6 p.m.
• Yawn.
Hmmm, maybe that is a good reason for her to stay in. Can you make a few more stops in California? Pretty please? Then again, between her and Osama, I think I would actually go with her. Jesus Chrst did I just say that?
• Why would Mikey be wowed? There's no food there. Then again, maybe that's what has him going into shock.
9 p.m.
• So I'm one of the many who don't watch Keith Olbermann's hippie show, but I did notice this and had to watch. (video -- lol, when is O'Reilly ever NOT on this worst-person list?) Below is the text.
Oy. I'm not even going to bother with the "yeah, well liberal groups boycott stupid shit, too" because, well, this is pretty stupid. HOWEVER, I will say this. At least it got Rachel Ray off the air, at least for a few 30-second bits. Yeah, I know, there are some kooks on my side, but as long as they vote with me in November I'll just pat them on the head and go, "that's nice."
Oh hell, I couldn't resist.
So Pat Robertson was going to pay some poor white trash 10k to blow himself up during the Dunkin' morning rush?
5 p.m.
• So about three weeks ago, the better half got the word that she was getting laid off by her idiot boss. Since then she’s been in a state of panic about getting another job. The whole time I’ve been telling her to enjoy this time. After all, she has nearly a month worth of vacation/sick time to use, and her final day of work is August 31. But this is the first time this sort of thing has happened to her, and has been freaking out nonstop. That is until someone she knows within the local university put her C.V. (think resume) on this super-secret list that researchers browse to look for employees. Within ONE MINUTE of Mrs. kkk’s posting, she got a phone call. Right now she’s got three interviews lined up in the next two weeks (one being Monday, one being Tuesday and one being June 13). The one on June 13 e-mailed her yesterday and said that she is in the process of getting a grant out and won’t be available until the 13th but to let her know of any offers she receives before this date (the low-end starting wage for this job is the same as what Mrs. kkk is making now). Christ almighty. This wasn’t quite the same route I took whenever I moved to a location and looked for work. Then again, she’s the one with the Master’s Degree. At least now I can get some peace and quiet – at least about this subject.
While I’m on this subject, I have to point out that her uber-liberal boss is laying her off because said academic no longer wants to publish academic papers, which was a second source of income she was receiving along to the grant that Mrs. kkk is/was a part of. The boss quit working writing papers for this guy and now will focus on the grant full-time, which is a huge clusterfuck waiting to happen because she’s got the work ethic of a slug (see the May 7 entry link above for details). Why did Mrs. kkk get the axe? Because the boss wants to keep the same salary level back when she worked both jobs. Keep in mind this is the same person that espouse liberal cliché after liberal cliché, especially when it comes to how BIG CORPORATIONS treat their employees and how they show no compassion to those worker bees. For as fun as it has been observing the chaos of my former place of employment, when Mrs. kkk leaves her current position, this will be turmoil times 1000.
11 a.m.
• So for the past week or so the better half has been whining about wanting to see “The Happening.” Last night we went to the theater, against my will, and saw this piece of shit.
Spoilerz ahead~! You've been warned. You can thank me later.
If you didn’t see my post in the Movies Folder, here you go.
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Well, it's official. Mrs. kkk is no longer allowed to make selections for "movie night."
Replace the road with a field and I just saved you $9 (or whatever your theater's early-bird discount is).
If you go to this YouTube's page, the most recent comment at the time of this posting is:
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The sad thing is, I’m not making this up. Hell, I was WISHING for one of those last-minute SWERVES that M. Knight Shy-whatever typically puts in his films. Make Marky Mark part of a group of rouge scientists "plant"-ing poison across the Northeast. Make it a group of tree people trying to take over the world. Make it all a dream. Make it have something to do with lemmings. Make it something other than vegetation fighting back against humans. I guess the swerve took place during the movie’s marketing campaign, making people think this would be a worthwhile piece of entertainment. Well, it was rather funny. Here are some other insta-thoughts I’m typing up as I’m going along:
* Why the hell did the “second wave” of plant attacks take place in France? What about the Amazon rainforest or in a country whose environmental policies put the EVIL United State to shame? Hell, filming the final scene in India would have given the movie’s director a chance to make his usual cameo as being one of the two people talking before the toxins start up. It would have been a better appearance than the one he did. (For those that don’t watch credits, he was the caller stalking Marky Mark’s wife.)
* The plants attacked the Northeast? Good, wipe those liberal environments out. Guess Mother Nature doesn't have an electoral map.
* Not only did I think of South Park’s global warming attack during certain parts of this film, but when Marky Mark’s math friend decided to go back and find his wife in Princeton, I imagined a joke said by Gilbert Gottfried, “My girlfriend once said to me ‘kiss me where it smells.’ So I took her to New Jersey.”
* Like Smues said in the Movies thread, for as accomplished an actor Mark Walberg is or becomes, I can’t help but think of him as “Marky Mark.”
* I actually had some hope at the beginning when Marky Mark was talking to his class about why bees were disappearing. When the kids began throwing out possibilities (pollution), Marky Mark was shooting down the theories (there aren’t any carcasses – the bees are DISAPPEARING). One of the theories was GLOBAL WARMING and Marky Mark made some remark about the temperature shifting by a fraction of a percent. I’m not sure if this line was made in sarcasm by the character, but it made me snicker. Little did I know that WE DIDN’T LISTEN~!
* When you mow your lawn, does the grass get mad at being cut or happy because it's like a person getting a haircut? I know I feel much better after a trim.
I’ve got nothing better to do at the moment. I might as well rate Mr. Knight’s movies from least favorite to most.
Lady in the Water. I don’t even remember what most of this was about. Some fairy chick being chased by monsters and all the tenants of some complex unite. The only thing I can recall is there was some movie critic that made me chuckle before getting killed because the script didn’t go according to plan. I think M. Knight said this story was a tale he read to his kids. That’s nice and all that, but it doesn’t mean you should make it into a movie.
The Happening. For as awful as this movie was, at least it made me laugh. There where three times during death/violence scenes when I was laughing out loud, which prompted Mrs. kkk to say “Are you laughing NOW?” Yep. It was that bad. But at least it wasn’t as boring as “Lady.” Oh, here’s something I liked. Watching those two shithead kids mouthing off to some people that barricaded themselves in their house and warned Marky Mark’s group to get off their property. Hey, they were on private property. Actually, I made another South Park crack during this time. “Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights!” Zero dollars to the person to first guess what episode this line came from.
Unbreakable. I saw this movie only once and that was about two years ago. I’m not hating on it, but it was too slow for me. Then again, I knew what the ending was before watching, so I’m sure that played a factor in my indifference. If you like this film, more power to you. I can see why you would.
The Sixth Sense. Another meh from me. Then again, I knew Bruce Willis was a ghost the scene after he was shot. And this time I did not know anything about the spoilerz~! The kid wasn’t that bad, and I liked how he got “used” to the ghosts as the movie went along.
The Village. Wow, why am I doing a review of M. Knight’s movies when I really don’t like any of them? Trust me, this film, Unbreakable and the Sixth Sense are not all that far apart on this list. Why do I put this film above the others? Only because it dealt with a group of people wanting to escape city life – and who can blame them for doing so? They could have just moved out to the suburbs for a generation or two before the blacks and Hispanics take over, but if building log cabins and establishing forbidden forests is your thing, then who am I to judge?
Signs. Some people like this movie. Others HATE it. Me? The first time I watched this film I was thinking “Where the hell is this all going?” Then Mel Gibson’s family met the aliens and all those quirky things that we learned throughout the film (the kid with unfinished drinking glasses, the other kid with lung problems, the ex-baseball player with no bat control) finally came full circle. Was this all a coincidence? Or were each of these oddities given to the characters for a reason? You have to decide, but I have already made one decision long ago – I like this film. Yeah, I’ve heard the arguments about why would aliens land on a planet with water (a deadly substance for them) covering most of the surface. (And let’s not even get into what would happen if it rained, snowed or got foggy.) But I’m giving this one a pass.
11:15 a.m.
• So Cena’s Writer came up with an interesting idea in the sports folder – an NBA all-time draft. For as much as I wanted to take part in the festivities, I declined. Why? Because I’m not on nearly as much online as I used to be and I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up with sending in picks on time. Also, I don’t know much about the NBA outside of the early to mid-1990s. However, now that the draft came and went, I’ll see what would have happened had I been given a spot.
Please note that even though I looked through this thread a time or two during the draft process, I have no idea who went where. I’ll go through the thread and make my picks in turn. I may not get through this in one sitting, so if you are going to comment please don’t give any spoilers.
Order.
I’ll pretend Gert T never existed and take his 10 spot. Wherever he was selecting in this draft, that’s where I will be. It's a nice, middle-of-the-road place to be. And I won't be selecting M.J., Magic or Larry.
Strategy.
As I said before, most of my time following the NBA was in the 1990s. This means my immediate knowledge of who to take will be VERY limited. Because of this, I will be using some Web site to help me. I have a sketchy plan of who I want to select, but outside of a few things, I’ll be gunning for value. This means I’ll be hankering on that “All NBA roster” that was created a few years back, along with a basketball reference site or two. Whatever. I’m sure I’m not the only one employing this strategy.
Style.
Even though I will be going for talent, I’ll try to build a team that reflects my personality and preferences. And yes, there will be blacks on this team. Hey, someone has to fetch the Gatorade.
Rules.
Cena laid some groundwork at what to look for when making your picks, such as to factor in team chemistry, etc. I will do so as well. Even though I’m one who believes 99 percent of players from 50 years ago wouldn’t be competitive with the players of today, I will consider older players in the spirit of this friendly competition. However, I will probably not take many current players because there’s no way to determine how great they truly are or truly could be. There will be exceptions to this. For example, Shaquille O'Neal has had a long and distinguished career. There would be nothing wrong with taking him or Steve Nash, who has played more than 10 seasons. However, I consider someone like Chris Paul WAY too young to be involved with something like this. If you take him, good for you. Hell, I may even take a n00b or two in the later rounds. Who knows -- that's what makes drafts fun.
Posting.
I’m going to start this off by telling what my original list of players will be before actually starting any selections. In-between my picks, I’m going to offer some kkk-ommentary about other picks. And I’ll try to keep the “GRAAAAAAAAAH, I was going to pick him!” remarks to a minimum.
Roster Strategy
OK, so here is how I’m going to work this. I have a list of players that I am going to gun for in the early rounds. I also have some players that I think could slip in later rounds. I’m probably going to concentrate on my Starting Five, a few reserves that I think would be in demand, a coach and finally a few reserves that I like. Oh, and even if he’s available in the last round, Scottie Pippen will NOT be on my team.
With that said, here we go.
1 p.m.
• As I said before, there are a list of names I have that I hope will be around when I make my picks. They include Tim Duncan, Hakeem Olajuwon, Bob Cousey, Pete Maravich and Jerry West. Do I expect to get all of these players? Hell no. Do I expect to get one, maybe two? Yes. Ideally, I’d like to get a big man first, followed by a point guard. I’m not quite sure where I will go from there. As I said before, I’ll be gunning for value, so the 50 all-time roster will be helping me out in the first few rounds. After that I’ll probably look for scoring out of my starters with defensive-minded players on the bench.
Here is a list of players I hope to take in the later rounds:
Center: I’m hoping Moses Malone is around in rounds 3-5. Brad Daugherty might be a good reserve. And then there’s my favorite player of all time Bill Laimbeer.
Forwards: These positions, especially Small Forward, will be determined by who’s available when. Robert Horry, Buck Williams, Dennis Rodman, A.C. Green, Bernard King, Kevin McHale and Michael Finley. Am I comparing Finley to McHale? No. But these are just some names I’ve jotted down.
Guards: Mark Price is nice, but I’ll be dookie without Mookie (Blayock). Yeah, that was bad. Jeff Hornacek and Sidney Moncrief are some other names twirling around in my head. I’m sure Michael Cooper and Allen Iverson will be taken before I can get them in the rounds I’m hoping they will be available.
Coach: I’m not really stressing this position yet. I’m going to see who I have before looking for someone that might be a good fit for my starters.
Here we go at the start of Round 1:
Jordan, Magic, Bird, Kareem. Big shocks there. Can you blame anyone for NOT taking any of them? Lebron James is a bit of a surprise going in the Top 8, but at least now he’ll be on a team with a supporting cast. Wow, Tim Duncan was taken a 9 and Shaq is still available? Shit. I had Olajuwon as my back-up big man if Duncan was taken. However, I didn’t count on O’Neal being available at 10. Goddamn, and I like both of them…
Round 1: Shaquille O’Neal
I wanted a big man, and I got one. A big man who raps and can’t make free throws.
LOL – Gert chose Hakeem with his first-round pick. I guess I’ll eliminate his picks from consideration, too. Wow, Jorge picked Shaq at number 11. MOSES went at 12?! Wow, I thought he would be a steal in a later round. Cousy and Maravich are out. So someone should always pick first in each round? Cena’s order is perfectly fine. Shoot, Jerry West is gone. Maybe I should have went with a guard in the first round rather than a big man. OK, I want a point guard, but who?
Round 2: Clyde Frazier
There were a few other names I was considering, but I really wanted a point guard. This is a case when I wasn’t considering him until I looked at the 50-greatest roster and saw his name, which reminded me of him.
John Havlicek was another name I was strongly considering for Round 2, but I was hell-bent on getting a point guard. There goes McHale. There goes Rodman. Now I’m just gunning for value on the Top 50 list.
Round 3: Nate Thurmond
After reading up on him, I figure he could take the Power Forward spot.
I had thoughts about Adrian Dantley and Bernard King, but I wasn’t sure where they would fall. I considered Steve Nash, but I didn’t want to just pick players from recent times. Sidney Moncrief … wow, I must have pulled another Moses with this one. Bye, Buck. Horry’s now gone -- Was I undervaluing these people? I thought they would be available in later rounds.
Round 4: David Bing
I might as well stock up on as many 50-all-time-greats as I can. Seems like a nice guy, too.
Joe Dumars was running through my head about where he would land during Round 2. I really liked Kevin Johnson during the 1990, especially when he would sign autographs after asking kids to solve math problems. After reading his bio I knew Bill Cunningham wouldn’t get to me.
Round 5: Alex English
I saw that Paul Arizin was still on the Top 50 list, but I wanted scoring at the Small Forward position, which is why I went with Alex English. I also see that Gert T picked the same person as I did in the same round! We had Hakeem in the first round (although I went with someone I didn’t figure would be available) and now English in the fifth. That’s funny. The reason I went with English here is because I went onto Basketball-Reference.com and noted his spot on the all-time points-per-game list. Also I read on Wiki that he was awarded J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award in 1988. Another sweetie.
Christ, I didn’t realize how long this would take. I’m gong to stop here. This is my starting five: Shaquille O’Neal, Clyde Frazier, Nate Thurmond, David Bing, Alex English.
I’ll do some more some other time.
9 p.m.
• So my former co-worker turned in his resignation today. And in the true spirit of my former place of employment NOT ONE WORD WAS SAID ABOUT THIS by any of my ex-bosses. Awesome. Maybe they think if they don’t acknowledge this letter of resignation it never happened. Actually, they still might be in a state of shock. It was no shock I was looking to leave because I refused to look directly at two of my bosses and constantly questioned their questionable management styles. This guy, however, ALWAYS put on a happy face, so I’m sure this was unexpected. NOW this place is FUCKED. With just a month to go before my idiot ex-boss becomes the idiot ex-big boss of it all.
• Tim Russert died last week, which is a shame because he was my favorite “Medium Large Media” reporter. Yeah the guy was a Dem, but he was also fair, which is all you can ask for. I also remember watching a number of those 60-minute interviews he did with people, and he did a good job of just letting the interviewee do his or her own thing.
• Now THIS is news.
guy from Oregon won some hippie think-off in Minnesota by saying that illegal immigration is bad. Somewhere, money had to change hands.
• Only because I have this playing on the stereo now. What's the only thing better than a bunch of black gangsta rappers wearing L.A. Raiders gear during a late '80s/early '90s videos? The same black gangsta rappers wearing L.A. Kings gear. Those Compton ice rinks were hella thug.
Oh I couldn't resist but search YouTube for this gem. What makes this extra special is that this was the first "gangsta rap" song I ever heard.
8:30 p.m.
• So whenever I play Madden I turn off the game’s volume and play a music channel or two from Comcast’s lineup. Generally I keep the station on the Arena Rock selection, although after a while I switch to something else. However, there are a few stations that aren’t permanent and are shown every other day or so. One of those stations features OLD SCHOOL RAP. Oh do I wish this was a permanent selection. And it’s just not “old school” from the late 1990s – this goes back to the early- to mid-1980s with Doug E. Fresh, the Treacherous Three and people I’ve never heard of before. I then heard a movie line from “Full Metal Jacket,” which can only mean 2 Live Crew’s “Me so horny” was about to get aired.
…
A while back I made a remark about explicit songs and some of the funnier re-worked lines. Here’s another one.
If you don’t know the original lyrics, Google is your friend.
• After finding a few Eazy-E videos on YouTube, I stumbled across this.
Oh man. The 5150 album. There are only a few CDs I have ever gotten rid of, and this was one of those cases. I don’t remember what I got in return for this but I know that I got the better end of this deal. And the person I traded with HEARD this album before the swap.
OK, I need to cleanse the pallet after that last video. Here we go.
11:30 a.m.
• So last week I picked my Top 5 in Cena's NBA all time draft event over in the Sports folder. Don’t know what I’m doing? Peep this.
Red Auerbach is off the board. I really haven’t thought of a coach yet, but since chemistry is such a factor Rudy Tomjanovich might be a good pick. However, that’s a few rounds down the road. I have a few ideas about my first few bench players. I will probably go more for a guard because my Power Forward can also play Center if need be. We’ll wait and see. There goes Michael Cooper. There goes Mark Price. There goes Mitch Richmond. There goes T-Mac.
Round 6: Jeff Hornacek
I had about a half-dozen guards from the last 10-15 years that I’m considering. Several I don’t think will be around much longer (Jeff Hornacek, Mookie Blaylock) while there are others I think I can get in a later round (Alvin Robertson, Jeff Malone). There are a few others, but I’ll mention them once they get picked. I went with Hornacek first because I was surprised of his high steal average. He was as better scorerer than Mookie and was a terrific free throw shooter.
Gert picked Wade. I like Wade, but he’s still too young for something like this. Oakley. I liked him, too. I didn’t think he’d be around much longer. Shit. Alvin went before Mookie. I was going to take Mookie first. David Thompsoin. I forgot about him. Wait a minute -- isn’t he the one with all those kids who hate him? There is Ralph Sampson. I was curious to see where he would fall. Daugherty was on my short list for big men. There goes Mookie.
Round 7: Bill Laimbeer
I was hoping for a defensive guard like Mookie and Alvin but they are taken. I guess now I should look for a defensive forward. I have two from my generation: Bill Laimbeer and Horace Grant. Oh man this is tough. I have yet to look at stats but I’m sure Grant is the better of the two. Wow, Bill has a higher average per game in points and rebounds. YES!!!! I get my all-time favorite player and an absolute asshole on the court. He also has a good free throw percentage so the Hack-a-Shaq strategy won’t work here.
And Horace gets picked with the next selection. It’s hard to go wrong with him. I forgot all about Drazen Petrovic, but I remember when the Nets were on a station in my market (WWOR?) and I watched quite a bit of him. Great shooter, although I have another scoring guard in mind. And Bill got taken a few picks later.
Round 8: Dolph Schayes
I was thinking of going another way with this pick, but he was still around so I had to take him. Along with being one of those “all 50 year” people, his size could put him in the small forward spot and relive Alex English when I need some more rebounding, which he has plenty of experience dong.
Gert took Fat Lever. Nice pick. I actually thought of him when making my list of Point Guards, but because I already took Alex English I didn’t want to take tandems in this event. Besides, with Fat and English, Denver didn’t really do much in the 1980s other than score a whole bunch. Bill Sharman was taken. I was wondering if someone was going to get him. Hell, I would have selected him with my next pick if he was still around. I thought about Chambers but I didn’t’ feel he’d fit in chemistry-wise. Smits was another good selection; it’s a shame the guy was hurt a lot of times. SHIT~! I was scrolling down too fast and looked at Gert’s pick before making mine. I was thinking Rudy Tomjanovich as my coach, but I didn’t think he’d get picked for another round or two. Because Gert took him and I saw he was selected before making my choice he’s off the boards for me.
Round 9: Paul Arzin
Uh, oh. There are no more Top 50 of all time players. Now who am I going to pick? Wikipedia says he’s a 6’4” forward. Now that’s a SMALL forward. I just realized that my four bench players are all white. I’m liking this team more and more.
Camby was a good selection, along with Strickland although Rod was at the bottom of my short list for guards. Drat. Mark Jackson was at the top of that same list.
Round 10: Terry Cummings
I remember this guy from the early 1990s with the Spurs, but his stats really shined in the 1980s with the Bucks. This shores up my forward reserves. I was thinking about going for a much-needed backup point guard, but I couldn’t pass Cummings up.
Gert went with Jermaine O'Neal, who I considered at one point but decided against it due to chemistry reasons. Much like Petrovic, I remember Kevin Willis when the Hawks were always on TBS (or was it TNT?). Kirilenko was another Jermaine O’Neal situation for me, although he hasn’t been around as long as I would have liked him to be. I was thinking of taking Bowen just to pair him up with Laimbeer. Michael Finely was taken, which makes my one upcoming selection easier – provided he’s still around. Majerle was one of those I was thinking about but could never pull the trigger.
Round 11: Doc Rivers
I was torn between him and Mike Bibby, but I went with Rivers although I give the edge to Bibby. The reason I went with Rivers is because I’m considering Doug Christie for a later pick. If I go with Bibby, I probably wouldn’t select Christie due to them having played together for a time.
LOL – Gert went with Paul Arzin and mentioned his stint with the Marines. I might as well just pick a coach in the last round considering I think most everyone else took one already. Shareef Abdur-Rahim – like that terrorist will be getting a spot on my bench. I didn’t think of PJ Brown, drat.
Round 12: Doug Christie
Yeah, I know it’s dumb to impose this rule on myself, but what’s the point of doing an “all-time” draft if you’re going to pick players that were teammates for a while?
Reggie Theus – forgot about him. World B. Free is another great pick.
Round 13: John Kundla
Well, with who I selected I don’t need someone to do much coaching. My first pick of Rudy T. was already taken, so after doing some research, I figure this guy will do. He’s a hall of famer, won 5 titles in 6 years and knows what to do with big men (he had George Mikan on his team).
So there we go. I’ll do a recap of my picks in a future entry.
10 a.m.
• So is North Korea now part of the Axis of Not-So-Nice?
• Yet another ruling by the uber-conservative Supreme Court.
Actually, I have the perfect solution. Don't execute these kiddie rapists. Just toss them into a prison's general population. Everybody's happy.
• Speaking of adult/kid sex. I wondered why these "To Catch a Predator" shows weren't on anymore.
Bummer. This was the best thing on television. I think I remember NBC airing that bit with the guy killing himself. Yeah, he was innocent.
6 p.m.
• What would a kkk-led nation be like? Here you go.
9:30 p.m.
• So today the better half told me that there was a group of bees/wasps/whatever starting up a nest in the top left corner of our garage door. The following conversation then took place. You can figure out who’s who:
“Why do I have to do it?”
“Because I’m working at the second job to pay for my niece’s baby shower because I’m a fucking idiot and once my mom dies there will be nobody left to cater to the crack-whore so she will start calling our house begging us to drive her to the methadone clinic, welfare office or some other decrepit locale.”
“Oh yeah.”
“So wait until the evening and go out there and spray so you get them all.”
“Even the women and children bees?”
“Yes. That’s why you do it in the evening. When they are all back at the hive.”
“Wow. Now I know what George W. Bush must feel like.”
Of course, if the kkk household was made up of Democrats, we would first try to understand why the insects decided to stage an insurgency. Was it because of pollution they decided to set up shop at our residence? Did their previous hive get foreclosed on because of the RECESSION~? We wouldn’t have time to really know because we would have moved to another location. But there are enough left-wing queers on my block. I guess that makes me a fly in the ointment. OK, now this is getting dumber than I thought possible.
All I can say is that after trip outside with the bug spray…
Of course now the rest of the bugs in the neighborhood will be blowing themselves up, causing my approval ratings to dip even lower among the commie neighbors (if that's possible). Bring it on.
10:30 p.m.
• I’m sure there’s a joke to be made here about black people and making babies, but that would be wrong. Can’t wait to find out what a bunch of white people in lab coats determine to be the bodily enhancements of Popeye’s Chicken.
Speaking of watermelon, I LOVE this stuff so much I can't buy it or I'll eat the entire box. Well, not the ACTUAL box, but rather what is inside of it.
11:30 a.m.
• So along with killing bugs yesterday something else monumental took place at the kkk household. The better half and I had to say goodbye to a longtime friend. This companion was with me during the times in my life when I needed assistance the most. Loved by my niece and nephew, he was always able to make them look forward to that day’s activity. And whenever we thought this mate was down and out, he would always surprise us with more get up and go. Who was this person? My crack-whore sister-in-law? A relative with Alzheimer’s? That crazy neighbor? Nope.
My 1988 Chevy Corsica.
Back in late 1999/early 2000 I was living in Sappy Valley and looking for a used car. The better half and I were using her red cavalier to get around, but I knew with an impending move on the horizon we needed two vehicles. I started looking in Auto Traders and other media outlets with no urgency. Then I got the call from my old man. “Do you want an ’88 Corsica?”
Hmm, I remember a few people from my past with Corsicas and they always seemed reliable. Sure, why not. I know jack shit about automobiles. At least this is better than picking out a vehicle because of its color. So I went back to the Shittsburgh area and got this vehicle for $1500. Go ahead and mock me for over-paying. I don’t know if I did or not. It was an older vehicle but had a bunch of stuff done to it. The guy who owned it got the car for his elderly mother and now she couldn’t drive it and he had no room at his place for another car. I guess I should have checked to see what nursing home he put his mom into, because if it was a rat’s den then maybe the brake-line should have been inspected prior to purchasing.
Eight months went by and this car was running with no problems. However, I wasn’t taking it on long trips. Just to work and back – all within a 10-minute drive or so from my second job. And before EricMM starts bitching about carbon footprints and all that shit, I used to walk from my one job because the busses didn’t start up that early. It took me more than an hour to walk home, and a bicycle wouldn’t help my impending move. Yes, I was moving from central Pennsylvania to southwestern Ohio. And on that August day I turned in my keys to my Jew-bastard apartment manager-ette, packed the car to the gills with my stuff and headed off to glorious Middletown. During this eight-hour trek I kept thinking to myself “Don’t break down. For the love of God, don’t break down.” And while there were a few times during some steep inclines I got antsy, the Corsica came through.
After I reached Ohio, I was always expecting this car to die, especially when I would make 50-mile round-trips to and from work. Oddly enough, the car not only ran but it ran rather well. Sure it didn’t have the fancy gadgets all the newer models had, but I am NOT a car person. As long as it gets me from Point A to Point B I’m happy. And year in and year out it did just that. OK, so it needed a rebuilt transmission, but whatever. It was old. If you would say to me that you get a 12-year-old car, drive it for 8 years and only have to rebuild the transmission, I’d say that’s a good deal.
Three years have passed and Mrs. kkk and I were getting ready to drive back to Pennsylvania. Once again, we didn’t think this car had it in him for a similar packed-to-the-gills run across state lines, especially since I never bothered to get an Ohio license plate and updated commie emissions tags. (I avoided the law for three years with Pennsylvania plates and a Temporary registration sticker.) But we were proven wrong for a second time. Now in Pennsylvania we thought for sure this relic would finally call it a day, especially since we never really bothered to maintain the upkeep. But once again we were proven wrong. Sure this automobile could no longer make the everyday work commute through rush-hour traffic, but we didn’t ask him to do that. Need to go to the local grocery store for a gallon of milk? He was there. Have the urge to do some Christmas shopping but the better half has the other car? He was there. Desire the pleasures of some ladies of the evening by making a stop to a Shittsburgh street corner? Hell no. I wasn’t getting no jammy juice on the red velvet interior.
Fast forward to the Summer of 2006. Mrs. kkk was in-between jobs and spent the summer working at a local pizza place and babysitting her niece and nephew. Who was there every morning when she had to arrive at her brother’s house at 6 a.m.? Who was there when it was time to take the kids to their dozen-plus summer activities? Who was there to navigate those crater-filled backroads? You guessed it. Not the 2004 Blue Caviler. That was taking me to my job. But instead, as my nephew-in-law dubbed him, Crappy the White Car.
Why was my Corsica called Crappy the White Car by a kid who will probably make more as a college intern than I do right now? Because while Crappy could still get you from Point A to Point B he had some … issues. First off, the passenger-side door couldn’t open. That was the case for years. I didn’t care. Hey, I figured if someone wanted to carjack me I had a 1 in 4 chance of getting away right off the bat. Then there was the horn issue. One day I was using Crappy for a trek in Shittsburgh due to a work-related issue and the Caviler was already in use. I knew this would be a risk, considering I it was mid-morning and I knew traffic would be stop-and-go. I was right, especially since every other business in Oakland had its vending deliver trucks clogging up the right-hand lanes. Crappy didn’t take too kindly to this and after about 40 minutes of this I was got pissed and hit the steering wheel. This in turn caused the horn to blare nonstop. For several blocks. God only knows what the poor female motorist in front of me was thinking. I tried to let her know that I wasn’t honking at her, rather Crappy was just going off on his own. But I think I did more harm than good because when observed from a distance I think my body language looked more like limbs flailing about in rage. How did I solve the case of the blaring horn? I grabbed the horn panel and yanked something out of place. I thought that would work and it did. For about two miles. Then it started again and I yanked something else. That was that. Or so I thought.
Fast forward to Mrs. kkk’s stint as Aunt Nanny. On one of her trips with the kids to summer camp I guess the horn went off on its own, much to the delight of the niece and nephew, who found the whole thing funny as hell. Couple this with all the amenities of stalling out, no heat or air conditioning, a clock radio that we couldn’t properly set, speakers that were blown out and bellowed out more static than music, peeling paint from all sides, missing knobs, a cracked dashboard from another time I made a this-car-will-overheat-because-of-this-goddamn-traffic back in 2002 (man I-75 was a bitch; thank God I found that back road route to work in Ohio), a crack in the windshield that was there when I first bought Crappy and a gas cap that was hanging on by a thread and you have in the eyes of a 9-year-old the coolest car on the planet. These two kids, particularly the nephew, were OBSESSED with this car. They actually preferred riding in Crappy than our ’04 Caviler or any of the trucks/vans their parents owned. Even earlier this year when the better half was picking the kids up for some function she was asked if they were going to be “riding in style,” a question that was often asked by my nephew whenever he learned Aunt kkk would be driving them somewhere. The nephew even wrote book about his experience during that summer with Crappy the White Car. (Don’t laugh. This 9-year-old was the only one among us who knew how to fix the time on the clock radio. For almost 5 years Crappy was 40 minutes off in time – 1 hours and 40 minutes when clocks had to be adjusted.)
But all things don’t last. After this past winter Crappy decided enough was enough and decided to call it a day. We think it’s the starter but frankly it just doesn’t matter at this point. For months he had been taking up space in the garage until one of us finally got the desire to call one of those tow-away-for-charity organizations. And yesterday that big flatbed in the sky took Crappy away for good.
Crappy the White Car (1988-2008)
The garage just won’t look the same. … Oh who the hell am I kidding? Now until we get a second car, which won’t be until this ’04 Caviler becomes the New Crappy, we won’t need to scrape ice off the windows every winter. But couldn’t the garage be spinning just a little bit? Maybe. But that could be because of the exhaust Crappy would always spew out.
4:30 p.m.
• So Venus Williams beat her sister for another Wimbledon title. Yay and stuff. Actually, I am a fan of the Williams sisters. Well, as much as a fan as one can be by watching about an hour of women's tennis per year. And 10 minutes of this annual hour's worth was spent watching the women's title this morning.
9 a.m.
• So yesterday I had to go to this wedding reception for some chick whose the daughter of some uncle-in-law that I have only seen once in my life. There goes my Saturday night. Whatever, like I was going to do anything in the first place. Here’s one thing I noticed. All the young, single people who are probably in the courting stages of their relationships were all dressed up – especially the women of the group. However, the older couples who have been together for a while were MUCH less dressy. Sadly, I fell into the latter category. I wasn’t wearing jeans, but there’s no way I’m wearing a suit and tie at the local fire hall. Oh, here’s another observation. When the bride and groom were doing their first dance, all the bridesmaids were looking intently with sobbing eyes. The groomsmen? They were just standing in the corner drinking beer and talking to each other totally not paying attention to this moment. That just about sums a lot of things regarding the difference between men and women, doesn’t it?
Thankfully, everyone was getting drunk so Mrs. kkk wanted to leave early. She said everyone was acting abnoxious. I didn't notice, but whatever.
6:45 p.m.
• So yet another de-maculating moment, I was shopping with the better half for a few suits during the Fourth of July. Mrs. kkk was going on her third interview with this one place and was paranoid that with her two professional suits someone would recognize she was already recycling outfits. (Or was it her fourth interview? Depends if you count 15-minute phone screens.) So as we browsed several department stores, we stumbled upon some sales from JC Penny’s and she found this nice suit for $75. Our jaws both dropped, but for different reasons. Guess who is who below.
“$75?! That’s a lot of money!”
“Are you kidding?! You better get this … NOW!”
Now guess who was who? My quote was the second one. Yep, me. Jew boy. Telling Mrs. kkk to spend $75 on an outfit. Why was I getting wood over this deal? Because the suit retailed for $200. After I showed her the “normal” price, she couldn’t believe how expensive work clothes were. I then realized I knew more about WOMEN’S FUCKING CLOTHING than she did. Good Christ shoot me now.
Why did I know more than her on this subject? Because my mom, before she lost her mind while in Jesus school, used to work in the corporate world and I remember seeing the price tags on some of her threads. So when the better half began pondering the cost of female business clothes we took a trip to the Macy’s store – where $300 work outfits are the norm. That brought her back to reality. And we also got her another $200 suit for $40.
8:30 p.m.
• W, I voted for you twice and all but come on. Make the late-night comedy writers earn their paychecks.
8:45 p.m.
• Having seen the NBA All-Time Draft participants post team summaries, I figure I might as well get off my backside and do the same.
Starting 5
Shaquille O’Neal – C
Nate Thurmond – PF/C
Alex English – SF
Clyde Fraizer – PG
David Bing – SG
Off the Bench
Jeff Hornacek – SG
Bill Laimbeer – PF/C
Terry Cummings – PF
Doc Rivers – PG
Doug Christie -SG
Dolph Schayes – SF/PF
Paul Arzin – SF/SG
Coach
John Kundla
My system? Hell, I don’t know. I’d probably focus on the front court, but depending on the matchup, I think I could compete with a guard-heavy opponent. If I need more scoring, I’ll bring in Hornacek and Cummings. If I need more defense, I’ll sub in Laimbeer, Schayes and Christie (Hornacek, too). Rivers is a solid back-up point guard. When it’s late in a game, Hornacek and Laimbeer are excellent free-throw shooters. And the last player on my bench is part of the Top 50 Players Of All Time Club.
Now there’s no way I would have assembled this team had I taken part in Cena’s draft. I’m sure I would have missed my turn a few times with the current work schedule I have. However, it’s fun to do something like this every now and then. Now the All-Time NFL Draft? Oh hell no.
9 p.m.
• So it’s official. My boss hates me. Why? Because for an upcoming business trip later this month she booked our flights. Guess where our connecting flight from Shittsburgh will be located?
Newark, New Jersey.
Guess where the connecting flight back home to Shittsburgh will be located?
Detroit.
I don’t think I’ll be leaving either plane.
• The better half’s test-tube kid-having welfare collecting cousin and her sterile Mexican husband 30 years her senior (Or is it junior? Either way, the guy’s about twice her age.) sent her one of those stupid chain e-mails where you answer a bunch of general questions. Under the question of “What’s the one thing you worry about most,” the test-tube matriarch typed, “Our house’s adjustable mortgage.”
Why am I not surprised.
• Damn.
Here's what I don't get.
Why bother with "other interests?" If you own a decent portion of the Steelers, that's just as good as having a winning lottery ticket.
5:30 p.m.
• So I have a weeklong work trip starting on Sunday and as usual I haven’t even thought of packing. Every time I go somewhere (which isn’t often) I always tell myself “this will be the time when I pack early and don’t run around at the last minute throwing a bunch of shit into luggage.” Who the hell am I fooling?
• I heard about this story on the radio this afternoon.
“I didn’t do nothing.” She’s from Wilkinsburg? Really?
Holy shit is this Google Maps thing scary. Once I get off Rt. 30, this is the next road I take coming into work when the better half and I drive in together. (For some reason Penn Avenue is not showing up on that last link. Click on it and enter "1110 Penn Avenue" before "Wilkinsburg" in the search bar.) Just scroll along NW on Penn Avenue and see the sights of my wonderful commute. Actually, seeing this shithole motivates me like hell to keep up with the bills and stay at my job. Also, when we drive in it's usually around 6:30 in the morning, meaning all the black people are still sleeping off their crack highs. Except for a small group at the "Labor Ready" store. God bless them for wanting to make a living.
9 a.m.
• So the latest Drudge page had the following headline link: PRO SOCCER TEAM HELPS SUBDUE MAN...
Just from reading the headline I know what happened, but I can't resist this joke. *clears throat*
What, did they play a game in front of the guy and put him to sleep.
Thank you, thank you I'm here all week. Try the tortured baby cow.
• Because my uber-deal with Comcast is running out, I am going to be downgrading my services. Hey, I like having a plethora of HBO/Showtime/etc. channels for a good price, but I don't watch these channels nearly enough to justify paying market value for them. Now I went onto Comcast's web site to look for packages and/or deals because I hate being one of those customers who clog up the phone lines asking a customer service rep. "how much is it if I just get this set of channels?" As I entered in my address and zip code to look for SUPER DEALS IN MY AREA I got the following message: The Comcast Triple Play is not available because Comcast Digital Voice is not yet available in your area. If you would like to find out if Comcast Digital Phone is available in your area, please call 1-800-COMCAST.
Que? I've had Comcast Voice for more than TWO YEARS and had the Triple Play package from 2006-2007.
10 p.m.
• As I was flipping channels this morning, I came across some cartoon that was like Pokemon but only with dinosaurs. Now for a split second I was thinking "Is this what passes for Saturday morning cartoons these days? In my time..."
Then I remembered...
And this is one heck of a way to make breakfast.
12:30 p.m.
• So I finally got around to watching Aliens – the one with the extra 17 minutes of footage. After looking down the list of new stuff from IMDB, I’m happy to note I caught just about everything that was added. I’m not big on the whole Alien/Predator saga that has been dealt with in comics/etc., but I LOVE this movie. The first one didn’t do much for me, but I understand why it was big for its time. I guess what pisses me off most about that film is that my favorite character in Alien was the black guy who got killed while the chick he was with just stood there and screamed until it was her turn. Bitch.
Anyway, while watching this film I realized that Bill Paxton, who played the ill-fated Hudson, was the same guy who had a similar role in Predator 2 as detective (or was it just “officer) Jerry Lambert, also my favorite character of that sequel. Weird.
Hey, if I was surrounded by aliens (even those of the Mexican variety), and had to go out, I can only hope it would be something like this.
Although shouting out "Fuck you" to a bunch of things that can't understand English would be some nice last words, my favorite send-off line of this film is Vasquez's, "You always were an asshole Gorman."
7 p.m.
• Damn Bush economy. Now people that didn't pay for their houses are losing them. How bad can this get?
What's this?
You know, say what you want about Jimmy Carter (Lord knows I have), but at least Habitat for Humanity makes its housing recipients work on a few homes before getting one built for them.
8:30 p.m.
• Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday crack-in-Shittsburgh. Happy birthday to you.
9:30 p.m.
• Look, I could go on about the Health Nazis or about the Nanny State telling us what is good for us and bad. However, what makes me laugh about this story...
Is this:
Oh, yeah. I'm sure this will attract the upscale places to set up shop in the ghetto. And how about this?
Uhhh, how about NOT FEEDING YOUR KIDS FAST FOOD?!
10:30 a.m.
• So peep the opening paragraph to this article about how car leasing may be a thing of the past.
A PRICEY NEW CAR out of reach for SOME PEOPLE? Hmmm, let’s see, a big-ticket item is too costly for some people but there’s a way for said laymen to acquire the product, which they really can’t afford. Sound familiar? What industry does this sound like whose bubble recently burst?
And since when did a "pricey new car" become a "key part of the American dream"? God I'm so out of touch.
7 p.m.
• So during the summer months Mrs. kkk helps out at her church’s fund-raising events, such as grilling get-togethers and Bingo events. Yesterday was another such “burger bash.” Hey, don’t knock these seemingly insignificant community events. These three-hour activities produce well over 3,000 burgers, not including beverages and other snacks -- all of which are donated. (I know, we always have to get Pepsi when it’s on sale for these events.) Why am I talking about this? Well Steve O'Donnell, the Democrat running against my Republican congressman, Tim Murphy, made an appearance at this event yesterday and did the usual schmoozing all politician-hopefuls do at these events. He even went back where the grilling was taking place, which PISSED OFF just about everyone there, according to Mrs. kkk. Keep up the good work O’Donnell – people don’t want to be reminded about politics when they’re at places like this.
Speaking of Murphy, I don’t know whether to say “atta boy” or worry that he’s just another RINO. From June 11:
Actually, the guy is a bit of a RINO, but this is southwestern Pennsylvania. I’ll take any Republican when I can get ‘em. I remember back in 2006 Murphy’s television ads involved him talking about health care and other stuff the old people around these parts bitch about.
• Now this was odd. Last year I got some uber-deal with a bunch of digital channels for not much more than my basic package. A few weeks ago I went to downgrade my cable package because even though the extra channels are nice they aren’t worth the extra money. I was instead going to go to the basic bundle package – standard digital cable, Internet and phone service. When I spoke with the Comcast rep he said that there were no bundles to downgrade to and that I should wait until August 3 because that’s when my current bundle deal expired. OK then.
Today I called to downgrade and the lady I spoke with said I could just keep my current bundle deal for another year. Well almighty then. What surprised me was that in January I got a letter notifying me of upcoming rate hikes, and the bundle package I had back then (and now) was jacked up almost $50. You know what – I’m not going to ask. At least I get to watch NFL Network for at least another year.
• Speaking of the NFL Network, I watched some of the recent Hall of Fame inductions this weekend. With Art Monk’s speech, in which a drinking game could be made on all the times he make Jesus references, it got me thinking: Would we be so quick to applaud a Muslim inductee? “Praise be Allah for allowing me this great honor.” Yeah, that’ll go over well.
Then again, the Muslim inductee wouldn’t need the aid of the Hall of Fame setting off fireworks – I’m sure he’d supply his own explosives.
By the way, I always liked Art Monk and don’t care one bit about the “thanks to God” remarks. However, whenever I hear athletes talk about their love for Jesus I can’t help but think about the only Onion article I ever found funny, which had the headline “Athlete Blames God For Team’s Loss.”
Speaking of thinking about a different subject, whenever I saw TSM’s Bennigan’s thread, here was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Oh, yeah. Here was my second thought. (If someone can find a video clip of this that I can put in this post, please let me know. I gave up looking after a few searches.)
7 p.m.
• So on Tuesday I was changing the litter boxes and had this “Jurassic Fight Club” show on the History Channel. So what was the matchup – A T-Rex vs. Triceratops, where my three-horned gangsta would fuck up the world’s uber-predator?
No.
An Allosaurus thinking a nearby Apatosaurus would make an easy dinner, only to realize that this four-legged behemoth would just fall on the carnivore and crush him or drown the meanie if there was some water nearby?
Not even close.
So what was this week’s fight of the week? Finding out who KILLED A T-REX! OK, so there was a bigger dog in the yard, like that abortion called Jurassic Park 3?
Not quite.
It was some carnivore that attacked juvenile T-Rexes. Gay. Oh, and next week the fight club will be a bunch of raptors “gang killing” some herbivore. Bullshit.
Give me an Ankylosaurus cracking the skull of Gorgosaurus. (To this show's credit, something similar will be coming up.)
Give me a Stegasaurs getting its pea-brain pwned by something higher up on the food chain. (To this guy's credit, he seems to be holding his own quite well.)
Give me some horny Hadrosaurs thinking with their little heads and brawling over which one gets to bang the female lizard with the big duck bill.
Yeah, a bunch of raptor things killing some big dumb herbivore. I haven’t seen that before.
9 a.m.
• So here was my week in review:
Tuesday: Mrs. kkk and I were getting ready to put the groceries into the car when she starts talking about her one niece getting a period. She then begins to say how depressing it is that her nieces and nephews are getting older and all that other shit. I then made, in my attempt to get her more fired up over the subject, some remark about the niece is now able to get knocked up. Her reply was that she doesn’t even want to think about these kids starting to experience busted hymens and premature ejaculations. I then say, "what makes you think they aren’t already having sex?" Her reply: “They’re just starting puberty; they probably don’t even have pubic hair.”
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THIS JUST IN: As I’m typing this, why the hell were we talking about this subject in the first place?! Now back to regularly scheduled programming.
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Then came my chance to utter a line in public I’ve been waiting to do for some time. “If there’s no grass on the field just play in the mud.” Then I looked up from putting a gallon of milk in the trunk to see this lady who just got out of the jeep next to us give me a look of shock and digust. And they say timing is everything. Whatever, the better half never heard this line before and I had a fun time trying to get her to figure it out on the ride home.
9:15 p.m.
• So this was one fun week. I'll probably bitch about this in greater detail in a future entry, but the better half and I got a new car last night because the people at Kenny Ross Chevrolet are a bunch of stupid fucks who should all die in an explosion. Actually, this all started four years ago when an airbag did not deploy and a chain reaction leading up to this day began its slow path to destiny.
• After reading this story I noticed the lack of any photos.
Time to play Google:
Well I was expecting worse. And God only knows what my neighbors have heard from the better half and I over the years. Actually, we don't make that much noise although one time in Ohio some guy drove by our townhouse during one of our bedroom romps and he shouted out, "We can see you!" Oops. Then again, who knows how much noise you make. While in Ohio we often heard my one ex-neighbor with her trucker boyfriend do the do. Fortunately for us it would last about 30 seconds -- seriously.
