KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 64: UseTheSledgehammerUh
This guy gets a lot of criticism, and at one point he was even banned, but I’ve never had a problem with him. In fact, his user name is one of the better ones around here, imo, and he has shown us in the past how to party, mixer-style. Of course if you look back on those threads all you get are a bunch of "User Posted Images," but we'll always have our memories.
And now a word or seven from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From The Real World's Champion:
From Black Lushus:
From EricMM:
From Bob Barron:
From Carnival:
From Cancer Marney:
From SFA Jack:
• I am in sheer awe of this old guy who lives across the street from me. Despite living with what I am assuming are his children and grandchildren – the youngest of which is in his teens – this poor guy still does all of the property's yard work. Yesterday I noticed a ladder in the front of this house, and when I looked more closely I noticed that this guy, who can barely walk on level ground, was on the ladder and doing something to a window that involved a power tool. He spent at least two-and-a-half hours out there doing God-knows-what, but bless him for his efforts. I know I would probably kill myself if I had to do any home improvements that took me off the ground.
• While I’m talking about neighbors, the people which live to the one side of me (not the old guy who kills groundhogs, but the other people with the barking dog), have set up all this playground equipment, including a big-ass trampoline. Now if they would only get around to mowing their lawn. The better half thinks they’re drug dealers, but I’m leaning more toward them setting up some unregulated daycare business.
• I heard this on Rush’s show today. And they say people in the Northwest aren’t passionate about their teams. But before I go thinking that people along the Left Coast are normal, I have to add that this judge filed a complaint against HERSELF.
• And now for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Some woman phones in and wants to know how she can properly love her husband. When asked why she needs help in “loving her husband” this woman replied, “Because he scares me.”
• There are plenty of red-diaper doper babies in the Big Apple, but thankfully there are one or two of them with a smitten of common sense. Instead of whining about a rouge government, the New York Civil Liberties Union ought to be pissed off at terrorists that make bag searches a good idea to most Americans.
• While I’m on the subject of terrorists, what’s the big deal here? Maybe these fine Middle Eastern men have big families, thus needing 1,000 cell phones. After all, what is little Abdul to do when Jihad Camp lets out early? You actually expect him to wait out by the street with all the unholy swine? Why, that’s one of the worst things you can do to… come on, you know the rest.
• It’s bad enough NFL players have to worry about on-the-field injuries during training camp, practices and preseason games. Now they have to fret about renegade mascots driving golf carts?
• Woah. Heath Shuler is running for office. Too bad he’s a Democrat. Oh, and those six words “Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi” do strike enough fear into me that I would probably vote for a Republican I don’t care for over a conservative Democrat in a Congressional race. Good thing I’m satisfied with my GOP Rep. Tim Murphy.
• Last night I got a recorded phone call from Samuel L. Jackson telling me to go see “Snakes on a Plane.” Alrighty then.
• Is there nobody out there that the Bush Administration doesn’t disenfranchise? I’d be curious to know how much of a percentage of votes Nevada gets with its “none of the above” option.
• So yesterday I got this pseudo-magazine in the mail that my local government school district publishes. As I was thumbing through it I got to a section where I was introduced to the new teachers at Norwin High School. Goddamn are these people young; at least three-fourths of them have to be in their low- to mid-20s (I can't remember a non-substitute teacher I had that was in his or her 30s, let alone 20s, during my school days). Most seem to be doing lower-grade subjects, which got me the thinking of a conversation I had with this chick back in Ohio about teacher’s pay.
This chick from my time in Ohio had a degree in elementary education, or something similar, and was looking for a job teaching these little brats. Somehow we got on the subject of teacher’s compensation. Genuinely curious about this subject I asked her if she thought she should be paid the same as a high-school professor. She said yes, and I asked why. She couldn’t give an answer, and when I compared her job of making sure everyone has a blankie for naptime to the 12th grade AP Science prof dealing with chemicals that could blow up the school he or she is teaching in, I could tell by the stare I was receiving that I was getting into trouble. Oh well. Too fucking bad.
• I don’t really care about the following article or the story it tells. I’m just surprised Utah has a Democrat elected to anything.
• This headline made me laugh: Bucs' Sanchez Has Something to Play For. You bet he does – to be good enough to get the hell off this team via a trade or free agency.
• The hell?
You mean to tell me Republicans were around back then? Damn. Oh, speaking of wacky weather, I had Hannity’s radio show on for a few minutes today (Why oh why did Salem Radio get rid of Dave Ramsey?) and he had a caller that said if Bush caused Hurricane Katrina last year, shouldn’t he get some credit for moving Hurricane Ernesto away from Florida? For some reason this made me laugh. I guess Bush’s decision to steer Ernesto away from the Sunshine State was because the hurricane was going to hit some white neighborhoods. Think about that before you go vote in this year’s elections. Should Democrats take control of Congress, W. is going to fuck some shit up for you Seaboard districts with next year’s wave of hurricanes. Hell, I’m sure he also has power over tornados, earthquakes and volcanoes, so even if you live away from a large body of water, be warned.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this ). We have a tie.
Caller A: This woman used to be married to this guy. They already had a few kids (I didn’t hear if they were through adoption or screwing), and then they adopted this girl. Well, it turns out her man was molesting the kid, and eventually he got busted. The happy couple has since split up, and the ex-hubby’s jail sentencing hearing is quickly approaching. This lady was asked by the State to appear and give some testimony as to what a bastard this guy was, but she’s not sure if she wants to do this. The reason? Because it might give her ex a longer sentence.
Caller B: This divorced mom, complete with 14-year old boy, started a relationship with this guy who was also the father of a 16-year old girl. One day the caller walked in on the kids having sex. Her question was how to keep these two kids away from each other.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 57: El Santiaco
I know El mostly for his insight on movies and other entertainment-related material. Although I didn't care much for Donnie Darko, (the best part of the film for me was the line "I'm voting Dukakis"), he also likes Knight Rider and Hellboy in all of their check-your-brain-at-the-door goodness. In addition, we both agree that the best zombie is a slow-moving zombie. Speaking of zombie movies, I still don't get all the love for Shaun of the Dead. I bought it (on sale, of course) and laughed at a few parts, but that was about it. I guess you really have to be into the zombie genre in order to fully appreciate this movie. (I'm sure the same could be said about me and my love for "Don't be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood.")
• If you read yesterday’s entry, you probably caught the babble Psycho Princess and nl-asshole spewed out in regards to Mrs. kkk mowing the lawn instead of me performing this tedious chore. The shock. The horror. The outrage. This got me the thinking about other around-the-house duties the better half and I perform and who does what in this union of wedded bliss. Fifty-plus years ago the husband in a marriage was supposed to go out and bring home the bacon while the wife would cook, clean and take care of the kids. Fast-forward to 2006; this sort of role-playing is extinct for many households. What does the job arrangement look like at the kkk manor? Let’s take a gander.
When Mrs. kkk and I bought our little slice of the American dream, we came to an agreement that I would mow the lawn while she trimmed the edges of our property with the weed whacker. This way one person wouldn't spend an entire afternoon doing yardwork. The funny thing is for as much as I suck at weed whacking, I think she is even worse. Before she broke the first weed whacker by putting the wrong kind of fuel into its tank, she managed to strike me with that wire shit that actually does the cutting. (I could also mention the time she got pissed off and kicked the weed whacker across the back yard because it wouldn't start. Wait a second, I just did.) Because she probably weed whacks once for every six or seven times I mow the lawn, she’ll surprise me every now and then if she has a day off and feels motivated to romp around outside for a few hours.
There’s something else we agreed upon regarding outside work, and that involved planting flowers and other hippie shit. Basically the rule is I want no part of doing this. I don’t care what she does in regards to planting trees or removing shrubs. All I ask is that she not set fire to the property, hit a gas line, or do something that will require us to file a home owner’s insurance claim. When there’s a sizeable job that needs to be done, she’ll call on me to do the heavy lifting. Well, maybe not heavy. More like medium lifting. Take for example one of her summer’s big projects: removing two dozen cement blocks and several dozen bricks the previous owners had half-buried throughout the front and back yard. What is Mrs. kkk planning to do upon removal of these heavy slabs? I have no idea. All I know is that these blocks were a real bitch to transport. On the bright side at least we didn’t have to worry about hauling them beyond out driveway due to the fact her one boss took them for some project he was working on in his yard; one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Other fun duties we share include raking the leaves that fall from our one backyard tree every autumn season. We also take turns shoveling snow in the wintertime. Why do we take turns with the snow? Because each of us can’t stand the way the other person shovels. I prefer to start in the middle of the drive way and shovel “width-wise” in both directions, stacking snow on each of the driveway’s edges. Mrs. kkk prefers to just shovel in one direction and scoop all the snow off to one side. There are other duties that for one reason or another each of us exclusively performs. If there is a hornet's nest that needs gassed, she takes pleasure in destroying it; however, should there be a dead bird that flew into our back porch’s screen, I am the one who buries the carcass.
Well, that about covers all the work we do in regards the house's exterior. Tomorrow we'll see what each of us does indoors.
On Friday I talked about how the better half and I split the maintenance duties for our lawn, among other outdoor activities. I was going to talk about indoor cleaning responsibilities yesterday, but that damn Shittsburgh mayor just had to die from cancer Friday night, and I felt like talking about him instead. I swear one of these days I need to put my priorities in order.
I do most of the cooking and post-meal cleaning, but that’s because if I left washing dishes up to the better half she would use the dishwasher. I have a problem with dishwashers; I don’t know why (although this should provide some insight into my reasoning). I guess one reason is because dishwashers cross my laziness tolerance line. Nevertheless, most of the kitchen duties are mine, unless Mrs. kkk wants to bake cupcakes or something for a church event or some other get-together. I should note that my culinary skills don’t require much more than nuking veggies, cooking some meat in a skillet or putting something in the oven, so it’s not like I’m slaving away for several hours at some elaborate dish.
In regards to house cleaning, we have a weird system. Every few months the house will get cleaned, and most of the time it’s mostly done by just one of us. On Friday she cleaned most of the house while I was at work. However, the previous cleaning, which took place in early July, I spent an afternoon and evening running the vacuum cleaner and spraying chemicals all over the house. The last time we had a joint effort in cleaning up the house was this year’s Memorial Day weekend. Laundry duties are mostly separate because I don’t like running my clothes through the dryer at medium/high heat while Mrs. kkk does. However, if I’m washing my clothes and the better half’s hamper is full, then I’ll do a separate load or two with her stuff. I must say though that I completely stay away from washing the bedding; that’s all her.
So there you have it. Our “ying-yang” system has worked for seven-plus years now ever since we began living in sin. Funny enough, even though Jesus freaks and moralists decry couples cohabitating, I really don’t have a problem with it. If the couple is serious about their relationship, then I think they should see what living together and splitting household duties is like. Getting married is hectic enough, what with all the ceremony and reception planning (not to mention trying to pay this expensive date off afterward, but that’s another story for another time). Fighting over whose turn is it to take out the trash won’t help matters much to a newlywed couple when the honeymoon ends and real life begins (for the record, I’m the trash hauler). I also apply this “tryout” rule when it comes to child rearing. Before popping out a few demon seeds, how about adopting a dog or kitty (or two) from your local animal adoption agency and seeing what it’s like to be responsible for a life form that’s not as high-maintenance as a newborn baby?
• If you don’t know what I’m doing, go read Sunday's entry. These predictions were made before the Sunday games, and I’m not going to change them based on opening weekend results.
Holy divisional matchups, Batman. Indianapolis at Jacksonville, New England at Miami, Philadelphia at Washington and Denver at San Diego. There’s also Atlanta at Tampa Bay, Baltimore at Kansas City and New York at Carolina. As much as I want to see Emily Manning crushed again by Carolina, Indianapolis at Jacksonville always seems to produce a good contest.
This is like Week 14, only in reverse. Shittsburgh at Carolina looks to be a safe bet, and Kansas City at San Diego could have playoff implications. However, I’m afraid that Philadelphia at New York might get the green light due to media market reasons. Fuck that. I’m going with Kansas City at San Diego because of my East Coast bias.
Baltimore at Shittsburgh usually produces a physical game. If Atlanta can somehow be in the playoff picture, their match with Carolina could be interesting. New England at Jacksonville would be a repeat of last year’s Wild Card game. Cincinnati at Denver and San Diego at Seattle look are my finalists. I’ll go with Cincinnati at Denver.
This will be tricky. Some good teams could be resting starters and some so-so teams will be in the fight for their playoff lives. Jacksonville at Kansas City, Miami at Indianapolis, Shittsburgh at Cincinnati stand out the most for me this week. Gotta go divisional once again: Shittsburgh at Cincinnati.
• Speaking of predictions, let's see how well I fared with my Week 1 picks.
Miami at Shittsburgh. Wrong.
I love how after the Steelers fumbled near the goal line after a nine-minute, 16-play drive they then responded with an 80+ yard touchdown pass on the first play of their next possession.
Atlanta at Carolina. Correct.
Good thing I wasn't sure with which divisional foe has Vick's number.
Baltimore at Tampa Bay. Wrong
I'm going to pretend this game never happened.
Buffalo at New England. Wrong.
The Pats won, but didn't cover.
Cincinnati at Kansas City. Wrong.
This one hurt almost as much as that Trent Green hit. And while I'm on this subject, I wonder if all the Cincinnati fans who bitched about the "dirty" hit on Carson Palmer last year in the playoffs will say anything about the cheap shot given to the Chiefs quarterback.
Denver at St. Louis. Wrong.
Great job by new Rams defensive coordinator Jim Haslet.
New Orleans at Cleveland. Correct.
Let the Bush blow jobs begin.
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee. Correct.
Was there any doubt?
Philadelphia at Houston. Correct.
I wonder who ESPN will suck off more this year? Reggie Bush or Donovan McNabb?
Seattle at Detroit. Wrong.
Wow. I don't now if Detroit played tough or if Seattle just continued sucking at Ford Field.
Chicago at Green Bay. Correct.
I said that I was smelling upset, but the only things "upset" were Packer fans. Good thing I try not to follow my nose.
Dallas at Jacksonville. Wrong.
Good game. Bad pick.
San Francisco at Arizona. Correct.
That late 49er field goal made quite an impact on this week's pick 'em contest.
Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants. Correct.
I don't know where I saw the Mannings more -- on the field or in the commercials.
Minnesota at Washington. Correct.
One of the few upset picks I got right.
San Diego at Oakland. Correct.
My favorite "Black Hole" fan is the guy in the Vader outfit. If I paid to watch my favorite team put up this big a stinker, I'd wear a mask, too.
Overall score: 9-7. I guess this would get me into the playoffs some years.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 54: Cobain was Murdered
I like the guy, even though I didn’t actually speak to CWM until several years into my TSM posting. He's had an interesting selection of jobs, from his stint as a rugged lumberjack to being able to go to town with a store's slurpee machine (and don't forget about the other perks of working third-shift at a Quickie-Mart). Then there's the gnomes. Lots of gnomes. Oodles and oodles of gnomes. With the recent tensions between Mrs. kkk and our next-door neighbors, I wonder if CWM wouldn't mind taking his show on the road.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• OK, time to see if my Week 3 pickkks were the charm.
Carolina at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
Goddamn point spreads. Who’s the asshole who comes up with this shit? Oh, nevermind.
Chicago at Minnesota. Incorrect.
See my above post. I thought the Vikings would make this a close game, but not this close. Purple faggots.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh. Correct.
Nothing really much to say about this game other than that Shittsburgh fans are about to go into panic mode because the Steelers lost two close games to two teams that posted better regular-season records than they did last year. And it’s not going to get any easier with a game at San Diego after a Week 4 bye. To be fair, the Steelers had every chance to win this game against the Bengals, but that muffed punt return really hurt them. After hearing this play on the radio, my first thought was, “I wonder if Cowher misses Antwaan Randle El right about now." Sure he botched a few punts during his time with the Steelers, but he also broke a few for big plays.
Green Bay at Detroit. Correct.
OK, this exercise in futility isn’t funny anymore. I don’t know who will feel worse: Detroit at season’s end or the one or two teams who will probably get upset by the Lions this year.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis. Correct.
Remember what I said about the point spreads in the Carolina/Tampa Bay contest? I take that all back. Jacksonville had possession of the ball for how many minutes in the first half – 25? Damn. And they got beat nevertheless. On a Peyton Manning bootleg.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo. Incorrect.
How many yards rushing and passing did the Bills have over the Jets in this game? [119 yards to 73 and 306 yards to 182.] And they still lost. Figures that I picked them.
Tennessee at Miami. Correct.
Chalk up another point-spread win. And what happened to all that talk during training camp about Daunte Culpepper being unstoppable?
Washington at Houston. Correct.
Boy, what an impressive win. The Redskins should be proud of defeating such an AFC powerhouse. Is Cleveland on their schedule later in the year?
Baltimore at Cleveland. Incorrect.
I guess I could say that due to Cleveland playing the team-that-used-to-be-the-Browns I should have known this game would have been close. But that would have required me to look up past scores, and I’m too lazy for that.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle. Correct.
Poor Emily. He should get his daddy to yell at his receivers for dropping his passes. Actually, I got pissed toward the end when I learned that Seattle let their lead drop to less than 20 points. When you have the chance to lay a beat down on Emily, do so. Please. For the children.
Philadelphia at San Francisco. Correct.
The only thing that surprised me was the lack of McNabb knob-slobbing that took place afterward by Chris Berman and pals.
St. Louis at Arizona. Incorrect.
Two teams I know nothing about (as opposed to the other 30 franchises in the NFL ) playing a game I had no idea who was going to win.
Denver at New England. Incorrect.
Didn’t see the game. Was a bit surprised at the outcome. Denver seems to have the Patriots’ number.
Atlanta at New Orleans. Incorrect.
Hey, props to the Saints for being 3-0. I wonder how much returning to the Superdome really played a factor in this upset win. I might want to pull for this team, but I know that if they get anywhere near the playoffs the sappy media coverage will make me wish for Katrina to make a return to the Deep South.
Overall Score: 7-7. Cumulative Score: 24-22. Hooray for mediocrity +1.
• A few days ago I was ragging on Shittsburgh’s Port Authority because they were, once again, whining about how they would have to raise fares if they didn’t get more tax money to keep their inefficient public transportation system chugging along. In that same entry, I also goofed on how the Allegheny County Council wanted to pass a public smoking ban. Well, as I was driving through this pristine city on the way to pick up the better half from her job, I realized that I probably inhale more exhaust from these busses in a day than I inhale from second-hand smoke in a year. Should a tumor ever develop in my lung, I wonder if I could sue the Port Authority for having their pollution-spewing vehicles closer than 15 feet in front of me? (This proposed countywide smoking ban would prohibit anyone from smoking within 15 feet of businesses.) Hell, since these busses spit out more toxic emissions than my car, I feel they should have to be restricted to their very own road, and that road should also be an enclosed structure so those that choose to ride in these disgusting vehicles have to breathe in their own exhaust. Hey, it’s my right as a motorist not to inhale these toxic vapors; why should I have to end my life early because these lumbering contraptions freely pollute our publicly financed roads? But you know who are hardest hit by this pollution? The children. Well, maybe not mine since I don’t have any, but if I were to have a kkk Jr., he or she would be hardest hit for sure. Hey, if states can sue car manufactures for polluting the environment, why can’t I do the same to our local public officials?
• I don’t care if the way Australian scientists want to curb the growing Koala population is by planting a contraceptive between a female’s shoulder blades; I want to keep the image in my head of these scientists putting condoms on these cuddly bears. Why am I imaging this I have no idea, but it sure scares the hell out of me that I am doing so.
• Now the GOP is really on my shit list – just as I started to get into on-line betting these bitches want to outlaw me from using credit cards, checks and electronic fund transfers to pay my wagers. You guys need to stay out of my bedroom. Well, actually I don’t care if you’re in that room because nothing ever happens there, but don’t you dare set one foot into my computer room.
• I remember when Farm Aid was started it was to try and help small, family owned farms survive; a nice, populist cause if there ever was one. Now these concerts are encouraging us to eat organic shit? Either the original point of Farm Aid has gone away, or Willie Nelson, Neil Young and John Mellencamp have given up. I guess the next evolution of this concert will be to encourage everyone in attendance to write their Congressperson to encourage the banning of trans-fatty foods (unless this has already been done – I’m not hip on the latest goings-on at Farm Aid).
• Good for you Arnold for vetoing this stupid bill that would have given California’s electoral votes to the presidential candidate that gets the most popular votes of the country rather than the actual state itself. We’re not a democracy, we’re a representative republic; it’s not my fault government schools don’t teach this to our youth. Then again, it might be funny to actually let this bill pass because I’d love to see the leftists, who support this idea, backtrack when these 50+ electoral votes go to a Republican candidate rather than to the person running on the Democrat ticket who would be more likely to win this commie state’s popular vote.
I’m almost afraid to see what teams I picked this week after seeing some scores that came out of my kkk Bowl IV contest, but nevertheless on with the show.
Arizona at Atlanta. Correct.
I was sweating a bit when that Cardinals defender returned an interception 99 yards for a touchdown, but then Atlanta scored a whole bunch of points to put me at ease.
Dallas at Tennessee. Correct.
I had hoped Dallas would cover the spread, but I didn’t expect this to be a BUTT-kicking. And regarding Albert Haynesworth, that guy who kicked the Cowboys lineman in the head, I’m still not sure how I feel about his punishment. I think one reason I’m not ready to ban him for life is that there were no permanent injuries resulting from his stupid actions. In addition, the guy did seem repentant afterward. If this had happened in Major League Baseball, the suspension wouldn’t take place until after his 20th appeal was exhausted. As long as Haynesworth admits his mistake, takes his punishment with his mouth shut and stays on the straight-and-narrow, I’m sure many fans will forgive him. (Whether or not the guy who saw his cleats close-up will is another story, and who can blame him if he never forgives Haynesworth?) I heard on the radio today that Haynesworth has had previous anger management issues, and if that’s the case I hope for his sake this is the wake-up call that straightens himself out.
Indianapolis at N.Y. Jets. Incorrect.
Even though I don’t agree with that fourth-down play to try and score a touchdown instead of kicking a field goal to take a three-point lead on the Colts, I have to give the Jets props – they’re playing a lot better than I thought they would this year.
Miami at Houston. Correct.
I felt this could be a close game/upset, and I was right. Even teams like the Texans have to win one or two games every season.
Minnesota at Buffalo. Incorrect.
I also felt this could be a close game/upset, and I was wrong. Bummer. At least the game was close.
New Orleans at Carolina. Correct.
The Saints may have lost the battle, but they won the point-spread war. And in the end that’s all that really matters to me.
San Diego at Baltimore. Correct.
I’m going to be interested to see how the Steelers play against the Chargers this week. It’s still weird seeing Steve McNair in a Ravens uniform.
San Francisco at Kansas City. Incorrect.
Boy was I off the mark on this one. At least the 49ers kept within the 10-point spread until the opening kickoff.
Detroit at St. Louis. Correct.
Four weeks in and I still have no read on the Rams. On the other hand, even a high-school aged Mike Singletary can get a read on what kind of team the Lions are going to be this year.
Cleveland at Oakland. Incorrect.
Missed this prediction by half-a-stinking point. God do the Raiders suck. At least Cleveland has this lovable “yeah we lose but we try … sometimes” aura to them. The Raiders have no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Jacksonville at Washington. Incorrect.
The hell? I think the Jaguars gave up more points in this game than they have all year. Well, OK, so I’m off by 2 – they still should have won that game, along with covering the spread.
New England at Cincinnati. Incorrect.
Whoops. I’m not sure if New England is that good or if Cincinnati stunk up the joint that much. Say what you will about New England’s business practices, but they win more times than they lose.
Seattle at Chicago. Incorrect.
I was correct in assuming this would be a lopsided game. I was incorrect in predicting which team would show up to play and which one didn’t.
Green Bay at Philadelphia. Correct.
I thought this would be another wrong selection when I went to bed at halftime. The next morning I did a double-take when I saw the final score of this 31-9 contest.
Record this week: 7-7. Cumulative Record: 31-29.
Well, at least I’m not sub-.500 … yet.
• I listen to Glenn Beck’s radio show every now and then from 10-11:30 a.m. in my market (about 2-3 times per week at the most). I guess I have to be in a certain mood for him; God knows what that mood is, though. Every Friday during the NFL season his show spends an hour doing this gimmick called “Moron Trivia.” What they do take a football game scheduled for that week (today it was Seattle at St. Louis), call several convenience store workers from both cities and ask them some current events questions. Whichever city gets the most correct answers from their clerks “wins” the contest, and more times than not what city’s team ends up winning the game. Basically, this is like those Jaywalking segments on “The Tonight Show” or that “Street Smarts” program. Did I mention that I hate these shows? Whenever these “let’s ask stupid people questions so we can all laugh at them” skits sprout up, I generally go “eh” and change the television channel or radio station. For some reason I was listening to “Moron Trivia” today, and one of the questions he asked these Quickie-Mart workers depressed me for some reason. The question was, “The stock market recently a) hit a record high, b) hit a record low, c) is another example of failure by the Bush administration or d) [something about John Kerry – I can’t remember what it was]. The convenience store clerks guessed that the stock market hit a record low. Now do you see why I don’t mind it when the mindless masses don’t bother voting? Seeing how most of these places have several newspapers that get stocked on a daily basis, I find it laughable that these people don’t even bother to read these publications; lord knows I did during my tenure at this job. (The other “Moron Trivia” questions for this segment was “What number month is October?” “North Korea recently launched what?” and “Who is Corey Lidle?”)
• Speaking of Corey Lidle, I got sick of hearing how he crashed his plane into a New York City building five minutes after hearing this story when it first broke. Yeah, it’s a shame and all that shit, but who gives a fuck if he played professional baseball? I guess if Joe Smith, an architect who recreationally flew planes, smashed into a building it wouldn't have been as big a deal. Talk about East Coast bias.
• Then again, maybe this is George Steinbrenner’s new way of dumping salary.
• Thanks to the mainstreamliberalpress, we are seeing Republicans get hammered for hitting on pages, accepting bribes and other types of bad stuff. Well, Medium-Large Media, where’s your outrage over this? We can’t have 61-year old men beating up people who oppose the grizzly practice of murdering the unborn and are, uh, dressed in cockroach costumes while at the ... Kansas State Fair. Man is election night going to suck this year.
• So Kathie Gifford is going to play Miss Hannigan in some hippie “Annie” musical. I’m sure there’s a sweatshop joke to be made somewhere in there, but it’s a Friday and I’m running on fumes.
• While kids in urban areas have to deal with drive-bys and life in the ghetto, their more rural counterparts have to deal with haircut rage. Uh, OK. How about if someone pisses you off you just stab them with the scissors instead of trying to take a little bit off the top?
• Wow. There are a bunch of gems in the latest batch of “odd” stories pile tonight. Last one, I promise. Although I have done a number of things to a customer's order during my days in the food-service industry, I have never peed in someone's soft drink. Now doing such a thing while off the clock? Well, um, I just hope the statue of limitations for that sort of thing has a short shelf life.
I generally send any FWD’s that end up in my mailbox straight to the trash. However, whenever there’s some stupid test/survey/etc. I sometimes complete it just for shits and giggles. This one showed up in my inbox today.
Yay. Without further ado, here we go.
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night
Well, I used to be a night owl during my college days, but now that I wake up at 5 a.m. I must say that the early evening is when I shine.
You usually walk…
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly
I’m six-foot so I have to go with long steps. I also generally walk faster than most.
3. When talking to people you…
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
Now that I think about it, I have to say that for some reason I tend to touch/rub my chin a lot.
4. When relaxing, you sit with…
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
I sometimes do the one leg curled thing if I’m fiddling with the home computer, but generally my legs are stretched out.
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
Chuckle, mostly because something has to be really funny to get a laugh out of me. What is it that makes me laugh? Well, there's the handicapped...
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
I’m so a “look around and cling to a familiar face” person at these kind of events.
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
Due to the limited choices I have to say it varies. I normally don’t mind, but I don’t “welcome” the interruption. One of my philosophies is try not to get annoyed at these instances because one day I’ll be the interrupter and wouldn’t want someone to get pissy over me asking them a quick question about something or other.
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) Black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
When I was a kid, it was red. As I got older it was dark blue. Now it’s black. I don’t know why.
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
This is a routine I do often. I start out stretched on my back. I then do the head on one arm until the only thing on me that falls asleep is that particular limb. I then stretch out face down on my stomach before finally ending up on my left side, slightly curled.
10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
Other than that “Grudge” incident, I can’t recall a dream I’ve had in at least the past six months.
Well, that was it. After adding up the points each of my specific answers had, I was placed in the following category.
Well, this just proves something I’ve known for quite some time.
Dr. Phil is an idiot.
A Target recently opened next to my grocery store of choice, and the better half and I stop in there once a month or so to pick up her prescription that makes sure kkk jr.’s don't make their way into this world. Before heading over to the pharmacy, she stopped at a Starbucks mini-store inside this place. Seeing how it takes 10 minutes for these people to make one cup of anything, I plopped down on a nearby chair and stared off into space. This Target cashier chick who was sitting at a table next to mine had to have been on her break and was playing with her cell phone. She then began telling the chick making Mrs. kkk’s coffee about some new feature on this phone. Afterward, she started talking about how she needs to get pumpkin pie filling and evaporated milk before she leaves work today because tomorrow she doesn’t work or have to go to school and she is going to spend all day making pumpkin pies with her mom because this is the only time they’ll be able to do such a thing because she has to either work or go to school each day for the rest of the week and possibly next week and that she hasn’t made pumpkin pie or baked anything for the longest time and that she already has one can of pumpkin pie filling that has been on her mom’s counter for like TWO WEEKS and that she just hasn’t had time to bake and tomorrow is the only time for the rest of the week and possibly the next week that she’ll have to spend this quality time with her mom like she used to back when she didn’t have so many responsibilities and she hasn’t baked or had a slice of pumpkin pie in such a long time…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Oh for fuck’s sake someone load up a gun and put me out of my misery. Normally I can tolerate stupid co-worker banter, but not when it’s as retarded as this. At least when I had conversations with my fellow cashiers, I talked about stuff worth listening to. One line that really drew the ire of some old bitch back in the Quickie Mart days took place during that whole Susan Smith story – you know, that woman who drove her kids into a lake and then later said she was carjacked by some black guy. Anyway, this was during the time her scumbag defense team was trying to defend her using some bullshit excuse (probably molestation; I can’t remember what it was) and I said to my fellow cashier, “You know, why is it whenever a mom kills her kids these psychology experts want us to understand why she did it and how we’re supposed to show sympathy and understanding, but yet whenever there’s the slightest mention of a deadbeat dad in the media you have to beat these same feminazis back with a stick?” Although that aforementioned woman who I didn’t see standing in one of the snack aisles wasn’t amused by this remark, the guy at the coffee machines found it funny as hell – and if I can’t make at least half of my customers walk out of the store feeling better than when they did coming in, then what good am I?
Back to Target. After I had enough of this gab, I started talking out loud to Mrs. kkk at the same volume this chick had been talking to the Starbucks cashier. Honey, are we getting our pumpkins for Halloween tonight from Giant Eagle or tomorrow and if we are then when are you going to carve them and if you do are you going to roast the pumpkin seeds like you do every year and if you do are you going to bake them in multiple flavors like you did last year I really liked the cinnamon ones you tried although the garlic ones were a bit too strong but you can’t beat the ones with just plain old salt hey if you do carve out the pumpkins this year what designs are you planning on I really liked the one of the haunted house you did last year by the way are you still using the same book of design ideas or did you get a new one this year I can’t remember hey are you going to make more of those cinnamon pumpkin seeds because I really liked them last year and are you going to use candles or some other source of lighting…
It was about this time when Mrs. kkk paid for her coffee and told me to get the hell up. Well at least I didn’t have to hear about any more fucking pumpkin pie filling.
And when grocery shopping finally commenced, we were in the foreign food aisle, which is just a fancy way of selling you overpriced crap. As the better half looked at a bottle of Chinese (yeah, right) orange glaze, she asked, “If you pour this over some meat, do you think you could make “Orange Beef”? At least the comment I made afterward didn’t result in the smack I received being one that caused any bruising. At least not yet.
• So John Kerry, who at one time served in Vietnam, recently said the following to some students.
Later on he said he was talking about the Bush Administration or something and that this line was nothing more than a botched joke. Botched joke? Well, I did find it rather funny. And for all the commies saying, “But he was talking about Bush and not the troops; stop being such a smear merchant,” shut the fuck up. Just grin and bear it – that’s what I do a lot of the time when W. opens his mouth. I must say that for as funny as Kerry’s remark was, it wasn’t as good as Dick Turban’s comment a while back about how not having enough air conditioning on (or turning it up too much) in a suspected terrorist’s cell was just like how the Nazis did their business back in the day.
Awesome.
But now I'm starting to wonder if this whole thing wasn't pre-mediated. All day I've been hearing about how Democrats are now saying they don't want him attending their campaign rallies, and a few are even adding that his remarks were stupid and that he should apologize. Among those Democrats saying this are senatorial candidates in close races in Tennessee and Montana. Hmmm. Have some commie lib make a stupid remark and let those Dems in close elections try to show that they actually like this country by dissing their Vietnam hero, thus drawing some moderate fence-sitters onto their side in next week's elections. I actually have to applaud the mastermind who came up with this plan. Good job.
One final note. If Kerry really wanted to bring the house down, he would have substituted "end up in Iraq" with "end up waiting for the government to rescue you from an approaching hurricane with school buses that will never leave the nearby parking lot."
• While I’m in a political mood, here is reason #3240 why I hate polls. Last night I was flipping through channels and saw CNN with their recent poll showing Bob Corker, the Republican senatorial candidate in Tennessee, with an 8-point lead. A few seconds later, I saw on MSNBC that Harold Ford Jr., the Democrat candidate from the same state, had a 4-point lead.
• There’s a local race in my neck of the woods that has gotten rather amusing. There’s this Republican chick, Melissa Hart, battling some commie faggot, and this race is pretty close. The commie has started airing ads on the local RIGHT-WING RADIO station and is pimping the fact that MELISSA HART votes with GEORGE W. BUSH AND RICK SANTORUM 98 PERCENT OF THE TIME. Uh, OK. The commie faggot then adds that he SUPPORTS INCREASING THE MINIMUM WAGE. Uh, OK. Also, the liberal fishwrap known as the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette endorses this commie faggot. Talk about ad money well spent. Oh and in this ad there was also something about Hart RAIDING THE SOCIAL SECURITY TRUST FUND. I always get a good laugh whenever that line is whipped out.
• Ha. Drew Brees’ mom is running for some judge position and is using her son in her ads. The son wants these ads pulled. And their relationship “crumbled” when she wasn't hired to be his agent. Oy.
• So the Miami Heat won last year’s NBA title, and how do they start the new season? By losing to the Chicago Bulls 66-108. Oh well, even they would have lost 107-108 it still counts as one loss.
Well this is great. Since 1996 I have always been nervous about each national election, whether it be presidential or mid-term. I kept thinking in each of these elections that the GOP would lose all of their congressional seats and get clobbered in the White House contest. Each time I have been proven wrong for the most part. In ’96 I knew Dole was going to lose, but I was surprised Republicans kept both the House and Senate. In ’98 I predicted the GOP would lose seats in Congress, and they did. However, the losses weren't as bad as I was expecting. In fact, I actually felt kinda smart because the conventional wisdom was that Republicans would gain seats. Then there was the 2000 election – heh. Thank you far-sighted Jews too stupid to properly vote via punch card. I was predicting in the 2002 election that the GOP would lose seats, which is what normally happens when the President’s party is in power during an off-year election. Wrong-o. Then there was 2004. Bush’s re-election. Republican House. Republican Senate. Each election I was expecting the worst, and each time I was proven wrong.
So now, for the first time since I became eligible to vote, I express some confidence that Republicans won’t lose majorities in the House and Senate (I don't expect them to gain seats; my head isn't that far up my ass) and every poll and pundit out there is telling me to prepare for the worst. Figures.
• Here’s reason #2310 why I don’t subscribe to the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette. As I was trying to find some information about local races, I came across this gem of an editorial regarding John Kerry’s recent, “Don’t study in school and you'll end up in Iraq fighting off insurgents,” remark. Now I’m not surprised that the PG came to Kerry’s defense. That’s totally understandable. Here is how the editorial started out:
OK, now I'm a bit skeptical on whether or not Mr. Kerry served in Vietnam (I need to get verification of that rumor), but for the most part, there is nothing earth-shattering so far with this editorial. Then I came to this:
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is why I look to the “Opinion” section of a newspaper for my funnies and toss the comics aside.
• So I was at this hotel for my workplace’s quarterly board meeting today, and what group is sharing the same building as me? The National Society of Black Engineers. The fuck? One thing I learned today is that black engineers sure like to talk on their cell phones. Oh, and that black engineers sure like to dress professionally. For a second I thought I was in a courtroom and seated directly behind the defendant’s chair. Say, with all these black engineers, maybe Louis Farrakhan contracted this group to blow up the New Orleans levies just so he can blame it on Halliburton. Hmm, I may be on to something here. Oh, and what’s the only thing better than being an asshole? Being an asshole to your boss with the Board of Directors of your workplace present. Of course, if you were being an asshole and your boss’ name was “Dick,” then you might be in trouble, but that’s not the case with the two idiots that sign my paychecks.
• Last night I was fiddling with Comcast’s On-Demand service and decided to watch a childhood classic: Red Dawn. I almost forgot how great this movie was. WOLVERINES! Whenever those commies invade, all you pansy-ass anti-NRA types will sure regret wanting to take away my side’s guns. Then again, you probably won’t because all you types will be welcoming the enemy on your knees. When I saw this as a kid I totally missed the “Thanks to gun registration files my comrades can find and kill all the law-abiding U.S. citizens that own firearms and could give us trouble” angle. Now that I’m older and realize how the one-world government wants to eliminate all forms of individuals protecting themselves, I can now fully appreciate this cinematic masterpiece. Oh, and then there was that whole issue of high school kids wiping out platoons of Cubans and Russians with rocket launchers and special ops-caliber strategies. So the commies are smart enough to spring a surprise attack across the United States but yet are no match for a handful of crazy teens? Yeah, but these kids were in a red state. Well, except for that fag who swallowed that tracker-device thing – I’m willing to bet him and his bitch-ass old man moved in from California or something.
• While I’m on the topic of WOLVERINES, did you see Ohio Sate/Michigan today? OMG GAME OF THE CENTRUY! Actually, I didn’t watch this game, nor do I give a shit. Well, maybe I do a little bit because it had two extremely good rival teams playing against each other. After seeing the ESPN highlights, I started hearing the “OMG REMATCH” talk. Hey, fags, I thought the beauty of a playoff-less college football game is that every game is like a playoff; one loss and you’re out. So quit this “rematch” shit, because if the regular season was REALLY like a playoff, then Michigan is out in the semi-finals. I don’t know if there’s another undefeated team besides the Buckeyes, nor do I care. I was hoping Louisville would go undefeated just so some hippie Big East team could then get the shit kicked out of them in the BcS Championshit game. That way the national sports media can go “OMG Why isn’t Michigan in a rematch?” Because Louisville was undefeated and Michigan wasn’t, you bitches. Yet another reason I don’t take college football all that seriously.
Well it’s that time of the year again. Time to give thanks. Time for family. Eh. I’m giving thanks I don’t give a shit about my family. Mom came over Sunday. She just graduated from Jesus school and is going to do God-knows-what. Hey, I made a funny. I don’t hate her or anything – it’s just that we were never really close. She spent the 1980s and 1990s working and going to night school, and I spent that time with baby sitters and latch keys. I think part of this is the reason why family doesn’t mean that much to me. Then again, it could also be because my family is fucking insane, but then again most families are. That’s what makes them families. My old man, well, I haven’t spoken to him in about a year-and-a-half since the wedding. I don’t really know what happened to cause this so-called “rift,” but I have an idea as to what caused it.
It was three Thanksgivings ago, and I already my Turkey Day itinerary lined up for a week. First it was an early afternoon stop at the future in-laws. Later on that day, I had a restaurant dinner set up with the old lady. She was in Ohio at the time and stopped by the Shittsburgh region to see me (God knows why) and some other people she knows around here. I was supposed to meet her around 4 p.m. She called me a week or two before Thanksgiving, and I jotted her down in my ever-so-filled social calendar. Then it happened. The night before Thanksgiving, I get a call from the old man and asks if I want to go to his house for turkey day. That’s where it all went downhill.
You see, my parents have been divorced for more than 20 years now, and my policy of who gets what holiday with me (you’d figure they’d fight over who doesn’t have to spend holidays with me) was first-come first-serve. This rule was used often when I lived away from Shittsburgh, especially when I took up residence in Ohio for a few years. If one parent called and asked if they could stop over for a holiday, my time is booked. Several times my old man called me before the old lady for a Christmas visit or something similar, and I would tell my mom that “dad already beat you to it.” She’d understand and come over another time. Well, this Thanksgiving was the first time I had to bump dad off the list. You see, he lives more than one hour away, and I wasn’t about to cut my mom’s time short from her Thanksgiving visit. I was going to be at the future in-laws from 1 p.m. to about 3 p.m. Then it was time to see the old lady for a few hours. There was no way I would then drive out for a third Thanksgiving visit. Call me a bad son, and I’ll agree with you. Because of this, the old man now thinks I’m “ignoring” him and I haven’t heard hardly a peep from him in three years. Oh well. I’ve managed to survive thus far without his … uniqueness. Want to know what he’s like? Well, the scary thing is I see a lot of him in me, but there are two major difference. Difference one: I’m not a union Democrat. Difference two: I know I’m full of shit. Other than that, the similarities I see between the two of use downright scares me.
But all this was three years ago. Tomorrow it’s just one visit to the in-laws. This will probably be one of the better Thanksgivings I’ve experienced over there, considering the crack-whore sister-in-law probably won’t be in attendance. The first year she decided to “show us” and not arrive was one of the better Thanksgiving encounters I experienced. The highlight was when the crack-whore called in the middle of dinner to ask if someone would drive her to the laundromat. Of course, she had NO idea that we were eating at the time. No, she just called at the same time that her family has had this annual dinner since, well, forever. This year should be even better because the crack-whore’s out-of-control teen daughter will probably be away, too. The reason? She’s fighting with the mother-in-law and was recently caught lying, which is resulting in the mother-in-law taking this chick off of her auto insurance, or some shit like that. Ever since this fight, which took place a week ago, this chick hasn’t been back home (she “lives” with my mother-in-law because, well, her mom’s a crack whore). Anyway, this self-imposed exile will probably mean I don’t have to put up with her presence.
Hey, maybe I do have something to be thankful for this year.
• You know what’s offensive about the whole Kramer-saying-the-n-word-at-a-nightclub story? Not Kramer saying naughty words. The “offended’ audience members wanting money for the whole thing. And is it any shock that bottom-feeder Gloria Allred is representing the plaintiffs?
Wait a second, Kramer apologized to Jesse Jackson and Poo-face? Were they in the audience, too? N*ggas plz.
• I’m in a bit of a pickle. You see, I’ve been called many things in my life – asshole, sexist, Jew, fag, bad tipper. And those are some of the nicer labels thrown at me. Another title I've earned over the years is “hard to shop for.” If you buy me an article of clothing, I won’t wear it. And other than watching movies, playing video games and listening to music, I really don’t spend disposable income on anything else, and if you try to buy me one of these three things I either already own what you purchased, or I’ll never get around to play/watch/listen to whatever you got. It’s not because I’m some sort of snob, but rather because I’m generally content with my possessions. Yeah, it’s always nice to get more stuff, but I’m not going to go bonkers just because I don’t get latest John Madden football game during its launch date. Actually, I only did this once with the 2003 edition, and I haven’t even purchased the last two Madden games to come out. Anyway, the better half always bitches because she can never figure out what to get me for Christmas or my birthday. Gee, sorry to disappoint you, yet again; at least this time it's out of the bedroom. I’ll try to be more superficial and materialistic next year. Well this year she’s CONVINCED that she got me a gift I’ll never expect. The problem is I already know what it is. It’s the most recent South Park DVD to come out. How do I know this? Elementary. Basically, I saw her looking at it in a Thanksgiving Day circular, and when she said how much money she was getting off the regular price, I did 1+1 and came up with South Park Season 8. So should I be an asshole and tell her that I already know, or should I just keep my mouth shut. Actually, if she really wanted to surprise me she would get those James Bond DVDs that were just released, or Adobe Creative Suite 2 that is for sale at her workplace for just a fraction of its retail price.
And she seems so proud of being able to “stump” me this year.
I seem to remember last year when Katrina was still fresh in everybody’s minds hearing how we were headed to a new generation of hurricanes, thanks to global warming and George W. Bush. Why, they were going to be bigger and badder; super-sized even! Well, now it’s one year later, and where are these uber-hurricanes? Where’s Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in that god-awful annoying-as-fuck voice of his trying to make me feel guilty for driving to work rather than taking a dozen transfers in order to show up at my job after a five-hour commute courtesy of public transportation? Buck up enviro-weenies. There’s always next year.
While I’m on this subject I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. I’ve noticed during the last few years an AccuWeather meteorologist by the name of Joe Bastardi has made a few appearances on Sean Hannity’s radio show, among other places. Having worked at AccuWeather years ago, I’ve been around this guy. Now you may be expecting me to bring up some stories of how he sliced Asian children in half and drank their blood. Not quite. I will say that this guy is a horrible-ass writer. (I know. Pot. Kettle. Black. Fuck you.) Every morning I had to proofread this daily column of his that was posted on AccuWeather’s Web site. Holy fuck. If you people thought I rambled on and on and on and on, don’t EVER read his stuff. It was so bad that when I started working there I was told to just glance through it and just move it along because it wasn’t worth revising. Besides, there were a few hundred other clients that needed worked on, and those were of more importance than “WebJB,” which was the filename of Bastardi’s daily column.
Ha. I just went on Wikpedia and found this. No, I didn’t write it.
Actually, what I really want to bitch about regarding Bastardi was during my final weeks at AccuWeather. My boss knew I was leaving. No, I wasn’t burning any bridges. The better half had just been accepted to the University of Dayton and I let my boss know at least 4-5 months ahead of time that I was going to be leaving. During this time the other copyeditor on my shift got promoted, and the company had just hired this chick to take over her full-time slot. (I was a part-timer and my replacement didn’t get hired until 2-3 months later.) Now we were always busy, and I frequently stayed past my scheduled shift (getting paid, of course) to help her out. One of my selfless acts of charity was to edit WebJB. Every day. Ugh.
Not many women worked at AccuWeather during my time there, and couple that with the fact she wasn’t 300 lbs with five kids, this chick, who just graduated nearby Penn State University, was much more popular with the male meteorologists than I could have ever been. She of course knew this, and we actually had an inside joke going about my status as “phantom” copyeditor. Well, one day Bastardi came over to our station and began showering this chick with praise about what a great job she was doing and how his columns looked great. Never mind the fact I was reading those bastards every fucking day. When I went to ask Joe about a letter to the editor he wrote the other day in the local newspaper, he told me to shut up! You bitch. Needless to say, his WebJB columns weren’t as readable for the rest of my time there.
But I can’t be all that hard on Bastardi. After all, there were many days when he wore sweatpants to work. Respect due.
Well today I had a job interview, and it went as I pretty much expected it to go. Do I anticipate a call from this place in the near future? No, but to tell the truth I never even expected to get called in at all. It’s funny, but for all the places in my life where I hoped for a call back, this was one where I shipped off my resume with the thought, “eh, whatever.” For anyone that has worked at a place where nametags and fryer experience were not necessities, the job interview can be a pretty intimidating place. Then again, a job interview doesn’t seem quite as intimidating when you’re already gainfully employed and have a steady source of legal income coming in.
I went to today’s interview for two reasons. 1) to use up a half-day’s worth of comp time I built up over this current pay period at my current job. 2) to polish my interviewing technique just in case I get called in by a place with a job that I really desire. I don’t want it to seem like I’m dissing the place I interviewed at today; that’s not the case. In fact, I must say that the human resources chick I dealt with at this place has by far been the best at her position at any organization I have ever interviewed at. Not only has she responded to every inquiry and request I had over the past week or two, but also she seemed to genuinely enjoy doing her job. Now I’ll be curious to see how she handles rejected employment candidates. But then again, I’m sure the people I interviewed with in the department that had the vacant employment position will have more to do with the sure-to-be unprofessional way this place handles rejected job candidates.
Like I said above, I treated today’s interview as a steppingstone for later encounters; think of this like a major-league player rehabilitating in the minors. My favorite part of these interviews is when you know you’re not going to be considered and they ask if you have “any questions.” I figure since I’ll never see these people again I might as well have some fun, and today’s encounter was no exception. I especially liked this paraphrased question I threw out, “With my resume in front of you, and with all that you have heard from me so far today, what do you think will be this position’s biggest challenge for me?” Talk about a deer in headlights. These people then talked for about five minutes and didn’t really say anything – kinda like my entries at this place.
I may go into more detail about this interview later, but what I really wanted to talk about was my first “real job” interview. I had recently moved to the State College, Pa., area in 1999 and was full of hope and optimism that I could find a good career- starting job. Boy was I naïve. Anyway, I forget when I first applied to a nearby newspaper called the Altoona Mirror, but it was sometime in the spring. The local minor-league baseball team, the Curve, was looking for a beat writer, and I sent in my resume, samples and all that other stuff. Time went by and nothing happened, but some time later I received a call from a gentleman named Joe Frollo. He was from the Mirror and asked if I would be interested about a copyeditor’s position that his publication was looking to fill. Seeing how I was still without a full-time job I immediately jumped at the opportunity to put my edumacation to good use. (I was working a seasonal third-shift job at a yearbook publishing company, and while I liked this position it wasn’t going to be around forever.)
So what happened at my first “real job” interview? Did I wow my soon-to-be bosses with accurate speling and good grammer? Tune in tomorrow to read the exciting conclusion!
I don’t even remember who won half of these games. This should be interesting.
(2.5) Miami at Detroit. Correct
I remember Detroit playing a good Thanksgiving Day game in previous years, even if they were having a shitty season. They even played well right out of the gate. However, Miami’s in the midst of “wait until next year” mode, when every player will be one year older, slower and more susceptible to injury.
Tampa Bay at Dallas (11.5). Incorrect.
Nuts, I thought I had a sleeper pick when this game first started. I then stopped watching and saw the final score later on. Ew.
Denver at Kansas City (1.5). Correct.
Because I don’t have the NFL Network, I have nothing to say about this one.
Arizona at Minnesota (6.5). Incorrect.
Damnit. Aside from those two freak plays that gave Arizona 14 points (a goal-line fumble return and punt/kick return if memory serves), this would have been a solid win.
(4.5) Carolina at Washington. Incorrect.
I can’t read either one of these teams worth shit.
Chicago at New England (3.5). Correct.
I pulled this win out by the skin of my teeth. I haven’t seen enough of Rex Grossman to pass judgment on whether or not to bench him, but he seemed good enough when the Bears were the talk of the league. I’d let him play through this slump.
(3.5) Cincinnati at Cleveland. Correct.
When Cleveland plays tough they certainly play tough. When the don’t they sure don’t.
Houston at N.Y. Jets (5.5). Correct.
I wonder how the local New York media is treating the Jets head coach now that he’s helped put his team in playoff contention? I heard in training camp/pre-season this guy was not the most media friendly coach in the league, which could spell trouble for a New York-based team if they are performing poorly.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Buffalo. Incorrect.
The Jags are yet another week-to-week team I can’t put my finger on. I guess those losses to Houston weren’t divisional rivalry flukes and part of a bigger problem..
New Orleans at Atlanta (3.5). Correct.
I predicted one of these teams to begin a late-season collapse. I have been looking at the wrong team all along. Then again, I haven’t expected much from the Falcons as of late anyway. And regarding Vick giving the “dirty bird” to booing fans – big deal. I have to wonder though if fans at this game will get Gloria Aldred to sue Vick for offending them?
(3.5) N.Y. Giants at Tennessee. Incorrect.
Ah man. I was on the wrong end of this fourth-quarter collapse. It was still funny anyway.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis (9.5). Correct.
Colts rookie running back Joseph Addai: 24 rushes, 174 yards, 4 touchdowns. I wonder how Edgerrin James likes playing in Arizona? Oh what the heck, I’ll look at his rushing stats for this year: 226 attempts, 695 yards, 3 touchdowns. Oh well, at least he’s paid. Hope he likes putting his body on the line for a bigger paycheck rather than playing for a championship.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (2.5). Correct.
This game pretty much shut everyone up in this area about playoff possibilities.
San Francisco at St. Louis (5.5). Correct.
The 49ers gave up the win, but they didn’t give it up by more than 5.5 points. Good enough for me.
Oakland at San Diego (13.5). Incorrect.
Nuts. The Chargers couldn’t blow the Raiders out twice in a season.
Green Bay at Seattle (10.5). Incorrect.
Damnit. Missed by half-a-point. Oh well.
This week’s record: 9-7.
Cumulative record: 87-89.
Hey, I’m only two games under .500 – Time to get creamed with my Week 13 picks. I just heard on the television that Cleveland has just gone up 7-0. Gulp.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 44: Vyce.
With Canadian Chick in the #45 slot, it’s only natural that this perv creeps up right next to her, even if she may now be a bit too old for his liking. Vyce and I have this special connection, and no it’s not because we spy on all the pre-teen girls in our neighborhoods. (I’m just kidding, we just check out the ones with the hot racks and ghetto booty.) Rather, we are both in professions that we are ideologically opposed to. For me, it’s being a journalism grad. For him, it’s having a law degree. Now while he is a bit more liberal than me on some issues (he sure loves them queers), I don’t think we’ve ever bickered over some current event, so I guess that makes him part of the Conservative Brigade or something, even though he can’t properly pull off my OMG FAUX NEWS shtick. But then again, who can?
And now a word or three from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Lovecraft:
From Cancer Marney:
From SFA Jack:
• While perusing these blogs I’ve noticed a number of “Best of 2006” entries and stuff. This got me the thinking. Being the innovator of ingenious blogging delights, I’ve decided to P. Diddy-ize this idea and add some funk to its trunk. Here’s the deal. I’ll do one of these types of entries, but I want you, my loyal readers, to provide the topics. So in this entry’s comment section, give me what you want “kkk's _____ of 2006” to consist of and I’ll post the results sometime this year whenever I'm too lazy to write a real entry. The “_____ of 2006” can be a “best” or “worst” subject. Also, my answer may not be a subject or event that actually happened this year. For example, if Lovecraft would ask “kkk’s best horror movie of 2006” I would respond “Pumpkinhead.” But kkk, “Pumpkinhead” took place in the ‘80s. I know. But I watched it this year and laughed my ass off at how awful it was. Besides, it was the first horror movie I watched this year that popped in my head, so too bad. So let’s see how well (or awful) this turns out, if at all.
• I heard about this fight between some players from the Denver Nuggets and New York Knicks.I watched some of it on television, and let me say this sure ain’t no Pacers/Pistons. Nobody was even lounging on the scorer's table! Amateurs. Because I generally tune out of the NBA regular season, I thought this would be a good time to see the standings and find out who’s doing what.
You got to be kidding. Boston is in first place in the Atlantic Division with a 10-13 record? The Knicks aren’t in last place (yet)? Without Ben Wallace Detroit is still in first. Orlando’s in first place in the Southeast Division and Atlanta isn’t in last place? Utah is 18-6 and first in the Northwest Division (eh, I guess someone has to win it)? Ah, that’s why everyone sucking the Suns’ collective wang – they’ve won 14 in a row. The Lakers don’t seem to be doing all that bad, either. San Antonio, Dallas and Houston all seem to be doing OK. Damn, Memphis: 5 wins, 19 losses.
There. Now you’re all caught up on the latest NBA news. I'd do the NHL but I'm even more clueless about that league, what with those wacky regular losses, overtime losses and shootout losses.
For the last few years I have done my kkkhristmas shopping for the better half early into the season. Now for the first time in several years I avoided Black Friday and stayed away from those unbeatable deals found in the Sunday circulars. I figured this year I’ll do the shopping the Friday before Jesus' b-day when she’s out at her second job. So here’s a rundown of my thrill-packed day.
My workplace had its yearly holiday party, and for the third straight year I avoided it entirely. Fuck those people. Sorry, but I’m not about to break bread with a good number of these assholes, even if is just for show. If I don’t like you motherfucker I don’t like you, and the holiday season isn’t going to change that. If anything these Jew bastards should be happy they don’t have to spring for another meal at whatever cheap-ass restaurant they decided to hold this year’s lunch. Why am I talking about this? Because when everyone was out at this event, and then to an early exit home, I headed out to deliver some material to a mailing service and then thought I could get my kkkhristmas shopping done. Boy was I wrong.
My first stop was Best Buy. Holy Christ was traffic awful. In hindsight I should have known better because this shopping center is horribly laid out. I’ve stopped by this area before when I didn’t feel like going right back to work after dropping off my monthly mailing service parcels, but these times were during the non-holiday season. I should have known better, but whatever. After finally getting into Best Buy, I discovered that the store was ransacked and the shelves were nearly bare. Hell, I didn’t even know what I wanted to get the better half. However, I just spent 30 minutes in gridlock, so I HAD to get something. Let’s see, she has been nagging me about seeing the Underworld sequel. There we go. While I’m out in this area I might as well check out the nearby Target and Circuit City stores. Shit, nothing in either one of these stores. Might as well get the uber-Narnia 40-disc special edition since it’s only $7 more than the regular 15-disc non-uber-edition. Oh well, it got me out of the office for a few hours. I returned back to work for 10 minutes, finished what I had to and headed home.
On my way home from work I was stopped at a red light at a shitty intersection where the stop lights fuck the traffic up even worse than it would normally be. Hmm, there’s a Wal-Mart nearby, but it’s usually filled with black people. No joke: This store supposedly has one of the highest rates of theft in the region, and it was rumored that it would close up shop. Might as well give it a shot. Jesus Chrst, there are almost as many old/fat people in the store with those scooter devices than there are cars in the parking lot. LOL – this kid is yelling “I have to go potty” and the rest of the young’ins in this clan (3-4 more, at least) are now yelling the same thing with the parents about ready to have a meltdown. And I’ll say this about black people and shopping carts – they’re almost as bad driving those things as they are with their cars. And they aren’t insured driving either one. Or am I thinking about Mexicans? I spent about five minutes in this shithole and high-tailed it out of there. So it’s still been more than a year since I have actually purchased anything at Wal-Mart. It’s not that I’m a Wal-Mart hater. I'm an under-class hater, and Wal-Mart has plenty of them. Then again, going into one of these stores can make you feel much better about yourself, or it will sadden you seeing your fellow man in such pathetic condition. I guess it depends on what your mood is at the time. For me, seeing Wal-Mart customers is an uplifting experience, especially the ones with multiple kids who are waddling up and down the aisles complaining about the prices.
The rest of my trip home was uneventful, although the shitty weather, coupled with the holiday traffic, made driving for the entire day an adventure. Fortunately, I got home in one piece. I listened to some phone messages, did a few household odds and ends, and then got ready for my second excursion of kkkhristmas shopping. But now we’ll be in my (red)neck of the woods. My stomping grounds. My people. Whenever I make my rounds with retail shopping in this area, it consists of driving out to the mall/Best Buy because they are the farthest stores away from me. I then hit all the other stores on the way back home. First was the mall. Why do I even bother going to this place? None of these stores do anything for me. I don’t buy clothes or jewelry, so that wipes out at least half of the merchants there right off the bat. Hey, I’ll walk into Spencer’s and look at all the crap that I’ll never buy. What’s funny about Spencer’s is that I always see these teen-agers hanging out, but then there are always one or two old normal-looking patrons who are in the sex-card/humor section of the store. Heh. Well, I’m at the mall, I might as well buy some way over-priced calendars of kittens. Next year is coming up and we need calendars. And they’re kitties. Sure I can get them at half-price elsewhere, but I’m already here and getting a free look at the cashier’s rack. One sixteen-month calendar and a one-a-day calendar. They cost HOW much? Oh what the hell, it’s kkkhristmas.
As I’m typing, my female cat Dessa is taking a shit in the computer room’s litter box. How the hell can cats, after squeezing out a few logs, put their noses just centimeters away from their steaming fecal matter? Gag. Now she’s trying to cover up her load by scratching the nearby wall – USE THE LITTER. THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR! Oh, and this odor is going to linger for a while. Say, what better time to bring this entry to a close on such a riveting cliffhanger? But don't worry, tomorrow we'll have the exciting conclusion to tonight’s kkkhristmas shopping excursion.
In every family there is at least one sect that gives gifts that make you say “WTF?” And I don’t mean “WTF” in terms of fruitcake or some other equally lame gift. I know I’ve talked about Mrs. kkk’s side of the family on more than one occasion and discussed how some branches of her family tree are … unique. However, there is this couple that I legitimately can’t stand. I know I’ve mentioned them before, but for those who haven’t had the opportunity to learn about this happy family from Day 1, here’s a recap:
Mrs. kkk’s one cousin married some near-toothless Mexican who already has several kids from a previous marriage that he does shit with. Both were part-time janitors when they decided to have kids. There’s one problem: the Mexican is sterile, so they went to the clinic to knock the chick up via turkey baster. Please keep in mind that by now they have already claimed bankruptcy once and collect welfare, among other wonderful gimmies from the government. Because kid number one was such a joy, they decided to have another test-tube baby. Oh, and these welfare pros have purchased their own house and have a new car. All on a part-time janitor’s salary. Oh, and the wife works for the State as a “maid.” She gets paid to “clean up” half of her aunt’s house. What she actually does is sit down and watch TV all day. Why did I say “half of her aunt’s house”? Well because another relative is supposed to clean up the other half.
While I was over my old man’s house the day before Christmas, the better half went to her aunt’s house, where she ran into this happy family of four. What did they give Mrs. kkk for a Christmas gift? A picture of her car from when it was near-totaled a few years back from some bitch in a SUV plowing into her from behind. Oh, and we got the latest installment of this family’s “newsletter.” Every word/space/etc. has been faithfully restored, except for the text in bold. The names have been changed to protect the pathetic. Or am I just saying that and the names are indeed real? Either way, enjoy.
Well, 2006 is almost at an end and many people go out to celebrate the upcoming new year. I am not one of those people. New Year’s Eve never appealed to me, especially with all the drunken idiots out there. For years the better half and I have just stayed home and watched some movies. Speaking of movies, I saw “Glory Road” the other day. It was there. If you liked “Remember the Titans” (and I did), and if you like college basketball, then you’ll like “Glory Road.” One thing I never understood about these kinds of films – why is it the whites always end up acting like the black people in order to be “cool”? Fuck that shit. Us crackers can get down with the jiggiest of them. Well, OK, maybe not. But our hair isn’t as nappy. Yeah. Where was I? Oh, yeah. New Year’s Eve.
This is the time of year that many people reflect upon their lives and vow to make drastic changes to supposedly improve themselves. Like the December 31 partygoers, I am not one of these people. However, last year I did make resolution to start putting money away. After spending the last few years buying a house and paying for my wedding, it was time to build up that nest egg. Then earlier this year the better half told me that her financial problems were out of control. Since then I have taken control of the household finances, and so far we’re a little less than half-way to paying off her credit card debt, which isn’t too bad, considering she went through an employment change this year and for a little more than three months was making considerably less than she had been. Other than this issue, I don’t see any problems on the horizon for ’07. Hopefully, this debt I talked about can get erased by the end of 2007, but if it takes until early ’08 then I will be more than content.
Getting back to New Year’s Eve. I’m trying to think back to any wacky stories that I was involved in on previous December 31sts, but all that I’m coming up with were a few years when, as a kid, I went all-night bowling with my old man and some other people – a step-brother one year, a few friends the next, some people that I never saw before. Each time the old man got pissed off over something stupid and the night usually ended up with someone screaming or one of our “guests” destroying property (one kid bowled a ball into a plant container – don’t ask). There was another year, when I was of college age, when me and a few friends got stood up by this one chick who was supposed to give us directions to this party she was at, but instead she got drunk and forgot about us (or at least that’s how the story went). Hell, for the big 2000 celebration, I was living at Sappy Valley and watched the festivities in my apartment because Mrs. kkk was at her part-time food-service job. Even if she didn’t have to work that night, it really wouldn’t have mattered because I had to go to my job a few hours afterward for my 3-11 a.m. shift. That morning’s work was interesting because a graphic artist discovered that our organization wasn’t “Y2K” compliant. It wasn’t a big deal – some automated forms were dated 1/1/1900 rather than 1/1/2000, but it was still good for a laugh.
Well, that’s about it for 2006. See you all NEXT YEAR LOL2006(7)~!!!!!
10 p.m.
• I actually thought about saying this at my wedding just for a joke. Good thing I didn't or I wouldn't be alive today to tell this story. Then again I'm sure other people are saddened I didn't open my mouth for once.
8 p.m.
• It's official. Bill Cowher is no longer coaching the Steelers.
I'm sure there's some behind-the-scenes stuff going on, but this is probably as good-natured a departure as you're going to get in the NFL. I've talked about Cowher before, and while I contend the Steelers underachieved in regards to only reaching the Super Bowl twice under his tenure despite quite a few Conference Championship games, I have always thought him to be great at what he does. Sure there were quite a few big games where the other team's coach outclassed him in preparation and execution (New England in '05 comes to mind), but I'm sure any football fan would gladly endure all that heartbreak rather than look forward to that top draft pick year in and year out. I will add that I didn't like the fact he started Ben Roethlisberger in this season's Raiders contest after getting knocked out of a game the week before. Sure Roethlisberger play terrible and threw a few interceptions that were run back for touchdowns, but I didn't care about that; I was concerned for his health. That aside, I hope Cowher enjoys his time off. He's earned it. Oh, and from an August entry:
5:30 p.m.
• Just came back from the eye doctor, who dilated my pupils. Looking at the computer screen is ... interesting. Oh man, I am so on drugs right now. So what magazine was I looking at while in the waiting room? Highlights Magazine, baby. It's been years since I looked at a Goofus and Gallant cartoon. WTF happened? When I was a kid these cartoons had realistic drawings and funny escapades.
Now they're in color, look retarded and have stupid lines like. "Goofus slouches. Gallant sits up straight."
Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Goofus is cool.
8:30 a.m.
• Damn National Guard. Always getting in the way of migrant workers wanting to pick lettuce.
• And while I'm talking about south of the border.
Then at the end of the article I read this.
How about respecting that border thingy that separates the U.S. from your shithole of a country?
