8/2: kkk's Gotta Write A Cover Letter Tonight
8:15 p.m.
• There’s nothing like writing a cover letter while playing Body Count’s “Mama’s Gotta Die Tonight.” I’m a bit pissed with myself because several years ago I composed a kick-ass cover letter that I forgot to save and now can’t find the damn thing. Then again, the best that cover letter could do was land me where I am no, so why am I thinking it was any good? To make matters worse, I can’t really remember what I wrote and haven’t felt motivated to compose a new piece of literary excellence. Then I remember that in a little more than a year from now my one idiot boss will become my workplace’s idiot top guy in charge. Time to start typing.
“To Whom It May Concern: I have a proven track record of success in the field of…”
No.
“Call me Ishmael.…”
Nah.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
Fuck no.
“Burn mama.Burn mama.
Burn mama.
Burn, bitch.
Burn.
Burn.
Buuuuuurn.
Hahahahahahaha.
Burn you racist bitch!”
Oh hell yeah. Time to let the words flow.
6:30 p.m.
• So on Jim Rome's TV show today he was goofing on the Pirates for taking Matt Morris in a trade. We did? OK. Rome pretty much goofed on the Bucs for taking someone who gets paid a shitload of money. Just how much does he make?
Two contenders, the Seattle Mariners and another unknown team, had been in light discussions with the San Francisco Giants about him, but neither was willing to take on his full contract, which calls for a guaranteed $13.5 million over this year and next.
According to one San Francisco source, the Giants, desperate to move payroll as part of a beyond-Barry Bonds rebuilding effort, all but conceded no one would take Morris by Tuesday morning.
The phone rang, and it was the Pirates calling for the first time about Morris.
Wow, that's sure a lot of money, especially for the Pirates. But I bet this Morris guy is really good.
W L ERA G GS CG SHO SV SVO IP H R ER HR BB SO7 7 4.35 21 21 3 0 0 0 136.2 162 79 66 12 39 73
Uh...
• And the Pirates were also a topic on "Around the Horn." Some player threw his bat 30 rows into the stands, or something like that. Daily double, baby.
• While I'm on the subject of ESPN, if anyone else watched yesterday's NFL Live, did Bonnie Bernstein really say Jerry Jones has just two Super Bowl wins during his Cowboys ownership tenure?
2 p.m.
• And now it's time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Erica is getting married to a guy who has already been married three times. After Dr. Laura yells at her for picking someone who already has three strikes, she asks the 33-year-old Erica if she has her tubes tied. Erica says that the lesser half is fixed, adding that she wouldn't want any kids because this guy is physically abusive. I have no idea what Erica is blubbering about now; something about how she can't find anyone better. God it must be great to have a spouse you can just beat on and control.
1 p.m.
• Since in the last few days we got to see what a commie Al Keiper is, I figured he would be in attendance for this night at the ballpark.
The Lowell Spinners took baseball promotions to a whole new level Tuesday night.
The Spinners and the Brooklyn Cyclones played what may be the first ever politically correct baseball game.
That meant renaming some positions - the first, second and third basemen became "base persons," the batboy was the "bat person" for the night and the shortstop turned into the "vertically challenged stop."
"It was pretty awkward at first, I asked my buddy next to me, I was like what did he just say?" said Spinners catcher Brett Lewis.
Errors were not announced to the crowd - so they didn't offend the players who committed them.
The changes didn't help the Spinners though. Brooklyn won, 9-5.
How insensitive. A team actually WON the game? I hope everyone at least got trophies when the teams went out for ice cream afterward.
10:45 a.m.
• A day or so ago I talked about this caller to Boortz who always relates everything to pot. I didn't know his name. He's on the air now: Dave from Montana. Right now he's talking about Boortz visiting the President yesterday and how it's not fair he doesn't get to visit the POTUS. Now he's talking about the border agents who are in jail that shot the Mexican drug dealer. Here it is ... if pot was legal, they officers wouldn't be in jail. Gotta love Dave.
7 a.m.
• So there is this mama deer and two fawns that hang out by the hillside next to where I work. I oftentimes see the fawns romping around, grazing and not bothering anyone, and it gives me a chance to zone out for a few minutes (not like I would anyway even without the outside entertainment). This morning I parked my car and saw the two fawns close to the road. A little too close. I tried shooing them away because, unlike many of my conservative brethren, I don’t get the whole killing animals for sport thing. I mean, that’s why we have black people, right? Anyway, I was also scanning around looking for the mama deer because I’ve heard stories of these animals freaking out whenever they think their babies are in danger. Considering I was carrying a lunch cooler, my briefcase/portfolio thingy and a gallon of green tea, I would be in some serious trouble if Mrs. Deer decided to give me a few hooves to the head. As I watched these two innocent animals graze, they looked up at me from time to time, and then I saw mama deer at the top of the hill. She would look at me every now and then but it seemed she was leaving her babies alone. As I started walking to my office, one of the fawns began following me. Across the street. Ugh. GET OFF THE STREET YOU STUPID ANIMAL! Fortunately, a car came by and spooked the fawns up the hill. However, for a brief second, from my line of sight, it looked like the car was gong to hit the fawn head-on. It wasn’t until after the car passed that I realized the fawn had gotten back on the grass. Jesus, how hard can it be to survive when your only necessity is to STAY ON THE GRASS?
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