KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 52: The Max
This guy had a fling with another poster at this place, and from what I remember she was going to move to his region of the country and live happily ever after. Well, I don’t know what happened to happily ever after, but I’m sure that relationship wasn’t as messy as the aftermath of Hurricane Chuck. Also, he’s more than accommodating when you’re asking questions about NHL ’06.
• I heard on the radio the other day that with the NHL regular season starting up, the Penguins will have three teenagers on the ice for the first time in franchise history. In other news, former congressman Mark Foley is seeing if he's got any shot at a political office in Allegheny County. While I’m on this subject, now Foley says a clergyman molested him as a teen. Uh-huh. Oh, by the way...
OMG FAUX NEWS LOL2006!
• It’s not just congressmen who are using the “I was molested as a kid” excuse. Now this guy who killed those Amish kids said he was molested 20 years ago and that he was feeling the urge to fondle children again. I guess that’s why you brought sex toys with you into the school. Asshole. Why pick on the Amish? They are probably the most harmless people on the face of this earth. You can make fun of them, and how are they going to know? It’s not like they’re going to find out by television, radio or the Internet, and even if word should get out to them they’ll just forgive you anyway. If you want to kill Catholics because Father John touched your privates 30 years ago, or if you want to pick off some Jews because, well, they’re Jews, I’m sure there's a more-than-capable defense lawyer out there who would be able to spin your rough childhood to at least 2-3 members of a jury educated through a government school, but this is the freakin’ Amish. They ride around in horse-drawn buggies. How can you hate that? (Unless of course you are late for work and they are in front of you on a one-lane road.)
• So the U.S. is saying there is “no future” for a nuclear North Korea. Like there’s any kind of future for a non-nuclear North Korea.
• I didn't watch the Tigers/Yankees Game 2, but this is all I needed to know. Ugh.
• Man, if we ever did this in the United States, the National Debt could get wiped out in less than a year.
10:15 p.m.
• Oh for fuck's sake. I hate these people.
OK, I'll side with them on this one issue. Having the "silence" at the start of third period is stupid. My school had it during homeroom before classes started right after the Pledge of Allegiance.
Ha. "Changed jsut a single word," that's a pretty big change.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only thing I hate more than a Bible-thumper are these fags who get their panties in a knot over stupid shit like this. "Awkward position"? Here's how it was done at my school:
Homeroom bell rings.
Stand and do the Pledge. Something I once created a stink about. Yeah, I'm a terrorist.
The announcer guy says "Please remain standing for a short moment of silence."
*several seconds pass*
"Please be seated."
OMG THE RELIGIOUS REICH IS TAKING OVER~!
N*gga plz. During this brief moment of silence I was either nodding off because it was too early in the morning to think or I was looking at some nearby chick’s rack or backside. I’m sure there were other students that actually used this time to pray or say “what up” to their Deity of choice. Big fucking deal. Get over yourselves.
8:45 p.m.
• So today was the better half big “pizza open house” or whatever brown-nosing stunt her boss was trying to accomplish at work today. Now Mrs. kkk told me that a whole bunch of academic assholes showed up and began talking about how the U.S. tortures innocent people, starves children and all that other left-wing shit those with no experience in the real world chat about. On a side note, the better half’s co-worker asked her why I wasn’t at this event on my day off from work. Mrs. kkk’s response: If he was here he wouldn’t be asked back. Awesome. Oddly enough, if I’m at an event that’s not an informal get-together between people I know, I generally keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to ruin a host’s brouhaha. However, there are times when I will open my mouth, and this might have been one of those times. Actually, I want to meet the wife’s boss and hope she spews some of this commie shit with me because I’ll throw right back at her. What I love about pissing someone off regarding this sort of thing is that I really don’t care what their opinion is. Seriously. So what if someone you’re talking to doesn’t like the person you voted for in the last election. If you get legitimately mad over a person’s thoughts it that means you on some level take to heart what they think. That’s pathetic.
One pseudo-example of this experiences over the years has been when the topic of abortion is brought up. I mean, just because you say “murder the unborn” people get all bent out of shape. Uh, am I advocating the halting of sucking potential Social Security contributors from wombs and dumping them in the trash? No. I am simply calling a spade a spade. But yet I’ve had people go WOMEN’S REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS GWARRRR~! Yay. Here’s the point: I don’t CARE what you think. You want to advocate the killing of innocent babies – knock yourself out. What you think doesn’t matter to me. I’m more concerned about effectively wiping my browneye after taking a shit than your opinion on abortion or any other subject.
Where was I going with this? Oh, that mixer. So Mrs. kkk then made my week by telling my that her Ph.D. boss fucked up making a SALAD for this “open house.” She asked me to guess how she was able to achieve this remarkable feat. My first guess was not getting enough salad. Wrong. Mrs. kkk then said that she made it last night, and that’s when I responded “Good God she didn’t put the salad dressing on then, did she?” Yep.
How the fuck does this person make six figures? I think a great reality show would be to get a bunch of academics and for them to survive in the real world. “I’ve worked for the private sector – they expect results.”
Oh, I forgot to mention some other topics that were discussed at this workplace gathering by these Ph.D.’s was how religion was the cause of addiction and that we should live in a society where there’s no mores or rules. This was around the time Mrs. kkk left the room and went back into her office. This also would have been the time I probably would have opened my mouth, which would have resulted in mass exodus 5-10 minutes later.
Every few weeks the kkk househould changes the four litter boxes scattered around the house. Last night it was my turn to do the cleaning. As I was doing this fun chore I had on ESPN’s draft special #374128957498 on, and they were talking with Bill Polian, the general manager of the Indianapolis Colts. I had this on as background noise so I may not be completely accurate in what I thought I heard. The ESPN guy was asking Polian about the recent asquisition of Adam Vinatieri, and Polian was saying how Adam was among the great kickers in NFL history and then he named a few players. One name that made me do a double-take was Scott Norwood. Um, OK. I’m sure Norwood may have had a good career and all (he's the Bills all-time leading scorer, last I checked), but I wouldn’t want to have my field goal kicker associated with this guy, especially since you’re expecting him to make some game-winning field goals in the playoffs. I’m sure Bill Buckner had a good career, but I wouldn’t want to compare my team's first baseman to him, especially if they're postseason-bound.
While I’m on this subject, there’s something else I need to grumble about. I get how it can be fun to watch the NFL draft and try to figure out who your favorite team is going to draft and stuff, but sometimes this goes just a tad overboard. Over the last few years I remember hearing from the ESPN gang on draft day about how some crappy teams have practically rebuilt themselves after a round or two with their selections. Look, I get that parity can make bad teams good, but can we at least wait until they win a few games in the regular season before considering teams that have done nothing in recent seasons to be postseason threats?
Even though the NFL Draft coverage can be overkill, this is still a fun time of the year for sports. The NBA and NHL playoffs are just getting started, Major League Baseball is in full swing, and the NFL gets its several rounds in the spotlight. However, there is one thing about the upcoming playoffs that gets on my nerves. It’s when talking heads start comparing postseason matchups and then say, about a lower-seeded team, “I sure wouldn’t want to be playing them in the playoffs.” Shutup. This is the playoffs – you’re supposed to be playing good teams. Who do you expect to be playing this time of the year – the Raptors? The Penguins? You’re supposed to be playing teams that have a few stars on their roster, and if this team is meshing come playoff time, then the higher-seeded team better be, too.
I’ll probably watch some of the NHL playoffs this weekend, which is funny because I have no idea who is in the postseason. All I know is that New Jersey is playing well, and I’m sure Detroit is the top seed at the other place. And let me say that there is nothing better than playoff hockey, especially if a game goes into overtime. What I love about this drama is that every pass, shot and check gets magnified even more when a crucial playoff game is on the line. Also, it always seems that in a tense, sudden death contest, the winning goal is always scored in a flukish sort of way.
• Just heard on the radio that Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell is now bitching about the high gas prices and is calling for a “profit windfall tax.” Ha, you sack of shit. This coming from someone who jacked up the state gas tax a year or so ago. It’s funny that some of the biggest gougers when it comes to gas prices (state and federal government) are calling for an additional tax for when Big Oil makes “too much money.” It’s just like when the government tells us that we’re too fat. Meanwhile, the most obese, out-of-shape person I know is Uncle Sam. Oh, but Rendell is looking out for the little guy -- he's letting them work longer hours when delivering gas. If a Republican governor did this, the unions would have a shit-fit. Can't wait to see what these people say about Fast Eddie.
• Great, so the John Rocker of 2006 is going to be Keith Hernandez for saying "Women don’t belong in the dugout.” Now I didn’t listen to the audio of his comment, so I can’t say if he was joking or not, but if he wasn’t, then shame shame. Now I must disclose that I DESPISE female NFL sideline reporters, and I do have a problem with women reporters being allowed in a male locker room after a game. (If male reporters are allowed to enter women’s locker rooms after a contest, then I will strike my previous “locker room” comment; I don’t follow women’s sports so I don’t really know what their post-game policies are. However, I doubt a bunch of fat, ugly male sports reporters would be allowed access to a female locker room right after a volleyball or soccer match.) But regarding Keith’s response, he was talking about some chick that was her team’s personal trainer, and if she’s a good trainer, then she has every right to be in that dugout. No wonder Elaine Bennis turned him down.
• Well, Barry Bonds just hit his first home run of the season, so it looks like he will pass Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list. Now some fans want Barry’s stats to have an asterisk by them, or some other disclaimer saying he really didn’t “earn” his place in history due to steroid use. Now I’m a Bonds hater, but I don’t think this “qualifying” of his stats should be done. I’m sure the guy roided up, which is a shame because he was a damn good player even before he forehead exponentially, grew. But Major League Baseball did nothing during the “Steroid era” of the 1990s and early ‘00s, so it would by hypocritical to turn back and suddenly go “OMG you guys were CHEATING?!” Whether Bud Selig and pals turned a blind eye to the drug abuse going on during this time because of the revenue being generated during this time, or because they were afraid of the player’s union threatening to take action over any increased drug-testing regulations, don’t try to revise history. Deal with today’s drug use and make sure the game is cleaned up for the future. As for the past, it happened. Big deal.
• For all those in the white-collar work force, it has now become easier to goof off on the Internet. Well at least you can't get fired over it.
So I guess now if you get busted looking at on-line porn, you can say that you are reading the Sports page, which have ads like this littered in this section of many metropolitan newspapers.
• For those that think the name change from TNN to Spike was stupid, here’s one that gives “We Got Pop” (anyone remember that shit?) a run for its money. The Outdoor Life Network is changing its name to Versus. I loved this line.
Yeah, because you can’t think of “NHL” without thinking of “Versus.” If the “u” was changed to another “e” that would make for a pretty cool name for one of the dozen Jesus channels that are part of my cable lineup. Not saying I’d watch one of these stations, but couple a catchy channel name with the Buddy Christ and you might get a few more young people to tune in and watch nuns pray or whatever they hell they do.
• The Republicans are pissing me off again. Look, I feel your pain because you are the majority party with $3 gas at the pumps. Of course you’re going to get blamed for this. However, don’t insult my intelligence with these hippie $100 rebates some of you bastards are thinking of doing. Sure you guys have tried to increase refinement capacity and other such things, only to have the enviro-weenies and libs beat back these attempts. You may no longer be the party of “small government,” but please, don’t treat your constituency like those welfare leeches who think we can be bought off with some $100 kickback. If you want to buy me off, you’ll have to add a few more zeros to that amount.
Oh who the hell am I kidding? Remember that tantrum I threw a while back because the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review jewed me out of a few dollars? Well, I gave in after a telephone call offered me 33 percent off a subscription. God I’m such a whore.
• Miami Dolphins player Jason Taylor recently got stabbed in some road-rage incident, and now the other motorist is being charged with a HATE CRIME. Really? I thought Taylor got stabbed because he wouldn’t sign an autograph for this guy. Here is why I think “hate crime legislation” is retarded; can’t we lock this schmuck up for, oh, the other things he did (allegedly, of course) during this incident?
One thing I did not know was that Taylor’s wife is Zach Thomas’ sister. Wonder how those two met? I heard about this story earlier today on the radio, and the news guy said Taylor is “half-white,” which makes me wonder if the 100 years this redneck will face in jail for saying “nigger” while breaking the law will be cut in half. Maybe the defense can argue that Burns was calling Taylor’s white half “nigger.” Who knows. Who cares.
So I informed my idiot boss back in March that Mrs. kkk was going to leave her job in June, meaning she’d be without health insurance for the few months she was going to be in-between jobs. I wanted her to be put on my workplace insurance plan for just 2-3 months just in case something should happen to her. I was then told to wait until the end of March and he would give me the paperwork I’d have to fill out in order to get her on the health plan. Well, the end of March came, and I informed him of this; March turned into April and I heard nothing back, despite asking him about this every week. In fact, I was scolded one time because I was “annoying” him with this request. By the time mid-May came around I knew this asshole, whose motto in life is “That’s what the last minute is for,” wasn’t going to giving me the proper forms, despite my (at least) weekly reminders. The better half’s last day of work was June 2. On JUNE 7 I get this e-mail from the asshole that read, “Here are forms you asked about a WEEK OR TWO AGO regarding putting your wife on our health plan. Let me know if you still want to do this. Thanks.” It was at this time I decided to treat every work-related request of his with the same respect and diligence he deems worthy of dealing with my family’s health care matters. And it’s been a fun month since.
I may seem to some as being an asshole, and for the most part I am. However, one thing I take seriously is my job duties. I’m one of those queer birds that actually thinks getting work done early is a good thing, and very rarely do I turn in something right at its deadline. However, every since this events I mentioned in the first paragraph, I happily do my work and wait until whatever I’ve done is requested. If I’m told to turn something in right after I create it, I do that; however, this never happens because, hey, that’s what the last minute is for. Before if I would have worked on something, such as a brochure, I would have turned it in a day or so after the request was made, and then it would be put aside for weeks by the idiot until the deadline for this project was a day or so away, which would be when I’d get revisions.
Every three months our organization, which sells insurance and annuity products, sends out quarterly statements to our customers. Now instead of outsourcing the remedial task of stuffing thousands upon thousands of envelopes, all the “staff” has to perform this job. However, I’m actually one of the few people at this place who doesn’t mind doing this. Hell, I’ve performed a lot worse tasks for a lot less pay. I’ll gladly sit in my office, listen to RIGHT-WING RADIO, and stuff envelopes for a day. This past quarterly stuffing, my idiot boss wanted to include a stupid additional insert which informed customers that our annuity rates have increased. Of course this was my job, and after a day or so I came up with some conceptual designs. But rather than immediately put the samples on asshole’s desk, I just kept them on my hard drive and did the 20 other job responsibilities that somehow magically became part of my job description by the Workplace Delegation Fairy. A week or so went by and I was finally asked about the statue of these stupid inserts. Since they were requested, I immediately sent him a sample of the insert he decided upon with the message, “I have had the revisions done for more than a week now; nobody told me what to do with them when I made the revisions, so I just kept them on file until they were requested.”
A few days went by, and the “deadline” the idiot originally set to have these inserts finalized passed. I was then given some “last-second” revisions he wanted done. Apparently, it took almost a week for him to realize that he didn’t like the font size of some words on the insert, among other things, and he sent this revision request to me via e-mail as I was shutting down my office computer and heading out for the weekend, mentioning, “these need changed ASAP.” If anyone has seen the movie “Office Space,” (and I suggest that you do), think of when Bill Lumbergh waits until the end of the workday Friday to ask Peter Gibbons to come in on Saturday to work. I made the changes the next workday, which was Monday. Tuesday came and went, and I then took Wednesday off, which apparently was when the great envelope stuffing drive took place; darn, I missed it. It’d be nice if someone would actually tell me when these events are going to take place rather than just have a thousand or two statements plopped onto my desk. Since I took the day off, I was unaware that those stupid inserts I had mentioned above were not ready to be stuffed since these inserts hadn’t been printed out yet by the idiot, so people spent that Wednesday just folding the statements; not stuffing them. (They had to wait until the inserts were printed, then stuff both the statements and inserts into envelopes; don't ask my why they were told to do this, I have no idea.) So not only did I miss the great “folding expedition of June 2006” I wasn’t part of the “great insert-stuffing orgy of chaos” which took place Thursday and Friday of last week. Although I’m enjoying my new pseudo-passive aggressive behavior, I don’t think I need to do this in order to have my idiot boss fuck up; he seems to do a good enough job of it on his own.
• So that shithead who has been on the run for months, shooting several police officers and killing one, has finally been caught. Good. Fuck him. And fuck his family members who (allegedly) aided in his avoiding the law. One question, though: why are the media including the “Bucky” into his name Ralph “Bucky” Phillips? I think "Ralph Phillips" or "Bucky Phillips" would do just fine. Is there another criminal named Ralph Phillips out there pissed off because "Bucky" is giving him a bad name? I could see having the "Bucky" in there when he first escaped because people from the areas where he used to live might know him by this nickname, but now he's caught. I think it's safe to say we can drop the "Bucky." And if someone needs the "Bucky" to realize who this douche is...
... then that person should have to apply for a license in order to breed.
• Two entries ago I commented on the pro-censorship Democrats who don’t want some hippie ABC 9/11 Docudrama to be aired and thought back to how a few years ago the roles were reversed with that stupid “Reagans” mini-series. Now I'm taking a trip down memory lane again thanks to an upcoming political ad that's going to be used in a Virginia Senatorial race.
Upon hearing this story, I’m reminded of how it was just a few years ago when a pro-tax cut group used John F. Kennedy in some ads back in March of 2001. What did I say about it back then? Let's take a trip to the arkkkives back on March 14, 2001:
Both dead presidents? Check.
Both being used for political gain by the other side? Check.
Run the Reagan ads and let the pundit-hysteria commence.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 16: Cerebus
I first met Cerebus a few years back, and he really enjoyed the debate which used to go on in the CE threads. On top of that, he actually knew what he was talking about. Hey, did you know he was a Palestinian Christian? Cerebus was part of the Conservative Brigade, but because he was from Connecticut, where RINOs graze like how the buffalo used to before whitey showed up, he was never given the exclusive VIP membership card. However, he really isn’t like many of the other pansy-ass RINOs in the New England region; he just doesn't care for the Pat Robertsons of the world, and you really can’t blame someone for that. I’m not exactly a Robertson fan, but if he gets enough people to the polls to vote for the same people I do, then he can say God shows his wrath to third-world countries that don’t believe in Christianity through tidal waves, earthquakes and the AIDS. Then again God didn’t create AIDS, the C.I.A. did to wipe out the inner-cities. However, like many government agencies, they fucked up and now homos can’t ride bareback. Thanks a lot, Reagan. You had to go ruin that, too. I don't think I mentioned this yet, but Cerebus is a Palestinian Christian. Sadly, like many people at TSM, he moved on to do stuff in the real world, such as make babies with his hot wife, teach and do other grown-up stuff that I’m still trying to stay away from because I’m only of shell of a true man like Cerebus, who doesn’t mind being responsible and willing to engage in the circle of life. Oh, yeah. I think I heard somewhere that he is a Palestinian Christian.
7:45 p.m.
• Now there's an arrest in a tortise torture case? Good God.
4:45 p.m.
• Yeah, we don't want any of those totalitarion groups in Germany exploiting vulnerable people.
1:30 p.m.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). It’s not really a call, it’s an e-mail she just read. Someone wrote to say that she was driving down the road and saw a sign that read “Kids Come First Daycare.” Now daycare centers are like concentration camps on this show, so that’s why this e-mail was read. However, the reason I mention this is that there’s a daycare with the same name just down the road from where I live. Now the location of the e-mailer wasn’t said, and I’m sure there’s more than one business in this country with this name. However, Dr. Laura is in the Shittsburgh market. The real kicker to this is that there is a woman’s strip club right next to this daycare center near me.
Wait, I just got the caller of the day. Someone’s in love with some guy and had premarital sex with him. Uh oh. Here we go. “What you’re doing for free other women charge for.” “You’re putting prostitutes out of business.” OK, now that was funny. Why the hell would anyone call this show with a question dealing with out-of-wedlock sex? I lived in sin for six-and-a-half years and could just imagine the bitching I’d get on this show if I called with a similar question. Actually, I am curious about something. Mrs. kkk has a friend who was a bridesmaid at our wedding. Now there’s a chance that this chick could get married to this real piece of work. The better half has told her friend what she things of this guy. If her friend would end up marrying this guy, Mrs. kkk thinks that being a bridesmaid would be an endorsement of this holy union. However, if she would refuse to be a bridesmaid this would probably be the end of the friendship. Personally, I don’t think being a bridesmaid endorses the marriage; it’s just being there for a friend or family member. I could be wrong on this one, but then again I’m a guy and we don’t know shit about this stuff.
7:30 a.m.
• With yesterday's Vick and psycho-leaves-girl-to-gators stories making their rounds around the media, I didn't have the heart to tell the better half about the teens-light-kitten-on-fire tragedy. I figured she would find out about it soon enough. She did. From my work inbox this morning.
Oh this will be a fun ride home today. It's kinda funny, whenever we took in our two stray cats, each time the mother-in-law made a remark that Mrs. kkk is trying to save everything in this world. We're not trying to save the world. Just what comes up to our doorstep. And just as long as it has four legs and a tail. Fuck the human race.
11:45 p.m.
• This just popped into my head. The other night I was watching O’Reilly and he had some pro-invasion feminazi bitch on spewing the usual shit about “they’re not illegals” and all this other nonsense. She then started talking about how immigration cops ILLEGALLY storm into the houses of these undocumented employees. Yeah, doesn’t that suck when people illegally enter a territory?
• I was watching one of those “look inside at jails,” and normally I don’t tune into all that long to these shows. But this one featured Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, so I figured I’d give it a look. Jesus Christ. Whenever I hear people bitch about “overcrowed jails” and “where are we going to house all these people,” my response is “build more prisons.” No way in hell I want them living with me. Well, I’m from the suburbs. OK, so I don’t want them driving through my neighborhood and scooping out my house. My favorite pare of the show was some black guy bitching to Arpaio about how terrible it is to be a prisoner in Phoenix, (Joe has this extension of his jail that’s outdoors), and how the conditions were much better in a prison back in Kansas City. Joe responded by saying, “Well go back to Kansas City if you want to break the law.”
Ha. He's also not endorsing his state's senator John McCain. (Article's a bit dated.)
7 p.m.
• So now that the case is over, Mrs. kkk is telling me all about her time as a juror. Yes, she didn’t talk about her hippie case until it concluded. Anyway, it just reinforces the fact defense lawyers are scum. Long story short: some idiot robbed a store with a bb gun that looked real. He then went on a high-speed chase. From what it sounds like, he didn’t want to take a plea agreement, which would have probably required a bit of jail time. Instead, now he’s found guilty on all counts and is facing at least 5 years in the hole. Good for him. This incident took place more than two YEARS ago, and now his trial began on Wednesday and ended Thursday. The funny thing was the better half is guessing the defense lawyer picked her for jury duty because she is a Master’s graduate and dealt with family members that abused drugs. I guess he though she’d be all touchy feely when the defense team brought up the defendant came from a broken home. This lawyer couldn’t have been more wrong. Ha. My favorite part of the case, as was told to me by Mrs. kkk:
The criminal gets out of his car to flee on foot. The cops eventually get him. The criminal asks why the cops have their guns drawn. When the cops answer, the criminal says, “Didn’t you see me drop my gun back there (during the car chase in which I was going 90 mph in residential neighborhoods)?” I bet that plea agreement seems like a good deal now.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 90: Masked Man of Mystery
He’s masked and he’s mysterious. He’s the Masked Man of Mystery and he’s occupies the 90 spot on the list. There are two reasons he is on this list. The first is that he’s a Professional Otaku, and no list is complete without one of those. The second is that he said one of my all-time favorite lines at this place. After getting his feathers ruffled by an anti-Muslim remark by MikeSC (big surprise there) he said:
Surprisingly enough, he returned, and even posted, in the above-mentioned thread. Not only that but he also educated us on who that hot piece of under-developed ass is in his avatar. I still have no idea what a Professional Otaku is, but damnit I know I just have to have one.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From lovecraft321:
• Well today was the suq. I noticed last night that Max was having some issues with using the litter, so today it was yet another trip to the vet. Turns out he has another urinary tract infection and has to stay overnight. Hopefully with the new diet we’re going to put him on he won’t have this trouble any more, or as much. There’s some other trouble brewing as well because the way the better half and I trick him, Dessa and JJ into their carrier no longer works. For years one of us would pick up whoever had to go to the vet and the other person would get the carrier. By the time the captured realized that they had been tricked it was too late for them to escape. A few years ago, they began to get wise to practice, so we went with Plan B. We give them scheduled feedings – a quarter cup of kibble when we wake up and right before bedtime. They have this schedule down pat, but whenever we needed one of them to get in the carrier we would put food in their dishes. When the three of them would romp into the feeding room thinking they were getting second breakfast, the better half would close the door and I would go get the carrier from the basement. This tactic worked about a half dozen times. Notice I said “worked.” Now when it’s not early in the morning or late at night and we’re putting food in their bowls, they hover around the room’s entrance waiting for us to leave before entering. Today was even worse. Not only did Max totally stay out of the feeding room, but also he took off and hid underneath some chairs in the kitchen. Of course after I moved the chairs he scampered off and hid under the dining room table. Once that was moved, he went under the living room coffee table. After that it was under a corner table between our two living room couches. Once I rearranged half of the living room’s furniture he made a dash to the basement and behind the staircase, which he has pretty much his own lair. Because I couldn’t reach him anymore I had to flush him out via squirt bottle, forcing him to get out in the open. But did that ploy work? Nope. The little bastard ran upstairs into the spare bedroom. This was a good news/bad news situation. By going into the spare bedroom he was limiting his escape options. However, if he got under the bed it would be a pain in the ass to get him out. I was able to nab him before he made it under all the way under the bed and then it was off to the vet.
• Having two lawyers settle a dispute over the location for a witness statement with a game of “rock, scissors, paper” is cute, but I would have preferred pistols at dawn.
• Entertainment Weekly made some hippie list about the 25 Most Controversial Films OF ALL TIME, and the Passion of the Christ tops the list. Other entries include A Clockwork Orange, JFK, Natural Born Killers, Fahrenheit 9/11, The Da Vinci Code , United 93, Deep Throat, The Last Temptation of Chirst, The Deer Hunter, Basic Instinct and Do the Right Thing. Uh, ok. This seems a little too Vh1-ny for my taste, and I really don’t know what to about the appropriateness of these listings, considering I didn’t bother to watch most of these movies.
3 p.m.
• Pirates got a new general manager. Why in the hell would ANYONE want to come here, unless that person is jobless to begin with.
• Oh there are so many jokes to be made with this I don’t know where to begin.
• Well, at least she’s not whipping out her tit and having the crumb-snatcher suck away during the test. Trust me, wait until you see a picture of her.
Actually, with the speed of our justice system, I'm surprised the kid's not 20 years old now.
7 p.m.
• So on the drive home from work today we passed up this place that always has politically incorrect stuff on its marquee. I know I talked about this bar/restaurant before, but I can’t find it when I performed a search. Anyway, there is also this listing for upcoming local bands that will be playing there, and with that I give you the latest chat I shared with Mrs. kkk. You can figure out who is who:
“Hey, do you spell ‘Van Halen’ as ‘H-e-l-o-n?”
“No.”
“Is it ‘H-e-l-e-n’?”
“No.”
“Yes it is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Well then what is it?”
“H-a-l-e-n?”
“That’s what I said.”
“No. You said ‘H-e-l-e-n.”
“Well you know what I meant.”
“…”
Oh, and here’s a video montage of some of this guy’s signs.
• Remember "Wet Back Wednesday"? Here's a
Oddly enough, it was in that little "More From" column next to the first video posted in this entry. And it just wouldn't be a Shittsburgh video without some guy in a Steelers hat.
9:15 p.m.
Well today was when we celebrated the better half's birthday. It's not until tomorrow, but seeing how it's a workday (for me anyway and for her regarding the second job) we generally give presents for a b-day on the weekend before. When it's my birthday we go to Red Lobster (she hates watching me eat crab legs and lobster tail, and frankly I don't blame her). For her day it's usually Chinese takeout. Of course I went in to work in the early morning and came back with a bitch of a flu. And I have to go in tomorrow. Yippie. I got her Season 1 of the Ghost Whisperer. I'm pretty sure the black chick from Talk Soup is on this show, and I seem to remember a few actors/actresses appear in guest spots on this series that were on other shows she used to watch. (Providence and Charmed to name a few.) Well, I guess she'll be watching this nonstop until the next season of Charmed comes out on DVD. It could be worse. I heard Carolyn Manheim is on Season 2 of this show. Well, that's going to take away any impure thoughts I'll have with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I also got her Season 7 of Seinfeld and Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet CD. But it's not just any CD it's some hippie DUAL CD/DVD/CAR ALARM THAT ALSO ACTS AS A REMOTE CONTROL DEVICE FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR'S MICROWAVE! I have a few of these "special" CDs, but I never bother to play around with them. A while back I bought a ton of these "remastered" ACDC albums that supposedly have unlockable stuff in them, but I'm never in the mood to fiddle with them. When I want to listen to ACDC I'll play ACDC. Whenever I want to insert one of these things in my computer I ... well, I never really want to. Oh well. I guess it's nice to have all these neat-o features on something that I'll never use than to never have them at all. This is sort of the same way with DVD special features. I can't remember the last time I watched a special feature of anything, but yet you just "have" to have all that extra footage and behind-the-scenes stuff that is about as exciting as watching paint dry (or reading this blog.) But, once again, 'tis better to have it than to not.
I decided to try this Alka-Seltzer liquid cold medicine to battle this most recent bout with the flu. I'm less than impressed. Then again, I've only had one treatment. I'm a bit disappointed this hasn't knocked me out on my ass already. That's the whole purpose of that "nighttime" medicine. I want to take it and then go, "Damn, this ... is .... some good shit," fall asleep and wake up the next day not remembering how I made it to bed. I figure it never hurts to try out new medicine, especially when it's on sale. That way, if you get jewed out of your value, it's nice to know you didn't pay full retail price for it. Well, I'm about to take a second dosage. Out.
10:15 a.m.
• Well, in two-and-a-half hours I will be over the in-laws place for another Thanksgiving excursion. Yay. Actually, the last few years haven’t been that bad. We show up, Mrs. kkk has me carry these nasty veggie dishes in, along with a dessert or two that’s much more tolerable, and we eat. Also included in this meal are the brother-in-law, along with his wife and two kids. Not a bad day. Years ago, the crack-whore sister-in-law and the out-of-control niece took part. However, ever since the crack-whore sister-in-law really hit rock bottom a few years ago (and decided to stay there) she hasn’t been attending, which isn’t a bad thing. Actually, the first time she boycotted us we all commented that this was the best Turkey Day outing in recent memory. The highlight came at about 1:15 p.m. when the crack-whore called and asked my father-in-law if he was still going to pick her up the next day to go to a laundromat that’s only a block or two down from her ghetto apartment complex. She then expressed shock that she called in the midst of us eating, even though the in-law have always had Thanksgiving “dinner” at 1 p.m.
Well this year is going to be extra special because the crack-whore out-of-control niece is scheduled to attend with her boyfriend. Oh yay. Months ago she moved out of the in-laws residence and the crashing and burning has been going strong. I can’t remember the last time I saw this person, but I remember that the last time I did I commented on how “downhill” she has fallen. Please note I said this out of joy rather than pity because once the crack-whore sister-in-law meets that kidney dialysis machine in the sky we need someone else to pick up the torch and give me plenty of white trash stories to tell to you all. However, I must admit I think the out-of-control niece-in-law will probably die sometime soon and the crack-whore sister-in-law will outlive me. But that’s neither here nor there. It’ll be interesting to see how many people shun her at this event. I also know that I won’t be bringing my wallet.
Over the last few weeks, the niece-in-law has been dropping hints to my mother-in-law about wanting to come back to her house. Much to my surprise, the mother-in-law has stood firm, or at least as firm as she can. The only victim in this whole story is the poor kitten the niece-in-law has adopted a few months back that has (I’m sure) gone without its shots and other related vet care. Every time I hear a story about the niece-in-law – whether it’s getting busted for crack, getting busted for a domestic disturbance or getting warrants for not appearing in court, my first and only reaction is “but is the cat OK?”
On a somewhat related note, here’s a story about other in-laws that I have to see once or twice every year. The welfare collecting in-law relatives that host that Memorial Day cookout recently complained about having to cook a Thanksgiving Day meal. This caused the welfare collecting test tube family (think toothless Mexican) to invite them over to their house for Turkey Day. The matriarch of the test tube bunch then went out and bought used food stamps to get a bunch of food. I knew trouble was brewing when the Memorial Day welfare household then went out and got a Thanksgiving turkey anyway late last week (the reason given for this was because they wanted “leftovers). The test tube family then got a message on their answering machine at 10:45 p.m. on Monday from the other welfare family saying that they weren’t going to attend because …. It was supposed to rain on Thanksgiving and they didn’t want to get wet. No, I’m not making this up. Why would I have to when you’ve got material like this to use?
10 a.m.
• Time for Turkkkey Day Pickkks.
(3.5) Green Bay at Detroit. Christ, I don’t know how to take this one. Green Bay should win. However, the Lions have played a tough game or two on Turkey Day game. Every fiber of my being is telling me to bold “Green Bay,” but like an idiot I am not.
N.Y. Jets at Dallas. (14.5) I don’t see the Jets upsetting two playoff teams in a row. However, I have to say Rush may have had a point this past week when he said to a caller that the Jets players got pissed when they saw as many Steeler fans at that game than hometown fans. I have admit I knew my chances of the Steelers winning by 10+ points were dashed after that trick play (flea-flicker?), but I couldn’t help but laugh to hear all the boos that sprung forth after that play was successfully executed.
(11.5) Indianapolis at Atlanta. I actually had to pause when making this decision. Could Atlanta pull off the upset and lose by single digits? Well, I went with Detroit earlier, so I need to salvage this day.
Buffalo at Jacksonville (7.5). Jacksonville seems to resemble the Steelers in that they tend to play down to their competition at times. Here’s hoping this is one of those instances.
Denver at Chicago (2.5). The Broncos have been my bane this season so I’m picking them, which only means they’ll lose big.
Houston at Cleveland. 3.5 Houston started out OK, then sputtered. I’ll go with the Browns because they still have a legit shot at winning the AFC North. Wow, who would have thought about that in August?
Minnesota at N.Y. Giants (7.5). Here’s hoping the Vagiants begin that late-season collapse they are famous for.
New Orleans (3.5) at Carolina. The Saints lose a bunch of games. Then win a bunch. Now they’ve lost a few. Too bad the Panthers are terrible at home.
Oakland at Kansas City. (5.5) I’ve tried the “they have to win SOME TIME” line of thought with the Raiders. I’ve given up. I guess they were content with winning their season’s quota of games early on and coasting to the rest of the way toward the top pick in next year’s draft.
(3.5) Seattle at St. Louis. The Rams winning streak ends.
(1.5) Tennessee at Cincinnati. I’m calling the upset baby. No reason.
Washington at Tampa Bay. (3.5) Hmm, I’m getting nothing from this one. Tampa’s favored. They seem to be doing OK for an NFC South team. Sure, I’ll take ‘em.
San Francisco at Arizona. (10.5) What the hell happened to the 49ers? I was actually rooting for them to win the division because I’m sick of seeing Seattle in the playoffs. I can’t wait to see how the Cardinals will look next year with Fanaca anchoring that line.
Baltimore at San Diego (9.5). Both teams have boned me this year. I’d take San Diego to win, but not by that spread.
Philadelphia at New England. (22.5) This is getting hilarious. I’m sorry, but I tried to come up with a reason to bet against the Pats. I couldn’t.
Miami at Pittsburgh. (15.5) I’m hoping this is a “bounce back” game for the Steelers. I wonder if Joey Porter will do something special in this contest for the Dolphins?
8:35 p.m.
• Uh, OK.
I have nothing more to say about this. Hmm, maybe I can Google "Zoey Zane." Nope. Guess I found out about this too late. Shame, and she was a spunky little teen with a super sexy side!
• BAM~! Hey, it's no worse than how the AP started out their story of Emeril's show getting canned.
I never watched his show and never cared to. He probably got burnout or something. Hey, he'll still be doing stuff for the Food Network so all's good -- or at least it seems.
12 a.m.
• One little side from my recent interview stories. When I was in-between interviews on Monday, I had lunch, drove into downtown Shittsburgh (where the second interview was located), parked in the garage, lounged in the car for a while listening to music and then ventured out in public. I found the building that I was to enter but I still had about 45 minutes to kill. Because of this I went into a nearby public library. Jesus Christ. No wonder I try to stay away from as many "public" things as possible. How do these people live their lives the way they do. The building didn't seem that dilapidated but the people inside literally stunk up the joint.
And then I went into the men’s restroom.
Here’s all I have to say – there was a sign on the men’s room door that read, “No shaving, laundering or bathing.” And all the stalls were filled. Normally I can get in and out when going number one with a single breath, but this time I actually had to breathe in the potty room air. Gag.
• I’ve heard Paul Harvey say a number of things I never thought I’d hear some 100-year old guy reporting the news say. Yesterday was one of those times, what with him starting one story by saying, “Car owners like to pimp up their cars…”
• So Arizona, in hopes of bringing more people to the polls, is putting up for a referendum that if passed, would make one lucky person who bothers to vote a million dollars richer. Oh fuck no. First off, I’ve seen people that play the lottery and will only vote just to get a chance to become a millionaire (or whatever the amount is after the winnings are taxed). Believe me, you don’t want these people voting. Well, then again, considering there are a number of commies reading this blog, you probably do. I’m all about repressing the downtrodden. Let them play Powerball, just stay the hell out of my voting booth. While I hear many ads around election time telling people to “get out and vote,” I’m the exact opposite. If you don’t want to vote, then don’t. Chances are if you’re that lazy and stupid, you’ll probably vote Democrat, so stay home, eat your Cheetos and complain about how The Man is holding you back.
• Having read Bored's entry about the 1986 college football season, I was taken back to that night Penn State beat Miami in the Fiesta Bowl. It was a terrible night for driving in the Shittsburgh area with snow, sleet and ice everywhere. My half-brother, who was in high school at the time, was driving himself and me (a 10-year old kid) back to my old man’s residence when suddenly he hit some ice and slid into a guardrail. There was quite a hefty dent along the passenger side of the Nissan pickup truck, and we were fortunate enough to have a nearby family that heard the crash come out and offer us assistance. After getting over the initial adrenaline rush that accompanies any automobile accident, we were on our way back home. My half-brother was freaking out the entire time because he was so concerned about dad flipping out on him; I was trying to console him by saying he’ll just be glad that nobody got hurt. I then said, “Just take your time, drive safely and get us home. Then you can worry about it.” I was told years later that I was about three seconds away from being tossed out of the truck at that moment. Why do I bring this up? That PSU/Miami game was playing in the house of that family who took us in for a few minutes just to make sure we were OK. You want analysis of that year’s Top 25 ranking based on win-share totals and which teams ate more fiber at their pre-game meals? Go over to Bored’s place and stay there. You want stupid stories that have no meaning to your life outside of the time you wasted to read 500 or so words worth of gibberish? Then I’m glad not to disappoint ... again.
• Oh hell I might as well have some BREAKING NEWS to go with all of this shit. For those that participate in my football contest, I heard from nl-asshole that he probably won't participate this year due to the fact he's a little faggot-ass bitch. So if you were in the league last year and have a team for this year and want to switch over to the Pats, just say dibs. First come first served. And I'll be making an announcement about this year's contest in a few weeks, for those that care.
• So on the drive home from work today, I noticed the better half had her engagement ring back on her finger. No, we didn’t get into a fight or anything like that (well, at least none that have recently drawn blood). She had a cut on her ring finger and this ring was constantly rubbing up against it, making the boo-boo worse. Because of this, for a week or two she just had her wedding band on while the wound healed. Because women bitch about their men not noticing anything that they do to themselves, I tried to pretend like I actually cared about this particular subject and said, “I see you have your ring back on again.” Her reply: “It’s been on for more than a week now; thanks for noticing.” Now this is usually the part of the conversation where she tastes my knuckles thanks to a devastating right cross, but instead I just said, “Well that’s because I’m always too busy looking at your tits.” I got the Glare of Doom for that one. And here I thought chicks liked to be complimented on their physical appearances. No wonder men and women will never truly understand each other.
• Boy oh boy RIGHT-WING RADIO sure has had a field day with that
Although there are plenty of funny moments, one of my favorite lines is this:
Eight months? LOL – you had EIGHT FUCKING YEARS! Now, for as right-wing as I am, there are two things I routinely defend Clinton on (and one of them sure as hell isn’t his choice of spouses). The first is that alleged Juanita Broderick rape. Sorry, but to bring these kinds of allegations up 30 years after the fact is something I don’t care to bother myself with. The second is saying, “OMG Bill Clinton caused 9/11 by not doing anything during his administration to fight terrorism.” I’m just not going to go there; 9/11 was something that never happened before on U.S. soil and it took all of us by surprise. Sure we probably could have done more in hopes of stopping these terrorist attacks, but could you imagine the shit-fits that would have sprouted had we tried to, for example, implement current airport-screening measures back then? I even give Clinton a pass with the “he could have killed Laden but didn’t,” accusation. I’m sure if he would have lobbed a few rockets at a place intelligence reports claimed that Osama was at and the artillery ended up blowing up, say, an aspirin factory or a Chinese embassy building, there would have been a shitstorm that not even the cBS evening news could have spun in Clinton’s favor (although they certainly would have tried their best), and Bubba’s critics would have been all over him like spooge on a blue dress. There are times when I think back and wonder if perhaps Clinton wasn’t all that bad a guy, and then it’s stuff like this interview that makes me remember why I voted for Bob Dole in ’96 – well, that and the fact Rush told me to.
And while I’m on this topic, I wonder if Rick Lazio would have acted toward Hitlery in their Senate debate years ago in the same fashion Bill acted toward Chris Wallace the other day if the former Congressman would have ended up in Fort Marcy Park with a bullet in the back of his head from an apparent “suicide”?
• Here’s an update on that poor guy who got the shaft, literally. (Background information from my 6/24 entry.)
8 p.m.
• Today the better half and I went to get our taxes done at H&R Block. And just how much did we get back? $2,500 BABY!!! WHOO-HOO, THANKS UNCLE SAM FOR GIVING US BACK THE MONEY WE OVERPAID IN TAXES. While most people give out high-fives when getting this refund, I just roll my eyes and remind Mrs. kkk, who gets more taken out of her paycheck than she should, that she’s not “gaining” any money with this transaction. Actually, I’ve stopped reminding her of this a few years ago because it’s a hopeless cause. I must say thought that I enjoyed this trip. We get our taxes done by the same chick every year; the better half has been going to her for years, and when we got hitched we just kept the tradition going; I had always just used Turbo Tax, or whatever product had the best mail-in rebate. Anyway, as we were getting started, the tax chick asked if we wanted to donate $3 to the hippie election commission or whatever it was called. When the wife said “no” she made a remark about Hiterly and I could tell our tax chick wasn’t a fan of the Hildabeast. She then said, “The other day I had a customer say that if she gets elected he’s going to Canada.” Without missing a beat I replied…
PUT YOUR MITTENS ON
…“If she gets elected I’m going to the gun store, buying a sniper’s rifle then going to White House.” She said, “You don’t really mean that.” My response, “Yes I do.” Instead of avoiding me for the rest of this meeting, I think she actually approved of this. Awesome. I like her even more now. In fact, later on when we first found out how much we were getting back, I was surprised. We made less money (about $6,000 less) than the previous year but got about $500 more back. I just shook my head and remarked that if we squirted out a few kids we’d get $20,000 back. The tax chick shook her head and said, “that is so the truth.” She then went on to say how some families get thousands upon thousands of dollars just because of their kids. I make some remark about white trash and noticed from the corner of my eye the customer in the next cubicle giving me a dirty look. Jackpot. I made several more remarks that drew the ire of this redneck even more. Maybe she’ll use some of that refund loot to buy some much-needed shampoo.
• Christ, they’re making another one of these Focker movies. Oh well, they made a lot of money, so why wouldn’t they do so? Neither one did much for me, but comedy is a subjective genra.
• Good for Burger King.
I’ve been liking their ads over the last couple of years. From re-introducing that
to ads like the Texas Double Whopper, and Stacker I hope these campaigns helped bring people in to their stores. And I'm sure these ad/marketing people didn't even have to walk on hot coals, which is what their peers did do back in 2001.
Another ad campaign I liked was Taco Bell’s “Think Outside the Bun,” although it should have been mercy-killed a while back. McDonald’s and Wendy’s: the less said the better.
• For the last few days I’ve heard this stupid debate in the sports world about who would you want to be: Tiger Woods or Roger Federer. That’s easy. Roger for me. No, I don’t care about his tennis accomplishments. Tiger is expecting a cub sometime this year. As far as I know, Roger is childless. Then again, I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend; he could be a homo for all I know.
* Enters “Roger Federer girlfriend” in a Google search.*
Works for me.
9:30 p.m.
• Humor, huh?
Well let’s look and see how funny this ad is.
*Views ad*
Well, I’m sure EricMM has already wanked to it, but I found the ad to be fucking retarded. Let’s see what other "job interview" ads he’s done.
*Views ad*
OK, this one got a laugh out of me – I liked the “overqualified” line at the end.
How about we go to the other job interview ad.
*Views ad*
Uh, Bill, pimping that you were Secretary of Energy during the time of the Los Alamos scandal isn’t something I’d be pimping. Then again, I’m sure nobody remembers that.
Let’s try this one.
*Viewing ad*
OK, W. said similar crap when he was campaigning in 2000.
Wait, wha-? Say you want to get U.S. troops out of there. I understand. But heal?
Hard diplomatic work? Oh Jesus Christ. I should have quit while I was ahead.
6:30 p.m.
• OK, so I have never watched an episode of the Sopranos, but it was one of those shows that I have planned on getting the DVDs. The question is with all the bitching I’m hearing about the ending, is it worth it to get involved in this show now?
• Dennis Miller pissed me off today on his radio show. No, he didn’t say how great Hitlery is. Instead he was talking to Dana Carvey (I was listening to Friday’s show via the archives) and he said that he thought Carvey’s “grumpy old man” schtick was going to bomb when he first did the routine on weekend update. Oh bullshit. I loved the grumpy old man skits – that’s the way it was back then and WE LIKED IT!
• You can’t make this up.
Do I even need to do the obvious “making up the news” joke that you will normally find at this point in one of these entries?
• Whatever.
The headline is, in my opinion, a bit misleading. “Quit” isn’t quite the same as “retired.” Being a government employee, I'm sure he'll have a decent goodbye package. Regarding this guy who had TB – I hope that everyone he came into contact with sues him. After all, with this guy being a trial lawyer, I’m sure he wouldn’t hesitate for a second to take a few of these cases if some sap committed the same actions he did.
11 p.m.
• Haven’t paid attention to the hippie Save-the-Planet concerts, but I figured someone would bring this up:
But that’s OK. Because it’s all for a good cause.
You know, Al, instead of holding hippie concerts to tell us all how to live our lives, I think your time would be better served answering your critics.
• This was also on Drudge, but what's better than the actual article...
...was the in the comment section after the article. El Duderino, my n*gga.
No, they don't have anything better to do. Dealing with domestic Islamic terrorists is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male.
2:30 p.m.
• So I went to bed at 3 a.m. after watching that Insomniac special hosted by David Attell. Wasn’t too bad, actually. I’d rank the performances as Giraldo, Attell, Rouse and … ugh … Cook. What is the big deal behind this guy? I’ve seen two performances from him and I think I’ve only chuckled once, maybe twice – but that was because two of my cats were wrestling in front of the television at the time. Anyway, I went to bed and woke up at 1:30 p.m. today: a ten-and-a-half hour nap. Haven’t had one of those in a while. It brought back memories when I was living in Sappy Valley.
I lived at that shithole from January ’99 through August of ’00, and for my last several months I had an apartment to myself. The future Mrs. kkk went back home after she graduated from Penn State to work for a few months, and I stayed because I had steady work and it was easier to do that than go back to the Shittsburgh region, look for work for three months, and them move again to Ohio, which is where we were headed for that August. I worked 60+ hours/7 days per week, and there were several days when I put in 12+ hour shifts. There were some days when I got in and slept for 17 hours straight. And it was great. Christ, when you awaken from one of those slumbers you feel like you’re ready to take on the world.
Oh, yeah. Here was my Friday night. The test-tube welfare family I have talked about in the past stopped over for the first time to get our old screen door for their casa. And they brought their two test-tube kids. Gag. I’m sorry. I do not like these people. It mostly stems from the fact they purposely had two kids via artificial insemination when they do not have the money for this. Many people would feel bad for a family of four if they collected welfare because the dad and mom got laid off from their job, or an accident/illness befell one of them. However, these two people were on the public dole BEFORE heading off to the sperm clinic. (Note: Due to the seach function seemingly being out of order, I can't link up previous entries talking about these people to give some background info to any n00bs reading.)
Anyway, it was funny to see their reaction to our house because they were AMAZED at how nice it was. Yes, these people own a HOUSE. A house, which I learned last night, needs ductwork because the previous owner built new shitty walls to cover up the shittier walls from prospective buyers. Oh, yeah. The previous buyer didn’t install any new ventilation ducts to allow the hot air from circulating throughout the house; basically, the hot air just stayed in-between the two walls. The test-tube family didn’t realize this and just kept turning up the heat this past winter, resulting one month in a $700 bill, which I’m sure the taxpayers footed the bill for. Their house also has, according to the better half, uneven floors that allow someone to roll objects from tables and countertops with no effort. There were a few other fix-em-ups that this piece of property needs, but I can’t remember what they were. I guess those $300 mortgage payments (which they are several months behind on) proves the adage, “you get what you pay for.”
So as I sat there listening to them talking about how the matriarch of this family can’t work more than two days per week or else they wouldn’t be able to get welfare, I was doing everything I can to not include any commentary of my own. What job does this person work? She cleans her aunt’s house (the aunt whose house I attend every Memorial Day for that annual family cookout), and by “cleans” I mean “sits down all day and watches television with the rest of the public assistance leeches.” Then I heard that they were thinking about bringing a THIRD human being into this world. Oh hell no. Keep watching the Braves game, which was on to keep their kids somewhat distracted, and this will be all over with soon enough. WTF? The White Sox game was 20-14? Back to reality, the younger of the two kids says, something that struck fear into me.
“Daddy, I went poopie.”
OH HELL NO! With as droopy as that diaper of hers is, you get that brat out of this house. Sure my three cats will launch the occasional turd from one of their litter boxes and bat it around on the floor, and Dessa will infrequently pee on the carpet sometimes just to be a bitch, but they're cats. And, more importantly, they're my cats and are much less maintenance overall than a fledging human being. When these people finally left, with the screen door tied down to the top of their car and the glass part placed in the back seat (which is where their two kids were also sitting), I grabbed the can of Oust from the bathroom and started spraying the living room. Mrs. kkk and I then exchanged the following words. Figure out who said what yourself.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting the ‘poor people’ smell out of our house.”
“That is so not right.”
“Then why are you laughing?”
8:45 p.m.
• Nuts. I almost forgot about my Heisman prediction. Have no clue who did what. I’m guessing Tebow will win, but I’d vote for McFadden. I’m sure Tebow got a bunch of those touchdowns by Jew 1-yard runs. That’s all I got.
• Pickkk time.
Chicago @ Washington (3.5)
Shit.
Carolina @ Jacksonville (10.5)
The Panthers win last week was due. I just hope Jacksonville doesn’t play down to their competition.
(10.5) Dallas @ Detroit
The Lion free-fall continues.
Miami @ Buffalo (7.5)
Why in the hell do I bother with this? Oh yeah, because this week will be the WEEK.
N.Y. Giants @ Philadelphia (2.5)
I still think the Giants will flounder and all, but why not pick them?
Oakland @ Green Bay (10.5)
Here’s hoping Charles Woodson returns an interception for a touchdown so I look smart. Here’s hoping Charles Woodson is actually playing this game.
Pittsburgh @ New England (11.5)
Let’s see. Who did the Steelers lose to on the road this year: Cardinals, Broncos, Jets. Couple that with the guy who ran his mouth this week about guaranteeing a win and I’ll take the Pats. Steelers will score 17.
(1.5) San Diego @ Tennessee
Tennessee finished strong last year. They’ll stumble this year. I have no proof to back this up.
St. Louis @ Cincinnati (6.5)
I think somebody important is hurt for the Rams. Or was it the Bengals? Uh oh.
(3.5) Tampa Bay @ Houston
Somebody’s got to win the NFC South.
Arizona @ Seattle (7.5)
Sure. I’ll take the Cardinals. No idea why because they’ll probably fall like a house of cards.
(8.5) Minnesota @ San Francisco
Time for the Vikings to make a playoff run where they will lose in the first round.
(3.5) Cleveland @ N.Y. Jets
Ew. Only 3.5 points? Somebody’s hurt.
Kansas City @ Denver (6.5)
Somebody’s got to win this game: But 6.5?
(9.5) Indianapolis @ Baltimore
Will the Ravens be drained from their game with the Pats? I sure hope so.
(4.5)New Orleans @ Atlanta
You know, for as bad as the Falcons have been this year, from the predictions I heard before the season began they don’t seem to be that terrible. Then again, the Dolphins are 0-16. So remember, if you finish first in the Special Olympics, you still finished first in the Special Olympics.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 95: Kotz
Kotz is one of those riddles wrapped in an enigma for me. I’ve known him at TSM for years, and I’m still unsure if we get along or not. There have been times in the past where we’ve had playful banter, but there have been other instances where we, well, haven’t. However, he’s been a reasonably good sport whenever I’ve joked about his sexuality, among other things, so I’ll gladly include him on this list.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Carnival:
From The Real World’s Champion:
From King of the 909:
• I am usually a stickler for reading the fine print of an offer or deal. However, there was one coupon that I contend was intentionally misleading. Every month or so I get these coupons in the mail called Val-Pack. Most of the stuff is for pizza parlors not close to my residence or for products that I have no need for, like aluminum siding. Well, this one vision place advertises in this Val-Pack, and last month I used a coupon for an eye exam and two pairs of contact lenses. So far so good. I then decided to use another coupon a few weeks later for a pair of eyeglasses. Now the coupon says get $75 off a pair of frames and lenses. I look at the fine print to this coupon and it says “Minimum purchase $175.” Fair enough. When I returned to the eye place for my second pair of contact lenses and a follow-up exam I showed them this coupon and said I was interested in getting a pair of glasses; the last time I got my eyes checked was six years ago, and I can’t remember when I got my last set of glasses. Anyway, this lady tells me that the frames I picked out don’t qualify for the discount. When I asked why she said the minimum purchase had to be $175 after the discount, so the frame/lens total had to be $250. She then proceeded to act like I was three years old and said that many people don’t read the fine print of coupons. Uh, bitch. I did read the fine print. I’ve just never had the “minimum purchase” be used after the applied discount.
• So I was listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO today, and during one top-of-the-hour newscast the guy said that the state of Pennsylvania has, surprise surprise, a budget surplus. And that our wonderful Ed Rendell said he wanted the surplus to go toward, get this, tax cuts. You know it’s an election year when tax-and-spend Democrat pieces of shit want to give you back your hard-earned money. The sad thing is the rank-and-file of his party will actually believe Swin-dell’s line of bullshit.
• Well, I haven’t talked about Mikey Moore in a while, so I feel obligated to report a veteran suing him for $85 million because Mikey used his image without permission in “Fahrenheit 9/11.” While I doubt nothing will be done about this, I would be disappointing my fan base by letting the obvious “I guess someone might not be able to super-size his meals for a month” joke go by. So there you have it.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 63: Mr. S£im Citrus
Not only has Mr. S£im served our country with honor (something 99 percent of us here can’t attest to), but many times he is a voice of reason in threads dealing with life, like when he was called a fuddy duddy for saying it’s wrong to bang a soldier’s wife. It seems Mr. S£im is into the threads which are at the bottom of this board – that SWF virtual wrestling stuff. I’ve only explored that area of TSM a few times, and I’ve always ended up running away scared. However, what would be worse – becoming SWF International Champion for 50 days, or ending up on this hippie list for all of eternity? No way I’m goofing on him regarding this, what with me having seen a picture of him and all (the pic may not be viewable now, but trust me, he's a big dude). I’m sure he could use his military connections to find out where I live, drive over there, and snap me like a twig. I’m also going to refrain from making any racist jokes in this entry until after the panel has spoken. I actually see a lot of myself in Mr. S£im. Well except for that whole "serving your country" thing. Plus I'm white. Oh, and there's that whole kid issue. But I have three cats, which has to count for something.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
From Bob Barron:
From Cancer Marney:
• I heard on Around the Horn today that L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling is being sued for (allegedly) not wanting blacks or Hispanics into some housing complex that he owns. Instead, Sterling has been appealing to the Asian community to take up residence; he even changed the name of his one complex to make it sound more enticing to Koreans, according to ATH panelist JA Adande. All I have to say is can you blame this guy? Not only is his rent now getting turned in on time, but also I’m sure there is a sharp decline in the amount of stray animals roaming around his properties.
• Damn you Salem Radio Network. Today is the last day that Dave Ramsey will be on 730-AM WPIT. Because Ramsey and Salem Radio couldn’t come to an agreement regarding contract issues, Dave’s show will be taken off this set of radio stations, of which WPIT is a member. I’ve been listening to Ramsey’s show for a few months, and I was really digging the program. Now this radio station is “Help-oriented” with a lot of Jesus talk in the morning hours (which I stay away from of course), so I doubt they will replace Ramsey with Neal Boortz’s show, so it looks like I’ll have to re-arrange my afternoon play list of RIGHT-WING RADIO. Then again, I can always download his show off his Web site, but that would take too much work. Actually I think I'll probably end up doing this considering the RIGHT-WING RADIO market is pretty bad for certain parts of the day, especially when it's vacation time for the regular hosts.
• I heard on the radio today that the Shittsburgh International Airport has these stickers posted on nearby public pay phones that say all conversations on these devices are being monitored by U.S. Government courtesy of the Patriot Act. I seriously don’t know if this is a joke or not, but my local media is treating it as a legit news story. Oh, and while I’m on this subject, for those disgruntled terrorists upset about this recent unsuccessful attempt to blow up a bunch of airplanes, take heart; I’m sure the N.Y. Times will produce a cover story showing you how to avoid getting caught with liquid explosives for your next attempt to cause havoc with us infidels.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Some lady lived in sin with this guy for a few years and doesn’t get along with her step-daughter. Her husband is suffering from liver failure and doesn’t have much more time to live. This lady’s step-daughter is having her wedding in a week or so and didn’t invite the step-mom. Because of this the step-mom doesn’t want her husband to attend his daughter’s wedding. Today’s runner up call was from a 17-year old guy who was “dared” by a friend to check out an X-rated Web site. He did, is now “addicted” to viewing on-line porn and doesn’t know what to do.
You should know the routine by now.
Arizona at Atlanta (7.5)
Once again it looks like Arizona is headed down the “Hey many people selected us to be a ‘sleeper’ pick, but we’re still going lose” path. It’s still relatively early in the season to write the Cardinals off, but I’ll take my chances with Atlanta and that seven-and-a-half point spread.
(9.5) Dallas at Tennessee
With all the T.O. talk this week, some may have forgotten that the Cowboys have a game to play on Sunday. And it’s against the powerhouse Titans. I think the real reason Owens wants to play this week is so he can pad his numbers against one of the league’s struggling teams. Either way, I’m betting on Dallas to win, but will they win by more than 10 points? I’d like to go back and review Tennessee’s defeats to see if most of them were close, but then I’d be thinking while making these picks – something I promised not to do. I’ll say sure, why not go with those Cowboys?
(9.5) Indianapolis at N.Y. Jets
The Jets have been a scrappy team so far this year, and although I think Indy will win this game, the question is will they cover the spread. Well, the Jets head coach used to work on a team that had the Colts’ number, but because the Indianapolis offense had a light week against the Jaguars (especially in the first half) I’ll say a well-rested Manning leads his team to a double-digit victory.
(4.5) Miami at Houston
Miami hasn’t looked good all year, and Houston hasn’t look good ever since they entered the league. I’ll say Miami will probably win, but Houston will make it close with the potential for an upset.
Minnesota at Buffalo (1.5)
Interesting match-up. I’m curious to see how the Vikings react to last week’s loss. Will that loss to the Bears carry over into this week? I don’t know, but I’ll guess the Vikings in another upset.
New Orleans at Carolina (7.5)
I think it’s funny the 3-0 Saints are such big underdogs against the 1-2 Panthers. It seems that Carolina starts the season out slow and finishes it hot, so based on that alone I’ll say the Panthers will win. But will they cover the spread? Because the Saints have defeated their other divisional opponents this year, I’ll side with them this week.
(2.5) San Diego at Baltimore
Ben Roethlisberger played his first NFL game against the Ravens in Week 2 of the 2004-2005 season when he replaced an injured Tommy Maddox. If memory serves, he didn’t do too well. After two “tune-up” games, I think Phillip Rivers will experience what Big Ben went through.
San Francisco at Kansas City (7.5)
I think Kansas City will win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say … no.
Detroit at St. Louis (6.5)
I think St. Louis will win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say … sure.
(3.5) Cleveland at Oakland
A true clash of the titans, and neither one is from Tennessee. Oakland has been pitiful this year so far, but are they pitiful enough to have Cleveland be the favored team in the black hole? At least Cleveland played Baltimore tough last week. I’ll go with the Browns.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Washington
Washington had a big win last week, but it was against Houston. Jacksonville has had a hard schedule so far, and when a game at the Washington appears to be the “soft spot” in a team’s first four games, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.
New England at Cincinnati (6.5)
Cincinnati has played well so far this year, and New England has looked vulnerable at times. I have to go with the Bengals, even though I think the Patriots have a chance to make this a close game.
Seattle at Chicago (3.5)
The marquee NFC game of the week, I have a feeling one team will show up to play and the other one won’t. The problem is I don’t know which team will do what. Let’s see, in last year’s playoffs the Panthers crushed the Bears in Chicago, and Carolina got beat down the following week at Seattle. Based on this, I’ll side with the Seahawks.
Green Bay at Philadelphia (11.5)
I don’t see Green Bay winning, but can they at least keep it somewhat close? For some reason, I’m thinking of that horrible overtime interception Favre threw in the 2003-2004 divisional playoffs against Philadelphia a few years ago (at least I’m pretty sure this is the game I’m thinking about). Is that a sign? I’ll say yes.
(7.5) Baltimore at Tennessee. Incorrect.
Well, I pulled a Democrat comparison with Steve McNair going against the evil corporate giant that screwed him over, and in true union fashion Ravens didn’t put in that much actual work and failed to cover the spread.
Buffalo at Indianapolis (12.5). Correct.
Woo-hoo, go Colts. Keep winning those close games that the experts predict you to win handedly.
Chicago at N.Y. Giants (2.5). Correct
At first I was worried that the Bears would continue playing a bit sub par, but thank goodness for 100-yard botched field goal touchdown returns.
Cleveland at Atlanta (7.5). Incorrect
So Atlanta loses to the Lions AND the Browns? I don’t care what the team is they face next, if I bet against the Falcons I know they’ll win just to piss me off.
Green Bay at Minnesota (5.5). Incorrect
Wow. Bret Favre goes 24 for 42 with 347 yards, two touchdowns and no interceptions. In Minnesota? Who the hell could see that coming?
Houston at Jacksonville (10.5). Correct.
What the hell is up with Jacksonville? They struggle to beat the Texans at Houston, then they outright lose to the same team in their own stadium. Well, it is a divisional game, and anything can happen in these instances.
(1.5) Kansas City at Miami. Incorrect.
Perhaps the Dolphins can lobby the league to start the regular season in November, which is when they seem to get hot.
New Orleans at Pittsburgh (4.5). Incorrect.
I watched the first part of this game and thought the Saints would outscore the Steelers. When I tuned in later and saw the score to be 38-31 in favor of the home team, I shook my head. Granted the Steelers aren’t as bad as their record indicates (in my opinion), but perhaps now we’ll see if the Saints are really as good as their record shows.
N.Y. Jets at New England (10.5). Incorrect.
Props to the Jets head coach. He may be an asshole to the media, but it looks like he’s getting the most out of this team and they have seemed to be competitive in a number of games they have lost.
(1.5) San Diego at Cincinnati. Correct.
I watched this game’s second half, and it was the most entertaining football I’ve seen in some time. What the hell is up with the Bengals? I can understand them losing a game against a good team, but now they are below .500? I didn’t realize that until now.
San Francisco at Detroit (6.5). Correct.
I have to laugh that Detroit would be favored by nearly a touchdown against any team.
Washington at Philadelphia (7.5). Correct.
The Eagles came to play. The Redskins came to … uh, raid the hotel mini bar?
(9.5) Denver at Oakland. Correct.
I have to wonder if Denver is pulling an “Indy” and just coasting to bad teams, or if this is proof that the Broncos will have a shortened playoff run, if they indeed make the postseason?
(7.5) Dallas at Arizona. Correct.
Dallas plays crappy team. Dallas wins.
St. Louis at Seattle (3.5). Incorrect.
Shit. I thought the Seahawks would be able to cover.
Tampa Bay at Carolina (9.5). Correct.
I saw the first part of this game and was regretting my choice. When I woke up the next morning I had to do a double-take when I found out the Panthers covered.
This week’s record: 9-7. Cumulate record: 69-75
I actually had a winning record. Yippie.
