Every few weeks the kkk househould changes the four litter boxes scattered around the house. Last night it was my turn to do the cleaning. As I was doing this fun chore I had on ESPN’s draft special #374128957498 on, and they were talking with Bill Polian, the general manager of the Indianapolis Colts. I had this on as background noise so I may not be completely accurate in what I thought I heard. The ESPN guy was asking Polian about the recent asquisition of Adam Vinatieri, and Polian was saying how Adam was among the great kickers in NFL history and then he named a few players. One name that made me do a double-take was Scott Norwood. Um, OK. I’m sure Norwood may have had a good career and all (he's the Bills all-time leading scorer, last I checked), but I wouldn’t want to have my field goal kicker associated with this guy, especially since you’re expecting him to make some game-winning field goals in the playoffs. I’m sure Bill Buckner had a good career, but I wouldn’t want to compare my team's first baseman to him, especially if they're postseason-bound.
While I’m on this subject, there’s something else I need to grumble about. I get how it can be fun to watch the NFL draft and try to figure out who your favorite team is going to draft and stuff, but sometimes this goes just a tad overboard. Over the last few years I remember hearing from the ESPN gang on draft day about how some crappy teams have practically rebuilt themselves after a round or two with their selections. Look, I get that parity can make bad teams good, but can we at least wait until they win a few games in the regular season before considering teams that have done nothing in recent seasons to be postseason threats?
Even though the NFL Draft coverage can be overkill, this is still a fun time of the year for sports. The NBA and NHL playoffs are just getting started, Major League Baseball is in full swing, and the NFL gets its several rounds in the spotlight. However, there is one thing about the upcoming playoffs that gets on my nerves. It’s when talking heads start comparing postseason matchups and then say, about a lower-seeded team, “I sure wouldn’t want to be playing them in the playoffs.” Shutup. This is the playoffs – you’re supposed to be playing good teams. Who do you expect to be playing this time of the year – the Raptors? The Penguins? You’re supposed to be playing teams that have a few stars on their roster, and if this team is meshing come playoff time, then the higher-seeded team better be, too.
I’ll probably watch some of the NHL playoffs this weekend, which is funny because I have no idea who is in the postseason. All I know is that New Jersey is playing well, and I’m sure Detroit is the top seed at the other place. And let me say that there is nothing better than playoff hockey, especially if a game goes into overtime. What I love about this drama is that every pass, shot and check gets magnified even more when a crucial playoff game is on the line. Also, it always seems that in a tense, sudden death contest, the winning goal is always scored in a flukish sort of way.
6:30 p.m.
• Ha.
And you’re the one that wants the unFairness Doctrine in place to ban RIGHT-WING RADIO. Get a taste of your own medicine by having someone curtail your speech, you little shit.
• So Sidney Crosby signed a contract extension and didn’t get the biggest payday he could have.
More power to him. I’ve said before, I don’t mind athletes trying to get as much money as they can. If you’re fortunate to have your services in that high of demand, then go for the phat check. However, surely there has to come a time when the money takes a back seat to other things. At the end of his career, Crosby is going to have a shitload of money. If you were in his position, would you rather have $200 million and no Stanley Cup title or $150 million with a much better chance to give that silver trophy a smooch or two?
• David Beckham is in the hizzle.
Whatever. I have nothing against the chap. If he puts a few more butts in the seats, then yay. I doubt soccer will see a boom from this, but I’m sure if ESPN shoves this down our throats, then maybe I’m wrong. Then again, that hippie cell phone they pimped a while back didn’t quite work out for them, and those commercials got on my last nerve. While I’m on the subject of ESPN, this “Who’s Now” thing they’re doing has got to be one of the dumbest things I’ve seen this network do. When I’ve seen Jay Harris (one of the few anchors I don’t mind) talk about this gimmick I swear he’s saying to himself, “Think about the paycheck, Jay, just think about the paycheck.”
• Well no shit.
My one niece-in-law is a really big girl, and now that she’s getting into the double-digits in age, I can see that she’s getting a bit self-conscious of her waistline. Oh well.
Efforts? So calling someone “fatass” would be hate speech? Oh, and this is rich.
7 p.m.
• Yet another fun day of work. This time I got into a heated argument with the idiot boss. What caused this? My quest for the truth. Basically, my primary, time-sensitive job duty -- the job I was hired to do -- needs to be done during the middle of each month. (That might be a reason why sometime I post an entry during the weekend at work during the 2nd-3rd week of a month.) Well, turns out I now have a new duty for the next six months. Take a wild guess when it’s due? Yep. Every 15th. So today, for the second time in two days, I ask the idiot what takes priority – the job I was hired to do or this new one. No answer. For those who work, you may have had experience with what I call the “ostrich supervisor.” That is, the boss who, when faced with bad news or a question he/she doesn’t want to answer, just doesn’t say anything. Yeah, that’ll make it go away. (Actually, I just made the “ostrich” term up 30 seconds ago, but whatever.) Well, I kept asking, and finally this douche said, “both.” Uh, no, fuckwad. One has to come before the other. As I refused to let him off the hook in front of all his little minions in the office, the atmosphere got more and more awkward. Did I mention that I haven't directly looked at him since last June? That’s always a fun thing. It’s always hilarious to me when shit-for-brains employers get afraid of things like the truth and direct questions. Oh, and the cherry on this sundae is the fact that he waited a week-and-a-half to tell me this, when had he informed me of this new duty when it was first conceived I would have it done already. However, now I have to deal with both duties under a much tighter deadline period. (My monthly romp of fun began earlier this week, and from this week on it's a miracle that I get the amount of work I do done in just under three weeks.) Oh, and why wasn't I informed of this when I actually had some "spare" time to work on this? Because at yesterday's meeting where he first told me of this was the first day when another co-worker got back from a weeklong vacation. A co-worker WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY NEWLY ASSIGNED DUTY. So he waited a week and change to tell me something at an "official" meeting that he could have just said to me when it was first created. Actually, I prefer e-mail correspondence because being in his mere presence for longer than 5 seconds makes me ill. Thank Christ my interaction with him is limited due to being two floors below his cubicle of despair.
• So Michael Wilbon was talking about Mike Mussina on PTI today and he mentioned that Mussina had never been a 20-game winner. Really? I’ll be damn. He hit 19 twice and 18 thrice.
• I saw the first “Hitlery” bumper sticker on the way home from work today. Ugh.
• Oh John Edwards. Don’t ever change.
Since it’s Friday and I don't feel motivated to think of something original to write, what better time than to give my Week 3 Pickkks?
(3.5) Carolina at Tampa Bay
Both teams are under-achieving in the early part of this season. Both teams are also winless. I’ll go with Carolina because they had a chance to win last week’s game and lost in overtime.
(3.5) Chicago at Minnesota
A battle of undefeated NFC North teams, I’m tempted to go with Minnesota for a third consecutive week. Even though the Bears are being hyped up for impressive wins against not-so-impressive opponents, I also heard Chicago doesn’t play too well at Minnesota. So what will it be? Shit, I don’t know. I’ll say the Bears snap their Metrodome losing streak, and I hope they do so by more than a field goal.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (1.5)
This one should be interesting. I’ll go with the Bengals simply because they’re pissed off, and last year’s contests had the visiting team win.
Green Bay at Detroit (6.5)
Seriously, who really cares? Since Roy Williams is on my shit list with his inability to back up his guarantees with action, I’m taking the Packers.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis (7.5)
I like Jacksonville. They’re a tough team and beat the crap out of their opponents. In many ways, they remind me of the Houston Oilers of the 1970s; good enough to win, good enough to make the playoffs, but not good enough to beat the top team in their division. Not like I would know, considering I was three-and-a-half years old when the Steelers beat the Oilers 27-13 the last time they met in an AFC Conference Championship. Will this be the year Jacksonville breaks through and upsets the Colts? Could be. If this were a straight-up pick ‘em I’d go with Indianapolis. But because this is involves point spreads, I’m going with Jacksonville.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo (5.5)
Buffalo has been playing tough so far this year, but I’m not sure if they are “tough enough” to have 5.5 points. Then again, these are the Jets. I’ll take Buffalo.
Tennessee at Miami (11.5)
OK, if Miami can’t win this game then they are in a world of hurt. They should win, but not by a large enough score to cover the spread.
(3.5) Washington at Houston
Like Miami above, if Washington can’t win this week then my prediction of them winning the NFC East will look quite foolish. I’ll take Washington, but you know what always happens when you trust those in D.C. do to anything right.
(7.5) Baltimore at Cleveland
Will Baltimore keep their hot streak going? I’ll say sure.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle (3.5)
Will Emily and her band of big blue brothers bamboozle the Pacific powerhouse predators? I hope not, and maybe my picking Seattle might tilt the odds a little bit toward Seattle’s favor.
(6.5) Philadelphia at San Francisco
Philly is going to take out last week’s meltdown on the 49ers.
St. Louis at Arizona (4.5)
St. Louis beat Denver in Week 1 and lost to San Francisco in Week 2. Arizona beat San Francisco in Week 1, so I’ll say they’ll beat the Rams.
Denver at New England (6.5)
Denver has been playing like crap so far, and I’m sure the Pats want to avenge last season’s playoff loss.
(3.5) Atlanta at New Orleans
New Orleans is 2-0 and going back to the Superdome. Will this give them enough mojo for a home win? Nah. Atlanta is in the Deep South, too. What this has to do with winning football games, I don’t know.
11 p.m.
• Haven’t paid attention to the hippie Save-the-Planet concerts, but I figured someone would bring this up:
But that’s OK. Because it’s all for a good cause.
You know, Al, instead of holding hippie concerts to tell us all how to live our lives, I think your time would be better served answering your critics.
• This was also on Drudge, but what's better than the actual article...
...was the in the comment section after the article. El Duderino, my n*gga.
No, they don't have anything better to do. Dealing with domestic Islamic terrorists is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male.
2:30 p.m.
• So I went to bed at 3 a.m. after watching that Insomniac special hosted by David Attell. Wasn’t too bad, actually. I’d rank the performances as Giraldo, Attell, Rouse and … ugh … Cook. What is the big deal behind this guy? I’ve seen two performances from him and I think I’ve only chuckled once, maybe twice – but that was because two of my cats were wrestling in front of the television at the time. Anyway, I went to bed and woke up at 1:30 p.m. today: a ten-and-a-half hour nap. Haven’t had one of those in a while. It brought back memories when I was living in Sappy Valley.
I lived at that shithole from January ’99 through August of ’00, and for my last several months I had an apartment to myself. The future Mrs. kkk went back home after she graduated from Penn State to work for a few months, and I stayed because I had steady work and it was easier to do that than go back to the Shittsburgh region, look for work for three months, and them move again to Ohio, which is where we were headed for that August. I worked 60+ hours/7 days per week, and there were several days when I put in 12+ hour shifts. There were some days when I got in and slept for 17 hours straight. And it was great. Christ, when you awaken from one of those slumbers you feel like you’re ready to take on the world.
Oh, yeah. Here was my Friday night. The test-tube welfare family I have talked about in the past stopped over for the first time to get our old screen door for their casa. And they brought their two test-tube kids. Gag. I’m sorry. I do not like these people. It mostly stems from the fact they purposely had two kids via artificial insemination when they do not have the money for this. Many people would feel bad for a family of four if they collected welfare because the dad and mom got laid off from their job, or an accident/illness befell one of them. However, these two people were on the public dole BEFORE heading off to the sperm clinic. (Note: Due to the seach function seemingly being out of order, I can't link up previous entries talking about these people to give some background info to any n00bs reading.)
Anyway, it was funny to see their reaction to our house because they were AMAZED at how nice it was. Yes, these people own a HOUSE. A house, which I learned last night, needs ductwork because the previous owner built new shitty walls to cover up the shittier walls from prospective buyers. Oh, yeah. The previous buyer didn’t install any new ventilation ducts to allow the hot air from circulating throughout the house; basically, the hot air just stayed in-between the two walls. The test-tube family didn’t realize this and just kept turning up the heat this past winter, resulting one month in a $700 bill, which I’m sure the taxpayers footed the bill for. Their house also has, according to the better half, uneven floors that allow someone to roll objects from tables and countertops with no effort. There were a few other fix-em-ups that this piece of property needs, but I can’t remember what they were. I guess those $300 mortgage payments (which they are several months behind on) proves the adage, “you get what you pay for.”
So as I sat there listening to them talking about how the matriarch of this family can’t work more than two days per week or else they wouldn’t be able to get welfare, I was doing everything I can to not include any commentary of my own. What job does this person work? She cleans her aunt’s house (the aunt whose house I attend every Memorial Day for that annual family cookout), and by “cleans” I mean “sits down all day and watches television with the rest of the public assistance leeches.” Then I heard that they were thinking about bringing a THIRD human being into this world. Oh hell no. Keep watching the Braves game, which was on to keep their kids somewhat distracted, and this will be all over with soon enough. WTF? The White Sox game was 20-14? Back to reality, the younger of the two kids says, something that struck fear into me.
“Daddy, I went poopie.”
OH HELL NO! With as droopy as that diaper of hers is, you get that brat out of this house. Sure my three cats will launch the occasional turd from one of their litter boxes and bat it around on the floor, and Dessa will infrequently pee on the carpet sometimes just to be a bitch, but they're cats. And, more importantly, they're my cats and are much less maintenance overall than a fledging human being. When these people finally left, with the screen door tied down to the top of their car and the glass part placed in the back seat (which is where their two kids were also sitting), I grabbed the can of Oust from the bathroom and started spraying the living room. Mrs. kkk and I then exchanged the following words. Figure out who said what yourself.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting the ‘poor people’ smell out of our house.”
“That is so not right.”
“Then why are you laughing?”
6 p.m.
• So I heard my first Barack Osama radio ad today.
*Blahblahblah We pay high gas prices and Exxon makes $30 billion Blahblahblah*
PA’s primary can’t come quick enough. Then again, I'm sure it will be just as bad in the general election.
• You know, I don’t get the Sarah Jessica Parker hate.
Maybe it’s because “Sex in the City” was terrible or something – not that I would know because I never watched it. She looks different. Big deal. I don’t fantasize about her while stroking my wiener, but I don’t find her repulsive. But I have to ask this: Why bring it up now when this was first published last fall? Don't say the upcoming "Sex in the City" movie, because this doesn't really do much to make someone want to go out, put down $10 for a ticket and watch the UNSEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE~!
• I’m sure there are places in the “progressive” part of towns that would charge $8 per serving for this.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 16: Cerebus
I first met Cerebus a few years back, and he really enjoyed the debate which used to go on in the CE threads. On top of that, he actually knew what he was talking about. Hey, did you know he was a Palestinian Christian? Cerebus was part of the Conservative Brigade, but because he was from Connecticut, where RINOs graze like how the buffalo used to before whitey showed up, he was never given the exclusive VIP membership card. However, he really isn’t like many of the other pansy-ass RINOs in the New England region; he just doesn't care for the Pat Robertsons of the world, and you really can’t blame someone for that. I’m not exactly a Robertson fan, but if he gets enough people to the polls to vote for the same people I do, then he can say God shows his wrath to third-world countries that don’t believe in Christianity through tidal waves, earthquakes and the AIDS. Then again God didn’t create AIDS, the C.I.A. did to wipe out the inner-cities. However, like many government agencies, they fucked up and now homos can’t ride bareback. Thanks a lot, Reagan. You had to go ruin that, too. I don't think I mentioned this yet, but Cerebus is a Palestinian Christian. Sadly, like many people at TSM, he moved on to do stuff in the real world, such as make babies with his hot wife, teach and do other grown-up stuff that I’m still trying to stay away from because I’m only of shell of a true man like Cerebus, who doesn’t mind being responsible and willing to engage in the circle of life. Oh, yeah. I think I heard somewhere that he is a Palestinian Christian.
7:45 p.m.
• Now there's an arrest in a tortise torture case? Good God.
4:45 p.m.
• Yeah, we don't want any of those totalitarion groups in Germany exploiting vulnerable people.
1:30 p.m.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). It’s not really a call, it’s an e-mail she just read. Someone wrote to say that she was driving down the road and saw a sign that read “Kids Come First Daycare.” Now daycare centers are like concentration camps on this show, so that’s why this e-mail was read. However, the reason I mention this is that there’s a daycare with the same name just down the road from where I live. Now the location of the e-mailer wasn’t said, and I’m sure there’s more than one business in this country with this name. However, Dr. Laura is in the Shittsburgh market. The real kicker to this is that there is a woman’s strip club right next to this daycare center near me.
Wait, I just got the caller of the day. Someone’s in love with some guy and had premarital sex with him. Uh oh. Here we go. “What you’re doing for free other women charge for.” “You’re putting prostitutes out of business.” OK, now that was funny. Why the hell would anyone call this show with a question dealing with out-of-wedlock sex? I lived in sin for six-and-a-half years and could just imagine the bitching I’d get on this show if I called with a similar question. Actually, I am curious about something. Mrs. kkk has a friend who was a bridesmaid at our wedding. Now there’s a chance that this chick could get married to this real piece of work. The better half has told her friend what she things of this guy. If her friend would end up marrying this guy, Mrs. kkk thinks that being a bridesmaid would be an endorsement of this holy union. However, if she would refuse to be a bridesmaid this would probably be the end of the friendship. Personally, I don’t think being a bridesmaid endorses the marriage; it’s just being there for a friend or family member. I could be wrong on this one, but then again I’m a guy and we don’t know shit about this stuff.
7:30 a.m.
• With yesterday's Vick and psycho-leaves-girl-to-gators stories making their rounds around the media, I didn't have the heart to tell the better half about the teens-light-kitten-on-fire tragedy. I figured she would find out about it soon enough. She did. From my work inbox this morning.
Oh this will be a fun ride home today. It's kinda funny, whenever we took in our two stray cats, each time the mother-in-law made a remark that Mrs. kkk is trying to save everything in this world. We're not trying to save the world. Just what comes up to our doorstep. And just as long as it has four legs and a tail. Fuck the human race.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 13: NoCal Mike
You know, one might think I hate liberals. And while that may be true, there’s one group out there I hate even more. Those faggot “independents” that are bigger commies than Khrushchev. Fuck I hate these people. If you’re going to be for anti-American shit then just come out and say it. Don’t pretend you’re all high and mighty. Calling yourself an “independent” doesn’t make you any smarter than reactionary fucks like me. Medium-Large Media may spooge all over you come election time, and they might invite to their “focus group rooms” during a debate just so we can see how MODERATES react to the candidates' responses. Give me a break. This is why I love people like NoCal Mike. If you’re going to hate this country, at least be honest about it. NoCal is, and that’s why he rules. Shit, he’s one of the few left-wingers that I believe would vote for Ralph Nader. And while I’m not a huge fan of the "mindless zombies taking over the world” movies, NoCal loves ‘em. Say, maybe he is a Democrat after all. And he watched “OZ,” which might explain some of his opinions on gay marriage. (I hope the future Mrs. NoCalMichelle knows about this.) Wait a second, that "OZ" thread was in response to a thread I started. Uh, nevermind. Go queers!
8 p.m.
• Still haven't really gotten used to MP3 and all that other shit. Damn kids.
7:45 p.m.
• So when I got my super-sized cable package a few weeks ago, one of the channels I’m surprised I haven’t checked out more is the NFL Network. Today I had some preseason game on from several days ago and couldn’t decide if this was a good or bad thing. I’ve never been big into preseason, but I never had my livelihood depend on these “meaningless” games. Charles Barkley once said that preseason is just to screw over the fans, but I don’t have a problem with them. Sure there’s always those handful of starters that get hurt for the year, but this is how many teams gauge second-string talent. Talent that take over for injured or under-performing starters in the regular season. It’s weird watching preseason games because while you watch a missed tackle on a third and 10 play and shrug your shoulders, the defender at fault is probably thinking other things, especially if he’s not the opening-day starter.
• Oh for fuck’s sake, W. can’t get his pro-invasion legislation so now we shouldn’t go after the invaders for the sake of Census figures? Boo-fucking hoo.
When it comes to illegals, there’s only one number that should be considered for the Census: too many.
9:30 p.m.
• So we went grocery shopping tonight, and we were by the meat section. I was eyeing up some 92 percent lean ground beef on sale when some old broad starting bitching about the price of pig's bone, or whatever the hell that shit was. She then started bitching to me and the better half about how you have to be a "millionaire" in order to feed your family. It took every fiber of my being to hold back, and Mrs. kkk took the brunt of this "back in my day" shit because she knew I was about to piss someone off big time. You know, if you're trying to feed your family, I don't think you'd be buying a BONE.
2:15 p.m.
• Call me John Kerry on this issue, but I really don’t fault either Trent Green or Travis Johnson for their actions in Sunday’s game. Here’s the story.
From what I have heard, and according to the article above, Green threw a legal block, but a player getting cut like that could suffer a season-ending injury. So when the defensive player starts yelling at the downed quarterback right after the play, I don’t blame him one bit for doing so. And that “scarecrow” quote is my line of the week.
If the NFL really wants to do something to better the league, then they should do something about cut-blocking, or whatever it’s called, instead of teams calling “time out” right before the other team’s kicker boots a pigskin through the uprights.
On and regarding Keith Olberman, would he have called Green THE WORST PERSON IN THE NFL if Johnson would have been carted off and the Dolphins quarterback got up without a scratch?
11:45 a.m.
• Long story short: So the idiot boss is the head of some publicity/marketing committee that is putting some event together outside of work. Now my co-worker and I know this guy who is part of planning for this event (which is doomed for failure), and our “deep throat” told us that our boss volunteered to head up this committee because he “has connections” within the media. Guess what I got 20 minutes ago? An e-mail from said idiot. What was the e-mail about? Him asking for my list of local media contacts. Yeah, he’s got connections alright. Oh, and speaking of publicity, he hasn’t given me any information about this event for publication in our mailing material, and the next mailing will be going out after this event’s RSVP deadline. God I love this place.
8:45 p.m.
• Nuts. I almost forgot about my Heisman prediction. Have no clue who did what. I’m guessing Tebow will win, but I’d vote for McFadden. I’m sure Tebow got a bunch of those touchdowns by Jew 1-yard runs. That’s all I got.
• Pickkk time.
Chicago @ Washington (3.5)
Shit.
Carolina @ Jacksonville (10.5)
The Panthers win last week was due. I just hope Jacksonville doesn’t play down to their competition.
(10.5) Dallas @ Detroit
The Lion free-fall continues.
Miami @ Buffalo (7.5)
Why in the hell do I bother with this? Oh yeah, because this week will be the WEEK.
N.Y. Giants @ Philadelphia (2.5)
I still think the Giants will flounder and all, but why not pick them?
Oakland @ Green Bay (10.5)
Here’s hoping Charles Woodson returns an interception for a touchdown so I look smart. Here’s hoping Charles Woodson is actually playing this game.
Pittsburgh @ New England (11.5)
Let’s see. Who did the Steelers lose to on the road this year: Cardinals, Broncos, Jets. Couple that with the guy who ran his mouth this week about guaranteeing a win and I’ll take the Pats. Steelers will score 17.
(1.5) San Diego @ Tennessee
Tennessee finished strong last year. They’ll stumble this year. I have no proof to back this up.
St. Louis @ Cincinnati (6.5)
I think somebody important is hurt for the Rams. Or was it the Bengals? Uh oh.
(3.5) Tampa Bay @ Houston
Somebody’s got to win the NFC South.
Arizona @ Seattle (7.5)
Sure. I’ll take the Cardinals. No idea why because they’ll probably fall like a house of cards.
(8.5) Minnesota @ San Francisco
Time for the Vikings to make a playoff run where they will lose in the first round.
(3.5) Cleveland @ N.Y. Jets
Ew. Only 3.5 points? Somebody’s hurt.
Kansas City @ Denver (6.5)
Somebody’s got to win this game: But 6.5?
(9.5) Indianapolis @ Baltimore
Will the Ravens be drained from their game with the Pats? I sure hope so.
(4.5)New Orleans @ Atlanta
You know, for as bad as the Falcons have been this year, from the predictions I heard before the season began they don’t seem to be that terrible. Then again, the Dolphins are 0-16. So remember, if you finish first in the Special Olympics, you still finished first in the Special Olympics.
8 a.m.
• And what is Hitlery going to do when some Muslim country rags on her for being the White Devil/Great Satan/a general bitch in nature?
Wow. She won't appear on OMGFAUXNEWSLOL2008 and may not appear on MSNBC-sponsored debates. I thought the purpose of the primary season was to get on lots of media outlets only to run and hide once elected to office?
You know, I remember when Rush Limbaugh did some dog-fades-to-Chelsea image on his television back in the early 1990s, and he got rightfully blasted for it. However, if Hitlery is going to use her adult daughter to hawk for votes, then using the “p” word is seemingly appropriate. Besides, “pimp” has gained more of a meaning than its original intent. Say, what better time to take a trip down memory lane?
Well, now I feel like it.
When I was at the test-scoring facility in Ohio, we scored some state-assessment projects via computers and others by hand. The latter consisted of the students’ actual test papers and were delivered to us by mail. These papers were grouped in booklets, and there were a bunch of them to keep organized. To aid us in properly sorting out these hundreds (maybe even thousands – I can’t remember) of packets, we hired clerks. Basically, these were high-school students doing the summer job thing.
Well there was this one particular project in which we had a really good clerk, or at least that’s what I was told by my boss. Shrug. I didn’t mind getting up and taking my test-scoring group’s completed packets and putting them back in their initial boxes – it gave me a chance to get up from my chair. Then again, I’m sure the big bosses wanted someone who made less money to do this basic function, so I don’t blame them for getting us these assistants. Anyway, our clerk (I’ll call her Jen) was going to be out for a few days due to some operation and I wanted to know if we would be given another clerk or if our project was going to be clerk-less for a time. No big deal either way. I went to Jen’s boss Joe and asked him about this. Joe was a very soft-spoken guy and was great to work with. He was one of those guys who would hardly say a word, but then when he did it would be a great one-liner. When I asked him this question, he thought about it for a second and then said he was going to get this one clerk from this one project to help us out on one day. He then said that he would get this other clerk from this other project to aid us on another day. As he was mulling his options, I made the following remark, “Doesn’t this kind of make you like a ‘clerk pimp’?” He gave his usual laugh and that was that.
Or so I thought.
The next day my boss came up to me and was freaking out because two other people in this project who were also at my same management level were freaking out. When I asked why, my boss said that Jen wrote a letter to the clerks who were going to be help us out. This letter was just a basic “here’s where you put these completed packets/etc.” guide. However, there was one passage that brought on my co-worker’s ire.
Jen used the phrase “clerk pimp” to describe her boss Joe. The sentence read something like “Depending on which day the clerk pimp decides to send you over to our project…” and our two older co-workers read this and were enraged. I then responded to my boss that I was the one to came up with the “clerk pimp” term. He then laughed and said something like “Why am I not surprised? Well they are PISSED at Jen.”
Too fucking bad.
The only time I said “clerk pimp” was to Joe, so logic told me that Joe had to have said this phrase to his clerks. If Joe doesn’t care and Jen was writing a note that was intended for her fellow clerks, then my fellow test-scoring supervisors needed to take the sticks out of their respective asses. If not, then they need to get pissed at me because I’m the one who made this oh-so-wretched description.
As I went to my desk, I could tell these two older women were pissed. I can’t remember how this started, but they mentioned this offensive letter and I went right at them and said I was the one who came up with the term in a conversation with Joe and anyone had a problem with the choice of words then they should deal with me rather than Jen, who probably heard “clerk pimp” from her boss. The one lady then said the following:
“Do you know what a pimp does?”
I laughed. I laughed quite a bit, actually.
After a few days of pseudo-drama, the “clerk pimp” saga ended, although Jen was a little jittery once she heard of the OUTRAGE her letter caused. This was before I told her to let me know if anyone gave her grief about the phrase because I was the “clerk pimp” originator. Of course, nothing ever came of it, which didn’t surprise me. It’s a wonder how we got any work done there at times.
For those that ever wondered what it is like to live the life of kkk, here’s a glimpse. (Don’t stare for too long or else you’ll probably go blind. Either that or feel the urge to put a bullet in your brain.)
When the better half isn’t putting her six-plus years of higher education to use at her one job, she works at a pizza shop that she has been a part of for more than a dozen years. Part of it is because she likes it down there (and away from me), and another part is because she has amassed so much debt it makes Congress look frugal in comparison. Well, this is a local pizza shop, and they actually produce a good product, so many times we have ordered from there. When we first moved back to Pennsylvania in 2003, we were well within this place’s range of delivery, so there were no problems. However, when we moved in 2004 to our current place of residence, the better half told me that this place normally doesn’t deliver out to where we relocated. Bummer.
A few days ago I got the urge for pizza (more like I didn’t have the urge to cook) and suggested we order from some place. Now whenever I ask Mrs. kkk where she wants to order from, she usually likes to place an order to “I Don’t Know.” Hey, don’t diss I Don’t Know – they have some kick-ass wings, although the breadsticks are a bit on the pricey side. Well after getting the “I don’t knows” out of the way, we settled on pizza. I wanted to order from her workplace, but remembered that we were too far out. Also, the better half has always told me never to order from there on Sundays because that is when all the stupid high school kids work there and the food is horrible. I then had an idea. Lets order from the newly opened shop that carried the same franchise name as Mrs. kkk’s shop?
I wish I could have closed that Pandora’s Box, but it was too late.
This new store had opened about a week or so ago, and it was closer to our residence, so I figured what could it hurt? Well from the phone call to place our order it was like the better half was in mystery shopper mode. The person who received our call, according to the better half, didn’t know anything about the current specials or coupons available for transactions. Then she had to ask us for our address TWO TIMES. Oh, and it took her a minute to figure out how much the total bill would be. Oh, and she sounded miserable, too. After the call, Mrs. kkk began bitching about all the things this poor girl did wrong. When our order came to the door, the pizza was slightly burnt (still good enough for me) and instead of leaving onions off the hoagie we ordered, it had the onions included, which meant I wasn’t going to eat my half of the sandwich.
The better half then began going off on how the order was screwed up and that this new place had no idea what it was doing. When I tried to interject on behalf of this newly opened business and suggest that maybe after one week in operation there were still some kinks to work out, she shot me the usual “don’t question me” look I normally get when trying to infuse common sense into one of her rants.
Mrs. kkk enjoys working at this pizza shop because she hates her other job, which is in a white-collar setting with her doing clinical research. Thankfully, she’s in the process of getting another job lined up and will be switching over to that study in September. However, no matter where she works during the day, in her heart she will always be that pizza maker. She could be CEO of a Fortune 500 company and will still work several nights a week at some shithole with no air conditioning and come home smelling like a mix of dough, peppers and sweat.
Oh, and this botched delivery wasn't all bad; the people that cashed out our driver must not have known how to include the tip line to the final total of my credit card transaction.
• I’m not a big Brett Favre fan, but then again I don’t hate him like some other people I know. However, this whole “Will I or won’t I retire?” saga is getting on my nerves, and I’m not even talking about this past weekend’s incident with the faux news conference. While the NFL is notorious for cutting players who have shown a particular team loyalty for years, Favre is one of those few exceptions who should get to call it quits when he wants. However, that doesn’t mean he should screw his team over by not letting them know if he will be back for another season or two. I get it, Brett. You won the Pack a title, and came close other times with your numerous postseason appearances. You helped turn Green Bay into “Title Town” again, at least for one year back in the ‘90s. But the Packers also provided you with a comfortable lifestyle. For as much as you did for the Packers, the Packers did the same for you. I’m sure it would feel horrible to go out the way you and your team played last year, but if it’s taking you this long to decide on whether or not to give this NFL thing another go that’s a pretty obvious sign that it’s time to hang up the cleats.
• Here’s something that’s been bugging me this young baseball season. While some teams enjoyed opening day last week in their home stadium, it took almost a week for some teams to play their first home game. It is famously said that in baseball everyone has a chance at winning the World Series on opening day. Well, by the time the Pirates lost 8-3 in their home opener this afternoon, they already lost six of their first seven road games. Pirate fans (at least the ones remaining) have 161 other games to see how awful their team is; can’t they get their first home game when they’re only 1-2 games out of first, giving those at PNC Park the chance to dream of pennant races and division titles?
• So illegal immigrants are at it again with protests, or whatever the hell those things are supposed to be (well that explains why that head of lettuce was $10 at the market today). I said this before, but it bears repeating. If these illegals want to “show us” how valuable they are by not working the jobs Americans don't want to work, let’s make it a fair exchange. For the day that these people walk out of work, let’s refuse any kind of social services to people who can’t prove that they are an American citizen. If you won’t pick lettuce in the fields or clean hotel rooms, then you don’t get the emergency room health care and state tuition assistance. Sounds fair to me.
• So my favorite Maury Povich “Who is the baby’s daddy?” couple was on today. This black chick claimed this guy with six fingers (one grew out of his pinky, or something like that) was the father of her crumb snatcher. The accused claims he’s not the father, and that she’s just after the “number one draft pick” who is "230 PERCENT SURE" he’s not the daddy. Even though he was exonerated after the test results came back, the best was yet to come. When Maury told the chick they could help her find who the real daddy is she said that she had a list of FIVE OTHER POSSIBLE FATHERS. I don’t watch these shows all that often, but you can’t get any better than a show that has a title like “I have three kids, and I’m not sure if you’re the father of all of them.”
• So on the drive home from work today, I noticed the better half had her engagement ring back on her finger. No, we didn’t get into a fight or anything like that (well, at least none that have recently drawn blood). She had a cut on her ring finger and this ring was constantly rubbing up against it, making the boo-boo worse. Because of this, for a week or two she just had her wedding band on while the wound healed. Because women bitch about their men not noticing anything that they do to themselves, I tried to pretend like I actually cared about this particular subject and said, “I see you have your ring back on again.” Her reply: “It’s been on for more than a week now; thanks for noticing.” Now this is usually the part of the conversation where she tastes my knuckles thanks to a devastating right cross, but instead I just said, “Well that’s because I’m always too busy looking at your tits.” I got the Glare of Doom for that one. And here I thought chicks liked to be complimented on their physical appearances. No wonder men and women will never truly understand each other.
• Boy oh boy RIGHT-WING RADIO sure has had a field day with that
Although there are plenty of funny moments, one of my favorite lines is this:
Eight months? LOL – you had EIGHT FUCKING YEARS! Now, for as right-wing as I am, there are two things I routinely defend Clinton on (and one of them sure as hell isn’t his choice of spouses). The first is that alleged Juanita Broderick rape. Sorry, but to bring these kinds of allegations up 30 years after the fact is something I don’t care to bother myself with. The second is saying, “OMG Bill Clinton caused 9/11 by not doing anything during his administration to fight terrorism.” I’m just not going to go there; 9/11 was something that never happened before on U.S. soil and it took all of us by surprise. Sure we probably could have done more in hopes of stopping these terrorist attacks, but could you imagine the shit-fits that would have sprouted had we tried to, for example, implement current airport-screening measures back then? I even give Clinton a pass with the “he could have killed Laden but didn’t,” accusation. I’m sure if he would have lobbed a few rockets at a place intelligence reports claimed that Osama was at and the artillery ended up blowing up, say, an aspirin factory or a Chinese embassy building, there would have been a shitstorm that not even the cBS evening news could have spun in Clinton’s favor (although they certainly would have tried their best), and Bubba’s critics would have been all over him like spooge on a blue dress. There are times when I think back and wonder if perhaps Clinton wasn’t all that bad a guy, and then it’s stuff like this interview that makes me remember why I voted for Bob Dole in ’96 – well, that and the fact Rush told me to.
And while I’m on this topic, I wonder if Rick Lazio would have acted toward Hitlery in their Senate debate years ago in the same fashion Bill acted toward Chris Wallace the other day if the former Congressman would have ended up in Fort Marcy Park with a bullet in the back of his head from an apparent “suicide”?
• Here’s an update on that poor guy who got the shaft, literally. (Background information from my 6/24 entry.)
• No wonder Seinfeld didn't have any regular black characters. I always liked George and Jerry best, with Kramer coming in third, followed by Elaine at a distant, distant fourth, but after hearing this I might move Cosmo up a spot or two. Giddiap.
Of course, nobody is saying anything about the racist epithets hurled at poor Kramer. “Cracker”? My people deserve better than this. Wait, the guy's a Jew? Nevermind.
• I guess It’s only appropriate a wedding took place where the best truck for this ceremony was called “Grave Digger,” considering the groom is about to embark on a slow death with that ring on his finger. This couple won a contest to get hitched at a monster truck rally, which makes me wonder what the losers of this contest must feel like – will they now attempt to say their vows at the local Wal-Mart or McDonald’s? I was never into monster truck rallies, although I remember when Bigfoot was the shizzle. I'm not sure if that truck is still around, but I do remember Grave Digger back in those days.
• Ryan Howard is the NL’s Most Valuable Player. Fuck those hippie win-share and other gay-ass stats. I say good for him. Now it’s only a matter of time until we find out he takes the roids.
8 p.m.
• Today the better half and I went to get our taxes done at H&R Block. And just how much did we get back? $2,500 BABY!!! WHOO-HOO, THANKS UNCLE SAM FOR GIVING US BACK THE MONEY WE OVERPAID IN TAXES. While most people give out high-fives when getting this refund, I just roll my eyes and remind Mrs. kkk, who gets more taken out of her paycheck than she should, that she’s not “gaining” any money with this transaction. Actually, I’ve stopped reminding her of this a few years ago because it’s a hopeless cause. I must say thought that I enjoyed this trip. We get our taxes done by the same chick every year; the better half has been going to her for years, and when we got hitched we just kept the tradition going; I had always just used Turbo Tax, or whatever product had the best mail-in rebate. Anyway, as we were getting started, the tax chick asked if we wanted to donate $3 to the hippie election commission or whatever it was called. When the wife said “no” she made a remark about Hiterly and I could tell our tax chick wasn’t a fan of the Hildabeast. She then said, “The other day I had a customer say that if she gets elected he’s going to Canada.” Without missing a beat I replied…
PUT YOUR MITTENS ON
…“If she gets elected I’m going to the gun store, buying a sniper’s rifle then going to White House.” She said, “You don’t really mean that.” My response, “Yes I do.” Instead of avoiding me for the rest of this meeting, I think she actually approved of this. Awesome. I like her even more now. In fact, later on when we first found out how much we were getting back, I was surprised. We made less money (about $6,000 less) than the previous year but got about $500 more back. I just shook my head and remarked that if we squirted out a few kids we’d get $20,000 back. The tax chick shook her head and said, “that is so the truth.” She then went on to say how some families get thousands upon thousands of dollars just because of their kids. I make some remark about white trash and noticed from the corner of my eye the customer in the next cubicle giving me a dirty look. Jackpot. I made several more remarks that drew the ire of this redneck even more. Maybe she’ll use some of that refund loot to buy some much-needed shampoo.
• Christ, they’re making another one of these Focker movies. Oh well, they made a lot of money, so why wouldn’t they do so? Neither one did much for me, but comedy is a subjective genra.
• Good for Burger King.
I’ve been liking their ads over the last couple of years. From re-introducing that
to ads like the Texas Double Whopper, and Stacker I hope these campaigns helped bring people in to their stores. And I'm sure these ad/marketing people didn't even have to walk on hot coals, which is what their peers did do back in 2001.
Another ad campaign I liked was Taco Bell’s “Think Outside the Bun,” although it should have been mercy-killed a while back. McDonald’s and Wendy’s: the less said the better.
• For the last few days I’ve heard this stupid debate in the sports world about who would you want to be: Tiger Woods or Roger Federer. That’s easy. Roger for me. No, I don’t care about his tennis accomplishments. Tiger is expecting a cub sometime this year. As far as I know, Roger is childless. Then again, I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend; he could be a homo for all I know.
* Enters “Roger Federer girlfriend” in a Google search.*
Works for me.
11 p.m.
• Wonder if this will be on their Vh1 show?
Looks like the tree no-sold the crash. I don't care about tasteless jokes -- the kid was speeding. I'm just glad no bystanders were affected by Nick's act of stupidity (or his friend's; the article didn't say who was driving).
7 p.m.
• Well the better half and I had yet another epic debate last night. Yesterday we went to my niece-in-law’s residence for her 11th birthday party. For those keeping score at home, this is the daughter of my crack-whore sister-in-law and little sister of my out-of-control niece-in-law. Thankfully, this one lives with her dad and step-mom in a relatively normal environment. This was the first time Mrs. kkk and I had ever been over this house, and when we got there we sat on the deck with a few other people. I had a rare bout with car sickness on the way over, so I was feeling a bit queezy. I figured getting up and eating some food would be the cure, and I was right. The hostess was asking everyone if they wanted nachos, and I agreed to pass out the food. I went into their kitchen, grabbed a few nacho trays and handed them out to everybody. About 30 minutes later I went back into the kitchen, which is located right next to the deck, to get a second helping because I hadn’t had nachos in a long time and they were so f’n good. About an hour or so later, a bunch of us went into the kitchen to sing “happy b’day” to the birthday girl, and I stay in the kitchen to eat my ice cream cake because of the heat and humidity that was outside. On top of that, there were about a dozen kids around taking up space (they had been swimming for most of the time so now deck space was at a premium), so I figured staying indoors would ease the congestion. Besides, they had central air.
On the way home, we were talking about a number of things, and then the better half said the following: “I was uncomfortable with you going into a house we had never been at before.”
Que?
Oh I had a field day with this. First off, it’s not like I kicked open the door, checked out all the bedrooms and took a dump in the main bathroom with the door open. Besides, the door to the deck/kitchen was OPEN. There was FOOD. I must be an odd host, because I’d actually want people to do things like getting up from their chairs to go over and get food to eat. You know, it’s not even worth it to go into any more detail over this. The oven’s pre-heat timer just rang and now it’s time to put in the fishsticks.
All in all, it was a good enough day. The niece-in-law had the happiest reaction from the present Aunt Better Half and Uncle kkk got her, and considering Mrs. kkk actually keeps track of present reactions, I guess that was a good thing. Yes, she bitches when the presents she we get one of her nieces or nephews doesn’t get the happiest reaction at the party. I’m sure I’ll go into more detail about this sometime down the road.
10:30 p.m.
• More wedded bliss. From a conversation with the better half today (she took the day off work). You can figure out who is who.
“How was work?”
“It was work. How was your day.”
”Oh I had an emotional breakdown while eating my Boo Berry.”
“Uh-huh. An emotional breakdown over what?”
”I don’t know.”
“OK then.”
Oddly enough, her monthly visitor is due next week. Christ almighty I couldn’t imagine being a chick. The last time I had an emotional breakdown Barry Bonds was unable to throw out Sid Bream at the plate.
• Speaking of work, it turns out we’re hiring some chick who fits the perfect description of being an officer employee at my place. Low self-esteem, no prospects, willing to get the life sucked out of her little by little day by day. Actually, she didn’t get hired for the job we were advertising for. That job is going to go to another co-worker who is pretty much doing the job of three people (at least). Long story short, there are three of us who do our job while everyone else slacks off or are completely fucking clueless and criminal. I’m one of the three. My co-worker who is in the office next to me is the second. The person getting shifted over to a new position is the third. Turns out this newly hired person may be getting more than the $8/hour originally planned because management is telling the current employee getting shifted over that she’ll be getting a SUBSTANTIAL RAISE when reviews are done. There’s one little catch: WE DON’T HAVE REVIEWS! We get some gay-ass “cost of living” thing at the start of each year. There is no “review.” You know, sometimes you can evaluate yourself by the company you keep. However, I like to also think you can do the same thing by looking at who views you as an enemy/threat.
Another work story, sort of. My co-worker and I were talking this morning, and the subject of my animal-loving wackiness was brought up. He called me an animal-rights wacko because I was going off on some children < pets rant. I disagreed with his assessment, primarily because an animal-rights wacko thinks animals are on the same level as people. I disagree. My cats aren’t as “equal” as me. In fact, they are vastly inferior, which is why they need my protection. However, I will say that they provide more to society than many people, particularly my crack-whore sister-in-law and the out-of-control niece. For example, my three kids
1) Provide companionship.
2) Squash bugs.
3) Let us know someone is at the door because they run away and hide.
4) Serve as an alarm clock because if they don’t get fed by 5:30-6 a.m. they wake us up, or at least they wake up Mrs. kkk. This has actually kept us from being late for work a number of times.
I just named four things Dessa, JJ and Max do to earn their keep. I can’t think of one thing my two relatives mentioned above have done for the greater good. Let’s see, they:
1) Don’t work.
2) Collect welfare.
3) Use emergency services for drug overdoses that are nothing more than attempts to get attention.
4) Get free government health care for conditions caused by drug and alcohol abuse.
And if a dog/cat gets put in a shelter they only have a week to be adopted before getting the needle, but yet we have an “affordable housing crisis” for our underclass. Put the pets in the shelters and gas those living off the public dole.
8:45 p.m.
• Damn you Bush economy. And here I thought living paycheck to paycheck was supposed to be fun.
Wait, what-?
So people living paycheck to paycheck can’t afford the super market food and buy from CONVENIENCE STORES?
Speak for yourself. This week’s grocery bill went from $80 down to $50 thanks to my Jew eye. Actually, I did a little number-crunching regarding last month’s household budget. There were several expenses that were non-regular or unexpected [$400 car insurance premium, JJ’s $100 trip to the vet for his acne(!), local taxes ($100), job interview and other clothes ($300), family cookout ($100), etc.] and with this $1,000 in unexpected expenses, we still managed to be $200 in the black for the month. I went and calculated all the money we saved on food and clothes thanks to coupons and sales, and that total came to just under $600. And we didn’t buy milk or eggs at the Quickie Mart.
9:15 p.m.
• Here’s a work story, but it doesn’t involve me~! Long story short: Mrs. kkk works in the realm of academia. ‘Nuff said. Here’s the latest reenactment of her workplace.
Boss: “OMG Does our work study person have enough work!? I don’t want her just sitting around doing nothing.”
Better Half: “The work study student (Jenna) has plenty of work to do. She’s entering in all the data we’re giving her, and she’s doing a good job. She has to still do data entry from our interviews from the last two weeks.”
Boss: “OMG I hope we’re not overworking her.”
Better Half: “WTF.”
Don’t you love this shit? And apparently Mrs. kkk’s boss asks her about this, along with several other ongoing micromanaging issues, multiple times a day. My solution was to have Jenna document everything she does and give it to the boss either at the end of a work shift or at the start of next day’s work. Of course, the boss doesn’t want to do that. I guess freaking out 20 times per day is preferable. And this woman makes six figures. The boss, not the better half.
• Uh oh.
I've worked third-shift for a number of years, including a number of shifts where I didn't get home or go off to work in the middle of the night.
6:15 p.m.
• Quick pickkks, err, pickkk.
Green Bay @ Dallas (7.5). Normally I'd go with Dallas but this spread is too big to pass up. Watch it be a blowout.
7 p.m.
• So the better half and I got our taxes done by the H&R Block chick that Mrs. kkk has gone to for years. This year we overpaid $2500. Wait, did I say “overpay”? I meant WE’RE GETTING $2500 BABY~! Sadly, the better half does that thing where they take more out of your paycheck; I’ve just let this issue be one of those things we just have to agree to disagree on. Oh well, at least this lady is funny. Last year I made some right-wing remarks while sitting there and this year was no exception. I really don’t remember what I said because I came in toward the end of our appointment (was held up at work), but I think it had something to do what that “stimulus” package Congress is passing/just passed. Our tax lady was talking about it and I asked if illegals will be sucking on this government teet. (I heard some rumblings that they could.) She said “no,” and I replied “at least not until that bitch gets elected.” Our pseudo-accountant began laughing out loud and said if Hitlery gets elected she’s moving to Canada. Uh, why? They already have their government health care. Then again, our friends north of the border don’t have 300 million people to deal with.
• I’ll tell you what – for a Republican to be this close in the polls is actually surprising for me.
Then again, it’s McCain. I lifted this from the other place.
• Even though Obama is a bigger dumbfuck than Hitlery, it'd be nice to see him get the nomination because that would mean the Hildabeast would probably never run for President again. After all, if anyone is willing to make her a running mate, I hope to God that person has a phat life insurance policy signed.
In previous entries I’ve mentioned my opinion of state-run lotteries. I consider playing Powerball equivalent to flushing your money down the toilet, but if you have an office pool going when a jackpot reaches $100+ million, then chip in your $5 because if you don’t you know your co-workers will have a winning ticket, thus making you the only person in the office for the next workday. Back when I used to work at the Quickie-Mart during my college days, I got to interact with these gambling junkies on a frequent basis, and let me just say that these are some of the scariest, not to mention most pathetic, mo-fo’s out there. They were so scary that I dubbed them “Lottery People.”
There are two types of Lottery People. You have the ones who play Powerball, Daily Numbers, etc., and then you have those that indulge in those instant scratch-off games. Today’s entry will deal with the former; I’ll get to the latter another time. A considerable amount of Lottery People are these little old ladies who have been playing certain numbers for their entire lives, but there are also younger, equally dumb, contestants. However, the most aggravating are the blue-haired seniors.
During my Quickie-Mart days we had two cashiers, and in-between our registers was the dreaded lottery machine. When a customer had numbers to play, the person whose register she approached had to go to the lottery machine and enter the numbers, all the while your customer line grew and grew. I think the biggest annoyance was that our regular customers who played the lottery always had with them a piece of paper which had their list of numbers written on it. Now of course instead of handing the sheet over to us so we could enter in the numbers, they would proceed to READ THEM OFF ONE AT A TIME. Even when we asked for their precious chicken-scratch many of them would refuse to do so. One time I had this regular customer who was an old hag that always refused to let me read off her list. A day or so later when she came back to play her numbers she claimed I previously messed up her numbers, and the number I erred on hit for the first time in her life. Did I screw up her numbers? I don’t know, but seeing as how Rule #2 of the Lottery People Handbook is to double-check your numbers after you received your tickets, I don't really care if I did or not. Then again, there are many rules in the Lottery People Handbook that aren’t followed, such as:
#4: If you place a certain set of numbers, MARK THEM DOWN on one of those insta-sheets you can just give to a cashier so he or she can run them through the lottery machine error-free.
#8: If you have more than several numbers and are in a hurry, don’t buy your tickets during the MORNING or AFTERNOON RUSH HOUR, when the Quickie-Mart is at its busiest.
#15: When checking your numbers, don’t do it at the register, and don’t be surprised if customer who has been waiting behind you for 10 minutes pushes you out of the way so he can pay for his gas and pack of beef jerky. Go to a low-traffic area, double-check your numbers, and return back to the register if there’s a ticket that’s incorrect.
#16: If the lottery machine ticket paper needs re-filled, getting pissy and impatient will not help matters, considering those machines are a bitch to re-fill. If you get pushy or annoying, the customer service representative may deliberately take his time re-filling the machine just to piss you off even more.
#23: Should you enter a store and find a long-ass line at the lottery machine, don’t act all surprised. There are many idiots in this world, and sometimes you'll have to wait if you wish to part with your money in a senseless fashion.
#42: In the rare case you actually get a winning ticket for a nominal amount of cash, please let the cashier know this and what the amount is before this customer service representative goes to pay you out. Believe it or not, a Quickie-Mart employee is not supposed to have $300 readily available in large denominations somewhere within his or her cash register.
Back to that person earlier in this entry who claimed I screwed up her winning number. Being the remorseful soul that I am, I told her that from now on I would no longer enter her numbers for her and told her to have our other customer service representative perform this service. And just who was my other co-worker? This old broad who didn’t know, nor ever bother to learn, how to operate the lottery machine; when she had to get her picks entered (of course she played the lottery – she was old), another co-worker had to punch in the numbers for her. The look of terror my elderly customer had on her face told me that I knew she would never bitch about her incorrect lottery numbers ever again. Even though during my times as a cashier I experienced many infractions from the Lottery People Handbook, I have never witnessed anyone breaking the #1 rule of this guide: Never have someone old enough to receive senior discounts ring up your numbers.
With all of these wacky incidents, one would think that the instant scratch-off breed of Lottery People would be better behaved. Hey, it’s not like you have to do any kind of data entry service for them. Well you would be wrong. In fact, some of my more egregious encounters with Lottery People were via the instant win method.
You should know the routine by now.
Arizona at Atlanta (7.5)
Once again it looks like Arizona is headed down the “Hey many people selected us to be a ‘sleeper’ pick, but we’re still going lose” path. It’s still relatively early in the season to write the Cardinals off, but I’ll take my chances with Atlanta and that seven-and-a-half point spread.
(9.5) Dallas at Tennessee
With all the T.O. talk this week, some may have forgotten that the Cowboys have a game to play on Sunday. And it’s against the powerhouse Titans. I think the real reason Owens wants to play this week is so he can pad his numbers against one of the league’s struggling teams. Either way, I’m betting on Dallas to win, but will they win by more than 10 points? I’d like to go back and review Tennessee’s defeats to see if most of them were close, but then I’d be thinking while making these picks – something I promised not to do. I’ll say sure, why not go with those Cowboys?
(9.5) Indianapolis at N.Y. Jets
The Jets have been a scrappy team so far this year, and although I think Indy will win this game, the question is will they cover the spread. Well, the Jets head coach used to work on a team that had the Colts’ number, but because the Indianapolis offense had a light week against the Jaguars (especially in the first half) I’ll say a well-rested Manning leads his team to a double-digit victory.
(4.5) Miami at Houston
Miami hasn’t looked good all year, and Houston hasn’t look good ever since they entered the league. I’ll say Miami will probably win, but Houston will make it close with the potential for an upset.
Minnesota at Buffalo (1.5)
Interesting match-up. I’m curious to see how the Vikings react to last week’s loss. Will that loss to the Bears carry over into this week? I don’t know, but I’ll guess the Vikings in another upset.
New Orleans at Carolina (7.5)
I think it’s funny the 3-0 Saints are such big underdogs against the 1-2 Panthers. It seems that Carolina starts the season out slow and finishes it hot, so based on that alone I’ll say the Panthers will win. But will they cover the spread? Because the Saints have defeated their other divisional opponents this year, I’ll side with them this week.
(2.5) San Diego at Baltimore
Ben Roethlisberger played his first NFL game against the Ravens in Week 2 of the 2004-2005 season when he replaced an injured Tommy Maddox. If memory serves, he didn’t do too well. After two “tune-up” games, I think Phillip Rivers will experience what Big Ben went through.
San Francisco at Kansas City (7.5)
I think Kansas City will win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say … no.
Detroit at St. Louis (6.5)
I think St. Louis will win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say … sure.
(3.5) Cleveland at Oakland
A true clash of the titans, and neither one is from Tennessee. Oakland has been pitiful this year so far, but are they pitiful enough to have Cleveland be the favored team in the black hole? At least Cleveland played Baltimore tough last week. I’ll go with the Browns.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Washington
Washington had a big win last week, but it was against Houston. Jacksonville has had a hard schedule so far, and when a game at the Washington appears to be the “soft spot” in a team’s first four games, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.
New England at Cincinnati (6.5)
Cincinnati has played well so far this year, and New England has looked vulnerable at times. I have to go with the Bengals, even though I think the Patriots have a chance to make this a close game.
Seattle at Chicago (3.5)
The marquee NFC game of the week, I have a feeling one team will show up to play and the other one won’t. The problem is I don’t know which team will do what. Let’s see, in last year’s playoffs the Panthers crushed the Bears in Chicago, and Carolina got beat down the following week at Seattle. Based on this, I’ll side with the Seahawks.
Green Bay at Philadelphia (11.5)
I don’t see Green Bay winning, but can they at least keep it somewhat close? For some reason, I’m thinking of that horrible overtime interception Favre threw in the 2003-2004 divisional playoffs against Philadelphia a few years ago (at least I’m pretty sure this is the game I’m thinking about). Is that a sign? I’ll say yes.
So I was surfing through the Free Movie selection from my Comcast On Demand service, and I came across a gem that I had forgotten all about -- Alien Nation. No, it’s not about Mexicans. It’s about these space people that find their way to earth and are trying to fit in. While this was pretty much a “buddy cop” movie between an earthling and one of aliens, it was interesting to see how a number of the newcomers tried to mesh with human society. This film spawned a TV series on FOX back in the late 1980s, of which I regularly watched. I don’t remember much of the television series other than the series ended on a rather sad cliffhanger. (I heard there was another movie made after the TV series, but I’m not certain.) I remember watching this show for a few years, and to have it end (if memory serves) with some humans plotting a mass extermination was kind of a bummer. There is another memory from the television show that I do remember, and that is when the human cop tells his alien partner about some of the greatest baseball squads of all time, and one of the teams he makes a reference to was a futuristic Pirates team from the mid-1990s. Wow, this really was a fictional program. But I digress.
As I watched this movie again (I also saw it years ago, but didn’t remember anything plot-wise), I was reminded of all the things about the television show that for some reason I found entertaining (and still do). The aliens giving themselves “goofy” names (the alien cop in this movie was named “Sam Francisco”), aliens getting drunk off of sour milk and their fear of salt water because it was the equivalent of acid to their touch (which begged the question why these people would settle next to the Pacific Ocean). I also liked the cross-cultural references such as this one involving the human cop, named Matthew Sykes, goofing on Sam’s name, to which Sam replies, “I'm sure it doesn't bother you at all that (your last name) sounds like "ss'ai k'ss," two words in my language which mean "excrement" and "cranium … Shithead.”
For some reason, I looked up what Roger Ebert said about this movie, and for all the crap he awards three/four stars, I was surprised he only gave this film two stars. Here’s an excerpt from his mostly negative review:
N*gga plz. One reason I liked this movie is because it didn’t deal with any of that shit, although I did notice a few references to (d), which didn’t detract from the film at all. There’s only 90 minutes to flush out a story, and if (b) or (c ) would have been used it probably would have been poorly done. Oh, and the Newcomers were concealing something; the effects of that narcotic the big bad guy in this movie was trying to move out onto the alien masses (go watch the movie if you don’t know what I’m talking about).
On a side note, when I was scanning the other available free movies I came across a SPECIAL EDITION of Dances with Wolves with more than ONE HOUR of extra footage. OK, even though this film is about the hippie Indians and how the evil white man drove them from their land and all that other shit, I still like this movie. However, do we really need an extra hour added to this film, whose theatrical version is already three hours long?
7:30 p.m.
• Time to bring yet another NFL prediction game to closure. Back in September I guessed which games on the NFL’s new flex schedule would make it to the prime-time slot. Let’s see how I fared. Below was my prediction for each week followed by that game’s score. If another game was called by Al Michaels and John Madden that week, I put it in parentheses below.
Week 10. Chicago at New York: 38-20. Correct.
Week 11. Indianapolis at Dallas: 21-14. Incorrect.
(San Diego at Denver: 35-27)
Week 12. Carolina at Washington: 13-17. Incorrect.
(Philadelphia at Indianapolis: 21-45)
Week 13. Seattle at Denver: 23-20. Correct.
Week 14. Indianapolis at Jacksonville: 44-17. Incorrect.
(New Orleans at Dallas: 42-17)
Week 15. Kansas City at San Diego: 9-20. Correct.
Week 16. Cincinnati at Denver: 23-24. Incorrect.
(San Diego at Seattle: 20-17)
Week 17. Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: 23-17. Incorrect.
(Green Bay at Chicago: 26-7)
Well, I went 3-8. Uh, yay and stuff.
While I’m on the subject of football, I might as well give my opinion of how each pre-game show did. ESPN – yeah, right. Fox? Simply dreadful. I never knew how much I liked James Brown until after he went to CBS. Historically I had always tuned in to the Fox pregame show more than anywhere else, and when I heard their Week 1 telecast, I couldn’t believe my ears. I gave the benefit of the doubt to that new token black guy; after all, it would take a while for that crew to develop chemistry. However, whenever I tuned in to Fox as the season progressed, I still didn’t care for them. CBS, on the other hand, got even better with Brown acting as the non-jock moderator. I must though that my favorite group was NBC’s “Football Night in America.” It started out “eh” for me, but as the season went on I felt that quartet meshed better with each passing week. Besides, I’m a Bob Costas fanboy, so I know I’m being a bit biased here. And I’ll even step up and defend that Pink opening song. It’s not great or anything, but it was certainly passable, especially if you had it playing in a nearby room and didn’t have to see the campy video that accompanied this jingle.
6:45 p.m.
• Well this day started out innocently enough. Then I found out that I know a person who knows the person that was the subject of the following story.
Minutes after learning of this, I get a call from the better half telling me her one uncle died. We didn’t know the person that well – I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before, but it was odd to have those two things hit me at once. Not that either one affect me in the slightest, but oh well.
