If you’re a fan of RIGHT-WING RADIO, then this is the place for you. If not, I'm sure there's an Air America station within 1,000 miles or so of your residence.
Talkers magazine recently released its list of top hosts for 2006. Now, from what I seem to remember, previous lists used to just have the top 100 hosts in a random order. Well now the list appears to have these people ranked in order of importance or some shit. Also, they increased the list to 250 and separated hosts by subject matter. Cool
Even though I have listened to RIGHT-WING RADIO since 1994, there’s no way I know every one of these people, but there are a number on this list that I have heard to over the years or feel like commenting on. Time to go down the list:
• Howard Stern is number one? Eh, I’ll accept it, even though I haven’t listened to him in years. I’ve talked about him recently, so I’ll refrain from repeating my opinion of him. I guess the whole move to satellite radio is one of the driving reasons for him to be at the top for this year.
• Rush, Hannity and Savage are 2-4, no surprises there.
• Dr. Laura is number 5? In every market I have had her in, she has either been cancelled or moved around to several different time slots. She’s not on in the Shittsburgh market (although she made a brief appearance back in the mid-90s). I liked her show, but it wasn’t because of her moral preaching. I always loved it when the idiot callers would ask for her opinion on their relationship problems. You could tell these callers had already made up their minds regarding what they wanted to do in their relationship, and it was always the opposite of what a rational person would do.
“Dr. Laura, my husband beats me, does drugs in front of my three kids from a previous boyfriend and stays out all night.”
“Why haven’t you had him arrested?”
“Because I love him.”
“You’re an idiot.”
It’s like the Maurey Povich Show for radio.
• Don Imus is number 6 – did I miss something here? I’ve listened to him a few times on MSNBC when I have stayed up all night and needed some sleep relief.
• For the love of God, Laura Inghram does not deserve to be number 7. My area carriers some of her show in the early morning, and the few times I listened to her show it was so unfunny, not to mention tedious.
• Mike Gallagher is number 8 – I guess he’s doing well. When I got to listen to him, he wasn’t one of my favorites. In fact, I’d put him on the bottom tier of my preferred RIGHT-WING RADIO hosts. However, I do like him for other reasons, which I will explain below. Back in the late 1990s I listened to him in the Sappy Valley market. At the time he had a chat room where fans could go to and gab while the show was on. The cool thing about this was if someone made a witty comment to a topic he was discussing he would say it on-air and name the person who said it. Well, obviously if I’m making real-time comments to a RIGHT-WING RADIO show, my remarks would undoubtedly make it on the air, which they did. However, he didn’t know what my user name “kkktookmybabyaway” meant; it was funny listening to him goof on the name to his nationwide audience. One time, however, after saying my name (and prefacing it with he had no idea why I called myself this) he got a caller that explained it’s meaning. As it turns out Gallagher was a Ramones fan but he never heard that song, which has me questioning whether or not he really was a fan to begin with.
Here’s another story about Mike. He was originally on the “main” Sappy Valley RIGHT-WING RADIO station in the area, and this station sucked. (I could spend a week bitching about this station, and at some point I probably will.) Not only would this station always lose its feeds, but also it would play shows from other networks, among other technical screw-ups. Well one time after Gallagher’s show ended, they stayed with his studio and spent about 20 minutes broadcasting him making “teasers” for his show that were sent to markets that had the show on tape delay. A few days later when he was chatting with us online after his show ended at noon, I told him about how his State College affiliate was screwing up his shows and played him reading “tape delay teasers.” A short while later his show moved to the other station in town.
• Neal Boortz cracked the Top 10. Awesome. This guy is based out of Atlanta and is by far my favorite host. I first got to listen to him on WPGB in the Shittsburgh area back in early 2004 when the station switched from urban music to a RIGHT-WING RADIO format. He was on tape delay from 1-3 p.m., and many times I would listen to his show over Rush’s. Unfortunately, when Rush’s show moved from KDKA to WPGB, Boortz got bumped. However, a smaller talk station in the area (WPTT) picked up his show, but only for a while. A short time later WPTT took him off the air because they were going with a more “independent” lineup. Some local harpy named Lynn Cullen who is just horrid took over his time slot, and I haven’t listened to that piece of shit station since. Sadly, since my work computer is a Mac, I can’t listen to Boortz’s show on-line (or at least I haven’t figured out how). If his show would ever move to satellite radio, I’d be a subscriber.
To be continued.
• Guys in long-term relationships will appreciate this one. So yesterday the better half and I were driving around to a few stores. We stopped in this place close to our house that recently opened up a Sam’s Club. The former highlight of this shopping plaza used to be a Wal-Mart, but it got moved down the road a bit and now a Sam’s Club was taking up the place. Don’t ask why they just didn’t build a Sam’s where the newer Wal-Mart was constructed; I’m not.
As we pulled in the plaza parking lot, I looked around to see if any new stores were being added to this place. One of them was a dollar store – I can’t remember its name. I mentioned this to Mrs. kkk, who then scolded me and said that store has always been there. I then pointed to the big banner on the building’s exterior that read, “Grand Opening” and was told “that didn’t matter because there has always been a dollar store there.” Yes dear.
Later on that day we went into Kohl’s because her one friend is about to pop out another kid. This of course means the better half is going to spend 30 minutes looking at every baby outfit in stock. I never understood getting new clothes for babies because they will be growing out of them soon enough, or they are going to throw up/crap/pee all over these over-priced outfits. As I stood there listening to some brat playing this “sing along” device, I knew it was time to head over to another part of the store. I said I was going over to the cooking section and high-tailed it out of there.
Although I bought some vacuum bags for food storage (25 percent off, baby) I was a bit disappointed that they were out of those space-saving storage containers. They’ve been pimped on TV as saving cabinet space and come in three different sizes. I bought some for the holiday season because they were on sale, and they were a pretty good buy. Before I had a plethora of food storage containers scattered throughout the place and I could never find the right lid or cover to fit the container I wanted to use. Fuck I’m getting old when I think this sort of thing is worthy of being typed up. Well, at least I’m not talking about my fiber intake and outtake … yet.
• I’m thinking of adding a new feature that will appear every now and then (re: when I get bored of writing my usual stupid shit). If you want my take on a topic/issue just shoot me off a PM. And, no, I don’t know if the doctor dropped me on my head when I was born, so that one is out of the way.
Blog Plugs
• When he’s not rewriting history, Bored gave his opinion on NCAAs conference tournaments: He doesn't like them. I don’t follow college sports, but I watch the NCAA March Madness tournament. If conferences want to have some hippie post-regular season tournament, then let them. If anything, these tournaments seem to be a nice tune-up for the big tournament, and plus if some bubble team underachieved a bit in the regular season, they have the opportunity to make up for it by winning their conference tournament. Regarding “home court” advantages some teams have, eh, I really don’t care. Rotate the settings, but let them play.
Oh, and I don’t care about this hippie World Baseball Tournament, so your lineup looks fine to me.
• Lovecraft321 may not agree with me on politics, but we can agree on making fun of college hippies. When I used to live at Sappy Valley, these types were always in the middle of any demonstration, from legalizing drugs to lifting the Cuba embargo, and often made for great entertainment. However, instead of calling them “hippies” I prefer the term “pseudo hippie.” Basically, a pseudo-hippie is someone who protests the policies of a certain country (think sweatshops in some third-world country) but then isn’t able to pick out that country on a map. Another sign of pseudo-hippiness is when one of these cretins drive their parent’s SUV to some “Save the Planet” concert, or, better yet, their denouncement of talk radio while encouraging others to listen to “Rage Against the Machine” for the latest insight on how we’re being screwed over by The Man. The next time you come across one of their stupid rallys/protests/etc., look for the “Free Mumia” group that always populates these endeavors; it’s like playing a real-life game of “Where’s Waldo?” My personal highlight of interacting with these people came when some ugly skank (Or was it a really thing, long-haired guy? Who knows.) handed me a flyer telling me why Mumia should be freed. I took it, shoved it down my pants, did a few wipes (my briefs served as an effective barrier between the paper and the nether regions) and gave it back to her/him/it.
And the reason there are only white hippies is because all the black ones got thrown in jail after getting busted for smoking a joint.
With all the shit that is going down in the world – Arabs at the ports, Cheney shooting friends, Bush showing he doesn’t care about black people by, well, doing anything – it’s nice to read a feel-good story of some commie high school teacher helping his students learn by comparing Bush to HITLER and getting recorded by a student. Having listened to a number of clips of this idiot on RIGHT-WING RADIO, it makes me regret not having any pinkos trying to indoctrinate me when I was a teen. Well, there might have been but I was too busy either trying to snooze or stare at the chick in front of me. (I always preferred to oogle a chick that was in front and to the left of me. That way not only could you look at her leg/thigh region, but also you would get a nice side view of the rack.)
I hope I don’t sound like a terrorist, but not all of this teacher’s ranting seemed unhinged. For example, there was something about terrorists seeing the World Trade Center as a military target. OK, I’ll go with this. After all, we’re talking about 40-virgin-afterlife-loving psychos; why not try to see things from their perspective? However, the problem with this nimrod in the classroom was that there was no self-counterbalance to his loony assertions. Oh, yeah. IT WAS ALSO A GEOGRAPHY CLASS. I at least hope he was pointing to the proper country when telling these kids why it would be OK for China to bomb us since we were shipping cigarettes to that country.
If this sort of thing goes on in this school’s geography class, I’d love to see the math curriculum. “OK class, if Bush kills 100,400 innocent Iraqis, and Halliburton’s stock rises 4 points because of it, how many civilians had to be murdered so the stock price could jump 2.5 points?”
I can’t wait to hear this guy’s defenders say that now there is a “chill wind in the air,” and educators are more fearful than ever about having the academic freedom to teach our youth. If it hasn’t happened already, I’m sure it will by early next week.
When I think back to my high school days, I’m pretty sure a number of my teachers were liberal. There was one in particular named Mrs. Dickensheets (yes, that was her real name) who I’m all but sure was a lefty. She told us how Oliver North’s false testimony at the Iran-Contra hearings was exposed because of basic math, or something like that. I don’t remember the specifics because I didn’t pay that much attention to this woman; not because I was a RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST, but rather because I was a teen-ager.
The highlight of my interaction with Mrs. Dickensheets was when I was a junior in high school. I had a math class with her, and one morning all 11th graders had to have an assembly to go over how to pay for our senior prom. It had always been the tradition of every senior class to pass on the debt to the class after them, but now the administration was getting tough with this, which meant our class needed to come up with a way of paying for our prom. Well, we were supposed to sell these retarded Pizza Hut coupon cards; it went something like if a person bought five pizzas and showed this card, then their next pizza was free. Also, whoever sold the most cards won some gay prize; I can’t remember what it was.
After the assembly ended I hung out with a few of my friends in the cafeteria and didn’t get back to class until about 20 minutes after every other junior in my math class returned. This of course gave Mrs. Dickensheets the perfect opportunity to harass me for my . She began asking me what the assembly was about, and said something about having to sell these stupid cards because we couldn’t freeload our prom costs onto the grade below us. She then said something that I didn’t take too kindly to and made a smart-ass remark – probably something like “I don’t care about this stupid contest.” When she asked why I didn’t want to be the person who sold the most cards and win the gay prize being offered, I responded, “Why bother when someone’s dad will force everyone in the building he works at to buy 20 cards each? Besides, I’m not even going to this stupid prom, so why should I give a crap about how it gets paid off.” After a rather extended pause from Mrs. Dickensheets, she went back to the blackboard and left me alone.
There were a few other liberal teachers, but I never got the “time to brainwash the students” vibe from them, although a few didn’t like me for other reasons, which I’m sure I’ll explain why in due time.
• Now there’s video showing that George W. Bush knew about Hurricane Katrina and the damage it could cause before it touched land. H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T. So I wasn’t the only one who woke up the day Katrina hit and went “What’s up with all these black people standing on roofs?”
• I’ve always said people with advanced degrees are some of the biggest dipshits out there. My theory is that the more “knowledge” you acquire, the less “common sense” you keep. Now my theory is proven, what with this U-C Irvine psychiatrist alleging to have lost $1.3 million in one of those hundreds of Internet scams where a person from some noble family from a third-world country has millions stashed away in some account they can’t access and need your $1,000 or so to have the necessary paperwork done in order to get a hold of that money (I may not be accurate in how this works, considering I only read the first several words to these messages).
• Well, we can at least take some solace in knowing that whenever Mexicans cross the boarder illegally, they will get fat, lazy and unhealthy like the rest of us.
• Anyone remember that shooting at a Shittsburgh movie theater during 50 Cent most recent movie? Well, the same theater is at it again. Last night, during a screening of the Steelers Super Bowl DVD, someone called the cinema and gave a bomb threat. Thank God I live outside the city limits.
• Am I the only one who doesn’t care about that Autistic kid who nailed a bunch of three-point shots in a basketball game? I mean, good for him and all, but from what I saw, it wasn’t like this kid had anyone playing tough “d” on him. Yes, I know I’m going to hell.
• Speaking of “special children,” it is stories like this that show why I don’t go to the movies anymore. I don’t blame the theater for doing what they did (although a refund should have been given, imo) because what are they supposed to do? If you want to bitch about something, bitch about the people who complained about the kid. If the theater management would have said to the people complaining, “What’s the big deal – it’s just a kid laughing,” these patrons would have probably then bitched to the theater’s upper management, and believe me, district managers of theaters (or any other business with a lot of low-paying, entry-level jobs) don’t want to hear from whiny customers, no matter how stupid their complaints might be. In just about every job I have worked where a district manager was involved in our store’s chain of command, never once did I hear these people defend us over a stupid customer. In fact, being an asshole is what gets these people their jobs. One of my favorite district manager stories involved my time at Burger King.
The name of our store’s District Manager was Barry, and he was an asshole. One night when we were busy, I was in charge of the “specialty station.” This means I was in charge of fries, onion rings, chicken and fish; the shittiest station to work if you are employed by the King. Anyway, I had just put down a basket of onion rings, and they went on top of TWO onion rings that had been laying there for about two minutes (It takes 80 seconds to fry the onion rings, and I had been steadily dropping baskets of these things). Anyway, Barry then looks at me and says, “Rotate your onion rings.” I told him to fuck off. Thankfully, three baskets of fries had just been ready for consumption and their ringers went off, meaning I got away with one.
However, I didn’t get away with this. I worked with a midget who was a worthless piece of shit. Whenever there was work to be done, she would scamper off and hide, which wasn’t hard for her to do considering we always had a lot of empty boxes in the back room. Well, whenever she pissed me off, which was often, I would retaliate by putting the sandwiches I made near the top of the “burger chute,” where she couldn’t reach them. Have I said already that I’m going to hell? Well, for one supply order we were given these hippie burger wrappers that had zero traction, meaning they wouldn’t slide down the burger chute. One night when I was the only person making food this midget screamed at me and started to cry because I wasn’t sliding the food down all the way. Bitch, I COULDN’T. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Go around the counter and personally hand everybody their sandwich? Well a day or so later asshole Barry came up to me and barked, “kkk, I hear you’ve been picking on Lisa.” Not knowing what he was talking about, I replied, “Huh?” Wanting to get both sides of the story, this dickhead then said, “You know what I’m talking about. Don’t do it again or else.” After asking my one manager what just happened, and then being told of the great burger chute controversy from the previous night, I realized that asshole district manager was half the man I was.
And the midget was one-third the worker I was, literally and figuratively.
• Uh oh. Bush’s RIGHT-WING Supreme Court is making their voice heard on abortion rights. Now it’ll be easier than ever for abortion protestors to intimidate Planned Parenthood workers and knocked-up women wanting to get rid of some excess baggage. Oh, wait. The decision was 8-0? Never mind.
• If only our legal system worked as hard on other matters like eminent domain as they do trying to find ways for convicted murderers to get out of paying their debts to society our world would be a better place.
• I have to do a mea culpa of sorts. One anonymous reader responded to my suggestion a few days ago of white-collar workers documenting what they do throughout the day by saying, “Most of what these people do online all day is shop, watch porn and gamble.” I stand corrected.
• Normally I am a pretty laid-back driver, but over the last few months I have been suffering from road rage. I can’t help it. It’s not the fact some asshole cuts me off almost plows into my car. What pisses me off is their blatant disregard for almost damaging the vehicle I’m in. One thing that really pisses me off is when you’re in front of a large vehicle going up a hill. The truck has its blinkers on and is in the right-hand lane going 20 mph. That’s fine and dandy; I have no problem with this. However, when I put on my turn signal to change lanes, I almost always wait an extra second because I know that the asshole behind me is going to try and zoom around me instant I start to merge in another lane. I can’t begin to count the number of times people would have slammed into my car’s bumper had I not been the cautious one.
Oh I fucking hate those people. If I’m driving the better half’s car, a 2004 cavalier, I practice my “careful pause” before switching lanes because this vehicle is our household’s primary mode of transportation. But if I’m driving my ’88 Corsica that already has one wheel in the junkyard, I say “fuck you’ and go into the other lane regardless, making the dickhead behind me have to slam on their brakes or swerve back into the right-hand lane. Fuck you bitch. If you would have put on your goddamn turn signal when this all began, I’d have no problem; I’d even let you pass me even though I put my turn signal on first. Some people need to be taken out to a nearby field and shot.
As much as this sort of thing happens to me, I’m glad to know I’m not alone. One place I hate driving in is the grocery store parking lot. Christ, that place is a land mine with cars pulling out every which way. This is why I always park near the back of the local grocery store’s parking lot, even when it’s only half-full. And I was reminded today why I do this.
I was walking to this store and I went in front of this old guy with a huge Buick backing out. The reason I chose to walk in front of his car was because I know better than to be behind a senior citizen when they’re in reverse. Unfortunately, this yuppie mini-van didn’t know this rule, and the old guy almost plowed into this poor lady driving the vehicle. What made me laugh about the whole thing is that there was no way that mini-van was in any blind spot; she was directly behind the Buick. I guess when you reach a certain age you just don’t care about accumulating points on your driver’s license.
• Cool. Jim Cramer’s radio show is going to make it’s debut on the Shittsburgh air waves in early March. Now I’ll have an alternative to the days I don’t feel like listening to Rush or Rome from 1-2 p.m. When I lived in Ohio, Cramer had his show broadcast from 6-7 p.m., and whenever I was driving home late from work I always had it on. I watch his CNBC show every now and then, and it’s entertaining, although every time I tune in there seems to be a new special sound effect or three.
• This headline says it all: “Carefully drawn political maps help incumbents.” Get the hell out of here. Next thing you know you’ll tell me that the political party in charge draws up districts that favor their re-election efforts.
• There’s some hippie poll about the weirdest street names; my pick came in at number five: The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston. And just to appeal my hippie friends reading this, the intersection of Bush and WMD in Dallas would have made the list, but nobody could find it on the map.
• I don’t get the whole Anna Nicole Smith trial regarding her former grandpa, err, husband’s estate. I’m hoping the Supreme Court takes up this case so I can stop hearing about it. Anna, you married an old guy for his money. The old guy died and didn’t leave you his estate. Get over it. Next time, marry a younger billionaire – maybe someone in his 60s – so you can live in luxury for a few years more.
• So Ken Lay is going broke. That’s a shame. I’d be interested to see what his resume looks like for when he goes job hunting in 50 or so years from now after he gets out of jail.
• I guess now the next thing to ask Jeeves is what he’s going to do for money now that he’s been dropped from a search engine I didn’t know was still in existence. I used Ask.com years ago before realizing it wasn’t necessary to type in an entire question to find something on-line. During the early ‘00s, I remember reading about this other little search engine that was supposedly the “best-kept secret on the Internet.” It was called Gaggle, or Oogle, or something. I wonder what ever happened to it?
• Relief funds for Hurricane Katrina victims are now “dwindling.” I wonder why. Could it be because people don’t want to donate their money to recipients who’ll spend the aid on porno and diamond rings? Nah.
I don’t consider myself an expert on the punk-rock scene, although I do like listening to some music in this genre from time to time, (especially a certain song from the Ramones). One album I like listening to is “Never Mind the Bollocks Here’s the Sex Pistols.” While I do know some news and notes about the Ramones, which I’ll talk about later, I don’t know much about the Sex Pistols other than they lasted for one album and their one member Sid Vicious died from a drug overdose. However, I have to say that whenever I see Johnny Rotten on television, I usually put down the remote and see what kind of trouble he’s getting himself into, whether he’s on the now-cancelled “Politically Incorrect” or “Judge Judy.”
One memory that sticks out involving Rotten was when he did this show on Vh1 back in 2000. In it he covered the 2000 election season, and to my surprise it was splendidly done. In fact, it was my favorite analysis program covering the '00 election (not to mention it's one of the few that I still remember). In the span of 30 minutes he had an intelligent conversation with Newt Gingrich (?!), made fun of some pseudo-hippies protesting outside a Convention site and took the high ground when questioning some pro-life demonstrators. It wasn’t at all what I expected this episode to be like, especially the segment involving the abortion protestors.
Anyway, the reason for my Sex Pistols nostalgia is because they recently told the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to take their induction and shove it. Of course this begs the question as to what the R&R HOF would expect one of the renowned punk bands of all time to do when told of their inclusion into this institution. I don’t get this hippie enshrinement to the music industry, and I couldn’t name one person who has been inducted into this Hall of Fame. However, if people travel to visit this place, and the proceeds put a few extra tourism dollars in Cleveland’s coffers, then who am I to denounce it?
I mentioned the Ramones earlier, and for those that don’t know by now, my TSM handle of “kkktookmybabyaway” is a title off one of their songs. The first time I heard this song was during some hippie MTV special on RACISM back in the day. In this “special report” they followed the antics of some idiot teen skinhead that was planning some retarded rally at a local mall or something. At the end of the show, they played “The KKK Took My Baby Away” while giving us an update on how his rally fared. I can’t remember the exact details, but I think only two or three people showed up alongside him, and they ended up getting arrested or beaten up (or both).
One thing I didn’t realize about the Ramones until a few years ago was Johnny Ramone’s conservatism, which is astounding considering back the 1980’s Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher were considered Mr. and Mrs. Anti-Christ to many people who the Ramones played music with and in front of. Then again, punk always seemed to be an alternative to mainstream culture, so in a way it would makes sense to have one of its forefathers be an unapologetic Republican. One of my favorite quotes from Johnny before he passed away a few years ago came from this article:
I love bosses. Especially the ones that don’t know what the fuck they are doing.
I have been at my current place of employment for more than two years. When I first started working, I was told that I had pretty much a flex schedule, meaning that as long as I put in 40 hours a week, eight hours a day, I was in the clear. Fair enough. Now this job is about 25-30 miles from my house, and I have to brave two Interstates in order to travel to and from my job. I soon found out that an 8:30 a.m.-5 p.m. shift was going to involve a shitload of traffic. I then asked if it would be OK if I came in earlier. I was told that would be fine. After testing out what traffic is like early in the morning, I settled on working a 6:30 a.m.–3 p.m.
Working this schedule is good because not only do I avoid the early morning jams, but also coming home isn’t nearly as bad as it would be if I was out on the road at 4:30 p.m. Well, even though I got my work shift OK’d by people much more powerful than me, and even though there are two other co-workers who work the same hours I do, and have had their schedule for years, everybody is shocked when they call my office at 3:05 p.m. and I don’t answer because I’m in the car heading home.
I have worked this shift for two years now. There is no surprise to when I come in and when I leave. Now it’s bad enough when my one idiot boss decides to give me assignments to do at 2:50 p.m., but every couple of months we have a bunch of meetings that are scheduled for out-of-town representatives. Every three months a bunch of people come in from out of state and spend the day in meetings with us. There’s one meeting that I have to attend, and it’s funny because for the first year I worked here I didn’t come to these meetings. The reason? Nobody told me I was part of the meeting. However, what’s funnier is that this one meeting that I have to attend is ALWAYS schedules for 2-3 p.m., and it is always at least an hour long. I’m also never told ahead of time when these meeting are scheduled. Normally I really wouldn’t care about being out of the loop, but the problem is that I carpool with the better half, so whenever these meetings come around she has to find another way to get home.
Well today was a fun day. When I found out this morning that my meeting was at 2:30 p.m. I called the better half and she made other arrangements to get home. I then sat at this 90-minute meeting and afterward did some work that was asked of me by some out-of-town reps. A workday that normally ends at 3 p.m. was extended three hours, which is fine for me because that means three hours of comp time.
This is why I like working for an hourly rate. Sure getting a salary may seem more ‘professional” but if you get paid by the hour, you have a much better opportunity to resist getting buttfucked by your employers on time worked. I strongly recommend to anyone employed in the white-collar world to not only keep a log of when you arrive and leave your job, but to also keep a journal of what you do while on the clock. I know already that when I submit my timecard on Monday I’m going to be questioned about the extra hours I’ll have written down. Hey dipshit, I leave at 3 p.m. The meeting ended at 4 p.m. and then I was asked to burn several CD-ROMS, make 400 copies of a double-sided brochure, send off several e-mails containing attachments, make a few phone calls and update several web pages. You think I did all that shit for free just because I normally go home at 3 p.m.? Kiss my ass. I learned my lesson six months into this job when I spent about a week out of state on work-related matters. I busted my ass for 16 hours a day, waking up at 6 a.m. each morning and working into to middle of the night. When I got back, I requested to use some of the time I “banked” to move into the house that was recently purchased by the better half and me. You would have thought I said I wanted to fuck my boss’s wife with the reactions I got.
“Oh, really. Now what makes you think you deserve those three days off?”
“Because I worked 14-16 hours/day for four days, and you said I could bank these hours.”
“Oh really now?”
You fucking asshole.
Ever since then, I’ve kept a journal of what I do and when I arrive and leave work. It’s funny now when they ask me about what they think is a discrepancy on my timecard and then I whip out several sheets of documented sheets explaining what I did during my time for that day. After a few incidents, they have pretty much left me alone, but even when you think you are in the clear, it’s still wise to keep your journal because you never know when they’re going to try and Jew you out of some work time.
I should have learned my lesson when I was a high school puke working at Burger King and got screwed at that place, but that’s another story for another time.
Believe it or not, I try to be an understanding person. However, even I have my limits.
At my workplace, I am our organization’s web master, which is a scary thought considering I don’t know what the hell I’m doing half the time. Actually, it’s not that bad, but I am by no means an expert on this Internet thing. I can build a Web site in Dreamweaver, but don’t tell me I need to write HTML code or else I’ll sit in the corner and suck on my thumb while holding my security blanket with the other hand.
About a month ago I got a letter from Verizon DSL saying that they were, “Migrating your web site to an improved hosting platform provided by Verizon SUPERPAGES.com,” beginning February 17. Your means of accessing your web site and email account will change.” Later on in the letter, they said, “You will receive two e-mails immediately after the migration.”
Well, I have been keeping an eye out for any Verizon e-mail notices up until February 17, not wanting to miss out on any important updates. So far nothing. On February 17 I was checking my inbox and junk mail folder thinking maybe a Verizon e-mail ended up there by mistake. Still nothing. (Although e-mails about enlarging my penis constantly get through to my inbox, I’ve noticed that other messages that have actual relevance in my life don’t make the cut. Then again, adding a few inches onto little kkk can’t hurt.)
I had to leave at 2:30 p.m. Friday, February 17 for an appointment. (My work schedule is 6:30 a.m.-3 p.m.) When I came back Tuesday (I had Presidents Day off), I found that I couldn’t access my e-mail, and neither could any of my co-workers. I called Verizon, and they said they don’t deal with e-mail/Internet matters anymore, that I would have to call the SUPERPAGES department. I called the SUPERPAGES people up and they said that they migrated all of our e-mail/Web site stuff, and that they sent an e-mail letting me know of the new password I was supposed to use to get into my e-mail account. The problem though was that this e-mail message letting me know of my password was in my e-mail bin that I couldn’t get into because I NEEDED TO KNOW THE NEW PASSWORD. After telling the tech guy this, he gave me the password and I got into my new and improved SUPERPAGES account. I noticed that they sent this goddamn message at 2:50 p.m. on a Friday afternoon right before what was to be a three-day weekend for many employees. You’re supposed to fire people at the end of a workweek, not give them technical information that won’t be accessible in another day or two.
So after spending the early part of the week getting everybody’s e-mail accounts up and running again (as well as putting together the final touches of the monthly publication I mail out at about this time every month), I then went to the Web site and discovered everything that was password-protected is now free as a bird. Yippie. I then realized that I had to re-register the 200+ names that were granted access to various sections of the site. Now, for the trifecta, I discovered that the cgi bins needed re-done I know some of you reading this are computer geeks and took cgi bin/form creating as a remedial elective in school, but you’ll have better luck teaching a retard to swim by throwing him in the deep end of a pool than telling me over the phone that certain codes need changed from original IP addresses to new IP addresses, among other things.
I’m not going to rag on the customer support people because they’ve been great, especially this one chick I’m talking to now who has had to put me on hold several times already because I don’t think she knows what she’s doing (which makes two of us for that matter). I’d rather interact with someone like this than some techie asshole that can’t believe I don’t know HTML as a second language. Besides, this is giving me ample time to talk to all you hippies instead of getting any real work done at my job.
I also don't want to rag on this new SUPERPAGES thing, because from what I have checked out, there seems to be some neat stuff I can perform that I couldn't with the previous Verizon Web account. It's just that couldn't these people have notified me of these changes when I wasn't home for the weekend?
It’s funny. For as much bitching as I do with Shittsburgh and the state of Pennsylvania in general, I’m for the most part content with my state legislators.
My Rep is one of two Democrats I voted for in the ’04 election. James Casorio may be a Democrat, but he’s OK. Besides, he’s extremely popular in the area so it’s not like I have much of a choice in this matter. Generally, he’s not that bad, although he pissed me off a bit by supporting some hippie spending plan for the state’s environment that is nothing more than a waste of money.
My State Senator is another matter, and I’m glad to be one of the evil Neo-Cons or whatever we were called who booted out the former State Senator of this area last election. Bob Regola, who from what I read was a fairly conservative Democrat that turned Republican to have a run at my district’s former incumbent, some liberal weenie named Alan Kukovich who was a bum-chum of Governor Ed Rendell. You want to raise taxes? Fine. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, which is what it did.
Actually, there’s a funny story to my voting experience in ’04 regarding Regola/Kukovich. When the better half and I pulled up to the voting precinct, which was some local VFW, some pro-union clown standing by a pickup truck with a John Kerry bumper sticker on it got in our way. As we were heading into the voting room he tried to give Mrs. kkk and me some literature on Kukovich, which I outright refused and said to him that we were voting Regola. Fuck that shit. I’m not going to be intimidated by some schmoe letting us know who he wants us to vote for. He replied with some grumbling and started bitching about how Regola was the worst thing since the Anti-Christ (or George W. Bush). I then said, in a raised voice just a notch or two below a full-blown shout, “Kukovich can lick my nuts.”
I made this statement right when the better half opened the VFW’s front door, and when I turned around I saw the little old ladies manning the polls with a look of fright/disgust on their faces. Oh well. Politics is an ugly game.
Anyway, yesterday Regola sent me some questionnaire about my feelings on a number of issues. Now some of these letters are just fundraising tools, but this one was legit, especially since there is no card asking me how much I would like to give to the GOP. I thought I’d share the questions with you and my responses just to show how RIGHT-WING I really am. I just gave my response below; even if you graduated from a government school you should be able to figure out most, if not all, of the issues I was asked.
1) Keep the minimum wage at the federal rate. (Get another job if you don’t make enough money)
2) I don’t care if PA allows hunting on Sundays.
3) Spending caps are important to make sure that government lives within its means. This one was a bit tricky for me because I can understand having to borrow (look at our president -- ugh) but the other answer I couldn’t in good conscience approve because “Rely on the Governor and Legislature to establish budgets that meet the needs of the Commonwealth” was just too much, even for me.
4) I support photo ID requirements to vote, although really any form of ID would be fine by me. Of course, this is considered RACIST.
5) I have no opinion on casino gambling. (Building casinos won’t really help the region, and it will probably hurt it, but if idiots want to throw their money away, that’s up to them.)
6) Smoking bans are already too stringent.
7) Residents who order out-of-state wine shouldn’t have to deal with the PA Liquor Control Board. Basically, the only booze you can get in PA is through these state-run stores, and they’re a freaking joke to begin with.
8) I have no opinion on how PA is coping with terrorism. If they want to blow up Shittsburgh, let them.
9) Maintain existing growth and develop laws when it comes to open space preservation programs. (There was no entry for “cut funding” so I had to go with the status quo.)
10) Building a high-speed rail connection is a nice idea, but it will take about 100 years to create and make Boston’s “Big Dig” look like an impulse buy on a pack of gum while waiting in line at the grocery store.
So there you have it. Now if you will excuse me, I have some abortion clinics to bomb.
What is wrong with some people?
Yesterday afternoon I headed over to Kmart to pick up an early edition of a Sunday newspaper; I felt like browsing through the weekly circulars and coupons early. When I arrived, I took one newspaper and then scoped out which aisle would be the shortest wait. Even though this store had more than a dozen checkout lines, only three were in service. The first aisle had a line three deep, and the old lady with a number of clothing and cleaning items was in the midst of writing a check. The next open aisle wasn’t much better, but the third one looked to have the most promise. Even though there were about a half-dozen people occupying this aisle, they were one white-trash family, and their purchase didn’t look to be that big. Then of course the other three heathens from this clan brought their items up to the register. No problem, though. I scanned the magazine/booklet selection and started reading a “Cats for Dummies” booklet.
Whenever you have the opportunity, I recommend you start reading materials off the shelf while waiting in a long checkout line. Not only does it pass the time away, but if you’re lucky enough you can browse through the latest edition of the Weekly World News. Of course this line took much longer than I had expected, but it wasn’t a terrible wait. However, if I ever planned on making a quick purchase, I surely didn’t want to spend an inordinate amount of time waiting in line to make a simple transaction. I think that’s what pisses me off about waiting in lines sometimes. You stand there for what seems like an eternity while some old had tells the cashier she has “exact change” but then spends 20 minutes going through her purse to find it. Or, like in this situation, you’re stuck behind some redneck or ghetto family that has zero organization when it comes to paying for a bill that involved several children piling up anything they thought they could get away with on the conveyor belt. But I digress.
So of course my transaction took about 10 seconds to complete, and then I noticed this store had a special lottery/cigarette section where some lady was selling Instant Win lottery games to a customer. This intrigued me because this section’s service light wasn’t turned on. After this customer was taken care of, I approached the cashier and asked if I was to make a small purchase such as a newspaper if this lottery station would be able to make the transaction, so I wouldn’t have to wait in a long line. The reason I asked this is because I remember what it was like for stupid customer to just go up to an empty checkout line and expect someone to wait on them there. Well after I made this inquiry, the following conversation transpired.
“Yes, if you have a small purchase you can take it here or at the customer service desk if they’re not busy.”
“OK. Thanks. The reason I asked was because your register’s light wasn’t on, and I didn’t know if this was a full-time register or not. I don’t come in here that often and didn’t know Kmart’s policy on this sort of thing.”
“That’s not a nice thing to say!”
“What are you talking about?”
“You saying you don’t come in here often.”
”Well I don’t. Maybe if you guys had the lowest prices on your merchandise I’d come in more.”
“Just leave.”
“Fine. And you can kiss my ass on my way out.”
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with some people? I said I don’t come into Kmart all that often and you throw a shitfit? (And no, she wasn’t kidding when she said, “That’s not a nice thing to say!”) I have nothing against Kmart, but I wouldn’t buy my clothes there, and many times the products they offer are not the lowest price in the area. When I worked retail jobs and someone would make a smart-ass remark I’d just stand there straight-faced and say, “OK. Bye.” I don’t know if a customer is trying to be witty or serious when they tell a McDonald’s employee that “they sure could go for a Whopper,” (which happened to me a few times when I worked at the Golden Arches), but either way I just stand there and refused to play along. God I hate customers.
And Customer Service Workers aren’t much better.
Blog Plugs
• Bored decided to give the 1987 NL MVP award to Tim Raines. Who am I to stop him? I’m not that much into baseball to remember what happened 19 years ago, but I do agree that Tim Raines was an extremely under-appreciated player. I remember as a kid going through my baseball card collection, looking at Raines’ stats and wondering why his card wasn’t worth more money, according to that Beckett pricing guide. Oh, another guy who seemed to be a good player that didn’t seem to get enough props was Harold Baines – am I nuts or do I have a point with this one?
• I don’t follow pro wrestling anymore, but I do remember when Lance Storm made a comment on his Web site about the Death Valley Driver board. Thanks to Sensei John Kreese for bringing back this memory. I also agree that the Undertaker losing at his last Wrestlemania would give a tremendous rub to the person who scores the pinfall. The question is when exactly does a pro wrestler actually retire?
• You know what's funny about reporters? For as much as they put others in the spotlight, they are pretty shitty in it as well. For example, last night I was watching some channel that is run by the state of Pennsylvania, and on it they had this interview with several reporters from the Shittsburgh Tribune-Review. Christ almighty, none of them could put together a decent thought without saying "um," "uh" or "hmmm" more times than a professional athlete being interviewed in the locker room.
• As I said yesterday, I don't care much for the Olympics. However, something I hate more than the Winter Games is Bryant Gumbel. Throughout the years, he has constantly said his share of stupid things, and a recent clip on HBO's "Real Sports" only adds to his impressive resume. His latest effort?
Golly gee, why don't you think there are a lot of blacks at the Winter Olympics? Could it be that it's hard to form a bobsled track in the Sahara? I'm sure trying to play a game of ice hockey would be a bitch when the water in the lake you're waiting to freeze over is free-flowing and filled with hungry crocodiles. I don't know if he was trying to be funny or controversial or what, but he showed to us what he does best: be an idiotic asshole. Do I expect anything to happen to him other than a few RIGHT-WING RADIO hosts and Web sites go apeshit? Of course not. I will just use a line from writer Julianne Malveaux and her opinion about Clarence Thomas to voice my opinion toward Gumbel.
Because Malveaux is a black liberal, this is a good line to use when you don't want to be accused of being a RACIST.
Oh, and you want black people at the Winter Games? You got them. Or at least him.
• The Detroit Pistons finally called it quits and traded their first-round bust Darko Milicic to Orlando for some guy who they won't re-sign next year. This trade was made to free up salary cap room in order to sign some of their vets who will become free agents in the near future. On any other team, the general manager who picked Darko over Carmello Anthony or Dewayne Wade would get run out of town (media reports also lump in Chris Bosh in with this group, but I don't know much about him so I won't comment). However, I think Joe Dumars has earned a few "Get Out Of Bad Decisions Free" card, what with his teams reaching the NBA finals for the last two years. Instead of asking what the Pistons would be like with Anthony or Wade, the question ought to be would Detroit have won a championship and being one game away from winning a second title without the starting five Dumars assembled?
• George Clooney’s costume from that "Batman and Robin" movie is going to be auctioned. Some people think the suit could go for $100,000; any proceeds should go to people that bought a ticket to see that piece-of-shit film. When I saw it in the theater, I was with my one friend and we had this little brat sitting behind us. This heathen was so freaking annoying, and the kid’s parents weren’t much better. However, this kid’s redemption came late in the movie when there were some multi-angled shots of Alicia Silverstone putting on her skin-tight Batgirl outfit. After seeing various shots of her tits, ass and everything in-between, the kid behind us asked his parents, “Is that Robin?" That was worth the price of admission alone. Then again I worked at a theater during this time, which meant I saw this movie for free. I won't ask for a refund, but you better not after reading this crap I post.
• This was odd. I watched ESPN’s “Around the Horn” today and Jay Mariotti, Woody Paige or Bill Plaschke were on the program. The lineup featured Michael Smith, Jim Armstrong, Jackie MacMullan and Gene Wojciechowski. Wasn’t a bad show. I’ll say this about Gene Woj-something-or-other, he’s not on the show much, but he’s pretty good. I remember the last time Jay was away for a while and Gene stepped in; he won a few Showdowns but could never fill out his face-time and with five seconds life he’d just go “That’s it. I’m done.”
• So the Olympics are getting trounced in the ratings to Fox’s American Idol. Good. I don’t care about the Olympics, no matter what season it is. If other countries give a shit about their athletes winning in curling or some skiing competition, more power to them. For me, I don’t care if Bodie what’s-his-name finishes first or tenth in a race, nor do I care if Michelle Kwan dresses up and does a triple axle. It’s not like I’m a fan of American Idol either, although I might watch bits of the first few episodes of a new season if only to watch the freaks that think they can sing. However, in this case, I’m glad Simon Cowell is trouncing this year’s Winter Games.
Hey Olympic honchos, don’t feel like you’re getting whipped in the ratings. Think of it as taking the Silver.
• This incident reminded me of a funny story that took place when I lived in Ohio. The better half was applying to a few dozen schools for Ph.D. studies and of course she got rejected by all of them. One of them was the University of Miami of Ohio. Now these people had been assholes to Mrs. kkk because she actually had the nerve to follow up with a phone call confirming her materials were successfully received. Well, when she got the customary “You are impressive but you suck” rejection letter, there was something odd about it.
It was addressed to some chick in Toledo.
Not wanting to pass up a good chance to zing some faceless bureaucrat at an academic institution, I called the contact number that was on the letter and said “Hi, my name is Frank Winters, and I’m calling because there’s something that’s disturbing me. You see, my fiancée *Mrs. kkk* applied to your Ph.D. program, and I received a rejection letter for *I forget the name* from Toledo, Ohio. I’m worried because now I’m wondering if the woman I go to bed with every night is some sort of secret agent who goes by a variety of aliases. Either that or you people are so goddamn stupid that you can’t even stuff an envelope correctly. She paid *I forget the amount of money* to apply to your piece-of-shit school and you can’t even give her a proper rejection letter. How the fuck do you people keep your jobs? Call me at *home number* when you are able to figure this out, you incompetent pieces of shit.”
This is great stress-relief technique, by the way. And I sent the rejection letter to the Toledo chick. Never heard back from her.
• However, for as much as I loathe the university system, I have to give some basketball fans at Gonzaga props for doing a “Brokeback Mountain” chant during some recent basketball games. Naturally, this will qualify as “hate speech” or violate some hippie speech code. It’ll only be a matter of time before the free-speech Nazis ship these hoodlums off to the Concentration Camp of Tolerance for their misdeeds. From the article: “President Robert Spitzer has asked for a task force to investigate the campus climate.” Bah. Keep up the good work, I say. That’s definitely more creative than those stupid, “ooooooooooo” chants I hear more and more crowds performing nowadays.
Well V-Day came and went, and I was rather impressed. Did the better half and I go out for a romantic dinner and a carriage ride? No. Did we go to where we got married and think back to that glorious day where we no longer lived in sin? Nope. Did we frolic in some hippie meadow barefoot? Not even close.
We didn’t do a goddamn thing. And I loved it.
About a week ago, Mrs. kkk told me she didn’t want to do anything for Valentine’s Day, and I reluctantly agreed. I was skeptical at first of her request; not because I’m a hopeless romantic, but rather because I got burned one time before on the “let’s not get each other anything for *insert holiday/birthday date here*.” A few years ago when we lived in Ohio and didn’t have any money for Christmas presents, she suggested that we not get each other anything. I agreed. Then, on the night before she was to drive out-of-state to her parents’ house, she gives me three gift-wrapped boxes and asked where hers were.
It’s funny. Back when I was a teen-ager and couldn’t get a date to save my life, I hated the whole Valentine’s Day concept. Look at all these happy couples enjoying each other’s company; fuck them. And this was in the days before Internet porn, so you can imagine how lonely those evenings alone would be. Now I can’t stand February 14 because the greeting card companies and other “date-related” industries want to make you feel like a shithead if you don’t buy your sweetheart flowers, candy, a ring, expensive panties, and about a dozen other things, all at retail price. Fuck that. True love isn’t two twenty-somethings gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes and holding hands. True love is being with the same person for years and putting up with all the bullshit they present you with. Not cheating on them or putting a slug in their head are also necessary requirements for this “true love” definition, although you can still think about pulling an O.J. across your better half's throat when you know she’s pissed and ask her “what’s wrong” and she replies “nothing” for the 100th fucking time.
Let’s see that on a Hallmark Card.
On another related subject, the better half has a few close friends, and it’s funny to hear them try to give her advice on our relationship. They don’t do it much anymore, considering we got MARRIED (and she’s the only one out of her gang to have the ring on her finger), but back in the day when we still lived in sin Mrs. kkk was constantly told that if I didn’t propose to her by a certain time she should leave me. Now why would anyone want to do a thing like that? I’m so dang adorable, especially when I’m standing next to her in a fast-food waiting line making fun of the idiot customer who’s complaining about his food being late. Well let’s see you old bastard, the store is offering a $1 Big Mac special, you think you’re the only one who ordered that deal? There’s this thing called a DRIVE-THRU you stupid shit, and considering the Big Mac requires two patties, you can only make half the amount of this sandwich than you can a regular hamburger. So shut the fuck up and wait that extra two minutes for your discounted burger, you old bastard.
Well that was off subject. Fuck it, I’m not editing that – I put too much effort into that last paragraph to just abort it.
Anyway, it was funny listening to the better half’s friends tell her how to run her life when these people can’t even run theirs. One has been engaged three times and is currently seeing this one guy with webbed feet who I hope knocks her up because he’s a real winner (one of the better stories about him is that he banged this chick’s cousin on her uncle’s office desk). There’s another friend who is having her second out-of-wedlock child with her second baby’s daddy. The first baby’s daddy is currently in jail for sticking up a bank. True story. This guy was the manager of a fast-food place (not the one I was at in the earlier paragraph) and went out on his morning break and held up a bank right at the time they were opening, which of course means there wasn’t much MONEY in the place. Well, after collecting whatever meager bounty he could, he DROVE BACK TO HIS JOB WITH THE GUN, MASK AND MONEY IN HIS TRUNK. When the cops came by a while later to have a look inside his car, he refused. The cops then got a warrant and searched it. Now this guy is about 2-3 years into serving a 10-year sentence. Sad thing is he only got 1-2 years for the actual robbery. Most of time was because he pointed a gun at someone. I guess the lesson here is when you rob a bank/store is to point the gun at the ceiling or floor.
And despite these people giving the better half advice on what to do with our 8+ year relationship, we have managed to stay together. Now that’s true love. And I still don’t need to buy some hippie card once a year on a made-up holiday.
• Well, I didn't win the Powerball jackpot, but I did learn something today. This one psycho bitch I work with is playing the lottery, but she is doing it herself and not taking part in the office pool. Now I want to win this thing more than ever.
• Say, did you all know that not only has Dick Cheney worked at Halliburton but also he shot some guy while hunting quail? Gee, I knew Dan wasn’t one of the best vice presidents out there, but did he really deserve to get shot for misspelling potato? Lolz. I guess the place where Cheney was hunting at ran out of young black males or something. Lolz2. I guess now he finally knows what it’s like to shoot another person, seeing how he skipped out on doing it in Vietnam. Lolz3. Quail? They should have been hunting "duck." Lolz4. The guy he shot was a lawyer, so it's not all that bad. Lolz5 Well, that covers what the late-night talk shows are going to talk about tonight. You heard ‘em here first, folks.
Maybe Hitlery will go with Cheney on his next hunting trip. No, that wasn't a joke. I really hope she does accompany him.
Anyway, I was listening to Hannity’s show on the way home, and for the first time in a while it was actually somewhat interesting. Well, at least the part where he played the audio of what reporters were asking the White House press guy. While there were some funny ones like “Will he resign over this?” and one reporter comparing the delayed announcement to the Katrina relief efforts, my personal favorite was “Would it have been more serious if the person he shot died?”
• Oh, and it appears that vice presidents aren’t the only ones who have hunting accidents.
• Well we now know the terrorists are Republican. Maybe their next stop will be ACLU headquarters.
• I finally got around to watching the “Wedding Crashers” yesterday. Eh. Comedies are tough for me to judge because I consider many of them to be unfunny. Comedy is a hard art to master, and it is so subjective. There were a few moments that got a chuckle out of me (Vince Vaughn's "quail hunting" bit now seems a little erie, given what just happened to Cheney), but did it have to be more than TWO HOURS long? Christ almighty, couldn’t they have wrapped up the story while at that post-wedding weekend retreat? I’m almost afraid to see the “UNCORKED” version, which will be painfully longer. I was also kind of disappointed the theatrical version didn’t include some “wedding crashers” at the end wedding.
• So Bonnie Bernstein has left the CBS’ NFL coverage because she has hit the glass ceiling in regards to her football reporting/announcing career. Good. I despise female sideline reporters, and Bonnie was no exception. Now give the job to some ex-player who can’t properly pronounce half the words he’s saying. Oh, and if there are any ideas to have Terry Bradshaw host Fox's NFL Pre-Game show in place of the departing James Brown, please scrap them now for the love of God.
• You know, I think I might like ESPN's Monday Night Football crew, what with Tirico being a perv and Kornheiser not being a total yes-man. All we need now is Joe Namath to replace Joe Theismann and bring Suzy Kolber up to the booth, and I'd watch this foursome even if the game they're announcing is the Cardinals at the 49ers.
Well yesterday was a joy. As I was finishing up the weeklong task of cleaning up the house, I went into the last carpeted room that wasn’t vacuumed yet. After I sprinkled some carpet deodorizer onto the floor, I noticed that the vacuum cleaner wasn’t picking up any debris. We bought this thing a few months ago and now it’s on the fritz, yippie. After spending 20 minutes trying to figure out how to open it up, I noticed some band was busted/burnt off, which is probably the reason for the machine’s malfunction. Fortunately, I have an extra vacuum cleaner I use for the basement. It’s designed for hardwood floors, so it didn’t work all too that well but it sucked up the carpet cleaning stuff, so now I at least don’t have to worry about the cats rolling around in this shit.
After vacuuming (or at least attempting to vacuum), I went to use the digital camera and that didn’t work. My guess is it needs new batteries, but I don’t recall seeing the “battery low” being displayed the last time I used it. Hopefully, I just need to put in a new set of batteries and don’t have to replace it altogether. Of course there were no batteries in the house, so I had to drive to the Kmart down the street and buy some. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. When I got into my car, the damn thing wouldn’t start; hopefully this vehicle just needs a new battery as well, but who knows? When it rains it pours.
After breaking these three appliances/electronic devices, I watched for the first time “Million Dollar Baby.” I remember when this film came out there was some controversy about its supposedly “pro euthanasia” theme. I didn’t really get that vibe from watching the movie.
I consider myself a “pro-euthanasia” person, but only if that is the final wish of the person dying. In this movie dying was clearly the wish of Maggie Fitzgerald; it’s not like she had an ex-husband who was telling us 10 years ago she told him that she never wanted to live like she was in that hospital. The only two things I got “offended” at in this movie were Maggie’s white-trash family and that boxer who put her in the hospital bed with a cheap shot. It would have been nice to know what happened to her boxing career after committing that sucker punch, but at that point in the movie it really didn’t matter.
I’m not sure if it deserved to win “Best Picture,” because I haven’t seen any of the other nominees for that year, but I don’t think it was filmed to have all of us go to nursing homes and start yanking away life support plugs
After watching “Million Dollar Baby” I did some channel surfing and came across yet another hippie Vh1 Top 40 List. This time it was about the Top 40 Zany Concert Moments Of All Time. Seeing how I don’t go to music concerts, I stayed with this show just to find out what I have been missing all these years. Iggy Pop rubbed peanut butter on himself – wow. U2 got stuck in some huge stage prop – next. Someone dressed up as a frog, played a saxophone and fell in a moat – extreme. However, one entry got my attention, but it wasn’t for what happened at the event. Rather it was for what one person said about the fallout.
The year was 2004 and Linda Ronstadt was doing a Las Vegas show. After going off on a political spiel, which included praising Mikey Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11” some people in the audience started booing while others got up and left. Some even, allegedly, started throwing things at Ronstadt. When this was brought up on Vh1, we got to hear the expert testimony of Cindy Lauper compare these actions to a fascist state. *Sigh* Good one, Cindy. And these public figures wonder why many people don’t take them seriously when they try to go off from a script.
I only caught the first 20 of this list of wacky concert moments, but I’m willing to bet that Alice Cooper throwing a chicken out to an audience to be dismembered or Ozzie biting the head off of something-or-other up near the top on this list. I’m sure this list will be televised at least 1,000 before the end of the year, so it’s a good bet I’ll see the Top 20 Zany Concert Moments of all time in the near future.
Well, the Powerball jackpot has reached the $250 million mark, which of course means now that businesses across America are now engaged in office pools in hopes of getting the ultimate workplace bonus. Naturally my place of employment engages in this behavior whenever a lottery reaches the $150+ million mark, and I participate in my office lottery pool. Do I think I’ll win a share of this prize? Not at all. But I do know that if I don’t chip in my $5 it’s assured that my co-workers will win, and lord knows I don’t want that to happen.
A few jobs I worked at over the years have done these lottery pools, and I have always suggested the following in hopes of getting an easy win: Always have one person that regularly partakes in the office lottery not put in any money. The reason I say this is because nearly every office pool that wins these mega-lottery winnings always has some disgruntled employee suing because they weren’t offered a chance to put in a few dollars. Of course, this idea always gets shot down, but if I won part of a $100 million jackpot, I’d gladly skim a few million off the top to the person who didn’t put money in because the karma that helped us get this money was worth much more than any monetary contribution the “stiffed” person would have given.
Anyway, I know playing the lottery is like flushing your money down the toilet, but there’s no way I want to be left out of an office pool. Would you want to be that one schmoe the day after the winning numbers are called watching everyone else turn in their resignations because they each won several million? Of course you wouldn’t. And believe it or not, but the main reason I’d want to win the lottery is so when the several co-workers at my job who never participate in these pools ask to get a cut of the proceeds (and believe me they will), I can tell them to kiss my ass. Also, it would feel so great to tell any family members who I haven’t seen in at least a decade approach me with their hands out so I can say “fuck off.” The seven-digit bank account is a mere afterthought when compared to the glory of telling people you hate to jump off a bridge.
Even though I don’t regularly play the lottery, there have been two instances where I came close to winning. The first time took place years ago. I was no older than seven or eight, and I was in downtown Shittsburgh with my dad for some reason. We walked by a store that had a lottery machine, and he told me to pick three numbers for the Pennsylvania Daily Number. Not really wanting to do this, I just blurted out “804.” The old man bought the $1 ticket and gave it to me for safekeeping.
When 7 p.m. came around, it was time for the Daily Numbers to be drawn. The first number was “8.” The second was “0.” I was now up on my feet in my grandma’s living room shouting, “Come on 4! Come on 4!”
It was “5.” Sure the jackpot wouldn’t have been that big with the drawing being only three numbers between 0 and 9, but that wasn’t the point. I had aunts and uncles play this stupid game every night, and the looks of disgust I would have gotten for picking three correct numbers one night would have caused a rift in the family that probably would still go on to this very day.
The second time I came close to winning a lottery was a few years ago when I lived in the Cincinnati area. Some lottery called Mega Millions was up to an extraordinary high amount, and I became the person in charge of getting lottery entries together. (Swift Terror may remember this, seeing how we were employed there at the same time.) I didn’t mind coordinating this office pool, because that meant not having to do any real work for a day or two.
After a few days of getting the word out to the several hundred people in our building, I got entries from 57 people who chipped in $5 each. I walked down to the local Quickie-Mart and got 285 tickets. I came back, made copies of each ticket and passed them out to everyone. The Friday drawing was that night, and I didn’t stay up for it because I knew we had no chance of winning.
Or did we?
The next day I woke up and began to compare all the tickets with the winning numbers. I remember the drawn numbers had a funky order to them, like “1, 5, 6, 32 and 49” with some special colored ball being a different “25.” This unique order of numbers made it easy for me to go through the tickets, because the first several numbers were close to each other. Oops, this ticket’s low number is 24 -- loser. This one starts out with 12 -- next. Going through the tickets was smooth sailing until I stumbled across one ticket that read, “1, 5, 6, 32.” For an instant my heart stopped beating, and I think I was just seconds away from peeing myself. Naturally, the next number was off, as well as that hippie colored ball. The rest of my tickets weren’t even close to matching the winning numbers. When I looked to see what I had won for picking four correct numbers, it was $150. What really made my heart sink was that if there was one more number correct, we would have gotten a $175,000 prize, which when split up would have been a few grand per person. (If you are getting a sense of déjà vu over this story, I made a thread about this subject when it actually happened.)
Anyway, those are the two times I have come close to winning the lottery. Will tonight’s drawing be any different? The odds are 1-in-God-Knows-How-Many that it won’t be, but you never know. Somebody has to win this tax on the stupid.
• Oh how the mighty have fallen. At one time the Oakland/Los Angeles Raiders were the envy of the league. Now Al Davis can't even find a head coach to take the helm of his built-for-offense team. It looks like former coach Art Shell is now the front-runner, after Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhunt and Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino both pulled out of consideration.
• After giving their starting quarterback a contract extension, it looks like the Houston Texans will stick with David Carr rather than go with Vince Young or Matt Leinhart in the upcoming NFL Draft. Now the stage is set for the Texans to take running back Reggie Bush with the first overall pick, but I’m not sold on Houston making Bush their top choice. Of course Bush has all the tools to be a NFL star, but Houston already has a solid halfback in Dominack Davis. There might not be any offensive linemen in this year’s draft with superstar potential (I don’t pay much attention to college football or draft prospects), but if there were I’d trade this top pick and draft down a few spots to get a top offensive lineman or three, which would help Carr out much more than another running back. Look at what having a good offensive line did for Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who has progressed from wide-eyed rookie to Super Bowl champion in just two years. Hines Ward may catch Ben’s passes, but Alan Faneca and his fellow line mates are the ones who allow Ben to toss the ball to his receivers.
• Even if the Texans pull off a draft-day trade, the most interesting swap this year in the NFL has just taken place. Oddly enough, it didn’t involve any active players. NBC sent “Oswald the Lucky Rabbit” to ABC for broadcaster Al Michaels, so he can announce next season's Sunday Night Football games. For those that weren’t around at the time, Oswald was created in the 1920s by Walt Disney in the days before Mickey Mouse. So an award-winning 30-year broadcasting career is worth a few dozen silent cartoons? Think about that the next time you feel undervalued at your job. Actually, there were some other transactions in this deal. From the article: “As part of the deal, NBC sold ESPN cable rights to Friday coverage of the next four Ryder Cups through 2014. NBC also granted ESPN increased usage of Olympic highlights through 2012 and other NBC properties through 2011. NBC, in turn, gets expanded highlight rights to ABC and ESPN events.”
So who got the better of this deal? I'd say ABC, unless Michaels stays in the booth through 2014. And even then Oswald will still outlast Al if properly preserved.
• Speaking of being undervalued, how would it feel to lose your request for a pay increase but still get a raise worth more than $2 million? Alfonso Soriano knows. I still don’t get baseball arbitration. You signed a contract for $7.5 million/year – that’s the amount of money you get. Case closed. It’s not like you’re going to get cut by a baseball team and lose all that money. Just wait until your contract expires and seek your value on the open market.
• I don’t know much of this case, but I’m not going to cast judgment on Busta Rhymes for missing the wake of his slain bodyguard. While some might think he’s being inconsiderate, it’s possible Mr. Rhymes just doesn’t want to attract media attention to the bodyguard's family in this time of mourning. If he would have been in attendance during this somber occasion, the place would have been overrun by photographers and reporters. However, if Mr. Rhymes isn’t cooperating with police regarding this shooting, then he truly is a busta.
Blog Plugs
Since we’re all a happy community here, I figure why not plug my fellow bloggers?
• Bored fells like an old-timer when it comes to observing sports, and he opens up the vault to reminisce about his first baseball game. But like I said there, what depresses me is when I see players I remember watching retire and become managers, or, worse yet, advance up the corporate ladder from coach to general manager to president of a sports franchise.
• Alfdogg was pretty much spot-on in his guessing of the 2006 NBA All-Stars. While I can’t comment much on the NBA during the regular season, I don’t like having an All-Star game take place during the regular season. Say what you want about the Pro Bowl, but at least when that game is played, the athletes there put in a full season to deserve being called an All-Star, not half of a season.
• I thought we were over nitpicking animated/G-rated movies after the “outrage” over “The Lion King” and its RACIST overtones, what with the evil hyenas being black and all, but apparently I was wrong. Now these family films are SEXIST. According to some hippie study, male characters outnumbered female characters 3-to-1 overall in the top-grossing G-rated films from 1990-2004. From the article: "Joe Kelly, co-founder of Dads & Daughters, said as much as he loves 'Toy Story,' the study made him think about the movie differently. The movie has a positive message about two characters - Tom Hanks' Woody and Tim Allen's Buzz Lightyear - overcoming their differences and working together, but it does have a flaw, Kelly said. 'It wasn't until the study that I went back and realized there's only one toy that's a female character, and it's Bo-Peep. She's standing at the window going, 'Oh, Woody, don't hurt yourself,'" Kelly said. "Not that I want 'Toy Story' to be changed. I don't think there should be any sort of gender formula. But there are other movies to be made with powerful messages featuring female characters.'
Well, whenever a kid's movie featuring a strong female character, see it a bunch of times in the theater and buy the 20 DVD versions that come out. Give movie studios a reason to make more of the same. And while you’re at it, go produce a study comparing the ratio of male-to-female evil characters on Lifetime Movies of the Week.
While there are too many men in kid’s movies, apparently there aren’t enough in the doll world. After a two-year absence, Ken is going back to Barbie. I’m not too keen on the life and times of dolls, but from what I read these two kids split up after more than 40 years of cohabitation (I'm surprised they last this long, what with Ken missing some essential parts to his male anatomy). To add insult to injury in this breakup, Barbie took off with a new Aussie mate named Blaine. But now Ken is back on the scene. What was he doing all this time? Well, according to the N.Y. Times, "Ken, heartbroken, traveled the world in search of himself, making stops in Europe and the Middle East, dabbling in Buddhism and Catholicism, teaching himself to cook and slowly weaning himself off a beach bum life."
I’ll say this: These toys have more back story than a number of movies I’ve recently seen.
Even though I’m poking fun at Barbie (and making fun of Ken’s inability to “poke” at Barbie, as well), I do feel pity for them. After all, with more and more kids avoiding toys that don’t need a microchip or URL, playing with dolls or action figures seems to be going the way of the dinosaur. I hate to sound like an old-timer, but back in my day, even though I spent way more time with my Atari 2600 than I should have, there was always a place in my heart for playing with my Star Wars action figures in the backyard.
• Look, I get that Democrats don’t like President Bush, but is it really necessary for Howard Dean to say things like “"All we ask is that we not turn into a country like Iran where the President can do anything he wants"? You are aware that in another in 2-3 more years Bush will be leaving the presidency forever. Now if he stays in the Oval Office past 2008 then I’ll join Howie and Harry Reid in calling for W.’s removal from office. But until then, can you please lay off the “dictator” talk; say he’s a miserable failure, say he sucks, say he doesn’t care about women, minorities and the poor, but please stop with whining about how we’re turning into some Third-World country where the person in charge stays that way until he A) dies, or B) is overthrown. Saying stuff like this only makes you guys look silly.
On second thought, keep up the good work.
• No wonder George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people –– look at how he was treated at Coretta Scott King’s funeral. Even though she was the dead one at this house of worship, it seemed that some of the speakers at the event were trying to bury the President of the United States. Culprit A was Rev. Joseph Lowry when he said, "We know now that there were no weapons of mass destruction over there. But Coretta knew, and we know, that there are weapons of misdirection right down here.” Culprit B was former president Jimmy Carter, who wasn’t much better by bringing up “secret wire tapping” along with racially charged drivel about Hurricane Katrina.
These two dipshits said what they did with the intention of belittling the president, who was seated nearby and had to take these insults with a smile. Didn’t these people learn anything from the Paul Wellstone memorial a few years ago? Keep the insults coming, I say, and watch Bush look like a sympathetic figure more and more each and every time.
• Here's what I don't get about Democrats. Hitlery is the latest lib to say that Republicans are playing the "fear card" of terrorism to win elections. And just what in the blue hell does your party do, senator? Whenever election season comes around, what exactly do you call saying that the GOP wants to starve children, throw the elderly in the gutter, pollute the planet, cut social security, slash Medicare, encourage hate crimes, among other things? I'll save my left-leaning friends the trouble of hitting the Fast Reply button and typing in "I call it the truth -- lolz."
• A list of the top 10 tech jobs was recently released, and after looking at this list I must agree with these rankings, considering I have no idea what most of the job titles mean.
• Monday Night Football is not only moving to a new station, but it's also getting a new announcing team. Replacing Al Michaels and John Madden will be Joe Theismann, Tony Kornheiser and Mike Tirico. Eh. Don't really care. I was probably one of the only people in this world that didn't mind the Sunday Night crew of Theismann, Mike Patrick and Paul Maguire, although it wouldn't have killed them to say a team they were commenting on was "average" or "not quite up to playoff caliber." Even though I have some issues with Michael Wilbon, I wouldn't mind having him replace Theismann in this lineup. This way we could listen for three hours of him and Kornheiser bicker back and forth, much like they do on “Pardon The Interruption.” However, I'd be sure to have the TV on mute whenever the Philadelphia Eagles are slated to appear during a telecast; the knob-slobbing of Donovan McNabb would be too much, even for Patrick to bear.
• The Brazilian government is planning on passing out 25 million condoms during the country's Carnival holiday, which is scheduled to start on February 25. Two things: 1) Even though the rate of failure among condoms is debated, let’s just assume for this instance that the failure rate is three percent. That means if you go to this festival, get a rubber from the government and do your thing, you could have one of the 750,000 that won’t stop your boys from getting out, or from anything else getting inside of you. 2) I wouldn’t eat government cheese, why would I slide something onto my winky that was given to me by the State?
• So there I was scouring the Internet looking for a photo of Britney Spears driving around with her kid sitting on her lap when I came across this blurb: “The paparazzi came to Britney Spears aid this week when the car which she was driving broke down on a busy road in Malibu. According to reports, Spears was driving her husband's Ferrari near her Malibu home when it suddenly cut out, leaving her stranded on a very busy highway.”
Her husband’s Ferrari? Uh-huh.
Oh, and here is that stupid picture.
• So USA Today is speaking out against those who are cowering in the face Muslims offended by cartoons. In a February 8 editorial titled, “Shameful Appeasement, the article says, “What's clear is that East and West are not just cultures apart, but centuries, and that certain elements of the Muslim world would like to drag us back into the Dark Ages. What is also clear is that the West's own leaders, both in Europe and the USA, as well as many of our own journalists, have been weak-spined when it comes to defending the principles of free expression that the artists in Denmark were exploring.”
Now after reading this editorial, you would think that USA Today would stand in solidarity with its Global Media brethren and show it’s readers what the fuss is all about with these drawings? In a February 7 USA Today’s Life section column, Deputy World Editor Jim Michaels said, "(At USA Today) we concluded that we could cover the issue comprehensively without republishing the cartoon, something clearly offensive to many Muslims. It's not censorship, self or otherwise.”
• And speaking of these offensives cartoons, I have come up with a way to bring everybody together on this issue. Maybe even Allah will chill out for a few minutes before getting mad at us infidels again.
• Remember what I said yesterday about idiots in my area that complained Bill Cowher could never get past the Conference Championship Game? Well, this morning as I was doing some work outside of my office, I got to listen to one dipshit co-worker of mine talk with another about Sunday’s game. Instead of saying how great it was for Shittsburgh (and he is a Steeler fan) to finally win a Super Bowl, all he did was bitch about how horrible Ben Roethlisberger played. When the person he was talking to said that Ben’s performance could have been due to nerves, his reply was “that’s no excuse.” I love this town.
• Speaking of the Super Bowl, a controversy that didn’t take place on the field involved the pre-game ceremony. In one of the more interesting moments in recent Super Bowl history, nearly every Super Bowl MVP was introduced before kickoff. However, two of the better known MVPs, quarterbacks Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw, were missing.
Some media outlets have claimed that Montana wanted a $100,000 appearance fee for attending this event, while Bradshaw said he didn’t want to take part in order to spend more time with his family. (Montana has since said that him asking for $100k is not true.) Believe each quarterback’s story or not, that’s up to you. However, I don’t fault either man for not attending this event; it was their choice. For as much money as both stars made while playing for the NFL, the league capitalized on each man’s achievements as well. But either athlete shouldn’t be shocked when they get greeted at future pubic events with boos from the crowd, which is their choice to do as well.
• The Steelers Super Bowl rally took place today in Shittsburgh, and one of the speakers was Lynn Swann, who is running for Pennsylvania governor. I wonder if this free air-time/publicity is allowed under campaign-finance laws? Then again, current governor Ed Rendell was also at this event, so I guess “equal time” can be applied in this case.
• Speaking of the Shittsburgh Super Bowl rally, a local controversy has started up after a school district cancelled classes today because the school’s band took part in the festivities. I have no problem with parents letting their kids skip school to attend a post-championship rally, but I have a problem when a school district enacts this policy. I remember back when I was in high school and the Penguins won back-to-back Stanley Cup titles; our school didn’t close down so students could attend those rallies. Of course, about one-third of the students didn’t come into class for that day anyway, and the other two-thirds of us spent most of the day in rooms watching the events on television.
• Denmark’s Prime Minister is calling the protests over those Muslim cartoons a global crisis. Right. And speaking of those offensive cartoons, check out what the Muslim world draws in their media. This one is my personal favorite. I especially like the shades of gray used throughout the image; it really goes well with the flying blood and the overall circular feel of the picture.
• Looks like NBC anchor Brian Williams is having trouble trying to recognize two Democrat politicians: Tennessee congressman Harold Ford, Jr., and Illinois Senator Barack Obama. From the Hill: “During NBC’s broadcast, Williams noticed Obama on the House floor and identified him to the viewing audience. Unfortunately it was actually Ford.” Oops. Able to see any resemblance between Ford and Obama? Me neither. I guess Williams got them confused because they both speak so well.
• One reason Jimmy Carter got elected President back in 1976 was because voters were tired of scandals such as Watergate and wanted someone who didn’t appear to be corrupt. Well, the voters got their wish. Instead of being corrupt, Carter was just plain stupid. Now his son is planning a Senate run in Nevada; the good news if he gets elected is that he won’t follow in dad’s footsteps and attempt to broker nuclear deals with third-world nations – at least not in his first term.
• So now Ray Nagin is looking to other countries to help rebuild his flooded city? What he ought to do is contact the United Nations, which is one of the few institutions more corrupt than his city of New Orleans.
• Oh, and speaking of asshole mayors, the one in New London, Conn., is offering a compromise to those homeowners whose property got seized so a private business can make more money for the State. Under this plan, several of the former landowners would be able to say, but they need to pay rent to the city in order to live there. What a great idea. Now even more money will be paid to the State, all in the name of the greater good.
Well Super Bowl XL has come and gone, and I might as well make the obvious “The real MVP for the Steelers were the referees loloneforthethumb2006,” joke and continue on with a few thoughts.
• While Seattle got hit with a few calls, I don’t think it was as bad as some people are saying. For example, I thought the Roethlisberger rushing touchdown was good; even though he tucked the ball in as he was landing on the turf, the ball was extended enough to touch the goal line when he was in mid-air. By no means was this an easy call to make, and it took me almost as much time as it took the officials who reviewed the play to confirm my decision.
That offensive pass interference call which cost Seattle a touchdown is another penalty I don’t have a problem with. Even though Darrell Jackson barely touched the defender covering him, he was still blocking the opponent right in front of an official, and when viewed in real time it looked a lot worse than it did in slow motion. The sad thing about this play is that it appeared Jackson already had position on his defender and didn’t need to do that push off.
The few penalties I had problems/questions about were that one holding call which erased a play that put Seattle on the Steeler one-yard-line and the “cut block” penalty assessed to Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. I was also curious as to why Steeler linebacker Joey Porter didn’t get a penalty called on him for taking down Shaun Alexander with what looked like a horsecollar tackle. (I could be wrong on this one, but it stuck out when I watched the play.)
• Big Ben has played better postseason games, and that one interception deep in Seahawk territory reminded me of Rodney Harrison’s pick in last year’s AFC Conference Championship game. However, Ben did have his moments. The most notable was when he scrambled out of the pocket, took note of where the line of scrimmage was, not to mention the location of the nearest defenseman, and threw a 37-yard pass to Hines Ward that set up his team's first touchdown.
• My surprise stat of the night: Alexander’s 95-yard rushing effort. I did a double take when I saw how many yards he gained with his 20 carries.
• I agree that Hines Ward should have been the MVP with five catches for 123 yards and a touchdown, as well as a key first-down run that knocked a Seattle safety out for the game. In addition, most of his catches were for first downs, and a number of them were caught despite being poorly thrown by Roethlisberger.
• I wasn’t sure about Seattle's chances coming in. I felt they had all the tools to win, but they never proved to me during the regular season that they could beat stellar competition on the road or on a neutral field. Despite several dropped passes, and some questionable clock management, they showed that they could compete; just not win. For the most part their defense played tough. However, they gave up four plays that gained 155 yards, nearly half of the Steelers' 339 total for the game. My doubts about the Steelers blitzing against the Seahawks' pass protection schemes were proven right for the most part, and Seattle's passing game showed that they could move the ball against Pittsburgh's secondary. But when it came time to make the big play, penalty-free of course, they came up short.
• This game may have been ugly, but the commercials were worse. The only ads I liked were from Budweiser; topping the list was the “streaker” ad. Oh, and after hearing that godawful rendition of our country's National Anthem, I understand why the NFL outsourced the job of halftime entertainment to a group overseas instead of going with some homegrown Motown sounds. I'm sure the NFL even got a great price considering the "wear and tear" of the band they selected.
• I’m happy for Bill Cowher finally winning the big game, because I’m so sick of hearing local idiots around the Shittsburgh area constantly criticizing him and suggesting he needs to be fired. While I have said many times that the Steelers are one of the biggest underachieving teams since the early 1990s, I base this on the fact they have lost four Conference Championship games at home and won one game that they didn’t deserve to win. In addition, in 1992 they had the top seed and lost to Buffalo in the Divisional Round. However, it’s better to have a coach that can get your team to five Conference Championship games in a losing effort than to have a coach which can’t get your team into one.
I remember watching Cowher's first game with the Steelers. Coaching legend Chuck Knoll had retired, and this thirty-something guy with a noticeable chin was taking over. The first game of the Cowher regime was in a hostile Astrodome environment up against a Houston Oilers team that was one of the AFC's best. After not doing much of anything on their first drive of the game, the Steelers faked a punt that was good for a long gain. This gutsy play-call set up an early-game score, taking the crowd out of the rest of game. Ever since then, Cowher has been a fixture on the Steeler sideline, and now, thanks to this championship, he's going to be a fixture in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
• Even though I'm from the Shittsburgh area, I consider myself to be nonpartisan when it comes to the local sports teams. This run the Steelers went on late in the season and in the playoffs was nothing short of amazing. After all those years of coming up short when given home field in the postseason, it's funny to see this team win it all while having to play on the road in some of the most hostile stadiums in the NFL. And while this city loves you guys, don't expect it to last long. While listening to Mark Madden's sports radio show this afternoon, there were several callers already talking about how this team will fare in 2006-2007 with the dozen or so players eligible for free agency in the upcoming off-season.
So exactly how many more months are there until mini-camp?
Many choices I make in life I try to base on “principle.” One of them is where I get my news. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OMG FAUX NEWS LOL2006! Drudge’s sirens, red headlines and DEVELOPING exclusives! RIGHT-WING RADIO! In this instance I'm not talking about these particular media outlets; I am instead referring to the local newspapers in my area. In the Shittsburgh region, there are two “major” daily publications: the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. The Post-Gazette is by far the more widely read of the two. It also happens to be a liberal rag.
There are a lot of reasons why I can’t stand the Post-Gazette. One example is back in the late 1990s when the region faced a referendum on whether to increase the county’s sales tax by a fraction of a percent in order to help fund new stadiums for the Steelers and Pirates. Of course the Post-Gazette was all for this. During the months leading up to the vote, there was story after story about how great this tax was going to be for the region. However, there was one thing the Post-Gazette never seemed to mention: the fact that the newspaper owned a minority share of the Pirates. It’s interesting that this little tidbit was rarely, if ever, mentioned when it should have been noted in nearly every article about this tax increase so the reader could know about a potential conflict of interest. Of course when the referendum crashed and burned, despite the Post-Gazette and other tax supporters warning that the Pirates were going to move to another state, the stadiums were built anyway with a different source of funding. While the excuse made by the Post-Gazette was that their share in the Pirates was small, would they be just as understanding to a politician who was in a similar situation? (The answer, by the way, is "no.")
Another memory I have of the Post-Gazette took place more than a decade ago. This time the paper wrote a favorable editorial about the doubling of a toll for a local expressway, stating that commuters using this road should pay for the convenience. A few weeks later these same people wrote a negative editorial about a local bank raising its ATM service fee. Now besides the fact that the first fee increase was done by the government and the second increase was done by a private institution, what’s the difference between the two increases? Both are “service-oriented” tolls that can be avoided by a consumer, and both were of a similar amount (something like 50 cents). One just happened to make an evil corporation richer while the other paid for more construction workers to stand around a gravel pit and play with big machines.
A more recent oldie-but-goldie came when the Post-Gazette weighed in on the Kelo v. New London case that went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. Basically, this was an eminent domain situation where the State wanted to take the homes of residents and give the land to a private developer. In their praising of this decision, it’s interesting to note how the Post-Gazette labeled three of the Justices who dissented as “conservative” yet don’t use any adjectives to describe the five communists that said it’s OK for the State to take a person’s land and give it to someone else who will, in theory, generate more tax revenue, thus contributing to the “greater good” of an area.
When I decided to subscribe to a local newspaper I did not want to become a regular customer of the left-wing Post-Gazette. I turned to the Tribune-Review, a much more conservative publication funded by the “George Soros of the right-wing” Richard Mellon Scaife. I didn’t care much about the actual news content I was buying since I read on the Internet most of the wire articles both newspapers use. All I wanted was a Sunday newspaper so I could clip coupons and look through weekly circulars.
I ordered a year’s subscription to the Trib, and the service I received during those 12 months was less-than-stellar. My subscription was for Sunday newspapers only, and for the year I was a subscriber I didn’t receive my publication in at least eight instances. When it came time to renew my subscription, I decided to wait and see if the Trib would contact me and offer me some sort of deal because I certainly wasn’t going to pay full price for this pisspoor service. (My original offer was a discounted “new customer” promotion.)
After my subscription expired, I received some extra issues in the weeks that followed, which was expected. Whenever I got stiffed on my Sunday newspaper, I let the Trib home office know about it and they’d give me a credit. Well, this past week, I got a letter from the Trib. Was it an special offer to renew my subscription? No.
It was a bill for two month’s worth of newspapers delivered to my house.
Curious about this bill, I called the Trib and was told by a customer service representative that my subscription ran out and this fee was for the newspapers I received that weren’t part of my subscription. She added that unless I called the Tib and specifically told them not to renew my subscription, that they would assume I wanted my subscription renewed. Now I have subscribed to at least a half-dozen news publications in my lifetime, and whenever I decided not to re-subscribe I didn't have to call and tell them of my decision. When my subscriptions ran out at these other places, I simply stopped getting their publications.
When I told this lady how could the Trib have known what I wanted to do in regards to my account, she said that sending issues to people that haven’t re-subscribed was company policy. I then told her that these Sunday newspapers stopped arriving at my house more than a month ago, thus showing me the Trib must have realized that I no longer wanted their service; otherwise, I would be still getting newspapers. I encountered an extended pause, followed by “I’m sorry,” to which I replied, “No, I’m sorry because the Tribune-Review will never have me as a regular subscriber again.”
Now what am I to do? Go to the liberal rag in town for my weekly coupons or stick with the right-wing tabloid that screwed me out of a few bucks? Well, unless I get a subscription deal from either publication, I will just drive down to a local business that sells newspapers (there are several located less than a mile from my house), and get whatever one is available.
This week, the Post-Gazette’s early Sunday edition is my coupon-clipper of choice. I’m still deciding on whether or not to read the editorial page, though.
• I was listening to Rush today on RIGHT-WING RADIO, and he busted out an audio clip of that infamous ESPN Sunday Countdown where he said those mean things about Donovan McNabb being overrated because the mainstream sports media want black quarterbacks to succeed. It has been a while since I saw that Countdown episode, and I’m glad I got to hear this segment again because it was more hilarious the second time around. Not only did I get to relive Michael Irvin’s “He has a point” remark, but also, interestingly enough, nobody on the panel reacted with offense to Rush’s dreaded “overrated” line when it was first uttered, not even Chris “I never saw Donovan McNabb as a black quarterback ever …ever …” Berman. In addition, there weren’t any little black kids asking Tom Jackson if it is OK for them to be quarterbacks. Fuck you ESPN, fuck you Berman, and Fuck you Jackson.
• So what exactly is the worst thing you can do to a Muslim male nowadays? Is it cramming a bunch of them in a crappy boat that’s destined to sink? No sir. It looks like drawing funny pictures of Mohammad is the answer. Why do I say this? Because a bunch of Muslims are up in arms at a Danish newspaper that had the audacity to publish back in September some caricatures of this prophet of Allah, which I guess is forbidden to do in the Muslim world, much like it is to have literate wives and daughters that want professional careers.
In a show of solidarity, and an unusual display of spine, other European newspapers defended Denmark and ran the pictures in their publications. A French editor was even fired for publishing these cartoons. And while the European media have stood up to this Muslim aggression (you don’t hear that every day), the U.S. State Department is siding with those who would consider us infidels. So let me get this straight. We fund “artists” to submerge the image of Christ in a jar of pee, but we align ourselves with those who think these are offensive? Nice.
Also, why is the North American media shying away from showing us these pictures? "I don't see it as a necessity to run them," said the editorial page editor at the San Francisco Chronicle. I wonder if these people in Medium-Large Media thought the same way about, oh, Abu Ghraib?
• Just after he was sworn in to rape, pillage and plunder anything that is not connected to Halliburton, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has sided with the commie libs on the High Court and said that the state of Missouri can’t just yet go and execute some guy for raping and killing a 15-year old girl. Why did he rule this way? My guess is because the crime only took place in 1989, which is far too soon to kill a convicted murderer/rapist; the condemned has at least 15 more years to suck up public funds in his quest to have what he refused his victims -- life. I’m sure there’s a valid reason why Alito went in the direction he did, but I’m too indifferent and lazy to try and find out.
• Some kids in Florida have refused to sell junk food for fundraising purposes in hopes of collecting enough money for a school trip to Williamsburg, Va., and Washington, D.C. Well, if they don’t want to peddle these wares and can’t come up with another way of getting the money, then they better not whine about their lack of out-of-classroom activities. A teacher at this school has tried to come up with other ways for these kids to raise money; one idea was to have car washes. Too bad that a washing a car is even worse than selling junk food. Not only are you wasting a precious resource to do something that can be accomplished by Mother Nature on a rainy day, but also you are sprucing up an evil machine that pollute the environment.
• Western Union has ceased with what made them famous -- they have stopped providing telegram services. Good for them. Who sends telegrams anyway now? Instead of saying goodbye to an old fixture of previous American societies, we ought to be encouraged that Western Union has evolved with the changing marketplace and focused its talents on additional services instead of the out-dated telegram. Other businesses would be wise to follow this practice.
• So that’s why the Wendy's down the street from me shut down last month? Damnit. That was a nice store, too. Those people that organized the finger-in-the-chili hoax deserve to burn in hell for taking away my Wendy's.
• New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg “anonymously” gave $100 million to help fund a stem-cell research facility. If the donation was “anonymous,” then why am I reading about it? Well, at least he puts his money where his mouth is regarding this issue, which is odd for any politician to do. And while we’re talking about New York and fetuses, this guy got charged with abortion while beating his knocked-up girlfriend. Oddly enough, the baby survived. I’ll leave the punch line up to you.
There are only a few more days until Super Bowl XL, and like every other Super Bowl since 1990 I haven't tuned in to the usual media hype. Sorry, but half-a-month's worth of coverage leading up to one game is just too much for anyone to endure. I understand it's the "Big Game" and all, but come on already. I personally like the one-week wait from the Conference Championship games to the Super Bowl whenever it's been done, but oh well. Life goes on.
As a southwestern Pennsylvania resident, I am more privy to the latest inside info regarding this year's AFC champ. Below are some Steeler-related newsbytes.
• Today marks an annual event in southwestern Pa.; Groundhog Day. This "holiday" takes place in a small town named Punxatony that bases a large chunk of its tourism revenue around a rodent, who if he sees his shadow means we all have to deal with six more weeks of winter.
Well this year when the townspeople gathered around this groundhog, who is named Punxatony Phil, they made sure to wrap him up in a Terrible Towel. Now for those that don't know, the Terrible Towel is one of those golden obnoxious rags that Steeler fans wave around during a game. This device was conceived back in 1975 by a local sportscaster, and if you defaced one of these things at Heinz Stadium you would be lucky to walk away without any broken limbs.
As Phil made this year's prediction (he saw his shadow by the way), he tinkled in the Terrible Towel wrapped around him; he must be a Seahawks fan, which is odd considering if seahawks actually existed, Phil would probably be viewed more as dinner than a four-legged meteorologist by the bird.
Of course, Phil could have also been wondering what in the hell these crazy people were doing to him.
• Some of the idiotic callers this week on my local sports radio stations have been goofing on the Seattle area. While it only took about a day for the "all that's up there is rain and coffee" jokes to get old, there was one diss that made me laugh. Several callers have made fun of the Seahawk franchise for their less-than-stellar history in regards to winning. In fact, this is the first time ever in the team's 30-year history that it has reached the Super Bowl. Of course, what these callers seem to forget is that before the 1970s the Steelers never won a damn thing. In fact, from 1933-1971 the Steelers finished the regular season with a .500 record only 12 times and made the postseason game once, which they lost. Seattle, on the other hand, from 1976-2004, finished with a .500 record 16 times and made the postseason seven times.
• I have heard for years that the Steelers travel well, meaning whenever the team goes on the road to play a game there is usually a decent amount of fans cheering them at the other team's stadium. This isn't hard for me to believe. Is it because the Steelers fostered a devout following during their 1970s run where they won four Super Bowls in six year? Maybe. However, I think a more accurate reason is because the southwest Pennsylvania region has had its population leave the area en masse over the years, and these transplanted Pittsburghers have set up residence elsewhere throughout the country.
Whether or not my theory is correct, I have noted that during the weeks leading up to postseason games at Cincinnati, Indianapolis and now Detroit, there have been businesses in all of these regions advertising their restaurants/bars/hotels. I didn't hear a Denver-based business advertise before the Conference Championship game, but that doesn't mean it happened. I'm sure this happens in other cities, but the only other NFL city I have ever lived near to was Cincinnati, and that was before the Marvin Lewis era.
• Whenever the Steelers make the playoffs, the local newspapers always go to town regarding team coverage. This makes sense after all since people will purchase $1.50 Sunday edition just for the pin-up poster found in the special Sports section. Well, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has also encouraged Steeler fans to submit photos to show their support for the home team, and some of these pictures are, well, you decide. Here are my "top" choices.
Here,
here,
here,
and here
• Now you may be thinking that Shittsburgh is going crazy because the Steelers are headed to the Super Bowl for the first time in a decade. Wrong. Steeler fans are always nuts, even when the team has a losing record. Last summer, long before this NFL season's opening kickoff, a fan passed away and was laid out for viewing sitting on a recliner, dressed in black-and-gold pajamas and facing a television playing Steeler highlights. The TV remote was, of course, in his hand, and beer and cigarettes were nearby.
Then again, if one is to pass away, this isn't a bad way to go out.
