9:30 p.m.

• So today the better half told me that there was a group of bees/wasps/whatever starting up a nest in the top left corner of our garage door. The following conversation then took place. You can figure out who’s who:

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because I’m working at the second job to pay for my niece’s baby shower because I’m a fucking idiot and once my mom dies there will be nobody left to cater to the crack-whore so she will start calling our house begging us to drive her to the methadone clinic, welfare office or some other decrepit locale.”

“Oh yeah.”

“So wait until the evening and go out there and spray so you get them all.”

“Even the women and children bees?”

“Yes. That’s why you do it in the evening. When they are all back at the hive.”

“Wow. Now I know what George W. Bush must feel like.”

Of course, if the kkk household was made up of Democrats, we would first try to understand why the insects decided to stage an insurgency. Was it because of pollution they decided to set up shop at our residence? Did their previous hive get foreclosed on because of the RECESSION~? We wouldn’t have time to really know because we would have moved to another location. But there are enough left-wing queers on my block. I guess that makes me a fly in the ointment. OK, now this is getting dumber than I thought possible.

All I can say is that after trip outside with the bug spray…

Of course now the rest of the bugs in the neighborhood will be blowing themselves up, causing my approval ratings to dip even lower among the commie neighbors (if that's possible). Bring it on.

10:30 p.m.

• I’m sure there’s a joke to be made here about black people and making babies, but that would be wrong. Can’t wait to find out what a bunch of white people in lab coats determine to be the bodily enhancements of Popeye’s Chicken.

A slice of cool, fresh watermelon is a juicy way to top off a Fourth of July cookout and one that researchers say has effects similar to Viagra — but don't necessarily expect it to keep the fireworks all night long.

 

Watermelons contain an ingredient called citrulline that can trigger production of a compound that helps relax the body's blood vessels, similar to what happens when a man takes Viagra, said scientists in Texas, one of the nation's top producers of the seedless variety.

Speaking of watermelon, I LOVE this stuff so much I can't buy it or I'll eat the entire box. Well, not the ACTUAL box, but rather what is inside of it.