• So I was at this hotel for my workplace’s quarterly board meeting today, and what group is sharing the same building as me? The National Society of Black Engineers. The fuck? One thing I learned today is that black engineers sure like to talk on their cell phones. Oh, and that black engineers sure like to dress professionally. For a second I thought I was in a courtroom and seated directly behind the defendant’s chair. Say, with all these black engineers, maybe Louis Farrakhan contracted this group to blow up the New Orleans levies just so he can blame it on Halliburton. Hmm, I may be on to something here. Oh, and what’s the only thing better than being an asshole? Being an asshole to your boss with the Board of Directors of your workplace present. Of course, if you were being an asshole and your boss’ name was “Dick,” then you might be in trouble, but that’s not the case with the two idiots that sign my paychecks.
• Last night I was fiddling with Comcast’s On-Demand service and decided to watch a childhood classic: Red Dawn. I almost forgot how great this movie was. WOLVERINES! Whenever those commies invade, all you pansy-ass anti-NRA types will sure regret wanting to take away my side’s guns. Then again, you probably won’t because all you types will be welcoming the enemy on your knees. When I saw this as a kid I totally missed the “Thanks to gun registration files my comrades can find and kill all the law-abiding U.S. citizens that own firearms and could give us trouble” angle. Now that I’m older and realize how the one-world government wants to eliminate all forms of individuals protecting themselves, I can now fully appreciate this cinematic masterpiece. Oh, and then there was that whole issue of high school kids wiping out platoons of Cubans and Russians with rocket launchers and special ops-caliber strategies. So the commies are smart enough to spring a surprise attack across the United States but yet are no match for a handful of crazy teens? Yeah, but these kids were in a red state. Well, except for that fag who swallowed that tracker-device thing – I’m willing to bet him and his bitch-ass old man moved in from California or something.
• While I’m on the topic of WOLVERINES, did you see Ohio Sate/Michigan today? OMG GAME OF THE CENTRUY! Actually, I didn’t watch this game, nor do I give a shit. Well, maybe I do a little bit because it had two extremely good rival teams playing against each other. After seeing the ESPN highlights, I started hearing the “OMG REMATCH” talk. Hey, fags, I thought the beauty of a playoff-less college football game is that every game is like a playoff; one loss and you’re out. So quit this “rematch” shit, because if the regular season was REALLY like a playoff, then Michigan is out in the semi-finals. I don’t know if there’s another undefeated team besides the Buckeyes, nor do I care. I was hoping Louisville would go undefeated just so some hippie Big East team could then get the shit kicked out of them in the BcS Championshit game. That way the national sports media can go “OMG Why isn’t Michigan in a rematch?” Because Louisville was undefeated and Michigan wasn’t, you bitches. Yet another reason I don’t take college football all that seriously.
8 p.m.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 37: AlwaysPissedOff
Now one would think with him being all African-American and shit that this would be an appropriate user name. But the strange thing is I don’t think I’ve ever seen him pissed off, or even slightly irritated for that matter. And he’s been in my kkk Bowl league since the beginning, so he has to be aware of my unwavering RACISM. After a few lean seasons, Mr. APO has made the last two postseasons, and even came within one victory of a kkk Bowl III appearance (yet another person with every right to hate a certain peckerwood with a title involving a bunch of jumbled letters and numbers). However, he does seem like an angry black man fo’ sho’ here. And he sure misses those BK cheese sticks. Nevertheless, I’ll be secretly pulling for him should kkk Bowl V commence in ’07-’08. Well, it won’t be so secret now.
And now a word from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Cancer Marney:
3 p.m.
• Crap, I need to get going on this year's Brackkketology before it's too late. Might as well start with the "play-in" game -- does it really matter who wins this? I say Niagara will FALL to the other team. Get it? Niagara, Fall. Oh, I'm a regular laugh riot.
FIRST ROUND
Florida (1), Jackson State (16)
Arizona (8), Purdue (9)
Butler (5), Old Dominion (12) Will that loss to Wright State in Butler’s conference championship game be a wake-up call or an omen of things to come? I’m hoping for the former.
Maryland (4), Davidson (13)
Notre Dame (5), Winthrop (11)
Oregon (3), Miami of Ohio (14) Fuck Miami O – I hope they get crushed.
UNLV (7), Georgia Tech (10)
Wisconsin (2), Tex A&M CC (15)
Kansas (1) Whoever (16)
Kentucky (8), Villanova (9)
Virginia (5), Illinois (12) They were good a few years ago. Yeah, great logic picking them now.
Southern Illinois (4), Holy Cross (13)
Duke (6), VCU (11)
Pittsburgh (3), Wright State (14) Oh I am so tempted to pick WSU in this one, but I expect the Panthers to crap out in Round 2.
Indiana (7), Gonzaga (10) Please God let the Zags lose in the first round; I don’t want to hear another “OMG THEY’RE A CINDERELLA STORY” again.
UCLA (2), Weber State (15)
North Carolina (1), Eastern Kentucky (16)
Marquette (8), Michigan State (9)
Southern Cal (5), Arkansas (12)
Texas (4), New Mexico State (13)
Vanderbilt (6), George Washington (11)
Washington State (3), Oral Roberts (14)
Boston College (7), Texas Tech (10)
Georgetown (2), Belmont (15)
Ohio State (1), Central Conn. State (16)
BYU (8), Xavier (9)
Tennessee (5), Long Beach (12)
Virginia (4), Albany (13)
Louisville (6), Stanford (11)
Texas A&M (3), Penn (14)
Nevada (7), Creighton (10)
Memphis (2), North Texas (15)
SECOND ROUND
Florida (1), Purdue (9)
Maryland (4), Butler (5)
Oregon (3),Winthrop (11)
Wisconsin (2), Georgia Tech (10)
Kansas (1), Villanova (9)
Southern Illinois (4), Illinois (12)
Pitt (3), Duke (6)
UCLA (2), Indiana (7)[/b]
UNC (1), Marquette (8)
Texas (4), Southern Cal (5)
Washington State (3), George Washington (11)
Georgetown (2), Boston College
Ohio State (1), Xavier (9)
Virginia (4), Tennessee (5)
Texas A&M (3), Louisville (6)
Memphis (2), Creighton (10)
THIRD ROUND
Florida (1), Maryland (4)
Wisconsin (2), Oregon (3)
Kansas (1), Southern Illinois (4)
UCLA (2), Duke (6)
North Carolina (1), Texas (4)
Georgetown (2), George Washington (11)
Ohio State (1) Tennessee (5)
Memphis (2), Louisville (6)
FOURTH ROUND
Florida (1), Oregon (3)
Kansas (1), UCLA (2)
Georgetown (2), Texas (4)
Ohio State (1), Louisville (6)
FINAL FOUR
Florida (1), UCLA (2)
Ohio State (1), Texas (4)
FINAL TWO
Ohio State (1), Florida (1) Revenge for the BcS Bowl-thingy.
Jesus Christ, I barely picked any upsets. Well, I’m a pussy, so what do you expect? Now that my picks are out in the open, it’s time to guess what will really happen:
Notre Dame and Virginia Tech will reach the Final Four, that guy from Texas will blow out his knee in the first round, and Central Conn. State will be the first 16 seed ever to upset a number 1. Too bad I’ll forget what teams I picked by this time tomorrow.
9 a.m.
• Oh no, now the integrity of ... uh, movie boxing, will be FOREVER TAINTED!
So when Stallone was killing all those gooks in Rambo II he was CHEATING?! And lol at that Rocky IV scene where he was training the "old-fashioned" way (carrying heavy stuff and chopping wood) while his commie opponent was roiding up.
8:45 p.m.
• I actually endorse a person's "right" to die.
Look, if you lived a long life and suffering from terminal cancer and want to exit stage left early a little early, then so be it. Now if you are 30something, "depressed" and want to end it all, then go ahead. It'll save me from having to hear you bitch about how much life sucks.
• So how does one pass through the screening process in order to get into an Aussie gay bar: dress nice, look thin, fuck the bouncer?
12:15 p.m.
• I hope these assholes get caught just so I can hear them and their ACLU lawyers say they were within their First Amendment rights. Hopefully someone will then try to see if putting two in each of thier skulls is within his (or her) Second Amendment rights.
7:45 p.m.
• What a bunch of pussies.
Well I guess this makes sense. Rush and his ilk cause global warming, so why should these listeners be warned when a hurricane they helped create comes over and wipes them out with no warning?
7:15 p.m.
• So there’s this semi-local restaurant called Eat ‘n Park. It’s got a number of locations, but it’s regional. Anyway, they have this stupid mascot thing called Smiley, named after their smiley cookies. What is it? A cookie with frosting that makes it look like there’s a happy face. Well last night the better half wanted to go to the Eat ‘n Park across from the grocery store we go to every Tuesday afternoon. Turns out that was the time Mr. Smiley was paying a visit to that restaurant. And the place was PACKED with kids all screaming "SMILEY!"
Believe it or not, I wasn’t that annoyed. I normally don’t mind noisy kids if they’re having fun. That’s what kids are supposed to do, after all. It’s the ones that throw temper tantrums that I want to smack upside the head with a brick. Well, as Mr. Smiley was making his rounds, Mrs. kkk made some remark about Mr. Smiley, and just to be an asshole I said I’d break Mr. Smiley’s leg and shout out to all these brats, “Where’s your Smiley now?” This of course brought the usual, “You hate everything that’s good and wholesome in this world.” I normally respond with a pedophile priest joke, but this time my retort was, “So what’s your point?” I then added we should go to another local restaurant because their mascot better resembled my attitude. And just what is this other mascot?
The Frownie.
Good God is this a fucking retarded character. It makes the Mr. Smiley marketing concept look like those three Budweiser frogs from the mid-90s. You know Bud … Weis … Er. (And I didn't even like those frogs to begin with.) The Frownie’s restaurant, which is called King’s, has this thing included in a number of its billboards making some pseudo-sarcastic comment. For example, there’s one billboard I drive by every day on the way home from work pimping some kind of sandwich, and the Frownie is saying, “Nice Buns.” Who comes up with this shit? And don’t get me started on the television commercials.
Too late.
"That’s one mean dessert?" Fuck around with my sales reports and I’d be putting your right hand through the paper shredder. Bitch.
7 a.m.
• I didn't watch last nights NBA game but I heard on the radio today that LeBron got fouled when he took his last shot. A clip was then played after the game with James being asked a question about that play, and he replied "incidental contact." Well played, even though from what I've gathered last night's game was not.
9 p.m.
• So this past weekend I had to get my driver’s license renewed. Actually, I forgot all about this until I went to rent a car for my recent business trip. The rent-a-car guy took one look at my license and noted that I had a few days before it expired. Oops. This of course meant it was time to go to the DMV. Woo-hoo.
As I entered this public works cornucopia there was the “take ticket here and wait for your number to be called machine.” I was number 56. They were serving some number in the low 40s. The time was 10:14 a.m. and the ticket stated that there would be “an estimated 14 minute wait.”
…
At 10:50 a.m. my number was finally called. And the only way I was able to get served so “early” was because a half dozen people didn’t respond when their numbers were up. I think what burns me up the most in these situations is that while it takes other people 20 minutes to perform such feats as check into a hotel, pay for groceries or order stamps at the post office, when I get up to the counter my transaction lasts about 30 seconds. And of course this time was no exception.
An estimated 14-minute wait turned out to be 45 minutes. I sure can’t wait until we get government health care – you think the lines are long now at the doctor’s office. You ain’t seen nothing yet.
Before I leave this entry, I also have to relay the story of the two people sitting behind me who didn’t realize there was a “take ticket here and wait for your number to be called machine.” They sat behind us for a good 20 minutes before realizing that the names being called out were for people who already had their photos taken and were being called up to receive their ID. The fact these people are allowed to vote sometimes scare the hell out of me.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 64: UseTheSledgehammerUh
This guy gets a lot of criticism, and at one point he was even banned, but I’ve never had a problem with him. In fact, his user name is one of the better ones around here, imo, and he has shown us in the past how to party, mixer-style. Of course if you look back on those threads all you get are a bunch of "User Posted Images," but we'll always have our memories.
And now a word or seven from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From The Real World's Champion:
From Black Lushus:
From EricMM:
From Bob Barron:
From Carnival:
From Cancer Marney:
From SFA Jack:
• I am in sheer awe of this old guy who lives across the street from me. Despite living with what I am assuming are his children and grandchildren – the youngest of which is in his teens – this poor guy still does all of the property's yard work. Yesterday I noticed a ladder in the front of this house, and when I looked more closely I noticed that this guy, who can barely walk on level ground, was on the ladder and doing something to a window that involved a power tool. He spent at least two-and-a-half hours out there doing God-knows-what, but bless him for his efforts. I know I would probably kill myself if I had to do any home improvements that took me off the ground.
• While I’m talking about neighbors, the people which live to the one side of me (not the old guy who kills groundhogs, but the other people with the barking dog), have set up all this playground equipment, including a big-ass trampoline. Now if they would only get around to mowing their lawn. The better half thinks they’re drug dealers, but I’m leaning more toward them setting up some unregulated daycare business.
• I heard this on Rush’s show today. And they say people in the Northwest aren’t passionate about their teams. But before I go thinking that people along the Left Coast are normal, I have to add that this judge filed a complaint against HERSELF.
• And now for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Some woman phones in and wants to know how she can properly love her husband. When asked why she needs help in “loving her husband” this woman replied, “Because he scares me.”
10 p.m.
• I actually thought about saying this at my wedding just for a joke. Good thing I didn't or I wouldn't be alive today to tell this story. Then again I'm sure other people are saddened I didn't open my mouth for once.
8 p.m.
• It's official. Bill Cowher is no longer coaching the Steelers.
I'm sure there's some behind-the-scenes stuff going on, but this is probably as good-natured a departure as you're going to get in the NFL. I've talked about Cowher before, and while I contend the Steelers underachieved in regards to only reaching the Super Bowl twice under his tenure despite quite a few Conference Championship games, I have always thought him to be great at what he does. Sure there were quite a few big games where the other team's coach outclassed him in preparation and execution (New England in '05 comes to mind), but I'm sure any football fan would gladly endure all that heartbreak rather than look forward to that top draft pick year in and year out. I will add that I didn't like the fact he started Ben Roethlisberger in this season's Raiders contest after getting knocked out of a game the week before. Sure Roethlisberger play terrible and threw a few interceptions that were run back for touchdowns, but I didn't care about that; I was concerned for his health. That aside, I hope Cowher enjoys his time off. He's earned it. Oh, and from an August entry:
5:30 p.m.
• Just came back from the eye doctor, who dilated my pupils. Looking at the computer screen is ... interesting. Oh man, I am so on drugs right now. So what magazine was I looking at while in the waiting room? Highlights Magazine, baby. It's been years since I looked at a Goofus and Gallant cartoon. WTF happened? When I was a kid these cartoons had realistic drawings and funny escapades.
Now they're in color, look retarded and have stupid lines like. "Goofus slouches. Gallant sits up straight."
Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Goofus is cool.
8:30 a.m.
• Damn National Guard. Always getting in the way of migrant workers wanting to pick lettuce.
• And while I'm talking about south of the border.
Then at the end of the article I read this.
How about respecting that border thingy that separates the U.S. from your shithole of a country?
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 11: sfaJack
After you think about it for a while, you realize there’s nothing really spectacular about sfaJack. But that’s not a bad thing. We all can’t be part of a fraternity, get arrested on a frequent basis, molested by uncles or have indy fed wrestling experiences. There’s a large number of us that have insignificant, boring lives. But that’s OK. It’s people like us that make this country work. If it weren’t for saps like sfa and myself getting up for work, paying taxes and keeping this economy humming, then Pedro wouldn’t be sneaking across the southern border to pick lettuce and Mohammad wouldn’t be sneaking across the northern border to blow up a commerce center. I mean, Jesus, I can’t think of a single thing Jack has posted that warrants reflecting on. But that’s OK. It’s people like Jack that make up the “silent majority” which have helped keep the commie faggots from trying to socialize every part of our lives, and I don’t mean socialize in a Myspace sort of way. I’m sure after a short while of wedded bliss, sfaJill will squirt out a few kids, and Jack will continue punching that timecard until his timecard gets punched out by the man upstairs. But that’s OK. We’re all on the job for a limited time, and because I still can’t think of one worthwhile thing Jack has posted, I dedicate the following to my kkk Bowl participant that always hits the glass ceiling come playoff time:
Well I can stand beside
Ideals I think are right
And I can stand beside
The idea to stand and fight
I do believe
There's a dream for everyone
This is our country
Now I’m going to go and say
Some left-wing hippie shit
Because GM won’t bother to promote
This verse one little bit
George Soros is my hero
And Hitlery gets me hard
This is our country
From the east coast
To the west coast
Down the Dixie Highway
To the Great Society that got washed out
This is our country
Here’s another stanza
That will go unheard by Chevy
And now it’s time for my ideology
To get real hot and heavy
And I love Blacks and Gays and Latinos
As long as they don't move next door
This is our country
From the east coast
To the west coast
Down the Dixie Highway
To the Great Society that got washed out
This is our country
The dream is still alive
Some day it will come true
In 2008 it’s a real possibility
To folks like me and you
So take the underclass to the polls
And promise them free cheese
This is our country
From the east coast
To the west coast
Down the Dixie Highway
To the Great Society that got washed out
This is our country
And if you don't understand what you read above, then you don't read many of my posts do you, Abdul?
4:15 p.m.
• Damn you George W. Bush. Next time you try to destroy a city, you better do it right.
• Wow. JaMarcus Russell is a genius. Sign a big-ass contract and get out of playing with the Raiders for as long as possible. Good job.
• I'm curious to see what the bad-ass commish has in store for the spying Pats.
Hey, if you don't take surveillance on the opposition, the terrorist have already won.
• Ever have one of those days where you worked your ass off, looked back at quittin' time and thought, "What the hell did I just do for eight hours?"
10 p.m.
• This is why I didn't major in math.
9 p.m.
• The hell's wrong with people.
• So I guess the lesson here is if you bust black people breaking the law, you're a RACIST.
4:30 p.m.
• Gee, you can’t tell this dipshit used to be a high-ranking politician.
Jimmy Carter flexing his muscles. Weird.
• So I was listening to Mike and Mike this morning, and the skinny Jew was bitching about the MLB playoff games being on TBS because that means some kid whose family didn’t have cable couldn’t watch the games on television. That’s what a radio is for. Besides, I remember a few years ago there was bitching about the games being on too many stations – FX, some family channel, TBS (I think). So shut the fuck up already. Having today’s games on TBS is fine. And if some poor family can’t afford cable, they should be working more anyway. Poor people piss me off.
9:15 p.m.
• OK, it's a Friday night, and I haven't had to speak to anyone at work for several days. This means it's time for a kkk LOVE FEST! That's means I'm going to say some stuff that you might not normally expect to come out of my mouth, err, through my keyboard.
Topic 1:Democrats in Congress. That's right, you heard me. I feel for you people. Look, I hate most of you fuckers, and you cater to the lazy and stupid. However, even I have to feel for you on some level.
Jesus Christ, it's only been THREE MONTHS! And Congress didn't even get back into session until JANUARY. There's plenty of time between now and '08 for these pinko commie shitwads to implement their destructive schemes. Give them some time to decorate their offices first.
Topic 2: Miss America. I can't stand Nancy Pelosi. How that dumb bitch ever got into a position of power baffles me. In fact, it is downright frightening. But this latest flap about her wanting some hippie jet to shoot herself to and from her congressional district of homos, faggots and queers is a bit too much, even for me to swallow ... ew.
I heard some bitching on RIGHT-WING RADIO about how the previous Speaker of the House didn't use that big a jet to travel around. Then again, Dennis Hastert didn't have to fly from coast to coast. I haven't been paying attention to this story, but what if you need the bigger jet for a nonstop flight from DC to California? And if she wants to bring a few politicians from her state aboard, let her. That's just less fuel that will have to be used to fly those people back and forth as well. Now if Miss America starts ordering flights for people on this aircraft without her in it, then I'll raise an eyebrow, but for now just shutup about this. And don't go bitching that this is a waste of taxpayer dollars. Jesus Christ.
OK, that's enough of the kkk Friday night LIVE FEST. I'm getting the urge to take a shower now.
5:30 p.m.
• Everything's bigger in Texas, even the people.
• I stopped reading this article after its first two paragraphs. It can't possibly get any better.
11:30 a.m.
• So along with killing bugs yesterday something else monumental took place at the kkk household. The better half and I had to say goodbye to a longtime friend. This companion was with me during the times in my life when I needed assistance the most. Loved by my niece and nephew, he was always able to make them look forward to that day’s activity. And whenever we thought this mate was down and out, he would always surprise us with more get up and go. Who was this person? My crack-whore sister-in-law? A relative with Alzheimer’s? That crazy neighbor? Nope.
My 1988 Chevy Corsica.
Back in late 1999/early 2000 I was living in Sappy Valley and looking for a used car. The better half and I were using her red cavalier to get around, but I knew with an impending move on the horizon we needed two vehicles. I started looking in Auto Traders and other media outlets with no urgency. Then I got the call from my old man. “Do you want an ’88 Corsica?”
Hmm, I remember a few people from my past with Corsicas and they always seemed reliable. Sure, why not. I know jack shit about automobiles. At least this is better than picking out a vehicle because of its color. So I went back to the Shittsburgh area and got this vehicle for $1500. Go ahead and mock me for over-paying. I don’t know if I did or not. It was an older vehicle but had a bunch of stuff done to it. The guy who owned it got the car for his elderly mother and now she couldn’t drive it and he had no room at his place for another car. I guess I should have checked to see what nursing home he put his mom into, because if it was a rat’s den then maybe the brake-line should have been inspected prior to purchasing.
Eight months went by and this car was running with no problems. However, I wasn’t taking it on long trips. Just to work and back – all within a 10-minute drive or so from my second job. And before EricMM starts bitching about carbon footprints and all that shit, I used to walk from my one job because the busses didn’t start up that early. It took me more than an hour to walk home, and a bicycle wouldn’t help my impending move. Yes, I was moving from central Pennsylvania to southwestern Ohio. And on that August day I turned in my keys to my Jew-bastard apartment manager-ette, packed the car to the gills with my stuff and headed off to glorious Middletown. During this eight-hour trek I kept thinking to myself “Don’t break down. For the love of God, don’t break down.” And while there were a few times during some steep inclines I got antsy, the Corsica came through.
After I reached Ohio, I was always expecting this car to die, especially when I would make 50-mile round-trips to and from work. Oddly enough, the car not only ran but it ran rather well. Sure it didn’t have the fancy gadgets all the newer models had, but I am NOT a car person. As long as it gets me from Point A to Point B I’m happy. And year in and year out it did just that. OK, so it needed a rebuilt transmission, but whatever. It was old. If you would say to me that you get a 12-year-old car, drive it for 8 years and only have to rebuild the transmission, I’d say that’s a good deal.
Three years have passed and Mrs. kkk and I were getting ready to drive back to Pennsylvania. Once again, we didn’t think this car had it in him for a similar packed-to-the-gills run across state lines, especially since I never bothered to get an Ohio license plate and updated commie emissions tags. (I avoided the law for three years with Pennsylvania plates and a Temporary registration sticker.) But we were proven wrong for a second time. Now in Pennsylvania we thought for sure this relic would finally call it a day, especially since we never really bothered to maintain the upkeep. But once again we were proven wrong. Sure this automobile could no longer make the everyday work commute through rush-hour traffic, but we didn’t ask him to do that. Need to go to the local grocery store for a gallon of milk? He was there. Have the urge to do some Christmas shopping but the better half has the other car? He was there. Desire the pleasures of some ladies of the evening by making a stop to a Shittsburgh street corner? Hell no. I wasn’t getting no jammy juice on the red velvet interior.
Fast forward to the Summer of 2006. Mrs. kkk was in-between jobs and spent the summer working at a local pizza place and babysitting her niece and nephew. Who was there every morning when she had to arrive at her brother’s house at 6 a.m.? Who was there when it was time to take the kids to their dozen-plus summer activities? Who was there to navigate those crater-filled backroads? You guessed it. Not the 2004 Blue Caviler. That was taking me to my job. But instead, as my nephew-in-law dubbed him, Crappy the White Car.
Why was my Corsica called Crappy the White Car by a kid who will probably make more as a college intern than I do right now? Because while Crappy could still get you from Point A to Point B he had some … issues. First off, the passenger-side door couldn’t open. That was the case for years. I didn’t care. Hey, I figured if someone wanted to carjack me I had a 1 in 4 chance of getting away right off the bat. Then there was the horn issue. One day I was using Crappy for a trek in Shittsburgh due to a work-related issue and the Caviler was already in use. I knew this would be a risk, considering I it was mid-morning and I knew traffic would be stop-and-go. I was right, especially since every other business in Oakland had its vending deliver trucks clogging up the right-hand lanes. Crappy didn’t take too kindly to this and after about 40 minutes of this I was got pissed and hit the steering wheel. This in turn caused the horn to blare nonstop. For several blocks. God only knows what the poor female motorist in front of me was thinking. I tried to let her know that I wasn’t honking at her, rather Crappy was just going off on his own. But I think I did more harm than good because when observed from a distance I think my body language looked more like limbs flailing about in rage. How did I solve the case of the blaring horn? I grabbed the horn panel and yanked something out of place. I thought that would work and it did. For about two miles. Then it started again and I yanked something else. That was that. Or so I thought.
Fast forward to Mrs. kkk’s stint as Aunt Nanny. On one of her trips with the kids to summer camp I guess the horn went off on its own, much to the delight of the niece and nephew, who found the whole thing funny as hell. Couple this with all the amenities of stalling out, no heat or air conditioning, a clock radio that we couldn’t properly set, speakers that were blown out and bellowed out more static than music, peeling paint from all sides, missing knobs, a cracked dashboard from another time I made a this-car-will-overheat-because-of-this-goddamn-traffic back in 2002 (man I-75 was a bitch; thank God I found that back road route to work in Ohio), a crack in the windshield that was there when I first bought Crappy and a gas cap that was hanging on by a thread and you have in the eyes of a 9-year-old the coolest car on the planet. These two kids, particularly the nephew, were OBSESSED with this car. They actually preferred riding in Crappy than our ’04 Caviler or any of the trucks/vans their parents owned. Even earlier this year when the better half was picking the kids up for some function she was asked if they were going to be “riding in style,” a question that was often asked by my nephew whenever he learned Aunt kkk would be driving them somewhere. The nephew even wrote book about his experience during that summer with Crappy the White Car. (Don’t laugh. This 9-year-old was the only one among us who knew how to fix the time on the clock radio. For almost 5 years Crappy was 40 minutes off in time – 1 hours and 40 minutes when clocks had to be adjusted.)
But all things don’t last. After this past winter Crappy decided enough was enough and decided to call it a day. We think it’s the starter but frankly it just doesn’t matter at this point. For months he had been taking up space in the garage until one of us finally got the desire to call one of those tow-away-for-charity organizations. And yesterday that big flatbed in the sky took Crappy away for good.
Crappy the White Car (1988-2008)
The garage just won’t look the same. … Oh who the hell am I kidding? Now until we get a second car, which won’t be until this ’04 Caviler becomes the New Crappy, we won’t need to scrape ice off the windows every winter. But couldn’t the garage be spinning just a little bit? Maybe. But that could be because of the exhaust Crappy would always spew out.
• Now there’s video showing that George W. Bush knew about Hurricane Katrina and the damage it could cause before it touched land. H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T. So I wasn’t the only one who woke up the day Katrina hit and went “What’s up with all these black people standing on roofs?”
• I’ve always said people with advanced degrees are some of the biggest dipshits out there. My theory is that the more “knowledge” you acquire, the less “common sense” you keep. Now my theory is proven, what with this U-C Irvine psychiatrist alleging to have lost $1.3 million in one of those hundreds of Internet scams where a person from some noble family from a third-world country has millions stashed away in some account they can’t access and need your $1,000 or so to have the necessary paperwork done in order to get a hold of that money (I may not be accurate in how this works, considering I only read the first several words to these messages).
• Well, we can at least take some solace in knowing that whenever Mexicans cross the boarder illegally, they will get fat, lazy and unhealthy like the rest of us.
• Anyone remember that shooting at a Shittsburgh movie theater during 50 Cent most recent movie? Well, the same theater is at it again. Last night, during a screening of the Steelers Super Bowl DVD, someone called the cinema and gave a bomb threat. Thank God I live outside the city limits.
• Am I the only one who doesn’t care about that Autistic kid who nailed a bunch of three-point shots in a basketball game? I mean, good for him and all, but from what I saw, it wasn’t like this kid had anyone playing tough “d” on him. Yes, I know I’m going to hell.
• Speaking of “special children,” it is stories like this that show why I don’t go to the movies anymore. I don’t blame the theater for doing what they did (although a refund should have been given, imo) because what are they supposed to do? If you want to bitch about something, bitch about the people who complained about the kid. If the theater management would have said to the people complaining, “What’s the big deal – it’s just a kid laughing,” these patrons would have probably then bitched to the theater’s upper management, and believe me, district managers of theaters (or any other business with a lot of low-paying, entry-level jobs) don’t want to hear from whiny customers, no matter how stupid their complaints might be. In just about every job I have worked where a district manager was involved in our store’s chain of command, never once did I hear these people defend us over a stupid customer. In fact, being an asshole is what gets these people their jobs. One of my favorite district manager stories involved my time at Burger King.
The name of our store’s District Manager was Barry, and he was an asshole. One night when we were busy, I was in charge of the “specialty station.” This means I was in charge of fries, onion rings, chicken and fish; the shittiest station to work if you are employed by the King. Anyway, I had just put down a basket of onion rings, and they went on top of TWO onion rings that had been laying there for about two minutes (It takes 80 seconds to fry the onion rings, and I had been steadily dropping baskets of these things). Anyway, Barry then looks at me and says, “Rotate your onion rings.” I told him to fuck off. Thankfully, three baskets of fries had just been ready for consumption and their ringers went off, meaning I got away with one.
However, I didn’t get away with this. I worked with a midget who was a worthless piece of shit. Whenever there was work to be done, she would scamper off and hide, which wasn’t hard for her to do considering we always had a lot of empty boxes in the back room. Well, whenever she pissed me off, which was often, I would retaliate by putting the sandwiches I made near the top of the “burger chute,” where she couldn’t reach them. Have I said already that I’m going to hell? Well, for one supply order we were given these hippie burger wrappers that had zero traction, meaning they wouldn’t slide down the burger chute. One night when I was the only person making food this midget screamed at me and started to cry because I wasn’t sliding the food down all the way. Bitch, I COULDN’T. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Go around the counter and personally hand everybody their sandwich? Well a day or so later asshole Barry came up to me and barked, “kkk, I hear you’ve been picking on Lisa.” Not knowing what he was talking about, I replied, “Huh?” Wanting to get both sides of the story, this dickhead then said, “You know what I’m talking about. Don’t do it again or else.” After asking my one manager what just happened, and then being told of the great burger chute controversy from the previous night, I realized that asshole district manager was half the man I was.
And the midget was one-third the worker I was, literally and figuratively.
8 p.m.
• As if Pfizer isn't having enough troubles right now, some AIDS group is mad that people are actually having sex after taking Viagra.
What next -- suing gun makers because people commit crimes with firearms? Wait a second...
• Woah, there was a dinosaur that had wings like a biplane? Cool. Pooh on the haters, I've been into dinosaurs since I was a kid. Ceratopsian represent.
7 a.m.
• Oh Jesus it's already started. Once the Bears punched their ticket to the Super Bowl, the "OMG FIRST BLACK HEAD COACH IN SUPER BOWL HISTORY~!!!!" talk began. Now with the Colts in as well, I don't think I can handle TWO WEEKS of this.
• And speaking of black coaches, I'm hearing that the Steelers hired a black guy.
Oh this should be fun. I hope the guy does well, but if he struggles in his first few season, the fan reaction should be ... interesting. Personally, I don't care what color a head coach is; give me people who are new to the head coaching world and let them inject new ideas into the NFL. I'm also curious to see what happens to Russ Grimm, a Steelers assistant who was reported by the Shittsburgh Tribune-Review to have gotten the job in Sunday's edition.
• I love this quote from a Patriots player after yesterday's game:
7:45 p.m.
• There is justice in the world.
I consider myself to be a don’t-do-the-crime-if-you-can’t-do-the-time type of person, but with all the shit that has gone down over the past year for these people the least Duke can do is let them re-do a season. Then again, after how the Duke team got thrown under the bus, I’m surprised anyone from that team is still around at that university.
• Best Buy employees, be on alert. There will be retaliation from the reds.
• Awesome. So the U.S. is spreading cancer to Asia. And who says we don’t export anything over there?
• I guess not everybody learned the lesson the XFL provided us earlier this decade.
8:45 a.m.
• And here I thought Anakin's problem was being p-whipped.
8 p.m.
• This was an article about how we pamper out pets. It’s a long read, so I’m just highlighting all the things I admit to doing. Because I get a limited number of “quote” uses per entry, the article snippets will be in boldface.
Some 56 percent of dog owners and 42 percent of cat owners buy their pets Christmas presents.
*Raises hand.*
I should note that I don’t actually buy the toys, Mrs. kkk does. But I’ll cop to it anyway.
]Pets can listen to their own Internet radio station (Elvis Presley’s “Hound Dog” is one of the more popular songs on DogCatRadio.com), post their pictures and make play dates on dogster.com and catster.com, and earn frequent flier miles on United. They even have cell phones now: PetsCell is a bone-shaped telephone that attaches to your dog’s collar and allows you to ring him up (sorry, incoming calls only). And there’s a new beer for dogs (from Amsterdam, no less), called Kwispelbier, which is Dutch for “waggy tail” brew.
OK, so all I do is post pics of the kids on-line. None of that other stuff.
The recent scare over tainted pet food has made feeding your animal a pricey proposition: I’ve switched Samantha to “holistic” kibble and wet food, hormone-free chicken strips and handmade cookies from a local dog bakery, along with the occasional whole-roasted chicken that we share for dinner.
Well, my three have special food, but Max needs his diet because of urinary problems. The other two get better food than Meow Mix and Friskies, but because this stuff has less filler they don’t eat as much, so I’m sure costs get evened out in the end.
But is all this coddling for our pets, or is it for us? A growing number of animal behaviorists, researchers and trainers think we’ve gone off the deep end, anthropomorphizing and infantilizing our pets to the point that we’ve forgotten an essential biological truth: at the level of basic instinct, Tabby is a wildcat and Fido is a wolf.
Yeah, look at these two.
Wildcats indeed (although I’m sure Dessa wouldn’t mind killing a bird. She’s lunged at a few before when out on the porch.)
Understand this, the experts say, and you will comprehend such mysteries of the universe as why your cat prefers to sharpen its nails on your favorite sofa and your dog insists on rolling in manure after getting a bath. Ignore the call of the wild in your pet, and you not only diminish the quality of its life; you open yourself to all sorts of bad behavior, from the merely annoying (your cat pees on the bed) to the potentially deadly (snarling pit bulls).
Well no shit. I hate people who bitch about their cats scratching furniture. What do you want them to do? Our two couches have been ruined for years. Big deal. That’s what happens when you own cats. Christ, if your kid runs around the house and knock something over you don’t break his legs. If your niece picks up something she shouldn’t have and drops it, you don’t chop off her fingertips. Why should animals be any different?
When it comes to the animals that share our homes and even our beds (63 percent of cat owners and 42 percent of dog owners sleep with their pets, according to the APPMA), we humans tend to have a tough time accepting biological reality.
Our cats, particularly Dessa, sleep with us, but I think she does it to stay away from the other two in the house. Its not like we call her – she just hops up, makes a nest and lays down.
Much of what we consider “bad” behavior is merely a pet’s acting out its basic needs. “People see the cat scratching on their beautiful couch, and they don’t want me to tell them it’s a normal behavior,” says feline behavior consultant Pam Johnson-Bennett, author of the book “Hiss and Tell: True Stories from the Files of a Cat Shrink.” “But you have to realize that scratching is a need a cat has. It’s rooted in their survival.” The trick, then, isn’t to get the cat to stop scratching, but to make it scratch something you don’t value. Johnson-Bennett suggests a scratching post wrapped with sisal or rope—she says the carpeted kind don’t allow the cat to dig its nails in deep enough to be satisfying. She’s also big on “cat trees”: a series of perches that allow felines to climb and leap as they would in the wild.
Doesn’t work. Buy them a $100+ play set to climb on and they’ll sit in the box it came in for weeks on end, not even acknowledging the feline jungle gym in the corner of the room. Years ago the better half built one of these godawful concoctions and NOBODY got near it. That was until we tore it down and suddenly the broken-down pieces became instant hits, much to Mrs. kkk’s chagrin.
Indeed, veterinarians say obesity is the greatest health threat facing America’s pets, with at least a quarter of the population overweight (that compares with a 30 percent obesity rate in American adults). Most pet owners don’t realize that when a pet is the correct weight, you can feel the outline of its ribs. “We’re so used to seeing overweight cats that when we see a healthy one, we think it’s too skinny.”
Eh, my opinion is there are enough starving kitties out there. If my three have a few pleasure pounds, I don’t really care. That’s why they get the special diet.
What can’t be bred out of dogs is the trait that makes them bond so well with humans: the pack instinct. What we call “loyalty” in our dogs may actually be a result of the wolf’s nature as a pack animal: the bonding and sociality that keep a wolf pack together are what drive the domesticated dog to stick with its owner. “The family unit here just happens to be cross-species,” says Samuel Gosling, a psychologist at University of Texas, Austin, who specializes in canine research. The fact that wolves are pack animals and wildcats aren’t may help explain why we perceive dogs as loving and needy, and cats as independent and aloof.
Interesting. I didn’t think about that.
7:30 p.m.
• Fucking asshole.
Whoever pulled that shit should be rounded up and beat to death. I take the Fort Pitt tunnels to and from work, and I also go through the Squirrel Hill tunnels if I'm not picking up the better half from her job. I leave at 3 p.m. so I missed all this action (or lack of action due to the tunnel closings). I can't imagine what the back-ups must have been like.
12 p.m.
• No wonder the Left loves Hugo Chavez. (LOL regarding the Carter Center.)
Once Hitlerly gets elected President, along with a Democrat Congress and Senate, in '08, say goodbye to RIGHT-WING RADIO!
9 p.m.
• Well, so much for the "fire Ozzie" talk I have heard in the sports media.
I bet "Around the Horn" panelist Jay Mariotti loves this news. I bet he loves this web site even more. Wow. I mean, I goof on Racist Dusty, among others. But I haven't devoted a web site to these people. At least not yet.
7:45 p.m.
• So now there's some talk in the media about MTV losing it's appeal.
I can tell you the exact time when I said "fuck MTV." It was during a video awards show in the 1990s. The Beastie Boys'
was nominated for video of the year. What won instead? Aerosmith's
Seriously, WTF? I guess it could have been worse. That piece of shit "Everybody Hurts" could have won instead. I have nothing bad to say about "Heart-Shaped Box." I was indifferent to Nirvana back then, but I'll listen to them every once in a while today.
2:30 p.m.
• Today truly is a somber day for America. Collectively, we must all bow our heads in sorrow and never forget the evil that was unexpectedly thrust upon us.
But enough talking about the final season of “Charmed,” which get released on DVD today, and that godawful Billie character the writers created. A national tragedy indeed.
9:30 p.m.
• So last week the better half and I were watching this 100 Greatest Rap Songs of ALL TIME, or something like that. (I think there’s a TSM thread about this.) I have no idea why we were watching this. I had it on because it was late and I was curious to see if there were any “Where are they now?” features to the hip-hoppers I grew up listening. Mrs. kkk was watching just to laugh at the names (bitch got a slap for dissing my “Q-Tip” from A Tribe Called Quest). It was down to the last two songs and she asked me what I thought they would be. I said “Rappers Delight” should be number two and “The Message” should be number one. I was right on “Rappers Delight.” This is my all-time favorite song of any genre, and I’m talking about the 15-minute version – not the hippie 4-minute radio/video friendly airing.
Part I
Part II
I knew “The Message” wasn’t going to finish first because it was already mentioned, so the better half asked my thoughts on Number One. I actually pondered this during the commercials and said the following: “It will probably be something political and overrated – 'Fight the Power' by Public Enemy."
I was right.
Look, I like “It Takes a Nation of Millions” and “Fear of a Black Planet,” but “Fight the Power” is NOT the top hip-hop song of ALL-TIME. Put it at Number Three, but “Rapper’s Delight” and “The Message” are in a league of their own.
Speaking of “Rapper’s Delight” I have a childhood trama story regarding this tune. Back in its heyday, this song was often played by my two half-brothers. This of course got me listening to it on a frequent basis. For some reason, as a kid my favorite part of this epic was the verse that starts out, “Have you ever gone over to a friend’s house to eat and the food just ain’t no good?” I memorized this verse and suddenly this talent of mine to recite this urban poem of unacceptable dinner cuisine was something I was called on to perform whenever the old man was talking with one of his friends/acquaintances. Here is how most of these recitals began:
“Son, sing the ‘Cheese Song’.” (See the bolded text below for why it was the “Cheese Song.”)
“I don’t want to.”
“SING THE GODDAMN SONG~!
”Have you ever have you ever went over a friend’s house to eat and the food just aint no good? I mean the macaroni's soggy the peas are mushed and the chicken tastes like wood. So you try to play it off like you think you can by saying that you’re full. And then your friend says momma he's just being polite he ain’t finished uh uh that's bull. And so your heart starts pumping and you think of a lie and you say that you already ate. And your friend says man there's plenty of food so you pile some more on your plate. While the stinky foods steaming your mind starts to dreaming of the moment that it's time to leave. And then you look at your plate and your chicken’s slowly rotting into something that looks like cheese. So you say that's it I got to leave this place I don’t care what these people think. I’m just sitting here making myself nauseous with this ugly food that stinks. So you bust out the door while its still closed still sick from the food you ate. And then you run to the store for quick relief from a bottle of Kaopectate. And then you call your friend two weeks later to see how he has been. And he says I understand about the food baby bubbah but we're still friends.”
Even with these childhood memories, this is one AWESOME SONG. In fact, now that I’m older, there’s another verse that I prefer over the “cheese” verse.
I think the best part about this verse is about not letting Sucka MCs stealing rhymes when that’s just what the verse-teller actually did.
Believe it or not, I try to be an understanding person. However, even I have my limits.
At my workplace, I am our organization’s web master, which is a scary thought considering I don’t know what the hell I’m doing half the time. Actually, it’s not that bad, but I am by no means an expert on this Internet thing. I can build a Web site in Dreamweaver, but don’t tell me I need to write HTML code or else I’ll sit in the corner and suck on my thumb while holding my security blanket with the other hand.
About a month ago I got a letter from Verizon DSL saying that they were, “Migrating your web site to an improved hosting platform provided by Verizon SUPERPAGES.com,” beginning February 17. Your means of accessing your web site and email account will change.” Later on in the letter, they said, “You will receive two e-mails immediately after the migration.”
Well, I have been keeping an eye out for any Verizon e-mail notices up until February 17, not wanting to miss out on any important updates. So far nothing. On February 17 I was checking my inbox and junk mail folder thinking maybe a Verizon e-mail ended up there by mistake. Still nothing. (Although e-mails about enlarging my penis constantly get through to my inbox, I’ve noticed that other messages that have actual relevance in my life don’t make the cut. Then again, adding a few inches onto little kkk can’t hurt.)
I had to leave at 2:30 p.m. Friday, February 17 for an appointment. (My work schedule is 6:30 a.m.-3 p.m.) When I came back Tuesday (I had Presidents Day off), I found that I couldn’t access my e-mail, and neither could any of my co-workers. I called Verizon, and they said they don’t deal with e-mail/Internet matters anymore, that I would have to call the SUPERPAGES department. I called the SUPERPAGES people up and they said that they migrated all of our e-mail/Web site stuff, and that they sent an e-mail letting me know of the new password I was supposed to use to get into my e-mail account. The problem though was that this e-mail message letting me know of my password was in my e-mail bin that I couldn’t get into because I NEEDED TO KNOW THE NEW PASSWORD. After telling the tech guy this, he gave me the password and I got into my new and improved SUPERPAGES account. I noticed that they sent this goddamn message at 2:50 p.m. on a Friday afternoon right before what was to be a three-day weekend for many employees. You’re supposed to fire people at the end of a workweek, not give them technical information that won’t be accessible in another day or two.
So after spending the early part of the week getting everybody’s e-mail accounts up and running again (as well as putting together the final touches of the monthly publication I mail out at about this time every month), I then went to the Web site and discovered everything that was password-protected is now free as a bird. Yippie. I then realized that I had to re-register the 200+ names that were granted access to various sections of the site. Now, for the trifecta, I discovered that the cgi bins needed re-done I know some of you reading this are computer geeks and took cgi bin/form creating as a remedial elective in school, but you’ll have better luck teaching a retard to swim by throwing him in the deep end of a pool than telling me over the phone that certain codes need changed from original IP addresses to new IP addresses, among other things.
I’m not going to rag on the customer support people because they’ve been great, especially this one chick I’m talking to now who has had to put me on hold several times already because I don’t think she knows what she’s doing (which makes two of us for that matter). I’d rather interact with someone like this than some techie asshole that can’t believe I don’t know HTML as a second language. Besides, this is giving me ample time to talk to all you hippies instead of getting any real work done at my job.
I also don't want to rag on this new SUPERPAGES thing, because from what I have checked out, there seems to be some neat stuff I can perform that I couldn't with the previous Verizon Web account. It's just that couldn't these people have notified me of these changes when I wasn't home for the weekend?
11:45 p.m.
• So MSNBC had “To Catch a Predator: Greatest Hits” or something like that. After watching this hour-long laughfest, I have conclude that this world is made up of some crazy-ass people. My favorite was the guy who showed up to the sting house, stripped naked and began wanking in the kitchen before the show’s host came out to greet him. The next day this perv arranged another “date,” this time at a McDonald’s, thinking he was going to provide a happy meal for some 13-year-old boy. Busted again. But that’s not the best part. At the show’s end, when they were telling us the years in jail all these predators received, the guy mentioned above was only sentenced to two years – the least out of all of them, except for the guy who is still at-large. Did I say two years? I mean NONE, because the red diaper doper baby judge suspended his sentence. WTF? He was ON VIDEO at a house where he thought he was going to get some under-age anal and was MASTERBATING in anticipation. While these shows are funny as hell, what’s scary is when you realize that there are a shit-load of these encounters that go on everyday.
7:45 p.m.
• I think I just found my new “White Rapper” show. I was flipping through channels today and watched some of that “Charm School” program where the “Flavor of Love” rejects learn to be more lady-like. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then consider yourself lucky. Good God. There were many things to laugh at, but what got me was the $50,000 grand prize and how several of these women thought this would be the end-all to their current financial woes. Um, it’s only $50,000 – and that’s before taxes. You’re not going to retire because of this. At least I now know who that chick was in those “I Love New York” episodes. No, I didn’t watch ANY of those. What is up with rejected chicks on these “Bachelor-like” shows getting their own “elimin-date” programs? Talk about sloppy seconds.
• If you don't think you're shooting at blacks, then terrorists have already won.
• The hell?
So what about the billions upon billions of unbaptized babies who have already died? What exactly happens to them – do they get recalled or something? And to think there are people sitting in a room actually discussing this stuff.
8:15 a.m.
• I’ve been meaning to tell this story for about a week but haven’t been motivated enough until now. While at the Chinese buffet last week, there were some people sitting next to us before the “shoe” family paid us a visit. There were two guys and one was bitching to the other about how in California cops will go into a bar’s parking lot and mark up a car’s tire. This acts like a time stamp, so the officers will know how long that car has been parked there. If a person leaves in a car that’s been there for several hours they will pull them over for a DUI test or something. This genius then said, “They can’t do that – that’s ENTRAPMENT.” Now regardless of your opinion of this police procedure, this is not “entrapment.” But wait, I’m not a lawyer. Could I be wrong? I took this case over to our newly bar-accepted ambulance chaser Vyce and asked for his opinion. This is what he said:
Now I also mentioned to the better half my example of how the above-mentioned police tactics could have a case of being entrapment, which was if the cops opened up a bar/drink stand offering free drinks for six hours. When the people drink up and drive off other cops stationed nearby who have been watching the whole thing pull them over. Was my spur-of-the-moment exaample a case of entrapment due to "police" offering "free" drinks? Here's what Vyce said.
I got into an argument with my co-worker over this because he felt this was wrong for the police to do. Personally, I don’t’ care. My co-worker said, “Well, what if they pull someone over who was working or wasn’t drinking?” My response: “Then all they have to do is walk a straight line.” I guess I’m nothing more than a goose-stepping pawn of the State, but I’m actually glad cops do this. I got pulled over one time when I was in high school, and the police thought I might have been drinking. I took a turn wide and went through a stop sign I didn’t see due to driving in an unfamiliar area. I also had several passengers with me, so I’m sure the po-pos were thinking we had just come from a party or something. They had me do the nose-touching thing and the walk-straight thing. I was cooperative and that was the end of it. Yeah, I got a ticket, but I didn’t fight it, even though I might have had a case. The reason? I still had my junior license, which prohibits anyone under the age of 18 from driving past midnight, and it was well into the witching hour when I got pulled over. I just paid the $90 and went on with life.
9 a.m.
• So yesterday I had to go to this wedding reception for some chick whose the daughter of some uncle-in-law that I have only seen once in my life. There goes my Saturday night. Whatever, like I was going to do anything in the first place. Here’s one thing I noticed. All the young, single people who are probably in the courting stages of their relationships were all dressed up – especially the women of the group. However, the older couples who have been together for a while were MUCH less dressy. Sadly, I fell into the latter category. I wasn’t wearing jeans, but there’s no way I’m wearing a suit and tie at the local fire hall. Oh, here’s another observation. When the bride and groom were doing their first dance, all the bridesmaids were looking intently with sobbing eyes. The groomsmen? They were just standing in the corner drinking beer and talking to each other totally not paying attention to this moment. That just about sums a lot of things regarding the difference between men and women, doesn’t it?
Thankfully, everyone was getting drunk so Mrs. kkk wanted to leave early. She said everyone was acting abnoxious. I didn't notice, but whatever.
• I listen to Glenn Beck’s radio show every now and then from 10-11:30 a.m. in my market (about 2-3 times per week at the most). I guess I have to be in a certain mood for him; God knows what that mood is, though. Every Friday during the NFL season his show spends an hour doing this gimmick called “Moron Trivia.” What they do take a football game scheduled for that week (today it was Seattle at St. Louis), call several convenience store workers from both cities and ask them some current events questions. Whichever city gets the most correct answers from their clerks “wins” the contest, and more times than not what city’s team ends up winning the game. Basically, this is like those Jaywalking segments on “The Tonight Show” or that “Street Smarts” program. Did I mention that I hate these shows? Whenever these “let’s ask stupid people questions so we can all laugh at them” skits sprout up, I generally go “eh” and change the television channel or radio station. For some reason I was listening to “Moron Trivia” today, and one of the questions he asked these Quickie-Mart workers depressed me for some reason. The question was, “The stock market recently a) hit a record high, b) hit a record low, c) is another example of failure by the Bush administration or d) [something about John Kerry – I can’t remember what it was]. The convenience store clerks guessed that the stock market hit a record low. Now do you see why I don’t mind it when the mindless masses don’t bother voting? Seeing how most of these places have several newspapers that get stocked on a daily basis, I find it laughable that these people don’t even bother to read these publications; lord knows I did during my tenure at this job. (The other “Moron Trivia” questions for this segment was “What number month is October?” “North Korea recently launched what?” and “Who is Corey Lidle?”)
• Speaking of Corey Lidle, I got sick of hearing how he crashed his plane into a New York City building five minutes after hearing this story when it first broke. Yeah, it’s a shame and all that shit, but who gives a fuck if he played professional baseball? I guess if Joe Smith, an architect who recreationally flew planes, smashed into a building it wouldn't have been as big a deal. Talk about East Coast bias.
• Then again, maybe this is George Steinbrenner’s new way of dumping salary.
• Thanks to the mainstreamliberalpress, we are seeing Republicans get hammered for hitting on pages, accepting bribes and other types of bad stuff. Well, Medium-Large Media, where’s your outrage over this? We can’t have 61-year old men beating up people who oppose the grizzly practice of murdering the unborn and are, uh, dressed in cockroach costumes while at the ... Kansas State Fair. Man is election night going to suck this year.
• So Kathie Gifford is going to play Miss Hannigan in some hippie “Annie” musical. I’m sure there’s a sweatshop joke to be made somewhere in there, but it’s a Friday and I’m running on fumes.
• While kids in urban areas have to deal with drive-bys and life in the ghetto, their more rural counterparts have to deal with haircut rage. Uh, OK. How about if someone pisses you off you just stab them with the scissors instead of trying to take a little bit off the top?
• Wow. There are a bunch of gems in the latest batch of “odd” stories pile tonight. Last one, I promise. Although I have done a number of things to a customer's order during my days in the food-service industry, I have never peed in someone's soft drink. Now doing such a thing while off the clock? Well, um, I just hope the statue of limitations for that sort of thing has a short shelf life.
11:15 p.m.
• So I just spent the last 11 hours finishing up the monthly publication that I’m responsible for producing. There’s no way I’m looking at a computer screen anymore tonight.
• Good.
Fuck him. Nothing else needs to be said on this matter, other than I can’t wait for the students to start suing him. That’ll be a sight to see.
12:30 a.m.
• So here’s an update on the “Aussie Prince.” For those that don’t know, here’s a recap.
Well, today I found out that this couple isn’t divorced, but they are no longer living together. Oh, yeah. The Aussie Prince told the not-quite-ex-wife that he now has a “great job,” bought a new car and moved into a house. All within a month. Boy, that bitch was sure holding him back.
• OK, now this is scary. From Dave Ramesy’s Web page that features testimonials from people who made stupid decisions with their money:
I’m 31 and this person who is just three years older than me has a 14-year old? Now granted that means this chick squirted out the kid when she was 20, but still. Makes me glad I’m not responsible for another life, outside of the better half and three cats.
7:30 p.m.
• I don't know how Smues can do it -- I'm already sick of the snow and it hasn't really been all that bad a season (so far).
• Bad break for the Rockets. I've always liked Yao and T-Mac -- even though neither can get out of the first round of the playoffs.
• I have no clue who any of these people are, but Mark Madden said on his radio show today that he didn't like the trades. He follows this stuff much more than I do. All I have to say is that it feels weird for a Pittsburgh team to be active at the trade deadline trying to get talent for the here and now rather than dumping payroll and snagging "prospects."
• Now I really don't care for the Black Crowes, but shouldn't you at least listen to a band's entire album before giving a review?
I remember years ago a local film critic panned Halloween H2O but gave an inaccurate body count because he showed up to the film late. SPOILERZ~! Myers offed a couple kids in the early minutes and the critic made some remark about how so few people died and counted two less dead than there actually was (or whatever the miscount turned out to be). SPOILERZ~! That's all I got for this.
• Well now the media can settle down with their “OMG REGGIE BUSH MAY SIT OUT THE ENTIRE YEAR” hysteria. The guy signed on the dotted line with the New Orleans Saints and is supposed to report to training camp today. I can’t stand the “Will this rookie holdout sit the entire season?” stories that usually spring up about this time every year. What made this season's batch especially annoying was that Bush is supposed to put the city of New Orleans on his back and bring this place back to prominence, or at least back to having college white girls take their shirts off in exchange for some beads. What really pissed me off was the notion that Bush “promised” to sign a contract early and then didn’t. For a football player, who may be one play away from a career-ending injury, I don’t blame these people one bit for trying to get as much money as they can. The only thing I disagreed with Bush on in this situation was the “I should be paid like I was the overall top pick” talk. You weren’t drafted first – get over it. Otherwise, I say get your money now, put your financial house in order, and then concentrate on your craft.
• I was watching the Sports Reporters this morning and Mitch Album talked about this judge who ruled pat-downs at football games unconstitutional. He was right. Holy shit is this Gordon Johnston a fucking douche, and what a shock, the Atheists and Criminals/Communists Love Us organization helped him in this lawsuit:.
Hey bitch boy, you’re not getting stripped searched. You’re not having your anus probed in search of weapons of mass destruction. You’re getting a pat-down before entering a stadium filled with more than 50,000 other football fans. Get over it you bitch-ass faggot. I loved his last line about in the “absence of a specific threat or suspicion of those being searched universal pat-downs are too broad a response." So you want only to pat-down people who look suspicious -- well who are you going to deem worth of such suspicion? I bet the instant anyone gets a “suspected” pat-down you’ll come down from your ivory tower, U.S. Constitution in hand, and then get the ACLU to sue on behalf of Adbul because his pat-down was RACIST. And of course should a hidden bomb explode at a Bucs home game, Johnston will probably be one of the first armchair quarterbacks bitching about how stadium security didn’t do everything they could to prevent the blast from happening. I have to wonder if the government school Gordon teaches at has any metal detectors/search procedures. Hopefully this school does, and another commie judge rules these search methods unconstitutional, only then to have a student put a few bullets into Johnston’s skull, further turning his brain into mush.
9:45 p.m.
• Well, today was “mow the lawn” day. It stopped being humid and I decided to take advantage of the situation. This was also the first time all year I bothered to crank up the ol’ BBQ. Holy fuck do my grills need cleaning. I know all that gunk makes the food more flavorful, but these things resemble stalactites more than ashy flavor-enhancers. Wait a minute: Is stalactites the ones that hang from the top of something, or is that stalagmites? Whatever, you get the idea.
• Hey, another story about how the South has the most fat people.
But this is what made me laugh.
What the fuck – Obesity policies? How exactly is there a “policy” for obesity? And all this time I thought it was people’s choices that made them fat. You know, the bad food, the laziness, the bad food. Can’t wait to see how Big Brother will try to make us all a little smaller. What they ought to do is treat fatties more like smokers and jack up premiums for those that break a sweat waddling to the nearby refrigerator for a between-commercials snack. Don’t like it? Then get on a treadmill.
2 p.m.
• Oh dear God. (Here's the
Sad thing if she went straight from high school into the workforce she'd make more as some exec's eye candy than I do at my job. Actually, she's probably a very smart girl. I think there's a good chance she got spooked for being in front of a national television audience and I think we're all being a bit mean to her. Why am I defending her? I heard she was 18 and figured I might have a chance to get this ditz on her knees, or better yet on all fours, and not get arrested. Because I'm sensitive like that.
• Sure I could talk about the Vick case, but why bother when you have this?
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This chick called in to complain about her lesser half’s small business, which doesn’t make any profit. The “nursery” brings in just enough money to keep the business running – that’s it. When asked what this man did before to support himself, the caller’s response was “he lives with his mother.” And that’s where this couple is living at this moment.
