2/5: A Post-Super Bowl Ad-On
7:45 p.m.
• Of course, I haven’t talked about the most important thing regarding this year’s Super Bowl: How were the ads? Not good, I’m afraid. Below are my opinions regarding this year's batch.
“Reception” by Bud. Whatever.
“Class Mencia” by Bud. I knew where this was going five seconds into this ad, and I like Carlos Mencia so I’m probably a bit biased with this one. One of my preferred ads, but that’s not saying much with this year's crop.
“Live the Flavor” by Doritos. Was this the homemade ad that aired? If so, it wasn’t half bad. Hell, if that chick would have been on all fours for the entire 30 seconds, this would be my favorite commercial of the night.
“Snickers Super Bowl Ad.” Retarded. And no, it’s not because I’m a homophobe. I’m all about making fun of rednecks, those with mullets or other semblances of white trash, but it just wasn’t all that humorous.
“Rock Paper Scissors” by Bud. Eh.
“But He has Bud Light.” This one was so-so up until the end when the Ax guy comments on Chainsaw Man. That got a laugh out of me.
“Fist Bump” by Bud. Fist bump in the face the people that came up with this one.
“Coca-Cola Videogame.” I thought the ad was dumb, but I did like the animation, if that makes any sense.
“RollinVIP” by Nationwide. Fuck the fast-food haters, I liked this one. A lot. And until this ad I had never heard the former Mr. Spears talk.
“Comb-Over” by Sierra Mist. And that Ian Black guy goofs on other people from decades past?
“We’re Obsessed with Quality” by GM. The only thing that made me laugh is knowing that union workers are “obsessed with quality.” Otherwise, awful.
“Dalmation” by Bud. I’m sure a lot of people liked this one, but not me. Nothing wrong with having dogs in your ads, though.
“Boogeyman” by Emerald Nuts. “Robert Goulet appears and messes with your stuff.” What the hell? I’m saying “what the hell” in a good way, mind you.
“Check Out Girl” by Doritos. I guess this won that hippie contest, too. I liked the first one better. Much better. Get this chick down on all fours and you can put a saddle on her. ... After getting that image into my head, I think I might have to amend my previous sentence.
“New Steak Grilled Taquitos” by Taco Bell. Similar to the Dalmatian ad, I’m sure people liked this one; I just didn’t.
“Promotion Pit” By Career Builder. I don’t really care for this ad, but having gone through the experiences I have in the past three years at my place of employment, I think I like these kinds of ads more than I normally would if I were working at some place not headed up by fucking idiots. The “delivery guy” earned a chuckle.
“Generic Ad Name” by Garmin. Was over-the-top and dumb, but that’s a good thing. I approve.
“King Crab” by Bud. Didn’t care for it. Then again, I’m not a beer drinker so my opinion on these Bud ads may be tainted.
“Not What it Seems” by FedEx. There have been some funny FedEx ads like this in the past, but this ain’t one of them.
“Happiness Factory" By Coca-Cola. The fuck? People spent money making this shit?
“Darts & Jungle” by Career Builder. Not as well-liked as the above Career Builder. The “lemming shot” was good, though.
“Great Apes” by Bud. Stupid.
“Moon Office” by FedEx. Ugh. Stick to the “office-type” ads.
“Finger” by E-Trade. Wasn’t bad. Wasn’t great. I was waiting for the "middle finger" reference.
“Go Daddy.” I’ve never liked these Go Daddy ads. Hey, let’s put a chick with big tits in front of a camera wearing one of our shirts! See, with the Doritos ad I mentioned above dealing with the chick on all fours, that image was only on for a second, leaving much to the imagination. If you’re going to exploit big-chested women with nothing in-between their ears and an inferno in-between their legs, at least make it somewhat amusing.
“Hard to Say Goodbye” by the NFL. The Radier scenes were cute.
“Car Wash” by Chevy. Dreadful.
“Connectile Dysfunction” by Sprint. This is one of my favorite ads of the lot, if only because it’s goofing on all those four-hour boner ads. Or at least that’s my opinion of what they were trying to get across.
“Performance Evaluation” by Career Builder. I didn’t see this one during the game; I think this is my favorite Career Builder ad so far.
“Tundra Ramp” by Toyota. Those ads didn’t do it for me. Then again, I don’t beat off to vehicles that have oodles of horsepower and all that other shit.
“Karate” by Sierra Mist. They thought it was a good idea to make more than one Ian Black ad? I'm going to pretend that guy who makes fun of Hot Pockets weren't in these ads, too.
“Black History Timeline” by Coca-Cola. Do I really need to comment on this one?
“Autograph” by Foot Locker. No.
“JayZ vs. Shula” by Bud. Didn’t see this one during the game. Eh.
“Wild Hogs Movie.” The “But all I could think of was black jokes” line was amusing, but otherwise, ugh.
“Bank Robbery” by E-Trade. I feel for what they were trying to do, so I’m not going to hate on it…
“Meet the Robinsons Movie.” … But I WILL hate on this. What the fuck?!
“Green Tea” by Snapple. “It’s on the back of the bottle.” I knew it was coming, but the Jap's delivery was solid.
“See Saw” by Toyota. See my previous Toyota comment.
“Ain’t We Got Love” by Chevy. I really liked this one. Way, way more better than “This is Our Country.” I marked out when I heard LL.
“Orange County Choppers” by HP. So Orange County Choppers is a motorcycle business? I always wondered what those clothing items were pimping.
“Beat Your Heart Risk” by some hippie organization. Who made this shit?
“A Man’s Walk” by Van Heusen. The old “re-wind the ad” trick. Sorry, but I liked it better when alcohol companies did it with ads showing who the designated driver would be in a group of friends.
“Pride Movie.” First there was the football movie “Remember the Titans” that showed us the evils of RACISM. Then there was “Glory Road,” taking us through the struggles of black people playing college basketball. Now there’s a SWIMMING movie about this subject?
“Fuel Efficient Cars are the Shizzle,” by Honda. Oh boy, another ad showing a bunch of cars driving across barren land in pretty patterns. Click.
“Hannibal Rising.” I’m not a huge Hannibal fan, but I’ll watch these movies. I won’t watch them in a theater though. This will be a DVD’er.
“Men of the Year” by the United Way. Fuck this commie organization and their sexist hiring practices.
“Sales Genie.” Retarded. Simply retarded.
“Sheryl Crow Ad” by Revlon. I hate Sheryl Crow. Really, really, really hate her. Almost as much as I hate nl-asshole. That’s all I’m going to say about this one.
“Honda CR-V.” At least it had that “Hunka Burning Love” song. That’s about all I can say about this one.
“Flomax Ad.” Oh for Christ’s sake. Another one of these “Here’s to men” ads with them doing gay things like biking and boating. And they’re drinking WATER! I hate these ads. You know when the cameras stop rolling they’re all BUTT-fucking each other. “Real men” go out in the woods drinking bear, hunting defenseless animals and don’t care about having to go to the bathroom because they just piss in the bushes. Then again, I really wouldn’t know because I don’t hunt. But I bet that's what they do. And BUTT-fuck each other, of course.
OK, now let me scan through this list and come up with my insta-top five ads.
5) “Boogeyman,” by Emerald Nuts.
4) “Green Tea,” by Snapple.
3) “RollinVIP” by Nationwide.
2) “Connectile Dysfunction,” by Sprint.
1) “Ain’t We Got Love,” by Chevy.
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