• A few years back I remember a bunch of liberals goofing on Bill O’Reilly for some adult-themed book he wrote called “Those Who Trespass.” It was naughty and supposedly had sex and violence jam-packed throughout this story. I said “supposedly” because I didn’t read this book and I don’t intend to. Not because I’d be offended by the graphic details but rather because I don’t care. Fast forward a few years to the present day. The battle for Virginia’s Senate seat has heated up when the Republican candidate, George Allen, made some RACIST remark to some guy from the other candidate’s staff. It was some goofy word for monkey, or was it “stupid dark person”? Hell, I don’t know, and once again I don’t care. I also heard that there have been some “questions” of Allen hanging a confederate flag 20 years ago or something. Once again, I don’t care. He may have also said the “n” word, too. Ohs nos.
Well now the tables have turned, or somthing. Turns out Allen’s opponent wrote some goofy books years ago and now these books are being used as political fodder. Haha.
But here’s my favorite part.
So Karl Rove wrote these books that are now being used against Webb. Rove must have gotten into his brain and typed out these passages while Webb was under his influence. And Rove also knew all this would happen years before the 2006 election. My n*gga.
• Below are my results from last week’s NFL pickkks.
Carolina at Cincinnati. Correct.
I knew Carolina would be in this game, even if it resulted in a “L.”
Detroit at N.Y. Jets. Correct.
Looks like my Tigers lose/Lions lose theory is bearing fruit. I may go with it again this week.
Green Bay at Miami. Correct.
Woo-hoo. Three-for-three. Wow is Miami laying a dud this year.
Jacksonville at Houston. Incorrect.
Damn. I couldn’t have been the only one wrong in this one.
New England at Buffalo. Correct.
The Pats are riding high, and the Bills are, well, not.
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
I thought the Eagles would bounce back from last week’s loss at New Orleans. Guess I was wrong.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta. Incorrect.
The local fans are already throwing Troy Polamalu under the bus for not “containing” Vick in overtime and instead going for the big hit, which he missed, and resulted in an Atlanta first down and eventually the game-winning field goal. Leave a brotha alone. I still can’t believe some of the idiot fans here were expecting this team to contend for another Super Bowl. They got a year older. They played a full-postseason (an extra quarter of a season). They lost some key free agents. And they have played a rough schedule. Granted they should have won at Atlanta, but when you go up against Jacksonville, Cincinnati and San Diego, in the regular season you’re not going to win all three of them.
San Diego at Kansas City. Incorrect.
Shit.
Denver at Cleveland. Correct.
Whenever you have a few picks not going your way you can always count on Cleveland to bail you out.
Arizona at Oakland. Incorrect.
First the Cardinals play good enough to lead the Bears after three quarters, and now they lose to this team? Perhaps Arizona is the worst NFL team this year.
Minnesota at Seattle. Correct.
Boy did Seattle get whipped at home. So much for this being a close Seahawk victory.
Washington at Indianapolis. Incorrect.
I at least thought the Redskins would show up for this one and keep the contest within single digits.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas. Correct.
The fans wanted Tony Romo. They got Tony Romo.
This week’s record: 7-6. Cumulative record: 47-53.
Why is it so much easier to lose ground rather than to make up ground?
6:30 p.m.
• So I get a call from the better half today.
“Someone hit the car.”
“You OK?”
“Yes.”
“Any damage?”
“There’s a dent by the front wheel side.”
“What happened.”
“Someone backed into me in this parking lot, etc. (Long story short: It was all his fault.)”
“Did you get his information?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. It didn’t look bad.”
Christ. So if there was some damage done, however unlikely it may be, we’re fucked. Yippie. Considering Mrs. kkk had this car near-totaled back in '03 due to some bitch gabbing on a cell phone ramming into her just months after she bought the vehicle new you'd think she'd be more vigilant about dealing with idiot drivers. Guess not.
10:15 p.m.
• Oh for fuck's sake. I hate these people.
OK, I'll side with them on this one issue. Having the "silence" at the start of third period is stupid. My school had it during homeroom before classes started right after the Pledge of Allegiance.
Ha. "Changed jsut a single word," that's a pretty big change.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only thing I hate more than a Bible-thumper are these fags who get their panties in a knot over stupid shit like this. "Awkward position"? Here's how it was done at my school:
Homeroom bell rings.
Stand and do the Pledge. Something I once created a stink about. Yeah, I'm a terrorist.
The announcer guy says "Please remain standing for a short moment of silence."
*several seconds pass*
"Please be seated."
OMG THE RELIGIOUS REICH IS TAKING OVER~!
N*gga plz. During this brief moment of silence I was either nodding off because it was too early in the morning to think or I was looking at some nearby chick’s rack or backside. I’m sure there were other students that actually used this time to pray or say “what up” to their Deity of choice. Big fucking deal. Get over yourselves.
8:45 p.m.
• So today was the better half big “pizza open house” or whatever brown-nosing stunt her boss was trying to accomplish at work today. Now Mrs. kkk told me that a whole bunch of academic assholes showed up and began talking about how the U.S. tortures innocent people, starves children and all that other left-wing shit those with no experience in the real world chat about. On a side note, the better half’s co-worker asked her why I wasn’t at this event on my day off from work. Mrs. kkk’s response: If he was here he wouldn’t be asked back. Awesome. Oddly enough, if I’m at an event that’s not an informal get-together between people I know, I generally keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to ruin a host’s brouhaha. However, there are times when I will open my mouth, and this might have been one of those times. Actually, I want to meet the wife’s boss and hope she spews some of this commie shit with me because I’ll throw right back at her. What I love about pissing someone off regarding this sort of thing is that I really don’t care what their opinion is. Seriously. So what if someone you’re talking to doesn’t like the person you voted for in the last election. If you get legitimately mad over a person’s thoughts it that means you on some level take to heart what they think. That’s pathetic.
One pseudo-example of this experiences over the years has been when the topic of abortion is brought up. I mean, just because you say “murder the unborn” people get all bent out of shape. Uh, am I advocating the halting of sucking potential Social Security contributors from wombs and dumping them in the trash? No. I am simply calling a spade a spade. But yet I’ve had people go WOMEN’S REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS GWARRRR~! Yay. Here’s the point: I don’t CARE what you think. You want to advocate the killing of innocent babies – knock yourself out. What you think doesn’t matter to me. I’m more concerned about effectively wiping my browneye after taking a shit than your opinion on abortion or any other subject.
Where was I going with this? Oh, that mixer. So Mrs. kkk then made my week by telling my that her Ph.D. boss fucked up making a SALAD for this “open house.” She asked me to guess how she was able to achieve this remarkable feat. My first guess was not getting enough salad. Wrong. Mrs. kkk then said that she made it last night, and that’s when I responded “Good God she didn’t put the salad dressing on then, did she?” Yep.
How the fuck does this person make six figures? I think a great reality show would be to get a bunch of academics and for them to survive in the real world. “I’ve worked for the private sector – they expect results.”
Oh, I forgot to mention some other topics that were discussed at this workplace gathering by these Ph.D.’s was how religion was the cause of addiction and that we should live in a society where there’s no mores or rules. This was around the time Mrs. kkk left the room and went back into her office. This also would have been the time I probably would have opened my mouth, which would have resulted in mass exodus 5-10 minutes later.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 49: Mole
Some people think he’s an idiot, among other things, but he’s OK in my book. It’s strange, though, because I generally despise the “college lifestyle” and believe most people who engage in it need to be taken out to an alley and shot. However, even with Mole’s stories of college hijinks, I consider him an exception to this rule I have regarding those out of high school but not yet in the real world. I don’t know why this is – perhaps because, except for a more-than-manageable school loan, I no longer have my wallet in the meat-grinder that is academia. Also, since he’s now paying for part of the TSM bill, I can rest assured that even if he has a medical condition he’ll put more serious things, such as DVD collections and our Internet message-boarding experience, over his own personal welfare.
And now a word or five from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Black Lushus:
From EricMM:
From Carnival:
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• Well today was fun. I took today and Friday off from work, as did the better half, and after sleeping in until 10 a.m. we headed out to some farm to get this year’s pumpkins for the Halloween season. Mrs. kkk always gets one pumpkin for every cat we own, which means we’ll be wasting money on three of them, much like we have each of the last six years. Well, that just means more seeds for me to eat after all the guts are taken out of each pumpkin. I have no idea why the better half likes getting pumpkins at this place, which is called Schramm’s Market, but whatever; I’m just along for the ride.
When we pulled into Schramm’s, the thought of romping about in a pumpkin patch wasn’t too appealing to me, considering I’m in the final stages of getting over my first cold of the season. But then when we pulled in and I saw all the political signs that these people had on their property endorsing the Party of Liberty, Freedom and the oppression of minorities, women and the poor, I took solace in knowing that today’s pumpkin purchases were going to a good cause.
But this isn’t where the story ends. We made a few other stops today, and one of them was to a shopping center with a grocery store (Giant Eagle) that is part of the chain I do my shopping at. Since Giant Eagle’s weekly specials start on Thursdays, I decided to stop in and pick up some Pepsi products because this week they are on sale. I went to the grocery store, and Mrs. kkk went to another store to buy candles for the future Jack-o-Lanterns. I got my two 24-packs, one a Diet Pepsi and the other a Diet Mountain Dew (damn you Diet Mountain Dew – this shit is like crack). There was one problem. There was only one Dew in stock, and its side flap was half open. Because there’s no way I’m about to let a discounted Diet Dew slip through my fingers, I carried it sideways, which meant I couldn’t use the top-of-carton handle.
I got to the checkout line and placed the Pepsi case normal side up. I then placed the Dew case on its side so the opening on this pack wouldn’t be a problem. I told the bitchy middle-aged cashier that I had the Dew case on its side due to its one flap being half-way opened; I even pointed to this flap and showed her the opening. She looked at me as if I was some retard who forgot to put on his bicycle helmet. Seconds later she grabbed the Dew cube and set it up straight. At that moment the partial opening turned into a full chasm and about a dozen cans came crashing out. I took a step back and clapped my hands as she spent the next minute or two rounding up all the cans that were scattered over her workstation. I get that customers are stupid – I’ve even dealt with at least a few hundred of them during my cashier days – but not all of us are out to make your job a living hell, bitch. If I really wanted to be a prick, I would have opened a can or two that rolled around just to mess up her counter, but I’m not wasting a single drop of this yellow carbonated goodness on someone who looks like life is already doing a perfectly good job of pissing all over her.
The drive home was uneventful, although I got a laugh from of the one sign I read on some local business’ marquee: “Liberalism is a Mental Disorder. Vote Republican.” Awesome. Someone listens to Savage. Oh, and there was this other sign at a local eatery that read, “Last Diner Before the Turnpike.” (A toll road, for those scoring at home.) A few miles later there was this redneck bar with the following on its marquee, “Last Beer Before the Turnpike.” Sometimes this region amazes even me.
A Target recently opened next to my grocery store of choice, and the better half and I stop in there once a month or so to pick up her prescription that makes sure kkk jr.’s don't make their way into this world. Before heading over to the pharmacy, she stopped at a Starbucks mini-store inside this place. Seeing how it takes 10 minutes for these people to make one cup of anything, I plopped down on a nearby chair and stared off into space. This Target cashier chick who was sitting at a table next to mine had to have been on her break and was playing with her cell phone. She then began telling the chick making Mrs. kkk’s coffee about some new feature on this phone. Afterward, she started talking about how she needs to get pumpkin pie filling and evaporated milk before she leaves work today because tomorrow she doesn’t work or have to go to school and she is going to spend all day making pumpkin pies with her mom because this is the only time they’ll be able to do such a thing because she has to either work or go to school each day for the rest of the week and possibly next week and that she hasn’t made pumpkin pie or baked anything for the longest time and that she already has one can of pumpkin pie filling that has been on her mom’s counter for like TWO WEEKS and that she just hasn’t had time to bake and tomorrow is the only time for the rest of the week and possibly the next week that she’ll have to spend this quality time with her mom like she used to back when she didn’t have so many responsibilities and she hasn’t baked or had a slice of pumpkin pie in such a long time…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Oh for fuck’s sake someone load up a gun and put me out of my misery. Normally I can tolerate stupid co-worker banter, but not when it’s as retarded as this. At least when I had conversations with my fellow cashiers, I talked about stuff worth listening to. One line that really drew the ire of some old bitch back in the Quickie Mart days took place during that whole Susan Smith story – you know, that woman who drove her kids into a lake and then later said she was carjacked by some black guy. Anyway, this was during the time her scumbag defense team was trying to defend her using some bullshit excuse (probably molestation; I can’t remember what it was) and I said to my fellow cashier, “You know, why is it whenever a mom kills her kids these psychology experts want us to understand why she did it and how we’re supposed to show sympathy and understanding, but yet whenever there’s the slightest mention of a deadbeat dad in the media you have to beat these same feminazis back with a stick?” Although that aforementioned woman who I didn’t see standing in one of the snack aisles wasn’t amused by this remark, the guy at the coffee machines found it funny as hell – and if I can’t make at least half of my customers walk out of the store feeling better than when they did coming in, then what good am I?
Back to Target. After I had enough of this gab, I started talking out loud to Mrs. kkk at the same volume this chick had been talking to the Starbucks cashier. Honey, are we getting our pumpkins for Halloween tonight from Giant Eagle or tomorrow and if we are then when are you going to carve them and if you do are you going to roast the pumpkin seeds like you do every year and if you do are you going to bake them in multiple flavors like you did last year I really liked the cinnamon ones you tried although the garlic ones were a bit too strong but you can’t beat the ones with just plain old salt hey if you do carve out the pumpkins this year what designs are you planning on I really liked the one of the haunted house you did last year by the way are you still using the same book of design ideas or did you get a new one this year I can’t remember hey are you going to make more of those cinnamon pumpkin seeds because I really liked them last year and are you going to use candles or some other source of lighting…
It was about this time when Mrs. kkk paid for her coffee and told me to get the hell up. Well at least I didn’t have to hear about any more fucking pumpkin pie filling.
And when grocery shopping finally commenced, we were in the foreign food aisle, which is just a fancy way of selling you overpriced crap. As the better half looked at a bottle of Chinese (yeah, right) orange glaze, she asked, “If you pour this over some meat, do you think you could make “Orange Beef”? At least the comment I made afterward didn’t result in the smack I received being one that caused any bruising. At least not yet.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 6: Black Lushus
He’s black and he’s got mad hoes. Or at least that’s what his member title once said. Actually, Mr. Lushus is from Nebraska, has legitimate children and works a full-time job, so what little street cred he had is long gone. Hell, he’s completely sold out by becoming a message board administrator over at the other place; instead of being oppressed, he’s become The Man holding others down. Then again, I guess you could claim pimpage or something if you really wanted. With all that said, there are two things that would (and should) put Black in anyone’s Top XX list. 1) Three certain words. 2) He befriended a fellow poster in real life and has allowed his young daughter around said poster. Who is this person -- someone in his 30s with a steady job and family of his own?
Not quite.
9 p.m.
• I was Googling, came across this and laughed.
8 p.m.
• So I heard this morning that the Steelers busted out their ALL-TIME TEAM or whatever it’s being called. It’s the franchise’s 75th anniversary, so naturally they’re doing gay stuff like this all season long. Time to guess who made it to this squad.
Quarterback: Terry Bradshaw.
Running Back: Jerome Bettis.
Fullback: Franco Harris.
Tight End: Trick question – the Steelers, until recently, never used them. I guess Bennie Cunningham since he never got to do anything but block while he played.
Wide Receivers: Lynn Swann, John Stallworth, Hines Ward.
Tackles: No clue.
Guards: Alan Faneca. That’s all I got.
Center: Mike Webster.
Defensive Ends: No clue. Was L.C. Greenwood a tackle or end?
Defensive Tackles: Joe Greene, Casey Hampton.
Outside Linebackers: Jack Ham, Greg Lloyd.
Middle Linebacker: Jack Lambert.
Cornerbacks: Mel Blount, Rod Woodson.
Free Safety: No clue.
Strong Safety: No clue. My guess is Donnie Shell, although I have a feeling Troy Pala-whatever will be named.
Kicker: Gary Anderson.
Punter: No clue. I’ll say Josh Miller.
Yeah, I know I named people from the 1970s, 90s and 00s – sue me. The Steelers were terrible until the ‘70s. Time to see the actual squad.
OFFENSE
Terry Bradshaw - Quarterback (1970-83).
I still find it funny that even after winning two Super Bowls, he was benched in favor of a crackhead.
Jerome Bettis - Running Back (1996-05).
Rocky Bleier - Running Back (1968, 1970-80).
OK, so they went with three “running backs.” They have to give Rocky a break since his ex-wife beat him down in the court hearings.
Franco Harris - Running Back (1972-83).
If memory serves, I thought Franco played in the fullback position. Eh, whatever.
Bennie Cunningham - Tight End (1976-85).
Elbie Nickel - Tight End (1947-57).
No clue.
John Stallworth - Wide Receiver (1974-87).
Lynn Swann - Wide Receiver (1974-82).
Hines Ward - Wide Receiver (1998-Present).
Larry Brown – Offensive Tackle (1971-84).
I forgot about this guy. Shit.
Dermontti Dawson – Center (1988-00).
I love Dawson, but I only did one player per position. The least the Steelers can do is put Mike Webster on the list since he took roids and shortened his life so black and gold fans could feel good and stuff. Wait, he took drugs as a choice. Oh well.
Alan Faneca – Guard (1998-Present).
Tunch Ilkin – Offensive Tackle (1980-92).
Interesting. I liked Tunch’s local radio show when it was on. Didn’t realize he was that good.
Jon Kolb – Offensive Tackle (1969-81).
Heard the name. That’s all I got.
Mike Webster – Center (1974-88).
DEFENSE
Joe Greene – Defensive Tackle (1969-81)
L.C. Greenwood – Defensive End (1969-81)
Ha. He was an end.
Casey Hampton – Nose Tackle (2001-Present)
Ernie Stautner – Defensive Tackle (1950-63)
Dunno.
Dwight White – Defensive End (1971-80)
OK. If they say so.
Jack Ham – Outside Linebacker (1971-82)
Jack Lambert – Middle Linebacker (1974-84)
Greg Lloyd – Outside Linebacker (1988-97)
Joey Porter – Outside Linebacker (1999-2006)
Cool. Joey got on the list.
Andy Russell – Outside Linebacker (1963, 1966-76)
I’d have him on the list if I was going with multiple players at a single position.
Mel Blount – Cornerback (1970-83)
Jack Butler – Defensive Back (1951-59)
Que?
Carnell Lake – Safety (1989-98)
Didn’t realize he was an “all-timer.”
Troy Polamalu – Safety (2003-Present)
Come on, guys. He’s only played a few seasons.
Donnie Shell – Safety (1974-87)
Rod Woodson – Cornerback (1987-96)
SPECIALISTS
Gary Anderson – Kicker (1982-94)
Bobby Walden – Punter (1968-77)
Derp.
Boo. The Steelers took the Jew route and put multiple people in certain positions.
4 p.m.
• So yesterday I talked about Mrs. kkk’s workplace a bit. Basically, she works in a study about crazy people, and the topic is stupid as hell. It’s something like trying to see if women drug addicts have more risky sex than those that don’t. Whatever. The pay is hella good, and the study will last several more years. After that, the better half can ride her boss’s teet for the next study she starts up, then the study after that. Now her boss has a Ph.D. and is still on the young side of things (40s, I think), so this will be a nice gravy train for years to come. Then again, being a Ph.D. and employed through a university, this doesn’t mean Mrs. kkk’s boss is well adjusted. For instance, she’s arranging an open house in the near future that is nothing more than a suck-up-fest for her boss and other people making more than her six-figure salary. So what did Mrs. kkk and her fellow co-worker on this study have to do today? Have a pre-planning pizza party meeting. Jesus Christ.
Oh, and on my side of things, my work monitor that’s more than 10 years old finally died. Time to go to the hippie Mac store and get a new one. Of course, the last time I was at this place I first had to get a price quote for all the shit I was to get (a new work computer and updated software), have someone from work write out a check and then go to the store and purchase the shit. Of course, the problem with this was that the dollar amount was too high and the check wasn’t accepted. I then just put everything on my credit card and got reimbursed for it, which is what I wanted to do all along because that would make the process easier. Thank God I was able to do that again this year. And thank God I was able to find a somewhat decent parking space. Christ is this part of Shittsburgh a left-wing hell hole; talk about being a pilgrim in an unholy land. Oh, yeah. I also suck at parallel parking. I think that’s a big reason many people live in the suburbs – to simply pull into a driveway/garage.
I generally send any FWD’s that end up in my mailbox straight to the trash. However, whenever there’s some stupid test/survey/etc. I sometimes complete it just for shits and giggles. This one showed up in my inbox today.
Yay. Without further ado, here we go.
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night
Well, I used to be a night owl during my college days, but now that I wake up at 5 a.m. I must say that the early evening is when I shine.
You usually walk…
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly
I’m six-foot so I have to go with long steps. I also generally walk faster than most.
3. When talking to people you…
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
Now that I think about it, I have to say that for some reason I tend to touch/rub my chin a lot.
4. When relaxing, you sit with…
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
I sometimes do the one leg curled thing if I’m fiddling with the home computer, but generally my legs are stretched out.
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
Chuckle, mostly because something has to be really funny to get a laugh out of me. What is it that makes me laugh? Well, there's the handicapped...
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
I’m so a “look around and cling to a familiar face” person at these kind of events.
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
Due to the limited choices I have to say it varies. I normally don’t mind, but I don’t “welcome” the interruption. One of my philosophies is try not to get annoyed at these instances because one day I’ll be the interrupter and wouldn’t want someone to get pissy over me asking them a quick question about something or other.
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) Black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
When I was a kid, it was red. As I got older it was dark blue. Now it’s black. I don’t know why.
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
This is a routine I do often. I start out stretched on my back. I then do the head on one arm until the only thing on me that falls asleep is that particular limb. I then stretch out face down on my stomach before finally ending up on my left side, slightly curled.
10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
Other than that “Grudge” incident, I can’t recall a dream I’ve had in at least the past six months.
Well, that was it. After adding up the points each of my specific answers had, I was placed in the following category.
Well, this just proves something I’ve known for quite some time.
Dr. Phil is an idiot.
8 p.m.
• For those that don’t know, I’m taking part in Bored’s college football contest over in the sports thread. Seeing how I know jack shit about college football, I just read over his weekly list of games to pick from and just shoot off the first school that comes to my head from each match-up. This week in my batch of PM’d picks, I had the following:
Commissioning an Internet pick ‘em contest ain’t easy, folks.
• Gee, and here I thought that’s what sick days are for.
Actually, the EAN spokesperson has a point. It’s funny how white-collar jobs oftentimes have sick days, vacation days and holidays-with-pay, but some poor big-box retail clerk or fast-food worker will get shit on for calling off sick. I remember during my Burger King days I was getting ready to relax and watch an afternoon of NBA games when my one manager called and asked me to come into work. Now seeing how I closed Friday and Saturday nights, leaving at around 2 a.m. each time, I didn’t feel like coming in. Besides, that’s what happens when you people hire undependable people and they (gasp!) don’t bother to show up. Well, after I said “no thank you” I heard through the grapevine that the manager bitched about my refusal to come in afterward. Fun times.
While I’m sorta on this subject, the better half’s ex-boss bitched at her for calling off work the day after the Steelers won Super Bowl XL. She stayed up to watch the game with me and decided to use one of her numerous sick/vacation days, especially since there was no work for her planned that particular Monday anyway. Of course, this is the same boss who only worked an hour or two the day of the Steelers victory parade and left to attend that event. Then again, this bitch made Mrs. kkk’s life a living hell, but I guess in the end it all worked out because although the better half now has another crazy boss her situation is not nearly as bad as the previous workplace. (Oh but there are stories.)
6 p.m.
• So my little part of the country has been in the news as of late. The latest DRAMAH~! Is an out-of-state chick that claimed some black guy robbed her and carved a “B” on her face after seeing her car’s McCain bumper sticker.
This just didn’t seem right from the start. Don’t believe me? Check the other place.
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And in response to a Jobber of the Week post:
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On top of my “rape”comment, said black-dark-skinned man carved a LETTER into her cheek. A letter. Trust me, the government schools in the Shittsburgh region aren’t that effective. And one would have to assume the perp would be able to READ the words "McCain" and "Palin."
However, what I REALLY got a kick of was this shithead who said his voters are RACIST~!
Oh please let this be the year you finally lose. Murtha is like our region’s own Robert Byrd in terms of creating his own little economy with DC money.
• Hey, who says the BUSH ECONOMY is all bad?
The fuck -- Illegals come and go from the U.S. for CHRISTMAS?! I'm surprised there's nothing in this article about Pedro not being able to buy presents for his 12 kids.
Most of the time I can’t stand the media, but I don’t know which is worse: national or local press. You’ve got the national media that never leaves their news offices in New York City or Washington, D.C., and thinks that anyone who doesn’t live in these two regions is in flyover country. Then again, you’ve got the other side of the coin with local media and the stupid stories that appear at roughly the same every year. On the commute home this afternoon I was listening to a local top-of-the-hour newscast, and one of the top stories was about people in the southwestern Pennsylvania area seeing the first snowflakes of the season. Christ almighty, these so-called reporters were even asking these people what the snowflakes looked like. They looked like snow you assholes. But this isn’t as bad as whenever the price of gasoline rises and these on-the-scene reporters ask people filling up their SUVs how they feel about the sudden jump in gas prices. What the fuck do you expect to get? “You know, I was thinking just the other day that I wasn’t paying enough for my 93 Premium.” Of course you’re going to get a bunch of nimrods going, “RAAAAR I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE RAAAAR!” Another favorite “story” is whenever the local cable company raises rates and the newscasters act like this is some breaking story. “OMG HOLD ON TO YOUR WALLETS CABLE PRICES ARE GOING UP BY 10 PERCENT!!” Christ, it’s only a few dollars; it’s not that big a deal, and if it is then your household has other problems and shouldn’t even be ordering cable in the first place. Put down the food stamps and use your cable money for something else.
Whenever I was in college, a similar event took place every spring when the cost of tuition for the next school year would increase. Yeah, like this ever came as a surprise; the real story would be if tuition went DOWN for one year. This reminds me of a story back during my school newspaper days when there was this announced tuition increase that also included another provision that basically eliminated subsidies for students who were not commuter students but didn’t live in the dorms. Basically these freeloaders were taking financial aid just for living in apartments in the city, but with the shitty dorms in the college I attended for two-and-a-half years who could blame any of these kids? Then again, with the school’s dorms always only one-half to three-fourths full, why should this college be giving money to students to live elsewhere? Shit, after I stopped to read what this new policy was, I actually gained a little bit of respect for the college’s administration for cutting off the moochers. Shit, the dorm vacancies were so bad our college was accepting students from the area’s one culinary school to live in the dorms. It was funny seeing these poor students, who would spend all day in hell’s kitchen, bitch to one another about having to go back into their stuffy, dilapidated dorm rooms. Well anyway, our school paper did an article about this new policy, which was basically a re-write of an article some real reporter in a real newspaper room wrote the week before. Of course, when it came time to write our newspaper’s editorial on the matter, it was funny to see the reaction some of our profs had when our opinion didn’t favor the students. I think part of our anti-student opinion stemmed from the fact most of us who wrote the piece were commuter students and didn’t give a fuck about some freeloader getting a subsidy to live away from the dorms when there was more than enough space for them to get their ass in one of these rooms. Hey, that’s part of that whole “college experience” I missed out on because I lived with mommy and worked 40+ hours per week.
...
Where the hell was I going with this?
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 7: Vern Gagne
When trying to think of a significant moment or two from Mr. Gagne, I can’t come up with anything. Much like sfaJack, Vern has always been one of those posters who have been just “there.” That’s not a bad thing mind you. He hates his commie state. Man, he started that thread when I was in Ohio.
Jesus Christ, was this a long time ago. Duh-Whine? Voinobitch? Ha, he said “Paul Welfare.” Those were the days. Speaking of “the days,” I take back what I said about Vern with my first sentence. How the hell did I forget this blast from the past. But why is Vern ranked so high up? Because he's the Conservative Brigade member who loads the ammo inside the tank.
8:15 p.m.
• I forgot that Foxy Brown was in jail. Wow, she's hardcore.
She's on a few songs as a guest vocalist for some of the albums in my collection, but I never cared for her. How did she get into jail again?
Going to Rikers for that? Oh well, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
6:15 p.m.
• Got this from the other place. Don't you know that not killing enough Muslims to keep gravediggers employed is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male..
The Bush economy strikes again. Boy, this really is a global economy.
• I don't go to casinos because I have better ways to flush my money down the toilet, but what exactly is a Players Club card? I ask because a homeless man has one.
• Before I get on with my NFL pickkks this week, what the hell is up with fast-food customers allegedly finding human body parts in their food? A year or so ago there was that infamous finger-in-the-chili incident at Wendy’s which turned out to be nothing more than a scam. Now there are allegations of a Subway in California selling finger foods.
• Seventh verse same as the first.
Carolina at Cincinnati (3.5)
Cincinnati lost last week at Tampa Bay, got whipped at home against New England a few weeks back. Carolina seems to win a lot on the road, so I’ll take the Panthers in this one.
Detroit at N.Y. Jets (3.5)
The Lions won their game for the season, and now it’s back to losing. Besides, Detroit’s baseball team lost Game 1 of the World Series last night, so the bad mojo will carry over to the Lions.
Green Bay at Miami (4.5)
Miami is favored? By four-and-a-half points? I have to pick the Packers.
(9.5) Jacksonville at Houston
Nine-and-a-half points is a bunch, but I’ll side with the Jags on this one.
(5.5) New England at Buffalo
Buffalo played the Pats tough earlier this season, but New England has been playing well as of late and the Bills have struggled as of late.
(5.5) Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
Will the Eagles lose two games in a row to the NFC South? Will the Buccaneers win two games in a row? I’ll take the first option.
(2.5) Pittsburgh at Atlanta
Mark Madden has predicted an easy Steelers win, and if Mark is taking the Steelers for the win that’s saying something.
(5.5) San Diego at Kansas City
This Chiefs got whopped last week, but now they’re playing at home against a divisional foe. I’ll still go with the Chargers nevertheless.
(5.5) Denver at Cleveland
The Broncos couldn’t cover the spread against the Raiders, but could that have been in part to Oakland being in the same division as Denver? I’ll say sure and take Denver.
(3.5) Arizona at Oakland
Talk about clash of the titans – and Vince Young is nowhere to be seen. I’ll say this about the NFL: when games match up two good teams the games are very very good, but when the match ups are with bad teams the games are horrid. Leinart played well enough Monday night against the Bears to beat the Raiders.
Minnesota at Seattle (7.5)
The Seahawks haven’t been playing as well without Shaun Alexander in the starting lineup, but they are playing at home. I think Seattle will win, but it will be close.
Washington at Indianapolis (9.5)
Will the Colts sleepwalk through this contest? I don’t know. I’ll take Washington, although I hope they snap out of their recent funk.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas (3.5)
Dallas has played well against the Hostons and Tennessees of the league, but how about the better teams? I’ll take New York and hope they don’t do a repeat of their stinker of a game up in Seattle earlier this season.
Holy cow that's a lot of road teams. No wonder I'm terrible at this.
10 p.m.
• I haven't seen "Casino Royale" yet, but did this really happen? If so, I hope he also wore a seat belt whenever he was in a car.
7:30 p.m.
• So this past weekend the brother-in-law had some Halloween trail set up in the woods behind his house for his kids and a number of their friends, and I was one of the people that did stuff to scare the kids. No, I didn’t tell them about the story of my life. I hid in some trees and threw these ghosts disguised as plastic bags with stuff in them. Of course the one ghosts no-sold my attempt at releasing it, but the other one that swung at an angle hit some kid in the head and had him screaming like a girl. Good. This kid has been over my brother-in-law’s house during his son’s birthday parties and stuff, and he’s a little spazz. Of course, I had no idea it was him that I hit. My instructions were to aim for the center of the herd. Then again, it wasn't as bad as the chainsaw guy not being able to start up his weapon of choice, but that's what happens when there's more empty bottles of beer out along the trail than there are actual people. Despite all these glitches, this first-ever jaunt was a success. Too bad in a few years these kids will be out back in the wilderness screwing rather than bobbing for apples. They grow up so fast.
Afterward, when all the kids left, a group of us gathered around the kitchen table and stuffed ourselves with all sorts of sugary shit. Among the plates of gummy worm chocolate cake, several kinds of puddings, chips, nachos and other junk food, there was a huge bowl of candy with real bars of Crunches and Hershey bars. Being in the mood for a Kit-Kat, I took one and ate it. On the way home the following conversation was had. Figure out who is who.
Seriously, who starts collecting candy in the middle of October and puts it as part of their Halloween stash? And these weren’t those gay “fun bars.” These were full-fledged regular-sized candy bars. And there was a HUGE bowl full of them. Christ, their teeth will be falling out if they ate all that shit. I remember one year I kept my candy supply until the new year. Not sure why. I guess maybe to prove to myself I could. *Shrug.*
11:30 p.m.
• After a bye in which I rested my tweaked hamstring, it’s onto this week's pickkks.
Arizona @ Washington (8.5)
Now Warner is hurt. Ouch. There are some franchises that seem to get all the bad breaks, and Arizona seems like one for me. However, they are also one of the worst franchises in any league, so oh well.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (8.5)
OK, the Saints had a great game last week. Will the turnaround begin here? I don’t know, but I’ll take my chances.
(3.5) Baltimore @ Buffalo
The Bills HAVE to win some time. Bah, the Ravens will win by 30.
Minnesota @ Dallas (9.5)
Well, the Vikings aren’t the Patriots. I’ll give the Cowboys a pass and hope they keep on beating teams they’re supposed to beat buy bunches of points.
(17.5) New England @ Miami
I’ve gone with the Pats this year, but oh what the hell. The Dolpins will lose by just TWO TOUCHDOWNS.
San Francisco @ N.Y. Giants (9.5)
The Giants will win, but hopefully the 49ers will try to make this a contest.
Tampa Bay @ Detroit (2.5)
Buccaneers have been doing better than I thought. The Lions are the Lions.
(1.5) Tennessee @ Houston
Hmmm, I don’t know if Vince Young will be playing this week. I wish I would pay more attention to what goes on during the week. I’m sure this won’t be decided by 1 point, so I’ll treat this as a straight up/down contest, and I’ll go with the Titans.
Kansas City @ Oakland (2.5)
Raiders have already won their quota of games for the year. I’ll hope Larry Johnson decides to show up.
N.Y. Jets @ Cincinnati (6.5)
Both teams don’t do anything for me, but I expected the Bengals to be better. For that reason, I’ll go with the Jets.
Chicago @ Philadelphia (5.5)
I have no clue how the Eagles offense will do against a Bears defense that was supposed to be good. I also have no clue if Westbrook is gong to play. I have no clue.
St. Louis @ Seattle (9.5)
The Seahawks will make the playoffs because they get to play games like this. Then again, this will probably be the week the Rams decide to be competitive.
(3.5) Pittsburgh @ Denver
I’m not sure if the Steelers will repeat their success in Denver, but I’ll go with this spread. Steelers will score 27.
(3.5) Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Indy will probably win, but the Jags always play them tough. I think.
Well today was fun. Like I said yesterday, I am dealing with a cold. It’s nothing major – just a 100-101 fever – but when you’re going into work for nine hours, it feels much worse. On the bright side of things, I was the only one in the building today. After I coughed on a few keyboards and licked several computer screens that belonged to my co-workers, I went about doing the job thing. That was at 11 a.m. Fast forward to 8:15 p.m. I did what I wanted to do. Got to pimp in my sweatpants, scratch the stubble on my unshaven face and listen to music that is normally inappropriate for the workplace. So far so good. Then I started the commute home.
My usual workday schedule is 6:30 a.m. – 3 p.m., and this is because most days I am able to avoid rush-hour traffic. Sure there can be some minor backups, but nothing like the way it is at 9 a.m. or 5 p.m. Normally it would only take me 45 minutes one way during a normal workday, but since the better half and I carpool this extended trip usually eats up another 15 minutes. No biggie. After all, we’re saving on gas, parking (Mrs. kkk would otherwise have to park in the city with one of the highest, if not the highest, parking tax in the country) and general wear and tear on two automobiles; seeing how one of our cars is an ’88 Corsica with 140,000+ miles, let’s just say that “Crappy the White Car” (what my 9-year-old nephew-in-law calls our secondary vehicle) has survived well past his normal expiration date. Now one of the plusses of working weekends is that there is virtually no traffic and I oftentimes can get to work in just 30 minutes on these special occasions.
I think you know where I’m going with this here entry.
I got into the car and started my journey home. The first leg of my commute went fine. I got on and off the Parkway West and headed onto the second leg of the trip, which is the Parkway East. Now if traffic is REALLY backed up on this disaster of a road, I am able to get off at a Shittsburgh exit, drive through the city and end up on Rt. 30, which is the final major road on my adventure home. Sure it takes a little longer, but it’s still more efficient than sitting in gridlock on this interstate highway. Well tonight, right after I passed this exit, which is like my “last chance stop” from taking the Parkway East I saw all those rear red lights.
Oh, fuck.
Whenever I run into gridlock I sometimes like to look at the clock and time how much time I spent in the traffic jam. The time was 8:23 p.m. As I sat in this traffic I began wondering what was going on: Was there an accident? Did some major social event just conclude? Wait a second, this is Shittsburgh. OK, where is the accident? As I took out “The History of the Clash, Disc 2” from the CD player I suddenly had the local RIGHT-WING RADIO station on, and there was a live broadcast of the Shitt v. Rutgers college football game. Christ, I forgot that this game was an evening contest. Wait a second, it was early in the fourth quarter and Pitt was driving for a touchdown; no way this traffic from that game. And there go two police cars with their lights on. SHIT! A few miles pass and still now sign of an accident. Hell, I don’t even see the flashing lights in the distance. I was hoping the accident took place at a merge point that’s right next to the Squirrel Hill Tunnels. I can pass the scene, view the carnage and shoot through the tunnels. I used to not look at accident scenes, but now I figure if I have to be stuck in traffic for an unspecified period of time then I get a free glance at what was delaying my ride home. Uh-oh. The yellow caution lights are flashing right before the tunnels, and there is still no accident, or flashing lights, in sight.
It is now 8:50 p.m. and I’m in the middle of tunnels. Oh please don’t let a car in front of me break down. You know what pisses me off about automobile accidents? You don’t know who to get pissed off at. In most accidents there’s usually an asshole that caused the accident and then the victim that has his or her car totaled. I’m not going to blame that person, but I so want to throw a piece of chewing gum at or give the middle finger to the NASCAR driver wanna-be who thought a two lane road was actually the Talageda Speedway. I think there should be a law that if you recklessly drive and cause an accident, then you owe everyone who was stuck in your mess a full tank of gasoline. Well I’m now out of the tunnels, and my greatest fear was revealed. The flashing lights are another mile or two down the road at this other exit that has a dangerous merge point. But a funny thing happened on my way to the flashing lights – there was no accident. Or at least there was no accident in view. But I did notice that the Swissvale exit, which is right before that aforementioned merge point, was experiencing a backup of monumental proportions. So there was no accident on the Parkway and the backup I’ve been experiencing for the 40+ minutes was because of this?! You got to be shitting me. Once I got past this exit there was NO TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD. Where the fuck did all these cars that were in front of me wind up going? You know, when you live near a shit-town one of the perks is that there shouldn’t be these kinds of traffic stoppages. Oh, and the Panthers lost. Was there any doubt? You can’t play the freakin’ Citadel every week.
Anyway, once I got off the Parkway it was 9:10 p.m. – my commute home so far has reached 55 minutes, and I still had to go onto Rt. 30. Who knows what excitement lurks here? Surprisingly, this leg of my trip wasn’t too bad. However, that was because I was mostly in the left-hand lane for the whole time. There’s this one stretch of road that for some reason cars just break down at, and this is not a good spot to break down. Now it’s dark out and the speed limit is 45 mph, which means most everyone is going at least 15 mph above that. I noticed the broken down car in the righ-hand lane, and then I noticed a car behind me swerving into the left lane to avoid it, almost hitting another vehicle in the process. And the best part was there were no flares. Nobody trying to warn other motorists. Just a car with blinking lights. I thanked my lucky stars I was leaving this soon-to-be accident scene. Oddly enough, a few miles down the road I saw a police car and ambulance speed by me going toward where that broken-down car was located.
I finally got home at 9:30 p.m. What was normally a 40-to-45-minute drive at this time of night took twice as long to complete. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to get off at that Swissvale exit. I'm still pondering whether to return to the office tomorrow. At least the Steelers are playing at Atlanta Sunday.
• Oh today has been a fun one. For starters, the better half has been sick the last few days, which of course means it’s my turn to get sick. I was expecting, and I received. Late last night my throat began getting sore, and this morning my voice was kaput. However, since this is a busy time at my job, I still got ready to go to work. Not only am I a trooper, but also I was hoping to infect the rest of the building – I’ll have to wait a week or so to see how successful Operation Spread the Germs turned out. But it only gets better from here. As I was driving to work on a dark, rainy road, I suddenly noticed this rather large truck (think those U-Hauls with $39.99/day painted on the side of them) that began to merge into my lane. It’s always nice to see your life flash before your eyes when a vehicle much larger than yours starts to make its way to the spot you’re currently occupying. Fortunately I slammed on the brakes and swerved out of the way. After laying on the horn for about a minute I wrote this asshole’s license plate down, called his employer after I got in to work and said some not-so-nice things. Then, in a weird twist of fate, I heard the following on my local RIGHT-WING RADIO station:
Wonderful. So maybe next time when I blast on my car's horn in hopes of not getting crushed to death, I'll know that the red diaper doper babies who allowed the blind/deaf/mute driver to control several tons' worth of vehicle made sure he or she wasn't a victim of employer discrimination.
• CNN aired footage of terrorist snipers trying to pick off American troops.
I guess I could ask why the CNN didn’t show, in order to bring to light the “unvarnished truth” about terrorists, Michael Berg’s beheading. I guess I could also ask why CNN, and the rest of the media, no longer show footage of airplanes going into the World Trade Center, or the video of people stuck in the Twin Towers jumping to their deaths. Fine. But now I’ll remind myself that CNN is the same cable news network that wouldn't show those Danish Mohammad cartoons.
• Well, at least there’s one front to the War on Terrorism that’s succeeding.
NBC is ready to cut.
Mercury News announces layoffs.
Inqurer, Daily News layoffs expected.
New York Times quarterly profit falls.
Even in these troubled times, it still pays to see the silver lining around a dark cloud. Courage, Medium-Large Media. Courage.
9:15 p.m.
• Love the dateline, too. If it's his private property and it's not infringing on the rights of others (or any of that home owner's association rigamoroll), he can post whatever the hell he wants, bad speling and all.
Enjoy the free speech while it lasts. Once Osama takes charge I bet this will be the next house to be "foreclosed" upon. Damn Bush economy.
I've actually thought of creating a sign of my own. And, yes, it would involve Osama.
9:30 p.m.
• There are times when you read something and another thought from long ago pops up. That happened with a recent Drudge headline. When I saw this:
I thought back to an old Willie D song with the following verse:
Weird.
7:30 p.m.
• So I was reading Jack's blog and I remembered that the MLB playoffs are coming up. Seeing how I batted a perfect 1.000 last year (not getting a single matchup correct in the first round), I might as well do this again. Because I don't want anyone accusing me of copying Mr. SFA, I stopped reading his entry and decided to do my picks before continuing Notes From Cubicle 348J3-29$43*903=284A9@0sP. Let's see:
NLDS:
Cubs v. Diamondbacks
Fuck, I dunno. I'm kinda rooting for the Cubs just so they can win without Racist Dusty. I'm sure Lou will play a lot of white guys when the weather turns cold. However, I totally screwed up my pre-season prediction of the D-backs, so I'll go with them. On second thought, I want to talk about Steve Bartman later on. How's that you stat freaks? D-backs in 4 Cubs in 5.
Rockies v. Phillies
Both teams played good, and fuck Philadelphia for screwing up my contest with Al Keiper. I might as well jinx these faggots and pick them to move on. Phillies in 3.
NLCS:
Cubs v. Phillies
Great. Two liberal towns. I don't know much about the Daly machine, and Philly gave me Fast Eddie. Kiss my ass Phillies. I heard Chicago is talking about jacking the sales tax up to the highest in the country, but I don't live there so what do I care? Besides, you live in a blue state, you deserve what you get. Wait, I live in Pennsylvania. Sonofabitch. Cubs in 7.
ALDS:
Angels v. Sox
I actually like the Angels, but I heard that roided-up Gary Jr. is hurt. For shame. Hey, I'm actually making a guess based on baseball news. Sox in 3.
Yankees v. Indians
Cleveland. Pfft. Come on A-Rod, hit the goddamn ball in the postseason. I'm one of your biggest supporters, so don't punk out on me. Hell, Barry Bonds played solid when the Giants went to the Big Show earlier this decade. You can do it, too. I'm sure the Indians are the better team, but the East Coast Bias will make sure we get Yanks vs. Sox Part 3498209. Yankees in 4.
ALCS:
New York Yankees v. Boston Red Sox.
I want the Yanks to win just because they get branded with that evil empire shit. Fuck that. George S. wants to win, so let the man spend his money. Hell, if the Pirates got a TV deal like the Yankees have, those Jews will just pocket all the money anyway. I would have went for the Sox to win, but since they broke their hex a few years ago, that would be no fun to pick. I want the Yankees to move on, but if I pick them that would spell certain doom. Then again, I picked them in the first round so they're probably fucked already. No matter. Sox in 6.
WORLD SERIES:
Cubs v. Sox
Just to give the middle finger to Racist Dusty and to let Steve Bartman off the hook, I'll go with the Cubs. Now I get joking around with the "die Bartman" jokes, but if there are any Cubs fans legit mad, then you losers deserve a team that hasn't won shit for God knows how long. The only good thing to come out of this Bartman thing was when some Howard Stern caller got on SportsCenter and punked out the network. Cubs in 6.
Hey, Jack and I picked the same team to win it all. I bet our reasons why are similar, too.
4:30 p.m.
• You know you could just move up there. Yeah, I know, political statement and all.
I've seen some of the women up in Canada. She's got her work cut out for her. Please note that's a compliment for the femmes north of the border.
7 a.m.
• While Smues is talking about technological gizmos to improve his job, let me tell you one gadget that I need on my job: fingers. Fingers to stuff envelopes. Yes, instead of investing in a stuffing machine or outsourcing the labor, every three months my employers give us a big ol’ stack of envelopes to stuff. And of course even though I know these stuffings are coming, I never get told of them until after there’s a stack under my in-box. Why am I talking about this now? Because today was supposed to be an envelope-stuffing day. That is until I discovered THE ENVELOPES WE USE TO STUFF OUR FINANCIAL STATEMENTS IN ARE OUT OF STOCK! Then again, it's possible the person who has to order the envelopes wasn't told of this quarter's great envelope stuffing drive. Once again, I repeat: How does this place manage to stay in business? Then
Who needs the pseudo-experts at this place with their fancy smancy win-share totals and minor-league reports when you've got Al kkkeiper here to give you the hook-up. Here's some baseball stuff that popped into my head in the last hour or so. You've been warned.
• The Houston Astros had a chance to get into the postseason, thanks to a late-season surge up the N.L. Central. They came up short in the last weekend of play, which made me curious as to how many one-run games they lost this year. I looked over their regular-season schedule and at a glance I counted 21. Zoinks. Ah hell, I might as well see how many one-run games the Astros won – 25. So that means they were 25-21 in one-run games. Um, well, they should have won some more. But how did St. Louis do in one-run games? Ah, hell. They were 22-27. Whatever, I’m not deleting all this exhaustive research I’ve conducted just because it makes no sense to my original point.
• Bye Racist Dusty. Perhaps you should go to a team that plays in warmer weather, such as Florida or Arizona. This way you can better utilize your black and Hispanic ballplayers.
• Now there’s talk about Roger Clemens taking naughty drugs. Don’t care. Like I said before, this who era in baseball is roided up, and let the accusations fly. I’m a Clemens fan, but Major League Baseball brought all of this upon itself.
• Ryan Howard for MVP. I don’t know who’s in contention for any of the other awards.
• Yesterday the Pirates played their final game for the 2006 season. Now I could make yet another joke about how this team sucks, but instead I’m going to give props to Freddy Sanchez for winning the N.L. batting title. From what I’ve seen of Freddy he played hard this season, which is amazing considering he had no reason to considering the team he was on. For God's sake the fans were popping wood because the team finished with a winning record for the first time ever at PNC Park; now that’s some high standards there. One thing that did surprise me is that the Pirates have had 25 batting titles, which is the most of any team. I watched the final three outs of Sunday’s 1-0 victory against the Reds, and it was nice to see Sanchez get the props he deserves, especially considering he didn’t get an opportunity to start until May. But enough of talking about this crap; let’s move onto real baseball teams that are still playing.
• I really don’t have a “favorite” baseball team. There are certain players I like, but in regards to actual franchises I’m indifferent to most of them. If you put a gun to my head and forced me to pick a team, I’d probably go with the St. Louis Cardinals – I don’t know why, I just like how that team is run. Whenever the MLB postseason starts up, I’ll pick a team or two and pull for them to win. It’s not big deal if they lose, and if they win I’ll say “yay” and move on with my life. The only exception to this rule is when there’s a team I don’t want to win, such as when Racist Dusty almost lead his Cubs to the 2003 World Series, or when Barry Bonds finally made it to the Fall Classic. I’ve only done this mini-bandwagon thing for a few years, and my track record has been OK. In 2001 I was pulling the Arizona Diamondbacks because I like Curt Schilling and wanted to see him get a championship. Plus I also felt bad for that Asian pitcher who gave up back-to-back game-ending home runs. In 2002 I was rooting for the Anaheim Angles, especially when they faced off against the San Francisco Giants in the World Series. Nothing brought me greater joy that year than seeing Racist Dusty’s brat cry after the Giants lost Game 7. I went with the Florida Marlins in 2003, mostly because they managed to beat Racist Dusty. In 2004 I didn’t want to see the Red Sox win it all because there was nothing more entertaining in sports talk radio than to year Boston fans dejected at their team falling short yet again, but c'est la vie. Last year was pretty much a wash because I didn’t care who won – the White Sox or Astros.
This year is pretty much a repeat of 2005. I don’t know much about any of the teams (as if I ever do), but if I have to pick a team I would probably go with the Yankees. Yeah, the EVIL EMPIRE. I think my main reason for wanting them to win is because I want Alex Rodriguez to win a championship and shut up all the A-Rod haters. Who will win this year? I dunno. The weird thing about the MLB playoffs is that five-game first-round. You could play a grueling 162-game schedule, and in just three games all that blood, sweat and tears will get flushed down the toilet. Then again, a seven-game series can end in as quickly as four games but oh well.
Without further ado, here is my playoff tree as to how I think this postseason will play out. Take this information, do the opposite of what I write and call your bookie.
NL PLAYOFFS:
St. Louis vs. San Diego. These two played last year in the first round, and the Cardinals handedly won. The Cards haven’t been playing well, and I’ll say the Padres will win in four.
Los Angeles vs. New York. The Mets haven’t played a meaningful game in months and have been without the services of Pedro Martinez for just as long. I seem to remember the Dodgers being on several hot and cold streaks this year. Oh what the hell – Dodgers in five.
Los Angeles vs. San Diego. When I was a kid I liked both the Dodgers and the Padres. I followed Los Angeles due to Fernando Valenzuela and because there was an old Mr. Ed episode that guest-starred several old-school Dodgers. Tony Gwynn is one of my all-time favorite players, so that explains my Padre love. Because the wild card teams have a legit shot at reaching the World Series, I’ll say Dodgers in four.
AL PLAYOFFS:
Oakland vs Minnesota. I have no clue who is on the A’s roster other than that Zito hippie and Jason Kendall (he is still there, right?). They never make it out of the first round, so I’ll go with Minnesota in five.
Detroit vs New York. Although my insisting the Tigers were “for real” is what probably led to their late-season collapse, I wasn’t intentionally trying to ruin this team. I always liked Jim Leyland, but I think the Tigers are going to be one of those “Boy we’re sure happy to be here” stories, so I’ll say New York sweeps the series.
Minnesota vs. New York. Small market vs. Big market. David vs. Goliath. Fuck that shit – I’m going with the owner who didn’t want to contract his team. Yankees in five.
WORLD SERIES:
Los Angeles vs. New York. Right. Like these two teams I picked are going to be around at this point – both will probably get swept in the first round. Nevertheless, Yankees in five.
(1.5) Buffalo at Detroit. Correct.
Like I’ve said before, every team has to win at least one game per season, except for maybe the Raiders.
Carolina at Baltimore (3.5). Incorrect.
I should have known better that one little injury to a starter isn’t going to stop the Panthers. Well, unless that person injured is Steve Smith.
(6.5) Cincinnati at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
Wow. Not only did the Bengals fail to cover, but they actually lost the game.
Houston at Dallas (13.5). Correct.
If the Cowboys just played teams from Texas, or teams that used to call the Lonestar State home, they’d be unstoppable. But then again, which team wouldn’t be?
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta (3.5). Correct.
I don’t even remember picking the Giants. While I’m on this subject, Tiki Barber recently announced that this may be his last year playing in the NFL. While I’ve heard many people on ESPN saying, “Noooooo, stay a few more years and you'll be a sure-fire Hall of Famer,” I say good for Tiki. I actually thought this would be the season where his skills plummet and his body breaks down from years of wear and tear. It looks like I’m probably wrong in guessing this was the year Barber crashes and burns, but being a running back in your early 30s usually means it’s time to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure Barber knows his own body better than any of us, and if he wants to go out on top of his game, then I say good for him. Let’s see him and someone like Jerome Bettis or Eddie George 30 years from now try to walk up a flight of steps and then decide who make the best choice regarding knowing when to leave the NFL playing field. Then again this could all be a big scam for him to get more money out of his contract. If that's the case, then fuck him. Nah, I can't hate a brotha for wanting to get paid.
(3.5) Philadelphia at New Orleans. Incorrect.
Nuts. The Eagles were prime for an upset, what with their big win against Dallas the week before. Oh well. The Saints earned this one. Goof for them.
(3.5) Seattle at St. Louis. Incorrect.
Shit. Seattle won, but didn’t cover. That’s a loss to me. Bastards.
Tennessee at Washington (10.5). Correct.
Damn, I was expecting this game to be close, but I didn’t Tennessee would win. Guess Washington is in more trouble that I originally thought.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh (6.5). Incorrect.
Ouch. This one hurt almost as much as that tackle Larry Johnson put on Troy Polamalu by throwing him down by the hair. And what was Johnson supposed to do – let Troy run in for the touchdown? If your hair is down to the point where it covers the name on the back of your jersey, then it’s fair game.
Miami at N.Y. Jets (2.5). Correct.
As every week passes, it’s more and more amazing to think that Miami was predicted to be a Super Bowl contender. Well, they could always win their last seven games. Again.
(10.5) San Diego at San Francisco. Correct.
It’s so much better being on the winning end of a lopsided game than having it be the other way.
Oakland at Denver (15.5). Incorrect.
Denver may have “lost,” but Oakland still keeps that perfect record in tact.
(11.5) Chicago at Arizona. Incorrect.
Talk about a meltdown. I turned on the television and saw the last play of the third quarter. (Or was it second-to-last? No matter.) Seeing Matt Leinart get sacked and the Chicago defense taking the fumbled ball in for a touchdown got me thinking that this game could be interesting to watch. I was right. Oakland may be the worst team out there, but the Cardinals are the most pathetic franchise in the NFL and one of the worst in all of sports. Then again, they got a new stadium and will make a buttload of cash, so who cares what the on-field product is like when you got a phat check coming in thanks to revenue sharing?
This week’s record: 6-7. Cumulative record: 40-47.
Hey, I’m only a touchdown’s worth of picks behind. The Bears made up more than that in the fourth quarter of their game Monday night, and I’m only headed into Week 7. Oh who am I kidding? This is only going to get worse.
7:45 a.m.
• I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. I really don’t have a “favorite” baseball team. However, when playoff time comes I usually just pick a team or two and pull for them. If they win, yay. If they lose, whatever. It’s not up there at the level of bandwagon-jumping but rather it’s more like taking part in a “pick ‘em” contest just for the sake of watching a game and having some kind of vested interest in it. I’ve been doing this for several years now and thought I’d look back and see how my picks fared.
I pulled for the Padres in 1998 and they lost. I pulled for the Yankees in 1999 and 2000 and they won each time. I don’t necessarily pull for the Yankees because they’re the Yankees. In fact, I oftentimes can’t stand the saturated coverage of this team. However, I side with the pinstripes more times than naught because so many other people hate them. There are other teams with this polarizing attraction – Notre Dame, Dallas Cowboys, L.A. Lakers – and generally I’m in the “against” them camp (although I don’t mind the present-day Cowboys). However, the Yankees, for now, are an exception to this rule. Where was I? Oh, yeah. 2001.
I wanted Schilling to win it with the Diamondbacks in '01, and they did. In '02, I pulled for the Angles and they won, although the real reason was because I didn’t want Bonds winning a title, and I don’t like Racist Dusty. I sided with the Marlins when they beat the Cubs, then Yanks (although I was indifferent as to who won the Series – once again, I didn't want Racist Dusty anywhere near a World Series) I sided with the Yankees when they lost to the Red Sox after being up 3-0 in '04. I was indifferent in '05, although if forced to make a choice, I would have hoped for the Astros to win. Pulled for the Cardinals last year because of all the OMG THEY JUST CRACK .500 AND DIDN'T BELONG talk.
So let's see:
1998: No
1999: Yes
2000: Yes
2001: Yes
2002: Yes
2003: Yes
2004: No
2005: No
2006: Yes
This year, I decided early in the first round that the Indians would be this year's team. Could I be due for another loss?
10:30 p.m.
• More wedded bliss. From a conversation with the better half today (she took the day off work). You can figure out who is who.
“How was work?”
“It was work. How was your day.”
”Oh I had an emotional breakdown while eating my Boo Berry.”
“Uh-huh. An emotional breakdown over what?”
”I don’t know.”
“OK then.”
Oddly enough, her monthly visitor is due next week. Christ almighty I couldn’t imagine being a chick. The last time I had an emotional breakdown Barry Bonds was unable to throw out Sid Bream at the plate.
• Speaking of work, it turns out we’re hiring some chick who fits the perfect description of being an officer employee at my place. Low self-esteem, no prospects, willing to get the life sucked out of her little by little day by day. Actually, she didn’t get hired for the job we were advertising for. That job is going to go to another co-worker who is pretty much doing the job of three people (at least). Long story short, there are three of us who do our job while everyone else slacks off or are completely fucking clueless and criminal. I’m one of the three. My co-worker who is in the office next to me is the second. The person getting shifted over to a new position is the third. Turns out this newly hired person may be getting more than the $8/hour originally planned because management is telling the current employee getting shifted over that she’ll be getting a SUBSTANTIAL RAISE when reviews are done. There’s one little catch: WE DON’T HAVE REVIEWS! We get some gay-ass “cost of living” thing at the start of each year. There is no “review.” You know, sometimes you can evaluate yourself by the company you keep. However, I like to also think you can do the same thing by looking at who views you as an enemy/threat.
Another work story, sort of. My co-worker and I were talking this morning, and the subject of my animal-loving wackiness was brought up. He called me an animal-rights wacko because I was going off on some children < pets rant. I disagreed with his assessment, primarily because an animal-rights wacko thinks animals are on the same level as people. I disagree. My cats aren’t as “equal” as me. In fact, they are vastly inferior, which is why they need my protection. However, I will say that they provide more to society than many people, particularly my crack-whore sister-in-law and the out-of-control niece. For example, my three kids
1) Provide companionship.
2) Squash bugs.
3) Let us know someone is at the door because they run away and hide.
4) Serve as an alarm clock because if they don’t get fed by 5:30-6 a.m. they wake us up, or at least they wake up Mrs. kkk. This has actually kept us from being late for work a number of times.
I just named four things Dessa, JJ and Max do to earn their keep. I can’t think of one thing my two relatives mentioned above have done for the greater good. Let’s see, they:
1) Don’t work.
2) Collect welfare.
3) Use emergency services for drug overdoses that are nothing more than attempts to get attention.
4) Get free government health care for conditions caused by drug and alcohol abuse.
And if a dog/cat gets put in a shelter they only have a week to be adopted before getting the needle, but yet we have an “affordable housing crisis” for our underclass. Put the pets in the shelters and gas those living off the public dole.
8:45 p.m.
• Damn you Bush economy. And here I thought living paycheck to paycheck was supposed to be fun.
Wait, what-?
So people living paycheck to paycheck can’t afford the super market food and buy from CONVENIENCE STORES?
Speak for yourself. This week’s grocery bill went from $80 down to $50 thanks to my Jew eye. Actually, I did a little number-crunching regarding last month’s household budget. There were several expenses that were non-regular or unexpected [$400 car insurance premium, JJ’s $100 trip to the vet for his acne(!), local taxes ($100), job interview and other clothes ($300), family cookout ($100), etc.] and with this $1,000 in unexpected expenses, we still managed to be $200 in the black for the month. I went and calculated all the money we saved on food and clothes thanks to coupons and sales, and that total came to just under $600. And we didn’t buy milk or eggs at the Quickie Mart.
• At least I now know how Al Keiper will be going out, and it will be in style. Wonder if the Phillies will win a World Series by the time his expiration date arrives?
• My question here is who would go to an event called the “Turkey Testicle Festival”? And if you go, I sure as hell wouldn't be eating any of the available food for sale. Then again, it couldn't be as bad as hot dogs.
Below is the article’s next paragraph. I’m willing to bet that one of the dozen cities the councilman mentions below is San Francisco.
• I hate to side with the commies on this one, but complaining about a bumper sticker titled “I’m tired of all the BUSHIT” and giving someone a fine for displaying this phrase on his or her car is stupid. Almost as stupid as the same person who gets fined then sues for PUNITIVE damages over the whole ordeal. (I think I've seen that sticker around the Shittsburgh area -- I know I've seen "Duck Fubya" and "Buck Fush" a few times. What offends me most about these stickers isn't the message but rather the lack of creativity. Then again this is a union town, so I don't expect much effort put forth into anything other than trying to find excuses not to work.)
• I don’t really give a shit about Bono. I don’t really give a shit about Bono wanting to save money. But when Bono lectures one country for not spending enough money on Africa, then moves his funds from that country to another one with a lower tax rate, I start giving a shit. Well, maybe “giving a shit” is too strong a word – how about finding the whole thing “post worthy”?
• I don’t really care about the political stuff in this article. It’s just when I read this I picture a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons enthusiasts fighting about how someone’s Level 15 thief failed a Save v. Poison roll while opening a treasure chest and died despite the wizard in the party casting a “Detect Traps” spell in the previous round. Then again, the fact I know what this shit means depresses me. Oh fuck it, I’ll embrace my D&D roots. I was always a fan of elves because they could use most weapons and cast spells. Two-handed weapons, if memory serves, were out of the question, but I never liked them anyway because they took too much time to swing.
9:30 p.m.
• This was a rather long article, but I can sum it up with two lines.
9:15 p.m.
• So I heard this today and got the thinking...
...I wonder how many Democrat men wouldn't vote for a woman president of their political party? Or, better yet, a candidate of color?
7:30 p.m.
• Can somebody please tell me the status of Joe Torre and the Yankees? Will he be back? Have the Yankees offered him a contract? I've been watching ESPN all afternoon and they haven't said a peep. What’s the point of having cable when they don’t give you any updates on important stuff like this?
5 p.m.
• LOL.
I'm a little bummed Max Baucus signed it because to me he has seemed to be a Democrat with some common sense. And it's nice to see Junior's sig on there, too. I'm surprised Crazy Arlen didn't take part.
9 p.m.
• I’ve said before that I really don’t have a favorite MLB team. If forced to pick one from each league, I’d say that my favorite AL team would be the Angels and the NL team would be the Cardinals. However, I really don’t care. But come playoff time I generally pick a team or two and hope they do well. The odd thing was I didn’t really know which team to pick. I’d go with the Angels, but I had a feeling that they’d get beat early. I was right. I wasn’t too keen on the Rockies, because they seemed like the popular pick, so I passed. Oh what the hell, the Indians haven’t won shit in a long time. Go Tribe.
• So when Mrs. kkk bitched about yesterday’s “Book Fund” incident, she was annoyed. Today, she was pissed. She got a memo from university HQ telling all employees that they must “donate” to the United Way. Not only does the better half hold this nonprofit in high regard, but she’s pissed that the money collected would go to the United Way in Allegheny County, not the county where we reside. What did she do? She threw the memo away because when she went to fill out the online form there was no way to put $0.00 in the “donate” field. Baby, I love you. Personally, I would have donated $0.01, but what might be a better idea is to donate to some extreme right-wing cause, like saving unborn babies from being murdered, and then sending the receipts to university HQ.
Oh, yeah, she also got a human resources document about the university’s authoritive blacktion policy that said “IF YOUR RACE HAS CHANGED IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS, PLEASE INDICATED WHAT YOU ARE NOW.” I told her to put down “Eskimo.” They need representation.
• Speaking of universities, you know what I love about these institutions of so-called higher learning? The way they openly embrace points of view.
4:30 p.m.
• So the idiot boss got a call from someone he was to interview for this job in the office. Now they’re going to pay this person $8/hour, so naturally the responses to this opening have been, well, let’s say “less than overwhelming.” Anyway, this person asked the idiot what the “salary range” is. The idiot’s response? “It depends on the qualifications.” BWAHAHAHAHA~! Yeah, if she has more than 10 years experiences, she might get $8.25. Surprisingly, after that the person never came back for a second interview.
• I think I found a way to counter those people that drive around with the booming bass systems in their vehicle. Yesterday we were beside one of these people at a red light, so I cranked up the treble in our car where all you could hear was the singer’s voice. Worked out pretty well, if I do say so myself, even though my ears were ringing for a few minutes afterward.
