6 p.m.

• So I started out by waking up at 2:45 a.m. to get ready for a 4 a.m. opening at Kohl’s. The store is only 15 minutes away, but I knew I wasn’t getting my ass up the first time my alarm clock went off. Especially since I ate a bunch of turkey the night before and watched the night game with the Colts at Atlanta. After hitting the snooze alarm a half-dozen or so times, I took my shower. Even the cats were surprised at how early I was getting up. We I get up for work at 5:15 a.m., that usually causes them to mill about until they get fed breakfast. This time they just laid in place until I got out of the shower and put their food in their dishes.

I knew waking up the better half was going to be a challenge, and I was right. She’s not exactly what you call a “morning person.” Now I’m not really an early bird riser myself, but when you get up 5-6 times a week at 5 a.m. in order to pay your mortgage and put food on the table you adjust. Well, Mrs. kkk doesn’t. When I turned on my nightstand lamp to put in my contacts, I woke her up. Now I have no idea what she was trying to say because she was mostly whining in foreign tongues. However, she did get up, get dressed and was in the car when I left for Kohl’s at 3:40 a.m.

I was curious to see how many people would wake up even earlier from the last time I took part in Black Friday. In 2005 Kohl’s was open at 5 a.m. (one hour earlier than most, if not all, the other local stores in my area) – now they were opening at 4 a.m. This should be an interesting social experiment. Well, the parking lot was near-full when we pulled in at 6 a.m. OK, so it’s going to be busy, but not “Best Buy” busy. I told the better half to get her target gift basket and I was going to go after my shoes that I had lined up. When we both got what we wanted, we’d look around before checking out. Well, I got to the shoe section, and I found the shoes I was looking for. However, my worst fears came to fruition. These shoes weren’t comfortable. I knew there was a catch. No problem, there was another brand that caught my eye, and although they were a bit more expensive, the quality was more than worth the extra few dollars. Besides, I was still saving $28 per pair (I bought two pair – one brown, one black). I met Mrs. kkk and we proceeded to get in line – a line that was halfway around the store. I knew this would happen, but because of my extra dilly-dallying we would have to wait in line a bit more than I had expected. It was then I discovered a terrible oversight.

I forgot my wallet.

Oh you got to be shitting me. Here's what happened. On Turkey Day I was over the in-laws’ house. My crack-whore niece-in-law was at this event. My crack-whore niece-in-law is a thief (she got busted while a teen at Wal-Mart). I kept my wallet at home. I forgot to put my wallet back in my coat pocket. Shit. Well, I told Mrs. kkk that I was going to zip home and get the wallet while she stayed in line. She asked if there would be enough time. I assured her there would be. I was right.

When I got back, the better half was “happily” waiting in line. I took this time to explore a few departments and found a nice deal on this press-iron-thingy that could be of great use. After the better half took a few DVDs off the impulse rack for her one non-crack-whore niece, our total bill was $165 with $205 in savings. We arrived at 4 a.m. and left the store together at 5:30 a.m. Good score. We got several things that were high on our priority list (shoes, gift basket), were able to get something that was likely to be off the shelves right away (gift basket for a better half’s co-worker – Mrs. kkk noted that there were only two left on the shelves at just past 5 a.m.), found a great deal on something that I didn’t see until we actually got in the store (press iron thingy) and managed to get one item crossed off on one niece-in-law’s list (DVD). The first store is, in my opinion, is always the most important. Here’s what I look for when picking a “first store.” My answers to each question are in italics.

1) If you were to visit later in the day, will the items you covet the most at this place be sold out? As I said above, I new the gift baskets would be gone, and I wasn’t sure about the shoes.

2) Is this first store near other stores that you can immediately plunder visit? There’s a Target in the same shopping center complex as Kohl’s, and this store wasn’t opening until 5 a.m. Perfect timing, especially since there are several items at Target that are high on my list of things-to-get.

3) Will the wait in line, which will be long, be worth what you get? I saved $205 while spending $165. Works for me.

4) Who are the customers surrounding you? There’s a reason I don’t go to Wal-Mart for my first store on Black Friday.

As we got into the car and headed over to Target, I thought it was odd that the store’s parking lot wasn’t at all full. That’s weird, the store is closed. The flyer said doors will open at 5 a.m. and it’s now 5:30 a.m. Hey, now I see people waiting outside. What the hell? Wait a second, I’m looking at Target’s Black Friday circular. Shit, I misread the “doors opening” line. It’s 6 a.m., not 5 a.m. Actually, this just might play into our favor. With the time being 5:30, this will give us time to visit the nearby Dunkin’ Donuts, get a flavored coffee and bagel and awaken our senses to what is probably going to be one of the more challenging excursions of the day. And once, again, I was right.

The good news is that with this Target opening up, it probably sucked away some customers from the Target about 10-15 minutes farther on down the road in nearby Greensburg. Less customers, more available products. Good. I remember the last few times I went to Greensburg Target on Black Friday the lines were insane. Well, this year’s experience is a perfect reason why I try not to use a cart. Unless a product is so f’n heavy that you can’t pick it up and carry it, steer free of carts. That mobility is crucial when zipping in and out of aisles. This year was no exception. One of the big items available were these video game chairs, and some soccer moms had 2-3 in their carts. With so many people using carts, there was literal gridlock in the electronics/toy department. I swear to Christ it was like New York City’s rush hour. Nobody could move and I heard a familiar phrase, “Oh, I’m so sorry for running into you.” I guess this is how EricMM must feel when riding his organic bike and seeing SUV’s own the road. However, I’m not one for requiring a “sales cart” tax or similar fascist measures. Instead, I take advantage of my mobility and cut in and out of traffic lanes hell-bent on getting my prized items for this stop: one of those above-mentioned video game chairs, some remote controlled helicopter and a bunch of DVDs.

While scanning the possibilities of trying to maneuver in the toy department, I came across this middle-aged guy who probably wasn’t used to this insanity. He made a remark to me about how crazy this experience was, which prompted me to say something like, “if it wasn’t for those pesky social mores I would lift my arms into attack formation and plow down some of these people in front of me.” He response was that this congestion reminded him of the Parkway East, which got a laugh from both of us. Fortunately for him, he reached one of the end aisles to the toy department and snagged some doll thing which must have been a popular seller because there were only a few left. I said “congratulations,” which elicited the response, “this was the only thing I came in here to get.” Well, at least he got what he was gunning for. I was able to weave in and out of stagnant cart-pushers, and get that helicopter-thing. Fortunately, the video game chair was in a spot away from the congestion, so I picked that up and headed to the register. As I met up with the better half, I noticed that the checkout lines weren’t bad at all, which was a bit of a surprise. This then caused me to say, “I’m going back in – wait for me.” Due to my agility advantage over most of my fellow shoppers, I bobbed and weaved through the masses to the DVD section and snagged eight DVDs/TV seasons/value packs I had in my sights, including a few that Mrs. kkk couldn’t find in widescreen format. (Her goal in Target was to get a few DVDs, which is what she did while I was on my “chopper” hunt.)

Total bill for Target: $142. Total savings: $193.

But there’s more…