10:15 p.m.
• Only one thing to talk about but boy it’s a doozy. This evening the better half was in the bedroom watching Golden Girls or some shit when the phone rang. The caller ID identified the call as from the university where she works. Figuring it would be her boss in the office late or the newly hired work-study for what reason or another, I picked up the phone. I should had known better when the girl said, “May I speak with Mrs. kkk?” but I figured it could be the work-study person acting all professional and shit. Guess who it was? Some college student pseudo telemarketer asking her to donate to this thing called the “Book Fund.” What is the Book Fund you ask? This fundraising drive to help students pay for the “ever-rising costs of education.” You got to be shitting me.
I never understood this logic. You take out tens of thousands of dollars in tuition and boarding fees (if you’re a dorm student), and you can’t afford to pay for your books. Are you shitting me? But kkk, it’s 2007. Books are Xpensive. Get the fuck out of here, you pathetic sniveling little bitches. Want to know what my Book Fund was? My paycheck. Get a job and quit your whining. Oh if my alma mater would call me with this kind of shit. Then again, I don’t bother to respond to any of their fundraising material I get in the mail, so I probably wouldn’t bother to pick up the phone if the ID gives the name of my school
• OK, I lied. Mrs. kkk told me about this story today and I had to read it for myself.
I think I’ve established over the years that I’m a pets > people person, but I’m actually going to side with the shelter on this one. Hey, Ellen, you didn’t follow the rules of the contract. I don’t give a shit about your boo-hooing. If anything, you should have taken the dog back to the shelter, explain the situation and do some transfer thingy to the other family. Rules are rules, even if they are stupid. If you are pitching a fit over this, imagine what will happen when Big Government takes over your health care and doesn’t allow you to see the physician of your choosing. Say, maybe we can accuse the shelter of a HATE CRIME. That’ll fix it. Oh, I’m not worried about the dog. This pooch is going to get snagged up so fast it’ll probably make your head spin. But the dog is away from its FAMILY. It’s a dog. Give it a bowl of food and an asshole to sniff and the animal will go, “Who were those people I sniffed the other day?”
10 p.m.
• I haven't seen "Casino Royale" yet, but did this really happen? If so, I hope he also wore a seat belt whenever he was in a car.
7:30 p.m.
• So this past weekend the brother-in-law had some Halloween trail set up in the woods behind his house for his kids and a number of their friends, and I was one of the people that did stuff to scare the kids. No, I didn’t tell them about the story of my life. I hid in some trees and threw these ghosts disguised as plastic bags with stuff in them. Of course the one ghosts no-sold my attempt at releasing it, but the other one that swung at an angle hit some kid in the head and had him screaming like a girl. Good. This kid has been over my brother-in-law’s house during his son’s birthday parties and stuff, and he’s a little spazz. Of course, I had no idea it was him that I hit. My instructions were to aim for the center of the herd. Then again, it wasn't as bad as the chainsaw guy not being able to start up his weapon of choice, but that's what happens when there's more empty bottles of beer out along the trail than there are actual people. Despite all these glitches, this first-ever jaunt was a success. Too bad in a few years these kids will be out back in the wilderness screwing rather than bobbing for apples. They grow up so fast.
Afterward, when all the kids left, a group of us gathered around the kitchen table and stuffed ourselves with all sorts of sugary shit. Among the plates of gummy worm chocolate cake, several kinds of puddings, chips, nachos and other junk food, there was a huge bowl of candy with real bars of Crunches and Hershey bars. Being in the mood for a Kit-Kat, I took one and ate it. On the way home the following conversation was had. Figure out who is who.
Seriously, who starts collecting candy in the middle of October and puts it as part of their Halloween stash? And these weren’t those gay “fun bars.” These were full-fledged regular-sized candy bars. And there was a HUGE bowl full of them. Christ, their teeth will be falling out if they ate all that shit. I remember one year I kept my candy supply until the new year. Not sure why. I guess maybe to prove to myself I could. *Shrug.*
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 5: Cancer Marney
When you think about it, there are some scary-ass things in life. For example, remember the construction zone you drive through every day on the way to work/school? You know, the one with all the big machines that can crush your vehicle in an instant? There’s a good chance the guy operating that crane is the drunk cousin of a crew foreman. When you need an operation, how would you feel knowing that your surgeon was the one who cheated on his tests in order to pass them? And let’s not even talk about where the meat portion of your dinner came from and who helped put that dead flesh on your plate.
However, not everything in this world is negative. There are good people out there. Remember when those towel heads flew two airplanes into the World Trade Center? Well you probably don’t because there’s enough sheeple out there ready to elect Hitlery, but I digress. Remember when those towers were ready to crumble and New York’s finest were running into the burning buildings to rescue as many people as they could? There are people out there going after the bad guys, and this poster is one such freedom fighter. And who is Ms. Marney going after -- Arabs? Russians? Chinamen? The French? I don’t exactly know. From what I’ve read over the years, this person reads a bunch of government reports or something. But that’s not why she’s on this list. She’s on this list because she’s an evil
bitch.
And that’s why she’s my goddess, not to mention protector -- if not from Abdul flying in coach with that fuse hanging out from his shoe, then from posters from across the pond.
8 p.m.
• So that trick-or-treat thing went on last night and we had the biggest turnout EVER~! Or at least for us. Mrs. kkk got through all 27 of her gi-normous candy bags (she puts like 10 pounds of shit in these tiny candy bags – it’s quite impressive, actually), finished off the “emergency stash” and she even had to give away a 100 calorie Nutter Butter bar because we had one brat late. Bitch, those Nutter Butters are hella good.
It’s amusing to be at the kkk house on Halloween. Our “official” trick-or-treat time is from 6-8 p.m. First the better half bitches when we don’t get anyone from 6-6:10. She also looks out the front window the whole time looking for people dressed as Spiderman and monsters. Then when we finally get a group of kids she gives them their candy and kicks them out. No, “awww, look, you’re a ladybug” small talk. Just “Get yo’ mothafuckin’ food, leave it in the car, n*gga get out.” (Three points for anyone that catches that reference without the help of Google.) It’s hilarious to watch this obsession, and when I made a comment about her lack of small talk she started bitching about how kids just want to go house to house and get candy. I agree, but the smaller kids like being gushed over while dressed up as Batman. Damn, I’m speaking for the children. Subject change. Now.
During this time we had Bravo’s 100 SCARIEST MOVIE MOMENTS. Good God was this retarded. But we kept it on because there was nothing else Halloweeny on except for the Michael Myers-fest on AMC. Then, after these 100 SCARY MOMENTS there were 30 EXTRA ONES that I DVR’d so I could goof on them today. Army of Darkness was included in this one. ARMY OF DARKNESS? Look, I have this movie. I like this movie. BUT IT’S NOT SCARY! You don’t watch this film to be scared. You watch this film for stuff like “I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and shit... and Jack just left town.”
9 p.m.
• So I clicked on one of those right-wing t-shirt links by accident and came across this. Had no idea of this before creating my TSM account's subject line. Well, I'm sure there have been other people to go, "Free Mumia? I wish I could FRY MUMIA~!" before I put this witty line in my profile.
• Yeah, that AIDS just creeps up on poor women and does its thing.
• So I'm watching a bit of college football over the past year or so and figured why not make my own Top 25 list. Becaue there's no real champion because due to the fa
8:30 p.m.
• So I'm watching a bit of college football over the past year or so and figured why not make my own Top 25 list. Becaue there's no real champion because due to the fact 1-A Football doesn't have a playoff system, it makes the idiots who actually believe this is a good idea say, "THIS MAKES EVERY WEEK IN THE REGULAR SEASON LIKE A PLAYOFF GAME." With that in mind, here's my list:
kkk's Top 25
1) Ohio State
2) Kansas
3) Hawaii
4-25) Nobody, BECAUSE EVERYBODY ELSE IS ELIMINATED IN THE REGULAR SEASON TOURNAMENT
Boy, what an exciting way to run a sport. And for those that wonder about my insight into college football, keep in mind I had no idea Notre Dame had a 40+ year winning streak against Navy until I heard about it yesterday.
• Good Christ, the NBC channels are doing some hippie "green" promotion this week with their programs to raise "awareness" about the environment. Thank God I don't watch that much television. Well, I do, but not in the NBC family.
7:15 p.m.
• Remember, it's not only the U.S. that has stupid laws. From a survey of Brits about dumb laws from across the Pond.
7 p.m.
• I vote in every Shittsburgh mayoral election. Problem is I vote with my feet.
You know there’s something messed up with the left-wing Post-Gazette endorses the REPUBLICAN candidate for mayor. God it’s going to be great watching the city go even further down the shitter, all the while local politicians will be blaming the evil suburbanites for everything.
• In my neck of the woods, the township commissioner candidate I voted lost thanks to a huge turnout by the other guy 437-258. I always like looking at local returns and seeing the tiny vote totals. I remember seeing some in the past where one vote decided an election.
10: 30 p.m.
• Global warming blahblahblah.
You know, can you guy worry about genocide and stuff before trying to tackle this sort of stuff?
10 p.m.
• I saw the opening to this article without the dateline in view.
Time to guess where the story took place -- Alabama, West Virginia, Mississippi?
Try Washington.
9 p.m.
• So the better half and I went to the local Chinese buffet today, and they (thankfully) hired some chick who spoke English to make customer transactions. Now I don’t know if this chick was naturally well-endowed or if it was the low-cut shirt doing most of the talking; however, this was a prime example of a “cleavage trap.” I’m sorry, but I’m a believer in “less is more.” If a woman has to showcase her goods in such a blatant manner, chances are one of several things:
1) They have no brain or personality and have to rely on their fun bags for self-satisfaction.
2) It’s a “trap,” which they will more than happily spring on some guy they don’t want staring at their chest, going “OMG U PERVERT~!”
3) Ample ventilation is needed to prevent overheating “down there.”
Not sure what the reason was for our customer service representative. All I cared about was that I didn’t have to say, “excuse me?” or “huh?” 20 times when trying to understand what the cashier was saying. God I’m getting old.
7 a.m.
• So I got an e-mail from some place that asked "Don't know where to meet the local bar slut?" Well it made me laugh. Then again, perhaps it being 7 a.m. on a Monday morning might have something to do with it, too.
8 p.m.
• So it was 5:30 p.m. and “Around the Horn” was finishing up. Then I see it on the bottom part of my television screen.
OMG BARRY BONDS INDICTED STAY TUNED FOR THE LATEST
That was my cue to change the channel.
I went about my life for several house and without thinking about it I turn on ESPN for some reason or another at 7:30 p.m.
They were still talking about Barry f’n Bonds.
Come on people – he got INDICTED! I could indicted for ‘roids. You could get indicted for ‘roids. I find it funny it took this long and cost God knows how much money. And this is coming from Barry Hater #1.
• You know, I always wondered what would happen in a situation like this. Now I do. Score one for California this time. Well, at least the part of the state that the blacks and Hispanics haven't invaded ... yet.
Uh oh, here comes the R word...
Here's some more good stuff.
• I didn’t read any farther than the headline.
I don’t want to. I’m sure whatever the plan will cost $1 million and end up with a $5 billion tab after six months.
10 p.m.
• Detroit? You don't say.
• Don't you know that not allowing a cherry to pop on a person's wedding night is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male? From across the Pond.
8:30 p.m.
• So I just got back from watching "Beowolf" movie. And just how many marriages does Angelina Jolie destroy? God almighty. And for the last week or so the better half has been going batshit over this thing. "OMG it's all in CGI. OMG OMG OMG." No big deal, I thought. Bunch of special effects. Then several minutes in I notice the whole thing looks like a Pixar movie. "What is this shit?" I say.
"It's all CGI. I told you this."
"The WHOLE thing?"
"Yes. Don't you ever listen to anything I say?"
It was there. Didn't read the book/poem/whatever. Don't care.
4:45 p.m.
• So Swift Terror’s wife just popped out a kid. Here’s how the conversation between me and Mrs. kkk took place when I told her the news.
“Mrs. Terror just squirted out a kid.”
“What? They weren’t due for another few weeks. What happened?”
“Dunno.”
“What sex is it?”
“Dunno. Looked like a boy.”
“What is his name?”
“Dunno. But there was a name on a card/poster in one of the pictures he sent me.”
"What was it?"
"Dunno."
And here’s a conversation we had about the baby monitor we got the Terror household a little while back.
“Did Swift Terror tell you that they got the baby monitor delivered?”
“No.”
“Then how do we know if somebody didn’t steal it from their front door?”
“Because they live in an all-white neighborhood.”
“But what if it got stolen?”
“Well we have the receipt, so we’re covered if they bitch about us not sending them anything.”
I swear to Christ she was so obsessed about the Terror household getting this hippie baby monitor that I’m sure it would have been less annoying if she were the one eight months knocked up. Besides, she’s didn’t want to spend that much on Swift Terror anyway because she hates him and his wife. Did I just type that? Oh well, what’s the chance of him actually reading this anyway? Oh, here’s another difference between men and women. These are actual quotes that were said upon learning of the Terror’s newest download.
Her: “Well I’m glad we got them that monitor when we did because they can put it to good use.”
Me: “I’m glad we got the monitor to them early so that $100 we spent won’t be as big a waste as I thought it would.”
And as I told Terror via PM, the thought of being responsible for another human life in this world just scares the shit out of me. Hell, we lost Dessa when we first brought her home as a kitten 5 minutes into her stay with us (she was hiding behind some Genesis cartridge boxes).
10 p.m.
• Oh man. If the Muslims weren't pissed off at us already, wait until this shit starts showing up on their televisions. (Allah lets them own TV sets, right?)
LOL at the quote in the last paragraph. You just don't want to get your head chopped off. Yeah, MTV will start out by playing videos, but then you guys will soon have "Real Worlds" "Road Rules" and all that other crap that has spawned long after I stopped watching this station. Then again, I'd love to see those "Sweet 16" shows. "Abia wanted something special for her 16th birthday, but when we went shopping for burkas for the big day a man from across the street looked at her, which is the worst thing you can do to a Muslim father. So we stoned her and gave the offending oogler a goat."
• Wait, so now cBS news writers are on strike?
And here I thought all the comedy/fictional writers were already walking the picket line in Tinseltown.
8 p.m.
• The better half and I have to take our newer car for its annual inspection in a few months. I talked a while back about going to this one regular place with our 1988 Corsica that’s about ready to go to the big junkyard up in the sky, and the inspection guy said this car needed a whole bunch of work. Oh hell, I’m too lazy to type all this shit up again.
Well now it’s time for the newer car to get inspected. Mrs. kkk wanted to go to another inspection place because of what the above-mentioned auto shop supposedly did to rip us off. One problem. The place that she wanted to go charges $50 dollars just to get in the door. Now she was flipping out about this but I wasn’t. More power to this guy. Look, if he can maintain a large enough client base with charging $50 upfront he must be doing something right. Mrs. kkk then asked if I wanted to take the car to him. “Hell no,” I said. “There may be people that will pay $50 for the privilege of this guy looking at their car, but I’m not one of those people.” We’re going back to the first mechanic since the newer car is still under warranty and if anything major is needed (which is unlikely) then we’ll just go somewhere else.
11:15 p.m.
• Let's see, you could have (see my 1 p.m. entry below for context)...
Ohio State v. USC in the Rose Bowl
West Virginia v. Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl
Hawaii v. Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl
LSU v. Georgia (or Missouri if you'd like) in the Sugar Bowl
Then there would be two semi-final games by the winners of the above-mentioned matchups and then finally a title contest between the final two standing.
Or you could just have LSU v. Ohio State. Yeah, that'll work.
1 p.m.
• Well, it's been a GREAT college football season, and since the anti-playoff queerbos say that a postseason isn't needed for Division 1A college football because the regular seaon is like one big playoff system, then hats off to this year's champion.
The 11-0 University of Hawaii Whatever-They're-Called
I admit it -- I know jack shit about college football. However, I did hear once that there are six BcS conferences. Why can't they just have the champs from each of these six conferences, give a slot to a non-conference team and another bid to an at-large team and have an eight-team playoff? The first round could be your hippie bowl games.
Rose Bowl: Big 10 champ vs. Pac 10 champ.
Orange Bowl: Big East vs. ACC champ.
Fiesta Bowl: Non BcS team vs. Big 12 champ.
Sugar Bowl: SEC champ vs. At large team.
Want to add a few more at-large teams or smaller conference champs? Fine. I don't care. As I said above, I know nothing about college football (among other things). I just spent 5 minutes searching Wikipedia and came up with a better way to determine a champion in big-time college football than what's being done now.
11:45 p.m.
• If Smues can have his shitty entries, then so can I.
8:45 p.m.
• I heard a day or so ago on local radio that the Pirates were talking with the Cleveland Indians about trading Jason Bay. The talks have since died down. Why oh why does anyone buy a ticket to PNC Park?
• Got a second interview at another place tomorrow. Not sure if I feel like writing about this shit yet. After all, if I don’t get either job, what’s the point of talking about it. I think what sucks the most when job-hunting is that you research the company, you customize a resume/cover letter, if you’re lucky, you schedule the first interview, you prepare for the first interview, if you’re luckier you schedule and prepare the second interview. After all that and you don’t get hired, then it’s back to Square One. !@#%&*
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Dodie calls in and starts talking. Sorry, I was doing work and wasn’t paying much attention. Something about getting a house with her fiancée. Now Dr. Laura wasn’t yelling at this person, so I’m assuming she wasn’t living in sin. Well, when they went to the bank for a mortgage it was revealed that the fiancée had a considerable amount of debt. When asked about this – the lesser half said that he “forgot all about it.”
8 p.m.
• I'll take the Cowboys to win by 10+ points.
• Atari Porn. That's all I got to say.
10:15 a.m.
• So the primary car needs its annual inspection along with some brake work. We turned it into the gas station/mechanic’s place yesterday, and I had to wait 10 minutes for the poor cashier to get done ringing up some guy with a shitload of instant lottery tickets. Ugh. I’ve stated several times before that I hate lottery people, especially at a Quickie Mart. The point of a convenience store is to get in and out fast, and wanting to cash in a dozen lottery tickets, along with buying a dozen more, defeats this purpose. It’s like paying for 13 grocery items in a 10-item express lane via check. Oh well. I really wasn’t annoyed by this, but it was sad to see the poor cashier with the deer-in-headlights look because her line was growing due to this douche in front of her hoping to hit it big with government-sanctioned gambling. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. So I got the call this morning from the mechanic about the brakes needing replaced, which I figured. It was sad to hear the bracing-for-the-total-cost tone in his voice because I just don’t get how people will flip out over the cost of auto repair. Don’t like the cost? Don’t get the work done at that place of business. The price given to me was fine – my only requirement is that I don’t want to come back for the same problem a week from now. Then I will turn into my asshole state.
• I actually went into this article with a somewhat open mind because I was curious to see how much of a commie Barack Obama was a decade ago.
Oddly enough, many times I don’t care about the “OMG he said this 10 years ago~!” gotcha game. Before he became House Minority Leader in the ‘90s Dick Gephart seemed like a decent enough person. Problem was he was now the representative for all the crackpot liberals so he had to turn up the wacko-notch a bit. Even Al Gore seemed to start off as a conservative Democrat while in Congress before becoming the enviro-weenie he is today. So let’s see what Obama said back in the day.
Whatever. I know the guy’s full of shit, but at least he’s saying the right things to convince the stupid among us that he’d actually be a so-called moderate voice. Hello, what’s this?
You’re blaming a STAFFER for not giving accurate beliefs you are supposed to hold? And you never bothered to correct the record when it went out? Hell, you didn’t even bother to LOOK OVER WHAT THE STAFFER WROTE? OK, I’m done.
11:59 p.m.
• So the paperwork finally came through and I'll be working at another place of employment in '08. The question now is when do I quit my current job. For as much as I want to get the hell out of there, I just know if I do so Monday, they will do everything in their power to screw me out of my vacation/holiday time for the past week. Now I'm in the mood for some workplace stories, so expect a few in the near future.
12:45 p.m.
• Good boy.
8 p.m.
• Gimmie the Pats.
1:30 p.m.
• So in honor of my soon-to-be departure from my current job, let me take a trip down memory lane for what I like to call the “Nursing Home Roundup.”
It was just over a year ago and my idiot boss was getting ready for our quarterly marketing meeting. Despite our head salesman also being on this marketing committee, he (nor I) never have any idea as to what would be discussed at this event. All that would happen is that our Board of Directors would come from out of state and rubber-stamp everything my idiot boss says. Right before this particular meeting started, the idiot tells our head salesman (I’ll call him Mike), to “follow my lead.” The idiot then gives a presentation about a newfound guaranteed issue promotion to get more money. This left Mike speechless and let me tell you why.
I’m not an insurance salesman, and I doubt you are as well, so let me do an overview of what a guaranteed issue plan is. When you get life insurance, you have fill out some paperwork and undergo a medical examination. It is usually after these examinations that the insurer finds something wrong with the insuree and jacks up the original premium from the advertised amount that initially attracted the insuree. What a guaranteed issue plan does is eliminate the need for a medical examination. So who does this plan attract? Those people who are unable to get life insurance due to their health condition. Get it? Got it? Good.
Right after this meeting, Mike was livid because he said this program was a terrible way to grow the organization. In previous meetings there was talk about getting insurance plans together to attract new members, and all this guaranteed issue plan would do is keep squeezing our already dwindling supply of customers. In addition, he said the only people who would get this plan are those too sick or old to get any other kind of insurance. And he was right. (And because this was a Guaranteed Issue plan, Mike [or any of our agents] didn’t get a commission on any sales they did.)
After manually stuffing envelopes for a week (yes, my powers-that-be don’t believe in outsourcing this menial labor or investing in a folding machine), we mailed out more than 17,000 solicitations to our customers. What was our response rate? Years ago I was told in a college class that if a direct mailing campaign gets a three-to-five percent response rate, then champagne is poured and parties are had. We got less than a one percent response – I think the final number was around 110. And out of these 110, more than half were people older than 65 years of age. In fact, one person DIED just three weeks after being approved. Why do I call this event the “Nursing Home Roundup”? Because that’s just what we did. Instead of trying to market to young families or several other demographic groups that Mike said our organization desperately needed to reach, we went with those whose address is at the local hospice.
When the results of the Nursing Home Roundup were given at a Board Meeting several months later, it was hilarious to see my idiot boss try to spin this disaster into a positive and said the following: “Did the Guaranteed Issue Plan produce what I thought it would? No. Am I disappointed by the results? No. This was the short in the arm that we needed.” It was then a director asked about some “costs” that weren’t included in my idiot boss’ report, pointing out that labor costs for the dozen or so office employees who stuffed the envelopes for a week weren’t listed (the cost to mail these letters out was well in the thousands – near the $10,000 mark). The idiot’s response? “You can do that.” By “do that” he meant “You can factor that in.” See, when you work with an unethical piece of shit, you have to listen to what this person actually says. Trying to get a liar to give you a direct “yes” or “no” answer can be quite a challenge. However, it’s also really fun to do. Here’s another example of watching what someone says.
As our head insurance salesman, you would assume that Mike would be out on the road attending various public events, meeting people and making contacts. Uh, no. Despite having a $5,000 expense budget (which is a joke in itself due to its pittance of an amount), Mike is never allowed to spend this money. Mike only went to two events this past year with costs amounting to $800. The first trip he went on was for an insurance seminar presentation, and the second trip was some annual outing where he meets and greets clients and prospective members. This event was halfway across the country and only put in expenses for gas, tolls and lodging. When it was all said and done, that amount was just under $500. Once he turned in his expense form, he was asked, “In what capacity did you attend this event?” You see, Mike was dressed in “casual” attire and roamed throughout the event’s location talking to people as if he was “one of them” rather than being dressed in a stuffy suit. For some odd reason, people tend to feel more comfortable talking about life insurance and other financial issues in a casual atmosphere. I have no idea why. I would think walking into a sterile office environment with a suit-and-tie salesman would be ideal place to talk about someone a person knows nothing about.
Why am I bringing this up? Because one time a Director asked the idiot boss why Mike’s ability to travel was limited. The idiot’s response: “Mike can go anywhere he wants.” See, Mike can go anywhere he wants, but it would have to be on his own dime, which of course he can’t afford to do. However, my idiot boss can spend several thousand dollars of our organization’s money to take a useless trip to California.
And there's plenty more where this came from.
6:45 p.m.
• Gee, I hope this doesn’t ruin Huckabee’s chances in California. After all, that state has been up for grabs in presidential elections in recent memory.
• So I guess a person has to wait until the president he/she tried to kill actually dies before being let free. That's nice.
11 p.m.
• So today the better half had a case of the morning sickness and didn’t go into work. As she was calling off, she asked me what excuse she should use. My response: “Uh, you’re pregnant, you threw up and you feel like shit.” She wanted to say our roads were bad from the overnight snowfall. Right.
• I really don’t care so much about this story....
... but reading it brought back memories of this local Chinese buffet my friend and I went to during my college days. The food was fine and we ate our share (going to any buffet with even a somewhat full stomach is blasphemy in my opinion), but we would stay well after the lunch buffet “ended” just bs’ing. We didn’t try to get any extra food, and the place was never really crowded in the afternoon, so we weren’t keeping other customers away. However, the owners HATED us, and their reaction to us leaving was always amusing. A few years later the place burned down. Can’t remember if it was arson or not – I think some insurance fraud was suspected, but I’m not sure. Either that or they got really sick of me stopping by.
Speaking of these places, here’s another story, and it also involves Mrs. kkk. When we lived at Sappy Valley, we would go to this local Chinese buffet. Well one time the better half bit off more than she could chew from her sweet and sour pork and had to throw it back up in the bathroom. Knowing that our eating experience was over, I explained to the owner that we just came in and got one plate of food. I said that Mrs. kkk has this condition where if she doesn’t chew her food she sometimes risks regurgitation and such an incident just happened. I didn’t want to throw her food away and asked if I could just put her meal in a take-out container. After all, they also had this take-out deal where you fill a container with grub for a cheaper price than doing the buffet thing. After much skepticism, I was finally permitted to have a to-go container. By this time the better half returned from the bathroom. I told her what I did and noticed that the owner and his wife where staring at every move I was making. It was about this time when Mrs. kkk said to me, “Think you can go up there and get a few egg rolls for later?”
Sure, if you wanted to set off the machine gun turrets this place had fixed on us.
Oh, and like the article above, it would always take some prodding to get more crab legs at the State College buffet. Then again, they were just trying to make a living, so I never cared about that one seafood selection. Espeically since the local college students would empty the crab leg bin as soon as it was filled.
4:15 p.m.
• Even though I clinched a first-round bye in my kkk Bowl league (had I been playing this year), I might as well see how good (or bad) I would have done this round.
Washington @ Seattle (3.5)
Seattle 27, Washington 17
I’m not high on Seattle, but I’m chalking this one up to the home-team-wins-on-Wild-Card-Weekend. I’ll tell you what, though. If the Redskins win and reach the Conference Championship round, it’s going to make for one hell of a story.
(2.5) Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
Jacksonville 27, Pittsburgh 10
I can see this game going a number of ways. Jacksonville can just go out there and make Pittsburgh its bitch, or the Steelers will learn and adjust from their first game and win. To do this, I think the Steelers will have to become more of a passing team than a running team. But what’s most odd about this game is that there has been absolutely no fan excitement in the week leading up to this game in the Southwestern Pennsylvania region. Now that is a bad sign.
N.Y. Giants @ Tampa Bay (3.5)
N.Y. Giants 13, Tampa Bay 23
Much like the Steeler game, I can see this one going one of two ways. The Giants took that loss to the Patriots and built some momentum, or they are going to have one hell of a letdown and have the Bucs, which hasn’t done shit in recent weeks, run all over them. I’m opting for the latter because that’s all you’ll be hearing about afterward from the national media: “OMG the Giants should have rested everybody in Week 17~!”
Tennessee @ San Diego (9.5)
Tennessee 10, San Diego 20
I like Vince Young, but I don’t see how the Titans can pull this one off. Their only hope is that Rivers has a terrible game and the Tennessee defense stifles the Chargers rushing attack. Perhaps Young, who is hurt, will be pulled during this game and Collins will rally the troops, but I think San Diego will get out of the first round this year.
11:15 p.m.
• Even though the ad as a whole isn't all that great, what makes me love this spot is Jerry Jones at the very end saying, "Hey, you need this ... I'll take those."
11:59 p.m.
• Wow, you got to love local news. The NBC station is leading off with fan reaction to tonight's Steeler loss. You'd think the mayor died. Get over it, people. IT'S A GAME. Be glad they lost a close game at home to a better team rather than going on the road and losing in a blowout to a MUCH better team.
7:30 p.m.
• So the better half and I went to one of her friend’s house for some birthday party. Not only did the friend’s kid celebrate his fifth birthday, but this was also a place for the usual family members to meet and greet. With this being the first time many of these people have seen the better half since it was announced she was knocked up, we heard a lot of, “what until you have one of your own,” whenever one of the kids in attendance did something.
Some kid screaming for no apparent reason: “Wait until you have one of your own.”
Some kid running around at full speed and crashing into furniture: “Wait until you have one of your own.”
Some kid asking for a present that has yet to be assembled: “Wait until you have one of your own.”
Let’s just say on the drive home Mrs. kkk wasn’t too thrilled with being told 20 times “Wait until you have one of your own.” I didn’t mind the references. Then again, I didn’t hear any of them because I wasn’t paying attention for most of the afternoon. Had I been listening to any of the conversations going on, I would have just counted this “one of your own” stuff with, “Well, I’ll be sure not to pop out a troll.”
Actually, even I did listen to these people, I don't think this "Wait until you have one talk" would have bothered me much. After all, it can't be as annoying as the people that used to come into the Quickie Mart at 6 a.m. and comment on us being up so early. However, what I do see happening in the future is dealing with people who question the way I'm raising kkk Jr. I'm sure those exchanges will be fun.
• Man, I’ll tell you what – today could have been a bad one. I had just gotten out of the shower for said party, dried myself off and put on some clothes. I then went back into the bathroom to get a few things off the one ledge in shower – toothbrush, razor, etc., Suddenly I slipped and fell into the bathtub. When I put out my left hand to cushion the fall, my thumb went back. However, it didn’t go back far enough to break or even sprain. However, it was close enough. It hurt like hell for a few minutes (in fact, it’s still a bit sore), and it made me think of how bad the rest of my day would have been if that thumb would have went back just a tad bit more.
11 p.m.
• I'm not about to read this article, but the headline says it all.
Now if he should win the Democrat nomination and lose in the general election, I can see the next AP Headline.
OK, so I lied. I looked over the article mentioned above, and found this:
A Republican in San Francisco?
Now would I vote for a black presidential candidate? Sure, as long as they'd be willing to bomb brown people.
6:30 p.m.
• So I had “Around the Horn” on and they were talking about some golf chick saying something mean about Tiger Woods. Oh? This ought to be good. Time to make that bitch pay because no matter what she would have said/done a white man doing the same thing would be worse off 100-fold. So after the commercial break I found out what she did.
You got to be fucking kidding me. THAT? Of course, on “PTI” Wilbon was talking about this and said that he would like to watch that “Great Debaters” movie with this chick, get to the scene where there’s a lynching and then “talk about it” afterwards “over coffee.”
For fuck’s sake people, no wonder Hitlery won the primary after crying. My God are we a bunch of pussies. If certain words are soooooooooooooooooooooooooo terrible, and soooooooooooooooooooooooooo hurtful, why don’t we just ban them outright and give prison terms to people that dare say such mean things? If she would have said Tiger's wife loved his colored dong on live TV, then I could understand her getting into a bit of trouble. But lynching? Even I felt bad for this woman, and I have no idea who she is.
It could have been worse, though. She could have said that the liberal sports media gushes over Tiger because they want to see a golfer of color succeed in the PGA.
• Speaking of Hitlery, I heard a few stories after her New Hampshire win that a bunch of soccer moms decided to vote for her after she cried. Uh, lemme get this straight. The same people that were totally off on the polling results now want us to believe them when it comes to this? Next thing you know, there will be news publications out there telling us that global warming will kill us when a generation ago these same media sources told us global cooling would do us in. Boy, it’s good thing that hasn’t happened.
12:45 p.m.
• Time for pickks -- wait a second, I lost in the divisional round. Nevermind.
Oh what the heck: Chargers 7, Patriots 42; Giants 24, Packers 21.
10:30 p.m.
• Oh well, at least I appeared smart in one of my selections.
8:45 p.m.
• Well today was my first day at the new job. Man, I wish you could just fast-forward a few months to the point where you get a handle on what you’re doing. I hate this “OK, now what do I do?” crap. I know this job isn’t as hard as I’m making it out to be, but I am one of those people that actually gives a crap about the work I produce and it will be hard to do anything tomorrow because I’ll be taking a three-day trip Wednesday through Friday (which probably means no KK’s Korner) to some work conference that will probably help me out quite a bit. I'm sure in six months I'll be bitching that I don't get paid enough for what I do.
• So while I was gone today, the better half “reorganized” the closets. Instead of having one closet for each of us, we now have one for our room and a closet for kkk Jr. She has “our” closet split in half – one side with a bunch of hippie shelves, the other side a “normal” look. Guess which one of us has all our things on shelves? Yep. I guess that’s what happens when one person gets MLK day off and one person doesn’t. I'm actually impressed that she managed to fit all our shit into one closet, but I know there will be problems with space in the future. Oh well, that's for another time I guess.
10 p.m.
• So Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race -- was he ever in?
• Heath Ledger's dead. Whatever.
No obvious indication? I'm not saying he OD'd or anything, but when you're 28, dead and with prescriptoin sleeping pills nearby, can't there be SOME indication? Then again, most of us (present company included) thought there was something fishy about Sean Taylor's death and it turns out there wasn't. But that was because we were all RACISTS~! I guess thinking that there is a chance this Australian-born actor might have died from something other than natural causes would make us xenophobes.
8 a.m.
• So SUPER TUESDAY has come and went. Whatever. No matter who gets the nomination for my side or the other I’ll probably be ill. Sad thing is, I started thinking about who in my Party could be a viable candidate. I can’t think of anyone. Christ, and my commie neighbors will probably have Hitlery or Obama signs on their lawns this year. I might just get a McCain sign just to piss them off. I still have yet to make my mark on the primary season. Thanks, PA.
• I need to pay attention to the NBA more often than just before playoff time.
You know, I'd like to see this go down just to see Shaq Daddy run up and down the court like a fiend.
6:30 p.m.
• Well today we had to go to the hospital to get kkk jr. out of the better half. The procedure is known as a D&C. The whole thing took about 10-15 minutes, but the waiting/prep/etc. lasted the entire day. Even though the experience was godawful, I’ll say this: After walking by some of the “cancer centers” it could have been MUCH worse.
• I thought about this earlier today while watching footage of the Giants ticker-tape parade. You know who has got to have a shitty job? The people that plan for those kinds of events only to have the hometown team lose. I can’t imagine how much planning would be involved in arranging the security/travel/etc., and then to have nothing to show for it. Ugh.
8 p.m.
• So today I went to the bank to get another debit card. For years my former place of employment had direct deposit, so I had no need to go to the ATM machine. Now I will so it was time to get a card. This meant having to go in and talk to some bank person. Yay. To make matters better, I was in my jeans and unshaved-for-two-days face. I love it when this happens because these bank people think I’m some scrub looking to start a $50 super-saver account. Now the guy I dealt with gave the usual “Oh, you have THIS much money with us?” as he pulled up the kkk account, but it was nowhere near the extreme reaction I saw with this lady a few years back.
It was 2003 and the better half and I had just moved back to Pennsylvania. I needed to take my casher’s check that was taken from the Ohio-centered bank and deposit in a more venue-friendly locale. I decided on this one bank for its location. I had just done a few days worth of moving in the dog days of August and once again hadn’t shaved for a few days. As I walked into the bank after a few hours of moving heavy stuff in a duplex that had no air conditioning, I wasn’t at my prettiest. I said to one of the tellers that I wanted to open an account, and I was directed to one of the account managers in those fancy cubicles. I was seated with some middle-aged woman who had a few other things to do. This gave me the chance to listen to the guy sitting in the cubicle next to me, who was pleading his case to that account manager due to a number of checks that he bounced. He kept bitching that the fees charged to him for each bounced check just made his other checks go bad. Uh, that’s why you DON’T BOUNCE CHECKS. He then started this pseudo-sob story about how he doesn’t have a job and all that shit – damn Bush economy. I felt sorrier for the bank employee than I did this douche. Anyway, my account lady came back and began treating me like I was just like that guy sitting in the cubicle next to me. Then she took a look at my cashier’s check and did the following.
She perked up her head.
She opened up her eyes.
She said, “Oh.”
It took everything in me to refrain from laughing out loud. I get that these people deal with a lot of scuzzballs with $100 to their name, but don’t always judge a book by its cover. Of course, all that money eventually went to a house, wedding and credit-card debt relief for the better half. However, with all this taken care of, it’s time to get back to surprising bank people.
9:45 p.m.
• Shoot. I just heard on the local radio station that Boortz is on will replace him with two local schmoes whose short-lived stay on an FM talk channel whose format only lasted six months. And I can't listen to Neal at work anymore on-line. Bastards.
5:30 p.m.
• So while the better half was in surgery this week, it gave me the chance to read the first chapter of Glenn Beck’s “An Inconvenient Book.” The first chapter is devoted to goofing on enviro-wackos. Nothing really surprising. However, one thing I love to do (well, maybe not love) is read mainstream media accounts of issues back in the day. Take for example this gem from Newsweek published 4/28/1975, which was featured in Beck’s Book.
This was, of course, to combat global cooling. It’s a shame I wasn’t born a few years earlier than I was because I just missed the cooling craze. All I remember from my early years of schooling was some film that featured the “last clean place on earth.” It was some hippie greenhouse run by some … well, hippie. I guess the local people, who were dressed in HAZMAT gear, got tired of him and his animals breathing all that clear air and started knocking it down. For shame.
Oh, and here are some crazy quotes that are in Beck's book. I love reading stuff like this:
From enviro-wacko/EricMM's idol Paul Ehrlich in 1969:
In 1970:
Well, he was sorta right on this one. Although you have to substitute "dead fish" with "Mexicans."
6 p.m.
• So I saw this list, looked through the first few questions, and figured it would be worth doing to waste time. All these answers were the first things that came to mind.
Questions for those of us who live in Pittsburgh, PA
1. Primanti's or Pierogies?:
Primanti's by far. For those that don’t know, it’s a sandwich place. Some people treat this eatery as god-like, but I’m not nearly going to go that far. Been to one of these shops about a half-dozen times in my life. Liked the kielbasa.
2. Favorite ride at Kennywood?:
The line isn’t bad and the ride is solid. However, as a kid the Logjammer was my favorite. No, I’m not Catholic
3. Favorite mall?:
Now – Westmoreland Mall. Monroeville Mall has too many black people and Ross Park Mall turned too upscale during my Shittsburgh hiatus.
4. What school district did you go to?:
Hampton. Home of the Talbots. Even though I went there, this government school generally produced good students.
5. Which grocery store:
Giant Eagle. Long live the personal scanner.
6. Kennywood or Sandcastle?:
Kennywood, although Sandcastle water park is where I first met the better half. Then again, Kennywood in a landslide of Reagan/Mondale proportions.
7. Penguins, Pirates or Steelers?:
Hmmm. Pirates last. I like football over hockey, but the Steeler fans here are batshit. Give me the Pens, I guess.
8. Favorite event:
When I drive through the city every weekday on my way home to the cozy suburbs. Second thought: Opening Day for the Pirates; it’s always fun to watch them get blown out and crush the pennant dreams of the remaining delusional fans who think they have a chance at winning.
9. The Strip, South Side or Station Square?:
None. If forced to pick – the South Side. My last job had me go there for a vendor. That’s all.
10. Favorite place to see live music [indoor and outdoor]?
None. I don’t go to concerts. If I want to hear a song, I’ll get a CD.
11. Favorite Dave and Andy's ice cream flavor?
Who?
12. Favorite thing to eat at Eat N Park?
Chicken Parmesan in meat sauce with the soup and salad bar, even though the salad bar chili is shit.
13. Favorite movie theater?
Don’t go to the theater that often (as regular readers would know). If I do, my favorite is the Destinta that’s only 5 minutes from my house. Location, location, locations.
14. Which part of Pittsburgh do you currently live in?
I don’t. You think I’m stupid?
15. What's the worst area to be in late at night?
The areas where you only see eyes and teeth: Homewood, Wilkensburg, et al.
16. Favorite museum?
N*gga plz. OK, I’ll answer. Carnegie Museum of Natural History because they have dinosaurs.
18. Yinz or pop?
Pop.
19. Have you seen the view of the city from Mount Washington?
Yes.
20. Do you ever ride with Port Authority?
Ugh. Don’t remind me of my college days.
21. Have you ever eatin "O" fries?
Huh?
22. Do you like the Southside works complex or do you think it was waste of money?
With this being Shittsburgh, I’m sure they wasted a buttload of money. I don’t go there. I don’t care. I think that’s the place whose theater had a shooting during 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” movie release.
23. Should we have kept 3 Rivers Stadium or are you happy with Heinz field and PNC park?
I’ll never willingly go into either. I’ve talked about this subject before.
24. Do you ever wear black and gold?
I’m sure I have once or twice. I don’t the day before a Steeler game.
25. Have you ever stuck your feet in the Fountain at Point State Park?
Probably when I was a kid.
36. have you ever ridden the "T"?
See number …. How the hell did this go from “25” to “36”?
37. How do you pronounce a gyro?
”J-eye-row.”
38. Do you like Donny Iris?
When I don’t have to hear him (or is it her)?
39. Do you like The Clarks?
I don’t listen to them so I’m indifferent.
40. Do you like Michael Keaton?
After what he said about the Pirates last year, hell yeah.
41. Favorite River name?
Allegheny, I guess. Although I love the name of the HOT MEATAL BRIDGE.
42. What do you think of UPMC?
Mrs. kkk worked there for a spell. That paid the bills. Every medical organization is a clusterfuck. Good thing the Democrats will give us FREE government health care.
43. Terry Bradshaw or Ben Roethlisberger?
Big Ben. I never had a problem with Bradshaw until I heard him talking politics a few times on Fox. Katherine Harris was Florida’s Attorney General -- lol.
44. Do you think the Pens deserve a new arena?
I’ve talked about this before.
45. Despite all the polls/reports that Pittsburgh is the dirtiest city in America, do you agree?
I never heard of this before. How can it be dirty when everybody’s leaving?
46. How much do you love Pittsburgh?
Do I really need to comment?
47. Do you think they should allow casinos in Pittsburgh?
Already happened. I can’t wait until this isn’t the be-all solution region “leaders” are making this out to be. And that’s why I live in Westmoreland County.
48.Do you like PNH?
Who? What?
49.Have you ever attended a Pittsburgh Sports event(Steeler Game, etc.)?:
Yep.
50. Which do you like more--Panthers or Nittany Lions?
Neither, but if I have to answer it would be the Panthers. Then again, that’s like asking me who I like more: Hillary Clinton or nl-asshole.
51. If your parent worked for University of Pittsburgh and you could attend it for free would you go?
All academia institutions are the same. Go where you can get the best deal. I’d mooch.
52. Do you hate the Cleveland Browns?
No. But it’s sad when there’s a city out there that Pittsburghers can goof on. Other than Cleveland and Detroit, the pickings are slim.
8 p.m.
• I heard this trailer was out. Ugh.
