A while back I was talking about Lottery People and mentioned some of my fun exploits with this breed of customer. In one entry I mentioned how my Quickie-Mart’s management had two sets of rules: one set were rules that were flexible and another set that were rigid. The flexible rules were ones that our district managers would tell us we had to perform, but everyone never did, including our store manager. One such rule was not being allowed to accept anything bill denomination higher than $20. Sometimes when our manager who was one rank above our store manager was on the rag she’d bitch about us having too many $100 bills in our safe, but otherwise we would always accommodate our customers who would pay with a $50 or $100 bill.
Did I say “we”? I meant “everyone but me.” Below are my top three customer experiences with people wanting to pay for $10 worth of gas with a $100 bill, or something close to that nature.
3) I had this guy with some bratty kids come up to my register, and when he opened his wallet he handed me a $100 bill for $20 or so worth of gas. After telling him I couldn’t accept his currency due to store policy he said that he had no other way to pay for his order. I was calling bullshit on this one for two reasons. Reason A: When he opened his wallet I saw several credit cards. Reason B: When he opened his wallet, I noted a number of dollar bills in his wallet that were of acceptable denomination. Now we were told that if a customer couldn’t pay for his or her fuel, we were to take their driver’s license until they returned with payment. Naturally, I told him that if he was unable to pay for his order that I would need his license. He said, “You can look at it, but you’re not going to take it from me.” I responded with something like, “Well if you drive off this lot I am going to call the police and report a gray Buick with the plate numbers *I called them out while writing them down on a slip of paper* just drove off without paying." Surprise. He pulled out a $20 bill and paid for his purchase.
2) This guy came in to pay with a $50 bill and I said that I wasn’t allowed to accept anything over a $20. I then got one of my favorite customer lines. “Well where’s a sign that says this, huh?” I love it when a customer pulls this, because then I get to point out all the signs they missed on their way to the register. I pointed to the two signs at my counter, the two at my co-workers counter, the half-dozen or so that were posted throughout the store, the several that were posted by the entranceway, and the signs posted on EVERY ONE OF MY STORE’S EIGHT PUMPS. The customer wasn’t amused, but I sure as hell was.
1) Some guy tried to pay for his fuel with a $100 bill, which I told him I wasn’t allowed to accept. After he threw a fit for several minutes about how I had to accept this because it was “legal U.S. tender,” I told him that he could go the other cashier standing next to me because she’d probably accept your payment. I, on the other had, wouldn’t because that’s not our store policy and that I had been reprimanded before for accepting a $50 bill. (OK, so this was a lie. Big deal.) Instead of going to the other cashier, who had a deer in headlights look because I had dragged her into this mess, this guy threw a fit for a little while longer and asked for our company’s customer service number. I said it’s posted right outside the entrance door. He then went outside and pulled out his cell phone to call our 1-800 number and complain about me. One problem. He called the local phone number posted out by the door instead of calling the 1-800 number. I picked up our ringing phone and got to hear this guy say how he has been a loyal customer of our company for years and spends A LOT of money with us. He then said that a cashier at one of our stores was refusing him service because he wanted to pay with a $100 bill. You would think this guy would realize that he was talking to the cashier he interacted with just a few minutes ago, but he didn’t (I’m surprised he didn’t pick up on the background noise, like, say, ringing registers and all those other Quickie-Mart noises). I said the cashier was in the right and that they aren’t allowed to accept any bills higher than a $20 because it was a safety issue and that our store’s insurance carrier demands this policy be adhered to. I then added some bullshit about how there are these “mystery shoppers” who try to pay with $50 or $100 bills just to see if the cashier would accept the payment, and that if the cashier would accept these bills they would be fired. He bitched about something or other, hung up, went back into the store and paid for his purchase with a $20.
With these tales you may wonder why I would be such an asshole to customers? Well, 1) I am an asshole. 2) You need to entertain yourself somehow during an eight-hour shift.
• So on Sunday the better half is having some sort of Tupperware party or whatever. I have no clue what the hell is going on, but she’s inviting some people over to buy some crappy houseware items and I’ll be confined to either to top floor or the basement. Whenever Mrs. kkk is expecting visitors she cleans up the house, and this upcoming event is no exception to this habit. To help her with the illusion that we’re not white trash, I decided to mow the lawn in preparation for her big brouhaha. Actually, I mowed the lawn today because the remains of Hurricane Earnesto are scheduled to make an appearance in the Mid-Atlantic region on Friday, and today would be the only time I would probably have in the next week or so to mow the lawn. Besides, I hate cutting the grass on a weekend; it takes away from the whole concept of doing nothing for a few days before going back to work. As I was preparing the lawnmower for another go around the kkk estate, I checked the amount of gas the mower had in the tank. There wasn’t a huge reserve, but I thought there would be enough to last one more mowing session.
I thought wrong.
Sonofabitch. I was about three-quarters finished with my mowing when the lawnmower began to sputter. I knew then that I’d be making a pit stop to the local Quickie Mart because the reserve gas can was empty. Since the better half mowed the lawn last time, she must have used up the last of the petrol. Oh well. I didn’t feel like using a credit card to pay for only two gallons of fuel, so I busted into the change jar and got out $3.50 in change to go along with the $2 cash in my wallet. Now I know what you’re thinking, “OMG he’s one of those ‘pays-with-change’ assholes.” Well, this time I was. However, I have a rule about paying with change. I try to make the transaction as easy as possible for the cashier because I HATED having someone just toss several dollars worth of quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies onto my workstation in order to pay for their purchase. I counted several times the $3.50 amount I had in just quarters, dimes and nickels (no pennies this time) and headed off to the local Quickie Mart.
As I pulled up to the store I stood by the entrance (out of the way of other customers mind you) to sort out this change once again. I put four quarters in one hand, along with ten dimes. I then put two dimes and six nickels on the other side of the quarters. In my other hand I had 20 nickels. I then went into the store and waited my turn. To my surprise there was only one cashier working during afternoon rush hour, but whatever. I approached him and said in a clear voice, “I’d like to prepay $5.50 for pump #3. I’m going to pay with $2 in bills and $3.50 in change.” I then put the four quarters on the counter. I followed it up with the 10 dimes followed by the 20 nickels and then the two dimes and six nickels. I had these coins spaced out so any right-thinking person could tell that I was trying to make the cashier’s job easer by separating the coins by type and in increments of $1 per pile. Hell, I was even telling this kid what I was doing as I was making my piles: “Here’s $1 in quarters, $1 in dimes, $1 in nickels and 50 cents in dimes and nickels.” So what does this asshole do? He takes all of the change, puts it into one big piles and asks, “Did you want to pay for this with exact change?”
Oh for fuck’s sake.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Today’s caller was a 28-year old chick that doesn’t know what to do about her husband. She has been married for eight years and has two kids. Recently she’s had concerns about the way her hubby has been acting, especially when a few days ago he got drunk at 4 p.m. and got verbally abusive with her when she told him they weren’t going to have sex. Oh, and also their one kid had a friend over for a play date at this time, too.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 56: Canadian Guitarist
A returning participant in my pick ‘em contest, he’s hoping to challenge C Dubya 04 and Vern Gagne for the NFC West Division title this year. Other than that I don’t know much about him. I do know that he works at Wal-Mart, and because he’s a self-professed hippie I can’t imagine he takes much joy in helping his employer take over the world. At least he checks out more than just the low-priced merchandise made in China while on the clock, and it doesn't matter what side of the register his chick of the day is standing at. Unfortunately he also thinks of other TSM posters while having sex, but hey, I don't care what he does to get his jollies as long as he submits his picks on time.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• It appears some big bad Democrats are getting their panties in a knot over this ABC "9/11" movie, or whatever the hell it’s going to be called. “Waaaah. It’s not fair. There’s stuff in this special that wasn’t true.” I’m surprised that former National Security Advisor Sandy Burglar didn’t just swipe the video of this production, stuff it down his pants and walk out of the editing room. Actually, I don’t really care about this “9/11” movie, and I’m not going to watch it. I wonder if the same people bitching about this special also had the same passion about that hippie “The Reagans” movie made a few years ago? I thought that abortion would have made for a great sitcom. You could have started this program in the same way as the “Dick Van Dyke” show where Mr. Van Dyke walks into his living room, only to trip over a stool. When Ronnie does the same, he can be shown accidentally pushing on The Button, triggering a nuclear explosion. I can hear the music now.
Daaaaa da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da da
BOOM!
I’d watch that. For about 10 seconds. But that’s better than my usual attention span when it comes to network television.
• Paris Hilton got busted for driving under the influence (allegedly, of course). Outside of her driving while drunk, I don’t see the big deal. Considering her body weight, I’m sure it doesn’t take much to get her tipsy. Hell, it’s not like she’s all that rational when she’s sober to begin with. I think you’re a shithead if you drive while drunk, but if you don’t injure anybody other than yourself then I won't wish death upon you.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This chick had been in a relationship with this guy for 20+ months. The guy couldn’t find steady work in California and thus moved back to him hometown in Colorado where he got a job with his cousin. The caller said she is trying to “make this work” but just gets laughed at by the boyfriend. I’m not sure if she actually asked a question, but I did hear her cry on one occasion during this call.
Runner up: This guy lived with this chick for three years, and she popped out a kid. They split up and he has said that ever since then she has gone downhill. And I quote: “She lost her job, she lost her car, she lost her Section 8 Housing…” I didn’t hear what he said next because I was laughing too loud to hear.
• As if I don't have enough retarded features, here's one more: My NFL Pickkks of the Week. What I will do is predict which NFL teams will win or cover the spread this week. I'll be using the same spreads as I use for my kkk Bowl contest; the spreads are posted early in the week, so some games (like the Dolphins/Steelers) may seem a bit off. Too bad. I need all the help I can get. All my picks take about five seconds to determine and my commentary under each game is my first thought upon seeing each match-up and the point spread given for that game.
Miami at Shittsburgh (3.5)
I'm not buying Miami being a Super Bowl contender just yet (the season hasn't even started yet), but with Big Ben out and a number of Steelers with nagging injuries I'm taking the Dolphins.
Atlanta at Carolina (5.5)
Is Carolina one of those teams that plays well against Vick, or was that Tampa Bay (or both)? Shit. Just in case I'll side with Atlanta.
Baltimore at Tampa Bay (3.5)
It'll take a week or two for McNair to get adjusted to being a Raven.
Buffalo at New England (8.5)
High point spread, and will New England experience a drop-off this year? It's Week 1 so I'll go with the Pats offense over the Bills defense.
Cincinnati at Kansas City (3.5)
Two good offenses. The Bengals have a linebacker suspended for the first few games, so I'll give the ball the the Chiefs running game, which will be a better defense against Carson Palmer then the Kansas City starting eleven on that particular side of the ball.
(3.5) Denver at St. Louis
The AFC West is tough enough. Denver needs to relish out-of-division games against last year's non-playoff teams.
New Orleans at Cleveland (3.5)
Reggie Bush will make a big run or two and Chris Berman will spooge all over his notes.
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee (3.5)
I have no idea about this one.
(4.5) Philadelphia at Houston
I'm pulling for Houston in this one, but McNabb will make a big throw or two and Tom Jackson will spooge all over his notes.
(6.5) Seattle at Detroit
Seattle is going to take its Super Bowl loss out on the Lions. Poor kitties.
(3.5) Chicago at Green Bay
For some reason I'm smelling upset, but I've also been smelling how Favre has been playing for the last year or two.
Dallas at Jacksonville (2.5)
This is going to be a fun game. I'm taking Dallas just because of the points. If the Cowboys lose then ESPN's jihad on T.O. will reach epidemic proportions.
San Francisco at Arizona (7.5)
I think the Cards will win, but not by a touchdown.
(3.5) Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants
MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS! MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS!! OMG IT'S THE MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS!!! Just when will they play against each other -- on special teams? I'm hoping Payton gets the best of his little sister.
Minnesota at Washington (4.5)
I'm sensing upset here.
(3.5) San Diego at Oakland
If Rivers plays bad against the Raiders, then the Bolts are in a world of trouble.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 53: Banky/The Winter of my Discontent/A Catholic/Memoirs of an Invisible Chevy/Etc.
While this guy has ruffled more than a few feathers at this place, I’ve grown to like Banky (or whatever he’s calling himself this week). When I first started reading his posts, I was asking myself who was this silly goose. I soon then began to enjoy his sense of humor, even though he doesn't care too much for kitties. And here's yet another reason why my three are kept indoors.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• The big story yesterday was Terrell Owens (allegedly) overdosing on pills in a suicide attempt. Or did he? I have no clue, nor do I care. I am not an Owens-hater, and I have said before that many of theatrics amuse me. He may be a cancer in his team’s locker room, but I’m not part of that team, so I don’t care what he does. The only thing I had a problem with regarding his behavior was when he threw a fit one year into being a Philadelphia Eagle. I sympathize with NFL players and their desire to be paid what they think they’re worth. After all, unlike other sports such as basketball and baseball, NFL players don’t have guaranteed contracts. Sure there’s that signing bonus thing, but if an owner can cut a player because they’re due the money agreed to in a contract, then a player can hold out for more cash if they out-perform that same piece of paper. My problem with Owens and what he did while with the Eagles was that he agreed on a hefty contract the YEAR BEFORE acting like a diva. This wasn’t some Pro-Bowl caliber, fourth-year player making a few hundred grand and wanting to set himself up for life; Owens had agreed on a seven-year, $49 million contract with a $10 million signing bonus when he went to the Eagles; couldn't he have at least waited until year three of his contract, or when the Eagles won the Super Bowl, to ask for more money?
• Well, I stand corrected. You know how whenever some hippie whines about how America sucks, the typical right-wing response is, “If you don’t like it here, then git’ out.” Well, someone finally did. And to Cuba, no less. Now the balance of people coming to the U.S. and those leaving for Cuba is starting to level out, what with hundreds of thousands (probably millions) coming over and one exiting. And even this one who left the States wasn't doing so for Castro's free health care or rice cookers – it was for poon.
• This is odd.
I thought being a sniveling, spineless piece of shit was one of the job requirements to being U.N. Secretary-General.
• The Republican Party is going to hold its 2008 Convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul – the only state that voted for Mondale in ’84. Well, I guess that’s still better than having your convention in Cleveland.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This is one of those instances when a couple in peril calls into the show – why oh why do these people agree to this sort of thing? The woman is 41, the man is 43. They have been dating for a few months or a year, depending on which person you ask. Both have been in previous abusive relationships, and both are afraid of what happens to each of them when they get into a fight; these people feel that whenever they get into an argument they act like they did when they were with their previous significant others. When asked to give an example of what happens to one of these "abused" people, the guy says the following. “Whenever we get into a fight while driving, I push her out of the car, drive away and leave her there to walk home.”
Before I even begin, the paternity test reference in today's entry title does NOT involve me (yet... ).
• A few entries ago I made my insta-predictions for this year’s MLB playoffs. Why has Al kkkeiper reprinted his predictions only for the division series match-ups? You’ll see.
You know, there’s a certain satisfaction with being so off target that you end up striking nearby spectators instead.
• While listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO today, there was a man-on-the-street type of deal during a top-of-the-hour newscast. A New Yorker was asked what he thought of North Korea’s alleged nuclear weapons test that took place this past weekend. And what was this genius’ comment? “It’s very disturbing. There should be treaties to stop this sort of thing.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I think what pisses me off the most about idiots like this is that their vote counts just the same as mine. Then again, I'm sure clueless commies think the same about me and my voting power.
• I have no idea who this chick is, but I like her. Apparently she achieved fame because she's hot and her boyfriend/husband (or whatever the hell he was) Jude Law was banging their ugly nanny or something. Nevertheless, I’m now her newest fan.
• While looking for the above article, I stumbled across this one that fired me up. Sure the kid’s not yours, but you still gotta pay. And who says that red diaper doper baby judges don’t have too much power?
• You know it’s Monopoly time at McDonalds. How? Because rednecks from nearby counties and their out-of-state friends are thinking up ways to win the grand prize without having to gain 100 lbs from eating all those greasy burgers and sugar-laden soft drinks.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This lady has a sister who wants the two of them to go into business together. The caller's sister wants to start up an ice cream parlor business, but the caller has some reservations about doing so. Why? Because the sister has been caught in the past stealing from a church she used to work at. How much money did she swipe? $116,000 during a two-year period. What did the sister use the money for? Gambling.
• Now this is rich. Mexico is threatening to take the U.S. in front of the United Nations if we decide to build a wall between our southern and their northern border. Talk about a threat; I’m about ready to shit my pants in fear. Why, I’m sure America will get at least four warnings by the U.N. before getting a really mean letter sent to the White House by the Secretary-General. Hey, Mexico, you don’t like us building a wall between our border with you? I have an idea – let’s implement the same immigration policies our friends to the south have for those who aren't Mexican-born that live in their country. Some highlights to what I linked above.
Seems only fair to me that we follow Mexico's lead on this issue.
• So it seems Randy Moss didn’t take to kindly to what Howie Long recently said about him.
Uh, Randy, this former Raider is a Super Bowl champion, multi-time Pro Bowler and member of the NFL Hall of Fame. Pick your battles more wisely.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This guy who has several young kids from a previous marriage got hitched with this chick. His wife said to him before the wedding that she had been molested as a kid but it was only until after they got married that she told him the molester was a family member. Seeing how the caller is bringing several small kids into her family, he asked her who was the pervert. She refuses to say who violated her childhood but she insists that “he’s gotten over it,” adding that he only molested two family members.
• You may remember me saying that I’m no fan of Christopher Shays. He’s a typical RINO whose only use is taking up space in the “R” section of the Congressional aisle. However, I have to give him props for saying the following, which got a laugh out of me.
I’m sure he’ll buckle and apologize for these remarks, but fuck that. And fuck Ted Kennedy.
• The Chicago White Sox got a sponsor for their weeknight game times for the 2007 season. Next year, all home contests will be at and sponsored by … 7-Eleven.
Call it corny. Call it a shameless way to make more money. Call it whatever. I call it brilliant. If I was getting paid seven figures (or whatever the deal is) to show up for work at a certain time, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
• I have mentioned before this program a local supermarket is doing in the Shittsburgh region. This store, Giant Eagle, is giving all shoppers with one of those “advantage cards” that many of these places have nowadays 10 cents off per gallon of gasoline for every $50 in groceries purchased. This program has been such a hit with consumers that another grocery store chain, Shop 'n Save, is copying this business plan and partnering up with Sunoco. That’s when you know you have a successful marketing idea; when your competitors don’t even attempt to hide the fact that they’re ripping off your promotion. Well anyway, when someone decides to “cash in” on this discounted fuel purchase they are allowed to pump up to 30 gallons of fuel. This apparently doesn’t suit one customer all that well because yesterday on a local RIGHT-WING RADIO show she was complaining that her car only holds 15 gallons of fuel and that other motorists who drive SUVs can fill up more with the discounted price. She then said it wasn't fair and that she should be allowed to fill up twice with her discounted price. Christ almighty I hate the human race.
• To complete my Quickie-Mart trifecta, I heard this local story about a convenience store employee who had shots fired into his place of employment the other night. Here’s the story. It was 2 a.m. in a not-so-nice part of Shittsburgh (yes, some areas are indeed worse than others) when these three guys entered and began complaining about the price of goods in this establishment. When the cashier told them that there’s nothing he can do, the customers began stealing stuff. This was when the clerk hit a device that locked the store’s doors, effectively trapping him in with two of the hoodlums. After some heated words the cashier unlocked the doors only after the customers put the stolen goods back. Shortly thereafter one of these upstanding citizens comes back into the store and fires off some shots – all caught on videotape. My question is why in the hell did the cashier lock these two thugs in the same building with him to begin with? Fuck that. If you don’t want people stealing from your store at 2 a.m. then don’t make your store open 24/7. There’s not way in hell I would even think about doing this sort of thing back when I was a cashier. If this shit happened to me, I’d just call the cops, who are usually nearby Quickie Marts anyway in the middle of the night – how many other places offer coffee and doughnuts at that time of night? With what cashiers make, there’s no way you should risk your safety because a bunch of idiots are lifting potato chips and soft drinks. The only time those doors should be locked like that is if one cashier is on duty and he or she has to be in the back room unloading and stocking recently arrived merchandise. Otherwise, leave that lock alone.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 47: Cuban Linx
I don’t much about Mr. Linx, but he’s a founding member of my football contest and sends his picks in a timely manner – I can’t ask for anything more than that. He did pretty good in year one with a playoff birth and the AFC South crown, took a break from TSM in year two, struggled in year three, and is currently in decent shape for a late-season run to take the AFC South.
And now a word from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From SFA Jack:
• Back in April, I talked about my birthday trip to CiCi’s. For those that don’t know, CiCi’s is an all-you-can-eat pizza place where you only think about going in just because you’re hungry and it’s $6, which also includes the drink that these Jews charge separate. Anyway, after coming home from work and then driving out to Sam’s Club for six 35lb containers of scoopable cat litter, the allure of CiCi’s sucked me in once again. I figure going to one of these heart-attack centers is critical for anyone because it stocks up your grease intake. Face it, even the healthiest of people need to eat shit like this every once in a while. If not, you don’t build up an immunity to junk food and, well, did you ever see that “Married With Children” episode where Peg Bundy kills that fitness guy with bon-bons? Yeah, something like that.
Anyway, I did have a plan going in this time. Instead of scarfing down this shitty food with no rhyme or reason, I went for slices that were mostly bread and not saturated runny cheese or that sauce which makes me queasy with just picturing it in my mind. Now I figure if you don’t gorge until wanting to puke at an all-you-can-eat place, then the house wins. I don’t like to lose. However, as I was getting to that point at a buffet where you’re thinking “one more plate of food. Just one more plate,” I headed up and saw the Buffalo Chicken pizza pie that was just laid out again. As I went to grab a slice (or four), the orange, gooey drippings from the hot sauce on this concoction was just too much, even for me, and I only settled for one piece (along with a slice of barbecue chicken pizza). As I headed back to my booth I thought to myself, “I fought the buffet and the buffet won.” This is the first time I ever backed down from a buffet challenge, and it wasn’t because I was afraid of stuffing myself. I was afraid of getting heartburn. Yet another indication of me getting up there in years. For what it’s worth, I didn’t get that sick later on in the evening, so maybe I’m getting wiser, not older. Yeah.
• This got a chuckle from me, or at least some of them did. Don’t know what it will do to you. Don't really care, either:
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 46: Marvin is a Lunatic
Marvin is famous around these here parts for two things. 1) His love of high definition television. 2) Troubles with his love life. Rather than go into more detail about both, I’ll just point you over to a thread that has become synonymous with Marvin. If you haven’t made your way to this thread yet, do so. As for me, I’ve always had a soft spot for him. And while I’m on the subject of virgins looking to get laid, heed these words my poontang seekers: Don’t expect much going in because when a male virgin finally achieves penetration because it’ll only last 5-10 seconds. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience. Then again, I wasn’t wearing a rubber at the time. I might have lasted 20 seconds had my scimitar been properly sheathed. I wouldn’t have lasted twice as long because the latex would have dulled the sensation, but rather I wouldn’t have wanted to waste money on using a prophylactic for that short of time.
And now a word or five from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Black Lushus:
From EricMM:
From Carnival:
From SFAJack:
From Kingofthe909:
• Who needs “Survivor” or “Hogan Knows Best,” when you have the kind of reality programming that I married into? For those of you that are somewhat familiar with my in-law family tree, bear with me for three sentences while I bring others up-to-date. My 40-something-year-old sister-in-law is a crack whore. Well, meth/heroin addict would be a more accurate description, but I feel “crack whore” can be used as a universal term for “loser drug addict.” The crack whore’s oldest daughter lives with my mother-in-law and has “supposedly” been going to college for the last year-and-a-half. Well, this 19-year-old is now headed off to a drug rehab center for three months. Why is she doing this? Well because a few weeks ago the mother in-law busted the niece-in-law in a web of lies that’s not worth going into. The mother-in-law then said she was taking her name off the title to my nice-in-law’s car, thus making the niece-in-law fully responsible for her car’s insurance payments; payments that are also going to be at a much higher rate than before. After the niece-in-law stormed out to live with the crack whore for a week or two, she announced to the mother-in-law that she was addicted to “pain killers” (heroin is the more likely drug of choice), and has tried to “detox herself” several times over the past three years. *CoughbullshitCough*. I’m still expressing doubt she’s actually going to go to rehab, and if she does I doubt she’ll complete the full three months. Why do I seem express such joy in other people’s pain? Because it makes for great reality television – and you don’t even need the TV set! And since she will not supposedly be home for the holidays that also means one extra gift that doesn’t have to be purchased. Wait a second: that’s TWO gifts because I’m sure her on-again-off-again boyfriend won’t be paying a visit either. The sad thing is that I wish I could trade him for her in regards to being related to a person; he’s actually normal, except for his taste in women. Then again, the niece-in-law was his first sex partner, so I understand why he accepts the constant break-ups and other bullshit that applies to “young love.”
Why do I “hate” the niece-in-law? I really don’t hate her, but I do ignore her for the most part (perhaps another story for another time). I think the best part of this story will be when she’s 30-years old and working in some go-nowhere shithole, realizing everyday as she gets up for her dead-end job that she had a near-free-ride toward a college degree and pissed it all away. She had enough grants/inheritance/etc. given to her to pay for at least half of her four-year undergraduate education, and that didn’t include the various work-study programs she had been accepted for, too. Of course, she actually needed to attend these university jobs in order to get paid, but now I’m nitpicking.
Will she complete rehab? Will she go back to college? Will she graduate? Will she get knocked up? Will she get back with one of her fuck-buddies who recent went to jail for robbery and act as the get-away driver in his next caper? I have to tune in and find out. Well, maybe not “tune in;” just listen to what Mrs. kkk tells me after wrapping up the latest chat with her mother. Even though you never really know what to expect from the script that life provides you, I have a feeling this story will end up with the niece-in-law being a crack whore. Just like her mother. This of course means I’ve been watching a repeat all along. Well, maybe not a “repeat.” I think “spin-off” would be a more appropriate label.
9 p.m.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 41: Canadian Chris
His name is Chris, and he is from Canada. He’s been the Broncos in my NFL pick ‘em contest since it started four years ago, just missing the playoffs for the first time this year. I think he likes poker, too. And he does some Death Pool thing. Now I know I’m too late in getting in on this year’s action, but for the heck of it I’ll list the 20 celebs/public figures who I want to see kick the bucket sometime this year.
Ted Kennedy
Pat Leahy
Barbara Boxer
Nancy Pelosi
Ed Rendell
Christopher Dodd
Dick Durbin
Carl Levin
Charles Schumer
John Dingell
John Conyers
Barney Frank
Sheila Jackson Lee
William Jefferson
Jim McDermott
John Murtha
Eleanor Holmes Norton
Charles Rangel
Robert Wexler
Oh, yeah…
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
8 p.m.
• Well, I got my anniversary present five months early. And I was right about it being a piece of furniture. It’s a fucking recliner! And you know what? It’s comfortable. Some stuff in the dining/living room got re-arranged to make space, but whatever. It’s not like I’m going to move this shit around; I’ll be sleeping in my chair-bed with a bag of potato chips at my side with football playing on the television.
• While I’m on the side of many right-wing issues, one that I’m “eh” on involves capital punishment. The reason I sometimes get uneasy when someone gets a death sentence is because what if that person didn’t do the crime and is put down? Now if you’re on videotaped shooting an unarmed Quickie Mart clerk, then I want you to die. No appeals, no hearing about how you were abused as a kid, none of that shit. Die. However, if there’s the slightest shred of doubt, I would rather have someone spend the rest of his or her life in a cell 24/7. Of course, the problem with this is that this “life in jail” many times comes with television, Internet and other goodies, like anal sex. This is why I can’t fault victims and their families for wanting to see their assailant put to do death. If this would happen to me, I know I’d want the fucker dead. Hell, if given the chance, I’d probably try to off the bastard before deciding to call the cops. Why am I babbling about this? Here’s why.
This guy is a better person than me. I know the first thing I'd want to do as a free man is kill the bitch who put me in jail to begin with.
7 a.m.
• The Pirates got Adam LaRoche? Since when did this happen?
Man, Adam must have pissed off somebody big in Atlanta.
11:30 p.m.
• I feel safer already.
• Boy, we folks from the Keystone State are sure getting our tax money's worth. And Fast Eddie wants to raise them even more.
Figures this took place in eastern PA -- this week's snowfall wasn't that bad here. The salt trucks did what they could, but it's not like you can go out and instanly melt away the snow and ice right as it's coming down from the sky. Then again, this whole clusterfuck was pretty damn funny.
• DEVELOPING~!!!
And why exactly am I supposed to care about this?
• Damn, a $2.6 lottery payday only amounted to an $871,000 lump sum after taxes and all that stuff. I can't wait until these people claim bankruptcy.
If I ever won the lottery, I don't know if I'd go with the lump sum or the spread-it-out-over-30-year thing. It would probably depend on how much I'd be getting back. If I won some uber-large jackpot -- you know, those $100+ million Powerballs, I'd probably go with the 30-year deal. Not only would I get more money, but also getting seven figures over multiple years would be a good way to avoid the "lottery curse." If the amount was smaller, say, $2.6 million, I don't know what I'd do -- I'd have to see the 30-year payout. If it's not much more than the $870k, I might have taken the lump sum as well. Then again, I don't play the lottery so it's all a moot point.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 32: Hogan Made Wrestling
Even though he isn’t up-to-date on all the great white running backs of the NFL, it seems we both share an affection for Baldur’s Gate. (The PC game with Minsc and Boo, not the console version. Both games are solid in their own ways, but I lean toward Shadows of Amn.) He also shares an affinity with me for hating poor white trash. However, he doesn’t seem to care much for blogs, which makes me wonder what the hell he’s doing on this list in the first place. And talk about the power of premonition: from a post of mine in that “blog” thread I mentioned above.
6:30 p.m.
• OK. So I see this article on the wires.
No biggie. I wouldn't have even given this a second thought. After all, people are a crazy lot. However, below that article was this one.
Here was my favorite part.
And speaking of Valium, my out-of-control niece in law showed up for orientation at her hostess job that will probably last less than two weeks. She was with a few other people, and one of them is also a recovering drug addict who asked her, "So you're on methadone, too?" Well, that's one place I'll never eat at again. Pity, and the one time I went there before it was a good enough restaurant.
12 p.m.
• So the Frenchies have fast trains.
Great, now they can retreat faster than ever before.
• The Pirates beat the Astros 4-2 yesterday on Opening Day. But the Bucs were perfect at Minute Maid Park last year -- they didn't win a single game. Gee, maybe this really is year they turn everything around.
7:45 p.m.
• So I wasn’t feeling too inspired to write anything, seeing how I just spent 90 minutes out in the yard uprooting some shit. Jesus Christ, large roots are the suq. Anyway, I went over to the other place and found the following story. Leave it up to good ol’ Jesse Jackson and his poverty pimp posse to give me today’s installment of OMG BASEBALL IS A WHITE MAN’S GAME (except for all those Hispanics)~!
Hey, I got an idea. How about Rainbow PUSH open up its own scouting firm so they can show to those cracker general managers what they’re missing by not putting their resources to searching the ghetto for the next baseball great rather than, oh, I dunno, the Latin American market?
• Big Travel worse than Big Tobacco?
Wouldn’t “binge flying” be those Hollywood types hopping on private jets on a whim to zip from their 50,000 square-foot residence to their vacation home in Europe?
• I never liked Mickey Mouse, but his Muslim brother were around when I was a kid, I might have joined his club.
Awesome.
11:45 p.m.
• Every month or so I'll browse my OnDemand free movies just to see what's going on. For some reason the "Movieplex" selections don't always appear in the general "free movies" area, and oftentimes I'll forget it's even there. Today I remembered to check it, and lo' and behold what's on the plate for this month? The first five James Bond films. Tis' going to be a good month, tater.
• Uh, guys...
...you might want to think twice about striking. The space program doesn't have that same "oooh, ahhh" effect on the public as it did 40 years ago. Then again, this is the government we're talking about. Five-hundred percent raises for all.
3:45 p.m.
• Oh Karl Rove, why couldn't you have sped this up a bit? We might still be in charge of Congress otherwise.
I don’t get the big whoop terrorists have with airplanes. Why not strike an electrical grid or mess with out food supply? Believe me, you’d frighten many more people if they can’t use their air conditioner or go out for a Big Mac.
11 p.m.
• So Warrior was on Hannity and Colmes tonight. Do I need to say anything more? And good job Alan for defending the fans' right to boo during high school games against those two commies that you had on an earlier segment of the show. I can understand not wanting fans to swear and throw shit onto the field, but to not let people go "booo" during a free throw or a fourth-and-goal situation? Get out of here.
• I'm sure there's a Bill Clinton joke to be made here, but it's late and the KFC I had earlier tonight has me wanting to go on the disabled list. Why oh why do I think eating this shit is a good idea? And to make matters worse, I think I chipped a tooth way in the back. Eh, I don't use those ones anyway.
• So ESPN is doing these hippie "Day in the Life of" segments with athletes and I just saw one today featuring Jeff Garcia. Got married, eh? To a playmate no less. N*gga plz. I don't care if you like to toss the pigskin without a glove, but dude you're not fooling ANYONE with that performance.
10:30 p.m.
• Yeah, and then when the price of flags triple, these same people that want Old Glories made in the USA will bitch about the cost.
Yep. My state can't get so-called property tax reform in gear (which won't do anything for homeowners anyway), but we can work on this type of shit. Uh oh, I hope this doesn't make me a terrorist.
4 p.m.
• So I just got home from work and turned on ESPN, which just started an "Outside the Lines" story. What what it? Oh Christ, I missed the lead-in, but they're talking pardons, probably because of the Scooter Libby story mentioned below. Tim to hear about Willie Mays Aikens again.
For those that don't know, peep the Wik. For those too lazy, here's a rundown. Get it? Baseball, rundown? LOL2007.
Gag, I really hate this puff piece, which I have seen at least three times already. So you and Cal Ripken Jr. feel you served enough time? That's nice. Hey, don't want to be locked up until 2012? Here's hint. You ready? OK, here it is...
Don't sell crack to an undercover officer!
12:30 p.m.
• So W. just gave Scooter Libby a pseudo-pardon.
Whatever. Like I’ve said before when commenting on this situation, I don’t care. Of course I’m sure Democrats will say this is an OUTRAGE, but unless Libby is shares a cell with to Sandy “is that a classified document in your pants or are you just happy to see me” Burglar, I’m not paying attention. I previously commented that this is like the Republicans' Lewinsky-gate, but after seeing a few of Valerie Plame’s pics...
...I’d rather the roles were reversed and we were instead talking about Val giving oral pleasures. Yeah, I know she’s a whackjob, but it’s hard for her to bitch about “OMG MY TOP-SECRET COVER WAS EXPOSED” when her mouth is already full (or in my case, somewhat occupied).
8:45 a.m.
• So after mowing the lawn yesterday afternoon I noticed that there was still time to catch my niece-in-law’s championship softball game. I figured what the hell and went. Even though they lost by a score of 16-7, it was no worse than being in attendance at a Pirates game. And, oddly enough, her team was actually in the game –– except for that one inning where the other team scored 5 runs. And those other two innings where the other team scored 4 runs. Oh, and the parents weren't that bad. In fact, they were rather supportive –– even when someone on the other team made a good play.
Got home from work. Mowed the lawn. Attended some pee-wee sporting event. Makes me actually feel like an adult. Blech.
9 p.m.
• So I had O'Reilly on and he was talking about some hot ghetto mess Web site, and he said that this voyeuristic Web site is exploiting the inner city. He then made a side comment about how the ghetto really isn’t a mess and this is making the people of the inner city look bad. Uh, Bill.
8 p.m.
• Let's complete the humans-are-scum trifectia with this gem.
And what is this "alternative theory"?
Riiiiight. Here's the rest of the story. And LOL at the attorney firings. Just think, the one he kept offers the "alternative theory." Perhaps the other fired legal eagles had souls. Then again, probably not.
7:45 p.m.
• What the fuck is wrong with this world?
Christ only knows what happened to the other kittens. And perhaps those who compain about the teenage death not getting as much "attention" should have shown their outrage when it happened. Sad thing is the cat's probably going to die anyway and those little monsters will get counseling when they should be getting a special delivery from the Cancer Fairy.
4:30 p.m.
• As I'm typing JJ is taking a pee in the computer room litterbox. Sometimes I wonder if cats get annoyed if they're trying to do their business when someone else is in the room. I know I like to use stalls when in a public facility. God is that ever a gamble, hoping to find a toilet that's not clogged up with shit.
You know, as much as I think cigarettes are nothing more than a tax on the stupid, when will it end?
The reason I say this is because once there's not enough smokers to pay out these taxes, Big Government will come after some of the stuff I like, such as burgers, fries and soft drinks. Then again, they're already doing this, but the process will be sped up more.
1:30 p.m.
• So the better half and I had ESPN’s Mike and Mike on this morning, and they were talking about the Michael Vick case and how he’s been indicted for dog fighting. Now Mrs. kkk has a real soft spot for animals (you’d figure that out with the three cats we have), and when she heard that dogs in the Vick Manor were (allegedly) electrocuted, hung and shot, among other things, she turned the radio off. I turned it back on the local RIGHT-WING RADIO guy whose co-hosts she HATES, I then said something to her and turned my head and saw her in pre-cry mode, where her lower lip covers up her upper lip and the chin dimples start to show. Believe me, I know this look, seeing how she’s married to me. Anyway, just to be my usual asshole self, I said to her, “Now dear, this is part of their culture.” She shot back with the following remark, “Well it was part of our society’s culture to hang these niggers from a tree like they did those dogs and beat them to death. Maybe we should do that with these fucking assholes!”
Wow.
I couldn’t think of anything else to say but, “Baby, I love you.”
By the way, couldn’t Vick just own a meat processing plant and get his jollies from livestock getting killed? He could still bet money on how long it would take a cow to bleed to death or something.
8 p.m.
• So the baseball HOF ceremonies were this weekend, and one of my all-time favorite players, Tony Gwynn, got inducted. As a kid, there were a handful of baseball “heroes” I had during the 1980s. They were Gwynn, George Brett, Carlton Fisk and Fernando Valenzuela. That's all I got. Tony's the man.
• Oh I can’t wait to see how this shit gets enforced.
This part made me laugh.
• And speaking of enforcing laws, this shit blew my mind earlier this week.
So local governments aren’t allowed to take measures to stop the invasion and have to rely on the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT? God help us all. Also, I have no clue what political party Hazleton's mayor is, but if he would run for governor I'd vote for him.
• It’s bad enough parents don’t have time for their kids, but now they don’t have time for dogs?
Actually, this isn’t such a bad idea. I’d rather have someone rent-a-pooch for a few hours each week than have them buy a dog only to take it to the pound a few months later when the owner discovers that canines like to do things like walk and poop outside. And, unlike children, I'm sure the dogs don't care where they end up each day as long as they associate "home" with the business' kennel.
• I’m sure you can make a variety of cock jokes with this one.
If only they had choked their chickens, those guys wouldn't be dressed like one.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 15: Slayer
This poster really kills me. Get it? Kills me. Slayer. And who says I’ve given up on this countdown? Anyway, I’d have to say that Slayer is probably one of the truest libertarians at this place. He’s got enough common sense to stay away from liberal craziness, but at the same time he shakes his head whenever his red state of Kansas acts like … well, a red state. Actually, Slayer frequents this place much in the same way I do – get in a thread, say your one-liner, queer up the place and get out. He, naturally, does this much better than I do, which is why I guess he always goes way deeper than me in those poster tournaments. Then again, maybe he just steals vote counts like the Bush War Machine did in 2000 and 2004. Oh INXS, how I’ve missed your lunacy.
7 p.m.
• So Shittsburgh has a little mini-crisis of its own due to the Michael Vick case. No, Willie Parker doesn't have any cockfighting rings in his house, unlike Kordell Stewart ... ba-da-bing! Anyway, I could tell you the story, but why bother when I can get someone else to do it for me.
It's a really sad day when a person gets invited onto an OPINION show, tells the actual truth of the situation and gets hounded by two media outlets, one of which is him employer. Is it any surprise that the Post-Gazette is a steaming pile of liberal PC shit? Paul Zeise can post a comment on KK' Korner any time he wants. I mean, it's not like he's nl-asshole or anything.
• You know, every time I watch Star Wars, I get more questions than answers. For example, how does Lando run a mining business when he's up there in the clouds? I think the fact I don't know this makes me glad because it shows what level of Star Wars geekdom I'm at.
• Normally I'd say something like "OMG ur tAx dollarz @ wurk!" over something like this.
But then I got to the next paragraph.
4:15 p.m.
• Mother fucker. Going into the last game of the season, my NCAA 05 team loses 15-14 against eighth-ranked Penn State. So long faux-BcS national title shot. At least I made the Orange Bowl, so I won’t be getting fired. What killed me this game was that due to injury I only had three starting wide receivers, which really hurt my passing game. Two field goals could have been prevented, and I’m still trying to figure out how that touchdown pass with 42 seconds left got through my secondary. Oh well. It’s not like there’s an actual bona fide champion in Division I college football anyway. I’m just pissed that PSU beat me. Oh, and the game said this was the GREATEST FOOTBALL GAME OF ALL TIME afterward, or something like that. Well whoopie f’n doo.
9 a.m.
• I think what I find the funniest about this latest invasion article is that the Mexican government doesn’t even want this person over in their country.
9:45 p.m.
• Sonofabitch. I donated $10 for some fundraiser helping homeless animals, and this raffle was to use numbers from yesterday's "Big 4" state lottery. Two of my eight raffle numbers had "3" and "4" matching up, but that's it. Boo-urns.
• He wasn't checking out child porn. He was ... scouting.
• My God is the lip-synching for "Monday Night Football" terrible. The players introducing their teammates is so off.
1 p.m.
• Yeah, but we'll ask him the TUFF QUESTIONS!
Good God what a joke. I can only pray that this wacko is just scouting out the best spot in America to let off a nuke. Hey, Ahmad-whatever, there's some primo real estate over in Berkley if you're interested.
• Well, Toyota, expect to get a better market share after this gets played out.
8:45 p.m.
• I was never really a Britney Spears "hater," and it's pitiful to see what she has done to herself over the last few years. I also don't get this joke by Sarah Silverman at some award show she did.
Mistakes? If memory serves she squirted both out while married. Now granted the "mistake" was getting married and not getting ready to take on the challenges of parenthood. However, to call these two kids "mistakes" is just not funny. And this is ME who's saying this!
8:30 p.m.
• So I was reading one of my favorite threads -- 1000 Reasons Why ESPN Sucks -- and found this gem from a few days ago.
Well, Ol' Mikey sure can't call Vince a RACIST~! I was already a Vince Young fan. This only solidifies it even more.
2:45 p.m.
• Figures. The one job interview I actually wouldn’t have minded a “don’t call us we’ll call you” response from called me for a second round. Do I really want to do this? Sure I hate the assholes I work with, but I love what I do. How do I know that the work I do at another place will feel just as rewarding? How do I know this place’s management won’t be as bad or worse? Jesus, this is what Stockholm Syndrome must feel like to those abducted by the Mohammads of the world. Perhaps I can make my current situation work out. Perhaps there is a light to the end of this tunnel. Perhaps…
Hmm, what’s this? A CD-Rom full of stuff that I have to work on from the idiot boss is my mail slot. It wasn't there when I left work yesterday but was in there when I got in this morning. Oh, what’s this? The creation date for these files is dated more than 10 days ago. Oh, what’s this? An e-mail from a co-worker telling me the idiot wants to know when these will be finalized because they should have been done yesterday.
...
So my second interview is for Friday at 8:30 a.m.
10:15 p.m.
• Yeah, I know there's more to this story, but the lead paragraph just sounds funny to me.
9:15 p.m.
• So on the way home from work today we were driving through the black people part of the trip and went past some guy with a colorful jacket that featured patches of each NBA team sewed on. I didn’t notice it because I was too busy looking at traffic and shit, but Mrs. kkk did. The following conversation ensued. You can figure out who is who.
Hey look, it’s Jamal and the multi-colored robe.
Huh?
You know, Joseph and the multi-colored robe? From the Bible?
What?
You don’t know the story of Joseph and the multi-colored robe? The one where he gets sold into slavery by his brothers and they tear up his robe to show to their father?
The fuck?
*Goes on to tell the story up to the point where the robe is returned to dad*
Jesus Christ that’s depressing. Did Joseph at least get his revenge?
I don’t remember, but I think the story is about forgiveness.
Fuck that shit. I’d be pissed.
Well, his bones got returned back home with Moses.
I thought Moses didn’t make it back because God fucked him over about something.
That’s correct … sort of.
What exactly did Moses do?
He was trying to get water from hitting a rock. God said to do it one time and he did it twice.
That’s it?!
Yes. God said that showed a lack of faith on Moses’ behalf.
So he roams around in the desert for 40 fucking years, and God doesn’t believe he’s of faith? No wonder God’s a Jew.
What?
When it came time to pay the bill for Moses, God Jewed him, "Thanks for all your years of service, Moses, but you violated Page 490, Section XL, Article 4a, line 20 of our agreement. No promised land for you." If God tried to Jew me like that, I’d send all his people away to Detroit.
Why am I talking about the Bible with you?
Because you commented on Jamal’s mulit-colored coat.
THE END
That coat was pimp, too, what with the old Hawks logo. Jamal's, not Joseph's.
8:30 p.m.
• So earlier today I became one of “those customers.” I was going out for a few things, and I decided to get one of these new burrito things that Taco Bells was pimping. You know, the one with the “I’ll stop the world and melt with you” ads. Hey, it’s got meat, cheese and sour cream – can’t be all that bad. Problem is, when I approached the drive-thru I couldn’t remember what this product was called. No problem. There will probably be a sign or ad pimping this new item. No such luck – some hippie crap about putting chili on nachos. Now the drive-thru speaker lady is talking. Fuck. Scan that menu. It has to be on there. Nothing. Oh Christ, I have to say it.
“Can I get that burrito that’s been advertised a lot lately?”
“You mean the Cheesy Beefy Melt? Do you want that in a combo?”
Grilled stuffed burrito. Sonofabitch. Oh well, it was worth the humiliation. Well, I wasn't as bad as the old lady at the Burger King drive-thru years ago asking my co-worker if we had fish sticks or macaroni, among the dozen-plus other items we didn't have because she hadn't left her house since the Truman administration (it was a Lenten Friday -- God did those shifts suck).
• Swift Terror brought up Land of the Dead, and it finally forced me to think back to when I saw it a few months back. I liked it. I’m not what you consider a zombie movie fan. I have nothing against them, but I’m nowhere near a fanatic like some others are with this genre. Then again, if that’s what they like to see, then more power to them. Anyway, the whole “Dead” film series is mostly “eh” to me. “Night” was there, and it’s probably my favorite of the three. I never really cared for “Dawn,” and “Day” was OK. I remember as a kid a classmate always saying, “Fucking ‘a, biggest piece of meat in the cave,” and never knew where he got it from. So with this in mind, I always had “Land” pegged as one of those movies that I was in no hurry to see but wanted to get around to doing so before dying. Well now I can rest in peace, I guess. Wasn’t too bad. Yeah, it was a bit cheesy with the whole zombies-of-the-world-unite thing going, and I’m sure there’s some social commentary with the whole “Uniontown” thing that I missed because I’m an evil right-winger. However, there is an actual Uniontown about an hour or so from Shittsburgh, or whatever the city was called in the movie, so I’ll give this a pass.
• So the better half has been sporadically watching that Bret Michaels Flavor-of-Love rip-off every now and then, and this evening she had the FINAL DECISION EPISODE on. Long story short: this guy had to choose from the stripper and the psycho. Longer story shorter: Bret couldn’t decide between these two up until the very end, so he asked each if they wouldn’t mind sharing him with the other. The stripper said sure, the psycho said no. The psycho won. Jesus Christ how stupid can some people be? And if you’re looking for “true love,” wouldn’t you know before asking two chicks if they wouldn’t mind being part of a threesome? I just pray everyone on that show doesn’t vote.
• Al Gore got a Nobel Prize. Yay, and stuff.
What a prestigious award. Too bad Arafat’s dead – they could have been BFF.
• Uh oh, don’t you know that …well, whatever the hell is going on here…
…is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male?
10 p.m.
• So whenever I’m on the computer JJ usually hops up and rolls around on the desk vying for attention or whatever he does.
Funny thing is this is the same cat that stays 10 feet away from me at all times unless I have this certain green linty blanket over myself (or if I just scraped out some earwax from my ear canal). Anyway, this evening I was scratching him on his side/belly, and I guess he didn’t take too kindly to that sort of thing so he began clawing me. Now even though this cat is rather powerful, he’s the biggest coward I’ve ever seen. When he tries to act tough in instances like this it’s a lesson in futility. You want to get hardcore, I’ll get hardcore. I began scratching his side with one hand while distracting him with my other hand, which was right in front of his face. The look of confusion he gave was priceless, and the only thing he could think of doing was batting the hand in front of him while unable to do anything about the hand that was actually violating his personal barrier. I’d say he’s a better lover than a fighter, but he’s neutered so he’s got the worst of both worlds.
Oh, and here's the aforementined "magic" blanket.
• Just to let you know, I heard my crack-whore sister-in-law wants to work as one of those tax people for H&R Block. She also wants to get this $3,000 trailer and move to this trailer park but can’t yet afford either the vehicle/home or the $200/month lot fee. She also told my mother-in-law that it’s her dream to have her boyfriend, her crack-whore daughter, the crack-whore daughter’s live-in boyfriend and have a happy holiday dinner. Did I mention the Christmas tree? Oh, and my welfare-collecting test-tube-kid-producing in-law relatives: the matriarch just told her welfare-collecting aunt (who got $10,000 worth of renovations done to her house compliments of my tax dollars and always seems to cater family events at said house) that she wants a Wii for Christmas. God poor people piss me off.
I might as well leave on a happy note: My brother-in-law and his family will have some "haunted trail" thing going on this weekend for the kids in his neighborhood, and I was recruited as one of the monsters, meaning I'll get to scare children and unlike other instances when I do so it will be perfectly acceptable.
7:45 p.m.
• So the BcS thingy came out this week and OMG some team that’s not USC, LSU or another representative from Big University is ranked second. Whatever. Look, you pro-bowl fuckwads keep saying the regular season is like one big playoff. Well, that Florida team is unbeaten. So quit yer bitchin’. They’ll lose soon enough and you fags can put some other Top 10 regular in its slot. If this team keeps on winning, then shut your piehole and revel in your REGULAR SEASON PLAYOFF~!
7 p.m.
• Time for more fun work stories. So the idiot boss turned an effective ad that my co-worker and I were working on and instead queered it up by demanding cartoony clip art instead of presentable stock photos. When I showed the better half what the idiot thought “looked good,” she burst into laughter and said, “It looks like something a 10-year-old would do.” Fittingly enough, we have been getting ZERO response on these ads. Anyway, last this most recent ad was in the hands of my capable supervisors on Wednesday, and I was to hear of a final draft by the end of the week. Friday came and went. No word. This ad was due today. I sent them all an e-mail on Sunday while in the office (just making sure I have documentation if I get questioned as to I “really was” on the job) letting them know this ad was due Monday. This morning I get an e-mail from the idiot asking me to – surprise -- print him another copy of this ad. Oh, yeah, we also found out today through an “informant” that when he becomes head honcho he plans to make my aforementioned co-worker into his own “department.” Uh, let’s not get too far, Tex. How about starting off slow, like, say, allowing him to utilize his marketing budget, which is only ¼ used because he’s not allowed to travel and bring in business. Oh, yeah. It’s been several months and we still haven’t replaced another co-worker who died because the idiot can’t find any “administrative professional” willing to work a shit job for a shit boss for $8/hour. Damn Bush economy.
Oh, yeah. My current head boss told another co-worker who's been working at this place for 20+ years that she makes more money than a publc school teacher. Yeah. If the teacher was back in 1950.
• So I just found out this cunt of a professor/advisor I had back in college just had her husband pass away. Sadly, my first thought was “Guess he couldn’t take any more and took the easy way out with cancer or heart disease.” Christ I’m such a horrible person.
9 p.m.
• I’ve said before that I really don’t have a favorite MLB team. If forced to pick one from each league, I’d say that my favorite AL team would be the Angels and the NL team would be the Cardinals. However, I really don’t care. But come playoff time I generally pick a team or two and hope they do well. The odd thing was I didn’t really know which team to pick. I’d go with the Angels, but I had a feeling that they’d get beat early. I was right. I wasn’t too keen on the Rockies, because they seemed like the popular pick, so I passed. Oh what the hell, the Indians haven’t won shit in a long time. Go Tribe.
• So when Mrs. kkk bitched about yesterday’s “Book Fund” incident, she was annoyed. Today, she was pissed. She got a memo from university HQ telling all employees that they must “donate” to the United Way. Not only does the better half hold this nonprofit in high regard, but she’s pissed that the money collected would go to the United Way in Allegheny County, not the county where we reside. What did she do? She threw the memo away because when she went to fill out the online form there was no way to put $0.00 in the “donate” field. Baby, I love you. Personally, I would have donated $0.01, but what might be a better idea is to donate to some extreme right-wing cause, like saving unborn babies from being murdered, and then sending the receipts to university HQ.
Oh, yeah, she also got a human resources document about the university’s authoritive blacktion policy that said “IF YOUR RACE HAS CHANGED IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS, PLEASE INDICATED WHAT YOU ARE NOW.” I told her to put down “Eskimo.” They need representation.
• Speaking of universities, you know what I love about these institutions of so-called higher learning? The way they openly embrace points of view.
4:30 p.m.
• So the idiot boss got a call from someone he was to interview for this job in the office. Now they’re going to pay this person $8/hour, so naturally the responses to this opening have been, well, let’s say “less than overwhelming.” Anyway, this person asked the idiot what the “salary range” is. The idiot’s response? “It depends on the qualifications.” BWAHAHAHAHA~! Yeah, if she has more than 10 years experiences, she might get $8.25. Surprisingly, after that the person never came back for a second interview.
• I think I found a way to counter those people that drive around with the booming bass systems in their vehicle. Yesterday we were beside one of these people at a red light, so I cranked up the treble in our car where all you could hear was the singer’s voice. Worked out pretty well, if I do say so myself, even though my ears were ringing for a few minutes afterward.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 7: Vern Gagne
When trying to think of a significant moment or two from Mr. Gagne, I can’t come up with anything. Much like sfaJack, Vern has always been one of those posters who have been just “there.” That’s not a bad thing mind you. He hates his commie state. Man, he started that thread when I was in Ohio.
Jesus Christ, was this a long time ago. Duh-Whine? Voinobitch? Ha, he said “Paul Welfare.” Those were the days. Speaking of “the days,” I take back what I said about Vern with my first sentence. How the hell did I forget this blast from the past. But why is Vern ranked so high up? Because he's the Conservative Brigade member who loads the ammo inside the tank.
8:15 p.m.
• I forgot that Foxy Brown was in jail. Wow, she's hardcore.
She's on a few songs as a guest vocalist for some of the albums in my collection, but I never cared for her. How did she get into jail again?
Going to Rikers for that? Oh well, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
6:15 p.m.
• Got this from the other place. Don't you know that not killing enough Muslims to keep gravediggers employed is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male..
The Bush economy strikes again. Boy, this really is a global economy.
• I don't go to casinos because I have better ways to flush my money down the toilet, but what exactly is a Players Club card? I ask because a homeless man has one.
