This stuff just writes itself.

LOS ANGELES Aug 23, 2006 (AP) — Get ready for a segregated "Survivor." Race will matter on the upcoming season of the CBS show as contestants will be divided into four tribes by ethnicity. That means blacks, whites, Latinos and Asians in separate groups.

 

The announcement was made on CBS' Early Show. Host Jeff Probst says the idea "actually came from the criticism that 'Survivor' was not ethnically diverse enough." He says the twist fits in perfectly with what "Survivor" does, saying the show is "a social experiment. And this is adding another layer to that experiment." Probst says contestants had mixed reactions to the racial divisions.

 

This time the new Survivors are stranded on the Cook Islands in the South Pacific. The castaways include a police officer, a heavy metal guitarist, an attorney and a nail salon manager. The new season of Survivor debuts September 14th.

Bwahahahahaha. Man, I don’t know where to begin with this. Earlier today I was flipping channels because the usual NFL Live/Jim Rome/Around the Horn lineup I watch while exercising was canned due to those brats in Williamsport. I came across a Tucker Carlson show on MSNBC. Normally I’d just keep on flipping, but something caught my eye. Was it? Could it be? It was!

My n*gga Neal Boortz was on the show commenting on this very subject! And he stole my line of, “Well if the challenges deal with math the Asians have this won.” Bastard. But I digress. Now it's time to play the game that's sweeping the nation.

GUESS THAT RACE

Because I don’t want to ruin your playing experience, first I’ll just list the names and profiles of this season’s Survivor contestants. Next I will make my guesses as to each person's race and give the reasons for my picks. Finally, I’ll post the answers followed by my reaction to each one. Let’s see how well I do. I’m only going to go through this list one time, and there will be no backtracking or editing of my answers. Reading all the names and doing a process of elimination is for hippies.

THE CONTESTANTS:

Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.

Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.

Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angele.

J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.

Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.

Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.

Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.

Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.

Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.

Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.

Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.

Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C..

Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.

Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.

Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.

Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.

Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.

Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.

Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.

Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.

THE GUESSES:

Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.

A tough one right off the bat. I want to say Asian, but they didn’t say she did nails at the mall. Because of that I’m going with White or Black, but which one? I’m going with White because I don’t visualize many Blacks in a place called Laurelton. Unless she’s light-skinned, which is possible. Shit. I’m going with my first thought and saying Black.

Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.

You got to be fucking kidding me. Asian.

Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angeles.

The style of music cinches it for me. Black.

J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.

Hard. The “J.P.” it signaling a minority, but pro volleyball? White.

Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.

Well I know which person the blacks will throw off the island first. My initial thought was White, but I’m going to go with Hispanic because I’m sensing a swerve here.

Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.

Deep South, older nursing student. I’m going to say Black.

Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.

Asian. Nah, just kidding. White as rice, err, snow, even with that last name. Wait a second. I’m not a heavy metal guy; I can’t think of many (fuck that, I can’t think of ANY) Hispanic front men, but could they be playing instruments? I’ll still go White.

Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.

A person in California with a job not picking produce? He ain’t Hispanic. I’ll go with Black because I sense another swerve. My reasoning? Copier sales = rappers copy other people’s music. Close enough.

Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.

Hispanic. I feel bad for his boss who is trying to figure out why there’s a high rate of theft at the store.

Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.

Asian, although the feminazi hyphenated last name is drawing a red flag. On second thought, I’m going Hispanic. Another good front. They sell the house to a family, then clean them out after they move in. No. Hispanics work in slaughterhouses in Illinois. Asian it is.

Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.

They’re not even trying with this one. Asian.

Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C.

Eww. You got the “Becky” for white and the “Lee” for Asian. Shit. I see more White chick attorneys than Asian. I’m playing the numbers on this one.

Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.

I don’t know many blacks with the nickname “Ozzy,” although I’m skeptic at a White guy being a waiter in California. He might be a pseudo-actor though. Sorry Hispanics, I’m going White here.

Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.

I’m glad I went White above, because I’m going Hispanic here.

Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.

Charles Oakley was black, and a damn good rebounder, too. Sundra sounds like the Sudan, so I’m going Black.

Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.

“Pen”er and a writer? Only a White guy would be that lame.

Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.

If it were a kick-boxer I’d go Asian, but the fact she is a waitress makes me guess Hispanic.

Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.

I don’t need to comment on this one. Do I? White. This only thing of color in this profile is the name of the city.

Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.

Crap. I don’t know. I’m going to say Hispanic just because. I do know that whatever race this guy ends up being, he’s gay.

Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.

The better half knew a Black chick studying for a Masters/Ph.D. during her time in grad school who had the same first name as Ms. Woodcock, so I’m not falling for the “premed” trap on this one.

THE ANSWERS:

The proof.

Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.

Black. 1 for 1.

I was right on with this one.

Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.

Asian. 2 for 2.

This one shouldn’t even count.

Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angeles.

Black 3 for 3.

That first name and the choice of music was just too much for me not to pass up.

J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.

Hispanic. 3 for 4.

Even with this mistake, I know Al Keiper would still give me a good win-share figure.

Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.

Hispanic. 4 for 5.

Ha. I knew it.

Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.

Black. 5 for 6.

OK, now I’m starting to scare myself.

Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.

Hispanic. 5 for 7.

Damn. I should have went with the name over the profession on this one.

Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.

White. 5 for 8.

I missed the boat on this one, but these California contestants could go any way.

Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.

Black. 5 for 9.

Like I said above about Adam.

Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.

Asian. 6 for 10.

Whew. That was a close one.

Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.

Asian. 7 for 11.

Next. Say, with my current score, how come India or the Middle East aren’t being represented in this season of Survivor?

Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C.

Asian. 7 for 12.

Shucks. If I watched more Alley McBeal I might have gotten this one right. Oh well, I’ll take the wrong answer over watching that show any day.

Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.

Hispanic. 7 for 13.

I hate these California entries.

Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.

Hispanic. 8 for 14.

I went with the name over the job and am glad for it.

Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.

Black. 9 for 15.

Yeppers.

Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.

White. 10 for 16.

I know my own people too well.

Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.

White. 10 for 17.

Well maybe I don’t know my own people all that well. I forgot about Million Dollar Baby.

Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.

White. 11 for 18

Even if she wasn’t part of “your own people” you had to get this one right.

Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.

Asian. 11 for 19

The hell? I just guessed on this one anyway.

Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.

White. 11 for 20

That last name sounded WASP-y, but I was going with personal experience. Looks like I need to broaden my horizons.

FINAL SCORE: 55 percent.

Well there you go. No matter which race becomes the ultimate Survivor, the true winners in this competition are the Jews in charge of this show.