KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 53: Banky/The Winter of my Discontent/A Catholic/Memoirs of an Invisible Chevy/Etc.
While this guy has ruffled more than a few feathers at this place, I’ve grown to like Banky (or whatever he’s calling himself this week). When I first started reading his posts, I was asking myself who was this silly goose. I soon then began to enjoy his sense of humor, even though he doesn't care too much for kitties. And here's yet another reason why my three are kept indoors.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• The big story yesterday was Terrell Owens (allegedly) overdosing on pills in a suicide attempt. Or did he? I have no clue, nor do I care. I am not an Owens-hater, and I have said before that many of theatrics amuse me. He may be a cancer in his team’s locker room, but I’m not part of that team, so I don’t care what he does. The only thing I had a problem with regarding his behavior was when he threw a fit one year into being a Philadelphia Eagle. I sympathize with NFL players and their desire to be paid what they think they’re worth. After all, unlike other sports such as basketball and baseball, NFL players don’t have guaranteed contracts. Sure there’s that signing bonus thing, but if an owner can cut a player because they’re due the money agreed to in a contract, then a player can hold out for more cash if they out-perform that same piece of paper. My problem with Owens and what he did while with the Eagles was that he agreed on a hefty contract the YEAR BEFORE acting like a diva. This wasn’t some Pro-Bowl caliber, fourth-year player making a few hundred grand and wanting to set himself up for life; Owens had agreed on a seven-year, $49 million contract with a $10 million signing bonus when he went to the Eagles; couldn't he have at least waited until year three of his contract, or when the Eagles won the Super Bowl, to ask for more money?
• Well, I stand corrected. You know how whenever some hippie whines about how America sucks, the typical right-wing response is, “If you don’t like it here, then git’ out.” Well, someone finally did. And to Cuba, no less. Now the balance of people coming to the U.S. and those leaving for Cuba is starting to level out, what with hundreds of thousands (probably millions) coming over and one exiting. And even this one who left the States wasn't doing so for Castro's free health care or rice cookers – it was for poon.
• This is odd.
I thought being a sniveling, spineless piece of shit was one of the job requirements to being U.N. Secretary-General.
• The Republican Party is going to hold its 2008 Convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul – the only state that voted for Mondale in ’84. Well, I guess that’s still better than having your convention in Cleveland.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This is one of those instances when a couple in peril calls into the show – why oh why do these people agree to this sort of thing? The woman is 41, the man is 43. They have been dating for a few months or a year, depending on which person you ask. Both have been in previous abusive relationships, and both are afraid of what happens to each of them when they get into a fight; these people feel that whenever they get into an argument they act like they did when they were with their previous significant others. When asked to give an example of what happens to one of these "abused" people, the guy says the following. “Whenever we get into a fight while driving, I push her out of the car, drive away and leave her there to walk home.”
• Allegheny County executive board members (or whatever these people are called) have just passed a public smoking ban that is awaiting a signature from County Chief Executive President Dan Onorato. Here’s what I don’t get about this whole anti-smoking crusade. If puffing cancer sticks is so bad for you (and I’m not saying that it isn’t), then let’s just outright ban these things. I’m not a smoker. Never have been; never will. Well, there were a few times I would light up a Swisher Sweet during my college days, but that was because I needed something to keep me awake while I drove home from 16+ hours worth of work and classes. That Swishers’ tangy taste and aroma helped keep me alert enough so that I didn’t veer off the road and crash into a building. Other than that, I have never touched a cigarette/cigar. (I did consume chewing tobacco one night while drunk, but that’s another story for another time.) Cigarettes are a tax on the stupid, and if you want to smoke them, that’s your choice. I also think it should be the choice of business owners to decide for themselves whether or not to make their establishments a smoking or non-smoking facility. Yeah, I’ve heard the anti-smoking Gestapo say that a bar’s owner is putting the health of his or her customers and employees at risk. Patrons can frequent somewhere else, and employees can get another job. There’s a scale I use that measures how much freedom people should be allowed to have and how much regulation is required for “the greater good.” This issue of letting private businesses decide on giving them the choice of whether to be a smoking or non-smoking facility, or if Big Brother “knows what’s best” and forbids any kind of smoking in a business’ vicinity can play a role in whether or not I determine how much of a commie somebody is. Now if you think Big Brother “knows what’s best” in this situation, don't worry; I won’t necessarily label you a commie for this alone. I do see the other point of view in this debate; I just disagree with it. (By the way, if there is ever a law to outright ban tobacco, I wouldn't complain. Well that is other than knowing that "fat taxes" will be used to replace cigarette taxes, which will be gone as a result of banning tobacco products.)
The best part of this above-mentioned story is that smoking will be allowed to take place in a casino which will soon be sprouting up in the region. Now wait a second. I’ve never been to a casino, nor do I care to, but I’ve seen enough on television to know that quite a few people can fit into one of these places. And yet it’s OK to smoke HERE?! I’m striking up a local tone here because our piece of shit governor Edward Rendell thinks that the state will be better off if we allowed casinos to set up shop in Pennsylvania. My opinion on this matter is mostly indifferent. I don’t care if they get built, but then again I’m not a restaurant owner that will probably get screwed over if a casino gets built next to my business. But Fast Eddie is acting like these casinos will single handedly rejuvenate the state. It’s not. But by the time the idiots who support this initiative realize this, Swindell would already be out of office and headed toward greener pastures.
• Keeping up with the Nanny-State theme, I give this three years before the health Nazis try this sort of shit to Middle America. I can’t wait to see the excuses as to why we’re all a bunch of fatties when fast-food restaurants get banned. By the way, the government is all about limiting our choices for health reasons; hence smoking bans and soon-to-be “fat” bans. But why is it there’s one choice out there that actually kills life and is seemingly untouchable? *whistles and walks away*
• You know, if The Onion would write stuff like this...
...I might actually read what they produce. The sad thing about this is that it isn’t satire; it’s nonfiction. And since I’m talking about The Onion, the only thing I ever intentionally laughed at that was written by them was a story about an athlete blaming God for a loss.
• I heard on the radio today that the Pennsylvania Port Authority has fired its Harrisburg-based lobbying group (Harrisburg is PA’s state capital for the geographically challenged) for wasting money. Wow, when the Port Authority thinks you are wasting too much money, you know the situation is bad. And while I’m on this subject, I’ve been hearing rumblings from this bureaucracy that they need more money or else they’ll have to drastically increase fares. Of course, they can’t just get rid of routes that nobody attends or utilize smaller vehicles to take over these unpopulated stops. That would save money, and we sure as hell can’t have that. One solution I’ve heard is to raise the state gasoline tax by 10 cents per gallon. Let me get this straight. Mass transit is out of money. To get more money, Pennsylvania raises the gas tax. Mass transit relies heavily on gasoline. Mass transit has no money. Makes perfect sense to me. While we’re at it, let’s tax tires and vehicle windows.
• There’s a government school in Michigan that invited this German-based choir to sing at their school. However, there was one stipulation. No religious songs. What was this choir named? “Voices of Heaven.” And people wonder why I call these institutions “government” schools.
• But not everything is negative in this crazy world of ours. Paul Harvey said earlier today that a fellow Aussie is in negotiations to play the role of the late Steve Irwin in a movie about his life. Who’s this Aussie?
Russell Crowe.
Even though later reports deny this annoucement, I don't care. I so want this movie made. “See that croc there? What a beauty. They like to lay in the water and soak up the sun’s rays. But do you know what else they like to do?”
"Fightin!"
10 p.m.
• Earlier today I went clothes shopping at Kohl's.The last time I bought more than one article of clothing at a time was several years ago, so I don’t do this often. However, I think I may start stopping in more often after having paid a visit to the clearance rack. I wanted to get a new interview outfit (or two), and I did at a great discount. I don’t consider myself a finicky shopper, but when it comes to clothes I really don’t like going anywhere else but Kohl’s or Sears. The brands comfortably fit and are worth the price once a sale starts up. Two dress pants, two belts, two dress shirts and a dress shirt/tie combo – about $115 total with a retail markup savings of $160. I’m sure all this actually cost about $5 to produce, but whatever. Like I said before, it fits and the quality is good.
Afterward, we got a new comforter for Mrs. kkk – at 30 percent off of course ($70 down from $100). She then asks me the question of the week, “Will this comforter be warm enough for you?” Uh, you’re the one that always bitches about being too cold. She then asked what size we should get – the king or queen. Having no clue what size we currently use, she said that the one currently on our be is a king, even though our bed is a queen size. I then opted for the king comforter. Christ, we fight over the covers enough as is – actually, it’s not much of a fight as it is her trying to push/loosen my grip on blankets during the middle of the night. I can’t imagine what carnage a smaller comforter would produce.
5 p.m.
• So yesterday I was driving home on the parkway and this truck was in front of me. The truck had some pipes/wood planks/something tied to the roof. Didn’t look too stable. Because of this I gave the truck some space between us. I was hoping this way in case something flew off at me I’d have enough time to react and get out of the way. Well, the driver behind me did the “OMG WTF” gesture. What is wrong with people. It’s not like I was going 30 mph. I was still going just over the speed limit – there was just a car length or two between me and this truck. I would have been more than happy to let this person go between us, and I would laugh when one of the planks flew threw his windshield and crushed his larynx.
7 a.m.
• So on the drive to work this morning I drove behind this care with the bumper sticker "I miss Clinton." Hey, I give credit where it's due –– it got a laugh out of me. However, I think the laugh was less about that bumper sticker than the new, catchy bumper sticker slogan I had just then thought up in my mind.
"I missed Clinton" with a sniper's scope replacing the dotted i's.
Then again, seeing how this family threatens to sue people that hang their daughter's picture up in a restaurant...
... if I actually produced this kind of ingenius hilarity and you don't read any new entries from me in a while, check for me at Ft. Marcy Park.
11 p.m.
• So I was flipping through the On Demand options and found the first four “Sons of Anarchy” episodes on FX. I don’t watch many television shows on a regular basis. In fact, I don’t watch any. I’m a South Park fan, but the last few seasons have been hit-or-miss, and I just buy the DVDs. I used to watch “The Shield” but stopped after season 4 because I wasn’t watching it on a consistent basis. One day when the DVDs go on sale I’ll buy them up and finish watching them all. Another reason I don’t watch first-run television shows is that I don’t want to wait week after week, month after month, summer after summer for the latest episode, a quarter of the time which is spent airing commercials.
New show, several episodes commercial-free (or at least almost-commercial-free with a fast-forward button available): what can I lose, besides a few hours of my time?
I watched. It’s OK. Not great, but after a while I’ll go back to the On Demand section and see if any new episodes have been added. For those that don’t know what “Sons of Anarchy” is about, well, look it up yourself you lazy bastards. Here are my thoughts:
1) God damn is Peg Bundy attractive. It’s been around 20 years since “Married With Children” first aired and she looks way better now than she did back then. Oh, and I LOVE her character, but I think that could be because of the way she deals with her crack-whore ex-daughter-in-law. Reminds me of a certain person or two in my in-law family tree. I just wish I could remember who they are…
2) Dutch Wagenbach is on the show!!!!
That’s about all I have to say about this. Yay.
3 p.m.
• Pirates got a new general manager. Why in the hell would ANYONE want to come here, unless that person is jobless to begin with.
• Oh there are so many jokes to be made with this I don’t know where to begin.
• Well, at least she’s not whipping out her tit and having the crumb-snatcher suck away during the test. Trust me, wait until you see a picture of her.
Actually, with the speed of our justice system, I'm surprised the kid's not 20 years old now.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 54: Cobain was Murdered
I like the guy, even though I didn’t actually speak to CWM until several years into my TSM posting. He's had an interesting selection of jobs, from his stint as a rugged lumberjack to being able to go to town with a store's slurpee machine (and don't forget about the other perks of working third-shift at a Quickie-Mart). Then there's the gnomes. Lots of gnomes. Oodles and oodles of gnomes. With the recent tensions between Mrs. kkk and our next-door neighbors, I wonder if CWM wouldn't mind taking his show on the road.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• OK, time to see if my Week 3 pickkks were the charm.
Carolina at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
Goddamn point spreads. Who’s the asshole who comes up with this shit? Oh, nevermind.
Chicago at Minnesota. Incorrect.
See my above post. I thought the Vikings would make this a close game, but not this close. Purple faggots.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh. Correct.
Nothing really much to say about this game other than that Shittsburgh fans are about to go into panic mode because the Steelers lost two close games to two teams that posted better regular-season records than they did last year. And it’s not going to get any easier with a game at San Diego after a Week 4 bye. To be fair, the Steelers had every chance to win this game against the Bengals, but that muffed punt return really hurt them. After hearing this play on the radio, my first thought was, “I wonder if Cowher misses Antwaan Randle El right about now." Sure he botched a few punts during his time with the Steelers, but he also broke a few for big plays.
Green Bay at Detroit. Correct.
OK, this exercise in futility isn’t funny anymore. I don’t know who will feel worse: Detroit at season’s end or the one or two teams who will probably get upset by the Lions this year.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis. Correct.
Remember what I said about the point spreads in the Carolina/Tampa Bay contest? I take that all back. Jacksonville had possession of the ball for how many minutes in the first half – 25? Damn. And they got beat nevertheless. On a Peyton Manning bootleg.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo. Incorrect.
How many yards rushing and passing did the Bills have over the Jets in this game? [119 yards to 73 and 306 yards to 182.] And they still lost. Figures that I picked them.
Tennessee at Miami. Correct.
Chalk up another point-spread win. And what happened to all that talk during training camp about Daunte Culpepper being unstoppable?
Washington at Houston. Correct.
Boy, what an impressive win. The Redskins should be proud of defeating such an AFC powerhouse. Is Cleveland on their schedule later in the year?
Baltimore at Cleveland. Incorrect.
I guess I could say that due to Cleveland playing the team-that-used-to-be-the-Browns I should have known this game would have been close. But that would have required me to look up past scores, and I’m too lazy for that.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle. Correct.
Poor Emily. He should get his daddy to yell at his receivers for dropping his passes. Actually, I got pissed toward the end when I learned that Seattle let their lead drop to less than 20 points. When you have the chance to lay a beat down on Emily, do so. Please. For the children.
Philadelphia at San Francisco. Correct.
The only thing that surprised me was the lack of McNabb knob-slobbing that took place afterward by Chris Berman and pals.
St. Louis at Arizona. Incorrect.
Two teams I know nothing about (as opposed to the other 30 franchises in the NFL ) playing a game I had no idea who was going to win.
Denver at New England. Incorrect.
Didn’t see the game. Was a bit surprised at the outcome. Denver seems to have the Patriots’ number.
Atlanta at New Orleans. Incorrect.
Hey, props to the Saints for being 3-0. I wonder how much returning to the Superdome really played a factor in this upset win. I might want to pull for this team, but I know that if they get anywhere near the playoffs the sappy media coverage will make me wish for Katrina to make a return to the Deep South.
Overall Score: 7-7. Cumulative Score: 24-22. Hooray for mediocrity +1.
8:45 p.m.
• I was never really a Britney Spears "hater," and it's pitiful to see what she has done to herself over the last few years. I also don't get this joke by Sarah Silverman at some award show she did.
Mistakes? If memory serves she squirted both out while married. Now granted the "mistake" was getting married and not getting ready to take on the challenges of parenthood. However, to call these two kids "mistakes" is just not funny. And this is ME who's saying this!
8:30 p.m.
• So I was reading one of my favorite threads -- 1000 Reasons Why ESPN Sucks -- and found this gem from a few days ago.
Well, Ol' Mikey sure can't call Vince a RACIST~! I was already a Vince Young fan. This only solidifies it even more.
2:45 p.m.
• Figures. The one job interview I actually wouldn’t have minded a “don’t call us we’ll call you” response from called me for a second round. Do I really want to do this? Sure I hate the assholes I work with, but I love what I do. How do I know that the work I do at another place will feel just as rewarding? How do I know this place’s management won’t be as bad or worse? Jesus, this is what Stockholm Syndrome must feel like to those abducted by the Mohammads of the world. Perhaps I can make my current situation work out. Perhaps there is a light to the end of this tunnel. Perhaps…
Hmm, what’s this? A CD-Rom full of stuff that I have to work on from the idiot boss is my mail slot. It wasn't there when I left work yesterday but was in there when I got in this morning. Oh, what’s this? The creation date for these files is dated more than 10 days ago. Oh, what’s this? An e-mail from a co-worker telling me the idiot wants to know when these will be finalized because they should have been done yesterday.
...
So my second interview is for Friday at 8:30 a.m.
• So on the drive home from work today, I noticed the better half had her engagement ring back on her finger. No, we didn’t get into a fight or anything like that (well, at least none that have recently drawn blood). She had a cut on her ring finger and this ring was constantly rubbing up against it, making the boo-boo worse. Because of this, for a week or two she just had her wedding band on while the wound healed. Because women bitch about their men not noticing anything that they do to themselves, I tried to pretend like I actually cared about this particular subject and said, “I see you have your ring back on again.” Her reply: “It’s been on for more than a week now; thanks for noticing.” Now this is usually the part of the conversation where she tastes my knuckles thanks to a devastating right cross, but instead I just said, “Well that’s because I’m always too busy looking at your tits.” I got the Glare of Doom for that one. And here I thought chicks liked to be complimented on their physical appearances. No wonder men and women will never truly understand each other.
• Boy oh boy RIGHT-WING RADIO sure has had a field day with that
Although there are plenty of funny moments, one of my favorite lines is this:
Eight months? LOL – you had EIGHT FUCKING YEARS! Now, for as right-wing as I am, there are two things I routinely defend Clinton on (and one of them sure as hell isn’t his choice of spouses). The first is that alleged Juanita Broderick rape. Sorry, but to bring these kinds of allegations up 30 years after the fact is something I don’t care to bother myself with. The second is saying, “OMG Bill Clinton caused 9/11 by not doing anything during his administration to fight terrorism.” I’m just not going to go there; 9/11 was something that never happened before on U.S. soil and it took all of us by surprise. Sure we probably could have done more in hopes of stopping these terrorist attacks, but could you imagine the shit-fits that would have sprouted had we tried to, for example, implement current airport-screening measures back then? I even give Clinton a pass with the “he could have killed Laden but didn’t,” accusation. I’m sure if he would have lobbed a few rockets at a place intelligence reports claimed that Osama was at and the artillery ended up blowing up, say, an aspirin factory or a Chinese embassy building, there would have been a shitstorm that not even the cBS evening news could have spun in Clinton’s favor (although they certainly would have tried their best), and Bubba’s critics would have been all over him like spooge on a blue dress. There are times when I think back and wonder if perhaps Clinton wasn’t all that bad a guy, and then it’s stuff like this interview that makes me remember why I voted for Bob Dole in ’96 – well, that and the fact Rush told me to.
And while I’m on this topic, I wonder if Rick Lazio would have acted toward Hitlery in their Senate debate years ago in the same fashion Bill acted toward Chris Wallace the other day if the former Congressman would have ended up in Fort Marcy Park with a bullet in the back of his head from an apparent “suicide”?
• Here’s an update on that poor guy who got the shaft, literally. (Background information from my 6/24 entry.)
• Yesterday I had a headache, but today was even better. I was at the office from 7 a.m.-3:30 p.m., which is the second consecutive weekend I have come in to work (last Saturday was one of those times, too). Like I have said before, even though the idea of putting in extra time seems like a real chore, I actually revel in it – that is once I drag myself out of bed, shower and drive in to work. Not only do I not have to worry about my idiot bosses or annoying co-workers, but also I get to wear shorts and skip shaving. Besides, thanks to these past two weekends, that four-day mini-vacation coming up on October 6 is looking pretty good. (Provided I stay around that long, but that’s another story for another time; I don’t like putting the cart in front of the horse.) The biggest question facing me today was when I should leave for home. You see, the Steelers were playing in Shittsburgh today, and my drive home would be greatly affected by post-game traffic if I left work too late. I had been paying attention with how the Steelers were faring in their game against the Bengals, and as 3:30 p.m. approached, I was feeling confident that the fans would stay until the game concluded sometime around 4 p.m. After all, the Steelers were ahead – what reason could people have to leave early? Oh, how about the two touchdowns scored off of stupid turnovers that put Cincinnati up 28-17 with nine minutes to go in the fourth quarter? When this dramatic turnaround happened, I got the hell out of there, fearing the gridlock I might be facing if I stayed later. Fortunately, the Steelers had a decent drive shortly after these two Bengal touchdowns and kicked a field goal, putting them within eight points of tying the game. Thanks to the Steelers keeping the game close, I had a smooth commute home. Despite this brief fear of possibly being surrounded by drunk, angry Steeler motorists on the way home from a divisional loss, this Sunday was much less eventful than last week’s, when the better half got into it with our neighbors.
Let me set the scene. It was around 8:30 p.m. and Mrs. kkk was in the cat’s room cleaning out their drinking fountain (we call this the “kids’ room” because this is where their food, water and two of their four litter boxes are placed). Suddenly, there was a lot of commotion coming from outside. For those that remember, our neighbors with the dog that won’t shut up apparently got free from her leash and was running around the neighborhood, stirring up every other canine that lives on our street. Some people were shouting at the top of their lungs for this dog to return home. As the better half looked out the one window to see what the hell was going on, the neighbor’s wife started yelling at her and said, “If you want a show, I’ll give you a show,” and pulled up her shirt. She then gave Mrs. kkk the finger. This should have some interesting developments down the road.
• So a few nights ago I decided to play on-line poker for money. I went to one place, plucked down $50 and went to work. It’s weird that when you’re not playing for fake chips and instead using actual money that you earned those 2-8 off-suite hands don’t look as appealing as they once did. I spent about 5 minutes folding before I got my first winning hand, 6-6. I then started to bluff, raise and call my way to increasing my bank account by a whopping $18 – hey, when you’re playing 50-cent/$1 blinds, you can’t expect to start raking in the six-figure jackpots right away. So with a $50 deposit, I expanded my poker empire to a whopping $68. I was on a hot streak, baby. Nothing could stop me. That was until I went to a table where the people actually knew what they were doing. Five minutes and several hands later my $68 turned to $39; that’s when I knew it was time to take my ball and go home for the night. I still have no clue as to what I’m doing, and I really don’t care either. Just let me have my fun.
• There’s this show on the TLC channel about this family from Arkansas with 16 kids. I thought I couldn’t see anything worse than that until tonight when TLC aired a show featuring a guy with three wives. Jesus Christ, one is bad enough – but three?! Boy did the redneck stereotypes flow freely throughout this bunch. I can’t wait to see how the six or so kids who live in this house turn out (although I think a compound would be a more accurate description of their living residence).
7 p.m.
• I said this at the other place, but it bears repeating.
This return-to-Washington-gimmick doesn't give me tingly feelings about McCain FIGHTING FOR ME, but Letterman's logic doesn't make any sense. (If "things get tough" wouldn't the "suspension" be leaving Washington and blaming everyone else for the country's woes?) And of course McCain's opponent is a guy known more for voting "present" than actually doing anything of substance. (Then again, I'd rather have Osama do nothing than try to get his agenda pushed...)
• OMG more liberal bias: RePuBliCaNz r DuM.
Son, just because you go to college doesn't mean you're smart. To further prove my point -- I'm a college grad.
• Speaking of "dumb" and "reporters," let's ask an ACTOR who played a WALL STREET MEANIE his opinion of the REAL-LIFE financial zaniness.
Makes perfect sense to me. Like Douglas would know anything about currency speculation or other fancy words that I just put next to each other. Say, what was he doing at the United Nations anyway?
:bonk: :bonk: :bonk: :bonk:
9:45 p.m.
• Sonofabitch. I donated $10 for some fundraiser helping homeless animals, and this raffle was to use numbers from yesterday's "Big 4" state lottery. Two of my eight raffle numbers had "3" and "4" matching up, but that's it. Boo-urns.
• He wasn't checking out child porn. He was ... scouting.
• My God is the lip-synching for "Monday Night Football" terrible. The players introducing their teammates is so off.
1 p.m.
• Yeah, but we'll ask him the TUFF QUESTIONS!
Good God what a joke. I can only pray that this wacko is just scouting out the best spot in America to let off a nuke. Hey, Ahmad-whatever, there's some primo real estate over in Berkley if you're interested.
• Well, Toyota, expect to get a better market share after this gets played out.
I must have slept in an awkward position last night because I woke up early this morning with one of those nagging headaches. You know, the kind that isn’t quite up to “throbbing” status, but yet it is persistent enough to make you feel like doing nothing – and even when you are doing nothing, it is not as fun as it should be because you have that little pounding going on up there in your cranium (sort of like what you are experiencing right now reading this entry). Since I couldn’t go back to sleep, I began some channel surfing. It’s always interesting to do this once in a while during a part of the day when you are not normally accustomed to watching television; I guess it is a chance to see what those people that are usually up with nothing to do in the wee-hours of the morning have at their disposal for entertainment. As a kid I always used to love staying up late on Sunday nights when I didn’t have to go to school Monday. I don’t know why; the night just seemed so … different. Oh well.
While going through various channels, I came across some profile story of Kathie Lee Gifford. I never had a problem with this chick, but then again I never watched her show with Regis. I’m sure reading my stories about the better half and the cats are annoying enough; I’d imagine having to hear about someone’s two kids on a daily basis would be worse. Still though, I’m not going to badmouth her. The only thing that disturbed me during this show was when she said that a person once called and asked her to make a CD filled with inspirational songs. Her response to this guy was that she would “pray on it,” and then she actually did so. Pray on it? Whenever someone says shit like that I get a little scared. I mean, what exactly do you do when you pray on something like this? “Uh, hi, God. I know you’re up there doing your thing – starting hurricanes, bringing life into this world, waiting for Allah to raise his pocket aces (boy is he going to be mad when you bust out your queen-high straight; and she isn't even wearing a burka), but I was wondering if you could help me out in this bind. No, I’m not asking for your assistance with a cancer-stricken family member. I’m also not wishing you to give me the resolve to leave my cheating scumbag husband. The reason I’m calling you today is because this guy wants me to sing on this album that will undoubtedly be popular with Middle America and bring in a bunch of money. What should I do?” Yeesh.
After watching this show I flipped through a few more channels and came across this A&E Biography on the "Brady Bunch" television show. Why in the hell did I watch this? Oh, I know: to learn that Cousin Oliver did the voice of Michelangelo in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I haven’t seen the sequels, but I really liked the first movie. In fact, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” was one of the few films I watched multiple times in the theater. That and “Weekend at Bernie’s.” (Don’t ask why, because I couldn’t give you an answer.) However, I was a Raphael fan, so I still say fuck Cousin Oliver for single-handedly ruining the “Brady Bunch.” Sure the show was probably crapping out at around this point in the series, but it’s easier, and more fun, to put all of the blame on some kid with glasses and a bowl haircut. Speaking of the “Brady Bunch,” years ago I remember Eve Plumb, the chick who played Jan, on a talk show, and when taking questions from the audience some girl asked Eve if she could do her infamous “Marsha Marsha Marsha” line. Wow, was Eve an asshole to that audience member. Her reply went something like, “Why don’t you just say it again since you obviously know how it goes.” Eve then started pimping her hippie artwork. Listen here, bitch, I get that you are probably sick of people you’ve never seen before approaching you and asking you to do a line or two from your years as Jan Brady, but that’s part of the deal you signed up for all those years ago while your 15 minutes of fame were ticking away. And now you want us to buy your shitty paintings. What you should have done during this talk show is mention how it’s been decades since your “Brady Bunch” stint and that you are always asked to say lines from this brief period of your life, adding how tiresome this can get at times. Then look at that audience member, give a wink and simply say those three repeated words your fans want to hear. Maybe then you would have been able to sell off some of your retarded art.
Side note: the actor who played Oliver is also born on the same day I was, just 12 years earlier. Weird.
My final stop on the channel surfing express came when I stumbled across C-Span’s “Washington Journal.” The reason I stopped here was because something caught my eye – it was the contact information listed at the bottom of the screen telling you what phone numbers to call to get on the show. During the Clinton Administration, C-Span started this gay policy where if you were a certain ideology you had to call a certain number to comment on the air. (RIGHT-WING MEDIA said this was because too many callers were getting through ragging on Bill Clinton.) Well, now the numbers are still segregated, but instead of “Democrats,” “Republicans,” and “Independents,” the phone numbers they had listed were “If you support Democrats,” “If you support the President,” and “Independents.” What about Republicans who don’t support the President? OMG MAINSTREAMLIBERALBIAS! I have no idea when this new phone number listing started. (I can't remember the last time I watched this show for more than three minutes.) The real reason I wanted to bring up “Washington Journal” is to reminisce about my all-time favorite moment on this show. Years ago when Newt Gingrich was still Speaker of the House, C-Span had this reporter on talking about some political issue of the day. This lady was obviously a liberal and had that holier-than-thou smugness many journalists have when covering politics; that kind of sideline jeering that no matter what a politician does it is the wrong decision and children will die. Anyway, this lady had something wrong with her teeth; I can't remember if she was wearing braces or if there was some wiring around her mouth, but it was obvious that she had spent quite a bit of time at a dentist’s office. This prompted an old lady to call in and berate this journalist for saying mean things about Newt. The caller then made a remark about this journalist’s teeth and hung up. In one fell swoop, some 80-year old from a red state shut up both the reporter (she looked like she was about to cry) and the “Washington Journal” host. Were the caller’s remarks mean-spirited? Sure. But they were also funny as hell.
7 p.m.
• Oh for Christ's sake, they're going to be dead soon anyway. Let them enjoy their snacks.
“No, Mrs. Johnson. Don’t eat that pastry – we want you to live another 10 years just so we can change that many more diapers.”
Funny story: whenever my grandma was still alive (dad's side) and still had her wits about her, my old man would always sneak candy in for her. Hell, she had no teeth -- a piece of chocolate would keep her busy for hours.
12:30 p.m.
• More wedded bliss. It’s getting to be that time of year when the air conditioner and windows alternate. If it’s humid out, the AC comes on. If no, then we open all the windows. One problem is if the windows are open overnight, it could get hella cold in the morning, much to the chagrin of Mrs. kkk. When it gets time for bed, she always tells me to close the windows to the second floor of our house. I don’t know how this equates into a cold house, but whatever. Anyway, she bitched about it being cold this morning and that I didn’t close the upstairs windows (I didn’t). I then commented to her that our two bedroom windows were wide open. Surely THAT could have contributed somewhat to our chilly living quarters.
• Oh God. James Brown on the CBS pre-game NFL show just did this mini-editorial about how we all don't know what it's like to be Donovan McNabb until we've walked a mile in his shoes, or some shit like that. He added something about having an open dialogue with this shit. You all should know my opinion on this matter by now, so it's not worth rehashing it again.
• Speaking of racial harmony.
3:30 p.m.
• Time for Week 3's pickkks.
Arizona @ Baltimore (7.5)
The only reason I’m going with this is because the Cards coach is the former Steelers offensive coordinator and I’m hoping that he’s able to keep it somewhat close. Then again, I remember what happened last year when the Steelers played the Ravens. Oh, shit.
Buffalo @ New England (15.5)
Here’s hoping the Pats have a “fall-off” game to a divisional rival after clearing away the Chargers.
Detroit @ Philadelphia (6.5)
I just don’t see the Eagles going 0-3.
(6.5) Indianapolis @ Houston
I heard that one receiver for Houston is out.
Miami @ N.Y. Jets (3.5)
I’ll go with the Dolphins defense in this one. Does Miami even have a good defense. I have no clue. Then why did I just say that?
Minnesota @ Kansas City (2.5)
Young QB. At Kansas City. There’s going to be lots of runs.
(4.5) San Diego @ Green Bay
This should be interesting. I’m not convinced Green Bay is a playoff-caliber team … yet.
San Francisco @ Pittsburgh (9.5)
That spread just seems too big. I think the Steelers will win, but by single digits.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay (3.5)
I’m not sure about this one, but I want to see St. Louis crash and burn because too many people were picking them to be a playoff team in the preseason.
Cincinnati @ Seattle (3.5)
The Bungles’ defense can’t get much worse than it was last week’s effort – could it?
Cleveland @ Oakland (3.5)
I’m hoping for the Browns to experience a “fallout” effect from last week’s win. That’s the only reason I’m picking Oakland with the points.
Jacksonville @ Denver (3.5)
Here’s hoping the Jacksonville running game has a good day.
(4.5) Carolina @ Atlanta
I’ve been burned on the Panthers a few times this year already. Perhaps this is their year to win the South, again.
N.Y. Giants @ Washington (4.5)
I’ll tell you what. I have no idea who that Redskins QB is, but I was impressed by him Monday night.
Dallas @ Chicago (3.5)
Both defenses are good, so I’m going with the better offense.
Tennessee @ New Orleans (4.5)
The Saints have stunk it up the first two games, but what about the home opener? Well, they could always win by 3.
Since it’s Friday and I don't feel motivated to think of something original to write, what better time than to give my Week 3 Pickkks?
(3.5) Carolina at Tampa Bay
Both teams are under-achieving in the early part of this season. Both teams are also winless. I’ll go with Carolina because they had a chance to win last week’s game and lost in overtime.
(3.5) Chicago at Minnesota
A battle of undefeated NFC North teams, I’m tempted to go with Minnesota for a third consecutive week. Even though the Bears are being hyped up for impressive wins against not-so-impressive opponents, I also heard Chicago doesn’t play too well at Minnesota. So what will it be? Shit, I don’t know. I’ll say the Bears snap their Metrodome losing streak, and I hope they do so by more than a field goal.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (1.5)
This one should be interesting. I’ll go with the Bengals simply because they’re pissed off, and last year’s contests had the visiting team win.
Green Bay at Detroit (6.5)
Seriously, who really cares? Since Roy Williams is on my shit list with his inability to back up his guarantees with action, I’m taking the Packers.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis (7.5)
I like Jacksonville. They’re a tough team and beat the crap out of their opponents. In many ways, they remind me of the Houston Oilers of the 1970s; good enough to win, good enough to make the playoffs, but not good enough to beat the top team in their division. Not like I would know, considering I was three-and-a-half years old when the Steelers beat the Oilers 27-13 the last time they met in an AFC Conference Championship. Will this be the year Jacksonville breaks through and upsets the Colts? Could be. If this were a straight-up pick ‘em I’d go with Indianapolis. But because this is involves point spreads, I’m going with Jacksonville.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo (5.5)
Buffalo has been playing tough so far this year, but I’m not sure if they are “tough enough” to have 5.5 points. Then again, these are the Jets. I’ll take Buffalo.
Tennessee at Miami (11.5)
OK, if Miami can’t win this game then they are in a world of hurt. They should win, but not by a large enough score to cover the spread.
(3.5) Washington at Houston
Like Miami above, if Washington can’t win this week then my prediction of them winning the NFC East will look quite foolish. I’ll take Washington, but you know what always happens when you trust those in D.C. do to anything right.
(7.5) Baltimore at Cleveland
Will Baltimore keep their hot streak going? I’ll say sure.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle (3.5)
Will Emily and her band of big blue brothers bamboozle the Pacific powerhouse predators? I hope not, and maybe my picking Seattle might tilt the odds a little bit toward Seattle’s favor.
(6.5) Philadelphia at San Francisco
Philly is going to take out last week’s meltdown on the 49ers.
St. Louis at Arizona (4.5)
St. Louis beat Denver in Week 1 and lost to San Francisco in Week 2. Arizona beat San Francisco in Week 1, so I’ll say they’ll beat the Rams.
Denver at New England (6.5)
Denver has been playing like crap so far, and I’m sure the Pats want to avenge last season’s playoff loss.
(3.5) Atlanta at New Orleans
New Orleans is 2-0 and going back to the Superdome. Will this give them enough mojo for a home win? Nah. Atlanta is in the Deep South, too. What this has to do with winning football games, I don’t know.
8:15 p.m.
• Now this is odd. The much-talked about welfare brood from the better half’s family called us the other day. Well, I should say they called Mrs. kkk. And the matriarch of the clan asked Mrs. kkk who she was voting for in November. When the better half said “McCain” they asked if I, too, was voting for the honorable senator from Arizona. When Mrs. kkk replied “yes he is,” the toothless Mexican said, “you’re good.”
...
THESE PEOPLE VOTE REPUBICAN – WTF?!
Maybe I need to pay a visit to Camp Ron Paul. And here I thought our house would be crossing out their house’s vote.
Then again, Maybe they’re in the right party.
While that was my “wtf” moment of the week, my “you got to be fucking kidding me” moment came when I found out that my crack-whore niece-in-law was talking politics with the better half. She began saying how YOU KNOW WHAT OSAMA STANDS FOR and that he cares about poor people. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. The mere fact she is talking about voting makes me want to make it required that all voters must own property – much like is was back in the day. I told Mrs. kkk I’d break her kneecaps if she drove the niece to get registered. Did I say “break her kneecaps”? I mean, “be really really sad.” And to add insult to injury the niece didn’t realize that once she moved a year or so ago she had to re-register. Thanks to Mrs. kkk and her big mouth the niece now knows she would have been DISENFRANCHISED.
Here was my “And to think these people have the same voting rights I do” moment. I was flipping channels today and came across some Headline News segment with some guy talking to a group of first-time voters. All I can say is whenever we talk with a fuckball like the President of Iran, and he proceeds to send a nuke over, just make sure you blow up San Francisco.
Two-bit thugsters masquerading as populist leaders aren’t the only ones who have called my beloved President a devil. A while back I interacted with someone of American origin who thought the same thing as Hugo Chavez. I mentioned this story in a TSM post a while back, but it’s such a heart-warming tale that it bears repeating.
Old people are hit-or-miss with me. Although I have met some who were cool as cool can be, the vast majority of them are miserable bastards, probably because they know that they are quickly approaching their expiration date. Will I act this way should I make it into my senior years? I don’t know. Hell, there are times when I catch myself sounding similar to these old farts. For example, this whole text-messaging thing these kids are doing nowadays. The hell? I’m not paying money just to type on some hippie cell phone, “C U L8r” or whatever they are saying to each other. But this story isn’t about my problems with society latest technological fads. It’s about old people who piss me off.
A little less than a year ago the better half and I stopped into McDonalds for a quick bite to eat. Now this Golden Arches is on the outskirts of where the dirty urban area meets the lavish landscape that is suburbia. Even though mainly ghetto trash work at this place, and the food is usually not worth the 10-minute wait you have to endure to get your order completed, it’s the only McDonalds on our way home from work, and Mrs. kkk wanted a quarter-pounder before heading off to her second job. After deciding to eat in the store rather than order at the drive-thru, the better half picked a booth that was next to these four old people. As I sat down I realized that not only were our dining mates old, but also they were loud. Obnoxiously loud. And unoriginal. Christ, these people were talking about the same shit that all old people talk about, and this is why I hate most old people. What’s the number one thing all old people talk about? Yep, how everything is soooooo much more expensive than it used to be back when they were kids. Oh I hate this topic. Yes, shit is more expensive now than it was back when FDR ran things. No, I don’t want to hear about how you used to be able to go to the matinee for a nickel. Whenever an old bastard starts bringing this shit up, I like to respond with, “Well back in those days you only made a quarter a week. How much do you rake in a month with Social Security?” Ugh, I hate it when old people bitch about the price of everything. Hell, I remember when it only cost 50 cents to buy a pack of 15-20 football cards. Now a pack can go for several dollars, and I’ve seen some that offer less than 10 cards per purchase. Know what I do? I DON’T FUCKING BUY THEM. Now I’m going off track, again.
After listening to this shit for what seemed like an eternity, I got pushed over the edge when these old people started bitching about how George W. Bush wanted to take their Social Security away. Oh for fuck’s sake. This administration tried to buy you old bastards off with some gay-ass prescription drug program that’s a bloody abortion to begin with. Shut the fuck up about any politician wanting to take away your Social Security. Senior citizens are the biggest voting bloc out there – you think any politician is going to fuck with you people? If anything, in order to kowtow to your wrinkly asses, public officials will try to bone over some other demographic that doesn’t go to the polls – like teens and young twentysomethings, or, better yet, black people. NOBODY’S TAKING AWAY YOUR FUCKING SOCIAL SECURITY. This prompted me to start talking out loud to the better half about how happy I was that we owned Halliburton stock (Dick Cheney used to work there, you know) and that the dividends we earned from our Exxon portfolio were paying for this glorious meal in front of us. I then went off on some other subjects that I now can’t recall. However, I remember at one point I was discussing anal sex. Can’t remember why, though.
After a while of me stirring the pot, Mrs. kkk had enough and said we were both leaving right then and there and that she was going to finish eating on the ride home. As we both got up and walked by these old people, one of them said out loud while looking at me, “So when is that devil finally going to be out of office?” Without missing a beat, I turned to her and said in a calm, collected manner, “So when are you finally going to be dead?” No response, even though her mouth was open. If an old person ever pisses you off, uttering this phrase will usually shut them up. Trust me, it works.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Boy, kkk, you sure hate old people. Are there any old people out there you like?” Yes. Like I said before, there are cool old people out there. My favorite example of this was when I worked at the theater back in the late 1990s. Our place had just received “Boogie Nights,” and the stories I could tell of the people who went to see this movie having no idea that it dealt with the 1970s/80s porn industry could take up an entry unto itself. But that’s neither here nor there. On the first day of my theater playing this film, I was the afternoon cashier. To my surprise there were quite a few people who wanted to see “Boogie Nights,” on a Friday afternoon, but this one old guy who had to be at least in his 70s purchased his ticket and said to me, “That’s my wife over there. She’s not going to see this with me. She doesn’t like these dirty movies. Hehehehehehe.”
Rock on, dude. Rock on.
I don't know what's worse: The fact I have to do 10 more of these or the fact I've already done 92 of them. Who's left? Who's gong to be placed where? Oh the drama...
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 10: Jobber of the Week
What I like about Jobber is that even though he’s for oodles of commie shit, he tends to be more sensible when the socialist utopias (or Michael Savage fans) creep up in his neighborhood. I wouldn’t consider Jobber a limousine liberal because a limo lib would want everyone to drive on solar-powered cars with lawn-mower engines while they fly around on private jets to and from trans-Atlantic weekend getaways. Jobber just doesn’t want the invaders to get driver’s licenses. And if he would be as fiscally responsible in Congress as he says he is at TSM, then I wouldn’t mind if some of his treasonous ideas got through the cracks. Besides, he has posted many a picture that was worth 1,000 posts. This would be the point where I bust out the “Tecmo Bowl’d” graphic, but sadly it’s no more.
6:15 p.m.
• Uh-oh. Didn't we learn anything from the Mohammad cartoons from a while back?
Translation.
* Boy, what is your name?
- My name is Babu.
* It is customary to mention Muhammed before the name.
* What is your father’s name?
- Muhammed Abu
* What’s this in your lap?
- Muhammed cat
You know who really gets pissed when stuff like this happens? Yep.
Jihads for everybody.
6 p.m.
• Oh boy. Time for another crack-whore sister-in-law story. For those not keeping score at home, thanks to a lifetime of doing drugs and abusing alcohol, the crack-whore is now collecting disability and getting free health care, courtesy of our tax dollars. A few nights ago, the crack-whore visits my mother-in-law’s workplace begging for $50 so she can get a sling for her arm, which supposedly had something wrong with it. The mother-in-law kicks her out. The next day, the crack-whore comes in, her arm in a sling, and begs for $50 because her and her boyfriend need gas for the car. When the question of “I thought you needed $50 yesterday for a sling,” came up, the crack-whore’s one remaining brain cell went into overload. And the best thing about all this – she’s in her 40s~!
So the next time some left-wing faggot in Congress starts whining about DRACONIAN cuts against the POOR, just remember: If we don’t keep pouring more money into this Great Society of our, my crack-whore sister-in-law will be sling-less.
7:30 a.m.
• So I get lots of spam at work, and if I'm not being given sales pitches to claim millions in Nigeria then I am being told how I can enlarge my penis. I've shown some of these ads in the past, but once in a while you get a headline/message that's just as funny. Here's one from this morning:
8:30 p.m.
• So I had the interview today. Eh. The odd thing about this one is that when I was left I thought to myself, “You know, maybe I don’t hate my job all that much after all.” Then again, I don’t hate my job – I hate my dumb-ass management. Wasn’t my best performance, but wasn’t terrible either. One red flag that went up for me was when they said, “You’d be in charge of some hippie computer program and the consultant we’ve had for over a year is leaving in a few weeks.” Translation: We’re going to expect you to know just as much as a professional in the IT field and we’re going to pay you much less.
But here’s the best part: When I got home, I waited for Mrs. kkk to call me and let me know when I can pick her up from interviewing some crazy person at her job. She called. I drove. On the way home, she was making some smart-ass remark about how she has a “surprise” for me and I’ll never get it. Then the DJ on the rock radio station says the following:
“Don’t forget that comedian Ron White will be appearing at the Benedum Center October 6.”
Wow was she pissed.
• Here’s the difference between men and women: A few days ago the better half threw a shitfit because some pen exploded and she got ink on her ratty gray sweatshirt/jacket thing. You can even see the shit and she’s bitching. Today, I realized after my interview that my one pen blew up and got shit all over my hands and blue Wal-Mart t-shirt. My reaction? “Oh, so I didn’t need to try lick that stain because I thought it was my blue raspberry-flavored Go-gurt.”
Yes, I eat yogurt. I remember years ago my old man was bitching about my choice of snack, saying that this stuff isn’t healthy and contains all these chemicals and shit. My response: “I don’t care. I eat it because I like the taste.” My old man’s response: Nothing. Of course this is the same guy who freaks out over anything that isn’t wheat-grass juice. When I was a kid I remember he showed me this article about how something-or-other was bad for you and we were all going to die and the only thing you can eat nowadays is dirt. It was around the time of hazardous movie theater popcorn butter. Anyway, I grabbed a spoon and was ready to go outside when he asked, “Where are you going?” My response: “Out back in the yard for dinner.” Families.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 55: Bps21
I don’t talk to Bps, but that doesn’t mean I hate him. Back in the day whenever I used to pay attention to pro wrestling, I would read those “One and Only Raw Threads” that would sprout up each Monday, and I would be amazed that almost every post written by Bps seemed to be a negative, smart-ass critique of the action taking place on television. Did I mention that I liked reading these posts? He also took some of this attitude with him when he posted in other subjects, and when you have me going, “Wow. This guy is really jaded,” you know you're doing something right.
And now a word from the expert panel to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Cancer Marney:
• One of the most common lines in the journalism world is “Dog bites man, no story; Man bites dog, story.” Well is it any surprise that this article made the AP wire?
• Once again ol’ Pale Face has put one over on the hippie Indians.
In some odd way, this reminds me of a place near where I live called "Lakeview Inn." What was the reason for this place's name? Why, because there was a huge lake behind this hotel, and this was a popular place for couples to hold their wedding receptions; the lake supposedly provided some nice scenic shots for newlyweds getting their pictures taken. (I wouldn't know however because my overpriced wedding event was at a place down the road called Mountainview Inn. No, there weren't any mountains out back.) Anyway, a few years ago the owner of Lakeview was told that he either had to drain the lake or make some major environmental upgrades to it (don't ask). His decision? To drain the lake. Oh, but he still calls his place "Lakeview" even though there's nothing more than a bunch of weeds growing where the water used to be. What has this got to do with the above-mentioned Indians? Haven't got a clue.
• Tiger Woods is pissed because some tabloid has linked pictures of his wife to pornography sites. Well, at least his wife is/was a model – that's better viewing than watching Jackie Chan in a porno. No wonder he doesn’t like other people doing his stunts. (I won't even comment on the end-of-credit outtakes.)
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This lady calls in and says that after having three dates with this guy they went to get married. However, the Catholic Church told them they refused to marry the lovebirds and they ended up getting "divorced." They have been together now for six years and when the host asked if they have had sex, the caller said, “yes,” because the Church said it was OK. Actually, the caller clarified this by saying that her boyfriend said that someone from the Church told him that this was permissible.
Late last night I learned that Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O’Connor had passed away after a brief bout with a rare form of cancer that attacks the brain and spinal cord. He was 61 years old. I knew he was going to succumb to this sudden diagnosis, especially when the hospital he was at stopped providing updates to the media a few days ago. When it was announced Friday night that the mayor had died, it left a pit in my stomach that’s still there this morning. I don’t know the man, nor have I ever met him, but I’ve followed his public service career for years and always thought of him as a person of integrity. I may not have agreed with him on a number of issues, but many times in local politics you throw away party affiliation and support the better man (or woman, depending on the situation).
I think the saddest part of this story is that for years this guy had tried to be mayor, only losing in the Democrat primary each time to the incumbent Tom Murphy. In fact, during the 2001 mayoral election there were allegations that Murphy had some illegal backroom deal with the city’s firefighter’s union where he would give them a sweetheart contract if they would support his candidacy over O’Connor. Murphy ended up winning that election by just 699 votes. (Like I said before, it was a primary, but in this town the “general election” takes place in the Democrat primary.)
Whenever Murphy announced he would not seek another term in 2005, it was all but a formality that O’Connor would become the city’s next mayor. There were “elections” and “campaigns,” but everyone with half a brain knew Bob would end up winning. Even when he was on the campaign trail, it seemed that O’Connor was talking more about what he was going to do once elected rather than asking if he could have your vote so he could be elected. When O’Connor finally took the helm in January of 2006 he tried as much as he could to show he wasn’t going to squander the opportunity to head the city he loved. There were two early examples of his leadership in action. The first was successfully planning a post-Super Bowl downtown parade for the Steelers. Even though more than a 250,000 people came downtown to congratulate the Super Bowl champs, O’Connor and his administration made sure the event ran without a hitch, and from the reviews people gave afterwards, it appeared that O’Connor and his staff was for real. The second incident came in wake of a sniper scare. (I commented on this incident back in January.) At first there was concern of a person atop a building with a rifle looking for people to shoot, but in the end it turned out that it was just a maintenance worker hunting pigeons. However, the way the city police/fire/medical services handled this event during those hours when they didn’t know what they were up against showed to many in the area that this town was being managed differently than it had been in previous years. And O’Connor was out in the middle of the action overseeing this operation. One could say he was just being pomp, seeing that his first term was just under way, but if you heard him you could tell he wasn’t trying to be out in the limelight. He wanted to show the city, and the surrounding counties, that the buck was stopping with him. And it showed.
It’s a shame O’Connor didn’t win the Democrat primary back in ’01. If he had, Pittsburgh might be in better financial shape today. Sadly, we here in the southwestern Pennsylvania area will never get to know what O’Connor would have been fully capable of as mayor. RIP.
9 p.m.
• So earlier today I had ESPN on – pretty sure it was the “Sports Reporters,” if not then it was one of their talking heads – and one guy on there says that MLB’s western divisional races are the best stories not being told. He then said that he can’t wait for the postseason so we can see these teams in the Pacific Time Zone play on a regular basis. Uh, these teams could be out in three games during the playoffs. I wouldn’t call that “regular.”
• I spent this weekend cleaning the house – I know, I make a great housewife. And while doing this I typically have sports on as background noise. After the Cubs beat the Astros, I was flipping channels and came across this show on the BBC America channel called “How Clean is Your House?” Long story short: these two British chicks go to messy houses, yell at the occupants, show them what a petri dish they are living in and make everything nice and tidy. Holy crap are these houses bad. Another thing I observed was during the commercial breaks the station was pimping it’s newscasts saying something like, “it’s the best coverage on America.” Riiiiiiiiiight.
• Video of crazy cats. My favorites are the ones where children are the victims.
2:30
• So I just watched another NBC “To catch a…” special, but this had nothing to do with adults wanting to bang 13-year olds. This one deal with identity theft, and while it wasn’t as bang-bang-bang in busting pervs and scam artists, it was entertaining in its own right. I think the funniest part of the whole thing was seeing the stupid Americans fall for Internet relationships and shipping thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of merchandise for them. Jesus, are these people pathetic. The best part of all this? During one of the commercial breaks, the first ad to air was from Ditech and started with the sentence, “People are smart…” Oy.
I don’t understand how people can be duped into such obvious scams. Hold on a second while I check my Myspace inbox. Oh, a new message. Who could this be? She says she’s Abigail.
Well, hello to you.
Well why would you want to be e-mailing me, especially since my profile says I’m married?
Oh, I see. I think I know where this is going.
And here I thought I had a chance.
Cool. She must hate Democrats, too.
That's OK. Nobody’s perfect.
Now you got my attention.
Yeah, I know what you mean. This whole Myspace messaging application is the suq, even though you sent this message through Myspace.
No, thank you. I’m just glad you didn’t ask me to sent any money due to an inheritance you can’t get access to because the account is in Nigeria and you have bad credit over at the Dark Continent. If that were to happen, I might think this e-mail could be fake.
OK, time to see how I did this week with my NFL pickkks.
Buffalo at Miami. Correct.
Well, I was wrong about Miami winning, but I was predicting a close win for the Dolphins and went with the Bills. And since I’m going by point spreads I win. Yippie.
Carolina at Minnesota. Correct.
I predicted another upset by the Vikings, and I was right, thanks to a bone-head play on a Carolina fourth-quarter punt return, or lack thereof. I saw the Vikings play the Steelers in the preseason and was impressed with them, so in a way I’m pulling for this team.
Cleveland at Cincinnati. Correct.
Was there any doubt? I was flipping between this game and the Giants/Eagles contest, and I was fortunate enough to be watching when that Cleveland defender leveled Chad Johnson. I wonder if Chad is going to mark up on his scorecard that this week went to the opposing defense?
Detroit at Chicago. Wrong.
Roy Williams, how could you do this to me? YOU GAURANTEED A WIN THIS WEEK! I went with the Lions based solely on your promise of a victory against a team that is better than yours in every aspect of the game and yet you continue to let me down. How can I ever take you seriously ever again, Roy? I mean, it’s stupid how close I came this week from predicting 14 correct games, and thanks to you this dream was shattered into a thousand shards. If I can’t trust the predictions of a wide receiver that has done jack shit in his NFL career, whom can I trust? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at you the same way after this game, Roy. I’m sorry, but once you take advantage of my trusting nature, I’m worse than a bride who was jilted at the altar. You’re going to have to earn my respect after your boldface lying about how the Lions were going to come out of Week 2 with a 1-1 record, but sadly I don’t think you’ll be able to do that for quite some time. I want you to remember this moment, Roy. Remember how you let down the dozens of people who took your so-called ironclad lock of win. Remember your team’s inability to perform on the field. Remember this moment, Roy, as when you hit rock bottom. That is until you strap up those pads for next week’s game and the cycle of futility begins again.
Houston at Indianapolis. Correct.
This isn’t really fair. I hope for the Texans’ sake they are able to play better against mediocre opponents.
New Orleans at Green Bay. Correct.
New Orleans is 2-0 against bad teams. I guess that’s better than being 1-1 or 0-2. I can’t wait until they start playing some good teams so we can squash all the talk about the Saints being a playoff contender.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia. Wrong.
Son of a bitch. I watched the first half of this game and was impressed with the Eagles play, and then they go and piss it all away in the fourth quarter. On top of that, Emily Manning and Plaxico Burress showed some stones and pulled out the victory. Having seen Plex play in Shittsburgh, I always felt he had talent. However, there is a moment that will I will forever remember him by. After the Steelers lost to the Patriots in the AFC Conference Championship in 2004-2005 season, while Burress was complaining in the locker room about not getting the ball enough (despite him dropping a touchdown-scoring pass), fellow receiver Hines Ward was crying and promising a trip to the Super Bowl next year. Now which player do you think the Steeler fans supported and which player do you think they wanted to see head out of town?
Oakland at Baltimore. Wrong.
Man, not only is Oakland bad, they can’t even score those meaningless end-of-game touchdowns while the other team is just sitting back and letting the clock run down.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta. Wrong.
Is Atlanta really that improved from last y ear, or did Tampa Bay really drop off that much from 2005?
Arizona at Seattle. Correct.
Seattle and the NFC West is like Indianapolis and the AFC South. These divisional victories should count as half-wins or something.
St. Louis at San Francisco. Wrong.
I have no idea about the Rams. I was hoping they would build off their home win last week, but I was wrong on this one. I will manage to get some sleep tonight. I’m not sure how, but I will.
Kansas City at Denver. Wrong.
Denver won. Yippie. They didn’t win by double-digits. Shit.
New England at N.Y. Jets. Wrong.
I watched this game on television, and it’s amazing how the Patriots were able to move on the Jets even with no receivers. Also, those two touchdown catches by the New York receivers were fun to watch, and it even gave me hope that this could be the AFC’s version of the Giants/Eagles game from earlier in the day. Of course I was hoping for the Jets to pull within 6 points; I didn’t care if they won this game or not.
Tennessee at San Diego. Correct.
I asked what would be the larger number – the Chargers final score or Philip Rivers’ pass attempts. Score: 40. Pass Attempts: 35.
Washington at Dallas. Wrong.
I was wrong on this one because I though the game would be closer. Now we get to see the sports media over-hype Terrell Owens’ finger injury and ponder time and time again if he will or will not play in Philadelphia a few weeks from now. Goodie.
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville. Correct.
Now I get to hear the tales of woe from the local sports idiots in my neck of the woods. The Steelers played a team that is like them in many ways. The Steelers played a team that was 12-4 last year. The Steelers played a team that beat them at home in the regular season last year. This defeat shouldn’t have been a surprise. One thing I took note of was the ESPN announcers talk regarding Byron Leftwich and his self-described inability to run, especially considering his race and the position he plays.
I never saw Byron Leftwich as a black quarterback, ever … ever…
Is it OK for me to play quarterback, even though I have trouble scrambling out of the pocket?
Overall Score: 8-8. Cumulative Score: 17-15. Hooray for mediocrity.
9 p.m.
• So sad. I was putting a portfolio together when I decided to fuck around instead. Damn you Internet. Oh, for as much bitching about stupid commericals, I have to admit I like this one. And it deals with
This one's good, too, but I like the first better.
6 p.m.
• What punitive damages? You were a shitbag before this story which did you in.
• My vote would be to asterisk the ball.
Blasting it off into space just seems too… eh. I wouldn’t be convinced that it actually happened. The ball would probably just be hidden in some backlot, only to appear when I’m in a nursing home and making me even more skeptical of this world.
• Damn, now EVERYONE is getting tasered (well, actually this happened last year, but whatever).
Hey, just because someone is in a wheelchair that doesn’t mean they should get any special privileges. Remember, “disabled” doesn’t mean “unable.” Besides, those wheelchairs can hurt. I should know. During my theater days some frequent customer who everybody hated got pissed at me one day and drove this motorized beast into my shin. I didn’t really care, and actually thought it was funny, but it gave me an excuse to act “faux pissed” at him, thus giving me an out in never having to deal with him. I mean, I could only fuck with his mind because it appeared that God already beat me to the physical part.
Oh, yeah. Back to the story at hand. Fuck this family. Next time some psycho family member is on a relative's private property with weapons, the cops should just stay away and let them sort it out with hugs.
• The only thing weird ever to come out of my bunghole was string during my adolescent days (still trying to figure that one out – yeah I ate some string but not that much, and not that color). Now the things that have gone into my browneye – that’s another story.
• So it was late Saturday night and I was flipping through channels looking for something worthwhile to watch. I then stumbled across this “Black.White.” show on FX. Now I had seen previews for this thing, and it was about this black family who got painted white and this white family who got painted black. I guess the purpose of this stupid idea was for each family to walk a mile (or a month) in the other family's shoes and learn about racial harmony and all that other gay stuff. I had no intention of watching this shit, but you'll take what you can get when it’s late at night and you don’t feel like moving from the couch.
Holy fuck is this an awful show.
I watched the season finale, and thank God I skipped to the end of this stupid show. Although I was off in my over/under prediction on how long it would be before one of the white people were branded a RACIST by one of the the ni—, err, someone from the African-American family (I had my money on the second half of the show; the father got hit with the “R” word in the first half hour), there was still plenty of insanity to keep me entertained. One highlight for me was the 17-year old white chick that was in tears because the people in her urban poetry class (or whatever those stupid groups are call who try to sound like Digable Planets) were tearing apart her poems. I could comment more about the goofy white mom who was trying to understand why the troubled black youth from the other family was anti-social, but I have to get to the best part of this show.
I mentioned the black family had a teen-age son. I guess he’s running afoul of the law or something. Now I don’t know exactly what went on in previous episodes, nor do I care to find out, but this kid’s parents were worried that he was going down the wrong path. So what did they do? The took him to the Museum of Tolerance.
The Museum of Tolerance.
The Museum of Mother Fucking Tolerance.
For the South Park fans out there who remember Lemiwinks and Mr. Slave fist appearance, yes, there is such a thing as the Museum of Tolerance. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself. I will never brush aside anything Trey Parker Matt and Stone ever put into their shows again. I’m now convinced that my idiot boss is a crab person.
Anyway, if you ever stumble across this “Black.White.” show, do yourself a favor and just watch the season finale so you can witness for yourself the Museum of Tolerance. And if you should ever pay a visit to the Museum of Tolerance, find out for me if they have a smoking section.
• Speaking of tolerance, a while back I goofed on my pals from across the Pond because a British theme park was going to have a “Muslim Day.” I laughed too soon. My favorite parts from this article:
Great, so now we have to chalk up waiting in long lines for a roller coaster ride as one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male. In addition, how can "the cries of Allahu Akbar would be heard everywhere" when there are no infidels allowed in the park during the Great Muslim Adventure Day?
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This Mexican chick calls and says that she is divorced with two kids – ages 6 and 4. She then said that she’s been divorced for 4 years. When the host asks why was she knocked up at the same time she was splitting up with the ex, the caller responds, “Because his parents told him to leave me.” She then complains that he never visits his kids and when the subject of her moving back to her parents' house is brought up, the caller says she can never go back because her two kids (ages 6 and 4) told her that they want to have their own place.
Runner-up: This 13-year old boy called and said that he has this girl “friend” that is overweight and has no self-esteem. All the boys in school like this girl’s mom who “parties and gets down” with this kid’s friends at her house and at various school functions.
