One of the time-honored traditions of message boards includes the "Hey, look at this questionnaire I found. Let's have everybody at this place take it and see what their results are," thread. Over the years, one of the more popular features at TSM has been to get on the "Political Compass" and find out who are some of the bigger commies at this place (although we already know most of them anyway). However, I noticed that whenever I took this test, I always came back with a different score. One time I was a -.25 Economic Left/Right -1.13 Auth/Libertarian; in another instance I had a different result: 2.75, 0.36. Now I will take this test again, but instead of just posting the result, I'll also include my answers just to see why I'm the adorable right-wing fascist you all have come to know and love (or at least know). One disclaimer I should make about these kinds of surveys is that I very rarely select the "always" or "never" options since these choices come with that sense of finality. Well, without further ado, here we go:
PART I:
Disagree.
All that “humanity” bullshit is nothing more than "progressive" psychobabble, and if one power is to take over the world, I’d rather be controlled by Wal-Mart than those thieving bastards at the United Nations because then at least prices will be low and I won’t have to worry about black helicopters circling around my house. Then again if there was a one-world government we might be able to buy computers for only $10. However, those computers probably wouldn't have CD-Burners installed on them. Then again, all this shit should be free anyway to each according to his needs. Now I have a headache.
Disagree.
Much like my rule on giving "absolute" answers, I’m disagreeing with the absoluteness of this statement. If our country rounded up kitties for no good reason other than to just destroy them all I wouldn’t support that. Do whatever with the hippie indians, Uncle Sam, just leave my cats alone.
Disagree.
I think that people who religiously celebrate their great-grandparents’ country of origin need to get a life, but for all of those pseudo-hippies that think we’re the Satan of the world, how come people risk life and limb to come over here on hand-made boats?
Agree.
Yes, us whiteys have some great qualities when compared with, say, Muslims, who stone their wives for exposing their sexy ankles in public. What? We used to burn suspected witches at the stake? Well, that was a long time ago. Besides, my people have many inferior qualities, too. For example, we can’t dance worth shit. We also couldn’t play cornerback in the NFL if our life depended on it.
Agree.
OMG WE GAVE SADAAM HUSSEIN THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION THAT WE INVADED HIS COUNTRY LATER ON TO TAKE BACK FROM HIM. Yeah, and Stalin helped us win WWII. Even worse yet, France helped our nation gain its independence from the red coats.
Agree.
With all the fucked up places out there, I prefer to go against the grain of what the rest of the world thinks.
Disagree.
I agree with the point that the line between “news” and “entertainment” can be blurring at times, but I don’t consider it “worrisome.” What’s more troubling to me are the idiots who are unable to distinguish from between the two.
Developing...
• So what can a New Jersey Democrat politician do when his state government gets shut down and there are no Republicans to blame? I have no idea, but I want to know which group wants to starve children and poison the elderly: Newly elected governor Jim Corzine or the Democrat-controlled Congress? What’s funny is that the disagreement doesn’t seem to be over whether to raise taxes or reduce the size of government, but rather it’s about what taxes to raise. I heard on the radio that Corzine wants to jack up the state sales tax while his opponents want to raise taxes on other things, like car rentals and computers. But the real victims of this shut down aren't the children or the poor. It's people like Michael Trager who was playing a video poker machine at 7:50 a.m. when he was told to stop playing.
• After all the money spent convicting the guy, Ken Lay gets the last laugh by dying on us before serving hard time. I’m sure the joke of, “How can he have a heart attack when he doesn’t have a heart to begin with?” has already been written into late-night comedians’ scripts, so I won’t pile on. I am curious to know if some of the left-wing blogs and message boards have accused the Bush Administration of offing his one-time “Kenny Boy.” I’m not curious enough, however, to bother to look.
• And speaking of those who deserve to die, will some god up there (or down below, I’m not picky) strike these fucks down?
• Ben Wallace just signed with the Chicago Bulls for a shitload of money. As much as I like Detroit’s former “Big Ben,” and as much as I fear that ‘fro, I wonder if $60 million over four years is a good value for someone that has limited offensive capabilities and is awful from the free-throw line? I guess you could say the same about Shaq, but Wallace isn’t O’Neal sized. Speaking of the Bulls, the team might as well sign another free agent, this one for their mascot.
• Who says the Germans don’t have a sense of humor? If only there was some video of people who tried to kick these concrete spheres. Speaking of the World Cup, Germany and Italy are scoreless in the 90 minutes of regulation. They then go to one 15-minute overtime. In the second overtime, within the span of 2-3 minutes, Italy goes on to score two goals. You know there had to be people who watched the entire match, left the room to take a poop, only to come back and see Italy up 2-0.
• Yesterday the better half and I went to a cookout at her one friend's parents' house. Well, Mrs. kkk went because her friend invited her; I just came for the grub. Hey, when there are free burgers and hot dogs to be consumed, who am I to say no? Actually, I have a deep respect for the father of this better half’s friend. The guy has a bunch of small/side businesses, and he has no qualms with screwing over his own blood to make a buck. It’s awesome enough this guy’s gas station has been featured in the local media from time to time as being the most expensive place to purchase gasoline, but that’s not all. Down the street from his house, this guy owns a daycare center that his daughter (Mrs. kkk’s friend) operates. Along with tending to legions of rug rats, the guy’s daughter also balances the books and does all the everyday things not expected of a child-care attendant. And what does he pay his daughter for all of this dedication? Less than $15,000/year. On top of that, this guy has refurbished his house’s basement to make it a stand-alone apartment and charges the same daughter rent of more than $350/month to live down there. While the better half can’t stand to see her friend used like this, I am in complete and utter awe at the awesomeness of her friend's father.
While most people at this cookout were family members, there was another couple the same age as us that we know through Mrs. kkk’s friend. I have nothing against this couple, but from what I have heard the husband is a real piece of work. Some highlights include taking his household’s savings, going out on a weekend trips without telling his wife where he's at, then returning without saying where (and what) he had done. Apparently, he also had been cheating on his wife, but I don’t know whatever became of that. Anyway, I heard he had been recently laid off from his job, and during our conversation yesterday he brought up how he was getting two weeks paid vacation for no reason and was looking to get another job within this company to another part of the country, more specifically being on the fast track to the organization's Hawaii facility. Rather than call him on this, I just let him live in his dream world. After all, for people that have nothing but their fantasies and delusions, taking these away from them can sometimes be a life-crushing ordeal. Besides, it’ll be nice to see him again down the line and ask how that transfer went.
For those that don't know what I'm doing, look at my entries over the last few days and figure it out yourself. Oh, and I'd add more questions, but for some reason the quote function gets all loopy after a certain number of times it gets used in one post, or at least that seems to be the case.
PART III:
Disagree.
Once again, the words used in this question are what did it for me. “Only” is too definite. Now if that word would have been replaced with “primary” I would be in the “agree” category. A company has to deliver a profit to its shareholders to survive, but I’m also a believer in rewarding those who got you there.
Agree.
They may not be as highly taxed as in previous generations, but I’m all about cutting taxes and a fan of a consumption-only tax. Of course it'll never happen, which is why I don't talk about it much.
Disagree.
The only reason I disagree with this is because the word “right” is used. If the statement read “Those with the ability to pay have the opportunity to higher standards of medical care” then I would be in agreement. Bad question.
Agree.
There is some question as to what “mislead” actually means. Should my State Representative go after Crazy Ray because I found a car dealership that offers lower prices than his “can’t be beat” deals? No. Should Ken Lay have been prosecuted for fucking over his employees and shareholders? Sure.
Disagree.
I don’t think it “requires” it, but I wouldn’t necessarily have a problem with its use. Once again, how these restrictions are used could be up for debate.
Agree.
Also the freer the people to make dumb choices and become slaves to Visa and Mastercard.
Agree.
I consider myself to be a pro-lifer. Wouldn’t make sense for me to say otherwise.
Disagree.
Yeah, I know. I’m a lackey for the Bush Administration. It’s just that if you question ALL authority then you have too much time on your hands. If a tanker spills over into a lake and a cop orders your to stay out of the water, I don’t think I’ll be giving him a hard time about his draconian demands of me.
Agree.
Depending on the severity of the crime, I’ll even recommend two eyes for an eye.
Agree.
I’d also include sporting facilities in this one, too. Now I’m not saying they shouldn’t be funded; just put the issue up for a vote or something and see if enough people in an area are willing to subsidize these thinngs.
Developing...
By this time I think I was at around Page 4 when filling out the PC's electronic form.
Disagree.
AHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHA. Oh, wait. They were serious with this question.
Agree.
They shouldn’t, but they do. And there are politicians out there who have no qualms with pandering to these leeches.
Disagree.
I don’t know how to answer this one. It might be good for you not to obsess over it every waking minute of your life, but to pretend it doesn’t exist? I’ll have to go with “Disagree” on this one.
Disagree.
Interesting. I think there are plenty of language, cultural and social barriers to prevent a large number of first-generation immigrants from being fully integrated, but I don’t think it would be impossible. Besides, what is “fully” integrated mean anyway? Just speak English and you should be fine. OMG what a RACIST thing to say.
Disagree.
You mean amassing debt in the case for future growth/gains? No thank you. And get that “always” out of there while you’re at it.
Agree.
Well, if it’s a state-run broadcast then naturally it’ll receive public funding. However, if you’re talking about PBS or NPR, then get those bitches off sucking my teet. And just who determines if a broadcasting institution is “independent”? Bill Moyers?
Disagree.
Now if W. ever meets me and says, “How was that extra cheese pizza you ordered from Luigi’s the other night?” I might change my answer.
Agree.
Well you do get things done quicker – like baking Jews.
Agree.
If you want to secretly videotape me taking a crap, I would like to have it back eventually so I can sell it on the internet and make some money; I hear there are some niche markets for this sort of thing. I might consider being worried by other private parties spying on me, but the word “official” tells me that this is about W. spying on you. While I’m on this subject, for all those people not named Mohammad that are bitching the government has got its eyes on you; you ought to be thrilled that these people find you important and noteworthy enough to set up cameras within your residence.
Agree.
If you are caught on one of these official surveillance cameras killing someone in cold blood, you should die minutes after the jury finds you guilty.
Developing...
• I’ve heard Paul Harvey say a number of things I never thought I’d hear some 100-year old guy reporting the news say. Yesterday was one of those times, what with him starting one story by saying, “Car owners like to pimp up their cars…”
• So Arizona, in hopes of bringing more people to the polls, is putting up for a referendum that if passed, would make one lucky person who bothers to vote a million dollars richer. Oh fuck no. First off, I’ve seen people that play the lottery and will only vote just to get a chance to become a millionaire (or whatever the amount is after the winnings are taxed). Believe me, you don’t want these people voting. Well, then again, considering there are a number of commies reading this blog, you probably do. I’m all about repressing the downtrodden. Let them play Powerball, just stay the hell out of my voting booth. While I hear many ads around election time telling people to “get out and vote,” I’m the exact opposite. If you don’t want to vote, then don’t. Chances are if you’re that lazy and stupid, you’ll probably vote Democrat, so stay home, eat your Cheetos and complain about how The Man is holding you back.
• Having read Bored's entry about the 1986 college football season, I was taken back to that night Penn State beat Miami in the Fiesta Bowl. It was a terrible night for driving in the Shittsburgh area with snow, sleet and ice everywhere. My half-brother, who was in high school at the time, was driving himself and me (a 10-year old kid) back to my old man’s residence when suddenly he hit some ice and slid into a guardrail. There was quite a hefty dent along the passenger side of the Nissan pickup truck, and we were fortunate enough to have a nearby family that heard the crash come out and offer us assistance. After getting over the initial adrenaline rush that accompanies any automobile accident, we were on our way back home. My half-brother was freaking out the entire time because he was so concerned about dad flipping out on him; I was trying to console him by saying he’ll just be glad that nobody got hurt. I then said, “Just take your time, drive safely and get us home. Then you can worry about it.” I was told years later that I was about three seconds away from being tossed out of the truck at that moment. Why do I bring this up? That PSU/Miami game was playing in the house of that family who took us in for a few minutes just to make sure we were OK. You want analysis of that year’s Top 25 ranking based on win-share totals and which teams ate more fiber at their pre-game meals? Go over to Bored’s place and stay there. You want stupid stories that have no meaning to your life outside of the time you wasted to read 500 or so words worth of gibberish? Then I’m glad not to disappoint ... again.
• Oh hell I might as well have some BREAKING NEWS to go with all of this shit. For those that participate in my football contest, I heard from nl-asshole that he probably won't participate this year due to the fact he's a little faggot-ass bitch. So if you were in the league last year and have a team for this year and want to switch over to the Pats, just say dibs. First come first served. And I'll be making an announcement about this year's contest in a few weeks, for those that care.
And down the stretch I come.
Agree.
There are people in this world who perform moral feats simply because it is the right and just thing to do, not because they are afraid God will strike them down if they act otherwise. It's a shame I'm not one of these people that cares about doing the right thing, but I know they have to exist somewhere.
Agree.
Generally, it’s more efficient. The bigger a “giving” institution is, the better chance of it becoming wrapped in red tape and saddled with unnecessary overhead.
Disagree.
Sometimes fate does play a role in what happens to us, but it’s the choices we make that determines this “luck” for us, too.
Disagree.
It’s important that a school instills reading, writing and arithmetic. Also having them return your brat home free of bullets or blades helps, too.
Diagree.
If by “immoral” you mean “not for baby-making purposes” then I might agree (although married couples have sex to get off, too). For me, “immoral” in this case means “not for feelings,” and for me that would mean prostitution. Since most sex outside of marriage isn’t a business transactions (although with the cost of dating, this could be debated), I will say no.
Agree.
I’m against homosexual marriage, because I’ve always said marriage is between a man and a woman. However, if a child faces a choice between living in foster care/the government system for his or her upbringing or living with Bob and Steve in an otherwise “normal” household, then I say go for it. Just realize that the kid will probably get beat up a lot in school for having gay adoptive parents.
Agree.
If not for Porn, there wouldn’t be an Internet today. An Internet where I can take polls like this.
Agree.
I know what this question is supposed to mean, but what if Condi Rice is banging some guy from Syria and in the act of passion she starts moaning out upcoming military strategies? I would think then that the State should take in interest in this one.
Disagree.
I enjoy the one time every few years that I go clothes shopping during a big sales event; I'd imagine that's how homos feel this way everyday, although I don't buy anything in vibrant colors.
Agree.
I may be at risk of sounding like an old fuddy duddy, but sometimes when I turn onto MTV and I cringe at what I see. I guess I can agree with this statement because it doesn’t say if I want anything done by the government about it. I know there are some other societies that are "more open" with this topic than the States, but then again there are a bunch of other societies that are much less, accepting, of seeing chicks in suggestive poses.
Developed
Well there you have it. Now that I'm done, where exactly do I compare with world leaders in my viewpoints? Am I to the right of W. on foreign policy, or am I more authoritative than Hitler on social issues? You can either take all of my answers and submit them yourself onto the Political Compass's web site, or you can just wait until I post the results in a future entry.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 68: Agent Bond34
I don’t see much of Agent around here. He seems to show up around football time to partake in our message board’s football contests; after not logging into TSM for several months, he showed up and took his spot in my football league, along with Bored’s. But hey, he submits his picks on time, which makes him OK in my book. I do feel for him when a few years ago he got banned by some mod because that person thought Agent was a previously banned poster (Mr. Zsasz). You see, Zsasz liked James Bond, and since Agent’s name had the word “Bond” in it, it’s only natural that Agent Bond was Zsasz in disguise, despite the fact Agent had been posting here since August of '02. But I digress.
• Yesterday was a bit of a bittersweet day for me in my talk-radio listening habits. In the Shittsburgh area, on the Fox Sports Radio affiliate, there is this local morning show that is probably going to get the axe. For a few years these two former Steeler linemen – Tunch Ilkin and Craig Woofley – hosted this 7-10 a.m. program. However, rather than having the Clear Channel-owned station cut their show due to low ratings, Ilkin has decided to leave the show in order to pursue other endeavors. This pair had been paying for airtime and had been selling their own advertising. Now with Ilkin leaving (he’s pretty much left already, having taking this past week off and scheduled to “officially” leave at the end of the month) the only way this program will continue if the station takes the show on itself, which probably isn’t going to happen. (Some background info.) I usually listened to this program from 9-10 a.m., and if my local RIGHT-WING RADIO guy was airing a “best of” program I usually just tuned over to Tunch and Wolf from 7-10 a.m. This program wasn’t great by any means, but you could tell both guys were having fun doing this show, and it’s a little sad to see them go. However, both have other things to do with their lives (both take part in the Steelers radio broadcasting team) and I wish both the best of luck.
• So was our new American cycling hero doping it up when beating the rest of the world in a sport that our country doesn’t follow? Who knows and who cares. I didn’t get caught up in all the Floyd Landis hype when he was on the bike, and I’m not going to pay attention to the aftermath. When it came to the last seven Tour de Frances, I didn’t follow one second of them. Toward the end of each race, I’d check to see if Lance Armstrong was going to win, and when I would learn that he’d come in first (again) I’d say “cool” and go back to my existence. I think cycling is a sport, unlike Jason Whitlock of ESPN/Kansas City Star fame, and I think Armstrong’s story is an amazing one. I just don’t care about cycling. However, I do care about pissing off the rest of the world, particularly the French, which is why I don’t goof on this event … much.
• It’s a shame this guy lived, because he would be an excellent candidate for one of those “too stupid to live” awards. Trying to start shit in a gun store with a machete is like a WAP bringing a knife to a gunfight.
• I’m not a huge Rocky fan, but I have to call "bullshit" on this one. Perhaps if the statue featured a picture of Jesus in a jar of urine, or a painting of the Virgin Mary made in cow dung, these artsy fartsy types might deem the “prop” worthy of having a place at their hippie museum. I got a laugh in this article when some “expert” claimed this statue is not “art,” but rather a "prop." This "prop" is what many people probably associate with the Philly art museum, and I’m sure a case can be made that a lot of the crap inside this building, if put to a vote, by simpletons like me, wouldn’t get branded as “art,” either.
• There are a lot of people out there that don’t like Paris Hilton, but I’ll defend my girl: she sure can bring the comedy, whether it is intentional or not. I’m sure some will say that she doesn’t deserve her fortune, but I disagree; she’s sure been able to milk her “talents” into quite a nice pile of cash, even without all those hotels she owns.
• Here's kkk's tip of the day: never watch one of those Jason Bourne movies starring Matt Damon when you have a headache. Ugh.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 63: Mr. S£im Citrus
Not only has Mr. S£im served our country with honor (something 99 percent of us here can’t attest to), but many times he is a voice of reason in threads dealing with life, like when he was called a fuddy duddy for saying it’s wrong to bang a soldier’s wife. It seems Mr. S£im is into the threads which are at the bottom of this board – that SWF virtual wrestling stuff. I’ve only explored that area of TSM a few times, and I’ve always ended up running away scared. However, what would be worse – becoming SWF International Champion for 50 days, or ending up on this hippie list for all of eternity? No way I’m goofing on him regarding this, what with me having seen a picture of him and all (the pic may not be viewable now, but trust me, he's a big dude). I’m sure he could use his military connections to find out where I live, drive over there, and snap me like a twig. I’m also going to refrain from making any racist jokes in this entry until after the panel has spoken. I actually see a lot of myself in Mr. S£im. Well except for that whole "serving your country" thing. Plus I'm white. Oh, and there's that whole kid issue. But I have three cats, which has to count for something.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
From Bob Barron:
From Cancer Marney:
• I heard on Around the Horn today that L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling is being sued for (allegedly) not wanting blacks or Hispanics into some housing complex that he owns. Instead, Sterling has been appealing to the Asian community to take up residence; he even changed the name of his one complex to make it sound more enticing to Koreans, according to ATH panelist JA Adande. All I have to say is can you blame this guy? Not only is his rent now getting turned in on time, but also I’m sure there is a sharp decline in the amount of stray animals roaming around his properties.
• Damn you Salem Radio Network. Today is the last day that Dave Ramsey will be on 730-AM WPIT. Because Ramsey and Salem Radio couldn’t come to an agreement regarding contract issues, Dave’s show will be taken off this set of radio stations, of which WPIT is a member. I’ve been listening to Ramsey’s show for a few months, and I was really digging the program. Now this radio station is “Help-oriented” with a lot of Jesus talk in the morning hours (which I stay away from of course), so I doubt they will replace Ramsey with Neal Boortz’s show, so it looks like I’ll have to re-arrange my afternoon play list of RIGHT-WING RADIO. Then again, I can always download his show off his Web site, but that would take too much work. Actually I think I'll probably end up doing this considering the RIGHT-WING RADIO market is pretty bad for certain parts of the day, especially when it's vacation time for the regular hosts.
• I heard on the radio today that the Shittsburgh International Airport has these stickers posted on nearby public pay phones that say all conversations on these devices are being monitored by U.S. Government courtesy of the Patriot Act. I seriously don’t know if this is a joke or not, but my local media is treating it as a legit news story. Oh, and while I’m on this subject, for those disgruntled terrorists upset about this recent unsuccessful attempt to blow up a bunch of airplanes, take heart; I’m sure the N.Y. Times will produce a cover story showing you how to avoid getting caught with liquid explosives for your next attempt to cause havoc with us infidels.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Some lady lived in sin with this guy for a few years and doesn’t get along with her step-daughter. Her husband is suffering from liver failure and doesn’t have much more time to live. This lady’s step-daughter is having her wedding in a week or so and didn’t invite the step-mom. Because of this the step-mom doesn’t want her husband to attend his daughter’s wedding. Today’s runner up call was from a 17-year old guy who was “dared” by a friend to check out an X-rated Web site. He did, is now “addicted” to viewing on-line porn and doesn’t know what to do.
In previous entries I’ve mentioned my opinion of state-run lotteries. I consider playing Powerball equivalent to flushing your money down the toilet, but if you have an office pool going when a jackpot reaches $100+ million, then chip in your $5 because if you don’t you know your co-workers will have a winning ticket, thus making you the only person in the office for the next workday. Back when I used to work at the Quickie-Mart during my college days, I got to interact with these gambling junkies on a frequent basis, and let me just say that these are some of the scariest, not to mention most pathetic, mo-fo’s out there. They were so scary that I dubbed them “Lottery People.”
There are two types of Lottery People. You have the ones who play Powerball, Daily Numbers, etc., and then you have those that indulge in those instant scratch-off games. Today’s entry will deal with the former; I’ll get to the latter another time. A considerable amount of Lottery People are these little old ladies who have been playing certain numbers for their entire lives, but there are also younger, equally dumb, contestants. However, the most aggravating are the blue-haired seniors.
During my Quickie-Mart days we had two cashiers, and in-between our registers was the dreaded lottery machine. When a customer had numbers to play, the person whose register she approached had to go to the lottery machine and enter the numbers, all the while your customer line grew and grew. I think the biggest annoyance was that our regular customers who played the lottery always had with them a piece of paper which had their list of numbers written on it. Now of course instead of handing the sheet over to us so we could enter in the numbers, they would proceed to READ THEM OFF ONE AT A TIME. Even when we asked for their precious chicken-scratch many of them would refuse to do so. One time I had this regular customer who was an old hag that always refused to let me read off her list. A day or so later when she came back to play her numbers she claimed I previously messed up her numbers, and the number I erred on hit for the first time in her life. Did I screw up her numbers? I don’t know, but seeing as how Rule #2 of the Lottery People Handbook is to double-check your numbers after you received your tickets, I don't really care if I did or not. Then again, there are many rules in the Lottery People Handbook that aren’t followed, such as:
#4: If you place a certain set of numbers, MARK THEM DOWN on one of those insta-sheets you can just give to a cashier so he or she can run them through the lottery machine error-free.
#8: If you have more than several numbers and are in a hurry, don’t buy your tickets during the MORNING or AFTERNOON RUSH HOUR, when the Quickie-Mart is at its busiest.
#15: When checking your numbers, don’t do it at the register, and don’t be surprised if customer who has been waiting behind you for 10 minutes pushes you out of the way so he can pay for his gas and pack of beef jerky. Go to a low-traffic area, double-check your numbers, and return back to the register if there’s a ticket that’s incorrect.
#16: If the lottery machine ticket paper needs re-filled, getting pissy and impatient will not help matters, considering those machines are a bitch to re-fill. If you get pushy or annoying, the customer service representative may deliberately take his time re-filling the machine just to piss you off even more.
#23: Should you enter a store and find a long-ass line at the lottery machine, don’t act all surprised. There are many idiots in this world, and sometimes you'll have to wait if you wish to part with your money in a senseless fashion.
#42: In the rare case you actually get a winning ticket for a nominal amount of cash, please let the cashier know this and what the amount is before this customer service representative goes to pay you out. Believe it or not, a Quickie-Mart employee is not supposed to have $300 readily available in large denominations somewhere within his or her cash register.
Back to that person earlier in this entry who claimed I screwed up her winning number. Being the remorseful soul that I am, I told her that from now on I would no longer enter her numbers for her and told her to have our other customer service representative perform this service. And just who was my other co-worker? This old broad who didn’t know, nor ever bother to learn, how to operate the lottery machine; when she had to get her picks entered (of course she played the lottery – she was old), another co-worker had to punch in the numbers for her. The look of terror my elderly customer had on her face told me that I knew she would never bitch about her incorrect lottery numbers ever again. Even though during my times as a cashier I experienced many infractions from the Lottery People Handbook, I have never witnessed anyone breaking the #1 rule of this guide: Never have someone old enough to receive senior discounts ring up your numbers.
With all of these wacky incidents, one would think that the instant scratch-off breed of Lottery People would be better behaved. Hey, it’s not like you have to do any kind of data entry service for them. Well you would be wrong. In fact, some of my more egregious encounters with Lottery People were via the instant win method.
• So one of the big stories coming out the first Monday Night Football game of this NFL preseason was the performance of the new announcing team, particularly that of Tony Kornheiser. Well some in the media were less than complimentary toward Tony’s performance, and I heard earlier this week about Kornheiser ripping into fellow ESPN talking head Mike Golic. I didn’t hear first-hand what Golic said about Tony’s performance, or Kornheiser’s reaction to Golic’s comments on Dan Patrick’s radio show. However, I heard both comments on Golic’s morning radio show the other day. If what Golic said about Kornheiser was indeed “offensive” to him, then Tony needs to grow some thicker skin, and this is not meant to be some sort of cancer joke. Goddamn, what Golic said was nothing – all he really said was that Tony’s performance wasn’t earth shattering. And for someone who makes a living commenting on other people through “Pardon the Interruption,” it is downright laughable for Tony to be whining about the negative criticism about his Monday Night Football performance.
I watched part of the game in question, and yeah the announcing team sounded a bit off. However, this is the first time the three of them have worked together, so naturally there will be a couple of rough edges. Being one of the few people out there who actually liked ESPN’s Sunday Night Football trio of Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul McGuire, I don’t blame Theismann for not being totally in sync with his new colleagues Mike Tirico and Kornheiser. However, the announcing wasn’t godawful or anything; it was just announcing.
I remember the Dennis Miller experiment at ABC a few years ago, and I commented back then about how much I hated listening to him. Looking back, I felt that I overreacted a bit, so I’m not going to be one of those folks who want to tar-and-feather Kornheiser over not being the next Howard Cosell after just one exhibition game. (I will give Miller points for saying after he was released that he held no ill-will toward ABC and thanked them for giving him the job of his dreams for a few years; other people would have complained to any news camera within 50 feet of their shadow.) Besides, even if this trio flops, it’s not like these Monday Night games are on network television. Pro football may be a ratings beast for cable television, but it pales in comparison to network figures, even if the network ratings are on the decline.
• So there’s some guy who’s said he was present when JonBenet Ramsey died. Oh goodie. I haven’t been paying attention to this story, but I’ve heard that his ex-wife or someone says he wasn’t at the Ramseys during the night JonBenet died. Whatever. I’ll wait until some DNA tests are completed before caring about this story. Too bad this guy wasn’t a Catholic priest; JonBenet would still be alive today. Also, thinking back to one of my favorite South Park episodes (the one that focused solely on Butters), I can’t help but wonder if the third public figure in the You’re-A-Liar Club really didn’t kill his ex-wife. First Gary Condit has been cleared of killing his intern he boinked on the side (not to mention on her back and probably while she was on all fours), now it looks like the Ramseys might be cleared of killing their kid once and for all. Could it only be a matter of time before O.J. finds the real killers?
This stuff just writes itself.
Bwahahahahaha. Man, I don’t know where to begin with this. Earlier today I was flipping channels because the usual NFL Live/Jim Rome/Around the Horn lineup I watch while exercising was canned due to those brats in Williamsport. I came across a Tucker Carlson show on MSNBC. Normally I’d just keep on flipping, but something caught my eye. Was it? Could it be? It was!
My n*gga Neal Boortz was on the show commenting on this very subject! And he stole my line of, “Well if the challenges deal with math the Asians have this won.” Bastard. But I digress. Now it's time to play the game that's sweeping the nation.
GUESS THAT RACE
Because I don’t want to ruin your playing experience, first I’ll just list the names and profiles of this season’s Survivor contestants. Next I will make my guesses as to each person's race and give the reasons for my picks. Finally, I’ll post the answers followed by my reaction to each one. Let’s see how well I do. I’m only going to go through this list one time, and there will be no backtracking or editing of my answers. Reading all the names and doing a process of elimination is for hippies.
THE CONTESTANTS:
Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.
Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.
Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angele.
J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.
Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.
Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.
Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.
Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.
Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.
Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.
Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.
Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C..
Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.
Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.
Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.
Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.
Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.
Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.
Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.
Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
THE GUESSES:
Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.
A tough one right off the bat. I want to say Asian, but they didn’t say she did nails at the mall. Because of that I’m going with White or Black, but which one? I’m going with White because I don’t visualize many Blacks in a place called Laurelton. Unless she’s light-skinned, which is possible. Shit. I’m going with my first thought and saying Black.
Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.
You got to be fucking kidding me. Asian.
Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angeles.
The style of music cinches it for me. Black.
J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.
Hard. The “J.P.” it signaling a minority, but pro volleyball? White.
Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.
Well I know which person the blacks will throw off the island first. My initial thought was White, but I’m going to go with Hispanic because I’m sensing a swerve here.
Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.
Deep South, older nursing student. I’m going to say Black.
Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.
Asian. Nah, just kidding. White as rice, err, snow, even with that last name. Wait a second. I’m not a heavy metal guy; I can’t think of many (fuck that, I can’t think of ANY) Hispanic front men, but could they be playing instruments? I’ll still go White.
Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.
A person in California with a job not picking produce? He ain’t Hispanic. I’ll go with Black because I sense another swerve. My reasoning? Copier sales = rappers copy other people’s music. Close enough.
Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.
Hispanic. I feel bad for his boss who is trying to figure out why there’s a high rate of theft at the store.
Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.
Asian, although the feminazi hyphenated last name is drawing a red flag. On second thought, I’m going Hispanic. Another good front. They sell the house to a family, then clean them out after they move in. No. Hispanics work in slaughterhouses in Illinois. Asian it is.
Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.
They’re not even trying with this one. Asian.
Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C.
Eww. You got the “Becky” for white and the “Lee” for Asian. Shit. I see more White chick attorneys than Asian. I’m playing the numbers on this one.
Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.
I don’t know many blacks with the nickname “Ozzy,” although I’m skeptic at a White guy being a waiter in California. He might be a pseudo-actor though. Sorry Hispanics, I’m going White here.
Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.
I’m glad I went White above, because I’m going Hispanic here.
Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.
Charles Oakley was black, and a damn good rebounder, too. Sundra sounds like the Sudan, so I’m going Black.
Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.
“Pen”er and a writer? Only a White guy would be that lame.
Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.
If it were a kick-boxer I’d go Asian, but the fact she is a waitress makes me guess Hispanic.
Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.
I don’t need to comment on this one. Do I? White. This only thing of color in this profile is the name of the city.
Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.
Crap. I don’t know. I’m going to say Hispanic just because. I do know that whatever race this guy ends up being, he’s gay.
Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
The better half knew a Black chick studying for a Masters/Ph.D. during her time in grad school who had the same first name as Ms. Woodcock, so I’m not falling for the “premed” trap on this one.
THE ANSWERS:
The proof.
Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.
Black. 1 for 1.
I was right on with this one.
Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.
Asian. 2 for 2.
This one shouldn’t even count.
Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angeles.
Black 3 for 3.
That first name and the choice of music was just too much for me not to pass up.
J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.
Hispanic. 3 for 4.
Even with this mistake, I know Al Keiper would still give me a good win-share figure.
Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.
Hispanic. 4 for 5.
Ha. I knew it.
Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.
Black. 5 for 6.
OK, now I’m starting to scare myself.
Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.
Hispanic. 5 for 7.
Damn. I should have went with the name over the profession on this one.
Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.
White. 5 for 8.
I missed the boat on this one, but these California contestants could go any way.
Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.
Black. 5 for 9.
Like I said above about Adam.
Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.
Asian. 6 for 10.
Whew. That was a close one.
Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.
Asian. 7 for 11.
Next. Say, with my current score, how come India or the Middle East aren’t being represented in this season of Survivor?
Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C.
Asian. 7 for 12.
Shucks. If I watched more Alley McBeal I might have gotten this one right. Oh well, I’ll take the wrong answer over watching that show any day.
Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.
Hispanic. 7 for 13.
I hate these California entries.
Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.
Hispanic. 8 for 14.
I went with the name over the job and am glad for it.
Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.
Black. 9 for 15.
Yeppers.
Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.
White. 10 for 16.
I know my own people too well.
Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.
White. 10 for 17.
Well maybe I don’t know my own people all that well. I forgot about Million Dollar Baby.
Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.
White. 11 for 18
Even if she wasn’t part of “your own people” you had to get this one right.
Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.
Asian. 11 for 19
The hell? I just guessed on this one anyway.
Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
White. 11 for 20
That last name sounded WASP-y, but I was going with personal experience. Looks like I need to broaden my horizons.
FINAL SCORE: 55 percent.
Well there you go. No matter which race becomes the ultimate Survivor, the true winners in this competition are the Jews in charge of this show.
So there I was a week or so ago winning the Stanley Cup in NHL ’06. Uh, yay, I guess. A few days later I proceeded to do all the off-season stuff this game has to offer (which isn’t much, but whatever). I generally like console off-season features. It’s a nice break from playing the actual games, plus it’s usually not too detailed with tedious shit that you have to do. Well after signing draft picks and a free agent or two, I decided to save. Now you know whenever you save a Playstation game it has that wording on the screen, “Don’t remove card, shut power off, etc.”? Well I now know why you shouldn’t do this. The fucking power went out in mid-save. The kicker? It went out for about 2 seconds. File corrupted. End of story.
I figured this was God’s way of telling me to get up and do something with my life. Was this “something” to devote my time to charity, mentor a youth or visit a retirement home? Well I certainly hope not because my definition of “something” in this case was to go and get more video games. One type of sports game I haven’t purchased in a long time is basketball, so I decided now would be a good time to try this genre out. A few days ago I bought NBA 2k5, ESPN College Hoops 2005 and NCAA Football ’05. Not only did these games cost me less than $10 total, but I think they will tide me over until/if I get a next-gen console a few years from now. I normally buy Electronic Arts sports games, but the ESPN brand seems to get much better reviews over the EA titles when it comes to basketball. I also went with the ESPN brand for basketball because you can import draft classes, which for some reason I want to do; that’s why I also purchased NCAA ’05.
Getting beat by the Charlotte Bobcats is telling me it will take some time to get the hang of the game play for the basketball titles; the last NBA game I remember playing was NBA Live ’95 and NBA Jam on my Genesis. One thing I could have really done without was hearing Stuart Scott on the loading screens. Christ, the developers thought this was a good idea? After a few games Bill Walton’s commentary is still making me laugh. I think I committed only a half-dozen “inexcusable” errors my last game, which is tells me I'm improving.
One thing I like about NCAA Hoops is that you can generate random names instead of those annoying jersey numbers. Thankfully most of the controls are the same as NBA 2k5, although I HATE the way you shoot free throws in this game. In addition, I don’t think you can change the screen angle, which is odd. However, for some reason I’m having more fun playing the NCAA game than its NBA counterpart.
Since I talked about my first two purchases, I might as well give my opinion on NCAA ’05 Football: it’s Madden-lite, which isn’t a negative criticism. The only thing I don’t like with this game are the numbers replacing player names. I’m not complaining though because there are worse things out there, like having to listen to Stuart Scott during loading screens.
• Oh, yeah. This will turn out well.
• No offense health nazis, but when someone orders a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries, I don't think they care about their value meal's calorie content. Look, I get that people are getting fatter and fatter, but it's up to each individual to make the proper choices in regards to their health and nutrition. It's true fatty foods are out there now more than ever before, but there are also more healthier choices, too.
• I'm sure this Ahmadinejad guy from Iran probably doesn't care too much for my infidel lifestyle, what with me eating pork and letting the better half out of the house every now and then. I'm also quite certain he'd want to chop my head off if given a rusty saw and a video camera to tape the incident for broadcast on Al Jazeera. However, upon reading this headline, I'm sure there's at least a little common ground we can share: Ahmadinejad Seeks Purge of Liberal Profs.
• This made me laugh. I seem to remember years back a similar event happening in California. Some hippie group wanted businesses to pay their workers "living wages," but yet these commies wanted to be exempt from the laws they were advocating; they claimed that they couldn't afford to keep their workers if forced to shell out the same hourly wage as they wanted to impose on the rest of us.
• That Ryan Howard guy from the Phillies has been on a tear, and it’s possible that he could hit 60-plus home runs this season. One topic du jour around the sports-talk circuit has been that if Howard hits 62 round-trippers this sesaon should he be considered the “true” home-run king instead of those roided-up ballplayers currently at the top of the single-season homer list. I say hell no. For as much as I loathe Barry Bonds, until someone else surpasses his single-season total, let his single-season home-run record stand. And let this be a reminder of how MLB and the fans didn’t give a shit about whether or not the game was being played clean in the late 1990s and early 2000s. While I’m on this subject, boo-fucking-hoo to the players now whining about how the suspicion of illegal performance-enhancing drug use is now over every over-achieving athlete’s head. You people made your bed, now go lie in it.
• So last night in-between commercials for the Florida State University/Miami football game I was channel surfing, like any good male does, and what did I stumble across? Some movie about the behind-the-scenes action of the sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes." Who in the world thought this was a good idea to do, and who in the world gave this person the green light to produce this piece of crap?
• Wow. Be careful what you wish for; it just might come true.
Um, if I’m going to die, at least I want to win the $100 million Powerball 50 years prior.
• Well Brad Pitt won’t marry Angelina Jolie until everybody can marry, regardless of sexual preference. Uh, OK. I guess I probably could go down the conventional right-wing route and whine about how the Hollywoodliberalelite should just shut up and make movies and not spout their commie beliefs to red-state America. Maybe I should also lament back to when Pitt made that “Seven Years in Tibet” movie, and Time magazine asked for his opinion about the China-Taiwan situation to which he replied, “What do I know? I’m an actor.” Nah, I’m not going to do any of this. Instead I have to give my brother from another mother a pound, thug-style yo. If only I had thought up this idea a few years ago. “Sorry dear, we can’t get married until Tom and Steve are allowed to do the same.” Brilliant. I guess I could say that if Pitt and Jolie became Canadian citizens then they could get hitched, but I’m not going to player-hate on Pitt’s strategy.
• Former TWA workers are picketing their own union. Rock on. When it’s union versus union, which side vandalizes the automobiles?
• So some states will need to put welfare recipients in a job or risk losing federal money. I think the biggest problem will be getting these people to stay at a place of employment for longer than 20 minutes -- either that or managing a flex schedule that doesn’t interfere with these people’s television viewing habits. Judge Joe Brown > Becoming more self-reliant. Wait, did I say states had to find welfare recipients "employment"? I meant "job training, community service or other work activities." Wow, that welfare reform. How heartless.
• Tomorrow is going to be weird for me. With every sport there are a few teams that you either like or hate with no gray area in-between. In Major League Baseball, the most prominent example of this is the New York Yankees. One example of this happening in the NFL is with the Dallas Cowboys. When it comes to college football, I consider Notre Dame to be one of these teams; count me in the group that doesn’t like the Fighting Irish. I don’t know why I dislike Notre Dame, I just never did. The only reason I can think of off the top of my head is that when they played the University of Colorado in some bowl game years ago, I liked Colorado because the team ran out onto the field with their buffalo mascot. I also got sick of media hype given to “The Rocket” Ishmael. Stupid reasons to be sure, but they’re reasons nevertheless. All this changes tomorrow when Notre Dame plays host to the Penn State Nittany Lions. Having lived a year-and-a-half in Sappy Valley, I can say that if Mohammad-Abdul ever decides to put a jihad on that stupid lion statue that just about every PSU student poses at during his or her time at this shithole in the center of Pennsylvania, I’ll chip in for the dynamite. Go Irish.
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Today’s caller has a son who lives far away and is about to get married (I think he’s in his 20s). The caller’s husband, who is the stepfather of her son, said that he doesn’t want to attend the wedding, nor does he want the caller to go to this blessed event. When the caller asked her hubby why he felt this way, the guy said because they already went on vacation last month and that this trip would cost too much money. Also, he’s afraid of flying. He added that if she goes to this wedding she might as well stay there because she’s “choosing her kids over him.”
• So that shithead who has been on the run for months, shooting several police officers and killing one, has finally been caught. Good. Fuck him. And fuck his family members who (allegedly) aided in his avoiding the law. One question, though: why are the media including the “Bucky” into his name Ralph “Bucky” Phillips? I think "Ralph Phillips" or "Bucky Phillips" would do just fine. Is there another criminal named Ralph Phillips out there pissed off because "Bucky" is giving him a bad name? I could see having the "Bucky" in there when he first escaped because people from the areas where he used to live might know him by this nickname, but now he's caught. I think it's safe to say we can drop the "Bucky." And if someone needs the "Bucky" to realize who this douche is...
... then that person should have to apply for a license in order to breed.
• Two entries ago I commented on the pro-censorship Democrats who don’t want some hippie ABC 9/11 Docudrama to be aired and thought back to how a few years ago the roles were reversed with that stupid “Reagans” mini-series. Now I'm taking a trip down memory lane again thanks to an upcoming political ad that's going to be used in a Virginia Senatorial race.
Upon hearing this story, I’m reminded of how it was just a few years ago when a pro-tax cut group used John F. Kennedy in some ads back in March of 2001. What did I say about it back then? Let's take a trip to the arkkkives back on March 14, 2001:
Both dead presidents? Check.
Both being used for political gain by the other side? Check.
Run the Reagan ads and let the pundit-hysteria commence.
Each year when the NFL season gets under way just about every sports journalist and fan out there starts making predictions from which team will have a "breakout" season to which team will win the Super Bowl. No, I won't be doing this today. (I already made my AFC and NFC "Division Results" entries a while back, and I can't wait to see how wrong my predictions turn out.) I'm going to try something different.
This year, starting with Week 10, instead of having a pre-determined Sunday Night game penciled in the NFL schedule months before Week 1's opening kick-off, the league will wait until 12 days before determining which match-ups get a prime-time slot. (Week 17’s game of the week will only be announced 6 days prior.)
What I’m going to do in this entry is guess each Week’s Sunday Night game. Below are the match-ups for all Sunday games for Weeks 10-13. (I’ll do Weeks 14-17 in a future entry.) At the end of each week’s list of games I’ll make my prediction along with some spur-of-the-moment thoughts.
Chicago at N.Y. Giants might be a classic “defense (Chicago) v. offense (New York)” match-up, as could be the Kansas City at Miami game. San Diego at Cincinnati looks to be a good one to watch, also. We also have Washington at Philadelphia, but I have a feeling one of those teams will be in the crapper by this time and pretty much out of playoff contention. (In addition, NBC will be airing these games, not ESPN.) I’d like to see San Diego at Cincinnati, but because of the media bias factor I’ll go with Chicago at New York.
Atlanta at Baltimore might be interesting. (Can Ray Lewis chase down Michael Vick?) However, will both teams be worth watching by Week 11? Indianapolis at Dallas looks like it has potential. Minnesota at Miami: Daunte’s return! Washington at Tampa Bay would be a return to a Wild Card game from last year. San Diego at Denver would make for a nice inter-division game. If Minnesota becomes a surprise team, I could see them airing Minnesota at Miami in prime-time, but I’m going with the safe pick: Indianapolis at Dallas.
Carolina at Washington and Chicago at New England are both in the running this week. So are Philadelphia at Indianapolis and Shittsburgh at Baltimore. This week also shows why the NFL went with this “flex” scheduling. I’m certain that all eight teams mentioned above will not be in playoff contention. So instead of taking a chance of New England having an off-year with all the players they lost this past off-season, or praying Carolina doesn’t get hit with the injury (or steroid) bug, it makes more sense to wait 12 days before this week’s games to determine which game would appeal most to a nationwide audience. Because I’m making my selection three months in advance rather than a dozen days, I’m going with Carolina at Washington because both teams were in the playoffs last year, and each franchise won at least one game during their time in the postseason.
Atlanta at Washington? Nah. Dallas at New York looks like a contender. Jacksonville at Miami – the battle of Florida. Minnesota at Chicago might be a big one if both teams manage to win outside the NFC North. Tampa Bay at Shittsburgh and Seattle at Denver features both Super Bowl teams squaring off against a playoff opponent from last year, albeit from the other conference. I think Jacksonville at Miami might be a sleeper pick, but once again I’m going with the safer Seattle at Denver.
Developing...
• When WPGB, my local FM RIGHT-WING RADIO station, set up shop in the Shittsburgh market a few years ago, one of its marketing gimmick was to goof on the other talk-radio stations in the area, particularly KDKA, that catered to an older demographic. When WPGB took Rush's show away from KDKA, one of the lines they used to announce this coup was something to the extent was that Rush would no longer be a victim of the "left-wing conspiracy" of Pirates baseball, which pre-empted regular radio programming on KDKA whenever it was time for the Bucs to go out there and lose once again. God only knows why regular programming took a backseat – it’s the freaking Pirates. Anyway, on the way to work today guess what I heard on the radio?
The left-wing cabal that is the Pirates will now be heard on WPGB starting next year. God damnit. I found this line to be particularly rich.
Well you people sure as fuck aren't in the business of winning games.
• Now this is some sad news.
RIGHT-WING RADIO has been seizing more reasons why regressive talk radio is unpopular than Hitler seized land during World War II.
Uh, wait a minute. Let me hit the rewind button.
Let me hit it again.
Uh, OK.
Well I now know why Jerry Springer chose to dance with the stars.
I really don’t care if Air America goes down the shitter or gains 500 stations. What I really cared about were the comments after this article.
Jason M. Hendler, before you begin posting here, why don’t you make a call for the Pres. Reagan docu-drama to be broadcast?
By the way, didn’t Rush Limbaugh have a television show that flopped harder and faster than Air America radio? I’ll be nobody wants to bring THAT news up.
I’ve heard many truck drivers and elderly people calling into Air America claiming they’ve been converted. We can’t cede any format to the right.
that’s too bad. hopefully they can keep operating into the distant future. they certainly gained lots of ground reaching new markets in the past couple years. I’m not a fan of Clear Channel, but their support shows a need in the market for the liberal format. They wouldn’t do it if they didn’t think they’d make a lot of money.
R.I.P., Air America. If it had been a right-wing network, this administration would have secretly funneled millions of dollars into it. Ya know, if they happen to do that sort of thing.
Whatever happens to Air America, the “stars” on their roster will continue in some way, shape, or form.
I’m sad to see Air America on the ropes, but very glad to hear that Clear Channel is doing a talent search for progressives.
If that happens, a lot of radio stations will have dead air if they don’t replace the programming themselves…
And since when do regressives look to Clear Channel as being a savior rather than a tool of the devil?
• I guess it's not all gloom and doom for Commie Radio. There are those feminazis who are backing a network that provides nine hours of programming per day (but it will soon increase to TWELVE) on several radio stations. Will there be bra burning, men hating or any of that other good stuff I've come to expect from these chicks that need dicks? Nah, there'll be discussions about plastic surgery, cooking and spring cleaning.
• And speaking of women doing radio, it's now time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This caller has never been married and has two kids with two different men. She’s currently living at her father’s house and has stayed there for a few years. Her dad watches the kids free of charge while she works overnights (as a babysitter). This woman is mad because her father said that he’s going out of state for a week because he’s helping his one friend move. The reason she’s upset? He won’t be able to watch her kids.
• The New York Islanders, who just promoted Goalie Garth Snow to the position of general manager, signed a player to a 15-year contract. And who says there’s not continuity in sports? Granted Rick DiPietro was a bitch to score on in NHL ’06, but I wouldn’t be giving him $67 million dollars over a decade-and-a-half for this accomplishment.
The NBA gives Magic Johnson 25 years; the NHL gives Rick DiPietro 15. Ok then.
• First Steve Irwin gets killed by a stingray. Now this shocking development.
• El Luchadore Magnifico may not be on my Top 103 Posters list, but his blog holds a special spot in my heart. Sure he may not talk sports like Bored and Al Keiper, "ramble" like Hawk34 or … um, well there’s always Lovecraft or whatever he’s calling himself nowadays, but how can you top this:
• Gotta feel for the ladies on this one. You know how whenever you see a fellow person of the testicular persuasion catch one in the groin you give a little “sympathy cringe,” imagining what the pain must feel like? Well, I’m guessing popping out a 14-pound, 13-ounce kid would be the female equivalent.
• Uh-oh. Allah's going to be pissed. Again. From Ratzinger's speech:
Muslims, get the fuck over yourselves already. You think this and a couple of cartoons is bad? Just wait until you start shelling out your tax dollars (that is if you people have enough spare time from burning American flags and declaring jihads on infidels to actually have a job) for someone to submerge a picture of Mohammed (if one can be found) in a jar of pee or make a painting of him covered in cow poop. You know when I’ll start taking you people and your precious Allah seriously? When someone enters one of your market squares, rattles off a few Muslim jokes, and instead of the jokester getting beheaded you people say, “That’s a good one. Say, did you hear the one about the Priest at the confessional and the yellow holy water?” Until we get to this point, which will be never, I say to you and your jihad to Ratzinger and the rest of the West…
...bring it, bitches.
Time to see which teams I have for this week’s NFL games. Remember that I’m using point spreads from my kkk Bowl contest, and I have put in virtually no research other than what I may have heard in the news over the past week.
Buffalo at Miami (6.5)
Buffalo played tough last week while Miami lost to the Super Bowl champs. I think Miami will win, but not by six-and-a-half points.
(1.5) Carolina at Minnesota
Steve Smith is out and the Vikings are returning home after a Week 1 victory at Washington. The Carolina defensive line versus the Minnesota offensive line will be an interesting match-up. I’ll take the Vikings at home.
Cleveland at Cincinnati (10.5)
The question for me is how bad will the Bengals beat their in-state rivals. I’ll wager it’ll be in the double digits, so I’ll take Cincinnati in their home opener.
Detroit at Chicago (8.5)
Lions wide receiver Roy Williams said Detroit was going to win this game. He guaranteed it. He promised. When has Roy Williams ever let me down before? Roy, I'm taking your word on this. Don't fuck with my emotions.
Houston at Indianapolis (13.5)
Indianapolis always toys with Houston, but will they play with them enough to win by two touchdowns? Sure, why not – it’s early in the season and Peyton Manning needs to get those stats up by feasting on the weaker teams in his division.
(1.5) New Orleans at Green Bay
The old (Brett Favre) versus the new (Reggie Bush). Can New Orleans go up 2-0 at the start of this young NFL season? With the way Green Bay played last week, I’ll say why not.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia (3.5)
It’s one of those NFC East contests where anything goes. Will the Eagles be better than last year’s 6-10 team, or will the Giants drop off from their division-winning campaign of the 2005-06 season? I think I'll go with the Eagles because they improved more from last year than the Giants.
Oakland at Baltimore (12.5)
Will the Oakland Train Wreck Express continue with a stop in Baltimore? Probably. Will the Ravens win by a dozen points? I don’t know. I’ll put my hopes on the Raiders scoring a late touchdown with the Ravens playing prevent defense to drop Baltimore's victory to single digis.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta (5.5)
Tampa looked like crap last week. Will they bounce back this week against their division foes? I’m not sure, but I’ll predict the score will be closer than last week’s contests for both teams, which has me siding with the Bucs on this one.
Arizona at Seattle (7.5)
Will Seattle play like they did last week, or will Arizona upset the defending NFC Conference Champs? I’ll go with Seattle against that Cardinals defense.
(3.5) St. Louis at San Francisco
St. Louis looked good at home last week, so I’ll predict them looking svelte on the road against San Francisco.
Kansas City at Denver (10.5)
The Chiefs still have Larry Johnson, but they also have a backup quarterback starting the game. I’ll go with the Broncos at home.
(6.5) New England at N.Y. Jets
It’s a battle between master and pupil on the sidelines this week. The Jets played the Titans tough last week, and the Patriots struggled against the Bills. With that point spread, I’m going with New York.
Tennessee at San Diego (11.5)
San Diego looked good last week, while Tennessee made it game with the Jets. The Chargers will probably win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say sure. The real bet ought to be will San Diego score more points than their quarterback throw passes.
Washington at Dallas (5.5)
Both are NFC East teams. Both are winless in Week 1. I think the Cowboys will win, but not by the margin listed above.
(1.5) Shittsburgh at Jacksonville
This game is going to be physical and nasty. Even though the Steelers won here two seasons ago, they always seem to have problems down in Jacksonville. For that reason, I’ll go with the Jags.
Two-bit thugsters masquerading as populist leaders aren’t the only ones who have called my beloved President a devil. A while back I interacted with someone of American origin who thought the same thing as Hugo Chavez. I mentioned this story in a TSM post a while back, but it’s such a heart-warming tale that it bears repeating.
Old people are hit-or-miss with me. Although I have met some who were cool as cool can be, the vast majority of them are miserable bastards, probably because they know that they are quickly approaching their expiration date. Will I act this way should I make it into my senior years? I don’t know. Hell, there are times when I catch myself sounding similar to these old farts. For example, this whole text-messaging thing these kids are doing nowadays. The hell? I’m not paying money just to type on some hippie cell phone, “C U L8r” or whatever they are saying to each other. But this story isn’t about my problems with society latest technological fads. It’s about old people who piss me off.
A little less than a year ago the better half and I stopped into McDonalds for a quick bite to eat. Now this Golden Arches is on the outskirts of where the dirty urban area meets the lavish landscape that is suburbia. Even though mainly ghetto trash work at this place, and the food is usually not worth the 10-minute wait you have to endure to get your order completed, it’s the only McDonalds on our way home from work, and Mrs. kkk wanted a quarter-pounder before heading off to her second job. After deciding to eat in the store rather than order at the drive-thru, the better half picked a booth that was next to these four old people. As I sat down I realized that not only were our dining mates old, but also they were loud. Obnoxiously loud. And unoriginal. Christ, these people were talking about the same shit that all old people talk about, and this is why I hate most old people. What’s the number one thing all old people talk about? Yep, how everything is soooooo much more expensive than it used to be back when they were kids. Oh I hate this topic. Yes, shit is more expensive now than it was back when FDR ran things. No, I don’t want to hear about how you used to be able to go to the matinee for a nickel. Whenever an old bastard starts bringing this shit up, I like to respond with, “Well back in those days you only made a quarter a week. How much do you rake in a month with Social Security?” Ugh, I hate it when old people bitch about the price of everything. Hell, I remember when it only cost 50 cents to buy a pack of 15-20 football cards. Now a pack can go for several dollars, and I’ve seen some that offer less than 10 cards per purchase. Know what I do? I DON’T FUCKING BUY THEM. Now I’m going off track, again.
After listening to this shit for what seemed like an eternity, I got pushed over the edge when these old people started bitching about how George W. Bush wanted to take their Social Security away. Oh for fuck’s sake. This administration tried to buy you old bastards off with some gay-ass prescription drug program that’s a bloody abortion to begin with. Shut the fuck up about any politician wanting to take away your Social Security. Senior citizens are the biggest voting bloc out there – you think any politician is going to fuck with you people? If anything, in order to kowtow to your wrinkly asses, public officials will try to bone over some other demographic that doesn’t go to the polls – like teens and young twentysomethings, or, better yet, black people. NOBODY’S TAKING AWAY YOUR FUCKING SOCIAL SECURITY. This prompted me to start talking out loud to the better half about how happy I was that we owned Halliburton stock (Dick Cheney used to work there, you know) and that the dividends we earned from our Exxon portfolio were paying for this glorious meal in front of us. I then went off on some other subjects that I now can’t recall. However, I remember at one point I was discussing anal sex. Can’t remember why, though.
After a while of me stirring the pot, Mrs. kkk had enough and said we were both leaving right then and there and that she was going to finish eating on the ride home. As we both got up and walked by these old people, one of them said out loud while looking at me, “So when is that devil finally going to be out of office?” Without missing a beat, I turned to her and said in a calm, collected manner, “So when are you finally going to be dead?” No response, even though her mouth was open. If an old person ever pisses you off, uttering this phrase will usually shut them up. Trust me, it works.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Boy, kkk, you sure hate old people. Are there any old people out there you like?” Yes. Like I said before, there are cool old people out there. My favorite example of this was when I worked at the theater back in the late 1990s. Our place had just received “Boogie Nights,” and the stories I could tell of the people who went to see this movie having no idea that it dealt with the 1970s/80s porn industry could take up an entry unto itself. But that’s neither here nor there. On the first day of my theater playing this film, I was the afternoon cashier. To my surprise there were quite a few people who wanted to see “Boogie Nights,” on a Friday afternoon, but this one old guy who had to be at least in his 70s purchased his ticket and said to me, “That’s my wife over there. She’s not going to see this with me. She doesn’t like these dirty movies. Hehehehehehe.”
Rock on, dude. Rock on.
Since it’s Friday and I don't feel motivated to think of something original to write, what better time than to give my Week 3 Pickkks?
(3.5) Carolina at Tampa Bay
Both teams are under-achieving in the early part of this season. Both teams are also winless. I’ll go with Carolina because they had a chance to win last week’s game and lost in overtime.
(3.5) Chicago at Minnesota
A battle of undefeated NFC North teams, I’m tempted to go with Minnesota for a third consecutive week. Even though the Bears are being hyped up for impressive wins against not-so-impressive opponents, I also heard Chicago doesn’t play too well at Minnesota. So what will it be? Shit, I don’t know. I’ll say the Bears snap their Metrodome losing streak, and I hope they do so by more than a field goal.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (1.5)
This one should be interesting. I’ll go with the Bengals simply because they’re pissed off, and last year’s contests had the visiting team win.
Green Bay at Detroit (6.5)
Seriously, who really cares? Since Roy Williams is on my shit list with his inability to back up his guarantees with action, I’m taking the Packers.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis (7.5)
I like Jacksonville. They’re a tough team and beat the crap out of their opponents. In many ways, they remind me of the Houston Oilers of the 1970s; good enough to win, good enough to make the playoffs, but not good enough to beat the top team in their division. Not like I would know, considering I was three-and-a-half years old when the Steelers beat the Oilers 27-13 the last time they met in an AFC Conference Championship. Will this be the year Jacksonville breaks through and upsets the Colts? Could be. If this were a straight-up pick ‘em I’d go with Indianapolis. But because this is involves point spreads, I’m going with Jacksonville.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo (5.5)
Buffalo has been playing tough so far this year, but I’m not sure if they are “tough enough” to have 5.5 points. Then again, these are the Jets. I’ll take Buffalo.
Tennessee at Miami (11.5)
OK, if Miami can’t win this game then they are in a world of hurt. They should win, but not by a large enough score to cover the spread.
(3.5) Washington at Houston
Like Miami above, if Washington can’t win this week then my prediction of them winning the NFC East will look quite foolish. I’ll take Washington, but you know what always happens when you trust those in D.C. do to anything right.
(7.5) Baltimore at Cleveland
Will Baltimore keep their hot streak going? I’ll say sure.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle (3.5)
Will Emily and her band of big blue brothers bamboozle the Pacific powerhouse predators? I hope not, and maybe my picking Seattle might tilt the odds a little bit toward Seattle’s favor.
(6.5) Philadelphia at San Francisco
Philly is going to take out last week’s meltdown on the 49ers.
St. Louis at Arizona (4.5)
St. Louis beat Denver in Week 1 and lost to San Francisco in Week 2. Arizona beat San Francisco in Week 1, so I’ll say they’ll beat the Rams.
Denver at New England (6.5)
Denver has been playing like crap so far, and I’m sure the Pats want to avenge last season’s playoff loss.
(3.5) Atlanta at New Orleans
New Orleans is 2-0 and going back to the Superdome. Will this give them enough mojo for a home win? Nah. Atlanta is in the Deep South, too. What this has to do with winning football games, I don’t know.
• So on the drive home from work today, I noticed the better half had her engagement ring back on her finger. No, we didn’t get into a fight or anything like that (well, at least none that have recently drawn blood). She had a cut on her ring finger and this ring was constantly rubbing up against it, making the boo-boo worse. Because of this, for a week or two she just had her wedding band on while the wound healed. Because women bitch about their men not noticing anything that they do to themselves, I tried to pretend like I actually cared about this particular subject and said, “I see you have your ring back on again.” Her reply: “It’s been on for more than a week now; thanks for noticing.” Now this is usually the part of the conversation where she tastes my knuckles thanks to a devastating right cross, but instead I just said, “Well that’s because I’m always too busy looking at your tits.” I got the Glare of Doom for that one. And here I thought chicks liked to be complimented on their physical appearances. No wonder men and women will never truly understand each other.
• Boy oh boy RIGHT-WING RADIO sure has had a field day with that
Although there are plenty of funny moments, one of my favorite lines is this:
Eight months? LOL – you had EIGHT FUCKING YEARS! Now, for as right-wing as I am, there are two things I routinely defend Clinton on (and one of them sure as hell isn’t his choice of spouses). The first is that alleged Juanita Broderick rape. Sorry, but to bring these kinds of allegations up 30 years after the fact is something I don’t care to bother myself with. The second is saying, “OMG Bill Clinton caused 9/11 by not doing anything during his administration to fight terrorism.” I’m just not going to go there; 9/11 was something that never happened before on U.S. soil and it took all of us by surprise. Sure we probably could have done more in hopes of stopping these terrorist attacks, but could you imagine the shit-fits that would have sprouted had we tried to, for example, implement current airport-screening measures back then? I even give Clinton a pass with the “he could have killed Laden but didn’t,” accusation. I’m sure if he would have lobbed a few rockets at a place intelligence reports claimed that Osama was at and the artillery ended up blowing up, say, an aspirin factory or a Chinese embassy building, there would have been a shitstorm that not even the cBS evening news could have spun in Clinton’s favor (although they certainly would have tried their best), and Bubba’s critics would have been all over him like spooge on a blue dress. There are times when I think back and wonder if perhaps Clinton wasn’t all that bad a guy, and then it’s stuff like this interview that makes me remember why I voted for Bob Dole in ’96 – well, that and the fact Rush told me to.
And while I’m on this topic, I wonder if Rick Lazio would have acted toward Hitlery in their Senate debate years ago in the same fashion Bill acted toward Chris Wallace the other day if the former Congressman would have ended up in Fort Marcy Park with a bullet in the back of his head from an apparent “suicide”?
• Here’s an update on that poor guy who got the shaft, literally. (Background information from my 6/24 entry.)
You should know the routine by now.
Arizona at Atlanta (7.5)
Once again it looks like Arizona is headed down the “Hey many people selected us to be a ‘sleeper’ pick, but we’re still going lose” path. It’s still relatively early in the season to write the Cardinals off, but I’ll take my chances with Atlanta and that seven-and-a-half point spread.
(9.5) Dallas at Tennessee
With all the T.O. talk this week, some may have forgotten that the Cowboys have a game to play on Sunday. And it’s against the powerhouse Titans. I think the real reason Owens wants to play this week is so he can pad his numbers against one of the league’s struggling teams. Either way, I’m betting on Dallas to win, but will they win by more than 10 points? I’d like to go back and review Tennessee’s defeats to see if most of them were close, but then I’d be thinking while making these picks – something I promised not to do. I’ll say sure, why not go with those Cowboys?
(9.5) Indianapolis at N.Y. Jets
The Jets have been a scrappy team so far this year, and although I think Indy will win this game, the question is will they cover the spread. Well, the Jets head coach used to work on a team that had the Colts’ number, but because the Indianapolis offense had a light week against the Jaguars (especially in the first half) I’ll say a well-rested Manning leads his team to a double-digit victory.
(4.5) Miami at Houston
Miami hasn’t looked good all year, and Houston hasn’t look good ever since they entered the league. I’ll say Miami will probably win, but Houston will make it close with the potential for an upset.
Minnesota at Buffalo (1.5)
Interesting match-up. I’m curious to see how the Vikings react to last week’s loss. Will that loss to the Bears carry over into this week? I don’t know, but I’ll guess the Vikings in another upset.
New Orleans at Carolina (7.5)
I think it’s funny the 3-0 Saints are such big underdogs against the 1-2 Panthers. It seems that Carolina starts the season out slow and finishes it hot, so based on that alone I’ll say the Panthers will win. But will they cover the spread? Because the Saints have defeated their other divisional opponents this year, I’ll side with them this week.
(2.5) San Diego at Baltimore
Ben Roethlisberger played his first NFL game against the Ravens in Week 2 of the 2004-2005 season when he replaced an injured Tommy Maddox. If memory serves, he didn’t do too well. After two “tune-up” games, I think Phillip Rivers will experience what Big Ben went through.
San Francisco at Kansas City (7.5)
I think Kansas City will win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say … no.
Detroit at St. Louis (6.5)
I think St. Louis will win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say … sure.
(3.5) Cleveland at Oakland
A true clash of the titans, and neither one is from Tennessee. Oakland has been pitiful this year so far, but are they pitiful enough to have Cleveland be the favored team in the black hole? At least Cleveland played Baltimore tough last week. I’ll go with the Browns.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Washington
Washington had a big win last week, but it was against Houston. Jacksonville has had a hard schedule so far, and when a game at the Washington appears to be the “soft spot” in a team’s first four games, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.
New England at Cincinnati (6.5)
Cincinnati has played well so far this year, and New England has looked vulnerable at times. I have to go with the Bengals, even though I think the Patriots have a chance to make this a close game.
Seattle at Chicago (3.5)
The marquee NFC game of the week, I have a feeling one team will show up to play and the other one won’t. The problem is I don’t know which team will do what. Let’s see, in last year’s playoffs the Panthers crushed the Bears in Chicago, and Carolina got beat down the following week at Seattle. Based on this, I’ll side with the Seahawks.
Green Bay at Philadelphia (11.5)
I don’t see Green Bay winning, but can they at least keep it somewhat close? For some reason, I’m thinking of that horrible overtime interception Favre threw in the 2003-2004 divisional playoffs against Philadelphia a few years ago (at least I’m pretty sure this is the game I’m thinking about). Is that a sign? I’ll say yes.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 52: The Max
This guy had a fling with another poster at this place, and from what I remember she was going to move to his region of the country and live happily ever after. Well, I don’t know what happened to happily ever after, but I’m sure that relationship wasn’t as messy as the aftermath of Hurricane Chuck. Also, he’s more than accommodating when you’re asking questions about NHL ’06.
• I heard on the radio the other day that with the NHL regular season starting up, the Penguins will have three teenagers on the ice for the first time in franchise history. In other news, former congressman Mark Foley is seeing if he's got any shot at a political office in Allegheny County. While I’m on this subject, now Foley says a clergyman molested him as a teen. Uh-huh. Oh, by the way...
OMG FAUX NEWS LOL2006!
• It’s not just congressmen who are using the “I was molested as a kid” excuse. Now this guy who killed those Amish kids said he was molested 20 years ago and that he was feeling the urge to fondle children again. I guess that’s why you brought sex toys with you into the school. Asshole. Why pick on the Amish? They are probably the most harmless people on the face of this earth. You can make fun of them, and how are they going to know? It’s not like they’re going to find out by television, radio or the Internet, and even if word should get out to them they’ll just forgive you anyway. If you want to kill Catholics because Father John touched your privates 30 years ago, or if you want to pick off some Jews because, well, they’re Jews, I’m sure there's a more-than-capable defense lawyer out there who would be able to spin your rough childhood to at least 2-3 members of a jury educated through a government school, but this is the freakin’ Amish. They ride around in horse-drawn buggies. How can you hate that? (Unless of course you are late for work and they are in front of you on a one-lane road.)
• So the U.S. is saying there is “no future” for a nuclear North Korea. Like there’s any kind of future for a non-nuclear North Korea.
• I didn't watch the Tigers/Yankees Game 2, but this is all I needed to know. Ugh.
• Man, if we ever did this in the United States, the National Debt could get wiped out in less than a year.
