WrestlingDeacon

Ok, now the Niggar Family was hysterical. I was laughing so hard I was crying. That actually reminds me of an idea for a bit or something I had. You have a band named Spick, Kike, Wop Nigger, but it's the last names of the people in the group, like on drums you have Frank Kike and on bass is Jimmy Spick.

WacArnold's is the worst pun I've ever heard, but it cracked me up. The Gallagher skit was horrible. Maybe that's because I've seen Gallagher twice and find him to be very funny and Dave's bit was anywhere near to how a real Gallagher show it like. And it wasn't Gallagher's twin brother he sold the act too, just his brother. And all he sold his brother was the old jokes and junk he retired in the mid ninties. Although that's a lot of the stuff he's known for.

Eddie Griffin starred in the movie, but Dave was in it. He was Conspiracy Brother. He was the guy who thought that everything was a plot to hold down the black man. Then it turns out he was the informer to the white man. It was a bit more than a cameo, a smaller supporting role.

Yeah, even if a film doesn't play in the designated theaters in the US for Oscar consideration, if it's still released in theaters anywhere in the US it can only be considered for that given year. There have been a few blips of weirdness in the past, but Bubba Ho-Tep probably wouldn't fall through the cracks. For instance, City of Gold which recieved several nominations this year, was actually released last year, but didn't hit American theaters until this year.

Negrodemus is one of the funniest damn names I've ever heard. Plus, Dave sold out to the white man in Undercover Brother.

And he also oddly played a fake Sting once, to help SID gain the drop on him at Halloween Havoc.

Now thanks to Tom I have the sweet Eel banner in my sig. The job train is gathering Eel-mentum.

In the Clusterfuck match I wrote last year I think I had Xero just DDT everything that moved, then trip over his own feet and fall out of the ring.

I'm all about old school horror, so I've at least heard of most of those. Yeah, I would question the quality, but it's not like you're going to find most of that stuff in better quality elsewhere. If you just want the movies and the honor of having a huge freaking box set taking up shelf space to impress the chicks, there you go.

I think that dude vaguely looks like the Anvil, but it's clearly not him in my eyes.

Hey, King why don't you put a freeze on the stats to keep the douchetards from fucking with people. Especially the first two guys in the CF. It almost seems like they're doing this on purpose to mess with people. MVS, you will now be the second person the Eel punches out of the ring after Craven.

A B movie? When is a documentary considered a B movie? It is the only documentary I saw this year, but I thought it was great. It was robbed damnit!! If you're trying to make some bad joke about Bubba Ho-Tep being "real," you have serious fucking problems. In order to be eligible for Oscar consideration a film has to play in one of several designated theaters in LA or New York. While Bubba Ho-Tep has recieved very limited release (due to there only being seven copies in exsitence) I'm pretty sure it did play in one of those theaters as it had extended engagements in both those cities for various film festivals and such. They are currently exploring a major studio picking the film up for wider distribution and home commercial production. It wasn't so much that Bubba Ho-Tep was a B-movie, it just didn't have any major studio behind it pushing it.

and he was a long time partner of WAHOO MCDANIELS.

I'm staring down the barrel of 1171. I'm halfway through the first segment. I'm going in late to work today due to the weather, so I'm going to try to bang out a little more right now. Yeah, I have a job and I write a column on 411 and I have friends and pussy and magical fizzy lifting drinks to occupy my time, but the Memphis Eel shall be triumphant. Oh yes he will!

I would say screw it. If you use his old entrances and stats or what not, I'm sure the markers will overlook it. It's not like they go and check to make sure you got every last thing right. Especially after the fact that he made the edits at the last moment. For this, The Memphis Eel punches you out of the ring first.

Yeah, I marked out like a bitch for that. I did not mark out for Arn jobbing to the RENEGADE in what he personally called the lowest moment of his career.

While people are just throwing random shit out there. What about Bruce Campbell for Bubba Ho Tep. I've heard the movie was awesome and his Elvis is one of the best ever.

I learned my lesson from last time. Here is the direct emailed question: "But for the question I had, I saw the kung fu movie on TV once, and I've always wanted to rent it, but I forgot it's name. Basically it's about two friends who enter some town, and one joins the army, while the other doesn't. The one's who joins the army goes on to become evil and they end up fighting. Do you know the name?" The description is real vague for me and doesn't ring a bell. Preliminary research uncovered nothing. Any info at all would be helpful. Thanks.

I'm sure I could work some sort of pun out of your misspelling, but I'm tired. David Flair's only action in the WWE was getting beaten up by THE UNDERTAKER to draw Flair out for Wrestlemania a couple years ago.

I think last year most everyone was topping out a little over 20,000 words. I would say the same this year. However, if you write a really tight match I think that could win as I found my match a lot of others to be very rambling and unwieldy in spots. I have no idea what mine is going to look like this year, but I'm aiming for at least 18,000 if I budget my time right.

The academy will never give an Oscar to Sean Penn. They nominate him just to fuck with him. He's badmouthed them and Hollywood too many times. The nominations are enough for them to say, "see we can be big about things." I think LotR can win best picture without Jackson winning best director, but if he wins best director they're a lock for best picture. I do think that if Eastwood wins, then Mystic River has a damn good shot at winning best picture. Sophia Coppola is really going to need to get some hype up and they need to push the fact that she's a woman for her to sneak in there. Again, the Academy feels in a case like hers the nomination is enough unless there's a big groundswell for a woman to win the award.

Thanks for the help guys. That seems like a really good fit from what little bit he told me. I might try to check with him before I put it in the column, if not I'll be sure to have it in there next week. Thanks again.

Ejiro, in your heart the Eel can be whatever you want him to be. He is magic. And in case it wasn't clear to some, the Eel just isn't a random body. I will be writing a match as the Eel and if I win (big if there) I will be returning on a full time basis as the Eel. Someone needs to host that swank Eel banner that Va'aiga made up for me. I might be needing it.

Wrestler’s Name: The Memphis Eel Nickname: Steve Height: 6 ft. Weight: 250 lbs. Hometown: Memphis, Tennessee (by way of Planet Lovetron) Age: 49 (forever) Face/Heel: his name is the Memphis Eel, figure it out Stable: none Ring Escort: none Weapon(s): hands of stone, a big ass monkey wrench that he keeps in his pants Quote: Refers to all opponents as either “son,” or “boy” and accuses them of “being on the reefer.” He also purposely gets the names of his opponents wrong. Like if he was in the WWE, he’d be facing guys like Ralph Mysterious and Eddie Gordita. His catch phrase is “Hey, where’s grandma?” Looks: Has died jet-black hair, slicked back like Pat Riley. Wears jumbo rose-colored sunglasses to the ring, gaudy rings on every finger and a giant gold medallion that says, “FUNK” in the middle of it. Wrestles in variously hued, rhinestone covered jumpsuits with extra large flares at the bottom and huge butterfly collars up top. The suit is opened down to the top of his ripe like a watermelon beer gut in order to show off his gray chest hair. His white boots have a six-inch heel (he’s really only five foot four). Ring Entrance: Two referees stand to the side of the entrance ramp holding up sparklers for the Eel when he comes out. The remix of Elvis Presley’s “Little Less Conversation” plays. The Smarktron shows clips of the Memphis Eel digitally inserted into great wrestling moments. These include among others: Body slamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3 Making Ric Flair submit to the double chicken wing at Clash VI Throwing Mankind off of the Hell in a Cell at KotR 1998 A blood soaked Eel passing out to Bret Hart’s sharpshooter at Wrestlemania 13 The Eel jumping off the side of a thirty-foot steel cage to splash the Great Muta while trapped in Ric Flair’s figure four at Halloween Havoc ‘89 Flying spread eagle off of a ladder knocked over by Razor Ramon at Wrestlemania 10 Jamming a shard of wood into Tully Blanchard’s eye at Starrcade ’85 Hanging Roddy Piper over the ropes by a length of dog chain at Starrcade ‘83 Powerbombing Tom Flesher through a saw horse at Ground Zero 2003 Stats: ¯¯¯¯¯ Strength: 5 Speed: 5 Vitality: 5 Charisma: 5 Style: Jerry Lawler x Jeff Jarrett x Honky Tonk Man squared Signature moves: 1) cowardly heel tactics (stalling, bailing to the floor, begging off, complaining of miscellaneous crap to the referee; will usually take the first seven minutes of the match before he actually wrestles) 2) secret cheating (pulling the hair, pulling the tights, feet on the ropes, grabbing the ropes for leverage, what ever he can do behind the ref’s back) 3) ludicrously blatant cheating (eye poke, thumb to the throat, punch to the nads, choke, back rake, etc.) 4) Dusty Rhodes limp wristed “I rule, you’re gay” mega pimp strut of taunting. If he does this to you, you must sell it like you took a cannonball in the gut at point blank range, even though the guy is like ten feet away from you. 5) rest holds a-go-go (headlock, chinlock, armbar, wristlock, bearhug; like 80% of his matches) 6) signals for a chokeslam, then hits a guy with an inverted atomic drop 7) the no selling of new fangled maneuvers (meaning he will sell an armbar like you’re hacking it off with a chainsaw, but hit him with a Tiger Driver ’92 or a Vertebreaker and he pops up like nothing happened) Common moves: 1) punch 2) knee lift 3) punch 4) knee drop 5) punch 6) elbow drop 7) punch 8) fist drop 9) punch 10) suplex 11) punch 12) bodyslam 13) punch 14) back breaker 15) punch 16) flip flop and fly 17) teases the punch then surprises the guy with a really big punch Rare moves: 1) belly to belly suplex 2) Weaver Lock (sleeper hold) 3) neckbreaker 4) drop kick 5) double axehandle off the top rope (all can be brutal finishers, especially that last one, it’s coming off of the top rope after all) Finishers: 1) piledriver (yup, basic old piledriver; if done on the floor or through a table you will be declared legally dead) 2) face claw (can cause bleeding from the temple, cerebral hemorrhages, headaches, nausea, projectile vomiting, loss of motor skills, loss of bladder, memory loss, may induce a stroke) Notes: Is Mickey Gilley’s third cousin can play the moonshine jug knows 57 different ways to cook gator has a bit part in the Burt Reynolds film “W.W. and the Dixie Dance Kings” as “Redneck #3” Bio: Was born a poor black child in a log cabin high up in the Smokey Mountains, which is only odd if you consider the fact that he’s whiter than Pat Boone. Left his home at the age of 16 to make a name for himself and immediately landed a job as Elvis Presley’s official fried peanut butter and banana sandwich maker, upgraded to Quaalude carrier within a year. Became a wrestling promoter upon the King’s death after answering an ad in the newspaper (he was unqualified to sweep dung out of chicken roosts). Promoted independent shows all over the south central United States until one of the guys who sat up the ring realized he wasn’t any good at it and had him fired. Tried to get a job as a promoter with Jerry Lawler’s Memphis based wrestling league, but Lawler thought to have him train to be a wrestler instead, primarily to get him out of his hair and keep him from pissing on his tires every morning when he drove to the arena. Studied under the auspicious guidance of the WWF WrestleFest arcade game and watching old tapes of Wahoo McDaniels. Has floated around just about every independent fed in the U.S., primarily because he sucks. Is now up to the S’s.

he held one half of the AWA tag belts with VERNE GAGNE