KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 47: Cuban Linx
I don’t much about Mr. Linx, but he’s a founding member of my football contest and sends his picks in a timely manner – I can’t ask for anything more than that. He did pretty good in year one with a playoff birth and the AFC South crown, took a break from TSM in year two, struggled in year three, and is currently in decent shape for a late-season run to take the AFC South.
And now a word from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From SFA Jack:
• Back in April, I talked about my birthday trip to CiCi’s. For those that don’t know, CiCi’s is an all-you-can-eat pizza place where you only think about going in just because you’re hungry and it’s $6, which also includes the drink that these Jews charge separate. Anyway, after coming home from work and then driving out to Sam’s Club for six 35lb containers of scoopable cat litter, the allure of CiCi’s sucked me in once again. I figure going to one of these heart-attack centers is critical for anyone because it stocks up your grease intake. Face it, even the healthiest of people need to eat shit like this every once in a while. If not, you don’t build up an immunity to junk food and, well, did you ever see that “Married With Children” episode where Peg Bundy kills that fitness guy with bon-bons? Yeah, something like that.
Anyway, I did have a plan going in this time. Instead of scarfing down this shitty food with no rhyme or reason, I went for slices that were mostly bread and not saturated runny cheese or that sauce which makes me queasy with just picturing it in my mind. Now I figure if you don’t gorge until wanting to puke at an all-you-can-eat place, then the house wins. I don’t like to lose. However, as I was getting to that point at a buffet where you’re thinking “one more plate of food. Just one more plate,” I headed up and saw the Buffalo Chicken pizza pie that was just laid out again. As I went to grab a slice (or four), the orange, gooey drippings from the hot sauce on this concoction was just too much, even for me, and I only settled for one piece (along with a slice of barbecue chicken pizza). As I headed back to my booth I thought to myself, “I fought the buffet and the buffet won.” This is the first time I ever backed down from a buffet challenge, and it wasn’t because I was afraid of stuffing myself. I was afraid of getting heartburn. Yet another indication of me getting up there in years. For what it’s worth, I didn’t get that sick later on in the evening, so maybe I’m getting wiser, not older. Yeah.
• This got a chuckle from me, or at least some of them did. Don’t know what it will do to you. Don't really care, either:
9 p.m.
• So does this make you want to buy a white, gooey substance in a jar?
OMG the Big Gay lobby is shoving their immoral agenda down our throats (ew, another set of words I should not have strung together).
Oh, I get it. Mom’s a New York deli guy because her sandwiches taste like they’re from the Big Apple with Heinz’s super mayo stuff. I get the joke. It’s just not that funny (what’s funnier is the queer group telling its people to boycott Heinz products; the O'Reilly reference made me laugh, too). Besides, I’m a Miracle Whip man myself.
For my gay humor, I would rather wake up with the King.
• Oh boy. Time to bail out the irresponsible and reckless who should have never received loans in the first place!
And don’t give me this, “But rich people get bailed out, too.” I know that. Fuck them, too.
• You know what? I think I’d rather have the seven-year-old out on the road than his grandma.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 89: Olympic Slam
I guess you could classify Olympic Slam as a pilgrim in an unholy land. He’s more conservative than me yet lives in California. That alone should make him the Michael Savage of TSM. Considering he loves said talk-show host, I think this indeed makes him the Michael Savage of TSM. Either way, I have no problems with the chap.
• Once again America is sticking its middle finger up to the rest of the world and saying, “Fuck you all, we’re going to do what we Americans want.” Is this because we’re going to invade another country? Not that I know of. Are we thumbing our nose yet again at the United Nations? I wish. No, it’s World Cup season, and despite other countries shutting down to watch their team run around a field for 90 minutes kicking a ball, we here in the United States just give out a collective yawn. I’m one of the bigger oddballs in this country because I like the game of soccer. I played it for 14 seasons as a kid, and ever since 1990, when I was 14 years old, I have tuned into this tournament. Granted, I have no idea who any of the players are, but sometimes you watch a sporting event for other reasons. For example, one spectacle of the World Cup that I enjoy seeing is the spectators cheering on their team, waving flags, singing and rattling off noisemakers. The actual game itself is not that bad to watch, either. I don’t think I’d be able to watch soccer on a regular basis, and I don’t tune into that American MLS league; once every four years tends to provide me with an ample fix.
Back in 1990 I remember West Germany winning the World Cup after beating Argentina 1-0 on a cheesy penalty kick late in the game. I also remember England having a really old goalkeeper, Italy getting pretty far, and some guy from Cameroon with black sweatpants. What I remember most about this tournament, however, was that several times the only goals scored in a game were done during TNT’s commercial breaks. There’s nothing more gratifying than watching a game for an hour or two only to have the game’s only goal come while you’re watching an ad for some airline or sports drink. When you got back from the break you saw a bunch of players jumping on top of each other with the announcers saying, “While we were away, Italy just scored the first goal of the game. Here’s the replay.” Sorry, but watching a replay isn’t the same as seeing the real thing live. Is it any surprise that by the time the 1994 World Cup came around the games were interruption-free? Rather than go to commercial breaks, the games just put a sponsor’s logo in the corner for 20 minutes or so.
Four years later the World Cup was hosted in the United States. Some things I remember about this event were the U.S. upsetting Columbia thanks to some player scoring in his own net. The U.S. eventually lost to Brazil 1-0, but if memory serves, Brazil was playing shorthanded thanks to a red card, so instead of going with the mainstream opinion of "our boys played tough," I always thought they should have upset the Brazil squad. The success of the ’94 World Cup was supposed to show Americans how great the sport of soccer is. It didn’t. The 1998 World Cup was probably the worst ever for America. Not only did the Frenchies win the whole thing, but the United States lost to Iran in group competition. America fared much better four years later when they went out in the quarterfinals to Germany, the tournament’s eventual runner-up. From what I’ve heard about this year’s tournament, the U.S. is in a tough bracket and may not make it out of group play. Big deal. Just because America can’t dominate one kind of sport that doesn’t mean that sport should be ignored. Besides, it’s always nice to have other countries dominate the world’s stage every once in a while. Who am I going to pick for the World Cup? Well, I always go with Brazil followed by the host country as a sleeper pick.
• So I’ve just put in nearly a 12-hour workday here at the office, and what has been on this entire time in the middle of December? Why, the AIR CONDITIONING! Now you may be thinking right now that I’m going to go off on a bitch-fest about how cold it is in building and stuff. Far from it. In fact, I love me a cold work environment. My reasons? Here they are in no particular order.
1) Cold rooms let you know you’re still alive. When I'm in a hotbox for eight hours doing white-collar work, I usually doze off about five to six hours into my day. And if you eat anything remotely filling for lunch, you’ll be snoozing in two hour’s tops.
2) When it’s cold outside, you feel the bite of a breeze whenever someone opens a nearby door, should you be near a building’s entrance or exit. When it’s hot outside, you smell people’s body odor, or, worse yet, feet. Good God does that make me want to throw up my lunch. I guess on the bright side if I throw up my lunch I won’t fall asleep from it later in the day.
3) When it’s hot outside, I’ve noticed that if you’re working in front of a computer you tend to get fatigued more, thus becoming more susceptible to headaches and other fun stuff. With the cold, you have a better chance of not feeling comatosed as your day goes by.
4) You actually have an excuse to use sick days. Snowing outside? Hear about a commuter’s nightmare on the morning news? Fuck that shit. I’m staying home. If you want me to come to work so bad, then pick me up, bitch.
5) When I’m doing the behind-the-desk thing, I like to get up and walk down the hall and back every now and then. When it’s hot I sometimes forget to do this until it’s too late and the eye fatigue kicks in. When it’s cold, getting up to circulate the ol’ blood flow is more likely to occur.
So there you have it. Five good reasons why it’s better to be chilly than sweltering at your workplace. Now granted I prefer sunny weather to snowy conditions, but that’s when I’m not earning my paycheck. Otherwise, crank up the AC.
• So Evan Bayh isn’t going to run for president. I’ll survive. Oddly enough, he is one of those Democrats I don’t mind, much like South Dakota’s one Senator Tim Johnson. However, the Indiana Senator has been moving up on my shit list over the last few years, so maybe after another couple of bad votes I might start saying, “kiss my ass” to him as well. Still, he’s no Hitlery.
• Time has just named “You” its Person of the Year. Nobody better say shit about my Top 103 Posters coutdown now.
Wow. I remember when they changed their title from “Man of the Year” to “Person of the Year.” OMG political correctness. Then, in 2001, instead of choosing “Osama bin Laden,” who, like it or not, made an impact on quite a few lives that year, Time pussied out and went with “Rudy Giulani. Then a couple years ago they had some stupid “Whistleblowers” on; I think they were all chicks, too. With all that being said, I have to say this has to be by far the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard (although those three non-person awardees that the above article cited in its third-to-last paragraph are right up there, too). Well, at least until the next time I read something stupid from the mainstreamliberalpress.
8:30 p.m.
So I was flipping through channels the other day and came across this.
Do I really need to say anything else?
2:30 p.m.
• Please let there be footage of this and have it end up on one of those "Wildest Chases/Stupid Criminals" shows.
Ha, I don't need to wait that long. Here's the video.
7 a.m.
• So Ward Churchill finally got the boot from his cushy academic job.
Now I get to hear about this shit for the next few years while he sues over his free speech rights. Hey, Colorado, you hired him. You gave him tenure. You reap what you sow.
• So whenever you pour some chili on your hot dogs, remember that it was made in the ghetto. Oh well, can't be any worse than the imported shit we get from China and Mexico.
This part made me laugh, but I always get a chuckle from the word "crack house."
8 p.m.
• There are times I really hate TSM. After reading the Diablo III thread I got the urge to start playing my Diablo II characters. Goddamnit. Oh well, I always seem to quit once I get to Nightmare level, so let’s get to it.
I remember when the first Diablo came out I got it while living by myself in Sappy Valley. I had nothing better to do and the game was cheap and highly rated. I don’t play games on the computer because that’s what a game console is for. However, this was an exception. Besides, my Genesis was back at the in-law’s house ready for an Ohio trip. I played the game once or twice and it was good enough. After moving to Ohio and settling in, the better half noticed me playing it one night and inquired. Soon thereafter she was playing the game more than me. This of course made us HAVE to get the sequel. Then the expansion pack. Oh who am I kidding? I like playing the game, too.
This actually brings back another memory. Now although I said before I play 99 percent of my games in front of a television instead of a computer screen, Diablo is an exception to this rule. While I was in Ohio I noticed the Playstation Diablo title on sale at a used game store. I bought it and played the game with Mrs. kkk for about 20 minutes. Boy was it horrible. A few days later I went to sell it back. I wasn’t looking for a return. Hey, I made the purchase and didn’t like the product. The game itself wasn’t faulty. And this was a used game store after all. Well I went in and offered my wares. At first the sales clerk was excited – a little too excited – about seeing this Playstation game. Then he said he couldn’t buy this copy. Why? Because it was too scratched up and not up to the quality of store standards. Uhhhh, you SOLD me this game three days before in the SAME condition. I don’t use my CD/DVD/video game discs as Frisbees or coasters. The scratches didn’t come overnight. Amazingly enough, the clerk had no response to my “buy you sold me this game earlier in the week” response.
Where was I going with this? Nowhere. Big shock.
8:30 p.m.
• Here's one from the latest batch of pics I took from the camera an uploaded to the computer.
Of course over the last several months these three have been sleeping with us, which makes for some interesting sleeping positions. Dessa (pictured middle) usually camps out between the better half and I because she doesn't want to be near the other two. Max (far) will sleep on the other side of Mrs. kkk because he doesn't like sleeping by me because I tend to roll on top of him. One night he gave a yelp and ran away, which caused Dessa to chase him and hiss. This in turn made JJ run out and see what was going on. Pretty soon there was screaming across the living room; not what you want to hear at 2 a.m. Max also doesn't like laying on the bed sheets so the better half has to make sure he is able to lay on the comforter. JJ usually takes what's available -- meaning he has to sleep by me or next to Mrs. kkk and far enough from Dessa.
5:30 p.m.
• This entry is dedicated to SFAJack, who is dealing with a hurricane named Ike. Didn't George W. Bush get the memo that you voted for him? If so, I'm sure he would have steered this path of destruction toward a bluer part of the state.
You've commented on the subject of your "welcomed guests to Houston" before, so I thought you might like this.
6 p.m.
• To keep up with the "SFA Jack/Texas/Underclass" theme, here's a blast from the past from Mr. Jack's state that I'm sure makes him proud.
Don't forget the remix/radio version/whatever the hell this is supposed to be. I'm still trying to figure out why this song is called "Bald Head Gals" when the chorus contains the more explicit word. Oh well, at least the part with the horse got a chuckle out of me.
Finally, to complete today's Willie Dee trifecta, this one (0:30) goes out to Whoppi Goldberg, who, if McCain gets elected, will be first to go up on the slave auctioning block.
You know, I remember back in '04 Cameron Diaz said that if you think rape should be legal then don't vote. Slaves, rape: when is all of the good stuff really going to happen? Keep your tax cuts, just let me stick my weiner in Diaz's mouth. No, I don't want a blow job; I'm just tired of hearing her voice.
6:15 p.m.
• OK, this is why I love rap. If you listened to the third song in the Willie Dee collection above you would have noticed there was a female saying she had a pussy the size of Bolivia. Well, Willie Dee's "Controversy" album was released in 1989. Just three years later, Willie D (guess the "ee" fared poorly in the focus groups), released the following...
And WTF?
The high price is more than $100.
Oh, and here is the song that Choice did which caused Mr. D's scorn.
8:15 p.m.
• There’s nothing like writing a cover letter while playing Body Count’s “Mama’s Gotta Die Tonight.” I’m a bit pissed with myself because several years ago I composed a kick-ass cover letter that I forgot to save and now can’t find the damn thing. Then again, the best that cover letter could do was land me where I am no, so why am I thinking it was any good? To make matters worse, I can’t really remember what I wrote and haven’t felt motivated to compose a new piece of literary excellence. Then I remember that in a little more than a year from now my one idiot boss will become my workplace’s idiot top guy in charge. Time to start typing.
No.
Nah.
Fuck no.
Oh hell yeah. Time to let the words flow.
6:30 p.m.
• So on Jim Rome's TV show today he was goofing on the Pirates for taking Matt Morris in a trade. We did? OK. Rome pretty much goofed on the Bucs for taking someone who gets paid a shitload of money. Just how much does he make?
Wow, that's sure a lot of money, especially for the Pirates. But I bet this Morris guy is really good.
Uh...
• And the Pirates were also a topic on "Around the Horn." Some player threw his bat 30 rows into the stands, or something like that. Daily double, baby.
• While I'm on the subject of ESPN, if anyone else watched yesterday's NFL Live, did Bonnie Bernstein really say Jerry Jones has just two Super Bowl wins during his Cowboys ownership tenure?
2 p.m.
• And now it's time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Erica is getting married to a guy who has already been married three times. After Dr. Laura yells at her for picking someone who already has three strikes, she asks the 33-year-old Erica if she has her tubes tied. Erica says that the lesser half is fixed, adding that she wouldn't want any kids because this guy is physically abusive. I have no idea what Erica is blubbering about now; something about how she can't find anyone better. God it must be great to have a spouse you can just beat on and control.
1 p.m.
• Since in the last few days we got to see what a commie Al Keiper is, I figured he would be in attendance for this night at the ballpark.
How insensitive. A team actually WON the game? I hope everyone at least got trophies when the teams went out for ice cream afterward.
10:45 a.m.
• A day or so ago I talked about this caller to Boortz who always relates everything to pot. I didn't know his name. He's on the air now: Dave from Montana. Right now he's talking about Boortz visiting the President yesterday and how it's not fair he doesn't get to visit the POTUS. Now he's talking about the border agents who are in jail that shot the Mexican drug dealer. Here it is ... if pot was legal, they officers wouldn't be in jail. Gotta love Dave.
7 a.m.
• So there is this mama deer and two fawns that hang out by the hillside next to where I work. I oftentimes see the fawns romping around, grazing and not bothering anyone, and it gives me a chance to zone out for a few minutes (not like I would anyway even without the outside entertainment). This morning I parked my car and saw the two fawns close to the road. A little too close. I tried shooing them away because, unlike many of my conservative brethren, I don’t get the whole killing animals for sport thing. I mean, that’s why we have black people, right? Anyway, I was also scanning around looking for the mama deer because I’ve heard stories of these animals freaking out whenever they think their babies are in danger. Considering I was carrying a lunch cooler, my briefcase/portfolio thingy and a gallon of green tea, I would be in some serious trouble if Mrs. Deer decided to give me a few hooves to the head. As I watched these two innocent animals graze, they looked up at me from time to time, and then I saw mama deer at the top of the hill. She would look at me every now and then but it seemed she was leaving her babies alone. As I started walking to my office, one of the fawns began following me. Across the street. Ugh. GET OFF THE STREET YOU STUPID ANIMAL! Fortunately, a car came by and spooked the fawns up the hill. However, for a brief second, from my line of sight, it looked like the car was gong to hit the fawn head-on. It wasn’t until after the car passed that I realized the fawn had gotten back on the grass. Jesus, how hard can it be to survive when your only necessity is to STAY ON THE GRASS?
8:15 p.m.
• With smokes costing an arm and leg over here, one might wonder how Big Tobacco stays in business. Here's how.
Damn. And those people stink enough as it is already. Too bad when I get my eventual heart attack/stroke one of them will be towering over me on the operating table. Oh, back to this link. Does any of this sound familiar?
• Good God, this took place (allegedly) on New Year's Day. Say, the Browns got rid of Jeff Garcia after one season -- maybe that, too, was a HATE CRIME. Jeff, you're not fooling anybody with that "wife" of yours.
• Uh-oh.
I love the quote at the end. If these newspapers are going to counter the towel-head wackos pissed off over a cartoon, what else are they supposed to do other than re-print it -- write a mean editorial? I bet many of the rioters probably can't even read.
Might as well join in this solidarity movement.
Oops, wrong Photobucket image. There we go.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 88: The Czech Republic
Czech’s a hard read for me. This guy has bitched about my use of “…” at the end of my posts back when I used to do this. He also has griped about my over-use of the words “hippie” and “commie.” But worst of all, he has goofed on my n*gga Paul Harvey, which, in my world, is tantamount to flushing a Koran down a toilet in front of a Muslim male. No, check that; it’s an even WORSE offense. However, he’s extremely approachable on AIM and has answered every inquiry I have asked him through this medium, from explaining what exactly a “neocon” is to what parts of the Windy City and its surrounding areas support the Cubs and which areas support the White Sox. Plus Czech goofs on Racist Dusty, so that’s another plus.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Porter:
From Carnival
From SFA Jack
• Over in the General Chat folder Fear Havoc brought up an interesting question that I feel needs more elaboration on my behalf. Long story short: He’s friends with someone that’s getting married. He’s thinking of giving the "happy" couple $50 as a gift and wants to know if that’s enough. In my world, that’s perfectly acceptable, and the majority of posters in that thread seem to agree. However, I figured this might be a good time to give some firsthand experiences of this practice of giving, and receiving, loot at a wedding.
1) Unless you’re going to some uber-yuppie reception, giving $50 for you and your guest is perfectly acceptable. At my wedding reception the meals were about $25 per person, so you’re basically saying with a $50 gift, “Thanks for inviting me. Here, I’ll take care of my food bill because I know you are paying for plenty of other shit. Now, where’s that free bar?” At my reception, most people gave $50, which was fine with us. However, my old man’s table, which featured eight various cousins and uncles, gave us a total of $40. The most aggravating thing about this wasn’t even the money; it was the fact we had to include this table into the reception plans two days before the wedding, more than two weeks after the RSVPs were due.
2) If you’re going to get a gift, please make sure it’s something from their wedding registry. This isn’t rocket science. It’s nice to know that if our George Forman grill ever craps out on us, that we have two others just waiting to take its place. And if you’re not going to bother reading the registry before getting something, make sure you include the receipt so it can be returned. It’s nothing personal; there’s only so much storage space people have in their house/apartment and sometimes you have to be practical.
3) While I’m on the subject of registries, sometimes you’ll come across an item with a rather large purchase price. Don’t think that the bride actually expects this to be filled; it’s a pipe dream (and yes, the bride is the one who fills these registries out). The better half’s pipe dream was some new sink stand to replace the funky green colored one for the upstairs bathroom. She was under the delusion that some people from her side of the family would “chip in” and get this for us. What did we end up getting from the people she hoped would get her this gift? Four plastic glasses, a plastic pitcher, and a single towel with matching wash cloth. So close.
4) Whatever amount you give to a wedding party, expect no more than that amount back when you get hitched. After our wedding, the better half took note of what everybody gave us (well, the people who weren’t married yet) and that is what we are going to give them whenever their big days come. Shortly after our wedding, one of our guest couples got hitched and we sent them the same amount of money they sent us. Of course, when I asked what was the point of this monetary exchange, since in the end it turned into a zero-sum game, I didn’t get a coherent answer.
5) Gift cards are just as good as cash, but please make sure it is for a store the happy couple frequents. For us, our Target, Kohl’s and Best Buy gift cards were well-spent. However, the one for Linens ‘n Things took some time to be depleted, and even then the money spent on fabric could have went to buying a perfectly good DVD.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 100: Anorak
I don’t know much about Anorak other than he lives in the U.K., and I don’t remember exactly when we first lovingly gazed into each other’s eyes. Anyway, for some time we constantly name-called each other in a number of threads, but then something strange happened: we actually started to get along better. We even PM’d each other a few times and had some civil discussions about soccer (or football, for non-Americans out there). And besides, for the longest time he had the cutest Avatar of some stuffed animal/puppet thing, which made reading his posts that much more entertaining, especially when he said things like, “You're a racist cunt yourself so please spare us your utter stupidity, ignorance and hypocrisy in future threads of similar nature. Thanks.” I may not know what the hell those euro-posters are talking about in their soccer threads, but here’s hoping one of Anorak’s teams ends up winning their league, or whatever it is they play for over there.
• Today’s lunch excursion was a real joy. There’s a Wendy’s just down the road from where I work, and I felt the need to consume the goodness of a triple cheeseburger (without the onions, of course). This store isn’t too big but it’s efficiently run for the most part (as many Wendy’s are from my experiences) but has a duo at register that is by far the best cashier-tandem I’ve ever encountered at a fast-food joint. One of them wasn’t working today and there was some other gal to take her place. You could tell she was new to the position and had the old deer-in-headlights look every time a customer asked her something. Couple this with the fact there were a half-dozen families in line and I began to regret my decision to come into the store and place my order. (Their lot was half-full, which is usually a good indication of whether or not to enter the store, especially during a lunch rush.)
What I hate about family orders is that the parents, nine times out of ten, have zero control over their spawn when they’re trying to place their order. Couple that with the cashiers having to put together Happy Meals, or whatever they’re called at other places, and it only adds to the prolonged wait. Then, to top it off, the parents sometimes try to make their kids order for themselves, which is a horrible idea because the kid is a) either scared to talk to a stranger wearing a hair net, or b) they don’t know what to order and you have to spend 10 minutes trying to get them to say “hamburger kids meal.” Of course, all the while these families are taking up valuable time, the customer line continues to grow. Naturally, these families don’t realize this, and the poor cashier has to deal with the rest of the herd, who by now have grown quite impatient.
The problem was with today’s lunch rush was that half of these “family orders” were done by the kids’ grandparents (either that or these parents decided to conceive REALLY late in life). The only thing worse than kids ordering are 80-year olds who never forget to mention that they get the “senior discount.” Not only do these people have no clue as to what’s going on around them, but also they never know what’s on the menu and don’t bother looking at it until it’s time to place an order. Also, when their order is finally placed on their tray, they attempt to engage the cashier in small talk and it takes them an hour to finally shuffle themselves away from the register.
Well, you couple the one cashier who didn’t know what she was doing with the other cashier who had to deal with two grandparents and three screaming demons, you can imagine how fun my time in line was. But I will count my blessings in this instance. After all, my order took about a minute to complete, and thankfully I got there before the lunch rush, so even though my wait was unnecessarily long, it could have been much worse; the line was almost out the door when I sat down and started to eat. Oh, and the triple cheeseburger was filled with all that greasy goodness that you can experience when consuming one of these heart-attacks-between-a-bun.
11:45 p.m.
• So this gets a little chuckle out of me whenever I see it. All across America the po-lice are CRACKING DOWN on drivers not wearing their seat belts. Oh Noz~! Anyway, these stupid click it or ticket billboards have sprung up in my neck of the woods. If you don’t have one around where you live, here’s how they look.
Now the difference in this billboard from the ones in Pennsylvania is that instead of that “click it’ logo on the lower right we have some hippie state symbol and our logo. What is my commonwealth’s logo titled? “State of Independence.” Yeah, we got a mean independent streak. As long as we wear our seat belts…
…and not drive more than two miles in the left lane.
…and remove all the snow from our vehicle before driving.
…and buy your booze from a state-controlled liquor store.
Other than that, and the million other nitpicky laws on the books, we’re free to do as we please. Now I need to move the better half away from my half of the fridge we are sleeping on top of. Damn you Bush economy.
• Gee, I wonder who will be paying for air time on MTV? I bet it's McCain trying to appeal to the young'ins.
Wow, Barack Osama really is that dumb. I'm sure this network would have slobbed his knob through November for free.
8:30 p.m.
• Here's something really sad to learn about me. When I first heard this song, I thought for quite some time that Compton was in Michigan. (0:25)
Actually, that's not the half of it. I almost failed 8th grade. In order to pass that year I had to take two summer school classes at my school plus a mail-order class. But hey, at least I was able to beat Ghouls 'n Ghosts on the Sega Genesis that year.
• As much as I'm trying to keep this from being All-Palidin All-The-Time, this is getting silly.
• There is justice in this world. Long story short: The much-talked-about welfare brood with the two test-tube kids was trying to add a third beaker into the bunch. Sadly, the turkey basting didn't take and now the matriarch of this bunch called the better half last night for some solace. This is funny to me, considering when Mrs. kkk suffered a miscarriage, this welfare queen said, among other things, "Well you can have one of mine; they're driving me CrAzY~!"
But the "justice" isn't with a family that can't take care of themselves failing at adding another mouth to feed.
The justice is that during this conversation Mrs. kkk learned that the State is no longer paying for their kids' health care? Why is that? Because the toothless Mexican can get health insurance through his job as a janitor. OH NOES! Having to take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!
• So I was heading out from work today when I heard about a potential sniper in some building in downtown Shittsburgh, effectively paralyzing the city. Great. And I had to go downtown to pick up the better half from her job. I pulled into a gas station and filled up the tank, expecting to be in gridlock for some time while trying to get around the Fort Pitt tunnels, which had been shut off, according to news reports. Then when I got back in the car, I heard that all was resolved. Apparently, some guy had been shooting pigeons with a pellet gun. I can’t wait until this makes its way around the wires, if it hasn’t already. Instead of making some smart-ass remark, I’m going to defend the city/county police. According to local news reports, the police handled this situation well, so I’ll tip my cap to my favorite city to rag on. Actually, I’ll take it a step further and say that the newly elected mayor, Bob O’Connor, seems like a decent guy, and I hope he can turn the financial woes of Shittsburgh around. Sure he’s a Democrat, but when you’re dealing with urban areas, you pretty much have to take what you can get.
Truth be told, not only am I hopeful that O’Connor will do a good job, but I also like the Democrat Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato. Ever since he got elected a few years ago, he’s seemed like a stand up guy and hasn’t been afraid to appear on local talk shows and debate/discuss regional issues; he's even managed to piss off some of the local Democrat machine by trying to streamline county government, a promise he made on the campaign trail. If he would run for governor, I might consider switching my registration so I could vote for him in a primary against that asshole Ed Rendell. Onorato won’t make me want to buy a house in Allegheny County, but he’s a great start.
• On the other side of police efficiency, the Florida Corrections Department put a former minor league baseball player on the payroll in a no-show job so that he could help prison guards win a softball tournament, according to investigators. If this were one of those guards/inmate contests, wouldn’t it have been easier to take away the prisoners’ weights for a month or so prior to the game?
• A bus maintenance worker in Los Angeles is calling it quits at his job – at 100 years of age. According to the article, this guy worked at this place in 1924-1928, left and returned in 1934, and has been there ever since. The scary part? No, it’s not that he was a bus driver (he wasn’t); during all this time he has missed only one day of work.
• Now this was … interesting.
If the guy cut off his member and was still going strong, I’m surprised a Taser was able to slow him down. Goddamn. Apparently the reason he sliced off his johnson was because of trouble with his girlfriend. I don’t think things got any better after that, unless wanting to be a eunuch was his original intent.
• I don’t know what to think of this chick that banged her 14-year old student. I guess what leaves a sour taste in my mouth is that if it was a male teacher who did this to a female student, we wouldn’t be hearing about how the guy has a bipolar disorder and wants to start a journalism career so “he can express himself in writing." This guy accused would be beating the feminazis back with a stick, and I wouldn’t blame these ravenous harpies for wanting his hide. The person I really feel for is this crazy chick’s husband; not only do we now know that he wasn't able to get the job done in the bedroom, but also that she preferred some kid who isn’t old enough to drive a car over him.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 78: Kahran Ramsus
Whenever a bunch of immature dolts get together to wax politic on a message board, things can sometimes get out of hand. Thank goodness we have mods like Kahran Ramsus to keep us hoes in line. I haven’t talked much to him during my time here, but he’s one of the people that make this place go ‘round. And when he signed up in my football contest last year, I got the pleasure of interacting with him more than when he just closes threads I help queer up.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed. (And yes, this really is her.)
From Cancer Marney:
From EricMM:
Chazz1998 recently asked me a question regarding my 6/25 entry about how some cashiers get the “deer in headlights” look when thrown a curveball by a customer. He asked, “I was just wondering whenever you handled register duties at a previous job and had a "deer in the headlights" moment, did any customer's ever give you shit about it?” Well, I was a teen-ager, and I was a male, so the answer to this is: Oh hell yes. I spent my formative years working on the front lines of entry-job hell: fast food. While in high school, I gained much wisdom from the many adventures I encountered along the way. My first pearl of insight is: Never piss off fast-food workers when it’s 15 minutes until closing time and you can’t see what they are doing with your food. Another observation is if you don’t want to have your customers throw a tantrum, put a reasonably good-looking chick at register instead of a dopey guy. Believe me, this works. Whenever the slightest thing went wrong with an order I was responsible for, even if I had nothing to do with the snafu, the customer usually acted like I had just wiped my crack with the Shroud of Turin and asked him if he would like to super-size his order.
Here's a trip down memory lane regarding this subject. I was working register for McDonald’s with another cashier when suddenly we got hit with one of the most chaotic dinner rushes I have witnessed anywhere. Not only were we at least 10 orders deep, but drive-thru was getting swamped as well. Now I’m know I have been a part of busier shifts, but what made this suck was that we were so under-staffed for this. My "deer in headlights" moment came when this family ordered something like 10 cheeseburgers that had to be made a special way, without the onions I think. Well, when my special order came up, it was grouped with a bunch of other burgers. When I went to put bag my order, I realized that a drive-thru chick who got to this pile before me didn’t notice the special order slip for my order and just took a handful of cheeseburgers, swiping several of mine. Of course this was my fault and the head of this household blurted out to me, “Well you better find which ones are our; WE PAY YOUR WAGES!”
The reason I bring this story up is because had I been in the back making these beef discs and an attractive female co-worker been dealing with the customers, she probably wouldn’t have had much, if any, criticism directed toward her. How do I know this? I’ve witnessed enough times this magic happen, especially if the person who’s doing the ordering is a man. I guess these guys think that if they act kind and cordial that somehow an attractive cashier will ask to suck his dick in the restroom or something. Now there are exceptions to this; homely looking girls manning a register are just the same as if a guy was standing there. Also, if the male customer is with a date, then this false chivalry might not happen. However, more times than not, greeting a customer who walks through the doors, or pulls up to a drive-thru window, with a pretty face will lessen the chance of them getting pissed off should their order be made wrong up or delayed.
Before I even begin, the paternity test reference in today's entry title does NOT involve me (yet... ).
• A few entries ago I made my insta-predictions for this year’s MLB playoffs. Why has Al kkkeiper reprinted his predictions only for the division series match-ups? You’ll see.
You know, there’s a certain satisfaction with being so off target that you end up striking nearby spectators instead.
• While listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO today, there was a man-on-the-street type of deal during a top-of-the-hour newscast. A New Yorker was asked what he thought of North Korea’s alleged nuclear weapons test that took place this past weekend. And what was this genius’ comment? “It’s very disturbing. There should be treaties to stop this sort of thing.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I think what pisses me off the most about idiots like this is that their vote counts just the same as mine. Then again, I'm sure clueless commies think the same about me and my voting power.
• I have no idea who this chick is, but I like her. Apparently she achieved fame because she's hot and her boyfriend/husband (or whatever the hell he was) Jude Law was banging their ugly nanny or something. Nevertheless, I’m now her newest fan.
• While looking for the above article, I stumbled across this one that fired me up. Sure the kid’s not yours, but you still gotta pay. And who says that red diaper doper baby judges don’t have too much power?
• You know it’s Monopoly time at McDonalds. How? Because rednecks from nearby counties and their out-of-state friends are thinking up ways to win the grand prize without having to gain 100 lbs from eating all those greasy burgers and sugar-laden soft drinks.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This lady has a sister who wants the two of them to go into business together. The caller's sister wants to start up an ice cream parlor business, but the caller has some reservations about doing so. Why? Because the sister has been caught in the past stealing from a church she used to work at. How much money did she swipe? $116,000 during a two-year period. What did the sister use the money for? Gambling.
6:30 p.m.
• Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?
So the better half had a job interview today. I don’t know what it was about – something about a research study about old people killing themselves. Or was it about old people peeing themselves? It doesn’t matter. In the end it’s a bunch of wasted money. Anyway, she spoke with this one guy who runs the study. So far so good. Mrs. kkk like him. He gave her wrong directions to the interview location and admitted his mistake. Hey, that’s a good sign. He’s normal. In academia. Then we got to the woman who’s some big shit with the study.
Oh man.
Here was one her questions to the better half: “You plan on having kids?” When Mrs. kkk revealed to her that she miscarried earlier this year, the interviewer paused and then made some remark about if she’s going to try again. She also asked some other questions like, “So do you have a boyfriend?” Good God. And of course I get a phone call from the better half after this was all over bitching about the interview. Then me, playing the GODDMAN OPTIMIST, says, “would you rather know this bitch is a cunt once you were working there?” I still don’t know how I got to be the positive thinker in all this – she’s got three more interviews in the next two weeks. When you have an employable skill in demand YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THE FIRST JOB OFFERED TO YOU. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to convince Mrs. kkk to file a complaint regarding this illegal line of questioning (I’m tired of working; I want a seven-figure settlement), but she has already informed the person who runs the study that she is withdrawing her name from consideration due to the treatment she received at the interview and gone into detail about the cross-examining. That’s my girl.
I almost forgot. Mrs. kkk's soon-to-be ex-boss has also made the "You're just going to get pregnant again" comments over the last few months when commenting on whether or not she's going to be around. This was of course before she got laid off.
• Speaking of the better half -- she was on a Thursday news broadcast on one of our local television stations. No, she wasn't interviewed. She was in the background for about half-a-second. And naturally her story didn't come on until 50 or so minutes into the program.
• I don't care what anybody says, I like these ads.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 77: Sass
Much like Kahran Ramsus, I always found Sass, during his time as a mod, to be a voice of reason in many instances. Not only has he provided “the final word(s)” on a number of occasions regarding the banning of someone or explaining why mods took a specific course of action on some TSM “heated issue,” but also if anyone disagreed with him I’m sure Sass could squash that poster like a bug, what with him being a power-lifting hoss and all. I haven’t seen him around as of late, but having a normal life can do that to someone.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed. (And yes, this really is her.)
From EricMM:
From SFAJack:
From Cancer Marney:
• One of the big stories in the Shittsburgh area regarding our beloved Pirates is that this team has not one but TWO representatives playing in the upcoming All-Star game. Not only is Jason Bay going to be a starter for the National League, but there’s another player who is arguably more valuable to this team (which isn't saying much considering he's playing on a 28-55 club, but I digress), mostly because he can play several positions in the infield and has had a good year at the plate so far. He is Freddy Sanchez. Now locally we have been encouraged to vote for Sanchez; however, he isn’t even on the All-Star ballot. Thankfully, for Freddy’s sake, he has been named as a reservist. Now although the Pirates may be in last place and have the worst record in the majors (a sweep by the Royals can do that to you), they will have a pair of all-stars for the first time since 2000. This truly is the all-star season the team promised its fans during spring training.
• The headline to this story reads: “Crack found in Discovery external tank insulation.” Those black astronauts just can’t go one mission without having a fix. Then again, can you blame them for wanting to join the space program; stealing in order to pawn a $10,000 toilet seat has got to be a better investment than breaking into your neighbor’s apartment and taking his television set and silverware.
• So yesterday was movie night in the kkk household. From our DVD collection, the better half selected Ghostbusters, a film I always liked but never appreciated until I got older. As I kid you couldn’t go wrong with enjoying Slimer or watching Rick Moranis run away from that gargoyle-dog-thing. However, as I matured got older I started to catch onto the more adult-oriented humor, especially the line, “I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.” In addition, I didn’t realize how much I resembled Peter Venkmen’s character; I’m still trying to figure out whether this is a good or bad thing.
After Ghostbusters I got to pick a movie, and I went one of my new favorites. Disney has had tremendous success with its Pixar films, and I’ve enjoyed for the most part the ones I have seen (Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo and Toy Story). However, my favorite by far has to be The Incredibles. Sure the Parr family is a rip-off of the Fantastic Four, but that doesn’t matter. When this movie first came out, it made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office. I generally steer clear of going to theaters, and if a film has had plenty of success, by the time the movie comes out on DVD and I watch it I usually feel a bit under-whelmed. The Incredibles are the exception to this rule. I got the DVD when it first came out because the better half usually loves Pixar films. However, after we watched this together I ended up enjoying this film hand over fist while Mrs. kkk gave it a “thumbs in the middle.” What made the movie for me were some of the side characters and their voices, from Jason Lee’s Syndrome to Wallace Shawn’s Gilbert Huph (the asshole boss, also known as the bald “inconceivable” evil genius of Princess Bride fame). In addition, the whole “suing” super heroes concept was clever, along with the “when ‘everybody’ is called exceptional, that means nobody is” message. In my opinion, this movie deserves every dollar it earns.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 74: Buffybeast
She loves her hosses and hates black people. While I may not understand her infatuation with hairy beasts like Albert, I certainly can’t argue with the latter, especially since she is of the same race as those she despises most. On top of all this she serves her country, which is always to be commended. However, when hearing that she wants to bang rednecks and Commanding Officers, one has to wonder if she’s in the armed forces for her sense of duty or wanting to get white boys to stand “at attention” when they are lying down? I guess it doesn't matter in the end as long as she doesn’t get caught. I say don't ask don't tell, even if you aren't a homo.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Cancer Marney:
From EricMM:
From Black Lushus:
• So France lost to Italy in the World Cup final. Gee, that’s too bad. I think my favorite moment came when Zinedine Zidane head-butted that Italian guy and got tossed out of the match as a result. Way to cost your team the championship, Frenchie. I have no idea who this guy is, but apparently he’s really good and stuff and was going to retire after this match. Hey, when Jerome Bettis played in his final quest for a championship, he only potentially cost his team a win with the divisional playoff game against the Colts, not in the Super Bowl. The funny thing is that not only did France play the better game, but also I’m sure Zidane would have been a valuable addition to his country’s penalty-kick lineup. And while I’m on this subject, one thing I don’t like about the World Cup was the shootout determining the world champ. It’s kind of a copout to run up and down a big-ass field for two hours only to have the title game decided by a gay shootout. The NHL does it best in their postseason; if there is no winner at the end of regulation, let them play until they drop. At least this way there will be more of an effort by both teams to score a goal, rather than having each team play not-to-lose and wait for penalty kicks. And now the 2010 World Cup will be held in South Africa. I wonder what there will be more of – goals scored in the tournament or players catching the AIDS?
• As much as I think he’s a piece of shit, I have to give Pennsylvania governor Ed Rendell props; this douche sure knows how to campaign. For the first three years of his administration all this asshole has done is raise taxes and sign in pay raises. What has he done in the past week or so? He appealed to conservative Democrats, of which there are plenty of in the Keystone State, by signing legislation silencing those “God Hates Fags” idiots from protesting the funerals of our military personnel. Fast Eddie then appealed to his base constituency – those who can’t make more than $5.15/hour thanks to this horrid Bush economy – by jacking up the state’s minimum wage by $2/hour over the next year. On this matter I should note that the congress is “GOP controlled,” or at least it is allegedly. But on the bright side of things, this will probably bring about more of those self-scanning personal shoppers I’ve talked about in the past, which take the place of cashiers and other entry-level workers, who are supposed to be the beneficiaries of a minimum-wage increase. I always love hearing how you can’t support a family on minimum wage; you’re not supposed to. Before producing kids you can’t afford, can you please put a bullet in the back of your head?
8:30 p.m.
• Just found out that the out-of-control niece-in-law has an STD -- lol. I don't know what it's called, but it involves warts, probably leads to cancer and is not going away. When the grandmother confronted her on this sometime today (they found out about this from some gynecology tests that showed "abnormalities"), I was told the niece replied, "It's not an STD. I got it from having multiple sexual partners." When the Web MD printout was shown to her stating that this was indeed a virus, she replied "thanks for ruining my afternoon."
6:30 p.m.
• So I'm at work with the Best of Sean Hannity playing in the background (that's a joke just waiting to be delivered) when he gets a caller talking about how some person got voted off from "American Idol" because she sang a song from the Dixie Terrorists. Oh, and Hannity agreed with him.
9:45 a.m.
• I didn't realized I had so many non-auto-setting clocks. Jesus Christ.
• Actually, I hope you'll be more like the RFK of 2008.
And don't forget to stop by the California primary.
Now FREEZE...
*hip-hop beat*
Music please.
Anyone that correctly guesses where those last three lines are from gets moved up an extra spot on the Top 103 list.
1:30 a.m.
• So Captain America bit the big one.
After reading this place's "Civil War" thread it sounds like he turned into a terrorist anyway, so I say good riddance. The only comic book characters I ever paid attention to (i.e. read more than two of their issues) were Batman, Sgt. Rock and the Punisher. Even though I probably missed out on 99.9 percent of the jokes, I found this funny nevertheless.
If you’re a fan of RIGHT-WING RADIO, then this is the place for you. If not, I'm sure there's an Air America station within 1,000 miles or so of your residence.
Talkers magazine recently released its list of top hosts for 2006. Now, from what I seem to remember, previous lists used to just have the top 100 hosts in a random order. Well now the list appears to have these people ranked in order of importance or some shit. Also, they increased the list to 250 and separated hosts by subject matter. Cool
Even though I have listened to RIGHT-WING RADIO since 1994, there’s no way I know every one of these people, but there are a number on this list that I have heard to over the years or feel like commenting on. Time to go down the list:
• Howard Stern is number one? Eh, I’ll accept it, even though I haven’t listened to him in years. I’ve talked about him recently, so I’ll refrain from repeating my opinion of him. I guess the whole move to satellite radio is one of the driving reasons for him to be at the top for this year.
• Rush, Hannity and Savage are 2-4, no surprises there.
• Dr. Laura is number 5? In every market I have had her in, she has either been cancelled or moved around to several different time slots. She’s not on in the Shittsburgh market (although she made a brief appearance back in the mid-90s). I liked her show, but it wasn’t because of her moral preaching. I always loved it when the idiot callers would ask for her opinion on their relationship problems. You could tell these callers had already made up their minds regarding what they wanted to do in their relationship, and it was always the opposite of what a rational person would do.
“Dr. Laura, my husband beats me, does drugs in front of my three kids from a previous boyfriend and stays out all night.”
“Why haven’t you had him arrested?”
“Because I love him.”
“You’re an idiot.”
It’s like the Maurey Povich Show for radio.
• Don Imus is number 6 – did I miss something here? I’ve listened to him a few times on MSNBC when I have stayed up all night and needed some sleep relief.
• For the love of God, Laura Inghram does not deserve to be number 7. My area carriers some of her show in the early morning, and the few times I listened to her show it was so unfunny, not to mention tedious.
• Mike Gallagher is number 8 – I guess he’s doing well. When I got to listen to him, he wasn’t one of my favorites. In fact, I’d put him on the bottom tier of my preferred RIGHT-WING RADIO hosts. However, I do like him for other reasons, which I will explain below. Back in the late 1990s I listened to him in the Sappy Valley market. At the time he had a chat room where fans could go to and gab while the show was on. The cool thing about this was if someone made a witty comment to a topic he was discussing he would say it on-air and name the person who said it. Well, obviously if I’m making real-time comments to a RIGHT-WING RADIO show, my remarks would undoubtedly make it on the air, which they did. However, he didn’t know what my user name “kkktookmybabyaway” meant; it was funny listening to him goof on the name to his nationwide audience. One time, however, after saying my name (and prefacing it with he had no idea why I called myself this) he got a caller that explained it’s meaning. As it turns out Gallagher was a Ramones fan but he never heard that song, which has me questioning whether or not he really was a fan to begin with.
Here’s another story about Mike. He was originally on the “main” Sappy Valley RIGHT-WING RADIO station in the area, and this station sucked. (I could spend a week bitching about this station, and at some point I probably will.) Not only would this station always lose its feeds, but also it would play shows from other networks, among other technical screw-ups. Well one time after Gallagher’s show ended, they stayed with his studio and spent about 20 minutes broadcasting him making “teasers” for his show that were sent to markets that had the show on tape delay. A few days later when he was chatting with us online after his show ended at noon, I told him about how his State College affiliate was screwing up his shows and played him reading “tape delay teasers.” A short while later his show moved to the other station in town.
• Neal Boortz cracked the Top 10. Awesome. This guy is based out of Atlanta and is by far my favorite host. I first got to listen to him on WPGB in the Shittsburgh area back in early 2004 when the station switched from urban music to a RIGHT-WING RADIO format. He was on tape delay from 1-3 p.m., and many times I would listen to his show over Rush’s. Unfortunately, when Rush’s show moved from KDKA to WPGB, Boortz got bumped. However, a smaller talk station in the area (WPTT) picked up his show, but only for a while. A short time later WPTT took him off the air because they were going with a more “independent” lineup. Some local harpy named Lynn Cullen who is just horrid took over his time slot, and I haven’t listened to that piece of shit station since. Sadly, since my work computer is a Mac, I can’t listen to Boortz’s show on-line (or at least I haven’t figured out how). If his show would ever move to satellite radio, I’d be a subscriber.
To be continued.
• There are a lot of things in this world that piss me off, but in the grand scheme of things most of these things are nothing I lose sleep over. However, there are a few things that truly get me mad. One of them is when a police officer is involved in a shooting, and some shitbag lawyer or ACLU-type bitch complains that the cop had to shoot and kill the suspect. Usually, their reasoning is, “Well couldn’t the officer have shot the person in the arm or leg?” Another thing that just angers me to no end are these high-speed police chases. On Wednesday the FAUX NEWS REPORT (lol2006) spent half of the program broadcasting one of these pursuits taking place in California. Not only was this asshole suspected of Grand Theft Auto, but also he was going 80-90 mph in residential areas. I’m sure this asshole eventually got caught; I don’t care how great a person he was before this chase, but he should never see the light of day after trying to avoid the law and putting the lives of innocent motorists and pedestrians around him in danger. The said thing is if he would have gotten into an accident and killed someone, some people would blame the cops for chasing him. Anyone that starts one of these pursuits should be charged with attempted vehicular homicide or something for every car or pedestrian he or she passes. These people should never breath the sweet air of freedom for the rest of their miserable existence.
• This is why I hate picking games/tournament brackets/etc. I loathe the Duke Blue Devils, but I was hoping they’d win last night because I had them losing to Boston College in the Championship Game several rounds down the road in my bracket. Bastards.
• Last night I got to catch up on my video game playing. First I put in NHL ’06, where I was riding a humble one-game winning streak after losing six in a row (I’m in my first season in franchise mode, or whatever the hell it’s called). I can deal with losing, but each game I lost during this streak was by one goal, and several of them were lost in the last 20 seconds of the third period. I’m about seven points out of the playoff hunt. I’m only 20 or so games in the season, so I’m still trying to get used to the game play. However, last night I was dreading going up against the Florida Panthers, who are in first place in their division and had a 98-rated goaltender. To my surprise I won 5-3, although I almost blew a three-goal lead. (For the record, I play 5-minute periods at the hard, but not impossible, level with the penalty bar maxed out.) I’m not sure what to do with the Pens; I’m planning on dumping Sergei Gonchar before the trading deadline. He’s my best defenseman, but he’s also eating up a $5 million/year salary, and I’ll need that money to sign some of my younger players in the next year or so. I’m also torn on whether or not to trade Lemieux – I know he’s going to retire after this season, but damnit, he’s MARIO LEMIEUX! Besides, he’s the only center I have that’s any good, although Kraft does OK on the second line, especially when playing a Behind the Net offense scene. And, damnit, I’d be trading away MARIO LEMIEUX!
• After NHL ’06, I popped in Madden ’05 and lost against the Bengals for the second time this season. My running game was stuffed, although Maddox did have 370 yards passing, his best of the season so far. It was one of the more exciting games I had in recent memory, and if I have to lose a game this is the way I want to go out – 20-26 in OT. I had two chances to win in OT, but I couldn’t convert a 4th and 1 at their 38-yard line, and on my next drive I came up just short on a 53-yard FG attempt. (I recently started over with my franchise and have it at all-star setting with the penalties maxed out and 13-minute quarters.)
All good things must come to an end, and around this time every year a little piece of me dies inside because the NBA and NHL playoffs conclude. This year had both leagues experience exciting match-ups, even in their respective final rounds. Normally, after the first two rounds of each league's playoffs, I tend to tune in and out for the rest of their seasons. This year, however, was different.
NHL: Like I said in a previous entry, this was one contest where I didn't know who to cheer for when it came to the Stanley Cup Finals. There were a number of Hurricane players that I remember from my childhood, but how can you not cheer for the low seed that scratched and clawed its way to a Finals berth? I think in the end I was pulling for the Hurricanes to take this one. Edmonton did themselves in by having their goalie Dwayne Roloson hurt during Game 1. For all those that want to put the blame on the backup goalie who made that puck-handling blunder late in Game 1, I say leave him alone. God knows when he saw any real ice time before that, and they expected him to take a close Game 1 in stride? If blame is to be laid anywhere, it's that Oilers player that knocked an opponent into Roloson, knocking him out for the rest of the Finals. After that "gimmie" win, the Oilers gave Game 2 away as well. However, you have to hand it to Edmonton -- most teams would have just packed their things and went home. To dig out of a 0-2 deficit and take the series to seven games says a lot about the character of that team. However, like I said before, in the end it was nice to know that Rod Brind’Amour and Glen Wesley finally got to lift the Stanley Cup up, especially Wesley. Back in the '90s I was a Bruins fan and felt bad seeing him and Ray Bourque always come up short. When Bourque finally won with Colorado, all that was left was for Wesley to get the chance to give Lord Stanley a smooch.
NBA: I'm not sure what was more remarkable -- the Heat winning three on their home court and going on to best Dallas in Game 6, or the Mavericks coming two and three-quarters games away from taking a commanding 3-0 series lead only to crash and burn. I wasn't sure which team was going to win Game 6 at first. Dallas had the upper hand midway through the second quarter, but then I got up to scoop some litter boxes. When I returned the Heat were leading by a point. It was then, with a plastic bag filled with soiled clumpable litter that I knew the Heat were going to win their first championship later that night. However, the real highlight of this series came when Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was answering questions from the media after a loss. One reporter asked him if this is the worst loss he ever experienced and Cuban responded by saying something like, "No, one time in my Pee-Wee league we lost a game with two seconds left." Like Cuban or not, that's a great answer. I'm not sure what to make of this guy; some people like him because he's different from just about every pro sports owner out there -- others think he's full of shit and needs to check himself before he wrecks himself. While I'm sure he's a phony in some aspects of his public image, I'd rather have him signing paychecks to a team than Bill Bidwell of the Arizona Cardinals or Donald Sterling of the Clippers.
See both of you leagues next year.
• I know talking about video games is pathetic, but I don’t care. Last night I was playing Game 5 of my NHL ’06 second-round playoff series against the Devils. I was already up 3-1 in the series, but the last two games had been extremely close, and Game 5 was no exception. The first two periods were scoreless with each team getting a number of chances to score. Then New Jersey opened up the final period with three goals within the first 10 minutes of simulated game time. (I play 5-minute periods; otherwise, these games would end up with several hundred shots and a few dozen goals per contest; at least this way the games are more realistic in terms of stats.) Suddenly, Martin Brodeur, who had been blocking every one-timer and deke I had been throwing at him all game, got lit up for three goals in the span of less than five minutes of game time. With 40 seconds remaining, I was able to score one more time and put in an empty-netter that sealed the deal with a 5-3 win. The first 40 minutes of this game had zero goals; the last 20 had eight. Now it’s onto Florida, where I have had trouble this season.
• I heard on a local sports talk show this morning that the Pirates announced they are investing the $5+ million they saved thanks to dumping players this past trading deadline back into the team in terms of player development/scouting/etc. This raises the question of what has the Pirates front office been doing the previous dozen-plus years with the extra money it has collected from trading away players and their contracts. If $5 million got saved every year since 1993 thanks to getting rid of costly players in mid-season, you’re looking at $70 million in savings. With that kind of scratch they could sign A-Rod – for a week.
• This humidity must be mellowing me out because yesterday I went to the grocery store and didn’t even bother to goof on this woman when she thought she could ring up her order on a personal shopping scanning station. I don’t know why I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she had to have been shopping with a personal scanner in order to check out at that register. I probably chose not to because I wanted her to finish checking out before realizing that all her rushed effort would be for naught. Besides, I know had I interfered with her attempt to quickly get out of the store it would not have ended good. Here is how I’m guessing the conversation would have gone:
“Excuse me, but you need to have a personal shopper scanner in order to ring up your groceries at this registers.”
“Huh?”
“*I go on the explain for 5 minutes or so what a personal shopper scanner is.*”
“Well they should post a sign saying this registers is for personal shoppers only.”
“Uh, they do. *Points to big-ass sign this lady passed right up before scanning items.*”
I’m not sure what will happen after this, but I’m sure this woman would bitch some more, and I would have had to put her in her place because I have no tolerance for people that do something dumb and want to place the blame on someone else. I think another reason I bit my tongue in this case was because I bought these kick-ass ice cream sandwiches called “skinny cows” for half-price and didn’t want them to melt during this encounter.
The reason I am talking about grocery shopping is that I’ve noticed a lot of products are being discontinued, particularly these Emeril sauces that are way overpriced. I wonder if the other grocery products around the discontinued items make fun of them when nobody’s watching because the manufacturer is basically saying that nobody wants to buy this crap and it’s no longer being produced. Most of the time I have nothing to do with these discontinued items, except for these Shrimp Teriyaki Bowls that were hella good. Of course those disgusting Garlic Shrimp Scampi Bowls are still kicking; God knows why.
