WrestlingDeacon

Fuck that noise. I'll come back and Frost will take on all ten of you at the same time!

The greatest ever was Freedom Rock. "Is that Freedom Rock?" (hippie does hair flip) "Well, turn it up!"

"Rubberneckin'" is from the last movie Elvis made where he plays a doctor in the ghetto being aided by undercover nuns. What they need to do is "remix" that and have Snoop Dog starring in it.

Who should have worked the injury angle when he came back like a mother, just like dear old dad BOB ORTON.

I about half watched it on Sunday. I thought it was pretty stupid. It took Tarzan and updated it into a teeny-bopper soap. While that has actually worked pretty well with Superman on Smallville, this is just a ripoff of that. The female lead reminds of Gena Davis.

Eat a Bucket of Shit Die With My Fist in Your Throat Lavender

But how can they compare to the awesomeness of another team fresh from the OVW MARK JINDRAK and GARRISON CADE.

Yeah, it was the Bossman. Remember a stip was that no member of the Corporation could interfere. Right before the ppv, Bossman got kicked out of the corporation. Therfore he could legally interfere, how about that for an oxymoron. Then after the ppv, he was invited back into the corporation but they never did anything with the angle of him as the mystery man lowering and raising the case.

but that bit was originated with EDGE AND CHRISTIAN.

And I've won twice in the same night too. Wargames and a tag title match with TNT against some random jobbers.

Once at From the Fire, but when else? Last show in the JL. I jobbed the Euro title in a fourway then lost to Danny Williams in a cage match for the World.

I've jobbed twice in the same night before twice! I am the engineer of my own train.

A lot of actors have their salaries deferred or take a piece of the action to offset some stuff. So even a guy like Jim Carrey who makes $20 million a flick might only pull in $10 million flat and get the rest in other options.

Two updates in three days? Call Satan and see if he's making snow cones. HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, September 24th, 2003 Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Tod Keneley Elizabeth Borden is standing in a back holding a sign saying, “The Mysterious Entity is Positively Not Charles Palumbo.” A UPS guy walks in with a giant box that Borden needs to sign for. She signs the form and the driver leaves. The box then explodes with a cartoon kaboom, revealing a leather-clad wrestler in heavy makeup. “Whoo! I’m the KISS Demon! I need to pee!” Taken a back, Borden points him to the men’s room. She then looks around pissed off and screams “Alright, who ordered the KISS Demon? I’m looking at you Deacon.” The came swishes around to find Deacon and Giant Gonzalez putting the rooster on top of the still damp kitten. “Look at that big cock ride that wet pussy.” Borden knows that Deacon hired the KISS Demon to mess with her, but it’s not going to work. In fact, she’s going to give the Demon a chance of a lifetime. A date with the Hilton sisters high on PCP and minus any prenups? No, a shot at the HSW World Title against the Sandman tonight. The KISS Demon returns from the can. “Yow! I’m the KISS Demon! Want to see my Love Gun?” Segment Rating: 75% Cut to the ring where Hard Workin’ Bobby Walker is out to face the FlockNest Monster. It seems that The Mysterious Entity is making the wrestlers pay to use the gimmicks he owns, since the HSW is hemorrhaging money (with Ahmed Johnson and a hypoglycemic on the roster how could we not be?). He doesn’t make enough on his janitor’s salary to purchase his own name, so he’s changing it to “Minimum Wage” Michael Wade (credit goes to Craig McClennan of the SJL for that name, but why he would want credit for that is beyond me). He just wants to mop floors and empty trashcans. He’s worked hard his entire life, but has never really been good at anything until now. He’s the greatest janitor ever, he likes being a janitor and now that fool FlockNest Monster has brought him into the ring. He tried to get Evan Karaigas to take his place tonight, but not even the marketing wizards of WCW ever thought to make a Hard Workin’ Bobby Walker mask. I know, because if there was one, I would have dressed up like him for every Halloween to this present day. Segment Rating: 37% BAD GIMMICKS A-GO-GO SINGLES MATCH “Minimum Wage” Michael Wade vs Flocknest Monster. Match Background: None. The Match: THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Monster crushes Wade with a huge legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Monster goes for a splash but Wade puts the knees up. Michael Wade hits Monster. Running clothesline from Michael Wade was actually MIGHTY sloppy. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sloppy discus punch from Michael Wade barely connects on Monster. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Wade slams Flocknest Monster down. Monster is sure in trouble now. Flocknest Monster reverses a hip toss. Super kick by Flocknest Monster. There's a two count on the pin. Vicious kick to the teeth from Flocknest Monster. Pin, but Wade is out just before the three count. Flocknest Monster hits a rolling kick on Wade. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Monster just WAFFLES Wade with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Monster walks into a drop toe hold. Wade slams Flocknest Monster down. Monster is sure in trouble now. Flapjack from Wade on Monster. Tony Stetson comes running down the aisle with a chair! Wade and Flocknest Monster continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Tony Stetson slides in and blasts Flocknest Monster with a chair to the head! Stetson climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Michael Wade floors Flocknest Monster. Here it comes - Food Stamp Stomp, forget about it. 1....2...3! Michael Wade, having taken the victory thanks to the outside interference of Tony Stetson, goes over and shakes hands with him, showing that their plan was a success. Winner: “Minimum Wage” Michael Wade My Opinion: 1/4*. Be happy it's not a DUD. (I honestly can’t take Dames seriously anymore after he was buying a discuss punch as a finisher. I think he’s a closet Kerry Von Erich fan. Note how the FlockNest Monster carried the whole match. We’ve traveled a long strange road my friend. I remember when your overness was 1 and the writers were bitching about me putting you over Alter Boy Luke who had an overness of 3. I’m getting all teary-eyed just remembering the good old days. Let’s move on.) Overall Rating: 46% Crowd Reaction: 30% Match Quality: 63% Tony Stetson grabs a microphone post match as television stations across the country flip over to a Droopy the Dog marathon on the Cartoon Network. He realized last week that the HSW is not all about and all for the children, but no one seems to care. Everyone runs around just like they did, only slyer with the swearing and sexual innuendo (he calls talking about big cocks and wet pussy sly?). Someone needs to think of the children? Won’t someone think of the children? From now on he will! “Doin’ it for the Children” Tony Stetson is here to save you all. Cue collective groan and rolling of the eyes. Segment Rating: 40% “Carless” Mark Jindrak is called into SpongeBob BacklundPants office. He and Elizabeth Borden are there and they are not happy with him. Borden informs Jindrak that he is not a good person. How can he be a good person if he doesn’t own a car? We all now that people are defined and are only as worthy as their material possessions. Right kids? “Right! Now give us a dollar!” Borden doesn’t believe Jindrak should hold the You are a Good Person Title. He asks for a chance to prove himself. BacklundPants interjects by booking Mark in a handicap match with the Ding Dongs. Now run out to the ring, because we’re not holding this match for any later in the show. The fact that the Ding Dongs get out of the first half hour is disgraceful enough. Segment Rating: 66% A PUTZ, A YUTZ AND A CLUTZ HANDICAP MATCH “Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Ding Dongs. Match Background: This will be a 2 on 1 handicap bout. Mark Jindrak is the reigning You Are a Good Person champion, and has been since 20 September 2003. The Match: Dong kicks the leg, knocks Jindrak down, and goes to work on it. Spin kick by Ding to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Ding scoops up Jindrak. Dong bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Jindrak walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Ding Dongs whip Jindrak into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Jindrak charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Spear by Mark Jindrak. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Dong backdrops Mark Jindrak out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Dong. Dong hits a rolling kick on Jindrak. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Dong scoops up Jindrak. Ding bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Mark Jindrak pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Powerbomb on Ding. Mark Jindrak drives Ding into the corner. Splash Mountain, forget about it. 1....2...3! Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak My Opinion: Not good enough to earn an entire star. 3/4* for you. (Those match reviews crack me up just for using the word “dong.” Look for Dong to be in line for a major singles push in the near future. Mark Jindrak celebrates, because he gets to keep the You are a Good Person Title. It’s not like beating the Ding Dongs are a major accomplishment. Cut to Elizabeth Borden whacking SpongeBob BacklundPants with an oversized purse for booking such a stupid match. And what does Lizzy keep in her oversized purse? Her Dong of course.) Overall Rating: 55% Crowd Reaction: 40% Match Quality: 70% Arachniman drew the short straw and had to go get food for the buffet table tonight. Good thing you can feed an army at Taco Bell for four bucks. Who wants Gorditas? Honky Tonk Orton takes exception with his choice, it’s not deep fried, slathered in peanut butter or served on the belly of a thirteen year old with a side of mayo. Arachniman and Orton argue. Arachniman hears the sounds of “I Love the Night Life” and turns around to find the Disco Ducks allegedly sneaking up on him while doing the New York Bus Stop Hustle. Orton shakes his head and yells at them. How are they supposed to be good lackeys, if people hear their music blaring from a mile away when they’re trying to sneak attack someone. Arachniman can’t control himself, possessed by the hot Latin rhythms and begins boogying with the Ducks. (C’mon, it’s El Dandy, disco is Latin enough for him, and I’m surprised Microsoft Word recognizes boogying as a word.) The three form a soul train line while Orton eats his burrito and grumbles. Segment Rating: 51% FRASIER CRANE’S PSYCHIATRIC NIGHTMARE TAG MATCH FOR THE HSW TAG TEAM TITLES The Really, Really New Midnight Express vs Jimmy Jack Spock and "Tatanka". Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Tag titles. The Really, Really New Midnight Express have been HSW World Tag champions since 03 September 2003. The Match: Harry Smith connects with a back heel kick on "Tatanka" and gets back up quickly. Harry hits a dropkick on "Tatanka" and gets right back up. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Harry Smith and Orlando Jordan. Harry Smith scoops up "Tatanka". Jordan bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. There's a two count on the pin. Jordan slams "Tatanka" down. "Tatanka" is sure in trouble now. "Tatanka" powers out of a headlock. "Tatanka" hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Covers for a quick two count. Tag to Jimmy Jack Spock. Nice piledriver on Jordan. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Running knee lift from Jimmy Jack Spock. Jordan counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Spock gets splashed in the corner. Tag to Harry Smith. Harry hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Tag between Jimmy Jack Spock and "Tatanka". Hard back suplex on "Tatanka". Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. "Tatanka" charges, Harry moves, and the referee is knocked silly! "Tatanka" knocks Harry to the outside. While calling for the Mecca Toad Splash, Harry Smith slides back in, carrying the ring bell! He swings, but "Tatanka" avoids it and hits a kick to the gut. "Tatanka" grabs the bell and smacks Harry Smith over the head with it! The referee wakes up to see "Tatanka" making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it. Another referee comes running down the aisle, and points out to the first official that "Tatanka" used the ring bell as a weapon. The referee reverses the decision! "Tatanka" has been disqualified! "Tatanka" \ Spock don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack The Really, Really New Midnight Express, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends. Winners: The Really, Really New Midnight Express My Opinion: Well, hello there *1/4 rating, how are you? (Dusty Finish! Everybody drink. Post match, Hypoglycemic Harry Smith attempts to steal “Tatanka’s” pudding. “Tatanka” spazzes out and jumps around, inadvertently doing a rain dance. It looks like it’s pouring down in buckets inside, but it’s just Fat Rhymes hanging out in the rafter sweating from the exertion of breathing.) Overall Rating: 66% Crowd Reaction: 64% Match Quality: 69% IS THAT A BADD-BLASTER IN YOUR POCKET ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME SINGLES MATCH Honky Tonk Orton vs Arachniman. Match Background: None. The Match: Double arm suplex by Arachniman connects as Orton hits hard. Orton blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Spinebuster by Honky Tonk Orton. Brutal sit out powerbomb on Arachniman! Honky Tonk Orton moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Shake Rattle and Orton. 1....2...3, it's finished. Honky Tonk Orton goes into the crowd, where he celebrates his victory Winner: Honky Tonk Orton My Opinion: *1/4 rating. Don't be upset. There are people in third world countries who can barely afford one star, let alone one and a quarter. (Orton had to get this match over with in a hurry, because that burrito he ate earlier was backing up on him. He rushes to the can to find “Minimum Wage” Michael Wade in there in a contamination suit and a lead box he’s putting waste in. Good lord the KISS Demon has some nasty poop. Wade thinks he’ll sell it to the Iraqis to make weapons of mass destruction. Orton runs into the women’s restroom. Lady Victoria is changing Chris Nowinski’s pants on the diaper changing station. He can’t be bothered to wipe his own ass you know, that’s what girlfriends are truly for. Remember poop humor and women making sandwiches = ratings.) Overall Rating: 65% Crowd Reaction: 61% Match Quality: 70% Sandman walks through the back, heading to the ring for his match with the KISS Demon. Terry Funk flies in out of nowhere and clocks Sandman with the See ‘n Say of Pain and Discombobulation as presented by Playskool. The cow goes moo, bizznitch! Kaos the Blue Fairy pops out of a cake that was being wheeled up to the luxury box where Jim J. Bullock was enjoying the show for his birthday and attacks Funk. Funk follows up with the Tickle Me Elmo of Damnation and Hell Fire, but his cuteness is lost on the evil of Sandman and Kaos. Now, if it was a Teletubbie, Kaos would eat that up with a spoon. Sandman and Kaos beat down Funk until a production assistant signals that they’ve eaten up enough time until the next commercial break. Segment Rating: 71% THIRD SIGN THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH SINGLES MATCH FOR THE HSW WORLD TITLE Sandman vs The KISS Demon. Match Background: Demon is making his debut at this show. He also works for XPW and RoH. Sandman has been feuding with Jimmy Jack Spock recently, who is a stable mate of Demon in DS 9. This match is for the HSW World title. Sandman has been HSW World champion since 03 September 2003. The Match: The KISS Demon with a spinning neckbreaker on Sandman. Spear by The KISS Demon. There's a two count on the pin. Demon drops an elbow...but Sandman moves out of the way. Sandman hits some weak-looking punches in the corner, but The KISS Demon is able to block them and return the favor in spades. Sandman hits a weak elbow on The KISS Demon. Covers for a quick two count. Sloppy discus punch from Sandman barely connects on Demon. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Weak slam from Sandman sets Demon for something, but if it was as weak as that slam, then Demon has no worries. The KISS Demon powers out of a Sandman headlock. Nice piledriver on Sandman. Hooks the leg for a two count. The KISS Demon scores with a big spinebuster. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Sandman by Demon. Remember when that was a legit finish? Sandman just WALKS into a stiff lariat clothesline from Demon. Sandman counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Demon takes a couple of weak clotheslines. Sandman connects with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Does everyone use that move these days? The KISS Demon slams Sandman, who rolls onto his stomach. What is Sandman doing? The KISS Demon picks him up and signals for a powerbomb. He raises Sandman up...but then falls backward, getting crushed by his opponent in the process! Sandman is on top! 1....2....3! Looking at the replay, it appears that Sandman had taken a chain out of his tights and wrapped it around his fist! The KISS Demon must have been punched with that chain while in mid-powerbomb! What a cheap shot! The fight has started up again! Sandman attacks Demon, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Winner: Sandman My Opinion: One SOLE bright spot in this match keeps it from going into DUD territory. 1/4*. (Actually it was a Slinky Sandman took from Terry Funk. You know, when the friggin’ KISS Demon has to carry your ass in a match, it’s time to hang up the boots and go on the book signing tour. Cat’s out of the bag, but I was going to probably debut the new stable on the next show. Remember, when I first started my old XPW fed, Funk and some people were already part of a stable called Enterprise. Since this is a third rate ripoff, we’ll rename the stable after a third rate ripoff as well. Hey, I liked DS9 don’t get me wrong. At least I didn’t name them Janeway’s Wrongway Runaways.) Overall Rating: 64% Crowd Reaction: 68% Match Quality: 55% Overall Show Rating: 58% TV Rating: 1.32 Attendance: 402 kids under the age of 12 who don’t get the KISS Demon at ALL.

who was the special referee for THE BLACK SCORPION match at Starrcade.

The article I read on yahoo said that the bit about the tiger making his debut that night is part of the act. Apparently it's a tiger they've used for years and was well trained.

HSW Rainbow Fun Hour for Saturday, September 21st, 2003 Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain Hosts: Jon Ian and the Deacon THIS WILL PUT BUTTS IN THE SEATS TAG MATCH Tony Stetson and Flocknest Monster vs Multi-Culture Pals. Match Background: None. The Match: Implant DDT by Flocknest Monster! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Lightning kick by Monster on Larry. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Flocknest Monster and Tony Stetson. Stetson \ Monster whip Larry into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Stetson on Larry. There's a two count on the pin. Uninspiring brawling from Tony Stetson. Check them brawlin' stats, boy. Larry counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Larry DDTs Tony Stetson. Larry tags out to The Musical Rabbi. Spin kick by The Musical Rabbi to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. SUPER frankensteiner on Stetson, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Stetson counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Tag to Flocknest Monster. Flying cross body off the top rope! Back heel kick off the second rope, Rabbi goes down. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Flocknest Monster connects with a back heel kick on Rabbi and gets back up quickly. The Musical Rabbi once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Flying cross body off the top rope! Flocknest Monster climbs to the top rope, ready to leap at Rabbi. Tony Stetson bounces off the ropes for an elbow drop without seeing his partner, and crotches Monster by accident. The Musical Rabbi has Flocknest Monster down on the canvas. Here it comes - Dreidel Cradle, forget about it. 1....2...3! Stetson and Monster remain in the ring, arguing. Flocknest Monster looks really angry. Tony Stetson pushes Monster away and walks off, looking furious. Winners: Multi-Cultural Pals My Opinion: You barely escaped a DUD rating. 1/4*. (Dissention among the jobbers! The Multi-Cultural Pals are so happy about scoring the win that they celebrate by getting drunk and performing a bris. Notice how Dames marks out for the Musical Rabbi and buys a back heel kick as a finisher like he was Eric Bischoff.) Overall Rating: 46% Crowd Reaction: 30% Match Quality: 63% FlockNest Monster flips out post match. They just lost to the Multi-Cultural Pals. The Multi-Cultural Pals!!! How is he going to live this down at the next Jobber to the Stars convention in lovely San Bernardino. Monster starts wrecking the ringside area, because he’s a big crybaby. Since I found a gimmick for Garrison Cade, I had to hire a new janitor. The temp agency sent over Hard Workin’ Bobby Walker. Can’t fault the name. Walker comes out to start cleaning up the mess, but the FlockNest Monster isn’t done yet. He wants to know what Walker is looking at. Uh, he was just counting his SOS pads. “Well, you’ll have to signal SOS after this beating!” Even Tony Stetson hangs his head in shame on that one. The FlockNest Monster attacks Walker, who defends himself by tossing some Clorox Cleanup in his eyes and the mop bucket over his head. Monster does the classic “Put ‘em up, put ‘em…hey, who turned the lights out” Tom & Jerry stance and then Walker whacks him with THE SLIGHTLY DAMP MOP OF DOOM AND TURMOIL~! The FlockNest Monster runs off and Walker celebrates…by cleaning up the mess that Monster made of the ringside area. Who’s laughing now? Segment Rating: 53% I NEED A LOAN FOR AN ESCALADE SINGLES MATCH Bank One vs Fat Rhymes. Match Background: None. The Match: Rhymes walks into a high dropkick from Bank One, almost losing several teeth in the process. Bank One strikes Rhymes. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Fat Rhymes charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Rhymes counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Big forearm by Rhymes draws laughter from the crowd because it was THAT bad. Messed up bodyslam by Rhymes almost kills BO. There's a two count on the pin. Fat Rhymes misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Bank One hits a bulldog off the ropes. Covers for a quick two count. Power drive elbow by Bank One. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! BO drops an elbow...but Fat Rhymes moves out of the way. Fat Rhymes DOESN'T take a page out of Andre the Giant's book and hits an incredibly weak headbutt on BO. BO reverses a Fat Rhymes hammerlock. Spin kick by Bank One to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Fat Rhymes slugs Bank One, sending him down into the corner. While Rhymes fires up the crowd, BO is removing the turnbuckle pad! Fat Rhymes comes over...but BO grabs him by the tights and uses the leverage to slingshot Fat Rhymes face first into the exposed steel turnbuckle! Bank One rolls up the stunned Fat Rhymes: 1....2...3! How did the referee not see that? The fight has started up again! Bank One attacks Rhymes, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Winner: Bank One My Opinion: Hot pokers would be a little too nice to the booking committee for subjecting me to this bile -**. (Ahmed Johnson continues to be the black hole of suck pulling all others down to his level. Bank One should be used to that, sponsoring the Chicago Bears and all. Be sure to take note that a “messed up bodyslam by Rhymes almost kills BO.” I think you’re going to need deodorant to finish the job though. Post match, there’s a lot of “screw you honky cracker” this and “bitE me, ya’ Alabama porch monkey” that and a little “eat a bag of dicks, peckerwood” and some “smoke my salmon, buggabo.” The children in the audience take furious notes for the playground tomorrow.) Overall Rating: 30% Crowd Reaction: 17% Match Quality: 44% Tony Stetson is in the back talking to Elizabeth Borden. She only let him and the FlockNest Monster back in the HSW because they had incriminating photos of her with a vat of marshmallow cream, a goat and the 1993 Denver Broncos. Yet, they can’t even beat the Multi-Cultural Pals. While Monster is receiving medical attention, Stetson will have to take the punishment for his team by going to Loserville and standing in the corner. This teaches the kids a valuable lesson. Don’t be a loser. Why? “Because losers smell like Grandma’s underwear!” Stetson sulks off to go stand in the corner, but is stopped by a little boy named Timmy, because that’s what all little boys are named. Timmy asks for Tony’s autograph. Why would he want the autograph of such a loser? Because Timmy believes in him and knows that Stetson can do better…also Chris Nowinski was charging ten bucks. Little Timmy then gives Tony Stetson his RC Cola (like we could get a deal with Coke) and walks away. Stetson shuffles off, feeling a bit better and drinking the soda. He stops halfway down the hall and calls back to the kid, “hey, did you pee in this?” Segment Rating: 40% YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WOMEN BECAUSE ENCHILADAS ARE NOT TECHNICALLY SANDWICHES Chris Nowinski vs Paunch Estrada. Match Background: None. The Match: Chris Nowinski hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Side suplex from Nowinski. Side suplex from Nowinski. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Nowinski slams Paunch Estrada down. Estrada is sure in trouble now. Covers for a quick two count. Estrada powers out of a headlock. Estrada hits a dropkick on Chris Nowinski and gets right back up. Estrada crushes Nowinski with a huge legdrop. Chris Nowinski pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Chris Nowinski hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Paunch Estrada tries to get a big slam, but it is blocked when Nowinski goes to the eyes! Chris Nowinski quickly scores with a field-goal kick between the legs! Paunch Estrada collapses! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! Paunch Estrada got screwed! Chris Nowinski leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle at speed. Nowinski has the victory, and isn't hanging around for Paunch Estrada to look for revenge. Winner: Chris Nowinski My Opinion: I'll give a 1\2* rating because they were actually able to hit a couple of spots. (Nowinski’s entire move set was sideslams, axe handles and kicks to the nads. Did Kevin Nash take him under his wing or what? Lady Victoria appears to comfort Estrada post match, but she was just trying to get a really good recipe for burritos. The bread truck is late and Nowinski has to have fresh buns at all times. We can’t go further than that on a family show. Has it dawned on anyone else that 80% of my jokes are about women making sandwiches.) Overall Rating: 61% Crowd Reaction: 63% Match Quality: 59% It’s time for Cooking with Gonzalez with special guest “Carless” Mark Jindrak. Hey where’s Jindrak? One of the production assistants thinks he saw him outside waiting on a bus. Gonzalez stalks off the set and goes outside to find him. Jindrak is standing out front, jumping up and down barely able to control his giddiness. Gonzalez tells him to get inside and show the kids how to make a sandwich. Jindraks says he can’t, his car is coming. Ok, who left the airplane glue out? No, seriously, months ago Jindrak moonlighted by wrestling a battle royale for the SWF where the winner got a new car. He lost, but the guy who won, Craig McClennan, gave him the car anyway and now he’s bringing it over after getting some custom detailing done. (This really did happen. See what happens when they give me the book down there. Suicide King promises that will never happen again). A car pulls up and out steps…the Repo Man? McClennan no showed driving the car over (Inside joke! OMGWTFWWJD), so Repo Man brought it in his stead. Jindrak eyes him suspiciously, but Repo holds the keys out for him to take. He reaches out…but not so fast! Does Jindrak have the taxes due on the car? Taxes? It was a gift. Well, that doesn’t mean there still aren’t taxes on it. There’s the gift tax, the present tax, the doubling up on the same tax twice under a different name tax, the gas tax, the oil tax, the windshield wiper fluid tax, wait…does this thing come with cup holders? Yup, that makes it a sportscar, so an extra tax on that. “Do you intend to drive this car with your eyes open?” “Uh…yeah.” “Well, there’s a tax on that.” Let’s see, sales tax, state tax, federal tax, income tax, luxury tax, do not pass go, do not collect $200…that’s a grand total of $452,311.16. Gonzalez has the 16 cents if Jindrak needs it. Marks says that he doesn’t have that kind of money. Well, then he guesses he’ll have to repossess the car. Life is sweet. Repo Man drives off cackling while Jindrak screams pissed off. Hey, emotion from Mark Jindrak, fancy that. Gonzalez pleads, “what about my show? Won’t someone think about the children?” Segment Rating: 53% Chris Nowinski pimp struts through the back, counting the money he scammed from the kids in the autograph line. He comes across Elizabeth Borden holding a huge sign that says, “The Mysterious Entity is not Perrious Saturn.” (meaning it probably is) Nowinski chats up Borden. “Has anyone told you that you’re a handsome woman? I wouldn’t say pretty, of course, but kind of handsome in a bull dike way. You have really great hands though. So delicate and feminine, absolutely perfect for making tuna melts. If you’re not doing anything after the show, I have a can of Chicken of the Sea and a hotplate in my dressing room…” Lady Victoria runs up and demands to know what’s going on. Borden insists that nothing is going on. Which, of course, means that something is. Borden and Victoria get in a catfight and brawl down the hallway. Nowinski runs after them screaming, “The face! Kick each other in the face! Save those hands!” Segment Rating: 76% A MATCH MADE IN THE IMPOUD YARD FOR THE HSW YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TITLE Repo Man vs Mark Jindrak. Match Background: Repo and Jindrak are currently feuding. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. This match is for the You Are a Good Person title. Repo Man has been You Are a Good Person champion since 03 September 2003. The Match: Jindrak takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Weak bodyslam by Repo. Covers for a quick two count. Jindrak counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Repo gets slammed down hard and winces in pain. BIG clothesline on Repo. Covers for a quick two count. Death valley driver by Mark Jindrak! No one executes that move properly anymore. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. Repo counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Repo Man hits an ugly looking bulldog off the ropes. Covers for a quick two count. Repo Man scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Repo slams Mark Jindrak down. Jindrak is sure in trouble now. Repo Man strikes Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Repo Man charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Mark Jindrak scores with a big spinebuster. Repo Man gets whipped into the turnbuckles by Jindrak. Splash Mountain!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Mark Jindrak offers a handshake to Repo...and he accepts it! No! Repo Man levels Jindrak with a cheap shot right hand! Repo Man spins Jindrak around. Repo Man hits the Double Axe Handle! Mark Jindrak has been floored after the match. Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak My Opinion: One SOLE bright spot in this match keeps it from going into DUD territory. 1/4*. (The fact that he does a severe ass beat down with a ~Double Axe Handle~ is so Memphis. It’s the greatest finisher ever. I don’t know why people always try to shake hands with the Repo Man post match, he’s the damn Repo Man. Oh, that’s right, I book it that way. So, Jindrak loses a car but gains a title belt. “Hey, what’s this stuff flaking off? Is this paint? What does it say underneath this? Western…Heritage…Sta…” Bank One drops an anvil on his head from the rafters. I need to make a guy named Dues Ex Machina.) Overall Rating: 57% Crowd Reaction: 58% Match Quality: 57% Overall Show Rating: 52% T.V. Rating: 1.51 Attendance: 405 small children running around screaming, “Blow me, peckerwood!”

who had a leg break that looked similar to that of JOE THEISMAN'S.

Wildchild will be facing the Memphis Eel in a Memphis Death Match. Winner must piledrive their opponent on the floor.

Double post due to slow boards. You know I must be running out of retro-babes if I'm down to Shelley Hack.

who was a commentator at the Heroes of Wrestling ppv with RANDY ROSENBLOOM.

I saw some clips of the show last weekend and I have to say that Jessica Simpson is the definition of "pussy." She's dumb as a sack of rocks, totally worthless for any real world use, she's just arm candy and good for fuckings.

BLOW ME! With my new column on 411, I have higher priorities. However, I have to work in the morning and should have time there to write up the show I already have played out. I promise, promise, that a new show will be posted by tomorrow night and sorry for being so slow with getting new shows up.

BLOW ME!

Uh....who are you?