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HTQ Reviews The Suck

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 1

 

The Undertaker and Kane v Kronik – Unforgiven 2001

 

Oh dear lord, did this much suck the big one, and then some. Here we have a match where three of the four involved are infamous for their reluctance to sell, with the fourth participant, Kane, getting caught up in the Vortex Of Suck™ that is Undertaker, Brian Adams and Bryan Clarke. There is absolutely nothing resembling psychology in this match, with the closest thing to it being how one team will punch and kick a lot, then the other team will punch and kick a lot, before the other team resume punching and kicking, and the whole thing starts again. All through the match, it becomes glaringly obvious that nobody wants to sell anything for the other team, with the closest thing to selling being each guy nodding their head in a rather vigorous manner when getting punched. What non-punch/kick moves that did happen were executed with such sloppiness and hesitation that you’re left thinking that either this match was called on the fly, and so nobody was prepared for what the other guy was going to do, or that if it was laid out beforehand, everyone developed a case of amnesia and forgot everything that had been agreed to. There were a number of blown spots, leading credence to the theory that the match was laid out beforehand but that those involved just forgot what had been planned, some of which were blown with such mind numbing incompetence that, not only were you left with no clue what was meant to happen, but that those involved were so bamboozled that they had no idea on how to salvage things. Case in point being Adams hitting the ropes and Undertaker swinging for what I guess was meant to be a clothesline or something, but he barely grazes Adams, who then turns around to face Undertaker before they stare at each other for what seems like an eternity before Undertaker decides to just punch Adams, and get on with things.

 

The biggest example of someone being totally unwilling to sell came in the big babyface comeback, if you can even call it that, being that the babyfaces sold almost nothing, when Undertaker was punching away at Kronik. While Bryan Clarke took a flatback from each blow, the best we got from Bryan Adams was on instance of him going down to one knee for a bout two seconds. Apart from that, he wasn’t selling a thing during the big comeback, which takes away whatever fire this suckfest of a match was able to generate in the first place. Eventually, Adams deigns to sell a punch by dropping to the mat and rolling out to the floor, on his feet, naturally, leaving Clarke to get chokeslammed by The Undertaker, which mercifully ends this absolute travesty of a match.

 

Afterwards, Steven Richards, who was managing Kronik, but played no part during the match, goes to hit Undertaker with a chair, but gets caught, and winds up getting chokeslammed by Kane, and takes the best bump of this whole sorry mess, and sells that one move better than anything ‘sold’ during the match itself.

 

This match was without a doubt one of the very worst matches of all time. It was horrible beyond belief, and after watching it you can understand why Kronik were summarily given the boot the next day. I don’t know if the star rating scale goes as low as is needed to rate this disaster, but if it does, the rating this abomination would get undoubtedly be minus infinite stars.

 

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I commend you on taking the risk of losing your mental sanity by going back through something like this.

 

I can't really add anything because you hammered the nail on the head here.

 

No one was even expecting something out of this but at the least, with 4 ring vets in that ring it was sad to see them all inherantly clueless in the ring. I've seen backyard dweebs have a better handle of what psychology and storytelling is.

 

What really gets me is that Undertaker was friends with Clarke and Adams and didn't make any sort of effort to help them out here.

 

Adams and Clarke were victim to Undertaker's crippling case of "not feeling it" itis that night. However it did us all a favor and saved us from more of Kronik's tag team brilliance.

 

-

 

I'm curious to see what's on the horizon for this new aspect of your blog espcially considering the wide variety of selections you have to choose from. I'd love to see you dredge up some really forgotten stinkers as opposed to the usual crap we've all down through and mocked before (i.e Steiner/HHH or Kennel in a Cell)...

 

 

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I'd love to see you dredge up some really forgotten stinkers as opposed to the usual crap we've all down through and mocked before (i.e Steiner/HHH or Kennel in a Cell)...

I reviewed both Steiner v Hunter matches. I watched them back-to-back to do so. I've got a dozen or so reviews at hand to post. Some of the matches will have been done before, but some will not have.

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I'd love to see you dredge up some really forgotten stinkers as opposed to the usual crap we've all down through and mocked before (i.e Steiner/HHH or Kennel in a Cell)...

I reviewed both Steiner v Hunter matches. I watched them back-to-back to do so. I've got a dozen or so reviews at hand to post. Some of the matches will have been done before, but some will not have.

 

Did you get bored of being entertained or are you one of those people who have a underlying fetish for the iggymcfly's of wrestling matches?

 

Either way, Im certaintly anxious to see which other matches you suffered through.

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I'd love to see you dredge up some really forgotten stinkers as opposed to the usual crap we've all down through and mocked before (i.e Steiner/HHH or Kennel in a Cell)...

I reviewed both Steiner v Hunter matches. I watched them back-to-back to do so. I've got a dozen or so reviews at hand to post. Some of the matches will have been done before, but some will not have.

 

Did you get bored of being entertained or are you one of those people who have a underlying fetish for the iggymcfly's of wrestling matches?

 

Either way, Im certaintly anxious to see which other matches you suffered through.

I did it for TSM. I did it for the people. I took it upon myself to witness the most hideous horrors of professional wrestling so that decent folk out there don’t have to. I am all heart.

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I'd love to see you dredge up some really forgotten stinkers as opposed to the usual crap we've all down through and mocked before (i.e Steiner/HHH or Kennel in a Cell)...

I reviewed both Steiner v Hunter matches. I watched them back-to-back to do so. I've got a dozen or so reviews at hand to post. Some of the matches will have been done before, but some will not have.

 

Did you get bored of being entertained or are you one of those people who have a underlying fetish for the iggymcfly's of wrestling matches?

 

Either way, Im certaintly anxious to see which other matches you suffered through.

I did it for TSM. I did it for the people. I took it upon myself to witness the most hideous horrors of professional wrestling so that decent folk out there don’t have to. I am all heart.

 

Or maybe you also knew it would attract more people, rather then another "Look at how good this match was" review.

 

People love reading negative movie reviews and I think the same applies in wrestling.

 

You did it for the HTQ hit count.

 

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I'd love to see you dredge up some really forgotten stinkers as opposed to the usual crap we've all down through and mocked before (i.e Steiner/HHH or Kennel in a Cell)...

I reviewed both Steiner v Hunter matches. I watched them back-to-back to do so. I've got a dozen or so reviews at hand to post. Some of the matches will have been done before, but some will not have.

 

Did you get bored of being entertained or are you one of those people who have a underlying fetish for the iggymcfly's of wrestling matches?

 

Either way, Im certaintly anxious to see which other matches you suffered through.

I did it for TSM. I did it for the people. I took it upon myself to witness the most hideous horrors of professional wrestling so that decent folk out there don’t have to. I am all heart.

 

Or maybe you also knew it would attract more people, rather then another "Look at how good this match was" review.

 

People love reading negative movie reviews and I think the same applies in wrestling.

 

You did it for the HTQ hit count.

I am shocked, nay appalled, at such an accusation. This slanderous accusation is completely without merit or foundation. I would never, and HTQ means never, do something solely to boost the hit count of my blog.

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 2

 

Triple H v Kevin Nash – Judgement Day 2003

 

The match is prefaced by a video highlighting their walk and brawl from Raw the week or two before, and, smartly, they show it without crowd audio, because when it happened, nobody in the arena gave a damn about it, and I believe it also saw a ratings drop for that quarter hour as well. Naturally, the fans got the blame for the segment being a total disaster, because we all know that Hunter and Nash are wrestling gods.

 

First off, I should point out that each person in this match, Nash, Shawn, Flair and Hunter all got their own entrance. Nash is out first, and then Shawn Michaels follows, and Shawn gets a million times the reaction that Nash did. Ric Flair is out next, and after him, his Triple H.

 

Nash attacks Triple H in the aisle way, which sees Flair attack Nash, who is then saved by Shawn. You can see the overbooking is beginning early. Shawn and Flair brawl to the back, and don’t play any further part in the match itself, which makes no real sense, because Triple H and Nash can’t have anything close to a passable contest without as much camouflage as possible, and this match will prove that. Not only that, but JD is being held in North Carolina, which is Flair country, and without Flair, they’re not going to react to a damn thing in this match. And they don’t.

 

The match itself is mainly a one-man show by Triple H, who flatbacks almost non-stop, while Nash does almost nothing except stand there with his foot held out so Triple H can run into it. Nash does no running at all during this match, because to do so might literally see him fall apart at the seams. A DQ is teased midway through the match, with the referee ‘stopping himself’ from actually disqualifying Triple H, which telegraphs the finish, not only because it’s obvious they’re going to have a rematch the next month, but because they did the exact same thing in Triple H’s first match with Scott Steiner just four months previously. Where Triple H v Nash differs from Triple H v Steiner, is that at least the Steiner match saw the crowd react, even if it was to boo the babyface Steiner out of the building. In this match, there is almost no heat whatsoever, which makes it patently obvious that nobody cares about this match in the slightest, and also makes the decision to not have Flair at ringside even more baffling, because at least then there would have been some reaction that could have been claimed to be interest in the match.

 

In the end, Triple H pulls out a sledgehammer from under the ring and winds up slugging the referee with it. This is beyond stupid, because the referee is still moving, albeit groggily, from the blow, when all logic tells you that the referee should be out cold. Not only, but the bell rings here, presumable for a DQ, yet the referee never motioned for the bell, because he was too busy clutching his chest.

 

Another slow motion brawl occurs, this time moving towards the announce position, which is near the entranceway, and Ric Flair makes his return to attack Nash, only to be sent reeling with one lame punch from Big Lazy. The whole mess, and it is a mess, ends, at last, with Nash powerbombing Triple H through the announce table, all the while with Jim Ross screaming at the top of his lungs about how Nash is going to break Triple H’s back.

 

This ‘match’ only went just over 7 minutes, but it was still a mind numbingly dull and beyond pointless 7 minutes. 99% of the match saw Hunter bumping around like a pinball in a vain attempt to get a good match out of Nash, with the other 1% consisted of Hunter hitting a low blow on Nash right before the decision, which was about the only offensive move he pulled off during the whole sorry affair.

 

While not as bad as the previously reviewed Undertaker/Kane v Kronik tag match, this was still incredibly boring, dull as dishwater, and without any redeeming features at all.

 

If you want a rating, you’d best page Sucky McSuckerson.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 3

 

Steve Austin v The Undertaker from Backlash 2002

 

This one starts off strangely, at least for these two, with an attempt at actual wrestling. Not sure why they do this, especially when the ‘wrestling’ consists of Undertaker constantly applying a side headlock, and Austin using a hip toss, an armdrag, and then going to a Fujiwara armbar. It doesn’t lead to anything at all, so I can only surmise they did this just to show that they could. It was a nice idea in theory, but it would have been better had it actually built to something. As it is, all it really did was kill time, and these two had plenty to kill seeing as this thing went 27 minutes. Other than some ‘wrestling’, the match consisted of some pretty basic brawling around ringside, which was executed at very slow place, obviously to kill time, and it didn’t have a lot fire behind it, which is surprising considering that this match was build as being for the number one contendership to the Undisputed Championship. Around the half way mark, Scott Hall and X-Pac wander to ringside to watch the match. This leads to, well, nothing at all. They don’t attack anyone, they don’t shout at anyone; they don’t even have a go at Ric Flair, who is the guest referee for the match. Quite what the point was of having them there isn’t obvious, so I can only surmise that it was done to kill time during the match and fill up some of the 27 minutes.

 

Nothing really exciting or interesting happens until the final few minutes, when Austin accidentally whips Undertaker into Flair, who for some reason sells the bump like a normal referee, and drops like a stone. This isn’t really logical at all, because Flair is a wrestler, and should be hardier than a normal referee, but instead acts like he got hit with a sledgehammer. Austin hits a Stunner, but Flair is too groggy and only gets a close two count. Somewhere in here, Flair gets bumped again, and again he sells it like a normal referee, and a chair comes into play. Eventually, Austin has hold of it and charges into the corner where Undertaker is, only for Undertaker to kick the chair into Austin’s face, resulting in Austin falling to the mat. Undertaker makes the cover, and Flair, after looking to make sure Austin’s foot was on the ropes, which was a miscue on his part, counts the fall, as Undertaker pulls Austin’s foot off the ropes before Flair can officially see it.

 

Flair walks off at this point, not happy at having counted the pin on Austin, leaving Austin and Undertaker in the ring. Undertaker mock Austin for losing, by making belt motions around his waist, and Austin responds by giving Undertaker a Stunner, so Austin can pose and have his music play.

 

This match was ungodly dull and boring. Absolutely nothing of note or interest happened until the finishing sequence started to get set up. The only interesting thing to really happen during the match was Flair making the mistake of quite clearly seeing Austin’s foot on the ropes before making the three count, as the storyline was meant to be that he didn’t see the foot on the ropes, and had to have it pointed out to him in the back by Coach. Apart from that one instance, there is nothing in this match that is memorable or interesting in any way, and you’re left wondering two things:

 

Why was this match given so much time when it would have best been served cut in half ?

Why both men tried to wrestle, when it’s neither their forte, nor what makes for a good match between them ?

 

For the first question, I can only assume they got given so much time due to their seniority, even though it made for a pretty bad match. As for the second question, I would put that down to both men wanting to prove a point, that being that they can wrestle, which is pure ego, because the crowd didn’t want to see them wrestle, and didn’t care if they could; they wanted to see a brawl. Sadly, they didn’t get what they wanted, and instead of what probably would have been an intense 15 minute slugfest, we got 27 minutes of sloppy wrestling, bad brawling, and a botched finish that was so screwed up, I don’t think Ross or Lawler even attempted to rescue it, as they simply acted as if Flair hadn’t seen the foot on the ropes, even though it was obvious he did.

 

If you want a star rating, I’d go with *, but that's being generous

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of Suck – Part 4

 

Scott Hall v Roddy Piper – Superbrawl IX

 

This match was for the US Heavyweight Title, and was originally set to have Bret Hart defend against Hall, but shortly before Superbrawl he dropped the belt to Piper, thanks to the interference of Will Sasso from MAD TV. Hart and Sasso had a ‘feud’ going due to Bret ‘shooting’ while on MAD TV, and berating everyone there. It was as stupid as it sounds, and it should also be mentioned that the primary booker at this point was Kevin Nash, who was determined to bury Hart, hence the beyond stupid feud with Sasso and Hart dropping the belt to Piper for no real reason, when the match with Hall had been fairly built up.

 

Hall, despite being a heel, was over as a babyface, due to the Wolfpac being presented as cool heels, and every other regular babyface being portrayed as terribly uncool, making it impossible for anyone to get behind them. Hall was ushered into the arena by Disco Inferno, who was doing a Wolfpac pledge gimmick, like Louie Spicolli was doing before his untimely death. This was actually Hall’s second match of the night, having teamed with Kevin Nash earlier in the night, taking the place of an injured Lex Luger, to beat Rey Mysterio Jr and Konnan, in a match that saw Rey lose his mask. Piper comes out to a mixed reaction, with the boos pretty noticeable, due to the aforementioned habit of booking the babyfaces in WCW in a manner that ensured them being seen as incompetent or uncool, thus ensuring they barely got over.

 

Once the match actually started, whatever heat was there for the entrances vanished, and the crowd was quiet for most of this slipshod affair. The action began with Piper throwing his kilt over Hall’s face, and attacking him with his usual offence of lame looking punches, the ear-clap thing (which Piper managed to botch) and an eye poke or two. Disco hopped up on to the ring apron, and Piper saw him off by ruffling his hair (seriously), and got back to attacking Hall before Hall grabbed Piper by the trunks and pulled him to the floor. Well, he was meant to do that, but Piper hit the ropes chest first instead, so Piper had to just roll to the floor instead.

 

Disco’s attempt to interfere was foiled with an eye poke, but it allowed Hall to sneak up and attack Piper from behind, before he threw Piper back into the ring.

 

After some leisurely executed offence from Hall, both men hit each other with low blows right in front of the referee, but he does nothing about it, even though the match isn’t under any special rules. There was some crowd reaction when Hall tied Piper up in a corner in the tree of woe, and Disco was able to interfere while Hall distracted the referee, but that didn’t last, and even when Hall put Piper in an abdominal stretch, with Disco helping Hall from the outside, there wasn’t much of a reaction from the crowd, who sat there in apathetic silence.

 

Piper did fight back, to a round of apathy, and applied a sleeper Hall, which saw Disco hit the ring. Now, as I said before, this was a regular match, but for some reason the referee never called for the disqualification, despite Disco interfering right in front of him. If you listen very carefully, you can actually hear the credibility of this company slowly seep out of it like blood from a gut wound.

 

At this point, Kevin Nash slowly clambers onto the ring apron, being careful not to tear anything because of how fragile he is, and he tries to interfere, again right in front of the referee, who again does nothing about it. Piper kicks at the ropes as Nash is straddling them, but that has no effect, because Nash has nothing between his legs that can get hurt. Nash drops to the floor, and while the referee is presumably distracted, Hall sweeps Piper up by the legs, cradles him, puts his feet high on the second rope, which the referee would have to be blind not to see, and gets the three count to win the US Title.

 

After the three count, Piper grabs the US Title belt, and a struggle ensues, which winds up with Hall and Nash cornering Piper in the ring. So, what does Piper do ? Like any good babyface, he runs away, naturally.

 

Thoughts: This match was the living embodiment of the phrase “going through the motions”, because neither Hall nor Piper put any effort into this dire affair. If it was a house how, you could at least understand why they might be taking things easy, but on a PPV, you expect a little effort to be put in by those wrestling. Well, not in this match, because nobody was working hard here.

 

Throughout the match, Tony Schiavone talked about the Wolfpac having the numbers advantage all night, and how that overwhelmed Piper. Well, where the fuck were the other babyfaces ? Where the hell were the rest of the babyfaces as the Wolfpac steamrolled over everyone with the numbers advantage ? If a babyface is so uncared about that nobody comes to his aid when he’s being outnumbered and double-teamed into the ground, why should the fans care about them ? This happened almost non-stop once the N WO angle began, most notably at Fall Brawl in 1996, where the heels would gang up on the outnumbered babyfaces, but despite there being a locker room filled with people who would want to get there hands on the N WO, nobody came out to help. The other major flaw of this match was how there was so much interference right in front of the referee and he did nothing about it. Was it that hard to have someone distract the referee so he at least couldn’t see the heels cheating ? Was it really necessary to make the referee’s look just as incompetent as the babyfaces and the announcers ? Well ? Was it ?

 

This was a total shambles, in both execution and booking, and was just a terrible indictment of how badly WCW was being run at the time.

 

Ranking: General Suck

 

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Now, I didn't watch WCW at all in 1999, but a few years ago I rented Uncensored 99, and watched the TV title match in amazement as Buff Bagwell was allowed to cheat at will right in front of the referee, which included the finish when Buff hit Scott Steiner by mistake allowing Booker T to get the pin and the title. At no time during the match is it announced that it is a no-DQ match. And now this Piper/Hall match, which I have never seen (thank God).

 

Was there some 'relaxed disqualification rules' going on at the time in WCW or, as it seems to be the most likely explanation, they just didn't know what the hell was going on?

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Was there some 'relaxed disqualification rules' going on at the time in WCW or, as it seems to be the most likely explanation, they just didn't know what the hell was going on?

WCW almost never bothered to explain things or answer questions that their matches and angles would bring up. They just did whatever they wanted, didn't think it was important to explain things, and expected their audience to just sit back and accept it. Makes you wonder how they could have possibly gone out of business(!)

 

And even though Steiner wasn't being beaten clean and it was a total screwjob, he was still upset over losing.

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 5

 

The Undertaker v Hulk Hogan – Judgment Day 2002

 

The first major happening actually takes place when Undertaker comes out, because, thanks to new music, he gets very little response, which makes you wonder how much of Undertaker’s reaction is down to people popping for his elaborate entrance, rather than actually popping for The Undertaker himself.

 

Hogan comes out, and slides into the ring allowing Undertaker to attack him with a bunch of stomps, which doesn’t exactly make Hogan, who is the babyface, look smart for basically opening himself up to get attacked. On a side note, I hate this spot, because it makes whoever falls for it look stupid, especially when it’s happened over and over again since almost the dawn of wrestling time. Are we meant to believe that nobody was smartened up to the fact that rolling into the ring under the ropes while your opponent is standing there leaves you open to attack ?

 

Anyway, back to the match, and Hogan is on offense for the first few minutes, which means poor brawling, punctuated with his typically weak punches. Another side note: Why has Hogan never learned to throw a punch that at least looks like it could break an egg ? Even in his prime, Hogan’s punches, which made up the bulk of his arsenal, looked pretty lame. What made Hogan completely unable to throw a decent looking punch ? The highlight of this part of the match takes place on the floor, as when Hogan reverses an Irish whip, and Undertaker takes his knees first bump into the stairs, some fan at ringside, who sounds hammered, yells out at the top of his voice, “Holy Shit, did you see that ? Go get ‘em brother.”

 

Somewhere in here, Undertaker briefly takes charge, and goes for his rope walk, but Hogan crotches him on the top rope, and then, after a brief discussion with Undertaker, hits a superplex. This pops the crowd, though Undertaker couldn’t have liked the landing, because he took most of the bump on his upper back, rather than it being evenly distributed over the whole of his back, so I’m guessing that might have been what their conversation was about.

 

The next big spot of the match happened, or was mean to happen, when Undertaker ducked a clothesline, and grabbed Hogan by the throat for a chokeslam. The only problem was that Hogan didn’t appear to want to take the move, and we had yet another discussion between the two, apparently over what to do. Undertaker wound up chokeslamming Hogan, but it was probably the worst chokeslam on record, and the crowd groaned.

 

Hogan hulked up, and hit his big boot and legdrop finisher, but Undertaker kicked out, which naturally bamboozled Hogan, who responded by grabbing his head like he had a migraine, and bulging his eyes out like someone had shoved something up his ass. After getting a two count from his leaping DDT, Undertaker got a chair from ringside, which the referee tried to stop him from using, allowing Hogan to kick it into his face and hit a legdrop. At this point, Vince hit the ringside area, distracting the referee (notice a pattern in Hogan matches?), to which Hogan responded by pulling Vince into the ring, decking him with a right hand, and legdropping him. As the referee rolled Vince out of the ring, and Hogan stood over them, Hogan tensed up like he was trying really hard to execute a bowel movement, but it turns out he was just waiting for a chair shot from Undertaker, and after Undertaker finally hit the chair shot, he then hit a chokeslam and got the pinfall to win the Undisputed Championship.

 

After the match, Undertaker got the chair back in the ring, and held it, edge first, against Hogan’s throat, before ramming the chair into the mat, which resulted in Hogan rolling around like he was having a fit, and grabbing at his throat like he’d just eaten a five-alarm chili.

 

The highlight of this dire affair, apart from the aforementioned drunk at ringside, was that Hogan was getting noticeable boos throughout the contest, showing that the nostalgia factor, which Jim Ross alluded to on commentary, had already begun to fade away.

 

Rating: A DUD for the ages.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 6

 

The Undertaker v Triple H – King Of The Ring 2002

 

Yes, this long awaited rematch from Wrestlemania X7 finally makes it to PPV in the US. They had wrestled in a singles match on a UK PPV in April, but because almost nothing on UK PPV’s is ever acknowledged, as far as the US audience was concerned this was their first PPV singles match in 14 months. Maybe it was too long a wait, or maybe nobody really cared about watching these two wrestle in the main event, because this match had almost no heat at all until The Rock showed up near the end. It also might have been down to the fact this match was slow, laborious, and had all the intensity of something totally devoid of intensity, and so the crowd couldn’t get into it.

 

Regardless of why the match had zero heat, the fact that it did made this even more painful to watch. Not that they did anything wrong as such, because there was only one overly blown spot in the match, but there was nothing behind it. While most people criticize US Indy matches today as being a case of your move-my move, this was a case of your attempt at slow brawling-my attempt at slow brawling. Almost every move outside of each man’s signature spots was a punch or kick of some kind, and it was delivered at a very leisurely pace, and you’d be forgiven for not realizing that they were fighting over this apparently major title, because the work and effort sure didn’t show it.

 

There was nothing notable at all during the main body of this match, because each man seemed content to do a lot of punches and kicks, with the monotony only punctuated with the aforementioned signature spots, which still couldn’t get a peep out of the crowd. Paul Heyman, who was managing Brock Lesnar at the time, was doing color commentary here, and it’s a shame he couldn’t be involved, because then the crowd might have been something to care about for the majority of the match.

 

In fact, the first thing to get any real reaction from the crowd was Earl Hebner getting bumped, which was done in such an obvious fashion, that you could see it being set up long before it happened. How it was done was Triple H went for his pedigree facing the corner, Undertaker upended him, had him set for a catapult into the ropes, and Earl found himself in the way of the move. The funny thing was as Undertaker was setting Triple H up, Earl was out of position to get hit, and he quite blatantly moved into position to get hit by the flying mass of muscle and chemicals that was Triple H. Shockingly, this didn’t knock Hebner down, and it was left to an errant punch from The Undertaker to do that.

 

At this point, something happened that longtime NWA fans will be familiar with, and that was the entire arena stood up and turned their heads to the back to await the run-in. This is never a good sign, because anything that takes the attention away from the ring is wrong. Luckily, someone actually did do a run-in, as The Rock showed up, having been taunted by Paul Heyman as he did commentary. Heyman ran off through the crowd, and Rock sat himself down with Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

 

The match spills to the floor, and Undertaker kicks Triple H down with a boot to the head before attacking The Rock, allowing Triple H to get his blade out of his elbow pad, which we got a nice close up of for some reason. Undertaker grabs Rock’s chair, and goes for Triple H with it, but Rock pulls it out of his hands, swings at Undertaker, who ducks, letting Rock, the babyface, look like a fool, as he hits Triple H in the face, and we have the prerequisite blade job from Triple H. Undertaker then rams Rock into the ringpost, before the match gets back to the ring, though the referee is still out of it.

 

By now, the crowd is actually somewhat into this match, which is all down to The Rock being out there. Undertaker hits a Last Ride on Triple H, Nick Patrick runs in to count the fall, but Triple H raises a shoulder at two, which sees Undertaker decided to deck the referee. Then, The Rock hits the ring, and nails Undertaker with the Rock Bottom before walking away, and Earl Hebner finally recovers to make a slow count, but Undertaker raises his shoulder at two. With Hebner back down again, Triple H hits a pedigree, but the referee is somehow unable to make a count, and those paying attention will notice that this means that Rock and Undertaker had someone kick out of their big moves, but Triple H didn’t. Strange how that worked out, isn’t it.

 

Anyway, Hunter goes to attend to the referee, letting Undertaker hit a lowblow, and roll Triple H to finally put an end to this affair and get the three count. Undertaker at this point taunts The Rock, who is still in the entranceway, which results in Rock hitting the ring, brawling with Undertaker, before hitting a spinebuster/People’s Elbow combo, before walking into a pedigree from Triple H, who then walked into a chokeslam from The Undertaker. It should be noted that after each man had hit his big move his music played, so everyone got to have their music played, but the Undisputed Champion was still the last man left standing.

 

One can surmise that this was to set up a three-way match between the three men, but with Triple H having to undergo surgery on his right elbow for bone chips, we saw Kurt Angle injected into the mix.

 

We all know the story by now on why matches between top guys that should be kept short are given way more time than common sense and logic dictates, so suffice it to say that between neither Triple H or Undertaker having the repertoire, or, it seems, the ability to keep the crowd engaged, giving this match 22 minutes was madness. On a side note, I should also point out that when this PPV got what for the time was a disappointing buy rate, it led to the demise of the KOTR tournament, because it was felt it was the fault of the tournament, because, after all, it couldn’t possibly be because nobody wanted to see Undertaker and Triple H in the main event, could it ?

 

Rating: In the Army Of Suck, this here be a Colonel.

 

 

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 7

 

Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage v Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Kevin Sullivan, Meng, The Barbarian, Lex Luger, Ze Gangsta and The Ultimate Solution – Doomsday Cage Match, Uncensored 1996

 

Yes, the time has come to review the legendary three-tier cage match that everyone who has seen it can never forget, though all have tried. The rules for this thing were never clear, because it seemed that they changed from minute to minute, ever since the concept of this disaster spouted forth from the booking genius that was Hulk Hogan.

 

A little backstory is in order, because it fills space, and means I don’t have to write so much about this match. In the months leading up to Uncensored, Hogan had lost to Flair via Screwjob pinfall, and lost to Arn Anderson on consecutive Nitro’s, via Screwjob pinfall and disqualification respectively. Now, as I’m sure we remember, this decimated Hogan’s heat, so, naturally, Hogan had to get it back. How was he to do this ? By beating Ric Flair, Arn Anderson and two others, one of whom might have been Lex Luger, in a four-on-one cage match. Randy Savage was originally going to face Chris Benoit, but when Benoit had to wrestle in Japan, this left Savage without a match. So, what did Savage do ? Why, he called Hogan, of course, and asked to get put in the main event. Hogan couldn’t turn down a request from his good buddy, and, being that Hogan had full control over everything he did, Savage was added to the main event. But how was this to effect the heel side of the match ? Simple; four more heels were added, thus making it a two-on-eight cage match. There was talk that Brian Pillman would be added as a ninth man, but despite his name being hype up through the pre-game show, and even all through the PPV right until the end of the actual PPV, Pillman didn’t appear. Another fun fact saw The Ultimate Solution originally being called The Final Solution, which saw the complaints flood in to WCW, due to that being the name of the Nazi’s master plan to eliminate the Jew’s. Why was such a name even used in the first place ? I don’t know, but I’m sure it had nothing to do with Johnny B Badd, a Jew, getting into an argument with Eric Bischoff over a new contract and quitting the promotion, with Eric refusing to even shake Badd’s hand before Badd left. Did I mention that Final/Ultimate Solution was unveiled the very week after Badd quit ? Funny how that happened, isn’t it ?

 

The cage itself had three levels, with hatches allowing access from one level to the other, as well as a partition with a door in the second level, making for a wall of sorts. It was above a wrestling ring that was by the entranceway, while the regular ring was in its usual place. The rules, as I mentioned earlier, were never really made clear, but it seemed to involve Hogan and Savage having to go from the top to the bottom, or maybe beating all the heels, or maybe just escaping, or maybe just putting us all out of our misery and taking a swan dive off the top and into the second row. The match began with various heels in all three levels of the cage, with Flair and Ze Gangsta at the top level. Hogan and Savage came out second and climbed scaffolding outside the cage to get to the top level, and the match began with Hogan against Gangsta and Savage against Flair. At various points, we got split-screen action, because lord knows we couldn’t miss any of this classic confrontation. While Hogan and Savage battled Flair and Gangsta in the top level, the other heels pretty much stood around with their thumbs up their asses, and just looked on as the action unfolded.

 

After some comically bad brawling, which saw nobody take any bumps, and Ze Gangsta actually apply a figure four on Hogan, powder got used on one of the heels somehow (remember this for later), and Hogan and Savage climbed down to the second level, where Luger, Meng, Sullivan, Anderson and Barbarian awaited.

 

Amidst more horrible brawling, where, once again, nobody bumped, Hogan and Sullivan made it out of the cage, to the scaffolding that surrounded the cage. Given that no bell rang, I guess that means that escaping the cage was not a way to win. The first mildly exciting thing to happen in the match occurred here, as Hogan teased kicking Sullivan off of the scaffolding, with Sullivan halfway over the edge of said scaffolding. That didn’t last long, as a Sullivan lowblow, which Hogan sold by stumbling around like he was in desperate need to take a dump, allowed Sullivan to pull himself back onto the scaffolding. While this was going on, Savage had somehow closed the door in the partition on the second level, leaving him with just Luger to deal with. Quite how the door was closed, and why nobody could un-open it, is a mystery right now, but I’m sure there are people out there right now trying to work that one out.

 

Sullivan and Hogan made it to the arena floor, while the heels in the second cage that were trapped behind the partition, blocked Savage from coming through, presumably because the hatch the ring was on that side. Luger was nowhere to be seen, having just walked out of the cage moments before, and quite why Savage didn’t just do the same thing I don’t know.

 

Luger made it to the floor area, and helped Sullivan attack Hogan, but that didn’t last long because Savage had finally decided to just leave the cage. Hogan and Sullivan ‘brawled’ to the regular ring, and Luger and Savage ‘brawled’ by the cage/scaffolding. While this action was going on, the other heels presumably felt so cozy and comfy in the cage that they didn’t want to leave and help their friends.

 

After all four men brawled, if it can even be called that, for what felt like an hour, Ze Gangsta and The Ultimate Solution showed up; Meng and Barbarian apparently having gone home for the night. Gangsta and Solution dragged Savage and Hogan back to the cage, and all four men wound up in the other ring, where upon a Hogan chant mysteriously broke out from nowhere, as fall four men squared off. In all this mess and it was a mess, Arn Anderson and Ric Flair eventually showed up, and it was now four-on-two.

 

The non-wrestling highlight…let me rephrase that. The highlight that had nothing to do with the semi-physical action going on was a close-up of Randy Savage blading, and it wasn’t long after this that the Booty Man showed up and gave a bunch of frying pans to Hogan and Savage, and, after using the powder from earlier, which had fallen to the ground earlier in the match from way up to the cage, to blind the heels, they went to town on them with the frying pans. At this point, Lex Luger showed up, from wherever he had hidden, and attacked Hogan and Savage from behind, before pulling out a loaded glove from his tights. Flair held Savage’s arms behind him, told Luger to hit him, Luger nodded, and went to deck Savage, who ducked, allowing Luger to…stop. Luger paused, and then hit Flair anyway, for reasons I don’t think were explained, and Flair was KO’d. Hogan motioned for Savage to leave the cage with him, which Savage went to do, before stopping to pin Flair for the apparent win, and leave the cage with Hogan.

 

Rating: In my review of Undertaker/Kane v Kronik from Unforgiven, you will have read me talk about a Vortex Of Suck™. Well, there is a much greater force out there. Somewhere out in the vast cosmos of the universe is a unique black hole. It is unique because, unlike any other black hole, it does not contain matter, anti-matter, energy, or any other space-related substance. This black hole, you see, is a Black Hole Of Suck™, in which resides the very worst that Suck has to offer. Ladies and gentleman, this match is one such instance of the very worst that Suck has to offer, and make no mistake about it; this match is at the very heart of the Black Hole Of Suck™.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 8

 

Sting, The Steiner Brothers and El Gigante v Cactus Jack, Abdullah The Butcher, Big Van Vader and The Diamond Stud – Chamber Of Horrors, Halloween Havoc 1991

 

This masterstroke (watching it gave me a stroke) was the brainfart of noted wrestling great Jim Herd. Fresh from coming up with such classic characters as The Ding Dongs, The Dynamic Dudes, and The Hunchback (which thankfully never made it to air), Jim Herd devised this legendary gimmick match. Set inside a Thunderdome cage (a Hell In A Cell cage minus a roof), this would see a large leaver placed high in one corner of the cage, and an electric Chair Of Torture (ACME brand) hanging above the ring, which, after an undetermined length of time, would be lowered to the ring, and the first team to put an opponent in the chair and pull the switch would electrocute their opponent, and win the match. And you thought murder in wrestling was a Vince Russo creation. Well, the murder of wrestling was, but that’s another story.

 

The match begins with everyone making their entrance, Sting being the last one, and he begins brawling with Cactus Jack, who brought a chainsaw to the ring. Rick Steiner makes the save, and soon they’re in the cage, and the match begins.

 

The highlights of this absolute farce are few, and they have nothing to do with the action going on. First off, the switch that is meant to send ’50,000 volts’ through the chair, keeps falling down, and a referee at ringside keeps having to climb up the side of the cage and put the leaver back up. The second was the introduction of something called the ‘Refer-Eye’, which was a small mobile camera attached to helmet-like piece of apparatus that the referee, Nick Patrick, wore on his head. Every so often during this affair, we’d get shots of the action as seen from the Refer-Eye, and the picture would shake like someone having a fit. Nick Patrick must have been being punished for something, because with the helmet on, he looked like a mental patient straight out of a 70’s film who was getting electric shock treatment. Come to think of it, that sounds better than watching this nonsense.

 

The Chair Of Torture comes down after only a few minutes, and the rest of the match sees non-stop monotonous brawling with no rhyme or reason, as each time ‘fights’ to put someone in the Chair Of Torture, all the while with the fatal leaver dropping down every five seconds.

 

Cactus Jack, ever the trooper, bleeds and bumps as best he can within the confines of such a horrible gimmick in an attempt to make the match, but he’s only one man, and it’ll take something special to save this pile of horse manure. Alas, that something special doesn’t happen, and we’re forced to watch as about a dozen jobbers dressed in orderly outfits and covered in so much white powder you’d think that Jake Roberts had just sneezed, come to ringside carrying a stretcher, which Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone tell us is for the unfortunate soul who gets juiced. Guys, the stretcher is too small for the whole locker room.

 

In the midst of this meandering chaos with no purpose, and with a hooded jobber popping out of one of the caskets in the cage only to get beaten up by Rick Steiner thus making it mean nothing, Abdullah and Rick Steiner fight by the chair as Cactus climbs the cage to reach the leaver. Cactus gets to the switch, but in the meantime Rick belly-to-belly ‘suplexes’ (If you can even call it a suplex) Abdullah into the chair, straps him in and puts the metal headpiece on him, as an unsuspecting Cactus pulls the leaver sending 50,000 volts into Abdullah. Someone send 50,000 volts into me, and end this mess.

 

The lights flicker while sparks and crackles echo throughout the arena as Abdullah, much like my brain after watching this, gets fried. Everyone except Cactus walks off, and the cage is raised up as Cactus checks on his sometimes tag team partner, who is bleeding a fair bit. Cactus pokes at a seemingly unconscious Abdullah, before Abby opens his eyes, decks Cactus, and storms out of the ring, kicking away at the jobbers, with Cactus in hot pursuit, who himself begins beating up the jobbers in white coats.

 

Rating: What can you say about an abomination of such monolithic proportions that it almost makes Vince Russo’s mental excreta look like good television ? Just that it was the single worst pre-Russo insult to the intelligence of the viewing public, and that the intellectual muppet who came up with this concept should be forced to watch it on a perpetual loop until they puke up their toenails.

 

The wrestling was only Lieutenant Suck, but the concept was Three Star Admiral Suck, with an honorable discharge.

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I actually like bad wrestling matches but they hve to be watched with company otherwise I can't get through them.

 

Randy Savage was originally going to face Chris Benoit, but when Benoit had to wrestle in Japan, this left Savage without a match

 

The Benoit/Savage/Japan scenario. Since you seem to know lots of insider gossip I thought I'd ask this.

 

I heard before that Savage wanted to wrestle Benoit after being impressed with him when he came in during the fall of 95. Any truth to this?

 

The Benoit and Japan deal. How exactly did that work? I know Benoit had to go over there once a year minimum. The only reason why he didn't go in 98 was because of the elbow injury. Even than I think that was a last minute decision because I remember Bret being all excited to face Benoit in a rematch after their first encounter but couldn't go up against him at that time because he said he had commitments in Japan he couldn't get out of. Something like that.

 

So Benoit was actually "booked" to go up against Savage in a PPV match! but couldn't because of Japan. Whose call was it to book Benoit in Japan? Was it New Japan, WCW or a combination of both?

 

In interviews Benoit had while in WCW he didn't seem too upset about missing Japan. However in his DVD he does seem to be angered that his Japanese bookings eventually lessened and lessened. This seemed to indicate that he was misled or something of that nature and was supposed to have wrestled more often over there.

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I heard before that Savage wanted to wrestle Benoit after being impressed with him when he came in during the fall of 95. Any truth to this?

 

I've heards the same thing, but I don't know if it is true. If it was, I would imagine it was more Savage knowing that Benoit could make him look good than anything else.

 

The Benoit and Japan deal. How exactly did that work?

 

I think the deal was that New Japan would book Benoit, or any of the guys they wanted to use, a little in advance, and if the dates clashed then it would depend on who the guy was as to if New Japan or WCW would take precedence.

 

So Benoit was actually "booked" to go up against Savage in a PPV match! but couldn't because of Japan. Whose call was it to book Benoit in Japan? Was it New Japan, WCW or a combination of both?

 

New Japan booked Benoit, and because it was Benoit then the New Japan booking took precedence.

 

In interviews Benoit had while in WCW he didn't seem too upset about missing Japan. However in his DVD he does seem to be angered that his Japanese bookings eventually lessened and lessened. This seemed to indicate that he was misled or something of that nature and was supposed to have wrestled more often over there.

 

I think Benoit liked Japan better because there was no politics to worry about. He could just go out and wrestle the best match he could, and didn't have to worry about anyone stabbing him in the back or trying to keep him down.

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Here's a tough question for you. Kind of off topic but oh well I've always been a rebel.

 

 

What in the world was up with the WCW cruiserweight tourney in 96. It was primarily a WCW tourney but for whatever reason they let the finals occur in Japan. Theoretically the winner of the tourney in Japan faced off against the winner of the tourney in WCW to crown a new WCW cruiser champ. Now we all know everythng was screwed up so let's just talk about the end of the tournament and the aftermatch that followed it.

 

Ohtani vs Benoit in the finals. I'm going to some guessing here and say this match was mainly New Japan's decision. They wanted Ohtani in there and the biggest "former" New Japan star which of course was Benoit. WCW might not have wanted Benoit in the finals since they never really got their double elimination cruiser tourney coherently booked. It just seemed like Japan said "Hey, we want Benoit in there" and WCW just complied so as not to ruffle any feather over something that probably didn't bother them too much. Benoit was never really a factor in the cruiser division after that - thought that could've been due to them pushing him as a heavy.

 

Ohtani couldn't have been WCW's call to win the belt because they had him lose it on one of their "B" shows which hardly anyone would've seen. In under 5 minutes to boot. It looked like they were trying to get revenge on New Japan for putting the belt on Ohtani. After that Ohtani was gone. Malenko was now the champ though I'm not sure if they initially wanted him to win the belt initially because if memory serves correct Malenko got jobbed out twice in the WCW cruiser tourney. But than again that could be on the fly booking due to changing scenarios.

 

What a mess. Any thoughts on this?

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What in the world was up with the WCW cruiserweight tourney in 96. It was primarily a WCW tourney but for whatever reason they let the finals occur in Japan. Theoretically the winner of the tourney in Japan faced off against the winner of the tourney in WCW to crown a new WCW cruiser champ. Now we all know everythng was screwed up so let's just talk about the end of the tournament and the aftermatch that followed it.

 

The tourney in WCW was a complete work, as none of the matches counted for anything. The 'tourney' was still going on after Benoit vs. Ohtani had taken place, and when Bischoff would give results of matches in the tourny that had taken place in Japan he was making it up. The matches that they said were part of the tournament were more or less just random matches, and the whole tournament ultimately meant nothing.

 

Ohtani vs Benoit in the finals. I'm going to some guessing here and say this match was mainly New Japan's decision. They wanted Ohtani in there and the biggest "former" New Japan star which of course was Benoit. WCW might not have wanted Benoit in the finals since they never really got their double elimination cruiser tourney coherently booked. It just seemed like Japan said "Hey, we want Benoit in there" and WCW just complied so as not to ruffle any feather over something that probably didn't bother them too much. Benoit was never really a factor in the cruiser division after that - thought that could've been due to them pushing him as a heavy.

 

I don't think WCW really cared who was in the finals or anything about it, considering how it was treated for the first few months after it was created.

 

Ohtani couldn't have been WCW's call to win the belt because they had him lose it on one of their "B" shows which hardly anyone would've seen. In under 5 minutes to boot. It looked like they were trying to get revenge on New Japan for putting the belt on Ohtani. After that Ohtani was gone. Malenko was now the champ though I'm not sure if they initially wanted him to win the belt initially because if memory serves correct Malenko got jobbed out twice in the WCW cruiser tourney. But than again that could be on the fly booking due to changing scenarios.

 

See above. I don't think WCW cared who won the belt as long as it was someone that they could have a WCW guy beat in the US to win the belt.

 

What a mess. Any thoughts on this?

 

If the matches Bischoff had talked about as happening actually happened, it would have been a fantastic tournament.

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