I must have slept in an awkward position last night because I woke up early this morning with one of those nagging headaches. You know, the kind that isn’t quite up to “throbbing” status, but yet it is persistent enough to make you feel like doing nothing – and even when you are doing nothing, it is not as fun as it should be because you have that little pounding going on up there in your cranium (sort of like what you are experiencing right now reading this entry). Since I couldn’t go back to sleep, I began some channel surfing. It’s always interesting to do this once in a while during a part of the day when you are not normally accustomed to watching television; I guess it is a chance to see what those people that are usually up with nothing to do in the wee-hours of the morning have at their disposal for entertainment. As a kid I always used to love staying up late on Sunday nights when I didn’t have to go to school Monday. I don’t know why; the night just seemed so … different. Oh well.
While going through various channels, I came across some profile story of Kathie Lee Gifford. I never had a problem with this chick, but then again I never watched her show with Regis. I’m sure reading my stories about the better half and the cats are annoying enough; I’d imagine having to hear about someone’s two kids on a daily basis would be worse. Still though, I’m not going to badmouth her. The only thing that disturbed me during this show was when she said that a person once called and asked her to make a CD filled with inspirational songs. Her response to this guy was that she would “pray on it,” and then she actually did so. Pray on it? Whenever someone says shit like that I get a little scared. I mean, what exactly do you do when you pray on something like this? “Uh, hi, God. I know you’re up there doing your thing – starting hurricanes, bringing life into this world, waiting for Allah to raise his pocket aces (boy is he going to be mad when you bust out your queen-high straight; and she isn't even wearing a burka), but I was wondering if you could help me out in this bind. No, I’m not asking for your assistance with a cancer-stricken family member. I’m also not wishing you to give me the resolve to leave my cheating scumbag husband. The reason I’m calling you today is because this guy wants me to sing on this album that will undoubtedly be popular with Middle America and bring in a bunch of money. What should I do?” Yeesh.
After watching this show I flipped through a few more channels and came across this A&E Biography on the "Brady Bunch" television show. Why in the hell did I watch this? Oh, I know: to learn that Cousin Oliver did the voice of Michelangelo in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I haven’t seen the sequels, but I really liked the first movie. In fact, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” was one of the few films I watched multiple times in the theater. That and “Weekend at Bernie’s.” (Don’t ask why, because I couldn’t give you an answer.) However, I was a Raphael fan, so I still say fuck Cousin Oliver for single-handedly ruining the “Brady Bunch.” Sure the show was probably crapping out at around this point in the series, but it’s easier, and more fun, to put all of the blame on some kid with glasses and a bowl haircut. Speaking of the “Brady Bunch,” years ago I remember Eve Plumb, the chick who played Jan, on a talk show, and when taking questions from the audience some girl asked Eve if she could do her infamous “Marsha Marsha Marsha” line. Wow, was Eve an asshole to that audience member. Her reply went something like, “Why don’t you just say it again since you obviously know how it goes.” Eve then started pimping her hippie artwork. Listen here, bitch, I get that you are probably sick of people you’ve never seen before approaching you and asking you to do a line or two from your years as Jan Brady, but that’s part of the deal you signed up for all those years ago while your 15 minutes of fame were ticking away. And now you want us to buy your shitty paintings. What you should have done during this talk show is mention how it’s been decades since your “Brady Bunch” stint and that you are always asked to say lines from this brief period of your life, adding how tiresome this can get at times. Then look at that audience member, give a wink and simply say those three repeated words your fans want to hear. Maybe then you would have been able to sell off some of your retarded art.
Side note: the actor who played Oliver is also born on the same day I was, just 12 years earlier. Weird.
My final stop on the channel surfing express came when I stumbled across C-Span’s “Washington Journal.” The reason I stopped here was because something caught my eye – it was the contact information listed at the bottom of the screen telling you what phone numbers to call to get on the show. During the Clinton Administration, C-Span started this gay policy where if you were a certain ideology you had to call a certain number to comment on the air. (RIGHT-WING MEDIA said this was because too many callers were getting through ragging on Bill Clinton.) Well, now the numbers are still segregated, but instead of “Democrats,” “Republicans,” and “Independents,” the phone numbers they had listed were “If you support Democrats,” “If you support the President,” and “Independents.” What about Republicans who don’t support the President? OMG MAINSTREAMLIBERALBIAS! I have no idea when this new phone number listing started. (I can't remember the last time I watched this show for more than three minutes.) The real reason I wanted to bring up “Washington Journal” is to reminisce about my all-time favorite moment on this show. Years ago when Newt Gingrich was still Speaker of the House, C-Span had this reporter on talking about some political issue of the day. This lady was obviously a liberal and had that holier-than-thou smugness many journalists have when covering politics; that kind of sideline jeering that no matter what a politician does it is the wrong decision and children will die. Anyway, this lady had something wrong with her teeth; I can't remember if she was wearing braces or if there was some wiring around her mouth, but it was obvious that she had spent quite a bit of time at a dentist’s office. This prompted an old lady to call in and berate this journalist for saying mean things about Newt. The caller then made a remark about this journalist’s teeth and hung up. In one fell swoop, some 80-year old from a red state shut up both the reporter (she looked like she was about to cry) and the “Washington Journal” host. Were the caller’s remarks mean-spirited? Sure. But they were also funny as hell.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 58: King PK
He’s a mod that likes fiddling with the folders, much to the chagrin of some posters. He’s also an ass when it comes to NFL teams being in the correct division. But goddamn do I love that Avatar.
• Well it’s been one year since Hurricane Katrina hit and we got to see the Great Society in all of its glory. And while journalists are commemorating the occasion with reflections of how heroic they were during this time last year in their reporting of mass rapes and cannibalism at the Superdome, it’s made me reflect and think of how lucky I am to be living near the Shittsburgh area.
Yeah, you heard me.
It’s hard for hurricanes to move in this far inland, and if Shittsburgh gets slammed, then I’m sure Philadelphia would be taken out first, which is a sacrifice I can deal with (wiping out Harrisburg when the state legislature is in session would be a bonus, too). I don’t think there are any nearby active volcanoes, and although we see a tornado every now and then we aren’t in Tornado Alley. The area doesn't face water shortages like the Desert Southwest, and it’s never too hot or too cold, at least when compared to Alaska and Florida. I guess nothing, not even bad weather, wants to stop by this neck of the woods. In fact, the only disasters I have to deal with around here are Democrats. Sure they may take my house via eminent domain (as probably would most Republicans), but at least I'd get "fair market" value and not be BUTT-fucked by my insurance company should a tornado touch down on my property line.
• So it looks like that guy who claimed to witness JonBenet Ramey’s death probably lied about his involvement with this case. Don’t care. Whenever there is a media storm like this I run for cover by watching DVDs and playing video games until it is safe to turn back on cable news. My only question in this whole fiasco is what the hell is up with those pants?
• This is why I hate it when "children" are mentioned in a story.
Who gives a shit? The man died. Would it have been better if this happened during rehearsal or something when nobody was around? Damn this acrobat. Why did you have to die in front of the CHILDREN?
• If this is indeed true, I’m surprised Amnesty International isn’t all up in a tizzy over this. After all, one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male is have him watch an animation of himself having gay sex with Satan.
• Now this is funny. However I’m a bit suspicious over the authenticity of this bathroom banter.
Bitch you knew your mic was on the whole time. No married woman says such things about her lesser half.
11:45 a.m.
• Wonder if this was featured in Mikey Moore's latest film?
Boy, it's a good thing those new moms got all this at no charge thanks to Canada's FREE health care. Perhaps Mikey didn't mention this because these people were nothing but plants by the corporations.
9:15 a.m.
• Whenever I wake up in the morning, there's always at least one of our three milling around, or on, the bed.
Animals may not be as "smart" as humans, but I'd take their instincts over what's printed in textbooks during many of life's instances.
7:15 a.m.
• So I finally got around to watching “Batman Begins” last night (like I’ve said before, I don’t watch movies in the theaters all that often, so I normally wait until they come out on DVD). All I can say is … wow. Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Katie Holmes ... Morgan Freeman. Awesome stuff. I actually liked the first part of the film when more of a “backstory” was presented than when all the action took place. I’m not a big comic book guy, but Batman was one of my favorites. This of course means I had at one time a dozen or so of his comics. I didn’t see “Batman” coming out of Christian Bale (who I never heard of up to this point), but that’s not a knock on him. It’s just whenever I hear “Batman” the first image that pops into my head is Michael Keaton –– similar to how I think of Roger Moore whenever I hear the words “James Bond,” even though I always liked the Sean Connery movies better. I’m sure I’ll feel the same way when the Joker is featured in the next movie, which is what I’ve read about in the TSM Movie folder. That white-and-green bad guy will always be Jack to me.
• While I'm on the subject of movies –– que?
9:30 p.m.
Time for another pic of the kids.
For those that remember the picture of Max trying to pal up with Dessa on the bed, this one was taken a bit more recently. As you can clearly see by the look on her face, Dessa has really warmed up to Max in the 2+ years we've had him. It's quite amusing to watch all three of them fight over domain of the recliner.
12:15 p.m.
• Wow, even four out of the five Communists on the High Court agreed with the more conservative judges on this one.
Awww, poor baby. Hey Harris. Fuck you. I hope you remember what a dumbfuck you were every time your diaper needs to be changed.
I’ve heard the complaints from those that say these things put the public in danger, and if someone lost a family or friend because some shithead was going 80 mph in a residential area in an attempt to get away from the po-pos because he has a warrant out for his arrest, then I feel your pain. However, instead of taking it out on the cops, how about taking it out on the, oh, I don’t know, CRIMINALS? I’ve advocated for years that people who engage the cops on high-speed car chases should have an attempted murder count charged against them for every motorist they pass by.
• So I heard on the radio that the Warriors are up three games to one on the Mavericks. Now that's funny.
• Before this gets too outdated, what the hell was up with that psycho bitch on the Tonight Show? She claims Colin Farrell was harassing her and she walks onto the stage in the middle of a taping? Bitches be trippin'. From the article:
So that's what happened to Rolanda. I wondered where she went after that talk show.
• The Penguins just signed (again) winger Mark Recchi after trading him to the Carolina Hurricanes last year, where he won another Stanley Cup. I just find this funny for some reason. Couple this with the N.Y. Islanders now having its back-up goalie as the team's new General Manager and I have to ask how can anyone not like the NHL?
• First soccer players are head-butting opponents. Now jockeys are head-butting their horses. Nice.
• Here we go with Part VI. If you don't know what this is, then too bad.
Disagree.
What if you are at the top or bottom of this society? Who do you obey/command then? Besides, there are quite a few people I know who can’t command themselves, let alone other people.
Disagree.
I don’t care about this one. I’m sure you can fling pooh against a wall and someone will find a picture of two horses fucking or see the Mona Lisa; whether or not she's banging farm animals is up to the person looking at this "art."
Agree.
Should rehabilitation be factored into a convict’s sentence? Sure. But why rehab someone who’s getting the needle? You can make a case that this goes against my “accept discipline” answer from earlier, but obviously if you’re in jail you don’t know how to prevent from being disciplined, so too bad.
Agree.
See my answer above.
Agree.
Artists are starving enough. If you didn’t have the person creating the goods for these creative types, they wouldn’t survive long enough to get to the second act or chapter of their masterpiece.
Disagree.
Not if they are childless or unmarried; their first duty is not to be a burden to society. In Happy World it would be best if a couple that popped out some kids had one adult in the house; it doesn't matter if it was either mom or dad bringing home the bacon.
Agree
Hooray exploitation. I’m sure the company heads are smarter than the “leaders” of these pissant countries, so I’m certain Big Company is getting a sweet deal. More power to them.
Disagree.
I don’t think it’s an “aspect” moreso than a “result” of maturity. It also often means that you finally got your hippie ass a job and some investments.
Disagree.
Next.
Developing...
6 p.m.
• Well the drive home wasn’t bad at all. The roads weren’t bad, traffic was light. I was almost getting a woody until I came to this one crappy “s curve” stretch of road where there was suddenly a backup due to an accident. As I drove by I noticed two pickup trucks had collided. My guess: Someone was driving faster than they should have. This brings me to my philosophy of driving in crappy weather. Respect the elements, but don’t fear them. If you are afraid to drive when Mother Nature is dropping flakes of frozen precipitation, then DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE. However, just because you are driving some “all terrain” vehicle, that doesn’t mean you should be acting like it’s 80 degrees and sunny. In fact, while driving home today some “yo man” (a term I use to describe someone from the “wigger” classification) in a SUV was in the midst of swerving into the left-hand lane because I was only going the speed limit and almost sideswiped a fellow motorist. After that guy laid on the horn the “yo man” went back into my lane and kept his distance. Idiot.
Well the better half is already dropping hints that she doesn’t want me going into work tomorrow. Whenever there is a forecast involving shitty weather, she always reminds me 10-12 times per hour. This is because I have the “final say” as to whether or not we are to go into work for that particular day. Is this another example of male oppression? No. She just doesn’t like making decisions herself. It’s funny because on snowy days while I’m the shower she’ll have the morning news on, ready to give me a full report on what schools/functions have been cancelled, all while not directly telling me that she just wants to go back to bed and sleep until noon. And whenever I agree with staying in she will say for the rest of the day, “Well you’re the one who wanted to stay home.” I can’t wait to see what she does if I decide to go into work should this expected freezing rain doesn’t arrive.
Ha. I just had a flashback to my 11th grade Horticultural class. Yes, I hated science and chose to go in a retard science class because I didn’t want to lean about chemicals and all that shit. No sir. I was in with all the burn-outs and vo-tech students. One of that year’s highlights was when we had a COLORING BOOK for one nine-week grading quarter. Oh the memories are now coming back to me, but for now I’ll just elaborate on the “rabbits.” The teacher for this class had a greenhouse set-up in the upper level/attic of our school, and we all went up there one day where he showed up the rabbits he had up there. He was trying to mate them, and we were to supervise them while he went and did something else. Once we opened up the divider thingy separating the male bunny from the female bunny, the male went to town. The two females in our group had a look of disgust while the dozen-plus males were laughing to the point of tears, especially when the male rabbit was humping the side of the female. Ever since that day, trying to “mate the rabbits” was an often-requested in-class assignment.
• Um, even though this really doesn’t need any comments, kkk-ommentary will be in boldface. You’ll probably guess where this started before being told in the third paragraph.
Ha. I just had a flashback to my 11th grade Horticultural class. Yes, I hated science and chose to go in a retard science class because I didn’t want to lean about chemicals and all that shit. No sir. I was in with all the burn-outs and vo-tech students. One of that year’s highlights was when we had a COLORING BOOK for one nine-week grading quarter. Oh the memories are now coming back to me, but for now I’ll just elaborate on the “rabbits.” The teacher for this class had a greenhouse set-up in the upper level/attic of our school, and we all went up there one day where he showed up the rabbits he had up there. He was trying to mate them, and we were to supervise them while he went and did something else. Once we opened up the divider thingy separating the male bunny from the female bunny, the male went to town. The two females in our group had a look of disgust while the dozen-plus males were laughing to the point of tears, especially when the male rabbit was humping the side of the female. Ever since that day, trying to “mate the rabbits” was an often-requested in-class assignment.
12:15 p.m.
• Well, now the snow is coming down full-tilt. If tonight's freezing rain predictions are correct, I doubt I'll be heading in to work tomorrow. No way I'm risking wrecking the car for just one workday's commute. Yeah, I'll do that, then fuck up my transportation situation for days, weeks even, while the car gets towed off to an auto shop. One of my life's mottos is "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Remember that, young ones. Except for The Thread Killer, who's older than me and probably already knows this as well.
8:30 a.m.
• A picture is worth a thousand words, or at least a sarcastic remark or two.
A few days ago I was talking about Lottery People and how they are different from you and me. To recap, there are two basic types of Lottery People: Those that play games like Powerball and those that go the scratch-off-and-win route. In my recent entry I talked about the “numbers” addicts, and said that for as pathetic as these people are the scratch-off zombies are worse.
Now trying to determine which faction of Lottery People are worse is like trying to decide if you would rather encounter a bunch of black people or Mexicans in a dark alley with $100 in your hand; it usually comes down to one’s personal experiences. While the “Powerball” Lottery People have annoyed me more often during my time working at the Quickie Mart, the “Instant Win” Lottery People have produced more memorable encounters. There’s one that tops them all, however, and it’s a wonder I didn’t get fired from this one.
It started off innocently enough. This middle-aged chick came in and bought a bunch of $2 instant-win tickets. She seemed harmless. Not only did she come at a time when the store wasn’t busy, but also she went to a corner of the store to do her scratching. Many times Instant Win Lottery People just stay at the register and muck up the counter with that scratch-off residue. However, about 10 minutes later she came up to me and said that the one lottery ticket was “defective” and wanted a new one. Whenever a cashier receives a winning instant lottery ticket he or she has to first scan the ticket in the lottery machine. The machine will then ask for a three-digit code that is found on the instant-win ticket. It is only then when a payout is issued. If the three numbers aren’t punched in, there’s no cash payout. (This was back 10 years ago, so I’m not sure if the same process has to be performed.) The issue this woman had was that when she scratched the shit out of her cards she was erasing this three-digit code, too, making her tickets void.
There was a problem with this woman’s request. One of the first things I was taught at the Quickie Mart was NEVER to exchange a used lottery ticket. Now when you’re at a dead-end job you have “rules” that are commonly broken in the name of shutting up whining customers or something of that ilk. Then there are those rules that you are not allowed to bend under any circumstances. Anything dealing with the Pennsylvania lottery fell under the latter. I told this woman that I couldn’t take her “defective” ticket and give her a new one. She started getting pissy with me and whipped out the old, “Well the other guy who works here gave me new tickets,” to which I replied, “I’m not that other guy. And the other guy wasn’t supposed to do that.” This bitch then took out a pen from her purse and demanded to know what my name is, even though my nametag was right in front of her face. I responded by grabbing a writing utensil of my own and asking for her name and phone number. When she asked why I said, “So when you tell your lies to my manager about me I can call you on your line of bullshit.” I never got a number. And she did end up calling my manager. It turns out the “other guy” she had referred to was the boss’s husband.
While I’m talking about Instant Win Lottery People, here is my second most memorable moment. It was Christmas Day 1996 and our lottery machine was down. Now once again one of our “never break under any circumstances” rules was that when the lottery machine goes down you don’t pay out any tickets or sell any non-scratch tickets. Well of course because there are plenty of lazy people out there who give out lottery tickets as presents, I turned away quite a few customers with winning scratch-off tickets. This one guy threw a fucking fit over not being able to get his $1 prize. I told him that the computer system is down and there is nothing I can do. He then whipped out the old, “What’s the big deal? It’s only a $1 ticket,” to which I replied, “Well if it’s only a $1 payout, then what’s the big deal of waiting for when I am permitted to accept the ticket?” He then started to storm out and said those famous words every cashier has heard a million times: “I’m never coming back here again.” This prompted my co-worker at the other register to mutter out “oooooo.” The customer was half-way out the door, stopped, turned back around and yelled, “OK, who said 'OOOOOO'?” My co-worker put his head down and the idiot customer walked up to him and said, “What’s your name?” and looked at his nametag. “Derrick. I’ll remember that name, Derrick.” By this time I was biting down on my tongue so hard that if I had put any more pressure on it I would have tasted blood. I looked at Derrick and replied, “Good job. Now I’m going to have to laugh out loud at this guy while he’s still here,” and began to do just that. This sparked a chain reaction with the other customers in the store. When it was all said and done about a dozen people in the store laughed this guy right out of the place. I don’t know if he ever called to complain about Derrick.
Well Super Bowl XL has come and gone, and I might as well make the obvious “The real MVP for the Steelers were the referees loloneforthethumb2006,” joke and continue on with a few thoughts.
• While Seattle got hit with a few calls, I don’t think it was as bad as some people are saying. For example, I thought the Roethlisberger rushing touchdown was good; even though he tucked the ball in as he was landing on the turf, the ball was extended enough to touch the goal line when he was in mid-air. By no means was this an easy call to make, and it took me almost as much time as it took the officials who reviewed the play to confirm my decision.
That offensive pass interference call which cost Seattle a touchdown is another penalty I don’t have a problem with. Even though Darrell Jackson barely touched the defender covering him, he was still blocking the opponent right in front of an official, and when viewed in real time it looked a lot worse than it did in slow motion. The sad thing about this play is that it appeared Jackson already had position on his defender and didn’t need to do that push off.
The few penalties I had problems/questions about were that one holding call which erased a play that put Seattle on the Steeler one-yard-line and the “cut block” penalty assessed to Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. I was also curious as to why Steeler linebacker Joey Porter didn’t get a penalty called on him for taking down Shaun Alexander with what looked like a horsecollar tackle. (I could be wrong on this one, but it stuck out when I watched the play.)
• Big Ben has played better postseason games, and that one interception deep in Seahawk territory reminded me of Rodney Harrison’s pick in last year’s AFC Conference Championship game. However, Ben did have his moments. The most notable was when he scrambled out of the pocket, took note of where the line of scrimmage was, not to mention the location of the nearest defenseman, and threw a 37-yard pass to Hines Ward that set up his team's first touchdown.
• My surprise stat of the night: Alexander’s 95-yard rushing effort. I did a double take when I saw how many yards he gained with his 20 carries.
• I agree that Hines Ward should have been the MVP with five catches for 123 yards and a touchdown, as well as a key first-down run that knocked a Seattle safety out for the game. In addition, most of his catches were for first downs, and a number of them were caught despite being poorly thrown by Roethlisberger.
• I wasn’t sure about Seattle's chances coming in. I felt they had all the tools to win, but they never proved to me during the regular season that they could beat stellar competition on the road or on a neutral field. Despite several dropped passes, and some questionable clock management, they showed that they could compete; just not win. For the most part their defense played tough. However, they gave up four plays that gained 155 yards, nearly half of the Steelers' 339 total for the game. My doubts about the Steelers blitzing against the Seahawks' pass protection schemes were proven right for the most part, and Seattle's passing game showed that they could move the ball against Pittsburgh's secondary. But when it came time to make the big play, penalty-free of course, they came up short.
• This game may have been ugly, but the commercials were worse. The only ads I liked were from Budweiser; topping the list was the “streaker” ad. Oh, and after hearing that godawful rendition of our country's National Anthem, I understand why the NFL outsourced the job of halftime entertainment to a group overseas instead of going with some homegrown Motown sounds. I'm sure the NFL even got a great price considering the "wear and tear" of the band they selected.
• I’m happy for Bill Cowher finally winning the big game, because I’m so sick of hearing local idiots around the Shittsburgh area constantly criticizing him and suggesting he needs to be fired. While I have said many times that the Steelers are one of the biggest underachieving teams since the early 1990s, I base this on the fact they have lost four Conference Championship games at home and won one game that they didn’t deserve to win. In addition, in 1992 they had the top seed and lost to Buffalo in the Divisional Round. However, it’s better to have a coach that can get your team to five Conference Championship games in a losing effort than to have a coach which can’t get your team into one.
I remember watching Cowher's first game with the Steelers. Coaching legend Chuck Knoll had retired, and this thirty-something guy with a noticeable chin was taking over. The first game of the Cowher regime was in a hostile Astrodome environment up against a Houston Oilers team that was one of the AFC's best. After not doing much of anything on their first drive of the game, the Steelers faked a punt that was good for a long gain. This gutsy play-call set up an early-game score, taking the crowd out of the rest of game. Ever since then, Cowher has been a fixture on the Steeler sideline, and now, thanks to this championship, he's going to be a fixture in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
• Even though I'm from the Shittsburgh area, I consider myself to be nonpartisan when it comes to the local sports teams. This run the Steelers went on late in the season and in the playoffs was nothing short of amazing. After all those years of coming up short when given home field in the postseason, it's funny to see this team win it all while having to play on the road in some of the most hostile stadiums in the NFL. And while this city loves you guys, don't expect it to last long. While listening to Mark Madden's sports radio show this afternoon, there were several callers already talking about how this team will fare in 2006-2007 with the dozen or so players eligible for free agency in the upcoming off-season.
So exactly how many more months are there until mini-camp?
• I love local news, and not in a good way. While Medium-Large Media have their own agenda and chose to ignore stories that don’t have to deal with Abu Ghrab and Halliburton, the more local stations focus on the good stuff, like cops catching some kids peeing in a water supply. A local story in my neck of the woods (although Drudge has since picked it up on his site) deals with this 10-year old who is protesting, with her parents’ consent, over getting “picked on” by school administrators for wearing mini-skirts to class. Of course, with this added attention, I’m sure it will just lure in some of her male classmates to oogle her without knowing why they’re doing so. And of course if something happens to her, like a when group of boys trying to look up her dress at the bottom of a stairwell, her parents will be the first ones bitching to the school about this inappropriate behavior.
Well I see this sort of thing isn't just limited to my neck of the woods. Maybe if parents cared about the quality of education their kids were receiving as they did with the local school's dress code, we as a country might fare better in those academic competitions where we always get beat by those dang Asians.
• As of this writing it looks like the Pirates are still be winless this year, leaving them and the Phillies the only teams without a victory so far this season. And while this team sucks on the field, their marketing department is even worse; then again it’s not like they have much to work with. This year’s slogan/campaign is “We will…” Before the season started, these two words were followed up by words like “Persevere,” “Fight” and “Not give up.” I’m sure there are a few more descriptive words that can follow “We will,” but the ones I’m thinking of don’t portray the team in an all-too positive light.
• I was eating an Eggo waffle this morning and something caught my eye when looking at its nutrition information. According to the Eggo box, one waffle is 100 calories while two waffles are 190 calories – huh? I guess if you eat three waffles then it’s only 270 calories. Going by this math, I guess once you get waffle numbers 11-12 you are home free; I'm sure your carb count will probably leave something to be desired though.
• I finished my first year of franchise mode in Madden ’05, and one thing I like almost as much as playing the games are the various off-season tasks to do, especially scouting and drafting rookies. This off-season had no significant departures from my team, save for Jerome Bettis who was pissy because I wasn’t starting him. So going into this draft, my only real need was to have a power back. I did some scouting, and when it came time for me to make a selection I was torn between a few running backs and a tight end that would really come in handy. The problem for me was that the tight end was projected to go in the second round and the several running backs available were projected to go in the first round, meaning the backs would probably end up with slightly better ability stats. There was some concern with drafting any of these first-round backs though, because I had some doubts about any of these them being high in the “break tackle” category, which is what I was really looking for, and the tight end had some excellent combine stats and a full slate of positive reviews. I bit the bullet and picked the tight end, figuring a decent back would be available next round (there were a few backs I had my eye on that were projected to go in the second round, and the tight end pool in this draft was really shallow; the tight end I was eying up was the highest projected player at his position). I bit the bullet and selected the tight end, and after selecting him got treated to a chorus of boos, meaning my fans weren't too thrilled with the pick. However, after I signed him to a contract, his stats were revealed: 78 overall, which was higher than either of my current tight ends and an excellent score for a drafted rookie. I’ve done a few pre-season games so far in the new year and I’m taking a real liking this guy. Although I still don’t have a “power back,” (my highest rating in this category among my three half backs and two full backs is in the low 80s) I’ll take this tight end over any of the rookie backs that were recently drafted.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 3: nl5xsk1
Yes, you read that right. The poster known with one of the more annoying names to type has cracked the number 3 spot on this list. “But kkk, how can this be? You’ve been calling this scat-loving fiend ‘nl-asshole’ for years. How can he be listed so high? Did he pay you off? Did he find you a MILF? What happened?” Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
This "nl-asshole" thing is all a giant SWERVE~!
You may find this hard to believe, but I generally don’t put a lot of thought into my message-boarding. When I’m scrolling down a thread, I rarely spend more than a few seconds reading a post, and when I get to the end of a thread, I typically type the first few thoughts that come to my head – no matter how nonsensical they may be. And on 8:48 a.m. on September 29, 2004, I read the following post by nl5xsk1 in a thread titled “List your aliases.. old board names...”
and I just felt like typing...
That’s it. That’s how this great “feud” started. Let me recap: For more than THREE YEARS I’ve been involved in a shootout of insults with someone because of a split-second thought and a few keystrokes. One my say I’m breaking KEYFABE right now, but this is, at its heart, an internet message board, and this is a SHOOT, baby. The Ross Report doesn’t have shit on this. (Is the Ross Report even around anymore?)
So, yeah. Over the years I’ve shaped this “hatred” for nl5xsk1 to include such witty banter like:
However, the highlight of this e-feud, which has spanned multiple message boards, came during kkk Bowl III when nl5xsk1 actually won the whole thing – well, it’s sure a lot better than him not bothering to show up for the posteason.
Are we typing?
Is this mic still on?
Well thank God that’s over and done with. I didn’t know how long I could last saying nice things about this cocksucker. And by “cocksucker,” I mean cocksucker.
1 p.m.
• So I have said in the past that I don’t like flying. In fact, the last time I was on an airplane was back in 1996 during a trip to California just before I met the future Mrs. kkk. Why don’t I like flying? Well, there’s always the chance of crashing into the ground from 10,000 feet. Yeah, I know the odds are much greater that I’d get killed by a fellow motorist than I would by a shitty pilot. However, the illusion that I could actually do something about my status on the highway is a better feeling. If you’re on an interstate and some truck in front of you has a bunch of shit loosely tied down to the roof then you could switch lanes. When you’re in a plane, there’s not much you can do unless you have a parachute strapped to you and near an exit. However, there are other factors that have nothing to do with drunk pilots and pisspoor mechanics.
The passengers
Here’s what I said a while back regarding my Going … Back … To … Cali… in the 1990s.
And while my experiences dealing with passengers during this latest round of flying I just didn’t wasn’t as bad as my ’96 experiences, it didn’t help matters. It amazed me how many people tried to carry on luggage that was too big to fit in overhead compartments. Jesus Christ, I haven’t flown for more than a decade and I was smart enough to take note that my one piece of luggage wasn’t deemed acceptable for overhead storage. Then again, these people are probably the same type that I dealt with in my Quickie Mart days that tried paying for a 25-cent pack of gum with a $50 bill. But I digress.
Connecting flights
So the plan was for my boss and I to take a flight from Shittsburgh to Philadelphia and then from Philly to Albany, N.Y. However, when I got to the airport I found out that we were instead going to New York City. This also meant that our departure would be a few hours later than the Shittsburgh-Philly flight. Great. Well, after my cross-state flight, I ended up in LaGuardia Airport. Holy fuck is that place a dump. And to make matters better, I had to wait a few more hours until this one plane from Harrisburg landed here because that was the vehicle to take me to Albany. One problem: This plane was running late. Whoopie. Here’s another bonus: LaGuardia only had a handful of stores, and most of them featured “I [heart][/heart] N.Y.” Oh, yeah, like I’m going to get that shit. Then I saw Hitlery merchandise. Even better. Fuck. I ended up getting a U.S. Snooze & World Distort magazine that talked about previous election cycles. One thing I like about U.S. News is that they do some neat “looking back” pieces. I remember in ’00 they had an interesting feature about the ’48 conventions – I’m pretty sure it was that year because it dealt with Truman and Dewey. Where was I? Oh, yeah. LaGuardia.
So while waiting for the Harrisburg plane to arrive I sat by the gate because you can only walk the halls a certain number of times before people start thinking you’re a terrorist. My boss and I were supposed to arrive in Albany at 4 p.m. It was past 4 when we heard that the Harrisburg plane had just taken off. After an hour or so we were told that the flight to Albany was seating for Zones 1-8. That sounded odd. Then when I stepped onto this massive transportation vehicle I noted that I was in “Zone 8.” And by “Zone 8” I mean the “eighth row.” The actual flight itself wasn’t too bad. I remember flying on a smaller plane when I was kid vacationing in Florida, and as a bonus I didn’t have to sit next to anyone.
We got into Albany at around 6:30 p.m. just in time to see news television shows talking about the stock market’s REMARKABLE DAY~! When I was at LaGuardia all the news shows were talking about RECESSION and the STOCK MARKET TANKING and other gloom and doom pieces. Then after my shitty flight to Albany, it’s a MIRACLE REBOUND. Then again, these are the same people that thought Obama was going to crush the Hildabeast by double digits in New Hampshire and that by 1985 the earth was going to freeze due to global cooling. And who wonders why people are skeptical of the mainstream media?
So Wednesday I was at airports from 9 a.m. through about 7:30 p.m. All to get on two one-hour-flights. My boss, who travels all the time, said this is the first time in a long while this sort of thing has happened to her. I said I’d gladly take the blame for this if it means a raise. However, the best was yet to come on the way home on Friday...
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 89: Olympic Slam
I guess you could classify Olympic Slam as a pilgrim in an unholy land. He’s more conservative than me yet lives in California. That alone should make him the Michael Savage of TSM. Considering he loves said talk-show host, I think this indeed makes him the Michael Savage of TSM. Either way, I have no problems with the chap.
• Once again America is sticking its middle finger up to the rest of the world and saying, “Fuck you all, we’re going to do what we Americans want.” Is this because we’re going to invade another country? Not that I know of. Are we thumbing our nose yet again at the United Nations? I wish. No, it’s World Cup season, and despite other countries shutting down to watch their team run around a field for 90 minutes kicking a ball, we here in the United States just give out a collective yawn. I’m one of the bigger oddballs in this country because I like the game of soccer. I played it for 14 seasons as a kid, and ever since 1990, when I was 14 years old, I have tuned into this tournament. Granted, I have no idea who any of the players are, but sometimes you watch a sporting event for other reasons. For example, one spectacle of the World Cup that I enjoy seeing is the spectators cheering on their team, waving flags, singing and rattling off noisemakers. The actual game itself is not that bad to watch, either. I don’t think I’d be able to watch soccer on a regular basis, and I don’t tune into that American MLS league; once every four years tends to provide me with an ample fix.
Back in 1990 I remember West Germany winning the World Cup after beating Argentina 1-0 on a cheesy penalty kick late in the game. I also remember England having a really old goalkeeper, Italy getting pretty far, and some guy from Cameroon with black sweatpants. What I remember most about this tournament, however, was that several times the only goals scored in a game were done during TNT’s commercial breaks. There’s nothing more gratifying than watching a game for an hour or two only to have the game’s only goal come while you’re watching an ad for some airline or sports drink. When you got back from the break you saw a bunch of players jumping on top of each other with the announcers saying, “While we were away, Italy just scored the first goal of the game. Here’s the replay.” Sorry, but watching a replay isn’t the same as seeing the real thing live. Is it any surprise that by the time the 1994 World Cup came around the games were interruption-free? Rather than go to commercial breaks, the games just put a sponsor’s logo in the corner for 20 minutes or so.
Four years later the World Cup was hosted in the United States. Some things I remember about this event were the U.S. upsetting Columbia thanks to some player scoring in his own net. The U.S. eventually lost to Brazil 1-0, but if memory serves, Brazil was playing shorthanded thanks to a red card, so instead of going with the mainstream opinion of "our boys played tough," I always thought they should have upset the Brazil squad. The success of the ’94 World Cup was supposed to show Americans how great the sport of soccer is. It didn’t. The 1998 World Cup was probably the worst ever for America. Not only did the Frenchies win the whole thing, but the United States lost to Iran in group competition. America fared much better four years later when they went out in the quarterfinals to Germany, the tournament’s eventual runner-up. From what I’ve heard about this year’s tournament, the U.S. is in a tough bracket and may not make it out of group play. Big deal. Just because America can’t dominate one kind of sport that doesn’t mean that sport should be ignored. Besides, it’s always nice to have other countries dominate the world’s stage every once in a while. Who am I going to pick for the World Cup? Well, I always go with Brazil followed by the host country as a sleeper pick.
9 p.m.
• So I was at a wake/body viewing/whatever-it's-called-before-you-bury-someone just now. The better half's one uncle who I have never seen before just died. I showed up, sat there and kept my mouth shut. Whenever I'm at one of these events I just keep my head down, shut my mouth and close me eyes. However, as the Serbian priest was doing his thing someone suddenly ripped one while the priest was in a pause (I don't know who it was because my eyes were closed). Why oh why does the Lord push me to such extremes?
• How in the hell do these lottery winners go broke? If I ever took home $100+ million, the last place I'd go to is a casino. Should this ever happen to me, the story would probably go, "kkk was bouncing checks at the local Best Buy trying to purchase DVDs."
• Speaking of winners, here's a local story I've been following since it recently broke.
2:30 p.m.
• I'm shocked ... SHOCKED that Nancy Pelosi would exclude from the upcoming federal minimum wage hike a tuna company in her district.
Guess ol' Nancy doesn't care about the children of Samoa. Regarding the federal minimum wage. I don't care. This is because the faggot Democrats (and Republicans) in my state already jacked up our state rate. At least over in Ohio the dumbasses there voted in a minimum wage hike. I'm just having it done for me. I have had two minimum wage jobs in my life. Know what I did? I got another job. Tough stuff there. I remember the Morgan Spurlock hippie did one of his "30 Days" shows about living on $5.15/hour. I watched about 5 minutes of it before having to take a poop.
7 a.m.
• I've said for a while now how the out-of-control niece-in-law has pissed away 2+ years of money that was to be used for her college education. Well, she also had an inheritance from years ago that was stashed away from her. With that money she bought a good used car about 2-3 months ago. It was a nice car. Too bad I knew what was going to be in store for the poor thing. Within a week there was already a dent in it. There have been a few scratches and the like over the last month or so, including one time the niece drove it over a hill (don't ask). But yesterday, as she was bending over to grab a cigarette, the niece swerved into an oncoming lane and hit another car. The other driver wasn't hurt, and the niece's care got the brunt of the damage, including a smashed driver's side window. Thank Christ I was able to convince my mother-in-law to take her name off that title no more than two weeks ago. If my crack-whore sister-in-law is the equivalent of a real-life sitcom like "Friends," then the niece-in-law is "Joey."
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 47: Cuban Linx
I don’t much about Mr. Linx, but he’s a founding member of my football contest and sends his picks in a timely manner – I can’t ask for anything more than that. He did pretty good in year one with a playoff birth and the AFC South crown, took a break from TSM in year two, struggled in year three, and is currently in decent shape for a late-season run to take the AFC South.
And now a word from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From SFA Jack:
• Back in April, I talked about my birthday trip to CiCi’s. For those that don’t know, CiCi’s is an all-you-can-eat pizza place where you only think about going in just because you’re hungry and it’s $6, which also includes the drink that these Jews charge separate. Anyway, after coming home from work and then driving out to Sam’s Club for six 35lb containers of scoopable cat litter, the allure of CiCi’s sucked me in once again. I figure going to one of these heart-attack centers is critical for anyone because it stocks up your grease intake. Face it, even the healthiest of people need to eat shit like this every once in a while. If not, you don’t build up an immunity to junk food and, well, did you ever see that “Married With Children” episode where Peg Bundy kills that fitness guy with bon-bons? Yeah, something like that.
Anyway, I did have a plan going in this time. Instead of scarfing down this shitty food with no rhyme or reason, I went for slices that were mostly bread and not saturated runny cheese or that sauce which makes me queasy with just picturing it in my mind. Now I figure if you don’t gorge until wanting to puke at an all-you-can-eat place, then the house wins. I don’t like to lose. However, as I was getting to that point at a buffet where you’re thinking “one more plate of food. Just one more plate,” I headed up and saw the Buffalo Chicken pizza pie that was just laid out again. As I went to grab a slice (or four), the orange, gooey drippings from the hot sauce on this concoction was just too much, even for me, and I only settled for one piece (along with a slice of barbecue chicken pizza). As I headed back to my booth I thought to myself, “I fought the buffet and the buffet won.” This is the first time I ever backed down from a buffet challenge, and it wasn’t because I was afraid of stuffing myself. I was afraid of getting heartburn. Yet another indication of me getting up there in years. For what it’s worth, I didn’t get that sick later on in the evening, so maybe I’m getting wiser, not older. Yeah.
• This got a chuckle from me, or at least some of them did. Don’t know what it will do to you. Don't really care, either:
• No wonder George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people –– look at how he was treated at Coretta Scott King’s funeral. Even though she was the dead one at this house of worship, it seemed that some of the speakers at the event were trying to bury the President of the United States. Culprit A was Rev. Joseph Lowry when he said, "We know now that there were no weapons of mass destruction over there. But Coretta knew, and we know, that there are weapons of misdirection right down here.” Culprit B was former president Jimmy Carter, who wasn’t much better by bringing up “secret wire tapping” along with racially charged drivel about Hurricane Katrina.
These two dipshits said what they did with the intention of belittling the president, who was seated nearby and had to take these insults with a smile. Didn’t these people learn anything from the Paul Wellstone memorial a few years ago? Keep the insults coming, I say, and watch Bush look like a sympathetic figure more and more each and every time.
• Here's what I don't get about Democrats. Hitlery is the latest lib to say that Republicans are playing the "fear card" of terrorism to win elections. And just what in the blue hell does your party do, senator? Whenever election season comes around, what exactly do you call saying that the GOP wants to starve children, throw the elderly in the gutter, pollute the planet, cut social security, slash Medicare, encourage hate crimes, among other things? I'll save my left-leaning friends the trouble of hitting the Fast Reply button and typing in "I call it the truth -- lolz."
• A list of the top 10 tech jobs was recently released, and after looking at this list I must agree with these rankings, considering I have no idea what most of the job titles mean.
• Monday Night Football is not only moving to a new station, but it's also getting a new announcing team. Replacing Al Michaels and John Madden will be Joe Theismann, Tony Kornheiser and Mike Tirico. Eh. Don't really care. I was probably one of the only people in this world that didn't mind the Sunday Night crew of Theismann, Mike Patrick and Paul Maguire, although it wouldn't have killed them to say a team they were commenting on was "average" or "not quite up to playoff caliber." Even though I have some issues with Michael Wilbon, I wouldn't mind having him replace Theismann in this lineup. This way we could listen for three hours of him and Kornheiser bicker back and forth, much like they do on “Pardon The Interruption.” However, I'd be sure to have the TV on mute whenever the Philadelphia Eagles are slated to appear during a telecast; the knob-slobbing of Donovan McNabb would be too much, even for Patrick to bear.
• The Brazilian government is planning on passing out 25 million condoms during the country's Carnival holiday, which is scheduled to start on February 25. Two things: 1) Even though the rate of failure among condoms is debated, let’s just assume for this instance that the failure rate is three percent. That means if you go to this festival, get a rubber from the government and do your thing, you could have one of the 750,000 that won’t stop your boys from getting out, or from anything else getting inside of you. 2) I wouldn’t eat government cheese, why would I slide something onto my winky that was given to me by the State?
• So there I was scouring the Internet looking for a photo of Britney Spears driving around with her kid sitting on her lap when I came across this blurb: “The paparazzi came to Britney Spears aid this week when the car which she was driving broke down on a busy road in Malibu. According to reports, Spears was driving her husband's Ferrari near her Malibu home when it suddenly cut out, leaving her stranded on a very busy highway.”
Her husband’s Ferrari? Uh-huh.
Oh, and here is that stupid picture.
• So USA Today is speaking out against those who are cowering in the face Muslims offended by cartoons. In a February 8 editorial titled, “Shameful Appeasement, the article says, “What's clear is that East and West are not just cultures apart, but centuries, and that certain elements of the Muslim world would like to drag us back into the Dark Ages. What is also clear is that the West's own leaders, both in Europe and the USA, as well as many of our own journalists, have been weak-spined when it comes to defending the principles of free expression that the artists in Denmark were exploring.”
Now after reading this editorial, you would think that USA Today would stand in solidarity with its Global Media brethren and show it’s readers what the fuss is all about with these drawings? In a February 7 USA Today’s Life section column, Deputy World Editor Jim Michaels said, "(At USA Today) we concluded that we could cover the issue comprehensively without republishing the cartoon, something clearly offensive to many Muslims. It's not censorship, self or otherwise.”
• And speaking of these offensives cartoons, I have come up with a way to bring everybody together on this issue. Maybe even Allah will chill out for a few minutes before getting mad at us infidels again.
6 p.m.
• Wow, Fast Eddie talking about media bias? That's funny.
Don't worry, after Osama does his thing this week you'll be back on the "what media bias?" bandwagon.
• I'm sure there's a blogger WHOSE NAME WILL NOT BE UTTERED UNTIL THE END OF TIME that probably already scouted this kid inside and out.
"Frighteneing"? Oh well, I'm the last person to goof on another person's speling, but damnit someone got paid not to run a spell-check. I'm doing this blog for free.
Not sure how relevant this is to the above story, but as a kid I was in this bowling league. We didn’t use regular balls but rather this was a duckpin bowling league. What does that mean? The balls were smaller and there is no pinacton. Anyway, there was this kid was excellent but I hated the fuck. His dad was one of the bigwigs of the league, but his kid’s team never won a league championship in the several years I was there. This kid was so good he was always a team’s captain; each team had a really good bowler, a pretty good bowler and a few scrubs (like me). Well, this one year this kid was magically placed on a team with two other boys that had been team captains in previous years. Strangely enough, after a month or two this team amassed something like a 14-1 record. Here’s a coincidence: this kid’s dad put the teams together. What did I do about it? I took my ball and went home. Do I regret it? Shit, I forgot about this experience until reading the above article.
• Huh?
Too fat? Oh this should be a good one.
Then fry him. Of course, then the poor cops zapping this porker will be smelling bacon...
Oh Christ, the I-was-abused excuse. Sadly, below is the part of the article that pisses me off the most.
Oh boo-fucking-hoo.
Wow. That must have been one strong homemade ladder to hold that fattie up. Guess those magazines were phonebooks or something.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 100: Anorak
I don’t know much about Anorak other than he lives in the U.K., and I don’t remember exactly when we first lovingly gazed into each other’s eyes. Anyway, for some time we constantly name-called each other in a number of threads, but then something strange happened: we actually started to get along better. We even PM’d each other a few times and had some civil discussions about soccer (or football, for non-Americans out there). And besides, for the longest time he had the cutest Avatar of some stuffed animal/puppet thing, which made reading his posts that much more entertaining, especially when he said things like, “You're a racist cunt yourself so please spare us your utter stupidity, ignorance and hypocrisy in future threads of similar nature. Thanks.” I may not know what the hell those euro-posters are talking about in their soccer threads, but here’s hoping one of Anorak’s teams ends up winning their league, or whatever it is they play for over there.
• Today’s lunch excursion was a real joy. There’s a Wendy’s just down the road from where I work, and I felt the need to consume the goodness of a triple cheeseburger (without the onions, of course). This store isn’t too big but it’s efficiently run for the most part (as many Wendy’s are from my experiences) but has a duo at register that is by far the best cashier-tandem I’ve ever encountered at a fast-food joint. One of them wasn’t working today and there was some other gal to take her place. You could tell she was new to the position and had the old deer-in-headlights look every time a customer asked her something. Couple this with the fact there were a half-dozen families in line and I began to regret my decision to come into the store and place my order. (Their lot was half-full, which is usually a good indication of whether or not to enter the store, especially during a lunch rush.)
What I hate about family orders is that the parents, nine times out of ten, have zero control over their spawn when they’re trying to place their order. Couple that with the cashiers having to put together Happy Meals, or whatever they’re called at other places, and it only adds to the prolonged wait. Then, to top it off, the parents sometimes try to make their kids order for themselves, which is a horrible idea because the kid is a) either scared to talk to a stranger wearing a hair net, or b) they don’t know what to order and you have to spend 10 minutes trying to get them to say “hamburger kids meal.” Of course, all the while these families are taking up valuable time, the customer line continues to grow. Naturally, these families don’t realize this, and the poor cashier has to deal with the rest of the herd, who by now have grown quite impatient.
The problem was with today’s lunch rush was that half of these “family orders” were done by the kids’ grandparents (either that or these parents decided to conceive REALLY late in life). The only thing worse than kids ordering are 80-year olds who never forget to mention that they get the “senior discount.” Not only do these people have no clue as to what’s going on around them, but also they never know what’s on the menu and don’t bother looking at it until it’s time to place an order. Also, when their order is finally placed on their tray, they attempt to engage the cashier in small talk and it takes them an hour to finally shuffle themselves away from the register.
Well, you couple the one cashier who didn’t know what she was doing with the other cashier who had to deal with two grandparents and three screaming demons, you can imagine how fun my time in line was. But I will count my blessings in this instance. After all, my order took about a minute to complete, and thankfully I got there before the lunch rush, so even though my wait was unnecessarily long, it could have been much worse; the line was almost out the door when I sat down and started to eat. Oh, and the triple cheeseburger was filled with all that greasy goodness that you can experience when consuming one of these heart-attacks-between-a-bun.
9 p.m.
• So I found out today that my former place of employment is now making its employees pay for part of their health insurance. But kkk, you might ask, don’t many employers do this to help curb the cost of premiums? Sure they do. However, this place doesn’t pay its workers jack shit to begin with. In fact, I remember when the job offer was made to me I was told REPEATED times that the big benefit to working here is that the health insurance was paid for. Guess that’s not the case anymore. So now do my former co-workers have the lowest wages in the industry (this is a fact – our actuary did a report on this a few years ago) but now they have to pay for the one reason many of them stay there. Well they stay for that and their inability to actually go out and get a different job. While I’m on this subject, my ex-coworker got all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed and will be starting his new job shortly. Well after he gets his June commission check because he wrote several hundred thousand dollars worth of business and doesn’t want to get cheated out of his money.
Oh, and while everyone at the office has to pay for part of their health insurance, the person who replaced me at my job is starting out at a much higher wage than my starting figure (once again, more power to her) and getting thousands of dollars of new equipment that isn’t necessary because the current office equipment is more than satisfactory (it’s only three years old; I had to go through hoops in late 2004 to get a new computer to replace the 1998 model I was working on at the time). Oh, and the idiot boss has also hired a third-party contractor to work on the web site, which is what I used to do. Of course, the web site hasn’t been updated in almost FIVE MONTHS and this person has been on the job for almost two months. Then there’s going to be the full-time assistant my successor is supposed to get as well. And my ex-coworkers, the same ex-coworkers who have been picking up additional responsibilities since my resignation, now have to chip to control workplace expenses. I swear to Christ this is soooooo entertaining to observe when you aren’t directly affected by this stupidity. Then again, there comes a time when you have to realize the shithole you are spending one-third of your day isn’t worth it anymore and that the time to look for another way to pay the mortgage is now. Sadly, there are some people I used to work with that will never get this. Fortunately, my one co-worker who worked next to me isn’t one of those sad sacks.
• You know, I actually wouldn’t mind this idea – if you got a discount/banked space for not going over your allotment. Then again, what’s the point of offering incentives? Then again … again … I know I don’t download that much porn so I don’t have to worry about this extra billing. I hope.
9:30 p.m.
• Reason #5479834 why karma is going to kick me. Hard.
Last night the better half got a call from her co-worker. Turns out her boyfriend (who was married but on the outs with his wife -- whatever) killed himself and she was the first to find the body. My first response? “Does this mean we’re not going out with them to Kennywood later this month?” Sue me for trying to incorporate some much-needed humor into this otherwise gloomy situation.
However, in some good news, several years ago I talked about the happy times the kkk household had when I found out just how much credit card debt Mrs. kkk accumulated over the years. Well, a while back this debt was vanquished and Phase II of this master plan went into effect. After the credit cards were paid off I wanted to put a sizable amount of money in the checking and savings accounts. I go over the finances at the end of each month, and I was waiting for the day when, after all the bills were paid for the month, we got to a certain balance in both accounts. June 1 had us at $68 above this targeted minimum. What did Mrs. kkk do to celebrate? Go out and buy two shirts at Kohl’s (at least it was a BOGO) along with buying a hose container for the newly purchased “kink-less” hose she purchased a week or so ago. Sigh.
Now it's onto Phase III -- pay off the car (only 5 more installments until it breaks down) and my school loan. This should be completed by October/November -- just in time for Black Friday.
6:30 p.m.
• Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?
So the better half had a job interview today. I don’t know what it was about – something about a research study about old people killing themselves. Or was it about old people peeing themselves? It doesn’t matter. In the end it’s a bunch of wasted money. Anyway, she spoke with this one guy who runs the study. So far so good. Mrs. kkk like him. He gave her wrong directions to the interview location and admitted his mistake. Hey, that’s a good sign. He’s normal. In academia. Then we got to the woman who’s some big shit with the study.
Oh man.
Here was one her questions to the better half: “You plan on having kids?” When Mrs. kkk revealed to her that she miscarried earlier this year, the interviewer paused and then made some remark about if she’s going to try again. She also asked some other questions like, “So do you have a boyfriend?” Good God. And of course I get a phone call from the better half after this was all over bitching about the interview. Then me, playing the GODDMAN OPTIMIST, says, “would you rather know this bitch is a cunt once you were working there?” I still don’t know how I got to be the positive thinker in all this – she’s got three more interviews in the next two weeks. When you have an employable skill in demand YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THE FIRST JOB OFFERED TO YOU. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to convince Mrs. kkk to file a complaint regarding this illegal line of questioning (I’m tired of working; I want a seven-figure settlement), but she has already informed the person who runs the study that she is withdrawing her name from consideration due to the treatment she received at the interview and gone into detail about the cross-examining. That’s my girl.
I almost forgot. Mrs. kkk's soon-to-be ex-boss has also made the "You're just going to get pregnant again" comments over the last few months when commenting on whether or not she's going to be around. This was of course before she got laid off.
• Speaking of the better half -- she was on a Thursday news broadcast on one of our local television stations. No, she wasn't interviewed. She was in the background for about half-a-second. And naturally her story didn't come on until 50 or so minutes into the program.
• I don't care what anybody says, I like these ads.
If you’re a fan of RIGHT-WING RADIO, then this is the place for you. If not, I'm sure there's an Air America station within 1,000 miles or so of your residence.
Talkers magazine recently released its list of top hosts for 2006. Now, from what I seem to remember, previous lists used to just have the top 100 hosts in a random order. Well now the list appears to have these people ranked in order of importance or some shit. Also, they increased the list to 250 and separated hosts by subject matter. Cool
Even though I have listened to RIGHT-WING RADIO since 1994, there’s no way I know every one of these people, but there are a number on this list that I have heard to over the years or feel like commenting on. Time to go down the list:
• Howard Stern is number one? Eh, I’ll accept it, even though I haven’t listened to him in years. I’ve talked about him recently, so I’ll refrain from repeating my opinion of him. I guess the whole move to satellite radio is one of the driving reasons for him to be at the top for this year.
• Rush, Hannity and Savage are 2-4, no surprises there.
• Dr. Laura is number 5? In every market I have had her in, she has either been cancelled or moved around to several different time slots. She’s not on in the Shittsburgh market (although she made a brief appearance back in the mid-90s). I liked her show, but it wasn’t because of her moral preaching. I always loved it when the idiot callers would ask for her opinion on their relationship problems. You could tell these callers had already made up their minds regarding what they wanted to do in their relationship, and it was always the opposite of what a rational person would do.
“Dr. Laura, my husband beats me, does drugs in front of my three kids from a previous boyfriend and stays out all night.”
“Why haven’t you had him arrested?”
“Because I love him.”
“You’re an idiot.”
It’s like the Maurey Povich Show for radio.
• Don Imus is number 6 – did I miss something here? I’ve listened to him a few times on MSNBC when I have stayed up all night and needed some sleep relief.
• For the love of God, Laura Inghram does not deserve to be number 7. My area carriers some of her show in the early morning, and the few times I listened to her show it was so unfunny, not to mention tedious.
• Mike Gallagher is number 8 – I guess he’s doing well. When I got to listen to him, he wasn’t one of my favorites. In fact, I’d put him on the bottom tier of my preferred RIGHT-WING RADIO hosts. However, I do like him for other reasons, which I will explain below. Back in the late 1990s I listened to him in the Sappy Valley market. At the time he had a chat room where fans could go to and gab while the show was on. The cool thing about this was if someone made a witty comment to a topic he was discussing he would say it on-air and name the person who said it. Well, obviously if I’m making real-time comments to a RIGHT-WING RADIO show, my remarks would undoubtedly make it on the air, which they did. However, he didn’t know what my user name “kkktookmybabyaway” meant; it was funny listening to him goof on the name to his nationwide audience. One time, however, after saying my name (and prefacing it with he had no idea why I called myself this) he got a caller that explained it’s meaning. As it turns out Gallagher was a Ramones fan but he never heard that song, which has me questioning whether or not he really was a fan to begin with.
Here’s another story about Mike. He was originally on the “main” Sappy Valley RIGHT-WING RADIO station in the area, and this station sucked. (I could spend a week bitching about this station, and at some point I probably will.) Not only would this station always lose its feeds, but also it would play shows from other networks, among other technical screw-ups. Well one time after Gallagher’s show ended, they stayed with his studio and spent about 20 minutes broadcasting him making “teasers” for his show that were sent to markets that had the show on tape delay. A few days later when he was chatting with us online after his show ended at noon, I told him about how his State College affiliate was screwing up his shows and played him reading “tape delay teasers.” A short while later his show moved to the other station in town.
• Neal Boortz cracked the Top 10. Awesome. This guy is based out of Atlanta and is by far my favorite host. I first got to listen to him on WPGB in the Shittsburgh area back in early 2004 when the station switched from urban music to a RIGHT-WING RADIO format. He was on tape delay from 1-3 p.m., and many times I would listen to his show over Rush’s. Unfortunately, when Rush’s show moved from KDKA to WPGB, Boortz got bumped. However, a smaller talk station in the area (WPTT) picked up his show, but only for a while. A short time later WPTT took him off the air because they were going with a more “independent” lineup. Some local harpy named Lynn Cullen who is just horrid took over his time slot, and I haven’t listened to that piece of shit station since. Sadly, since my work computer is a Mac, I can’t listen to Boortz’s show on-line (or at least I haven’t figured out how). If his show would ever move to satellite radio, I’d be a subscriber.
To be continued.
5:45 p.m.
• So the better half asked me the question of all questions today. “How many Halloween movies did they make?” Hoo-boy. Here’s how that conversation went. You can figure out who said what. I also don’t care if I got any facts wrong.
“Well, there was the first Halloween and Halloween 2, which takes place right after the events of Halloween 1. Then there’s Halloween 3”
“*Says something about Michael Myers.*”
“No. Halloween 3 has nothing to do with Michael Myers. It deals with this place that makes these masks which turn people into killers or something.”
“That’s retarded.”
“Michael Myers comes back in Halloween 4.”
“Why is he after that little girl.”
“That’s Jamie Lee Curtis character’s kid.”
“What happened to Jamie Lee Curtis.”
“I don’t know. Probably died or something.”
“OK.”
“Then there’s Halloween 5 when Michael is still after the girl.”
“Does he get her?”
“No. He gets caught and some dude with a machine gun breaks him out of jail at the end.”
”What?
“Yeah, then there’s Halloween 6, where we learn Michael is part of some cult, or is the God of some cult, or something or other. I think he finally kills that girl, but I'm pretty sure that the girl squirted out a kid. I have no clue as to the ending.”
“Then why is Jamie Lee Curtis in that H2O one?”
“Oh, well you have to pretend Halloweens 3-6 never happened and H2O takes place some time after Halloween 2. Then after that there’s the one with Busta Rhymes and Jamie Lee Curtis getting killed.”
“Is that all of them?”
“Well, sorta. They just came out with another Halloween movie directed by Rob Zombie. I’m not sure if it’s a remake or what, but if you want to include that one we’re up to nine.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well you asked.”
And the sad thing is I really like Halloween’s theme music. Actually, when I saw Halloween 6 for the first time I was with a girl friend at Slippery Rock University in a trailer she rented for the semester. I said “girl friend” not “girlfriend.” Anyway, it was the middle of the night and as she started up the movie her Pittsburgh Penguins framed poster fell in her bedroom and made a loud “CRASH,” causing both of us to jump. After she cleaned up that mess there was this thumping sound from outside, probably from a tree branch. As she went to open the door to see what it was I yelled out “DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!” Boy did that freak her out. Boy did she get pissed. Boy did I laugh out loud. Sad thing was, after seeing Halloween 6: The Bowel Movement of Michael Myers, that crashing poster was scarier.
9 p.m.
• So does this make you want to buy a white, gooey substance in a jar?
OMG the Big Gay lobby is shoving their immoral agenda down our throats (ew, another set of words I should not have strung together).
Oh, I get it. Mom’s a New York deli guy because her sandwiches taste like they’re from the Big Apple with Heinz’s super mayo stuff. I get the joke. It’s just not that funny (what’s funnier is the queer group telling its people to boycott Heinz products; the O'Reilly reference made me laugh, too). Besides, I’m a Miracle Whip man myself.
For my gay humor, I would rather wake up with the King.
• Oh boy. Time to bail out the irresponsible and reckless who should have never received loans in the first place!
And don’t give me this, “But rich people get bailed out, too.” I know that. Fuck them, too.
• You know what? I think I’d rather have the seven-year-old out on the road than his grandma.
7:30 p.m.
• So the better half is on vacation this week and next, and she decided to do the “family” thing this week. And by “family” I mean deal with all the bitching and yelling going on with her mother and nieces/nephews. I shouldn’t be too quick to point out the lunacy of having “family fun time” when in most instances it involves crying, screaming and temper tantrums. The major culprit in all this is the 21-year-old out-of-control knocked-up niece-in-law. And of course, Mrs. kkk’s mother, despite all the bitching she does about this particular black sheep of the family, does everything in her power to cater to the crack-whore. At the amusement park earlier this week the out-of-control niece-in-law was telling the better half about how her boyfriend wants to videotape her blowing some other guy. She was saying this, mind you, with the 11-year-old nephew and 9-year-old niece in the same car. Then before a trip to the zoo the niece-in-law held everyone else up from leaving by several hours because she wasn’t “ready.” When she finally was she slept for half the day. Another time the niece-in-law was trying to cook dinner for everyone and was running at least an hour behind before Mrs. kkk left her mother’s house. Where was I going with all this? Oh, yeah.
During the aforementioned zoo trip, the 11-year-old nephew wanted to buy a gift for his parents. (I’m telling this kid ain’t right). His 9-year-old sister then decided to as well. The nephew saved $20 from the money he made cutting grass this summer. The niece? Well, she makes $3 a day watching some dog. How much has the niece saved up for this purchase? You guessed it: $3.
The niece then said to her brother that they should pull their resources together. The nephew said “no” and added that “she should have saved her money up” like he did. This caused the niece to begin throwing a fit, which prompted my mother-in-law to feel guilty and ask Mrs. kkk if they should give the niece money to buy her parents a gift. The better half said “no” because that would make the nephew’s saving money this summer go to waste. I’m impressed; some of my Jew logic has rubbed off. Why am I saying all this? Because I just found out who the Democrat and Republican will be when it comes to my 11-year-old nephew and 9-year-old niece.
Wait a second. No it doesn’t. Damn you Republicans – why did you have to double the federal budget and rack up trillions more in debt? It’s getting harder and harder to make these types of comparisons.
Hey, look…
KITTIES!
You know, I can’t remember what I have posted and what I haven’t posted. This was one of Max when we first took him in as a stray. The other two didn’t warm up to him all that much. I knew Dessa would hate him right off the bat (and continue to do so), as you can see from above, but JJ surprised me a bit.
For a month or two JJ wouldn't even look in his direction, and he even hissed at him once or twice. (If JJ hisses, you know something is up.) There was really nothing Max could do, even though he tried to get along. It was sad seeing him in a submissive role and still getting hissed at, swatted and chased around the house. However, my thinking was that the three of them would sort it out and that whatever treatment he got in our house was a hundred times better than fending for himself out in the freezing cold. It took him six months for JJ to get used to Max. And by “used to” I mean roll around with him on the floor in a wrestle-like fashion. Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it wrestling. JJ will plop on the floor, Max will jump on top of him and after about 5 seconds JJ will get up and run away. Whatever. In their world I’m sure it means something.
7:30 p.m.
• Well, that hippie library is still going to be around…
But fuck you Fast Eddie.
You think we’re that fucking dumb? This state may vote Democrat more times than not, but my fellow Keystone Staters aren’t retarded … or at least as much as other blue states. Tax shift? Yeah, right. More like “added tax.” You’ve been talking about slot-machine revenue gambling longer than W. has had troops in Iraq. This slots-for-property-tax idea has been an abortion since the start, and if you’re going to want to screw us over, then you’re going to have to force the sodomy. What, you expect me to fuck my own browneye?
Oh, but the real reason we didn’t vote for it was because we’re too stupid.
Although the line "The questions were not asked in Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and Scranton, where wage taxes are already comparatively high," made me LOL. (Scranton?) This part of the article cracked me up the most.
So even senior citizens voted against this? And in Pennsylvania, the old people control EVERYTHING, what with their en masse journey to the polls. And even though they keep dying off, there are plenty of near-blue hairs in this commonwealth to keep the Access vans busy to and from the local fire halls on Election Day.
• Back to local elections. God I love my town.
The sad thing is, when it comes to these local races, those stupid signs probably do make a difference in an election or two.
• Oh, yeah. Jerry Falwell died. I waited a few days to see what my other bloggers had to say. Wasn’t surprised. The commie goes "good riddence," and the right-winger says the extreme Left will go “see you in hell, Jerry” and all the usual stuff from the ideology of diversity and tolerance. I waited to post this because anything I say will be, as usual, so brilliant that nothing else will need to be said I’m lazy. I’m undecided as to which take I should use. Do I go with…
A) Falwell died? Wow, he must have taken Rudy Giuliani’s early presidential campaigning success hard.
or
B) Falwell died? Well, for his sake I hope all Jesus did with his disciples was preach the word of God and didn’t play a game of pitch or catch when the sun went down.
I'm hardcore. I'll take 'em both.
