• Well yesterday was a bit of a bummer. I spent more than four hours mowing a lawn I had slacked off on for some time, and the grass was too thick to be picked up by my hippie mower. In order not to have huge clumps of foliage scattered throughout my property I had to rake these clippings and manually bag them. Four-plus hours and seven trash bags later, I was finally done. As I was finishing up, my neighbor’s son was doing some yard work for his parents. (You might remember me talking about my neighbor and his policy toward groundhogs.) I asked him how his father was doing because I hadn’t seen him out for a while and I was wondering if he was OK. Turns out he passed away two weeks ago. Ouch. He had been suffering from anemia and it turned into full-blown leukemia; he was taken to the hospital on a Sunday and passed away on a Thursday. This got me the thinking on how I would like to go out – is it better to just get hit with death all of a sudden, or take that extra time and suffer? Would enduring the extra pain be worth it for reflecting one final time on your life? I don’t know the answer to this one, although I’d probably opt for Decision A. When I told the better half what happened to our neighbor later that day, she began to freak out because we didn’t attend his funeral or offer our condolences – I reasoned that as they were rushing him off to the hospital I doubted that “informing the neighbors” was on that family’s list of things to do. Either way, it’s a shame he died. The last time I spoke with him was the previous time I mowed the lawn. I was using a wheelbarrow to haul some stuff out of our shed to the curb for garbage pick-up and we chatted for a few minutes. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about (I do recall making fun of the Pirates though), but I remember him saying something about how if you get a group of women together they’ll gossip about an anthill until it turns into a mountain. RIP Steve – once your wife passes on and your son sells the house, I shudder to think who will be moving in next to us. On the bright side, his son lives next to his parents' house, so the chances of getting somewhat normal neighbors would be good.
• The Penguins kicked off their NHL season last night with a 4-0 victory over the Philadelphia Flyers. What made the evening interesting was a press conference in-between the first two periods with the Pens new owner, Jim Balsillie. I know nothing of this guy, and according to the Penguins Web site he is co-CEO of a company that makes those Blackberry things. While witnessing his press conference, it was amusing to note the number of times he mentioned that the Mellon Arena, which is where the Pens call home, is nearly 50 years old (I counted about a half-dozen references). He also noted that the NHL has stressed, not him, that it is imperative that the Penguins get a new arena; I’m not sure if he’s going to move the team, but if Shittsburgh drags its feet any longer on this arena issue, I wouldn’t blame Balsillie for heading out to Kansas City, Portland, Seattle, or any other city that will give him a better deal. It’s a shame in a way because this town bent over backwards (and the taxpayers bent over forwards) to give new stadiums to the Pirates and Steelers back in the late 1990s. A new arena would make more business sense, in my opinion, because it would be used much more than a football stadium, and unlike PNC Park, since it’s an enclosed structure, an arena is more suitable for year-round use (there are currently 28 events scheduled from October 6 through the end of the year and 51 events scheduled through April 7 of 2007). But then again the Penguins have always been the red-haired stepchild of this region, so why should I be surprised there isn't the same public/media outcry about the need for building a new arena as there was when the Pirates threatened to take their ball and leave?
• I normally don’t remember my dreams, and the ones that I do recall I don’t dare to mention for fear of the better half ever finding out about them. However, since I’m typing this in the early morning, I still have the events of last night freshly lodged in my memory. Every Thursday we change the litter boxes for our three cats – Dessa, JJ and Max. We have four of them scattered throughout the house. One is in the basement, two are in “their” room on the first floor and one is in the upstairs computer room. The two in “their” room are the ones that get the most use, so they get changed every Thursday; the other two get changed every few weeks. This week is my turn to change the litter boxes, and this is what I was doing in my dream. The problem was that the kid from those Grudge and Ju-On movies was running around me as I was trying to complete this task. When I was getting the litter ready to be taken out to the outside curb, I finally yelled to this kid, “Will you get the fuck out of my way?!” He did, and I was waiting for that crawling chick to come down the steps and make that goofy noise she does while sucking the life force out of a person. To my benefit she didn’t show up, but then I woke up with a parched throat and realized that I still had to change the litter boxes in the real world before the garbage truck makes its rounds. Sonofabitch.
One of the things that really sucks about being an adult is your “days off” and “vacations” aren’t quite the same as they were when you were a kid. I had Thursday and Friday of this week off from work, and what did I do? On Thursday, I spent the afternoon doing yard work, and on Friday I spent most of the day cleaning the house. No goofing around; no playing video games (much); no going over to a friend’s house (provided I had any) to goof around and play video games. Nothing. And it only got worse today because for our neighborhood had a garage sale and the better half decided we needed to unload some of our junk onto willing buyers. My experiences with these kinds of sales are limited; back in the day I went to this local flea market a few times to buy sports cards and crappy baseball hats, and that’s about the extent of my flea market/garage sale expertise. Mrs. kkk had agreed to take part of this event and spent all week pricing our junk. Most of the stuff we that were going to pimp were leftover wedding materials (centerpieces, candles, etc.) from our wedding, but she also rummaged through some other trinkets that have been tossed aside. Still sore from two days’ worth of work around the house, I was woken up at 7 this morning and told to get ready for six hours’ of selling. Yippie. After getting a shower, I trudged out to our driveway, where the better half already had our several tables of crap on display. As I stood out there in the brisk autumn air, I thought to myself who seriously stops by these places to engage in this sort of commerce?
As it turned out, quite a bit more people than I had initially thought.
After 10 minutes, people started arriving on our street looking at all the stuff we had deemed worthy for purchase. All in all, it was a successful day – the better half got more than $105 for our crap, but the transaction I will forever remember revolved around a $1 sale involving a VHS tape. We had about a dozen or so VHS tapes out on display; because we had each of these movies on DVD, we figured this might be a good opportunity to unload these tapes. This old guy stopped by and was looking through our titles. And what did he eventually select? Did he select the awesomeness that is one of the three Indiana Jones films? No. Was it "Enemy of the State," a movie I was so-so about, but I’ve heard good reviews from other people I know? Nope. Was it "G.I. Jane," a film that I thought would be a feminazi piece of shit but actually turned out way better than I had expected? Na-ah. What movie did this guy, after reading the back cover of its box, finally decide upon?
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Remember how I said our VHS collection had been upgraded to DVD? Well, I lied. One movie didn’t make the cut, and this was it. Years ago I bought "I Got the Hook Up" because I wanted to see how awful a Master P-produced film could be, and not awful in the “Killer Klowns From Outer Space” awful where “awful” is actually “good.” I’m talking “awful” in “how the fuck did this ever get created?” I think the worst thing about the old guy purchasing this from us is that he’s soon going to watch this piece of shit, remember where it was that he bought it and try to get even by setting our house on fire. I’m praying he got this VHS as a gag or as a gift to his wigger grandson who is kicking it g-style in the heart of suburbia. Another sad facet of this story is that shortly after this old guy left with his prize, these kids came by and bought all of our VHS taps; one of them even pointed out to his one friend that “Don’t be a Menace to South Central while Drinking your Juice in the Hood” was a great movie. At least with this customer I would have known that “I got the Hook up” would have gone to a loving home not to be thrown into the trash after just 10 minutes of viewing.
Here we go for my Week 5 pickkks:
Buffalo at Chicago (7.5)
After their thrashing of the Seahawks, many have now labeled the Bears as the NFL’s team to beat. With that distinction now given to the Monsters of the Midway, I’m taking Buffalo.
Cleveland at Carolina (8.5)
I’m trying to decide which Cleveland Browns team will show up. Will it be the one that snatched victory from the jaws of defeat at Oakland, or the one that snatched defeat from the jaws of victory versus Baltimore? Well, they lose by a touchdown or less in this contest, so I’ll side with snatching defeat from the jaws of a really bad defeat.
Detroit at Minnesota (6.5)
Minnesota will probably win, but can Detroit keep it close? I didn’t hear any Roy Williams guarantee anything this week, so I’ll hope for a close Vikings win or Detroit upset. I also want to see if my theory of “even bad teams have to win sometime” gets proven true in this case.
Miami at New England (10.5)
That’s an awfully big spread, but if I was on the Patriots team, I’d want to beat down the Dolphins as bad as I could, considering many predicted them to be AFC East champs this year.
(3.5) St. Louis at Green Bay
Oh what the hey, I’ll take the Rams in this one.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans (6.5)
I think the Saints will win this game, but will it by six-and-a-half points? The Bucs’ starting quarterback is out, and Gruden does have a complicated offense. I’ll take the Saints on this one.
Tennessee at Indianapolis (18.5)
Eighteen-and-a-half points? Christ. I don’t know what’s funnier: that a point spread is that high for an NFL game, or that I’m still considering taking Indianapolis? I don’t this will be an “upset special,” but I’ll take the Titans. Actually, I’m taking that point spread; I have no faith in Tennessee to win.
Washington at N.Y. Giants (4.5)
I don’t know which way to go in this one – take the team with an extra week to prepare, or go with the team who is coming off an emotional victory? Although there may be a “letdown” effect, I’ll take the Redskins because the Giants are favored.
(3.5) Kansas City at Arizona
The last time the Chiefs played a crappy NFC West team, I thought the 49ers would make a game out of it. They didn’t. I don’t have that same faith in the Cardinals, even though they’re playing in that ultra-fancy new stadium.
N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville (7.5)
I don’t know which way to go in this game. Normally I’d go with Jacksonville, but that point spread has me thinking J-E-T-S. Well, the Jets lost by three at home to Indianapolis last week, I’ll go with them this week to lose by less than a touchdown. But wait a second. Coles is hurt, and Pennington will probably get hurt. I'm calling an audible on this one.
Oakland at San Francisco (3.5)
A real Game of the Week contender if ever there was one. I’ll take the Raiders just because the 49ers are favored.
Dallas at Philadelphia (2.5)
Did you all know T.O. is coming back to Philly this week? If anything, it’ll be amusing to see the Eagles fans react to Owens. I’ll take the Cowboys in this one, if only to see what Owens does after he scores a touchdown or two.
Pittsburgh at San Diego (3.5)
I’m curious to see how the Steelers rebound after losing two consecutive games. I don’t think they’ll win, but they could. Plus the Chargers are giving up three-and-a-half points.
Baltimore at Denver (4.5)
If this were a straight-up pick ‘em contest I’d take Denver. Because of the point spread, I’ll side with Baltimore, even though I think this is the week where they get one in the loss column.
• One of the fun things about watching a movie you’ve already seen with someone who’s viewing it for the first time is listening to their guesses about how the film’s plot will unfold. A few nights ago the better half and I were watching “Saw.” While I had already seen this film several times already, this was her virgin excursion. Warning: SPOILERZ AHEAD. Toward the end where that orderly was being chased by Danny Glover’s character, Mrs. kkk began saying how there just had to be more than one person in on this conspiracy to put people in death contraptions. I just let her continue with her hypothesis of who the real killers were. When it was finally revealed that there was only one Jigsaw, and he was that patient in the hospital, without missing a beat she said, “I knew it had to be that old guy all along.” That old guy who was only shown on screen for about a second lying on a hospital bed? Uh-huh. In regards to the actual movie itself, I didn’t think “Saw” was that bad. It wasn’t as great as some people made it out to be, but it was nice for what it was. I haven’t seen the two sequels yet; “Saw II” is one of those films I’ll get around to one of these days, and I’m not even thinking about the third installment. Oh, and here’s a tip for all married guys – even when you are describing anyone of the opposite sex just to help your better half identify who this person is, don’t do it. Now I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but whenever the better half has asked me which celebrities do I think are attractive, I keep my mouth shut. However, last night I was off my A Game. Here’s the conversation that took place during “Saw’s” opening credits:
Learn from my mistakes. Lord knows I make enough of them.
• So it looks like Joe Torre is getting a stay of execution from George Steinbrenner. Whatever. I don’t care. Actually, I thought it’d be funny to have Lou Pinella come in and tear some shit up; it worked for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers when Tony Dungy got fired from that team and they brought in John Gruden. Now I’m a huge Dungy fan, but that team just couldn’t get to the next level. Tony took a historically terrible franchise and turned it around to where it was a playoff contender. However, whenever playoff time came, the Bucs just couldn’t get it done. When Gruden came in, he lit a fire just long enough to give Tampa Bay its first Super Bowl win. So even if Torre got fired this off-season in favor of Hothead Lou, I might not have agreed with the front-office decision, but I would have understood it.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This 19-year old girl says that she’s been seeing this guy off-and-on for three years and now she’s knocked up. Mr. Right says that he wants to see other people and has sex with other women before coming back home to have sex with her. When asked why she’s with this guy, the caller’s response is, “he said he loves me.” When the subject of getting that baby to an adoption agency comes up, the caller replies that she has “other ideas” because “my sister had one when she was 16.” Oh, and also because Mr. Right has told the caller that he wants to be there for the baby, too.
Might as well get this over and done with.
Buffalo at Chicago (7.5). Incorrect.
It looks like the Bears were better and the Bills not as scrappy as I had once thought. I’m curious to see if Chicago can keep this good play going through the regular season and into the playoffs.
Cleveland at Carolina (8.5). Correct.
I knew the Browns weren’t going to win, but my theory of them scoring on their last drive to get within the 8.5 needed to secure a victory for me was correct. Congrats Romeo Crennel for going for the field goal late to cut the Panther lead to eight points instead of wasting four downs trying to get a touchdown.
Detroit at Minnesota (6.5). Incorrect.
Goddamnit. Everything was going according to plan until the Lions began playing like they were, well, the Lions.
Miami at New England (10.5). Incorrect.
Lost by half-a-point. Well, that evens out the Cleveland win I had earlier.
(3.5) St. Louis at Green Bay. Incorrect.
Lost by half-a-point. Well, that makes the Cleveland win I had earlier all but a distant memory.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans (6.5). Incorrect.
I’m surprised that back-up quarterback for Tampa Bay did as well as he did. Was that because he’s that good or the Saints defense is that unreliable?
Tennessee at Indianapolis (18.5). Correct.
Wow, I thought the Titans would lost by double digits, not by a single digit. Either way I look smart (at least for this game). For Indy’s sake, I hope the Colts are just on cruise control and not reeling from last year’s playoff loss and the departure of Edgerrin James. Actually, if I had to get rid of one of Indy’s “Big Three” (Manning, James or Harrison), it would have been James. I’m starting to wonder if this might be Indy’s year to go to the Super Bowl. Back in the 1994-1995 season, everyone thought the Steelers would be headed to the big game, but they got beat by a Chargers team in the Conference Championship game. The next year, with just a fraction of the hype, they made it only to lose to the Cowboys. I’m getting a similar vibe with the Colts this year that I had with the Steelers of the 1955-1996 season.
Washington at N.Y. Giants (4.5). Incorrect.
Any week Emily wins is a bad week.
(3.5) Kansas City at Arizona. Incorrect.
The Chiefs demolish the 49ers at home, squeak by the Cardinals on the road and Arizona defeated San Francisco several weeks ago. I guess that’s why they place the games. Christ, now I just made a Chris Berman remark.
N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville (7.5). Correct.
Nice to be with the winning team during a blowout contest.
Oakland at San Francisco (3.5). Incorrect.
This is like the “Cripple Fight” of the NFL.
Dallas at Philadelphia (2.5). Incorrect.
Even though Philly played a much better game, Dallas managed to stay in it until the very end. I heard later Owens was acting like, Owens. I heard some talk about how Drew Bledsoe can’t win the big game, which is interesting to me because I remember him coming in for an injured Tom Brady in an AFC Conference Championship game at Pittsburgh a few years back and played rather well.
Pittsburgh at San Diego (3.5). Incorrect.
I went to bed at halftime. When I turned on the local news the next morning, the top story was the loss and whether or not Big Ben should have been pulled during the game. Let the “Roethlisberger Sucks” talk begin.
Baltimore at Denver (4.5). Incorrect.
I was right about Baltimore losing. I was wrong about the point spread. Shit, and I thought I had the Broncos in this one, too. C’est la vie.
This week’s record: 3-11. Cumulative record: 34-40.
Ouch. But at least I still have a better winning percentage (.459) than the Raiders, along with 13 other teams in the league.
• At least I now know how Al Keiper will be going out, and it will be in style. Wonder if the Phillies will win a World Series by the time his expiration date arrives?
• My question here is who would go to an event called the “Turkey Testicle Festival”? And if you go, I sure as hell wouldn't be eating any of the available food for sale. Then again, it couldn't be as bad as hot dogs.
Below is the article’s next paragraph. I’m willing to bet that one of the dozen cities the councilman mentions below is San Francisco.
• I hate to side with the commies on this one, but complaining about a bumper sticker titled “I’m tired of all the BUSHIT” and giving someone a fine for displaying this phrase on his or her car is stupid. Almost as stupid as the same person who gets fined then sues for PUNITIVE damages over the whole ordeal. (I think I've seen that sticker around the Shittsburgh area -- I know I've seen "Duck Fubya" and "Buck Fush" a few times. What offends me most about these stickers isn't the message but rather the lack of creativity. Then again this is a union town, so I don't expect much effort put forth into anything other than trying to find excuses not to work.)
• I don’t really give a shit about Bono. I don’t really give a shit about Bono wanting to save money. But when Bono lectures one country for not spending enough money on Africa, then moves his funds from that country to another one with a lower tax rate, I start giving a shit. Well, maybe “giving a shit” is too strong a word – how about finding the whole thing “post worthy”?
• I don’t really care about the political stuff in this article. It’s just when I read this I picture a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons enthusiasts fighting about how someone’s Level 15 thief failed a Save v. Poison roll while opening a treasure chest and died despite the wizard in the party casting a “Detect Traps” spell in the previous round. Then again, the fact I know what this shit means depresses me. Oh fuck it, I’ll embrace my D&D roots. I was always a fan of elves because they could use most weapons and cast spells. Two-handed weapons, if memory serves, were out of the question, but I never liked them anyway because they took too much time to swing.
(1.5) Buffalo at Detroit. Correct.
Like I’ve said before, every team has to win at least one game per season, except for maybe the Raiders.
Carolina at Baltimore (3.5). Incorrect.
I should have known better that one little injury to a starter isn’t going to stop the Panthers. Well, unless that person injured is Steve Smith.
(6.5) Cincinnati at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
Wow. Not only did the Bengals fail to cover, but they actually lost the game.
Houston at Dallas (13.5). Correct.
If the Cowboys just played teams from Texas, or teams that used to call the Lonestar State home, they’d be unstoppable. But then again, which team wouldn’t be?
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta (3.5). Correct.
I don’t even remember picking the Giants. While I’m on this subject, Tiki Barber recently announced that this may be his last year playing in the NFL. While I’ve heard many people on ESPN saying, “Noooooo, stay a few more years and you'll be a sure-fire Hall of Famer,” I say good for Tiki. I actually thought this would be the season where his skills plummet and his body breaks down from years of wear and tear. It looks like I’m probably wrong in guessing this was the year Barber crashes and burns, but being a running back in your early 30s usually means it’s time to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure Barber knows his own body better than any of us, and if he wants to go out on top of his game, then I say good for him. Let’s see him and someone like Jerome Bettis or Eddie George 30 years from now try to walk up a flight of steps and then decide who make the best choice regarding knowing when to leave the NFL playing field. Then again this could all be a big scam for him to get more money out of his contract. If that's the case, then fuck him. Nah, I can't hate a brotha for wanting to get paid.
(3.5) Philadelphia at New Orleans. Incorrect.
Nuts. The Eagles were prime for an upset, what with their big win against Dallas the week before. Oh well. The Saints earned this one. Goof for them.
(3.5) Seattle at St. Louis. Incorrect.
Shit. Seattle won, but didn’t cover. That’s a loss to me. Bastards.
Tennessee at Washington (10.5). Correct.
Damn, I was expecting this game to be close, but I didn’t Tennessee would win. Guess Washington is in more trouble that I originally thought.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh (6.5). Incorrect.
Ouch. This one hurt almost as much as that tackle Larry Johnson put on Troy Polamalu by throwing him down by the hair. And what was Johnson supposed to do – let Troy run in for the touchdown? If your hair is down to the point where it covers the name on the back of your jersey, then it’s fair game.
Miami at N.Y. Jets (2.5). Correct.
As every week passes, it’s more and more amazing to think that Miami was predicted to be a Super Bowl contender. Well, they could always win their last seven games. Again.
(10.5) San Diego at San Francisco. Correct.
It’s so much better being on the winning end of a lopsided game than having it be the other way.
Oakland at Denver (15.5). Incorrect.
Denver may have “lost,” but Oakland still keeps that perfect record in tact.
(11.5) Chicago at Arizona. Incorrect.
Talk about a meltdown. I turned on the television and saw the last play of the third quarter. (Or was it second-to-last? No matter.) Seeing Matt Leinart get sacked and the Chicago defense taking the fumbled ball in for a touchdown got me thinking that this game could be interesting to watch. I was right. Oakland may be the worst team out there, but the Cardinals are the most pathetic franchise in the NFL and one of the worst in all of sports. Then again, they got a new stadium and will make a buttload of cash, so who cares what the on-field product is like when you got a phat check coming in thanks to revenue sharing?
This week’s record: 6-7. Cumulative record: 40-47.
Hey, I’m only a touchdown’s worth of picks behind. The Bears made up more than that in the fourth quarter of their game Monday night, and I’m only headed into Week 7. Oh who am I kidding? This is only going to get worse.
Well today was fun. Like I said yesterday, I am dealing with a cold. It’s nothing major – just a 100-101 fever – but when you’re going into work for nine hours, it feels much worse. On the bright side of things, I was the only one in the building today. After I coughed on a few keyboards and licked several computer screens that belonged to my co-workers, I went about doing the job thing. That was at 11 a.m. Fast forward to 8:15 p.m. I did what I wanted to do. Got to pimp in my sweatpants, scratch the stubble on my unshaven face and listen to music that is normally inappropriate for the workplace. So far so good. Then I started the commute home.
My usual workday schedule is 6:30 a.m. – 3 p.m., and this is because most days I am able to avoid rush-hour traffic. Sure there can be some minor backups, but nothing like the way it is at 9 a.m. or 5 p.m. Normally it would only take me 45 minutes one way during a normal workday, but since the better half and I carpool this extended trip usually eats up another 15 minutes. No biggie. After all, we’re saving on gas, parking (Mrs. kkk would otherwise have to park in the city with one of the highest, if not the highest, parking tax in the country) and general wear and tear on two automobiles; seeing how one of our cars is an ’88 Corsica with 140,000+ miles, let’s just say that “Crappy the White Car” (what my 9-year-old nephew-in-law calls our secondary vehicle) has survived well past his normal expiration date. Now one of the plusses of working weekends is that there is virtually no traffic and I oftentimes can get to work in just 30 minutes on these special occasions.
I think you know where I’m going with this here entry.
I got into the car and started my journey home. The first leg of my commute went fine. I got on and off the Parkway West and headed onto the second leg of the trip, which is the Parkway East. Now if traffic is REALLY backed up on this disaster of a road, I am able to get off at a Shittsburgh exit, drive through the city and end up on Rt. 30, which is the final major road on my adventure home. Sure it takes a little longer, but it’s still more efficient than sitting in gridlock on this interstate highway. Well tonight, right after I passed this exit, which is like my “last chance stop” from taking the Parkway East I saw all those rear red lights.
Oh, fuck.
Whenever I run into gridlock I sometimes like to look at the clock and time how much time I spent in the traffic jam. The time was 8:23 p.m. As I sat in this traffic I began wondering what was going on: Was there an accident? Did some major social event just conclude? Wait a second, this is Shittsburgh. OK, where is the accident? As I took out “The History of the Clash, Disc 2” from the CD player I suddenly had the local RIGHT-WING RADIO station on, and there was a live broadcast of the Shitt v. Rutgers college football game. Christ, I forgot that this game was an evening contest. Wait a second, it was early in the fourth quarter and Pitt was driving for a touchdown; no way this traffic from that game. And there go two police cars with their lights on. SHIT! A few miles pass and still now sign of an accident. Hell, I don’t even see the flashing lights in the distance. I was hoping the accident took place at a merge point that’s right next to the Squirrel Hill Tunnels. I can pass the scene, view the carnage and shoot through the tunnels. I used to not look at accident scenes, but now I figure if I have to be stuck in traffic for an unspecified period of time then I get a free glance at what was delaying my ride home. Uh-oh. The yellow caution lights are flashing right before the tunnels, and there is still no accident, or flashing lights, in sight.
It is now 8:50 p.m. and I’m in the middle of tunnels. Oh please don’t let a car in front of me break down. You know what pisses me off about automobile accidents? You don’t know who to get pissed off at. In most accidents there’s usually an asshole that caused the accident and then the victim that has his or her car totaled. I’m not going to blame that person, but I so want to throw a piece of chewing gum at or give the middle finger to the NASCAR driver wanna-be who thought a two lane road was actually the Talageda Speedway. I think there should be a law that if you recklessly drive and cause an accident, then you owe everyone who was stuck in your mess a full tank of gasoline. Well I’m now out of the tunnels, and my greatest fear was revealed. The flashing lights are another mile or two down the road at this other exit that has a dangerous merge point. But a funny thing happened on my way to the flashing lights – there was no accident. Or at least there was no accident in view. But I did notice that the Swissvale exit, which is right before that aforementioned merge point, was experiencing a backup of monumental proportions. So there was no accident on the Parkway and the backup I’ve been experiencing for the 40+ minutes was because of this?! You got to be shitting me. Once I got past this exit there was NO TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD. Where the fuck did all these cars that were in front of me wind up going? You know, when you live near a shit-town one of the perks is that there shouldn’t be these kinds of traffic stoppages. Oh, and the Panthers lost. Was there any doubt? You can’t play the freakin’ Citadel every week.
Anyway, once I got off the Parkway it was 9:10 p.m. – my commute home so far has reached 55 minutes, and I still had to go onto Rt. 30. Who knows what excitement lurks here? Surprisingly, this leg of my trip wasn’t too bad. However, that was because I was mostly in the left-hand lane for the whole time. There’s this one stretch of road that for some reason cars just break down at, and this is not a good spot to break down. Now it’s dark out and the speed limit is 45 mph, which means most everyone is going at least 15 mph above that. I noticed the broken down car in the righ-hand lane, and then I noticed a car behind me swerving into the left lane to avoid it, almost hitting another vehicle in the process. And the best part was there were no flares. Nobody trying to warn other motorists. Just a car with blinking lights. I thanked my lucky stars I was leaving this soon-to-be accident scene. Oddly enough, a few miles down the road I saw a police car and ambulance speed by me going toward where that broken-down car was located.
I finally got home at 9:30 p.m. What was normally a 40-to-45-minute drive at this time of night took twice as long to complete. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to get off at that Swissvale exit. I'm still pondering whether to return to the office tomorrow. At least the Steelers are playing at Atlanta Sunday.
• Before I get on with my NFL pickkks this week, what the hell is up with fast-food customers allegedly finding human body parts in their food? A year or so ago there was that infamous finger-in-the-chili incident at Wendy’s which turned out to be nothing more than a scam. Now there are allegations of a Subway in California selling finger foods.
• Seventh verse same as the first.
Carolina at Cincinnati (3.5)
Cincinnati lost last week at Tampa Bay, got whipped at home against New England a few weeks back. Carolina seems to win a lot on the road, so I’ll take the Panthers in this one.
Detroit at N.Y. Jets (3.5)
The Lions won their game for the season, and now it’s back to losing. Besides, Detroit’s baseball team lost Game 1 of the World Series last night, so the bad mojo will carry over to the Lions.
Green Bay at Miami (4.5)
Miami is favored? By four-and-a-half points? I have to pick the Packers.
(9.5) Jacksonville at Houston
Nine-and-a-half points is a bunch, but I’ll side with the Jags on this one.
(5.5) New England at Buffalo
Buffalo played the Pats tough earlier this season, but New England has been playing well as of late and the Bills have struggled as of late.
(5.5) Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
Will the Eagles lose two games in a row to the NFC South? Will the Buccaneers win two games in a row? I’ll take the first option.
(2.5) Pittsburgh at Atlanta
Mark Madden has predicted an easy Steelers win, and if Mark is taking the Steelers for the win that’s saying something.
(5.5) San Diego at Kansas City
This Chiefs got whopped last week, but now they’re playing at home against a divisional foe. I’ll still go with the Chargers nevertheless.
(5.5) Denver at Cleveland
The Broncos couldn’t cover the spread against the Raiders, but could that have been in part to Oakland being in the same division as Denver? I’ll say sure and take Denver.
(3.5) Arizona at Oakland
Talk about clash of the titans – and Vince Young is nowhere to be seen. I’ll say this about the NFL: when games match up two good teams the games are very very good, but when the match ups are with bad teams the games are horrid. Leinart played well enough Monday night against the Bears to beat the Raiders.
Minnesota at Seattle (7.5)
The Seahawks haven’t been playing as well without Shaun Alexander in the starting lineup, but they are playing at home. I think Seattle will win, but it will be close.
Washington at Indianapolis (9.5)
Will the Colts sleepwalk through this contest? I don’t know. I’ll take Washington, although I hope they snap out of their recent funk.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas (3.5)
Dallas has played well against the Hostons and Tennessees of the league, but how about the better teams? I’ll take New York and hope they don’t do a repeat of their stinker of a game up in Seattle earlier this season.
Holy cow that's a lot of road teams. No wonder I'm terrible at this.
Most of the time I can’t stand the media, but I don’t know which is worse: national or local press. You’ve got the national media that never leaves their news offices in New York City or Washington, D.C., and thinks that anyone who doesn’t live in these two regions is in flyover country. Then again, you’ve got the other side of the coin with local media and the stupid stories that appear at roughly the same every year. On the commute home this afternoon I was listening to a local top-of-the-hour newscast, and one of the top stories was about people in the southwestern Pennsylvania area seeing the first snowflakes of the season. Christ almighty, these so-called reporters were even asking these people what the snowflakes looked like. They looked like snow you assholes. But this isn’t as bad as whenever the price of gasoline rises and these on-the-scene reporters ask people filling up their SUVs how they feel about the sudden jump in gas prices. What the fuck do you expect to get? “You know, I was thinking just the other day that I wasn’t paying enough for my 93 Premium.” Of course you’re going to get a bunch of nimrods going, “RAAAAR I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE RAAAAR!” Another favorite “story” is whenever the local cable company raises rates and the newscasters act like this is some breaking story. “OMG HOLD ON TO YOUR WALLETS CABLE PRICES ARE GOING UP BY 10 PERCENT!!” Christ, it’s only a few dollars; it’s not that big a deal, and if it is then your household has other problems and shouldn’t even be ordering cable in the first place. Put down the food stamps and use your cable money for something else.
Whenever I was in college, a similar event took place every spring when the cost of tuition for the next school year would increase. Yeah, like this ever came as a surprise; the real story would be if tuition went DOWN for one year. This reminds me of a story back during my school newspaper days when there was this announced tuition increase that also included another provision that basically eliminated subsidies for students who were not commuter students but didn’t live in the dorms. Basically these freeloaders were taking financial aid just for living in apartments in the city, but with the shitty dorms in the college I attended for two-and-a-half years who could blame any of these kids? Then again, with the school’s dorms always only one-half to three-fourths full, why should this college be giving money to students to live elsewhere? Shit, after I stopped to read what this new policy was, I actually gained a little bit of respect for the college’s administration for cutting off the moochers. Shit, the dorm vacancies were so bad our college was accepting students from the area’s one culinary school to live in the dorms. It was funny seeing these poor students, who would spend all day in hell’s kitchen, bitch to one another about having to go back into their stuffy, dilapidated dorm rooms. Well anyway, our school paper did an article about this new policy, which was basically a re-write of an article some real reporter in a real newspaper room wrote the week before. Of course, when it came time to write our newspaper’s editorial on the matter, it was funny to see the reaction some of our profs had when our opinion didn’t favor the students. I think part of our anti-student opinion stemmed from the fact most of us who wrote the piece were commuter students and didn’t give a fuck about some freeloader getting a subsidy to live away from the dorms when there was more than enough space for them to get their ass in one of these rooms. Hey, that’s part of that whole “college experience” I missed out on because I lived with mommy and worked 40+ hours per week.
...
Where the hell was I going with this?
• Well, I have for all intents and purposes gotten over this bug in me for the last week or so. And where am I going tonight? Why, to some hippie event dealing with an historical battle that took place around this region (either the Revolutionary or Civil War). On top of that, the better half and I will be taking our one niece and nephew. Oh, and I have I mentioned that the weather is absolutely shitty and it will probably be raining? You have no idea how difficult it is in controlling the erection I'm having over going to this.
• I watched this weeks’ South Park, and saw the Steve Irwin joke, which made its way to the Drudge Report via a British newspaper article citing the poor taste Trey Parker and Matt Stone displayed by including the Crocodile Hunter in Satan’s big Halloween Spectacular. It’s South Park – what do you expect? Besides, the joke wasn’t all that offensive; in fact, I thought it was rather tame. (I’m sure longtime fans of the show will remember Irwin getting chopped to bits in a previous episode dealing with sending a “primate” back to his time of 1996.) All in all, this episode was there and wasn’t as good as the last few episodes of this season. Then again, an “eh” episode of South Park is still better than just about anything else I watch, so I’m not complaining.
• Here are my NFL Week 8 pickkks:
Arizona at Green Bay (3.5)
After last week’s debacle, I’m surprised that the point spread is only three-and-a-half points.
Atlanta at Cincinnati (4.5)
I’m not sure which way to go on this one. Atlanta runs the ball and one of Cincinnati’s weak points is run defense. However, I’m sure the Bengals won’t have problems passing the ball. Shoot. I’ll go with the Falcons.
Baltimore at New Orleans (2.5)
Every time I have doubted the Saints they proved me wrong. Now it’s time to ruin their Cinderella story by picking them to win a game.
Houston at Tennessee (3.5)
I have no clue. Um, I’ve heard David Carr is having a good year, so I’ll take his team.
Jacksonville at Philadelphia (6.5)
Which Jaguar team will show up -- the one that beat the Redskins in overtime and shut down the Steelers offense, or the one that lost to the Texans last week? I’ll go with the Eagles.
Seattle at Kansas City (6.5)
Both teams will be starting their backup quarterbacks. I’ll go with Kansas City because they’re at home and plus their starting running back is playing.
San Francisco at Chicago (16.5)
Give me the Bears and the spread. The 49ers burned me against Kansas City a few weeks back when I thought they would manage to keep that game somewhat competitive.
Tampa Bay at N.Y. Giants (9.5)
I think the Giants will win, but Tampa Bay has been playing teams close the last few weeks.
St. Louis at San Diego (9.5)
Like the game above, I think the Chargers will win, but I’m hoping the Rams keep the game close.
Indianapolis at Denver (2.5)
I’m interested to see how the Colts play this game. This may also be a game to determine who gets home field advantage throughout the playoffs.
N.Y. Jets at Cleveland (1.5)
I can’t think of a reason why the Jets will win.
(9.5) Pittsburgh at Oakland
For the Steelers’ sake I hope they win, but I’m not sure if they will do it by 9-plus points.
Dallas at Carolina (5.5)
The Cowboys have been feasting on bad teams, but whenever they match up against a good franchise their weaknesses show. I don’t think Romo will have a fun day, either.
(2.5) New England at Minnesota
Finally, a Monday Night Football game I’m interested in watching. I think the Patriots’ defense will stifle the Viking offense just enough for New England to win by more than a field goal.
Well, since today is the big “H” day, I figured it might as well be appropriate to look back at my childhood and remember how I dealt with this special time. I always liked Halloween, and it was for the same reason ninety-nine percent of kids across America did – for the free candy. Well, it isn’t exactly free; you have to sport a costume and walk from house to house demanding sweets. I tried to remember some of my old costumes, and here is what I came up with, in no particular order:
Early-to-mid-1980s: My mom sewed a badass Star Wars X-Wing Pilot outfit. I think I remember her getting some how-to kit and making it herself, but in the end I didn’t care because I got to pimp around in an orange-and-white outfit with a blaster at my side. Throughout the original Star Wars trilogy, I was always more partial to Han Solo than to Luke Skywalker (what heterosexual kid isn’t?), but on this night it didn’t matter because for a few hours I was a friggin’ X-Wing Pilot.
Early-to-mid-1980s: I can’t remember whose idea this was, but one my old man took a huge box, shaped it up and covered it in yellow duct tape. Who was I? Pac Man. Again, this was one of those costumes I remember from my childhood simply because it was unique. There was one problem: the eye slit that was cut for me so I would see when I walked really limited my point of view (and forget about any peripheral vision). In addition, the box had a narrow opening at its bottom, and because of this it didn’t let me walk at my normal stride; I also remembered being sore as hell the next morning. If Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde (or whatever the names of those ghosts were) came looking for me, I would have been s.o.l. But who cares? For a few hours I was friggin’ Pac-Man.
There are two more costumes I remember sporting, and both dealt with movie characters from movies I loved back as a kid and still enjoy today. One was Eliot Ness. This get-up was easy. I wore a suit and those gangsta hats, along with a pellet shotgun and pistol – and neither one had that gay-ass orange barrel that toy guns today have on them. Another year I was dressed up as one of those marines from the “Aliens” movie. For those that have seen this film, I fancied myself as being the Hudson character, which, in the moments before his death, went batshit and began cussing at all the creepy crawlers before he was eventually done in. Now that’s a role model for the youth.
Sadly, what I associate most with Halloween now are the Christmas displays a number of stores now put out this time of the year. As a kid, the fall/winter holiday season broke up into three different sections for me: Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s a bit depressing to see these three events snowball into one because when I was a kid, each one had significance for me. Halloween was for candy. Thanksgiving was for turkey. Christmas was for presents. Now these lines have been blurred to the point where anything after Labor Day is like one huge holiday where people dressed up in witches’ outfits with drumstick in their mouths are opening gift-wrapped boxes. Then again, maybe it has always been this way and I just don’t remember. Either way, I really don’t care.
Because for a few minutes I got to remember that for a few hours I was once a friggin’ X-Wing Pilot.
• This ain't going to be pretty.
Arizona at Green Bay (3.5). Correct.
This was a gimmie game. However, with my record so far this season I will take all the easy ones I can get.
Atlanta at Cincinnati (4.5). Incorrect.
Ah, shit. Here’s what I said when predicting this game:
But the Bengals are in boldface. Whatever should I do? Well, I go with the bolded team. Goddamnit. The funny thing is I don’t even remember making this week’s picks. I’m almost afraid to look at the rest of these selections.
Baltimore at New Orleans (2.5). Incorrect
I was right. Kinda.
Houston at Tennessee (3.5). Incorrect
Well, I was right when I said while predicting this game that “I have no clue.”
Jacksonville at Philadelphia (6.5). Incorrect.
This ain’t good.
Seattle at Kansas City (6.5). Correct.
Christ, and the Chiefs only covered by half-a-point.
San Francisco at Chicago (16.5). Correct.
Hooray for Chicago. When they play crappy teams they can sure beat the hell out of them.
Tampa Bay at N.Y. Giants (9.5). Incorrect.
What a great time for the Bucs to let a team walk all over them. Faggots.
St. Louis at San Diego (9.5). Correct
The hell? Here’s what I said when predicting this matchup.
Yet I had the Bolts in boldface.
Indianapolis at Denver (2.5). Incorrect.
Depending on how the Colts play against the Patriots, I think this just might be their year.
N.Y. Jets at Cleveland (1.5). Incorrect.
What the hell? Here was my prediction line regarding this game:
Well, at least I was right in my statement.
(9.5) Pittsburgh at Oakland. Correct.
I feel bad for Ben Roethlisberger because I felt he should have never been out on the field this week. The Steelers defense gave up only six points and Ben threw two touchdown passes for the other team. I hope he can rebound from this shitty year, not to mention that off-season from hell. I always liked Ben because he was one of those quarterbacks that just had “it.” Now you need to add a “sh” to the start of that word. Hopefully it’s only for this season.
Dallas at Carolina (5.5). Incorrect.
And the Panthers will have two weeks to stew about this stinker.
(2.5) New England at Minnesota. Correct.
I watched the first part of this game and when Johnson threw that interception near the end zone, I knew the Vikings were doomed.
This week’s record: 6-8. Cumulative record: 53-61
I was only two games under .500 this week? Hell, I’ll take it.
• In other sports news. The Pirates, much to the surprise of the baseball world, passed on picking up the $6 million option on outfielder Jeremy Burnitz. Oh, and the Penguins are 7-3 with Evgeni Malkin scoring seven goals in his first six games. I’m hoping the Pens have a good season so that way all the city so-called leaders can look like even bigger schmucks than they do already when this young team heads off to a city that actually has a decent arena for them to play in. For those that don’t know, Malkin was the Pens’ top draft pick in 2004, but thanks in part to the recent NHL lockout he signed with some Russian team. During the off-season, Malkin defected and there is a brouhaha going on between the Russian team and the NHL. I doubt he’ll be able to keep up this torrid goal-scoring pace through a grueling 80+ game season, but if Malkin can stick it to city officials who don’t give a shit about their NHL franchise and also give the bird to his old Russian team, then I might just have to go get his jersey or something. Actually, I think I’ll wait until the Pens end up in Kansas City, Portland or Seattle before buying ol’ “71.” Oh who am I kidding? I’ve only purchased one jersey in my life and that was more than 10 years ago.
So I was surfing through the Free Movie selection from my Comcast On Demand service, and I came across a gem that I had forgotten all about -- Alien Nation. No, it’s not about Mexicans. It’s about these space people that find their way to earth and are trying to fit in. While this was pretty much a “buddy cop” movie between an earthling and one of aliens, it was interesting to see how a number of the newcomers tried to mesh with human society. This film spawned a TV series on FOX back in the late 1980s, of which I regularly watched. I don’t remember much of the television series other than the series ended on a rather sad cliffhanger. (I heard there was another movie made after the TV series, but I’m not certain.) I remember watching this show for a few years, and to have it end (if memory serves) with some humans plotting a mass extermination was kind of a bummer. There is another memory from the television show that I do remember, and that is when the human cop tells his alien partner about some of the greatest baseball squads of all time, and one of the teams he makes a reference to was a futuristic Pirates team from the mid-1990s. Wow, this really was a fictional program. But I digress.
As I watched this movie again (I also saw it years ago, but didn’t remember anything plot-wise), I was reminded of all the things about the television show that for some reason I found entertaining (and still do). The aliens giving themselves “goofy” names (the alien cop in this movie was named “Sam Francisco”), aliens getting drunk off of sour milk and their fear of salt water because it was the equivalent of acid to their touch (which begged the question why these people would settle next to the Pacific Ocean). I also liked the cross-cultural references such as this one involving the human cop, named Matthew Sykes, goofing on Sam’s name, to which Sam replies, “I'm sure it doesn't bother you at all that (your last name) sounds like "ss'ai k'ss," two words in my language which mean "excrement" and "cranium … Shithead.”
For some reason, I looked up what Roger Ebert said about this movie, and for all the crap he awards three/four stars, I was surprised he only gave this film two stars. Here’s an excerpt from his mostly negative review:
N*gga plz. One reason I liked this movie is because it didn’t deal with any of that shit, although I did notice a few references to (d), which didn’t detract from the film at all. There’s only 90 minutes to flush out a story, and if (b) or (c ) would have been used it probably would have been poorly done. Oh, and the Newcomers were concealing something; the effects of that narcotic the big bad guy in this movie was trying to move out onto the alien masses (go watch the movie if you don’t know what I’m talking about).
On a side note, when I was scanning the other available free movies I came across a SPECIAL EDITION of Dances with Wolves with more than ONE HOUR of extra footage. OK, even though this film is about the hippie Indians and how the evil white man drove them from their land and all that other shit, I still like this movie. However, do we really need an extra hour added to this film, whose theatrical version is already three hours long?
Let's see if this week I can match up the teams I pick to win/cover with what I actually say beneath each game.
(5.5) Atlanta at Detroit
The Falcons upset the Bengals last week, and I'm a little wary of them having one of those “letdown” games. Good thing they’re playing the Lions this week, or I’d be more worried about that 5.5 spread.
Cincinnati at Baltimore (3.5)
I’ve been going back and forth with this one. You’ve got Cincinnati’s offense versus Baltimore’s defense. Whenever there’s a matchup like this, I usually flip the roles and compare the other units for this game (well that sounded a little gay). So, how will Baltimore’s offense matchup against Cincinnati’s defense? Hmm, I’ll go with the Ravens, although I don’t like that point spread.
(3.5) Dallas at Washington
The Redskins have been a schizophrenic team this year, and this is a divisional contest on their home field. However, the Cowboys impressively beat the Panthers last week on the road and defeated the Redskins earlier this year, so I’ll give Dallas the benefit of the doubt in this matchup.
Green Bay at Buffalo (3.5)
At the end of this season the Packers will probably look vastly improved from last year’s dismal effort. This is because they are beating crappy teams on their schedule. Shit, my first instinct was going with Green Bay, but now I’m starting to lean toward Buffalo. I better skip to the next entry before I change my mind 20 times on this one.
Houston at N.Y. Giants (13.5)
I’m sure the Giants will win this game, but will it be by two touchdowns? They’re playing the Texans. They’re playing at home. I’ll go with the G-men this week.
Kansas City at St. Louis (2.5)
The Rams have a nice home-field advantage, but I think this is more of a must-win situation for the Chiefs. Ah, shit. I heard some ESPN guy say the same thing earlier this week.
Miami at Chicago (13.5)
If I’m going with the Giants with the same spread, I’ll take the Bears, too. However, when Chicago went 15-1 back in 1985, weren’t the Dolphins the only team to hand them a defeat?
(1.5) New Orleans at Tampa Bay
If the point spread was any higher, I would have went with the Buccaneers. However, because the difference is only a point-and-a-half, I’ll see if New Orleans can make it a season sweep from Tampa Bay.
Tennessee at Jacksonville (9.5)
Jacksonville lost to Houston two weeks ago and beat Philadelphia last week. Which Jaguars team will show up this week? I don’t know, but Tennessee beat Houston last week, so I’ll go with the Titans to try and keep this game close.
(5.5) Minnesota at San Francisco
The Vikings got beat by the Patriots on Monday night, so will this be a game where they’re going to take out their frustrations on an inferior team, or will the 49ers be able to sneak one by Minnesota? Well, San Francisco has been manhandled by good teams as of late. I’ll opt for the “sneak win/close game” this week, although I’m starting to get flashbacks of that horrid performance at Kansas City from earlier this year. However, every week can't be a 40-0 defeat for San Francisco, can it?
Cleveland at San Diego (12.5)
The Chargers are much like the Bears in the sense that when they play teams that they should beat, they do a good job of it.
Denver at Pittsburgh (2.5)
Wait a second. The Steelers are FAVORED in this one? Something’s up. Sure Roethlisberger had his best game as a pro in last year’s AFC Conference Championship game against the Broncos, but to be favored by two-and-a-half points? Something tells me the upcoming election isn't the only thing rigged this week.
Indianapolis at New England (3.5)
Whenever you have a matchup where one team has had a history of defeating the other one, I generally go with the team that has won more times than lost. However, I’m going against the grain with this one. Just because.
Oakland at Seattle (7.5)
If memory serves, Shaun Alexander has a field day with the Raiders. Problem is he’s not playing in this game. No matter. I’ll still take the Seahawks at home against the Raiders on Sunday night.
While I’m on the subject of football, let me say that I don't like the idea of allowing headsets into the helmets of offensive players other than the quarterback. Sure it’ll cut down on the number of penalties, such as false starts, but crowd noise is part of the game. I remember when headsets were put into the helmets of quarterbacks, and there was some grumbling back then. However, the quarterback is the offensive field general; I’ll give these guys a pass. The fans pay a lot of money to attend these games – let them do their best to give their hometown team an edge by trying to vocally rattle the opposing team.
A few days ago I was goofing on some commie faggot going up against this GOP Congresschick. This guy was running ads on the local RIGHT-WING RADIO station in the Shittsburgh market, and I was making fun of him for the waste of advertising money he spent that probably riled up the conservative listeners who heard, “Commie Faggot wants to INCREASE the minimum wage.” Well, the Congresschick just had a gem of an ad played on the radio, and I just have to share this one, too. This chick is a Republican and she’s doing the “I’m going to distance myself from W. and try to appeal to the namby pamby pussy moderates in my district” route. A few ads I’ve heard from her talk about hippie shit like that godawful prescription drug plan that has recently been enacted. Well, while pimping this crap, the ad voice guy asked her challenger, who was being portrayed as an evil-doer in this spot who didn’t want old people to get their medicine, “Commie Faggot, what did seniors ever do to you?” Oh for fuck’s sake. This race is actually amusing to witness, because the Commie Faggot is trying to show how much of a moderate he is by saying that he’s “pro-gun.” I love it when Democrats try to pull this shit off because it’s just as funny as when Republicans go, “We are so about black people,” and then proceed to get only 5 percent of this demographic’s vote. In fact, one of my fondest memories from the 2004 election was when Kerry went into some hunting office in either Ohio, West Virginia or Pennsylvania (I can’t remember what state it took place in) and said, “Can I get me a huntin’ license?” That soundbite was so goddamn funny that it puts his “I voted for the $80 billion before I voted against it” to shame.
I was asked earlier today which Party I thought would win this election. I have no clue. Hell, even if I had a guess, I wouldn’t put much stock into it, considering my track record of correctly picking baseball and football games. However, here’s my two cents: For some reason I haven’t been buying this Democrat sweep into power that is supposed to resemble what happened in 1994 with the Republicans. I have no proof or, worse yet, polling data, to back up what I just said – it’s just a feeling. Plus, with the few special elections that have taken place since 2004 the Republican has been able to maintain his or her seat. One election took place in Ohio and the other in California. Granted these seats were in Republican districts, and the results were probably closer than usual for the GOP to keep these seats, but I’m just don’t think the House of Representatives will swing by a margin large enough to give it over to the Democrats. I’ve always been more concerned about the Senate turning commie, but perhaps that’s because the Santorum/Junior race isn’t looking good for the GOP and I’m getting a distorted image of the nationwide feel. I will say this: if the Republicans don’t win the Tennessee Senate race, I doubt they’ll win Missouri and have no shot at Ohio or New Jersey, although I don’t think they win either the Buckeye or Garden state either.
While I’m talking about Ohio, how the fuck is Ken Blackwell not going to win the governorship? I can understand not re-electing that Rino Duh-Whine (although I wouldn’t be voting for the commie the Dems have brought forth), but I always liked Blackwell while I was an Ohio resident. Christ, I hope the Blue Plague doesn’t swallow up Ohio along with Pennsylvania (even more than it already is) and Virginia until the flyover red states have a chance to beef up on electoral votes in the next census. Back to Pennsylvania. God is this election going to suck; the most conservative official on the national scene will be friggin’ Alren Specter? Oy. I will be voting straight party line this election and, like I’ve said before in previous entries, what’s funny is that in Pennsylvania returns from Shittsburgh and Philadelphia come in first, and the Democrat is always in the lead by a 90-10 margin. In addition, because of all the old people and union whores that have their “Vote Democrat” and “Bush Wants To Steal My Medicare So He Can Give Halliburton Another Tax Cut” bumper stickers and pins trudging throughout this area like zombies in any of the “____ of the Dead” movies, I feel like a lowly Hobbit armed only with a wooden sword trying and garbage can lid for a shield trying to hold off these hoarding masses until my redneck brethren from the middle part of the state have their votes counted to the point where the Republican can overtake his or her Democrat opponent. However, this will not be the case this time around; if Santorum can lose by single digits and if Swann can lose by no more than 25 points, I guess I’ll be content. And like I said earlier at the other place, if Junior only wins by single digits I'll be wanking it. But not to Rick's image, because that would be gay and he wouldn't like that.
Back to election predictions. There’s no way Republicans will gain any seats, but will they lose enough to hand power over to the Democrats? I said above that I was more concerned about the Senate than the House, so if the GOP can retain control of the Senate (thank you Joe Lieberman for running as an Independent), I think they will also keep the House. Then again, this is the same person who this year predicted the Yanks and Twins in the ALCS and the Dodgers and Padres in the NLCS, so you probably just wasted several minutes of your life reading this rambling drivel. However, you do that anyway when you read my other entries at KK's Korner, so my sympathy for you is nonexistent.
Oh, and Claire McCaskill will win Missouri by 30 points. Fuck you Tyler.
• I can’t believe this shit. It boggles my mind. This news came out of left field and belted me smack-dab across the face and shook my beliefs down to the very core. But enough talking about Britney Spears and her divorce with her babies' daddy.
• Man, I don’t even want to know what this week’s football picks are going to be like if I was so off in my predicting the mid-term elections. And to matters worse, there were no Democrat supporters at my polling place that I could get into arguments with. In fact, there were absolutely no vehicles in the parking lot when the better half and I pulled in to vote. And I even wore my “I <heart> Halliburton” shirt. Oh well. Maybe next time.
• Well, Fast Eddie beat my guy Swann. Junior beat my guy Santorum. My local State Representative Republican challenger lost to the incumbent. However, my Congressional Representative Tim Murphy beat whatever hippie was running up against him. I went one for four, which could probably get me a spot on the bench of any major-league baseball team. And aside from candidates, there was another issue that I voted on which I found somewhat interesting. It was a referendum that I hadn’t heard about until I got up to the voting machine. Here is how the question was worded.
I found out later this is what the referendum was about.
I voted yes simply because my state leaders have found no problem voting themselves pay raises, so why not give some extra money to our troops and their families, even if it is a pitiful amount like seventy-five friggin' dollars? Christ, why does something like this even have to come to a vote more than a decade after the actual military conflict took place?
• As for my former place of residence, let me say this. One of Ohio’s biggest issues is a lack of jobs. So what do they do? They vote to raise their state's minimum wage rate. Okie dokie.
• Now some may think I’m one more drink away from offing myself due to the commie Congress takeover, but I’m actually in a decent mood. Part of this is because this morning I finally got Neal Boortz's radio program via an Internet stream and now can listen to his show at work. Woo-hoo. And here’s what Boorz wrote on his Web site, which reflects quite a bit of what I’m feeling today.
I'd like to also add the '94 GOP's desire to cut the National Endowment for the Arts and the result which became of that, but that's another topic for another day.
• Even though I didn't hear any last-second race-baiting ads in my region, I'm glad I got to listen to Boortz's show today so I wouldn't be disappointed knowing that this practice was alive and well:
• Here’s one thing that disturbs me as an evil right-winger. There is now a sizeable majority of governorships that now belong to Democrats. Now while some are commie pieces of shit like Rendell and New York's Elliot Spitzer, others I’m hoping are more level-headed, such as Bill Richardson of New Mexico, who just got elected to a second term. In addition, I really noticed for the first time that while there are more red states than blue, those red states are way more susceptible of being overrun by the Blue Plague. Ohio and Virginia can turn blue in an election’s notice. Think New York or California will do the same? Shit, the only reliable big red state is Texas, and it’s just a matter of time before Mexicans overrun that place.
• On a final note for today, the Pennsylvania state lottery has a daily three-digit number drawing. And what was yesterday’s number on the night Democrats swept into power?
666
Yeah, I know. More election shit. Too bad.
• Maybe Fast Eddie’s re-election as Pennsylvania's governor might be a good thing. Well, it won't be a good thing for my paycheck, but I'm talking about in terms of entertainment value. You see, should a Democrat win the presidency in 2008, there’s a good chance Fast Eddie would join that administration. For all the grief I give this asshole, I have to admit he seems to be a popular guy in Philadelphia, the city in which he used to be mayor. With him possibly heading off for greener pastures, that means our second in command would take over. And who is this person? It’s Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.
God help us all.
Who is Catherine Baker Knoll? She is some crazy old bitch who gained fame last year for appearing uninvited at the funeral of a marine killed in Iraq and offered her condolences by telling the marine’s family that "our government" is against the war. Needless to say, her behavior pissed off the soldier's family, and the fallout provided for some great RIGHT-WING RADIO for the next few weeks. Oh please let her run this state for a few years. Please please please please please.
• While Lynn Swann got creamed in my state's governor race, he won a majority of votes in my county. Rock on. And what was the reason for Fast Eddie not getting 50+ percent in Westmoreland County? According to Westmoreland County Commissioner Tom Balya, it's the RIGHT-WING MEDIA. From Richard Scaife's Tribune-Review
Oh give me a fucking break. First off, if we're going to whine about media bias, I could point to quite a few politicians on my side that have over the years felt the wrath of southwestern Pennsylvania's liberal fishwrap -- the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette. And besides, if this county is full of Democrats, why would they read a conservative newspaper when a commie one is available for purchase? Also, why then did Junior defeat Santorum by the same margin Swann defeated Rendell when the Trib heavily endorsed Rick over Junior and refused to endorse either gubernatorial candidates? Oh, and the Trib also endorsed John Murtha, for those keeping score at home.
• I find it odd that after it was announced Democrats were going to take Congress, I didn’t hear a peep about faulty voting machines and police dogs chasing away blacks from urban polling places. Wow, it’s nice to know all the voting irregularities that occurred during the past six years were magically resolved. I wonder if a Republican wins the White House or if the GOP re-takes Congress in ’08 if these machines will be on the fritz once again?
• Oops, I spoke too soon.
When I first heard the words “recount,” “voting machines malfunctions” and “Katherine Harris,” I thought that there must have been a shitload of busted devices to put her back in contention for her failed Senate bid.
• Great. As if losing Republicans in Congress wasn’t bad enough, the ones who managed to hang on are getting leukemia.
• Hmm, I’m starting to run out of stuff to say about Tuesday’s events. Oh, there was Rumsfeld’s resignation. Last night I heard some commentary about it on the cable news networks and the left-leaning folks seemed to be “shocked” that it was just a week ago Bush was saying what a great job his Secretary of Defense was doing. Well no shit. What was he going to say in the days leading up to an election? It’s just like when pundits who know their candidate or Party has no chance at victory but still goes on and on and on and on and on about how great their chances of victory are in the upcoming election.
• Finally, can we not talk about the 2008 elections until at least after this year’s crop of new politicians set up shop in D.C.? Pretty pretty pretty pretty please with sugar, sprinkles, Oreo cookie crumbles, and whipped cream on top? Sonofabitch.
Here we go.
(5.5) Atlanta at Detroit. Incorrect
Oh boy, this is a great way to start out the week.
Cincinnati at Baltimore. (3.5) Correct.
I watched the first few minutes of this game and generally felt good about picking the Ravens. However, I was a little worried because teams that jump out to double-digit leads early can sometimes get complacent and let the other team back in the game. Fortunately the point spread was 5.5 and not 6.5 points.
(3.5) Dallas at Washington. Incorrect.
I guess I could be pissed about that botched two-point conversion attempt when the Cowboys should have kicked the extra point, but that would have meant Dallas just winning the game – they still wouldn’t have covered the spread.
Green Bay at Buffalo. (3.5) Incorrect.
No words for this one.
Houston at N.Y. Giants. (13.5) Incorrect.
Shit. Houston played good again. It’s a shame they couldn’t pull off the upset.
Kansas City at St. Louis. (2.5) Correct.
I figured the Chiefs would win this game, and I was right.
Miami at Chicago. (13.5) Incorrect.
I made a remark when selecting this game that the only team to defeat the 1985 Bears were the Dolphins. Perhaps this is a sign for Chicago fans that this is the year for their Monsters of the Midway. Perhaps not. Either way, this year’s team is still good, even with the loss.
(1.5) New Orleans at Tampa Bay. Correct.
From my prediction entry.
Thank God it wasn’t.
Tennessee at Jacksonville. (9.5) Incorrect.
At least when you’re wrong about something, it’s nice to be REALLY wrong about something. And boy was I wrong about this one.
(5.5) Minnesota at San Francisco. Correct.
I guess I should be happy that the 49ers not only covered the spread, but also they won the game. But I was hoping the Vikings would be a surprise team this year, and although they started out playing well, they seemed to fizzle out. Still, there’s plenty of football to be played, and Minnesota is at the .500 mark.
Cleveland at San Diego. (12.5) Incorrect.
Well, the Chargers can’t win every game against a bad team by 30 points.
Denver at Pittsburgh. (2.5) Correct.
I still think it’s funny the Steelers were actually favored in this game. I actually thought they had a chance after they kicked a field goal at the end of the first half. However, once the Broncos did that 75-yard end-around touchdown run, I knew that would be the end.
Indianapolis at New England. (3.5) Correct.
Manning beat Brady. Again. Of course, seeing how these players don’t actually compete against each other, I don’t see the big deal. Then again, there was all that hype around MANNING BOWL I. Gag.
Oakland at Seattle. (7.5) Correct.
Didn’t watch this game. Didn’t care about it. From what I have seen, and from what others have said, this Monday Night announcing crew doesn’t seem to be doing too well. And based on what I’ve watched, I tend to agree with these opinions. Although I also heard quite a few people bash on the ESPN Sunday Night crew of Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire, but I liked this trio. Sure it was sappy at times, but whatever. Oh, and the other week when the Patriots beat the Vikings, I had to laugh during the halftime show when ESPN aired that retarded mascot race. My favorite part of that abortion was when all the ESPN mascots were being introduced and just about every one got booed. If memory serves, I think Tom Jackson was the only mascot to be cheered, which was still one too many.
This week’s record: 7-7
Cumulative record: 60-68
With my dismal track record of predicting election results, I’ll gladly take a .500 week for football.
(7.5) Baltimore at Tennessee
Steve McNair returns home. Which way will this game go? Will McNair want to get his revenge against the team he sacrificed his body with for so many years, or will it be a bittersweet homecoming because these two teams used to be divisional rivals and anything goes in these kind of games? I don’t know. But since the Democrats retook Congress last week, and they are supposedly the party of the “little guy,” I’ll side with McNair sticking it to The Man, who didn’t want to pay him the money he deserved and traded him away.
Buffalo at Indianapolis (12.5)
The Colts came off a big win last week, and the Bills won their game last week against Green Bay. Is this one of those cases where a bad team can sneak up on a team who is supposed to easily win? Who is Indianapolis playing next week? Dallas. Oh OK, I’ll take the Bills.
Chicago at N.Y. Giants (2.5)
A few weeks ago this seemed to be the matchup of the year (at least until next week when some other game will probably get hyped to death), but recent iffy play and some injuries have taken the shine off of this one. Give me Chicago.
Cleveland at Atlanta (7.5)
Atlanta lost to Detroit and Cleveland covered the spread last week against San Diego. The Falcons like to run and I’m sure Cleveland is bad against the run. Of course I have absolutely no stats to back this up. It’s Cleveland. They have to be bad at everything. I’ll take Atlanta.
Green Bay at Minnesota (5.5)
I think this is the surest 5.5 spread I’ve seen all year, simply because Bret Favre is playing in Minnesota.
Houston at Jacksonville (10.5)
Didn’t Houston just beat Jacksonville a few weeks ago? Yeah, but it was at Houston. Chirst, I don’t know what to do. Do the Jags redeem themselves with a big win or do the Texans show why they won in their first meeting? Jacksonville had a big home win last week against a crappy team last week. I’ll say it won’t happen twice in a row.
(1.5) Kansas City at Miami
Miami beats the Bears and suddenly Kansas City is only favored by 1.5 against the Dolphins at home? Then again, maybe Miami will run the table again like last year and make us all think they’ll be Super Bowl contenders for the 2007-2008 season. Give me the Chiefs.
New Orleans at Pittsburgh (4.5)
You got to be kidding me? Four-and-a-half points? I’m sure New Orleans is going to run into a road bump sometime this season, and I think this could be a close game. However, a 2-6 team is favored at home against a 6-2 team? I can’t the Steelers in this one.
N.Y. Jets at New England (10.5)
New England barely covered against the Jets earlier this year in New York, but it took a few fluke plays for the Jets to stay in the game. I’ll take the Patriots at home.
(1.5) San Diego at Cincinnati
This should be an interesting game. I don’t know who to take, so I’ll go with the Chargers because they seem to be more consistent this year than the Bengals.
San Francisco at Detroit (6.5)
A true clash of the titans. There’s no way I’m taking Detroit at 6.5 points, although having the 49ers go on a two-game winning streak seems not all that reassuring.
Washington at Philadelphia (7.5)
Washington just squeaked by the Cowboys last week, and when I last saw Philadelphia they were handedly beating the Jaguars. Although the spread gives me some concern, I’ll take the Eagles at home.
(9.5) Denver at Oakland
Yuck. Oakland lost earlier this year to Denver, but now they’re playing at home. Will that spread hold up in the Black Hole? Well, they beat the Steelers last time they were home. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt this week.
(7.5) Dallas at Arizona
After that loss to the Redskins last week, I’ll predict a big Cowboys win because they’re playing a team that isn’t playoff bound.
St. Louis at Seattle (3.5)
The first time I predicted this game when it was played in St. Louis I sided with the division champs. I’ll do the same thing, even though I have no idea if Seattle’s starting running back and quarterback will play.
Tampa Bay at Carolina (9.5)
Two weeks ago Carolina got beat by the Cowboys at home. Will they continue this skid against a divisional opponent? I think the Bucs have a chance in this one. But it is a Monday night game, so that means it will probably suck, which means the Panthers will blow the Bucs out. My anti-ESPN sentiment is getting the better of me for this one.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 48: Hoff
For all you people bitching about what happened to this countdown, I’m posting the following … in ANGER! There’s nothing much more to say. I like him. He likes me. (Although not as much as Carnival, it seems.) And it’s man-like, not hot-BUTT-sex-like. Besides, I doubt he would find me all that appealing. I'm still sure he spent $10.39 in Eden Prairie, MN, on a hooker. Then again, it could have been a male hooker.
And now a word or four from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Lovecraft:
From Black Lushus:
From Carnival:
From Cancer Marney:
• So not even a week after getting re-elected as Pennsylvania’s governor, Fast Eddie’s Transportation Funding and Reform Commission suggested the following:
Well golly gee, I’m shocked this was announced right AFTER the 2006 elections. Couldn’t this blue-ribbon panel have worked a weekend or two in order to make this announcement in time for voters to hear of this dire news before voting on the cocksucker who will end up being a multi-term governor? I’m also equally sure a certain casino that poured money into Fast Eddie’s re-election war chest will be getting a slots license in the Shittsburgh region, but I’m not going to comment on that until Swindell officially makes his announcement. Another question, Fast Eddie, when you previously raised gas taxes, I thought that was supposed to solve our transportation crisis? I’m stunned beyond words taxes are going to be raised again in order to support wasteful bureaucracy, the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.
• A short while ago I mentioned this local business posting the sign, “Liberalism is a mental disorder. Vote Republican.” Well, now their marquee reads, “Sheeple.” Rock on. All you need to do now is include the phrase, “Red diaper doper babies,” and I will mark out.
• Here’s why I love my county – a Sunday article in my local paper showed the number of people per county in the southwestern Pennsylvania region who have concealed carry permits. And my county ranks first in most concealed carry permits per capita.
• Finally, a footnote relating to my bouncing wedding ring that almost ended up flushed down a toilet (read yesterday's entry for more details). Later on in the day I discovered that our building had no water pressure. Hey, I peed in a urinal, so it was no big deal. I was also leaving for the day, so it's not like this affected me all that much. This morning when I entered the building, I heard a toilet flushing ... for several minutes. A toilet in one of the women's stalls was going nonstop. Oh well, I guess it's better to have a toilet flushing nonstop than not at all.
(7.5) Baltimore at Tennessee. Incorrect.
Well, I pulled a Democrat comparison with Steve McNair going against the evil corporate giant that screwed him over, and in true union fashion Ravens didn’t put in that much actual work and failed to cover the spread.
Buffalo at Indianapolis (12.5). Correct.
Woo-hoo, go Colts. Keep winning those close games that the experts predict you to win handedly.
Chicago at N.Y. Giants (2.5). Correct
At first I was worried that the Bears would continue playing a bit sub par, but thank goodness for 100-yard botched field goal touchdown returns.
Cleveland at Atlanta (7.5). Incorrect
So Atlanta loses to the Lions AND the Browns? I don’t care what the team is they face next, if I bet against the Falcons I know they’ll win just to piss me off.
Green Bay at Minnesota (5.5). Incorrect
Wow. Bret Favre goes 24 for 42 with 347 yards, two touchdowns and no interceptions. In Minnesota? Who the hell could see that coming?
Houston at Jacksonville (10.5). Correct.
What the hell is up with Jacksonville? They struggle to beat the Texans at Houston, then they outright lose to the same team in their own stadium. Well, it is a divisional game, and anything can happen in these instances.
(1.5) Kansas City at Miami. Incorrect.
Perhaps the Dolphins can lobby the league to start the regular season in November, which is when they seem to get hot.
New Orleans at Pittsburgh (4.5). Incorrect.
I watched the first part of this game and thought the Saints would outscore the Steelers. When I tuned in later and saw the score to be 38-31 in favor of the home team, I shook my head. Granted the Steelers aren’t as bad as their record indicates (in my opinion), but perhaps now we’ll see if the Saints are really as good as their record shows.
N.Y. Jets at New England (10.5). Incorrect.
Props to the Jets head coach. He may be an asshole to the media, but it looks like he’s getting the most out of this team and they have seemed to be competitive in a number of games they have lost.
(1.5) San Diego at Cincinnati. Correct.
I watched this game’s second half, and it was the most entertaining football I’ve seen in some time. What the hell is up with the Bengals? I can understand them losing a game against a good team, but now they are below .500? I didn’t realize that until now.
San Francisco at Detroit (6.5). Correct.
I have to laugh that Detroit would be favored by nearly a touchdown against any team.
Washington at Philadelphia (7.5). Correct.
The Eagles came to play. The Redskins came to … uh, raid the hotel mini bar?
(9.5) Denver at Oakland. Correct.
I have to wonder if Denver is pulling an “Indy” and just coasting to bad teams, or if this is proof that the Broncos will have a shortened playoff run, if they indeed make the postseason?
(7.5) Dallas at Arizona. Correct.
Dallas plays crappy team. Dallas wins.
St. Louis at Seattle (3.5). Incorrect.
Shit. I thought the Seahawks would be able to cover.
Tampa Bay at Carolina (9.5). Correct.
I saw the first part of this game and was regretting my choice. When I woke up the next morning I had to do a double-take when I found out the Panthers covered.
This week’s record: 9-7. Cumulate record: 69-75
I actually had a winning record. Yippie.
Let’s see if I can put a winning streak going with two .500+ weeks in a row.
Atlanta at Baltimore (4.5)
Oh I so know this one is going to bite me in the ass. Atlanta has stunk it up and is facing a division leader. Yeah, Baltimore squeaked one from the Titans, but the Falcons lost to the freakin’ Browns and Lions.
Buffalo at Houston (2.5)
I don’t know what will become of this one. Will the scrappy Buffalo team show up and beat the favored Texans, or will the fold-like-a-house-of-cards Bills stink up the joint? Wait a second: Houston beat the Jags last week. Letdown week. I’m calling an audible at the line of scrimmage and going with Buffalo.
(6.5) Chicago at N.Y. Jets
The Bears are returning to the scene of the last week’s crime. The Giants are supposedly better than the Jets and lost by double digits to Chicago last week. Chicago usually routes losing teams, but I’ll go with the Jets to keep it close. Wait a second. The Jets beat New England last week. Another audible.
Cincinnati at New Orleans (3.5)
I’m interested to see how this one pans out. Both teams seem to be hitting the skids and this might be a good “let’s see who the pretender” is game. I don’t know why, but I’m going with Cincinnati in this one.
(1.5) Indianapolis at Dallas
Uh oh. Dallas is playing a good team. However, it’s at home and against a team that is the lone undefeated franchise in the NFL this year. But it’s a winning team. I’ll go with Indy.
Minnesota at Miami (3.5)
Looks like Miami is making their “look how good we’ll be next year” push, but I’ll stick with the Vikings. I’ll probably fall for the Dolphins hype in another week or two.
(6.5) New England at Green Bay
The Patriots lost last week to a divisional opponent. They’ll win to a cold climate team on the road, especially if it’s the Packers.
Oakland at Kansas City (9.5)
Let’s see if the Raiders can keep the streak of losing within the spread going.
(3.5) Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Both teams are 3-6, although one should be better than that, and it’s not the squad from Cleveland. Normally I’d take the Steelers in this instance, but this is a divisional game against the Browns. Crazy things happen when these two get together in Cleveland.
St. Louis at Carolina (7.5)
I’d normally go with the Panthers but when I saw that point spread my first thought was the Rams losing in a close game, so that’s what I’m picking.
Tennessee at Philadelphia (13.5)
I don’t think the Titans will win, but they’ve lost a few close ones this year. Here’s hoping this is another one of those times.
Washington at Tampa Bay (3.5)
And to think this was close Wild Card game last year.
Detroit at Arizona (2.5)
If only all their games would be this compelling, the NFL would be like … the NHL. For as much as I like hockey (well, I really don’t, but I watch during playoff time), it’s sadly a niche sport. But if it’s financially viable, then that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
(6.5) Seattle at San Francisco
Seattle struggled against a divisional opponent last week. Here’s hoping that’s not the case this game.
San Diego at Denver (2.5)
I have a feeling winning road games at Cincinnati and at Denver is a bit too much to ask, but I don’t care. My first thought was to go with the Chargers, so that’s what I will do.
N.Y. Giants at Jacksonville (3.5)
Let’s see if Emily and company can win one at their former coach’s crib.
• No wonder Seinfeld didn't have any regular black characters. I always liked George and Jerry best, with Kramer coming in third, followed by Elaine at a distant, distant fourth, but after hearing this I might move Cosmo up a spot or two. Giddiap.
Of course, nobody is saying anything about the racist epithets hurled at poor Kramer. “Cracker”? My people deserve better than this. Wait, the guy's a Jew? Nevermind.
• I guess It’s only appropriate a wedding took place where the best truck for this ceremony was called “Grave Digger,” considering the groom is about to embark on a slow death with that ring on his finger. This couple won a contest to get hitched at a monster truck rally, which makes me wonder what the losers of this contest must feel like – will they now attempt to say their vows at the local Wal-Mart or McDonald’s? I was never into monster truck rallies, although I remember when Bigfoot was the shizzle. I'm not sure if that truck is still around, but I do remember Grave Digger back in those days.
• Ryan Howard is the NL’s Most Valuable Player. Fuck those hippie win-share and other gay-ass stats. I say good for him. Now it’s only a matter of time until we find out he takes the roids.
With the Thanksgiving games coming up, I might as well provide the week-that-was early on.
Atlanta at Baltimore (4.5). Correct.
And the Falcons looked pretty good at the start of this season. What happened?
Buffalo at Houston (2.5). Correct.
I made a last-second switch to Buffalo, and it’s a good thing I did.
(6.5) Chicago at N.Y. Jets. Correct.
I also made an audible at the line of scrimmage with this game. Woo-hoo. The Jets played them tough, but the Bears defense played New York tougher.
Cincinnati at New Orleans (3.5). Correct.
I didn’t think the Saints would win this, but I thought the game would be closer than this. I wonder if this is the start of New Orleans’ slide down the standings.
(1.5) Indianapolis at Dallas. Incorrect.
OK, so Dallas has defeated a quality team (I’m sure a case can be made for the Cowboys win at Carolina, but that’s beside the point), but the Colts had to lose a game sometime. Much like how this week may have been the start of the Saints’ decline, I wonder if this is the start of the Cowboys run to the playoffs.
Minnesota at Miami (3.5). Incorrect.
Missed by half-a-point. Shucks. And most of Miami’s scoring took place on the defensive side of the ball.
(6.5) New England at Green Bay. Correct.
I had a feeling this could be a blowout. I like it when I’m on the winning side of these games.
Oakland at Kansas City (9.5). Correct.
Keep those close losses coming Oakland. I need all the help I can get.
(3.5) Pittsburgh at Cleveland. Incorrect.
Shit. I watched this game, and the Browns should have won. But in typical Cleveland fashion, they found a way to screw it up.
St. Louis at Carolina (7.5). Incorrect.
Bah. I thought the Rams would be able to score at least one touchdown.
Tennessee at Philadelphia (13.5). Correct.
I didn’t think Tennessee would win. I also didn’t think McNabb would tear his ACL. Ouch.
Washington at Tampa Bay (3.5). Incorrect.
Another half-point loss. I know of nothing else to say about this game.
Detroit at Arizona (2.5). Correct.
For as bad as Arizona is, Detroit is worse. Much worse. Well, maybe not much worse, but worse nevertheless.
(6.5) Seattle at San Francisco. Incorrect.
Has San Francisco improved that much? I don’t think so. Perhaps I should start paying attention to see which starters for Seattle are still on the injured list.
San Diego at Denver (2.5). Correct.
I’m sure Drew Brees couldn’t get the Chargers to much better a start to the season’s first half than Philip Rivers has. Then again, having a star running back, tight end and stingy defense can’t hurt, either.
N.Y. Giants at Jacksonville (3.5). Incorrect.
Poor Emily. And what was up with Jack Del Rio wearing that suit?
This week’s record: 9-7
Cumulative record: 78-82
With several losing games decided by a half-point, I feel like this week is a loss.
