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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 1

 

The Undertaker and Kane v Kronik – Unforgiven 2001

 

Oh dear lord, did this much suck the big one, and then some. Here we have a match where three of the four involved are infamous for their reluctance to sell, with the fourth participant, Kane, getting caught up in the Vortex Of Suck™ that is Undertaker, Brian Adams and Bryan Clarke. There is absolutely nothing resembling psychology in this match, with the closest thing to it being how one team will punch and kick a lot, then the other team will punch and kick a lot, before the other team resume punching and kicking, and the whole thing starts again. All through the match, it becomes glaringly obvious that nobody wants to sell anything for the other team, with the closest thing to selling being each guy nodding their head in a rather vigorous manner when getting punched. What non-punch/kick moves that did happen were executed with such sloppiness and hesitation that you’re left thinking that either this match was called on the fly, and so nobody was prepared for what the other guy was going to do, or that if it was laid out beforehand, everyone developed a case of amnesia and forgot everything that had been agreed to. There were a number of blown spots, leading credence to the theory that the match was laid out beforehand but that those involved just forgot what had been planned, some of which were blown with such mind numbing incompetence that, not only were you left with no clue what was meant to happen, but that those involved were so bamboozled that they had no idea on how to salvage things. Case in point being Adams hitting the ropes and Undertaker swinging for what I guess was meant to be a clothesline or something, but he barely grazes Adams, who then turns around to face Undertaker before they stare at each other for what seems like an eternity before Undertaker decides to just punch Adams, and get on with things.

 

The biggest example of someone being totally unwilling to sell came in the big babyface comeback, if you can even call it that, being that the babyfaces sold almost nothing, when Undertaker was punching away at Kronik. While Bryan Clarke took a flatback from each blow, the best we got from Bryan Adams was on instance of him going down to one knee for a bout two seconds. Apart from that, he wasn’t selling a thing during the big comeback, which takes away whatever fire this suckfest of a match was able to generate in the first place. Eventually, Adams deigns to sell a punch by dropping to the mat and rolling out to the floor, on his feet, naturally, leaving Clarke to get chokeslammed by The Undertaker, which mercifully ends this absolute travesty of a match.

 

Afterwards, Steven Richards, who was managing Kronik, but played no part during the match, goes to hit Undertaker with a chair, but gets caught, and winds up getting chokeslammed by Kane, and takes the best bump of this whole sorry mess, and sells that one move better than anything ‘sold’ during the match itself.

 

This match was without a doubt one of the very worst matches of all time. It was horrible beyond belief, and after watching it you can understand why Kronik were summarily given the boot the next day. I don’t know if the star rating scale goes as low as is needed to rate this disaster, but if it does, the rating this abomination would get undoubtedly be minus infinite stars.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 9

 

Triple H v Scott Steiner – Royal Rumble 2003

 

Going into this match, there was a lot of speculation as to how it would pan out. Steiner hadn’t wrestled a lot in WWE in the two months since his debut, with his ring action being confined to house shows. And the reports weren’t good, as despite the matches being kept short, Steiner was still blowing up after less than five minutes of action. Therefore, common sense would dictate that his match Triple H would be kept short, so as not to expose Steiner, especially when it’s his first televised match for the company and on PPV at that. Would common sense prevail ?

 

The first strange thing in this match comes during Triple H’s entrance, where the crowd reaction he’s getting sound very strange and robot-like and like something is wrong with the sound, though the commentary and other sounds are coming across fine. The funny thing is when Triple H goes to do his water spitting routine, the crowd noise magically gets restored to normal, and you hear some decent cheers. I’ve no idea why the crowd noise gets edited in such a manner, because it sounds perfectly fine before Triple H’s entrance, and goes back to normal when he spits out the water, so maybe they’re jazzing up the reaction to his entrance.

 

Steiner comes out to a pretty good reaction, though, as we would discover, that was not to last.

 

The match is pretty methodical (read: slow) at first, with some leisurely punches being exchanged back and forth, before Steiner starts to dominate. The action goes to the floor with Steiner punching Triple H a lot and ramming his back into the guardrail, and it’s at this point that the crowd begins to turn on Steiner, as there are some light, but very noticeable boos, directed at him when he’s on offence. Steiner dominates for the next few minutes, with the boos drifting in and out of being noticeable, and Steiner showing not a great deal of variety in his work, which would play a key role in this match soon.

 

Triple H gets control with a boot to the face as Steiner charges at him in the corner, and with Triple H on offence, who is the heel here so you know, the crowd are pretty positive about that, and you can hear some cheers and clapping. Steiner regains control not too long after by countering a Pedigree attempt into a slingshot into the ringpost, a favorite spot of Triple H, and then hits a modified suplex. Steiner tried to get up, but fell into the ropes, and it’s not selling, because it’s clear that Steiner has blown up, and we’ve not even reached the ten-minute mark.

 

Steiner hoists Triple H over his shoulder for some sort of slam, but a series of reversals end up with Triple H hitting Steiner with what was meant to be a neckbreaker, but winds up looking like a modified diamond cutter, which JR refers to when covering for this slightly blown move.

 

A rather interesting spot occurs just after this, when, as Hunter goes to the second rope, Ric Flair encourages the crowd to cheer for Triple H, and they actually do. Now, call me old-fashioned, but given that it’s obvious the crowd loves Flair, why make him the manager to the lead heel ? Why give the lead heel, who is meant to be booed, a manager that the crowd love and will go along with ? Does nobody see what’s wrong with this picture ? Does nobody see the flaw in giving the lead heel a manager that is guaranteed to get him cheers ?

 

Steiner isn’t on the defense for too long, and comes back with a series of belly-to-belly suplexes, each one getting slightly louder boos from the crowd, before we get to the spot that puts the nail in the coffin of Steiner being a credible headliner. Steiner sets Triple H up for a Tiger Driver, and goes for the move. However, halfway through it, Steiner loses control of the move, and winds up dumping Triple H down in what looks like a modified suplex, but is clearly a badly blown move, and the crowd turn on him completely, and boo him out of the building.

 

Despite Steiner dominating the rest of the match, including Triple H teasing two walk outs as well as the prerequisite blade job from Triple H off of a belt shot from Steiner in the aisleway, the crowd just refuses to get behind Steiner. Eventually, very predictably, and after shoving the referee in an attempt to get disqualified, Triple H brings out the sledgehammer from under the ring and uses on Steiner to finally get disqualified, much to the chagrin of the crowd, who boo heartily.

 

The booing continues when Steiner, who is the babyface, gets the sledgehammer away from Triple H and uses it on him, before putting him in the Steiner Recliner, which takes a host of referees and officials plus Eric Bischoff to get Steiner to release. Steiner then takes the World title belt, drops it on a prone Triple H, and poses for the crowd, and gets booed for his troubles.

 

Rating: Going in, Steiner’s limitations were well known, so common sense told you that the match should be kept short to disguise those limitations. So, why didn’t that happen ? Well, there are a few reasons. Firstly, Triple H had the mindset that the World Title should be defended in long matches, regardless of the limitations of his opponent. Second, even though his opponent was limited, Triple H desperately wanted, and still wants, to be Ric Flair, and, because Flair carried some slugs to good matches that went some length, Triple H wanted to show that he could do that too, even though common sense told you that this was not the night to do it. Thirdly, with Steiner exposed to the world on PPV, there would be no clamor for any potential title change, and that means one less threat to his spot. Of course, just four months later, Triple H would face the same challenge with another limited opponent whose limitations dictated a short match, and in that case logic won out, and the match went seven minutes, with Triple H selling all the way. So, what changed ? Did logic finally win out ? Did common sense prevail ? Or did it have something to do with the opponent in question being Kevin Nash, who, is not only Triple H’s best friend, but also someone who was never a threat to Triple H’s spot, so there would be no danger in protecting him and trying to make him look better than he was ?

 

Getting back to this match, it was a sub-par match, with beyond sub-par booking that reeked of ego and a total disregard for business. Whether Steiner had the talent to be in the main event scene or not, common sense and logic, terms that mean nothing in the face of a certain mighty ego, tell you that you hide his weaknesses, and work around them so as to expose that Steiner isn’t very good. By going so long and exposing to the world that Steiner is terrible and gets blown up before the ten-minute mark, a potential main event player had his legs cut off at the knees in his very first televised match, and someone who could have been a solid upper midcard to main event name was taken out at the first attempt.

 

The match itself was bad, but the booking was so off-the-charts horrible that it defies description, and, sadly, is a problem that continues to this very day.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 10

 

Triple H v Scott Steiner – No Way Out 2003

 

This was the rematch of the classic from last month that was also the subject of my last review. And with last months clash being such a stellar affair, fans wondered if there was any way they could follow it up.

 

This was held in Montreal, and with Canadian fans tending to go against the grain as it were, it was no surprise that Steiner got a mostly mixed reaction coming out, while Triple H, the heel, got mostly cheers.

 

The match itself was a weird one, because the crowd booed almost everything Steiner did, and cheered almost everything Triple H did, and he’s meant to be the heel. The actual wrestling wasn’t that bad, but it was by no means good, as it was pretty much a slightly shorter version of their match the month before, with slow brawling, and little of real excitement, save for the heat spot, where Triple H knocked Steiner off the ring apron, and Steiner took a nice looking face first bump into the ring steps.

 

Around this point in the match, the crowd start chanting “You Screwed Bret”, at Earl Hebner, who was the referee, and not long after that also started what sounded like a “boring” chant as well, which was an honest assessment of this match.

 

The funniest parts of the match came here, as Ric Flair would interfere almost constantly, but the crowd cheered everything he did. No matter what Steiner did in his comeback, the crowd booed him mercilessly. And when Triple H did the spot with Hebner where the heel shoves the referee down and the referee shoves him back, the crowd went nuts for Triple H, and booed the referee like crazy. It could be that it was actually thought that doing such a thing might get Triple H booed, but I’m inclined to believe the spot was done knowing full well it would get Triple H cheered like crazy.

 

Another thing to bring up is the commentary by Coach and Jerry Lawler. Throughout the entire match, I don’t think they praised or hyped up Steiner once, and the vast majority of it was spent praising Triple H, the heel, and more or less making him out to be this wrestling god that Steiner had no chance against. It’s not a surprise that they verbally fellated Triple H, but couldn’t they have spared a few minutes to talk up Steiner, the babyface, over Triple H, the heel.

 

Back to the match, if I really have to, and Steiner’s comeback is interrupted by Flair calling out the rest of Evolution to the ringside area, and Randy Orton and Batista come down to bump for Steiner, and the referee quickly orders them, and Flair, to the back. This commotion allows Triple H to hit Steiner with a belt shot, which only gets a two count, but a Pedigree later and Triple H, who is the heel, gets a wildly popular three count. Evolution then drag Triple H away, as Coach and Lawler praise Triple H, and pretty well bury Steiner, which is quite appropriate.

 

Rating: Unlike their match the month before, this match is only around 14 minutes, but it’s still too long, and the damage to Steiner has already been done. He’s been exposed as a terrible wrestler, and as such, his credibility has a top guy was destroyed, and this match was the final nail in his coffin as a wrestler with anything meaningful to offer.

 

The match quality was a slight improvement over the month before, and so was the booking, but really, they’d have been hard pressed to do worse, and that’s really the only positive thing you can say about this match.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 11

 

The Undertaker v Big Bossman – Hell In A Cell, Wrestlemania 15

 

This match is largely refereed to as ‘The Forgotten HIAC’, and you’ll see why in due course.

 

The build up to this match centered around Vince McMahon’s’ Corporate Team, and their fight against the Ministry Of Darkness, led by The Undertaker. It was classic Vince Russo soap opera nonsense, which meant it was filled with over the top angles and storylines that nobody could take seriously, despite Russo long having been an advocate of ‘not insulting the viewers intelligence’.

 

In any event, this dire soap opera crap absolutely did not call for use of the Hell In A Cell gimmick, as it was still hallowed and could draw money then, having built up a near-legendary reputation off of the only two major HIAC matches to take place before then, that being Shawn Michaels v The Undertaker, and Mick Foley v The Undertaker. Maybe it was the fact that Undertaker was in both of them that led Russo to deem this nonsense worthy of a HIAC match, because it certainly wasn’t common sense and logic, two concepts that were foreign to Russo. On a side note, there was a HIAC match on Raw the year before, but they had such little meaning, that they’ve, thankfully, all but slipped from memory, and don’t tarnish the legacy of the HIAC gimmick.

 

Bossman gets a normal entrance, with, interestingly enough, nobody accompanying him, which is strange considering the storyline involved would make it logical for him to have some sort of back up with him. Then again, let’s remember who the ‘brains’ behind this is. Undertaker comes out with Paul Bearer, and Undertaker is in full-on Satanic Mode, with fancy coat and the like, and with none of the trimmings you’d expect from a typical Undertaker entrance.

 

The match itself had almost no heat, with the only thing close to a reaction being for when Bossman crotched Undertaker on the top rope to counter the rope walk move, and a chair shot on Bossman from Undertaker. Apart from that, the crowd made no noise at all, save for a “boring” chant halfway through the match. And who could blame them, because this was dull, lethargic, and totally devoid of life and passion. Had this been a regular match, Undertaker and Bossman might have been able to put something decent together. Unfortunately, the genius of Russo demanded a Hell In A Cell match, because of what would come after the match.

 

After a lot of slow brawling, which, in a normal match, could at least have been punctuated by using the commentary table in some fashion or even some outside interference, Undertaker hit a tombstone, to almost no reaction, and got the win.

 

And it’s at this point that the ‘fun’ begins.

 

Undertaker raised his arms, and, from the ceiling of the arena, Gangrel, Edge and Christian descended on wires (a descending that almost nobody remembers anymore), and break through part of the roof of the cell to slip a long rope and noose to The Undertaker, with the other end attached to the Cell. As G, E and C rise back to the top of the arena, Undertaker wraps the noose around the neck of Bossman (in reality, he’s attaching it to an apparatus on the back Bossman’s bulky bulletproof vest-like ring attire), and a cackling Paul Bearer presses a button on the controls of the Cell, and it rises above the ring, with Bossman dangling from it. Bossman jerks and writhes around for a few minutes, before going limp, and just hanging their like a dead man.

 

As Michael Cole prattles on about how maybe Undertaker is symbolically sending a message to Vince McMahon, I’m wondering why this absolute nonsense is on my screen, and realize I have MARTYEWR to ‘thank’.

 

I hope you celebrate Halloween Marty, so that someone can blow up your pumpkin.

 

Rating: This was one of the most nonsensical, horrible, beyond logic, beyond common sense, beyond all forms of reason, intelligence insulting concepts that Vince Russo has ever crapped out of his brain. Are we meant to believe that Bossman was really hung ? Are we meant to believe that we’ve just witnessed a murder ? Well, Vince ? What the hell is it ? What the hell are we meant to have seen ? Someone tell me how this absolute garbage is in any way, shape or form meant to make me give a flying fuck about the Corporation v Ministry feud. Well ? I’m waiting.

 

That was Vince Russo’s biggest flaw, though he had plenty. He had so many grand and spectacular ideas that he had to have play out, that he never bothered, because he’s an absolute idiot, to come up with a way to fit them within the proper wrestling-logic context of a wrestling program or a wrestling storyline. There is a certain inherent logic to wrestling, wrestling-logic, and everything that happens in wrestling should fit into it in some fashion. But Vince Russo never understood that, because he was too busy trying to create soap opera and entertainment, because god knows nobody tunes into a wrestling program for wrestling matches or wrestling angles.

 

This match was a disaster on all levels, and only served to tarnish the legacy of the Hell In A Cell gimmick, and it’s perfectly easy to understand why this match is almost always left out of any video pieces on the history of the Hell In A Cell gimmick.

 

Avoid this like the plague. Better yet, get the plague, so you can die and not have to risk ever watching this.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 11

 

The Undertaker v The Underfaker – Summerslam 1994

 

This infamous match was the culmination of the twin Undertaker storyline, that saw Ted DiBiase re-introduce ‘The Undertaker’ to the WWF after Undertaker had vanished after losing the casket match to Yokozuna back in January, only for Paul Bearer to claim it was a fake, and, after a (too) long build up, the match was set for Summerslam for Undertaker v Undertaker, with everyone wondering what exactly we would see.

 

Ted DiBiase is in the ring, and be brings out The Underfaker, who looks far more pale than the original, as Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler debate as to what Paul Bearer will bring. Paul Bearer came out, and he led to the ring a bunch of druids wheeling a coffin with The Undertaker’s name and colors on it, and when it got to ringside, most assumed Undertaker was in it. Instead, Bearer pulled a giant-sized urn from the coffin, and when he took the lid off it, a bright light shone from the urn. Did that come from Wal-Mart ? The lights go out, Bearer shines the light around the arena, and the real Undertaker makes his entrance to a great reaction.

 

That reaction would be the only noise made until the end of the match, because this thing had zero heat to it. The crowd made absolutely no noise at all during this one, which Vince and Lawler tried to sell as awed silence, but it was painfully, almost embarrassingly, obvious that the crowd didn’t give a tinkers twiddle about this terrible storyline.

 

The match itself, which went about nine minutes, saw both men go very slowly through The Undertaker’s spots, which was ungodly dull, because the inherent limitations of The Undertaker gimmick don’t make for a good match to begin with, but at least with a normal opponent the other guy can at least bump and fly and work at getting something out of the gimmick. However, with both men handcuffed by The Undertaker gimmick, we had a match that was beyond boring, beyond lifeless; beyond your wildest nightmares.

 

So, after a barrage of chops, clotheslines, chops, clotheslines, a couple of blown spots, and Undertaker blocking Underfaker from doing the rope walk move, Underfaker tombstoned Undertaker, raised his arms half way up for some reason and went to make the cover but Undertaker sat up, and we had the first crowd reaction of the match. This lasted about 20 seconds.

 

Underfaker went for a second tombstone, but Undertaker reversed it, and hit a tombstone of his own, to a decent reaction, before hitting two more to get the win. As a scared Ted DiBiase ran off, Undertaker rolled Underfaker into the casket at ringside, slammed the lid, and brought an end to one of the most nonsensical, intelligence insulting, nauseatingly embarrassing storylines of the pre-Russo era of the WWF.

 

Rating: This is where I come up with something to adequately express how bad the match was, and my thoughts on it:

 

This absolutely fucking sucked.

 

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Question: Was there any reason why they had the Undertaker start wearing purple around this time?

 

Also, this might not belong in this thread, but I figured since I'm asking questions, why did WWF bring in Jose Lothario as HBK's manager in '96? Was that a Michaels demand? Because I can't see how the WWF would think he needed a manager.

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I am so tempted to send you copies of Coliseum Video's "George 'The Animal' Steele", "Wrestling's Country Boys", and "Best of the WWF Volume 14" to review.

 

But I'm not a sadist.

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 13

 

Sting v Jeff Jarrett – WCW Halloween Havoc 2000

 

The storyline behind this match was actually not that bad, as it saw Jarrett mock Sting by assuming the persona of Sting circa 1991-1993, complete with face paint and glittery coat, and deriding Sting for ‘losing his heart’. Would the match be able to follow the storyline proceeding it?

 

The match began decently enough, but after only a few minutes of action 1988 Sting showed up at the top of the ramp, taunting Sting, who came out to meet 1988 Sting and, after a brief scuffle, laid him out with a Scorpion Death Drop on the ramp. Jeff Jarrett attacked him at this point, and they wound up brawling through the crowd, all the way around the arena to the floor area on the side of the ring away from the ramp. At this point, 1992 Sting came down the steps, and interrupted things, and Sting brawled with this guy all the way to the top of the ramp where he was dispatched with another Scorpion Death Drop.

 

The fun wasn’t over yet, as after only a few more minutes of action, Wolfpac Sting, complete with baseball bat, appeared at the top of the ramp, and came to the ringside area to taunt the real Sting. Can you guess what happened? Yes, Sting and Wolfpac Sting battled to the top of the ramp, and Wolfpac Sting was dispatched with a Scorpion Death Drop, but this time Jeff Jarrett took advantage and used the aforementioned bat to nail Sting, and get the upper hand.

 

They brawled back to the ring, and we got a few minutes of bearable action, before Sting applied the Scorpion Deathlock, at which point Crow Sting, the fourth bogus Sting so far, came through the ring, and dragged the real Sting beneath the ring. After a few moments, real Sting came back up, dragging Crow Sting with him, and sent him crashing out of the ring. The action resumed for a few minutes, but then the lights went out, we got a little light show, and Crow Sting #2 ascended from the ceiling to land at ringside. Real Sting went after him, and a one-sided brawl ended with Sting giving Crow Sting #2 a Scorpion Death Drop through the announce table.

 

Sting went back to the ring, and with the referee nowhere to be seen (I don’t know where he went), applied the Scorpion Deathlock to Jarrett again. This allowed Crow Sting #1 to smash a guitar over Sting’s head, but as Crow Sting #1 celebrated, Sting sprung back to his feet and nailed him with a Scorpion Death Drop, but this in turn allowed Jarrett to hit Sting with another guitar, which this time knocked Sting silly, as Jarrett made the cover, and the referee reappeared to count the pinfall.

 

Rating: If this reads like a mess, just imaging having to watch all 15 plus minutes of it. I have no idea what could have been going through the mind of whoever came up with this nonsense, but it certainly wasn’t, “How can we give the fans the best match possible?”. I have no idea why they didn’t cut out all the fake Stings save one, and have him to interfere right at the end, leaving Sting and Jarrett to have what would surely have been a pretty decent match. What was the point of booking so many fake Stings to run in, when each subsequent fake Sting would take away the impact from the previous fake Sting that came before it ? In what universe could anyone possibly think that this inanity would in any way make for a bearable match, let alone a good one ? Did nobody point out that five fake Stings was beyond overkill, and that it might make sense to only have one or two fake Stings?

 

This match was a disaster on all levels, because it didn’t accomplish a single thing. Did it get Jarrett over? Did it get Sting over? Did it get anyone over? What did this farce accomplish?

 

As I mentioned earlier, Sting and Jarrett could have had a decent match if they had been allowed to, and quite why they weren’t allowed to I don’t know, because this mess served no purpose except to piss off an already disillusioned and terribly jaded audience.

 

Two thumbs, eight fingers, and all ten toes down.

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I wonder who booked that Sting/Jarrett match. It sounds like a Russo idea, but he took a leave of absence from the booking team (from which he never returned since WCW went out of business before he was able to come back) a few weeks before Havoc.

 

Also, wasn't Demolition Ax one of the fake Stings ?

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 14

 

The Master Blasters v Brad Armstrong and Tim Horner – Clash Of The Champions XII

 

This match was the big debut of the Masters Blasters, Steel and Iron, who had been hyped up in series of vignettes with them walking around a junkyard, presumably to show how tough they were. The Masters Blasters were WCW’s attempt to create a copy of the Road Warriors, who had walked out on the promotion earlier in the year due to a contract dispute with Jim Herd, and the Blasters were made up of Kevin Nash (yes, that Kevin Nash) and Al Greene (who went on to be The Dog in WCW in 2000).

 

Like true jobbers, Armstrong and Horner come to the ring first, leaving everyone buzzing over the first wrestling appearance of The Master Blasters. The first appearance isn’t a good one, because the Master Blasters look terrible just coming to the ring, because their ring attire consists of tight leather pants, and, in the case of Steel (Nash) a comical Mohawk, all of which was made worse by the fact that the Blasters had been made up to look like they had a months worth of dirt on them, and their faces had been spraypainted all sorts of dark colors. Needless to say, any faint hopes had of these two replacing the Road Warriors were soon gone.

 

The match itself was another comic adventure, because it was a total disjointed mess. Twice Iron and Steel would hoist Horner up onto their shoulders in a fireman’s carry position, parade around with him, only to rather clumsily dump him in their corner with all the force of a geriatrics punch. The funniest part of the match, unintentionally, saw Iron go for a diving headbutt on a downed Horner, only to somehow fall short, and he had to gently tap his head against Horner, rather than execute the move he was trying to go for. Needless to say, the crowd booed and jeered this, and the Master Blasters credibility, what they had anyway, was gone.

 

Another amusing spot saw them whip Horner into the ropes for a double elbow, but instead of Steel kneeling down so he and Iron’s elbows struck Horner at about the same level, Iron, who was a good few inches shorter than Steel, was the one who knelt down, so that move looked stupid too.

 

Finally, thankfully, and with much mercy, this horrid affair was brought to an end with a double flying shoulderblock by the Blasters on Horner, and they got the win.

 

Rating: Just terrible. It was clear as day from the opening bell that Steel didn’t really know what he was doing in there, and Iron wasn’t much better. They were lost in there, even with two veterans like Armstrong and Horner to lead them through things, and, as such, their big debut fell flatter than Gwen Stefani’s chest.

 

Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 15

 

Sid Vicious v The Nightstalker – Clash Of The Champions XIII

 

This match is legendary for being one of the worst matches in WCW/NWA history, and was the worst one until the likes of Hogan v Warrior II graced our screens.

 

The Nightstalker was Bryan Clarke, who went on to gain fame as Adam Bomb and as one half of Kronik. At this stage of the game, he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the draw, and against someone like Sid, it didn’t take the Genius Lanny Poffo to deduce that something bad was going to happen.

 

And boy did it happen and then some.

 

After some terrible brawling, the match went to a corner with Sid choking Nightstalker, before they rather clumsily, and for no apparent reason, switched positions with Nightstalker now doing the choking. This was followed by perhaps the weakest, most lamest, most feeble looking nerve hold in recorded wrestling history. Working on Vicious’ lung which had been punctured the year before, Nightstalker then began to pinch Vicious’ side. I don’t know what he was thinking, but this looked terrible, and the only pain inflicted was upon the fans having to sit through such horrible ‘wrestling’. The fans in attendance weren’t shy in letting them know they hated this, and began booing quite loudly.

 

Somewhere in here The Big Cat (Mr. Hughes) came to ringside, and distracted Sid, and, as the two grappled, Nightstalker grabbed the big ax that he brought to ring with him, and went for Sid from behind. Having half the brain that Nightstalker has, Vicious moved out of the way, and Nightstalker dropped the ax as he collided with Big Cat. Sid then grabbed the ax, and as Nightstalker staggered back, Sid very gently hit Nightstalker in the throat with the head of the ax, which saw Nightstalker drop like a stone, and Sid covered to get the pin. At this point, Big Cat hit the ring, and he and Nightstalker, who jumped right back up from the ax shot, began double teaming Sid with some of the worst offense I’ve ever seen. Rather quickly, thankfully, Sid rolled from the ring to get a chair, and Nightstalker and Cat left the ring, and this debacle was over.

 

Rating: You don’t know what a bad match is until you’ve watched this terrible display. I don’t know how long Clarke had been wrestling at this point, but he was nowhere near being good enough to get a good match out of Sid, and unless you want to expose Sid for being the shitty worker that he is, you have to put him in the ring with great workers or jobbers who can bump like crazy in order to get anything watchable out of him. And Bryan Clarke fit neither of those bills, and as such, along with Clarke being as green as a green thing can be, this match was beyond horrible, and will always have a spot in the Black Hole of Suck Hall of Shame.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 16

 

Sting v Sid Vicious – WCW Halloween Havoc 1990

 

This match is pretty infamous, not because of the quality, though that aspect of it is infamous in its own right. It’s infamous for having an almost legendary finish to it, one that people would remember for a long time to come.

 

If you want a move by move account of this match, you’ll be disappointed because there are only so many times I can type punch and kick before I get writer’s cramp. Indeed, this match was festival of the most basic and mundane of wrestling moves, with nothing but kicks, punches, one nerve hold, and the weakest and lamest looking choke hold on record being used. The only exciting moves of the whole match were a plancha from Sting onto Sid, and a running dive from Sting from the ramp over the top rope and onto Sid. If it weren’t for those two moves, this hideous contest would have been completely devoid of any excitement or life whatsoever, because this was just a terrible match, and one of the worst major World Title matches of all time.

 

There’s nothing more to say about the body of the match, because there was almost nothing to the body of the match, so we’ll skip right to the finish.

 

Sting and Sid battled into the aisleway that was off to the side of the ring, and Ric Flair and Arn Anderson came out and distracted the referee while Sting and Sid fought to the back. After a few moments, Sting and Sid returned, and once the match got back in the ring, Sting picked Sid up for a bodyslam, but Sid fell on top of the World Champion, the referee made a three count, and we had a new World Champion

 

Or did we ?

 

Some fans popped, some were visibly puzzled by what was happening, and as the rather modest fireworks shot off and balloons fell from the ceiling, Sid celebrated with the World Title belt. Suddenly Sting appeared in the aisleway with a large rope around one wrist, and the announcers were openly asking what was going on. Sting hit the ring, nailed Sid with the World title belt, hit a Stinger Splash, and rolled Sid up with a small package as the referee made a second three count, and this time Sting was declared the winner.

 

What was going on ?

 

Thankfully the reply was able to tell us what happened, because the announcers didn’t seem to have a clue. The ‘Sting’ that got pinned by Sid was in fact a fake Sting (yes, the fake Sting angle is a lot older than most realize), who turned out to be Barry Windham, and the real Sting was, presumably, tied up in the back while this was going on. Anyway, Sting broke free, came face to face with Barry Sting in the aisleway, before hitting the ring, hitting Sid with the title belt, and getting the win with a small package.

 

Rating: This was absolute crap. Sting was never great, but he was decent. However, he was nowhere near good enough to carry Sid, who was his usual terrible self in this match. If you want to see a textbook example of a terrible match with terrible booking, then this is one for you. Otherwise, don’t waste your time. This is Wrestlecrap material.

 

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Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Suck – Part 4

 

Hulk Hogan v The Warrior – Halloween Havoc 1998

 

Billed as an ultra important rematch that the people have been waiting 8 years for, this is actually an exercise in ego placating that has been 8 years in the making. Warrior beat Hogan at Wrestlemania VI back in 1990, and this is Hogan’s chance to get his win back, and all it cost for this ego trip was about $3m, which is what WCW paid Warrior for this match, and maybe a couple of others, before letting him sit at home for the remainder of his deal due to Warrior being totally useless.

 

This match was straight out of the 80’s, with slow and plodding brawling, if what these two did can even be called brawling. Indeed, the blows that these two men exchanged were so weak, that you’re left wondering why they bothered to sell any of them, when they had all the force of a tortoise’s fart. In the midst of all the sloppy brawling, they squeezed in a few notable spots from their Wrestlemania match, the three main ones being:

 

1: Nick Patrick getting bumped by Hogan off a criss-cross spot, but in a very comical manner, due to Hogan barely even touching Patrick, and Patrick throwing himself almost halfway across the ring.

 

2: After more bad brawling, and the nWo B Team of Giant, Stevie Ray and Vincent running in to play pinball for Warrior’s bad punches, Warrior covered Hogan, even though he could clearly see the referee was still down. This allowed Warrior to check on the referee and, and stop me if you’ve seen this before, allow Hogan to sneak up from behind and hit a belly-to-back suplex.

 

3: Warrior hitting two double ax handles off the top rope, which Warrior was kind enough to warn Hogan about beforehand, as Warrior was heard telling Hogan, “I’m coming off the ropes.”

 

 

Somewhere in all this mess, Hogan’s weightlifting belt came into play, with both men using it, and Warrior using it as a makeshift knuckleduster, and getting a little juice from Hogan.

 

This led up to that spot, where Hogan tried to throw a fireball at Warrior, but totally botched it up in such a laughable fashion that the crowd groaned badly, and it was around this point, or maybe even beforehand, that pretty much all the heat vanished from the arena. Not that the crowd were molten for this abomination to begin with, but what heat this match had had evaporated into nothingness by now.

 

Remember at the beginning how I said the match was straight out of the 80’s ? Well, so was the finish. Eric Bischoff hit ringside, and jumped up onto the apron and grabbed the referee in a side headlock, which allowed Horace Hogan, who Hulk had beaten down on the previous Nitro, to hit the ring and turn heel by giving Warrior a very gentle chair shot to the back, which Warrior sold like he’d been hit with a shotgun at close range. Hogan made the cover, hooked the tights, and Eric let go of the referee who counted the pinfall, giving Hogan his win, his ego boost, and ending this absolute disaster of a ‘match’.

 

The Horace Hogan turn on Warrior, when he had just got beaten up Hogan and the B Team the week before, was explained the next night on Nitro as tough love or some other such nonsense.

 

So, what did Eric Bischoff and WCW get out of paying Warrior $3m so Hogan could get his win back ?

 

They got the single worst match in WCW/NWA PPV history, and the worst match to ever take place during the WCW v WWF rivalry. This total joke of a wrestling match had absolutely no redeeming features at all. Not even watching Hogan botch a spot in such a monumentally incompetent fashion could give this stinking pile of shit any value. I know why this match took place, but quite why anyone would think fans would give a damn about this match, when the clamor for a rematch had died out almost as soon as the first match had ended, I don’t know. Even if every single demeaning and negative word in the English language was wheeled out, you would still fail to accurately describe this utter shambles of a match.

 

Rating: Absolute Suck.

 

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