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Miss Cromartie Tournament II

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Xavier Cromartie


"It's like the Miss TSM Tournament, but I make all the rules and do all the voting!"


This time, more than 1,000 girls from all over the world were candidates. I thoroughly vetted hundreds of them in order to narrow it down to this field of 64.



1. Girls only. The hottest girls. For the purposes of this tournament, only their looks matter.

2. Age limit of 17+ (Still disqualified: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez.)

3. The girls shall be famous. 'Fame' is defined as having 5+ pictures turn up on Google Images. (Disqualified: Leelee, local girls.)

4. Voting shall be based on current actual physical form* (Disqualified: Dead porn stars.)

5. Voting between two girls shall be determined by which one I would rather creampie (with no real-life consequences). NO EMOTIONS. NO PERSONALITIES. Only pure lust.

6. Seeding is based on the approximate order of their level of fame. Upsets can and will happen.

7. Brackets shall be broken into four geographic regions: North (European descent), South (Latin America), West (North America), and East (Asia). Each bracket shall contain 16 girls who fit in that region.


* There's new emphasis on this rule this time. I call it the Autumn Reeser Rule, since she's one of many girls who is not nearly as attractive as her best modeling shoot would have you believe. I am judging the girls based on how they look when they go out in public—not how they look when they're retouched beyond the point of humanity in modeling pictures. I tried to use candid pictures, or at least ones that aren't completely over-the-top retouched. I'm not judging only by these pictures, anyway. It's best to watch videos of them.


ROUND 1 (64)


NORTH (Europe)


1. Scarlett Johansson (Denmark)

16. Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen (Netherlands) - Let's quickly establish the tone of this tournament. Scarlett isn't as good as those modeling pix indicate.


8. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine) - Aly is just so cute. She looks like a younger Paulina Rubio. Gemma has huge tits but the model shots clean her up too much.

9. Gemma Atkinson (England)


5. Denise Milani (Czech Republic) - I wouldn't pass up on these tits. Dillan is pretty good for someone with no chest.

12. Dillan Lauren (Spain)


4. Keeley Hazell (England) - Fairly decisive here. She gets retouched like crazy, but her face is naturally pretty good as well. And she has other good body parts.

13. Alessia Ventura (Italia)


6. Lucy Pinder (England) - There's something odd about Audrey's face, actually. Lucy is all-around great.

11. Audrey Bitoni (Italia)


3. Mila Kunis (Ukraine)

14. Kayden Kross (Sweden) - Tough pick because neither is that great. I'll take the cute blonde.


7. Miranda Kerr (Wales)

10. Marina Orlova (Russia) - Hotforwords is hot. People think Miranda is cute as a button. It's about fuckin'.


2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia) - Ohhh man. Watch out for Kimmy K in this tournament. Amazing everything.

15. Amanda Harrington (England)


SOUTH (Latin America)


1. Mariah Carey (Venezuela)

16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - Mariah is still looking good, but not enough to beat this slut.


8. Natália Guimarães (Brazil)

9. Somaya Reece (Puerto Rico) - Somaya is unbelievable when she's retouched. Otherwise, she's still pretty good. I expected more from Miss Brazil.


5. Alessandra Ambrosio (Brazil) - This matchup was winnable, but the adorable Camila just doesn't quite offer enough to pull off the upset.

12. Camila Sodi (Mexico)


4. Adriana Lima (Brazil) - No contest. Adriana never looks bad.

13. Danielle Sobreira (Brazil)


6. Alexis Amore (Peru) - The face isn't perfect, but I'd take her over plain Perroni.

11. Maite Perroni (Mexico)


3. Jessica Alba (Mexico)

14. Belén Rodríguez (Argentina) - Ms. Alba cleans up well and is ok naturally. Ms. Rodríguez is a little sexier overall.


7. Paula DeAnda (Mexico)

10. Rocío Guirao Díaz (Argentina) - Putting Ms. DeAnda in impossible matchups is becoming a running gag. Rocío is fairly impressive.


2. Shakira (Colombia)

15. Mariana Felicio (Brazil) - Shawty Shakira isn't too great really. Mariana is a natural babe.


WEST (North America)


1. Paris Hilton (USA) - That's right, I'd like to cum inside Paris Hilton with no condom on! Jaime looks good in some pix but also is kind of a horse, I guess.

16. Jaime Hammer (USA)


8. Lanny Barby (Canada) - She's very sexy with her raven hair. Sienna is kind of a mess.

9. Sienna West (USA)


5. Katherine McPhee (USA) - Kat is very pretty. Ashlynn is a good model/porn star, but her face isn't naturally great.

12. Ashlynn Brooke (USA)


4. Stacy Keibler (USA) - How the hell did the degenerate wrestling industry employ Stacy for so long? Also, Tawny is one of those girls who looks different in every picture.

13. Tawny Roberts (USA)


6. Shyla Stylez (Canada) - Shyla is too alluring. Leelee would beat Teagan.

11. Teagan Presley (USA)


3. Ashley Tisdale (USA) - It's a shame that this matchup happened in round one. Yes, I really put my emotions aside and judged that Ashley is better looking. Amber's face is a little off. Obama is a mack daddy!

14. Amber Lee Ettinger (USA)


7. JoJo (Native American)

10. Raven Riley (Native American) - Native American battle! JoJo is a cute girl who deserves to be here. (What a dumbass for turning down the Hannah Montana role, though.) Raven might be the best porn star in the tournament. Gorgeous girl.


2. Elisha Cuthbert (Canada)

15. Sarah Vandella (USA) - We've all seen Elisha's fabulously pale modeling shots, in which she is phenomenal. But, in reality, she is a rather unremarkable girl. Ms. Vandella is a good-looking blonde.


EAST (Asia)


1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines) - This matchup was pretty close. Vanessa is really adorable though.

16. Dilshad Vadsaria (Pakistan)


8. Aylar Lie (Persia)

9. Ayesha Takia (India) - The East region is much improved this season. Nobody plays to win more than Indian girls do.


5. Kaylani Lei (Singapore)

12. Aarti Chhabria (India) - Aarti is not quite as good as this pic indicates, but if Kaylani is the best Singapore can do, then I don't plan to visit Singapore.


4. Brenda Song (Thailand) - Brenda is a classic Southeast Asian babe. Puja is undeserving of being Miss India.

13. Puja Gupta (India)


6. Ahyoomee (South Korea)

11. Ursula Mayes (South Korea) - Ahyoomee is cute with her crazy eyes. But I'd definitely rather fuck Ursula. Total hottie.


3. Sunny Leone (India) - Hwang is just a cute little model. Sunny demolishes her in sexiness.

14. Hwang Mi Hee (South Korea)


7. Ramiele Malubay (Philippines) - When she dolls up with hair and makeup, she is good enough to win this rather dull matchup.

10. Maria Ozawa (Japan)


2. Koda Kumi (Japan) - Koda at her best is among the best Japan has to offer. Antara is a little too thick for me.

15. Antara Biswas (India)


ROUND 2 (32)


NORTH (Europe)


16. Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen (Netherlands)

8. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine) - I imagine fucking her and thinking it feels good.


5. Denise Milani (Czech Republic)

4. Keeley Hazell (England) - Titty wars. Keeley has a better face.


6. Lucy Pinder (England) - Superior face and body. Pretty easy choice.

14. Kayden Kross (Sweden)


10. Marina Orlova (Russia)

2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia) - Ok, let's not get carried away by a few amazing Kim pictures. Still, Marina isn't going to beat her.


SOUTH (Latin America)


16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - Argentina is a powerhouse. I don't like that Somaya's looks change in different pix.

9. Somaya Reece (Puerto Rico)


5. Alessandra Ambrosio (Brazil)

4. Adriana Lima (Brazil) - Adriana is far more gorgeous. It's not close.


6. Alexis Amore (Peru)

14. Belén Rodríguez (Argentina) - I want to plow it pretty hard.


10. Rocío Guirao Díaz (Argentina) - Mariana doesn't have any real speciality. I can't let her keep going.

15. Mariana Felicio (Brazil)


WEST (North America)


1. Paris Hilton (USA)

8. Lanny Barby (Canada) - One of the most difficult aspects of this tournament is determining how attractive Lanny truly is. I really considered Paris here.


5. Katherine McPhee (USA)

4. Stacy Keibler (USA) - Kat is quality, I just think I'd be happier fucking Stacy's super-tight pussy.


6. Shyla Stylez (Canada)

3. Ashley Tisdale (USA) - I can't deny Shyla's sex appeal. But, her face is a failure.


10. Raven Riley (Native American) - I like Sarah a lot. Raven is something special.

15. Sarah Vandella (USA)


EAST (Asia)


1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines)

9. Ayesha Takia (India) - None of the #1 seeds made it out of the round of 32. Ayesha is really pretty.


12. Aarti Chhabria (India) - I'm a bit underwhelmed by both of them, actually. Aarti gets me going more.

4. Brenda Song (Thailand)


11. Ursula Mayes (South Korea)

3. Sunny Leone (India) - On the contrary, this matchup is phenomenal. I hate to see either one go out. I'll tell you now that this matchup easily could have been the East region final. It's also an extraordinarily difficult decision. I just feel it more with Sunny.


7. Ramiele Malubay (Philippines)

2. Koda Kumi (Japan) - Ramiele needs a particular look in order to work. Koda is more flexible.


ROUND 3 (Sweet 16)


NORTH (Europe)


8. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine) - There's no question that Keeley has the better body. People overlook how ordinary her face is. Aly brings me joy.

4. Keeley Hazell (England)


6. Lucy Pinder (England) - Keepin' it real here. Kim's face is flawed. Lucy doesn't have bad days.

2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia)


SOUTH (Latin America)


16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - She is a deadly combo of being both a cute and a sexy girl, and it's not just in the retouched pics.

4. Adriana Lima (Brazil)


14. Belén Rodríguez (Argentina)

10. Rocío Guirao Díaz (Argentina) - Both of these Argentine babes bring the goods. It's a really tough decision. Ultimately, Rocío offers more sex appeal.


WEST (North America)


8. Lanny Barby (Canada)

4. Stacy Keibler (USA) - Once again, when a girl never looks bad, you have to stick with her.


3. Ashley Tisdale (USA)

10. Raven Riley (Native American) - End of the road, sweetheart. Ashley's looks change too much. Raven at her worst still looks good.


EAST (Asia)


9. Ayesha Takia (India) - India is steamrolling through Asia. Ayesha continues to impress. She has no major flaws.

12. Aarti Chhabria (India)


3. Sunny Leone (India) - Koda gets blowed out here. She maxed out in the Cutie Honey video. Sunny ensures complete Indian domination in the East.

2. Koda Kumi (Japan)


ROUND 4 (Elite 8)


NORTH (Europe)


8. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine)

6. Lucy Pinder (England) - I'm happy with this Elite 8. All tough decisions. Lucy's tits destroy Aly's, but I was still considering Aly very carefully here. Eventually, I decided Aly's minorly imperfect face costs her against Lucy's total package.


SOUTH (Latin America)


16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - At first, I thought Melina was all retouch. But, when she dolls up, she really is that amazing. I had a strong first impression of Rocío, but she's a bit too plain.

10. Rocío Guirao Díaz (Argentina)


WEST (North America)


4. Stacy Keibler (USA)

10. Raven Riley (Native American) - It's good that these girls don't have bad days. Stacy, however, does have ordinary days. Raven looks the same all the time: sexy.


EAST (Asia)


9. Ayesha Takia (India)

3. Sunny Leone (India) - Ayesha had a good run. She can't compete with Sunny, though. The difference in sexiness is apparent.


ROUND 5 (Final 4)


NORTH (Europe) vs. SOUTH (Latin America)


6. Lucy Pinder (England)

16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - It was a really tough choice again. Lucy is extremely pretty. But, without the tits, she's similar to Stacy Keibler in her ordinariness. Melina is sort of like what Ashley Tisdale would be as a supermodel.


WEST (North America) vs. EAST (Asia)


10. Raven Riley (Native American)

3. Sunny Leone (India) - Raven is competitive here. She just doesn't have the goods that Sunny does.


ROUND 6 (Championship)




16. Melina Pitra (Argentina)

3. Sunny Leone (India) - Argentina vs. India is my ideal final matchup. We also have blonde vs. raven hair. Take a look at Melina's best look and

. Both are marvelous. But, with Melina, I have a little bit of doubt. With Sunny, I have no doubt. India plays to win. Her prize is that she replaces Ashley Tisdale as my desktop background.


Miss Cromartie Tournament III will drop soon after Selena, Demi, and Miley are eligible.

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I used to have many images show up on images.google.com with my old Facebook name. But, I do not wish to participate since I'm very sensitive about these things.


I don't have any nominations since I don't follow these model types. I'd only recommend like tennis players and underage Eastern European porn stars that would lose 1R.

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