• Uh oh. Looks like I’m the newest member of the Commie Club. I was listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO today and there was a top-of-the-hour news story that said only 13 of every 1,000 people know the five freedoms that are in the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution. After this was announced, I frantically tried to guess them all before the reporter said the answer. There was that freedom of speech thing and the religion one. So far so good. The right to assemble. Come on, I’m almost there. Oh, there’s that pesky freedom of the press, but what’s the fifth one? What is it? God damnit.

Then the radio report gave the answer: Freedom to petition the Government. Oh come on now, we never hear of that one! I guess now what’s next for me is to get on Jay Leno’s show and have him humiliate me by asking, “Who’s the President?” with me giving a dumbfounded look and going, “derp.”

Speaking of those stupid “Man on the street quizzes,” if you’ve ever seen that show “Street Smarts,” you might be interested to know that I went to school with a cousin of that show’s host. Well, you probably aren’t interested, but I’m reminded of a story involving me and Frank Nicotero’s one cousin. I was hanging out with her and a few other people (I’ll call her “Jane” for this story.) when I got pulled over for making an illegal U-Turn. I did it, I paid my fine, and I moved on with my life.

Of course my college pals didn’t let me forget this mistake, which took place late at night and I didn’t see the police car that was in front of me who witnessed the violation. My nickname for the rest of the semester was “U-Turn.” Fine. I’ll be a man and take the abuse. However, during that next semester I had pulled into a gas station to fill up my car when I heard someone call my name. It was Jane, who was with her boyfriend in her parent’s car. I asked them what was going on, and Jane told me she hit the side of another car and they were exchanging information, etc. If memory serves, their car didn’t get dinged up that bad, but the other vehicle had a huge dent in its side.

Oddly enough, when I started calling Jane “Sideswipe,” my days of being “U-Turn” came to a grinding halt.

• cBS is now suing Howard Stern over breach of contract, fraud and other claims. I haven’t listen to Stern in years, although I used to be a fan of the radio show. While I switched stations whenever he’d interview lesbian porn star cousins who used to be men, I did enjoy listening to his social/political commentary; he often made some good points even if I didn’t agree with him. However, when he started his “Bush and the FCC are against me,” pseudo-jihad I tuned him out, especially when he said Michael Savage, who at the time got a short-lived show on MSBC, was a “Bush supporter.” Say what you will about Savage, but to call him another RIGHT-WING RADIO GOP PUPPET showed me Stern didn’t know what he was talking about.

Anyway, another thing I liked about Stern’s show would be when he goes off on his idiot co-workers/management. While I’m sure many thought this whining got old after a while, I enjoyed it, because I could sympathize with him and how people would fuck up even the most simple of tasks you would ask them to perform. I’m sure Stern bitched about cBS on his old show and talked about how great his move to satellite radio was going to be. If this is what cBS is suing over, get a life you bitches. You could have always just taken him off the air if he was being so offensive.

Now if Stern did other things that were in clear violation of his cBS contract, that’s another matter. But I don’t want to hear cBS cry foul because Stern said some mean things on his radio show. I think cBS ought to be more concerned what they’re going to do to make ratings since Stern’s departure.