King Cucaracha

While this is true, they've gone back more in that direction recently. They started out all hardcore, which probably doesn't help with the misconceptions. But yeah the ratio of hardcore to non-hardcore has crept up the past year or so. It's not like IWA is without any merits. TPI is always great and a big percentage of the current and recent-past ROH roster got a break in IWA before anywhere else (which probably had just a little to do with Prazak's dual involvement and why ROH's now bringing in AAW guys over IWA guys). Obviously Punk and Cabana, Jacobs and Shelley, Delirious and Sydal, Tyler Black. The talent depth in the roster isn't the same as it used to be though.

Oh, I've got a team there too. I usually give up halfway through on that though. Much better on I Know The Score. McClaren's boys lost to Arsenal. Here's hoping the 2nd leg will be on ITV, not having Setanta I missed out on the inevitable 5 minute "McClaren is such a prat, he uses an umbrella when it rains so he doesn't get wet!" build-up video.

Backstage Assault was the most disappointed I've ever been after buying any video game, probably. That was bad stuff. They somehow took Mayhem (which was okay) and made it considerably worse. Technically there's worse wrestling games on handheld consoles and stuff like that. But as far as straight wrestling games go, Backstage Assault is probably the worst.

The XWF are probably the one that 'should' have made it but didn't. They were really a front-runner for TNA in a lot of ways, since the business models were pretty similar (ex-superstars on top, X-Division underneath, one big star involved in the booking process on top). And they had bigger names than TNA too. Hogan, naturally. Piper. Hennig. Heenan. Lawler, right when he'd left WWE. Plus potential guys with more potential underneath them, like Kash and Vampiro. Looking at them side by side, it's kinda hard to see why TNA succeeded where XWF couldn't, since side by side you'd probably pick the XWF roster over TNA's each time.

So... call it a hunch, but, do you not like Santino or something? But I hide it so well Seriously, though, he wasn't very funny last night. Heh. I'll concede, the unibrow is a little much. Funny, because watching the segment I was half-expecting them to go the Lawler/Jake route and have JBL force-feed Punk the drink. Then I realised the match was way down the 'Slam pecking order anyway so they probably wouldn't waste it yet.

They fed Festus to Koslov? Awful. When are they going to realise Koslov has no upside or potential whatsoever?

LIAR! Since we're A) in Texas and B) it'll be hot, I vote the stage is wild west themed. The back of the stage is set up like a row of old saloons and the entrance doors are just that, a set of saloon doors at the end of a small walkway from the actual curtains. There'll be sand covering the stage, horse troughs and a set of stocks, that sort of thing. And the AngleSlam logo will hang over the big screen, hung in front of the saloon roofs, in the shape of a sheriff's badge. Yippee kay'ay!

GENESIS! ...is in September. Infact both of our next two shows are, technically, as the next show will have a September 2nd due-date. Genesis will then be on September 23rd and we'd like to get as many of you involved in that as possible, naturally. We'd also in particular like to encourage our lurker friends who'd maybe be interested in one more for the road, so to speak, to let us know, since it's Genesis and all. Basically, anyone and everyone who can get on the Genesis card would be much appreciated. Anyway, let us know if you're in or out to make things as smooth as possible.

Adamle did a really good job this week in his short couple of segments. As in, you know, a deliberately good job, instead of 'good to laugh at'. And the 'swerve' with the Kane angle was the good kind, building it to be so obvious that it was one thing and delivering something else interesting instead, as opposed to building it to be obvious then doing something simply to catch people out. Can't say as Rey vs. Kane excites me, but it gives two guys a storyline instead of one. And let's face it, Kane getting his mask back isn't the greatest idea, since you lose all the facial expressions he's honed. He's scary enough without it. No point in taking a backwards step, just because it'd be cool for a week or two. So... call it a hunch, but, do you not like Santino or something?

So, anyone else enter a Dream Team with anyone this season? I've entered a Sun one, for all the good that'll do after last season. But what the hey. GK- Friedel DF- G.Neville DF- Sagna DF- Lescott DF- Evra MF- Wallcott* MF- Gerrard MF- Essien MF- Dos Santos ST- D.Bent ST- Crouch * Wallcott could stand in the centre circle picking his nose and get an 8/10 from The Sun. See also Terry, Lampard.

Paul Merson made a good point on Soccer Saturday... no, honestly, stop laughing... when he said that everybody's going to be up for it playing against you. Derby's still a big club, you've got a big stadium and get big home crowds, so small clubs are going to look forward to playing you, especially while you're still low on confidence. Once you get a win then you should be up for the teams being up for it, if that makes sense.

On the Smackdown side is he a face or heel?: As a face, which is probably for the best. Will the fans get behind him immediately?: I'm still on the fence. People are mentioning him rapping but judging from the promos, he's going to be doing the 'I came from the streets and made something of my life' inspirational story. In which case, it's either going to succeed for a while before he needs a new edge, or it's going to bomb. Watching the last video I knew they'd done this angle before and I couldn't remember with who or when... but, it's just hit me, "Make A Difference" Fatu. 'Nuff said. Where will he peak at? US Title or WWE Championship?: Probably US Title. He's a natural for a feud with Shelton in a couple of months. Can he become a big enough star?: Again, it depends on how far this inspirational story thing goes, because it's got a small shelflife. He's got an exciting offence which'll help. And his 'WHASSUP' chant during matches seems made for WWE crowds. Where do you see him by Wrestlemania 25?: I'll say Money In The Bank as well. I don't see him warranting a singles feud of any sort that early in his WWE run.

It has to begin and end with Tazz. Huge reaction when he finally debuted after the '13' vignettes, ended Angle's undefeated streak in his debut, had the one match as ECW Champ with HHH on Smackdown... and that's about it before somebody got cold feet on his size. They stuck him in the hardcore division and he somehow managed to be a totally forgettable part of it, amongst luminaries like Viscera and The Headbangers. They feuded him with Lawler and JR for a while, which at least kept him out there on TV. Somewhere he ended up turning face and looked really bad at WrestleMania X7, ended up tagging with Spike Dudley... and then became a commentator. Talk about downfalls. He went from big debut to retirement into commentator in under 3 years.

Brought to you by American Express Taped: August 7th, 2008 First air date: August 9th, 2008 (check local listings for airings in your area) Announce team: Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan Ah, Syndicated. How I've missed you so. I mean, it's still been around each and every week and I've read it every Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday without fail. But, you know. I've missed Jesse "The Body" Ventura and Tony Schiavone welcoming us to the show from their commentator's table up in the middle of the crowd, just like the good old days. I've missed being unsure of the date so kinda making sure as not to bring it up. And I've missed being able to hype great matches featuring the likes of The Love Doctors, Vinny Valentine, that guy who used to be in Rescue 911 and everybody's favourite hyper-hyperchondriac Biff Atlas! Plus most importantly, our main event featuring The In Crowd's Sly Sommers and his protége Cooper Riley... or, is it!? ***Compton PD -VS- Vinny Valentine and Biff Atlas*** The newcomer combo from Compton hit the ring ready to go as Syndicated kicked off and Vinny Valentine grooved his way out to meet them. But, much like after a long night at the 70s discotheque, Vinny came alone. A quick cut to the back revealed Biff Atlas, absolutely refusing to compete tonight. Biff produced stacks of papers, "statistics of street crime" he claimed. Not willing to listen to Biff's crap another week, the OAOAST officials very quickly gave up on him and told him to go ahead and stay put, which was the best news Biff had heard all year! Not such good news for Vinny who contemplated a two on one mauling... until "Oh No" of all songs surprisingly sounded out. ***Compton PD -VS- Vinny Valentine and .....Todd Cortez*** Not looking thrilled with his Syndicated substitute duties, The Urban Legend looked even less thrilled with being stuck with Vinny Valentine. But he evidently realised he needed to make the most of any opportunity with the position his career is currently in. And he 'elected' to start. Fine by Vinny V, obv. Cortez and Curtis Black started things off, pretty even in the early going. As the pace picked up Cortez finally caught Cash Money going up for a leapfrog, bringing him down into a Crotch Droppah, setting him up for the Hollow Point... only for a blind tag from Valentine to break his stride. Telling his partner to let him "show you how real groovy cats get down", Vinny ran in and proceeded to get dropkicked directly in his big mouth. Tag was made to 9-Mill and poor Vinny was thrown around the ring with little defence and even less help from Cortez. A press slam left Vinny dancing to a beat only he could hear, a lariat ending the party early. As the Compton P.D had their way with Valentine, Cortez watched on waiting for some window of opportunity. And he finally got it when Black came down awkwardly coming off the top, landing on his feet but jarring his knee. Vinny staggered towards his corner allowing Todd to get the tag. But despite the gang beating he'd been recieving for the best part of 5 minutes, Vinny didn't appreciate being told to leave and got into Cortez's face. Not appreciating that much, Cortez shut Vinny up with a quick boot and SPIKED him on his head with the Riot Act Plus to uproarious cheers. Cortez then left his partner to be finished off by the P.D, who put what was left of Vinny away for the three count. Winner: Compton PD, via pinfall After a quick recap of the Thunderkid, Tyler Bryant, Simon Singleton triple threat match from this past week's HeldDOWN~!, we saw the actions and words of Reject as he attempted to lock Jade Rodez in his new R-Lock and then he and Thunderkid executed their dreaded hangman's hold roundhouse kick combination on poor Molly Nerdly. After Reject's unnerving words afterwards, we got an update from Tony and Jesse who were relieved to reveal that Jade managed to escape relatively unharmed thanks to Tyler Bryant's intervention. However, Molly wasn't so lucky and is being assessed by the finest medical professionals money could afford an unpaid intern. Apparantly The Enterprise weren't quick with coming forward with the information yet, but her injuries involved suspected broken or bruised ribs and a strain of the neck muscles. More information at OAOAST.com as it comes in. It was over to Tony Brannigan at this point, who was on the scene backstage with Biff and Vinny V. Valentine was in the trainer's room holding a pack of ice against his neck and looking in some pain. Biff was there, partly to check his partner hadn't been paralysed, partly because he likes to be within 20 feet of medical assistance at all times and partly because he felt a strain in his index finger earlier and was worried it was the onset of a tumour. He's a complicated soul. Tony tried to get a word with Biff about leaving his partner in the lurch, but Biff was in no mood to hear it, 'more concerned for Vinny's well-being'. The attempted interview was cut short as OAOAST referee Charles Robinson burst in and passed on a message from OAOAST head office, that Biff was going to compete tonight whether he liked it or not! Suddenly all of Biff's concern shifted back to his own well-being and he stole away Vinny's icepack to mop his brow with trying to ease his panic. ***The Love Doctors -VS- V.I.C.E*** Female fans all over the arena went wild as The Doctors Of Love gyrated out across syndicated TV for another week. The gyrating soon stopped at the hands of CPA and Bosley, jumping the bell to attack the Docs. CPA and Bosley dished out their form of justice before stereo irish whips went wrong, with stereo baseball slides, stereo armdrags and stereo dropkicks! Not so in stereo, Dr. Pigley was caught with an attempted Pescado onto both men. As CPA and Bosley held him in their arms wondering what to do though, Dr. Anderson came to the rescue with a Tope Con Hilo onto the pile! Once the action finally got settled it was The Docs in control of Bosley, using quick tags to work over the law enforcer's arm. Their attempts to break the long arm of the law were thwarted by a short arm of the law to the throat, by way of a short arm clothesline, allowing Bosley to tag out to CPA. The tide very quickly changed as CPA took over on Dr. Anderson. Detective Bosley and CPA worked over Anderson and worked the referee to their advantage, allowing Bosley to get in some cheapshots with his police baton on a couple of occassions. Unable to get into the ring to help, the part-time radio presenter instead used the power of his voice to cheer on his partner from the apron. Which eventually worked, as CPA was unable to hit the Dominator and got surprised with a sudden DDT! Tags on both sides brought in Bosley and Pigley, who went all house of fire on the Detective. A Standing Moonsault brought a 2 count and set Bosley up to be Flatlined, only for CPA to come in with the electric sho... uhm, a clothesline on Pigley. As the typical pier-six brawl broke out it gave Bosley chance to whip out the baton again (ooh err!), only for Pigley to duck and Bosley to walk right into an Anderson Spinebuster! Quickly, The Docs set up Bosley, looking for the Defibrillator (Hart Attack Clothesline), but CPA charged in to cut Pigley off with the DEVESTATING~! Gigaton Punch! One solid right hand then left Anderson seeing stars and allowed Bosley to deliver Justifiable Homicide (The Unprettier) to score the win for The Enterprise's newest tag team combination. Winner: V.I.C.E, via pinfall ANGLE SLAM 2008 August 31st, San Antonio, TX LIVE on Pay-Per-View! It's still Summer? Really? Because I'm looking out of my window and it's pissing down with rain, so ya could have fooled me! Backstage, Todd Cortez was changing after his match earlier, when Megan Skye intruded into his locker room. Well, actually, that's a lie since Cortez's locker room is Cucaracha Internacional's locker room, a fact she made crystal clear to him. With no Landon around it was left to Megan to chastise Cortez. She laid into him for blowing his opportunity and warned him of how disappointed Landon was going to be when he heard that Cortez lost, on Syndicated, against two newcomers, but more than that because he STILL couldn't be a team player. Cortez listened on disinterested until Megan had finished, before simply getting up and walking off. ***Biff Atlas -VS- Moracca w/Mariachi*** Biff made his ever fearful way to the ring expecting the worst, but seemed okay with his opposition as Moracca danced his way to the ring. Not happy, but slightly less fearful. Moracca got the crowd behind him earlier on and Mariachi played cheerleader... seriously, he knew ALL the moves... on the floor. Not for long though, as Biff produced a sound meter from his tights and pointed out to referee Robinson that the noise from the crowd was at a dangerous and unacceptable level. Robinson protested there was nothing he could do, but Biff had come further prepared with EAR-PLUGS. They came in handy as during the first lock-up Biff backed Moracca up in the corner and started choking away, but couldn't hear the 5 count, buying him a few extra seconds before the referee removed the ear-plugs and forced the break. Second lock-up was not so pleasant, as Moracca turned Biff into the corner and gave him a BUTT-slap! Biff got the advantage with some clubbing forearms on the next lock-up though and started to take charge. After a knee to the gut he left Moracca struggling for breath and Biff, fearing Moracca's mask was restricting his breathing, 'helpfully' tried to remove it to clear his airways. That explanation didn't wash with Robinson who despaired of his assignment more and more. Biff continued his power attack and seemed shockingly calm and in control. That is until he set Moracca up for the Safetysault. Biff lost his footing on the middle rope though thanks to some stray baby-oil, so wisely went back inside for a safer Bottom Rope Big Splash... which he missed, about 20 seconds after first setting Moracca up. The worst was to come however. Biff sat in the corner asking for a timeout to catch his breath, when to his upmost horror Moracca started backing up towards him. And despite his pleading and protesting Moracca kept on backing up until he had applied the dreaded STINKFACE!! Unable to put into words the cavalcade of hygiene risks caused by that move, Biff started to hyperventilate as he got to his feet, unable to rid himself of the toxxic taste and sickening smell of humiliation. As Robinson tried to check if Biff wanted to quit, Moracca snuck up behind and leapt onto Biff's back, applying a rear naked choke... and DRY HUMPING his way to victory, as Biff fearfully tapped out within a second!! Winner: Moracca, via submission Moracca and Mariachi celebrated the former's victory with further lack of regard for hygiene, while Biff continued to shake in fear, face white as a ghost as he was eventually helped from the ring. NEXT WEEK ON HELDDOWN~! There's A First Time For Everything... Money In The Bank Semi Final Match, Winner Goes To AngleSlam! Krista Isadora Duncan vs. "Silky Smooth" Leon Rodez Plus, There's A Third Time For Some Things Zack Malibu vs. Nathaniel Black The AngleSlam RecaPalooza provided us nostalgic memories of... uh, 2007? Yes, WAY back in 2007! Remember the good ol' days of yore? Like when Ye Olde Enterprise took on those Vaudevillian level entertainers, Leon Rodez, D*LUX and Chicks Over Dicks, all for the honour of humble damsel Jade Rodez? And she doth taketh thy money and thy condom and she see'eth the light! That veritable rouge Scrooge Moneymaker did taste thine Banana Hammock! And the people of the village did strike up the old vitrola for jubilant celebrations! Ah, the good old days! They don't make memories like that anymore! ***Sly Sommers and Cooper Riley -VS- ......*** Uh, maybe not. Unfortunately, Cooper Riley's injuries prevented him from competing as intended tonight. Or, something. Disregard that this show was actually taped BEFORE that particular HeldDOWN. Instead, we bring you a clip from the best show no longer on TV. So long! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvpo24-Nzl4

[color=blue]OAOAST Productions, Proudly Presents...[/color] [color=purple][size=6]#~~THE LOVE SHACK~~#[/size][/color] [IMG=http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii59/KingCucaracha/loveshack.jpg] We go to the ring to find the canvas covered with the decor of The Love Shack set. The a desk, two stools, a purple carpet and a Grand Rapids street sign. Yes, no expense has been spent... uh, spared... no, wait, right the first time. Stood behind his talk show desk is Leon Rodez, who basks in a "LE - ON!" chant for a while with a smile on his face. A retro "In Crowd" shirt adorns his chest, awaiting a possible new one perhaps rather than wearing it out of nostalgia. LEON Alright alright, welcome one and all to another edition of the last talk show standing, apparantly... yes, it is of course The Love Shack. "YYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" LEON Yeah, yay, yay. There've been many pretenders, but it's safe to say that time has told and The Love Shack is still... *points to t-shirt*... What's In! And you know what they say, if you're not IN... you... uh, something. Sorry. It's only been one week, I haven't committed the catchphrase to memory yet. But safe to say whatever it is, it's cool and it's poignant in it's meaning. Leon comes out from behind his desk. LEON Now, what can I say about tonight's guest. Well, I would be lying if I said my guest tonight needed no introduction. In reality, she needs an introduction, ranging anywhere from two to five minutes in length, chronicalling her career and her achievements in life, with references to her wisdom and beauty. Unfortunately for her, I don't really feel like it. Ladies and gentlemen, KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN! Up goes the expected roar as MGMT's Electric Feel kicks in, and the cheers grow ever louder at the sight of Krista's well toned body on her entrance video. Shock me like an electric eel baby girl turn me on with your electric feel Ooh girl shock me like an electric eel baby girl turn me on with your electric feel Breezing through the entrance way, Krista takes a sip from her martini glass and just now notices the lack of heavily choreographed dancers there to greet her and to interact with. She contemplates for a second how bad finances must be for there to be no dancers for her entrance for a talk shot segment and yet money to give Tony Tourettes a regular wage, before contemplating dancing alone. But she soon summises that's only for the desperate and those in the privacy of their own home and keeps it cool with some more alcohol sipping as she walks the aisle. Far from dressed up for the occassion, Krista walks with casual ellegance in a summery white mini skirt and yellow vesttop as if she'd just stepped off of Hollywood Boulevard on a August evening's stroll. She pauses on the ramp to remark that the cost-cutting is really badly prioritised on seeing Leon's show set, before making her trademark hanging third rope leg showing no martini spilling reach for the tissues fans at homing entrance. COLE Well, this ought to be very interesting. COACH Thanks for the input. Krista picks up her own microphone and does her best to look interested. LEON Krista Isadora Duncan. Welcome to the show. Safe to say, we haven't so much got unfinished business as we have un[i]started[/i] business. KRISTA Ooh, cute. That take you long to write? LEON (ignoring Krista) It's been a long time coming, this. As has the match we'll be having next week in the Money In The Bank Tournament, to determine who's going to AngleSlam. After all these many years, with all the water that's passed under the bridge, finally we get to go one on one. Although, not in the way of myself and the other member of COD, unfortunately... which I guess is something we both have in common, but also brings us back to water under the bridge. See, it seems like I just can't have anything happen in my life without you involved in some way sometimes. KRISTA Listen, if this long-winded monologue I've just drifted into is your way of professing a long hidden crush for me, I'm afraid you're gonna have to go ahead and join the queue somewhere behind Theodore Moneymaker, somewhere ahead of Terry Taylor who I insist on keeping chained to the back of said queue despite his long-held ticket being in single-digit, really anywhere in amongst about everyone in this poor, deluded, internet message board with only one guy pretending to be a girl that everyone tries to impress with their 'l33t flaming' skills and the ability to find funny pictures of cats with some crappy web text Photoshopped underneath it resembling poor excuse for a wrestling company. COLE My screensaver is a cat in the middle of a busy street, saying 'SO MUCH PEOPLEZ~!' COACH ... LEON Firstly, you're really in no place to call anyone long-winded. We gauge HeldDOWNs on a wrestling to Krista talking ratio in your honour. And it doesn't always come up on the good side. KRISTA Yeah, we have kinda been having more matches around here lately, huh? Shrugging, Leon doesn't seem all that surprised at the response. LEON Well, loath as I'm sure you are to do it, let's talk about wrestling for a second. Let's talk about our match next week, Money In The Bank Tournament. KRISTA Of all the things we could possibly talk about, THAT's your go to? Oh Leon, I am disappointed. So very, very disappointed. I've never felt so removed from you as I do right now. Come on man. You used to date my lesbian girlfriend! Your sister turned out to be your niece and my daughter who I conceived with a brother of yours kept so secret I doubt even YOU knew about him until I brought his name up for this first time! Your tag-team boyband friends have an uncontrollable crush on me and talk about nothing else. And hey, by the way... does your life flat out SUCK or what? No word of a lie, why do you even bother getting out of bed in the mornings? All that on top of being at Zack Malibu's beckon call 24 hours a day, having to fend off two Nerdlys at once, having a man who actually voluntarily calls himself 'Reject' almost steal the one who's your official girlfriend, basically getting trodden on and stepped all over by everybody ever because you're too nice? And out of all this, you wish to talk of a humble pro wrestling match? Well, I can understand why that'd excite you, what with you being the down to earth pro wrassler who just loves competition and so on. Only, to this boring concoction of 'strange reasonings to continue to exist', you now have $500,000... WOWZA, that's like a lot of money apparantly... and all these TSM shares, which I guess are still important even with US finance being plunged into the depths of the toilet bowl, if you beat me... LEON Ah! Ah! Wrong! You see, this is where you clearly just place me in a group with everybody else instead of giving me just a little credit. I don't care about winning TSM shares. It wasn't so long ago, you and me were on the same side fighting Moneymaker, so you should know as well as anyone how much I despise him. If I beat you next week, nothing will give me greater pleasure, not even the knowledge that I'm one step away from $500,000, not even being one match from a guaranteed World Title shot... nothing will give me greater pleasure than looking Moneymaker in the eyes and telling him where to shove his shares in TSM. KRISTA Hard as I find that to believe, I speak for everyone where I say "boy, that'll show him!" "Atta boy Leon, you get metaphorical on his ass you crazy cat!" LEON The only thing I care about in this whole situation is the World Heavyweight Championship. Not the money. Not the shares. The World Title. See, since day one I've strove to be World Champion and that opportunity just keeps on eluding me. I've never been given that fair shake. The chance to be the man. Winning Money In The Bank gives me that chance after FIVE years of waiting! You see this isn't some sideline project, some merry little distraction to me. Unlike you, this is my LIFE! And yeah, my everyday life revolves around having a good time, about doing what I love, about entertaining these fans. But my life's goal is that World Heavyweight Championship. And you'd better get serious about that if you want to beat me next week Krista. Because the difference between me and everyone else is... I can play fun all you want. We can sing songs till the cows come home. Dance routines, you've got it. Far from distracting me, you'll be humouring me... but I've got all that and the serious edge to top it. KRISTA Now now, granted, my life is a little more extravagant than yours. We people of LA have headier dreams than those of a humble Grand Rapids boy. And, granted, $500,000 doesn't have quite the same eyes bulging, mind-blowing effects on a successful money making machine like moi that it does on those scraping by on humble pro-wrestler pay. But being World Heavyweight Champion... that'd be neat, I guess. Now, as far as distractions go, I'm happy to hear you won't let that happen to you. Honestly, all these poor saps going comatose with drool drippling down my chin the moment I happen to show a little thigh taking a step towards them gets a little tiresome. No doubt my skills on the mic can't be beat, but karaoke nights just aren't the same in a wrestling ring in front of wrestling fans without beer and with Rico on back-up. People get set to charge up them pacemakers because shock shock, horror horror, Krista Isadora Duncan is actually looking forward to having a fine wrestling match next week, with no comical distractions. No singing. No dancing. No quotings of famous playrights or working in of cultural slang of current relevance. Nothing. Honest to Betsy! Cross my heart and hope to meet the big guy with the pitchfork. No no no. There is just one problem however. See, go figure, ol' Krista ain't quite as young and sprightly as she used to be. What can I say, those hyperberic chambers Alix created didn't slow the ravages of time for either of us. They were nice and snug and cosy, but that's another story. So, anyway, ol' Krista goes and gets herself a routine check-up because she's worried about these ten million dollar pins right here. And the doctor, he looks them up and down... and looks them up and down again... and looks them up and down again. So, he gets struck off for sexual harrassment and practicising medicine with a clipboard shoved halfway up his pooper and I consult a female doctor. And it turns out, I have a serious medical condition. Oh yeah. This right knee, turns out it's not quite the 5 million dollar sculpture of bone and flesh it seems. See, any time I get a bump on my big toe... Krista bends over and taps her big toe, at which point she starts shaking her BUTT rhythmically. Leon's eyes can't help but be drawn to the yellow panties under Krista's dress which has riden up her thigh and is shaking violently as her rhythm suddenly amps up. "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" KRISTA ...my buns, they start a shakin'! They call it Fiddy's Disease apparantly. So, it's a comfort to know that should this by some miracle happen next week, you won't be distracted, not even one teensy... little... bit! COACH I think I speak for everyone when I say... BOI-YOOOIIIING!! Mesmerized by the impromptu show, Leon stares on for a while. LEON (after about a ten second delay) You know what, I'm not going to be distracted, because I know you far better than that. Any... improper thoughts... well, they'll be well countered with the usual thoughts of dislike I possess about you. KRISTA Dislike? Come on, no need to be getting raw on me now. LEON Face it. You don't me and I don't like you. Struggling to find a way to disagree, Krista just kinda ends up shrugging like 'so what'. LEON The fact is, you've never liked me. KRISTA Well, can you blame me? Aside from you being the very epitomé of all I hate about the narcissistic male half of the human race, a very large percentile of my overall disgust for you, the name Rodez doesn't exactly conjour up many good memories of my life. LEON Like Jade for example? KRISTA Like your brother, for example. Like being reminded of the trauma of a teenage pregnancy and giving birth to a child knowing full well her father was gone, for example. Seeing you carrying that name around the OAOAST, a constant reminder of that trauma. And then seeing Jade every week in the same building following in the same path as me and knowing I couldn't say a damn thing to her about her real parentage. Is it any wonder I took my hate out on you? Listen, I don't like anybody, let alone some cocky ex-pornstar who's brother impregnated me with a secret child! And don't you even start guilt-tripping me about Jade, okay? I did what was for the best. LEON Yeah, the best for Krista Isadora Duncan, just like everything you do. Not one to get riled up over petty arguements with pro wrestlers easily, Krista doesn't really appreciate that one. KRISTA Wanna know what'd really be best for me right now? Not being here looking at you. Because all those painful memories, oh lord how it clenches up my fist. And when I clench up my fist there can only be two reasons. Guess which. Clue, it involves your face and doesn't involve removing my pants. Besides, I don't remember you being so quick to fill her in on the missing truths of her life once you found out there, Unky Leon. Seems she forgave me a little quicker than she did you. Tell ya anything? LEON And what has she got ever since she forgave you and eventually got her head around the fact you brought her into this world? Huh? [i]Nothing![/i] Her life was going fine until that revelation and it's been a steady decline ever since. Because even when she forgave you, it was all about you. There was no suggestion of the mighty media darling altering her life to adapt to the daughter she abandoned and washed her hands of, oh no! All the adjustment was put on Jade's shoulders. And I know what you're thinking, 'I gave her a better life' and maybe you can provide better things for her but that's not enough. You've completely disrupted her life, just as much as Moneymaker did. You fly her out to Los Angeles away from her family. You move her in with her new sister, who torments her for months. You throw her into a celebrity world she's got no business in, totally unprepared. And you know the worst thing? All the while, you systematically mock her. Just like you do to everybody else in the OAOAST and no doubt in your other life. You MOCK your own daughter, not out of spite or disdain, but because you can't help yourself! You mock her for being shy and quaint. You mock the fact she grew up in the relative quiet of Grand Rapids. You mock her for being NORMAL! The result being, her self-confidence is shot. She doesn't know who she is anymore, all because of you. I see her going out and getting destroyed by Malaysia trying to be Women's Champion, all to live up to the Duncan standards of success. You put her out there with words of praise and encouragement, but then you sit back and watch her fail at something you know that deep down she's not ready for. Modelling? Auditions to be an actress? Same thing. And now? She can be the mouthpiece for two grown men, but everytime I look at my TV screen and see her next to you she's stumbling over her words, uhming and ahhing, totally berefit of the confidence she's built up since coming here. Face it Krista, what Jade needed was a stable home, not a Hollywood Mom... and right now, you're failing her, just like you failed her at birth! .... Yes, for one, Krista is actually momentarily speechless. COLE Wow. COACH Leon just got cold-blooded on Krista. I love it! Having to metaphorically dust herself off after that, Krista does not look happy in the slightest. COACH At least I'll always have that moment to remember Leon by. Thanks brother. It was nice knowin' ya. KRISTA I can't believe I'm saying this, to you, but ya know maybe you're right. Maybe I am [i]about[/i] to fail Jade. Because I promised not to tear you apart out here tonight and leave you a snivelling, castrated wreck with no dignity in the middle of what I guess passes for a talk show set around here. But now, I'm not so sure. So Jade, honey, turn off the TV, because it's way past watershed. See I care about Jade. Sure, I've done some shit that I ain't so proud of where she's concerned, but you'd better believe I care about her. So don't you DARE start suggesting I don't. Because if Jade wants me to play nice girl, I can try my best. But if I have to do something to defend myself to her, then trust me when I saw I will rip your face off and wear it as a mask to replace you in her life whilst you're spending the remainder of it trying to dislodge your testicles from your oesophagus! "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" KRISTA OOOOOHHHH indeed! "Aw naw she di'nt!" Oh, yes, she did... and oh, yes, she most certainly will! And not only would I be putting you out of the misery I've already described, I'll be doing my female race a major favour in the process, all things considered. God only knows how many abandoned babies you've been responsible for in your life, nevermind ones you thought were siblings. You're busy playing the field, trying to have your Nerdly and eat it too, all too literally, with TWO SISTERS! You letched after Crystal for about a month until she had enough and ran for the hills. Hell, remember why you and Alix broke up? Besides her finally getting her head as close to straight as it'll ever be? Because you cared more about a wrestling belt than your own girlfriend! The 24/7 Title no less. Even the people without girlfriends, ie. everyone else who ever held it, didn't care about it that much! So your track record for screwing up women's lives is pretty much flawless. Maybe that's why I don't feel even the slightest bit bad about Jade moving away from you to LA, taking the Duncan name, converting to my faith, becoming a part of my family. Truth be told, if anyone's got the potential to fail Jade then it'd be you. Because with you as a male role model, who knows how screwed up a human-being she was going to turn out to be! Although I guess if she needed any tips on how to deepthroat a cock properly then you'd have been a godsend! Leon just glares back at Krista, who is apparantly done. Quick and to the point by her standards, but no less savage than usual. The two continue glaring until Krista finally volunteers to end the show by throwing her microphone across Leon's desk and leaving. No music, no nothing, just Krista walking off and Leon left standing in the ring, both with plenty to think about. COLE So, uh, how about that then? COACH Boy, that went sour fast. And it was awesome! COLE Well I think it's safe to say the tension next week will be a few notches higher than it was promising to be after that. Something tells me, just as this was, it won't stay pretty for long between these two. Krista dissappears off into the back as we fade out on Leon stood sternly in the ring.

BUFFER The following, non-title contest, is set for one fall and it is a Quarter Final Match in the Money In The Bank Tournament! As Buffer finishes, a piano plays a melody causing the crowd to erupt. COLE Alright! Try not to get in trouble with this guy too, wouldya Coach? COACH Ah, clam up. The lights go down in the arena, turning back on in tune with the melody. [b]"COME ON!" *BOOM~!*[/b] Pyro explodes, leaving behind fire that burns on both sides of the entrance stage. "Gasolina (Remix)" by Daddy Yankee featuring Lil’ Jon and Pitbull starts playing as Colombian Heat rushes out onto the stage, getting the crowd fired up. Heat runs to both sides of the entrance stage and fires that section of the arena up. Heat raises his hands, acknowledging the fans before hand-slapping his way down the aisle. BUFFER On his way to the ring at this time... originally from Bogotá, Colombia, but now residing in Miami, Florida. He weighs in at one hundred and eighty pounds... the reigning OAOAST United States Heavyweight Champion... CCOOOOOLLLLLLLOOOOOOOMMMMMBBIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAANN... HHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAATT!!! "YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Heat slides into the ring and fires up the Philly faithful. COLE Colombian Heat just three more wins away from a guaranteed shot at his good buddy, Tha Puerto Rican and his World Heavyweight Championship. And you've gotta believe that if Heat wins that Money In The Bank contract, he won't be someone who'll sneak around waiting for their opportunity to pounce. Heat's the kinda guy who'll be straight up and in your face, he'll use that contract for a fair one on one shot, man to man. COACH Because he's a putz! The whole point of the contract is you can use it when it's most convenient for you. You say to a guy 'oh, hey, I'm gonna cash my contract in in about three weeks, give you a few weeks to prepare...', might as well say 'hey, while I'm at it, here's a copy of my last five matches on DVD and a list of my personal fears and dislikes for you to study, good luck!' In the ring, Colombian Heat has taken the microphone. HEAT A'ight, a'ight... Philadelphia, Land Of Da Extreme! If ya'll ready to see me make [i]La Cucaracha[/i] fell the Heat, then lemme hear ya'll make just a little noise up in this... CROWD BIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATCH~! COACH Ugh! Heat flips the mic back to Buffer and goes into his warm-ups, as the moody intro to "Megalomaniac" begins to play. Boos ring out through the arena, preparing to greet the ever unpopular La Cucaracha. [b]"PREPARE...FOR...LANDON!"[/b] [i]...WAAAAAHHHHH... *DUM DUM*[/i] "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Bursting out onto the stage Landon pumps a determined fist at his side before thrusting one triumphant finger over his head. At his side as ever is Megan Skye, both looking in quite determined mood as they head to the ring. Landon extends his hands to his side encouraging cheers because, hey, he's pretty damn good. The fans are not to be swayed though and continue to shout their abuse. BUFFER And introducing the opponent. Accompanied to the ring by MEGAN SKYE. He hails from Huron, South Dakota by way of Madrid, Spain... weighing in at two hundred and eight pounds. The leader of Cucaracha Internacional... the former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... ladies and gentlemen, LLLAAAAAAAAANNDDOOOOONN... "LA CUCARACHA"... MMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAADDIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXX!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Landon's had his fair share of difficulties this year, what with his ongoing struggle to get Todd Cortez back on his side and now Nathaniel Black developing a mind of his own. But Landon's main concern tonight is winning back that World Heavyweight Championship and solidifying Cucaracha Internacional as the top faction in the OAOAST. Landon makes his way up the ring steps, walking down the apron with a sea of downturned thumbs and upturned middle fingers being brandished at him. Just smirking, Landon waits for Megan to hold the ropes for him before spinning himself into the ring. Even before his entrance is over La Cucaracha is on the referee's case to watch for any "funny business" from Heat as he scales the turnbuckles, further winding up the crowd as he postures to the hard camera. COLE So here we go with our third Money In The Bank Tournament Quarter Final. Already advanced, Leon Rodez and Krista Isadora Duncan, who we'll be seeing later on in what promises to be an explosive Love Shack. This promises to be an explosive match right here though. Jumping from the turnbuckles, Landon and Megan go through some last minute strategy, made harder by the noise generated by Heat and the Philidelphia crowd. *DINGDINGDING!* The bell sounds and in an effort to show Heat up, Landon scales the turnbuckles again and poses. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE And if Landon expected that to work, he's the only one in this entire arena. And that's a lot of people. As Maddix pouts at the poor reaction, Heat shows him how it's done by leaping to the turnbuckles opposite and firing up the fans! "YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" Not one to give up on a challenge, no matter how futile it may be, Landon asks Heat to step aside and let him try again with the part of the crowd he knows is capable of cheering. And Heat stands back amused as Landon asks the crowd to give him what they've got. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Maddix just can't seem to understand what's going on. Sympathising with him, Heat decides that he'll try again for Landon... "YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" ...and another round of cheers goes up... ...cut short as Landon leaps up and clubs the unsuspecting Heat in the back with a forearm!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH Haha! Wrestling isn't a popularity contest, it's a brains contest and there's not one person in this company lower ranked than Heat in those stakes! Pulling Heat down off the turnbuckles, Landon stomps him in the corner with a big smile on his face before stopping to point to his head, just to get the point across about how darned smart he is. Landon drags Heat upright, popping him in the jaw with a forearm. And a second. Irish whip then sends Heat corner to corner, Landon following in with a leaping forearm smash... but Heat dodges out of the way! Saving himself, a block with the hands prevents Landon eating turnbuckle. As he comes out of the corner though, he's bowled over as Heat comes off the ropes with a clothesline. Landon pops back up, into a hiptoss. Back up again, scooped and slammed by Heat. Into a corner scrambles Landon and suddenly he wants to make friends, offering up a handshake to his amped up opponent. Heat asks the crowd for their advice, but goes completely against it by reciprocating... almost... just out of reach of Landon's hand, slowly lowering his hand towards the mat. And as Landon's eyes follow it, Heat suprises him with a quick kick up into the shoulder blade sending him out to the floor! COLE You were saying Coach? COACH Well that wasn't smart, that was just deceptive! COLE I don't know, Heat was pretty smart in getting here if I recall. COACH Again, 'smart', apologist speak for cheating. He tied Faqu's feet so he couldn't get into the ring, that's just low. COLE But it was also smart. Maddix paces around ringside complaining to Megan about the cheapshot he just took. Megan is suddenly gone though and Landon soon finds out why, as Heat comes soaring out onto him with a PESCADO! "HEAT!" "HEAT!" "HEAT!" "HEAT!" Heat tags a few hands before going back to business, throwing Landon back inside. COLE The US Champion looking to fly again here in the early going. On the apron, Heat encourages Landon back to his feet. La Cucaracha does come up and walks unsuspectingly into the path of a Springboard Flying Forearm Smash! Cover by Heat... 1... 2... No! Coming back up with renewed determination, Landon swings with a wild forearm. Heat ducks to a knee though, striking to the midsection with a backfist before reaching up and flipping Maddix to the mat by the arm. Rolling through to his feet, Landon rushes forward. Heat bypasses him with a sidestep, catching Landon coming off the ropes with a hiptoss... NO! Turning in mid-air Landon comes down on his feet, popping up onto Heat's thighs and pushing off for the Thesz Plant... but Heat shoves him off and Landon faceplants into the canvas! COLE Heat, one step ahead of La Cucaracha there again! Landon climbs back up and Heat takes him right back down with a swinging headscissors. COLE Landon is used to being the quicker man in the match against most opponents, but not so here with the explosive Colombian Heat! COACH Don't worry, he'll have a plan. He always has a plan. Pulling himself up against the ropes, Maddix is caught and shot across the ring. Before he can hit the opposite ropes though Landon slides into first base and to a stop. Heat rushes at him but Landon cuts him off with a quick boot to the gut. Hitting the ropes, Landon then looks to capitalise, but gets caught with a surprise Powerslam! 1... 2... No! Heat picks Landon back up and strikes him with some open handed chops to the chest. An irish whip sends Landon off the ropes, into a back elbow as he rebounds back. With Landon down, Heat throws up the "Westside W" with his hands and springs to the middle rope, coming back with the WESTSIIIIIIIDE Moonsault... ...and although Landon rolls out of the way, Heat lands on his feet! COLE Nice adjustment! Waiting on Landon, Heat runs in looking for another headscissors... but he gets caught midway around the world and dropped awkwardly across the knee, to a groan from the crowd! COACH How's about that for a nice adjustment? COLE Tilt a whirl into a backbreaker, great counter for the attempted headscissors. Hook of the leg by Maddix... 1... 2... No! Staying on the back, Landon sits Heat up and drives a knee into the spine. Coming off the ropes Maddix then follows up with a hard kick which leaves Heat writhing in pain on the mat. LANDON GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE The former soccer player getting a painful soccer lesson. COACH That's why Spain are European Champions, right there. COLE .....huh? COACH ...well, they are. Heat starts pulling himself up on the ropes and Maddix walks over, giving him a kick in the body. Then a shot across the back, before delivering another kick. Landon then presses Heat up against the ring ropes... *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" ...and delivers a knifedge chop! Heat responds with a short jab, but Landon opens Heat up again... *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" ...and hits another chop! As Heat goes down Landon quickly presses his throat against the middle rope and sticks a knee in the back, choking away at the US Champion. "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" "FOUR!" Clean break from Landon. Eventually. COLE Of course Maddix the last and only Money In The Bank holder in the OAOAST. And as we see him use a shortcut, we're all reminded of the shortcuts he used with that contract first time around to win the World Title. Fluffing his hair Landon smiles as he feels the match going his way now. He brings Heat to his feet, landing a forearm before sending him across the ring with an irish whip, setting up a picture-perfect Dropsault flush to the jaw! Landon's attempts to get some appreciation fail even after that great move and he wisely gives up, making a cover... 1... 2... No! Landon wraps Heat up in a rear chinlock and bides his time, while Heat looks to the crowd for some support in getting to his feet. "LET'S GO HEAT!" "LET'S GO HEAT!" "LET'S GO HEAT!" "LET'S GO HEAT!" COLE The US Champion looking for a little inspiration. Trying to add a bodyscissors, Landon looks worried as Heat gets to a knee. From the knee he's quickly up to his feet and Landon adjusts to a more potent sleeper hold, too late as it turns out. Heat goes to the gut with an elbow to the breadbasket. A second. And a third. Hold broken, Heat then breaks free of Landon's clutches and the US Champ catches La Cucaracha by surprise with a right hand. Heat quickly hits another punch! And another! Heat then does the DANCE~!, before completing the Shake, Rattle and Roll! COLE Oh yeah, Heat is feeling it now! COACH And when this idiot starts feeding off of these people, he's like a different person. I just don't get it. Feeling it, Heat loads up Maddix and sends him off the ropes, then up into the air with a BAAAAACK bodydrop! The former World Champion is reeling and walks into a quick scoop and a slam, Heat with a quick SHIMMY~! before he heads to the top. Slapping the turnbuckles he gets the fans even further into it and makes his way to the top. Landon is up but that's of no concern to Heat, who takes off with his patented Missile Dropkick... ...but Landon steps out of the way and Heat crashes and burns!!! "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE That might cut off the adrenaline flow Heat had going right there. Once Heat rolls onto his back, Landon follows up with a double stomp, bottoming out with the back senton a second later. Landon reaches back and hooks a leg... 1... 2... Kickout! Landon brings Heat up with him and clubs him in the back a few times. He then delivers a straight kick to the chest of the Colombian, almost knocking him head over heels. Grabbing the ankle Landon rolls Heat through to his feet and hooks him by the head, looking for the Cucaracha Cutte... NO! A shove in the back from Heat saves him, Landon sent into the ropes. As he comes back Heat throws a weak clothesline, which is ducked by Landon, hooking the head from the rear this time and bringing Heat down with a neckbreaker, right down across the knee!! Cover... 1... 2... NO! Unhappy with the count La Cucaracha gets on the referee's case. COLE You can just tell how desperate Landon is here, how much becoming World Champion again means to him. Being this close to a guaranteed title opportunity just as he used to win the World Championship last year. COACH The pressure's on, that's for sure. A lot of guys and a lot of groups looking for dominance around here at the moment. "LAN - DON SUCKS!" "LAN - DON SUCKS!" "LAN - DON SUCKS!" "LAN - DON SUCKS!" Under a barrage of abuse from the fans, albeit quite reserved for Philidelphia, Landon encourages Heat back to his feet, clearly sizing him up for something. The hurting US Champion starts to climb back up and Landon quickly positions himself behind his opponent, stalking him. Once Heat gets to his feet Landon then looks to pounce as he grabs hold of Heat by the shoulders. Just as Landon's feet leave the mat though, so do Heat's, the airborne Maddix getting caught with the PELE KICK~!~! "YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COLE THE PELE~!~! Maddix was thinking Lungblower, but he just got blown right out of the air right there! Coming down face-first, Landon staggers up... and Heat summons up the strength to deliver a Superkick! COLE And that one was right in the jaw, Maddix could be out cold! It takes Heat a few second to summon up any extra strength after that second kick. Heat eventually manages to crawl over and make some body to body contact though... 1... 2... NO! COLE Oh, it just took Heat a second too long to make the cover and that could have cost him right there! Megan breathes a sigh of relief, but is soon worrying once more as she sees the far-away look in Landon's eyes as he tries to recover. Both men slowly return to their feet and Heat attacks first with a right hand. And another. And a third, Landon with no defence as he stumbles up against the ropes. He puts up a flimsy guard which Heat swats away... *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" ...to deliver a knifedge chop. *SLAP!* [i]"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"[/i] And a second, causing Megan to cover her face in shame as her woken-up man lets out a scream. COACH Why do people have to chop Landon when they know it hurts him so much? COLE Well, gee, maybe if he went around the locker room and asked nicely they might go easy on him. It's not like the point of professional wrestling is to inflict pain on people or anything. Stifling laughter at his opponent, Heat looks for an irish whip... but Landon reverses to arm's length and boots him in the gut! He quickly follows up with a DDT, then rolls off to the left to turn Heat over into a front guillotine choke! COACH This oughta cause some pain! COLE Colombian Heat sunk in Wet Cement and in big trouble here. Maddix adds a bodyscissors to the hold and Heat is well and truly stuck now. Nodding his head eagerly, Landon tightens on his choke as the referee checks for any submission. Heat wags his finger saying no for now though, refusing to give in. Despite his position Heat lifts up his foot and knowing where he is in the ring he tries to place it on the bottom rope in front of him. Megan sees it and warns Landon, who holds onto the choke regardless. Energy begins to sap out of Heat's body pretty soon and as he begins to fade, he tries again, shuffling forward a little on his backside. He feeds his foot out... and touches the bottom rope... not good enough for a break, but enough for Landon to release the hold and stack up Heat with a hopeful folding press... 1... 2... Kickout! COLE Not enough. Heat still has something left. Having had enough himself, Landon calls for the end. He waits for Heat and lifts him up into a fireman's carry, looking to put him to sleep... but Heat slips out the back. Heat applies a full nelson and Landon gets Crunk'd Up, middle of the ring! COLE A lot left, maybe! COACH Oh come on, no. COLE Careful. COACH Yeah I know, I know, watch my mouth... but, come on, not Colombian Heat! Now it's Heat looking for the end and he gets back to his feet, taking a look out around the crowd... as he clutches his throat and gasps for air! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" COLE There's the signal! As he reaches his feet Landon gets a boot to the gut, Heat turning back to back and hooking up the arms. With a quick twist he's underneath La Cucaracha and elevates him off his feet, hovering him over the mat... but Landon starts kicking his feet until they're back on solid ground. Heat quickly lifts again, but this time he over-compensates and Landon goes all the way up and over the back, untangling himself from Heat and pulling him down into an O'Connor roll... 1... 2... TIGHTS! BUT NO! COLE Maddix trying to take the cheap way out, but luckily only two! The referee suspects foul play but the chance to reprimand Landon doesn't come. Hitting the ropes in front, Landon catches Heat on his way up, around the head with his left arm, swinging himself around the back and bringing him down from the right side with an inverted bulldog! COACH What a move that is. Heat is knocked loopy from hitting the back of his head and unaware of where he is, he stumbles back to his feet. Unwittingly though, he plays right into Landon's hands. Getting to one knee, Heat stops and Landon takes aim... not with his usual shining wizard, but a SUPERKICK, right in the cheek! Before the US Champion can hit the mat, Landon then elevates Heat up onto his shoulders... COLE Look out here... COACH Nighty night! ...AND CRACKS HIM WITH THE GO 2 SLEEP!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Three quick attacks in succession and Heat is out! With a look of relief Landon drops and hooks up a leg, to boos from the fans resigned to hearing the... 1... 2... 3!!! *DINGDINGDING!* Megan punches a fist on the sound of the bell and enters the ring, as Landon pushes up off of Heat with a smile. Taking the referee's duty she raises Landon's hand, as La Cucaracha looks around with all the confidence of a man who was in complete control of the whole match, which of course he wasn't but don't tell him that, hey. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, advancing to the Semi Finals of the Money In The Bank Tournament... LANDON "LA CUCARACHA" MMMAAAAAAADDIIIIIIIXXXXXXXX!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" One foot on Heat's chest, Landon extends his hands in celebration. COLE So we know three of our four semi-finalists and Landon Maddix is now one step closer to another Money In The Bank contract. Landon is finally convinced to stop stepping on his fallen opponent and takes his celebrations elsewhere, leaving the ref to check on Heat. Happy with his victory Landon laughs it up all the way to the back and possibly all the way to the bank, as we go elsewhere!

Hey, it was Miami, you were back, we couldn't NOT do it! And yeah I'll take the rap for getting Tod's name wrong. It was late and I was busy searching under DeKindes for stuff to link a write-up for the match around. What can I say, nothing worked.

That's it, Kofi's new role! "Jamie Noble, you come out here and you talk yourself up every week. It makes the women crazy, makes the fans crazy. Jamie, you're even Jamaican me crazy..... wait a minute... Did I just say... JAMAICAN ME CRAZY!" *Kofi runs in from the crowd and lays Noble out with a sloppy spin kick*

And by considering (too lazy to edit the other one), I mean this in particular needs to go before Love Shack and Alf's match. Infact, it should really be this, Landon/Heat, TLS and Alf's segments and 3 way match wherever in the middle, Alf/Bo. Sorry for the backseat directing! Watching all this with great interest is none other than Jade Rodez-Duncan. Great interest, coupled with great nervousness, coupled with just a little bit of disgust at the post-match scene. But mainly it's the nervousness. Not watching with great interest, or any interest at all for that matter meanwhile, is Krista Isadora Duncan, proprieter of the locker room and currently busy fixing her hair in her mirror ahead of her public appearance. Jade looks up from the TV screen a couple of times hoping to catch eye contact with her mother. But she's fixated with her reflection, forcing Jade to quaintly clear her throat to get her attention. JADE Mom... can we talk about Malaysia? KRISTA I don't know. Have a go by all means. JADE Uhm... well, okay, see the thing is I challeng... KRISTA (sticks her fingers in her ears) Oh dear, nope nope nope, doesn't look like you can after all. Lalala, you make me wanna lala... ugh, now see what you've got me singing!? I think I need to throw up. Pass me that martini I thoughtlessly placed on the radiator a half hour ago, that oughta push me the extra step of the way. Fingers down the throat is so archane. JADE Please? KRISTA *sighs* Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you honey. You were... uhm... Krista looks at the look on Jade's face. KRISTA Okay, so I'm not going to tell you the truth either. Are you sure we can't just do something else that'll hurt your feelings instead but will be easier to gloss over by this weekend when I need you to babysit Maya. Oh, yeah, by the way, I need you to babysit Maya this weekend. JADE I challenged Malaysia to a match at AngleSlam. This is going to go away. KRISTA Oh alright, fine, make me make you hate me! Who actually taught you to wrestle? JADE Well, Leon... and I trained at the OAOAST school for a little while. KRISTA Oh lordy lordy lordy. See there's your problem! The OAOAST wrestling school has to the best of my knowledge, which by the way does not usually stretch to such insignificant matters but I make an exception in this case, produced precisely three people ever. All of whom largeless worthless, thus evidenced by their pitance salaries paid in rusty dimes and nickles and stolen World War II food stamps which unbeknownest to him Clem is no longer collecting, which incidentally provides the sole reason I call them largely worthless as opposed to completely and utterly worthless. And as for Leon, what the heck has he ever done? No, really, he's interviewing me in about 15 minutes and I need any and all ammunition. I'm pretty certain we have very little to talk about. It's not like our lives or careers have ever become entangled in any meaningful or suspiciously convenient way. Look, you weren't neccessarily 'bad'. You just weren't doing things the Duncan way. Although, I consider everything not done the Duncan way to be bad as a matter of principal. You see the dillemma I'm in. Can you please commit to babysitting Maya this weekend before we go any further? Jade looks sadly at the floor. JADE So... uhm, would you... help me be better. Please? KRISTA Oh, honey, of course I will. JADE It doesn't have to be much. I know you're very busy. Just some of what it takes to be a Duncan. KRISTA Well, it is my specialist subject. That and modern greats of the movie industries featuring partial and full front female nudity. Someday a gameshow will accept me as a contestant so I can prove it. Someday... *looks off into distance wistfully* Anyway, until that day comes, we'll take a new haircut as your starter for 10. And by ten, I of course mean 1000, the guesstimate amount of dollars it's going to take to sort all of... this wild growth out. Then we'll fit you up with a new wardrobe, at a price the closest to excellence and not one penny under. And then you'll be ready for the wild world of the OAOAST, where everything's made up and the titles don't matter. JADE Once you've taught me what it takes to be a Duncan. KRISTA Yeah, as I just described. JADE What about the wrestling? Holding up a hand to pause her daughter, Krista grabs herself a martini, purely and simply to take a sip to allow her to execute a spittake. As it's been sitting on the radiator, it actually helps ward off the urge to swallow precious alcohol. KRISTA Sorry, that was the only suitable way to portray my amusement at that statement without further crippling emotional pain, which I am somewhat hesitant to do to you since you're my daughter, legally old enough to babysit my other dauther 'n all. Jade, you clearly have a lot to learn. Trust me when I say, knowledge of professional wrestling is the LEAST important piece of the puzzle that is my successful career! No, you're right, I am very busy. I will happily teach you the important stuff. How to dress, how to present yourself, snappy putdowns and the fine art of charisma. Anything else will be Vinny Valentine. JADE Huh? KRISTA Tedious and painful to experience. It's my new OAOAST word substitution system I've developed, to allow me to sneak in even more unwarranted shots at people. You can never have enough. Anyway, I've asked Alix to take care of what little physical training there may be in your transformation and she had little choice but to accept with the new parental lock I placed on her laptop able to block any and all female nudity at my command. Harsh, perhaps. But for me I would consider it relatively high in the moral stakes. And I didn't even have the heart to so much as threaten full removal of spare batteries from the house. I must be going Christian Wright. JADE Huh? KRISTA Soft. JADE Oh. Of course. Seeing that her daughter isn't seeming to upbeat about the prospects of all this, Krista tries to cheer her up with a consoling click of the fingers to get her attention. Okay, so, not so consoling. But attention grabbing. KRISTA Listen, trust me, once I'm done styling and re-creating you, you'll be a Duncan. Now, about babysitting Maya... JADE Yeah, it's no problem. KRISTA Great. In that case, now that it's signed, sealed and official, you're welcome to watch me verbally castrate your uncle in front of everyone. It'll give you and Maya something to talk about while you're no longer talking to me. Toodles! Off scoots Krista, leaving Jade to dread what's about to happen for yet another different reason.

...you know, considering... The rasping sounds of "Wild Side" by Motley Crue begin to play out through the arena, an unwelcome sound for the young lady that stands in the ring. In her purple athletic attire the newcomer, looking no older than 20 and about 120 pounds soaking wet, looks nervous. With good reason, as the Women's Champion makes her way to the ring, flanked by her man Jock Mulligan, both exuding confidence. BUFFER The following non-title contest is set for one fall... first, in the ring, from Barnesville, Pennsylvania, KELLY BENNETTE! *polite applause* And her opponent making her way to the ring. Accompanied by "Mr. Dick", Jock Mulligan... she is the OAOAST Women's Champion... MMMAAALLLLLAAAYYYYYSSSIIIIIIAAAAAAA... NNEEEERRRRRRRDDLLLLLYYYYYYY!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The intimidating Women's Champion enters the ring, unnerving her young opponent with a crack of the cat o'nine tails. COLE Well a great opportunity for this young lady from the Philadelphia area to compete on national TV, but... that's about the best you can say for her situation I think. Malaysia Nerdly has been nothing but dominant since surfacing in the OAOAST a few months ago. Virtually unstoppable. And the reason why Bennette is here is, pretty much, because no-one else is willing to face her! COACH That's right. All her sisters are way too smart for that, the Megans and the Mackenzies and the Hollywoods are all way too smart for that. Infact the only people dumb and desperate enough are girls without a contract and life failures like Jade Rodez who wanna make mommy proud. COLE You're reffering of course to the news broken on OAOAST.com this week, that Jade challenged Malaysia to a Women's Title rematch, which has been signed for AngleSlam in San Antonio. And, I'll be honest, I can't say any good things coming out of that. *DINGDINGDING!* With the bell sounded, Malaysia relinquishes her title and just as begrudgingly her whip. COLE So, Women's Title not on the line here. This just a tune-up for the ultimate combination of beauty and beatdowns. Looking to make good on her big opportunity, Bennette comes out of her corner determined to take the fight to Malaysia. She attacks her much larger opponent with a few forearms, which Malaysia absorbs before shoving her casually to the ground. To her credit, Kelly rolls back to her feet and charges in again. But Malaysia guides her against the turnbuckles before driving her shoulder into the midsection repeatedly. Each shoulder thrusts lifts Bennette off her feet and she cringes in pain, as Malaysia breaks clean... only to brush the referee aside and drive a running boot into Bennette's ribcage against the turnbuckles! COLE You have to admire Jade's courage for challenging Malaysia to another match, considering the way their previous two have gone. But as Kelly Bennette is proving, courage only gets you so far against the out-and-out physicality of the Women's Champion. Malaysia drags Bennette out of the corner and by her hair, throws her face-first into the mat. By the hair again, Malaysia picks her up and throws her backwards. Kelly's head whiplashes off the hard canvas and ignoring the warnings of the referee, Malaysia stands over LICKING the strands of brunette hair tangled between her fingers. COLE This is a dangerous woman and also a disturbing woman. COACH She enjoys her work, put it that way. Dragging Bennette across the ring, Malaysia positions her throat-first on the bottom rope and stands on her neck! "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" "FOUR!" Malaysia breaks, Jock right in her poor opponent's face teasing her as she coughs and splutters. COLE Jock clearly enjoying himself. I doubt he'll be laughing so hard come AngleSlam, when he faces former partner Baron Windels one on one in their home state of Texas! More dragging pulls Bennette back into the centre of the ring. Her leg hands limp in Malaysia's hands and she isn't so much turned over as flung over onto her back, for a hard elbowdrop to the chest... 1... 2... No! COLE Kickout... and a smile from Malaysia, oh dear. COACH See that's the thing, Malaysia LOVES this! You kickout against a normal opponent, they're cussing out the ref, throwing a fit. All you're doing against Malaysia is giving her more of a thrill by prolonging the agony. Malaysia pulls Bennette back to her feet, still smiling as she torques back the neck with a handful of hair. A knee doubles Bennette up, before Malaysia slugs her back to the mat with a short range clothesline. Looking to be on her last legs, Bennette clambers back up. Waiting on her, Malaysia grips her in a gutwrench and hauls her from knees to feet, then from feet up into a Canadian Backbreaker. A submission is on the cards as Malaysia racks away with the hold for a few seconds. But, unfortunately, the worst is yet to come for poor little Kelly, as Malaysia stops, turns her upside down... and sits out with a THUNDEROUS piledriver, dropping her right on her head!! "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE There's that sickening piledriver that's put pay to so many. Placing a hand on Bennette, Malaysia demands the count... 1... 2... 3!! *DINGDINGDING!* COLE And another comprehensive win for Formula 1 president Max Mosley's favourite wrestler. COACH How many people are possibly gonna get that? BUFFER Here is your winner, the OAOAST Women's Champion... MALAYSIA NNEEERRRDDLLLLLYYYY!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Jock slides in and shoves the poor referee aside to do his own honours of raising Malaysia's hand in victory. The two make eyes at each other with pure, creepy lust, Malaysia running her hand up and down Jock's washboard abs. Annoyingly they're interrupted by the referee again, handing over the Women's Title to Malaysia. She snatches it away and warns him off with a glare, before dragging Jock from the ring and to the back for who knows what. COLE What a lovely couple.

Best near-fall that comes to mind, Brent Albright vs. Takeshi Morishima, ROH... Death Before Dishonor V? I think. It was in Philly at least. Anyway, Albright hits a flurry of moves and a half nelson suplex for a nearfall everybody bought, even though the guy had no shot at winning the World Title. So good, I even bought it, and I knew the result before even watching the match.

#Uhhh... this is your captain speaking. We are approaching our destination and will be landing in approximately an hour's time, thank you# About an hour too late for Michael Stephens' liking as he fidgets in his economy class seat looking pretty glum. Next to him, blissfully ignorant to the mood his General Manager is in is Commissioner Landon Maddix, peeking out of the plane window with great interest at... clouds. Nothing but clouds. They sure are pretty up close though! "So, what are we gonna do about it?" Toxxic finally pipes up. Landon chews on a large handful of peanuts. "...'bout what?" "About what we've been talking about for the best part of a bleedin' week! All the chaos recently! The attacks, the non-finishes to matches, the fights outside police stations, this nonsense with the DVS guys, ringin' any bells yet? You'd think you'd be more concerned, what with you being Commissioner an' all." "I'm concerned. Very much so." "Well good." Toxxic agrees. "Because dealing with this crap every show is not something I intend on makin' a habit. My blood pressure's through the flaming roof!" "Infact, you might say it's Jamaican you crazy!" The corniness of the line, combined with the goofy smile on Landon's face, seems to do very little good to Toxxic's blood pressure as his face reddens ever so slightly. "Come on man, I missed out on that all week! That holiday couldn't have been timed worse. Anyway, relax a little. There's no point in getting yourself all worked up about it all. In my experience, these things tend to work themselves out at the end of the day. Sure we need to do something to prevent things from getting too out of control, but besides that what can we do? People are gonna hate each other whether we discourage it or not. Take a page out of my book..." "Leave it to Megan you mean?" "Exactly!" Landon replies with a smile, the only semi-serious Toxxic rolling his eyes. "Chill out, take a lean back and put things in perspective. So the fed's a little chaotic at the moment. No problem. There might be more beatdowns than a prison riot going on... but at least we'll be bathed in sunshine while it's happening! That was the entire point of the last show. I mean what the hell happened to you out there? Jamaica's supposed to be one of the most chilled out places in the world, or so cultural stereotypes have led me to believe. And yet you come back acting like a bear with a sore backside. Why didn't you just kick back on the beach, sip on something a little tropical..." "I don't drink." grunts Toxxic. "And I don't do drugs either, so your Jamaican stereotypes ain't gonna extend to me." "Ugh... Jamaican me crazy, Toxx!" The sound of teeth grinding is picked up as Landon reclines backwards with his hands behind his head. "See, it's this easy. Try it!" "Bugger off." "Oh, come on... it's seriously easy going." "Why couldn't you have gotten a seat next to Megan, again exactly?" "Oh, she doesn't like sitting next to me on airplanes." "I can't think why." Toxxic mutters under his breath, just as the air stewardess trundles along, handing over another bag of peanuts to Landon who responds with a wink and a smile. Trained for this kind of human contact, the stewardess takes it with good grace with only inner loathing. One better than Toxxic, who snatches the salty snacks from Landon. "Can you stop stuffing your face for one minute!? The only reason I didn't drag someone outta their seat and into this one was because this is an opportunity, for once, to get some work done without you getting distracted! It damn sure wasn't because I enjoy the deafening sound of you chewing and spitting crumbs all over me!" "If you didn't want to hear me eat, you could have got the headphones." "Call me crazy, but I didn't fancy the movie. Hardly good form to be showing us Snakes On A Plane, surely?" "Eh, I dunno, for something low budget it wasn't that bad." "No, I meant... nevermind." "Look, if you're really that bored you only had to say so. Let's talk. Who do you fancy in the Premiership this season? See, I've got a soft spot for Liverpool since they've got Torres... you know, some people say I look a little like him... but I don't know if I'd want to put money on it. Then there's Arsenal..." Just as Toxxic is contemplating making an impromptu skydive, he finds salvation in Megan Skye making her way very carefully down the aisleway. Quick as a flash he unstraps his seatbelt and twirls Megan around, sitting her down next to Landon who doesn't miss a step in his conversation. "We're swapping seats." "But I just got up to go to the toilet..." protests Megan, but Toxxic is long gone, STRIDING off down the plane. "...they've sold too many players I think, no matter how nice their football is... oh, hey Megan! What a nice surprise. I hope you're in a better mood than Toxxic, that guy just knows how to kill a party, know what I mean? Work work work, nag nag nag. Worse than an old woman. No offence." Megan looks hopefully for signs of Toxxic being turned away from first class, but to no avail. "Listen, I really do have to go the toilet." she insists, getting up all too eagerly. As she scuttles off, Landon grins and suddenly feels a twinge in his bladder. "Ooh, hey, me too... hey, wait up!" Giggling like a naughty schoolboy Landon follows Megan off to the airplane bathroom and you can figure the rest out for yourself as we fade out.

Card is now up!

The SWF presents... GROUND ZERO 2008 LIVE to DVD from the Miami Arena in (where else?) Miami, Florida, 7pm EST, TUESDAY, 19th AUGUST In recent weeks and months the SWF has embarked on a trip around North America and the Carribean, spreading the good wrestling word to the people of the world. But now the money's dried up we got homesick and just had to come back to the US ASAP! Just in time for the 2008 installment of an SWF tradition dating back some years, Ground Zero. The SWF's return to the US coincides with Landon's return from 'holiday'. When that holiday consists of wrestling for the OAOAST while his promotion is sunning it's collective selves in Jamaica, there's no reason to feel jealous towards the Commissioner. But he's always one to look on the bright side. And after a chaotic month of shows in July, not to mention his special guest for Jamaican Me Crazy falling through at the last second because of a 'better offer' (uno, dos, adios!), the Commissioner is determined to get things back on track with Ground Zero. Two SWF stipulations return and two titles are on line, amongst much, much more! SWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP HELL IN A CELL MATCH! The Insane Luchador © vs. Va'aiga The main-event of Ground Zero '08 was bound to be a big one. It's a story of two SWF veterans. For vet number one, The Insane Luchador, 2008 has so far been his year. He has gone unbeaten in singles competition since way back in February. And The Ill One shocked the world back in the month of April, when he finally captured the top prize in the SWF, his many years of toil, pain and hard work finally paying off. Proving it was no fluke, the IL winning streak has continued ever since. But, so far, in non-title competition. On June 30th in Caracas, Venezuela, "The Maori Badass" Va'aiga put himself Next In Line by winning the #1 Contendership. A whole host of situations and complications have prevented him from cashing in on his contendership so far, from his personal issue with S.I.N and Tracy Bruner, to incarceration, to defences of the Tag Team Titles. Now though, there are no distractions. S.I.N and Bruner will not be in Miami. And the Tag Titles are as of last show gone from his and Dace's waists. The only concern on the former World Champion's mind now is reclaiming his place at the top of the SWF food chain. Well... that, and the small matter of these two men's previous meeting, a Flaming Tables Match at From The Fire of this year which IL won. So two of the most dangerous, volatile competitors in SWF history will come together and The Miami Arena will be Ground Zero for IL's V1 defence of the World Title. Revenge and retribution will be on the mind for Va'aiga. For IL, his winning streak, his title reign... and perhaps just as importantly, his survival? **LATE BREAKING NEWS** Just when the stakes couldn't get any higher... well, turns out they got higher. About 20 feet higher. The challenge has been made and and accepted, from challenger to champion. These two sick puppies will now be doing battle inside the most unforgiving structure in wrestling, Hell In A Cell! You thought flaming tables were something, huh? Think again! This is going to be ugly. Word Limit: 6/7000 Rules: Standard Singles HELL IN A CELL! Send To: King Cucaracha SWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins © vs. Taiga Star Speaking of Next In Line, Taiga certainly put herself in line for a shot at the Cruiserweight Title on that show, but with no official number one contendership (and distractions of her own from DVS), she's had to wait a while for her title opportunity too. It didn't help that Spike Jenkins apparantly had no idea who she was until a few weeks ago. He never did get that sandwich either. The cocky Cruiserweight Champion might get a real good idea of who Taiga is during this V1 title defence in Miami. And if she's serving up sandwiches for the champ, they're surely gonna be knuckle sammiches~! Yum yum! Word Limit: 6000 Rules: Cruiserweight. 20 count on the outside, no throwing an opponent over the top rope, you know the drill by now Send To: Toxxic Divefire vs. Tod James Stuart Divefire remains in pursuit of Spike Jenkins and the Cruiserweight Title, after his match at Our Super Sweet Sixteen ended in an unsatisfying (from his POV) disqualification. It wouldn't hurt his cause to have a few victories under his belt. Step forward Tod James Stuart, who picked up victory in tag team action last time out but wouldn't mind amassing a few singles victories in his own right, if it means a trip to the illustrious pay window. What results is what's sure to be a very competitive match between two popular SWF stars with plenty of credentials. Which is good. What more can I say? Word Limit: 5000 Rules: Standard Singles Send To: Dace59 MANSON vs Spyke Of all the so-called 'insurgents' of the DVS that have arrived in the SWF just recently, it's fair to say Spyke is the most vocal. On the side of the issue with Taiga Star and the impact the DVS guys have tried to make at her expense, Spyke has picked up two impressive victories and caught the eye of our Commissioner. Which may or may not be a good thing. Heard to remark he wanted "an opponent worth my damn time" next time he was put in a SWF ring after his victory in Jamaica, Landon has given Spyke what he wanted. Except, I don't think anyone in their right mind would WANT to be facing the unpredictable MANSON one on one. Because, I'm sure MANSON will have his own special welcome to the SWF in mind... Word Limit: 4250 Rules: Standard Singles Send To: Toxxic Miami Mayhem Match! Munich vs Longdogger Pete We're in Miami. Pete is back in the SWF. This had to happen, didn't it? Yes. Munich and LDP had somewhat of a 'misunderstanding' via Benjamin Hardy a little while back, the upshot of which being neither seems too keen to rake over past ground but at the same time have no problems with one another. Apparantly that memo didn't reach our Commissioner. The former X-Force 9 team-mates will do battle in a match that has become a Longdogger speciality; Miami Mayhem. I have it on good authority this is Miami Mayhem VII, as ever a battle on shores of Miami Beach where one man will take an unwanted dip in the deep blue stuff. And if past Miami Mayhems have taught us anything, it's that that sand gets EVERYWHERE! So, be careful. We didn't take advantage of the beaches and open waters in the Carribean, but damnit I'm back now and we're gonna do something that doesn't involve a wrestling ring! Word Limit: 4500 (to be altered via request) Rules: The match starts on Miami Beach, with No DQs and only one way to win. Throw your opponent into the Atlantic Ocean! Both feet must be submerged for victory. Send To: King Cucaracha KOJI Kitano vs X-Punk Fresh off of regaining the World Tag Team Titles in Jamaica, TKO's KOJI Kitano steps into singles action. His opponent, another DVS representative, X-Punk who may well have a claim to make for tag team gold for Team Canada if he can pull off the victory. Or, does he have something else in mind of a more singles nature? Only time will tell. Word Limit: 3500 Rules: Standard Singles Send To: King Cucaracha (send all marked matches, promos etc to King Cucaracha) (any queries or booking requests, either KC or Toxxic)

I don't know about Jericho. I can't see them not going with Michaels/Jericho personally, even if it is too soon for Michaels to realistically come back from his 'career ending injury'. It's the longest-running feud on the brand and the 2nd biggest show of the year.