EL DANDY~! for Barely Legal
-Hey there...I’m EL DANDY~! I’m venturing back out into the IWC as a reviewer, but this time, under a different persona. I used to write for this little place called www.gwpwrestling.com, under the pen of The Wrestling Laureate, but it caved in, and I was forced to the boards, where I’d do reviews for matches that I liked. I have been recruited as a writer and a reviewer for the site, so lets go back to the PPV that put ECW on the map...
-April 13, 1997, from the ECW Arena in South Philly, PA...this is Barely LEGAL...
-Your sole announcer for the evening is MISTAH Joey Styles...
-And speaking of MISTAH Styles, he welcomes us to the PPV (or DVD in my case). It’s really sad to think that their first PPV comes two years after arguably their best year ever...you know, since they had Benoit, Guerrero, Malenko, Scorpio, Sabu (when he was good), Taz, The Triple Threat (The good one), and the Dreamer/Raven feud. Styles is about to go down the card when Los Dudleyz come out to interrupt. Sign Guy Dudley ends up becoming Lou E. Dangerously, and D-Von and Bubba, well, you know the drill. JOEL GERTNER~! He comes in lookin’ spry and D-Von bitches out the fans as we go to the official introduction of the PPV...
-When we come back, Gertner rhymes...
“The people have come from miles around,
and plunked their money down,
just to hear the sweet melodic sound,
of the Quintessential Stud Muffin...Joel Gertner.”
So then he does his OWN hilarious intro for the Dudleyz, and then this segues to our opener...
-ECW World Tag Team Championship-Los Dudleys (w/Sign Guy Dudley) © vs. The Eliminators
The Elims hit the ring and the Dudleyz scurry off, but Sign Guy is like heroic or something and tries to hit them with a sign, so he gets Total Elimination right off the bat...so the Duds attack them from behind as Saturn takes a reverse DDT from D-Von. Bubba works over Kronus in the corner and then yells out “MOTHERFUCKER!” before powerbombing him in the center of the ring. D-Von then comes off the top rope with a diving headbutt. That gets 2. They bring Saturn in and whip him into the ropes together. Bubba gets a tilt-a-whirl sideslam as D-Von comes off the ropes with a splash. That gets 2 as Kronus saves. The Dudleys hit the DudleyPlex (Vertical Suplex/High Crossbody) on Kronus for 2 as Saturn saves. They whip Saturn in, who ducks the double clothesline and Lionsaults between both of them and nails them with a double dropkick. He hits a clothesline on both Dudleyz before running into a Bubba Slam. They whip Kronus in for 3D, but Saturn sidekicks D-Von and Kronus hits a spinning leg lariat on Bubba. The Elims hit spinning roundhouse kicks to D-Von and whip Bubba into the corner. They hit some really stupid stereo martial arts offense and then hit some slams (not in stereo) that segue into stereo twisting splashes. Dudleyz get to the apron, but the Elims knock em back to the floor. Kronus then lifts Saturn into a Saturnsault to the outside, and then Kronus hits one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen a big man do, a Space Flying Tiger Drop to the outside. Wow. Saturn goes Ohtani like and hits a springboard spinning leg lariat, and Kronus hits a handspring elbow. Slam for Bubba, and Saturn gets a HUGE Savage Elbow. They whip D-Von in, who ducks the double clothesline, a double leapfrog, but doesn’t duck the elbows and the kicks to the head (in stereo). Saturn slams Bubba and hits a double jump Saturnsault. A slam for D-Von, and a 450 splash from Kronus, which isn’t THAT fucking impressive since I’m 280 pounds and can do the exact same thing. Whip for Bubba, who gets stereo kicks, and then gets stereo kicks to the chest and back. Total Elimination finishes at 6:15, and the Elims are 3-time champs. OK, so that is why they are the best team in wrestling at that time? It was a SPOT-FEST...just because you can do some spots doesn’t mean you rule the tag team division of the world. Just ask the Hardys, who hardly team anymore. Match was no more impressive then a post ‘96 Sabu match. *3/4 Post match is hilarious as Gertner comes in and determines that the Dudleys actually won via the Studmuffin Scoring System, 86-83. OF COURSE, The Elims don’t like that, so it’s Total Elimination for Gertner, which fucks up his neck in the process...the same reason he was wearing the neck brace as a color commentator for Joey Styles all those years afterwards. Oh, and the Elims couldn’t even go three minutes of real wrestling with Owen/Jarrett or Owen/Bulldog at the time, so they can shove it.
-Joey explains how “No Gimmicks Needed” Chris Candido messed up his bicep so that he couldn’t compete against former Triple Threat mate Lance...Storm. They go to Candido who talks about how he went to the WWF and won the tag titles and was at WrestleMania a year before...blah blah blah. He talks about how Taz/Sabu should be the main event, not the three-way dance, and then tells The SandHak to come out and hit him with a cane, but he tells him that he’s allergic to cigarette smoke and that Singapore is a little pussy country, so he should hit him with a JERSEY cane. Oh, snap...and then he runs down Big Stevie Cool and Terry F’n Funk and then says that he will be part of this show somehow.
-Lance...Storm vs. Rob Van Dam (no thumbs)
Rob is Candido’s replacement. “You Sold Out” chant for Rob, which gets interesting as the night progresses. Lance has the gay ponytail, which he smartly cuts off later...thank God. They lockup and Rob gets a waistlock, but Lance backs him into the corner to break. They lockup again and Lance is driven back to the corner, but Rob doesn’t break clean and gets some elbow shots in. Whip to the corner, but Lance tips-up and over Rob and grabs a headlock. Rob whips him in and they do the standard shoulderblock sequence, but Lance comes out of it with a Benoit-esque lariat. Lance with some elbows and back to the headlock. Turned into a top wristlock by Van Dam, who then nails Lance with some kicks to the chest, an armdrag, and a springboard cross-body that gets 1. Rob then pulls Lance out and follows with a nice Tope Con Hilo. Rob establishes that he can indeed point to himself, and then slams Lance. He vaults to the top and gets a Guillotine Legdrop for 2, as he gets the very weak cover. Rob whips Lance to the corner who LEAPS to the top rope and gets a Springboard Back Elbow. Lance hangs Rob out to dry and dropkicks him to the outside. Lance’s plancha misses, and RVD hits the Springboard Moonsault off the railing. Rob has a chair, and Lance is whipped to the corner, where he bounces right back to meet Mr. Chair. Mr. Modesty takes a bow, and the tries to establish the thumb-point again. No dice, as Lance is slumped in the corner, and Rob hits the running dropkick with the chair into Lance’s dome. Lance tries to fight back, but Rob stops him and hits the Flapjack. Rob then vaults to the top and hits the Frog Splash, but it’s not quite *****, so it gets 2. Rob gets a chair again, and nails Lance again. Lance is whipped to the corner, where Rob wants his Monkey Flip onto the chair, but Lance moves, and he gets RVD with a WEIRD Burning Hammer faceplant onto the chair. Rob with some elbows and whips Lance in, but he misses his spinning leg lariat. Lance doesn’t. Lance whips Rob to the corner and hits a Handspring Splash. Lance hits his patented Springboard Lariat for 2. Lance whips in RVD for the Rolling Boston Crab, and then he switches to a Single Leg. SUBMISSION? IN PHILLY? AND YOUR NAME ISN’T TAZ? YOU WISH! So Rob makes the ropes. Lance whips Rob in, who grabs the ropes while Lance feints a dropkick. Lance charges and is lifted up and over to the apron. RVD charges but gets a couple shoulderblocks, and then trips Lance up for his Slingshot Guillotine Legdrop, which Lance was practically WAITING for. Lance catches the chair and MOVES on the Van Daminator (finally!). However, he hits a PUSSY chairshot on RVD, which he HAS to sell. Good grief. Lance then hits a Ligerbomb on the chair for 2. Rob sets up a chair, which Lance gladly Guillotine Legdrops him down upon for 2. Rob ducks a lariat and gets a waistlock, which is reversed, so Rob runs to the ropes and holds on, so Lance releases and dropkicks him in the back of the noogin. Rob UN FOULOs Lance and then UN FOULOs him on the ropes as well, which sets up Rob’s fucked-up Springboard Back Elbow, complete with the crowd chanting, “YOU FUCKED UP!” Joey sells it like a pro, but I still don’t buy it, and the move gets 2. Lance gets a German for 2. Lance then hits two HORRIBLE chair shots, and then Rob jumps up and hits the Van Daminator. Standing Moonsault gets the 3 at 10:08. Lance needed to go to the Balls Mahoney school for chairshots, but then he remembered he came from THE DUNGEON, so he did this thing called wrestling and he is currently over doing the bit Bret Hart was doing at that exact same time. Match wasn’t anything to call home to mommy about. *3/4 Rob then cuts a KILLER promo afterwards, and if you watch, it just makes the crowd hate him even MORE. It gets even better later.
-Michinoku Pro 6-man: Kaientai DX (TAKA Michinoku, DICK~! Togo, and Men’s Teioh) vs. The Great Sasuke, Gran Hamada, and Masato Yakushiji
Yakushiji is substituting for Crab Boy Naniwa. He is also the man of 1000 armdrags. KDX eventually made it to the WWF, where TAKA and Sho Funaki were the ones who decided to stay (Funaki didn’t make this trip.) Sasuke is...well, Sasuke and Gramps Hamada is 45 years old and STILL kicks ass in this. KDX is REPRESENTIN’, fool, as they are all wearing the bWo shirts...and they still bring a tear to my eye wearing that shit. Sasuke, in all his SWANKNESS, is wearing the kick-ass Dragon robe to the ring. Also, this match stems from the AWESOME multi-tag matches that Michinoku Pro became famous for, and I’ve seen the two best ones, the 10/10/96 match (also known as the greatest spotfest ever done) and the rematch in December, which rocked my fucking world as well.
Gramps and TAKA start, and as I saw this, I KNEW that old man Hamada needed to teach the young punk a lesson, so he starts off with an armdrag. Greco-Roman Knucklelock, which Hamada breaks with a Front Dropkick. Hamada gets a snapmare and a slam, and gets another snapmare, which holds TAKA in place for a Double Stomp from Yakushiji. Kids, say it with me now...PERRO~! Slam and a legdrop by Masato gets 2. Sasuke comes in and UNLOADS on TAKA with some HUGE kicks. Suplex is blocked, and TAKA brings Sasuke over to his corner, and Men’s Teioh comes in. Snapmare, and then KDX hits one of their signature spots, where EVERYONE bounces off the ropes and hits something, as TAKA drops a lightning elbow, DICK~! hits the FAT ASS SOMERSAULT SENTON~! and Men’s hits the Dusty Elbow drop. They all pose and shit because they ROCK, and TAKA whips Sasuke in for a spinebuster, into a Boston Crab, into the Camel Clutch, and Togo gets the dropkick to the face. KAIENTAI~! Togo works over Sasuke with elbows and a slam, and hits the FAT ASS SENTON~! That gets 2 as Yakushiji saves. He gets eye raked and TAKA comes in. He gets some throat thrusts and tags Teioh, who gets three knees to the face. He then hits a DELAAAAYED Vertical Suplex for 2. Teioh decides that Masato needs some DICK~! so Dick comes in and pounds away. He whips Masato in and does the cool-ass flapjack that more people in the WWE need to do. He whips Masato in and tries it again, but Yakushiji adjusts to get onto Togo’s shoulders, and then spins around and hits a rana. He runs the ropes again, and then hits Armdrag #651 (tilt-a-whirl headscissors into an armdrag). He then feints a highspot by backflipping off the ropes, and that brings TAKA in. TAKA gets a couple shots in, but Yakushiji gets a single leg takedown. He runs the ropes and TAKA catches him, but Yakushiji fires off Armdrag #418 (tilt-a-whirl countered into an armdrag). That sends TAKA out, so now Teioh and Gramps go. They get MANLY and exchange chops before Hamada just LEVELS Teioh with that HUGE headbutt. Hamada whips Teioh in, who reverses, but Hamada backflips off the second rope, over Teioh, who gets his lariat countered into a Fujiwara Armbar. TAKA breaks it up and whips Hamada in for a back body drop, but Hamada lands on his feet. Teioh holds Hamada for an ELBOWAH, but Hamada ducks and Teioh is to the outside, so TAKA tries a lariat which is reversed AGAIN into the Fujiwara Armbar. Hamada with a backdrop, and a tag to Sasuke. They hit a double chop, and Sauske grabs a rear chinlock, and a bodyscissors. Teioh breaks it up. Sasuke grabs a headlock and they are OFF TO THE RACES, as they hit a shoulderblock sequence that ends up with Sasuke getting a Handspring Crossbody Block for 2. This just in, that ring is LOUD! Yakushiji and TAKA go, and Masato gets a dropkick. TAKA brings him over to his corner and Teioh takes over. They then do a signature spot: Teioh tosses Yakushiji out, but Yakushiji rolls right back in, so Teioh does it again, only to see the same thing happen, but as Teioh gets to the apron, Yakushiji dropkicks him to the outside and gets a Baseball Slide Headscissors. It’s still pretty neato. Gramps and Dick go as Togo gets a headlock and is whipped in. Hamada wants a back body drop, so Dick Kaientais him in the face. Togo whips him in, but his clothesline misses. Togo’s attempt for the lifting faceplant is countered into an Ultra Rana Roll-Up for 2 as TAKA saves. TAKA’s suplex attempt is countered into a Small Package for 2. TAKA is brought over to Hamada’s corner, and both men come in. THEY BE CLUBBERIN’, TONY~! Where is Dusty when you need him? Sasuke grabs a single leg crab, almost like a single leg Liontamer, but TAKA slips out (!!!) and hits the enzugiri!!! WHOA! Yakushiji comes in but is tossed out again. Sasuke whipped to the corner as TAKA gets a flying ELBOWAH and a high kick. Teioh and Togo whips Sasuke in and kick him in the gut and then hit the double bulldog. They then hold Sasuke on his head so that TAKA can dropkick him in the gut. They get DA KDX POSE~! and then hold Sasuke down so that DICK~! can KAIENTAI Sasuke in the head. Sasuke must be thinking about the J-Cup again...Togo gets a SWANK vertical suplex where he takes his own legs out from under him for 2. Teioh comes in and hits the Spinning Toehold, but Sasuke kicks him down. Sasuke whips him in and looks for a hiptoss, but Teioh adjusts in mid-air for the Taiyo Kea DDT. Michinoku knocks Sasuke to the outside, and Masato comes in. Brainbuster gets 2. Teioh tags in and whips Masato in for the BIG BOOT OF DOOM. He then gets the WOW Catapult into a DICK~! lariat, lays back so that Masato is across his knees, and TAKA comes off with a Springboard Kneedrop right across the chest. SWEET! It gets 2. Togo slams him down and goes to the second rope for the FAT ASS SOMERSAULT SENTON~! That gets 2. Teioh then hits a DANGEROUS BACKDROPPAH that gets 2 as Hamada saves. TAKA whips Hamada in and gets the back body drop. Hamada is in the wrong corner as TAKA and Togo go OLD SKOOL and hit the Spike Piledriver. Yakushiji in as KDX hits a double team hiptoss into a Triple Team Powerbomb. Sasuke saves the 3 count. They try the same thing on Sasuke, but they mess up. There goes your *****. They redo the spot, and Sasuke elbows TAKA and Dick before hitting a rana on Teioh for a 2 count as TAKA saves. They whip Sasuke in, who ducks the clothesline and hits the Lionsault Press onto both of them for a two count. Togo comes in and knocks Sasuke in the ropes, who comes right back at him with a Handspring Elbow. Togo goes to the outside, where Sasuke goes the apron and hits his BEE-YOO-TEE-FULL Asai Moonsault that bends Togo backwards against the steel guardrail. YIKES! Hamada gets a lariat on Teioh and sets him up for the GERIATRIC SUPER RANA, but Teioh blocks it and hits a SUPER Inverted Atomic Drop. TAKA then hits his top-rope Springboard Plancha on Hamada on the outside. Yakushiji then hits a Missile Dropkick onto Teioh for 2. Snap suplex and a second-rope moonsault get 2. Whip is reversed by Teioh, who gets a kick to the gut, bounces off the ropes and hits a Running Tornado DDT. MIRACLE ECSTASY BOMB only gets 2 as Hamada saves. Togo gets his SNAP Powerslam for 2. Whip to the corner, but Hamada gets the boots up. Hamada then goes to the second rope and hits the ORIGINAL TORNADO DDT! That gets 2. Whip is reversed by DICK~! who turns a rana attempt into a powerbomb for 2. Dick gets a slam...and here comes the FAT ASS SENTON~!, but Sasuke breaks that up so Hamada can hit the GERIATRIC SUPER RANA! It’s a trainwreck outside as Yakushiji hits a Diving Rana. Yakushiji then hits Togo like a BULLET with a Tope Suicida. Inside, TAKA reverses a Sasuke waistlock, but Sasuke kicks TAKA around. TAKA SNAPS off a belly-to-belly and says, “I AM OHTANI!” by hitting the Springboard Dropkick SQUARE on the back of Sasuke’s head. MY GOD! TAKA hits the Michinoku Driver II for 2 as Yakushiji saves. He’s tossed and TAKA goes up top, where Sasuke nails him on the way down with a dropkick. Lionsault Press gets 2, and then the familiar combo of the Thunder Fire Powerbomb and the Tiger Suplex get the duke for Team Sasuke at 16:54. You want the good shit? Get ALL YOU CAN of Michinoku Pro around that time. It’s GRAVY! Match should have been a contender for Match of the Year, but it was a one time only thing, so it was kinda scratched. The one fuck-up hurt them from being perfect, so ****3/4.
-ECW World TV Title Match: The Franchise (w/Francine and a Riot Squad) © vs. Pitbull Numero Dos
This, of course, stems back from WAY back in July 1996, as Douglas hit an Arn Anderson Armbreaker on Pitbull #1, that actually crunched his neck, which, case in point, pissed of Pitbull #2 so much that they HAD to keep the feud going for 9 EXCRUCIATING months so that it can go to the ECW PPV. Whatever. Oh, and Shane Douglas is getting pestered by this masked man that is SUPPOSED to be Rick Rude. We’ll see...just in case you didn’t get all that...they go over it all before the match. Douglas cuts his self-praising prom and we are off. You know what...I’ve seen this match twice...I don’t even wanna go through it again. It’s a bunch of GARBAGE wrestling, with Gary Wolfe and everyone’s mom getting involved. This is where Candido makes his “big:” appearance later in the show, and he just hands Douglas an illegal object. Douglas hits him with everything and the kitchen sink, which doesn’t put Pitbull 2 away, but when it’s all said and done, a FUCKING BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX puts Pitbull 2 out. A BELLY TO BELLY. Not the knuckle dusters, the chain, or anything else. A BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX puts this match out of its misery at 19:56. Give it ½* NO WAY that deserved 20 minutes. Afterwards, The Masked Man of DOOM comes out with the Ravishing One’s robe on and kisses Francine. Douglas comes from behind with the belt and the man unmasks to be...his flunky, “Prime Time” Brian Lee, who was Douglas’s buddy in the Triple Threat. But from behind comes on of Douglas’s riot squad members...who takes off the mask to reveal that HE is “Ravishing” Rick F’n Rude. They pinball Douglas and Lee hits the Prime Time Slam. ALL ARE REJOICING IN THE ECW ARENA...and stuff. Francine is absolutely disgusted that she kissed Lee.
-Biggest Grudge Match...EVER-This is Taz (w/Bill Afonso) vs. Sa F’n bu-This match is 18 months in the making, and any ECW fan knows the story. Taz called out Sabu at N2R ‘95, and the two have been arguing ever since. So then this match was signed, and the match is gonna happen. Let’s see if it’s worth the hype. They stare at each other for a good 30 seconds before Taz OHTANIS Sabu (slaps him in the face). They then trade slaps and Taz gets a lariat. Sabu rolls to the outside, where he gets some encouragement from HAWAIIAN SHIRT DUDE~!, and goes back in, where Taz kicks him a bit. He whips Sabu in, who reverses and drops down. Taz stops and tries for the Tazmission, but Sabu counters it for the first time ever, and turns it into a wristlock. Taz gets up and goes behind with a waistlock, which is reversed, which is reversed into a Taz hammerlock. Sabu reverses that, but Taz reverses and looks for the T-Bone, but Sabu elbows out and goes to a waistlock, which Taz drop toeholds out of. He locks in an “Ankle Pick” as Joey calls it (hmmm...) and Sabu gets to the ropes. Sabu then tries a single-leg, but Taz drops down and calls Sabu out to try it again, which he does, so Taz turns that into a back mount. He then breaks Sabu’s nose legit with some forearms across the face as he hooks in a bodyscissors. He gets some shots in again and Sabu is down and rolls to the outside. Sabu comes in and dropkicks Taz’s knee, and then hits a Springboard Leg Lariat. Tazz rolls outside, and Sabu catches him with a Baseball Slide. Taz then gets tossed into the crowd, and Sabu grabs a chair. He sets it up in the ring and follows with a TRIPLE JUMP PLANCHA. Wow, he didn’t mess up. Alfonso is going CRAZY in the ring, which provides for a funny visual. Now see, THIS is where it kinda got weird for me. As the two are brawling in the crowd, Bill points at the two men...and then points to the sky a la Sabu. Now...not to be rude, but AREN’T YOU GIVING AWAY THE ENDING HERE? They brawl for a good couple minutes before Taz gets railed. Sabu sets up a chair and tries a clothesline off the chair, but his ribs hit the rail, and Taz clotheslines him over the rail. Taz rolls him back in as Sabu clutches at his nose. Sabu is whipped in and he gets drop toeholded, and then Taz locks in a modified STF. Sabu bites his wrist to break, but Taz still gets some shots in. Both men on their knees as they trade shots, but Taz trips him down and goes to the mount, where Sabu rolls him over into one of his own. Taz catches one of the punches and locks in a Juji-gatame, but Sabu rolls him over, but Taz holds on and keeps a Cross Armbreaker now. Sabu gets to the ropes. He also gets an enzugiri on Taz. Sabu jumps to the second rope and hits a Somersault Legdrop. Once again, Bill points to the sky, and points to Sabu. So people are telling me that nobody saw this coming...well, Taz is dazed and in the corner now, so Sabu gets a chair. He throws it at Taz before setting it up and hitting Poetry in Motion off of it. Sabu tries again, but he misses, and Taz picks him up and drops him on the chair face first with a Stun Gun. Taz covers for 2, the first pin attempt of the match, almost 10 minutes in. Taz whips Sabu in and REALLY nails him with a lariat for 2. Taz is whipped in, but he reverses and gets a Spinebuster. He’s WWE material for sure. Sabu pulls Taz outside through the ropes and sets up the chair in the ring for another Triple Jump Plancha, but Taz just moves and Overhead Belly-to-Bellys him into the crowd. Sabu is rolled in as a table is bridged between the ring and the guardrail. Taz tells Team Taz to move it over nyah, so Sabu comes from behind and kicks him to the outside. Sabu rolls him onto the table and sets up the chair for another Triple Jump, but he mistimes it, and he ends up on the table with Taz. Taz locks him in for a Northern Lights, but Sabu blocks. He looks for the Tornado DDT, but Taz holds onto the ropes and Sabu crashes through the table. Maybe Bill WAS taunting Sabu after all...hmmmm. Taz goes outside and they trade shots. Inside, Sabu kicks Taz on his way in, and Taz trips him up. They keep trading shots until Sabu gets the advantage. To the corner, where Sabu hits a Super Rana for 2. Sabu does a Double Jump Legdrop that sends Taz outside. They trade some more shots and then Taz rolls Sabu in. He picks Sabu up by his neck and delivers a HARDWAY TAZPLEX. Taz then gets the Front Facelock Tazplex. Sabu tries to go outside, but Taz catches him and looks for the Tazmission again, but Sabu reverses into a T-Bone Suplex (BOOM!) and mocks Taz, which is dumb, since the T-Bone is technically Taz’s move, so he has the right to no-sell, and he does, but he misses the clothesline and SABU gets the Kata-hajime! YIKES! Taz can counter that like nobody else, and he hits a Dangerous Backdrop to break. That’ll break it...and Taz gets the T-Bone Tazplex, and chokes Sabu out with the Tazzmission to win “The Grudge Match of the Century” at 15:47. OK. Now this was a good match, but it wasn’t Kawada/Misawa or Bret/Owen or Bret/Austin or any of that shit. It was slow and plodding in some parts, and if they shaved five minutes off, ****+. As it is, ***1/4. But that isn’t it...oh no, not by a long shot. Sabu don’t need no goddamn EMTs, and Taz gives his respect speech. Joey: “Taz is a bigger man than we all thought he was.” YOU ARE KILLING ME, STYLES! He’s 5'11", 228! How can he be big? Oh, it was a METAPHOR...carry on. They shake hands, and Sabu lifts his arm in victory, and they shake hands and hug, and I’m gonna cry and stuff but RVD makes his presence known by coming out and knocking Taz down. Sabu and RVD argue, like tag partners should, so when Taz comes from behind to choke RVD out, Sabu loads up his right hand...and decks Taz. RVD is as surprised as we are, and they do a double beatdown on Taz. Sabu botches the same move twice (Ah, the Sabu we know and love), but they still put him through the table (so to speak. RVD already destroyed it before Sabu jumped off the ropes.) Sabu chokes Taz out, and rolls in with RVD, so when Bill Alfonso comes in to start shit with them, he takes off his shirt...and reveals a Sabu shirt. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a Double Turn. RVD then makes the “Mr. Monday Night” promo, making him a big star in a small pond right there, and all three walk out together on Taz.
-Three Way Dance to determine the #1 Contender to the ECW World Heavyweight Title-The SandHak vs. Big Stevie Cool vs. The Hardcore Legend, Terry Funk
Before the match starts, they introduce The Innovator Of Violence (w/Beulah) as Joey’s color for the match. Tommy is giving his spot to his mentor, Terry, which I find sweet and disturbing, becasuse wouldn’t the first ECW PPV be a GREAT time for Tommy to pick up that first win over Raven? The bWo comes out in FULL FORCE, which ruled as always. Sandman still pops mega for his entrance. I’m gonna time this one. It takes him a minute to just come out from behind the curtain. First beer at 2:00 busts him open as he smashes the can on his forehead.. Second at 3:30, which is done with the cig in his mouth, of course, and he FINALLY gets to the apron at 4:30, and then stands on the apron until Funk comes out. Sandman offers Terry a drink, but Terry refuses, so Sandman doesn’t waste that beer, and spits it into Stevie’s face. Wait, I thought you WEREN’T gonna waste that beer. Triple headlock to start, which is neat, but Sandman is pushed off, and so is Terry, so Sandman runs over Stevie with the shoulderblock. Stevie and Funk lock up, but Sandman kicks Stevie back to the corner, and Funk and Sandman chop away. Stevie fights back, but Terry fights back. Sandman chops Terry, but Sandman has pussy chops, and Terry no-sells. They exchange chops, but Terry pushes Sandman into a Stevie School Boy for 2. Stevie ducks a clothesline and Terry knocks Sandman to the mat, and locks in the Spinning Toehold, but Stevie breaks it with a lariat. Elbows are dropped, and Sandman drops Stevie down into a legdrop for 2. Sandman tells Stevie that he’ll do it again, but this time, Sandman just gives him a backdrop. That’s funny. Sandman goes to the back and comes out with a ladder (and a cold one) after Terry kills Stevie dead with FOUR Rude Awakenings for 2. He tosses it in on both of his opponents. He suplexes the ladder onto Stevie. Ladder shot for Terry gets 2. Sandman sets up the ladder and gives Stevie a DDT. Sandman and Terry meet at the top of the ladder, and Terry gets the better of that. Terry then does a Moonsault off the ladder that completely misses, but Stevie sells it anyway. Sandman comes off the top rope and nails Stevie with the ladder. He knocks Terry down onto the ladder with some shots, and then slams Stevie onto Funk, onto the ladder. That gets 2. Stevie Kick through the ladder into Sandman gets 2. Funk with a headbutt on Stevie for 2. Sandman sets up the ladder in the corner, but his whip is reversed, and irony strikes Sandman with an iron fist. That gets 2. Slam gets 2. Sandman sets the ladder up and drops and elbow as Stevie drops a fist for UN FOULO. That gets 2. Sandman and Stevie climb the ladder, but Terry staggers back into it, knocking both men into the ropes. Terry then does his classic “Hurricane Ladder” spot. The ladder is now against the ropes, and Funk and Sandman take turns putting each other into the ladder, while Stevie jumps off the top and play seesaw with the ladder, knocking Terry and Sandman’s heads together. Steviekicks for both get 2. Sandman tosses Stevie out, and the ladder onto Stevie, and then sends him over the rail. Terry rolls out and gets nailed, so Sandman goes in and hits a Tope Con Seesaw, knocking Stevie out. Terry with chairshots para todos, and rolls Stevie in as Sandman goes to the back. Vertical Suplex and a STEEL Trashcan shot from Sandman on Terry...gets two on Stevie...hmmm. Suplex onto the STEEL by Sandman gets 2. Spike Piledriver on Stevie. Couple trashcan shots for Stevie. Ladder is placed over Stevie so that Sandman can hit his Slingshot Somersault Legdrop onto Stevie for 2! Sandman plays Seesaw with Stevie, but gets knocked out himself. 2 Count on Stevie. Double Powerbomb puts Stevie out at 15:43. Sandman shakes Terry’s hand and then levels him with left hands. Terry back body drops him out onto Stevie. Sandman has barbed wire, but Terry nails Sandman with a STEEL shot, and then WHIPS Sandman with the barbed wire. DAMN! Sandman gets a STEEL shot in though...Sandman wraps himself in barbed wire and rushes Terry with it. Sandman with a Guillotine Legdrop for 2. Stevie gets nailed with the barbed wire, and Terry puts the trashcan over Sandman’s head. He punches him down, and then Sandman actually rolls into position for Terry’s GERIATRIC MOONSAULT and Terry wins the three-way dance at 19:10. Slow, plodding, nice spots, but still, dull at times. **½ What About Raven hits the ring and the ECW Title Match is ON!
-ECW World Heavyweight Title-Raven © vs. The Hardcore Legend, Terry Funk
Raven with a beltshot and his “patented” drop toehold onto the chair. Terry is REALLY bleeding bad, and an EMT tries to bandage him up, but Terry refuses, because he’s crazy. Tommy cries about not being able to help because he PROMISED he wouldn’t. Raven measures Terry and sets up a table. He brings Terry out and hits him with the table. Raven sets up another and puts Terry on it. Raven jumps over the top rope and drives Terry through the table with an elbow. Reggie Bennet (???) comes out with the rest of The Flock, and nails Terry with a chair shot and a fucked-up powerbomb. Raven tells Dreamer that Terry is gonna be put through all those tables underneath him. Tommy dares him to do it. Big DICK~! Dudley (RIP) comes from behind on Tommy and nails him with a trashcan. Raven Evenflows the ref as Terry just rolls around on the mat. Tommy is about to be Chokeslammed through the tables, but he UN FOULOs Big Dick in his...well, you know and Chokeslams HIM through the tables in a bit of Shakespearean lore. Tommy hits the ring and is tossed into the ropes. Hiptoss is countered into the Taiyo Kea DDT. Terry covers for the Misawa Two Count, and then a small package (?) gets Terry the title at 7:20. Ummm...that match was NOTHING. DUD Celebration abounds, end of show.
Conclusion: Well...it was interesting. ECW’s first PPV offered many highlights and lowlights. The Michinoku Pro 6-Man rocked bells, but everything else was very amateur, not very good. But for historical purposes, you should check it out.
