the.weej
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Note that the Ced/Munich match has been changed slightly. Munich is, indeed, not doing the EUS thing anymore.
-Z
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I don't know what you're talking about.
-Z
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The Smartmarks Wrestling Federation Presents...
SWF SMARKDOWN! LIVE, MONDAY, AUGUST 30TH, FROM THE *SOLD OUT* SAVVIS CENTER IN ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI!
(5pm PCT, 8pm EST; check local listings for details)
Card:
MAIN EVENT
WORLD TITLE MATCH
HELL IN A CELL
Jamie Drazon vs Johnny Dangerous©
I was thinking that we hadn't had a HITC for a while, so how about a random major gimmick match? Yeah, you need some of those every now and then. Jamie Drazon proved that the third time is indeed the charm, claiming his contendership to the SWF world title at long last. He faces off against surprise champion Johnny Dangerous, who looks to not Ron Garvin the belt.
Rules: Standard pinfall rules. Once both wrestlers are INSIDE the cell, the door will be padlocked shut, theoretically preventing escape.
Word Limit: 6250
Send To: Suicide King
SINGLES MATCH
Austin Sly vs "The Notorious" John Duran
Sly returns home, and to the first big pop of his career! HUZZAH! He takes on former world champion John Duran in the cool-down segment--I mean, in a chance to firmly position himself for big gains up the card here. Not that Sly needs another excuse to be elevated, which is good for Duran, because a win against Sly would be just as good as anything else to help plead his case to get back into the main event.
Rules: Standard singles match.
Word Limit: 5000
Send To: 5_moves_of_doom
SIX-MAN TAG OF SHOCKING PROPORTIONS!
The Urban Empire (The Masked Man, Mike Van Siclen© and "Urban Legend" Todd Cortez©) v. Revolution Zero (Toxxic, "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins and Sean Davis)
Wow, I guess we got served. As it turns out, MVS, MM and Cortez are all aligned up now, and they've got the Revolution breathing down there neck. A lovely game of charades was suggested to solve this, but this is WRESTLING. You guys are going to beat the hell out of each other and like it.
Rules: Standard tag match. Remember the tag ropes.
Word Limit: 5500
Send To: chirs3
USJL TITLE MATCH
TRIPLE IMPACT MATCH
Candace vs David Cross©
Much to everyone's surprise, Candace has put together a pretty set of victories and has established herself into a midcard contender. Candace will get a shot at gold here against David Cross, the new USJL champeen.
Rules: Funyon has a an envelope containing a move written inside of it. It can be any move outside of a punch, kick, clothesline or anything so mundane. This includes finishers of anyone on the roster. The first person to successfully do the move three times is the winner.
Word Limit: 5000
Send To: Thoth
SINGLES MATCH
NON-TITLE BOUT
"The Icon" Max King vs "The Superior One" Tom Flesher©
The number one contender to the CW title is, at the current, unknown, buut that doesn't mean the CW champion is going to get the night off. Tom Flesher won't be defending, but he will be up against Max King, who VERY nearly pulled up a big upset against Landon Maddix last show.
Rules: Standard sigles match.
Word Limit: 5000
Send To: chirs3
TAG TEAM MATCH
Nathan Xavier & Manson vs Petey the Irish Penguin & Brian Levy
Ash sucks. Okay, he's not in the match, but Ash sucks. I mean, have you read that Top-25 list on the community board? What the fuck was he thinking, having a kid in the middle of a heel turn? I still can't get over the fact he expected people to give a flying fuck about his personal life, or his 'wife,' which happened to be manifest in little more than 9 point verdana. And his MOVE LIST. I wish it hadn't been lost to the sands of time, because it was always good for a lark. Y'know, this wasn't Top-25 material (unless we do Top-25 upsets), but when he cemented his career and beat Chris Raynor in the first Genesis tournament, much to everyone's chagrin, he won with a move called the Jumping Mew Driver. The fucking Jumping Mew Driver. Raynor was never the same. Man... I guess Ash's dream did come true, though. He's as much of a legend as Edwin ever was, but for all the wrong reasons. Anyway, yeah, this match is... oh dear, I've run out of space.
Rules: Standard tag match. Remember the tag ropes.
Word Limit: 5000
Send To: realitycheck
SINGLES MATCH
Ace Lezaire vs Justin Bowers
Canada's greatest export, outside of maple syrup, has been doing quite well for himself recently, up to and including a BIG win over hall-of-famer Mark Stevens on the last show. Lezaire will take on Justin Bowers here, a fit oppertunity to haze some semi-rookie SCUM.
Rules: Standard singles match.
Word Limit: 4000
Send To: Grand Slam
SINGLES MATCH
Ced Ordonez vs Munich©
Munich and Ced face off in the opening match of the night, which had a longer description a while ago. Ah well. They try to pump up the crowd and go for the 'W' to kick off Smarkdown.
Rules: Singles match
Word Limit: 4000
Send To: Thoth
(Send all things to... well... me. realitycheck)
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An idea devised by Strangler and myself about a week ago, we came up with the great idea of leading up to Genesis with a series of ESPN-esque Top-25 lists, recounting the greatest this and that, and worst this and that in SWF history. This is the first list in the installment; suggested, voted on and put together by a panel of verterans. It's ever changing, so if you're a veteran, be on the lookout: You may be asked to join in for the next list!
As great as this fed is, it has also been home to some of the most inane, ridiculous and downright idiotic ideas some of us have ever born witness to. Before we recount any of the great things that have happened, we felt it was best to begin with WHY we should be so thankful for the great effort and ideas that have been poured into the SWF over five years by looking at the WORST ideas that have been poured into it over five years. Please remember that the list was majority voted on, so it isn't concrete, and discussion is welcomed. If you happen to be up here... well... keep in mind it's all in good fun.
ON THE PANEL: Zed, The Boston Strangler, Insane Luchador, Chris Wilson, Tyler McClelland, Judge Mental, Manson, Chris Raynor
WRITING THE LIST: Zed, The Boston Strangler, Judge Mental, Edwin MacPhisto, GOdrea, Tyler McClelland, Mercury.
A big thanks to all of you. Now.. the TOP 25 STUPIDEST MOMENTS IN SWF HISTORY!
#25: Chris Wilson....Being Accompanied By Dan Marino And HBK?
"Who Needs A Bodyguard When You Can Have A 43 Year Old Quarterback?"
-In the early days of the IGNWF, real-life wrestling celebrities turned up from time to time, most notably Trish Stratus as Jayson G's ring escort. However, Chris Wilson managed to eclipse all the others with his two ring escorts, the lovely and talented....Shawn Michaels and Dan Marino? Indeed, it rang out every match he wrote, "Being accompanied to the ring by Dan Marino and Shawn Michaels, from Miami Florida..." The two men accompanied Chris Wilson to the ring for months, and occassionally interjected themselves into the action. However, Wilson soon figured out the stupidity of this idea, and took Marino and Michaels out of active duty. Normally, something so inane is enough to fill a quota for a career, but Wilson is a truly exceptional case, as this list will surely prove.
#24: The Punk Rockstar
“…Isn’t Punk Rockstar a contradiction...?”
-Back in 2002, there was a tool in the JL named Matt Myers. This wrestler had been around forever, but never got any higher than maybe upper-midcard. Nearing the end of his umpteenth gimmick, he got a fluke victory over reigning champion Judge Mental. With his title win, Myers decided it was time for another gimmick to ‘freshen up’ his character. The next show, Myers had changed from the crazy evil heel ‘Poisyn’ into the new Ska Sensation, wacky face “Punk Rockstar” Matt Myers. The only thing more absurd than the sudden face turn was his moveset, in which he named all his signature moves after Ska Bands (Less than Splash, New Found Diamond Cutter). The culmination of this short-lived stupidity was his first title defense against Mike Van Siclen in a “Wallet Chain from Hell” match; essentially a Texas Chain match with a 10 Foot Long wallet chain. The match was a bomb, only notable for Matt winning after the special referee (Judge Mental) made MVS tap out for an unconscious Myers. His title reign came crashing to an end soon after, with Mental injuring him in the rematch to both take his title back and end Myers’ career.
#23: Brimstone's Murderous Promo
"It Was A Dream....Or A Fantasy...Or Something...But Now I'm Champ!"
-Long before he was Johnny Dangerous, and WAY before he somehow became SWF Champion, he was Brimstone in the IGNJL. And Brimstone...well, Brimstone was quite a character. Brimstone was a genetically-altered superhuman created by the United States military system who was trained to break everything in his path. And one day, when he was upset with a match he was booked in, Brimstone's murderous side was unleashed. In a "dream promo" that Brimstone wrote, we witnessed the brutal beatings of Jay Dawg, Mistress Sarah, and Munich, followed by him lighting the room they had been knocked out in on fire. But it was OK, since it was a dream. Or something. This was quickly responded to by Mistress Sarah, who wrote an even MORE interesting follow-up. However, Brimstone committing murder in his "fantasy" promo will forever be remembered as one of the stupidest moments in SWF history. This is one of the moments that makes you wonder how he won the biggest belt the fed has to offer.
#22: The Bemani Cross Wizards
"From Necromancer To Video Game Dancer!"
-Throughout most of his run in the IGNJL, IGNWF, and SWF, Thoth's name was synonomous with the Clan, one of the longest-lasting stables in the federation's history. They personified everything that was dark, evil, and absolutely absurd about the SWF. However, towards the end of Thoth's run, he became a much different person. He first became Orochi, a demon who seemingly hated EVERYTHING, and then made a leap that made even LESS sense: He started a tag team with perennial SWF doormat Ced Ordonez named the Bemani Cross Wizards, who were devoted to the extremely uncool game of Dance Dance Revolution. Thoth and Ced teamed and even became SWF Tag Team Champions, but why Thoth changed from Evil Japanese Syndicate Cult Guy to Crazy Happy Japanese Dancer Guy was never truly explained. However, this is easily the best DDR-based tag team that has ever competed in the SWF.
#21: Annie Flips
"A perfect 10 over the bucket of AIDS!"
- Annie Eclectic has always been one of the more fascinating characters in fed history, the most notable reasons being ones she'd rather forget. Countless retirements and comeback attempts, heel and face turns, stable defections and bizzare angles litter her career, and yet, she is the most successful female wrestler of all-time. About the one constant in her career was the fact she was written as the only openly gay character ever, but in the summer of 2002, even that was set to change.
Annie was a member of a revised version of XF9, having their first and only tour of duty in the SWF, an angle was took place that involved then babyface Eclectic turning on her stable and joining the opposing Magnificent 7, because of... a love affair with Chris Wilson? As improbable as it was, Annie would become Wilson's surrogate trophy wife and sex kitten, completely going against a year and a half of very concrete character history. As doomed to failure as this was, it was accelerated by Wilson's quick retirement soon after, leaving Annie in character limbo -- and rushing to make sure no-one could remember any of this EVER happening. Worse yet? This wouldn't even be the most infamous moment of her career...
#20: The Savior
"He Can Save the Fed, He Can Save Your Soul, But I Guess He Can't Save His Own Angle"
Devised by the incomprable Outcast and Divefire, the Savior was an angle that appeared quite literally out of no-where in late 2002, and disappeared just as quickly. The Savior's debut promo is famous: Holding up Mercury in his hotel room at GUN POINT, the Savior discusses about how he's discovered that the world is full of people out for themselves, soudning not quite so far removed from a teenager who just got dumped by his first girlfriend, and insists that he's come to save the IGNWF, and the Mercury will be the first to help him. The real meat of the Savior's story was his unbelieveably intolerable additude out of character, and the fact he looked like a cheap Clan rip-off and seemed quite content to not face up to that.
In reality, Outcast and Divefire intended the angle to go much deeper than it ever did, but their antics both in and out of character led to the Savior being built up higher than the Empire State Building, and with that kind of pressure, it was inevitable the angle would fail with the wave of snarky 'I told you so' responses that were locked, cocked and ready to be unleashed. A few promos followed the first, but it never amounted to much of anything, and the Savior and his delusions of grandeur fall-in at number 20 on our list.
#19: Hell in a Pokeball
"Stupid Gimmickon... I CHOOSE YOU!"
-One of the most famously absurd gimmick matches ever actually contested between two of the most absurd characters ever devised, Hell in a Pokeball clocks in at number nineteen on our list. Fought between the Pokemaster and Ash Ketchum, TWO different characters that had Pokemon gimmicks, the match involved a pokeball-esque cake being suspended above the ring, and the match taking place within it. Ash would previal in this most memorable matchup, standing out as perhaps the most inane moment in all of Ash's outrageous career.
#18: Angel's Title Shots
"Every Time You Ring A Bell, Angel Gets Another Main Event"
-In the beginning, no-showing wasn't so much a problem. That is, of course, unless you count Angel. Angel was a character that was married to JaysonG's daughter, Anna Rowan, or so it was revealed on the IGNWF's Corporate Christmas PPV. Amazingly, though Anna had barely been a fixture anyone had ever heard of in the fed, and Angel was booked haphazardly on cards, he was handed a title shot in a 'surprise' main event.
And he no-showed.
As if that wasn't bad enough, he was handed several more title shots.
...he never showed. It became sort of sad, because everyone started to wonder when Angel's next title shot would come up. Eventually they stopped, but not after recieving no less than four baseless oppertunities to win the big belt. Angel himself would fade away shortly into 2001, but his legend burns brightly still. It goes to show that while an angel can fly, they most certainly can't write.
#17: X/Thugg + Amnesia
"Holla if you remember this ish, yo!"
-Thugg and X were seemingly perpetually feuding for their entire careers; it was pretty logical, as it was something that dated back to the very beginnings of their characters. Thugg was X's dawg, and then he turned on him to win the IGNJL title. As Thugg evolved, he himself became smarter and more manipulative, although he could never change the fact that X was going to hold his grudge against him forever.
At least, not until this angle.
Keen on ignoring Foley's Law about amnesia angles, X and Thugg worked out a plan that involved X being involved in a mysterious and debilitating motorcycle crash that caused him to lose all his memory, especially all of his history with Thugg. Thugg appeared, for some mysterious reason, to be oddly sympathetic to X's plight, and promised to help him through it... and in X becoming Thugg's dawg, he even began to speak in ebonics. In a bizzare twist, the evil Suicide King, seeing an oppertunity, would manipulate X himself and reveal that, somehow, Thugg was actually responsible for his horrible crash, using him to win the world title off of the big man. And just like that, X's memory was regained, and he changed back into the fun-lovin' ladie's man he'd always been without much urging. As strange and odd as it seems, this wouldn't be the only time X had undergone a deep seeded psychological transformation with no ill to show for it.
#16: Hollyanna Rose Craven
“Rosemisty's Baby…”
There is much to be said about the hatred of the character and the gimmick, Ash Ketchum. Almost universally hated by many people, it was often taken to extreme lengths to try to make this character get over as a credible face. This is the final, and perhaps most pathetic attempt at that. Thinking that a pregnancy angle would be the best way to garner up face sympathy, Ash decided 9 months in advance to plan out a massive angle around his… ahem… “wife”, Misty. Before this angle would reach completion, the fed was subject to numerous stupid promos trying to win over support for the character and even a feud that would involve one of the stupidest things not to make this list, the “Stash the Ash” match. Eventually, after a horrible abortion of a promo (which, sadly, did not involve the pregnancy), Ash decided to change gimmicks and turn heel so as to stop all the criticism about his character. Of course, he forgot about one little thing… The kid. The kid came out right in the middle of his turn, which essentially put him back into goofy motherfucker mode, and utterly screwing up anything good that could have happened. His first mistake was naming the child: “anna” and “Rose” are the names of two SWF Lesbian Community members Ash desperately wanted (To the point of saying that he splashed around in the bathtub hoping to be turned into a girl to get a chance with these women). Secondly, it turned him into an even more unwritable pseudo-tweener character that was an obvious ripoff of the great Edwin MacPhisto. Not only that, after months of irritation, Ash, once again under immense bitching from the rest of the fed, finally put away the face act and the kid, ending one of the most irritating storylines in federation history.
#15: Wrathapalooza
"This is what happens when people call Gund Arena 'overbooked'..."
It was the summer of 2002, and the JL was in the midst of a bit of a membership drought. Newbies were dropping off left and right as the Junior League was in the midst of a championship tourney. With complaints about the Cleveland’s Gund Arena being overused, booker Longdogger Pete decided to switch it up a bit. Inventing a small story about the Ice Palace in Tampa rejecting them at the last second, Pete decided to book the event someone’s backyard. Namely, Ash Ketchum’s backyard. Yes, the Longdogger decided that the best place for hundreds of wrestling fans to congregate was the demented fantasy palace of a sad anime freak. The card contained a pie eating constest between Edwin, King, and Axis, a Hide and Seek match with the God of Thunder Thor and jobber Y2K, and ended up with a “Hell in a Swimming Pool” match for the World Title between Renegade and CIA. Off the card was an incredibly stupid “MTV’s Cribs” episode starring Spike Jenkins, claiming the house was his (Why one would want to boast the biggest collection of Poke-plush dolls, though, is beyond logic).It will forever go down as one, if not the, most inanely stupid card ever booked in JL, ML, or WF history.
#14: JD Main Events Genesis III
“Dude, where's my buildup?"
Genesis III is considered perhaps one of the greatest, if not the greatest, show in SWF history. In the lead-up to it, we had seen the Midnight Carnival, the Magnificent 7, and the Clan all battle for supremacy, leading up to some of the most incredible rivalries and match-ups ever: Edwin vs. Raynor, Thoth vs. Silent, Sacred vs. Axis, Wilson vs. Divefire. All of this was leading up to a Main Event, in which El Luchadore Magnifico would be defending his title against a mystery man. There were many guesses: Some thought of Rane, others said the Suicide King or Mark Stevens. And a few hoped for the legendary Cyclone Comet to come back for what was turning out to be a show for the ages. Instead… we got JD. For all the build-up in the world with every other match, the mystery man was someone who had little to do with ELM and anything he had done the entire summer. So, after all the incredible finishes to storylines, Genesis III ended with no-build mystery man match that, frankly, wasn’t near the best on the card.
#13: The IGNWO
"Meet The New Boss; Same As The Old Boss"
-The immortal Austin/McMahon and original nWo angles have a lot to answer for, mainly the fact that with their exceptions, takeover angles and ownership angles have never been any good, either in real wrestling or in e-fed wrestling. The IGNWO, with it's unoriginal premise and even less original name, was more proof of this. In the spring of 2001, the IGNWF was 'sold' by majority owner Jayson Grant to an ambiguous company named "The Firm," its Japanese origins clearly noted. A chairman by the name of Shinji Nobunaga, a new character that was inteded to be a secret ringer, but almost everyone knew immediately was Jayson, was appointed by the Firm and sent to inspect the federation. During the Crossfire PPV, after the main event, Nobunaga's TRUE INTENTIONS were revealed and his own personal henchmen were formed into the IGNWO, a group of fading legends given another oppertunity by Nobunaga, included Pimp Daddy Sarp, Mercury, Chris Wilson, Spike and Rane, both making nonsensical heel turns to join the stable. Their goal was simple: With the new chairman behind them, they'd dominate the fed.
Unfortunately, the stable only seemed to accelerate how fast the group faded away, as they failed to make any substantial waves despite having more hype than Jesus, and were continally bested by the likes of the Midnight Carnival at every turn. Eventually, the struggling stable would be forced to merge with the rapidly rising Chris Wilson, who would cut the dead weight, allowing Nobunaga and his Firm to thankfully fade into the annals of history, fed ownership not referenced again until another infamous moment...
#12: Merc’s Ear
“You ever listen to K-Billy's "Super Sounds of the Seventies" weekend? It's my personal favorite…”
-In November of 2002, dark and mysterious promos began popping up on the board and in shows leading up to Ashes to Ashes. No one quite knew what to make of it, especially after the recent fall of the Japanese/Gothic stable known as the Clan. The person never showed themselves until a few shows before AtA: Sigil, a massive, bald-headed monster. Sigil had some promise, but all of it was to go down the drain at AtA. It was there that, backstage, Sigil randomly attacked Mercury, and, for no apparent reason, ripped his ear off. Not cut, not lacerated, ripped it clean off with his hand. This was soon followed by Tom Flesher finding Mercury and, while doing his best Horatio impression, vowed that “this will not go unanswered…” This inane promo resulted in a short feud with Judge Mental and Sigil, in which Judge unceremoniously defeated Sigil and tossed him to the wayside forever like a lonely, detached aural flap.
#11: Let's Get It On
"OOC Must Stand For 'Out-Of-Cookie' Now..."
-Perfect Bo has always been an interesting writer, but the most interesting moment in his character's history came over a three week span in spring 2002. Writing a complex, confusing, though interesting series of over a half-dozen promos, it covered Bo's personal life, family life, son, a gunfight(!) with Thugg, and closed out with a graphic sex scene, the only in fed history. Though an interesting bit of work, the promos had one key problem: Bo retired three times in the span of three weeks, and virtually nothing covered in the promo had anything to do with the SWF itself. Concluded after the final promo and forgotten almost immediately afterwards, the sex scene remains one of the most bizzare and inexplicable moments written in the SWF. This is one of the few moments that has happened in the TSM era.
#10: Ash Tray Murder
"Because Sometimes Lung Cancer Is Just Too Slow"
-The background to the Clan has always been purposely enigmatic to enhance its dark image, and as cliche as it frequently was, it was probably just as well; whenever the Clan's founder, Spider Nekura, actually did try to expand on any backstory, it usually ended up... rather embarassing.
A standout moment occured in late spring 2002, in which Spider wrote a promo about meeting with millionare benefactors of the Clan in a board room in Tokyo. As if the idea that the Clan was not only an international clandestine cult wasn't hard enough to believe -- with their main focus being a wrestling federation, despite this -- Spider would KILL one of the benefactors with an ashtray, after being insulted. It's a little surprising that with all this influence, power and the ability to get away with murder, Spider never actually managed to win a singles title within the WF.
#9: McCheese = McJesus?
"The Passion Of the Mayor"
-Mayor McCheese. The name brings back memories of great cruiserweight action. But those memories are soon overpowered by memories of an incredibly stupid angle.
Mayor McCheese and all of the Phoenix Uprising (Which consisted of MM, Rane, and Pimp Daddy Sarp) were feuding with Prime Evil (Consisting of Madrac, Molock, Angelous, and Exploding Chicken) at the time. Most heated of all was McCheese and Chicken. It was classic evil, sadistic heels taking on brave, morally right faces. And in that exchange, the sadistic heels usually win. And on one fateful IGNite, it was truer than ever before, and perhaps ever again. As the memories are a bit hazy, I’ll bypass the specifics of why McCheese was in the ring, but he was. As expected, Prime Evil soon joined him. What followed shocked all those who read. A standard heel beatdown occurred, but it didn’t stop with McCheese laid out on the mat, or bleeding, or carted away on a stretcher. Nay, that any of those would have been lucky for the Mayor, but his luck ran out on that night. The Mayor was subjected to the ultimate in evil heel actions. Crucifixion. He was not tied to a symbol of sorts. Nails were driven into his flesh and through the wood, and one into his heart. McCheese was dead and the IGNWF mourned.
Now comes the completely insane part. Actually, promos involving Mr. Galatea and the ghost of McCheese and then ghost Galatea and ghost McCheese followed. But soon after that, insanity. McCheese revealed to the world that his death was staged in order for him to escape from his hectic pro wrestling life. The nails Exploding Chicken drove into his flesh were simply props.
#8: Lady Red
"Apparently, She Just Locked Annie In The Closet For A Few Weeks..."
-The most memorable heel turn in all of Annie Eclectic's career would be her historic first. At the end of her amazing 10 match winning streak that began her career, she began to write Annie a little darker and more distant, eventually culminating her defection from JL face stable XF9 and into the Clan, assuming the 'Lady Red' character. It would lead into her eventual promotion to the SWF. And then it all went horribly wrong.
Despite being hailed as a rookie destined for great things, her 10 match winning streak in the JL was met by a 10 match LOSING streak in the WF, something that couldn't be explained for the life of anyone. Annie, however, gave it the ol' college try. In a nonsensical twist, it was revealed that Lady Red had not been Annie, but rather, her demented twin sister Allison! Who was not only insane in the membrain, but, apparently, a pacifist as well. Though this unbelievable swerve was even harder to swallow than her losses, the resulting face turn did allow Annie to get her career on track.
#7: The Ownership Angle
"Man! We're talking about wrestling, man! It doesn't need to logical, aight?"
-The old timers' angle that led up to Genesis IV last year was a doozy, no doubt about it. Left sleeping for a long time, the ownership of the SWF/IGNWF hadn't been brought into storylines since it'd first been a fixture of the IGNWO. This was set to change, however, as a confrontation between legends set the stage for some of the more ludicrous events in recent memory.
Originally beginning with the Firm wishing to sell their core interest in the SWF, Mark Stevens and the HVille Thugg came to rescue, each buying two thirds of the the Firm's share. Immediately thereafter, the perks of ownership seemed to go straight to Thugg's head, which was further compounded by the appearance of Thugg's never-before-heard-of brother, Bastion, who was big, tough, mute, and generally a perfect replication of Thugg's early JL character, right down to being allowed to tear through the roster and even beat up Mark Stevens himself, in a highly questioned part of the angle. Though Bastion was stinky, the angle was set to become even more ridiculous: Gaping plot holes would appear with how Thugg's shares added up and exactly what kind of power being owner entailed, which would lead to a famous diatribe from Thugg on how logic didn't matter in wrestling. The quality of the angle declined even further as Thugg tired of Bastion quickly and, despite being made to look bigger than King Kong, he was dropped without another word and Thugg put himself back into action... despite having a critical neck injury that should've prevented him from ever walking again! Another sharp turn in the storyline's road revealed the Suicide King to be the man that bought the final third of the SWF's controlling interest, and things were set for a showdown between the three men at Genesis... which suddenly became a match between wrestlers selected by the three, battling it out for the men they represented with the fed's commissionership on the line. Mark would win, Thugg and King would fade to the background, and the angle would go down as yet another milestone in these three men's illustrious career... for all the wrong reasons.
#6: Skull Radio
"...*khzzzzt* purple flame to brass hat... no bus no *kzzzt*..."
-As this list has proven, the SWF and IGNWF has been home to bad angles, dumb angles, offensive angles and downright ludicrous ones. And then there are a special breed of ideas that make a person stop and say "...wtf." This would truly be one of them. The Clan, for all of its cliche evil nature, included a complex relationship between 'The Balancer' Thoth, and 'The Slaughterer' Silent. The two key members of the stable, beside leader Spider Nekura, began a power struggle that led to an epic feud, in which titles were not the only prizes on the line. Though Silent was IGNML champion, the richest treasure was the conversion and recruitment of fresh blood into the Clan, and the allegience of rookies to one man or the other.
A charming angle in its own right, but Thoth felt it could use a little more... spice. Reacting to Silent's promos of brainwashing Christian Fury into the Clan, Thoth came up with a brilliant idea to subject to new Clannie John Kruger: A a radio transmitter would be planted into his skull, sending messages telling him to remain faithful to the Clan and owe his allegience to Thoth. This genius angle was dropped faster than a hot potato, but its asinine legend had continued to live on, immortalizing itself in the number six spot on our list.
#5: eXodus
"Oh God (literally)"
-One of the grandest misfires the fed has ever seen, impressive for its ambition and sad for its overextension. After his run as a triple-title holder in the JL, the high-flying face Xstasy was bumped to the WF at 2001’s inaugural From the Fire pay-per-view. He was considered a lock to win the light heavyweight title and cruise to the top of the fed, but it wasn’t meant to be. The same night of his debut, X began an angle where the character’s mother died, sending Xstasy spiraling into a deep depression. He began to hallucinate, briefly disappeared…
…and came back in a metal mask.
eXodus was Xstasy, but with a weird religious twist. He wore a metal mask, spoke in frightening, biblical vagaries, and considered himself a weird savior conducting rites over the fate of the fed. His first match in the altered persona showed a heap of promise – it ended with the debut of the super-sweet whipback kick, and read faster and more intense than X’s earlier work. Unfortunately, the story behind it all torpedoed any chance of success.
Here are the details. X’s original plan for the angle was as follows. The eXodus story was supposed to be a fed-wide angle. An apocalypse was coming – a fed-wide war between X’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and another group of four that eXodus believed to be all evil and not-righteous and crap. Edwin was going to be one member of the opposition (or so X told him once, while Edwin just kinda nodded and said, uh, yeah, sure, whatever)…and no one had any idea who’d complete the “other side” in the war. And no one knew what the “Apocalypse” was supposed to entail either, except that it was…apocalyptic? In fact, nobody except X knew anything about what was supposed to happen, and even that’s questionable. This lack of planning and commitment was the biggest problem – X’s first “horseman” was Harbinger, a guy who won something like 5 matches ever. X renamed him “Reason.” Apostle was the next choice, and he was actually a good call…but after that, there was no one. Team Evil stalled at 3. The eXodus angle needed about 10 people to sign on to even get off the ground, and no one was budging. Whoops.
It wasn’t helped by the fact that the Horsemen wrote attack promos without people’s permission. Normally, a little beat-em-up here and there wouldn’t be a problem, but when you have fucking Harbinger attacking World Title Contender Bobby Riley and knocking him out no problem, something’s a little out of sorts. Within two months, the entire fed had turned on the angle. eXodus couldn’t find another horseman or win a match to save his soul, and the Midnight Carnival had taken to superkicking him in his metal face and filling every match with about sixteen “CLANG!” jokes. The mysterious promos stopped being mysterious and started being irritating as everyone realized that the angle was dead in the water, indefinitely. What was supposed to be one of the fed’s first truly epic, serious storylines turned into one of its goofiest skewerings. By August, Reason had retired, Apostle had left and returned as a chain-swinging anti-hero, and happy-dancin', maskless Xstasy had returned.
#4: Rane's Growth Spurt
"Balco ain't got NOTHIN' on this shit."
-So, remember the days when a growth spurt occured seemingly overnight and you looked down, saw some hair down there, and realized you were a man? If you're TBS, probably not. But for the rest of us, we all think of that period in our lives fondly. Most of us got our first action during that period, and we certainly aquired our current voice pitch and we didn't grow 13 inches and 200 pounds in a week. Somehow, though, our third world champion--a man who would be a first-ballot hall-of-famer and one of the most dominating forces in the history of the IGN/SWF--did. Be it through steroids or platform shoes, the legend managed to pack on a few... hundred pounds and shoot up the beanstalk about a foot, literally overnight. And the great part about it all is that precisely NO ONE mentioned it ever happening again in the future. Or maybe it was just so stupid that it deserved to be in the top five stupidest moments in SWF history.
#3: Red Storm Rising Conquers The IGNJL
"Because The InVasion Was So Successful, We Needed Our Own!"
-Towards the end of 2001, the IGNJL was in a state of flux, having lost most of its main eventers to the IGNWF. With a lack of talent at the top, Brimstone, who had created a stable titled Red Storm Rising, managed to convince JLCC and the current World Champion, The Boston Strangler, to allow Red Storm Rising to take over the IGNJL. They renamed the shows, Brimstone became the champion, and the Red Storm Reich was born...for about three shows. Due to Brimstone instantly disappearing as soon as he had won the belt, the rest of the Red Storm Rising stable quit on him, leaving the JL with almost no heels, no World Champion, and a total clusterfuck of an angle. The belt was quickly transitioned back to the Boston Strangler and Brimstone disappeared for months, eventually resurfacing with a new character, known as Johnny Dangerous. However, a World Title win is not enough to erase the memories of Brimstone's glorious vision of a Red Storm Reich that was approximately as successful as a Pat Buchannan presidential run.
#2: El Luchadore Magnifico Impales Chris Wilson's Hands With Flags
"It's Only A Flesh Wound!"
-One of the most controversial angles in IGNWF/SWF history was the original World Title Tournament held leading into Genesis II. Chris Wilson held the belt, and sat on it for over a month while everyone else battled for the right to face him in the main event. It ended with what people consider as one of the greatest match-ups of all time in the federation's history: Chris Wilson vs. Stubby McWeed vs. Axis vs. Neilsen of the Jungle vs. King of Hearts vs. El Luchadore Magnifico. However, the ending was one of the most contrived moments ever witnessed. El Luchadore Magnifico took a pair of Mexican flags and stabbed them through Chris Wilson's hands, pinning him to the mat. He then went to the top rope and hit the Mexican Pride Press (because multiple stab wounds won't get the job done, but a flying slam will) for the win to become IGNWF World Champion. This huge upset began the meteoric rise of ELM to the top echelon of the SWF's performers, but his first World Title victory will always be remembered for this unreal moment rather than overcoming five other men in perhaps the most competitive main event in history.
#1: Chris Wilson Blows Up FAO Schwartz
"Carnies in Toyland"
-The man who opened the list, poetically, closes it out with the unanimously voted number one stupidest moment in federation history. It happened during the fed’s first year, but it remains one of the most outlandish and glorious events to ever occur within its hallowed frame. In July of 2001, Chris Wilson blew up FAO Schwartz.
Wilson was just getting into the evil mastermind character that would define his career. He’d held the hardcore gamer’s championship for two months, just started up a stable with the Hville Thugg and Spider Nekura, and was in position to start making a run towards the upper titles. Recently, Wilson’s stable had traded shots in a prank war with the Midnight Carnival, who had lovingly named their opposition “Wilson’s Meat Festival.” This was the classic Carnival – the King of Hearts, Mark Stevens, Edwin MacPhisto, Chris Raynor, and Spark. In terms of prankiness, any heel would be outmatched, even one who wrote as many promos as Wilson. So, Wilson went big. Really, really big.
“Carnies in Toyland” was a whimsical, silly promo – Wilson and company led the Carnies through a funhouse o’ horrors in New York’s most famous toy store. Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot style boxing, a panda deluge, and lots of ridiculous walkie talkies. It was all going along well…until Wilson had a bomb. The Carnies had to evacuate everyone from the store! Wilson pressed the detonator! The fed’s dignity was blown to ooey gooey smithereens!
Anyone who’s been to FAO Schwarz knows that it takes up multiple stories and fills nearly an entire city block. Now, picture a bunch of wrestlers in casual dress leaping out of exploding windows to safety while ANOTHER wrestler laughs maniacally a few blocks away, clutching a detonator in the middle of the summer. Try to not to pee yourself. Wilson did a lot of crazy things, but never again would he hit this peak. People talk about a post-9/11 world, but for the SWF, it’s post-FAO Schwarz. After something that had less to do with wrestling than anything that had come before it, it was open season on anything. Lesson learned: commit the LARGEST-EVER ACT OF DOMESTIC TERRORISM ON UNITED STATES’ SOIL, and the world title can be yours.
And there you have it! The official Top-25 Stupidest Moments to ever occur in the fed's illustrious history. The list was difficult to put together, as well over 50 different ideas were suggested. Some, however, stood out as better than everything else, but just not good enough to crack the 25, so I would like to proudly present the best of the rest!
Dishonorable Mention: Death On Ice
"It's Like Hockey, Only Somehow More Boring!"
-After the Boston Strangler was bumped to the IGNWF, he won the Hardcore Title and began a feud with Munich over the belt. After a lackluster buildup, which bascially consisted of Strangler randomly assaulting Munich and his friends at places outside the SWF arenas, the two agreed to a blowoff match with an interesting stipulation: Death On Ice. Strangler and Munich put on one of the worst matches in SWF history, as they quickly figured out that it was absolutely impossible to have a match take place on ice. After some half-hearted brawling, Strangler won the match, but the readers were the true winners, as they got to laugh at perhaps the stupidest stipulation in SWF history (which has never been heard from again).
Dishonorable Mention: Grahf
"Kahran Ramsus Was Cooler Anyway"
-The IGNWO's big, tough hoss, Grahf was a charcter of Mecury's design and Xenogears' origin. Written as if he'd tear every wrestler on the roster limb from limb, Grahf actally made a decent case from himself at the beginning with surprise victories over Thugg and Mistress Sarah.
And then the wheels came off. Grahf became mired in a no-showing/losing streak of epic proportions, seemingly proposterous given his character history. The most ridiculous moment being a very memorable match against a cardboard cutout of Cyclone Comet... which Grahf LOST. Unbelieveably, a short feud was actually engaged with against the Cardboard Comet, effectively draining any lifeblood out of the once(?) promising character, and sentancing it to a place on this list.
Dishonorable Mention: Neilsen's Rape.
"Neilsen, Outcast, Laura... and a Closet?"
-Neilsen of the Jungle and Outcast. The hatred between these two runs deep. Deeper than most oceanic trenches? Probably not, but definitely deeper than any amount of thinking that Spike Jenkins has had, but that’s not saying much. Regardless of this, the two never liked each other. They were often members of opposing stables, and on the times Cast turned heel, Neilsen was even heelier. This hatred seemed to be on the verge of coming to a head on every show, and it often did. Or something. Anyway, one night, Neilsen was backstage, as was Cast’s current girlfriend, Laura. This was of great significance as she was still alive after three weeks because any woman associated with Outcast seemed to have a nasty habit of being shot by a mugger outside the arena as the two were walking to their car. Back to the story at hand. Neilsen was backstage as was Laura. Outcast might have been there, too, but he was not in the immediate vicinity of Laura. Neilsen, however, was. As things transpired, Neilsen seemed to have raped Laura, a most dastardly deed for any heel!
Accusations were made by Outcast, with Neilsen firmly denying it, and Laura wasn’t saying anything, either. This went on for some time, with everyone wondering if what happened in that closet would be revealed. It never was. Because Outcast is incapable of finishing half of the things he starts, so he’s just a step above Godrea in that category.
Dishonorable Mention: Exploding Chicken and the Straw Dummies
"Kluck, Kluck, Ka-Boo--Kluck, Kluck, Ka-Boo--Kluck, Kluck, Ka-Boo--"
Anyone who knows e-wrestling knows that while it shouldn't be taken too seriously, sometimes it is, and people go way over the line when things go how they don't want them to. And then, there is the entire original roster of the IGNJL, where we didn't take things too seriously. The original JL roster simply ignored the wishes of EVERYONE, leading frequently to disaster. In the beginning, when everyone was first figuring out how to play this game that called e-fedding, the JL had a promo page, where promos were rapid-fired left and right with constant twists and turns. None of it was good enough to go on the main page, to have a thread of it's own. And so, there was a venerable clusterfuck of attacks and counterattacks. And all was well with the internet.
There were two stables in the JL around thist time. There was Prime Evil, founded by Molock and Angelous, and the BIO (Bring-It-On). Focusing on Prime Evil, led by Madrac -- who would later go on to be one of many people who simply vanished without a trace -- there were many attacks on the promo page. And more attacks. And yet MORE attacks. You see, the thing is, the target of most of these attacks was one Exploding Chicken. Not enjoying getting randomly attacked and defaced, he innovated something truly beautiful and inane; straw dummies with tape recorders stuffed up their asses. You see, whenever he was attacked, he would come along some time later and decide, WAIT! That didn't happen. It was a straw dummy! And so was the IGNJL shaped for months the come.
Dishonorable Mention: Midjit's Debut
"Stupid Things Come In Small Packages"
-Midjit may be one of the all-time most idiotic characters in fed history, although his debut is an extra-special event of idiocy. Debuting in a series of promos challanging the world champion and making promises to win the big belt, Midjit was not only a smart mouthed rookie, but a 5'4" joke character that couldn't be taken seriously -- even in the face of some of the other things on this list. His first match, unbeliveably, was a victory that ended with a ladder, a mid-air reversal, and a table spot. As you can imagine, this pedigree led to Midjit being on the very bottom of the ML undercard for some time, until he was finally replaced by Insane Luchador, a 'lifelong friend.'
But the story of Midjit didn't end there, unfortunately. A particularly stupid series of events took place afterwards, including Midjit getting shot, surviving, and then in a shocking swerve, committing suicide, which led to the deranged mental state of IL that we've come to know and love. Midjit may be gone, but his legend lives on.
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And so concludes the list! Stay tuned for most Top-25's in the coming weeks!
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Man, who wrote that stinker of a match in the middle of the show? This Suicidal dude really needs to kick it up a little, because lacklustre efforts like that are never going to cut it if he wants to move up the card. It's probably why I've never heard of him before.
And note to this MacPhisto guy: It's never going to get over. Change gimmicks.
-Z
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Janus, it is His Royal Highness Lord High Kaiser and Heir to the Throne of Essex Glorious Head Booker Mikado King Kron Tsar Emperor His Grace the Most Grim and Frosbitten Grand Pooh-Bah Zed. It's an absolute bitch to get a desk plaque made for that.
50 lashes for forgetting the whole title.
Everyone else, thanks for the birthday wishes. There's one piece of cake left; I'll let y'all fight over it.
-Z
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To take a point from what Kibagami said, a good start to staying sober would be to not parade around your usage or your intentions to quit. Not making a poll like this is as good a beginning as any.
-Z
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Is Spike REALLY fired? When did I become such a dick? Is this kind of shit going to cost me my job someday? And what about scarecrow's brain!?
Stay tuned next week... SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL!
-Z
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Hey, you jerks should come to chat.
(Sorry, Manson, but people will listen to me more than they'll listen to you)
-Z
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Mark Hebner, actually. Earl is the WWE's ref.
And just so you know, I've always felt that Kivell was the senior referee, as he was the first one to ever get a name that was used repeatedly in matches. He used to be the crash test dummy when the fed required a screening match to get in.
-Z
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Yeah, go ahead, Bo.
-Z
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In storyline, King owns 1/3 of the fed and is currently controlling Zenon in an effort to get at Mark. Mark gave the commissioner's job to Zenon on an interim basis, Zenon sucked at it, and was afraid that Mark would rip him apart when he came back. He called King, but as it turned out, Mark wasn't that upset with him. However, King used a Deus Ex in Mark's contract to force him into activity again, and is currently ordering Zenon to give him the stiffest competition possible, against Alex's will.
Out of character, I'm head booker right now, and TNT and Thoth are subordinants. King and Mark are still on staff as markers.
-Z
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I asked GOdrea and Kibagami to write this, and I remember Judge being so pissed about it. But damn it, commissioning people to write no-show matches is way too much fun, whether you're my friends or not.
This is one of the better ones, although it's not quite as memorable as asking Janus to put Ebony into a no-show match for the first time.
-Z
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Please note I've switched up the markers on Davis/Dace and Levy/Bowers because I've found out TNT can't do it for this show. Mike's appearance is a one-time thing because we're stretched pretty thin for this show and I'm supposed be on hiatus.
-Z
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Pwah. Attention whores. I went to an anime con last month, and did I alert the entire fed to my activities? No. Despite the fact I'm even more important and even more people would care? No. Then, did I come back and write a assload of words in a rambling Livejournal post detailing the entire event? No.
...wait. Ah, goddamn it.
-Z
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Columbus, being Columbus, could choke this away in a second. I can't help but think I'm going to Jeff Weaver something.
-Z
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I'll actually put a bet on myself forgetting to submit a draft list, because oh my god do you know how hard it is to find a list of ex-CFL players currently in the NFL? It's madness. I may end up having to draft a legitimate team.
Also, how is it an Australian absolutely slays at fantasy football? Stryke killed 'em dead in the TSM pick 'em pool over the last two seasons.
-Z
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I've edited you in, Mark, as I've forgotten to note that Martin Hunt is currently on haitus. Whoocha.
-Z
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Your inbox is full. Again. Perhaps you'd like to empty it out sometime so I can send the goddamned main event?
-Z
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Yes. Thoth muffed that.
Par for the course today.
-Z
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The card has been heavily edited because of some consistency problems, just as a note.
Oof...
-Z
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The Smartmark's Wrestling Federation Presents...
SWF STORM, LIVE, FRIDAY AUGUST 6th, FROM THE SOLD OUT PEPSI CENTER IN DENVER, COLORADO!
(5pm PCT, 8pm EST; check local listings)
Ground Zero has come and gone, and the fallout is all that remains. The walking wounded have been given an oppertunity to regroup here on Storm, and they should be making the best of it -- Revolution Zero will definitely be all over this show, as they are now a two gold stable, with the Straight-Edge Sensation, Toxxic, the new world champion, and Sean Davis, the new hardcore champion. Expect that one of Toxxic's opponents for the belt, the man he pinned, "The Superior One" Tom Flesher, to not be silent on the issue, either. The new number-one contender, Dace Night, will probably have a thing or two to say as well. PLUS! Mike van Siclen is back in the SWF, and the Masked Man has dutifully kept his half of the tag team championship warm... much to his chagrin. Emotions began to boil over on the PPV, but Commissioner Zenon stepped in -- it seems unlikely any saving grace will be around for them tonight. Also, apperances from Manson, Landon Maddix, Ace Lezaire and more!
Card:
SINGLES MATCH
"The Notorious" John Duran vs "Grand Slam" Mark Stevens
Despite Alexander Zenon's best efforts, the Suicide King has insisted that Mark be put back into action at the soonest possible time. That time, of course, being the show right after the PPV. But a fair man, King has made sure that Mark's first singles match in over two years is an equal-oppertunity rust shaking match, as he will take on former world champion, the return John Duran. I wonder if this is what Duran had in mind when he was told he'd need to beat someone worth it to get his spot back?
Rules: Singles match
Word Limit: 4000
Send To: realitycheck
SINGLES MATCH
"Hollywood" Spike Jenkins vs Edward James
Spike Jenkins is an ex-cruiserweight champion, having lost the title belt to Tom just before Ground Zero. He was not on the PPV, but makes up for it here, facing off against Eddy J, one of the Mall Brawl losers.
Rules: Singles match
Word Limit: 3500
Send To: 5_moves_of_doom
SINGLES MATCH
Nathan Xavier vs David Cross
Two new guys. Sorta. They fight to get the road to Genesis underway! Whoo-cha.
Rules: Singles match
Word Limit: 3000
Send To: Thoth
(Z's note: Mostly a promo show, except for a few matches. Make the best of it.)
(Send everything to Thoth)
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Alright, I've edited in the second part of Maddix's match, and I've given Mark's promo its own post -- it now happens just before the main event. Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, retcon!
I'll make some brief comments myself, too...
- Strangler's Mall Brawl is pretty great, all things considered. He actually asked to be edited into the card after I'd already booked the mall brawl, and I figured "eh, what the hell" and let him get his way. I'm glad I did, as it prevented the match from being a default win, as depressing as that is. Anyway, you can see that TBS hasn't written a match for about eight months, but it's still got a ton of high points. My favourite spot was probably the Cutthroat spot, and anything involving the Yankees fan. Golden.
And this was essentially a one-night-stand, guys, so don't worry about it.
- Obviously, I also think a round of applause is in order for Toxxic, who seemed destined to walk out of this PPV with the belt, and that's pretty much what happened. The match in itself is very, very good, although I honestly felt it was overlong, and was very difficult to read at times. In my mind, the whole match is just a statement of how far Toxxic has come and how fast he's gotten there. It's the MOTN without any question (Right, Dace?), so everyone should read it.
- Congrats are further in order for Davis, who impresses me more every day, Manson, who needs to keep this shit up, Landon, who needs to never write a match that long again, and 42nd Street, for being 42nd Street.
- And just so everyone is clear on it, No-Show Count: 11. Not cool, guys. Not cool at all. That is embarassing.
Card will be up pretty soon.
-Z
Top-25 Stupidest Moments in Fed History!
in Community/General
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The nutbite and Wilson/Sarah were two things we glossed over, and now that I'm reminded, it is a shame; both would've made the list, I think, although probably not much higher than 20.
As for some of the other belated suggestions, well... I think Tyler offered up the Messiah's crucifixion, but no-one could remember it clearly enough to factcheck it. Stubby was tossed around, but ultimately, I think it's really, really hard to put Stubby on the list because from the fed's innaguration to his retirement he was essentially second to none in terms of writing talent. Merc giving himself the title was disqualified because it was 'stricken from the record,' and we decided that the only things that were allowed to make this list were things that happened in kayfabe. They had to be an official part of SWF cano... uh, on the record.
And Mark, I'm sorry if seeing the commissionership angle on the list upsets you, but the big thing that really sunk it onto the list was Bastion and Thugg no-selling his neck injury (for the second time!). It just all kind of tied together, so...
-Z