7:30 p.m.
• So the better half and I went to one of her friend’s house for some birthday party. Not only did the friend’s kid celebrate his fifth birthday, but this was also a place for the usual family members to meet and greet. With this being the first time many of these people have seen the better half since it was announced she was knocked up, we heard a lot of, “what until you have one of your own,” whenever one of the kids in attendance did something.
Some kid screaming for no apparent reason: “Wait until you have one of your own.”
Some kid running around at full speed and crashing into furniture: “Wait until you have one of your own.”
Some kid asking for a present that has yet to be assembled: “Wait until you have one of your own.”
Let’s just say on the drive home Mrs. kkk wasn’t too thrilled with being told 20 times “Wait until you have one of your own.” I didn’t mind the references. Then again, I didn’t hear any of them because I wasn’t paying attention for most of the afternoon. Had I been listening to any of the conversations going on, I would have just counted this “one of your own” stuff with, “Well, I’ll be sure not to pop out a troll.”
Actually, even I did listen to these people, I don't think this "Wait until you have one talk" would have bothered me much. After all, it can't be as annoying as the people that used to come into the Quickie Mart at 6 a.m. and comment on us being up so early. However, what I do see happening in the future is dealing with people who question the way I'm raising kkk Jr. I'm sure those exchanges will be fun.
• Man, I’ll tell you what – today could have been a bad one. I had just gotten out of the shower for said party, dried myself off and put on some clothes. I then went back into the bathroom to get a few things off the one ledge in shower – toothbrush, razor, etc., Suddenly I slipped and fell into the bathtub. When I put out my left hand to cushion the fall, my thumb went back. However, it didn’t go back far enough to break or even sprain. However, it was close enough. It hurt like hell for a few minutes (in fact, it’s still a bit sore), and it made me think of how bad the rest of my day would have been if that thumb would have went back just a tad bit more.
11 p.m.
• I'm not about to read this article, but the headline says it all.
Now if he should win the Democrat nomination and lose in the general election, I can see the next AP Headline.
OK, so I lied. I looked over the article mentioned above, and found this:
A Republican in San Francisco?
Now would I vote for a black presidential candidate? Sure, as long as they'd be willing to bomb brown people.
11 p.m.
• Not only are these non-Americans taking our jobs, but they are also taking our contests. If the mother is not a legal resident, and if the rules state citizenship is a requirement, then she doesn't get the prize money. I guess since she can't run for President, that must smack of second-class citizenship, too.
4:30 p.m.
• I love Wild Card weekend. Four games throughout the weekend – you can’t beat that. Time to make some pickkks:
Kansas City at Indianapolis (7.5)
Because everybody is expecting a 52-49 shootout, I’m sure this will probably end up being a 6-3 affair. Kansas City needs to run the ball and this matchup favors them. Indy needs to score a bunch of points because of a poor defense and this matchup favors them. What will happen? I have no idea. But this game is at Indy, and it’s not a divisional playoff, so I’m hoping Manning doesn’t choke until another round or two into the postseason. Since I’m making people pick final scores in my kkk Bowl contest, I’ll say Indy 40, KC 27.
Dallas at Seattle (3.5)
These two teams haven’t been playing well as of late, so I’m just hoping the home field really does play an advantage in this contest. Dallas has won on the road this year, and Seattle plays in the NFC West, so I have no idea how this one will turn out. Seattle 24, Dallas 17.
New York Jets at New England (8.5)
This one intrigues me. These teams split the season series. The Pats pretty much dominated the first game, with a few freak plays keeping the Jets close. The Jets then beat New England on their home field in the next game. Now will the more experienced Patriots kick it into high gear in the playoffs, or will the Jets hang tough against a divisional foe? The only reason I’m going with the Jets is because this doesn’t look like the same Patriots from year’s past. New England 20, New York 13.
New York Giants at Philadelphia (7.5)
Philly has been playing good late in the season, and the Giants have been inconsistent. However, because this is a divisional match-up I’ll go with the Giants, even though I think Philadelphia will win. New York 17, Philly 21.
3:30 p.m.
• Might as well finish up my NFL pickkk results for the rest of the regular season.
First are my Week 15 results, which I forgot all about.
San Francisco at Seattle: Correct
Dallas at Atlanta: Correct
Cleveland at Baltimore: Incorrect
Detroit at Green Bay: Correct
Houston at New England: Incorrect
Jacksonville at Tennessee: Correct
Miami at Buffalo: Incorrect
N.Y. Jets at Minnesota: Correct
Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants: Correct
Pittsburgh at Carolina: Incorrect
Tampa Bay at Chicago: Correct
Washington at New Orleans: Correct
Denver at Arizona: Correct
Kansas City at San Diego: Incorrect
St. Louis at Oakland: Correct
Cincinnati at Indianapolis: Correct
This week's record: 11-5
Week 17 results:
N.Y. Giants at Washington: Incorrect
Atlanta at Philadelphia: Correct
Buffalo at Baltimore: Incorrect
Carolina at New Orleans: Incorrect
Cleveland at Houston: Correct
Detroit at Dallas: Correct
Green Bay at Chicago: Incorrect
Jacksonville at Kansas City: Correct
Miami at Indianapolis: Correct
New England at Tennessee: Correct
Oakland at N.Y. Jets: Incorrect
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: Incorrect
Seattle at Tampa Bay: Correct
St. Louis at Minnesota: Correct
Arizona at San Diego: Incorrect
San Francisco at Denver: Incorrect
This Week's record: 8-8
Year-end total: 126-130
Well, that's almost .500
• A while back I talked about this MTV show called "My Sweet 16," and how I wanted to take a shovel to the head of each of these spoiled brats. It was during this time I vowed never to watch this show again. I lied. I just had an episode on where some chick had a party that cost more than my college education, and the event was almost ruined when some boy put his face into her $800 birthday cake, toppling it onto the floor. While that was funny enough, there was then video of this kid being taken away in a police car.
4:15 p.m.
• Even though I clinched a first-round bye in my kkk Bowl league (had I been playing this year), I might as well see how good (or bad) I would have done this round.
Washington @ Seattle (3.5)
Seattle 27, Washington 17
I’m not high on Seattle, but I’m chalking this one up to the home-team-wins-on-Wild-Card-Weekend. I’ll tell you what, though. If the Redskins win and reach the Conference Championship round, it’s going to make for one hell of a story.
(2.5) Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
Jacksonville 27, Pittsburgh 10
I can see this game going a number of ways. Jacksonville can just go out there and make Pittsburgh its bitch, or the Steelers will learn and adjust from their first game and win. To do this, I think the Steelers will have to become more of a passing team than a running team. But what’s most odd about this game is that there has been absolutely no fan excitement in the week leading up to this game in the Southwestern Pennsylvania region. Now that is a bad sign.
N.Y. Giants @ Tampa Bay (3.5)
N.Y. Giants 13, Tampa Bay 23
Much like the Steeler game, I can see this one going one of two ways. The Giants took that loss to the Patriots and built some momentum, or they are going to have one hell of a letdown and have the Bucs, which hasn’t done shit in recent weeks, run all over them. I’m opting for the latter because that’s all you’ll be hearing about afterward from the national media: “OMG the Giants should have rested everybody in Week 17~!”
Tennessee @ San Diego (9.5)
Tennessee 10, San Diego 20
I like Vince Young, but I don’t see how the Titans can pull this one off. Their only hope is that Rivers has a terrible game and the Tennessee defense stifles the Chargers rushing attack. Perhaps Young, who is hurt, will be pulled during this game and Collins will rally the troops, but I think San Diego will get out of the first round this year.
11:15 p.m.
• Even though the ad as a whole isn't all that great, what makes me love this spot is Jerry Jones at the very end saying, "Hey, you need this ... I'll take those."
11:59 p.m.
• Wow, you got to love local news. The NBC station is leading off with fan reaction to tonight's Steeler loss. You'd think the mayor died. Get over it, people. IT'S A GAME. Be glad they lost a close game at home to a better team rather than going on the road and losing in a blowout to a MUCH better team.
10 p.m.
• I actually thought about saying this at my wedding just for a joke. Good thing I didn't or I wouldn't be alive today to tell this story. Then again I'm sure other people are saddened I didn't open my mouth for once.
8 p.m.
• It's official. Bill Cowher is no longer coaching the Steelers.
I'm sure there's some behind-the-scenes stuff going on, but this is probably as good-natured a departure as you're going to get in the NFL. I've talked about Cowher before, and while I contend the Steelers underachieved in regards to only reaching the Super Bowl twice under his tenure despite quite a few Conference Championship games, I have always thought him to be great at what he does. Sure there were quite a few big games where the other team's coach outclassed him in preparation and execution (New England in '05 comes to mind), but I'm sure any football fan would gladly endure all that heartbreak rather than look forward to that top draft pick year in and year out. I will add that I didn't like the fact he started Ben Roethlisberger in this season's Raiders contest after getting knocked out of a game the week before. Sure Roethlisberger play terrible and threw a few interceptions that were run back for touchdowns, but I didn't care about that; I was concerned for his health. That aside, I hope Cowher enjoys his time off. He's earned it. Oh, and from an August entry:
5:30 p.m.
• Just came back from the eye doctor, who dilated my pupils. Looking at the computer screen is ... interesting. Oh man, I am so on drugs right now. So what magazine was I looking at while in the waiting room? Highlights Magazine, baby. It's been years since I looked at a Goofus and Gallant cartoon. WTF happened? When I was a kid these cartoons had realistic drawings and funny escapades.
Now they're in color, look retarded and have stupid lines like. "Goofus slouches. Gallant sits up straight."
Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Goofus is cool.
8:30 a.m.
• Damn National Guard. Always getting in the way of migrant workers wanting to pick lettuce.
• And while I'm talking about south of the border.
Then at the end of the article I read this.
How about respecting that border thingy that separates the U.S. from your shithole of a country?
9 p.m.
• 100 Most Influential Hispanics? I don't think I could name 100 Hispanics, period. Wait a second: I forgot about baseball players. Nevermind, I'm good.
• So what if our former Chief Justice thought the CIA was out to get him. This was the CIA, so it was probably true.
5 p.m.
• Update on the turkey baster family. For those not in the know, here is what I am talking about:
Mrs. kkk found out this afternoon, when trying to call Tonya to RSVP her presence at little Reba's birthday party this weekend, that Tonya turns her ringer off. Why? Because she's tired of all the bill-collectors calling. Oh, and Gary is pissed off because with Tonya's job of sitting around doing nothing, err, I mean cleaning her aunt's house (actually, I think it now may be her mom, rather than aunt) for the State, they are $100 over some marker and can't collect as much welfare. Of course, that was bound to happen when Gary eventually gets upgraded to full-time status with the County Courthouse's janitorial staff. I should note that the better half will be going to this party and not me. Why is that? Because these people didn't attend our wedding. Believe me, I didn't want them attending. I love cashing in "Get Out Of Family Events Because The People Hosting It Didn't Come To Your Wedding" cards.
3 p.m.
• Now let me get this straight...
So while black people were on top of houses waiting to be rescued, cops were saving frozen embryos? That's ... the most awesome thing I've ever heard. Yeah, I know it says this rescue took place a fortnight after the storm, but that information is all the way down in the fifth paragraph -- nobody actually reads that far down in these posted articles.
• Christ, I can't remember who I picked in Week 16. I'll just do a "correct/incorrect" quickie run-down and highlight the really stupid things I said while predicting this week's slate of games.
Minnesota at Green Bay (3.5) –– Incorrect
(6.5) Kansas City at Oakland –– Correct
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (3.5) –– Correct
Carolina at Atlanta (6.5) -– Correct
(4.5) Chicago at Detroit -- Correct (The joke was almost on me.)
(9.5) Indianapolis at Houston -- Incorrect
New England at Jacksonville (2.5) -- Correct
New Orleans at N.Y. Giants (3.5) -- Incorrect (Final score: Saints 30, Giants 7.)
Tampa Bay at Cleveland (3.5) -- Correct
Tennessee at Buffalo (4.5) -- Correct
Washington at St. Louis (2.5) -- Incorrect
Arizona at San Francisco (4.5) -- Incorrect
Cincinnati at Denver (3.5) -- Incorrect
(4.5) San Diego at Seattle -- Incorrect
Philadelphia at Dallas (7.5) -- Incorrect
N.Y. Jets at Miami (2.5) -- Incorrect
This week's score: 7-9
Cumulate score: 107-117
Well, it was looking good until those pesky last 6 games.
Oops. I forgot about my Week 15 Pickkk results.
• Judge Samuel Alito was just confirmed as the newest Supreme Court Justice. Elsewhere, Wal-Mart is running a special on rusty coat hangers and signs that read “Whites Only.” What makes me laugh about this whole event is that if Alito really was as awful as Ted Kennedy and Chuck Schumer made him out to be, then how in the world did he ever get to become a federal judge in the first place? Better yet, how did he manage to graduate from law school?
I guess it’s only fitting since civil rights, for all intents and purposes, died with the Alito confirmation that Coretta Scott King, widow of Martin Luther King Jr., passed away on the very same day. Could this be an omen of things to come? Well, as someone who loves dirty air and water, tax cuts for the rich, and seeing old people survive on cat food and dumpster scraps, I certainly hope so.
Even though I’m giddy with how the Supreme Court is shaping up, there is something that annoyed me regarding RIGHT-WING RADIO during recent Supreme Court confirmation processes. Just about every national talk-show host I listened to said Alito and John Roberts before him “ran rings around the liberals questioning him.” Well I should sure hope so. If you can’t outwit Ted Kennedy or outsmart Diane Feinstein, then you have no business being a civil servant, let alone a Supreme Court Justice. I would hope that even a liberal like Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be able to hold her own in an argument with these same people, and I’m sure she could; that is if she actually answered any questions posed to her.
Justice Alito, enjoy the perks of your new lifetime appointment. And remember when the next time a bunch of far-sighted Jews claim they were disenfranchised in the voting booth, think back to who got you this cushy gig. Seriously, is there any better job than to be a Supreme Court Justice? You’re paid to sit down and write opinions all day that nobody can overrule except for five of your eight colleagues. Future courts could also override what you deemed constitutional or unconstitutional, but by the time this actually happens you’ll be long dead and nobody will care.
• In California, an an ex-postal worker recently killed six former co-workers before committing suicide. What is up with postal workers hating their jobs? From the want ads I’ve seen regarding vacant post office positions, the pay is more than fair. In addition, it’s a government job, so there has to be good benefits along with some other perks. Why do these people go nuts? Earlier this month I was at a local post office near my workplace to purchase some of those hippie 2-cent stamps, and the cashier whose register I approached to make the transaction was flipping out to his supervisor about how a co-worker expected him to weigh letters for her while he was still waiting on his customers. In hindsight, I don’t think it was a good idea for me to say in front of his supervisor, “give me $50 and I’ll slash her tires,” but at least it shut him up for the rest of the time I was there.
One thing I really hate about the post office is that when you go in there to have a letter weighed and sent out they always ask you if you want to buy stamps. No I don’t want to buy any goddamn stamps; I just don’t want to play a guessing game of how many stamps I have to put on my parcel if it’s not in the conventional first-class 39-cent envelope. However, one thing I hate even more than this is when you’re in line and the customer in front of you answers yes to the same question I mentioned above. These people then take at least 20 minutes trying to decide between the stamps with the American Flag pictured on them or the stamps with the Stature of Liberty prominently featured. What’s the difference? Just order your stamps, pay for them and leave. Oh, and if you get run over by a car in the lot, that would be great, too.
Then again, maybe it is customers like this that make these government workers go postal, which if that is the case then I totally sympathize with their plight. Just one request should you go on a shooting spree: Before offing yourself, make sure to take out a few customers, too.
8:30 p.m.
• So the Jew is running for office.
Great. So he was the point man on a manufactured LEFT-WING RADIO network to CHALLENGE RUSH and flopped. Now as Senator he'll vote in the unFairness Doctrine. Funny.
• I guess I could say something mean, but I never cared about this feminazi when she was alive so why should I bother now? Peace out.
• Senator Joe Biden...
I never saw Barack Osama as a clean black man ever .... ever.
Does this mean I no longer have to save my allowance for that campaign war chest due to my braided hair not being washed on a daily basis?
And I'm sure Medium-Large Media will be all over this story as if someone like, say, Trent Lott would have said this.
7 a.m.
• So I was listening to a top-of-the-hour RIGHT-WING RADIO station’s newscast, and the story was W. talking about the state of the economy and how unemployment is low and expansion/growth is up. Of course, the reporter then said, “BUT CRITICS SAY,” there are parts in the U.S. economy struggling, particularly manufacturing such as FORD and GENERAL MOTORS(?!). LOL – so not only is George W. Bush responsible for hurricanes, earthquakes and tornados, but also he is responsible for these companies and how they run their businesses. Look, I get that foreign competition can be a bitch, and there are cases where I feel the American worker is getting corn-holed, but to cite these two dinosaurs as examples of what’s wrong with the U.S. economy is … well, now that I put it that way, I would tend to agree.
• You got to be shitting me. Or should I say you got to be shitting facing away from Mecca? Yet another arrow to add to my “One of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male” quiver. From our friends across the Pond. And ignore the hippie spelling -- this is from the U.K. Sun.
7:30 p.m.
• Let me get this straight. In the first paragraph of this article it says:
Oh, nos.
Then I read the fourth paragraph.
Couple this with the melting ice caps and I think we'll be A-OK in the "there's no water" department. I'd also consider investing in companies that deal with desalination.
9 p.m.
• So earlier this week it was Max’s turn to go to the vet. It’s always amusing because once the three of them figure out someone is going into the carrier it’s every feline for itself. And once they get into that carrier the unlucky kitty starts crying like there’s no tomorrow. In the house. In the car. In the vet’s waiting room. It’s rather pathetic. Then when we go to the vet’s one medical rooms and take the cat out, he or she freezes up. After some shots were given and the carrier’s door opened back up, Max ran right in without a moment’s pause. Then on the way home it’s silent because he knows he’s going back home. I think one of these times just to fuck with them I’m going to take them home, not open the carrier door and then go back out to the car. Christ I’m horrible.
Oh, and Max was fine and even lost half a pound.
• Yesterday I was flipping channels and came across it. The movie that inspired one of my all-time favorite South Park Moments.
“They Live.” Holy God was that an awesomely bad film.
It is common for professional athletes to get labeled by many in our society of being greedy, spoiled and out of touch, but I am generally not one of those people who will make these accusations. After all, if you are one of the chosen few blessed to play a professional sport, your shelf life as a pro athlete is extremely limited (especially if you play in the NFL), so you better get your money while you can. Or should I say get what money you can after taxes and various fees to player unions, agents and publicists?
While I don’t fault athletes for earning their hefty paychecks, there are some things that remain a mystery to me. For example, I don’t understand how someone can leave a winning team and head to losing team for not that much more money. Nobody can fault a top rookie or second-year phenom for jumping ship if they are with a team that is offering $500,000 per year when a team in a larger market is willing to pony up $5 million per year for their services. However, if you are an established name and on a team that is contending for a championship, why move away from that franchise and be a little richer but much more miserable?
One example of this happening was when Bobby Bonilla left the Shittsburgh Pirates after the 1991 season and headed over to the New York Mets. After going to the playoffs for two consecutive years in Shittsburgh, Bonilla turned down a multi-million dollar contract (if memory serves, it was around $4-4.5 million/year) and went to the Mets for about $6 million per year. As a kid, I didn’t understand why Bonilla left the Pirates, who were still considered contenders at the time by many, to go to a Mets franchise that was struggling below .500. Now that I’m older, I can sympathize with him wanting to go to a larger market where there would be greater opportunitiesto make more money, but I still don’t agree with the move. If the Pirates had gone through a 100-game losing season, then I could understand him wanting to leave and go to team with a better chance of winning. But this wasn’t the case. Bonilla was already a millionaire, and unlike football, baseball contracts are guaranteed. So even if he sustained a career-ending injury during that next year’s spring training, Bonilla would still have earned enough money to live comfortably for several lifetimes.
The funny thing about this whole situation is that for 1992, Bonilla’s first year in New York, the Pirates won their division for the third straight year and was one only out away from reaching the World Series. The Mets meanwhile stayed near the bottom of the NL East. Although as a kid I enjoyed watching the Pirates win during that summer of ‘92, I enjoyed even more the articles I read about Bonilla and his miserable stay with the Mets where at one point he had to wear earplugs to drown out the boos from the New York crowds. Was that extra million or so worth hating your job? Only Bonilla can answer that question, but I know I would rather stay with a contending team and be cheered on by the hometown fans than be mercilessly booed in a new city. (Sadly, Bonilla would go on to win a Series ring with the Florida Marlins.)
While I am on this subject, another athlete whose actions I don’t understand is Kobe Bryant. It’s true he wasn’t best friends with former teammate Shaquille O’Neal, but they were civil enough to each other to win three NBA championships. However, winning wasn’t enough for Bryant, and as a result the Lakers traded O’Neal to the Miami Heat. Now Bryant is the main man for a mediocre Laker team.
Ever since Bryant got his wish, he has piled up great personal stats, including recently putting up 81 points against the Toronto Raptors. But aside from a scoring title or some other individual achievement, this is all the glory Bryant will see for the time being. I was watching last night’s game the Lakers had with the Pistons, who are the quintessential “team” in the NBA, and the Lakers got clobbered 102-93. During the game I saw a sign held by a fan that pretty much shows the difference between someone like Bryant and a team like Pistons. The sign read “Bryant: 37 points; Pistons: 37 wins.”
Enjoy these big games, Kobe, because the best your team can hope for is an early-round exit from the playoffs, if you are even lucky enough to get into the postseason.
8 p.m.
• Today the better half and I went to get our taxes done at H&R Block. And just how much did we get back? $2,500 BABY!!! WHOO-HOO, THANKS UNCLE SAM FOR GIVING US BACK THE MONEY WE OVERPAID IN TAXES. While most people give out high-fives when getting this refund, I just roll my eyes and remind Mrs. kkk, who gets more taken out of her paycheck than she should, that she’s not “gaining” any money with this transaction. Actually, I’ve stopped reminding her of this a few years ago because it’s a hopeless cause. I must say thought that I enjoyed this trip. We get our taxes done by the same chick every year; the better half has been going to her for years, and when we got hitched we just kept the tradition going; I had always just used Turbo Tax, or whatever product had the best mail-in rebate. Anyway, as we were getting started, the tax chick asked if we wanted to donate $3 to the hippie election commission or whatever it was called. When the wife said “no” she made a remark about Hiterly and I could tell our tax chick wasn’t a fan of the Hildabeast. She then said, “The other day I had a customer say that if she gets elected he’s going to Canada.” Without missing a beat I replied…
PUT YOUR MITTENS ON
…“If she gets elected I’m going to the gun store, buying a sniper’s rifle then going to White House.” She said, “You don’t really mean that.” My response, “Yes I do.” Instead of avoiding me for the rest of this meeting, I think she actually approved of this. Awesome. I like her even more now. In fact, later on when we first found out how much we were getting back, I was surprised. We made less money (about $6,000 less) than the previous year but got about $500 more back. I just shook my head and remarked that if we squirted out a few kids we’d get $20,000 back. The tax chick shook her head and said, “that is so the truth.” She then went on to say how some families get thousands upon thousands of dollars just because of their kids. I make some remark about white trash and noticed from the corner of my eye the customer in the next cubicle giving me a dirty look. Jackpot. I made several more remarks that drew the ire of this redneck even more. Maybe she’ll use some of that refund loot to buy some much-needed shampoo.
• Christ, they’re making another one of these Focker movies. Oh well, they made a lot of money, so why wouldn’t they do so? Neither one did much for me, but comedy is a subjective genra.
• Good for Burger King.
I’ve been liking their ads over the last couple of years. From re-introducing that
to ads like the Texas Double Whopper, and Stacker I hope these campaigns helped bring people in to their stores. And I'm sure these ad/marketing people didn't even have to walk on hot coals, which is what their peers did do back in 2001.
Another ad campaign I liked was Taco Bell’s “Think Outside the Bun,” although it should have been mercy-killed a while back. McDonald’s and Wendy’s: the less said the better.
• For the last few days I’ve heard this stupid debate in the sports world about who would you want to be: Tiger Woods or Roger Federer. That’s easy. Roger for me. No, I don’t care about his tennis accomplishments. Tiger is expecting a cub sometime this year. As far as I know, Roger is childless. Then again, I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend; he could be a homo for all I know.
* Enters “Roger Federer girlfriend” in a Google search.*
Works for me.
7:30 p.m.
• So yesterday I took the first step in becoming a lazy slug at my new job. I installed my AIM account. It’s only a matter of time before I start downloading porn. Actually, that’s one thing I haven’t done at work.
• Great, now who am I going to vote for when Pennsylvania’s primary comes around to these here parts?
Seriously, nobody is doing it for me. When W. ran in ’00 I had no problem throwing my support behind him. Dole was the only GOP candidate back in ’96, so it’s not like there was any drama back then. If I was 18 in ’92 I would have went Perot (had I been in my mid-20s, I probably would have stayed with H.), so there would be no pondering my choices there, either. Actually, this reminds me of a funny story. In ’92 my high school had this mock election and we had the poli-sci class debate in front of the students on what candidate to vote for. The people supporting H. ended their spiel with the most unenthusiastic, “and he won the Gulf War” line I ever heard (granted I haven’t heard that line used much, if any, since then), which was received by laughter. In the end, though, Perot got the majority of votes, which surprised the principal/teacher who announced the winner at the end of the day. Anyway, my one friend at the time was happy that Clinton won; I was indifferent. Then a week or two later he started bitching because Clinton reneged on that middle class tax cut. I’m not sure what my friend was so pissed about – he worked at a fast-food place part-time. It’s not like he was getting more take home pay. Then again, now that I look back at it all, I’m sure he’s a Democrat. In fact, I actually got on of those quickie subscriptions to Classmates a few years ago just so I could find out what some of my classmates put as their political preference. It was interesting, to say the least.
My n*gga.
11 p.m.
• While some may think President Hussein may be able to walk on water, he sure can't walk through windows/doors/walls.
Remember when a certain ex-president made such a flub?
• Boy, it's a good thing Osama didn't pick this former senator to head anything in the Treasury department. That would have been embarrassing.
• If Bruce shouldn't have made a deal somewhere, it should have been with his vetting team. Who WOULDN'T think a deal with Wal-Mart would go over well with the commies he frolics with?
• OK, if you can't see the writing on the wall here, then you deserve to show up to work one day and find the doors locked.
9 p.m.
So not only were the players roiding up during that magical summer of '98, but the baseballs were juiced, too? Oh my world is crashing down all around me. How could this have happened? HOW?!
7 p.m.
• There's an interesting topic over in the Sports folder regarding how the NFL should treat overtime games. Currently, it's the first team to score wins. It doesn't matter if points are scored on the overtime's opening drive, in the final seconds or on a turnover. Here's how college football does its thing, according to Wikipedia:
For years, the debate has been whether or not the NFL should adopt college football's overtime system. For years I have been in the "keep it as-is" crowd. Hey, each team had 60 minutes to score more points. If your offense doesn't take the field in overtime because the other team scored first, too bad. This is football. Quit yer bitchin'. However, recently I have been starting to wonder if the NFL won't be better if this change is made. After all, the two-point conversion made the NFL a better product, in my opinion. I think I may eventually change my opinion on this one.
5 p.m.
• This seemed to be the topic du jour on sports talk radio today.
If you can find a school that will pay you a shitload of money for a decade or so, then go for it. One thing that makes me chuckle whenever a coach leaves on place for another, especially on an amateur level, is that they always get on their players about commitment, dedication, pride, and all that other hippie shit. Then they pack up and leave when a better offer arrives on their doorstep. When I was entering 10th grade, my high school hired some redneck football coach who got on our players about being in the weight room and all that other jock stuff. Now even though I couldn’t stand him, he did turn our football program around. As my high school years progressed, our teams didn’t have winning records, but these contests were much more competitive. When I was a senior, our team got off to a slow start after losing a few close games, but you could tell this wasn’t the same team as in year’s past. In fact, it was predicted that the graduating class to come after mine would be playoff-bound (and in fact they were, as well as a few other classes after that). But one thing I’ll remember is that this same coach, who had his players commit all their time and energy to playing for him, left after my junior year for a better deal. I heard quite a few players on that team were crying when the coach announced his intentions.
• Pat Robertson is predicting a terrorist attack on the United States sometime later this year. Was this one of those direct-calls from God?
Hate to break it to you, Pat, but the terrorists already struck last September. And while I'm on the subject of Congress.
You know, I guess I could go “OMG partisan politics” and all that shit, but I don’t care. Democrats won the last election – they can institute all the commie programs they want. To the victor go the spoils.
• I was driving to my old man’s house during the holidays and was behind this hippie couple with all these bumper stickers attached to their piece of shit truck. While many were run-of-the-mill slogans, one got a laugh out of me. It was all white with red letters and read “Say No To Empire.” WTF? I wish we were an empire. That way, instead of all this politically correct bullshit we could flatten the entire Middle East, take their oil and turn that region into a big Wal-Mart. And forget about culturally sensitive meals at Club Gitmo.
7:15 p.m.
• So while the better half and I drove home from work today, we were talking about our employment experiences when it came to quitting. While I have only resigned a job to take another job in the same region once in the last 12 years, Mrs. kkk has made a habit of employment-hopping. Then again, most of her work is in academia, so I’m sure I’d go insane as well. One job was of particular interest though.
Back when we lived in Ohio, her first job out of grad school was for some lady who had her own business. Long story short: she tested white/ghetto trash to see if they were eligible for SSI. After her first day, Mrs. kkk stormed into our townhouse and began swearing about her day due to several hillbilly kids she had to test. It didn’t get much better from there. However, the best part came about nine months later when her boss went on a three-week cruise and laid off the half-dozen people in her office. Oddly enough, this little tidbit was never told to the better half during her interview. Her boss said that everyone could collect unemployment for those three weeks while she soaked it up in the sun drinking out of those glasses with the little umbrellas in them. Problem was, Mrs. kkk hadn’t been employed full-time long enough yet to collect anything. This was around the time we decided that she should look for work back in the southwest Pennsylvania region. A few months prior, we decided to leave Ohio for Pennsylvania but we weren’t quite sure when would the best time to pack up – our lease had about six months remaining. Well, it was during this layover when we figured that Mrs. kkk move back in with her parents, look for a full-time job in her field and I would stay in Ohio working until the lease ended. Well, three weeks later, the better half was returning back to her job – only to give her two-week notice to her boss.
Oh, here’s a bonus nugget as to the kind of person this boss was: One time Mrs. kkk stayed home ill at the insistence of said boss. However, when her next paycheck arrived, it was discovered she was docked that day’s pay. When she asked why, the boss said that she took the day off and didn’t work her full eight hours. Shortly thereafter, when the better half worked late for a several-day stretch, the boss gave her hell for leaving early. The reason? She was a salaried employee and she doesn’t “work late.” A salaried employee that gets laid off during vacation time.
• A few weeks ago I bought some uber-special DVD edition of “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and last night I finally got around to watching it. I read the book in high school and don’t remember much of what happened (it was a school assignment after all), but I watched the movie a few years later and absolutely loved it. I haven’t seen the film again since 1995, but when I was at Best Buy in early January of this year I saw this DVD marked down from $29.99 to $9.99 and felt an impulse. I think there was a clerical error regarding its price because I didn’t see this special advertised in Best Buy’s weekly circular, and when I had the movie scanned the retail price of $29.99 remained the same. However, after showing a clerk that this was indeed the advertised price (and the price was for this edition and not some crappy bare-bones DVD; I make sure to check these things out before going to the register), they marked it down for me.
As I watched this film again last night, I was still impressed with it after 10 years from my previous viewing. I can’t explain why I like this movie so much: there’s no CGI, no real profanity besides the “n” word being said a few times (which was necessary because I doubt those rednecks saying “African-American” would have been all that believable), there was no T&A outside of Scout wearing a dress that revealed her knees, and, worst of all, it was shot in black and white. I guess when you’re watching a good movie you don’t need all of those additional features, which is why I’m sure a lot of movies nowadays have to have these “enhancements.”
After watching this movie, I remembered that hippie list the American Film Institute released a few years ago rating the greatest heroes and villains of the silver screen. Since Atticus Finch was the top person for the hero list (it figures Hollywood would consider a lawyer a hero), I decided to check out that list one more time.
Whenever a list like this comes out, it’s pointless to do any real debate. Oh my God, James Bond is below Indiana Jones! Why is Charlton Heston’s Moses ranked so low? – Damn you liberal media! I will say though that’s it’s funny Han Solo cracked the 14 spot and Luke Skywalker didn’t make the Top 50 (I can’t remember if he was in the 51-100 group).
However, over in the villains section, there is something that I question: I still don’t get how the shark from “Jaws” is a villain. He was a just a fish swimming around looking for food. If anything the real villains of this film are the executives who gave the green light for those godawful sequels: I don’t think there is such a drop-off in quality for a series from the first film to the most recent sequel than the "Jaws" franchise. To make matters worse, I remember as a kid watching “Jaws: The Revenge” in the theater and wondering how the shark knew to swim down the Eastern Seaboard and find Ellen Brody after she left her New England home and went to the Bahamas.
• Cindy Sheehan is threatening to run against Diane Feinstein for her Senate seat if Feinstein doesn’t come out more strongly against the war in Iraq. Man, if this happens it will sure make her look like a moderate to the voters. Wait a second, who would look more like the moderate in California– Sheehan or Feinstein?
• So now the first year of college is the "riskiest." Riskiest? Give me a break. The first year of serving in Iraq is “risky.” The first year of fighting cancer is “risky.” The first year of going to a college isn’t. Yeah, that keg party just jumped out of nowhere and that steady stream of alcohol just happened to pour down Johnny’s throat while he were sleeping. Now there is a risk of catching bacterial meningitis or some other condition due to living in close quarters with many people, which is a part of dorm life, but most of the problems college students have that involve "risky behavior" are self-inflicted. Save me the sob story for someone who deserves pity. Not some 18-year-old idiot who got drunk and jumped off a roof.
• Well, it turns out former independent prosecutor Ken Starr might now get invited to a few cocktail parties around California's social scene. Starr has contacted Arnold Schwarzenegger regarding the upcoming execution of Michael Morales, who raped and murdered a 17-year-old girl back in 1981. Starr wants Morales to receive clemency. Now you may be asking yourself why would Starr want to grant mercy to this confessed murderer: Was there a last-minute eyewitness to refute the prosecution’s side of the story? Was there some new DNA evidence that puts some doubt as to Morales’ guilt? Of course not. Morales said he's sorry.
But that's not all. Another person trying to spare Morales' life is Judge Charles McGrath, who first sentenced Morales to death row. The judge now says he doesn't believe the testimony of jailhouse informant Bruce Samuelson, who said that Morales boasted of his assault and made obscene and derogatory references toward his victim. Says the judge, "New information has emerged to show the evidence upon which I relied in sentencing Mr. Morales to death - Mr. Samuelson's testimony - is false."
So Morales saying mean things about his victim was your deciding factor in whether or not he deserved the death penalty? I think that says more about you, judge, than it does about the so-called unreliable testimony.
6:30 p.m.
• Ha. Another caller on today’s show talked about how she and her fiancee had to take some written test because they were going to get married in a Catholic church. Oy, I remember completing that retarded thing. The priest was “concerned” with the answers the better half and I had. The only things we agreed on were financial matters that showed we were experienced with bill-paying and other things, thus revealing that we were living in sin. Ohs nos. I didn’t give a shit if Fr. Whatever-his-name was knew about our co-habitation, but Mrs. kkk had never told him we lived in sin and didn’t want him knowing. Whatever. The other thing we agreed on dealt with not having kids, which the priest didn’t take kindly to. After all, if we don’t reproduce, who will he sodomize? Although I have to call bullshit on this hippie test because we had three answers to choose from: “yes,” “no” and “not applicable” (or something like that). Of course, I get told after we got the results back that a “NA” answer just counted as a “no.” Half of my answers were “NA” because the questions didn’t apply to our situation because they dealt with my side of the family, and I pretty much stay away from these people. God that test was f’n retarded.
• Barbaro is now up in that big pasture up in the sky. I’m not going to make “OMG NOW THE GLUE FACTORY HAS A NEW ORDER LOL” but goddamn, ESPN, give it a rest. Stay tuned for “highlights of this magnificent creature”? I’m not going to goof on people getting emotional about the death of an animal, but ESPN doesn’t even act like this most of the time when human athletes tragically leave this planet too early. Barbaro’s owners decided to euthanize the horse after a recent surgery setback, and the decision to do this couldn’t have been an easy one. When my one cat got sick back in September of 2004, the better half and I decided against euthanizing. Did we make the right choice? I don’t know, but we decided that Shadow, who we took in as a stray back in 2001, would go out when he wanted to. And that’s what pretty much happened. One of the lasting memories I have of him was, even with several clumps of fur shaved off from him due to IV and other medical procedures, he crept up behind our female cat one evening and swatted her on her backside, much to her chagrin. Would I do this again? I don’t know. If Dessa, JJ or Max make it to double digits in years, then we’ll probably opt for euthanasia, but when the pet is only four years old, which was the case with Shadow, and is showing the will to live, that’s when I may think otherwise.
1:30 p.m.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). A woman just said that she caught her husband in the middle of a “cyber-affair” with their next-door neighbor. Are we so lazy in this country that we can’t go one house over to cheat on our spouses?
8:30 p.m.
• So I went back to my old stomping ground today to give my co-worker my old microwave. When I was at my old workplace I had a microwave and mini-fridge that kept me from going upstairs. Woo-hoo. Well, when I was leaving, I wasn’t sure if I’d need these gizmos at my new place of employment. Turns out I don’t. And even though I can still find use for my mini-fridge, there’s really no place/use for the microwave, which is why I was more than happy to return this kitchen appliance to my brother from another mother. Anyway, I stopped by in the early morning hours and discovered that my genius ex-bosses were about to have ANOTHER mass envelope stuffing in the next few weeks. Oh think Christ I’m out.
• A while back here I made some crack about Democrats wanting to help out the “middle class” by giving out more food stamps. Well on the drive home the better half began bitching about our junior senator Junior saying the Democrat talking points. Oy vey.
• Yesterday I was watching a few minutes of this hippie documentary about “Who killed the electric car?” I don’t know what it was about – something regarding auto makers taking perfectly good electric cars and scrapping them. Well, the “activists” in this production were shown chasing around trucks carrying these electric cars to the scrap heap. Wow was this hilarious. Now here’s what I wonder: These hippies were angry that GM and Ford and Toyota were terminating the lives of these transportation vehicles before they had a chance to be productive. Wonder if these libs have the same opinion of the unborn getting taking to the “junkyard”? I’m sure they do.
• Hey, remember when Hurricane Katrina hit and the enviro-weenies were telling us that thanks to SUVs and W. that we would get BIGGER and BADDER hurricanes? Uhhhhhhhhhhh.
• So I got Boortz on and this woman is bitching about how she doesn’t like the term “unmarried” and that she would rather be called “single” because “unmarried” implies something wrong like “unhealthy” and “unhappy.” Uh, un-something means “not” and not “bad.” UnAmerican is not American. Anti-American is different. Get over yourself bitch.
• Now this is odd. A straight male figure skater?
• In our household we have three kids: Dessa, JJ, and Max. You were expecting actual children?
We used to have dry kibble available for them to eat at any time, but JJ would always overeat and throw up about half of what he consumed. We’ve had JJ since March of 2001, and every day when we got home from work there would always be piles of vomit on the floor. For years I told the better half we needed to regulate how much they ate, but she never wanted to because Dessa is a “grazer,” meaning she would eat a small amount of food several times throughout the day. Well a few months ago I managed to convince the better half to regulate their feedings. Actually, I think JJ did most of the convincing by throwing up on our bed, which had on it a comforter fresh out of the washing machine.
After a two-week period of limiting what all three of them could eat, there were zero vomit spots on the carpet, and ever since then we’ve been regulating their feeding times. What we do is give them food three times a day: when we wake up at 5:30 a.m., when we get home from work at around 4 p.m. and when we go to bed, which is usually around 9 p.m.
Although there is the occasional vomit pile, these incidents have been greatly reduced. However, this creates another problem. When we are asleep, sometimes JJ wants to be fed and begins scratching a nearby closet, which can get annoying at 3-4 a.m. I keep a squirt bottle on my nightstand and usually a few shots in the direction of the noise solves the problem. But this isn’t always the case, such as what happened last night. When the better half moves my squirt bottle, or if I’m just not in the mood, I’ll get up and trudge over to their feeding area. This brings JJ to the scene, and I’ll scoop him up, take him to the basement stairs, put him down, and lock the door. Sure he cries and scratches that door trying to get out, but the noise isn’t as loud and I can go back to sleep.
The funny thing about last night’s episode is that their current stash of dry food is running low, and I bought an 18-pound back of Meow Mix earlier this week. That bag is lying in the middle of the basement floor. If JJ had any sense he would have went down the steps, opened the bag with his claws and eaten as much as he desired. But sadly he’s not the brightest bulb in the socket.
• When it comes to politics, there are a lot of things that annoy me. One is when the losing side of an election or referendum tells the other side what they should do in regards to policy. This happens quite a bit in regards to newspaper editorial boards. A newspaper publication that has ragged on a particular candidate during an election season suddenly decides it’s important to give this same person “advice” on what they should do in office. Let’s see, the candidate doesn’t agree with anything your editorial board champions and didn’t have your endorsement during the campaign season – now he or she is supposed to take anything you say or recommend seriously? Ha.
But it’s not just newspapers where this sort of thing happens. This afternoon, I was channel surfing and came across a cable news show that had a Democrat and a Republican strategist on talking about whether or not Senate Democrats should try and filibuster the upcoming Alito vote. After the Democrat said his bit, the Republican began suggesting what he thinks Democrats should do, which largely consisted of not going through with the filibuster attempt.
What are you thinking, douche? Don’t tell these people that they are being extreme and look like a bunch of unhinged kooks. Keep your mouth shut and let Ted Kennedy and pals continue to make asses of themselves. This isn’t the 1980s where a “Robert Bork’s America” speech will go unchallenged by an alternative media. Sit back, let the libs try to block Alito’s vote, have RIGHT-WING RADIO and company mock them and reap the rewards at the ’06 ballot box. Believe me, you guys will need all the help you can get for this next election.
10:30 p.m.
• I watched a few entries of Vh1's Top 100 One-Hit Wonders, or whatever it was called. Here's what I don't get. They included people who were part of one musical group and the one big hit they produced, but yet the same artist went on to create other popular songs. For example, House of Pain's "Jump Around" was on this list. (Although their second album was "eh," I liked their third album "Truth Crushed to Earth Shall Rise Again" quite a bit.") During this show, Vh1 said that Everlast went on to have another big hit as a solo artist from his "Whitey Ford Sings the Blues" album. Well then he's not really a one-hit wonder. Sure the House of Pain had one big hit, but Everlast and DJ Lethal have gone on to other successful music endeavors. I would also include that Tom Tom Club group who made "Genius of Love." According to Vh1, when the Talking Heads were taking a break, some members went off to form this group. Once again, I wouldn't consider these people to be "one hit wonders." But maybe I'm just nitpicking. It's late on a Sunday and I'm sleepy. Oh, another thing I learned from watching that Top 100 list – the chick that made that “Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful” died shortly after this song due to breast cancer. Now that was depressing to learn. Yet Keith Richards is still kicking.
• So now bullying has reached the Internet. Fite me u poserz. If you're going to kill yourself because someone calls you a fag on a MySpace page, then perhaps you should squeeze that trigger and end your miserable existence.
• There goes the neighborhood. Now white people are going to have to move even farther away from the city. I can't even begin to imagine what the commute will be like for a sub-suburbanite. You got to admit though, it's pretty bad for those of the ghetto when Mexicans don't even want you live near you. If "white flight" was the term for crackers to high-tail it out of urban areas, I wonder what this will be called -- Making a run for the city limit border?
6 p.m.
• So I’m still in way over my head at the new job. Nothing surprising with that. However, this got a LOL moment for me. For last week’s trip she said for me to include the mileage it took to drive to the airport. Now I already got some per diem check, which was good enough for me. However, the boss also said to include mileage and the $4 parking toll Mrs. kkk had while waiting for my flight to arrive. (Part II of this story, which started on Saturday, will be arriving shortly – just like how my flights were last week.) The boss said to use the federal mileage rate – something like 45 cents per mile. And why did this make me laugh? Would you care to guess what the mileage rate was at my former place of employment? For every guess in the “comments” section I’ll let you know if the correct answer is “higher” or “lower.”
• Uncle Ted endorses a black man for prez. Some feminazi group says this:
At this point, do I really need to make a remark about pondering whether or not leaving someone in the back seat of a car to drown counts as "betrayal"?
Sure I do.
Here's an oldie but goodie...
...hit it.
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.
You take one down,
Your passenger drowns,
98 bottles of beer on the wall...
98 bottles of beer on the wall! 98 bottles of beer!
You take one down,
You hit the town,
97 bottles of beer on the wall...
97 bottles of beer on the wall
97 bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles
should happen to fall
96 bottles of beer on the wall...
96 bottles of beer on the wall! 96 bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles should happen to fall
Forget Mary Jo 'cause she's started to pall
No need to report it, there's no need at all
95 bottles of beer on the wall...
95 hhashurhfajjfj
AIIEEEE!
95 lkkldnfklsdnjsdvhdfw
passh JDFWBA OKVKSN ogjekvirjverlkvuhjwrpihgw
94 dbjfjcovkerhjbchue...
94 bottle of beer on the wall
94 bottles of beer
Take one done
Pass it around
93 bottles of beer on the wall...
92 to bottles of beer on the wall
92 bottles of beer
take one off
give it to Hoff
91 bottles of beer on the wall...
91 bottles of beer on the wall
91 bottles of beer
take one off
give it to Hoff
he-drives-off-a-bridge-IN-ANGER-and-leaves-his-campaign-staffer-in-the-back-seat-to-die-a-miserable-death
90 bottles of beer on the wall...
90 bottles of beer on the wall! 90 bottles of beer!
Take a drink
Watch a young girl sink
89 bottles of beer on the wall...
89 bottles of beer on the wall! 89 bottles of beer!
Drink another and wait
Let her suffocate
88 bottles of beer on the wall...
88 bottles of beer on the wall, 88 bottles of beer.
Off a bridge you drove
Blame it on Karl Rove
87 bottles of beer on the wall...
87 bottles of beer on the wall! 87 bottles of beer!
Guzzle one quick, you drunken old mick,
It's too late for Mary at Chappaquiddick
86 bottles of beer on the wall...
86 bottles of beer on the wall, 86 bottles of beer
Your face is red
This is a great thread
85 bottles of beer on the wall...
85 bottles of beer on the wall, 85 bottles of beer
Drink n' guzzle
Watch the bubbles
84 bottles of beer on the wall...
84 bottles of beer on the wall! 84 bottles of beer!
Swill it on down, you miserable clown
You couldn't possibly get elected anywhere but Massachusetts and at least the President managed to graduate from Harvard rather than being expelled twice for cheating on exams and oh he never cheated on his wife either or tried and failed to have sex with a woman while lying on a restaurant floor in a drunken stupor you disgusting morally leprous decrepit filthy scumbag
83 bottles of beer on the wall...
83 bottles of beer on the wall. 83 bottles of beer.
Get so drunk and you'll soon feel no pain
Bush is much worse than Saddam Hussein
83 bottles of beer on the wall...
82 bottles of beer on the wall. 82 bottles of beer.
My brother Jack nailed chicks with no fear.
If he didn't die, I'd have no career.
81 bottles of beer on the wall...
81 bottles of beer on the wall. 81 bottles of beer.
People who listen to my speeches get no relief.
My puppet Kerry was nearly commander-in-chief
Chug one more while my kidney's functions fall
80 bottles of beer on the wall...
80 bottles of beer on the wall. 80 bottles of beer.
Poor ol' Ted, his kid lost his leg.
But he's a democrat and deserves to suffer, according to crazy Meg.
79 bottles of beer on the wall...
79 bottles of beer on the wall. 79 bottles of beer.
Drug abuse, bootlegging, and cheating on women a lot
Just another day here in Camelot
Fuck you, we're rich and you're not
78 bottles of beer on the wall...
78 bottles of beer on the wall
78 bottles of beer
Fucking christ, his head's the size of a deer!
77 bottles of beer on the wall....
77 bottles of beer on the wall. 77 bottles of beer.
My voters I must scare,
With threatened cuts to Medicare.
76 bottles of beer on the wall...
76 bottles of beer on the wall. 76 bottles of beer.
Women's rights are a cause in which I place much stock.
"Hey, baby, wanna see my bloated cock?
"It's 2 inches long and hard as a rock"
75 bottles of beer on the wall...
75 bottles of beer on the wall, 76 bottles of beer
Care about politics I do not, even so
I'm always down to wreck on another Masshole.
74 bottles of beer on the wall...
74 bottles of beer on the wall. 74 bottles of beer.
I hate to sound daft,
But there's going to be a draft.
73 bottles of beer on the wall...
72 bottles of beer on the wall. 72 bottles of beer.
At least I didn't kill her by driving into a tree.
Did you know that my IQ was only 33?
My face has a startling resemblance to my knee
71 bottles of beer on the wall...
73 bottles of beer on the wall. 73 bottles of beer.
MikeSC had this number but Bush stole it you see
Just like he does with the trust fund for Social Security
71 bottles of beer on the wall...
71 bottles of beer on the wall! 71 bottles of beer!
Saddam Hussein has two dead sons
Ted's son lost his leg and his three brothers were all killed one of his sisters died in a plane crash and his family lobotomized another so she wouldn't embarrass them so we should be kind and understandiiiiiiiiiiiiiing
70 bottles of beer on the wall...
70 bottles of beer on the wall. 70 bottles of beer.
Did you notice that my numbers aren't uniform?
You'd think I was writing my party's platform
69 bottles of beer on the wall...
69 bottles of beer on the wall, 69 bottles of beer
Heh heh, uh heh heh, uh heh he heh
69......
68 bottles of beer on the wall...
68 bottles of beer on the wall, 68 bottles of beer.
Dubs is a democrat,
and still thinks Ted's retarded and fat,
67 bottles of beer on the wall...
67 bottle of beer on the wall. 67 bottles of beer.
I got here through the deaths of Jack, Bobby, and Joe
Man, why couldn't I fuck Marilyn Monroe?
We both drink like fish, don't ya know?
66 bottles of beer on the wall...
66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer
Where the hell are my pants...
....
And the girl...
65 bottles of beer on the wall...
65 bottles of beer on the wall! 65 bottles of beer!
Take one down, don't pass it around
Chug that motherfucker and reach for another
With Uncle Ted, we're out on the town!
Fuck it, we'll never get a fucking drink at this rate
64 bottles of beer on the wall...
64 bottles of beer on the wall, 64 bottles of beer!
Take one down, pass it around
I've fucked my state from my lofty perch
Because my junior is Senator Lurch
63 bottles of beer on the wall...
63 bottles of beer on the wall,
63 bottles of beer,
With fine English gin that my dad smuggled in,
62 bottles of beer on the wall...
62 bottles of beer on the wall. 62 bottles of beer.
My face has become almost comically thick
My nephew, well, he raped a chick
I can't speak English worth a lick
61 bottles of beer on the wall...
61 bottles of beer on the wall,
61 bottles of beer,
Put your sister in bed,
take a pick to her head,
60 bottles of beer on the wall...
60 bottles of beer on the wall,
60 bottles of beer,
Our Party's leadership is in trauma
Good thing we have Osama bin Obama
59 bottles of beer on the wall...
59 bottles of beer on the wall. 59 bottles of beer.
I don't like it when shotguns go "blam!"
Did you know my boy Kerry served in Vietnam?
Only thing I like more than liquor is a great big ham
58 bottles of beer on the wall...
58 bottles of beer on the wall, 58 bottles of beer.
With all that I can muster
This thread I will filibuster
Because it's an assault on my character and America has a time-honored tradition of Democrats filibustering extreme things like civil rights...
Still filibustering...
La la la...
So, how about those Red Sox?...
Is it last call yet?...
Wait, Robert "kkk" Byrd just offered a compromise? Well, shit.
57 bottles of beer on the wall...
57 bottles of beer on the wall, 57 bottles of beer.
KKK's sure was the best,
But let's not put this thread to rest,
56 bottles of beer on the wall...
56 bottles of beer on the wall, 56 bottles of beer
Ted laughed at the girl from the shore,
Let's watch Dubs post whore
55 bottles of beer on the wall...
55 bottles of beer on the wall, 55 bottles of beer
We'll say Roberts' son looks like a dork
So his daddy will end up like Robert Bork
54 bottles of beer on the wall...
54 bottles of beer on the wall, 54 bottles of beer
I think alternative energies are great
As long as they're away from my estate
53 bottles of beer on the wall...
53 bottles of beer on the wall. 53 bottles of beer.
A bitch was trippin in Chappaquiddick
Fuck I think my face was beaten with an ugly stick
52 bottles of beer on the wall...
52 bottles of beer on the wall
52 bottles of beer
Public school is so dear to my heart
But you know that my grandkids would never take part
And I will fight vouchers, shoot 'em down with a dart
Good schools are just for the rich, not the smart,
Keep all the commoners nicely apart,
But go on and vote for me when November starts,
I've gone for six lines and still haven't used 'fart,'
I've whittled hypocrisy down to an art...(whew, long one!)
...51 bottles of beer on the wall...
51 bottles of beer on the wall, 51 bottles of beer.
In Robert Bork's America we'd have no civil right
Which is why Robert's nomination we'll continue to fight
50 bottles of beer on the wall...
50 bottles of beer on the wall
50 bottles of beer
I hope this doesn't sound odd
But I could go for a waitress sandwich with Dodd
49 bottles of beer on the wall...
49 bottles of beer on the wall
49 bottles of beer
Please don't be rude and yawn
When I say Iraq is Bush's Vietnam
48 bottles of beer on the wall...
48 bottles of beer on the wall
48 bottles of beer
If you think I've drunk a lot in life
then you should see my ex-wife!
47 bottles of beer on the wall...
47 bottles of beer on the wall.
47 bottles of beer
I love alternative energy and so should you
just so long as it doesn't block my view
46 bottles of beer on the wall...
46 bottles of beer on the wall
46 bottles of beer
I ate chips of paint made from lead
Lord knows I'm not under fed
The only thing bigger than my ego is my head
I'm too fat to get chicks into bed
My speech is worse than Hillbilly Jed
I'm so worthless that I'd be better of dead
45 bottles of beer...
45 bottles of beet on the wall, 45 bottles of beer!
Why did God take John and Rob Kennedy?
Yet, I'll probably live 'till I'm 103?
44 bottles of beer on the wall...
44 bottles of beer on the wall
44 bottles of beer on the wall
i'm drunk has hell
know Mary Jo's dead
43 bottles of beer on the wall...
43 bottles of beer on the wall.
43 bottles of beer.
Fuck you, I'm drinking.
Cock smoker
42 bottles of beer on the wall...
41 bottles of beer on the wall
41 bottle of beer
my pops hated jews
now get me another brew
41 bottle of beer on the wall...
40 bottles of beer on the wall
40 bottles of beer
Some call me a murderous drunken Mick
But I wear, I drove off the bridge because she was sucking my dick
After she drowned I went back to the party and drank till I was sick
39 bottles of beer on the wall...
39 bottles of beer on the wall
39 bottles of beer
Ann Coulter wrote about me this week driving off a cliff
But those records are sealed, since I'm a hypocritical stiff
38 bottles of beer on the wall...
38 bottles of beer on the wall, 38 bottles of beer
It's really bad that a levee had to fail
But I have a court nominee to nail
37 bottles of beer on the wall...
37 bottles of beer on the wall, 37 bottles of beer
For all those drowned (during Katrinia) I'll yell at Bush for failing to react
Woah, wait a second. How ironic is that?
36 bottles of beer on the wall...
36 bottles of beer on the wall. 36 bottles of beer.
A nuclear energy industry is evil, really evil by far
Even though it's killed fewer people than my car
35 bottles of beer on the wall...
35 bottles of beer on the wall
35 bottle of beer
while right know i'm totally shitfaced
my nephew Bobby is a total disgrace
34 bottles of beer on the wall...
34 bottles of beer on the wall
34 bottle of beer
I'm babbling in front of a Chief Justice nominee
All his legal answers don't matter to me
I will still vote "no" because he's a facist Nazi
Because I'm all about the working family
33 bottles of beer on the wall...
33 bottles of beer on the wall
33 bottle of beer
This poster Matt Young I do not know
But I wish he was in that car with me and Mary Jo
32 bottles of beer on the wall...
32 bottles of beer on the wall,
32 bottles of beer.
I'll never mope,
I've got an indulgence from the Pope.
31 bottles of beer on the wall...
31 bottles of beer on the wall.
31 bottles of beer
I hate that Enron's collapse nearly made the economy crash
Shame my dad did worse to get his cash
30 bottles of beer on the wall...
THIR - TY BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
THIR - TY BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
SEEK! LO - CATE! EX - TER - MIN - ATE!
ALL RA - CES ARE IN - FE - RI -OR TO THE DAAAL - EKS!
TWEN - TY - NINE BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL...
29 bottles of beer on the wall. 29 FUCKING BOTTLES OF BEER!
WHAT THE HELL ARE THE HAWKS DOING? JESUS CHRIST, NO DAMNED POINT GUARDS?
No...FUCK Ted Kennedy. THIS is BULLSHIT!
28 bottles of beer on the wall...
28 bottles of beer on the wall, 28 bottles of beer.
Let's get this fucking thread over with because the same people posting here are complaining about Matt Young Appreciation Day SINCE THE HUMOR HERE IS SO STERLING AND GENIUS
3 27 bottles of beer on the wall...
27 bottles of beer on the wall. 27 bottles of beer.
Greengrocer can't count too well.
God knows what made Teddy's face swell.
26 bottles of beer on the wall...
26 bottles of beer on the wall. 26 bottles of beer.
Perhaps Greengrocer needs a v-chip for this thread
Because simply ignoring it by not clicking on its link must cause him dread
Oh yeah -- the senior Masshole Senator -- I can't wait until he's dead
26 bottles of beer on the wall...
(assuming) 26 bottles of beer on the wall, (assuming) 26 bottles of beer.
kkk forgot to subtract,
The universe is constantly in a quantum state,
Nothing can truly be called "knowable."
Life is ephemal, fleeting; all men die.
Subatomic particles wink in and out of existence, without purpose, without meaning.
i bottles of beer on the wall...
26 bottles of beer on the wall. 26 bottles of beer.
Thanks to my miscount, this order is distorted
Good thing Ted's pro-choice, so my last post is aborted
25 bottles of beer on the wall...
25 bottles of beer on the wall. 25 bottles of beer.
I tried to save a group from drowning with a friend and myself
This joke can write itself:
24 bottles of beer on the wall...
24 bottles of beer on the wall
24 bottles of beer
Harriet Miers would be a better nominee
If she'd just go for a ride with me
23 bottles of beer on the wall...
23 bottles of beer on the wall
23 bottles of beer
Though my liver is swelling and my BAC is gaining
For a drunkard like me, this is only pregaming
22 bottles of beer on the wall...
0 bottles of beer on the wall
0 bottles of beer...
you actually think that this drunken mick would let all this beer stay on the wall for this long?
22 bottles of beer on the wall. 22 bottles of beer.
True, they were all gone, as fast as a comet
But they're all back because I had to vomit
21 bottles of beer on the wall...
21 bottles of beer on the wall, 21 bottles of beer
BLACKJACK MOTHERFUCKER!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
20 bottles of beer on the wall...
20 bottles of beer on the wall, 20 bottles of beer
At least when I get drunk I DON'T FUCKING KILL PEOPLE YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT
19 bottles of beer on the wall...
19 bottles of beer on the wall, 19 bottles of beer
This thread was never funny except for Grocer and Sandman's jabs
Drawing a blank here, um... Jesus was really an A-rab
18 bottles of beer on the wall...
18 bottles of beer on the wall, 18 bottles of beer
I said for the Supreme Court Democrats don't do a litmus test
We look for candidates that are the very best
17 bottles of beer on the wall...
Aw hell, I need another brew for that last line of bullshit.
16 bottles of beer on the wall...
16 bottles of beer on the wall, 16 bottles of beer
Fat blimp ruins land
Whale brings shame to all people
Shut his huge pie hole
15 bottles of beer on the wal...
15 bottles of beer on the wall, 15 bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles should happen to fall
Then you will see a fat man bawl
14 bottles of beer on the wall...
14 bottles of beer on the wall, 14 bottles of beer
Bush lied about Iraq and we're keeping score
And please ignore all of the things we said before
13 bottles of beer on the wall...
13 bottles of beer on the wall, 13 bottles of beer.
Iraq is stockpiled with WMD and a hotbed for terror
Wait, it's '05, not '98, so sorry for the error
12 bottles of beer on the wall...
12 bottles of beer on the wall, 12 bottles of beer
Extremist Judge Al-lee-go doesn't think strip-searching a kid will scar her for life
It's even worse than drowning someone who isn't your wife
11 bottles of beer on the wall...
11 bottles of beer on the wall, 11 bottles of beer.
My children's book follows a day in my life,
I get drunk before noon and then cheat on my wife.
10 bottles of beer on the wall...
10 bottles of beer on the wall! 10 bottles of beer!
10 year-old girl was strip-searched and it "scarred" her
Oh how I wish they had let me guard her
9 bottles of beer on the wall...
9 bottles of beer on the wall, 9 bottles of beer.
As I get drunk, I talked a lot louda,
Er ah, er ah, Chowda, CHOWDA, CHOWDA
8 bottles of beer on the wall...
8 bottles of beer on the wall, 8 bottles of beer
Smashed during hearings makes them so much better
You can tell by my face getting redder
7 bottles of beer on the wall...
7 bottles of beer on the wall,
7 bottles of beer,
These GOP scumbags are far-right extremists,
But later this year they're still gonna cream us, EDIT: Uh, no
6 bottles of beer on the wall...
6 bottles of beer on the wall,
6 bottles of beer
I make judges' wives drown in their tears
And I don't have to drive or shift gears
5 bottles of beer on the wall...
5 bottles of beer on the wall,
5 bottles of beer!
I've had fun treating Judge Alito like a prick
Even though he could shut me up by saying, "Chappaquiddick,"
4 bottles of beer on the wall...
4 bottles of beer on the wall
4 bottles of beer
I'm bringing my children's book about Washington DC, to a 1st grad class
It's too damn bad, I couldn't save Mary Jo's ass.
3 bottles of beer on the wall...
3 bottles of beer on the wall,
3 bottles of beer,
30-plus years of being a drunk fatto,
Living in the depths of my dead brothers' shadow,
2 bottles of beer on the wall...
2 bottles of beer on the wall,
2 bottles of beer
Now it's last call and the drinks are on me
But you have to have a nice ass or size 34 D
1 more bottle of beer on the wall...
1 bottle of beer on the wall,
1 bottle of beer
The wall is bankrupt from what I can see
Just like George W. Bush's economy
No more bottles of beer on the wall!
I'm headed to the store, I'll be back.
Well, this isn't going to end well. Here we go again.
*Still preparing the Pete Rock remix.*
It was early 2004, and the better half and I were living in sin at our third residence. This place was a duplex that had more things going wrong with it than going right. Among some problems included an insect infestation, no central air and drains that refused to do their job; we weren't enjoying our stay at this place. The final straw came when the spring rains arrived and we heard a dripping noise above us as we went to bed one night. We soon discovered that the roof had several leaks. Realizing our landlord wouldn't get around to dealing with this problem until the roof resembled Texas Stadium, both of us agreed it was time to look for a house of our own to buy.
We had talked about getting a house for a while, but we had always put it off until "later." That dripping noise, among the other hassles we endured while being tenants in this duplex, told us that "later" was "now." Before we began our search we decided on what we wanted out of our new home. We weren't that picky in what we deemed "necessary." We wanted a house with several bedrooms -- not because we were going to pop out a litter of kids, but rather we heard/read from several sources that houses with at least three bedrooms have a higher resale value than those that don’t. Central air was also a necessity for us, having stayed in several places that didn't have this feature, we realized its value when we lived in a townhouse that had it running during the summer months. The third requirement was that we didn't want to move into a different county. We live in Westmoreland County, which is in southwest Pennsylvania and next to Allegheny County, home to Shittsburgh and a horrendous property assessment system.
Once we established these parameters, we found out how much money we would be pre-approved for when applying for a mortgage. When we got this figure, we began looking at local houses for sale on several Internet sites. After about a week of looking at a variety of homes, we called our realtor and arranged a tour of about a half-dozen houses that matched our criteria. In a few days, we set out on our house-hunting excursion.
If you're house shopping for the first time, it's important not to set yourself up for a deadline. Just keep looking until you find something that interests you. As we went from house-to-house, nothing was really doing much for us. One house had a backyard that required you to go up several flights of stairs access; the better half also thought the place was haunted. Another house hadn't been kept up for a while and had that white-trash odor of pee mixed with spoiled food. Visiting this house actually angered me because it was a fairly large structure and in a nice neighborhood. The rest of the homes we toured were nice, but they just didn't have everything we were looking for. If one looked good on the outside, it was too small for our liking. If another had several bedrooms, it was located in a bad area, such as a busy intersection with no driveway. However, instead of getting frustrated, I was enjoying myself. With every passing "For Sale" sign, I began getting a better picture of what I wanted in my eventual home.
The better half and I didn't find anything that really interested us in our first two tours with the realtor, and we were batting 0-for-4 on our third trip. Then we went to this one house we originally weren't planning on looking at because its ad said it was 50+ years old and didn't have central air. But since it was on the way from one house we were looking at to another we were heading toward, we figured what the heck. After all, if it really tickled our fancy, we could always get the central air installed. However, the other thing that worried us was the house’s age: it was at least 30 years older than every other one we had seen. As we pulled up to this house, the first thing that caught my eye was a central air unit planted to the right of the house. I thought to myself this could be interesting.
Even though this house was the oldest we had looked at, it was by far one of the sturdiest and nicely kept out of the dozen-plus we had previously viewed. As we went from room-to-room in this four-bedroom colonial, we said to each other that this was the one for us. After looking at the rest of the houses on our list for the day, we ultimately decided to pursue this one.
A few months later, after a credit check, some minor home improvements and a LOT of paperwork, the house was ours. It's definitely more expensive to own a home than it is to rent, but so far the investment is worth every penny. Even though there are more expenses, including property taxes and insurance, the fact that you are spending your money on a mortgage instead of a landlord gives you a greater feeling of independence, even though this "freedom" means that you will be living in the same place for 15-30 years. Thinking of the approximately $700 in rent we paid every month for five years, I cringe when I calculate how much money was flushed down the toilet instead of being put into equity.
Home ownership is another sign you are maturing, at least in society's eyes if not your own. You are no longer living in a room or basement while your parents pay for everything from food to utilities. And instead of renting, where you pass off problems to a landlord or maintenance crew, with your own home you're responsible for all repairs. Heater on the fritz? That's your problem. Leaky roof? Too bad. Basement flooded? Get a bucket and start scooping.
But even with these added responsibilities, I wouldn't trade my little piece of Americana for anything. Owning a home really makes you feel like you've "made" it, and that feeling will continue until you sell it or your local government takes your property for some public works project or hands the deed over to some private developer for the "greater good."
And for those wondering, here is the result of my house search.
11 p.m.
• Even though the guy's a commie, I like Mellencamp's older work: "Check it Out," "Authority Song," "Jack and Diane," all that shit. I began to get disinterested in his stuff around the early- to mid-'90s, although some of this stuff is more than listenable for me. "Our Country" isn't one of those songs.
Here are the middle stanzas in question. I'm surprised these lyrics aren't featured on any of the Chevy ads that I have seen at least 100 times.
5 p.m.
• I don't know what's funner -- listening to the Beast sing or reading the comments to this piece of video. Whenever this gets played, I do one of two things: put my hand over my heart and look at a nearby Old Glory, or put my head down in a moment of thought/meditation out of respect for those that helped make this United States of America. The latter is usually done if there is no flag to be seen. I NEVER sing. Here are some of the funnier comments.
10:30 a.m.
• Someone in a thread at the other place was talking about working in the restaurant business and the asshole customers who unnecessarily rag on the help just for a power trip. This got me the thinking: I’m a pretty good restaurant customer. All I want is a booth, a menu, a correct order and a refill or two. Other than that, leave me alone. I don’t want any small talk. I don’t care to know how you’re doing. I don’t want to tell you how I am – what if I truly decide to tell you how I’m doing? Will you really care? What if my dog died, my mother was just diagnosed with cancer and I lost my job to somebody named Pedro down south because he’ll work for $1/hour? What are you going to do for me besides tell me what the soup of the day is? Gag I hate small talk. Oh, yeah. Upon reading this topic I got the thinking to the times when I was the asshole customer, and I came up with four incidents.
Incident 1: The Middletown, Ohio, Applebee’s. The better half and I were waiting for about 10 minutes for someone to take our order. No problem, the place was busy. We then waited about a half-hour for our food. No problem, the place was busy. There was a problem, however, when Mrs. kkk tried to eat her gyro/pita/whatever it was. The tortilla wrapped around her food was a bit, shall we say, stiff. It was so hard that neither of us could get the toothpick that was lodged in it out. This was brought to the attention of the waitress, who in turn brought it to the attention of the manager who in turn gave us a free meal and dessert. During the whole ordeal neither of us complained and we gave the waitress a nice tip due to our free food.
Incident 2: The same place on the very next trip. I forget what exactly happened to the better half’s order, but they forgot to put any sauce at all on my chicken wings. Once again, no problems.
These two incidents above were times when I had to complain about the food. I wasn't bitching about the service. When you can't get a toothpick out of your sandwich you HAVE to say something. And then there are the two experiences below.
Incident 3: The Middletown, Ohio, Steak & Shake. I never cared for this place, but the better half liked its hamburgers (or was it milkshakes?). Well one time we got waited on by this person who couldn’t have been much older than 18. Now he had this lackadaisical I-don’t-want-to-be-here attitude, which is fine by me considering I have probably looked this way to a customer or two during my dead-end job days. However, when he took our order without even writing anything down, I began to get a little annoyed. I try not to be a picky eater, but I cannot eat onions. They make me sick. Well anyway, I ordered a burger without this wretched topping along with a side order (I can’t remember what it was) that also came with onions. As this kid began to walk away I asked him if he should be writing our order down. He said no that it was “all up here” and pointed to his head. It may have been “all up here” while he was at our table, but it must have been dropped by the time he went to place our order. Neither item I ordered was correct, and I pointed this out. He then acted like I didn’t tell him that I didn’t want onions on any of my food, to which I replied, “Well maybe if you would have written my order down you would have remembered.” What did I do in retaliation? I didn’t leave a tip. That’s all.
Incident 4: The Greensburg, Pa., T.G.I.F. I don’t like Friday’s, which is odd because all these cookie-cutter chain restaurants are the same. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. However, Mrs. kkk wanted to go here one day so I figured what the heck. Our waiter was a real piece of work. Not only did he so not want to be at work on that Sunday afternoon, but also he especially didn’t want to be at our table. I can’t remember how long we waited to order our food, to get our food, to get a refill and to get our check, but I knew it had to be a long time. How do I know this? The people sitting around us were also complaining about the service of this guy. In fact, during our wait for the check, this couple was seated across from us and began complaining about when someone was going to take their order. I can sympathize with a food-service employee when one customer wants to be waited on as if they were the president, but when you have an entire section of patrons waiting for things like, say, the food or the bill, then I think the onus is on the employee and not the customer. What did I do? I left a $0.02 tip on the credit slip with something like, “Find another job because you’re no good at this one.”
There you go. Four bad restaurant service stories in nearly 31 years of living. Not a bad track record if I do say so myself. There may have been other incidents, but I can’t think of them now so they probably weren’t all that big a deal anyway. I should state for the record that I have been an asshole customer in other endeavors, such as the time I told a grocery store bagboy to die of cancer, but that’s another industry for another time.
• This week Parade Magazine presented us with the World's 10 Worst Dictators. Although a list of the World's 10 Nicest Dictators would have been a more interesting read, I took a look at who made the list this year. The results weren't that surprising: Omar al-Bashir of Sudan and Kim Jong-il of North Korea topped the list, followed by a bunch of people whose countries I've never heard of before and whose country's names will probably change in a week or two after the next "people's uprising" or civil war.
One popular face on this list, Fidel Castro, from everybody's favorite commie island for forbidden cigars, dropped a few spots this year, probably in part to Cuba's improving economy from the hit it took due to the Soviet Union going under. Oh, and big ups to Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan, who leapfrogged from fifteen to the number five spot. I look for him to do even bigger and better things next year. Thank goodness I was recently able to get him in my Fantasy Dictator League, and all I had to give up was some general in the Congo who got killed several revolutions ago (I had him on injured reserve) -- sometimes it pays to be in a league with people who get their news from state-run media agencies.
• Did you know that giving out pork soup is one of the worst things you can do to a homeless Muslim male? Well, it is. Looks like there will be another riot going on in France if the Frenchies don't get their act together and start giving out some inoffensive nourishment. Here's my favorite part of the article:
And here I thought it would be discriminatory to outright refuse to give Ahmed the soup. I'm sure Allah won't be that upset if one of his followers consumes pork soup to stay alive. Well, Allah will probably get a little peeved, but after offing a few infidels, I'm sure the big guy will let it slide, especially if Ahmed gets healthy enough to blow himself up in a nightclub or public square.
• Being the ignorant American that I am, I don't know much about England's politics. However, I must admit to regularly watching video of their Parliament in action on C-Span. For 30 minutes every week, I can see Tony Blair stand up in the middle of a crowded auditorium, holding that huge binder of his, and listen to critics say how much he sucks as a leader. It actually makes for entertaining television, and many times Blair usually slaps back his critics by saying "Yeah, well you suck even more," which usually brings about a bunch of hootin' and hollerin' from the gallery.
Anyway, the reason I brought this up is because the
Liberal Democrat Party looks to be in some trouble. Some bigwig named Simon Hughes recently admitted that he has had homosexual and heterosexual relationships, after initially denying that he was gay. My question here is why did Hughes lie in the first place? I'm sure "liberal" across the Pond might have some differences with the "liberal" over in the States, but wouldn't this sort of acknowledgement make him more popular with his base?
• Remember that red diaper doper baby judge in Vermont who gave a repeated child rapist 60 days in jail? Well, now he's getting tough. He's upped the sentence to at least three years. Easy there big guy. Don't go off the edge just yet. What if this rapist says he's sorry? Then I'll bet you'll feel bad for locking him up until 2009.
Sure I can get pissed off with this shithead judge, but here's something from the first article I linked to that enrages me even more:
At least eight years? This is the prosecutor talking here, not the guy's defense lawyer. How about at least eight bullets to the head? If you think about it, the judge just met the prosecutors halfway on this case.
• And finally, on a somber note, we must say goodbye to adult performer Anna Malle, who recently died in a car accident. For some reason, if she were to die in a vehicle-related incident, I had always pictured her passing away in the middle of a train.
5 p.m.
• Yesterday I was listening to Mark Madden’s local radio show, and he brought up this article on ESPN.com that ranked all 80 Super Bowl teams. Normally I don’t care for stupid lists/rankings like this, but for some reason I was intrigued. Below is ESPN’s rankings, followed by a comment about each team. The entire list and full commentary about each team can be found here.
80) 1979 LOS ANGELES RAMS
The Rams led the NFL in interceptions thrown in '79, with four different QBs contributing.
79) 2003 CAROLINA PANTHERS
The Panthers barely outscored their opponents during the regular season (seven of their 11 wins were by three points or less) despite a pretty easy schedule – only six games against .500-or-better teams.
78) 2000 NEW YORK GIANTS
The Giants were strong on D, especially against the run (allowing just 3.2 yards per carry) and did beat the Eagles three times, but won a weak conference and lacked star power (only two Pro Bowlers).
77) 1982 MIAMI DOLPHINS
The Dolphins were 19th in total yards, making them one of the worst offensive teams to reach the Super Bowl.
76) 1985 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
QB Tony Eason had more picks than TDs (17 to 11).
75) 1986 DENVER BRONCOS
How did they reach Super Bowl with such mediocre team statistical rankings? Oh yeah, they beat a Marty Schottenheimer-coached team in the AFC title game.
74) 1996 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
It certainly wasn't a great team and was helped when 9-7 Jacksonville knocked off 13-3 Denver in the divisional round.
73) 1993 BUFFALO BILLS
Despite a 12-4 record, this team had slipped substantially from previous years.
72) 1999 TENNESSEE TITANS
Despite its 13-3 record, there were some smoke and mirrors involved since the Titans barely outgained their opponents and didn't dominate any statistical category.
71) 1994 SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
This team takes its lumps because of the pummeling it took in the Super Bowl against one of the finest offenses ever assembled.
70) 1970 DALLAS COWBOYS
They went just 3-4 against teams .500 or better, including drubbings of 38-0 and 54-13.
69) 1988 CINCINNATI BENGALS
They allowed the second-most points of any playoff teams, and while three of Cincinnati's four losses were by seven or fewer points, the fourth was a 35-point defeat at Houston with home-field advantage and the playoffs still at stake.
68) 1995 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Their leading rusher was Erric Pegram, and they lost three games by 13 or more points.
67) 1966 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Len Dawson compiled the second-best passer rating of his Hall of Fame career.
66) 1992 BUFFALO BILLS
The Bills had excellent rankings in the major categories, with the exception of 13th in yards allowed.
65) 1974 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
This team lost by more than four points only once, but laid an egg in the Super Bowl, compiling a mere 119 net yards and scoring only on a blocked punt recovered in the end zone.
64) 1987 DENVER BRONCOS
After allowing more than 30 points just once in 12 nonstrike games, Denver coughed up a combined 75 in the AFC Championship Game and the Super Bowl.
63) 1975 DALLAS COWBOYS
Staubach didn't have one of his better seasons statistically (16 picks), and the Cowboys had the worst record among NFC playoff participants.
62) 1981 CINCINNATI BENGALS
The Bengals held the NFL's highest-scoring team, the Chargers, to a single touchdown in the AFC Championship Game – the coldest contest in league history at minus-9 degrees with a wind chill of minus-59.
61) 1977 DENVER BRONCOS
Denver had neither a 500-yard rusher nor a 30-catch wide receiver, but still went 8-2 against opponents .500 or better.
60) 1973 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
The Vikings allowed the second-fewest points in the NFL, but ranked toward the middle of the pack in yards allowed.
59) 1972 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
The Redskins enjoyed solid performances from Billy Kilmer and Larry Brown, but their offense ranked just 11th in total yardage.
58) 1989 DENVER BRONCOS
Yes, this team was the victim of the largest blowout in Super Bowl history. Because of that drubbing, many fans forget that the Broncos allowed the fewest points in the league in '89.
57) 2002 OAKLAND RAIDERS: The Raiders faced a difficult schedule, going 9-4 against teams .500 or better. But they lost four straight at one point, and were woefully unprepared for Tampa Bay in the Super Bowl.
56) 1971 MIAMI DOLPHINS
Offensively, Bob Griese compiled the highest passer rating of his career, and Larry Csonka had the first of three consecutive 1,000-yard rushing seasons.
55) 1967 OAKLAND RAIDERS
The Raiders did nothing for the credibility of the upstart league by losing convincingly to a Packers team that was in decline and coming off the "Ice Bowl."
54) 1980 PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Philadelphia loses style points for dropping three of its last four regular-season games and for going just 4-3 against teams with a record of at least .500.
53) 1976 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
The Vikings were just 2-2-1 against teams .500 or better in playing a weak schedule and the defense was 21st in average yards per rush.
52) 1991 BUFFALO BILLS
Amazingly, this Bills defense allowed the second-most yardage in the league.
51) 1970 BALTIMORE COLTS
The Colts had the second-easiest strength of schedule among postmerger Super Bowl teams, losing two of their three games against .500-plus teams -- by 20 and 17 points.
50) 2005 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
What does it say about Seattle that it became the only team to outgain and commit fewer turnovers than its Super Bowl opponent and still lose?
49) 1968 NEW YORK JETS
The Jets had just the third-best record in the AFL that season. Namath completed fewer than 50 percent of his passes, throwing more interceptions than touchdowns.
48) 1967 GREEN BAY PACKERS
This team gets docked for ranking just ninth out of 16 NFL teams in points and yards gained.
47) 2001 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
The Patriots had poor rankings in offensive and defensive yardage (outgained overall).
46) 2004 PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
This team was near the top of the league in just one major statistical category, fewest points allowed, and it played just two teams in the regular season with records above .500.
45) 1969 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Minnesota was just 10th out of 16 teams in yards but still led the NFL in scoring (yeah, those league-leading 30 interceptions helped).
44) 1998 ATLANTA FALCONS
Atlanta knocked out the highest-scoring team in NFL history in the NFC Championship Game. Its only two losses came against 12-4 teams.
43) 1990 BUFFALO BILLS
Despite possessing the ball for less than 20 minutes, the Bills narrowly lost as Scott Norwood's 47-yard field-goal attempt sailed wide right.
42) 1988 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Although the Niners lost six games in Bill Walsh's final season, they went 6-3 against .500 or better teams and easily won their first two postseason games (34-9 and 28-3).
41) 2005 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The Steelers hit their stride at the right time and won the Super Bowl as a wild card after winning their final four regular-season games to qualify for the playoffs.
40) 1980 OAKLAND RAIDERS
Ordinary statistically (they relied on a league-leading 35 interceptions, including 13 by Lester Hayes), the Raiders ramped things up in the postseason.
39) 1982 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Despite allowing the fewest points in the NFL during a nine-game, strike-shortened regular season, Washington was a three-point underdog in the Super Bowl.
38) 1969 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The Chiefs didn't even win their division, getting swept by the Raiders and losing to the second-year Bengals. Their primary quarterback, Len Dawson, threw 13 interceptions and just nine touchdowns.
37) 1997 GREEN BAY PACKERS
The Packers went 7-1 against teams with a record of .500 or better. But the Pack had one weakness: stopping the run. Terrell Davis rushed for 157 yards and three TDs and Denver had the upset.
36) 1968 BALTIMORE COLTS
It allowed the fewest points in the NFL and ranked No. 2 in points scored. Its only loss came against Cleveland, a division champion.
35) 2002 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Defense, defense, defense. Tampa Bay's offensive rankings were even worse than those of the 2000 Ravens.
34) 1984 MIAMI DOLPHINS
Wide receivers Mark Clayton and Mark Duper each topped 70 receptions and 1,300 yards as the Dolphins scored more touchdowns than any team in NFL history (70).
33) 1990 NEW YORK GIANTS
How did the Giants win? They didn't make mistakes, committing just 14 turnovers -- the fewest since the NFL went to a 16-game schedule in 1978.
32) 2003 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
New England's stout defense made up for a pedestrian offense, as the Patriots allowed the fewest points in the league for the only time in franchise history.
31) 1974 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Pittsburgh made up for its lack of a strong passing attack by pounding the ball effectively on the ground.
30) 1987 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Washington entered the playoffs with a quarterback controversy and a defense ranked 18th in yards allowed. It had just the third-best record in the NFC, even with a soft schedule and a 3-0 mark in games involving replacement players.
29) 2000 BALTIMORE RAVENS
Statistically, this was the best defense in NFL history (the Ravens allowed 33 fewer points than the '85 Bears).
28) 1983 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Something often overlooked regarding this team is its ordinary defense, which ranked 11th in points allowed and 12th in yards allowed and featured just one Pro Bowler (Dave Butz).
27) 1983 LOS ANGELES RAIDERS
The impressive Super Bowl win helps vault this team to No. 27 despite some shaky times during the regular season (the Raiders allowed more than 30 points five times).
26) 1995 DALLAS COWBOYS
This team equaled the 8-2 mark against teams .500 or better of the '93 Cowboys and had 10 players named to the Pro Bowl.
25) 1981 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Despite the reputation of the 49ers' passing attack, with Joe Montana, Dwight Clark and Freddie Solomon, the team's defense was actually more impressive, ranking No. 2 in the NFL in points and yards allowed.
24) 1977 DALLAS COWBOYS
Dallas' defense wasn't as stout as it would be the following year, as it ranked eighth in points allowed, five spots lower than in '78.
23) 2001 ST. LOUIS RAMS
St. Louis ranked No. 1 in the NFL in points scored (despite committing the most turnovers in the league) and offensive yardage and third in the league in yards allowed – 21 spots ahead of the Pats.
22) 1966 GREEN BAY PACKERS
The '66 team was pretty mediocre on offense, ranking in the middle of the NFL pack in yards gained, and its leading rusher, Jim Taylor, averaged just 3.5 yards per carry.
21) 1973 MIAMI DOLPHINS
The '66 team was pretty mediocre on offense, ranking in the middle of the NFL pack in yards gained, and its leading rusher, Jim Taylor, averaged just 3.5 yards per carry.
20) 1997 DENVER BRONCOS
The balanced Broncos ranked No. 1 in the NFL in points and offensive yardage, and its defense allowed the fifth-fewest yards in the league.
19) 1978 DALLAS COWBOYS
The Cowboys ranked No. 1 in points scored and No. 3 in fewest points allowed, and they narrowly lost to one of the greatest teams in NFL history in the Super Bowl.
18) 1976 OAKLAND RAIDERS
A less-than-impressive 113-point scoring differential means the Raiders pulled out a lot of squeakers – they won five games by four points or less – and their biggest win was 49-16 over the 0-14 expansion Bucs.
17) 1993 DALLAS COWBOYS
All three of their postseason victories were by double figures, including wins over a young Brett Favre and the Steve Young-led Niners in the NFC title game.
16) 1979 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The Steelers lose style points for 34-10 and 35-7 losses in the regular season and for letting a 9-7 opponent take the lead into the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl.
15) 1971 DALLAS COWBOYS
Roger Staubach compiled a career-best passer rating, and the Cowboys won their last seven regular-season games after Landry made Staubach the unquestioned starter over Craig Morton.
14) 1999 ST. LOUIS RAMS
The knock on this team was its easy schedule. It went 3-2 against teams .500 or better, and they played two close postseason games.
13) 1975 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The Steelers held their opponents to 10 points or fewer 10 times in 17 total games.
12) 1998 DENVER BRONCOS
John Elway compiled the best passer rating of his career, and Terrell Davis became the only NFL player to rush for 2,000 yards and 20 touchdowns in the same season.
11) 1994 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Over its final 13 games (including the playoffs), it scored more than 40 six times and less than 30 just twice, and one of those was the season finale – which the Niners lost – when Young and Jerry Rice were benched after the first quarter.
10) 1991 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Their point differential (+261) is tied for second-best since the 16-game schedule began. They lost two games by a combined five points, and one of those came in the final game.
9) 2004 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
The stats are strong on both sides of the ball, the two losses were on the road to 15-1 Pittsburgh and by one point to Miami, and they were 9-1 against .500 or better teams.
8) 1986 NEW YORK GIANTS
For those of you who think we have this team ranked too high, we offer five words: Lawrence Taylor in his prime.
7) 1972 MIAMI DOLPHINS
The Dolphins played the easiest schedule of all 80 Super Bowl participants, and their passing game was ordinary.
6) 1996 GREEN BAY PACKERS
The '96 Packers are one of two postmerger Super Bowl participants to lead the NFL in points scored while allowing the fewest points.
5) 1984 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Joe Montana was entering his prime and enjoyed the first of three seasons with a passer rating higher than 100.
4) 1992 DALLAS COWBOYS
The only knock against this team is its soft schedule, which is the sixth-easiest of any Super Bowl participant since the AFL-NFL merger.
3) 1978 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Pittsburgh's two losses were by a total of 10 points, and both defeats came against playoff qualifiers.
2) 1985 CHICAGO BEARS
The Bears won 14 games by double digits, including three dominant postseason performances.
1) 1989 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
This team gets our nod due to its excellence on both sides of the ball, mind-boggling statistics and perhaps the most dominant postseason run in NFL history.
Like I said before, I usually don’t care about “Who is/what team is the greatest of all-time?” but I decided to do a little calculating. Below is a list of each Super Bowl game and the competitiveness of each matchup. What I did was take each Super Bowl game, took the team that was higher ranked (the worse team in rankings, as according to ESPN) and subtracted it from the other team’s rank. The higher the score, the bigger the mismatch, according to ESPN. For example, the biggest mismatch was in 1985 with the second-ranked Bears clobbering the 76th-ranked Patriots. I included the final score of each game, too.
Strength-of-Team Differentials
High Score: 74
Low Score: 1
Average Score: 36.8
1985: 74 Score
Bears (2), Patriots (76)
Chicago 46, New England 10
1996: 68 Score
Packers (6), Patriots (74)
Green Bay 35, New England 21
1986: 67 Score
Giants (8), Broncos (75)
N.Y. Giants 39, Denver 20
1979: 64 Score
Steelers (16), Rams (80)
Pittsburgh 31, L.A. Rams 19
1992: 62 Score
Cowboys (4), Bills (66)
Dallas 52, Buffalo 17
1994: 60 Score
49ers (11), Chargers (71)
San Francisco 49, San Diego 26
1999: 58 Score
Rams (14), Titans (72)
St. Louis 23, Tennessee 16
1989: 57 Score
49ers (1), Broncos (58)
San Francisco 55, Denver 10
1993: 56 Score
Cowboys (17), Bills (73)
Dallas 30, Buffalo 13
1972: 52 Score
Dolphins (7), Redskins (59)
Miami 14, Washington 7
1975: 50 Score
Steelers (13), Cowboys (63)
Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17
2000: 49 Score
Ravens (29), Giants (78)
Baltimore 34, N.Y. Giants 7
2003: 47 Score
Patriots (32), Panthers (79)
New England 32, Carolina 29
1966: 45 Score
Packers (22), Chiefs (67)
Green Bay 35, Kansas City 10
1991: 42 Score
Redskins (10), Bills (52)
Washington 37, Buffalo 24
1995: 42 Score
Cowboys (26), Steelers (68)
Dallas 27, Pittsburgh 17
1971: 41 Score
Cowboys (15), Dolphins (56)
Dallas 24, Miami 3
1973: 39 Score
Dolphins (21), Vikings (60)
Miami 24, Minnesota 7
1982: 38 Score
Redskins (39), Dolphins (77)
Washington 27, Miami 17
1977: 37 Score
Cowboys (24), Broncos (61)
Dallas 27, Denver 10
1981: 37 Score
49ers (25), Bengals (62)
San Francisco 26, Cincinnati 21
2004: 37 Score
Patriots (9), Eagles (46)
New England 24, Philadelphia 21
1976: 35 Score
Raiders (18), Vikings (53)
Oakland 32, Minnesota 14
1974: 34 Score
Steelers (31), Vikings (65)
Pittsburgh 16, Minnesota 6
1987: 34 Score
Redskins (30), Broncos (64)
Washington 42, Denver 10
1998: 32 Score
Broncos (12), Falcons (44)
Denver 34, Atlanta 19
1984: 29 Score
49ers (5), Dolphins (34)
San Francisco 38, Miami 16
1988: 27 Score
49ers (42), Bengals (69)
San Francisco 20, Cincinnati 16
2001: 24 Score
Patriots (47), Rams (23)
New England 20, St. Louis 17
2002: 22 Score
Buccaneers (35), Raiders (57)
Tampa Bay 48, Oakland 21
1970: 19 Score
Colts (51), Cowboys (70)
Baltimore 16, Dallas 13
1997: 17 Score
Broncos (20), Packers (37)
Denver 31, Green Bay 24
1978: 16 Score
Steelers (3), Cowboys (19)
Pittsburgh 35, Dallas 31
1980: 14 Score
Raiders (40), Eagles (54)
Oakland 27, Philadelphia 10
1968: 13 Score
Jets (49), Colts (36)
N.Y. Jets 16, Baltimore 7
1990: 10 Score
Giants (33), Bills (43)
N.Y. Giants 20, Buffalo 19
2005: 9 Score
Steelers (41), Seahawks (50)
Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 10
1967: 7 Score
Packers (48), Raiders (55)
Green Bay 33, Oakland 14
1969: 7 Score
Chiefs (38), Vikings (45)
Minnesota 7, Kansas City 23
1983: 1 Score
Raiders (27), Redskins (28)
L.A. Raiders 38, Washington 9
Another thing I decided to check out was each Super Bowl game in terms of team quality. Here I took the rankings of each team per Super Bowl and added them together. The higher the score, the worse the game was, in terms of quality of teams, according to ESPN. For example, the 1970 Super Bowl was the worst when it came to quality of teams, with the 51st-ranked Colts beating the 70th-ranked Cowboys on a last-second field goal. Final score are also posted.
Quality of Team Matchups:
High Score: 121
Low Score: 22
Average Score: 81
1970: 121 Score
Colts (51), Cowboys (70)
Baltimore 16, Dallas 13
1982: 116 Score
Redskins (39), Dolphins (77)
Washington 27, Miami 17
1988: 111 Score
49ers (42), Bengals (69)
San Francisco 20, Cincinnati 16
2003: 111 Score
Patriots (32), Panthers (79)
New England 32, Carolina 29
2000: 107 Score
Ravens (29), Giants (78)
Baltimore 34, N.Y. Giants 7
1967: 103 Score
Packers (48), Raiders (55)
Green Bay 33, Oakland 14
1974: 96 Score
Steelers (31), Vikings (65)
Pittsburgh 16, Minnesota 6
1979: 96 Score
Steelers (16), Rams (80)
Pittsburgh 31, L.A. Rams 19
1980: 94 Score
Raiders (40), Eagles (54)
Oakland 27, Philadelphia 10
1987: 94 Score
Redskins (30), Broncos (64)
Washington 42, Denver 10
1995: 94 Score
Cowboys (26), Steelers (68)
Dallas 27, Pittsburgh 17
2002: 92 Score
Buccaneers (35), Raiders (57)
Tampa Bay 48, Oakland 21
2005: 91 Score
Steelers (41), Seahawks (50)
Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 10
1993: 90 Score
Cowboys (17), Bills (73)
Dallas 30, Buffalo 13
1966: 89 Score
Packers (22), Chiefs (67)
Green Bay 35, Kansas City 10
1981: 87 Score
49ers (25), Bengals (62)
San Francisco 26, Cincinnati 21
1999: 86 Score
Rams (14), Titans (72)
St. Louis 23, Tennessee 16
1968: 85 Score
Jets (49), Colts (36)
N.Y. Jets 16, Baltimore 7
1977: 85 Score
Cowboys (24), Broncos (61)
Dallas 27, Denver 10
1969: 83 Score
Chiefs (38), Vikings (45)
Kansas City 23, Minnesota 7
1986: 83 Score
Giants (8), Broncos (75)
N.Y. Giants 39, Denver 20
1994: 82 Score
49ers (11), Chargers (71)
San Francisco 49, San Diego 26
1973: 81 Score
Dolphins (21), Vikings (60)
Miami 24, Minnesota 7
1996: 80 Score
Packers (6), Patriots (74)
Green Bay 35, New England 21
1985: 78 Score
Bears (2), Patriots (76)
Chicago 46, New England 10
1975: 76 Score
Steelers (13), Cowboys (63)
Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17
1990: 76 Score
Giants (33), Bills (43)
N.Y. Giants 20, Buffalo 19
1971: 71 Score
Cowboys (15), Dolphins (56)
Dallas 24, Miami 3
1976: 71 Score
Raiders (18), Vikings (53)
Oakland 32, Minnesota 14
1992: 70 Score
Cowboys (4), Bills (66)
Dallas 52, Buffalo 17
2001: 70 Score
Rams (23), Patriots (47)
New England 20, St. Louis 17
1972: 66 Score
Dolphins (7), Redskins (59)
Miami 14, Washington 7
1991: 62 Score
Redskins (10), Bills (52)
Washington 37, Buffalo 24
1989: 59 Score
49ers (1), Broncos (58)
San Francisco 55, Denver 10
1997: 57 Score
Broncos (20), Packers (37)
Denver 31, Green Bay 24
1998: 56 Score
Broncos (12), Falcons (44)
Denver 34, Atlanta 19
1983: 55 Score
Raiders (27), Redskins (28)
L.A. Raiders 38, Washington 9
2004: 55 Score
Patriots (9), Eagles (46)
New England 24, Philadelphia 21
1984: 39 Score
49ers (5), Dolphins (34)
San Francisco 38, Miami 16
1978: 22 Score
Steelers (3), Cowboys (19)
Pittsburgh 35, Dallas 31
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 3: nl5xsk1
Yes, you read that right. The poster known with one of the more annoying names to type has cracked the number 3 spot on this list. “But kkk, how can this be? You’ve been calling this scat-loving fiend ‘nl-asshole’ for years. How can he be listed so high? Did he pay you off? Did he find you a MILF? What happened?” Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
This "nl-asshole" thing is all a giant SWERVE~!
You may find this hard to believe, but I generally don’t put a lot of thought into my message-boarding. When I’m scrolling down a thread, I rarely spend more than a few seconds reading a post, and when I get to the end of a thread, I typically type the first few thoughts that come to my head – no matter how nonsensical they may be. And on 8:48 a.m. on September 29, 2004, I read the following post by nl5xsk1 in a thread titled “List your aliases.. old board names...”
and I just felt like typing...
That’s it. That’s how this great “feud” started. Let me recap: For more than THREE YEARS I’ve been involved in a shootout of insults with someone because of a split-second thought and a few keystrokes. One my say I’m breaking KEYFABE right now, but this is, at its heart, an internet message board, and this is a SHOOT, baby. The Ross Report doesn’t have shit on this. (Is the Ross Report even around anymore?)
So, yeah. Over the years I’ve shaped this “hatred” for nl5xsk1 to include such witty banter like:
However, the highlight of this e-feud, which has spanned multiple message boards, came during kkk Bowl III when nl5xsk1 actually won the whole thing – well, it’s sure a lot better than him not bothering to show up for the posteason.
Are we typing?
Is this mic still on?
Well thank God that’s over and done with. I didn’t know how long I could last saying nice things about this cocksucker. And by “cocksucker,” I mean cocksucker.
1 p.m.
• So I have said in the past that I don’t like flying. In fact, the last time I was on an airplane was back in 1996 during a trip to California just before I met the future Mrs. kkk. Why don’t I like flying? Well, there’s always the chance of crashing into the ground from 10,000 feet. Yeah, I know the odds are much greater that I’d get killed by a fellow motorist than I would by a shitty pilot. However, the illusion that I could actually do something about my status on the highway is a better feeling. If you’re on an interstate and some truck in front of you has a bunch of shit loosely tied down to the roof then you could switch lanes. When you’re in a plane, there’s not much you can do unless you have a parachute strapped to you and near an exit. However, there are other factors that have nothing to do with drunk pilots and pisspoor mechanics.
The passengers
Here’s what I said a while back regarding my Going … Back … To … Cali… in the 1990s.
And while my experiences dealing with passengers during this latest round of flying I just didn’t wasn’t as bad as my ’96 experiences, it didn’t help matters. It amazed me how many people tried to carry on luggage that was too big to fit in overhead compartments. Jesus Christ, I haven’t flown for more than a decade and I was smart enough to take note that my one piece of luggage wasn’t deemed acceptable for overhead storage. Then again, these people are probably the same type that I dealt with in my Quickie Mart days that tried paying for a 25-cent pack of gum with a $50 bill. But I digress.
Connecting flights
So the plan was for my boss and I to take a flight from Shittsburgh to Philadelphia and then from Philly to Albany, N.Y. However, when I got to the airport I found out that we were instead going to New York City. This also meant that our departure would be a few hours later than the Shittsburgh-Philly flight. Great. Well, after my cross-state flight, I ended up in LaGuardia Airport. Holy fuck is that place a dump. And to make matters better, I had to wait a few more hours until this one plane from Harrisburg landed here because that was the vehicle to take me to Albany. One problem: This plane was running late. Whoopie. Here’s another bonus: LaGuardia only had a handful of stores, and most of them featured “I [heart][/heart] N.Y.” Oh, yeah, like I’m going to get that shit. Then I saw Hitlery merchandise. Even better. Fuck. I ended up getting a U.S. Snooze & World Distort magazine that talked about previous election cycles. One thing I like about U.S. News is that they do some neat “looking back” pieces. I remember in ’00 they had an interesting feature about the ’48 conventions – I’m pretty sure it was that year because it dealt with Truman and Dewey. Where was I? Oh, yeah. LaGuardia.
So while waiting for the Harrisburg plane to arrive I sat by the gate because you can only walk the halls a certain number of times before people start thinking you’re a terrorist. My boss and I were supposed to arrive in Albany at 4 p.m. It was past 4 when we heard that the Harrisburg plane had just taken off. After an hour or so we were told that the flight to Albany was seating for Zones 1-8. That sounded odd. Then when I stepped onto this massive transportation vehicle I noted that I was in “Zone 8.” And by “Zone 8” I mean the “eighth row.” The actual flight itself wasn’t too bad. I remember flying on a smaller plane when I was kid vacationing in Florida, and as a bonus I didn’t have to sit next to anyone.
We got into Albany at around 6:30 p.m. just in time to see news television shows talking about the stock market’s REMARKABLE DAY~! When I was at LaGuardia all the news shows were talking about RECESSION and the STOCK MARKET TANKING and other gloom and doom pieces. Then after my shitty flight to Albany, it’s a MIRACLE REBOUND. Then again, these are the same people that thought Obama was going to crush the Hildabeast by double digits in New Hampshire and that by 1985 the earth was going to freeze due to global cooling. And who wonders why people are skeptical of the mainstream media?
So Wednesday I was at airports from 9 a.m. through about 7:30 p.m. All to get on two one-hour-flights. My boss, who travels all the time, said this is the first time in a long while this sort of thing has happened to her. I said I’d gladly take the blame for this if it means a raise. However, the best was yet to come on the way home on Friday...
