterpreted joke or Mirabelli is a big-time hater. I hope Gary Thorne comes out of this OK – I used to love listening to him on ESPN announce NHL games.
3 p.m.
• Well I had a fun sight this morning on the way to work. Rather than take the interstate, the better half and I go through this dilapidated shit hole of a community called Wilkinsburg. It’s rather depressing to drive past all these vacant, boarded-up buildings where small businesses used to be. I’m hoping this ghetto plague doesn’t reach my neck of the woods until long after my current residence is sold twice-over. Thankfully, there’s about 10-15 miles between the outer reaches of Shittsburgh and Westmoreland County. Anyway, while driving through Wilkinsburg, I had the misfortune to be driving behind a big rig. Now granted I don’t like driving 20 mph through a predominately black neighborhood when I’m trying to get to work, but what are you going to do? My line in these kinds of situations is, “if I’m in such a big hurry, then I should have left five minutes earlier; that way I’d be in front of this vehicle rather than behind it.” I also had no choice but to mosey behind this truck for a few miles because this vehicle was taking up both lanes going in my direction. As for speeding up in the other two lanes on the other side of the yellow double-striped strip, that was a no-go. First off, I don’t like to do that. Secondly, there was too much traffic to even attempt such a stunt. After a while, this chick in a white car sped up to me in the other lane when I saw the bigrig put on his right turn signal. OK, now time to give him some space as he makes his turn. Of course, this was when the chick in the other lane began to SPEED UP right as the truck was making it’s turn. Another few seconds and she would have went splat right up against whatever this truck was hauling. Thankfully, she had enough space to allow the truck to complete the turn. No, I’m not thankful she didn’t get into an accident because it would have injured this blonde. I’m thankful because my commute would have been even longer considering I would have been a witness. No, I wouldn’t have left the scene, because that guy driving the truck would have needed someone sticking up for him because I can guarantee this chick would have probably tried to pin the accident on him.
8 a.m.
• Why do I agree with the better half every time she insists on having "Taco/Nacho Night" at our house? I know, because every now and then you get the urge to feel like you're going to throw up the morning after and have fire blow out of your hole on the other end.
Swift Terror was talking about stupid callers to talk-radio shows, and even though there are some gems in the RIGHT-WING RADIO world, the best ones, in my opinion, call in to sports-based shows. Say what you will about Mark Madden back when he was a WCW employee, but his local sports radio talk-show in the Shittsburgh market is entertaining, and the best part of his program is when he opens it up to the callers. Yesterday as I was driving home I heard this genius call in and suggest the following: The Steelers should trade their compensation draft picks, or whatever those things are called that they got for losing some key free agents over the last season or two, and get Matt Leinart. Then, the Steelers could have him on the sideline for a year or two while Ben Roethlisberger played until Matt was ready to take over the job. God I love this town.
I don’t consider myself a sports expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I hate fans that over-analyze everything imaginable when it comes to their favorite team or player. When I was in high school sure I knew the batting average of just about every player in the major leagues, but then I grew up. I don't remember the exact time when I realized that my days of memorizing who was on every NHL’s team checking line was over, but sometime during the 1994-95 NBA season I was watching a game and realized I hardly knew any of the players from either team. From then on I haven’t followed sports as closely as I once did, although I still enjoy watching games; I just don’t know the minor-league history of every player that I’m watching.
This entry is not meant as a diss to the people that still follow sports; whatever you want to do with your free time is fine with me (besides, I don’t want to insult Bored just yet because I want him to do a review of the 1984 battle to see which shortstop had the best fielding percentage in the National League). I just chose to do other constructive things with my time, like play video games and watch movies. In a way, I’m glad we have the Boreds and Al Keipers at this place, because you can get in-depth perspectives of a variety of subjects related to the sports world and not have to spend any of your own time looking at the back of baseball cards. These guys are certainly better to listen to than one kid I knew in high school. After the Pirates lost in the ’92 NLCS, he gave me his opinion of what the Bucs should do if they were to contend for a fourth division title. He said, “You know, if the Pirates went out and got some pitching, like say that Randy Johnson guy, they might be a pretty good team.” He also added, “Also, if they went out and got another good hitter, like Ken Griffey Jr., I think they could get to the playoffs again.” Genius.
8:30 p.m.
• Let's see if Al Keiper is blowing smoke up my rear.
Hmm, wonder what I was doing wrong before. I was doing the "/video" thing. No matter.
Oh Christ. I HATE those beer guys. Shut up already and let me watch the game. The ones at the Reds stadium were annoying as shit.
9 p.m.
• There are "experts" debating over using an ogre as an anti-obese spokesperson? And are there going to be Happy Meals featured in this third Shrek movie? And I'm sure this anti-ogre hate violates some sort of discrimination law.
2:45 p.m.
• So yesterday the better half and I went to a few different stores to pick up stuff. First it was to Petco to pick up Dessa’s birthday free birthday gift. Yes, Petco sent us a coupon good for two free ping pong balls due to her “birthday” being around this time. How they know this I have no idea – my guess is Mrs. kkk sent this information in at some point in time. Actually, Dessa was born in the winter, but we picked her up in April, so I guess “birthday” means when we got her from Paws. But I digress. This was actually a pretty clever marketing ploy. Bring some pet owner in for a free 59-cent rattling plastic ball and hope they buy some overpriced crap. And that’s just what we did.
As we walked in the store, the better half said, “we need to get them new toys.“ Christ. However, this was my lucky day because there were a bunch of things on clearance. We got four scrunchy-type toys (three for ours, one for the in-law’s cat) and this valentine’s day box with several catnip mousse. Total cost: $6. Not too bad, considering if we would have gotten everything at retail price it would have been $25. Yes, $25.
Another place we stopped at was Kohl’s because there was a sale on these storage bag things. There’s a chance you’ve seen them advertised on television. Just put a bunch of stuff in these bag and suck all the air out of it via a vacuum cleaner hose. I spent this afternoon home on a comp day playing with these bags. I like ‘em. Not only have I sucked away a bunch of bathroom towels I don’t like using but keep around because you never know when you’ll need an extra towel or four. I also sucked away a bunch of bed sheets and other similar things. Now our towel closet has about twice as much free space as before. Am I writing a bit too much about this? Probably. But I’m not a hard person to please.
• You know, if I had the funds, I might have purchased these, too.
For as awful as that reality show of hers was, I’m sure these would have been an even bigger trainwreck. I don’t know what’s more pathetic: People who write about the stupid minutia that goes on in their dreary, daily lives, or those that actually waste part of their lives reading this pathetic shit.
…
Fuck.
1 p.m.
• We all know some of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male (just name it, and it'll probably be true), but what about this religion's young-ins? Let the list begin.
• Just heard on the radio that Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell is now bitching about the high gas prices and is calling for a “profit windfall tax.” Ha, you sack of shit. This coming from someone who jacked up the state gas tax a year or so ago. It’s funny that some of the biggest gougers when it comes to gas prices (state and federal government) are calling for an additional tax for when Big Oil makes “too much money.” It’s just like when the government tells us that we’re too fat. Meanwhile, the most obese, out-of-shape person I know is Uncle Sam. Oh, but Rendell is looking out for the little guy -- he's letting them work longer hours when delivering gas. If a Republican governor did this, the unions would have a shit-fit. Can't wait to see what these people say about Fast Eddie.
• Great, so the John Rocker of 2006 is going to be Keith Hernandez for saying "Women don’t belong in the dugout.” Now I didn’t listen to the audio of his comment, so I can’t say if he was joking or not, but if he wasn’t, then shame shame. Now I must disclose that I DESPISE female NFL sideline reporters, and I do have a problem with women reporters being allowed in a male locker room after a game. (If male reporters are allowed to enter women’s locker rooms after a contest, then I will strike my previous “locker room” comment; I don’t follow women’s sports so I don’t really know what their post-game policies are. However, I doubt a bunch of fat, ugly male sports reporters would be allowed access to a female locker room right after a volleyball or soccer match.) But regarding Keith’s response, he was talking about some chick that was her team’s personal trainer, and if she’s a good trainer, then she has every right to be in that dugout. No wonder Elaine Bennis turned him down.
• Well, Barry Bonds just hit his first home run of the season, so it looks like he will pass Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list. Now some fans want Barry’s stats to have an asterisk by them, or some other disclaimer saying he really didn’t “earn” his place in history due to steroid use. Now I’m a Bonds hater, but I don’t think this “qualifying” of his stats should be done. I’m sure the guy roided up, which is a shame because he was a damn good player even before he forehead exponentially, grew. But Major League Baseball did nothing during the “Steroid era” of the 1990s and early ‘00s, so it would by hypocritical to turn back and suddenly go “OMG you guys were CHEATING?!” Whether Bud Selig and pals turned a blind eye to the drug abuse going on during this time because of the revenue being generated during this time, or because they were afraid of the player’s union threatening to take action over any increased drug-testing regulations, don’t try to revise history. Deal with today’s drug use and make sure the game is cleaned up for the future. As for the past, it happened. Big deal.
• For all those in the white-collar work force, it has now become easier to goof off on the Internet. Well at least you can't get fired over it.
So I guess now if you get busted looking at on-line porn, you can say that you are reading the Sports page, which have ads like this littered in this section of many metropolitan newspapers.
• For those that think the name change from TNN to Spike was stupid, here’s one that gives “We Got Pop” (anyone remember that shit?) a run for its money. The Outdoor Life Network is changing its name to Versus. I loved this line.
Yeah, because you can’t think of “NHL” without thinking of “Versus.” If the “u” was changed to another “e” that would make for a pretty cool name for one of the dozen Jesus channels that are part of my cable lineup. Not saying I’d watch one of these stations, but couple a catchy channel name with the Buddy Christ and you might get a few more young people to tune in and watch nuns pray or whatever they hell they do.
7 p.m.
• So here’s a tip for those who get a call from a Maury Povich producer who asks you to appear on the program. DON’T GO.
Seriously, what do you expect will happen? Your wife has a SECRET~! Gee, I wonder what it could be?
“Baby, I’ve been withholding part of my paycheck from you and I’ve been investing it into an IRA.”
“Honey, I’ve been going to night school and now I earned a Ph.D. and can now start my own licensed practice.”
“Sweetie, my office pool won the Powerball.”
“My love, I cheated on you and you might not be Junior’s daddy.”
You know the only thing worse than coming out to the Maury audience amidst a chorus of boos? Coming out to a chorus of cheers. That means you were the one cheated on.
• I wonder if she will win Ben Stein’s money? Sorry. Wait, not I’m not. That was clever. I’m sure someone else beat me to the punch line. Man was that an awesome show. Well, at least when Jimmy Kimmel was the sidekick.
We used only a very small portion of the song? And that makes it OK? Actually, I’m not sure what the fair use rules are regarding documentaries, so the film might win this one. Either way, I don’t care. People in academia are fuck-ups who can’t survive in the real world. People who think God spent a week making the universe are … well, at least many of them vote for the correct candidates.
9 p.m.
• Oh please let the enviro-wackos go over to China and protest that country's use of fuel. (Note the last paragraph.)
And this is why Americans need to adjust their lifestyles. I don't consider myself an enviro-wacko, but I do my best to conserve energy in a number of places. I carpool. I try to make unnecessary shopping trips. The reason for this? I don't care about the rainforest. I'm a cheap bastard and this saves money. I did this when gas was 99 and 9/10s of a cent per gallon. I will do this when gas hits $4+ per gallon this year. My vehicle of choice? An '03 Cavalier. I love watching these political ads with people bitching about gas prices. Say, didn't Democrats say in '06 that if they were elected gas prices would go down? What the dillyo?
8:30 p.m.
• So yesterday I did a bunch of yardwork. Well, maybe not as much as a Mexican is capable of doing, but whatever. Even though I got slightly singed from Mr. Sun, I thought I came out of it all in reasonably good condition. But then I forgot about the ever-dreaded day after. Holy fuck. Every part of my body aches and I feel like total shit. Wow I really must be getting old. Back in my day I was able to do an afternoon’s worth of manual labor and … well, I still felt like this the day after, even during my teen years. Guess I’ve been a lazy bastard all along. Then again, perhaps us crackers aren’t meant for this kind of rough-and-tumble treatment, or at least white people living within their means. Perhaps Racist Dusty was right all along.
• With baseball season recently under way, I’ve been feeling the urge to play MVP ’05 once again. Funny thing is I’m only into mid-May in Year 1 of my franchise mode. Why haven’t I gotten all that far in my 120-year dynasty? Because I’m a sap and I like playing all my minor-league teams. I don’t know why – it’s just more enjoyable to split time with the Lynchburg Hillcats, Altoona Curve, Indianapolis Indians and Pirates. In fact, many times I have more fun playing the minor-league teams. Take yesterday for example. While playing my Single-A Hillcats, who were in the midst of a four-game losing streak, against some team I’ve never heard of before. I was down by a score of 4-1 in the bottom of the ninth. I’ve managed to get on base several times, but I wasn’t able to cash in any of the runners. Then with two outs my star player hit a three-run homer to send the game into extra innings. In the bottom of the 10th I ended it with a walk-off bomb from my centerfielder – his first of the year. Fun times.
• Now the obvious punchline to this one is “Who can miss yours, Rosie?” but you people have come to expect more from me.
I’m sure Rosie can use her “fair share” by issuing some “TP Credits” that will limit the wiping materials of others willing to make the sacrifice for a cleaner Mother Earth.
• Awwwww.
Boo-Hoo.
I got an idea. Put someone under with anesthesia, stick a gun in their mouth and pull the trigger.
• Wait, wha-?
Follow-up tests on a backup urine sample? Just how many times do these people have to pee in a cup?
• More than 92,000 show up to watch a spring football game?
Seriously, it’s time to get a professional team down there. Or some hobbies.
3 p.m.
• I always hear you liberals bitch about us evil right-wingers wanting to be all up in your business when it comes to you your bedroom activity. OK then. I’ll stay out of your bedroom, but get the hell away from my bathroom.
It’s bad enough you bitches leave us stuck with those gaywad enviro-friendly toilets, which require you to flush three times as many times in order to get a “deposit” certified as it would if I was using a manly shitter. You know, the kind that gives your privates a refreshing breeze afterward because of its sheer power. Then again, if you commies ever get some sort of toilet paper rationing legislation signed into law, I’ll be more than happy to wipe my browneye with your CD covers.
• I’m not a hunter, but generally I don’t make fun of people that like to do this sort of thing. Personally, getting up at 4 a.m., going out to the wilderness, sitting around in the cold, damp morning air and waiting for a defenseless animal to walk into your sights is not my idea of a good time. However, if it floats your boat, then good for you. Then again, I have to ask what is so impressive about shooting a deer or turkey with a gun or arrow? Go kill a bear or mountain lion with just a knife and your wits; then you can really hang that animal's head up on your wall with pride. Oh, and when the animals fight back, I’ll be rooting for them. Not because I hate hunters, mind you, but rather I’m a sucker for the underdog, or in this case, underbear.
• Well the baptism thingy I talked about in yesterday’s entry went off without a hitch, for the most part. The mother-in-law decided to take over and pass the kid around, but that’s the worst which happened so all-in-all it wasn’t a bad day. We then went to the restaurant, where we were supposed to eat at 4 p.m. – we didn’t actually start eating until 5 p.m., and by the time we got out of that place it was past 7 p.m., so that was a nice chunk of 5+ hours on my day off. Oh well, it’s not like this chick is going to pop out another kid anytime soon, or at least for nine months.
• I’m sure many of you would agree with me that the winter months produce more automobile accidents and delays, but goddamn whenever spring really starts to get in effect the carnage seems just as bad. My commute from work been at least 10-15 minutes longer each day because of more traffic, accidents, broken-down vehicles and road construction projects which have the orange barrels/cones up with nobody actually working at the scene. And on top of that, there seemingly has been at least one car accident per day on the highway I drive on. At least when there’s snow falling down, the only people you have to worry about are the idiots with four-wheel drive going 60+ mph; when the weather’s nice it seems everyone thinks they’re a NASCAR driver.
• I was watching SportsCenter this morning, and they brought up a stat that talked about the NHL referees actually calling penalties in this year’s Stanley Cup Playoffs. It’s about goddamn time. I like hard-hitting hockey as much as the next person, but not at the expense of illegally clutching and grabbing a team’s star skill players and hampering the on-ice product. I never understood why officials allowed teams around this time of year to get away with play that would have netted them a penalty in the regular season. Hopefully, enforcing the rules will continue on into the later rounds and make the NHL as a whole better.
• I don’t know what would stink more: Your house getting blasted with 3,000 gallons worth of sewage, or hearing your local government promise they will clean up and repair the damage to your residence. In the article it says the house has a tax value of $101k while estimates for cleanup range from $75-150k – if I were this poor family, I’d rather pack up and move than to rely on the government to clean my, literal, shithole up.
7:45 p.m.
• Have I mentioned how much I hate yardwork? I spent the better part of the afternoon pulling weeds and shit from the side of my yard, and uprooted two bush/tree thingys which sucked. Oh well, at least manual labor makes me feel like a man, until I get some dirt in my shoe and I cry.
• So this was on Drudge today: “Tina Brown set to unleash 'most controversial book on Princess Diana ever'…” Wha-?
WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Christ, how long has she been dead?
• Jackie Robinson would be so proud of this being published exactly one week after JACKIE ROBINSON DAY.
Actually, I’m wondering if this is the same school that got national headlines a few years back for this segregated prom? During that time Bill O’Reilly was going batshit about it and brought on Neal Boortz, who took an opposing view, on to his show. If memory serves, Boortz’s viewpoint was something to the effect of “it’s a private matter; what can the government school do.” Ah, here we go. Looks like the Bill/Neal conversation dealt with a different school. Wow, was this a funny moment of television.
In case you’re wondering what the “hubcap incident” was, here you go.
Personally, I thought the "hubcap" remark was much ado about nothing. After all, it's the Mexicans who steal those things. Blacks will just steal a car's stereo.
9 p.m.
• So today was primary day for the Keystone State. For a registered Republican there wasn't much to do other than nominate a bunch of people running unopposed in local elections. I was thinking of casting a write-in vote for president, or even throwing Ron Paul a bone for kicks, but then I saw that Mike Hickabee is still in the race. McCain for me and Mrs. kkk.
Sadly there weren't any stories to report. No fights with Democrats at the polling place. No nothing. Oh well.
• I think I'm going to side with the docs on this one.
Doctors are busy run late enough as it is -- I don't want to imagine them typing away at some medical issue to a patient. Besides, I'm sure whatever a doctor puts into writing would be red meat for a trial lawyer should something go wrong with said patient.
• Memoirs? How old is she again?
You know, I hate to admit it, but I actually watched part of an episode of "Hannah Montana" while in Buffalo. It wasn't as bad as I thought. The one niece-in-law is a fan of the show, so for the last few years all we have bought for her for holidays and birthdays has been this Montana shit. I can't wait until this phase is over and all that money is wasted.
Today’s going to be great fun. The better half’s friend who just squirted out her second kid is going to get it baptized today, and I have to go to the ceremony because Mrs. kkk is the kid’s godmother. I don’t get the whole “god” parents thing – to me it just sounds like an excuse to ask someone to pay for stuff for your newly born crumb snatcher. First the better half had to get this kid a christening gown for the big day, and on the drive home from work yesterday she said that she had to stop by the bank to get a “crisp $50 bill.” Here’s how it went down:
Her: “I need to go to the bank tomorrow morning and get a new, crisp $50 bill for the baptism.”
Me: “Why? Didn’t you buy that dress thing?”
Her: “Yes, but I have to get this, too. Actually, I think you should since I bought the dress.”
Me: “I’m not the kid’s godmother.”
Her: “Well she’s paying for your meal after the baptism.”
Me: “My ‘meal’ is going to be at a buffet, and since when did this kid get a job to pay for dinner? Besides, didn’t you tell me the kid’s rich grandparents (on the father’s side) are paying for this whole thing?”
Her: “I hate you.”
I loathe this whole gift-giving exchange thing. Oh we have to get a gift for these people because they’re getting something for us. Why just not exchange gifts in the first place and call it even? That way there’s no bitching about, “Well the gift I got Suzy was more expensive than what she got me.” And seriously, what’s the point? At my wedding we got $50 from this couple that were getting married several months after us. At their wedding what did we give them? Yep. $50. Personally, I think gifts should be given to people because you want to, not because you have to. Believe it or not, I actually enjoy giving gifts to people, but not because society deems it necessary to do so for every stupid occasion.
Here’s another story: Years ago I bought this game for the PS2 called “Looney Toones: Space Race.” Cute little game. Anyway, whenever my one niece and nephew in-law stop over, that’s one of the first games they like to play. At around May-June of last year I was at the local used CD store and found this game for sale in really good condition. I asked the better half should we get this for them because this game was now out of print. She said “no” because they only play that game at our house. A few months later it was time to get into Christmas shopping gear, and guess what was requested by these two kids? You guessed it. When their mother called the better half to give us an idea for gifts for her two kids, she asked the better half, “Is there any way you get that Looney Toones game you have at your house? That’s all they talk about when they are playing on their Playstation.”
Of course, the problem was that this game was no longer being made, and when I looked on Amazon, I didn’t find any available. A day or so later we went out to the local mall, and surrounding shopping centers, and there was no Space Race to be found. We then stopped in a used CD store (not the one mentioned above) and there we found a copy. Problem was there wasn’t an instruction manual, which turned off the better half. I eventually wore her down and convinced her to get the game, considering we had zero luck finding it elsewhere, and it was worth it to know that we found this game early on in the shopping season.
Well, when Christmas arrived, she was still bitching about the game because of no instruction manual and that since the game was “used” we didn’t spend the exact same amount of money on this niece and nephew than we did on Mrs. kkk’s other nieces. I kept telling her that it didn’t matter because this is what the kids wanted. (Then again, I went out on Black Friday to get her other nieces some gifts, and I asked the better half if she was calculating how much she “spent” on someone with a gift’s retail or sale price? That line of questioning didn’t go over too well.) When we arrived at the brother/sister in-law’s place (it’s a Christmas tradition), and after all the gifts were opened, guess which toy the niece and nephew played with first with the other kids who were also there? Yep. Did they even notice (or care) that there was no instruction manual included with the game? Nope. Was that the only Christmas toy/game they got to chose from? Not even close. Oh, that was quite a fun drive home. Not only did I get to say, “So what was that first game they played with?” 50+ times in a 10-15 drive back home, but I also saved $10+ for buying the game used. (Sorry, I couldn’t pass that one up.)
Oh, and for the record, we are each going in on half for the $50 baptism gift.
Every few weeks the kkk househould changes the four litter boxes scattered around the house. Last night it was my turn to do the cleaning. As I was doing this fun chore I had on ESPN’s draft special #374128957498 on, and they were talking with Bill Polian, the general manager of the Indianapolis Colts. I had this on as background noise so I may not be completely accurate in what I thought I heard. The ESPN guy was asking Polian about the recent asquisition of Adam Vinatieri, and Polian was saying how Adam was among the great kickers in NFL history and then he named a few players. One name that made me do a double-take was Scott Norwood. Um, OK. I’m sure Norwood may have had a good career and all (he's the Bills all-time leading scorer, last I checked), but I wouldn’t want to have my field goal kicker associated with this guy, especially since you’re expecting him to make some game-winning field goals in the playoffs. I’m sure Bill Buckner had a good career, but I wouldn’t want to compare my team's first baseman to him, especially if they're postseason-bound.
While I’m on this subject, there’s something else I need to grumble about. I get how it can be fun to watch the NFL draft and try to figure out who your favorite team is going to draft and stuff, but sometimes this goes just a tad overboard. Over the last few years I remember hearing from the ESPN gang on draft day about how some crappy teams have practically rebuilt themselves after a round or two with their selections. Look, I get that parity can make bad teams good, but can we at least wait until they win a few games in the regular season before considering teams that have done nothing in recent seasons to be postseason threats?
Even though the NFL Draft coverage can be overkill, this is still a fun time of the year for sports. The NBA and NHL playoffs are just getting started, Major League Baseball is in full swing, and the NFL gets its several rounds in the spotlight. However, there is one thing about the upcoming playoffs that gets on my nerves. It’s when talking heads start comparing postseason matchups and then say, about a lower-seeded team, “I sure wouldn’t want to be playing them in the playoffs.” Shutup. This is the playoffs – you’re supposed to be playing good teams. Who do you expect to be playing this time of the year – the Raptors? The Penguins? You’re supposed to be playing teams that have a few stars on their roster, and if this team is meshing come playoff time, then the higher-seeded team better be, too.
I’ll probably watch some of the NHL playoffs this weekend, which is funny because I have no idea who is in the postseason. All I know is that New Jersey is playing well, and I’m sure Detroit is the top seed at the other place. And let me say that there is nothing better than playoff hockey, especially if a game goes into overtime. What I love about this drama is that every pass, shot and check gets magnified even more when a crucial playoff game is on the line. Also, it always seems that in a tense, sudden death contest, the winning goal is always scored in a flukish sort of way.
11:45 p.m.
• So MSNBC had “To Catch a Predator: Greatest Hits” or something like that. After watching this hour-long laughfest, I have conclude that this world is made up of some crazy-ass people. My favorite was the guy who showed up to the sting house, stripped naked and began wanking in the kitchen before the show’s host came out to greet him. The next day this perv arranged another “date,” this time at a McDonald’s, thinking he was going to provide a happy meal for some 13-year-old boy. Busted again. But that’s not the best part. At the show’s end, when they were telling us the years in jail all these predators received, the guy mentioned above was only sentenced to two years – the least out of all of them, except for the guy who is still at-large. Did I say two years? I mean NONE, because the red diaper doper baby judge suspended his sentence. WTF? He was ON VIDEO at a house where he thought he was going to get some under-age anal and was MASTERBATING in anticipation. While these shows are funny as hell, what’s scary is when you realize that there are a shit-load of these encounters that go on everyday.
7:45 p.m.
• I think I just found my new “White Rapper” show. I was flipping through channels today and watched some of that “Charm School” program where the “Flavor of Love” rejects learn to be more lady-like. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then consider yourself lucky. Good God. There were many things to laugh at, but what got me was the $50,000 grand prize and how several of these women thought this would be the end-all to their current financial woes. Um, it’s only $50,000 – and that’s before taxes. You’re not going to retire because of this. At least I now know who that chick was in those “I Love New York” episodes. No, I didn’t watch ANY of those. What is up with rejected chicks on these “Bachelor-like” shows getting their own “elimin-date” programs? Talk about sloppy seconds.
• If you don't think you're shooting at blacks, then terrorists have already won.
• The hell?
So what about the billions upon billions of unbaptized babies who have already died? What exactly happens to them – do they get recalled or something? And to think there are people sitting in a room actually discussing this stuff.
8:15 a.m.
• I’ve been meaning to tell this story for about a week but haven’t been motivated enough until now. While at the Chinese buffet last week, there were some people sitting next to us before the “shoe” family paid us a visit. There were two guys and one was bitching to the other about how in California cops will go into a bar’s parking lot and mark up a car’s tire. This acts like a time stamp, so the officers will know how long that car has been parked there. If a person leaves in a car that’s been there for several hours they will pull them over for a DUI test or something. This genius then said, “They can’t do that – that’s ENTRAPMENT.” Now regardless of your opinion of this police procedure, this is not “entrapment.” But wait, I’m not a lawyer. Could I be wrong? I took this case over to our newly bar-accepted ambulance chaser Vyce and asked for his opinion. This is what he said:
Now I also mentioned to the better half my example of how the above-mentioned police tactics could have a case of being entrapment, which was if the cops opened up a bar/drink stand offering free drinks for six hours. When the people drink up and drive off other cops stationed nearby who have been watching the whole thing pull them over. Was my spur-of-the-moment exaample a case of entrapment due to "police" offering "free" drinks? Here's what Vyce said.
I got into an argument with my co-worker over this because he felt this was wrong for the police to do. Personally, I don’t’ care. My co-worker said, “Well, what if they pull someone over who was working or wasn’t drinking?” My response: “Then all they have to do is walk a straight line.” I guess I’m nothing more than a goose-stepping pawn of the State, but I’m actually glad cops do this. I got pulled over one time when I was in high school, and the police thought I might have been drinking. I took a turn wide and went through a stop sign I didn’t see due to driving in an unfamiliar area. I also had several passengers with me, so I’m sure the po-pos were thinking we had just come from a party or something. They had me do the nose-touching thing and the walk-straight thing. I was cooperative and that was the end of it. Yeah, I got a ticket, but I didn’t fight it, even though I might have had a case. The reason? I still had my junior license, which prohibits anyone under the age of 18 from driving past midnight, and it was well into the witching hour when I got pulled over. I just paid the $90 and went on with life.
10:30 p.m.
• Time for another pic of the kids.
This was taken not too long after we first took Max in as a stray. He had a hell of a time trying to get the other two to like him. Here he is trying to charm Dessa by thinking if they lay on the same bed together it will expediate the bonding process; it's been 2+ years and he's still working on it. Well, actually, I think he's given up, and who can blame him? Bitches be trippin'.
• There’s one thing I hate more than mowing my lawn, and that’s Jews. Seriously, they own the banks, they own the media and they own the entertainment industry. And even though they want you to think they suck at sports, there’s Sandy Koufax and Shawn Green. Wait a second, I’m getting off-track. There’s two things I hate more than mowing my lawn. What’s the second thing?
Mowing my lawn for the first time in the spring.
Oh sweet Jesus do I fucking hate this shit. The grass gets a head start growing after the snow melts and the rain pours, keeping my lawnmower indoors while the land sprouts. And then when it’s warm enough for me to feel motivated and prime up the ol’ mower it takes me three-and-a-half hours and five 40 gallon lawn bags before I finish. But it’s done – for now. Where’s an undocumented Mexican when you really need one?
• I posted my NHL playoff picks a while back, and even though I think I’m doing OK over in the Eastern Conference, I know I’ve got Nashville going far in the West. Oops. Well, I might as well do the NBA now and get it over with.
EASTERN CONFERENCE -- FIRST ROUND
Magic (8) v. Pistons (1): I have no idea who is on the Magic. There’s some Howard kid that’s supposed to be good. Hey, is Bo Outlaw still playing? He is! And it looks like he still wears those funky glasses. Pistons in 5.
Wizards (7) v. Cavs (2): The Wizards should be the eighth seed by default. What a lucky break the Cavs got with the Bulls choking in their final game of the regular season, thus dropping from the second to the fifth seed and giving Cleveland this matchup. Cavs in 5.
Nets (6) v. Raptors (3): I have no clue who is on the Raptors. They got the top draft pick last year, if memory serves, so I guess that went well. Nets in 6.
Bulls (5) v. Heat (4): With all the talk about the Bulls losing the second seed, they still played Miami tough in last year’s opening round. Although the Heat have to be a good team; after all, Pat Riley has said that he will coach them next year. If the Heat were going to suck, Riles would be out like shout. Bulls in 6.
EASTERN CONFERENCE -- SECOND ROUND
Bulls (5) v. Pistons (4): I remember those Bulls/Pistons matchups from the late 1980s/early 1990s. Fuck MJ. Fuck Scottie Pippen. Pistons in 6.
Nets (6) v. Cavs (2): I like Lebron. Cavs in 6.
EASTERN CONFERENCE -- THIRD ROUND
Cavs (2) v. Pistons (1): It’ll be like last year, only one round further. Pistons in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE -- FIRST ROUND
Warriors (8) v. Mavericks (1): No clue who is on the Warriors. I’ve heard they’ve beaten the Mavs as of late. Hooray for them. Mavericks in 5.
Lakers (7) v. Suns (2): Hope you like scoring all those points, Kobe, because that’s all you have to look forward to. Suns in 5.
Nuggets (6) v. Spurs (3): How has the Iverson experiment gone? I haven’t been paying attention. Spurs in 5.
Rockets (5) v. Jazz (4): I’m surprised the Jazz did as good as they did. However, I heard that some European guy is hurt, and I’m not sure if it’s the really good white guy Utah has. I’m not taking any chances. Rockets in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE -- SECOND ROUND
Rockets (5) v. Mavericks (1): I like Yao. I like T-Mac. I don’t like Houston’s chances of moving on. Mavericks in 6.
Spurs (3) v. Suns (2): I remember watching some of last years’ Spurs/Mavericks second-round playoff matchup. What a great contest that was. It’s a shame one of these teams has to lose. Spurs in 7.
WESTERN CONFERENCE -- THIRD ROUND
Spurs (3) v. Mavericks (1): I give the nod to Dallas because San Antonio will be worn out due to all that running in their last round. Mavericks in 6.
NBA FINALS
Pistons (1) v. Mavericks (1): Dallas will finish what they started last year, and I get to laugh when David Stern hands the trophy over to Mark Cuban just as he gets on his private jet to make more pro-terrorist films. Mavericks in 6.
It’s that time of the year again. Gas prices are shooting through the roof and Big Oil and their buddies in the Bush Administration are making record profits. You know what’s funny about this whole situation every time the price of fuel goes up? No, it’s not the soccer mom getting mad when filling up her Durango to take the kids to practice. It’s the same greenie weenies that bitch and moan about the cost of gas along with the rest of the masses. If these bitches had an ounce of honesty in them they’d welcome these $3/gallon prices and wish it would rise to the $4-5 range. After all, with a higher cost of fuel, more people would be tempted to take those clean, efficient vehicles that make up the public transportation system. With a higher cost of fuel, more people would be encouraged to buy hybrid cars, or at least shelve those gas-guzzling SUV’s. With a higher cost of fuel other alterative sources of energy would be encouraged even more.
So how come when the cost of gas rises do I not hear these people applaud? Oh, yeah. Halliburton.
It’s times like this that I thank God I no longer work at a convenience store. The wacky hours and crappy pay were bad enough; don't even get me started on the idiot customers (oops, too late). Those patrons were bad enough back when I worked there back in 1996 when gas was 99 cents a gallon; I couldn’t imagine putting up with these assholes now. Christ almighty, back then these people bitched when gas went up to a whopping $1.06 a gallon; I don’t want to know what they are saying now. One thing that has changed from 10 years ago is that many stations now require you to pre-pay; back then it was merely optional, unless it was late at night. I can’t blame the stores – I remember watching a few customers work up $100 bills back when gas was one-third cheaper than it is now.
Drive-offs were always weird for me. Our store was an extremely busy one, and it seemed that most drive-offs took place in the early afternoon, when there wasn’t much traffic. You would think the drive-offs would take place during a busy period, such as the morning or afternoon rush hour commute. Those drive-offs would get me pissed; you bust your ass for 6-7 hours without any theft, but the moment you turn around to do an inventory of behind-the-counter cigarettes, boom. There goes a $25 order.
Even though I had a few drive-offs in my heyday, there were several instances when I caught the bastards that tried to get a free ride. The most memorable one was this crazy broad who came up to my register, threw a bunch of change at me and just walked out. When I asked her where’s the rest of the money, she mumbled something and just casually drove away. I got the bitch’s license plate and called the cops. When the law finally caught up with this fugitive, I heard from a co-worker that this lady’s husband came in and calmly paid the difference – something like $10. Apparently, the woman was a few fries short of a happy meal and has done things like this before. The reason she gave for her exodus? When you need gas and don’t have enough money to pay for your order, gas stations are supposed to give you the fuel for free.
This lady’s car may have had a full tank of gas, but mentally she’s ran on fumes.
8 a.m.
• Well, I'll be getting ready to leave the state in a few hours, which brings me to something I've been meaning to say for a few days. You may have noticed that in the last few months I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. Well, there's a reason for that.
I've been really busy at work and many times the last thing I want to do when I get home is get in front of another computer.
And the sad thing is, there's really not much to complain about. I could gripe about my contractor and how they're putting more and more work on my boss's plate (and in turn, me) that wasn't in the agreed contract, but the great thing about all this is that my new boss has been supportive of me 110 percent. It's a TOTAL night/day switch from the shithole I used to work at. Hell, last week she said that she was going to bring on another person (part-time to start) to help us out. And what did she do? She started interviewing people yesterday! Now some of you may find this "normal," but I came from a place that took two months to find a replacement for me (and from the stories I've been hearing it sounds like my idiot ex-boss picked a real winner, but that's another story for another time). I came from a place that put stuffing envelopes over job duties I was originally hired to perform. I came from a place that wouldn't reimburse our sales manager for ANYTHING he did out on the road. (But my ex-idiot boss would spend thousands on trips to national conventions that did squat for our organization. Shit, there's another story sorta-related to this subject that I could mention, but time forbids it.) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I came from a pretty shitty place.
• Hello.
I remember when I was that age I stood on a bench during lunchtime and made a "Tarzan" yell. Why? Because I was a kid. I was whisked away and had to put my head down on my desk during post-lunch recess. I had no intentions of killing anyone. Actually, the reason I did this was for attention. A little less than a year later I was at a classmate's birthday party when this girl named Tonya called my name from across the table. After she got my attention, she then did a mock of that yell/chest thumping and gave me that look that a grade-schooler gives when they want to bang you (Or whatever they think of when they're that age; hell, now they probably do imagine taking it doggy-style while leaning against the Tinker Toy can. Oh who am I kidding? They don't play with Tinker Toys anymore.)
8:30 p.m.
• You cocksuckers asked for my address, phone number, social security number, mother's maiden name, shoe size and blood sample the last time I stopped in to get some batteries and this is what you do with all that information?
• You know, if I won $150k from the lottery or inheritance (now that's a funny one; I'd need 150,000 relatives to die and leave me everything), the sensible part of me would use this money to pay off the house and Mrs. kkk's school loan. But that was before I read this.
When I was a kid I had my picture taken with KITT at a car show. (Or at least that's what I was told when my mom paid the $5 for the photo. It was a black car with that red flashy thing. Good enough for me.) Somewhat funny story. When I was in grade school in the early/mid-80s, our class (of less than 10; private school, baby) had some assignment where we had to write where we wanted to live if we had the chance. The catch: it had to be a real place. I can’t remember what I wrote, but my best friend at the time wrote that he wanted to live in “Knight Riderland.” When the teacher asked him where this was he said, “Way far away.” How the hell to I remember this? Oh, and my mom wouldn’t let me watch the A-Team because it was “too violent.” Bitch.
11:15 a.m.
• Don't you know that teaching the Holocaust in British schools is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male, err, child?
10 a.m.
• So I’m listening to Boortz on his flagship 750-WSB Atlanta this morning via the Internet, and the station just had their sports guy talk about the upcoming Florida/OSU game. Who is this guy? Tony Schiavone. It was weird hearing him describe an event and not use the words, “THIS WILL BE THE BIGGEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT~!!!.”
Because my upcoming b-day falls on a workday this year, the better half gave me my presents today. She constantly bitches that I’m hard to shop for, which I always thought was a good thing because that means I’m not materialistic. When it comes to gifts, nothing is better than CDs, DVDs or video games (except maybe gift cards so I can get what I want whenever it goes on sale). Even though I spend most of my disposable income on the three things mentioned above, DVD gifts are usually what I prefer to get, and this year she went 3-for-3 in the present category.
My first gift was a gimmie: Season 7 of South Park. Seeing how I have the first six seasons already, it’s pretty much a no-brainer I’d be looking to add this to my collection. However, this season was when I began to stop watching “South Park” during their episodes' first run. Instead of staying up past when I normally go to bed on a work night, or setting the VCR (I’m lazy), I figured it will just be more convenient to wait until the DVD comes out and get a season's worth of shows then. Although Season 7 had some episodes that were great (Krazy Kripples, Christian Rock Hard, South Park is Gay and It’s Christmas in Canada, to name a few), there were others I didn’t care for, such as the one spoofing Jennifer Lopez and the one dealing with Cartman’s obsession with Casa Bonita. In addition, I felt a bit short-changed with the episode dealing with the Iraq war – the payoff wasn’t that satisfying to me, and it reminded me a bit of that episode dealing with Terri Schiavo and the removal of her feeding tube. (Although it was great to hear the Founding Fathers go “rabble rabble rabble.")
The second thing I got was the soundtrack to “Team America: World Police.” A few months ago I had the movie’s “AIDS” song stuck in my head for about a week, and I guess that’s where Mrs. kkk got the idea to get me this album. A good idea it was, considering I already had the movie on DVD and liked several songs such as “Everyone has AIDS,” “America, Fuck Yeah,” and “Montage.” In regards to the movie itself, I was a bit disappointed by it. However, I think a large part of my letdown stems from me expecting too much. I try not to give a movie too high of expectations, but sometimes you just can't help it. (Kevin Smith's "Dogma" was another film that I had this problem with.) Overall I liked the movie, but it seemed to drag on in some places. But when it hit, it hit hard. Along with making fun of a number of Hollywood celebrities and the United Nations, I liked a lot of the film’s smaller touches, such as black cats being vicious “panthers” and seeing tropical fish in the “ocean” scenes. And then there was the dialogue, more specifically "Matt Damon," a phrase that the better half and I now use whenever the other person says or does something stupid. In addition, it’s nice to know that the Chiodo Brothers, creators of “Killer Klowns from Outer Space,” one of my favorite cheesy films of all-time, produced the puppets in "Team America." I’m sure there won’t be a sequel to this movie, but some work is better than no work, especially in the film industry.
The third present was an “Uncle Buck” DVD. The odd thing about this selection is that I was never really a fan of John Candy when many of his movies were first shown in the 1980s. However, as I got older and watched these films again I began to appreciate them more; perhaps I didn’t quite get Candy’s humor as a kid, or perhaps my sense of what’s funny is getting diluted. I must say however that I always loved one particular scene in “Uncle Buck” when he’s talking a school administrator with a sizeable mole on her face. If you saw this movie, you know what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t seen this movie, I don’t know what to tell you.
I have my choice of radio stations programmed, and it’s limited to 4-5 stations. For example, there’s the RIGHT-WING RADIO Clear Channel with the usual syndicated lineup. There’s also KDKA, a more local AM station. Then there are those bitches from WPTT that bumped Neal Boortz; I don't listen to them anymore. For sports I have Fox Sports Radio, which has a local morning show and Jim Rome, and finally ESPN Radio, which I listen to Mark Madden’s afternoon show. While I don’t complain much about the lineup of these stations, sometimes I want to listen to something different, so I began scanning the radio dial in hopes of finding something new. And something new I found.
I discovered WPIT, a local AM station. I looked up their lineup on-line, and they seem to be a Jesus-lite station. As I started scanning the hosts, I was less-than thrilled. Then I saw who was on from noon-2 p.m. – Dr. Laura.
Like I said in my “Best of RIGHT-WING RADIO” entry a while ago, I don’t listen to Dr. Laura for her politics, or moral opinions. Hell, if she found out how long I lived in sin, she’d spend a full segment yelling at me. However, I loved listening to her show in other markets because of her callers. I started listening to her show again this past Monday, and on Tuesday I heard one of the best talk-radio moments I’ve enjoyed in quite some time. This lady called and had her mother on another phone line. The daughter wanted Dr. Laura to tell her mother why she should leave her husband of 18 years. When asked how old the caller’s mother was, she said “71.” Then the mother started mumbling on the other line. The next question asked was, “Why do you want your mother to divorce this man?” Because he drinks and is always getting in trouble. The mother added, “I broke my leg when trying to bail him out of jail.” At this point tears were starting to trickle down my face. Dr. Laura then told the mother to hang up the phone because she wanted to talk to the daughter “one-on-one” (on a radio show heard by MILLIONS of listeners). The daughter then responded, “What should I do with my mother?” For the rest of the segment, when Dr. Laura was talking there were several interruptions (I counted four) by the mother randomly blurting out “Hello? Is anyone there?”
I was listening to her show again today, and there was a caller in tears because her young daughter sent some kid a card (she didn’t say what the occasion was – birthday/Valentine’s/etc.) and he didn’t respond to her daughter in kind. Another caller was getting her feelings hurt because her mother-in-law would re-arrange her furniture when she would stop for a visit. But the best caller of the day was the young twenty-something who had a kid at 16 with this guy, went on to have several miscarriages, and now she doesn’t know if her kid should be around another kid who her baby’s daddy fathered at the same time her kid was born.
Thank you, WPIT.
8 p.m.
• Uh-oh. I forgot the NBA playoffs started today. Whatever, it's only one game. Is the NBA is still doing the pre-determined brackets, unlike the NHL which reseeds every round? Well they are in this.
Coming from the Big East, boy, we ain’t slippin’
(1) Boston vs. (8) Atlanta
Hey, Atlanta made the playoffs! Good for them. I don’t even want to know their record. Celtics in 5. (For the record, I rarely call a game in 4 games or 7 games. Generally, if I say a series will last 5 games, I’m leaning toward a 4-5 game series. If I say 6 games, I’m thinking a series will last 6-7 games. But I’ll take any correct prediction when I can.)
(2) Detroit vs. (7) Philadelphia
I heard the 76ers were playing pretty good as of late. No matter. Pistons in 5.
(3) Orlando vs. (6) Toronto
This one has my interest somewhat. I’m thinking this could have upset potential. I’ll still go Magic in 6.
(4) Cleveland vs. (5) Washington
I don’t care about this series. I didn’t care about this series last year. I didn’t care about it the year before. Cavs in 6.
SECOND ROUND:
(1) Boston vs. (4) Cleveland
I don’t see the Cavs pulling off an upset past the first round this year. Celtics in 5.
Detroit (2) vs. Orlando (3)
Oh what the heck. After guessing a near upset in Orland’s first round matchup, I’ll say they give the Pistons a scare. Pistons in 6.
THIRD ROUND:
(1) Boston vs. (2) Detroit.
This is what everybody has been predicting all year. I’ll pull for the Celtics. Boston in 6.
West-siiiiide
(1) Los Angeles vs. (8) Denver
So it was Denver and not Golden State that got the last playoff spot. It must be terrible for a fan of a Western Conference team like the Nuggets. You spend all that money attending games throughout the regular season only to get ousted in the first round each year. Lakers in 5.
(2) New Orleans vs. (7) Dallas
I was figuring Dallas would make some noise in the playoffs this year, seeing how they got bumped in the first round last year and they were facing not even reaching the postseason after making the trade for Kidd. However, it seems every ESPN talking head has been predicting Dallas to upset, which has me nervous. No matter. Mavericks in 6.
(3) San Antonio vs. (6) Phoenix
I made this prediction before today’s game, which I had on while doing some odds and ends around the house. I’m pulling for the Suns, but I just can’t. Spurs in 6.
(4) Utah vs. (5) Houston
I like T-Mac. Really. I do. But like how I can’t discount the Spurs in the first round, I can’t discount Houston from NOT advancing. Jazz in 5.
SECOND ROUND
(1) Los Angeles vs. (4) Utah
Remember my comment about the Nuggets? Insert “Nuggets” for “Jazz.” Los Angles in 5.
(2) San Antonio vs. Dallas (7)
I had the Spurs advancing in the first round, but I’ll go for the upset here. Mavs in 6.
THIRD ROUND
(1) Los Angles vs. Dallas (7)
Oh what the heck, I’ll call it. Mavericks in 6.
Finals
(1) Boston vs. Dallas (7)
I’m such a party pooper to not have LAKERS VS. CELTICS. Whatever. Hooray for anti-climatic Championship Series. Celtics in 5.
