Now that I wrongly predicted the Ravens/Bengals Thursday night game, I can get back to my riveting tale of my first-ever “real job” interview. I spoke with Altoona Mirror News Editor Joe Frollo about my upcoming interview, and he said to bring a work portfolio with me to the Mirror’s headquarters. He added that if I could get a copy of the Mirror and “copyedit” for him that would be great, too. My interview was scheduled for early that next week, so I got the Sunday’s edition of the Mirror and put my little red pen to work. Now here’s the funny thing. For as much as I suck at speling and grammer, I am great at picking out stupid errors or inconsistencies that nobody else would care about checking. For example, at one job I picked out on a page a period that was one font point size smaller than all the other text. While the graphic artist who made this correction was amazed that I noticed this mistake, I felt more pathetic than anything else. But I digress. So there I was scanning through this newspaper when I came across some mistakes in this publication’s template areas, particularly one in the “Editorial Board” box that got run every day. When I arrived at my interview, I showed Joe everything I had found, and he was … surprised. He especially appeared so when I showed him the “editorial box” where a period was breaking up one editor’s name. As I sat down to take my editing test, he asked if he could have this page and walked away. I knew I bombed this test, but nevertheless it was off to talk with Joe and this other editor who seemed a bit smarmy. I knew I wasn’t getting this job, but they were taking me out to dinner to continue the interview process, so who am I to turn down a free meal?
As I talked with Joe and this other guy, the nameless editor began asking for my opinion about the newspaper, and I gave it to him. Full blast. I don’t remember much of what I said, and most of it wasn’t even negative, but I do remember the guy getting pretty defensive about a number of things. One question I do remember was asking if the Mirror had a Web site because I couldn’t find one after looking through the newspaper and on-line (this was in 1999, so the Internet “revolution” hadn’t hit small publications such as the Mirror yet). I got an answer dealing with how it wouldn’t make the paper any money and that they mail a few copies to subscribers out of state and they would lose that revenue (yeah, all $10/month). When the meal was over and we were back at Mirror headquarters, the interview was wrapping up and Joe said to me in a low voice that he agreed with nearly all of my comments about the newspaper and that he was trying to get his smarmy boss to do many of the things I mentioned. That was when I knew for sure I was never coming back to this place. Sure enough, I was right.
From the moment I left this interview, there were no harsh feelings. I knew I wasn’t qualified for the vacancy (I’m probably still not), and if you think this is some 500-word bitchfest about how the Mirror is run by a bunch of Jew-commies, then you’re sadly mistaken. However, the best part of this story came later when I got the “official” rejection. A few weeks went by and I got this letter from the Mirror. Knowing what it was, I just read the letter’s first sentence and tossed it aside. Mrs. kkk picked it up, thinking there could be some glimmering hope in what was written, and asked how the word “periodically” was spelled. I told her. She agreed with my spelling and said that the letter had it spelled as “periotically.” So not only did a fellow journalism grad misspell a job rejection letter to me, but he also felt me unworthy of a spell-check. Here’s how part of the letter went.
How do I remember this? Because I have kept this letter and have it framed.
• It must be budget time at NASA, because now they’re talking about colonizing the moon or something. Don’t care. I’m sure space travel was a big deal 50 years ago, and I am also aware that many products we enjoy today came indirectly from space and military research, but this is 2006. Nobody cares about this anymore, and even if some did they are finding ways to get into space without government spending. (Remember that contest a year or so ago that offered a cash prize for the first private flight into space, or goofy “sphere” that’s above us?) But NASA will get everything it wants and more because, hey, it’s the government. What else have they got to do with money besides spend it?
• Gwyneth Paltrow recently took some flack for saying that she likes Brits better than Yanks at her dinner table. Here's what she said:
Now I could jump on the “If you hate America so much then giiiit out” bandwagon, but it seems that she’s already done that by living in England with trips to the United States to squirt out an Apple, Plum, Orange or Grape Nut. To the surprise of some, I’m going to come to her defense somewhat on this one. She thinks the dinner conversation from across the Pond is more thoughtful than here in the States. Who’s to say she’s wrong? As much as I love my brothers from anotha motha in anotha country, you guys are a bit too socialist for my liking, so it wouldn’t surprise me that less people over there discuss work-related matters while eating their meals. Besides, I’m sure meal-time conversation is important to Paltrow. What else is she going to do at the dinner table, eat? I normally don’t spend much time talking during this time, but that’s because I have food in my mouth.
• In lovecraft’s blog he recently talked about Rachael Ray, and I expressed my hatred toward this bitch in the kitch … en. (Wow was that bad.) Why do I hate her? I don’t really know. I just get the same vibe from her as I did from those uber-preppy girls in high school who would whine and bitch about getting only a 102 percent on a test while I was lucky to fill in my name in the correct blank. You know who I’m talking about, the same kind of girls who would pout because their daddy bought them the black Corvette when they wanted the red. Last December the better half had one of Ray's “Survive on $20 in this expensive part of town” shows on the Food Network. As I sat there watching this garbage, that half-hoarse/half-annoying voice of hers began grating against my soul, or what little of it I have left. Not only was I being annoyed by her, I began to seethe with hate about having to watch this. Did I go upstairs and surf the Internet? No. Did I leave and watch something from the spare bedroom television? Of course not. Did I read a book? N*gga plz. All I could do is sit there and watch as my rage boiled over into a deep hatred. I don’t care if Joe’s Café on 5th Avenue offers $2 coffees from 2-5 p.m. I don’t care if there’s some back-alley Asian eatery that serves up fresh dog every morning. My hatred for Rachael Ray knows no bounds.
It only got worse from there. Last week as I was doing the weekly trip to the grocery store I noticed that Ms. Ray has defiled my store’s Triscuit boxes, among other Nabisco products. Why Nabisco, why? Now every time I reach for a box of this wheaty goodness I get to see her on the box with that look of “Hey, I’m a millionaire just for telling people how to cook a bunch of crappy stuff.” I’m sure if I ever see nl-asshole in real life I’d probably get the same feeling as I now do every time I walk down the cracker aisle of my neighborhood supermarket.
• If you have read KK’s Korner for any period of time, chances are you’ve learned of my fondness for my current batch of fellow co-workers, or lack thereof. After hearing my constant griping regarding many of these zany characters I deal with in the workplace, you may be surprised to learn that I actually prefer having a cohesive work environment. Seriously, who doesn’t want to enjoy the time where they spend one-third of their workweek? The problem with an office environment is that many times you have no say in who your co-workers are: if you get along with them, that’s great; if you don’t, well, too bad. I thank my lucky stars my office is two floors away from ninety-nine percent of my peers and that my job doesn’t interfere with what they do so my interaction with them is limited. Why do I say all this? Well, just yesterday I learned what one of my co-workers did at last years’ Christmas “grab bag” event.
For those that don’t know a grab bag’s purpose, it is for people who want to be involved with some faux form of workplace unity. If someone wants to be involved in a grab bag extravaganza, all they do is put their name in a hat and someone who organizes the activity selects which co-worker will buy $20 worth of gifts for another co-worker. For everyone participating, they have to write their name on a piece a paper and include a list of three to four items that they would like. (I must mention here that ever since I began working at this place I have never taken part in one of these grab bags. This is because I think the whole idea is stupid and also because there’s no way in hell I’m spending money on someone I loathe, and there are quite a few people at my job that fill this bill.) Well anyway, I found out that one of my co-workers, I’ll call her Sue, was supposed to get something for … let’s call this other person Beth. Now keep in mind Sue is a compulsive gambler, or so I’ve been told, and she ended up buying $20 worth of scratch-and-win instant lottery tickets. I’m assuming Beth wanted lottery tickets for this grab bag thing, but I digress. If Beth did indeed want lottery tickets, then I guess $20 in instant win games seems like a good gift, right? Well, in happy world it would be, but this is kkk’s world. In kkk’s world, Sue scratched off all the tickets before giving them to Beth. The reason? Sue wanted to make sure she gave at least one winning ticket to Beth. Uh-huh. Right. So in effect, Sue’s gift to Beth was 17 or 18 scratch-off tickets that were already played and had no value and two or three tickets that had a $1 or $2 payout. And people say I’m a Jew bastard. I’m surprised Sue didn’t throw in a few losing Powerball tickets from the previous week’s drawing.
I do find it odd that Sue is a person who, when we have an office pool for a $100+ million Powerball drawing, she never joins the rest of us sheep and instead plays on her own. I would assume if she was a degenerative gambler that she would want to be in an office pool where the odds of winning a jackpot would be only one-in-two-hundred-million, rather than playing the lottery by herself where the odds increase to one-in-infinity-plus-one. Then again, what the hell do I know? The only reason I participate in an office lottery pool is that I know if I don’t then my co-workers would win the mega-ultra jackpot, and there’s no way in hell I’m about to let that happen. Not on my watch.
Because my overall cumulative record was near .500 before this week’s of games took place, I knew I was in for some trouble. Before even looking at this particular slate of games, I had a bad feeling about this.
Baltimore at Cincinnati (3.5). Incorrect.
I felt the Bengals would be the more desperate of the two teams, but I still went with the Ravens. For what reason I don’t know. Should have went with my first thought.
Arizona at St. Louis (6.5). Correct.
Not only did the Cardinals win, but they won by two touchdowns. Shouldn’t I get a bonus point or something?
Atlanta at Washington (1.5). Incorrect.
Could the Falcons be righting their wayward ship in time for the postseason? Don’t know, don’t care. All I know is they screwed me this week.
(4.5) Dallas at N.Y. Giants. Incorrect.
Well the Cowboys won but they didn’t cover the spread. Sure it was a divisional game, but it doesn’t do me any good.
Detroit at New England (13.5). Incorrect.
I called picking New England a “steal” this week. Not only did they fail to cover, but also they almost outright lost. To Detroit. Ugh.
(7.5) Indianapolis at Tennessee. Incorrect.
Not only did the Colts fail to cover, but also they outright lost. To Tennessee. Ugh. Well, the Titans are playing better as the season has gone on. But still.
Jacksonville at Miami (2.5). Incorrect.
Looks like the Jaguars are righting their wayward ship in time for the postseason.
(5.5) Kansas City at Cleveland. Incorrect.
Oh for Christ’s sake, this is getting ridiculous. Don’t any of these playoff bubble teams that I pick want to continue their season past Week 17?
Minnesota at Chicago (9.5). Incorrect.
Having watched this game, the Vikings did not deserve to get this win. And by “win” I mean not lose by double digits.
(1.5) N.Y. Jets at Green Bay. Correct.
Yay. I got one right.
(5.5) San Diego at Buffalo. Incorrect.
Sure it wasn’t an impressive win, but it’s victories like this that can determine whether a team is playing at home in the conference championship game rather than going on the road.
San Francisco at New Orleans (7.5). Correct.
And here I was actually worried about the point spread to this game.
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh (7.5). Correct.
I thought the Steelers would probably win, but I was hoping for the Buccaneers to keep it close. I was wrong. I sense a trend.
Houston at Oakland (3.5). Correct.
Oakland? Favored? I need as many gimmies as possible this week.
Seattle at Denver (3.5). Correct.
Didn’t watch this game. Have no idea what took place. Seahawks won. That’s all I care about.
(3.5) Carolina at Philadelphia. Incorrect.
Not only did the Eagles win, but also they have a shot at making the playoffs. I’m not saying this will happen, but I’d love to see what the Philadelphia region would do should Jeff Garcia take the Eagles on a magical playoff run that resulted in a Super Bowl win. All with Donovan McNabb watching from the sideline.
This week’s record: 6-10
Cumulative record: 93-99
Drat. And I was so close to mediocrity.
OK, time for another chapter from the in-law family book of tales. For those that don’t know by now, my sister-in-law is a crack whore. Now it was recently reported that her oldest daughter, now 19, is a crack-whore-in-training. But she’s starting out slow and is going to rehab for a problem with painkillers. The better half has said that the niece’s symptoms resemble those of a heroin user, but what does she know other than the fact she already went through this once with the matriarch of this crack-whore tag team. Well, my niece-in-law will be headed off to the rehab place on January 1, but in the meantime she has decided to take up a full-time job that pays $14.75/HOUR PLUS COMMISSION. She’s going to be such a success at this endeavor that she said she is quitting her part-time pizza-making job that she never shows up for in order to focus all her energies on this new job until she goes to the clinic. And just what is this dream job? Selling knives for Vector Marketing and Cutco cutlery products. LOL.
Now after reading some of the above article, you might say, “But kkk, maybe your niece-in-law would like the sales industry. Maybe she has what it takes to succeed. Maybe she’ll like working hard to earn an honest day’s pay. Maybe she could work real hard and climb up that corporate ladder." Yeah. That’s why she’s been sleeping all day after her trip to the methadone clinic today. And whle I'm on a somewhat related subject, the kkk household received a Christmas card yesterday from my welfare receiving aunt-in-law. Of course, the postage was due on the damn thing. For those that forgot, this is the aunt-in-law I’m talking about.
• I told you that Karl Rove was a genius. Getting our hopes all down about Democrats taking charge only to toy with our emotions weeks later by offing a senator under the guise of a medical condition and beginning the eventual takeover of Congress once again.
Actually, I feel for the guy from South Dakota. He seemed to be sane enough for a Democrat. It’s a shame this didn’t happen to, say, a certain Senator from New York. Actually, I wouldn’t have cared if it happened to Hitlery or Schmuck Jewmer. Any you know what? Even if the guy dies and that state’s Republican governor picks one of his own, it’s not really going to matter. Yeah, the Senate will be split, giving Dick Cheney the tie-breaking vote, but so what? It’s the SENATE. It’s Republican-lite. Arlen Specter. Susan Collins. Olympia Snow. How the hell are they in the same party as me? Whatever.
• Wait a second. Is this the chick from the American Pie movies who was the girl who gave all sorts of love advice but never got a dicking of her own? Now I know why.
• Oh no, Judith Regan got canned by Rupert Murdoch.
Like I’m supposed to care. But hey, it’s in red text on Drudge’s Web site, so this must be important.
• So I haven’t watched ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption in a while and decided to tune in. And what do I see? Kommie Kornheiser acting like goddamn pussy because some guy from the Chicago Bears got busted for having an invalid gun permit for a half-dozen firearms in his house. Christ, I thought Tony was going to shit himself regarding this story. What’s the big deal? Brotha’s gotta protect his crib. Then Tony has to remind us all about how much he hates guns and that they’re bad and shit. Normally I bitch about Wilbon during this show, but I have to give Tony an open-handed slap across the face this time.
• Although the critics who say what this mayor did was patronizing, I feel for the poor theater ushers who had to clean up the mess these crazy people probably made while sitting through this movie.
• I was going to make a joke about what ever will black people do now that they’re no longer “king of the mountain,” until I realized that Indian penises were too small for condoms. I bet Asians are feeling mighty good about themselves right about now.
• Eh, I knew someone who beat off into pizzas at his job. No, it wasn’t me. With all the crap jobs I’ve worked over the years, two places I’ll never work are grocery stores and pizza joints. No, I don’t consider myself better than those who bag my groceries or knead my dough. I’m just a lazy bastard.
Actually, this part of the story had me laughing.
Well no shit. But then again, I'm sure there were at least one or two who got turned on by this.
These goddamn NFL Network and their hippie weekday games have my schedule all out of whack. Bastards. And fuck you Bryant Gumbel. I had to listen to your godawful commentary during the Browns/Steelers game. What the fuck are you doing in football anyway? Get the hell out of here and leave the play-by-play to your brother, Greg.
Cleveland at Pittsburgh (7.5) Incorrect.
Yeah, I got it wrong. But what I want to talk about is how Kellow Winslow landed a cheap shot on a Steelers linebacker only to have his bell run on the next play, dropping a sure catch. Then Joey Porter called him a fag after the game and gets fined. Way to go Joey. I’m being serious. Of course, should he knock him out of the next game they play, or commits a personal foul, I wonder if Porter could be accused of committing a hate crime.
(3.5) Atlanta at Tampa Bay. Incorrect
I have no idea what to say about this one.
Baltimore at Kansas City (2.5). Correct.
Wow. I didn’t know this was the first Chiefs loss at home in December in 10 years. Boy do I look smart now.
Buffalo at N.Y. Jets (4.5). Correct.
I forgot who won this game, so I had to look it up on NFL.com. I saw the score, saw who I picked and thought, “Why’d I do that?”
(1.5) Indianapolis at Jacksonville. Incorrect.
Well, now that the Jags finally beat their divisional big brother, I can now feel comfortable in picking them to outright win a game against the Colts.
Minnesota at Detroit (2.5). Correct.
I still don’t understand how the Lions were even favored in this one.
(3.5) New England at Miami. Incorrect.
Wow, the Pats got shut out. Um, that ain’t good.
New Orleans at Dallas (6.5). Incorrect.
From my prediction entry:
Yeah, that defense. OK then.
N.Y. Giants at Carolina (3.5). Incorrect.
Wow, and to think I thought the Panthers were Super Bowl contenders.
Oakland at Cincinnati (10.5). Correct.
The Raiders played a few teams tough this year, but I knew this would be a blow-out.
(1.5) Philadelphia at Washington. Correct.
Whew. Won this one by half-a-point.
Tennessee at Houston (1.5). Correct.
I’m glad Vince Young is doing OK this year. I don’t know what his stats are, but his team is playing better, and that’s all that matters.
Green Bay at San Francisco (5.5). Correct.
I have no idea what the Packers’ record is. Huh, 5-8.
(3.5) Seattle at Arizona. Incorrect.
First the Colts finally lose to the Jaguars, now Seattle can’t beat Arizona. Fiddlesticks.
Denver at San Diego (7.5). Incorrect.
Damn San Diego is looking good. Wouldn’t it be funny if the Chargers meet the Saints in the Super Bowl?
(6.5) Chicago at St. Louis. Incorrect.
I thought I made a good selection when I went to bed with the score still close. Then I saw the score the next morning and went “WTF?”
This week’s record: 7-9
Cumulative record: 100-108
Well, if I go perfect in today's games I’ll be at .500 for the season. Sure, why not?
• Let’s see, what exciting shit happened today. Well, the better half had a day off from work (again) and spent most of the day baking gingerbread men. When I got home from work I went into the kitchen and noticed each one of them sported different icing/candy pieces. She also named each of the dozen-plus she made. OK then. Well, to be fair, she names just about everything in this house, except for my gentalia.
• Here’s an update on the out-of-control niece-in-law that’s going into rehab. The niece-in-law and her crack-whore mother have plotted a way to get the state welfare agency to pay for the niece-in-law’s rehab. Lovely. And I told Mrs. kkk why bother getting a present for her niece when we already gave her a three-month all expenses paid trip to the rehab center? Of course, now the crack-whore is holding the fact she’s committing fraud for her daughter and whenever the niece-in-law doesn’t respond to one of her mother’s calls by the third ring the crack-whore threatens to call the welfare agency and spill the beans. God I love white trash. Oh, and the niece-in-law is back with her on-again-off-again boyfriend. There's no way in hell he's getting a Christmas present this year because they'll be split up (again) before 2007. Hell, they probably broke up 10 minutes ago and will reunite at the top of the next hour.
• And lawyers wonder why people despise them so. A few months ago this young couple was pulling out onto a local state road in my neck of the woods. Suddenly, two cars slammed into these people, and the woman suffered a variety of injuries, including, if memory serves, a broken pelvis, a broken neck, and the loss of her unborn child. This incident is finally going to trial, and the lawyer for the two punks who ran into these innocent victims has his clients’ defense as, “Well, they didn’t have time to avoid colliding with the plaintiff’s vehicle.” Would you like to know why? BECAUSE THESE TWO ASSHOLES WERE DRAG RACING AT MORE THAN 90 MPH ON A STATE ROAD!!!
• I just heard on the news today that Shittsburgh’s soon-to-be casino is going to be run by this minority-owned company. This doesn’t bode well for the NHL’s Penguins, who were hoping another group would get the contract/bid/whatever it’s called, because this company called the Isle of Capri promised, if awarded the casino, to build a new arena for the city.
Personally, I think the whole thing is bullshit. I don’t like having a casino in the area, but whatever. That’s why I live in Westmoreland County, out of the clutches of the greater Shittsburgh region. I’ve voiced my opinions before about Shittsburgh bending over backwards to build new stadiums for the Pirates and Steelers, but giving the Penguins shit every step of the way in their plea for a new arena. Of course, a new arena won’t just be limited to NHL play and would be an attraction for other entertainment venues to come to this shithole of a city, but why let common sense get in the way of kicking the Penguins out of town.
Come on, Shittsburgh, kick the Penguins out of town. Let them move to Missouri or Oregon. Allow them to play in a city that has a state-of-the-art facility and sweetheart deals galore. Give the team time to mature with its young talent. I hope they end up winning 10 Stanley Cups as the Kansas City Penguins. That way, when all the Penguin fans in my area start whining to their public officials about how they could have allowed the Pens to leave we can hear these so-called leaders say, “I don’t know why they left. We gave them every opportunity to stay.” Of course nobody will lose their elected seat over this because Allegheny County is overrun by Democrats, so I guess George W. Bush will be blamed for the Penguins’ departure. Hey Mario Lemieux. You sweat and bled for this team and this city. You did everything in your power to keep the franchise you played for your entire career in this dump. When the going got tough, you nutted up and became an owner. There’s nothing else you need to do to prove to me to show that you care for Shittsburgh hockey. Pack your things, move on out and make a shitload of money elsewhere. I might even buy a Kansas City Pens jersey to commemorate this occasion.
But hey, at least the Pirates are still here.
I must say, however, that I was surprised at who got the license. I was sure Harrah's was going to be awarded it because that company is BUTT-buddies with my sack-of-shit governor Ed Swindell. In the article I liked to above, Fast Eddie said a while back that a new Shittsburgh arena would be built "regardless of who got the slots license." I pray the Pens move for greener pastures and the new arena gets built only after the team leaves. That way the region will have a brand-new stadium but no hockey team to occupy it 40-50 times per year. Just another day in Shittsburgh.
Minnesota at Green Bay (3.5)
Normally I’d go with the Vikings in this situation, but I’ve been hearing all week how this could be Brett Favre’s LAST HOME GAME EVER so I’m sure Green Bay will win. Then again, I did pick them.
(6.5) Kansas City at Oakland
I saw on the ESPN bottom line ticker thing that Randy Moss probably won’t play. I’m not sure how good he’s been this year, but I’m sure it can’t help the Raiders’ chances. Then again, this is a rivalry game. Ah screw it. I’m sticking with the Chiefs.
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (3.5)
The hell? Even with the Ravens clinching a playoff spot whenever they get a chance to sweep the Steelers, you can bet they’ll do anything possible to do so. And for the love of God, will the local Shittsburgh sports media STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW THE STEELERS HAVE A PLAYOFF SHOT?! Not only do they have to beat the Ravens and Bengals, but something like a half-dozen teams also have to lose out. Steeler fans, be content if your black and gold can end the season .500 – it’ll be a nice accomplishment for a banged up season.
Carolina at Atlanta (6.5)
Christ, I don’t know who to go with. I don’t feel comfortable with that point spread but the Panthers freakin’ quit at home last week. Hmm, I’ll take a chance with the Panthers playing better this week.
(4.5) Chicago at Detroit
You GOT to be kidding.
(9.5) Indianapolis at Houston
Is this a trap game for the Colts, or did that Monday night win against the Bengals spark Indy? I’m hoping for the latter.
New England at Jacksonville (2.5)
I remember how the Patriots played against the Jags in the playoffs last year. I’ll stick with them.
New Orleans at N.Y. Giants (3.5)
I first went with the Saints, but this is being played in the Northeast. Maybe if I’m wrong that will mean Emily will have a 6 INT game. One can dream.
Tampa Bay at Cleveland (3.5)
Will Cleveland play another struggling team tough, or will they fold like a house of cards? Well they’re favored, so that’s one strike.
Tennessee at Buffalo (4.5)
If you would have showed me this game on the schedule before the season began, I’d figure these two teams could be playing for the top pick in next year’s draft. Instead, this game has playoff implications. Good going for all teams involved.
Washington at St. Louis (2.5)
The Redskins have been playing better as of late. Time for me to put that to rest by picking them.
Arizona at San Francisco (4.5)
That point spread gave me concern, but fuck the Cardinals.
Cincinnati at Denver (3.5)
I first went with Cincy, but then I remembered about their secondary, which should help a rookie quarterback out.
(4.5) San Diego at Seattle
Goddamn are the Chargers good. Too good. While watching the Chiefs game last Sunday night I was getting the feeling that they’re going to be had in the playoffs.
Philadelphia at Dallas (7.5)
I just heard Jeff Garcia talk for the first time last week. No wonder T.O. made those gay cracks at him. I think the Garcia wave ends here, although I find it funny Owens has disparaged two quarterbacks during his career on the other side of the field for this game.
N.Y. Jets at Miami (2.5)
Congrats to the Jets, even if they don’t make the playoffs. I think the Dolphins will treat this like a playoff game, costing their divisional foe a chance at the postseason.
If you read yesterday’s entry, I know you are already psyched for Part II of my epic kkkhristmas shopping adventure. If you didn’t read yesterday’s entry, hit the “page down” button on your keyboard. I’m not linking yesterday’s entry for you lazy fucks. That would be stupid.
Now it was onto Best Buy, which is across the street from my local mall. Problem is there are about 1,000 vehicles blocking my path. You know, I don’t mind gridlock all that much during this time of year. I mean, it’s the holiday season. What else do you expect? What annoys me is when the light turns green and nobody moves an inch until the light turns yellow. But I digress. OK, now I’m at my Best Buy, unlike the other one I was at earlier in the day, which was closer to my workplace. This is my Best Buy. Stay away Shittsburgh residents. I got a workout tape she not-too-subtly mentioned a few weeks back. What else? She said a while back that she liked “The Little Mermaid.” What do you know? A LIMITED-TIME SPECIAL EDITION of this movie is on the shelves. What a coincidence. Alrighty then. Oh shut the fuck up. I’m standing with these people who are bitching about having to wait in line. IT’S KKKHRISTMAS TIME – WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? If you don’t want to wait in line then shop on-line or don’t shop at all. This one lady is complaining about not having feeling in her arm from carrying a slow-cooker or something. THEN PUT IT ON THE FLOOR! Jesus Christ I hate these people. You’d think they were in a concentration camp rather than in a Best Buy check-out line. The only thing I hate about waiting in line is that the other customers take seemingly forever to make their transactions and mine takes about a minute. What the hell? I want to have people in line wait as long as I did. Bastards. Why couldn’t my credit card have been declined on my first swipe or something? Oh well, I’m out.
As I’m driving back home I noticed the Wal-Mart shopping center (not the one I went to earlier today, this one is populated by rednecks, while the other is occupied by folks from the ghetto) and there’s no way in hell I’m going into that mess. There are other stores in this area, but I’m not braving that mayhem just to deal with all the white trash that I’m sure are milling about. I think I’ll take my chances with the other shopping center down the road with the Target and Kohl’s. First I stopped into Kohl’s. They have some neat stuff that the better half might like. Too bad I can’t find any of it. Hey, one of those foot bath things would be a good gift because she recently bought all this overpriced moisture junk and she’s been soaking her feet in our spare dishpan that we’ve never used. But which one do I pick? Christ, what’s the difference between them – they all have BUBBLES and HEAT and other shit I don’t care about. Oh I’ll go with the Conair one because it has some recoiling cord. Oh God, I just heard this redneck ask his girlfriend/wife/sister how much 10 percent off of $19.99 would be. You got to be kidding me. A 10 percent discount barely covers the sales tax; it’s not that big a deal. I remember back in ’98 I worked for a few weeks at some kitchen store that was going out of business, and everything was marked off. Many items were 10 percent off, and the customers didn’t believe the prices I rang up for them. “Did you factor in the discounts?” they would say. Uh, yeah. AND I ALSO FACTORED IN THE SALES TAX YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! Those were some fun times, but I’m getting off track. Oh hell no, I see boxes in the cooking section with Rachael Ray’s face on them. Oh my blood pressure is skyrocketing now. Words can’t describe how much I loathe this woman. Now I’m in the checkout lane and I’m ready to go home. The total gets rung up and then I do the unthinkable. I ask, “is that with discounts included?”
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I was just making fun of these people and now I’ve become one. No, I didn’t mean it like that! I meant to say that would I need to use my Kohl’s card to get the discount. Sonofabitch, I’m too late. Now the customer service representative has the upper hand by telling me that is the discounted price. Shit shit shit. Wait a second, why do I even care? Oh, yeah, because I like to make fun of stupid customers. Oh well, I’ll take my slings and arrows. One final stop to go, and that’s the Target store. I’ll get that six-in-one DVD holiday special with Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer and other shows that only get shown once per year. For some reason the better half likes that bigfoot-thing in Rudolph special. Personally, I hate all these shows, especially the one with the mule who had the big ears, even though it wasn’t one of the cartoons featured in this disc. If memory serves, there is this baby mule with big ears and for one reason or another he gets kicked out of his barn. His mom goes with him, protects him from the cold and DIES. Later the mule carries a knocked up Virgin Mary or something, so I guess that’s what his purpose in the world was, but the whole thing just depresses the hell out of me. Oh, yeah, Target. I also got these squirrel candle holders and shaving gel for stocking stuffers and two cookbooks because she’s been whining about wanting to start baking and cooking and all that other shit. Of course, she never talks about wanting to clean up the messes she leaves afterwards, but once again I digress. Now I’m going home. Final tally: Five DVDs/DVD sets, two cookbooks, two calendars, a foot massage thingy, some minor stocking stuffers. I usually get more stuff, but I wanted to take it easy this year due to debt that Mrs. kkk built up over the years that needs to get paid off. It’s more than I originally wanted to get, but what the heck, it’s kkkhristmas time.
Now global warming is responsible for sagging coat sales? Is there nothing global warming can’t influence? From the Slimes of New York:
I would think that the lefties would embrace this aspect of our planet setting itself on high because less fur coats = less animals at fur farms. And regarding Paragraph 7:
Who in the hell buys a new coat every year? I’ve had the same non-hide jacket (with the attachable liner) for 10 years now, and it’s still in great shape, except for one “loop thing” on my left sleeve that got partially torn and had to be sewn up. My favorite part of the article was this paragraph in third paragraph:
And then about a dozen paragraphs down, we get this:
It's a shame global cooling didn't actually take place as was predicted by environmental "experts" a generation ago -- these coat stores would be making mad cash hand over fist. I bet Al Gore flying all around the world talking about his hippie global warming movie jacked this year's holiday temperatures up at least one-fourth of one-half of one-third of one-sixteenth of a percent. Damn you for ruining Christmas. Damn you all.
What did I get from Santa this year? I’ve said before that the better half hates shopping for me because she can never figure out what I want. This Christmas it was more of the same. I got season 8 of South Park, season 1 of Mind of Mencia, Unbreakable, Saw II and a new pair of work shoes. Whatever. I’m content. The better half was surprised at a number of things I got her, especially the cookbooks because she has been saying for the last several months how she wants to start baking and all that other shit. In fact, the one book I bought her was a title that she actually wanted. Go me.
Christmas in the kkk household usually goes like this. I’m first to wake up, which gives me a chance to put the presents I bought under the tree. Now I’m a bit of an odd bird in many ways, and one of them is that I refuse to use gift-wrapping paper. Fuck that shit. I use newspaper to wrap my gifts. First off I’m not buying this shit that will be torn to shreds when I already subscribe to a publication whose newsprint works just as fine. If anything, it’s easier to mold newspaper around a present than it is gift-wrapping paper. I also do this because it’s the degree I got in college. Newspaper = journalism school. Get it? Boy I’m a clever one. Well, if by “clever” you mean “a cheap sad sack hunk o’ man” then you would be correct. Eh, I’ve been wrapping gifts too long with newspaper to turn back now. This sort of thing is now expected of me, just like at this place when I say “hippie” or “commie” or “Jew bastard.” If I didn’t do these things, people would say, “what’s wrong?” Well, actually they say that anyway, but now I’m getting off track.
Once the better half wakes up she takes the stockings we hang over our entertainment stand and let the cats have at the toys she purchased them. It’s rather amusing because for about 20-30 minutes it’s nothing but a catnip orgy. After that entertainment dies down we exchange presents while “A Christmas Story” is being played on TBS. Even though we have the DVD to this holiday classic, I still feel the need to have it on with commercial interruptions. I do not know why. After gifts are exchanged we watch movies or something before heading out to my brother-in-law’s house for Christmas dinner. There we meet up with the in-laws, and Mrs. kkk’s sibling who isn’t a crack-whore. Now every year they make ham for dinner, and for as much as I love bacon and pork chops, I really don’t care for ham. I can’t explain why. I’ll have a slice or two, but I generally fill up on mashed potatoes and corn. More gifts are exchanged. Well, mostly gift cards, but it’s no big deal. This time is for the nieces and nephews in this house. To make matters better, this year the crack-whore sister-in-law wasn’t there because the courts aren’t allowing her to be in the same residence with her one daughter, who was at this function. For those keeping score at home, this is the other kid this crack-whore popped out; not the out-of-control 19-year old. This kid is the same age as the brother in-laws two kids, and this niece-in-law lives with her father and step-mom, so hopefully she has a chance in this crazy world.
Overall, this year’s Christmas was pretty much the same as the last few. It wasn’t “exciting,” but then again I’m no longer a kid, so it shouldn’t be. In a way, I’m starting to dig watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts and think back to when I was that age. Oh, before going to the in-laws we watched two rented movies: Invincible and The Lady in the Water. Invincible was good for what it was; if you like seeing Marky Mark run around on special teams for the Philadelphia Eagles, then you’ll be in heaven. I actually got a chuckle out of Greg Kinnear playing head coach Dick Vermil, and I never heard the story of that Vince Papale guy before, so that was interesting. As for Lady in the Water, if you buy this movie at full price you’ll be the one all wet. Ugh. I’m not a huge fan of M. Knight What’s-his-name, but then again I don’t “hate” him either. The only film I haven’t seen of his yet is Unbreakable, and since I got that for Christmas, I’m sure I’ll be watching it soon enough. When I do, I’ll rank his movies or something – yeah, that should take up a day’s worth of entries.
If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, chances are you know my opinion toward Division I-A College Football and the whole BcS system. From my 10/16 entry:
But even though I don’t care for college football, I do care about my fellow TSM brethren. When Bored needed an extra participant for this year’s college football pick ‘em contest, I was more than happy to oblige. I mean, it’s only a minute or so out of my busy week to PM him each week’s picks. Well a funny thing happened; I managed to scrap and claw my way to the Meow Mix Pussy Bowl up against my hated rival Kotz. Well, maybe not “hated rival,” but I know he won’t be inviting me over for dinner anytime soon. I figured because I post all my NFL selections, why not include this year’s bowl games?
Please note that I have spent zero time actually thinking about these selections, which is how I approached my selections for Bored’s contest. Now if USC is playing California Christian Academy Tech in Week 1, then I’m going with the Trojans. But for just about anything else, I’m completely in the dark, which in many cases would probably be the best way to pick games. I have no idea which teams have already won, nor do I really care. I’ll probably do a recap after the BcS game to see how good (or bad) I did. Oh, and Papajohns.com Bowl? Insight Bowl? Meineke Car Care Bowl? International Bowl with Cincinnati vs. Western Michigan on January 6? The hell?
December 19th
Poinsettia: TCU vs. Northern Illinois
December 21st
Las Vegas: BYU vs. Oregon
December 22nd
New Orleans: Troy vs. Rice
December 23rd
Papajohns.com: South Florida vs. East Carolina
New Mexico: New Mexico vs. San Jose State
Armed Forces: Tulsa vs. Utah
December 24th
Hawaii: Arizona State vs. Hawaii
December 26th
Motor City: Middle Tennessee vs. Central Michigan
December 27th
Emerald: Florida State vs. UCLA
December 28th
Independence: Oklahoma State vs. Alabama
Holiday: California vs. Texas A&M
Texas: Rutgers vs. Kansas State
December 29th
Music City: Clemson vs. Kentucky
Sun: Oregon State vs. Missouri
Liberty: Houston vs. South Carolina
Insight: Texas Tech vs. Minnesota
Champs Sports: Purdue vs. Maryland
December 30th
Meineke Car Care: Navy vs. Boston College
Alamo: Texas vs. Iowa
Chick-fil-A: Georgia vs. Virginia Tech
December 31st
MPC Computers: Miami vs. Nevada
January 1st
Outback: Tennessee vs. Penn State
Cotton: Auburn vs. Nebraska
Gator: West Virginia vs. Georgia Tech
Capital One: Arkansas vs. Wisconsin
Rose: USC vs. Michigan
Fiesta: Boise State vs. Oklahoma
January 2nd
Orange: Louisville vs. Wake Forest
January 3rd
Sugar: Notre Dame vs. LSU
January 6th
International: Cincinnati vs. Western Michigan
January 7th
GMAC: Ohio vs. Southern Miss
January 8th
BCS Championship: Florida vs. Ohio State
Oh righty. Let’s see if I can end the regular season on a positive note.
(2.5) N.Y. Giants at Washington
The Giants still have a shot at the playoffs. From NFL.com:
I’ll make it easy. Redskins win, Tiki’s dreams of a Bettis-like sendoff get dashed and everyone can blame the coach.
Atlanta at Philadelphia (7.5)
The Falcons still have a shot at the playoffs. From NFL.com:
I’ll make this easy. The Falcons will lose. But will they lose by a big amount? I’ll say no.
Buffalo at Baltimore (9.5)
The Ravens still have a shot at claiming home-field advantage, and even though they’ll probably win, I’ll give the Bills a fighting chance.
(2.5) Carolina at New Orleans
The Panthers are still in the playoff hunt, but I still have that bad taste a few weeks back against the Steelers where they quit, so I’ll say go Saints.
Cleveland at Houston (4.5)
No playoff talk here. Houston will probably win, but will they win by four-and-a-half points? Sure.
Detroit at Dallas (12.5)
I hope the Cowboys get up by 10 and then put it in cruse control.
Green Bay at Chicago (2.5)
The Packers can clinch a playoff. From NFL.com:
But the Bears will win and ruin what could possibly be BRETT FAVRE’S FINAL REGULAR-SEASON NFL GAME.
Jacksonville at Kansas City (2.5)
Both teams need this win to bolster their playoff chances. Will the Chiefs lost two home games in December in the same season? I’m going with history on this one.
Miami at Indianapolis (9.5)
After that Houston loss, now I’d say it’s panic time for the Colts. Then again, maybe this “nothing-to-lose” mindset going into the playoffs might be good for Indianapolis.
New England at Tennessee (3.5)
Will this second-half-of-the-season rally stop here for the Titans? I’ll be a party pooper and say yes.
Oakland at N.Y. Jets (12.5)
I’ll say the Jets will win, but not by a dozen points.
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (6.5)
For all the crap the Steelers have gone through this season, to finish 8-8 will be much better than 7-9. However, I have to imagine the Bengals will be out for blood after what happened the last time the Bengals hosted the Steelers.
Seattle at Tampa Bay (3.5)
Even though Seattle has clinched the NFC West, that’s not saying much. I’m sure they would like end the season on a winning note before trying to make it back to the Super Bowl.
(2.5) St. Louis at Minnesota
The Rams can clinch a playoff spot, according to NFL.com, if the following happens.
I’ll say why not.
Arizona at San Diego (13.5)
Wow. I’m sure the Chargers will win, but will they win by that big a margin? Hopefully, the Chargers’ second unit will be able to trounce the Cardinals’ starters.
San Francisco at Denver (10.5)
The Broncos will probably win, but the 49ers will make it a game.
For the new year, I'm going to be trying something different. Instead of waiting until the end of the day to post an entry, I'm gong to post whenever I feel like it throughout the day. When I "finalize" an entry, I will give it a title.
11 p.m.
• Well, I guess Michigan can stop bitching about how they were Jewed out of playing for the BcS "National Title Game."
• Dennis Green and Jim Mora Jr. got canned from their respective NFL head coaching gigs. You know, when I first heard a few years back that Green would be taking over the helm at Arizona I actually thought he would have have a chance at turning around that time. Then after five seconds my thoughts turned to something more plausible -- like establishing colonies on Mars. Regarding Mora, eh.
• Years ago I bought these four-player checker and chess boards, and the few times I used them the games got REALLY confusing. I can't imagine a three-way with ping-pong balls would be much less chaotic.
5 p.m.
Just heard Bobby Knight finally passed Dean Smith for most wins by a Division One college basketball coach. Good. I like Knight. Sure he's an asshole, but that's why I like him.
3 p.m.
For those that follow my kkk Bowl IV contest, here are the regular-season standings.
Final Standings
AFC EAST
* Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 9-7 < PF: 119, PA: 111, AFC: 7-5, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 5-1 >
New York Jets (Gert T) 8-8 < PF: 113, PA: 112, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 2-4 >
New England Patriots (nl-asshole) 7-8-1 < PF: 116, PA: 106, AFC: 3-8-1, NFC: 4-0, DIV: 1-5 >
Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 5-11 < PF: 117, PA: 122, AFC: 4-8, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 4-2 >
AFC NORTH
* Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 12-4 < PF: 113, PA: 103, AFC: 10-2, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 5-1 >
Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) 8-7-1 < PF: 110, PA: 108, AFC: 6-5-1, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 2-3-1 >
Baltimore Ravens (King PK) 7-8-1 < PF: 112, PA: 114, AFC: 5-6-1, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 1-4-1 >
Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) 6-9-1 < PF: 109, PA: 127, AFC: 5-6-1, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 3-3 >
AFC SOUTH
* Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 10-6 < PF: 111, PA: 110, AFC: 7-5, NFC: 3-1, DIV: 4-2 >
* Indianapolis Colts (Prime Time Andrew Doyle) 9-7 < PF: 123, PA: 113, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 3-1, DIV: 3-3 >
* Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 9-7 < PF: 118, PA: 123, AFC: 5-7, NFC: 4-0, DIV: 3-3 >
Houston Texans (Bored) 7-9 < PF: 115, PA: 116, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 2-4 >
AFC WEST
* Kansas City Chiefs (Alfdogg) 9-6-1 < PF: 118, PA: 111, AFC: 6-5-1 NFC: 3-1, DIV: 3-2-1 >
Oakland Raiders (Smues) 8-8 < PF: 127, PA: 120, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 4-2 >
Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) 8-8 < PF: 112, PA: 115, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 2-4 >
San Diego Chargers (Porter) 7-8-1 < PF: 118, PA: 126, AFC: 5-6-1, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 2-3-1 >
NFC EAST
* Philadelphia Eagles (Harley Quinn) 9-6-1 < PF: 123, PA: 116, AFC: 1-3, NFC: 8-3-1, DIV: 5-1 >
New York Giants (Cartman) 7-9 < PF: 113, PA: 121, AFC: 1-3, NFC: 6-6, DIV: 3-3 >
Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 7-9 < PF: 103, PA: 113, AFC: 0-4, NFC: 7-5, DIV: 2-4 >
Dallas Cowboys (Hawk 34) 5-11 < PF: 107, PA: 123, AFC: 1-2, NFC: 4-9, DIV: 3-3 >
NFC NORTH
* Detroit Lions (Bravesfan) 11-5 < PF: 123, PA: 107, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 9-3, DIV: 3-3 >
* Green Bay Packers (Vitamin X) 9-7 < PF: 97, PA: 103, AFC: 1-3, NFC: 8-4, DIV: 5-1 >
* Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 9-7 < PF: 123, PA: 112, AFC: 1-3, NFC: 8-4, DIV: 4-2 >
Chicago Bears (Agent Of Oblivion) 5-11 < PF: 103, PA: 120, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 2-10, DIV: 1-5 >
NFC SOUTH
* Atlanta Falcons (King Of The 909) 12-4 < PF: 134, PA: 113, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 9-3, DIV: 6-0 >
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Starvenger) 9-7 < PF: 125, PA: 119, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 7-5, DIV: 3-3 >
New Orleans Saints (Cena’s Writer) 6-9-1 < PF: 118, PA: 110, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 4-7-1, DIV: 2-4 >
Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 5-11 < PF: 113, PA: 122 AFC: 2-2, NFC: 3-9, DIV: 1-5 >
NFC WEST
* Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 8-8 < PF: 121, PA: 111, AFC: 1-3 NFC: 7-5, DIV: 5-1 >
Seattle Seahawks (Chazz 1998) 8-8 < PF: 119, PA: 110, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 6-6, DIV: 4-2 >
St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) 7-9 < PF: 125, PA: 119, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 4-8, DIV: 0-6 >
San Francisco 49ers (Lightning Flik) 6-10 < PF: 106, PA: 122, AFC: 1-3, NFC: 5-7, DIV: 3-3 >
PLAYOFF SEEDINGS:
AFC:
1) Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 12-4
2) Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 10-6
3) Kansas City Chiefs (Alfdogg) 9-6-1
4) Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 9-7
5) Indianapolis Colts (Prime Time Andrew Doyle) 9-7
6) Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 9-7
Notes:
IND and TEN split their regular-season series and have the same DIV record. IND gets the higher seed due to a better Conference record.
Wild Card Weekend:
Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 9-7 @ Kansas City Chiefs (Alfdogg) 9-6-1
Indianapolis Colts (Prime Time Andrew Doyle) 9-7 @ Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 9-7
NFC:
1) Atlanta Falcons (King Of The 909) 12-4
2) Detroit Lions (Bravesfan) 11-5
3) Philadelphia Eagles (Harley Quinn) 9-6-1
4) Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 8-8
5) Green Bay Packers (Vitamin X) 9-7
6) Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 9-7
Notes:
1) GB and MIN split their regular-season series (I first thought MIN swept the series). GB has the better divisional record.
2) GB and MIN both have a better Conference record than TB.
3) AZ and SEA split their regular-season series. AZ has the better divisional record.
Wild Card Weekend:
Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 9-7 @ Philadelphia Eagles (Harley Quinn) 9-6-1
Green Bay Packers (Vitamin X) 9-7 @ Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 8-8
7 p.m.
I heard it on his radio show this morning. Neal Boortz's radio show is back in Shittsburgh!
Well, it will be on tape delay, but the fact he's back in the market gives me hope for this region yet. He first came here when 104.7 switched to a RIGHT-WING RADIO network a few years back. At that time they needed something to fill the early afternoon slot since Rush was on another station. This is where I began listening to Boortz's show. As the weeks and months went by I began keeping his show on longer and longer until I stopped listening to Rush and Jim Rome altogether. Sadly, 104.7 took Rush away from the other station, moving Boortz to some commie-fag station. He got deep-sixed shortly thereafter. But now he's back, baby. Too bad I listen to his local Atlanta/nationally syndicated broadcasts online now, but that's neither here nor there. One funny note, Neal will be going up against his fellow 750-AM WSB talker Clark Howard, who is on the above-mentioned commie-fag station. Both shows are on tape delay in Shittsburgh, but that's OK -- it always takes this place a while to get with the times.
4:30 p.m.
I love my neighborhood. As I was driving home from work today, I got behind a school bus making its routine stops on my street. From the bus jumped out a girl (no older than 6th grade, probably) dressed in a prissy outfit on her way to her house, which, like many in my neighborhood are nice, especially for this area. Following her was this kid in raggedy jeans and a flannel shirt that headed over to his dad, who also had on raggedy jeans and a flannel shirt. I guess they were going somewhere because the dad was by a pick-up truck. Now I'm not making fun of the kid and his old man for their lot in life. I'm laughing because the dad had a mullet. I needed the chuckle, especially considering earlier in the commute two asshole motorists almost hit me and another driver as we pulled over to the side of the road to let a fire truck and ambulance, both with blaring sirens, pass us by. I laid on the horn for about a block-and-a-half and shouted various obscenities at them. Assholes.
The better half says I have a bad case of road rage, but I beg to differ. Yeah, I can lose my temper when I'm behind the wheel, but it's only at people who nearly inflict massive harm onto me by their negligence. If someone is driving the speed limit in the right-hand lane and I want to go faster, I don't get upset. If I did, I would consider that road rage. You are getting upset at someone for following the rules. Now if you were safely driving and some idiot decided to disregard your well being by pulling out in front of you despite having a yield sign, then I say you should be allowed to scare the shit out of them by laying on the horn and incessantly cursing. Hell, if you have something to throw out your car window, go ahead. If you freak that person out enough, perhaps they will think twice before putting someone else's life in jeopardy. You could be a hero.
9 p.m.
So not only were the players roiding up during that magical summer of '98, but the baseballs were juiced, too? Oh my world is crashing down all around me. How could this have happened? HOW?!
7 p.m.
• There's an interesting topic over in the Sports folder regarding how the NFL should treat overtime games. Currently, it's the first team to score wins. It doesn't matter if points are scored on the overtime's opening drive, in the final seconds or on a turnover. Here's how college football does its thing, according to Wikipedia:
For years, the debate has been whether or not the NFL should adopt college football's overtime system. For years I have been in the "keep it as-is" crowd. Hey, each team had 60 minutes to score more points. If your offense doesn't take the field in overtime because the other team scored first, too bad. This is football. Quit yer bitchin'. However, recently I have been starting to wonder if the NFL won't be better if this change is made. After all, the two-point conversion made the NFL a better product, in my opinion. I think I may eventually change my opinion on this one.
5 p.m.
• This seemed to be the topic du jour on sports talk radio today.
If you can find a school that will pay you a shitload of money for a decade or so, then go for it. One thing that makes me chuckle whenever a coach leaves on place for another, especially on an amateur level, is that they always get on their players about commitment, dedication, pride, and all that other hippie shit. Then they pack up and leave when a better offer arrives on their doorstep. When I was entering 10th grade, my high school hired some redneck football coach who got on our players about being in the weight room and all that other jock stuff. Now even though I couldn’t stand him, he did turn our football program around. As my high school years progressed, our teams didn’t have winning records, but these contests were much more competitive. When I was a senior, our team got off to a slow start after losing a few close games, but you could tell this wasn’t the same team as in year’s past. In fact, it was predicted that the graduating class to come after mine would be playoff-bound (and in fact they were, as well as a few other classes after that). But one thing I’ll remember is that this same coach, who had his players commit all their time and energy to playing for him, left after my junior year for a better deal. I heard quite a few players on that team were crying when the coach announced his intentions.
• Pat Robertson is predicting a terrorist attack on the United States sometime later this year. Was this one of those direct-calls from God?
Hate to break it to you, Pat, but the terrorists already struck last September. And while I'm on the subject of Congress.
You know, I guess I could go “OMG partisan politics” and all that shit, but I don’t care. Democrats won the last election – they can institute all the commie programs they want. To the victor go the spoils.
• I was driving to my old man’s house during the holidays and was behind this hippie couple with all these bumper stickers attached to their piece of shit truck. While many were run-of-the-mill slogans, one got a laugh out of me. It was all white with red letters and read “Say No To Empire.” WTF? I wish we were an empire. That way, instead of all this politically correct bullshit we could flatten the entire Middle East, take their oil and turn that region into a big Wal-Mart. And forget about culturally sensitive meals at Club Gitmo.
9 p.m.
• 100 Most Influential Hispanics? I don't think I could name 100 Hispanics, period. Wait a second: I forgot about baseball players. Nevermind, I'm good.
• So what if our former Chief Justice thought the CIA was out to get him. This was the CIA, so it was probably true.
5 p.m.
• Update on the turkey baster family. For those not in the know, here is what I am talking about:
Mrs. kkk found out this afternoon, when trying to call Tonya to RSVP her presence at little Reba's birthday party this weekend, that Tonya turns her ringer off. Why? Because she's tired of all the bill-collectors calling. Oh, and Gary is pissed off because with Tonya's job of sitting around doing nothing, err, I mean cleaning her aunt's house (actually, I think it now may be her mom, rather than aunt) for the State, they are $100 over some marker and can't collect as much welfare. Of course, that was bound to happen when Gary eventually gets upgraded to full-time status with the County Courthouse's janitorial staff. I should note that the better half will be going to this party and not me. Why is that? Because these people didn't attend our wedding. Believe me, I didn't want them attending. I love cashing in "Get Out Of Family Events Because The People Hosting It Didn't Come To Your Wedding" cards.
3 p.m.
• Now let me get this straight...
So while black people were on top of houses waiting to be rescued, cops were saving frozen embryos? That's ... the most awesome thing I've ever heard. Yeah, I know it says this rescue took place a fortnight after the storm, but that information is all the way down in the fifth paragraph -- nobody actually reads that far down in these posted articles.
• Christ, I can't remember who I picked in Week 16. I'll just do a "correct/incorrect" quickie run-down and highlight the really stupid things I said while predicting this week's slate of games.
Minnesota at Green Bay (3.5) –– Incorrect
(6.5) Kansas City at Oakland –– Correct
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (3.5) –– Correct
Carolina at Atlanta (6.5) -– Correct
(4.5) Chicago at Detroit -- Correct (The joke was almost on me.)
(9.5) Indianapolis at Houston -- Incorrect
New England at Jacksonville (2.5) -- Correct
New Orleans at N.Y. Giants (3.5) -- Incorrect (Final score: Saints 30, Giants 7.)
Tampa Bay at Cleveland (3.5) -- Correct
Tennessee at Buffalo (4.5) -- Correct
Washington at St. Louis (2.5) -- Incorrect
Arizona at San Francisco (4.5) -- Incorrect
Cincinnati at Denver (3.5) -- Incorrect
(4.5) San Diego at Seattle -- Incorrect
Philadelphia at Dallas (7.5) -- Incorrect
N.Y. Jets at Miami (2.5) -- Incorrect
This week's score: 7-9
Cumulate score: 107-117
Well, it was looking good until those pesky last 6 games.
Oops. I forgot about my Week 15 Pickkk results.
11 p.m.
• Not only are these non-Americans taking our jobs, but they are also taking our contests. If the mother is not a legal resident, and if the rules state citizenship is a requirement, then she doesn't get the prize money. I guess since she can't run for President, that must smack of second-class citizenship, too.
4:30 p.m.
• I love Wild Card weekend. Four games throughout the weekend – you can’t beat that. Time to make some pickkks:
Kansas City at Indianapolis (7.5)
Because everybody is expecting a 52-49 shootout, I’m sure this will probably end up being a 6-3 affair. Kansas City needs to run the ball and this matchup favors them. Indy needs to score a bunch of points because of a poor defense and this matchup favors them. What will happen? I have no idea. But this game is at Indy, and it’s not a divisional playoff, so I’m hoping Manning doesn’t choke until another round or two into the postseason. Since I’m making people pick final scores in my kkk Bowl contest, I’ll say Indy 40, KC 27.
Dallas at Seattle (3.5)
These two teams haven’t been playing well as of late, so I’m just hoping the home field really does play an advantage in this contest. Dallas has won on the road this year, and Seattle plays in the NFC West, so I have no idea how this one will turn out. Seattle 24, Dallas 17.
New York Jets at New England (8.5)
This one intrigues me. These teams split the season series. The Pats pretty much dominated the first game, with a few freak plays keeping the Jets close. The Jets then beat New England on their home field in the next game. Now will the more experienced Patriots kick it into high gear in the playoffs, or will the Jets hang tough against a divisional foe? The only reason I’m going with the Jets is because this doesn’t look like the same Patriots from year’s past. New England 20, New York 13.
New York Giants at Philadelphia (7.5)
Philly has been playing good late in the season, and the Giants have been inconsistent. However, because this is a divisional match-up I’ll go with the Giants, even though I think Philadelphia will win. New York 17, Philly 21.
3:30 p.m.
• Might as well finish up my NFL pickkk results for the rest of the regular season.
First are my Week 15 results, which I forgot all about.
San Francisco at Seattle: Correct
Dallas at Atlanta: Correct
Cleveland at Baltimore: Incorrect
Detroit at Green Bay: Correct
Houston at New England: Incorrect
Jacksonville at Tennessee: Correct
Miami at Buffalo: Incorrect
N.Y. Jets at Minnesota: Correct
Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants: Correct
Pittsburgh at Carolina: Incorrect
Tampa Bay at Chicago: Correct
Washington at New Orleans: Correct
Denver at Arizona: Correct
Kansas City at San Diego: Incorrect
St. Louis at Oakland: Correct
Cincinnati at Indianapolis: Correct
This week's record: 11-5
Week 17 results:
N.Y. Giants at Washington: Incorrect
Atlanta at Philadelphia: Correct
Buffalo at Baltimore: Incorrect
Carolina at New Orleans: Incorrect
Cleveland at Houston: Correct
Detroit at Dallas: Correct
Green Bay at Chicago: Incorrect
Jacksonville at Kansas City: Correct
Miami at Indianapolis: Correct
New England at Tennessee: Correct
Oakland at N.Y. Jets: Incorrect
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: Incorrect
Seattle at Tampa Bay: Correct
St. Louis at Minnesota: Correct
Arizona at San Diego: Incorrect
San Francisco at Denver: Incorrect
This Week's record: 8-8
Year-end total: 126-130
Well, that's almost .500
• A while back I talked about this MTV show called "My Sweet 16," and how I wanted to take a shovel to the head of each of these spoiled brats. It was during this time I vowed never to watch this show again. I lied. I just had an episode on where some chick had a party that cost more than my college education, and the event was almost ruined when some boy put his face into her $800 birthday cake, toppling it onto the floor. While that was funny enough, there was then video of this kid being taken away in a police car.
6 p.m.
• Those wacky Democrats are already breaking their promises. Sound the alarms. From Drudge.
Actually, I really don't care how many days a week Congress works. The fewer the better, in my opinion. What I would like to see are all federal and state politicians not be eligible for pensions and shit after they leave their elected jobs. Politics wasn't meant to be a lifetime career, unless you started out as a lowly state representative and advanced every few terms all the way to senator or governor. I don't believe in term limits, but I can sympathize with anyone who favors them.
2:30 p.m.
• I was wondering when we'd get back around to the "OMG people are too scared to elect a powerful woman to office" talk. From some Jew at a Chicago paper.
So I guess if I don't vote for Hitlerly in '08 I'm afraid of powerful women. And the fact that she's the Anti-Christ would have nothing to do with my choice. Oh, and if we get our own Margaret Thatcher, rest assured I'd vote for her. Unless of course her tits were small.
11 a.m.
• So it was midnight and I was scanning On Demand and decided to partake in the awesomeness of Roadhouse, the bouncer flick to end all bouncer flicks. Just when Jack Dalton was about to accept an employment offer from the Double Deuce, I get a call from the mother-in-law, asking for Mrs. kkk. I told her that she hadn't returned home from work yet. Minutes later the better half called. Thinking something was up, I asked what was going on. My out-of-control niece-in-law had left my mother-in-law a suicide note. Whatever. Too bad she's too fucking lazy to actually kill herself. Turns out it was nothing more than an attention ploy. A whole bunch of shouting and fighting ensued between the 19-year old and the better half once she found her at one of her usual hangouts. I asked the Mrs. when someone writes a note like that don't they have to be committed or something? I was told yes. Too bad that didn't happen, but I'm not getting involved. I learned a long time ago to stay away from psycho bitches, even if my intent is not to stick my dick in one of their orifices. Hopefully, last night's action will cause the better half to disown her niece, much like Mrs. kkk has done with her crack-whore sister, who in an odd twist of fate, is the mother of the out-of-control niece-in-law.
But everything all worked out in the end. I did manage to watch Roadhouse before going to bed last night. And the sheer awfulness of watching this in all of its unedited glory has me yearning to view it in widescreen. "A polar bear fell on me." Jesus Christ.
• I can only hope this is the start of more lawsuits relating to the Duke case. When it comes to rape accusations, unless the accused is saying the rape took place 20 years ago, I give the accuser the benefit of the doubt. However, as this story started falling into place, it became clear that these students were being set up. Let the litigation begin.
8:30 p.m.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 43: Anglesaut
I don’t frequent the wrestling folders of this place; the same goes with many of those “The One And Only” threads talking about a baseball playoff series, or something of that nature. So when people complained about Anglesaut’s obsession with the New York Yankees, I turned a blind eye. (Or is it a deaf ear?) I will remember this banned poster for something he said, but it wasn’t posted in a wrestling or sports thread. It was in one of the many cookie-cutter current events threads that talked about some youth cretin tried to kill his family/teacher/friend/etc. You know the thread. This is when all the hate-mongers (like me) wanted this person dead while all the pussies wanted to give him counseling and hugs. In response to some “a 14-year old doesn’t know what he’s doing,” response, Mr. Sault replied, “I'm fairly certain that these kids knew that the fire boom-boom stick would cause boo-boos.” One of my favorite lines.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
From SFA Jack:
4:30 p.m.
• Some free advice. When your better half asks you what you have planned for the day (Sunday, January 14) before her birthday, don't say, "watching football."
3 p.m.
• Let’s see how well I did with my Wild Card pickkks.
Kansas City at Indianapolis (7.5)
Well, I got Indy right. I predicted them to win and they did. I do feel bad for the Chiefs defensive unit though. My God was Kansas City’s offense anemic. I thought they might start the game throwing or doing some playaction since the talk I heard all week was that Larry Johnson was going to get 50 carries. I remember last year the Steelers started the game out unexpectedly by throwing a few passes to their tight end Heath Miller, and I thought the Chiefs might do the same. I was wrong. And the Colts really need to sign that Ty Law so he won’t intercept Peyton Manning in the playoffs.
Dallas at Seattle (3.5)
I was wrong. Seattle won, but not by more than a field goal. After watching that botched field-goal snap, I have to thank my stars that Romo didn't run in for a touchdown and instead got tackled before reaching the first-down marker. Good God, that play would be playing on ESPN in a continous loop.
New York Jets at New England (8.5)
Wrong, but it was an entertaining game. Even though I thought the Pats would win with a close final score, the Jets played them tough until that fatal backwards pass which changed the entire complexion of the game.
New York Giants at Philadelphia (7.5)
Poor Emily. I got this game right –– a narrow Philly win -- but what scared me during this contest is that I realized what the media coverage would be like should Emily and Peyton ever meet in the Super Bowl. Good thing that’s not going to happen this year. I still get the shivers whenever I think back to MANNING BOWL I all the way back in Week 1 of this season.
11:15 a.m.
• So there's a stink in New York City.
And how exactly is this news -- was there more cab drivers than usual on the road?
7:30 p.m.
• Time to bring yet another NFL prediction game to closure. Back in September I guessed which games on the NFL’s new flex schedule would make it to the prime-time slot. Let’s see how I fared. Below was my prediction for each week followed by that game’s score. If another game was called by Al Michaels and John Madden that week, I put it in parentheses below.
Week 10. Chicago at New York: 38-20. Correct.
Week 11. Indianapolis at Dallas: 21-14. Incorrect.
(San Diego at Denver: 35-27)
Week 12. Carolina at Washington: 13-17. Incorrect.
(Philadelphia at Indianapolis: 21-45)
Week 13. Seattle at Denver: 23-20. Correct.
Week 14. Indianapolis at Jacksonville: 44-17. Incorrect.
(New Orleans at Dallas: 42-17)
Week 15. Kansas City at San Diego: 9-20. Correct.
Week 16. Cincinnati at Denver: 23-24. Incorrect.
(San Diego at Seattle: 20-17)
Week 17. Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: 23-17. Incorrect.
(Green Bay at Chicago: 26-7)
Well, I went 3-8. Uh, yay and stuff.
While I’m on the subject of football, I might as well give my opinion of how each pre-game show did. ESPN – yeah, right. Fox? Simply dreadful. I never knew how much I liked James Brown until after he went to CBS. Historically I had always tuned in to the Fox pregame show more than anywhere else, and when I heard their Week 1 telecast, I couldn’t believe my ears. I gave the benefit of the doubt to that new token black guy; after all, it would take a while for that crew to develop chemistry. However, whenever I tuned in to Fox as the season progressed, I still didn’t care for them. CBS, on the other hand, got even better with Brown acting as the non-jock moderator. I must though that my favorite group was NBC’s “Football Night in America.” It started out “eh” for me, but as the season went on I felt that quartet meshed better with each passing week. Besides, I’m a Bob Costas fanboy, so I know I’m being a bit biased here. And I’ll even step up and defend that Pink opening song. It’s not great or anything, but it was certainly passable, especially if you had it playing in a nearby room and didn’t have to see the campy video that accompanied this jingle.
6:45 p.m.
• Well this day started out innocently enough. Then I found out that I know a person who knows the person that was the subject of the following story.
Minutes after learning of this, I get a call from the better half telling me her one uncle died. We didn’t know the person that well – I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before, but it was odd to have those two things hit me at once. Not that either one affect me in the slightest, but oh well.
8:45 p.m.
• So I'm flipping channels during commercials of the Eagles/Saints game and what do I come across? Vh1's white rapper show.
Oh my God. So the fat chick is saying the 'n' word. LOL. Wow is this so bad. PUT YOUR HATS ON STRAIGHT! Now the fat chick is crying because she said "nigga," had to wear a big necklace that said "N-Word" and is now crying because she said that word? I think I found my new favorite train wreck.
8 p.m.
• Well, nobody farted at the funeral today, but I got the thinking. Even though I'm old for TSM message board standards, I'm still young out there in the real world and don't really think of death. I do more than I used to, but it's still not very much. In fact, except for a freak accident while driving or something like that, I can't imagine dying right now. However, would I feel the same should I make it to age 70+? I mean, would I be opening my arms to the reaper at this time, or would I want to whittle away at some nursing home because I can't walk up stairs and always pooping my pants? Actually, I wonder what nursing homes would be like when I'm old. By that time, Internet-experienced people like myself would probably demand Internet access in every room. Christ, that would be something. Logging onto this place in 2027 and still hearing about how the McMahons are screwing up their company. I'm not sure if I'd be looking forward to death, even if I get to be of that age. Probably because I'd always want to know who wins the next championship in professional sports. "Yeah, I made it to see the Nashville Rockies win the '31 World Series, but the Stanley Cup is only six months away, and I want to see if the Kansas City Penguins can win Lord Stanley's Cup."
"
8 a.m.
• Indianapolis at Baltimore (4.5)
This game would favor Baltimore, but I seem to remember the Colts having the Ravens’ number over the past few years. Hey, I was right.
Nevertheless, with Baltimore having McNair at quarterback and playing at home, I think this will be the time the Ravens pull one out. Baltimore 20, Indianapolis 10.
Philadelphia at New Orleans (5.5)
The season after Katrina hit and now the Saints are hosting a playoff game. If it wasn’t for this, I would be going with the Eagles. New Orleans 24, Philadelphia 17.
Seattle at Chicago (8.5)
The Bears still have a question mark at the quarterback spot, but because they’re playing the Seahawks, I don’t think it will matter – not even with that point spread. If Chicago pummeled Seattle in the regular season like they did (37-6), I don’t see much of a change now. Chicago 26, Seattle 13.
New England at San Diego (4.5)
OK, I’ve heard all week from sports pundits that this is the year Marty Schottenheimer wins the big game. I can’t do that just yet. I still have memories of that Chiefs’ upset back in the mid-90s when Marty had his team at a 13-3 record. I remember all those Browns teams who couldn’t get it done in the playoffs. I remember that 12-4 record back during the 2004-05 season that resulted in a wild-card loss to the Jet. Could the Chargers win it all? Sure. But Marty has to show he can take the necessary steps to get to the big game. The Patriots have done that in spades. New England 17, San Diego 14. (With that said, watch the Chargers win 30-0)
9:15 p.m.
Well today was when we celebrated the better half's birthday. It's not until tomorrow, but seeing how it's a workday (for me anyway and for her regarding the second job) we generally give presents for a b-day on the weekend before. When it's my birthday we go to Red Lobster (she hates watching me eat crab legs and lobster tail, and frankly I don't blame her). For her day it's usually Chinese takeout. Of course I went in to work in the early morning and came back with a bitch of a flu. And I have to go in tomorrow. Yippie. I got her Season 1 of the Ghost Whisperer. I'm pretty sure the black chick from Talk Soup is on this show, and I seem to remember a few actors/actresses appear in guest spots on this series that were on other shows she used to watch. (Providence and Charmed to name a few.) Well, I guess she'll be watching this nonstop until the next season of Charmed comes out on DVD. It could be worse. I heard Carolyn Manheim is on Season 2 of this show. Well, that's going to take away any impure thoughts I'll have with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I also got her Season 7 of Seinfeld and Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet CD. But it's not just any CD it's some hippie DUAL CD/DVD/CAR ALARM THAT ALSO ACTS AS A REMOTE CONTROL DEVICE FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR'S MICROWAVE! I have a few of these "special" CDs, but I never bother to play around with them. A while back I bought a ton of these "remastered" ACDC albums that supposedly have unlockable stuff in them, but I'm never in the mood to fiddle with them. When I want to listen to ACDC I'll play ACDC. Whenever I want to insert one of these things in my computer I ... well, I never really want to. Oh well. I guess it's nice to have all these neat-o features on something that I'll never use than to never have them at all. This is sort of the same way with DVD special features. I can't remember the last time I watched a special feature of anything, but yet you just "have" to have all that extra footage and behind-the-scenes stuff that is about as exciting as watching paint dry (or reading this blog.) But, once again, 'tis better to have it than to not.
I decided to try this Alka-Seltzer liquid cold medicine to battle this most recent bout with the flu. I'm less than impressed. Then again, I've only had one treatment. I'm a bit disappointed this hasn't knocked me out on my ass already. That's the whole purpose of that "nighttime" medicine. I want to take it and then go, "Damn, this ... is .... some good shit," fall asleep and wake up the next day not remembering how I made it to bed. I figure it never hurts to try out new medicine, especially when it's on sale. That way, if you get jewed out of your value, it's nice to know you didn't pay full retail price for it. Well, I'm about to take a second dosage. Out.
4 p.m.
• Well, the Mexicans are taking over this country anyway, what's the big deal if one becomes president?
My most fond memories of Richardson were back when he was Clinton's Energy Secretary and looked like a clueless fool during the Los Alamos scandal where nuclear secrets went missing. However, he seems to have been doing a good job as governor of New Mexico, or at least as good a job as one can do with a poor state. Oh, wait. He's a Democrat, so I can't say anything nice. That's right. Booooo. Hissssss. Bad Richardson.
9 a.m.
• Shortly after seeing that "To Catch A Predator" show last night, I caught a bit of Spike's "Pros v. Joes" show. Neat idea. I haven't seen much of the program, but from what I have watched I was entertained. The one I saw last night was some "season finale" or something and featured one event where a person had to rush John Rocker on the mound and wrestle him off ASAP. Now it may have been just me, but Rocker seemed to be enjoying his bout with the black contestant, especially during the times where he was getting the upper hand.
