kkktookmybabyaway

Once in a while. It's not like I go seeking this out; it just comes to me.

A Target recently opened next to my grocery store of choice, and the better half and I stop in there once a month or so to pick up her prescription that makes sure kkk jr.’s don't make their way into this world. Before heading over to the pharmacy, she stopped at a Starbucks mini-store inside this place. Seeing how it takes 10 minutes for these people to make one cup of anything, I plopped down on a nearby chair and stared off into space. This Target cashier chick who was sitting at a table next to mine had to have been on her break and was playing with her cell phone. She then began telling the chick making Mrs. kkk’s coffee about some new feature on this phone. Afterward, she started talking about how she needs to get pumpkin pie filling and evaporated milk before she leaves work today because tomorrow she doesn’t work or have to go to school and she is going to spend all day making pumpkin pies with her mom because this is the only time they’ll be able to do such a thing because she has to either work or go to school each day for the rest of the week and possibly next week and that she hasn’t made pumpkin pie or baked anything for the longest time and that she already has one can of pumpkin pie filling that has been on her mom’s counter for like TWO WEEKS and that she just hasn’t had time to bake and tomorrow is the only time for the rest of the week and possibly the next week that she’ll have to spend this quality time with her mom like she used to back when she didn’t have so many responsibilities and she hasn’t baked or had a slice of pumpkin pie in such a long time… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Oh for fuck’s sake someone load up a gun and put me out of my misery. Normally I can tolerate stupid co-worker banter, but not when it’s as retarded as this. At least when I had conversations with my fellow cashiers, I talked about stuff worth listening to. One line that really drew the ire of some old bitch back in the Quickie Mart days took place during that whole Susan Smith story – you know, that woman who drove her kids into a lake and then later said she was carjacked by some black guy. Anyway, this was during the time her scumbag defense team was trying to defend her using some bullshit excuse (probably molestation; I can’t remember what it was) and I said to my fellow cashier, “You know, why is it whenever a mom kills her kids these psychology experts want us to understand why she did it and how we’re supposed to show sympathy and understanding, but yet whenever there’s the slightest mention of a deadbeat dad in the media you have to beat these same feminazis back with a stick?” Although that aforementioned woman who I didn’t see standing in one of the snack aisles wasn’t amused by this remark, the guy at the coffee machines found it funny as hell – and if I can’t make at least half of my customers walk out of the store feeling better than when they did coming in, then what good am I? Back to Target. After I had enough of this gab, I started talking out loud to Mrs. kkk at the same volume this chick had been talking to the Starbucks cashier. Honey, are we getting our pumpkins for Halloween tonight from Giant Eagle or tomorrow and if we are then when are you going to carve them and if you do are you going to roast the pumpkin seeds like you do every year and if you do are you going to bake them in multiple flavors like you did last year I really liked the cinnamon ones you tried although the garlic ones were a bit too strong but you can’t beat the ones with just plain old salt hey if you do carve out the pumpkins this year what designs are you planning on I really liked the one of the haunted house you did last year by the way are you still using the same book of design ideas or did you get a new one this year I can’t remember hey are you going to make more of those cinnamon pumpkin seeds because I really liked them last year and are you going to use candles or some other source of lighting… It was about this time when Mrs. kkk paid for her coffee and told me to get the hell up. Well at least I didn’t have to hear about any more fucking pumpkin pie filling. And when grocery shopping finally commenced, we were in the foreign food aisle, which is just a fancy way of selling you overpriced crap. As the better half looked at a bottle of Chinese (yeah, right) orange glaze, she asked, “If you pour this over some meat, do you think you could make “Orange Beef”? At least the comment I made afterward didn’t result in the smack I received being one that caused any bruising. At least not yet.

I generally send any FWD’s that end up in my mailbox straight to the trash. However, whenever there’s some stupid test/survey/etc. I sometimes complete it just for shits and giggles. This one showed up in my inbox today. Yay. Without further ado, here we go. 1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon and early evening c) late at night Well, I used to be a night owl during my college days, but now that I wake up at 5 a.m. I must say that the early evening is when I shine. You usually walk… a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly I’m six-foot so I have to go with long steps. I also generally walk faster than most. 3. When talking to people you… a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair Now that I think about it, I have to say that for some reason I tend to touch/rub my chin a lot. 4. When relaxing, you sit with… a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you I sometimes do the one leg curled thing if I’m fiddling with the home computer, but generally my legs are stretched out. 5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile Chuckle, mostly because something has to be really funny to get a laugh out of me. What is it that makes me laugh? Well, there's the handicapped... 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you… a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed I’m so a “look around and cling to a familiar face” person at these kind of events. 7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes Due to the limited choices I have to say it varies. I normally don’t mind, but I don’t “welcome” the interruption. One of my philosophies is try not to get annoyed at these instances because one day I’ll be the interrupter and wouldn’t want someone to get pissy over me asking them a quick question about something or other. 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) Black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray When I was a kid, it was red. As I got older it was dark blue. Now it’s black. I don’t know why. 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are... a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers This is a routine I do often. I start out stretched on my back. I then do the head on one arm until the only thing on me that falls asleep is that particular limb. I then stretch out face down on my stomach before finally ending up on my left side, slightly curled. 10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant Other than that “Grudge” incident, I can’t recall a dream I’ve had in at least the past six months. Well, that was it. After adding up the points each of my specific answers had, I was placed in the following category. Well, this just proves something I’ve known for quite some time. Dr. Phil is an idiot.

Carolina at Cincinnati (3.5) Detroit at N.Y. Jets (3.5) Green Bay at Miami (4.5) (9.5) Jacksonville at Houston (5.5) New England at Buffalo (5.5) Philadelphia at Tampa Bay (2.5) Pittsburgh at Atlanta (5.5) San Diego at Kansas City (5.5) Denver at Cleveland (3.5) Arizona at Oakland Minnesota at Seattle (7.5) Washington at Indianapolis (9.5) N.Y. Giants at Dallas (3.5) Open date: Baltimore, Chicago, New Orleans, San Francisco, St. Louis, Tennessee Carolina (Fazzle 1-5) at Cincinnati (Teke 3-1-1) CAR: CAR/NYJ/GB/HOU/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/MIN/IND/NYG/23 CIN: CAR/NYJ/MIA/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/SEA/IND/NYG/21 DIFF: GB/MIA, HOU/JAX, MIN/SEA Detroit (Bravesfan 5-1) at N.Y. Jets (Gert T 3-2) DET: CIN/NYJ/MIA/HOU/BUF/TB/ATL/KC/CLE/OAK/SEA/IND/DAL/XX NYJ: CAR/NYJ/MIA/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/MIN/WAS/NYG/24 DIFF: CIN/CAR, HOU/JAX, BUF/NE, TB/PHI, ATL/PIT, KC/SD, CLE/DEN, OAK/AZ, SEA/MIN, IND/WAS, DAL/NYG Green Bay (Vitamin X 3-2) at Miami (Spaceman Spiff 2-4) GB: CAR/NYJ/GB/HOU/BUF/PHI/ATL/SD/CLE/AZ/MIN/IND/DAL/28 MIA: CIN/NYJ/MIA/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/CLE/AZ/MIN/IND/NYG/23 DIFF: CAR/CIN, GB/MIN, HOU/JAX, BUF/NE, ATL/PIT, DAL/NYG, 28/23 Jacksonville (Always Pissed Off 3-2) at Houston (Bored 2-3) JAX: CAR/NYJ/MIA/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/MIN/IND/DAL/27 HOU: CIN/NYJ/GB/JAX/BUF/TB/PIT/KC/CLE/AZ/SEA/IND/DAL/10 DIFF: CAR/CIN, MIA/GB, NE/BUF, PHI/TB, SD/KC, DEN/CLE, MIN/SEA New England (nl-asshole 0-4-1) at Buffalo (Bob Barron 3-3) NE: CAR/NYJ/GB/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/CLE/AZ/SEA/IND/NYG/31 BUF: CIN/NYJ/MIA/HOU/BUF/TB/ATL/KC/CLE/OAK/SEA/IND/DAL/XX DIFF: CAR/CIN, GB/MIA, JAX/HOU, NE/BUF, PHI/TB, PIT/ATL, SD/KC, AZ/OAK, NYG/DAL Philadelphia (Harley Quinn 4-1-1) at Tampa Bay (Starvenger 2-3) PHI: CAR/NYJ/GB/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/SEA/WAS/DAL/27 TB: CAR/NYJ/GB/HOU/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/OAK/SEA/IND/NYG/17 DIFF: JAX/HOU, AZ/OAK, WAS/IND, DAL/NYG, 27/17 Pittsburgh (Kahran Ramsus 2-3) at Atlanta (King of the 909 5-0) PIT: CAR/NYJ/GB/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/KC/DEN/AZ/SEA/WAS/DAL/28 ATL: CIN/DET/MIA/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/SEA/IND/NYG/10 DIFF: CAR/CIN, NYJ/DET, GB/MIA, KC/SD, WAS/IND, DAL/NYG, 28/10 San Diego (Porter 3-2) at Kansas City (Alfdogg 4-1) SD: CAR/NYJ/GB/JAX/NE/PHI/ATL/SD/DEN/AZ/SEA/WAS/DAL/34 KC: CIN/NYJ/GB/HOU/NE/PHI/ATL/SD/DEN/AZ/MIN/WAS/NYG/21 DIFF: CAR/CIN, JAX/HOU, SEA/MIN, DAL/NYG, 34/21 Denver (Canadian Chris 2-3) at Cleveland (SFA Jack 5-0) DEN: CAR/NYJ/GB/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/MIN/WAS/NYG/18 CLE: CIN/NYJ/MIA/HOU/NE/PHI/ATL/SD/CLE/AZ/SEA/IND/NYG/XX DIFF: CAR/CIN, GB/MIA, JAX/HOU, PIT/ATL, DEN/CLE, MIN/SEA, WAS/IND Arizona (Vern Gagne 3-3) at Oakland (Smues 3-2) AZ: CAR/NYJ/GB/HOU/NE/TB/ATL/SD/CLE/AZ/SEA/IND/NYG/31 OAK: CAR/NYJ/GB/JAX/NE/TB/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/MIN/WAS/NYG/10 DIFF: HOU/JAX, ATL/PIT, CLE/DEN, SEA/MIN, IND/WAS Minnesota (Danville Wrestling 2-3) at Seattle (C Dubya 3-2) MIN: CAR/NYJ/GB/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/MIN/WAS/NYG/23 SEA: CIN/NYJ/MIA/HOU/BUF/TB/PIT/KC/CLE/AZ/MIN/WAS/DAL/XX DIFF: CAR/CIN, GB/MIA, JAX/HOU, NE/BUF, PHI/TB, SD/KC, DEN/CLE, NYG/DAL, 23/XX Washington (Human Fly 2-4) at Indianapolis (Prime Time Andrew Doyle 3-2) WAS: CAR/NYJ/MIA/JAX/NE/PHI/ATL/SD/DEN/AZ/SEA/INDDAL/18 IND: CIN/NYJ/MIA/JAX/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/MIN/IND/DAL/31 DIFF: CAR/CIN, ATL/PIT, SEA/MIN N.Y. Giants (Cartman 2-3) at Dallas (Hawk34 2-3) NYG: CIN/NYJ/MIA/HOU/NE/PHI/PIT/SD/DEN/AZ/SEA/IND/DAL/23 DAL:CIN/NYJ/GB/JAX/NE/TB/ATL/SD/CLE/AZ/SEA/IND/DAL/28 DIFF: MIA/GB, HOU/JAX, PHI/TB, PIT/ATL, DEN/CLE Open date: Baltimore (King PK 3-3), Chicago (Agent of Oblivion 1-5), New Orleans (Cena’s Writer 1-4-1), San Francisco (Lightning Flik 1-5), St. Louis (Canadian Guitarist 2-4), Tennessee (Cuban Linx 4-2)

Alf, your results were spot on, which is why I'm not going to re-type them in my first post. I think last week my bob barron "mistake" was that I also gave Gert T's win to him, too -- it's changed for this week. AFC EAST Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 4-3 < PF: 55, PA: 53, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 1-2, DIV: 3-1 > New York Jets (Gert T) 4-3 < PF: 50, PA: 45, AFC: 4-2, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 1-1 > Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 2-5 < PF: 45, PA: 53, AFC: 2-4, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 2-1 > New England Patriots (nl-asshole) 0-5-1 < PF: 45, PA: 43, AFC: 0-4-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-4 > AFC NORTH Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 5-1 < PF: 44, PA: 40, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 2-0, DIV: 2-0 > Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) 3-2-1 < PF: 40, PA: 43, AFC: 2-1-1, NFC: 1-1, DIV: 1-1 > Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) 3-3 < PF: 41, PA: 42, AFC: 2-3, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 0-1 > Baltimore Ravens (King PK) 3-3 < PF: 39, PA: 39, AFC: 1-2, NFC: 2-0, DIV: 0-1 > AFC SOUTH Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 4-2 < PF: 44, PA: 40, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 1-1, DIV: 2-0 > Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 4-2 < PF: 42, PA: 40, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 2-0, DIV: 1-0 > Indianapolis Colts (Prime Time Andrew Doyle) 3-3 < PF: 47, PA: 42, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 1-1, DIV: 1-2 > Houston Texans (Bored) 2-4 < PF: 46, PA: 48, AFC: 1-2, NFC: 1-2, DIV: 0-2 > AFC WEST Kansas City Chiefs (Alfdogg) 5-1 < PF: 47, PA: 39, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 2-0, DIV: 2-0 > Oakland Raiders (Smues) 3-3 < PF: 49, PA: 46, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 1-1, DIV: 1-1 > Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) 3-3 < PF: 40, PA: 43, AFC: 3-2, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 1-1 > San Diego Chargers (Porter) 3-3 < PF: 44, PA: 42, AFC: 2-3, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 0-2 > NFC EAST Philadelphia Eagles (Harley Quinn) 4-2-1 < PF: 54, PA: 55, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 3-2-1, DIV: 2-0 > Dallas Cowboys (Hawk 34) 3-3 < PF: 44, PA: 42, AFC: 1-1, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 1-2 > Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 3-4 < PF: 46, PA: 45, AFC: 0-4, NFC: 3-0, DIV: 1-1 > New York Giants (Cartman) 2-4 < PF: 45, PA: 45, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 2-3, DIV: 1-2 > NFC NORTH Detroit Lions (Bravesfan) 6-1 < PF: 54, PA: 50, AFC: 2-0, NFC: 4-1, DIV: 2-1 > Green Bay Packers (Vitamin X) 4-2 < PF: 43, PA: 38, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 3-2, DIV: 2-0 > Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 3-3 < PF: 43, PA: 40, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 3-2, DIV: 1-1 > Chicago Bears (Agent Of Oblivion) 1-5 < PF: 37, PA: 47, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-5, DIV: 0-3 > NFC SOUTH Atlanta Falcons (King Of The 909) 5-1 < PF: 47, PA: 41, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 5-0, DIV: 3-0 > Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Starvenger) 3-3 < PF: 47, PA: 45, AFC: 0-2, NFC: 3-1, DIV: 2-1 > Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 2-5 < PF: 46, PA: 44, AFC: 1-2, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 1-2 > New Orleans Saints (Cena’s Writer) 1-4-1 < PF: 44, PA: 46, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 1-3-1, DIV: 0-3 > NFC WEST Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 4-3 < PF: 55, PA: 45, AFC: 1-1, NFC: 3-2, DIV: 2-1 > Seattle Seahawks (C Dubya) 3-3 < PF: 45, PA: 45, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 3-3, DIV: 2-0 > St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) 2-4 < PF: 43, PA: 46, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 1-4, DIV: 0-3 > San Francisco 49ers (Lightning Flik) 1-5 < PF: 32, PA: 43, AFC: 1-2, NFC: 1-2, DIV: 1-1 >

Hell if I know.

No you can't. It was a good idea. Of course, I'm one of those anti-interleague assholes.

Most of the time I can’t stand the media, but I don’t know which is worse: national or local press. You’ve got the national media that never leaves their news offices in New York City or Washington, D.C., and thinks that anyone who doesn’t live in these two regions is in flyover country. Then again, you’ve got the other side of the coin with local media and the stupid stories that appear at roughly the same every year. On the commute home this afternoon I was listening to a local top-of-the-hour newscast, and one of the top stories was about people in the southwestern Pennsylvania area seeing the first snowflakes of the season. Christ almighty, these so-called reporters were even asking these people what the snowflakes looked like. They looked like snow you assholes. But this isn’t as bad as whenever the price of gasoline rises and these on-the-scene reporters ask people filling up their SUVs how they feel about the sudden jump in gas prices. What the fuck do you expect to get? “You know, I was thinking just the other day that I wasn’t paying enough for my 93 Premium.” Of course you’re going to get a bunch of nimrods going, “RAAAAR I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE RAAAAR!” Another favorite “story” is whenever the local cable company raises rates and the newscasters act like this is some breaking story. “OMG HOLD ON TO YOUR WALLETS CABLE PRICES ARE GOING UP BY 10 PERCENT!!” Christ, it’s only a few dollars; it’s not that big a deal, and if it is then your household has other problems and shouldn’t even be ordering cable in the first place. Put down the food stamps and use your cable money for something else. Whenever I was in college, a similar event took place every spring when the cost of tuition for the next school year would increase. Yeah, like this ever came as a surprise; the real story would be if tuition went DOWN for one year. This reminds me of a story back during my school newspaper days when there was this announced tuition increase that also included another provision that basically eliminated subsidies for students who were not commuter students but didn’t live in the dorms. Basically these freeloaders were taking financial aid just for living in apartments in the city, but with the shitty dorms in the college I attended for two-and-a-half years who could blame any of these kids? Then again, with the school’s dorms always only one-half to three-fourths full, why should this college be giving money to students to live elsewhere? Shit, after I stopped to read what this new policy was, I actually gained a little bit of respect for the college’s administration for cutting off the moochers. Shit, the dorm vacancies were so bad our college was accepting students from the area’s one culinary school to live in the dorms. It was funny seeing these poor students, who would spend all day in hell’s kitchen, bitch to one another about having to go back into their stuffy, dilapidated dorm rooms. Well anyway, our school paper did an article about this new policy, which was basically a re-write of an article some real reporter in a real newspaper room wrote the week before. Of course, when it came time to write our newspaper’s editorial on the matter, it was funny to see the reaction some of our profs had when our opinion didn’t favor the students. I think part of our anti-student opinion stemmed from the fact most of us who wrote the piece were commuter students and didn’t give a fuck about some freeloader getting a subsidy to live away from the dorms when there was more than enough space for them to get their ass in one of these rooms. Hey, that’s part of that whole “college experience” I missed out on because I lived with mommy and worked 40+ hours per week. ... Where the hell was I going with this?

If you PM'd them, do you have a PM by me thanking you for your submission? (My PM to you would probably have your selected picks in "quote" form.) I will not post your selections until you have confirmed this one way or the other.

Deadline has come and gone. Here's a problem. I'm at work and my EP's are at home. So Barron, Dubya and Bravesfan will be doing the EP thing but their opponents will not know which games will determine the winner of each matchup. Uh, I guess you'll just have to hope all your teams win.

• Before I get on with my NFL pickkks this week, what the hell is up with fast-food customers allegedly finding human body parts in their food? A year or so ago there was that infamous finger-in-the-chili incident at Wendy’s which turned out to be nothing more than a scam. Now there are allegations of a Subway in California selling finger foods. • Seventh verse same as the first. Carolina at Cincinnati (3.5) Cincinnati lost last week at Tampa Bay, got whipped at home against New England a few weeks back. Carolina seems to win a lot on the road, so I’ll take the Panthers in this one. Detroit at N.Y. Jets (3.5) The Lions won their game for the season, and now it’s back to losing. Besides, Detroit’s baseball team lost Game 1 of the World Series last night, so the bad mojo will carry over to the Lions. Green Bay at Miami (4.5) Miami is favored? By four-and-a-half points? I have to pick the Packers. (9.5) Jacksonville at Houston Nine-and-a-half points is a bunch, but I’ll side with the Jags on this one. (5.5) New England at Buffalo Buffalo played the Pats tough earlier this season, but New England has been playing well as of late and the Bills have struggled as of late. (5.5) Philadelphia at Tampa Bay Will the Eagles lose two games in a row to the NFC South? Will the Buccaneers win two games in a row? I’ll take the first option. (2.5) Pittsburgh at Atlanta Mark Madden has predicted an easy Steelers win, and if Mark is taking the Steelers for the win that’s saying something. (5.5) San Diego at Kansas City This Chiefs got whopped last week, but now they’re playing at home against a divisional foe. I’ll still go with the Chargers nevertheless. (5.5) Denver at Cleveland The Broncos couldn’t cover the spread against the Raiders, but could that have been in part to Oakland being in the same division as Denver? I’ll say sure and take Denver. (3.5) Arizona at Oakland Talk about clash of the titans – and Vince Young is nowhere to be seen. I’ll say this about the NFL: when games match up two good teams the games are very very good, but when the match ups are with bad teams the games are horrid. Leinart played well enough Monday night against the Bears to beat the Raiders. Minnesota at Seattle (7.5) The Seahawks haven’t been playing as well without Shaun Alexander in the starting lineup, but they are playing at home. I think Seattle will win, but it will be close. Washington at Indianapolis (9.5) Will the Colts sleepwalk through this contest? I don’t know. I’ll take Washington, although I hope they snap out of their recent funk. N.Y. Giants at Dallas (3.5) Dallas has played well against the Hostons and Tennessees of the league, but how about the better teams? I’ll take New York and hope they don’t do a repeat of their stinker of a game up in Seattle earlier this season. Holy cow that's a lot of road teams. No wonder I'm terrible at this.

Actually, with my coupon it was only $479.

Well I just ordered my Baby Bling Frosted Bottle Case -- for $480.

Well today was fun. Like I said yesterday, I am dealing with a cold. It’s nothing major – just a 100-101 fever – but when you’re going into work for nine hours, it feels much worse. On the bright side of things, I was the only one in the building today. After I coughed on a few keyboards and licked several computer screens that belonged to my co-workers, I went about doing the job thing. That was at 11 a.m. Fast forward to 8:15 p.m. I did what I wanted to do. Got to pimp in my sweatpants, scratch the stubble on my unshaven face and listen to music that is normally inappropriate for the workplace. So far so good. Then I started the commute home. My usual workday schedule is 6:30 a.m. – 3 p.m., and this is because most days I am able to avoid rush-hour traffic. Sure there can be some minor backups, but nothing like the way it is at 9 a.m. or 5 p.m. Normally it would only take me 45 minutes one way during a normal workday, but since the better half and I carpool this extended trip usually eats up another 15 minutes. No biggie. After all, we’re saving on gas, parking (Mrs. kkk would otherwise have to park in the city with one of the highest, if not the highest, parking tax in the country) and general wear and tear on two automobiles; seeing how one of our cars is an ’88 Corsica with 140,000+ miles, let’s just say that “Crappy the White Car” (what my 9-year-old nephew-in-law calls our secondary vehicle) has survived well past his normal expiration date. Now one of the plusses of working weekends is that there is virtually no traffic and I oftentimes can get to work in just 30 minutes on these special occasions. I think you know where I’m going with this here entry. I got into the car and started my journey home. The first leg of my commute went fine. I got on and off the Parkway West and headed onto the second leg of the trip, which is the Parkway East. Now if traffic is REALLY backed up on this disaster of a road, I am able to get off at a Shittsburgh exit, drive through the city and end up on Rt. 30, which is the final major road on my adventure home. Sure it takes a little longer, but it’s still more efficient than sitting in gridlock on this interstate highway. Well tonight, right after I passed this exit, which is like my “last chance stop” from taking the Parkway East I saw all those rear red lights. Oh, fuck. Whenever I run into gridlock I sometimes like to look at the clock and time how much time I spent in the traffic jam. The time was 8:23 p.m. As I sat in this traffic I began wondering what was going on: Was there an accident? Did some major social event just conclude? Wait a second, this is Shittsburgh. OK, where is the accident? As I took out “The History of the Clash, Disc 2” from the CD player I suddenly had the local RIGHT-WING RADIO station on, and there was a live broadcast of the Shitt v. Rutgers college football game. Christ, I forgot that this game was an evening contest. Wait a second, it was early in the fourth quarter and Pitt was driving for a touchdown; no way this traffic from that game. And there go two police cars with their lights on. SHIT! A few miles pass and still now sign of an accident. Hell, I don’t even see the flashing lights in the distance. I was hoping the accident took place at a merge point that’s right next to the Squirrel Hill Tunnels. I can pass the scene, view the carnage and shoot through the tunnels. I used to not look at accident scenes, but now I figure if I have to be stuck in traffic for an unspecified period of time then I get a free glance at what was delaying my ride home. Uh-oh. The yellow caution lights are flashing right before the tunnels, and there is still no accident, or flashing lights, in sight. It is now 8:50 p.m. and I’m in the middle of tunnels. Oh please don’t let a car in front of me break down. You know what pisses me off about automobile accidents? You don’t know who to get pissed off at. In most accidents there’s usually an asshole that caused the accident and then the victim that has his or her car totaled. I’m not going to blame that person, but I so want to throw a piece of chewing gum at or give the middle finger to the NASCAR driver wanna-be who thought a two lane road was actually the Talageda Speedway. I think there should be a law that if you recklessly drive and cause an accident, then you owe everyone who was stuck in your mess a full tank of gasoline. Well I’m now out of the tunnels, and my greatest fear was revealed. The flashing lights are another mile or two down the road at this other exit that has a dangerous merge point. But a funny thing happened on my way to the flashing lights – there was no accident. Or at least there was no accident in view. But I did notice that the Swissvale exit, which is right before that aforementioned merge point, was experiencing a backup of monumental proportions. So there was no accident on the Parkway and the backup I’ve been experiencing for the 40+ minutes was because of this?! You got to be shitting me. Once I got past this exit there was NO TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD. Where the fuck did all these cars that were in front of me wind up going? You know, when you live near a shit-town one of the perks is that there shouldn’t be these kinds of traffic stoppages. Oh, and the Panthers lost. Was there any doubt? You can’t play the freakin’ Citadel every week. Anyway, once I got off the Parkway it was 9:10 p.m. – my commute home so far has reached 55 minutes, and I still had to go onto Rt. 30. Who knows what excitement lurks here? Surprisingly, this leg of my trip wasn’t too bad. However, that was because I was mostly in the left-hand lane for the whole time. There’s this one stretch of road that for some reason cars just break down at, and this is not a good spot to break down. Now it’s dark out and the speed limit is 45 mph, which means most everyone is going at least 15 mph above that. I noticed the broken down car in the righ-hand lane, and then I noticed a car behind me swerving into the left lane to avoid it, almost hitting another vehicle in the process. And the best part was there were no flares. Nobody trying to warn other motorists. Just a car with blinking lights. I thanked my lucky stars I was leaving this soon-to-be accident scene. Oddly enough, a few miles down the road I saw a police car and ambulance speed by me going toward where that broken-down car was located. I finally got home at 9:30 p.m. What was normally a 40-to-45-minute drive at this time of night took twice as long to complete. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to get off at that Swissvale exit. I'm still pondering whether to return to the office tomorrow. At least the Steelers are playing at Atlanta Sunday.

• Oh today has been a fun one. For starters, the better half has been sick the last few days, which of course means it’s my turn to get sick. I was expecting, and I received. Late last night my throat began getting sore, and this morning my voice was kaput. However, since this is a busy time at my job, I still got ready to go to work. Not only am I a trooper, but also I was hoping to infect the rest of the building – I’ll have to wait a week or so to see how successful Operation Spread the Germs turned out. But it only gets better from here. As I was driving to work on a dark, rainy road, I suddenly noticed this rather large truck (think those U-Hauls with $39.99/day painted on the side of them) that began to merge into my lane. It’s always nice to see your life flash before your eyes when a vehicle much larger than yours starts to make its way to the spot you’re currently occupying. Fortunately I slammed on the brakes and swerved out of the way. After laying on the horn for about a minute I wrote this asshole’s license plate down, called his employer after I got in to work and said some not-so-nice things. Then, in a weird twist of fate, I heard the following on my local RIGHT-WING RADIO station: Wonderful. So maybe next time when I blast on my car's horn in hopes of not getting crushed to death, I'll know that the red diaper doper babies who allowed the blind/deaf/mute driver to control several tons' worth of vehicle made sure he or she wasn't a victim of employer discrimination. • CNN aired footage of terrorist snipers trying to pick off American troops. I guess I could ask why the CNN didn’t show, in order to bring to light the “unvarnished truth” about terrorists, Michael Berg’s beheading. I guess I could also ask why CNN, and the rest of the media, no longer show footage of airplanes going into the World Trade Center, or the video of people stuck in the Twin Towers jumping to their deaths. Fine. But now I’ll remind myself that CNN is the same cable news network that wouldn't show those Danish Mohammad cartoons. • Well, at least there’s one front to the War on Terrorism that’s succeeding. NBC is ready to cut. Mercury News announces layoffs. Inqurer, Daily News layoffs expected. New York Times quarterly profit falls. Even in these troubled times, it still pays to see the silver lining around a dark cloud. Courage, Medium-Large Media. Courage.

I do. Because I'm an asshole. The best comedy is always unintentional. And here I thought Banky found his calling as our board's resident Nostradamus. Maybe next time.

Because there's always next year.

How old are we talking? And who hired you?

Don't you need a job first, King?

Since we're on this subject -- how long do you usually use a razor before throwing it away?

For his sake I hope Supes isn't black.

That's why you try to get them drunk in the cozy confines of your dorm or apartment. The fact I'm saying this to someone with a "I'm with a rapist" avatar makes me laugh for some reason.

(1.5) Buffalo at Detroit. Correct. Like I’ve said before, every team has to win at least one game per season, except for maybe the Raiders. Carolina at Baltimore (3.5). Incorrect. I should have known better that one little injury to a starter isn’t going to stop the Panthers. Well, unless that person injured is Steve Smith. (6.5) Cincinnati at Tampa Bay. Incorrect. Wow. Not only did the Bengals fail to cover, but they actually lost the game. Houston at Dallas (13.5). Correct. If the Cowboys just played teams from Texas, or teams that used to call the Lonestar State home, they’d be unstoppable. But then again, which team wouldn’t be? N.Y. Giants at Atlanta (3.5). Correct. I don’t even remember picking the Giants. While I’m on this subject, Tiki Barber recently announced that this may be his last year playing in the NFL. While I’ve heard many people on ESPN saying, “Noooooo, stay a few more years and you'll be a sure-fire Hall of Famer,” I say good for Tiki. I actually thought this would be the season where his skills plummet and his body breaks down from years of wear and tear. It looks like I’m probably wrong in guessing this was the year Barber crashes and burns, but being a running back in your early 30s usually means it’s time to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure Barber knows his own body better than any of us, and if he wants to go out on top of his game, then I say good for him. Let’s see him and someone like Jerome Bettis or Eddie George 30 years from now try to walk up a flight of steps and then decide who make the best choice regarding knowing when to leave the NFL playing field. Then again this could all be a big scam for him to get more money out of his contract. If that's the case, then fuck him. Nah, I can't hate a brotha for wanting to get paid. (3.5) Philadelphia at New Orleans. Incorrect. Nuts. The Eagles were prime for an upset, what with their big win against Dallas the week before. Oh well. The Saints earned this one. Goof for them. (3.5) Seattle at St. Louis. Incorrect. Shit. Seattle won, but didn’t cover. That’s a loss to me. Bastards. Tennessee at Washington (10.5). Correct. Damn, I was expecting this game to be close, but I didn’t Tennessee would win. Guess Washington is in more trouble that I originally thought. Kansas City at Pittsburgh (6.5). Incorrect. Ouch. This one hurt almost as much as that tackle Larry Johnson put on Troy Polamalu by throwing him down by the hair. And what was Johnson supposed to do – let Troy run in for the touchdown? If your hair is down to the point where it covers the name on the back of your jersey, then it’s fair game. Miami at N.Y. Jets (2.5). Correct. As every week passes, it’s more and more amazing to think that Miami was predicted to be a Super Bowl contender. Well, they could always win their last seven games. Again. (10.5) San Diego at San Francisco. Correct. It’s so much better being on the winning end of a lopsided game than having it be the other way. Oakland at Denver (15.5). Incorrect. Denver may have “lost,” but Oakland still keeps that perfect record in tact. (11.5) Chicago at Arizona. Incorrect. Talk about a meltdown. I turned on the television and saw the last play of the third quarter. (Or was it second-to-last? No matter.) Seeing Matt Leinart get sacked and the Chicago defense taking the fumbled ball in for a touchdown got me thinking that this game could be interesting to watch. I was right. Oakland may be the worst team out there, but the Cardinals are the most pathetic franchise in the NFL and one of the worst in all of sports. Then again, they got a new stadium and will make a buttload of cash, so who cares what the on-field product is like when you got a phat check coming in thanks to revenue sharing? This week’s record: 6-7. Cumulative record: 40-47. Hey, I’m only a touchdown’s worth of picks behind. The Bears made up more than that in the fourth quarter of their game Monday night, and I’m only headed into Week 7. Oh who am I kidding? This is only going to get worse.

It always amazes me that people who get banned always seem to come back. Yet this place sucks.

I told you before, beeyotch, kitties are my cause -- humans can take care of themselves. And go join this guy out by the one street corner in my neck of the woods, beeyotch.