8:30 p.m.
• So I’m getting ready for an interview tomorrow, and I’m going about the business of getting my portfolio ready. Why the hell do I even bother? I can’t remember the last time anyone bothered to even ask for work samples. Of course, if I just go in cold, that’s when the question will be asked. I am generally pretty honest with myself about my chances at a job, and the last few interviews were “eh.” It’s not a big deal – the interviewers themselves were nothing to write home about, and I’m not going to trade one shithole workplace for another. This place I feel has potential. We’ll see tomorrow.
8 p.m.
• You know all those polls you hear about and wonder “Where do they come up with these people?” Well, I’m one of these people. I got a Snoozeweek survey person on the phone right now. Oh my God.
“Is there progress being made in Iraq?”
“Do you approve of the way George W. Bush is handling the economy?”
“Did the Bush Administration do a good job handling the Walter Reed hospital scandal or should more people have been fired?”
“Do you approve of a) gay marriage, b) civil unions, c) burning these queers at the stake?”
Here were my two favorites:
“Would someone who was previously married and went through a nasty public divorce influence whether or not you would vote for them?” (My answer: I’d still vote for Rudy.)
“Would someone who had a grandfather that had multiple wives influence whether or not you would vote for them?” (My answer: I’d still vote for Mitt over that beast Hitlery.)
And then she asked, “Would someone who had a homosexual affair while married influence whether or not you would vote for them?” I said yep. OMG I’M SUCH A HATEMONGER. Too bad that person should have just stayed homo and not started a family because now they are put in the most uncomfortable of uncomfortable positions, and I’m not talking about the backseat of a Volkswagon. I’m surprised they didn’t ask, “Would someone who divorced his wife while she was battling cancer for a younger, more attractive woman influence whether or not you would vote for them?” (BTW: My answer to that would be “yes.” Sorry, Newt.)
When the chick thanked me for my time I replied, “Thanks. I can’t wait to see how you skewer these results.” So when the next Snoozeweek poll gets released and you wonder who are those people that think our country is the shizzle, you’re looking at one, baby. Oh, and I said fuck Congressional Democrats when it comes to issuing troop withdrawals.
8:30 p.m.
• So it looks like the Pens will stay in Shittsburgh. Yay, and stuff.
If this is what Mario wants, then more power to him. I still wanted them to move for reasons I have stated in the past. I wanted them to win the Stanley Cup and head out to KC right after the post-playoff rally – that would have been funny as hell.
• Please keep this story away from Maury Povich.
And no, I'm not going to make "Povich already has enough chimps on his babby-daddy shows." Besides, the white couples are much more entertaining. It seems like they actually care about these paternity tests and are too poor to take them any other way -- the black couples just want their 10 minutes on camera and free trip out to the big city.
• Can you blame the Japs for not wanting to have sex? With some of the video I've seen on-line I'd be afraid to stick anything near those people -- I might have an eel pop out and chomp on my one-eyed appendage.
• Reading this brought back memories.
It was just like that bit Sam Kiniosn did back in the day, when during a drive from Needles and Barstow he decided to take a nap behind the wheel. A few years ago I was driving back from Connecticut to Shittsburgh on business, and instead of spending the night and making the drive in the morning I decided that I could make the trip overnight. Of course, my estimated timing took a turn for the worse after a wrong turn or three. While on the PA Turnpike just a few hours or so away from my exit the thought of napping while driving on a straight road seemed appealing. That was when I decided to wind down all my rent-a-car’s windows and singing out loud even though I had no music on. Forget driving in inclement weather, this moment scared the shit out of me. Fortunately I got through without a hitch and I vowed never to test my staying power when driving on the interstate. And while I’m on this subject, to anyone living in the New York/Connecticut area, you will never have to worry about setting up residence there. No offense, but goddamn there are way too many people living there. Then again, I’d rather have you all concentrated over there yonder than moving to my neck of the woods and gaying up my region – we have enough Democrats as it is already.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 35: Damaramu
Everybody’s favorite TSM hoss, Damaramu will be remembered for his many shenanigans, whether they involved his abuse of power as a library security guard, his dilemnas with 16-year-olds or dealing with the loss of his aborted unborn child. While known for his sports-folder meltdowns whenever the Oklahoma Sooners lost a football game, I’ll remember him better as that journalism student who vigorously pursued his dream of writing athlete profiles and game recaps. And speaking of giving, I even sent him a book that I had to buy during my time in journalism school. Basically, it was a bunch of short stories about what some professionals in the field did their first year out of college and looking for work in this competitive industry. Seeing how Damaramu seemed genuine about his desire to be a reporter, and knowing that I will never again open this gay-ass book, I figured what the hell and mailed him this publication. I doubt he actually read any of those stories (I mentioned him this one story in that book I sent and asked if he read it. He said “no.”), but that doesn’t mean anything in regards to if he’ll make it in this crazy world. I only read one or two of those hippie stories, and look how great I turned out.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Carnival:
From SFA Jack:
9 p.m.
• And like a good neighbor, State Farm is there ... a year-and-a-half after the fact.
Wait a second, I've got State Farm for my auto and homeowner's insurance. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get properly jewed when the time comes, too.
8:30 p.m.
• I knew duct tape was good for many things but wart removal?
• What a pussy.
My three kids gnaw the shit out my hands/arms all the time when I'm playing with them. When we just had Dessa, she used to attack without mercy whenever I was using the computer or when the better half was studying. Did we sue? No. Instead I would give her a kitty treat to go away. Of course, this just conditioned her to scratch and bite until she got her "reward," and once she ate her treat she'd just hop right back onto the desk/table for more. How did I remedy this? Through discipline? Obedience school? No. We just adopted JJ, so Dessa could abuse him instead of us. Poor JJ.
3 p.m.
• So at work today our Marketing Director (Head Insurance Salesman) got called in by upper management because someone from our office staff complained about him taking his kid to the doctors last week during "business hours." There's one tiny problem -- the work responsibilities he has speak nothing of what hours he has to be in the office. As the head salesman, he doesn't have to be in the office 40 hours per week, or even 4 for that matter. All that matters is the business he brings in, and when you look at the figures, we nearly doubled out 2006 applications from 2005’s total (of which he started in April of 2005). You don’t even want to know the business he did when compared to 2004’s numbers. And of course nobody from our upper management knew of the Marketing Director’s “office hours,” even though they are the ones who made up the policy and told our Marketing Director of his “required time” in office during his interview! I guess I could also mention all the evening/weekend work he has done out on the road, but I'm still laughing over the first part of this post.
7:45 p.m.
• What's this?
Please let it be a Jew bitching about the “Passion.”
Oh well. Maybe next time.
Good for Mel. Too bad he wasn’t drunk. It would have been more entertaining.
Oh shut up you fucking bitch. “Your people” did some crazy shit – all cultures do. Deal with it.
Here’s my favorite part.
For the last fucking time – THIS PART OF THE WORLD WAS FUCKED UP BEFORE WHITEY CAME ALONG AND TOOK ALL YOUR GOLD! Say, this reminds me of my Quickie Mart days. There was this hippie chick that I used to work with. Well, actually, “hippie,” doesn’t do her justice. She was one of those wiccan moonbats who really believed all that shit, and this was before “Charmed” made wicca cool: or at least showed some practitioners with nice tits. Our magic moment came when I told her Indians weren’t these holier-than-thou pacifists and that they could tear shit up with the best of them. I also mentioned the Aztecs would sacrifice and eat their babies to appease the Sun God, or one of those things they worshipped. Did the Aztecs actually do this? I don’t remember, but I probably heard that they did, so it must be true. This chick then said that she followed this one tribe which roamed the Great Plains and lived off what the land provided for them. She then commented that one day they mysteriously disappeared, to which I replied, “That’s because the baby-eating Indians came up and kicked their asses.”
Boy did that sure piss her off. Hey, a quick Google search shows that my baby-eating remark may have legs (and arms, too, depending on Chief I-Sold-New-York-For-A-Bag-Of-Beads-From-The-Dollar-Store's appetite).
And this is from Informationliberation.com – THE NEWS YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW! :o :o :o
• So Eminem, who has bitched in the past about CENSORSHIP, is trying to silence his ex-wife. (They're now divorced? That's right. Today's Friday.)
Oh you got to be shitting me. This can’t be serious.
Hey, what is this? Why, it’s the lyrics to one of Eminem’s songs.
How DARE that bitch say Em is "slacking very much when it comes to the kids." That would make any baby daddy mad enough to kill ... or at least write a song about it.
11:45 p.m.
• So I was flipping channels earlier today and came across some hippie Vh1 show that showed mini-videos. Eh. Oh well, this one got a laugh out of me. While I'm sorta on this subject, I actually like that Gene Simmons show on A&E. I don't watch this program on a regular basis, but if there is nothing else playing I'll put the remote down. I'm not a huge fan of Kiss, but the fact Gene is so obsessed with money makes him one of my heroes.
7:30 p.m.
• I’ve bitched about this before, but I don’t care.
Boo-fucking hoo. If you can’t afford a home, then don’t get a subprime loan you stupid fucks. I know owning a home is the “American Dream” and all that shit, but go at it the right way. Make sound choices in your life. Don’t live beyond your means. And for the love of Christ, don’t get an adjustable mortgage rate. Unlike the family mentioned above in this pseudo-sob story, don’t worry about the foosball table and hot tub until after you get financial matters in order. Oh this shit pisses me off. Sometimes life can throw you a curveball, but if you are prepared for it you have a better chance at properly reacting to whatever comes your way. It pays to hold out for the best possible deal rather than instantly gratify yourself and have it come back to bite you in the ass later.
• If we don’t help out citrus farmers, the terrorists win.
Actually, this type of shit goes on all the time in politics – attaching some pork, err, orange, to a bill that has nothing to do with the added spending. But since Democrats are now in charge I’m OUTRAGED!
• I’m sure this guy, if convicted, can get the East Valley Tribune for free in the prison’s library.
11 p.m.
• This always baffled me.
If you're splitting up, how can you still have an "amicable" relationship? How does one go about arranging such a thing?
"Hi baby, you know I like you and all, right?"
"Yeah, snook-ums."
"Want me to leave and split our assets 50/50?"
"Sure. Don't forget to take out the trash as you leave."
• Now this is funny.
Three paragraphs later...
Oh, yeah, they also talked about Mumia. *shrug*
10:45 p.m.
• Oh boy, MORE BASEBALL DIVERSITY SHIT.
*gag*
OK, you guys win. Get a few Tyrones and Leroys out onto the field in those fancy jerseys and quit talking about this shit already. I like how this annual "Civil Rights Game" is being played by a team with arguably one of the most offensive mascots in any sport. And by "offensive" I mean "offensive if you're a bitch-ass faggot and actually recoil in fear at the sight of this:"
Oh dear, I wonder if the White Sox will ever get a chance to play in this Civil Rights Classic? While I'm on this subject, why is that one 1919 World Series called the BLACK SOX scandal? OMG RACISM! No wonder there aren't any black people playing baseball!!
8 p.m.
• Well, the Final Four is just around the corner, so let’s see how I did this year with my brackkketology. Bolded teams are the ones I picked for that particular game. Teams with a line through were teams I had that got eliminated in an earlier round. Just for shits and giggles, I’m giving myself one point per correct pick for the first round. For the second round I’ll give myself two points per correct pick, and so on.
FIRST ROUND
Florida (1), Jackson State (16): Correct
Arizona (8), Purdue (9): Correct
Butler (5), Old Dominion (12): Correct
Maryland (4), Davidson (13): Correct
Notre Dame (5), Winthrop (11): Correct
Oregon (3), Miami of Ohio (14): Correct
UNLV (7), Georgia Tech (10): Incorrect
Wisconsin (2), Tex A&M CC (15): Correct
Kansas (1), Whoever (16): Correct
Kentucky (8), Villanova (9): Incorrect
Virginia Tech (5), Illinois (12): Incorrect
Southern Illinois (4), Holy Cross (13): Correct
Duke (6), VCU (11): Incorrect
Pittsburgh (3), Wright State (14): Correct
Indiana (7), Gonzaga (10): Correct
UCLA (2), Weber State (15): Correct
North Carolina (1), Eastern Kentucky (16): Correct
Marquette (8), Michigan State (9): Incorrect
Southern Cal (5), Arkansas (12): Correct
Texas (4), New Mexico State (13): Correct
Vanderbilt (6), George Washington (11): Incorrect
Washington State (3), Oral Roberts (14): Correct
Boston College (7), Texas Tech (10): Correct
Georgetown (2), Belmont (15): Correct
Ohio State (1), Central Conn. State (16): Correct
BYU (8), Xavier (9): Correct
Tennessee (5), Long Beach (12): Correct
Virginia (4), Albany (13): Correct
Louisville (6), Stanford (11): Correct
Texas A&M (3), Penn (14): Correct
Nevada (7), Creighton (10): Incorrect
Memphis (2), North Texas (15): Correct
Total score: 25 correct, 7 incorrect. 25 points.
SECOND ROUND
Florida (1), Purdue (9): Correct
Maryland (4), Butler (5): Incorrect
Oregon (3), Winthrop (11): Correct
Wisconsin (2), Georgia Tech (10): Incorrect
Kansas (1), Villanova (9): Correct
Southern Illinois (4), Illinois (12): Correct
Pitt (3), Duke (6): Incorrect
UCLA (2), Indiana (7): Correct
UNC (1), Marquette (8): Correct
Texas (4), Southern Cal (5): Incorrect. Boy was this incorrect.
Washington State (3), George Washington (11): Incorrect.
Georgetown (2), Boston College: Correct
Ohio State (1), Xavier (9): Correct
Virginia (4), Tennessee (5): Correct
Texas A&M (3), Louisville (6): Incorrect
Memphis (2), Creighton (10): Correct
Total score:
10 correct, 6 incorrect. 20 points. 25 cumulative points.
THIRD ROUND
Florida (1), Maryland (4): Correct
Wisconsin (2), Oregon (3): Correct
Kansas (1), Southern Illinois (4): Correct
UCLA (2), Duke (6): Correct
North Carolina (1), Texas (4): Incorrect.
Georgetown (2), George Washington (11): Correct
Ohio State (1), Tennessee (5): Correct
Memphis (2), Louisville (6): Incorrect
6 correct, 2 incorrect. 18 points. 43 cumulative points.
FOURTH ROUND
Florida (1), Oregon (3): Correct
Kansas (1), UCLA (2): Correct
Georgetown (2), Texas (4): Incorrect
Ohio State (1), Louisville (6): Correct
3 correct, 1 incorrect. 12 points. 55 cumulative points.
FINAL FOUR
Florida (1), UCLA (2)
Ohio State (1), Texas (4)
TERRIFIC TWO
Ohio State (1), Florida
So far I have 55 points out of 104. At least when it came to guessing which teams would get this far I got three brackets out of four, and that ain’t bad.
8 p.m.
• Well, today was my big b-day celebration. Even though I don’t turn the big 3-1 until later in the week, the better half insisted that we do all this birthday shit today because next Sunday would be Easter. So I got my gifts: South Park Season 9 DVD and Ron White’s “You Can’t Fix Stupid” DVD. Not sure why I got the White DVD, but she said that I told her one time he was my favorite out of the four Blue Collar comedians. Uh, OK then. After that it was onto Red Lobster for my yearly ultimate feast. The reason we only go to this place once a year on my birthday is because 1) Mrs. kkk hates seafood, and 2) Mrs. kkk can’t watch me eat shellfish. Frankly, I don’t blame her; it’s not a pretty sight. Exciting stuff, I know.
• With the MLB season starting up, many people are giving their predictions. I might as well bust out mine, too. There was a TSM thread started up a while back where people got to pick the over/under on how many games each team will win this season, so I guess that makes sense to do. As an added twist, I challenged that fraud pseudo-baseball expert that uses my oh-so-clever name when commenting on America’s National Pastime. I’m going to post my picks, followed by his, and when the regular season wraps up we’ll see who has the last laugh … bitch.
Please note I haven’t bothered to follow any baseball news this off-season (I barely follow it during the regular season), and the only transactions I know are this: The Red Sox got some Jap, and the Angles paid a lot of money for some guy who was just busted for roids. All the picks that we will differ on will be boldfaced in my selections.
Al kkk-eiper’s picks:
Arizona Diamondbacks 77.5 UNDER
Atlanta Braves 81.5 OVER
Baltimore Orioles 73.5 UNDER
Boston Red Sox 90.5 OVER
Chicago Cubs 85.5 UNDER Now that Racist Dusty is gone, I’m rooting for the Cubs to win the World Series. Well, first they have to be mediocre.
Chicago White Sox 86.5 OVER
Cincinnati Reds 76.5 UNDER
Cleveland Indians 84.5 UNDER
Colorado Rockies 74.5 OVER
Detroit Tigers 87.5 UNDER
Florida Marlins 78.5 UNDER
Houston Astros 78.5 OVER
Kansas City Royals 67.5 UNDER
Los Angeles Angels 89.5 UNDER
Los Angeles Dodgers 88.5 OVER
Milwaukee Brewers 81.5 UNDER
Minnesota Twins 83.5 UNDER
New York Mets 88.0 OVER
New York Yankees 97.0 UNDER
Oakland Athletics 84.5 OVER
Philadelphia Phillies 88.5 UNDER
Pittsburgh Pirates 71.5 UNDER But they played .500 ball the second half of the season!!! But they’re hosting the ALL-STAR GAME~!!! Wait, that was last year.
San Diego Padres 84.0 OVER
San Francisco Giants 81.5 OVER
Seattle Mariners 75.5 UNDER
St Louis Cardinals 84.5 OVER
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 67.0 UNDER
Texas Rangers 81.5 UNDER
Toronto Blue Jays 86.5 UNDER
Washington Nationals 66.5 OVER
Al I’m-a-fraud-Keiper’s picks:
Arizona Diamondbacks 77.5 OVER
Atlanta Braves 81.5 OVER
Baltimore Orioles 73.5 OVER
Boston Red Sox 90.5 OVER
Chicago Cubs 85.5 UNDER
Chicago White Sox 86.5 UNDER
Cincinnati Reds 76.5 OVER
Cleveland Indians 84.5 OVER
Colorado Rockies 74.5 OVER
Detroit Tigers 87.5 UNDER
Florida Marlins 78.5 UNDER
Houston Astros 78.5 UNDER
Kansas City Royals 67.5 OVER
Los Angeles Angels 89.5 OVER
Los Angeles Dodgers 88.5 UNDER
Milwaukee Brewers 81.5 OVER
Minnesota Twins 83.5 OVER
New York Mets 88.0 OVER
New York Yankees 97.0 UNDER
Oakland Athletics 84.5 OVER
Philadelphia Phillies 88.5 UNDER
Pittsburgh Pirates 71.5 OVER
San Diego Padres 84.0 UNDER
San Francisco Giants 81.5 UNDER
Seattle Mariners 75.5 UNDER
St Louis Cardinals 84.5 OVER
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 67.0 OVER
Texas Rangers 81.5 OVER
Toronto Blue Jays 86.5 UNDER
Washington Nationals 66.5 UNDER
Now we’ll see who the real baseball expert is and who is talking out of his ass. You know, I think I'll take all my over/unders and see how they look when I divide the teams by division
NL East
New York Mets 88.0 OVER
Atlanta Braves 81.5 OVER
Philadelphia Phillies 88.5 UNDER
Florida Marlins 78.5 UNDER
Washington Nationals 66.5 OVER
NL Central
St Louis Cardinals 84.5 OVER
Houston Astros 78.5 OVER
Chicago Cubs 85.5 UNDER
Milwaukee Brewers 81.5 UNDER
Cincinnati Reds 76.5 UNDER
Pittsburgh Pirates 71.5 UNDER
NL West
Los Angeles Dodgers 88.5 OVER
San Diego Padres 84.0 OVER
San Francisco Giants 81.5 OVER
Colorado Rockies 74.5 OVER
Arizona Diamondbacks 77.5 UNDER
AL East
Boston Red Sox 90.5 OVER
New York Yankees 97.0 UNDER
Toronto Blue Jays 86.5 UNDER
Baltimore Orioles 73.5 UNDER
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 67.0 UNDER
AL Central
Chicago White Sox 86.5 OVER
Detroit Tigers 87.5 UNDER
Cleveland Indians 84.5 UNDER
Minnesota Twins 83.5 UNDER
Kansas City Royals 67.5 UNDER
AL West
Los Angeles Angels 89.5 UNDER
Oakland Athletics 84.5 OVER
Texas Rangers 81.5 UNDER
Seattle Mariners 75.5 UNDER
…
Remember when I said this:
Yeah, we probably will.
8:30 p.m.
• Due to popular demand (Read: one person) asking for additional pics of the kids, here we go:
This one features JJ guarding the computer desk. Featured in this photo are a Godzilla cup holder from Taco Bell back in the 1990s when they tried to give Godzilla a make-over. Being how I am Godzilla > King Kong, I actually looked forward to the movie at the time until I actually watched it at the theater. Even though I didn't like what they did with my favorite lizard, I'm not going to badmouth it as much as some other people do. They tried something different. It flopped. I moved on. Also featured is some pre-paid cell phone that I haven't re-added minutes to in several years and has been disconnected. Why I got this as a birthday gift is beyond me. I don't get any calls on the land-line; why in the hell would I want to remember another phone number? Sorry, but I'm not paying $20 every three months for minutes just so I can call Mrs. kkk at the store to let her know her garlic-flavored pita shells are out of stock and to find out what other flavor she wants instead. Bitch, you'll get the plain flavor and like it.
Oh, and the sheets of paper above JJ on the shelf? Those are the score sheets I used for kkk Bowl IV. He's also plopped on a Madden '93 instruction manual for the Sega Genesis.
5:45 p.m.
• So I was watching Around the Horn today and the "Out of Bounds" segment featured a "serious" discussion on Imus' comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team. It was "serious" because no points were distributed. You know it's serious when that happens. So I waited with baited breath for Pardon the Interruption because I was sure there would be a segment talking about the same thing. I was right. Wilbon didn't disappoint with his "he's a bigot" talk (and I actually don't blame him on this one), but Kornhiser was a riot by defending him and saying that he used to appear on that radio show and how Imus brings in political figures like John McCain. Good thing Imus didn't say the sports media overhyped the Rutgers team because they wanted to see a team made up mostly of black players succeed, huh Tony?
2 p.m.
• Oh man, this story made for a fun ride home from work yesterday.
Better Half: “Did you hear that story of the signs that said ‘honk once for Jesus…’”
Me: “…and twice for Satan. Yeah. What about it? Guess how many times I would have honked?”
BH: “Twice.”
Me: “Yes, because I love Jesus twice as much as you do.”
BH: *Starts bitching about something that I can’t remember.*
Me: “What’s wrong with saying that you love Satan? Jesus said to love everyone.”
BH: “But Satan’s evil.”
Me: “So? Jesus said everyone. I think I just found a loophole in this whole Christianity thing.”
BH: “I hate you.”
Me. “But yet you married me. See, Jesus was right when he said you should love everyone.”
I’m just glad she didn’t counter with something like “'love' isn’t the same as 'marriage'” because then I would have had to concede the round.
1:45 p.m.
• I didn't bother reading the article, I just laughed at the headline.
Of course the Poor will suffer most. They're poor. We needed a report to make us aware of this? You know, with the amount of money spent to create this report, that loot could have went to the Poor. So I guess that the Poor have suffered the most from reading this Climate Report. Then again, they didn't actually read it because the Poor can't afford computers and Internet service.
12:15 p.m.
• Ah, nuts. I heard this story a while after it happened, so I'm sure the Billy Fudge-Packer jokes have already been spent.
If you PC homos want to get offended at someone, get offended at the dictionary. This reminds me of the great niggardly escapade that happened a while ago.
Why don't you bitches picket outside of Big Dictionary offices and demand to have these mean words stricken from the English language? Wait a second, I didn't know about this part. Continuing the Wikipedia entry from above.
So in this game of "Who is Offended More?" we have Gays vs. Blacks: the unstoppable force vs. the immovable object, the Beast of the East vs. the Best of the West. So I guess it's safe to say that Howard didn't fag out over the niggardly fiasco. Well, he may have fagged out later that night, but that's neither here nor there. And after all he went through I at least hope he got to be that evening's starting pitcher, unless he thinks it's better to receive than give.
• I’ve told my Madeline story before at TSM, but this article brought back memories of my employment at the theater, which also happened to be a member of the National Amusements family.
One afternoon I was working the afternoon cashier shift. I think it was a holiday of some sort (Memorial Day if I had to guess), and this usually means the early afternoon shows would be overrun with children. However, I was working the cashier position, so my dealing with juveniles was kept to a minimum. I could tell though that there were a lot of kids, and many of them were to see this Madeline movie. If you don’t know who Madeline is, it’s a set of books about some girl who lives at a finishing school (the movie had her as an orphan) and gets into all these wacky adventures with the other children. I’ve never heard of this character, but I guess it was popular among certain sects of kids, so who am I to judge. Anyway, I noticed that there were quite a number of children dressed up as characters from the books...
...and I even saw some camera flashes going off. Everything seemed normal enough, but when I ventured out into the lobby for my 2 p.m. break I knew something was wrong because my co-workers had a “I can’t believe what just happened” look on all of their faces. I approached one and asked what happened. Turns out our manager had accidentally played the wrong reel of film in one of our theaters.
Let me elaborate a bit. Many times at my former place of employment we would show two movies in a theater during the course of a day. Generally, if we had a movie that was geared specifically toward kids (Air Bud, Mr. Magoo, etc.) they would be played for the 1 p.m., 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. shows, while the evening times would feature a more adult-oriented film. Well, the auditorium playing Madeline was one such example. Madeline was to be shown for the afternoon times with another movie for the 7 p.m., 9 p.m. and 11 p.m. times. Turns out our manager inserted a reel for the evening film rather than the Madeline reel. And just what did an auditorium full of children watch for the first 5-10 minutes?
Yep.
According to the one usher, a man came out of the Madeline theater and said “Is someone supposed to be peeing in Madeline?” (I haven’t seen the first part of Baseketball, so I’m not sure if this is indeed what happens in the opening of this movie. Nevertheless, that's what I was told.) And, if memory serves, that showing of Madeline was a near-to-complete sell-out. Nice.
6 p.m.
• The NHL playoffs are just hours away, so it’s time to make some pickkks. Let’s see, the only NHL players I recognize are those that played in the early 1990s. Oh this should be fun.
(1) Buffalo v. (8) NY Islanders – that one guy from Edmonton got traded over to New York for a playoff push and cried. Buffalo’s good. Buffalo in 5.
(2) New Jersey v. (7) Tampa Bay – Martin Brodeur is still doing his thing. It’s nice to have a good goalie this time of year. Devils in 5.
(3) Atlanta v. (6) NY Rangers – I have no clue who is on Atlanta’s team. The Rangers have Jagr. Rangers in 6.
(4) Ottawa v. (5) Shittsburgh – I’ve heard some sports people say this could be the best first-round series of the lot. Uh, yay. Ottawa never seems to win in the postseason. The Penguins haven’t been to the postseason for a few years. I dunno. Senators in 7.
(1) Detroit v. (8) Calgary – I’m sure Detroit’s pissed at losing in the first round last year. Detroit in 5.
(2) Anaheim v. (7) Minnesota – I have nothing. Ducks in 6.
(3) Vancouver v. (6) Dallas – Mike Modano is still playing? Sweet. Stars in 6.
(4) Nashville v. (5) San Jose – The Sharks got Joe Thornton last season from the Bruins. Wait a second, Nashville traded for Petr Forsberg this year. Nashville in 7.
Second Round:
Buffalo beats Ottawa in 6.
Jersey beats Rangers in 4.
Detroit beats Nashville in 7.
Anaheim beats Dallas in 5.
Third Round.
Jersey beats Buffalo in 7.
Detroit beats Anaheim in 6.
Stanley Cup.
Detroit beats Jersey in 6.
Can’t wait to see how off I am with these.
1 p.m.
• Don't you know that distributing hot cross buns is one of the worst things you can do to Muslim male?
Uh, um. Well, I guess it's not. One a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns.
11:30 a.m.
• Not allowing a Coretta Scott King portrait at the Georgia State Capitol. It's a lot like Hitler Imus.
10 a.m.
• Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
#10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
#9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
#8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
#7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
#6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
#5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
#4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
#3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
#2 - When they crash their cars, they bail and run.
#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.
7:30 p.m.
• So you mean to tell me you fuckin with a bald-headed, ol' fat, lumpy, droopy, crack baby look-a-like, cisco drinkin, loud, ignorant, fucked-up teeth, stank hoodrat, won't down, once-a-month bleedin, butthead swap-meet, AFDC, leaned-over tennis shoe, cigarette BUTT baggin bitch? Nigga what's wrong wit you?
6:45 p.m.
• LOL
Wait ... what?!?!
You got to be shitting me. Crystal Gail Mangum won't be facing chargers. Just who does Crystal Gail Mangum think she is? That's right, a psycho bitch that will hopefully, by year's end, be found dead in a ditch covered with blood and cum stains with enough different DNA samples that could fill Madison Square Garden.
6:30 p.m.
• OK, before anyone assumes otherwise, let me assure you – I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.
Before I begin, we need to take a time machine back to last July when I said the following. Let’s set the scene. I was at a cookout of the family of a friend of the better half. OK, here we go:
The other night we got an update on this loving couple. I’ll call the wife “Amy” and the husband “Dave.” Late last week, when Amy got her most recent bi-weekly paycheck, she went to deposit it at an ATM. When her deposit slip shot out, she noticed that the account was $600 overdrawn – and that was AFTER she made her deposit. Naturally, she was more than curious as to what was going on. She got a transaction sheet and noticed that there was a really, really big withdraw to the account that went to pay off a credit card this couple owns. She got a transaction record of this credit card and discovered the following.
1) A bill for a round-trip airline ticket to and from Australia.
2) A bill for two a two-week stay at a nearby hotel.
Figure it out.
Needless to say, Amy is getting a divorce attorney. Oh, and Amy just found out that Dave quit his job in November and they have been without health insurance for the last four months. Did I mention Amy is a diabetic? Now while I could understand to some degree Amy not knowing right away about her lesser half’s employment situation – she works a first-shift job while Dave’s job was second-shift, so he could just leave the house and shack up with chicks from Down Under until his make-believe shift was over – I can’t for the life of me wonder how she couldn’t notice something was odd when his PAYCHECKS weren’t BEING DEPOSITED in their BANK ACCOUNT. But whatever, it’s not my life.
Oh, yeah. When Amy confronted Dave on all of this, his only response so far has been to accuse Mrs. kkk’s friend of trying to break them up. How was the better half’s friend doing this? By going out socially with Amy and trying to hook her up with guys. How dare these two bitches go out in public.
But you want to know my favorite part of this story? Let me go back to last year’s entry.
Due to her recent life situation, Amy has moved in with the better half’s friend. And what is the father of Mrs. kkk’s friend doing? He’s increasing his daughter's rent by $200 per month. Have I mentioned lately how much in awe am I of this guy?
1 p.m.
• Guess the bird's biological clock was ticking.
12:30 p.m.
• So last night I was watching the NHL playoffs on Versus and I heard that the NHL reseeds its playoff tree every round, making my playoff predictions from a few days ago a moot point. What kind of hippie shit is this? I have no idea when the NHL started doing this. They could have done this from the get-go back when they went from divisional opponents for the first two rounds to conference seedings; I've said that I don't pay much attention to this kind of stuff. Since I'm on the subject, I don't like the automatic reseeding. Having just learned the NHL does this, it appers the NBA doesn't. Good. There's just something lame about reshuffling playoff brackets after each round. Let the chips fall where they may. If a conference's top seed has to play a fourth-seeded team while the second-seeded team gets to play a six-seeded team, then so be it.
Nevertheless, here are my reseeded playoff picks. My first-round picks and comments are unchanged from my first entry.
(1) Buffalo v. (8) NY Islanders – that one guy from Edmonton got traded over to New York for a playoff push and cried. Buffalo’s good. Buffalo in 5.
(2) New Jersey v. (7) Tampa Bay – Martin Brodeur is still doing his thing. It’s nice to have a good goalie this time of year. Devils in 5.
(3) Atlanta v. (6) NY Rangers – I have no clue who is on Atlanta’s team. The Rangers have Jagr. Rangers in 6.
(4) Ottawa v. (5) Shittsburgh – I’ve heard some sports people say this could be the best first-round series of the lot. Uh, yay. Ottawa never seems to win in the postseason. The Penguins haven’t been to the postseason for a few years. I dunno. Senators in 7.
(1) Detroit v. (8) Calgary – I’m sure Detroit’s pissed at losing in the first round last year. Detroit in 5.
(2) Anaheim v. (7) Minnesota – I have nothing. Ducks in 6.
(3) Vancouver v. (6) Dallas – Mike Modano is still playing? Sweet. Stars in 6.
(4) Nashville v. (5) San Jose – The Sharks got Joe Thornton last season from the Bruins. Wait a second, Nashville traded for Petr Forsberg this year. Nashville in 7.
Second Round:
(1) Buffalo beats (6) Rangers in 5.
(4) Ottawa beats (2) Jersey in 6.
(1) Detroit beats (6) Dallas in 5.
(4) Nashville beats (2) Anaheim in 7.
Third Round.
(1) Buffalo beats (4) Ottawa in 5.
(4) Nashville beats (1) Detroit in 7.
Stanley Cup.
(1) Buffalo beats (4) Nashville in 6.
Wow, my playoff tree has changed quite a bit. Do I think this will happen? Probably not. But if it does, I can come back to this and go, "OMG do you see how lame reseeding is?"
9:15 a.m.
• This joke is too easy, even for me.
• The better half went to her niece’s talent show last night. Why didn’t I go? Figure it out. Actually, I did ponder tagging along, but then I heard tickets had to be reserved in advance. On top of that, there was a fight at the in-laws’ house before the show when the brother-in-law told the mother-in-law she needs to throw out the meth-addict niece-in-law. And people wonder why I stay home.
Anyway, from what I heard of this “talent show,” I was first encouraged by the state of my local government school. Apparently, there was these two girls who went up and sang a song about JESUS CHRIST~! Good for the school for allowing this to happen. I’m just curious to know if any faggot parents are going to complain about this egregious violation of church/state separation, because you know that if one student out of 100+ sings about Jesus, that means the school will be forcing the children to read hymns the next day. While I give a thumbs up for letting two kids sing about religion, I then heard what else happened at this government school.
No talent act was to be more than two minutes. TWO MINUTES? And just what would have happened if some kid went over their allotted time – a big cane moves across the stage and yanks him or her off by the neck? They also gave trophies for all the participants at the end of the show. Now I’m not going to go “OMG everybody’s a winner/no competition will make our kids spoiled” over this, because the eternal optimist in me is hoping these were just fancy certificates of participation or something. However, trophies?
My old man likes to tell a story of my one little-league team (well, actually it was the league before little-league, where the coaches pitched to the kids, but whatever) where in the end-of-season tournament we played like a well-oiled machine against this other team and crushed them. We were destined for great things, like winning the division title, or whatever the hell it was. Then our team had to sit and watch as the opponents we just whipped got to receive their near-last-place trophies. According to my old man, everyone on my team went, “What? They got trophies?” and we tanked the next game, getting our “You don’t suck as bad as the first-round losers” trophies to display in our rooms. From there, my baseball career went rapidly downhill, and my old man would never have dreams of being parent to a major-league ballplayer. Gone were his dreams of sitting at Three Rivers Stadium/PNC Park yelling from the bleachers at me because I was putting too much weight on my left foot when I swung at off-speed pitches.
8 p.m.
• For those that care, the mail issue has been resolved. When I called the post office on Friday, I actually spoke to the chick that delivered mail on my street. Basically, she said that she couldn’t find my mailbox and though that rusted out piece of shit was indeed my mailbox. When I mentioned my neighbor who needs to get his mail at his doorstep, she said, “Oh I knew about that,” to which my response was, “then why was his mail with mine in the wrong mailbox. Silence. Oh, and that rusted mailbox is now hanging by a thread from its post.
• Here’s an update on the sterile Mexican family. Despite having the income of a part-time janitor, and the expenses of two test-tube kids, this household purchased a house, a new car and luxury items like a projection television. Did I mention they claimed bankruptcy a few years back due to maxed out credit cards? Well last night we discovered that – surprise – they are at least three months back on their mortgage payments with a house they bought less than 15 months ago. Whenever I hear welfare-reform opponents whine about how cruel we are to our nation’s poor, I get the urge to laugh until I cry.
• I hope there aren’t any great expectations for this place. LOL2007~!
If you dont' get the joke, go read a book. Then again, I don't read any of this hippie shit either.
1 p.m.
• So as I was driving to work this morning I heard on the radio some story about this local college athlete getting arrested due to a domestic dispute. I can’t tell you who the athlete was or what sport he played. All I can tell you is that the fight started over a set of car keys. Oh, and the chick saying that the “violence started after she hit him in the chest.” Uh, no, bitch – the violence started WHEN you hit that guy in the chest. I don’t advocate violence on females (unless, of course, they are really deserving of it, like when they don't have your dinner ready when you home from work), but when you bitches strike us first it should be on like Donkey Kong.
Ah, here's the story.
If all this is true, I wouldn't punish Benjamin outside of the normal criminal conduct code for two people fighting in public. A college basketball player for a Division 1A program and all she got was a bleeding knee along with a few scratches and bruises. I think she got off rather lucky. The only thing I'd fault Benjamin for is poor choice in women, but then again the article says "former girlfriend."
7:45 p.m.
• Have I mentioned how much I hate yardwork? I spent the better part of the afternoon pulling weeds and shit from the side of my yard, and uprooted two bush/tree thingys which sucked. Oh well, at least manual labor makes me feel like a man, until I get some dirt in my shoe and I cry.
• So this was on Drudge today: “Tina Brown set to unleash 'most controversial book on Princess Diana ever'…” Wha-?
WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Christ, how long has she been dead?
• Jackie Robinson would be so proud of this being published exactly one week after JACKIE ROBINSON DAY.
Actually, I’m wondering if this is the same school that got national headlines a few years back for this segregated prom? During that time Bill O’Reilly was going batshit about it and brought on Neal Boortz, who took an opposing view, on to his show. If memory serves, Boortz’s viewpoint was something to the effect of “it’s a private matter; what can the government school do.” Ah, here we go. Looks like the Bill/Neal conversation dealt with a different school. Wow, was this a funny moment of television.
In case you’re wondering what the “hubcap incident” was, here you go.
Personally, I thought the "hubcap" remark was much ado about nothing. After all, it's the Mexicans who steal those things. Blacks will just steal a car's stereo.
3:30 p.m.
• I had a weird dream last night. I don’t remember much of it, but I ended up sitting at a table at my college making change for people. These two college guys walked up and one gave me a $50 bill and said he wanted a bunch of $1s. I started counting from my stash, and when I was around the $30ish dollar mark the guy who didn’t give me the $50 suddenly took the $50 bill and walked away. I was just about to give the other guy his change and then a voice sounding like mine said to me in the dream, “Hey dipshit, they’re ripping you off!” The voice said, “Wake up, idiot!” I did. I’ve done this before whenever I didn’t like how a dream was going for me; I just say in the dream, “OK, I’ve had enough. Wake up.” Good thing I haven’t yet done this get-out-of-dream-now stunt while making (depending on my mood) either Eliza Dusku, Rose McGowan or Jennifer Love Hewitt’s eyes roll to the back of their head.
• Even though I have no idea who any of these college football players are, I’ve been watching this year’s NFL draft since noon. LOL at Brady Quinn. Then again, if he gets drafted to a good team, I’d say that’s worth the few million extra he would have made had he gone in the top five spots. Here’s another thing. Shut the hell up Steve Young. OMG, the Packers aren’t getting Bret Favre any help. The guy’s in his 17th year – I hope for Green Bay’s sake they aren’t making picks with the mindset of, “Gee, I hope Brett approves of this.” Instead the Packers took some defensive tackle from Tennessee. Is this guy any good? I have no idea. But it’s funny as hell watching Chris Mortensen beat down Young when talking about who should the Packers draft in the first round.
9:45 p.m.
• I just turned off the Nets/Raptors game. New Jersey is up by THIRTY POINTS?! I'm sure there's a "that's only 12 points after the Canadian exchange rate" joke to be made, but damn. I guess Toronto didn't want to play past April.
4:29 p.m.
• So I just spent the afternoon playing f’n Bingo with the better half at her church. The mother in-law was going to attend but couldn’t due to visitation with her granddaughter, so guess who was the lucky duck that got to take her place? Yep. Out of approximately 100 people in attendance looking for B-15s and O-72s, there were only three males in attendance, and I was one of them. In addition, I’m quite certain there was only one person there younger than me and Mrs. kkk. Boy do old people love their Bingo. Not only Bingo, but all the little gambling games that take place at one of these events: raffles, scratch-off games, SUPER SPECIAL BINGO CARDS for when games like “Crazy T” and “Fill the Card” are needed when the usual Bingo games aren’t enough to satisfy your fix. When I came into this place there was a poster showing all the ways to win at the regular Bingo games. You had the five across, down and diagonal. OK. Then there was “postage stamp,” where you had to get the top four numbers on upper right-hand side of your card. Big star, little star, four outer corner, four inner corners. Christ, how am I supposed to remember all this shit? And one of the house rules was that you had to call Bingo before the next number was called or else it’s null and void. Then you had the old ladies sitting around you going, “What did he say?” after every other number was called. No wonder telemarketers go after these easy targets.
After leaving winless we headed over to the local gas station to get mulch. I mention this because last year the better half was doing some landscaping around the house, and she told me to go and get a dozen or so bags of mulch. I asked what kind she wanted. Her response: “Get whatever.” So I did. I got this black mulch. I guess “whatever” means “anything other than black.” When I brought these bags home the following conversation took place.
Her: “What’s this?”
Me: “Mulch.”
Her: “It’s black.”
Me: “And?”
Her: “Well I didn’t want black.”
Me: “You said ‘get whatever.’”
Her: “But we don’t use black mulch.”
Me: “We do now.”
A funny thing happened when we used this black mulch. It actually turned out pretty darn good. So good in fact, that the mother in-law used the same color that year for her flowerbed. When we went out to get mulch today, the better half complained because the mulch available at the gas station was either in red or brown color. Because of this she dropped me off at home and headed to Home Depot to buy mulch that’s 83 cents more expensive per bag than the Quickie Mart mulch. But guess what color mulch Mrs. kkk is paying more money to get? Yep.
9 p.m.
• So I finally saw that Jeff Gordon video where his car gets pelted with beer after winning some race that put him past the late Dale Earnhardt in the wins total, or something like that.
Holy crap was that funny. I’ve said before I’m not a NASCAR fan, so I don’t know shit about caution flags, points or changing tires in 4 seconds. Back in the late 1990s when I worked third shift at a yearbook publishing center in Sappy Valley, a few people around me would always talk NASCAR. Of course I had no idea what they were fighting about, but one thing I took from their heated debates was that you were either a Gordon fan or an Earnhardt fan. If that’s the case, I probably would be in the Earnhardt camp. But like I said above, that video was hilarious. Good job, Alabama. For some reason the first thought to pop into my head after seeing this was that faux commercial South Park did a while back titled “Alabama Man.”
• In keeping up with the San Fran theme from the 1:30 p.m. entry, here's another story that was conceived in this city.
Nonpartisan my ass. None of those six e-cards went with my submission, which was "Think of all the money you just saved on clothes, food and college tuition." When someone has a living being sucked out of them, you need them to focus on the positive.
Oh I sense future government intervention on this one forcing Big Greeting Card to sell something for this kind of occasion. What do you want Hallmark to do -- have these cards on the rack next to the "newborn," or "baby's first birthday" offerings?
1:30 p.m.
• So San Fran's tops for pets. I'm sure there's a gerbil/hamster joke to be made here, but I'm above such juvenile tomfoolery.
Seattle and Portland I understand, but DC?! I guess they only shoot humans, not pets. Actually, the amount of respect I have for Washington has just increased.
10 p.m.
• You know, sometimes when you work for idiots you really want to get the hell out of there. However, there’s something that keeps me from really looking for another job. That reason? Because this place is awesome – in a trainwreck sort of way. Our Marketing Director, which is a fancy way to say “head insurance salesman,” gets boned at every turn at this place and today may have been the final straw. Long story short. Late last month he attended this public event to meet and greet/press the flesh/do that sales stuff which keeps the wheels of commerce spinning. And yesterday he turned in his expense report. Today he got called up and got scolded for a $600 tab. He was gone for three days in Michigan. All he put down was the daily per diem and mileage. He didn’t add anything for food, tolls or other expenses, like, say the RENTAL CAR he got because his two vehicles were in the shop. Here’s how it broke down:
Hotel: More than $100 per night for three nights.
Mileage. Just under $300 round-trip from Shittsburgh to Michigan.
Oh, and this is the first time after more than two years on the job that he turned in a per diem expense. (He didn't even know he was allowed to turn in a per diem for events like this until earlier this year when he told the one idiot that he couldn't afford to keep going to these out-of-state events. That's when the idiot said, "You can put your hotel costs on an expense report." This is the same idiot that gave my co-worker his orientation at this place; I would have thought per diems would have been mentioned when my poor co-worker is "encouraged" to travel as often as possible.) Did I mention he has a "Marketing Budget" of $5,000 that he hasn't been allowed to spend at all this year? After this confrontation, my partner in crime began the day’s job search and had an interview at 3:15 p.m. with a place that knows in 2006 my co-worker did more businesses than the top four producers at the next busiest organization in our field. If he leaves within the next few days I’m going to have a grand ol’ time at work, especially since that will mean my idiot bosses will be too pre-occupied trying to play damage control when my co-worker sends out correspondence describing exactly why he left, which means I’ll be left alone even more than usual. Good times, I say.
• Even though the Smues household may be paying more than he would like for car insurance on a 2000 Ford Ranger that has been driven 115,000+ miles, it could have been worse. The future Mrs. Smues could have had a guy with a penis pendant sell her the car.
• Oh good lord.
6 p.m.
• Well, this headline sums it all up quite nicely.
Don't blame me. I won't be voting for your wife.
12:30 p.m.
• So the better half was cleaning the kids drinking fountain when a piece that she removed wouldn't fit back properly. She got mad and went to get a hammer to put the piece back in place. She's now at the pet store getting another water fountain. I'm shocked.
• In my redneck of the woods, there’s a ballot initiative in a few weeks about whether to support the local public library or to take a TAX CUT FOR THE RICH SO WE CAN ALL GET NEW RIMS FOR OUR PORCHES.
Yeah, I’ll be sure to vote “No” in this election (A “No” vote means the tax stays in place)… NOT!
Way to effectively manage this public institution, shitheads. If you wouldn’t have moved the library out of the town it was supposed to serve, you wouldn’t be shitting bricks about us yokels with our pitchforks and torches wanting to kick your collective asses to the curb. I got this multi-color brochure in the mail yesterday begging me to support the library, and in it was some testimonials which were funny as hell.
“The Library is the best thing that happened to North Huntingdon since I moved here 30 years ago.” Vicki Rose.
What the fuck? After 30 years of development, the best thing to come to this place is a LIBRARY?! Screw that grocery store, screw the new businesses that sprang up. Screw the new houses and roads. It’s the LIBRARY that keeps my town together. Here’s another one.
“I’m 80 years old. I don’t own a computer. Last year I attended classes at the Nborwin Public Library and learned to use a computer and the Internet. WOW!” Meccy Grapes.
So not only are my taxes going to fund your Social Security, prescription drugs and free mass transit passes, but also I’m now paying for you to download porn? Kiss my ass, granny.
“The library offers the gift of access to all of us. This is its true value.” Dana Krydick, Library Consultant.
Well no shit you would say this. And this “gift of access” is for those too cheap to spring for their own computer and Internet access. I would say “poor” along with “cheap,” but since you people moved from a more residential location to a more business-concentrated area, if someone can afford to drive a car to play around with the Internet then they can afford a computer/internet connection of their own. And if they can’t afford this minor expense, they can use that time they’re spending on-line to get a job.
Yeah, I know I’m a terrible human being, but it’s fun being an asshole to the poor, children, elderly and minorities. Sadly, we haven’t been invaded with ghetto folk from Shittsburgh (that’s probably about 20-30 years down the line), but I can disenfranchise three out of four oppressed groups, and that ain’t bad. Besides, if an AARP activist is for repealing this tax, and the AARP is going to turn out for this vote in lockstep, then it really doesn’t matter how I vote.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 26: BX
I don’t know why BX would be shocked that I would actually vote for him in a TSM Poster Contest. Just because I disagree with 99.999999999 percent of what someone thinks regarding politics (and I’m still waiting for that 0.000000001 percent of something we agree on) doesn't mean I have to hate him for it. And besides, there are other things to talk about besides whether or not George W. Bush is the devil. Take the Return of the King for example (at the time the spoiler tags weren’t there). And finally, I, along with anyone who remembers when the Current Events folder was worth reading, hope that BX savors this ranking, because I don’t think he’ll be getting on this kind of list with a certain poster from South Carolina any time in the near future.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Cancer Marney:
From SFA Jack:
9:15 p.m.
• I just learned an important lesson (well, I didn't learn it since it was something I already knew, but you know what I'm talking about -- I hope). Never walk in front of the better half’s viewing area when the “Ghost Whisperer” is on. Jesus Christ. Bitch walks in front of me while I’m playing MVP Baseball and facing a 3-2 count with the bases loaded all the time. So just to be an asshole when I went to the ‘fridge and got something to drink and did a military crawl under the TV picture so I wouldn’t obstruct her line of sight to Jennifer Love Hewitt’s tits acting performance. Speaking of MVP, I had some guy in AAA who was a bench player but had decent power, so I put him in as my full-time DH. He was my most productive player at that level power-wise and cranked a three-run round-tripper last night only to rupture his ACL during a routine run to home plate as my other player grounded into an inning’s third out. Mother fucker.
Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down~!
Lord Jamar will live long, ‘cuz I give strong blows to the heads of my foes.
You know, with the homophobic lyrics Brand Nubian has spit over the years. that’s a pretty gay line up there.
Oh, shit. This is the season finale of the “Ghost Whisperer.” I guess Mrs. kkk will want to spend quality time shit now that show and the other one which comes on after that will be done for the summer.
8:45 p.m.
• Smues recent entry about housing costs gave me a flashback, so let’s go into the time machine.
It was in the early 2000s and the better half and I moved to the lovely community of Middletown, Ohio. I’ve said on occasion what I think of this little slice of Americana; when I got off of I-75 and took the Middletown exit I was rather pleased with what I saw. Some minor development – a mall here, a grocery store there. A small town feel. My type of place.
Then I began to drive inbound toward “downtown” Middletown. And I got scared. Real scared. More than one time I thought to myself, “We’re actually going to live here?” The up-and-coming property and housing developments quickly faded to this red-neck villa that I just escaped from Sappy Valley. However, the housing complex we had a lease with was a pretty nice place; it was clearly an oasis in a sea of white trash. And to top it off, our townhouse was spacious and had central air. And the rent was only $700/month. I was as happy as a pig in shit.’
Why am I talking about this? Because some time after we got situated, my old man and his wife stopped by. When I lived in southwestern Ohio, he would often stop by for a night before heading out to Nebraska to visit my half-brother before going to Colorado to visit my step-mom’s one adult offspring. Well, having just left Sappy Valley where an apartment off-campus ran you more than the cost for this townhouse, I was liking my living situation. Problem is my old man is one of those people who no matter what the deal is, the price is still too much. As I was showing him around he of course asked how much was I paying. Like an idiot, I said the price, which of course sparked OUTRAGE~! Then my step-mom countered with something that actually shut the old man up, commenting on the trailer they were living in at the time..
“Bill, we pay $350/month for a hole in the ground.”
Silence.
Game. Set. Match.
I should mention that later that day he said to save money I should use sawdust and newspaper as cat litter instead of that fancy stuff I was using. He then commented on why two litter boxes that were used by three cats would stink after six days of usage. Sigh.
8:30 p.m.
• I knew this was coming, but I can't help it.
11:30 p.m.
• Huh? I entered this in on Saturday and it's reading this as having been posted on a Sunday. Oh well, must be a time-zone/setting thing.
• No offense, but I’d rather have my cops adopt the “warrior culture” than the "Frenchie culture." And by "Frenchie culture," I'm talking about officers running away – not smelling bad.
• I get that this Bode Miller guy isn’t liked by some, but is he really that big a public figure that his name needs dropped when a relative of his kills an officer of the law? Oh, and thank God that piece of shit cousin of his is dead.
• Oh great, now with reporters getting their beats outsourced, I can expect some hysteria in the near future about the horrible economy.
Back in the ‘90s when we had the GREATEST ECONOMY OF ALL TIME BILL CLINTON, I always felt this “boom” was a bit overblown, mostly in part because the media was close to this tech bubble thing. I’m not saying this was a LIBERAL BIAS~! thing; just a “Bob from sports has just quit his job to be a writer for this local Internet start-up. Boy, this economy must be great" thing. Then when the tech bubble burst, and these writing/PR/marketing jobs were the first to be axed, I felt the great recession of the early ‘00s was a bit exaggerated as well. My proof for all of this? Nothing. Just remembering what I read during this time.
• For those that actually care about the groundhog living under my backyard shed, he popped out today to munch on some grass.
He seems to get fatter each year; one day I think he won’t be able to fit back into his crib. Hey, he’s not bothering anyone so I let him live his life. Besides, it’s fun to knock on the back door and watch him bolt back under the shed.
And speaking of lazy animals, here’s JJ today earning his keep.
8:15 p.m.
• Every Mother’s Day the in-laws take the family out to lunch/dinner at some restaurant. Every year, the mother-in-law gets pissed off with the service and/or food and we will “never” go there again, so each year it’s something different. This year it was some crappy local Italian restaurant, and it doesn’t take much for me to be happy at an eatery but today wasn’t one of those times. Good God was this food shit. Oh well, it wasn’t my money. Oh, and the crack whore sister-in-law and her out-of-control daughter were here, and the niece almost fell asleep at the table. I just thank Christ I was on the other side of the four tables that were arranged to accommodate us.
• Last night Lesson in Machismo and I were talking about some old-school rap. Well, I shouldn’t say old-school, because one person’s “old-school” is another’s “hey I grew up listening to that shit? You want ‘old school,’ listen to *insert name of group that was prominent 10 years prior.*” I remember one night back in the late 1990s while watching Rap City’s “Old School Wednesday,” they played Del the Funky Homosapien’s “Catch a Bad One.” Uh, that song was released back in ’93 and it’s classified “Old School”? This was 1997 (or ’98) – four years is “old”? Oy. Anyway, it was a pleasant trip down memory lane, especially when this was brought up. Oh hell yeah.
And while I’m on this topic. WTF?
Some folks have WAY too much time on their hands, and that’s coming from me of all people. You want my kkkommentary on this song? Here it is:
1) I love how the Cube’s vehicle is chasing the bootleggers through the fog, but the atmosphere is clear and the sky is blue when there’s a close up of O’Shea Jackson (OMG REAL NAME/BREAKING KEYFABE~!) driving.
2) My favorite image in this whole video (besides the tunnel beatdown at the 2:00 mark) is at the 2:28 mark when some huge guy to the far right in Cube’s gang is running after the bootleggers and turns his head to the side. It might be hard to see on a computer scree, but when seen on TV it's more obvious.
3) Right after Mr. Beefy’s head turn is one of the funniest pseudo-beat downs I’ve ever seen. Honorable mentions goes to some guy in the right side of the screen at the 2:27 mark and some guy hitting another over the head with a record cover at the 2:35 mark. But my favorite is the same guy from the 2:27 mark looking at the camera while “pummeling” his victim at the 2:32 mark.
What a great song. What a great video.
But I don’t party and shake my BUTT
I leave that to the brothers with the funny haircuts
And it’ll drive you nuts
Steal your beat, and give it that gangsta touch.
8 p.m.
• So in the mornings on the way to work, the better half no longer lets me listen to the local RIGHT-WING RADIO guy. It’s not that she hates the host, it’s because she HATES the female co-host. What do we listen to instead? ESPN’s Mike and Mike in the Morning. Why? Because their voices “relax her.” Whatever. Now generally I can tolerate these two, but today they were getting on my last nerve. I guess this weekend is inter-league play for Major League Baseball. In fact, it’s RIVALRY WEEKEND. Whatever. These two dolts on the radio were rating each of these MLB RIVALRIES. Uh, guys, just because two teams play in the same city/state and in different leagues does not a rivalry make. The Indians and Reds are NOT a rivalry. The Cubs and Cardinals are. The Devil Rays and Marlins are NOT a rivalry. The Yankees and Red Sox are. I can’t stand it when the media try to manufacture hype with this inter-league shit.
The other thing that got on my nerves this morning was the talk about Kyle Farnsworth talking about Roger Clemens’ “family friendly” work schedule.
This of course got the Mikes’ panties in a wad. How DARE someone actually give their opinion. If Farnsworth would have said, “It doesn’t matter because we’re all a team, not I’m going to go out there and give my 110 percent,” these sportscasters would be bitching about how everybody’s afraid to speak their mind. It’s not like Farnsworth said he’s going to beat up the Rocket for getting a deal that any starting pitcher would take in a heartbeat. I understand the whole “don’t talk bad about your teammates” rule, but it’s not like Farnsworth is on the Giants and told a radio host that Bonds is a roided-up freak. Talk about making something out of nothing.
• Honestly, who really gives a shit?
And if only we used more stem cells, I bet Honest Abe could have leaped tall buildings in a single bound.
• Well no kidding.
Of course there’s the ol’ double standard. Is this really a surprise? However, the next sentence got a laugh out of me.
So white supremacists are “mainstream conservatives”? OMG AP LIBERAL BIAS~! Yeah, I know the comma separates the rednecks from the Neocons, but so what. Oh, and peep the crime and read the bullshit in the last paragraph of this article.
How exactly can you tell if this was a HATE CRIME or not? Would these two victims have to have "cracker" carved into them or something?
10 p.m.
• Yet another reason why the better half and I better not produce any children (besides the hundreds of other reasons that go something like, “I’m too lazy to be a parent,” “I’d rather spend money on myelf” and “I hate children.”
Yesterday morning the alarm went off and I proceeded to trudge off to the bathroom for my daily shower. We feed the kids early in the morning and before we go to bed at night, so they’ve picked up when feeding time is and when I get up at 6:15 a.m. they start milling around; either that or they directly hop onto Mrs. kkk and start meowing in her face. Well, this morning Max was following me into the bathroom and started hanging out around the toilet. Weired. Before we got a drinking fountain for the three of them, Max would stand around the toilet when he wanted “fresh” running water. I thought nothing of this. As I take my morning shower, the better half feeds Max, Dessa and JJ. Well this morning I guess Max wasn’t eating, which prompted her to be in near-hysterics and telling me he wasn’t eating his dry food. Uh, OK. Now we’ve had some problems with his pee-hole being clogged, but he only lost his appetite when this condition got severe, and he displayed no evidence of having strained litterbox activity. When I got out of the shower I looked into their feeding room and saw that Max was going to town on the water fountain. I asked Mrs. kkk if she gave them fresh water. She said yes. After a while when Max was finished I gave him some of his food, which he ate. I pointed this out to the better half, but she still said she was still “worried.” OK. Well, the special food we buy the three of them contains no filler, so the vet told us that it’s common for them to not eat everything we give them. Going about my Friday morning routine, which included taking any full garbage bags downstairs through the basement and garage and out to the curb. That’s when I figured out why Max probably wasn’t hungry.
There was cat vomit all over the basement floor. But it wasn’t food-related. It was from a nasty hairball (or three) that he must have thrown up last night. Makes sense, considering one of his toys that he usually plays with was nearby. I pointed this out to the better half and let her know that my guess as to last night’s events were as follows:
1) With the warm weather, Max is shedding like a fiend.
2) Max threw up some hairballs and instead of eating he wanted to drink fresh water to get the taste/any irritation out of his system.
Even though he ate after I fed him, he didn’t eat his entire quarter-cup of food, which still prompted the better half to spend the whole day fretting. Of course, at 7:30 p.m. that evening Max began following Mrs. kkk around the house, trying to guide her to their feeding room for an early supper. Oh, and he cleaned his bowl once they all got feed. I asked her afterward, “You still worried, psycho?” Christ, if kkk Jr. ever springs from her loins, that kid will be lucky to be out of his protective bubble for longer than two minutes.
6:15 p.m.
• Since Smues is talking about perv teachers from back in the day, I felt inspired to tell my story regarding this subject.
I almost failed eighth grade because…
I was an only child.
I had divorced parents.
They were passing a black kid instead of me – damn affirmative action.
Rap music told me school was for bustas.
My government school didn't provide me with an adequate learning environment.
...I was a lazy piece of shit that played video games all day instead of studying (you can't just beat "Ghouls 'n Ghosts" on the first try).
One of the classes I failed was science. I’ve always hated this subject, but this year was especially bad because I hated my teacher. The guy’s name was Mr. Kuniak, and he was one of those “cool” teachers. Or at least he was “cool” with the jocks and cheerleaders and all those other tools that did things like homework and reading from textbooks. Conformists. Anyway, every quarter we got these progress reports called “green sheets.” Generally, the dreaded progress report was sent out in subjects you were failing midway through a grading period, but Mr. Kuniak gave everyone a green sheet that had to be signed by a parent. Of course, while everyone was taking home sheets of paper reading “Johhny is getting 105 percent in my class,” I was failing, and failing bad. These sheets also had to be turned back in within a few days. Of course, I just kept mine and didn’t bother to get it signed or turned in. After a few weeks, and constant badgering from Mr. Kuniak, I finally signed my mom’s name and gave it to him. There was one little problem. I forgot to erase the “Get a woman faggot” sentence I wrote on the green sheet when I first got this document highlighting my academic deficiencies. Oops. As I gave this sheet to him I saw my handiwork and tried to take it away from him. I failed. If I was ever to experience a bowel movement in class, this would have been it. Mr. Kuniak looked at the sheet and the following conversation took place.
“kkk, is this your handwriting?”
“Yes.”
“Erase it. It’s unacceptable.”
That was it.
My friend who was sitting next to me at our lab table took one look at what I wrote and was reduced to years in mere seconds from laughing so hard. You know a teacher doesn’t give a shit about you when they don’t even care you mocked their alleged sexual preference. To add to this story, a few years later, while trying out for the junior varsity team, I found out on the first day of try-outs that Mr. Kuniak was the JV coach. Surprisingly enough, we were quite civil to each other. Maybe he just figured he had to deal with me for a few days before cutting me – my basketball skills weren’t much better than my ability to remember what was on the periodic table. I saw him a few times after that and there didn’t appear to be any leftover hatred. What has this got to do with Smues’ entry? Years after graduating high school, I heard Mr. Kuniak got fired for sexual harassment or something like that from a female student. Do I think he did anything? Dunno. I’m guessing his easy-going nature was probably used against him by some chick who was upset at not getting an A+++. Then again, he might have been banging the color guard all this time without me knowing. One thing’s for certain, though.
I don’t believe he was gay.
12:30 p.m.
• If Jimmy Carter rambles on about the WORST ADMINISTRATION IN OUR HISTORY, and everybody except for Medium-Large Media, pays attention, did he really say it at all?
Bill Clinton talking smack about W. I can understand – at least he had THEGREATESTECONOMYINTHEHISTORYOFTHEWORLD to fall back on. Jimmy, oh Jimmy.
