King Cucaracha

Anyone else find it funny that they're building up the ECW PPV to be main evented by a WWE star who's never worked for ECW (be it HHH, Edge or Cena) vs. RVD for the WWE Championship? And it's being booked by Vince. WWE Vince. How is it an ECW PPV exactly, apart from the fact the ECW fans will dupe themselves into buying the show and/or buying tickets and chanting ECW? At least the first one was all ECW guys in matches. On a related note, if the AWA DVD sells well, do we get an AWA One Night Stand series?

Sorry if that sounded jerkish. I can let you have Christian, but I need Bohemoth.

Leon Rodez Christian Wright Bohemoth Jamie O'Hara D*LUX Los Conquistadors, although anyone can use them as cannon fodder.

Now the 24/7 Title's 24/7, No DQs again, I can see why having it and the Heartland Title would be a problem. So long as me and Alf can keep stuff going with both titles though, I don't see as we need to rush into merging them up. Women's Division...I dunno, you'd have to ask PFL. 6 Man Tag Titles will be dealt with soon, although we could probably get away with dropping them. HI-YAH Tag is another company's belt anyway and the HI-YAH Titles are always on a loop of featured and not featured...although, The Love Doctors haven't been on TV in months.

No. Hoff good buddy, I remember and I intend to bring back some 24/7 'magic'.

Well, seeing as you didn't ask for permission to use my characters, go fish, you'll have to find someone else. Seriously.

"DANGER! High Voltage", Electric Six

The tomahawk chop was the funniest thing in the company all year. 'Good' or 'bad', it made me laugh and that's about all 90% of the WWE is good for doing right now, so what the hell, it works for me.

I'm entirely down with that.

Bohemoth vs. ??? Fallout from Alix winning the 24/7 Title(!?!) featuring the former champion, moi.

So, uhm, did you get my PM Muzzums or what? In other news, Janus booking scares me.

Another segment is in!

BUTWAITTHERE'SMORE! We're give an a view of the backstage area where Marty the camera man is journeying down an empty stretch of hallway. Empty that is until he comes upon Terrence Taylor, peering through a crack in a locker room door. Unfortunately the audience can't see what Terry is viewing, as he's firecly blocking his intriguing sight from interlopers and onlookers. MARTY Terry Taylor! Just the man I wanted to see! Actually that's a lie. On the list of peeps I want to see, you rank probably next to last. You're right in front of my second wife who I owe six months of back paid alimony to. God damn, mail order brides. She gets her green card, and you get your pink slip, and a one way ticket to the piss stained couch in your best friend's basement. Hey, don't take this the wrong way but people around here call you a bit of a...well a dork. TERRY Let them talk, Marty. Let them talk. When I come to Headquarters packing my AK, and a box full of grenades, I imagine the only thing anyone will be saying to me is “PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! AHHHH! I DON'T WANNA HAVE MY ARMS BLOWN OFF!” Who's the dork now, buddy? ... MARTY You are one creepy bastard. You know that? I bet you got a list in your basement of people you want to kill. TERRY It's more like a ven diagram. I'm a very visual person. MARTY Is visual short for “incredibly frightening and disturbing”? Hey, what's behind this door anyway, Terry Taylor? Watcha got? TERRY Nothing. Go away, Marty. MARTY No can do. If there's a story, then I gotta get it. I am a photo journalist, after all. TERRY You're a non union camera man, who took one non credit community college course in film production and was hired because the company is too cheap to pay anyone qualified! MARTY Like I said, I'm a photo journalist. I was nominated for a Pulitzer! Whatcha got? The Upstarts plotting to destroy the OAOAST within? A furious brawl between The Heavenly Rockers and The South Central Militia? Jim Ross, happier then a pig in shit, because he's managed to commandeer accesses to the buffet table? Tell your man, Terry Taylor. TERRY Fine, fine. Anything to make you and that goomba accent shut up. You have to promise to turn that camera completely off, though. This is the kind of thing that could really savage my reputation. MARTY Was that reputation thing a joke? I couldn't tell, you said it so seriously. Terry scowls at Marty, leading the intrusive crewman to take a tone more agreeable to Taylor. MARTY Okay, okay. Camera's off. (He lies). See? TERRY If it's off, then why are you still holding it like that? MARTY It protects me. To look at the outside world without the objective shield of my camera, strips me of my cloak of warmth and refuge, and leaves me exposed to the comfortless frigidity that plagues our depressing reality. In psychoanalytical parlance, it is with this camera that I stay sane. It is with this camera that I stay alive. I beg of you, good sir, do not take my blood, my soul, my raison d'etre, away from me. TERRY Jesus Christ, I'm sorry. I..I..didn't know you felt that strongly about your camera. MARTY It's a sensitive topic. TERRY You know, I used to have a puppy I felt that I felt that way about. Called him Spot. Because of the little brown spot around his eyes. Such a funny guy. So playful. Loved to eat the December snow. He liked to chase birds outside. That's why we called him Spot, and then.. MARTY Uh-huh, great. What are we looking at here? TERRY This. But you have to keep quiet. With a blank expression on his face, Terry extends his hand towards a crack in the door. Eager to view the display that has captured Taylor's attention, Marty delicately weaves his camera through the slit. Thanks to the miracle of modern broadcasting we're treated to the treasure Terry Taylor has unearthed. And what a treasure it is. Within the spacious lockeroom, 24/7 champion Leon Rodez is pressed against the wall, held in rapture by his girlfriend Alix Maria Spezia, who's devouring his neck with sugary kisses. Alix is wearing a white sleeveless mini top, (with plunging necklines, and ties at the cropped hem), denim cargo pants, and black pumps. Leon is attired in Grey plaid cargo pants, flip flops and a camo patterned tank top. MARTY Niiiiiiiiice, Terrence. Niiiiiiice! You know where it's at, man. You and I should party more often. This could develop into a very spicy situation. ALIX Lee-Lee, my buddy in boning, my friend in fellatio, my chum in cunnilingus, are you wearing lipstick? I already dated a guy who wore more makeup then me. Remember Northstar? Didn't work out well. He's doing Mariah Carey gender impersonation shows at the Flamingo in Vegas. Actually he's really really good. When he sings I Still Believe, I swear you'd think he's Mariah himself. But, what about the lipstick? Now, I love going to Sephora as much as the next girl, but that's not where I want to spend our one year anniversary. LEON It's not lipstick. I just ate a Popsicle. Have a taste. Ally slowly traces her tongue around Leon's lips, as much to get a sensual taste of her handsome beau as to determine what flavor of Popsicle he just consumed. ALIX Cherry? LEON *ERRRRRR!* Wrong answer! ALIX Strawberry? LEON Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Go directly to jail. ALIX Okay, I dunzo. Pittsburgh? LEON That's a city, Ally. Your three guesses just went adios, amigo. No grand prize for you. The flavor is grape. ALIX That would explain why your lips are purple. I dunno. I think I better go in for a closer molestation. LEON You mean inspection. ALIX No, I meant molestation. -ANYONE UNDER 18 STOP READING HERE- -I MEAN IT, PATTY STARTS GOING NUTS IN A SECOND- -DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED- Alix gently massages Leon's arresting face and guides his violet lips into an amorous interlock with own crimson ones. The gentle, lingering kiss slowly and sweetily progresses until her demanding tongue feverishly thrusts her into a fencing match with his. Her tongue chases Leon's around the expanse of his mouth, playing an enamored game of cat and mouse, while her hands explore every inch of his washboard abs. Satisfied with the results of her “inspection”, Alix releases her lover, letting him come up for air. She keeps her lips in an alluring hover over his sensitive skin, driving chills down his spine. ALIX Oh yeah, definitely grape. LEON Alix Maria Spezia, is that a rocket in your pocket, or are you just really glad to see me? ALIX Leon Do you even have a middle name Rodez, it's a rocket. (Alix pulls a toy rocket out of her pocket). See? LEON Thank the good lord! Because if you were a chick with a dick and not a chick over dick, then I'd have to ask Krista for the name of a good therapist and/or a bridge to jump off. My brief cameo appearance in Sluts with Nuts is all the taste I need of that world, thank you very much. You know what? I think we might be able to do something with this little toy. Bang, zoom! You're going to the moon, Alice! ALIX My name is Alix. Who's this Alice ho? LEON It's from a TV show. ALIX Wait, wait, wait a minute Mister Postman! You're cheating on me with a TV star? You're a fine one, aren't you? She better be network, and she better not be that part stealing whore Eva Longoria. That should be me on Desperate Housewives, that should me dating Tony Parker! Instead I'm stuck hooking up with some b-list, sawed off Val Venis wannabe, midcaaaaarrrrrrrrwonderful human being, who I adore so very much and know is a very, very, very forgiving person, and understands that sometimes Ally Cat tends to not think before she speaks! Uhhh, awkward. What DID Krista tell me to do when you and I have these awkward moments? Hit you over the head with a crow bar and dump your lifeless body on the side of highway 101! But I don't have a crow bar. Shucks. Oh I know! Why don't you show me your belt, champ? LEON (digging into his bag for the belt) You know, I may not be an NBA champion like Tony Parker, but in case you didn't notice, I did put down some dope rhymes with LL Cool J this Sunday. ALIX That's nice. I play golf regularly with Reese Witherspoon. She won an Oscar. Grumbling, Leon reaches into his bag and removes his hard won championship for Alix's view. To make up for her rather rude belittling of him, she swoons as though he was holding up an artifact from the lost city of Atlantis. ALIX Aww yeah! You go boy! Three snaps and a glass of Diet Coke! It's berry berry pretty, Lee-Lee. Not as a pretty as me. Who is? Certainly not that skank Eva Longoria. But it's pretty enough that I might try and run over it with my car in a heroin fueled rage of jealously and envy. Kinda like what I tried to do to Eva last week. Damn LAPD, and their tazers, and attack dogs, and guns, and police helicopters. LEON Don't get too close, this thing's not metal. I don't know what run-down Puerto Rican street corner Vitamin X bought this thing from, but my hands and crotch were green when I woke up Sunday night. Nothing a little cream couldn't clear up though. ALIX Soooooooo what does your fancy belt do? LEON Do? ALIX Yeah! Like, can it rescue King Neptune's crown away from the evil cyclops in Shell City, and make it back in time to save Bikini Bottom from Plankton's tyrannical rule and save Mr.Krabs from his hellish tundra? Because Spongebob Sqaurepants can do that! And if your belt can't out do a little yellow sponge that flips burgers for a living and lives in a pineapple, then ya might wanna get your money back. LEON Can Sponge Bob do this? (Leon activates the spinning mechanism on the belt, much to Al's delight) ALIX Gnarly! Lemme see it! Without waiting for permission, Alix snatches the championship out of Leon's surprised hands. She holds it in front of his face, keeping his eyes locked on the mesmerizing spin of the belt. ALIX You're getting horny, very horny. When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and proceed to make me see colours. Weird, halucogenic colours. Then, I guess you'll think you're a dog who thinks I've got dog food in my pocket or something kinky like that. With Leon submissive towards her “spell”, Alix eagerly guides him towards the center of the floor, affording the lecherous observers a better view of the appetizing intimacy. She lies on top of him, guiding her lips to his sweltering neck, nibbling at the point where his collarbone curves so perfectly. He rolls his left hand through her vibrant locks, leading her to groan inwardly when the strands skid along his cool fingers. Her moan makes his body ripple, but that sensation is soon overpowered by the warm feel of her hands weaving their way along the skin beneath his shirt. Unfortunately for Terry and Marty the troubling sounds of feet hitting linoleum can be heard in the near distance TERRY Oh no! Someone's coming. Please don't be Krista. Please don't be Krista. Please don't be Krista. Please don't be Krista. Fortunately Terry's gets a reprieve from death as it's not Krista coming to slaughter him. Instead it's merely HeldDOWN interviewer Josh “J.Math” Matthews and NRG member Biff Atlas. Biff, never one to break character, is in his teeny tiny hula skirt. JOSH What's crack-a-lating, Marty-Mar?! MARTY Josh! My main man! Bro, you just gotta come and see this. JOSH Awesome, you found Fog Horn Leghorn! Oh wait, that's just Terry Taylor. My bad. TAYLOR Hardy-hardy-har! Never heard that one before, Matthews. BIFF Really? It seems like you would've heard it a lot. TAYLOR Of course I've heard it a lot, you moron! Everyday of my life is spent being tormented by the same Rooster jokes over and over again. I'm a human being, damn it! When you try and set me on fire you're attempting to kill me, not cooking me extra cripsy. BIFF Sure, hippy. What are we all looking it? TERRY Nothing. Nada. Go away. MARTY Come on, man, don't be a cock block. Besides, Leon's used to performing in front of an audience. Check it out, gentlemen, and prepare to be astounded. Among other things. Josh and Biff shove a grousing Terry aside to get their own peek at the sizzling exhibition JOSH Jesus Christ in a Mexican whore house! And to think I just paid ten bucks back at the hotel for a movie like this, and I'm getting it for free right in my backyard. Please, tell me you've got the camera on. Please! MARTY (winking at Josh) No sir! Meanwhile, Alix and Leon slash their tongues together, guttural groans roaring from their throats. Finally ceasing the liplock, Alix sucked her lower lip into his mouth, her eyes shooting open, cloudy and dazed. ALIX I can't believe I'm making out with a 24/7 champion. The first new champion in almost a year! That's how many days? Uh, carry the one, divide by seven, multiply by eight to the sixth exponent, subtract the circumference of the ninth unilateral triangle.....Holy crap, that's a lot of days! Leon nods in placating agreement to Alix's failed attempt at kindergarten level math. The majority of his sexually charged attention is captured by the task of undoing the ties of her slinky top. He silently damns the bewildering fabric for withholding her supple skin from his breathless and salivating mouth. ALIX Uh, ya want me to help you with that? It's kind of tricky. (singing) To rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky, How's it, Lee? Tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky! LEON Maybe for an ordinary beltless lower mid-carder, but for Silky Smooth Leon Rodez, newly crowned 24/7 champion, and holder of a bazillion and one Angle Awards, it's as simple as walloping a girly voiced Rock imitator with a steel ladder and making him cry till he can't cry no mo'. While a frustrated Leon fiddles with the knot, Alix picks up the toy rocket and proceeds to use it as a microphone. ALIX Folks, I'm here live being undressed by multi angle award winner, brand new 24/7 champion, ex adult film star, and all around sexy-sexaaaaaay bitch, Leon Rodez. Mister Rodez, you're clearly very gifted..ooooooooh....in more ways then one, and..ahhhhh...obviously posses the talent to have been a multi time AVN award winner, but what made you want to give up a life of being handsomely paid to fornicate as many hot women as you want, to come to the OAOAST to grope and fondle other hairless young boys? LEON Oh you know, I had just finished filming Big White Sticks, Little Night Chicks, and I said to myself, I really need a new j-o-b. One that's even less respected then male pornstar. And it doesn't get less respected and more despised then pro wrestler. But what really brought me to the OAOAST were the fans, and the underage ring rats, and the blood soaked panties and snuff stories they send you, and being able to fake injury so I can collect an insurance claim as well as a pay check at the same time, and did I mention the underage ring rats? ALIX There you have it, folks. Behind every great man; creepy nubile nookie, insurance fraud, and more nubile nookie. But on of top this great man, is your crack reporter, who's about to go a little deeper and get the inside scoop. Lemme help you with that top, babe Her fingers gracefully evaporate the final restriction separating her tender skin from his thirsty touch. The fabric of her shirt flutters into the silence of the lockeroom, as his hands lovingly find their way to her exposed silken flesh. Fiery rings of desire envelope her body, and her legs squeeze tightly together, while she tries and fails to fight back a low moan. ALIX Ladies and gentlemen, for AMS news, this is Alix Maria Spezia, getting off. (talking to her breasts) Man your battle stations, boys, we're going in. JOSH Look at that body. BIFF I'll say. And she's not that bad herself. OMG footsteps! TERRY Crud! Someone else is coming. Please don't be Krista. Please don't be Krista. Please don't be Krista. Please don't be Krista. Upon getting a good look at this approaching figure, Biff, Josh, and Marty, hold their mouthes collectively agape. MAN Hello there. I'm the 37th President of the United States, Richard Nixon. TERRY What in the hell? NIXON What do we have here? (Nixon peers through the door, and like everything one else he likes what he sees) Yes indeed. God bless America. You a big fine woman when you back that ass up. This was well worth using my “get out of hell for a day” pass. I won it from Pablo Escobar in a game of backgammon. The man cheats like a drunk Indian! HAR-UU~! The situation further degenerates into total lunacy when another person strides down the walk away. TERRY Son of a god damn bitch! Where are all these people coming from? This time we're not witness to the appearance of a dead president, but rather the mundane arrival of referee Billy Silverman. BIFF Billy! Come on over and join the party! Someone should've brought food. MARTY Someone should've brought tissues. The straight laced Silverman puts on an investigative air, as he works his way towards the exhibit that has captured their unwavering attention. In the background Terry frets that something is about to go horribly wrong. But Billy pays him little mind, as he peers at the titrating sight. Unfortunately, Silverman, unlike the others, doesn't happen to be stimulated by what he sees. In fact the only thing that's aroused within his scrawny body are his keen “referee senses”. BILLY By the gods! Why didn't you alert me to this earlier? JOSH As you can see, it's kind of hard to pry your eyes away from this. BILLY She has him in a pinning predicament! Come with haste, Martin, you must document this! Billy and Marty, who's more then thrilled to get a better look at what he's been gawking at, storm into the room, with the others curiously watching from the door way. Alix and Leon are of course stunned to have a camera man and a referee barge into their private moment. LEON Hey, you came to see me make out. That's so sweet...and at the same time, very disturbing. ALIX Lee-Lee, if you would've told me were going to have an audience, I would've baked cookies or something. Martha Stewart says that's it's impolite sex party etiquette to not serve food to your guests. LEON (looking at Marty) Did she say it was impolite to smash a video camera over your guests' head? ALIX Only if you do it after the appetizer. You don't want the guest to be all gassy when the S&M rolls around. LEON I'll keep that in mind. What the heck are you people doing in here? You either better be here to tell me that I won the lottery, that a family member just kicked the can, or that big breasted ninja zombie cheerleaders have invaded the arena and only a man of my sexual prowess and erotic stature can tame them or something. Because if none of those things are occurring, then I..I...I'll write very nasty letters to your supervisors and parents! And I won't use recycled loose leaf paper, either. That's a terrible threat, I know, but I'm about ten seconds from touchdown here so I'm not thinking straight. No words of response or apology are spoken by dutiful referee. He merely drops down to his knee and for reasons unknown to anyone present, counts a pinfall. ONE LEON Uhm...Billy? I'm a liberal guy, but come on. Could you make like Michael Jackson and... ALIX Molest television's Emmanuel Lewis in a ritzy New York City hotel room? LEON I was thinking more along the lines of beat it. TWO LEON Billy, what are you doing? Did you lick those old postage stamps Jade found in our parents' basements? THREE! Nary a soul knows what the three count is supposed to signify. Currently, all it serves to do is further bewilder poor Mister Rodez. LEON Okay, wonderful. You can count to three. Fantastic, clap clap, applaud applaud. You can count three whole numbers higher then Biff Atlas over there. BIFF Hold on, hold on, hold on. I can count to two. I've done it before. LEON Your cookie is in the mail. Now would you all kindly get the heck out of here! I am the 24/7 champ, for goodness sakes! I've beaten Tha Puerto Rican, and ..uh..and.....well...and ... BIFF And, Mister I'm so special because my fancy smancy education lets me count higher then two, and? LEON I've only been the champ for a few days, give me a break! But, at least I've won a title, which is a lot more then I can say for you, a guy who hasn't even won a match. So vamoose! All eight of you! Eight! There's a number to shoot for Biffster. Reach for those stars, bucko! Ya got the champ behind ya all the way. SILVERMAN I'm afraid you're not the champ anymore, Leon Rodez. ... LEON Watchu talkin' bout, Willis? Leon laughs at his own memory of cult television catchphrases as Silverman, who obviously has severe verbal communication problems, ignores Leon's query. He yanks Alix off her delectable boyfriend, and stands the confused lass upright, taking her arm into his hands. ALIX I don't know if it's the all you can drink margarita's they got in the catering room or getting to leave their parents' basement for once, but something always makes these wrestling nerds really, really, really frisky. I'm sure you've been sprinkled with horny dust but you'll have to wait your turn, spunky monkey! I'll get around to you eventually. Sometime after Clarie the seamstress who designs the costumes, and before Patchy Joe, the one eyed hobo outside the arena. No words leave Silverman's mouth, as he mysteriously scurries to collect the 24/7 title. Shunning Leon's confused protests, he wraps the glittering belt around Alix's slender waist. ALIX Despite the repeated genetic experiments I've conducted on myself, I have yet to gain the power of telepathy, so I can't read your mind. So, I sorta need ya to verbalize just what on earth is going on! Just an idea, babe. I know you've taken off for the moon, Neil Armstrong, but could ya tell Scotty to beam ya back down to earth long enough to explain what's happening? Similar to Leon, Alix's pondering is met with silence. After properly fastening the title around Ally's waist, Silverman raises her arm and makes an announcement that's bound to send Leon running for Krista's stash of liquor. SILVERMAN Your winner of this impromptu 24/7 title match, and new 24/7 champion...ALIX MARIA SPEZIA! Stunned, shocked, and dizzy, all Leon can do is stare emptily into space. Alix does the same for a few seconds, before slowly...very slowly, what with her speed of thought process...her blank face begins to form a huge grin. ALIX Wowie! Lee-Lee! Can you believe it? We're both 24/7 champions! Is that not the hottest thing in the world? Oh, baby. Maybe we can take our belts out on play dates! We can buy cute little strollers, and bassinets, and we can take them to the beach. But we have to keep your belt separate from mine, because your's is a nasty dirty litle man-whore who will try to rob mine of her angelic virginity and womanly innocence the second we leave them alone. I don't want mine to wind up like it's Auntie Krista. Oh baby, this is soooo cool! Big hug, dude, start bringin' the lovin'! Overcome with jubilation, Alix tackles a distraught Leon to the floor. Still stunned, still shocked and possibly still dizzy, Leon puts up no fight. This show of affection is just background noise for the ex-champ, as he mouths the words “How did this happen?" Jumping off of her boyfriend's prone body, Krista takes the 24/7 Title and spins it gleefully. ALIX And to think, it took you two months to win this thing, yet I won it in 5 days! Isn't that CRAZY!?! Leon continues lying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling absent mindedly. ALIX Me, 24/7 Champion! Who'd'a thunk it? Holy crépé, I gotta tell Krista! So long boyfriend, sorry we didn't make it past third base tonight! Merrily skipping off through the door, the humming merriment of Alix Maria Spezia slowly begins to fade off into the distance. Leon sits up finally, still seemingly trying to reason out what just happened. And as a result, he barely acknowledges the crowd still standing around him. BIFF If I had known it was that easy to win that title, I would've slipped some GHB into Tha Puerto Rican's drink months ago. Laugh now, Nixon. But I ain't kidding. I would've done it, and I would've loved that fancy bitch like no woman can. Ay, estoy cansada ese negro solo que perder este pendejo. NIXON I once made out with a drunk Indian on a long distance bus trip to San Antonio. Melody Nerdly enters the scene and gets close to Nixon MELODY Hey dude, you need some bud for tonight? NIXON You bet your pretty little ass I do, young man. Melody and Nixon walk off, arm in arm JOSH Another Thursday, another case of the blue balls. I'm gone. Come on, Biff, let's roll. Later Leon. BIFF Yeah, later, champ. Oh....wait. Excuse my rudeness. How embarrassing and awkward. Loser! LEON I..I...I...oh god. The duo walks off, leaving dumbfounded Terry by his lonsesome. Through an ear piece he hears the words of Michael Cole asking him to explain the situation. COLE Terry, before you get fired for being a voyeuristic creep try and explain to us what just happened? How is Alix the new 24/7 champion? MELODY (returning to the scene) I got this one, Roo-Roo. COLE Oh, god no. Why can't you just be docile and silent like the all other valets? MELODY Relax, dude, relax. Melody is your woman on the scene. Here's the 411, MC. We all heard ol LeRo make a big fat self righteous stink at A-M-V, about bringing back the true spirit of the 24/7 title, and defending it twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Well, dude just found out why no one in their right mind played by those stoooopid rules, because instead of getting his freak on, dude got his strap off. And now Alix Spezia has snatched that title belt for her own. Grrrrrrrl powwaaaaa, man. I think I'll declare myself X-Division champion and Queen Jesus of the world. RAWK! COLE But how did Alix win? MELODY Willy Silverman is obviously a few illegal immigrants short of Wal*Mart, so he thought that Alix was trying to pin Leon instead of teaching him about the birds and bees. So while Leon was trying to turn his book to page 69 and start humping, Billy was flipping it to page 3 to start counting. One, two, three. Now the 24/7 title is movin' on up. And Leon's gonna wanna whip Billy S like miracle if he ever gets past 'Internal Error: Please Restart Your Brain'. It's funny, at A-M-V, Leon said he wanted to kick it old school, but he just got kicked to Loserville, population:him. CABOOSE But, Melody, why didn't Leon just kick out? MELODY How the hell should I know, Elton John? I can't read minds. If I could, I'd be a millionaire in a West La mansion, and not a broke non-wrestling personality on a crappy wrestling show working on some weak pay per appearance deal. That's the beat on the streets, bro. I'm your woman on the scene, Mel to the O to the Dy. And remember, if you're wondering what's that smell, it's probably Caboose's upper lip. Bounce. (BACK TO DA SC) CABOOSE I know you aren't supposed to hit a woman, but could you maybe just shake her really hard? COLE If there were any justice in the world, yes. BUT, that's besides the point Caboose. We've got a new 24/7 Champion and her name is Alix Maria Spezia! It took almost a year for the title to change hands and now, like so many clichéd buses, two come along at once. Leon Rodez put in a memorable AngleMania performance just five days ago, but now it's all for nought and all because he couldn't wait until he got back in the hotel to try and put his mack down on Alix! CABOOSE And the saddest thing is, I doubt Alix even realises what just happened.

Hey, it's TSM official Velocity recapper, assuming you don't count the fact I haven't reviewed it in two weeks, although one was some sort of highlight show or something. Everyone else can continue patting themselves on the back, but I'm going to try something different and be a little more critical. So, be forewarned. Nothing personal to those of you who suck. This is gonna be slow feedback too. ANYWAY, let's go! Show Before The Show Battle Royal You know, seeing as there's no actual 'show before the show' interaction like last year, this might as well have just been written as part of AngleMania, but whatever. No more need be said. *****, MOTN One thing I'll say now...nowhere near enough atmospherics through the show. It's the biggest show of the year and it's just matches tacked on one after another with little or no seperation, apart from Papacita's typically bitching graphics. Could have done with some more promos too maybe, but I digress. OAOAST World Tag Team Championship The New, New Midnight Express -vs- The Heavenly Rockers The feud leading up to this was great and I'm a big fan of Ned the sadistic pervert, more so than comedy pervert even though that's all well and good. Did I misread, or did the belt go from the outside to the ring without explanation? I'm not sure why the railing would have been rusty. Simon got up far too quickly from the backdrop onto the guardrail, because that was a great spot otherwise. Good job the South Central Militia got jobbed out in the battle royal and were able to come out fresh. Inspired forethought by me. "Simon and Ned nod their nods". Unintentional line of the night. A really great, heated brawl and a perfect blowoff to the feud. The guardrail backdrop spot bugged me but otherwise everything seemed to be handled well. Chicks Over Dicks -vs- Bohemoth and Christian Wright I think the opening paragraph sums up just how Patty and me work together perfectly. It doesn't make sense as a summary and yet it's a great read. Best. Entrances. Ever. Seriously, I loved the Bo/CW entrance. We need to know more about D'Shaun. I guess a standing moonsault is within CW's range, barely. It's AngleMania though so there should be some stand alone moves now and then. Speaking of which, the matrix by Krista is a new one, right? I find myself having to re-read spots because PO'G is so over educated. Woah woah, wait a second, wait a second...it was just CW's ass that was exposed, right? RIGHT!?! I doubt PPV companies are that liberal. The phone spot had me rolling. Bohemoth doing a staning moonsault was a little too much, sorry. You know, Patty PMed me to apologise for writing a bad match and I honestly don't get why. It probably wasn't the greatest pure wrestling match ever but I honestly enjoyed it and there were some great character bits within, as Patty is inclined to include. I guess PO'G is as needlessly self-critical as me. Thunderkid -vs- Reject Yay for special entrances. I'm a little surprised they didn't go straight at it right from the start and that TK didn't completely lose it after the slap. Alf's done really well in devloping Reject and Thunderkid into valuable parts of the roster and I'm a fan of his writing style. A very good match, though it maybe could have done with a little more 'heat' in it at points. I'm not sure if the ending was rushed because I know Alf's away or wasn't around right before AM, but the postmatch was very brief. Not that it detracts from the actual match, which was very enjoyable.

Can Leon not be involved? He's only really a semi Original and I've got plans with Patty that kinda go against this. When are the Upstarts actually breaking up?

Into the realms of the backstage area we go, where a suited and styled Bohemoth is sat in a locker room, bored with proceedings (and lets face it, there's probably only one match tonight at most) tonight and passing time by playing Luminees on his brand new PSP. Good shit. Bohemoth smirks to himself at a triumphant 11 square clearing but at that moment, the door to the locker room opens and Christian Wright pokes his head through the door. Seeing Bohemoth, Wright seems to breath a brief sigh of relief before storming in. WRIGHT Ah, at last! Bohemoth my monstrous friend, do you not appreciate how much money yours truly invested in our grandious entrance this past Sunday night? And all for nought! Nought I say, nought! Your recent performances have heaped shame upon our collective shoulders, Bohemoth. Our AngleMania debutant exhibition and consequental defeat to those foul vixens of questionable valour, Chicks Over Dicks, shall exist long in the least treasured memories of my inner sanctum. What possible excuse could you possess, my long standing compatriate, not only for uncompromising failure versus Krista Isadora Duncan, but in addition your subsequent disappearance and refusal to create communications with your mentor, moi? BOHEMOTH Look, Chris', cut the smart talk would ya? WRIGHT Oh, would your preference be for unintelligable rambling, incoherent confrontational arguementation and/or crude insults distributed from within my inner rage filled soul? Sighing, Bohemoth stands up with hands on hips. BOHEMOTH You don't have to be the MENSA guy around me, you know that. I get you've got the persona going and that's great but you never used to talk like this back here. And you don't need to. You want an apology...then, I'm sorry, okay. I'm sorry. The fruity guy threw some crap in my eyes and I dunno what happened next. WRIGHT You anticipate for me to feel placated by this sub-standard apology? BOHEMOTH For crying out loud... The scowling Moral Highground begins to pace around the room as Bohemoth sits back down and folds his arms, clearly tiring of this lecture. WRIGHT Bohemoth, it was upon the understanding of complete loyalty and competence whence I stumbled upon you that I took you under my substancial wing. Your recent conduct displeases me greatly. Henceforth, I shall require improved effort from yourself. For to erase the chilling memory of the events passed of AngleMania V, you must re-prove your worth to the greater cause! I am willing to attribute these past months as a mere daliance in your performance, pending a noticeable improvement in productivity. On next week's HeldDOWN~!, I shall provide you with an acceptable challenge which I expect you to vanquish. And be forewarned, nothing short of victory will be deemed acceptable! BOHEMOTH Right. Beat challenger. Gotcha. Christian is ANGERED~ by Bohemoth's flippant reply and his head snaps around to face his bodyguard turned tag team partner. WRIGHT I am deadly serious. Improved performance...or, I may just have to contemplate seeking out an improved bodyguard! Storming off, Christian leaves the room with a slam of the door and his angered footsteps sound off into the distance. Snarling, Bohemoth continues to fold his arms for a moment, before picking his PSP back up. BOHEMOTH ...ah, fuck, I forgot to pause it!

THE MAIN EVENT - SWF INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH Wildchild © vs. Michael Cross Iron Australian Knockout Challenge JJ Johnson vs. Janus SWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH "The Divine Wind" Akira Kaibatsu © vs. Christian Fury BARB-WIRE LANDMINE MATCH Bruce Blank vs. Insane Luchadore "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins vs. Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix Amy Stephens © vs. Zyon (non title) Kevin Coyote and Avery vs. Jimmy the Doom and The Crimson Skull OPENING BOUT Grendel vs. Matt "The Cosplay Master" Myers

Crap. By their scale I get one point (although only because I have new trainers) and two if you count wearing tracksuit trousers around the house instead of jeans. Eep.

Kazarian and Delirious.

See when you say "literally", usually it means literally ie a fact, truth rather than 'literally', ie over-exaggeratedly stated because Orton sucks LOLOZ~! But hey, with Randy gone, your top heels are Mark Henry and , so it's all good in the long run, huh? Took the words right off of my keyboard. For someone who's constantly booked 'too strongly', Orton sure has been booked pretty shitty. Hell, Edge has been booked far more wisely than Orton and yet he's the one being 'buried'.

Doomtopian Calendaring?

I'd be happy if they treated HHH, Cena and Edge all as tweeners and just kept playing them off each other. What they had pre-Mania wasn't working, so why not try something new? The opening segment tonight was a lot of fun and Cena didn't look like a complete dolt...if anything, Edge came off worst, but whatever. They've acknowledged that the fans are split, so let them split as and when for a while and see what the consensus is.

I actually enjoyed Raw more than I have in weeks. I loved the HHH/Cena/Edge interaction all night and the cloaked shoot references seemed...fun. Carlito's turn was great. And I literally jumped out of my seat when The Spirit Squad won the titles. I think I must have got to the point where I just don't care anymore, because the bad stuff is entertaining me suddenly. In other news, can people PLEASE stop asking for RVD to win the World Title? Please? His interview was absolutely interminable and outside of the MITB (apparantly, haven't seen WM) he hasn't had a good match since coming back from the knee injury.

Don't expect anything from me I'm afraid. I'm really sorry about this one in particular. Book me for the next show and I promise to try and get something in, honest.

It's celebration time in the back meanwhile, as Leon Rodez is greeted by the whooping and hollering of a jubilant welcoming party. Hey, it's AngleMania, of COURSE there's a happy ending! Spanish Fly, Colombian Heat and John "Rock Hard" Brickston un-cork the champagne and bathe the limping new 24/7 Champion, thankful that finally Tha Puerto Rican has been dethroned. Sister Jade Rodez and her team D*LUX are there too, as well as Leon's girlfriend Alix Maria Spezia. And here to gate-crash proceedings is Josh Matthews, microphone in hand as he barges through the celebrations to get to the centre of the huddle. MATTHEWS Leon! Leon, congratulations...the new OAOAST 24/7 Champion of the world! What a match! RODEZ Oh, man! You know, standing here with this belt...unable to walk properly...my eyes burning as champagne fills my eye sockets...Josh, it's all worth it. It's all been worth it. Two months it took me to finally get this belt off of Tha Puerto Rican but as I stand here, I did what I said I would. I beat Tha Puerto Rican and I took his 24/7 Championship. Days short of a year. You know, I'm sure PRL's distraught right now and I'm sure he'll be distraught when he finally sees this. But, if it's any consolation Puerto, you lost to one HELL of a wrestler! FLY YEAH! JADE ALRIGHT! SHAYNE WOOH! HEAT CAN'T TOUCH 'DIS! RODEZ And guys, it's been a pleasure to lead you, but I think that now you need to go it alone. Go forth, run wild and free and keep up the good fight against The Lightning Crew. It's been a real pleasure, but I think it's time for a new leader to lead you. FLY YEAH! HEAT NO PROBLEM! BRICKSTON UHM...OKAY. RODEZ Maybe it's the delirium of getting smacked around with metal ladders talking, or maybe it's the alcohol filling my dehydrated body, but right now I feel like I'm on top of the world Josh! This is one hell of a feeling. 2-0 baby, 2-0! FLY YEAH! TYLER RADICAL! JADE MMM-HMM! ALIX BITCHIN'! JOSH Well it's been one hell of a night and you've had one hell of a match, Leon. And I'm sure you're gonna have one hell of a celebration tonight...but once the excitement wears off, I'm sure you'll acknowledge that you've got one heck of an act to follow in Tha Puerto Rican. RODEZ Yeah, he was good. But at the risk of sounding bigheaded Josh, I think I've got the potential to be even better! Two months is a long time in this business and two months has been a long time to get this belt around my waist. I intend to make the most of it now. And you know, there's been one thing that PRL's 24/7 Title didn't have. And you know what that was? FLY FAIR MATCHES? JADE CAKE? SHAYNE A LASER SHOW? ALIX WHO'S PRL? RODEZ No...see, PRL defended his title 'proudly'. But he forgot about the most important thing...he turned his back on the roots of this title. When Big Poppa gave him this strap, he obviously forgot to tell him the rules of this Championship. Luckily, I've got a decent memory and a lot of guts. Which is why, as of right now, I'm bringin' it back. I'm'a kick it old school. That's right OAOAST, as of right now, the 24/7 Championship...IS the 24/7 Championship. I vow to defend this belt 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That means in the parking lot, at the hotel, in Chuck E.Cheese...wherever, whenever! We're meant to be together, people! You find a referee, you can come after this belt, if you daaaaare! Proudly Rodez holds the 24/7 Championship high above his head, before slowly getting a weird feeling that he's being watched. Carefully he lowers his arms and turns around, to find all eyes locked on him. Colombian Heat. Spanish Fly. John Brickston. Tyler Bryant. Shayne Brave. Jade Rode...wait, his own SISTER!?! Maybe this wasn't the best idea. RODEZ Uhm...heh...I can trust you guys to let me get to the trainer without you guys jumping me, right? ... RODEZ Right??? ... RODEZ Uh...uh...HEY, look over there, isn't that David Hasselhoff grabbing himself a Mountain Dew at that catering table? FLY YEAH? BRICKSTON REALLY? HEAT AW, DIP! TYLER AWESOME! JADE HAWT! SHAYNE HE WAS ON AMERICAN IDOL THAT ONE YEAR! ALIX MOUNTAIN DEW? EWW! All at once, all heads whip around in the direction of 'David Hasselhoff'. Only trouble is, it's not David Hasselhoff, but JIVIN' JR~! grabbing himself a coffee. Admiring the steaming paper cup, JR smiles as he reaches into his back pocket, pulling out a bottle of barbecue sauce and pouring some into his coffee BAH GAWD~! The group look confused for a moment, finally realising it's not the 'hoff and turning back around... ...to see Leon power-limping into the distance! BRICKSTON HE'S GETTING AWAY! FLY YEAH! TYLER BUMMER! SHAYNE TOTALLY! ALIX LET'S BREAK THE BASTARD'S LEGS SO HE CAN'T RUN!! ... ALIX I mean...HE'S GETTING AWAY! BRICKSTON HEY, THAT'S MY LINE! FLY YEAH! ALIX WHY ARE WE ALL STILL SHOUTING!?! JADE Good point. Champagne anyone? A collective murmur of agreement goes up and Jade grabs a crate full of champagne glasses from behind her, the celebrating group preparing for some bubbly, while the person they're celebrating for continues to limp off into the night. ALIX I didn't want the belt anyway. JADE Me neither. Not if it involved running. TYLER Yeah, running sucks. FLY Yeah!