kkktookmybabyaway

3:30 p.m. • I had a weird dream last night. I don’t remember much of it, but I ended up sitting at a table at my college making change for people. These two college guys walked up and one gave me a $50 bill and said he wanted a bunch of $1s. I started counting from my stash, and when I was around the $30ish dollar mark the guy who didn’t give me the $50 suddenly took the $50 bill and walked away. I was just about to give the other guy his change and then a voice sounding like mine said to me in the dream, “Hey dipshit, they’re ripping you off!” The voice said, “Wake up, idiot!” I did. I’ve done this before whenever I didn’t like how a dream was going for me; I just say in the dream, “OK, I’ve had enough. Wake up.” Good thing I haven’t yet done this get-out-of-dream-now stunt while making (depending on my mood) either Eliza Dusku, Rose McGowan or Jennifer Love Hewitt’s eyes roll to the back of their head. • Even though I have no idea who any of these college football players are, I’ve been watching this year’s NFL draft since noon. LOL at Brady Quinn. Then again, if he gets drafted to a good team, I’d say that’s worth the few million extra he would have made had he gone in the top five spots. Here’s another thing. Shut the hell up Steve Young. OMG, the Packers aren’t getting Bret Favre any help. The guy’s in his 17th year – I hope for Green Bay’s sake they aren’t making picks with the mindset of, “Gee, I hope Brett approves of this.” Instead the Packers took some defensive tackle from Tennessee. Is this guy any good? I have no idea. But it’s funny as hell watching Chris Mortensen beat down Young when talking about who should the Packers draft in the first round.

KKK's Top 103 Posters Number 28: Gert T Along with being kkk Bowl I champ, Gert T shares a common bond with me and hawk34/choken/whoever. Whenever I speak of my time in Middletown, Ohio, he actually knows what I’m talking about. This is not a good thing. Then again, there’s something special about many of the experiences I had in this little southwestern Ohio city, such as this one. It was an early summer evening and I had some of my cats out on their leashes exploring the front yard. Yes, they had leashes (I still have them, although they haven’t been used in years). Anyway, this black lady is walking down the street and the following conversation takes place. Her: “You got any cigarettes?” Me: “No.” Her: “You got any alcohol?” Me: “No.” Her: “You got any weed?” Me: “No.” Her: “You no fun.” Me: *Reels in cats before she tries to sell them for crack.* She walked down the block and stopped to talk to these two black guys who pulled up next to her in their hooptie. Oh Middletown. What was I talking about again? 3 p.m. • OK, so I work on the first floor of a three-floor building. A while back the owners of this building (their business is on the second floor) decided to remodel the first-floor bathrooms. It was ladies first, and for several weeks (Or was it more than a month? Who knows, who cares.) all the bitches on my floor had to walk up a floor in order to pinch a load. Trust me, if I were a chick I’d rather walk up and down a flight of stairs to pee than do my business in this men’s room. I always hold my breath when going in this room to pee due to the funk some of my floormates emanate while reading the newspaper when on the shitter. Well, now it’s the guy’s turn to be without a floor potty. Now I’m a man of rules. I recently scolded LessoninMachismo via PM for breaking the express lane’s 20 items or less code of conduct. I punch myself in the shoulder when I forget to put on my turn signal when changing lanes on a somewhat busy multi-lane road. But so far this week I’ve crept into the ladies room in the early morning whenever I have to go number one after drinking my two daily 8 oz. morning beverage – the two women on this floor don’t get in into after 8 a.m., and my early morning urination takes place well over an hour before any of them arrive. Out of consideration, I’ll sit down to do my business because a man’s penis is like a leaky fire hose. God only knows where the pee will fly once it makes its way out. That's why I like urinals. It's like going against a wall. If there's some side squirting, then chances are the porcelain wall will be able to catch it the wayward pee. Anyway, the last few mornings when I’ve snuck in the women's room I have seen that the toilet bowls had urine caked on them. This means one of two things: 1) the two chicks that use this bathroom have some squirting issues, or 2) the other guys who are too lazy to walk up a set of stairs to urinate spray and don’t clean up. Come on guys, if you’re going to use the ladies room, at least show some considerations for those that have no chance but to squat. And who says I’m not looking out for the ladies? Oh, and this crusty waste also means that this building's cleaning staff does jack shit, but I could have told you that already. 12:15 p.m. • My workplace DSL is being moody today, so at around 11 a.m. I decided to give Dennis Miller's new radio show a listen instead of my usual morning program. Not bad. Not great. But not bad. This will definitely be playing (for as long as it's on the air) as a second option for my RIGHT-WING RADIO late-morning/early afternoon listening pleasure. I can't remember the last time I listened to Glenn Beck -- please note I'm not complaining about this. 8:15 a.m. • This got a laugh out of me a few days ago. From Boortz's Web site

If Czech is calling himself Mr. McBeef this week, then I'll help in this murder. I group "best of/who would have beaten who" talk in spans of 15 years or so.

8:30 p.m. KKK's Top 103 Posters Number 29: Spaceman Spiff He likes to talk about the Miami Dolphins, so it’s only appropriate he is this franchise in the kkk Bowl league, of which he’s a longtime member. He’s yet to make a postseason appearance, but he’s in a division where each of his opponents has made it to a kkk Bowl (Gert T in I, Barron in II and nl-asshole in III; oh man was that a dark day – I contemplated folding the league after that one). With all the parity in the NFL these days, perhaps Season V will be his year. I’ll also give Spiff credit for this: Over at the other place he came out defending the Supreme Communists of the United States and those five red diaper doper babies who said it was OK for the government to take property from private citizen A and give it to private citizen B, all so citizen B can generate more tax revenue for the local government, hence a “greater good” reason for the land-seizing. For Spiff to do this is the equivalent of swimming into the middle of a feeding frenzy and slicing your palms open. And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed. From lovecraft: From Cancer Marney: 8:30 p.m. • Bloody hell? When I heard this earlier this morning I figured it was either a misinterpreted joke or Mirabelli is a big-time hater. I hope Gary Thorne comes out of this OK – I used to love listening to him on ESPN announce NHL games. 3 p.m. • Well I had a fun sight this morning on the way to work. Rather than take the interstate, the better half and I go through this dilapidated shit hole of a community called Wilkinsburg. It’s rather depressing to drive past all these vacant, boarded-up buildings where small businesses used to be. I’m hoping this ghetto plague doesn’t reach my neck of the woods until long after my current residence is sold twice-over. Thankfully, there’s about 10-15 miles between the outer reaches of Shittsburgh and Westmoreland County. Anyway, while driving through Wilkinsburg, I had the misfortune to be driving behind a big rig. Now granted I don’t like driving 20 mph through a predominately black neighborhood when I’m trying to get to work, but what are you going to do? My line in these kinds of situations is, “if I’m in such a big hurry, then I should have left five minutes earlier; that way I’d be in front of this vehicle rather than behind it.” I also had no choice but to mosey behind this truck for a few miles because this vehicle was taking up both lanes going in my direction. As for speeding up in the other two lanes on the other side of the yellow double-striped strip, that was a no-go. First off, I don’t like to do that. Secondly, there was too much traffic to even attempt such a stunt. After a while, this chick in a white car sped up to me in the other lane when I saw the bigrig put on his right turn signal. OK, now time to give him some space as he makes his turn. Of course, this was when the chick in the other lane began to SPEED UP right as the truck was making it’s turn. Another few seconds and she would have went splat right up against whatever this truck was hauling. Thankfully, she had enough space to allow the truck to complete the turn. No, I’m not thankful she didn’t get into an accident because it would have injured this blonde. I’m thankful because my commute would have been even longer considering I would have been a witness. No, I wouldn’t have left the scene, because that guy driving the truck would have needed someone sticking up for him because I can guarantee this chick would have probably tried to pin the accident on him. 8 a.m. • Why do I agree with the better half every time she insists on having "Taco/Nacho Night" at our house? I know, because every now and then you get the urge to feel like you're going to throw up the morning after and have fire blow out of your hole on the other end.

You have any idea how much of a pain those are to type? But at least I don't have to worry about spelling and grammar (not like I do anyway).

I love tacos, although I only make 'em with meat, cheese and sour cream. If I feel like it, then I'll add lettuce and diced tomatos. It's the beef seasoning. I'm all about them with steak or chicken.

9 p.m. • There are "experts" debating over using an ogre as an anti-obese spokesperson? And are there going to be Happy Meals featured in this third Shrek movie? And I'm sure this anti-ogre hate violates some sort of discrimination law. 2:45 p.m. • So yesterday the better half and I went to a few different stores to pick up stuff. First it was to Petco to pick up Dessa’s birthday free birthday gift. Yes, Petco sent us a coupon good for two free ping pong balls due to her “birthday” being around this time. How they know this I have no idea – my guess is Mrs. kkk sent this information in at some point in time. Actually, Dessa was born in the winter, but we picked her up in April, so I guess “birthday” means when we got her from Paws. But I digress. This was actually a pretty clever marketing ploy. Bring some pet owner in for a free 59-cent rattling plastic ball and hope they buy some overpriced crap. And that’s just what we did. As we walked in the store, the better half said, “we need to get them new toys.“ Christ. However, this was my lucky day because there were a bunch of things on clearance. We got four scrunchy-type toys (three for ours, one for the in-law’s cat) and this valentine’s day box with several catnip mousse. Total cost: $6. Not too bad, considering if we would have gotten everything at retail price it would have been $25. Yes, $25. Another place we stopped at was Kohl’s because there was a sale on these storage bag things. There’s a chance you’ve seen them advertised on television. Just put a bunch of stuff in these bag and suck all the air out of it via a vacuum cleaner hose. I spent this afternoon home on a comp day playing with these bags. I like ‘em. Not only have I sucked away a bunch of bathroom towels I don’t like using but keep around because you never know when you’ll need an extra towel or four. I also sucked away a bunch of bed sheets and other similar things. Now our towel closet has about twice as much free space as before. Am I writing a bit too much about this? Probably. But I’m not a hard person to please. • You know, if I had the funds, I might have purchased these, too. For as awful as that reality show of hers was, I’m sure these would have been an even bigger trainwreck. I don’t know what’s more pathetic: People who write about the stupid minutia that goes on in their dreary, daily lives, or those that actually waste part of their lives reading this pathetic shit. … Fuck.

I had a television set during the great Star Wars: Episode I marketing blitz. There's almost nothing that will amaze me regarding what you can merchandise.

1 p.m. • We all know some of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male (just name it, and it'll probably be true), but what about this religion's young-ins? Let the list begin.

8:30 p.m. • So yesterday I did a bunch of yardwork. Well, maybe not as much as a Mexican is capable of doing, but whatever. Even though I got slightly singed from Mr. Sun, I thought I came out of it all in reasonably good condition. But then I forgot about the ever-dreaded day after. Holy fuck. Every part of my body aches and I feel like total shit. Wow I really must be getting old. Back in my day I was able to do an afternoon’s worth of manual labor and … well, I still felt like this the day after, even during my teen years. Guess I’ve been a lazy bastard all along. Then again, perhaps us crackers aren’t meant for this kind of rough-and-tumble treatment, or at least white people living within their means. Perhaps Racist Dusty was right all along. • With baseball season recently under way, I’ve been feeling the urge to play MVP ’05 once again. Funny thing is I’m only into mid-May in Year 1 of my franchise mode. Why haven’t I gotten all that far in my 120-year dynasty? Because I’m a sap and I like playing all my minor-league teams. I don’t know why – it’s just more enjoyable to split time with the Lynchburg Hillcats, Altoona Curve, Indianapolis Indians and Pirates. In fact, many times I have more fun playing the minor-league teams. Take yesterday for example. While playing my Single-A Hillcats, who were in the midst of a four-game losing streak, against some team I’ve never heard of before. I was down by a score of 4-1 in the bottom of the ninth. I’ve managed to get on base several times, but I wasn’t able to cash in any of the runners. Then with two outs my star player hit a three-run homer to send the game into extra innings. In the bottom of the 10th I ended it with a walk-off bomb from my centerfielder – his first of the year. Fun times. • Now the obvious punchline to this one is “Who can miss yours, Rosie?” but you people have come to expect more from me. I’m sure Rosie can use her “fair share” by issuing some “TP Credits” that will limit the wiping materials of others willing to make the sacrifice for a cleaner Mother Earth. • Awwwww. Boo-Hoo. I got an idea. Put someone under with anesthesia, stick a gun in their mouth and pull the trigger. • Wait, wha-? Follow-up tests on a backup urine sample? Just how many times do these people have to pee in a cup? • More than 92,000 show up to watch a spring football game? Seriously, it’s time to get a professional team down there. Or some hobbies. 3 p.m. • I always hear you liberals bitch about us evil right-wingers wanting to be all up in your business when it comes to you your bedroom activity. OK then. I’ll stay out of your bedroom, but get the hell away from my bathroom. It’s bad enough you bitches leave us stuck with those gaywad enviro-friendly toilets, which require you to flush three times as many times in order to get a “deposit” certified as it would if I was using a manly shitter. You know, the kind that gives your privates a refreshing breeze afterward because of its sheer power. Then again, if you commies ever get some sort of toilet paper rationing legislation signed into law, I’ll be more than happy to wipe my browneye with your CD covers.

Spoilers, I guess. When he showed up after getting shot in the head, even the most casual of wrestling fans here had to have went, "He no-sells again."

7:45 p.m. • Have I mentioned how much I hate yardwork? I spent the better part of the afternoon pulling weeds and shit from the side of my yard, and uprooted two bush/tree thingys which sucked. Oh well, at least manual labor makes me feel like a man, until I get some dirt in my shoe and I cry. • So this was on Drudge today: “Tina Brown set to unleash 'most controversial book on Princess Diana ever'…” Wha-? WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Christ, how long has she been dead? • Jackie Robinson would be so proud of this being published exactly one week after JACKIE ROBINSON DAY. Actually, I’m wondering if this is the same school that got national headlines a few years back for this segregated prom? During that time Bill O’Reilly was going batshit about it and brought on Neal Boortz, who took an opposing view, on to his show. If memory serves, Boortz’s viewpoint was something to the effect of “it’s a private matter; what can the government school do.” Ah, here we go. Looks like the Bill/Neal conversation dealt with a different school. Wow, was this a funny moment of television. In case you’re wondering what the “hubcap incident” was, here you go. Personally, I thought the "hubcap" remark was much ado about nothing. After all, it's the Mexicans who steal those things. Blacks will just steal a car's stereo.

Maybe that guy is protesting outside the house of the former ABC News White House correspondent. Now who's the dummy?

It's an established nickname. I think Slayer came up with it first. Go bitch at him.

First one is the best, and I like the third over the second. I still laugh when I hear HHH say, "Hey, dick-face. You seen my dog?" Just check your brain at the door when you watch them and you'll be OK.

11:45 p.m. • So MSNBC had “To Catch a Predator: Greatest Hits” or something like that. After watching this hour-long laughfest, I have conclude that this world is made up of some crazy-ass people. My favorite was the guy who showed up to the sting house, stripped naked and began wanking in the kitchen before the show’s host came out to greet him. The next day this perv arranged another “date,” this time at a McDonald’s, thinking he was going to provide a happy meal for some 13-year-old boy. Busted again. But that’s not the best part. At the show’s end, when they were telling us the years in jail all these predators received, the guy mentioned above was only sentenced to two years – the least out of all of them, except for the guy who is still at-large. Did I say two years? I mean NONE, because the red diaper doper baby judge suspended his sentence. WTF? He was ON VIDEO at a house where he thought he was going to get some under-age anal and was MASTERBATING in anticipation. While these shows are funny as hell, what’s scary is when you realize that there are a shit-load of these encounters that go on everyday. 7:45 p.m. • I think I just found my new “White Rapper” show. I was flipping through channels today and watched some of that “Charm School” program where the “Flavor of Love” rejects learn to be more lady-like. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then consider yourself lucky. Good God. There were many things to laugh at, but what got me was the $50,000 grand prize and how several of these women thought this would be the end-all to their current financial woes. Um, it’s only $50,000 – and that’s before taxes. You’re not going to retire because of this. At least I now know who that chick was in those “I Love New York” episodes. No, I didn’t watch ANY of those. What is up with rejected chicks on these “Bachelor-like” shows getting their own “elimin-date” programs? Talk about sloppy seconds. • If you don't think you're shooting at blacks, then terrorists have already won. • The hell? So what about the billions upon billions of unbaptized babies who have already died? What exactly happens to them – do they get recalled or something? And to think there are people sitting in a room actually discussing this stuff. 8:15 a.m. • I’ve been meaning to tell this story for about a week but haven’t been motivated enough until now. While at the Chinese buffet last week, there were some people sitting next to us before the “shoe” family paid us a visit. There were two guys and one was bitching to the other about how in California cops will go into a bar’s parking lot and mark up a car’s tire. This acts like a time stamp, so the officers will know how long that car has been parked there. If a person leaves in a car that’s been there for several hours they will pull them over for a DUI test or something. This genius then said, “They can’t do that – that’s ENTRAPMENT.” Now regardless of your opinion of this police procedure, this is not “entrapment.” But wait, I’m not a lawyer. Could I be wrong? I took this case over to our newly bar-accepted ambulance chaser Vyce and asked for his opinion. This is what he said: Now I also mentioned to the better half my example of how the above-mentioned police tactics could have a case of being entrapment, which was if the cops opened up a bar/drink stand offering free drinks for six hours. When the people drink up and drive off other cops stationed nearby who have been watching the whole thing pull them over. Was my spur-of-the-moment exaample a case of entrapment due to "police" offering "free" drinks? Here's what Vyce said. I got into an argument with my co-worker over this because he felt this was wrong for the police to do. Personally, I don’t’ care. My co-worker said, “Well, what if they pull someone over who was working or wasn’t drinking?” My response: “Then all they have to do is walk a straight line.” I guess I’m nothing more than a goose-stepping pawn of the State, but I’m actually glad cops do this. I got pulled over one time when I was in high school, and the police thought I might have been drinking. I took a turn wide and went through a stop sign I didn’t see due to driving in an unfamiliar area. I also had several passengers with me, so I’m sure the po-pos were thinking we had just come from a party or something. They had me do the nose-touching thing and the walk-straight thing. I was cooperative and that was the end of it. Yeah, I got a ticket, but I didn’t fight it, even though I might have had a case. The reason? I still had my junior license, which prohibits anyone under the age of 18 from driving past midnight, and it was well into the witching hour when I got pulled over. I just paid the $90 and went on with life.

I stopped after the "government cheese" talk. Is there anything noteworthy which took place after that?

The IronPigs?

BL, picture CheesalatheIntolerant. Now picture CheesalatheIntolerant injected with that Comcast high-speed goo. Yeah, it's something like that.

Boo. Keiper deleted that Site Feedback thread I linked to. Guess C-Bacon let me down.

10:30 p.m. • Time for another pic of the kids. This was taken not too long after we first took Max in as a stray. He had a hell of a time trying to get the other two to like him. Here he is trying to charm Dessa by thinking if they lay on the same bed together it will expediate the bonding process; it's been 2+ years and he's still working on it. Well, actually, I think he's given up, and who can blame him? Bitches be trippin'. • There’s one thing I hate more than mowing my lawn, and that’s Jews. Seriously, they own the banks, they own the media and they own the entertainment industry. And even though they want you to think they suck at sports, there’s Sandy Koufax and Shawn Green. Wait a second, I’m getting off-track. There’s two things I hate more than mowing my lawn. What’s the second thing? Mowing my lawn for the first time in the spring. Oh sweet Jesus do I fucking hate this shit. The grass gets a head start growing after the snow melts and the rain pours, keeping my lawnmower indoors while the land sprouts. And then when it’s warm enough for me to feel motivated and prime up the ol’ mower it takes me three-and-a-half hours and five 40 gallon lawn bags before I finish. But it’s done – for now. Where’s an undocumented Mexican when you really need one? • I posted my NHL playoff picks a while back, and even though I think I’m doing OK over in the Eastern Conference, I know I’ve got Nashville going far in the West. Oops. Well, I might as well do the NBA now and get it over with. EASTERN CONFERENCE -- FIRST ROUND Magic (8) v. Pistons (1): I have no idea who is on the Magic. There’s some Howard kid that’s supposed to be good. Hey, is Bo Outlaw still playing? He is! And it looks like he still wears those funky glasses. Pistons in 5. Wizards (7) v. Cavs (2): The Wizards should be the eighth seed by default. What a lucky break the Cavs got with the Bulls choking in their final game of the regular season, thus dropping from the second to the fifth seed and giving Cleveland this matchup. Cavs in 5. Nets (6) v. Raptors (3): I have no clue who is on the Raptors. They got the top draft pick last year, if memory serves, so I guess that went well. Nets in 6. Bulls (5) v. Heat (4): With all the talk about the Bulls losing the second seed, they still played Miami tough in last year’s opening round. Although the Heat have to be a good team; after all, Pat Riley has said that he will coach them next year. If the Heat were going to suck, Riles would be out like shout. Bulls in 6. EASTERN CONFERENCE -- SECOND ROUND Bulls (5) v. Pistons (4): I remember those Bulls/Pistons matchups from the late 1980s/early 1990s. Fuck MJ. Fuck Scottie Pippen. Pistons in 6. Nets (6) v. Cavs (2): I like Lebron. Cavs in 6. EASTERN CONFERENCE -- THIRD ROUND Cavs (2) v. Pistons (1): It’ll be like last year, only one round further. Pistons in 6. WESTERN CONFERENCE -- FIRST ROUND Warriors (8) v. Mavericks (1): No clue who is on the Warriors. I’ve heard they’ve beaten the Mavs as of late. Hooray for them. Mavericks in 5. Lakers (7) v. Suns (2): Hope you like scoring all those points, Kobe, because that’s all you have to look forward to. Suns in 5. Nuggets (6) v. Spurs (3): How has the Iverson experiment gone? I haven’t been paying attention. Spurs in 5. Rockets (5) v. Jazz (4): I’m surprised the Jazz did as good as they did. However, I heard that some European guy is hurt, and I’m not sure if it’s the really good white guy Utah has. I’m not taking any chances. Rockets in 6. WESTERN CONFERENCE -- SECOND ROUND Rockets (5) v. Mavericks (1): I like Yao. I like T-Mac. I don’t like Houston’s chances of moving on. Mavericks in 6. Spurs (3) v. Suns (2): I remember watching some of last years’ Spurs/Mavericks second-round playoff matchup. What a great contest that was. It’s a shame one of these teams has to lose. Spurs in 7. WESTERN CONFERENCE -- THIRD ROUND Spurs (3) v. Mavericks (1): I give the nod to Dallas because San Antonio will be worn out due to all that running in their last round. Mavericks in 6. NBA FINALS Pistons (1) v. Mavericks (1): Dallas will finish what they started last year, and I get to laugh when David Stern hands the trophy over to Mark Cuban just as he gets on his private jet to make more pro-terrorist films. Mavericks in 6.

Even though I thought Hill and Jason Kidd sharing co-Rookie of the Year was lame (I thought Kidd should have won it outright), it's a shame that Hill's ankle did him in like that. I just love Bo's name. Good to hear about your cat. If his remaining days are more comfortable that's all that matters.

C-Bacon came through in the clutch by posting that stupid Site Feedback thread so I could link that up instead of one of your inaccessible entries where you rippe on pseudo-hippies. How the hell did you get up so high on my list in the first place?

What Chris said. Oh, and I have that Blue Jays album that contains the song in your avatar line thingy below the bird.

KKK's Top 103 Posters Number 30: Lovecraft/Gary Floyd He hates freedom, to be sure. But he also hates commies, which is a bigger plus than the former is a minus. He likes horror movies, too. Really likes them. Update your blog, hippie. And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed. From Black Lushus: From Carnival: 6 p.m. • Being a tireless A-Rod defender, I was a bit nervous when he popped out with the bases loaded early on in the season. However, it looks like he’s doing rather well for himself as of late. If the Yankees reach the postseason, for his sake I hope Rodriguez can be money in October as he is in April. • So NBC showed that Jap’s video. (Korean, Japanese, what’s the difference?) If we really wanted to “understand” this nut, then his incoherent ramblings should have been aired uncensored (like my blog entries). But we can’t put this… …anywhere NEAR a video camera or printing press. Whatever. • Yeah, the story itself is dumb. What makes me laugh is the patriotic scarf. 1 p.m. • Remember that "pensis" ad I posted a while back? Well, this little gem paid a visit to my e-mail inbox just now.